Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 21 - Nothing But the Truth - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTAIN:
Where is it? Where is it?

Arrgh...

That thieving ingrate!

Find Omar! Bring him to me!

[GRUNTS]

You wanted to see me, captain?

The Corsair cross. Where is it?

I don't know.
That's all there was.

You don't know what
happened to it?

No, captain.



Let me show you something.

I'm tired of risking my
life for you,
only to be thrown

mere crumbs.

A few more hours
and I would have been gone...

on the first galleon out at
sunrise.

You never would
have known... the difference!

CAPTAIN: So...

I am heartened you chose
the path of truth, Omar.

Guards!

Have him beheaded.

No! No! No! No!

[LAUGHING]

Suppose someone's sneaking
up from behind you.

Claudia, are you listening
to me?



Sure. Some creep is sneaking up
on me from behind...

You duck... elbow... step...
kick... and run.

Gotcha.

Now you try it.

I'm grabbing
you from behind...

Be careful.
I just did my nails.

I thought you said you wanted to
learn how to defend yourself?

It's a French overlay.
Two coats with glitter.

You said you had a close call.

You have no idea. It was dark
and I was walking out to my
car...

in the parking lot.

And then from out of nowhere,
I see this figure
coming towards me.

He probably thought I was a
pushover as I was parked in a
handicapped spot.

And what did you do?

Well, I got in my car and
locked the door.

-And what did he do?
-Gave me a ticket anyway.

Claudia, in this day and age,
every woman should know how

to defend herself anyway.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, it works!

-Oh, God, are you okay?
-I'm fine, fine.

This arrived, looked important.
Signed for it.

Just put it over there.

I would if I could, but I
can't move.

Who's it from?

A, uh, Heather Chandler.

Chandler?

I had a professor once named
Chandler. When I was studying
archaeology.

"Professor Fox, I'm sure
my father would have
wanted you to have this...

"as you know, he spent most of
his life trying to find
the chalice of truth..."

The chalice of truth?

You've got to be kidding.

He believed in the existence of
this chalice for whatever
reason.

It was supposed to have a
hypnotic affect on whoever
looked at it.

Force them to tell the truth.

I really could have used
that last night.

Her father passed away last
week... Wow.

He was one of my favourites.

He was a big influence
on me getting into archaeology.

-I mean, he was little...
-A little bit wacko?

He became so obsessed with
finding the chalice of truth
that...

he became a laughing stock in
the archaeological world.

They even called it
Chandler's folly.

You don't believe such a
thing existed?

No, but he did and I believed
in him.

When he died, he was getting
closer than he'd ever been.

Hmm, it looks Arabic, Berber.

Carpet?

I've rarely ever seen
Berber written before.

For centuries, it's only
been a spoken language.

There's one person
who's seen it written.

Who?

While he was teaching at the
university of Northeasten
South Africa...

He said he was forced to
learn it at some sort of
new professor hazing ritual.

No, not if my life
depended on it.

But what if professor
Chandler's life depended on
it? Or at least his life's work?

You could finish it for him.

I can't believe I'm
asking Stewey for help.

It's not so bad. Since
he's come back, he's led
rather a normal, modest life.

Laying low is more like it.

There's nothing normal
about Stewey.

-You're being too harsh on
him.
-Am I?

Sweetcheeks. Nige...

Look, Stewey, I'm sorry
to bother you you like this.

Listen, I can't talk
to you guys right now.

I'm in the middle
of something very important.

-STEWEY:
Get down! Duck!
-[GUN FIRING]

[RAPID GUN FIRING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[PANTING]

Are you sure we need Stewey?

Oh, boy, I love Paris, huh?
I've always loved Paris.

The architecture, the art...

the women. Oh, boy,
did I mention the women?

Stewey, Burba, remember?
That's why you're here.

Listen, Sydney.
Burba is very complex, okay?

You slept the entire flight.

I've been stressed.

I've had death knocking at
my door more than once lately,
believe you me.

Listen, driver,
go a little faster, will you?

A little faster. Hey,
andale, andale.

-Stewey.
-What?

He's French. The term is
plus vite, si vous plait.

Plus vite!

[ENGINE REVVING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GRUNTING]

Come on. Keep that up, okay?

What's our hurry, anyway?

There's no hurry. I just
like going fast, that's
all.

I like a little bit of
speed in Paris, you know.

Why were those people
shooting at you, Stewey?

Yeah.

Look it's a long story,
Sydney.

Do you want me to take a look
at this Burba or not?

What do we have, Nigel?

[TIRES SCREECHES]

"The chalice was Syrian. It
was stolen by pirates and
wound up in Tunis.

"Somewhere in the 1700's,
it fell into the hands of
a French diplomat named...

Christopher De La Croix.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[TIRES SCREECHES]

How am I supposed to read this?

"He was recalled back to France
for telling the Tunisians state
secrets.

What, for profit?

No, he, um... he couldn't
help telling the truth.

Okay, look,
I think I got something here.

Now, it seems this chalice
was created by a mystic
in the thirteenth century...

-for the Syrian royal family.
-Why?

Well, it seems the king
thought his queenie was doing...

the Mambo Number Five
behind his back...

-And he wanted her to tell the
truth.
-And did she?

Well, the next day, her head was
mounted on a stake in front of
the palace.

-[TYRES SCREECHING]
-Ooh! [GRUNTS]

There are two items in
Chandler's research that
are curious, some...

-Blueprints.
-Blueprints? Let
me take a look at...

[GASPS]

Stewey!

-Nice go, Nigel. Nice go.
-Give me that!

Ah, it was his fault.

The other item...

is a rejection from a cooking
school. He applied two days
before his death.

Cooking school?

-[GRUNTS]
-[TIRES SCREECHES]

Listen, driver, you can
slow down now, all right? Hey!

-Slow down, all right?
What are you trying to do?
-[TYRES SCREECHING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

Well... we're definitely
back in Paris.
[CHUCKLES]

Let's go find that cooking
school.

This was once the home of
Christopher De La Croix.

Ah, so these must be the
blueprints.

The chalice is somewhere
in there, isn't it?

I think so.

-SYDNEY: Let's be careful,
gentlemen.
-STEWEY: Eh, no problem.

All right, admission to
the school is based solely on

the interview with chef Gerard,
so let me do all the talking,
okay?

[BELL CHIMING]

Voltaire. I didn't know
you spoke French, Stewey.

I don't, but the French
chicks love it.

I am Gerard La Grange.

You realise this is an advanced
course?

-Yes, absolutely.
-Of course.

I usually do not admit students
this late. However...

as you've come so highly
recommend...

I understand you're opening
a new restaurant in America?

Yes, my partners and I are
very ex cited about it.

And what is it called?

Oh, [CLEARS THROAT]... eh...
" Le Cadavre Qui Pourrit."

The Rotting Corpse?

We haven't yet decided.

-Yeah, we're still tossing
things around.
-We're tossing.

I see.

Monsieur La Grange, I'm
sorry. We're so terribly
nervous.

I mean, to be in the presence of
one of the greatest chefs in the
world.

Understandable, of course.

To study under you would
be a dream come true.

Of course it would.

Very well. Don't be late
for orientation.

Oh, we love Chinese food.

Sydney Fox will be able to do
what Chandler couldn't-
find the chalice.

We need to place a contact
inside.

Hmm, grapes.

Oi. [LAUGHS] I-I couldn't help
hearing the accent. Johnny...

-they call me
Johnny The Jackhammer.
-[LAUGHS]

That's a very colourful
name. Nigel Bailey.

So, Johnny, what brings you
to cooking school?

What's that supposed to
mean?

Nothing.

Nothing. [STAMMERS] Other than
I was just wondering...

what got you interested in
cooking.

Oh. Me therapist recommended it.

Well, he's not actually a
therapist, he's a...he's...
he's more of a parole officer.

See, I have this
little problem with violence.

Ah. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

My fourth year with Gerard.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

What he can do with a
guinea fowl, my God.

Hmm.

My sisters and I own a little
restaurant in San Francisco.

Oh, San Fancisco. Oh, boy,
I love San Francisco.

Both of them will be coming in
tonight.

Really? Both of them?
Oh, boy.

We're all so different.
Sometimes I find it's hard
to believe we're sisters.

I can hardly wait to meet them.
[CHUCKLES]

In the joint, I used to take
these classes, you know,

to help control the anger.

Pottery, cooking...

you know, get in touch
with me feminine side.

I learned the most amazing
thing.

I discovered that as a child,
I was touch-deprived... eh?

And that's where
all the trouble started.

All I ever needed
was just someone to hold me.

So what do you reckon, Nigel?

-Give us a hug. [LAUGHING]
-Well... [GRUNTS]

Ah, it's going to be great
cooking with you, mate.

Grape?

From Lupin Aux Prunaux
to Durade Au Muscadet,

my understanding of cuisine
classique has taken on new
meaning with Gerard.

Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS]

Ooh, Excuse me.

Some interesting people here.

Yes, very.

You here for the cooking class?
Well...

well, of course you are,
why else would you be here?

This is the cooking school,
after all.

[CHUCKLES]

-I'm Nigel.
-Amanda.

We're just a cable show
really.

But in a sense, it's more
free not having to cater to the
masses.

Who did you train with?

-Oh, that would be
Mrs. Roberstein.
-Of what school?

Franklin high. Amazing home
ec' class.

[CHOMPING] [CLAPS]

[APPLAUDING]

Mesdames et messieurs.

I'm sure you are delighted
to have the honour to have been
accepted...

into one of the most prestigious
cooking schools in the world.

You're late, monsieur.

I'm sorry.

Is that what you will tell your
customers when you have ruined
their meal...

because you missed the essential
first instructions

of the dish I teach you to
prepare?

I welcome you with my heart
open.

For the next two days, we will
live and learn as a family.

Being one with the
ingredients of... life.
So...

Bon appetite
and let's get cooking!

[APPLAUDING]

I met this really sweet guy
today.

There are no nice guys, Amanda.

They just trick you into
thinking that so they can
get what they want.

There's plenty that men
are good for.

You ought to know,
you're doing it with
another one every five minutes.

Could we please not fight?

Amanda, listen to me, men are
jerks...

if you keep being so nice and
sweet, they're going to
take advantage of you.

Yeah, well, I think it's
time to find someone to take
advantage of me.

This is the area Chandler
circled on the blueprints.

It's off-limits.

Yeah, so why don't you stay
and keep watch?

As much as it kills me, I might
need Stewey for more Burba.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, Sydney, thanks for
bringing me along, huh?

This isn't a date, Stewey.

There's got to be something
here.

-Oh, hi.
-Oh, hi yourself.

-That's a great outfit.
-That's a great accent.

Clothes look amazing when you...

I think they'd look a lot
better on you.

Well... [CHUKCLES]

I-I've always thought
clothes have been overrated
myself.

I mean, I wear them from...
from time to time.

Bit of a necessary evil,
if you know what I mean,

-unless you're, um...
-In bed with someone?

E... Exactly.

I mean, that would be an
excellent time not to wear any
clothes.

That and bathing. I suppose.

There's a wood-panelled
library downstairs.

Meet me there in 15 minutes.

Ooo, ha! Still got it.

Stewey, look.

Burba?

Oh, yeah, that's Burba, all
right.

"Heritage is the key to truth."

New outfit?

Look, I'd really love to
come to the library with you,
I really would, but... [GRUNTS]

I really have to stay here.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Nigel, what's wrong?

Gas.

It's all that French food.

Let's go over De La Croix's
notebook one more time.

Are you sure that's the
translation of the inscription
on the chamber wall?

I'm positive.
"Heritage is the key
to the truth," no question.

Nigel, professor
Chandler's papers have been
tampered with.

Somebody else is after the
chalice.

[PAN RINGING]

Let's get cooking!

Let's get cooking!

-Hi, Nigel.
-[GASPING]

-Nigel! My matey. [LAUGHS]
-[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

We will begin with a simple
menu.

We will start with sautéed
oyster mushrooms, in a
filo nest...

garnished with snails and served
with a tomato-basil butter
sauce.

This will be followed by
roasted sweetbreads,

accompanied by julienned Belgian
endive in a truffle cream sauce.

And then for dessert, a basic
Macaroon Mocha Buttercream
Gateaux.

Don't worry,
it'll get more challenging.

He likes to take it easy
on us the first day.

Okay, let's get cooking!

[SCREAMS]

I don't understand why we
had to do all the cleaning up.

Well, it might have something
to do with you making...

a smiley face with your
scallops.

I was trying to be creative,
all right?

I wasn't the one who put in
a half-pound bag of salt in the
soup.

Anyone could've made that
mistake.

I thought it said a pouch, not a
pinch... I'm not perfect.

Oh, sure, you hear
that all the time.
"Add a pouch of salt."

[SIGHS]

I've been thinking about
the inscription from the wall
last night.

Take a look at this. It's
from Chandler's things.

It's a De La Croix family
crest.

So?

The inscription read,

-"Heritage is the key to the
truth."
-Right.

Now, you remember that
indentation above it?

Yeah, right in the shape of a
cross.

A cross exactly the same
shape as this one.

So what does it mean?

I think this cross is the key to
opening the door where the
chalice is.

We're going to fit this
into the indentation in the
wall?

No, we've got to find
the real family crest...

with a cross exactly the same
size as that indentation.

I think you've got
something, Syd.

[SIGHS] Okay, you guys
finish up here.
We'll meet up in a little while.

-Come on.
-We're just
going to leave this?

Come on, we're relic
hunters, not dishwashers.

Sydney Fox is getting
closer to the chalice.

Our agent will stay
with them until they find it.

And then, do whatever is
necessary to take it from them.

Oh, chef. Emeril. [LAUGHS] Yeah,
I love that show. Bam! [LAUGHS]

Listen, I had a question
about French cuisine.

Yes?

French fries. What's the
best cut do you think?

The crinkle or the shoestring?

[SIGHS]

It's a culinary mystery to
me.

Let's get cooking! [LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Johnny.

Johnny, you...
you startled me.

Hug?

No hug.

No hug.

I... really got to run, Johnny.

[CHUCKLING]

De La Croix.

Hi.

We're not supposed to go
into the rooms on this floor.

Yeah, I was just looking
for a bathroom.

Were you?

That's right.

Of course.

Don't you have some
peaches to can, Marilyn?

[CHUCKLES]

STEWEY:
This has got to be it.

[PANTING]

This has got chalice of truth
written all over it.

[BLOWS]

[COUGHING]

-It's magnificent.
-Yeah.

Here, let me have a look at it.
There might be an inscription on
it.

The big question is:

does it really hold the power to
compel people to tell the truth?

Who knows?

But one thing I do know for
sure is that...

I love you, Sydney.

[CHUCKLES]

So... Stewey, who's after you?

-Who's trying to kill you?
-Oh.

I was supposed to
marry an African princess,

but I left her standing at the
alter. That's why
they're trying to kill me.

And now that they think
that you're helping me,

they're going to try and
kill you, too.

Great.

Listen, Syd, I really do love
you. I think we'd be great
together.

I know I'm not the smartest
guy or the best-iooking guy or
the tallest guy, but...

-you could argue a little here.
-About what?

Listen, I know I'm a jerk.
I'm the biggest jerk in the
world.

There was that time in Berlin
with the dominatrix and the
barbecued chicken,

but I was drunk. I was smoking
the wacky tabacky... [MUMBLES]

Enough truth for one day.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Shh. Did you hear that?

Let's get out of here.

[PHONE BEEPS]

We should be able to get a taxi
at the market place.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

SYDNEY:
Hey, what time is it?

One o'clock.

No, it's not, it's a
quarter past three.

[CHUCKLES]
Just wanted to see if I could
still lie.

I don't think there's
a chalice big enough to keep
you from lying, Stewey.

I don't like the looks of
that.

Huh?

-Neither do I.
-Run!

Find them. Stop them.

I must have the chalice.
So find them, whatever it takes.

-They're not after Stewey.
-Just our luck.

Let's split up, find Stewey
and get out of here.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

-[GRUNTS]
-Aah! Oh!

You've caused enough
problems.

[PANTING]

The chalice.

I don't have it.

I don't believe you.

If I had it, I couldn't
tell a lie, now could I?

[GUN COCKING]

[GRUNTS]

Good work, Nigel.

What?

I hid the chalice in a basket of
lettuce. It's not here
anymore.

We've got to find it.

-Lettuce.
-Endive.

[ENGINE REVS]

No!

Where is that truck headed?

Er... Lecole Lagrange.

Back to the cooking school?

The chalice is back
at the school. Find it.

What do you think happened to
Stewey?

It probably wasn't pretty,
but he can usually take care
of himself.

Where do you think you're
going?

Err... the graduation dinner.

You missed the entire sauce
class.

There's no graduation for
you.

-And no dinner.
-No?

-No.
-No?

[DOOR OPENS]

-Aah. Oh. Huh?
-You missed sauce, too.

No graduation, no dinner.

Well...

please forgive us, your
greatness, we wanted to come
to the sauce class,

we really did.

But we were so appreciative
of your inspired teachings...

that we felt compelled to
run around the marketplace...

iooking to buy you a gift.

The vendor I took those from,
bought those from,

said they were very good. In
fact, I almost kept them myself.

Truffles.

Second-rate.

But I do accept your apology.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Enjoy. [CHUCKLES]

What happed to the guys that
were following you?

I had to cut a deal, a very
expensive deal.

Huh?

One of the other students
has to be in on it,

otherwise how could they have
known we had the chalice at the
market?

Yes, but who?

I bet it's that
butt-kissing goodie-goodie.

I can smell a liar, a cheat
and a thief a mile away.

I can smell one six inches away.
When's the last time you
had a bath, Stewey?

Whoever it was, we've got
to get to the basket before they
do.

Let's split up again.
I'll meet you in the dining
room.

The bathroom is that way,
Stewey.

There's only 50 of them!

The time has come to stop
fooling around. Kill them.

The basket's there,
but the chalice is missing.

Anyone could've taken it,
Sydney, there's no way of
telling where.

You're early.

De La Croix must have had
several made to protect the real
one.

How do you plan on telling the
real one from the fakes?

Whoever has the real
one has to tell the truth.

Oh, no, wait a minute,
I'm not going through
that again.

[GUN COCKING]

[APPLAUDING]

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Asseyez-vous.

You know something, Sydney,

you could throw yourself across
this table naked right now and
I would just walk out.

Stewey!

Now we know it isn't this
one.

Stewey, you're one of the
most literate and intelligent
professors I've ever met...

and I look up to you with the
utmost regard. I guess it's
not this one.

It is good you are trying to
reform yourself after having
paid your debt to society.

Yeah, well, that's not
exactly true, mate.

Well, there are four corpses out
in my backyard no one knows
about.

The coppers find out,
I'm back inside for life.

Okay, let's keep our eye on
the chalice. Let's not lose
it again.

And then there's all the
bank robberies they never
got me on.

You should just go in and spray
the place with a machine gun.

-[IMMITATES GUN FIRING]
-[GASPING]

Calm down, stop this at once.

Class, please.

Let's have a little decorum
here.

Let's make a toast.

What is he, nuts?
There's nothing in here.

Must be symbolic.

Hmm.

You are, without question,

the most pathetic group
I have ever had.

Which is why I don't mind
overcharging you.

-That's the one.
-That's the one.

Look at you, you three.
Or should I say you six?

The only reason the men will
come to your restaurant is for
the melon specials.

I'm going to get the
chalice.

-[SPOON CLANGING]
-Whoops.

Oh... oh, my god.

And you, you tattooed ape,

here's a tip...

save some money on cooking
oil...

squeeze your hair
over the pan before cooking.

[GROWLS]

Get your hands off me!

Let's just do it.

GOON:
Come here and say that.
Great big...

[GRUNTING]

'scuse me. Ow!

Where's the chalice?

Come here. Take it back.

-Where's Amanda?
-Where'd she go?

Amanda. She must have taken it.

Whoops, watch my head,
coming through.

-Oh.
-Ooh!

Hug?

-Ow.
-Creep.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Thanks, Nigel, couldn't
have done it without you.

That's got to be true.

Saturday? I'm so sorry,
Richard, I can't.

My brother-in-law's coming
into town for the weekend and

I've got to show him
around, you know?

Tuesday?

No can do, I've got to do
charity work at the
children's hospital.

Acutally, I'm not doing
charity work at all.

In fact, I don't even like
children. Charity is such
a total joke.

In fact, the only reason
I keep stringing you along

is so you'll keep doing
half of my English assignments
for me.

You've got about as much
chance for a date with me as
Pam Anderson drowning.

Hi, Claudia.

Um, you two should leave now.

-Are you okay?
-No.

The worst possible thing in the
world is happening to me.

-What?
-I'm being honest.

Did you sort those essays from
Sydney's thursday class
like she asked you to?

Of course not. I just randomly
shoved them into some file
folders...

and stacked them neatly
so it looked like I did.

Two can play at this game.

Did you teach Sydney's
Wednesday's intro class
until four o'clock?

-Yes.
-No! I mean, no, all right? No.

Sydney, maybe we should
go to the office now.

Oh, I don't think so.
I've got a few questions
for both of you.

-Lunch?
-Please. Now?

Where do you want to go?

-I don't care.
-Yes, you do.

Yes, I do, you're right. I
hate those soggy sandwiches
you're always ordering.

-But you said you liked them.
-I lied.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]