Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 5 - Thank You Very Much - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

* You make me shimmy
You make me shake

* You make me feel like
A big earthquake

* Baby, I say once again
Uh-huh

* You know I love you

* Don't leave me
Don't make a mistake

Come on, Greta,
let's get out of here.

* This crazy thing
You call me...

* Brings a big man to his knees

* Baby...

I should've known that
pretty boy was in here.



I'm not looking
for any trouble, hoss.

So how about
I buy you a beer, huh?

How about you kiss my ass,
Elvis the frickin' pelvis?

Well, it's the only offer
I've had tonight, but I'll pass.

Smart-mouth.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[HILL BILLY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Go out back.
We can take 'em.

That's just the kind
of press you need.

Go. I'll be there in a second.

[SHOUTS] Ah!

No, no. Come on.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]



[LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

[SIREN WAILS]

You know, it's too bad you're
shipping out next week.

I'm gonna miss saving
your southern butt.

Well, you've done it
often enough.

You know, you're a good friend
and a hell of a picker, too.

Yeah.

Here's a going away
present, man.

Oh, man. No, I can't.

Go on, keep playing.

[EXHALES]

All right.

* It's not easy loving like me

[SIGHS] Well, he can't
sell it for 30 days.

No, don't. Okay,
I know we need the money.

The GI's are always burning
these guys. They don't like us.

Sure hope he waits.

Come on.

* Break my tender heart
And say goodbye

[UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Hello, lovely ladies.

[GIGGLING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Claudia.

Claudia.

[SHOUTS] Claudia!

Do you mind?

What are you, like, 110?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Why does everything you listen
to have to be so angry?

It's not angry,

it's opinionated.
This is what's happening.

Jay Z, Beastie boys,
Busta Rhymes, TLC, and Snoop.

It's what's crack-a-lackin'.
Know what I'm saying,
funk soul brother?

[HOOTS] But you can't get up
and go to school without
Bill Haley and the king...

Jerry Lee, the killer.

Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire.

George Brown.

I'm playing the Green Bush Club
on Campus Road.

You ought to come down.

Uh... yeah.

Say, listen, where would
I find Sydney Fox?

A couple of the kids
at the club

said she might be
able to help me.

GEORGE: Every night but Sunday,
two shows on Saturday.

I'll give you a hell of a show.
Now, that's a promise.

Look... um...

George. George Brown.

George, I've got
a South American studies class

in about five minutes...

So, unless there is
something more specific.

This is it.

I had a guitar that was
given to me by the king.

I'd sure give just about
anything to get it back.

"King"?
Only one king.

Elvis?

I bunked with him,
I got drunk with him,

I played poker with him.

He only played for matchsticks

on account of his mama
told him not to gamble.

That boy loved his mama.

And I was his friend.

So whatever happened
to the guitar?

I pawned it.

Stupid, I know,
but I had a kid on the way.

He's an accountant.

Must have been a mix-up
at the hospital.

But, now,
I've got this grandson.

Kid's 15, little devil,

but he plays guitar
like an angel.

That right?

Yeah.

But, the boy won't
hardly talk to me.

He thinks I'm a liar
and a loser.

Well, I admit, I've been both...

but it sure would be nice
to have that boy know

that at least once...

I really did play
with the greatest.

Unfortunately, there's a...

a lot of conflicting information
when it comes to Elvis.

There's as much myth
as there is facts,
especially on the net.

I'm not surprised.

Do you want me to keep digging?

That won't be necessary.
Decided to go to the source.

Oh, you've found Elvis,
have you?

In a way.

I mean, who would know
more about Elvis than Elvis?

I don't understand.

Your, uh, person has arrived.

I put him in your office.
He was making me nervous.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Wilkinson,
thank you for coming.

WILKINSON: My pleasure.

Mr Wilkinson appears at
the Cougar Room on Highway 80.

Four nights a week.
I'm... I'm on my way to a show.

Of course.

Please.

Thank you.

SYDNEY:
Mr. Wilkinson has spent years

researching
Elvis Presley's life.

Oh, I was just a fan, at first.

But gradually,
he began to take hold of me.

Then one day,
I couldn't help it.

My urge to dress up like him
was just too great.

Uh-huh.

I began to mimic him,
sing like him.

The first for my friends,

but eventually, I began
performing on stage.

Today, after 30 years,

I can honestly say I know
as much about the king

as anyone alive.

Then you're familiar with
this guitar we're interested in?

Oh, yes, yes.
The one you mentioned

was custom-made for him...

shortly after he appeared
on The Ed Sullivan Show

in April of '53.

Martin D-18, rosewood body,
abalone inlays, quite beautiful.

I'd say it would be worth...

several hundred
thousand dollars.

Do you have any idea where
the guitar might be today?

Elvis didn't come home with it
from Germany.

And it was never seen again.

Well, thank you for coming in.

[ELVIS PRESLEY VOICE]
Thank you, thank you very much.

Looks like we've
run into a dead-end.

SYDNEY: We haven't covered
all the bases yet.
NIGEL: No?

It was last seen in Germany.

[COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, this is it, all right.

Hasn't changed much either.

Pawn shops and cockroaches.

Yup.

Look, I bought this store
20 years ago.

I don't know anything about
a transaction in... in 1960.

Are there any records somewhere?

Records? Yeah, sure, they
would be in the storage room...

which, eight years ago
was destroyed by fire.

Poof, gone. That's the only
place they would be.

I could make you a nice deal
on an engagement ring, yeah?

No, no...
No. No, thank you.

GEORGE: [HOLLERS]
Look at this.

Look at this!

The Mersey Dukes,
an old Liverpool band.

GEORGE: They always played here
at the club Indra.

But never mind about them.

Look at this guy.

NIGEL: Who is it?

Damned if I know,

but he's playing Elvis's guitar.

All the pictures came
with the store.

I don't know who he is.

If we could borrow it...

Yeah, sure,
that's not a problem...

for 50 Marks.

Fifty marks?

And something held
for collateral.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

No.

[SIGHS]

[BIKE ENGINE REVVING]

[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

GEORGE: This place was pretty
high-class back in the 50s.

Looks like
it's changed a little.

I'm not sure this is the kind
of joint you should come into.

Oh, I've been in worse,
believe me.

I was talking to him.

I've been in worse places
as well.

Horrible places.

Wow-wow, look at that picture!

Yeah, yeah, hah.

I'm sorry my German
is a little rusty.

Son, I don't think she has
talking on her mind.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Gay?

[CHUCKLES]
No.

The manager's new here.

The only one who might be able
to help us is the janitor.

He's worked here since the '60s.

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

Yeah, yeah, Gunther.

He played in the house band
here for years.

Then... he stopped,
no more music.

You know him? That's great.

Do you know where
Gunther is now?

Oh, no, I'm afraid
I can't help you there.

What's his surname?

Oh... [HESITATES]
I never knew that.

He was just Gunther,
Gunther Nagontos.

Well, thanks, hoss.
I appreciate it.

He still comes in for a drink
every once in a while.

He comes here?

Yeah, yeah.
He sits right there,

always there.

I love this man.

Gay.

[GEORGE CHUCKLING]

[BIKE ENGINE REVVING]

[SULTRY COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Remember, you want
to play your two smallest tiles
that total seven, eight or nine.

Ah, you're on next, Dorris.

God, you're right.

The locomotion number's really
starting to gel.

It's improved a whole lot
since Monday.

Oh, god, that's so sweet,
George.

Don't feel too bad, Leslie.
Nothing beats a giju.

Now, look here, people.

I want this guitar
more than anything,

you know that,
but we can't spend

the rest of our lives
in this place.

I suppose Tammy could send us
a picture of her new costume.

All right. I think we should go.

Gunther?

Yeah.

Well, hello. We sure
are glad to see you, buddy.

You don't know how good it is.

Yes?

We have a couple of questions.
It shouldn't take long.

I don't understand.

It's about a guitar.

This guitar.

Um, excuse me.
I will be right back.

Maybe he just needs
to use the john?

I have another theory.

What's that?
Maybe he's out of here?

We just want to talk.

Stop!

[GRIPPING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

You're very fast.

Hoss, I'm chasin'
40 years of waiting.

[GEORGE SHOUTS] Ah!

Gunther, no one's
going to hurt you.

You can put your hands down.
We only want to talk.

Talk about what?

About... about music.

You are not
from the government?

[GEORGE CHUCKLES]

George, why don't you take
Gunther back to the club?

Have a beer,
just the two of you.

Musician to musician?

Good idea.

Yes, all right.

[SOFT SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

A nice boy.

And you. You still play?

Wherever they'll let me. You?

Late at night when my family
is sleeping,

I listen on the headphones
and I play...

how do you say...

Air guitar.
Air guitar, yeah.

Rock on, Gunther.

That guitar means a lot
to me Gunther,

for reasons
I think you'd understand.

Nice talking to you, Gunther.

I recognized it as soon as
I saw it in the window.

I bought it, but I was stupid.
I told people I had it.

You're telling me
it was stolen from you?

In a manner of speaking.

It was the coldest days
of the cold war.

Late at night, three men
came to my house.

I knew they were
dangerous men.

Dangerous?

From the British, American,

and German
intelligence services.

They came for the guitar.

The intelligence services
asked for Elvis's guitar?

I know, I could not
believe it myself.

They gave me money,
10,000 marks...

a lot of money in those days.

I would have
turned down a million.

But they were not asking,
they were demanding.

And if I hadn't given it
to them, well...

You have no idea
why they wanted it?

None.

But that day, I stopped playing.

I thought I was going to be
the German Elvis.

Gunther, you go out and you buy
yourself a guitar and you play.

Play in the middle of the night
sitting in the closet
if you've got to.

But play. You've got
to let the music out.

But no one will hear.
You'll hear.

What would
intelligence services

want with
Elvis Presley's guitar?

I have no idea.

But there's someone in
the American embassy in Berlin
that I used to know.

Used to know?

SYDNEY: So, we still
have spies in Berlin?

MAN: I'm a cultural attaché.

So, what are you after
in Berlin?

A lost guitar.

And what's special
about this one?

It was Elvis Presley's.

Well, I wouldn't know
anything about that.

I... I can't help you, Sydney.

I helped you out once, Steve...

in a big way.

I bet they probably
wouldn't even care any more

how you got your big break...

now would they?

You've heard of
Dieter Von Hoffman?

A famous East German
spy master...

responsible for
all those exchanges
on the Golinka bridge.

Mm-hm, well, he was also
a big fan of American culture...

clothes, books, movies, music.

Especially music,
especially Elvis.

Go on.

Well, they got hold of
one of our agents.

So the deal was...

one million dollars for
the East German government...

and Elvis's guitar for Dieter.

So where would this
Dieter Von Hoffman be now?

When the wall came down,
he went underground.

Nobody knows where he is.

His codename was Da Schlong.

I don't think
I even want to know.

The official translation
is "the snake".

So what grass would you
start beating around in,

if you were me?

You might find some
useful information

in the former East German
intelligence agency files.

And where would
these records be kept?

You'll never get in there.

[STEALTHY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOGS BARKING IN THE DISTANCE]

The records are in the basement,
a catacomb they converted.

Lovely.

According to my friend
at the embassy,

they're accessible
through the air duct.

This just keeps getting better.

[SIGHS]

That must be it there.

If we can figure a way
to distract the guards

for about 45 seconds.

Honey, distracting people
is what I do best.

[PLAYING THE FLUTE]

* Last night, I went a walkin'

* I went walking through
The streets of Berlin

* Last...

Hey, Herr guard guy.

Hey, this is cool.

Very cool.
What is this place?

You must go away.

This place is off-limits.

What a great looking puppy.

I love dogs.

Ich liebe dogs.

Does he do tricks?

[DOG BARKING]

His main trick...

is to bite your ass off.

I think I'll just go back
to the hotel now.

Good idea.

[DOG GROWLS]

Excuse me, Herr guard,

if you could just point me in
the direction of the hotel...

I don't have a clue as to
where the hell I am, partner.

[DOG BARKS]

I just love a good sauerbraten.

Where do you think I could get
a good sauerbraten?

[DOG GROWLS]

Thank you kindly.

[CLANKING]

I suppose it would be
too much to expect

it would be filed under
"v" for Von Hoffman.

Looks like they're using
some Germanic version

of the Dewey Decimal System.

Yes. Possibly based upon
which level of responsibility

each person attained.

Let's try this way.

There's a second dairy hierarchy
of categories based upon...

I'll just look over here.

Yes!

[THUMPING]

[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]

They're coming from over there.
Let's go this way.

This is a dead end.

Put down the file and step away.

We were lost.

Yes, that's right.

The map is not well marked,
I have to say.

We're nowhere near
the Brandenburg Gate, are we?

Put the file down...

or I will shoot you.

Okay. Putting down the file.

[GRUNTS]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GROWLS, BARKS]

[TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

Come on. Let's go.

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[DOG BARKS]

[LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you...
thinking they're thinking?

That they've probably
never seen people

this anxious to do
their laundry before.

[CAR APPROACHING]

We will just hang out here
until it is clear.

Give us a chance
to study the files.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

You are not washing anything.

We're good.

You are not washing.

No, actually, you see,
we're just um...

No wash, no stay. Goodbye.

[SIREN WAILING]

We'll put some money
in the machine.

No. No wash, no stay.

Goodbye.

We'll wash.

You cannot put
just one item into machine.

This is wasteful.
It must be full.

But I usually have them
dry-cleaned.

All right, all right.

This is our guy.

And here's a list of dissidents
he got out of east Germany
for a fee.

It looks like he made most
of them sign over their
private property to him

Any mention of where he is now?

No, like Steve said,
there is nothing on him after
the fall of the Berlin wall.

This is interesting:

There's also a mention
of a Herman Essen.

Who's he?

Apparently, he was well
connected with the
wealthy East Germans.

He brokered most
of dieter's deals.

A political-financial
matchmaker.

Exactly. Maybe he could
help us find Dieter.

How do we find out where he is?

Well, it looks like most
of the deals involve artwork.

I have more than
a few connections

at the galleries and museums
in Berlin.

You've got more connections
than a phone company.

Oh, no.

Oh, how am I gonna get
my watch back now?

Well, this is the address

my guy at the Berlin museum
gave me.

Apparently, Herman has himself
quite the art collection.

Well, is this
some kind of party?

I don't think so, hoss.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Shlong, Herman Essen was...

Dieter Von Hoffman.

Sydney, you presented me
with an opportunity

I had to take advantage of.

I knew that if anyone
could find him, it would be you.

I'd like to take a look around.

I'm sorry, Sydney, but the house
is being cordoned off.

Tomorrow, they will retrieve
the body, make the id...

the sweepers are
going over the whole place.

All I want is the guitar.

Well, unfortunately, everything
they find will be confiscated.

Your man can apply to have
the guitar returned.

Yeah, right.

It's out of my hands, Syd.

[SIGHS]

The front door is
certainly out of the question.

NIGEL: Yeah.
But not necessarily the back.

Well, this is a house
that was owned

by the last emperor
of Germany, don't forget.

SYDNEY: Probably been in
the family for generations.

NIGEL:
Through assassination attempts.
Peasant revolts.

Illicit affairs
with chambermaids.

What the hell are you two
talking about?

A secret passageway.

Usually let out from under
the house some place safe...

up to a quarter of a mile away,
sometimes.

How did you know
where the exit was?

Experience.
And knowledge.

And the five tonne truck
in the middle of the field.

It seems the snake was going to
slither away with his booty

before he had his
massive heart attack.

Timing's everything, ain't it?

Yeah.

Now, these must lead
to the manor house.

Let's see what's in here.

Stand back.

Wait. As much as it's always
interesting when you do this,

if Von Hoffman had a truck
ready to move everything out,

then it's just possible that
he might have already...

unlocked the door.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Ch'in Dynasty, 200 BCE

King Ch'in. [GASPS] Exquisite.

Van Gogh. It's a Van Gogh!

GEORGE: Looky-here at this.

Some statue of a guy with
a little ding-a-ling.

Damn, another one
of those Picassos.

Looks like the home
shopping network in here.

Where the hell is the guitar?

Uh, George?

Your honors, hoss.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

The king's guitar.

I don't believe it.

[DOOR CREAKS]

MAN: Neither do I.

Put my guitar down, please.

Gently.

SYDNEY: Dieter.

You are a troublesome woman.

NIGEL: You're dead.

He was dead.

He wasn't dead?

It just looked that way,
didn't it, Dieter?

If I'd had more time,
I would have made out
the scent of lavender.

Lavender? Blowfish toxin.

SYDNEY: That's right.

Used by voodoo priests in Haiti.

SYDNEY: In small amounts,

it puts a body into
a state of suspended animation

for up to 48 hours.

That's how the priest supposedly
kill their victims...

then bring them back
as the walking dead.

I guess we've put you
off schedule,
now haven't we, Dieter?

Unfortunately, I will now have
to load most of this myself.

We be happy to help.

I appreciate the offer,

but you're going to be
busy dying.

[GRAVE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSICAL BEEPING]

Bach?
Wagner.

[HISSING]

NIGEL: Well, there must be
hundreds of snakes.

GEORGE:
Why did it have to be snakes?

[HISSING]

Well, at least we cracked
the code name.

I'm afraid it will have to be
much tighter than that...

unless you want me to shoot you
and do it myself.

Sorry, Sydney.

It's one of the largest private
collections in the world.

Vipers, adders, corals...

rattlesnakes.

Sadly, one of my king cobras
died last year.

My condolences.

[HISSING]

Any ideas?

Not a single one.
Do you have any play at all?

NIGEL:
None. The ropes are too tight.

What about you, George?

George? George, listen to me...

you're our only hope.
You're not tied to anyone.

I'm not liking
the sound of this right off.

I'm just telling you that, okay?

You have to try.

Knock yourself over
and fall to the floor.

I don't think so.

NIGEL:
Snakes are not aggressive.

Do they know that?

You have to trust me.

I have a knife in my boot.
Try and land close to me.

You should be able to reach it
and cut the leg restraints.

I'll take it from there.

All right. I have just got
to tell you this straight off,

I can't do this.

Then we will die, George.

They will run out of food
and they will bite us.

[RATTLING]

[GRUNTS]

Go, hah, get away,
you little doggy.

I thought playing for beers and
hush puppies was a tough gig.

I've got a whole new respect
for your line of work.

[HISSING]

[GRUNTS]

The knife is in my right boot.

SYDNEY: Come on.

SYDNEY: Okay, just one more.

[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, slowly, no sudden moves.

[TREMBLES]

Let's go.

GEORGE: Dear, oh lord,
I do not want to get bitten.

SYDNEY: You're doing great.

Don't think about them,
just get to the door.

NIGEL: He must have half of
all the snakes in Germany here.

We're trapped.

B minor.

C major.

Nigel, hurry.

I'm trying. I can't seem
to remember the phrase.

[BEEPING]

A-flat minor?

Just play everything you know,

we don't have a lot of time.

[BEEPING]

Was it augmented? No...

Wait, a diminished 3rd...
[BUZZES]

Step aside, or I'll smash it
against the wall

into a thousand pieces.

How can we trust him?

You can't.

Sydney, you presented me
with an opportunity...

I had to take advantage of.

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

A deal.

Uh-huh?

You get the guitar.
It's what you wanted.

I get everything else.

Okay.

It is what we wanted, Sydney.

Steve...

You know...

these things
belong to the world.

I mean, they belong in a museum.

It's just not right.

[GRUNTS]

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

SYDNEY: Give it up, Goodman,

we'll find the lights
any second.

[HISSING]

Oh, my god.

Sydney, get me out of here.

STEVE: Open the door!
[BEEPING]

Sydney, I can't keep
these things back.

Come on get me
out of here. Please.

The power going out must have
wiped out the memory.

Come on!

Sydney, I can hear you,
get me out of here.

There's snakes in here, come on!

I get the point.

You can turn me in.
I'll turn myself in.

They're coming to get me!

Get me out of here. Ah! Oh!

Sydney, get me out of here!

[STEVE SHOUTING]

STEVE: [CRIES] Ah! Oh! Ah!

It is actually not that bad.

I mean, you can still make out
the faces... a little.

This is true.

So can I have the watch back?
No.

How much will it...

Three hundred. Ah, cash only.

It's after 5:00.
The banks are closed.

I promise I'll get you the money
just as soon as they open.

Just don't sell the watch, okay?

I'll be back first thing
in the morning.

Right. See you soon.

So did you get it?

Greedy bastard wanted
300 dollars.

Did you give it to him?
Well, of course not.
The banks are shut.

Nigel.
It's one-of-a-kind, Sydney.

* ...feeling lonesome
If you want to see my cry

* Break my tender heart
And say goodbye *

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]