Regular Show (2009–2017): Season 7, Episode 4 - Local News Legend - full transcript
Margaret really wants to host a weekly segment on the nightly local news.
[♪♪♪]
Here's your coffee, sir.
Ah. Thank you, Margaret.
Hey, Marge, can you get me
a latte while you're up?
Please and thanks.
Of course.
Now, I think you all know
that each and every one of you
is an important part
of this team.
Which is why this last
announcement is for everybody.
Channel 6 is looking for
a fresh, edgy news segment,
something
with "wow" factor,
something
that screams weekly.
Now, as I said, this audition
is open to everyone.
Just, uh, give us your footage
in the next three days,
and the person we choose
gets their own weekly segment!
Here's your latte.
Oh, life-saver.
Well, Frank,
Chopper 6 has been fun,
but it might be
Jackie's time to shine.
I am gunning for
that weekly news segment.
I'm certainly
deserving of it,
seeing how I have never
missed a day of work,
not to mention
the traffic-y award I won.
Well, I think Margaret
would have a shot
if she tried out.
What?
No, I haven't even
been here that long.
I mean,
it would be amazing.
But there's no way
I'm ready.
You think I was ready
when I stepped on Chopper 6
for the first time?
I didn't even have
my pilot's license,
or my contact lenses,
but I flew her anyway.
Don't stop yourself
from pursuing your dreams.
Well, I really would like
that segment.
What's the harm
in trying?
That's my girl!
[LAUGHS]
But you have
your license now, right?
Let's go home.
Well, there could be
plenty harm in trying.
Frank, Frank?
Okay, so they're looking
for something
with a "wow" factor.
You guys have any ideas
that are, like, "Wow"?
Maybe go cerebral,
like with a think piece.
Maybe something like,
"Hmm," you know?
'Kay.
What else makes you guys
want to watch the news?
The car chases!
Yeah.
And, then,
when the cops are all like:
BOTH:
"Out of the car, dirtbag!"
[BOTH IMITATING GUNFIRE]
Yeah, dirtbags, that's it!
I'll go undercover
to catch all of the dirtbags
around the city.
FRANK:
Undercover reporter?
Yeah, like with disguises
and hidden cameras.
I want my segment
to really help people, you know?
I'll call it "Margaret always
mar-gets the bad guy."
I'm not loving the name,
but I love seeing
that fire in you, angel.
Say, Frank, last time
I checked, the mortality rates
for undercover reporters
was, uh, pretty high.
Sure you want to send your
little angel out into that mess?
It may be a little dangerous,
but I believe in Margaret.
You know, the station has
an anonymous-tip hotline.
I think that will give you
a leg up on your story.
That hotline
gave me a good tip
on corked broom handles
in that curling championship.
It gets
the Del seal of approval.
Oh, Del,
you have done it again.
[GROANS]
Come on, ring.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
"Any tips yet?"
[CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHIMES]
Whoa!
[RINGS]
Hello?
VOICE [DISTORTED]:
I've got a lead.
Meet me at the lot on the
corner of Elm and Highland.
I'll be there.
[YOWLS]
[WHISTLING]
Uh, are you--?
You ever heard of Cheezer's?
Uh, yeah.
This is a corporate e-mail
straight from the top.
You ever heard of
a vegetarian sandwich
with meat in it?
What?
The cheese
has been compromised.
[♪♪♪]
MAN:
Can I help who's next?
[IMITATING OLD WOMAN]
Hello, you whippersnapper.
I hope you take
senior discounts here,
seeing as I am one.
Oh, we do, ma'am.
I can't wait to eat one of
those vegetarian sandwiches.
Say, you haven't started
putting meat in those,
have you?
Oh, uh, no, ma'am.
That's funny...
[NORMALLY]
'Cause this says differently.
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
Do you want to add
some jalapeño zingers
and make it a meal?
What? No!
This is the news!
I got you! You got got!
Hey, let me see this.
Oh, you should
check your sources, lady.
This is
a pretty old campaign.
See?
"Cheezer's
uses grade-a meat...
Less products!"
I can't believe
you fell for that!
[ALL LAUGH]
Next.
[GROANS]
That was so embarrassing.
I'll have to go to that
Cheezer's across town now.
[RINGS]
Hello?
VOICE [DISTORTED]: It's me.
You! This better be good.
Your last tip was a bust.
Cheezer's was clean.
That's what
they want you to think.
Anyway,
forget about Cheezer's.
I've got something better.
Tomorrow at 10.
You know where to find me.
Hello? Where are you?
Over here.
In this dumpster?
No. The other dumpster.
Ah. Ever heard of,
uh, gambling?
Yes.
Well, word on the street is
is that
the local park manager
is using taxpayer money
to run a gambling ring
inside the park.
Okay, now you're
definitely wrong.
I know those guys,
and there's no way
they're running
a gambling ring.
I don't believe you.
Well, maybe
you'll believe this.
[♪♪♪]
Follow the money.
Yeah, this one is
the best Gambler in town.
SKIPS:
Nice. How much did he run ya?
Couple hundred, but I got
something out of it.
Read 'em and weep.
Ho, ho, ho!
Does he count cards?
Does a full house
beat a straight?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hold it right there,
swindlers!
Huh?
Huh?
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
Margaret?
Is that some sort
of bad catchphrase
I'm not familiar with?
I didn't want to believe it,
but you are running
an illegal gambling ring
on taxpayer money.
This money is just
the rebate I got
from buying the Gambler,
our brand-new lawn mower.
But you were talking about
counting cards.
Yeah, employee ID cards.
[BEEPS]
One.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
No keys.
[GROANS]
Well, you're not getting
around this one.
Explain this picture.
Oh, that's from our
community casino night.
Why'd we stop
doing that again?
Fine!
You're not gamblers.
I was wrong again.
MORDECAI:
We could have told you the park
doesn't have a gambling ring.
I know. I just wanted
the segment so badly,
I talked myself into
believing that tip.
Now what do I do?
Maybe you could do
a simpler segment,
like a cooking show.
You make a mean pound cake.
He said
they wanted "wow" factor,
not "hmm" factor.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS]
It's the tipster.
This is weird.
He's never texted me before.
[♪♪♪]
Glad you could make it.
I got a real good one
this time.
Ever heard of coffee?
[SIGHS]
Yes. I've heard of coffee.
Well, then, maybe you've
heard of this coffee shop.
They're not serving
real coffee.
All they brew are lies.
Wow.
That's your hop tip?
If you go in there
and order a latte,
I'm sure you'll find--
A latte?
I've worked there before,
and nobody orders lattes.
What's your game?
If you don't want my tip,
that's fine.
I've got a lot more people
to tip off.
I'm just a regular,
anonymous--
WOMAN:
--tipster.
Wait! Say that again.
Uh, no, I won't.
Scram!
[GASPS]
Jackie Carmichael!
Think I'm gonna let you
waltz right in
and take that
weekly segment from me?
I won an award once.
I'm not losing out
to Frank's little girl.
I thought something
was weird about you,
which is why I recorded
everything on hidden camera.
[GASPS]
Once I upload this footage
to the news station's
hard drive,
it's game over for you.
[WHISTLES]
[TIRES SCREECH,
HORN HONKS]
Floor it!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
I'll show you
who drinks lattes!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[♪♪♪]
This is bad! Jackie's not gonna
let us get to the station alive.
We just got to give this footage
to the station.
It's uploading now.
You don't know
who you're messing with!
I earned that segment!
Just keep the van steady.
I'm going live.
Mr. Samuelson,
please, don't cut me off.
What the--?
I know this is weird,
but trust me,
there's a story here.
Should I cut her feed?
No, uh, wait.
See where
she's going with this.
We interrupt this broadcast
for some breaking news.
Channel 6 news reporter
Jackie Carmichael
is currently engaged
in a high-speed chase with me.
What?
I am being pursued by
Ms. Carmichael because I am
in possession of evidence
that would no doubt
ruin her career.
I've always dreamt
of becoming a reporter
because the news
informed people.
It helped people.
A reporter's duty
is to deliver the truth,
not twist it
for their personal gain.
That's why
I'm risking everything
to show people the truth.
Hang on, sweetie.
[BEEPING]
What you're about to see
is actual video footage
of Jackie Carmichael
giving false evidence
and twisting the truth,
all to get her own
weekly news segment.
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
She's on the roof! Aah!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Unh! I am-- Unh! Currently
being tossed back and forth!
Let's check in with the driver
to see how things are going.
It's okay.
I think we shook her.
Oh! Aah!
MARGARET:
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, man!
[GASPS]
Hey, Jackie, report this!
[BOTH GASP]
If Margaret survives this,
she is getting
her own segment!
You, you're--
An award-winning reporter
and robot from the future.
Yes. Yes, I am.
I was sent here to infiltrate
and destroy local news!
In my time,
it is the one blemish
on our utopian society.
A blemish?
The local news provides
an important service
to the citizens
of every city.
Oh, you don't believe
that tripe, do you?
The news is mostly just people
reading the internet aloud.
It is holding humanity back.
If you'll just
give me the footage,
it'll be like
this never happened.
Help me complete my mission,
Margaret.
Help me destroy local news
and enter an age of prosperity.
[♪♪♪]
Here. Take it.
You've done the right thing,
Margaret.
Margaret?
You know, Jackie,
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
I'm still
not loving that name.
Huh? No!
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Dirtbags! Dirtbags! Dirtbags!
Go, Margaret! Whoo!
Thumbs-up, Margaret.
We got a segment!
We used to date.
I didn't know Chopper 6
had missiles.
Well, we only had the one,
just in case something
like this might happen.
Anyway, I'm so proud of you,
honey.
Also, did you know
that Jackie was a robot?
I didn't.
I really did not.
Well, you did great.
Sure, that cameraman was lost,
and there was
millions of dollars of damage
done to the highway,
but you proved that local news
is pretty neat.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Here's your coffee, sir.
Ah. Thank you, Margaret.
Hey, Marge, can you get me
a latte while you're up?
Please and thanks.
Of course.
Now, I think you all know
that each and every one of you
is an important part
of this team.
Which is why this last
announcement is for everybody.
Channel 6 is looking for
a fresh, edgy news segment,
something
with "wow" factor,
something
that screams weekly.
Now, as I said, this audition
is open to everyone.
Just, uh, give us your footage
in the next three days,
and the person we choose
gets their own weekly segment!
Here's your latte.
Oh, life-saver.
Well, Frank,
Chopper 6 has been fun,
but it might be
Jackie's time to shine.
I am gunning for
that weekly news segment.
I'm certainly
deserving of it,
seeing how I have never
missed a day of work,
not to mention
the traffic-y award I won.
Well, I think Margaret
would have a shot
if she tried out.
What?
No, I haven't even
been here that long.
I mean,
it would be amazing.
But there's no way
I'm ready.
You think I was ready
when I stepped on Chopper 6
for the first time?
I didn't even have
my pilot's license,
or my contact lenses,
but I flew her anyway.
Don't stop yourself
from pursuing your dreams.
Well, I really would like
that segment.
What's the harm
in trying?
That's my girl!
[LAUGHS]
But you have
your license now, right?
Let's go home.
Well, there could be
plenty harm in trying.
Frank, Frank?
Okay, so they're looking
for something
with a "wow" factor.
You guys have any ideas
that are, like, "Wow"?
Maybe go cerebral,
like with a think piece.
Maybe something like,
"Hmm," you know?
'Kay.
What else makes you guys
want to watch the news?
The car chases!
Yeah.
And, then,
when the cops are all like:
BOTH:
"Out of the car, dirtbag!"
[BOTH IMITATING GUNFIRE]
Yeah, dirtbags, that's it!
I'll go undercover
to catch all of the dirtbags
around the city.
FRANK:
Undercover reporter?
Yeah, like with disguises
and hidden cameras.
I want my segment
to really help people, you know?
I'll call it "Margaret always
mar-gets the bad guy."
I'm not loving the name,
but I love seeing
that fire in you, angel.
Say, Frank, last time
I checked, the mortality rates
for undercover reporters
was, uh, pretty high.
Sure you want to send your
little angel out into that mess?
It may be a little dangerous,
but I believe in Margaret.
You know, the station has
an anonymous-tip hotline.
I think that will give you
a leg up on your story.
That hotline
gave me a good tip
on corked broom handles
in that curling championship.
It gets
the Del seal of approval.
Oh, Del,
you have done it again.
[GROANS]
Come on, ring.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
"Any tips yet?"
[CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHIMES]
Whoa!
[RINGS]
Hello?
VOICE [DISTORTED]:
I've got a lead.
Meet me at the lot on the
corner of Elm and Highland.
I'll be there.
[YOWLS]
[WHISTLING]
Uh, are you--?
You ever heard of Cheezer's?
Uh, yeah.
This is a corporate e-mail
straight from the top.
You ever heard of
a vegetarian sandwich
with meat in it?
What?
The cheese
has been compromised.
[♪♪♪]
MAN:
Can I help who's next?
[IMITATING OLD WOMAN]
Hello, you whippersnapper.
I hope you take
senior discounts here,
seeing as I am one.
Oh, we do, ma'am.
I can't wait to eat one of
those vegetarian sandwiches.
Say, you haven't started
putting meat in those,
have you?
Oh, uh, no, ma'am.
That's funny...
[NORMALLY]
'Cause this says differently.
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
Do you want to add
some jalapeño zingers
and make it a meal?
What? No!
This is the news!
I got you! You got got!
Hey, let me see this.
Oh, you should
check your sources, lady.
This is
a pretty old campaign.
See?
"Cheezer's
uses grade-a meat...
Less products!"
I can't believe
you fell for that!
[ALL LAUGH]
Next.
[GROANS]
That was so embarrassing.
I'll have to go to that
Cheezer's across town now.
[RINGS]
Hello?
VOICE [DISTORTED]: It's me.
You! This better be good.
Your last tip was a bust.
Cheezer's was clean.
That's what
they want you to think.
Anyway,
forget about Cheezer's.
I've got something better.
Tomorrow at 10.
You know where to find me.
Hello? Where are you?
Over here.
In this dumpster?
No. The other dumpster.
Ah. Ever heard of,
uh, gambling?
Yes.
Well, word on the street is
is that
the local park manager
is using taxpayer money
to run a gambling ring
inside the park.
Okay, now you're
definitely wrong.
I know those guys,
and there's no way
they're running
a gambling ring.
I don't believe you.
Well, maybe
you'll believe this.
[♪♪♪]
Follow the money.
Yeah, this one is
the best Gambler in town.
SKIPS:
Nice. How much did he run ya?
Couple hundred, but I got
something out of it.
Read 'em and weep.
Ho, ho, ho!
Does he count cards?
Does a full house
beat a straight?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hold it right there,
swindlers!
Huh?
Huh?
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
Margaret?
Is that some sort
of bad catchphrase
I'm not familiar with?
I didn't want to believe it,
but you are running
an illegal gambling ring
on taxpayer money.
This money is just
the rebate I got
from buying the Gambler,
our brand-new lawn mower.
But you were talking about
counting cards.
Yeah, employee ID cards.
[BEEPS]
One.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
No keys.
[GROANS]
Well, you're not getting
around this one.
Explain this picture.
Oh, that's from our
community casino night.
Why'd we stop
doing that again?
Fine!
You're not gamblers.
I was wrong again.
MORDECAI:
We could have told you the park
doesn't have a gambling ring.
I know. I just wanted
the segment so badly,
I talked myself into
believing that tip.
Now what do I do?
Maybe you could do
a simpler segment,
like a cooking show.
You make a mean pound cake.
He said
they wanted "wow" factor,
not "hmm" factor.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS]
It's the tipster.
This is weird.
He's never texted me before.
[♪♪♪]
Glad you could make it.
I got a real good one
this time.
Ever heard of coffee?
[SIGHS]
Yes. I've heard of coffee.
Well, then, maybe you've
heard of this coffee shop.
They're not serving
real coffee.
All they brew are lies.
Wow.
That's your hop tip?
If you go in there
and order a latte,
I'm sure you'll find--
A latte?
I've worked there before,
and nobody orders lattes.
What's your game?
If you don't want my tip,
that's fine.
I've got a lot more people
to tip off.
I'm just a regular,
anonymous--
WOMAN:
--tipster.
Wait! Say that again.
Uh, no, I won't.
Scram!
[GASPS]
Jackie Carmichael!
Think I'm gonna let you
waltz right in
and take that
weekly segment from me?
I won an award once.
I'm not losing out
to Frank's little girl.
I thought something
was weird about you,
which is why I recorded
everything on hidden camera.
[GASPS]
Once I upload this footage
to the news station's
hard drive,
it's game over for you.
[WHISTLES]
[TIRES SCREECH,
HORN HONKS]
Floor it!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
I'll show you
who drinks lattes!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[♪♪♪]
This is bad! Jackie's not gonna
let us get to the station alive.
We just got to give this footage
to the station.
It's uploading now.
You don't know
who you're messing with!
I earned that segment!
Just keep the van steady.
I'm going live.
Mr. Samuelson,
please, don't cut me off.
What the--?
I know this is weird,
but trust me,
there's a story here.
Should I cut her feed?
No, uh, wait.
See where
she's going with this.
We interrupt this broadcast
for some breaking news.
Channel 6 news reporter
Jackie Carmichael
is currently engaged
in a high-speed chase with me.
What?
I am being pursued by
Ms. Carmichael because I am
in possession of evidence
that would no doubt
ruin her career.
I've always dreamt
of becoming a reporter
because the news
informed people.
It helped people.
A reporter's duty
is to deliver the truth,
not twist it
for their personal gain.
That's why
I'm risking everything
to show people the truth.
Hang on, sweetie.
[BEEPING]
What you're about to see
is actual video footage
of Jackie Carmichael
giving false evidence
and twisting the truth,
all to get her own
weekly news segment.
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
She's on the roof! Aah!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Unh! I am-- Unh! Currently
being tossed back and forth!
Let's check in with the driver
to see how things are going.
It's okay.
I think we shook her.
Oh! Aah!
MARGARET:
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, man!
[GASPS]
Hey, Jackie, report this!
[BOTH GASP]
If Margaret survives this,
she is getting
her own segment!
You, you're--
An award-winning reporter
and robot from the future.
Yes. Yes, I am.
I was sent here to infiltrate
and destroy local news!
In my time,
it is the one blemish
on our utopian society.
A blemish?
The local news provides
an important service
to the citizens
of every city.
Oh, you don't believe
that tripe, do you?
The news is mostly just people
reading the internet aloud.
It is holding humanity back.
If you'll just
give me the footage,
it'll be like
this never happened.
Help me complete my mission,
Margaret.
Help me destroy local news
and enter an age of prosperity.
[♪♪♪]
Here. Take it.
You've done the right thing,
Margaret.
Margaret?
You know, Jackie,
Margaret always mar-gets
the bad guy.
I'm still
not loving that name.
Huh? No!
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Dirtbags! Dirtbags! Dirtbags!
Go, Margaret! Whoo!
Thumbs-up, Margaret.
We got a segment!
We used to date.
I didn't know Chopper 6
had missiles.
Well, we only had the one,
just in case something
like this might happen.
Anyway, I'm so proud of you,
honey.
Also, did you know
that Jackie was a robot?
I didn't.
I really did not.
Well, you did great.
Sure, that cameraman was lost,
and there was
millions of dollars of damage
done to the highway,
but you proved that local news
is pretty neat.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]