Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 1 - Buddha's Bowl - full transcript

He's a fake it. It's just a trick.

Do not be envious of thy
neighbour's gathering.

It is not the bowl you want.

Believe in yourself, and you will
receive all the riches you need.

The net is unbelievable.

It's like having the world's biggest
store right on your desk.

I mean, you can shop for anything at any
time. It's like this gigantuous mall.

I'm telling you, you've got to try it.

It's like, you can even take your own
photo and put it into the computer...

and then try on clothes.
I swear to god, it's amazing.

Well, no.
I'm not exactly sure how it works.



But you should see how cool stuff
looks on me. Particularly the pastels.

Ex cept for cucumber, it totally sucks.

Makes me look like i have malaria or
something. Yeah, i have to get that.

Got to go.

I'm all ears.

- I'm here to see professor sydney fo x.
- She's in class.

- I see.
- You a new student?

N o, no. I'm actually... well,
i'm her new teaching assistant.

U h-huh.

After such a secluded
education in cambridge...

you can imagine how nervous i was
to land a position in america.

Silly to you, i'm sure. Obviously, once
i got here, i was quite put at ease.

Is there anything i should know?

You must be n igel.



Your demonstration was so wonderfully
unusual.

Was it the... maori or the...
sandos indians?

Oh, it was actually a composite
of several tribal cultures...

that embody similar methods of killing.

The most important thing at
the beginning of the term...

is to get the students ex cited about
history and hungry for more.

- Right.
- Otherwise history just becomes...

an ex ercise in memorising
things from books.

Lane wants to see you.
Said he'd meet you on the quad.

On my way.

That would be you following her now.

- Lane is?
- Curator of the museum. Lots of laughs.

- Robert.
- Sydney.

This is my new teaching
assistant, n igel bailey.

What's this about?

They're from a village in n epal.

They're positive that you can help
them find the buddha's bowl.

The oms bowl that siddhartha
threw away?

Mmm-hmm.
They claim to know where it is.

Travelled ten thousand miles just
to see you. Will talk to nobody else.

I'll take my leave now.

Is there anything i should know?

We have discovered an ancient map.

We now know the exact
location of the bowl.

One hundred and fifty years ago,
the people of kushinagar,

- where we are from...
- the place where buddha died.

...are building a monument.
We want to put buddha's bowl...

in a place of honour as a
testament to his teachings.

I really would like to help you, but...

people of the village
have collected these.

Why did buddha throw it away
in the first place?

It became more trouble than it was
worth. It was believed to have...

never run out of coins. Every time
it was empty, it filled up again.

I don't understand the problem.

Do you mean to say that you're
actually going to... i mean, now...

travelling for the purpose of...

- it looks like lombini.
- She is.

- Lombini gardens, n epal.
- Really?

- Some sort of fish? Golden koi?
- And so are you.

Chan, look at this. I happen to know
chan, and pardon me for saying this...

but you're in deep doo-doo.

I mean you've taken this trading company
that's been in your family for...

for generations,
and managed to single-handedly...

because of your lust for fancy
cars and expensive women...

or is it fancy women and
expensive cars?

- And managed to sink it into oblivion.
- That's not true.

Oh really? C ome off it, chan.
It's nearly beyond life support.

Now, i know it, and you know it.

The only person who doesn't
know it yet is your father.

And thank god, because it
would really break his heart.

I'll get it back.

You and how many gonnifs?

I, on the other hand, know a way for
you to bring it back from the dead.

- Get it back in a big way.
- N ot interested.

All right. Suit yourself, channy.

H ello? Yes, father.

I know this isn't what
you were expecting.

N ot exactly.

I just thought when i checked yes for
travel on the job application form...

that more or less meant the occasional
lecture in boston or something.

N ot that i'm not intrigued
by being here. I mean,

the end of the world.
But on my first day?

- And then i met your assistant...
- claudia.

She certainly didn't let on there'd
be anything more than that.

I mean, she doesn't share your love
of history, unless it can be bought.

It's unfortunate. H er father is a friend
of the college. That's why she's there.

H er love of history begins
and ends with marilyn.

- Monroe?
- Manson.

A lovely girl, i'm sure.

You're going to like the hunt, n igel.
I can tell.

Once we get to lombini, finding
the gardens shouldn't be difficult.

Lombini gardens.
It sounds peaceful, doesn't it?

If the map is correct, the golden koi
is in here somewhere.

You poke around in here.
I'll see what's downstairs.

Right.

The koi.

Yes!

Got to go.

Hey, wait a minute.
You can't leave yet.

I'm just starting to get
ahead a little, here.

You.

- Sweet cheeks.
- Sweet cheeks?

N ever mind.
You have the koi, don't you?

What? You mean this little old thing?

You don't think i just came down
here for my health, do you?

I mean, this isn't exactly bermuda, is it?

- H ow did you get here?
- Well, these three weirdos...

villagers from kushinagar, came by,
and they showed me this little map.

Then they tried to hire me...

with about twenty bucks worth of
worthless tokens. Can you imagine?

Give me that!

Let go of her.

- Stuey!
- Let go of her.

Stuey. You cockroach.

Sydney! They're calling the authorities!

I could go to jail!

Imagine what jail's
like around here?

- And there goes the koi.
- And my watch.

- What's he saying?
- We're screwed.

What's the matter? Are you
going to be all right?

Water, please.

Will one of you get her some water?
Can't you see how upset she is?

It's going to be all right.
Well, i'll get it myself.

C ome on! Let's go!

The next stop once we had
the koi would have been boldigaya.

I'm sure that's where he's going.

Why does he call you sweet cheeks?

That's not important.

Michael. I just thought
you should know.

There's been increasing
interest in the company.

Really? That's good news, father.

I trust the profit and loss
statements are up to date?

Absolutely.

Good.

I'd like you to prepare the entire
financial package for me.

Right away.

- Michael. Don't worry, i got the koi.
- I don't understand.

It's a long story. You're going to have
to trust me. The koi is the key.

The koi is the key.

- Yes, sir?
- Get me a ticket to boldigaya.

Let's get on the train. Get out of these
things. When we get to boldigaya...

we'll find a nice hotel, have a bath,
and a flask of whatever they call wine.

In interpreting the tree bark...

it seems to me that the koi
was just one of many.

- Really?
- Yes. There were several.

Which would mean?

One is not enough.
It's all part of a mosaic.

But stuey has the koi?

Yes and he knows we know he's got
the koi. I know he knows we know.

And he knows i know he knows.

- I'm not sure i'm following this.
- The point is, we have to be on guard.

Operate on the basis
that he can be anywhere.

That's why i think you're the best,
sweet cheeks. H iahh!

H ello there, kimosabes.

Perhaps you can help me.

Do any of you know what this means?

What it's used for? This koi. Yes.

It's supposed to be from
this area. Many of them.

Does it ring a bell?

You should forget about it.

Oh yeah? And why is that?

It is best you not know.
But you should forget you saw it.

Look. If its money you guys want,
i'm fresh out of beads, you know.

Wait a minute. H ey. What about this?

Very expensive. Very
expensive. Look,

multi-time zones. You can
keep that, kimosabes.

All you got to do is tell me about
this koi. It's the key. Right.

Which one of you is going to step
up and part with the goods, huh?

I will.

Like you said. The k oi is the key.

Water. The fountain holds the answers.

- Water?
- Yes.

Ex cuse me, but the watch,
you see, is actually mine...

and it was stolen in lombini by...

- fountain holds the answer.
- Right.

- It's not even a fish pond here.
- Well, it can't be this fountain.

Why not?

Well, this fountain is relatively new.
The one were looking for...

had to have been built well
over two hundred years ago.

Right. There's got to be
another fountain.

That's better.

Seven koi? It would never be.

What do you mean?

An odd number. C ompletely unlucky.
It just would never be.

- N ow what?
- I have no idea.

- You all right?
- Fine. Fine. Let's go. Ah.

- N igel.
- N o, really, i'm fine. N ot a problem.

- N igel.
- N o, really, i'm... ah! Beatles. Ah. Ah.

This is not exactly what i bargained for.

According to the guide, the buddha
tree should be just over the next ridge.

This is it.

If this is it, where's the buddha?

I don't know.

- N ow what?
- I don't know.

- We've come to a dead-end.
- Looks that way.

This is the right spot.
I'm sure of it.

Maybe we should go back
and talk to the guides.

- Get up.
- What?

- Get up.
- What is it?

We couldn't find the buddha because
it was right under our noses.

We were sitting on him.

The whole bloody place
is the buddha.

Fallen over. The bowl must
be somewhere inside.

And getting inside?

That's what the eye meant.
Buddha taught that the third eye...

was the way into our souls,
our inner beings.

- The eyes.
- The eyes.

Look, i have got to get out
of here, okay? Me go.

All right. What gives?

And offering is required
for your release.

- And offering?
- That is correct.

Look. Do you know who i am,
kimosabe? Huh?

Well, this is it. The third eye.
The repository of all knowledge.

Can't see a thing.

All right. So it was a different eye.

I think you got rid of them. Better...

to have the bugs on the outside of
the shirt than on the inside, tarzan.

All right. All right. Look. If you just
give me a second, i'm going to...

call my boss, and i'm... i'm going to
have him wire me some bucks, okay?

Cell phone.

You can call people. Anybody,
anytime, anywhere.

N o wires. Just a lot of ex orbitant
roaming charges. H ey!

Cell phone.

N okia 6100 digital,
with voice enhancement.

Look. You tell me where they are,
and it's yours.

It's enormous.

The bowl could be anywhere.

Maybe the buddha will give us a sign.

U gh!

We are obviously not the first
to come looking for it.

I just hope we're more successful.

Buddha teaches the way to n irvana
is through moderation, not abstinence.

Partaking, not denying.
Which is why his belly is so large.

- We'll find the bowl in the belly?
- I'm convinced of it.

U h!

Roaches.

- All over the place.
- They're just roaches, sydney.

I hate roaches.

Well, granted, they're not very
pleasant, but they are just bugs.

They're not bugs. They're roaches.
N obody likes roaches. Even people...

that like snakes don't like roaches.

There must be hundreds of them.

Your imagination is getting
the better of you.

There aren't that many of them.

You see? We've made our way
past the worst of them.

What's that?

I can't make it out.

- U gh!
- Oh.

Let's just get through them fast.

Well, there must be another
way through.

This is the only way to the
belly of the buddha.

Well, well. H aving problems there,
sweet cheeks? Who did you expect...

mahatma gandhi? Mind if i
play through? Roaches, huh?

You should see my apartment.

Stuey, stop!

What? What is it?

Don't take another step.
Remember kuranda?

- Kuranda? Spikes in the wall.
- N asty, weren't they?

Yeah.

H ey. You really do
care about me, huh?

Let's not get carried away now. Just
didn't want you to... well, you know.

Wait a minute. I thought
you said there were spikes.

I never said anything about spikes.

I just asked if you remembered
kuranda.

Sydney, stop.
Remember bangladesh?

Yeah right.

What the hell was that?

I tried to warn you, sweet cheeks.

- It was burundi.
- I lose track.

Siddhartha's bowl.

Listen, sydney, what are we fighting
about? Why don't we just split it?

Because it's not for sale.
It's a priceless relic.

Oh my god.

N o!

- Great. N ow what?
- We figure a way out.

Sydney. N ow what?

Listen. I have a confession
to make, sweet cheeks.

Why do you keep calling her that?

- It's not important.
- It started in c onstantinople.

- Singapore.
- I lose track.

We don't need to hear the story.

We were looking for the jade tiger.
We were in a field, and she had to...

you know, go behind the bushes.
And while she was... you know...

behind the bushes, a wasp decided
to take a siesta in her britches.

When she pulled them up...

it must have gotten a little
claustrophobic in there for the wasp.

Because... how many times
did he bite your ass?

Twenty? Thirty? Forty? Fifty times?

Anyway, we didn't have any salve,
any ointment or anything.

But one of the guides had some
marmalade. Surprisingly soothing.

All i wanted was a nice,
little teaching job.

You had a confession?

Yeah.

Look, since it looks like we're
all going to bite it here...

i just wanted to set the record straight.

Okay.

I'm a schmuck.

I'm a big schmuck.

I know that's not earthshattering news,
but i just wanted you to know, syd...

i really enjoyed working with you.
I mean it. It's been a lot of fun.

- Thanks, stuey.
- That's it.

Thanks, stuey. That's nice.

Anybody know any
good dying songs?

- A lever.
- A lever?

- A stone lever.
- What do you think it means?

Maybe it opens the door,
or releases the sand.

- We're not going with the flow.
- N o, we're not. We're definitely not.

What flow? There's no flow.

We're ignoring one of the basic
teachings of buddhism.

- Are we? What exactly would that be?
- Not to resist.

That's what i told you in rio.

That is your answer?
Not choose your solution?

To fight against pain and fear
is to be defeated by it.

To accept it is to conquer it.

Close your eyes and relax.

- Oh, sure.
- Breathe deeply.

Breathe!

You know, i hate to say this,
but not resisting is not working.

I must say i have to agree.

- Ah, we're missing something.
- Yes. A way out.

- Vibrations. Sound waves.
- Sound waves?

Maybe if we can make
the walls oscillate...

- the vibrations will move the handle.
- Oh, sure.

A chant. Meditate and chant,
as loud as you can.

- Ommmm...

- ommmm...
- ommmm...

louder.

Ommmm...

louder!

Ommmm...

it's moving.

We did it. It's working.

The bowl.
What happened to the bowl?

I have the bowl.

We always knew that some
day, someone would come.

It is important that the bowl goes
to someone of great need.

I want to return the bowl
to its rightful place.

The villagers of kushinagar are
building a monument to buddha.

They want to place it there,
as a final resting place.

A tribute to his memory,
and what he stood for.

Chan!

- You come for the bowl as well?
- Yes.

What is your need?

I need it to make the money
i've lost in my family's business.

- For personal gain?
- Yes, it is.

Loser.

Yes.

- I don't understand.
- His need was greater.

It's... it's not working.

It is. The bowl, like buddha, gives
to those what they need the most.

You need it not to work.

What are you talking about?

Perhaps you need to face up
to the truth of your actions.

I'm going to have to face my father.

And that is precisely
what you needed.

Michael, wait, wait. Wait! Michael.

- Guard it well.
- I will.

Wait. Wait. Michael, wait up.
Where's my money?

I don't owe you any money.
The bowl doesn't work.

But that's not my fault. I got you the
bowl. You owe me. Listen, michael.

Maybe they just don't know
how to use the bowl.

Maybe you got to rub it.
I think you got to rub it.

- You okay?
- Me? Fine. Perfect. You do this a lot?

Often enough. What do you think?

Well, to be honest, i found the whole
experience rather daunting.

Is that good or bad?

I don't know. It did
cost me a watch.

H ow did it...

you heard what the man said.
The bowl gives you what you need.

But i don't need the watch.

But you needed to
know that you didn't.

N ow that you have it back, you do.

It's going to be like this
a lot, isn't it?

You ain't seen nothing yet.

- H ow's it going?
- N ot bad.

What's happened?

I got a little carried away.
This online shopping is dangerous.

Trust me, claudia.
You don't know what dangerous is.

Oh, yes i do. I'm going to have
to return half of this stuff.

Remember those coins
the villagers gave me?

Yes.

Since he didn't get any money from
chan, i sent them to stuey, as a joke.

One of them turned out to be a lost
taxilla from the fourth century.

It was worth a fortune.