Red vs. Blue (2003–…): Season 14, Episode 3 - Fifty Shades of Red - full transcript
There can only be one Sarge, but many can apply for the job opening.
- [Vic] You know,
Project de los Freelancer
really nailed it
when it came to building
two armies worth of idiots.
Some people say it's because
we had such convincing propaganda,
but I'm pretty sure
there's just that many stupid
people in the universe.
(playful music)
- [Narrator] You joined the military
to help fight off the alien scourge.
You were told that joining the military
would keep your fellow man safe.
But what you weren't told
is that your fellow man
could very well be our real enemy.
And they're already here.
Every day hiding in plain sight,
Blue conspirators conspire against us.
Our way of life, our very freedom.
But not all is lost!
Military intelligence
has been gathering
information on the enemy,
and after months of
analyzing and planning,
have come up with a way
to combat the true enemy,
the Blue enemy.
To combat this Blue enemy,
the military has formed a
strike force code name Red Team.
This team is comprised of
only the most elite soldiers,
those willing to do what it takes
to eliminate the Blue bastards.
These Red commandos are
familiarizing themselves
with the military's
newest and best equipment.
Just ask this fine soldier here.
What's your name and rank soldier?
- Sarge.
- [Narrator] And your name?
- I just told you, are
you slow or something son?
- [Narrator] Right?
Well then, let's continue.
So Sarge, what's that fine piece
of hardware you have there?
- Oh, this here is the M90 shotgun.
8-gauge magnum rounds.
Chrome-lined barrel, and
glow-in-the-dark sights,
There are many like it,
but this one, she's mine.
- [Narrator] That's a
fine piece of hardware-
- And don't even think about touching her.
- [Narrator] I wasn't going to.
- Or looking at her.
I can see you looking.
- [Narrator] Uh...I'm sorry?
- Damn skippy, dirtba-
- [Narrator] Whoa, looks like Sarge
had to go off on a super-secret mission
against the vile Blue Team.
Back to that high-speed gear.
Let's check in with
another fine Red soldier.
- [Soldier 1] Dude, she is so hot.
- [Soldier 2] You know, I
don't feel really comfortable
looking at this with you.
- Dibs.
- Damn it!
- [Narrator] How goes it gents?
- Ah, I swear I just found it.
- Don't tell Sarge.
- I was only holding it for Lopez.
- [Narrator] Uh...
- Wait a second, who are you?
And what are you doing with that camera?
- [Narrator] We're with the Red Command
Military Intelligence,
and we're here to film you fine soldiers
so you can tell the galaxy
about the thrilling
lifestyle of the Red Army.
- It sucks, everything's Red.
We don't-
- Oh, okay.
Well, what about all the
top-notch military equipment
you and your men are using
to fend off the Blue scourge.
- Um...Well, we have a
robot that speaks Spanish
and I guess that's helpful,
or, well, I mean, it
really doesn't help us.
- [Narrator] What about that heavy hitter
you've got there soldier?
- Why did you just hand me this?
- [Narrator] Care to
tell us what it's like
to hold liberty in the palm of your hand?
- I can keep the rocket launcher, right?
- Sure.
- Then shit yeah,
what do you need camera guy?
- [Narrator] Let's start with your name.
- Dexter Grif, "Rocket Expert".
- Why'd you give it to him?
- [Narrator] All right
Grif, what's your rank here
at Blood Gulch Outpost number one?
- They call me Sergeant.
- [Soldier] Where you at Grif.
- [Narrator] Who was that?
- Just ignore him,
he can't handle that
we're both the same rank
now that Simmons and I
are being transferRed over to Rat's Nest.
- [Narrator] Well, Sergeant.
- [Sarge] What do you want?
- [Narrator] Grif, mind
telling us a little
about that rocket launcher you have there
and how it's helping to combat the enemy?
- This thing? You just gave it to me.
- And again, why not give it to me?
- You know, I don't
like your tone Private.
- Oh yeah, well, I don't
like your anything, Sergeant.
(rocket launcher blasts)
- Help!
- Do not sass me Private.
Now quit bleeding all over my base.
- [Narrator] Could you please
just talk about fighting the Blues?
- Who?
Oh, you mean Tucker and those guys?
Are we back to hating them again?
I thought everything was cool
since the whole alien
thing with the Freelancer-
- [Narrator] All right, turn it off!
Turn it off!
(upbeat music)
Boy, looks like those high-speed troops
sure are busy on super-secret missions.
Now you might be asking yourself
if you've already got all
these least tip-top soldiers,
why do you need me?
Easy, while our Red soldiers
are keeping the enemy at bay,
military intelligence
has found that the...
Gentlemen!
- But I told her I had a sniper rifle.
She's expecting me to bring it.
- [Narrator] Gentlemen!
- I don't care what
you told Grif's sister.
I am not letting you take my sniper rifle
on your imaginary date.
- It's not imaginary,
she's totally into me.
- [Narrator] Will you please just focus!
- Who are you again?
- For the last time
we are the same rank!
- Oh, the pain.
- [Voiceover] The Blue! Red! Blue!
- [Narrator] Traitors
are alien sympathizers.
(upbeat music)
Ugh, disgusting.
They even hate our very own children.
- I hate babies!
- [Narrator] You exceptional soldiers
have been handpicked by your
commanders to join Red Team.
Join and be a part of the team
that is making a difference.
Do you wanna drive a Warthog?
- Join the Red Team.
- [Narrator] Do you wanna
see new and exciting places?
- Join the Red Team, team, team, team!
- [Narrator] Do you wanna
be where the action is?
- Join the Red Team.
- [Sarge] Caboose, get out of here.
- Okay.
- [Narrator] So if you
think you're lean enough
and if you think you're mean enough,
and if you wanna send those Blue heathens
back to the hell they came from,
then do your part and accept
the invitation to Red Team.
- [Grif] No, seriously,
are we really not cool
with the Blues anymore?
- [Narrator] Fuck it! Fuck it!
We'll fix it in post.
- [Vic] Who would win in a fight?
Now, if that's not the
most popular question
asked around Project Freelancer,
I don't know what it is.
Oh, no wait, it'd probably be,
hey, where do these AI keep coming from?
Or have you noticed that we're
looking pretty evil lately?
Anyway, there's been plenty
of action-packed punch outs,
and kick-ass karate
matches over the years,
but we never really saw a matchup
between two of our heaviest
hitters, Carolina and the Meta.
Let's see if we can do
something about that.
(dramatic music)
- Hey.
- Yeah?
- You ever wonder who'd win
in a fight between Carolina and the Meta?
- No, only hopeless nerds on the internet
care about that kind of crap.
- Yeah, why do you think I'm asking you?
Come on, picture it,
it'd be totally badass.
- Well, yeah, I guess.
Carolina would definitely win though.
- Bullshit!
You're just picking her
'cause you're scared of girls.
Meta is way scarier.
He threw a Warthog at me.
- Oh, I didn't realize scariness
was the deciding factor
in a fight to the fucking death, genius.
- Hey Ranks, what are you talking about?
- Oh, Grif was just
asking what would happen
if Carolina and Meta fought.
- By who?
- One another.
- Is that a who?
- What?
- What?
- Just ignore him.
- Oh you mean death battle.
- I mean, sure.
- Oh! Awesome! Hang on.
I know some smart people that can help.
Be right back!
- Do you have any idea
what he's talking about?
- No, but I do know that
you're still fucking wrong.
- Okay, I'm back.
- Well, that was fast.
- Yep, I called Command
and they sent two of their
best scientist fighting people
to help us.
- Their best?
Really?
- And that's how you write
your name in buckshot.
- All right, all right,
enough screwing around.
We've got a job to do.
- Oh, fine.
- I think you're forgetting
the Command's best
is just a step up from incompetent.
- They sent us Donut.
- I rest my case.
- Introducing Chase and Boomstick.
- It's Wiz and Boomstick.
- Wow, those are the dumbest
names I've ever heard.
- Franklin Delano Donut.
- And I retract my previous statement.
- Yeah, well you've got the
dumbest face I've ever seen.
- I thought you were supposed to be smart.
I'm wearing a helmet.
- Oh my God, me too.
- All right, so how you guys do this?
You just like drawn names out of a hat,
cast some chicken bones around?
- It's our job to analyze their
weapons, armor, and skills,
to find out who would win a death battle.
- Why did you say it like that?
- Just, just watch.
(upbeat music)
- [Wiz] Before there was Red versus Blue,
there was Project Freelancer.
The Freelancers were
highly trained soldiers
with experimental weaponry
and a mission so secret,
not even they knew what it was.
- [Boomstick] Kind of stupid in hindsight,
but these were true soldiers.
The biggest and the strongest
of them all was Agent Maine.
- [Wiz] Maine was the muscle of the team,
relying on his brute
strength, wrestling styles,
and his unwavering ferocity
to intimidate and crush his foes.
- [Boomstick] While he liked carrying
an M6G Magnum Pistol into battle,
he really likes a certain alien
grenade launcher he stole.
The Type-25 Grenade
Launcher, AKA the Brute Shot.
- I mean, seriously, look at this thing.
It's got a blade,
and can fire up to four
rounds in three seconds.
Let's test that, shall we?
- Hey, that's mine.
Give it back.
(weapon blasting)
(soldier groaning)
- Well, in conclusion, I love this thing.
- [Boomstick] So the guy
was a badass fighter.
Too bad Project Freelancer
ended up turning him into a monster.
- [Wiz] Long story short, the
Director of Project Freelancer
received a rare artificial
intelligence for testing.
- [Boomstick] The Director imagined
an army of super soldiers paired with AIs,
but he could only get the one.
- [Wiz] Being the
resourceful scientist he was,
the Director decided to torture the AI,
forcing it to separate its raw emotions
into multiple personalities
to save itself.
These personalities were captured
as individual AI fragments
and paired with different freelancers.
Trust me, that's science.
- [Boomstick] Maine was given Sigma,
the AI fragment representing
ambition and creativity.
And apparently being creative
makes you fucking evil.
- [Wiz] Desperate to gather
his fellow AI fragments
and reform into a perfect AI,
Sigma manipulated and brainwashed Maine,
turning him into the murdering psychopath
known as the Meta.
- [Boomstick] The Meta went on a rampage,
betraying his fellow freelancers
and stealing their AIs.
He was like the predator,
but bigger, meaner,
and with tons of overpowered equipment.
- [Wiz] His domed energy shield
creates a nigh impregnable force field.
- It can block bullets, explosions,
and even shells from tanks.
Allow us to demonstrate.
Here's Grif inside an energy shield.
- Yeah, so?
- And here is a tank operated by Caboose.
- [Caboose] And what could go wrong?
- Oh, shit.
- Fire in the hole, in-1.
(tank blasts)
- Let's try that again Blue buddy.
- [Caboose] Yes sir, Captain Deadpan!
- Huh!
- Wait, it ran out of...
(blast)
(Grif shouting)
- Now, if the energy shield had been there
Grif would've been fine.
- [Caboose] Wow, science is fun.
- [Simmons] I've said it for years.
- [Wiz] As if that weren't enough,
the Meta's active camouflage
turns him practically invisible.
His strength-boost enhancement
grants him, well, super strength,
and most impressively, his
temporal distortion device
can slow time to a crawl.
- [Boomstick] He can turn
invisible and stop time?
This guy sounds unstoppable.
- [Wiz] Unfortunately,
running so much equipment
alongside so many AI fragments
consumes a lot of power.
But that hasn't stopped him
from killing several freelancers
and stealing seven other AIs.
- [Boomstick] Not to mention,
the dude can take a hit
and keep on going,
even when that hit is taking nine shots,
point blank to the neck.
Man, and I thought my
voice made my throat hurt.
No wonder he never talks.
- [Wiz] The only thing that could stop him
was when a couple of idiots
stabbed him in the chest,
tied him to a car, and
threw that car off a cliff
into the freezing ocean.
- [Boomstick] But let's be fair Wiz,
that's a pretty fucking
hardcore way to go.
(upbeat music)
(tires screeching)
(metal clanging)
- Hey, wait a minute,
where'd you get all this footage?
Have you been spying on us?
- Don't worry about it.
(metal bangs)
- [Wiz] Leading the troops
of Project Freelancer,
Agent Carolina, was supposedly
the best of the best.
She commanded the team through
many successful missions,
mastered several martial arts,
and her top spot on the
leaderboard seemed untouchable.
- [Boomstick] Until a mysterious stranger
showed up out of the blue
and ruined everything.
But we'll get to that later.
Carolina carries a
wider variety of weapons
than most freelancers.
Over the course of her career,
she's favored the standard Magnum Pistol,
dual plasma rifles, a grappling hook,
which can operate in outer space,
a humbler stun device, which
is basically a shock baton,
and a long range BR55 barrel rifle.
It's not as flashy as a shotgun,
but it's got an impressive
range of over 3000 feet.
(rifle blasts)
- Ow! Why me?
- It just feels right.
- [Wiz] Like many other freelancers,
Carolina also possesses an AI companion,
several actually, but for this matchup,
we'll be focusing on the
time she spent with Epsilon,
the memory of the original Alpha
AI the Director fragmented.
It's also known as Church.
Like the other AI fragments,
Epsilon experiences time
205 times slower than a human being.
And therefore drastically speeds up
Carolina's thoughts and reaction time.
- [Boomstick] Too bad
he's kind of an asshole,
and by kind of, I mean,
that's basically his thing.
- Guys, I'm an asshole.
- [Boomstick] In her
post-Freelancer career,
Carolina made it her mission to track down
as much experimental armor
equipment as possible.
And let me tell you, she
did a pretty damn good job.
Like Maine, she managed to
acquire the domed energy shield,
but also picked up adaptive camouflage,
a speed boost, and a healing unit.
- [Wiz] Unfortunately,
just one AI fragment
isn't enough to run all
of this equipment at once.
In battle, if Carolina's not careful,
she can accidentally push Epsilon too far
and essentially short circuit him.
- [Boomstick] Yeah, for a leader,
she's kind of hotheaded
and super competitive.
Like when Agent Texas
joined the Freelancer crew
and started showing her up,
Carolina started making
a lot of stupid mistakes.
- [Wiz] There's a lot going on here.
Turns out the Director was
Carolina's father all along,
and Tex was actually
the AI fragment memory
of his deceased wife.
Meaning Carolina's greatest
rival for her father's approval
was actually her own mother.
- Wait, what?
You're making that up.
- You guys didn't know that?
Where have you been, pay attention.
- Yeah, seriously guys,
it's like super obvious.
- Huh? Suddenly everything
makes a lot more sense.
- Fuck dude, remember
when all we used to do
is stand around and talk?
- Yeah, good times.
- Good times.
- Ow!
- (chuckles) Still love this thing.
- [Wiz] Regardless,
Carolina is one tough woman.
She's defeated several other freelancers,
saved an entire planet from civil war,
and once blocked the shockwave
of a nuclear explosion.
- [Boomstick] She and Epsilon
were even skilled enough
to track down dear old dad,
after he went into hiding
just to help him kill himself.
Jeez, that got dark real fast.
- [Voiceover] Who are you?
- I'm your true warrior.
(metal bangs)
- [Wiz] All right, the combatants are set,
let's end this debate once and for all.
- [Boomstick] It's time
for a death battle!
(metal bangs)
(wind whooshing)
(electric buzz)
(martial art noises)
(playful music)
- Time.
- Oh yeah, just 0.03
milliseconds too slow.
Looks like I'm picking the movie tonight.
- Oh, can it not be another
garbage action movie?
- Oh, come on, they're hilarious.
Everyone talks in one liners,
the plot's nonexistent.
It's like the characters are just there
to beat the shit out of each other.
(alarm tingling)
Uh-oh!
- What is it?
- I think we're about to have company.
(gun cocks)
- Maine!
- Not exactly.
- That's more perfect.
- Take it.
- Okay, if we win, you can
totally pick the movie.
(glass shattering)
- [Announcer] Fight!
(gunshots blaring)
- [Church] Not working.
- I can see that.
(punches landing)
(dramatic music)
(baton buzzing)
(dramatic music)
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
- [Church] You sure you
can't set that thing to kill?
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
- Just hold on!
(dramatic music)
- Church, where is he?
- [Church] I'm on it, scanning.
Your left.
(dramatic music)
(punches landing)
(Carolina groaning)
(dramatic music continues)
- Church, I need Armor Enhancements.
- [Church] Which ones?
- All of them.
- [Church] That doesn't
seem like a good idea.
Yeah, shit.
(Carolina groans)
Damn it!
Focusing on the healing unit, I got you.
Carolina, can you hear me?
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
You got him.
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
Okay, seriously, what the fuck!
♪ Yeah they're going down. ♪
♪ If they ever thought they had a shot ♪
♪ You're the one who sold
the lies they bought ♪
(punches landing)
Hey, hey, wait, wait.
Hold up.
- [AI] It's him.
- So, I know you're about to
pummel her ginger face in and all,
but you also only talk in grunts,
so I'm just gonna say this
one line for you, okay,
just this one time.
Oh, son of a bitch.
(weapon blasts)
- [Announcer] KO.
- Church.
- Yeah!
- No action movies.
(metal bangs)
- Holy shit.
- I know he did not even
have a head under his helmet.
He was a ghost the whole time.
- I told you, I told you.
- Like Bruce Willis.
- Bullshit, Meta's stronger,
he should have won.
- Not true Grif.
As the Freelancer leaderboard prooves,
strength isn't everything.
- [Wiz] Carolina's mastery of martial arts
let her hold her own.
And her use of equipment
allowed her to match and
even counter the Meta's.
He may have gained an upper hand
with his temporal distortion,
but Carolina's healing
unit quickly repaired
damage done during the attack.
- [Boomstick] Even though the Meta
had all that powerful equipment,
it drained his suit's energy way too fast.
Carolina tried
to use all of her equipment
at once and failed.
Luckily, she had Epsilon
to change tactics and focus on recovery.
- [Wiz] Which brings us to what is perhaps
the most important factor of the fight.
The relationship between Freelancer
and Artificial Intelligence.
The Meta was brainwashed and manipulated
by eight different AI,
effectively filling his head
with an unintelligible mess
of voices and commands.
In contrast, Carolina and Epsilon
work together as partners
with a mutual trust,
both capable of making judgment calls
to make up for each other's weaknesses.
- Whatever, I still say it
should have been the Meta.
- Says the guy who can't
tell the difference
between a car and a Puma.
- I can tell the difference.
It was a matter of comparison.
- [Boomstick] The Meta
just couldn't get ahead
of his competition.
- [Wiz] The winner is Agent Carolina.
- Hey, what in Sam Hell
are you boys doing here?
Fraternizing with a blue devil and a...?
Who the hell are these dirtbags?
- Whoa, easy there sir,
we're just here from Command.
- Hey, nice shotgun.
I like the cut of your jib.
- (laughing) well, what do you know?
Someone who has an eye for
the finer things in life.
- Oh, you better believe it.
- You know, you remind me of someone.
Almost like the son that I never wanted?
- Oh, that's funny.
I was about to say you're
like the papi I never had.
When I was a kid,
he ran out on us to join the
army and never came back.
- Huh, well, how about that?
Time to move along, I
guess, nothing to see here.
(humming)
- What a nice guy.
- [Vic] All right, I got a joke for you.
What's black and white and red all over?
Oh snap, wait, wait,
this joke doesn't make any sense
until you see the next story.
Okay, so I'll just describe it to you then
so you'll get my joke.
It's about another
group of Reds and Blues,
and it's really funny, and...
And you know what,
I'm just gonna keep
working on my material.
(dramatic music)
(playful music)
- [Reg] What I'm trying to say is-
- [Deuce] I don't care
what you're trying to say.
What I'm actually saying is-
- My red-hearted mama always told me
not to trust a dirty Blue,
and I'm sure not gonna start now.
- Quiet!
We've been here for three hours
and we haven't been able
to compromise on anything.
We're no closer to peace
than when we started.
- Well, Hutch, we'd already have peace
if you Reds would all just die
already like decent people.
- Or peacefully surrender.
- After you're all dead.
- (sighs) Wynn, take control of your men.
Need I remind you we're locked in here
and those doors won't open
until we reach an agreement
or we're all dead.
- Whose idea was that anyway?
- Mine! Deal with it!
- Well, looks like we
gotta get to peace making
or we're gonna be in more trouble
than a bull moose in Blood Gulch.
(spits) Oh God, why do I
keep spitting in my helmet?
- This is hopeless,
what are the odds of us
actually reaching peace?
- Statistically insignificant,
my dear naive Squatch.
We are as good as dead.
- Fine by me, the only
good Red is a dead Red.
- A dead Red with bed head.
- And a lead shed.
- He said.
- knock it off, boys, especially you Cobb.
Remember which side you're on here.
- Sorry Hutch, got
caught up in the moment.
No way I'm gonna mistake myself
for a two-faced mud-sucking Blue.
- That's it, we're out of here.
- Deuce, bust open those doors.
- You're leaving over my dead
(lights go out)
(overlapping chattering)
(gunshot bangs)
- Oh my God, there's a murderer in here.
I gotta get out of here.
- Don't even bother Squatch,
those doors aren't opening.
- Reg is correct,
we are not leaving until we
find peace or we're all dead.
- Well, it's obvious who shot Hutch.
It was Wynn.
- Me? But why me?
You're the leader of the Blues.
You benefit the most from his death.
- Nyah, see, my commander
wouldn't hurt a fly.
Unless it was a Red.
Oh wait.
- I believe it was you
who said the only good Red is a dead Red.
- What, you're accusing me now?
You're the one with those
weird-looking shifty eyes.
I mean, look at him.
(suspenseful music)
Nyah, see, he's doing it right now.
- I'm not doing anything, or am I?
(suspenseful music)
- Okay, look people,
we gotta sort this out.
Now, let's try what we
used to do back home
on Alpha Centaur-I-Aye, a
good old-fashioned line up.
- Good idea Cobb.
Everybody stand against that wall.
(suspenseful music)
- Uh, isn't there normally a witness
that identifies the suspect?
- Oh right.
Here's how we're gonna do it,
one by one let's step forward
and say, "I shot Hutch."
You first Cobb.
- All right, I shot Hutch.
(all shouting indiscernibly)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't shoot,
I was just saying what he told me to say.
- This isn't gonna work.
No lineup.
- Everybody say I shot Hutch.
- Oh, great idea Wynn.
- Don't sass me Squatch.
- Any other bright ideas, gentlemen?
- I suppose we could...
Wait a second.
- Well, this doesn't seem right.
- Uh-oh!
- Where's my third Red?
Red's come here, Blues stay there.
- Uh-oh!
- Wait, what is happening here?
- Yeah, hold on, I'm a little confused.
- Look, Blue, will you
just call your man over?
- Uh, yeah.
Hey Squatch, bring our guy over.
- What? Why me?
- What in heaven's name is
taking you people so long?
- Well, you all look the same.
- No we don't, we're Red.
You know, the color of
tomatoes, celery, the ocean-
- Celery is not red, it's blue.
- What are you, stupid?
Celery is purple.
(overlapping argument)
- I don't know what color celery is.
I don't know what color anything is.
Everything just looks gray.
- Do you mean to tell me
that you can't see colors?
Well, neither can I.
- Okay, yeah, cards on the table,
I just see everything in shades of gray.
(indiscernible chattering)
- Wow, amazing.
Well chaps, it appears we
are all extremely colorblind.
- (chuckling) What are the odds of that?
- So you mean, all of
us have been fighting
Blue versus Red this whole time,
and nobody could see color?
- We were always on
opposite sides of the map.
And I always thought those
were random code names
like Delta Squad or Green Team.
- All right, everyone calm down.
Now, we had a way of
settling disputes like this
back on good ol' Cassio-P-I-A!.
- Meh, starts aren't planets.
- Yes they are, big glowing planets.
- Good, yes, fight!
- Wait, who the hell are you?
- Ah, I'm one of you Reds obviously.
- Deuce?
- I mean, us Reds.
Us Reds, yeah, see?
- Deuce, we all know it's you,
you've got a two on your shoulder.
- Ah, but our dear Regina
bears the same symbol.
- Yeah, and I'm clearly Red.
- Yeah, see, that's exactly
what Deuce would say.
- Reg is a girl.
- Damn right I am.
- Deuce, why the hell are you
trying to switch sides anyway?
- Uh, uh, you gotta answer him.
- All right, screw this,
I'm killing them both.
- Yes, excellent.
- What?
- Hey!
(soldiers shouting)
- (gasps) Wait, the guns.
Whoever shot Hutch will
be missing a bullet.
See, full clip, wasn't me!
So who's next?
How about you, Squatch?
(Squatch stuttering in panic)
- Come on Squatch, show us your gun.
- What's wrong, dear Squatch.
Something to hide?
- Fine, it was me, I killed Hutch.
(all gasp)
I didn't mean to, the lights
went out and I panicked.
I get jumpy in the dark.
I swear I didn't mean it.
- Whoa whoa whoa, wait just
a corn-shucking minute.
Now that I think about it,
I heard a shotgun go off.
That ain't a shotgun.
(suspenseful music)
- Well, chaps, it's been
fun, but I'm afraid-
- Wait, it was me.
(suspenseful music)
- Reg?
- You're such an idiot.
- Yeah, see, killing is
all I've ever been good at.
If we had peace,
I just don't know what I'd do.
- Thanks Deuce, but I'm
afraid I've got to come clean.
I shot Hutch, never trusted him.
When the lights went out,
I saw my opportunity to strike.
- What, I'm not lying Wynn.
I shot him too.
- I always envied Hutch's position.
I'd make for a much better leader,
just listen to my accent.
- But then that means-
- We all shot Hutch?
- Yes, except for Reg, it seems.
- (laughing) All right, you got me.
I swapped guns with
Hutch after I shot him.
You see, when I was first stationed here,
Hutch stole my rations
and from that day forward-
- All right, all right,
no one cares to hear your life story.
Well, shucks, we all shot him
at exactly the same time,
and exactly the same place.
- What are the odds of that?
- (laughing) Well, if we're being
completely honest with each other,
I think this is for the best.
I mean, I never really wanted peace.
- Oh, get out of town, I
don't want a truce either.
- Yeah, I was just kind of going along
with what everyone else seemed to want.
- Well, that is just too funny.
- You know, I'm glad we were able
to set our differences aside
and come to a unanimous
peaceful resolution.
(overlapping chatter)
(guns cock)
(gunshots blazing)
- [Narrator] A subsequent autopsy
revealed that Hutch died of a heart attack
immediately after the lights went out.
What a goddamn shame.
- [Vic] Alrighty amigo.
It's time for another
one of Vic's stories.
Now, this time I was
thinking of hitting you all
with the origin of-
- [Caboose] Friendship.
- [Vic] Whoa dude, how
did you get in here?
- [Caboose] I used the door.
- [Vic] You used the door?
To get into this fourth
wall-breaking episode prologue?
You found a door to do that?
- [Caboose] Yep, it next
to the broken window,
by the men's restroom.
- [Vic] I am not even mad.
Color me impressed.
- [Caboose] Thank you.
- [Vic] So did you, did you
have a story or something, dude?
- [Caboose] Oh yep, thank you for asking.
- [Vic] Well, all right blue
amigo, the floor is yours.
(beep)
(playful music)
- [Caboose] Hello, my name is Caboose.
Excuse me, yeah, I said Caboose.
Thank you.
Yeah, so anyway, for a really long time,
I lived in a canyon.
And it was pretty great.
I had friends.
They really liked me.
Yeah, I know what you are thinking.
But, not because I am psychic.
You're thinking, Caboose,
how did you get so good at making friends?
I'd like to make friends too.
We could have sandwiches together.
Well, I will tell you.
But only if you share those sandwiches,
and the damn peanut butter.
(playful music)
First, you need to know
what makes good-friend material.
Cotton is most people's
favorite friend material,
mainly because it is soft.
But in my personal experience,
it catches on fire pretty easy.
(fire crackling)
Other friend materials you
may want to avoid are cactus,
snow, water leftover from
melted snow, spiders, rock,
and imaginary.
Speaking from personal experience,
I really like metal.
(bang)
Metal is pretty much the best
material for making friends
because it is durable.
(shots blaring)
It is really strong.
(bang)
And even if it's a little cold at first,
it eventually warms up.
But now you have to figure out
what kind of friends you want to make.
(drill buzzing)
Sometimes it's good to have a friend
that listens to you when you talk.
Especially when you get to
the part where you saved them
and they called you a
hero, and not a bad name.
Other times it's good to have a friend
that will go on adventures with you.
They can push you outside
of your comfort zone.
(blast)
And you can push them back.
Just remember that being a friend
is sometimes pretty hard work.
You got friends who will
always be there for you
to give you a piggy-back
ride or murder evil soldiers.
But whenever your friends
are having a hard time,
you have to be there for them too.
Yep, friends are pretty great.
But there is nothing better
than having a best friend.
I mean, except for maybe ice cream,
or like a talking horse.
But best friends are the best
because they're the person you
can talk to about anything.
You can spend all your time
with them, tell them secrets.
You know, talk about how Tucker is stupid,
and I mean, he really is just,
he's just awful!
But sometimes, you will lose a friend.
Sometimes even your best friend.
Maybe you grow apart,
maybe you get into a fight,
maybe they're destroyed
in electromagnetic pulse.
These things happen.
It's just a sad, sad, sad,
sad, sad, sad, sad, sad,
sad part of life.
But you know, I think the
very best thing about friends,
Well, the thing most people
forget about anyways,
is that no matter how
many friends you do lose,
you can always make more.
And, that's pretty neat.
(wind whooshing)
- [Vic] Around the end of
their time in Blood Gulch
the Reds and Blues had a run-in
with one bad bro-chacho: the A.I. Omega.
AKA O'Malley, AKA Lord
Satan von Kills-A-Lot.
This duderino had a habit
of infecting people's brains
via their helmet radios,
and making them do all
sorts of evil stuff.
Yeah, I don't get how it works either,
but man, what I wouldn't give
to see what he saw inside of their heads.
If only there was some kind
of short story that was...
(laughing) Yeah!
(playful music)
- Come out so I can
shoot you you fuckstick!
- Where did Caboose go?
- I don't see him.
- Caboose!
- Come out Caboose!
All we wanna do is shoot you.
- Don't listen to them, it's a trick.
- [Tex] This is Freelancer Tex
broadcasting on an open channel.
- [Church] This is Private Church
broadcasting on an open channel.
- Why are the Blues on the radio?
- Who knows?
Hey Blues, shut the fuck up.
Get off our radios and quit
running our batteries down.
(evil laughter)
- Yes, your mind now belongs to me, Tex.
With your body, I shall
exact my diabolical...
Wait a minute.
What's this, are those?
No, no!
This is not the brain I meant to infest.
- Oh my, a guest.
Hello there.
We have a guest,
Grif, you idiot, fetch his coat
and get him a glass of
our finest Irish whiskey.
- (laughing) Do I have to?
I'm just so lazy and gross,
and I'm pretty sure I
disrespect you behind your back.
I just can't prove it yet.
- Don't make me repeat myself.
- Fine.
I don't respect you.
- (sighs) Sorry about that.
- I'm so happy you're here.
Welcome to Chez Simmon.
It's not often I have company.
- I'm leaving.
- What, but you just got
here, you can't leave.
- If you attempt to
hold me against my will,
I shall remove your eyes
from your tiny skull
and replace them with ping pong balls
with similar eyes drawn on them.
- This guy causing you trouble Simmons?
Stand down, Sarge, stand down.
I'm sure it's just a miscommunication.
Nothing to worry about.
- Understood,
but if he gets up to any
funny business, kapow!
- Excuse me.
- Oh Sarge, you're the
best commanding officer
a gentlemen could ask for.
- Well, that just means the
world to me coming from you son.
I don't mean son as a term of endearment
or as a celestial body,
but as a subtle way of telling you
that you're secretly my true offspring,
even though I'll never admit
it in public or to anyone else.
(groans) And here I thought
the blue one was delusional.
- Oh boy, I can't wait to show you around.
I've been planning for this
day for a very long time.
- You planned to have your mind invaded
by artificial intelligence?
- You can never be too careful.
Now first I have some
saved-up extra credit homework
from my 12th grade calculus class.
I figured we could do that together,
then daydream about all the pretty girls
I had a crush on in college.
I remember all of them.
They usually hang out next
to the repressed memories
I have of them rejecting me.
- And where is that?
- You know, I don't remember.
- I will not stand for this torture.
- Ah, not the face.
- Do it now, or I will
kill every last one of you,
and then everyone else here as
well, just to prove a point.
(evil laughter)
Wait a minute, who said that?
Did I say that?
We said it you fool,
I'm in control now. (laughing)
- Whoa, I sound badass.
Make me tell Grif to suck it.
- Suck it you fool, and
what's wrong with your voice?
- Nothing, why does something
have to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Shit! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sarge is gonna kill me.
- I mean, cocksucker, Sir.
- There, happy you dimwit?
- Yep, nailed it asshole.
- Simmons is getting a promotion.
Ow, the back of my lower legs.
Ow, the side of my head,
the back of my face,
the front of my front.
- Hey wait,
Tex is beating us up.
- Tex?
- And give me the controls
back, you're doing it wrong.
Not a chance you paper-skinned nitwit!
Listen to me, you've been walked
all over your entire life.
Aren't you ready to take
charge and change that?
(evil laughter)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am.
I am ready.
- Good, good!
Then trust me, and together
we will rule this galaxy and-
- [Caboose] Church, are we
still talking on the radio?
- Oh, thank God, an exit.
- What, no, come back.
I said I was ready.
No! (sobbing)
- Hey, this is just like
that time with your dad.
- Shut up!
(laughing)
- 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio.
What, what am I doing in this idiot?
Hegagergerk!
- Ah, crap.
Sarge, I need you to do me a favor.
(overlapping argument)
- I am going to kill all of you.
- Ah, it's Tex, run away.
- Hey O'Malley.
- Well, look who it is.
- I don't wanna fight you.
I wanna talk.
- Oh, (laughing)
it appears you're finally
ready to play our little game.
Very well, let's talk Tex.
Assuming of course, no
one will barge in here
and force me out of this...
(groans) I can't help but feel
I set myself up for that one.
- Gentlemen and gentlemen,
please welcome the man of the hour,
Franklin Delano Donut.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
Thank you, thank you,
the pleasure is all mine.
- Oh, dear God, please tell
me I'm not where I think I am.
- Well, hey there Omega,
welcome to my lightish-red head.
- Do not ever call it that again.
- You got it, buddy.
The cool kids all call
it the Donut Hole anyway.
- Then my first order of business
will be murdering the cool kids.
(laughing)
- No, it's my body, it's my choice.
And another thing, why do I
do as much work as you guys,
but I only make 92%...
- Blast, where the devil am I now?
- Freeze, dirtbag.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- All right soldier, I want
rank and name on the pronto,
we've got a war to win.
- [Caboose] Alas, I have tripped!
- The Blues are scheming,
there's an evil AI on the loose,
and senility keeps trying
to overtake the hippocampus.
- And who are they?
(overlapping argument)
- Stress relief.
(weapon blasts)
- Well, I...
(weapon blats)
I'm really growing rather tired of this.
- 'Sup!
- What, no characteristic decorations,
no comedic interpretations.
- Eh, who's got time for that?
- You smell, and you're gross
and no one likes you
and everyone likes me.
Get back here you little shit.
- We're here, is anyone hurt?
- Anyone need to be
killed? (evil laughter)
- I know that laugh, nobody move.
- Ah, that's it!
I can't take anymore.
(growling)
Wait a minute.
This place, it feels familiar.
What is this?
(suspenseful music)
- Hey, so I guess you're
here to take over my brain.
- Wait, you're not going to oppose me?
- Look man, I've been running this mess
all by myself for years.
If you really want a
piece of this bullshit,
then by all means.
I really cannot be bothered
to care at this point.
- Yes, yes!
This is it!
Finally, I have never felt more at home.
I've never felt more alive.
This is it.
This is the beginning of the end for all.
Nothing can stop us now!
Yes, nothing can stop us!
Ah fuck.
(wind whooshing)
- [Vic] So, remember
when everybody thought
Church died and became a ghost, right?
Well, turns out he was
actually an AI program.
Spoiler alert!
Anyway, he eventually transferred
himself into a memory unit
with the hope of reuniting
with his ex-girlfriend Tex,
who was also a computer
person thing it turns out.
Yeah, love is complicated
like that I guess.
Anyway, Church tried to
relive his own memories
over and over again,
just hoping that one
day he would find Tex,
and they'd be together and
live happily ever after.
Only problem is,
sometimes he didn't exactly
remember everything right.
Second spoiler alert.
- Church, hey Church.
Church!
- Huh, what?
- I said, we could blow
up the whole goddamn world
with this thing.
- What, are you talking about Sheila?
- Who?
- The tank.
Oh wait right, that doesn't
happen till later, sorry.
- You named the tank Sheila?
- I, you know, yeah, yeah.
I mean she just kind of looks
like a Sheila to me, you know.
So, what were you saying?
- You know what, forget what I said.
We can definitely pick
up chicks in this thing.
Probably two or three chicks a piece.
- Oh man, listen to you.
What are you gonna do with two chicks?
- Church, like I've always said,
women are like Voltron.
The more you hook up, the better it gets.
And what chicks are we
gonna pick up exactly?
- What are you, the rookie?
We've got a whole base full of them
right here in the canyon.
- Yeah, but that's...
I'm sorry, what?
- [Caboose] Hey, I just
wanted to let you know,
the General stopped by
and picked up the flag.
Also, I think she likes me.
- What?
- Yeah, okay, whatever moron.
- Seriously dude, what's with this guy?
- I gotta go check on something.
(suspenseful music)
All right, don't panic, just think.
You're reliving your memories,
you're here to find Tex.
As long as you didn't
misremember anything,
you should be good.
Tucker's fine, Caboose is,
you know the way he is,
Canyon seems to be intact,
that means the only thing
I could have possibly gotten wrong is-
- Freeze, dirtbag!
- Well, shit!
Oh dear God in heaven, no.
- Stow it Blue.
Thought you could sneak
up on our base, did you?
Well, you gotta get up
pretty early in the morning
to pull one over on the Red Team,
and sunshine, it looks like you overslept.
- Sarge, is that you?
- Yes, I can surmise
being so swiftly out-maneuvered
by your enemy must be-
- This is so wrong.
This is so fucking wrong.
- Hey, do not interrupt
me while I'm berating you.
Now, hurry up and come with me.
You're my prisoner, blue boy.
Think I'm just gonna
let an enemy combatant
wander around out here
without taking action?
- Well, you know, never made
a big deal about it before.
(smack)
Oh, please tell me that was
the world's worst fever dream.
- [Simmons] The prisoner's awake ma'am.
- Ah, I need mental bleach,
or just regular bleach.
I don't wanna live in this world.
- Thanks for the sit-rep Private Simmons.
How are upgrades on the
defense network coming along?
- Almost finished, ma'am.
Just waiting on Grif to
calibrate the power couplings.
- Where am I?
What is with all that noise?
- Renovations to the base, of course.
What did you think,
we were just standing
around all day over here,
yammering about the mysteries of life?
We've got a war to win
son, and I intend to-
- This is Red base?
It's freaking huge.
(smack)
Ow!
- Simmons, if he interrupts me
again, shoot him in the lap.
- Yes ma'am.
- Oh.
- Yep, good old Blood
Gulch Outpost number one.
Seemed like it needed a
little something extra is all.
So we excavated new sub-levels,
set up perimeter defenses,
added a state-of-the-art
entertainment facility,
planted an herb garden,
installed a jacuzzi.
- Don't forget about the
new showerhead ma'am.
- Good point Simmons.
That is a damn fine showerhead,
with multiple pulse settings.
- Where'd you find time to do all of this?
Where'd it come from?
- Oh, not too long.
When did we get started Simmons?
- Uh, last week, ma'am.
- Hmm, seemed longer.
As for the supplies,
we just put in a requisition with Command.
- Wait, you mean we could have,
all we had to do was,
we just had to ask?
- Hey what's with all the shouting?
I'm trying to get some
beauty rest up here.
- Yeah, like rest is gonna fix that face.
- Oh God, just put a bullet in my head.
- Private Grif,
you're supposed to be
calibrating the power couplings.
- I know, that's why I told Donut to do it
once she got back with
the headlight fluid.
Delegation, bitch.
- I'm back, no headlight fluid.
But I got a flag thing,
it's in the dining room.
- The dining room?
Donut, don't you know anything
about interior decorating?
That cerulean flag is gonna clash
with everything in this base.
- Ma'am, who cares about decorating?
If it were up to me,
I'd get down on my hands and knees,
and I'd tear up all the
carpet in this base.
What's with the blue guy?
- I'm just, I know what I
should've expected from you.
I was just not ready for it.
- Hello, anybody home?
Damn, this place was a
lot bigger on the inside.
- Grif apprehend those enemy combatants.
- Uh, freeze?
- Hi Church.
- Tucker, Caboose,
the hell kind of rescue operation is this?
- Man, I'm not here for
you, I'm here for them.
- What?
- Hey baby, I've never been
with a plus-size girl before,
and I bet you've never hooked up
in an armored military tank.
How about we scratch a few things off our-
(blast interrupts speaker)
Ow, my lap.
- Plus-size my fat ass.
Oh, right.
- Bow chicka ow ow!
- Excellent work Private Grif.
We may make a respectable
soldier out of you yet.
- Well Sarge, it looks as though
we've successfully captured
the entire Blue Army.
- Indeed it does Simmons.
Radio Command immediately and
inform them of the good news.
- Yes ma'am.
And might I compliment you
on your decisive victory?
- You might.
(playful music)
- So what happens to us?
- Good question, dirtbag.
Ladies, let us discuss the terms
of the Blue Army's surrender.
Lopez! Lopez! Keep an eye on them.
- Si, senorita.
- This cannot possibly get- (blast)
(gunshots blaring)
(smack)
Tex?
Tex, oh my God!
Tex, you're here.
- Well, this seems to be
where all the action is.
- Tex, what's up with your voice filter?
- What voice filter?
- Uh, let me think
about this for a second.
Yeah, I'm cool with it but I'm out.
- [Tucker] Hey Church.
Church, Church!
- Huh, what?
- I was saying, how about you and me
go for a ride in this tank?
I can show you the cannon.
- Tucker, what the fuck is wrong with...
What the fuck is wrong with?
Oh, come on!
- [Vic] You ever have a
song stuck in your head?
Yeah, me too.
Over 5,000, to be exact.
Agent Florida downloaded
his entire music library
to my hard drives before kicking
the aspirin-filled bucket.
Dude was really big into Barenaked Ladies.
But for me, my heart
goes out to the classics:
hip hop, tejano folk
fusion, and musical theater.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You ever wonder why we're here ♪
♪ It's one of life's mysteries ♪
♪ Why are we standing here ♪
♪ Is there a plan ♪
♪ Is there a God ♪
- What?
No, I mean, why are we out here, singing?
♪ To kill them dirty Blues, ♪
♪ jazz hands. ♪
- Oh, Sarge, we didn't see you there.
- Boys, I've got some news
that's gonna blow your minds.
And those was dirty Blues
into teeny tinny pieces.
- I can hardly contain myself.
- We've just received
a new shipment of weaponry from Command
that fills my heart with
some sort of new emotion
I've never felt before.
It makes me feel warm and want to smile.
- Um, Sir, I think
that's called happiness.
- It's disgusting.
- So what the hell is it?
- Ladies, allow me to introduce you to,
the M41 surface-to-surface
rocket medium anti-vehicle assault weapon
But I like to call it The Spanker.
- The Spanker?
Why the hell would you call it that?
- I'm glad you asked.
♪ Well these letters on the side here ♪
♪ The big SPNKR ♪
♪ Stand for Sayonara,
See ya later, Au revoir ♪
♪ See the Blues have had it coming ♪
♪ With the fancy ghosts and tanks ♪
♪ But with this gun our battle's won ♪
♪ 'cause it don't just kill, it spanks ♪
♪ Ooh, Sarge that name
sounds really stupid ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Yeah, it's really not that great ♪
♪ Simmons ♪
♪ Oh come one, I kind of like that one ♪
♪ This is not up for debate ♪
♪ Well, if we put our heads together ♪
♪ We can find the perfect name. ♪
♪ Oh, can I go first by
head's fit to burst ♪
♪ Oh God, this is so lame ♪
♪ It's an RPG, a master key ♪
♪ A projectile wrecking ball ♪
♪ A big surprise, a little friend ♪
♪ Old Betsy and the law ♪
♪ This lazy boy, is my favorite toy ♪
♪ I'll tell you fellas why ♪
♪ You lock your load ♪
♪ It shoots, explodes ♪
♪ And you blow them Blues sky high ♪
- Yeah, no those all suck.
- Well, what would you suggest Grif?
- Something cool, like The Equalizer.
- The Equalizer?
- What, you got any better ideas?
- I do.
- No one cares.
♪ Now based on the range of impact ♪
♪ I'd call it Simmons' Blaster. ♪
♪ Why not Blue-Be-Gone, or Air Torpedo ♪
♪ Or why not Ass Disaster? ♪
♪ Those names are total garbage. ♪
♪ Oh right, as if you'd know ♪
♪ How about AT4, or Gjallahorn? ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ It's a BFG, Blues' Destiny,
Heat seeking dead mans bomb ♪
♪ Where death begins and their life ends ♪
♪ It's a hand held breath of god ♪
♪ Call it what you will ♪
♪ We gotta her set to kill, ♪
♪ Time to paint this canyon red ♪
♪ 'Cause this nuke tube,
Jack hammer, compensator ♪
♪ Gut slammer, Pez dispenser, boom stick ♪
♪ Chupa-Thingy, huge prick, ♪
♪ Iron Churro Assembled Gun,
Heavy Metal Big Bazooka! ♪
♪ Means the no-good Blues are dead ♪
- But, I mean, why can't we just call it
The Rocket Launcher?
- Because nothing rhymes with launcher.
- [Grif] Well.
- Now, come on,
we've got a whole crate
full of these babies.
It's time to devise our plan of attack.
- Oh, that is just great.
- What is it?
- What is it?
- Didn't you just see the
song and dance number?
- No, I can't see shit from up here.
- The Reds got a bunch of rocket launchers
and they're gonna attack Blue base.
- Oh, I've got an idea.
- You do?
- Yeah, how about you let me
use the goddamn sniper rifle
so I don't always have to
ask you to explain shit.
(Church sighs)
(bright music)
♪ Another day I'm stuck here ♪
♪ Another day goes by ♪
♪ Another day I ask myself ♪
♪ Why to I even try? ♪
♪ The shitheads all around me ♪
♪ They poke and prod and pry ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that I'd just ♪
♪ die ♪
- Oh, come on Church,
your life's not that bad.
- Yeah, plus, you already died once.
- And whose fault was that Caboose?
- Tucker did it.
- Sheila did it.
- I would rather not get involved in this.
- All of you shut up, you
wanna know about my life,
I'll tell you.
♪ My nine to five is filled with misery ♪
♪ My girlfriend's always
such a bitch to me ♪
♪ I think my death counts pushing three ♪
♪ I just don't get how
this is hard to see ♪
♪ And as I lie awake at night ♪
♪ I just want to die ♪
♪ Oh please, you're overly dramatic ♪
♪ You're clearly asymptomatic ♪
♪ Your life is hardly that traumatic ♪
♪ But your girlfriend is half aquatic ♪
♪ You know I think I changed my mind ♪
♪ I wish you'd all die ♪
- Come on buddy, you've got
a good thing going for ya!
- Is that any way to talk to your team?
- Yeah, or your girlfriend?
(overlapping talk)
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Just shut the fuck up!
♪ Living here's not going well ♪
♪ This canyon's my detention cell! ♪
♪ I feel the need to scream and yell ♪
♪ I wish that you'd all burn in hell ♪
Oh, oh and it gets worse
I have been to jury duty 37 times
I always get the middle seat on flights.
Last year, no one wished
me a happy birthday
Fuck all of you.
Fuck everyone.
And fuck this fucking song.
- Uh, hey Church.
- What?
- The Reds are here.
- [Sarge] Attention Blue Team,
prepare for your inevitable demise.
- Yep, okay.
- Uh, stauncher, uh, sponsor.
- Sponsor doesn't rhyme with launcher.
- Dude, just roll with me on this okay,
I refuse to call these things-
- Men, prepare to fire,
your Name-Pending-Approval devices.
- Just call them fucking rocket launchers.
- Okay Church, what's the plan here?
- At this point, I'm just thinking
about letting them kill us all.
- You have got to be kidding.
- I'm really, truly not.
- Ready, aim-
- Church!
- Okay, I've got it.
- What?
- I'm definitely gonna let them shoot us.
- Fire!
(weapons clicking)
- Uh, Sarge.
- Yes Private Donut.
- Do these rocket launchers
feel a little light to you?
- Well, I just assumed
it was because I'm in
peak physical condition.
- Oh God, you've gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Holy shit, they don't have any ammo.
- Goddamn it.
- Why would Command
send us rocket launchers
with no rockets?
- Who is running this army?
- All right men, initiate plan B.
Let's bludgeon them to death!
- Bring it on, dead man.
(Sarge shouting)
- Wait, wait!
Sarge, why go with plan B
when we can go with plan D?
- What the hell is that, Plan Donut?
- Nope, the D stands for dance.
(upbeat music)
- Uh, what is happening right now?
- I don't know, I just
know that I hate it.
- Where is that music coming from?
- Come on everybody, let's shake it out.
- Well all right, a peaceful resolution.
- Set cannon to funk.
- Tucker, what the hell are you doing?
- I can't help it,
something's taking over.
- Oh yeah, move those treads.
♪ Everybody do-do the Chupacabra ♪
- Boosting initiated.
(Sheila singing)
- What the fuck is happening right now?
(music continues)
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do the Chupa! ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-ah-ah do the Chupa! ♪
♪ Do the chup-do the
chup-do the chup-do the- ♪
- Donut!
♪ Do the Chupa ♪
Donut!
- Huh?
- What the hell was that?
- I was telling the story of Blood Gulch.
- What kind of messed
up world do you live in?
- I don't know, but I think
he captured me pretty well.
- Donut, none of that shit ever happened.
- Well, maybe not in your version.
I decided to spice things up.
Add a little pizzazz.
The original version was so boring.
All we ever did was stand around and talk.
(clears throat)
- Yes, so did you actually have
song and dance numbers or...?
- (sighs) Let's take it from the top?
- [All] No.
- [Vic] All right dudes,
I gotta admit something
We're a few stories in now
and I've had to drain the old
hose since about episode two,
if you catch my drift.
Gotta make it my number one priority,
you know what I'm saying?
Been making a point to hydrate,
now I'm paying the price in
gold, if you're following me.
I'm saying I gotta pee.
Now, don't ask how a computer
program takes a leak.
Just watch these guys mess
around with some science stuff
while I'm gone.
(playful music)
(car engine roaring)
(upbeat music)
- Slow down, what's the hurry?
- I can't slow down, there's no time.
- Grif, I want an explanation
for this reckless driving assumption!
Why is the steering wheel on
the wrong side of the car?
- Wait, you mean you don't
know where we're going either?
- I merely assumed a bomb
had been planted inside the Warthog,
and it said explosive would detonate
if we dropped below 50 miles per hour.
Made sense to me and Lopez.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Will all of you shut up?
I'm trying to focus.
Focus on what?
Where are you taking us?
- [Caboose] Hi! Yeah, hey, uh, Red guys?
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know
that the power is still out at your base
and your ice cream is
getting pretty melty.
- No!
(car engine roaring)
- Ice cream, you're driving like a lunatic
to get some fucking ice cream?
- It's not just ice cream,
it's Rocky Road, Simmons.
- If Red Base doesn't have power,
that mean's we're completely defenseless.
Step on it dirtbag.
- What about Donut?
- Oh good, I sent him to the store
get me some parts to fix the
Warthog's power steering.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Speaking of rocky road, um...
- Grif, we're gonna crash, do something.
I don't know what to do,
the steering's not working.
- And this car bomb could
go off at any second.
(speaking in foreign language)
- All in favor of abandoning ship say aye.
- Aye!
- Tuck and roll Lopez!
(speaking in foreign language)
(Warthog crashing)
(playful music)
- Oh, dang-nabit!
- Welcome to a very special
Red versus Blue Immersion.
We've come out here to our
Rooster Teeth test canyon,
to run an experiment with
one of the most iconic,
and beloved video game
vehicles of all time,
the Halo Warthog.
Now, if you've ever played
the game Halo before,
the players can often drive the Jeep
in such a way that it ends up on its roof.
To get it back on its wheels,
all the player needs to
do is press a button,
and it'll turn itself over
in less than three seconds.
As you can see behind me,
we have placed a real life Warthog,
very delicately on its roof,
and we're gonna find out
what it takes to flip
a Warthog in real life.
And to help me conduct this experiment,
I have recruited a very special
lab-rat, Mr. Miles Luna.
- You know, I can't help but feel
like I was a little more
forced than recruited.
- Well, forcing is a very important part
of the Immersion
recruitment process Miles,
you should know that by now.
- Yeah.
- So would you say that you are familiar
with the Halo franchise?
- I would say that I am mildly
to moderately familiar with Halo.
- Okay, well then I'm sure
you've seen this scenario before then.
- Oh yeah, a thousand times.
- Okay, how would you
handle this in the game?
- Well, I'd just walk up to it,
hit that little (clicks) X button,
and we'd be right as rain.
- All right, well, since we
can't do that in real life,
our control today, and every
good experiment has a control,
is that Miles is gonna attempt
to flip the Warthog back over
using just his brute strength.
- Just me?
- Just you.
- Really?
- Yep.
- And we think that might work?
- Oh yeah.
- We're gonna through
that whole song and dance.
"Oh, he might do it, who knows?"
- What do I care, I'm not
the one wearing the armor.
I'm gonna go work on my tan.
- Great.
- All right Miles, you ready?
I want you to flip it in three, two,
I don't know why I'm timing this.
Just flip it, go!
(playful music)
Miles lift with your back,
not with your legs, come on.
- Who's your daddy?
Goddamn it!
Spartans never die, they're
just missing in action,
or on their back.
Get in with the hips.
Be forceful with it, just be forceful.
Don't be afraid.
There you go, good hustle.
- All right, well, that's
disappointing but predictable.
All right, come over here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Get in here.
But clearly that didn't go very well.
- What did you expect?
- Well, I don't know,
I thought maybe you'd flip it over.
You'd get hurt and that'd
be funny or something.
I thought you've been working out,
what happened with that?
- Well, not enough to lift two tons.
- All right, well, clearly
since one person cannot
flip the Warthog on his own,
we don't wanna give up, what
would be the fun in that?
Why don't we head back into the shop
and figure out what it's gonna take
to flip this bad boy over?
We've come out to the
Rooster Teeth Workshop
to show you exactly how we're
gonna get this enormous beast
back on its wheels.
And in order for us to do that,
we brought in our newest
scientist, Mr. Marcus LaPorte,
Marcus, what are our challenges
in getting this bad
boy back on its wheels?
- Okay, well, first and foremost,
we had to make this thing structural.
When we first got it, it
was really more decorative.
(upbeat rock music)
First, the Rooster Teeth effects team
will use steel plates to
reinforce the truck frame
so the Warthog can
actually sit upside down,
essentially creating a roll cage.
We will also weld large metal rings
to the body of the truck,
which will then be connected
by cable to a pneumatic ram.
The pneumatic ram will
use compressed nitrogen
to pull our vehicle back onto its wheels.
- In Halo, players flip the
Warthog in mere seconds.
To do that in real life,
we'll require between 1,000 and 1,500 PSI.
That's more than 37,000 pounds of force.
(bright music)
Okay, so if this goes, according to plan,
we should go from this, to that.
- You know, I get it.
- I know, I just wanted
to show you the model.
So Marcus, how are we
gonna set this thing off?
- All right, so here it is.
- Oh, we have an X button, that's awesome.
- Why does he get an X button?
- Because on the scientist,
what do you care?
- All right, I'm afraid to touch it.
So I hit this, and then
that Warthog flips?
- [Marcus] That's what we're hoping for.
- All right, let's count it down.
Three, two, one.
- Oh, shit!
(Burnie laughing)
- Hey, congratulations, that was awesome.
- That was fucking good.
- Wow,
that works a lot better
than you did Miles,
no offense.
- Thanks.
No, yeah, thank you.
- Well, since Miles obviously
could not flip it over on
his own, but science could,
our winner for today
is science, and Marcus.
- What do I get?
- You get to keep a suit of armor,
you get to wear it home.
(birds chirping)
- Jesus, could you guys
have taken any longer?
There's gonna be nothing left at the base
but ice cream soup,
which, I guess I'm actually okay with
when I say it out loud.
- You're fucking disgusting.
- Well, I never thought I'd say this,
but that was the best damn
episode of Red vs Blue
I've ever seen.
The only thing that could
possibly make it better,
would be a larger than life,
completely unnecessary
gratuitous explosion.
- Yeah, but there's no real
need for anything to explode.
It'd just be like shoehorning it in
for a spectacle at this point.
Well, what about that bomb in the Jeep?
(speaking in foreign language)
(bomb blasts)
- Huh, guess there was a bomb in the Jeep.
- Told you.
(speaking in foreign language)
- [Vic] Now, there was an
indiscriminate amount of time
between Tex and Junior
disappearing from Blood Gulch,
and then the gang getting split up
and reassigned by Project Freelancer.
You all remember that?
It was a strange time,
a time when the Reds and Blues
had become familiar with one another,
but were technically still at war,
but were simultaneously no
longer really giving a damn,
but were also not really
fond of one another.
Like I said, it was a strange time.
And strange things happen
when you're stuck in a canyon
with your worst friends/enemy/robot
companion/siblings.
Man, what a bunch of weirdos.
- [Tucker] Tight.
- Hey, the fuck are you
doing to our base, blue?
- Oh, hey guys,
I was just putting up some
flyers for my thing tonight.
I'm hosting a-
- Movie night, we figured it out.
- Awesome, well, I'm
keeping the film a secret,
but I can give you guys some hints.
It's a kick-ass crime caper
made by the most badass
filmmaker of all time.
- Come on Tucker, we
know it's Reservoir Dogs.
It's all ways Reservoir Dogs.
- I'm so sick of that movie.
- You can't get sick of
Reservoir Dogs, it's impossible.
It's the perfect movie.
Kick-ass dialogue,
kick-ass characters, Kick-ass ass kicking.
- Whoa, yeah, that sounds great, Tucker.
But we actually have
plans tonight for once.
- Yeah, Sarge says he's gonna make Grif
finish that squat, he started in basic.
On second thought, we'll be there.
(bright music)
- All right everyone,
remember we're calling
sanctuary, so no fighting.
- Well, I thought you could
only call sanctuary in a church.
- Yeah, huh, What do you want?
- This is a church, a cinema,
so grab some popcorn and shut up.
- Ooh, we have popcorn?
- Oh, no, not really.
Gentlemen, I've had your curiosity,
now I'd like your attention.
(speaking in foreign language)
A little background on our film tonight.
Before Quentin Tarantino
went on to dazzle audiences
with Kill Bill, Inglorious
Basterds and Pulp Fiction,
he made his first mark
on the cinematic world
with this stunning debut film,
a little movie I like
to call Reservoir Dogs.
- Hey Tucker, I was just
thinking, I've got an idea here.
What if we watched
literally anything else?
- Why would you wanna watch anything else?
- Firstly, because this
movie is older than Sarge.
- Yeah, and old things are totally gross.
- Hey, I'm not that old you
snot-gobbling whippersnapper.
Get off my lawn.
- I didn't know there
was a lawn here, sorry.
- Don't you guys get it?
It's still the only movie we have
in this godforsaken canyon.
It's got us by the balls.
- Great point,
so unless someone's hiding
Netflix in their armor-
- Lopez just left.
- You'll have to settle
for watching the greatest
film of all time again.
Caboose, the tape.
- Already set up!
- Oh, I don't think that's
gonna work, Caboose.
Why don't we just take the tape
out and play it in the VCR?
- I vote we try it, this
could definitely work.
- Seconded.
- Okay, get the light.
- No, Caboose wait!
(fire crackling)
- It broke, that is weird,
I don't know how that would happen.
- So since that thing is on fire,
should I still get the lights?
(playful music)
- Yo, Reds, anybody here?
- No, we packed up and left.
- Cut the crap, we
gotta talk about Tucker.
- Tucker?
Don't tell me he's still
upset about movie night.
- He's done nothing but sit in his room
and listen to Stuck in the
Middle With You on repeat.
- It could be worse.
- He's been doing it for almost six days.
That's like two weeks and Tucker time.
Yeah, so listen,
I feel somewhat responsible
for what happened,
and I would like to try to
make it up to him if I can.
Also, I gotta admit,
I'm about two songs away
from just covering myself in
gasoline and ending it all.
Are you guys gonna help me or what?
- What, out of the goodness of our hearts?
- Or boredom, what else are you gonna do?
- We're in.
- Hold on there Blue,
we're not agreeing to anything
just because we may lay down our arms
for a weekly movie night,
doesn't mean we're going to-
- You can play the lead.
- I'll get you my headshots.
(bright music)
- All right, now, for our remake,
we're all gonna be playing characters
from the movie Reservoir Dogs.
I figured we can make
just like a sizzle-reel
trailer, kind of a thing.
And just let Tucker direct the rest.
Otherwise we're all just
gonna have to listen to him
bitch about how we did it wrong.
Here are your character... (coughs)
I've got something in my throat.
Here are your characters.
Mr. Brown,
Mr. Blonde,
Mr. Blue,
Mr. Orange,
Mr. Black,
Mr. Pink, and I'm Mr. White.
- Wait, why am I Mr. Pink?
- Are you seriously asking that question?
- It's lightish-red,
I've told you guys a thousand times.
Who cares what character you play?
- That's easy for you to say.
You're Mr. White, you
have a cool sounding name.
Why can't we pick our characters?
(speaking in foreign language)
- If we pick our characters,
we're all gonna be fighting
over who gets to be Mr. Black.
- Thank God, Tex isn't here.
- Hey, how would you like to be
Mr. Has-a-fucking-hole-in-his-head,
and I'm not talking about your mouth.
I'm like talking about like
another hole in your head.
A new hole, I'm gonna shoot you.
You understand?
- I mean, it's a little wordy.
- Mr. Pink sound like a pansy.
Tell you what, how about I be Mr. Purple?
That sounds good to me.
- You're not Mr. Purple,
there's no Mr. Purple in the movie.
- We can change the movie.
I never liked how everyone
dies at the end anyway.
- Oh, come on, spoiler alert, somebody.
- How is that a spoiler?
We've watched that movie
together 10,000 times.
- Usually after the gunfire
I fall right to sleep.
- Hey Taran-terrible,
why the fuck am I not Mr. Blonde?
- Because you're a girl,
and also you're not blonde.
- Not on my head.
- That doesn't even...
Wait, what?
- Sister, there's no
girls in Reservoir Dogs,
go back to base.
- What about the all-female
remake they made,
You know, the terrible one?
- Reservoir Bitches, it was terrible.
- Fine, enjoy being sexist,
I'll go make my own movie.
And I'll only have girls.
Then we'll see who's sexist.
And where are you gonna get girls
to help you make an impromptu movie?
- I've done it before,
they didn't even care about the nudity
because women are professionals.
- Please do not tell anyone
else the things you just said.
- [Sister] I hate you!
You're just like mom and dad.
- [Grif] Ugh, I am shot.
- Hey, you cut that shit right now.
You're hurt, you're hurt real fucking bad
but you ain't dying.
Okay, trust me, I know
what that feels like.
- Ah, that heist, it went so bad.
And now I have been shot.
I am going to die, I know it.
- That heist went bad,
but you're not gonna die.
I'm, uh, line?
- [Simmons] I'm going to get you help.
- Right, I'm gonna get you help.
- [Grif] Herk.
- No, don't you herk
bleagh on me, you hold on.
- [Caboose] From the visionary brain
of Quentin Tar, tar, rantula.
In a movie where some people
like wearing the same clothes
and have colors for their names
decide to have a robbery heist
and also secretly, spoiler alert,
one of them is a cop.
I think one of us is secretly a cop.
- There is violence, and
guns, and shooting, and stuff.
- Bang pew, pew, bang.
- Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
- Oh no, according to the
script, I've been shot.
- Who the fuck gave him actual gasoline?
- I'm a method actor.
- Vagina power, down with
the men, suck my lady dick.
End women's suffrage,
we've suffered long enough.
- So yeah, it's still a rough cut.
- Dude, that was awesome.
- Oh, thank God.
So does this mean we get
to make the rest of it now?
As Quentin Tarantino would say,
let me suck on that bitch's toes.
- Ah-huh, I knew there
was a girl in the movie.
- Hey, you know what I was thinking?
What if we turned that
camera around on us?
Made a little documentary
about Blood Gulch,
and all our hanging out.
You know, slice of life kind of stuff.
- What kind of brain-dead lunatic
would watch something like that?
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- [Vic] Project Freelancer,
a military splinter organization
designed with one goal and one goal only,
create the greatest soldiers
the galaxy has ever seen.
But if you really wanna
find who's the best,
well, that means you gotta
sort through the worst.
(bright music)
- Oh yeah, oh yeah, Project Freelancer.
You made it baby, you made it,
you are finally with the best,
you are finally with the best of the best,
you are the best, you're the best around.
Oh yeah, baby, you are the best around.
Nothing's ever gonna bring you down.
- Hi Ohio!
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Iowa.
You don't have to yell.
- Sometimes I forget.
Sometimes I forget how to
talk with these helmets on.
- You just talk.
You don't have to do anything different.
- Come on, lay off Ohio.
You know he hasn't been the same
since the training incident.
It wasn't a big deal,
your suit stopped feeding you oxygen.
- I was fine.
- For 20 minutes?
- But I got the best record
for holding my breath.
- Congratulations, you're
real Freelancer material.
- Oh, Iowa, I got a new one for you.
- Tell me.
- Dungeons and Dragons,
five things you don't wanna
make saving throws against, go.
- Ooh, nice, okay.
Poison.
- One.
- A fireball.
- Two.
- A poisoned fireball.
That's not a thing.
- It could be.
- Fine, I'll give it to you, three.
- A Super Saiyan.
- (makes buzzer noise) Never
gonna happen in my campaign.
- I'm just saying it's not something
I would wanna make a savings throw against
because if Super Saiyan Goku comes up
it means I'm not playing with you anymore,
and that would make me sad.
- Oh, that's sweet, point conceded, four.
- An avalanche.
- Five.
- Oh, will you guys just knock it off
with five things for once?
See this, this,
this is exactly why we never
get mission assignments.
- Who crapped in your
Cheerios this morning?
You usually love that game.
- I do not love that game.
I just play it when I'm bored.
- Which is all the time.
- Because we never get
mission assignments.
- You don't have to yell
when you're wearing the helmet, Ohio.
- You know what, bite me corndog.
- Oh, I get it,
this is because of the
new rankings, isn't it?
- (strained noise)
Probably, I don't know, yes.
(sighs) I mean, I just thought,
I just thought maybe
this would be the time
we wouldn't be dead last.
You know, the time where we
actually get to do something,.
I need an objective guys, a purpose.
Anything's better than
sitting around this ship
hoping we'll get noticed.
- We do things, we get noticed.
- Yeah, everyone was
talking about me last week.
- That's because you
demolished 12 Mongooses,
wait, Mongeese?
Mon, whatever.
12, in the last training session alone.
(Mongooses crashing)
- I'm not a very strong driver.
- Stop shouting!
- Sorry.
- Uh-oh, single digits incoming.
- Oh my God, they are just too cool.
- [Iowa] Hey, look whose with them.
Can you believe Wash and C.T.
got called up to the top group?
- Do you think they'll
still eat lunch with us?
- Well, well, well, if
it isn't the triplets.
- Here we go.
- Yo, what'd you say Sputnik.
- Oh, he was just saying
that you guys are so great, Georgia.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah, I mean, you are
like total role models for us.
And maybe if we work hard then
maybe we'll get called up,
like David and Connie one da...
I mean, Wash and C.T., yeah.
- Sure, good luck with
that kid. (laughing)
- Oh, five meats that you
think wouldn't be delicious
but are totally delicious, go.
- Iowa!
- Beef's tongue.
- One.
- Guys, stop being idiots.
- What the hell are you guys doing?
- Pork cheek, the face,
the face meat of the pig.
- Two.
- No guys, shut up,
you are embarrassing yourselves!
- No, we're not.
- Yeah Ohio, we're totally cool, spider!
(gunshots blazing)
I got him.
- Okay, we're gonna go now.
- Yeah, some of us have
actual missions to train for.
- Have fun cleaning our gear
when we're done, triplets.
- Christ, they were weird.
- Oh my God, I am so mortified, you guys.
- Don't worry about it.
- How come those guys
always call us the triplets?
We aren't related or anything.
- They can be kind of mean.
They're just under a lot of pressure.
Try not to take it personally.
- But you guys are fine, right?
I mean we're all okay, right?
- Of course, we're friends.
Just don't call me David, okay?
This unit takes that kind
of stuff pretty seriously.
- You got it boss.
- Wash, we should get going.
We don't wanna be late.
- See you at lunch.
- Yeah, sure.
- Well, that went pretty well.
- Five things you'd wanna have for lunch.
- Food.
- One.
- Guys, stop!
- Can't you be serious
for once in your life?
I mean, you saw how they treated us.
Even our friends.
- C.T.'s still got our backs,
but yeah, I see what you mean.
Pretty sure we've lost Wash.
- Well, I still think
that guy's pretty cool.
- (scoffs) Cool.
Come on, they're not the
only one with training ops.
They want cool, let's show them cool.
- [Announcer] Training session
begin in three, two, one.
(upbeat music)
(gunshots blaring)
(shouting indistinctly)
(soldier groaning)
- Where was this thingy?
(upbeat music)
- This is so not cool.
- Could you not stand so close to me?
(upbeat music)
(gunshots blazing)
(engine roaring)
(Mongoose explodes)
- Oh man!
Five things you'd rather be doing, go.
- Anything.
- One.
- Something else.
- Two.
- Not this.
- Three.
- Contemplating the futility
of existence in a coffee shop.
- Four.
- Seems like your heart's
not really in this O.
- Your mom.
- Ooh snap, that's our girl.
(playful music)
- Yay, it's assignment day.
Iowa, for fuck's sake,
why did you have to crash that Mongoose?
- I technically didn't have to.
It was more like, why did the Mongoose
wanna crash me into the wall?
- [Idaho] That's not how driving works.
- [Iowa] Apparently not.
- [Ohio] Oh, we are never
gonna get noticed around here.
(doors closing)
- [Counselor] Agent's
Ohio, Idaho, and Iowa.
I am so glad we were able
to find the time to
talk to you in private.
While the rest of the freelancers
are receiving their weekly duties,
the Director has a special
assignment for you.
- You were saying?
- For us? Really?
- [Counselor] We have
received intelligence
about suspicious activity
on a strategic outpost
that warrants further investigation.
The Director believes
your particular skillsets
are more suited for the mission.
- Oh, a mission?
- We have skillsets?
- [Counselor] Yes, you most assuredly do.
- But we're not really good at anything.
- [Counselor] As you may have noticed,
you consistently rank toward the bottom
of our regular assessment
of the abilities of members
of Project Freelancer.
- No shit Sherlock.
- [Counselor] But as you also know,
most operations happen in
teams of three or four.
In this regard, you have
shown remarkable cohesion.
In fact, in assessing your
abilities to work as a group,
you rank at the top of that metric.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
I mean, thank you sir.
- [Counselor] We are
confident in your abilities.
Now, please prepare your equipment.
The drop ship departs at 0900.
(door opens)
- Oh, oh, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
- What is it O?
- This is our big break.
If we do this mission right,
people will have to take us seriously.
All we have to do is work as a team.
But teams still have to do, you know,
have people do individual things.
Things that we're not good at.
As far as I can tell,
we're just really good
at being equally sucky.
- Do not shit on my parade, Idaho.
- Oh wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.
- What?
- I don't have to fly us there, do I?
- [Four Seven N iner] All right you three,
this is our drop point.
Good luck, okay?
- [Iowa] When do we call
you to bring us back?
- [Woman] Jump in three, two, one.
(triplets screaming)
(wind whooshing)
- [Idaho] Here's our big chance, she says.
- [Ohio] Idaho.
- [Idaho] Here's our big
break, gonna finally get
to hang out with the cool kids she says.
- [Ohio] I'm right here.
- Oh, I know, that's why I'm saying it.
- Oh, thanks, I really
appreciate it Spuds Mackenzie.
- Is that a fucking potato pun?
You know, I didn't get to choose
which state got assigned to me, right?
- No, no, why don't you tell me
more about the project, asshole.
- Okay, fine.
I'll tell you more, when you
tell me more about the mission.
- We have gone over this.
- You know it's not really a mission,
if the mission doesn't have
a specific objective, right?
- (stuttering) They forgot to
send the mission objective.
You know?
Something got disrupted in
the downloads (stuttering).
There's gotta be an explanation.
- There is, I've been telling you.
There is no mission.
They just dropped us here.
- I know, okay.
Okay, I get it, (sobbing)
I get it.
- Really, crying?
(Ohio crying)
- I hate my life.
- I didn't wanna believe it either,
but it seems pretty obvious.
- I know.
Oh my God, it's one big
fucking metaphor, isn't it?
I mean, they are freezing
us out of the program.
They dropped us here
because this is one giant
cold shoulder of a planet,
and this is what we deserve.
You know, just let us
slowly die of hypothermia
over the course of several months on this,
what is the name of this planet anyway?
Snowball? Deep Freeze?
(somber music)
All I wanted was one assignment.
You know, just one chance
to be given a purpose.
I've been trying too hard.
And the thing is, I was
trying not to do that,
you know, as a woman.
- What does that even mean?
- The top women here
are either total hard-charging badasses
or phoney-as-shit little ingenues.
All I want is meaningful work
while still being myself.
- Which is what exactly?
- A dork, a fuck up.
Just, I don't know a person who likes
geeking out about Kung
Fu movies with you idiots
and eating cake after midnight.
And who also happens to
be a pretty good shot.
- But not a good enough shot
to get sent on an actual mission, right?
- No, I suppose not.
Better shot than you though.
- [Iowa] Guys! Guys, I found something!
- What did you say?
Crap, he's turning around.
(explosion)
- [Iowa] I found the mission.
- [Ohio] And you are sure it's a base.
- And not like, you got too
much snow in your helmet
and got brain frostbite, and
had a near-death experience
where you hallucinated we
were finally on a mission?
- Well,-
- Ah, ah, ah, focus.
Are you sure?
- Fact, I saw a base
on the other side of a big
bridge I had to go across.
Fact, I saw a base and crossed the bridge
after I got snow in my helmet.
Fact, I went up to the
base and I touched it.
Fact, I touched it with my tongue.
It got stuck until I breathed hot on it.
- Jesus, you licked the base?
- I knew you were gonna
ask me if it was real
because after I put on my
helmet filled with snow,
how could I be sure?
- And then you thought
of the least likely way
you could prove that it was real.
- Yep, I licked it, I licked the base.
- Oh yeah, then what did it taste like?
- A white Russian, but not like
a person of Russian descent,
like the drink.
- Iowa, you are really
and truly a fucking moron.
- Come O, you said you
wanted an objective?
- Well, I guess it's either
sit here and freeze to death,
or go check it out and freeze to death.
- Mission!
- [Idaho] I'll be damned,
there really is a giant bridge.
- [Ohio] Well, now I wanna
know how he got up there.
Finger strength, man.
- You always were a good climber.
Wait, is that a path over there?
Why didn't you just take the path?
- I did, on the way down.
- Oh my God, my thoughts exactly.
- No, guys, there are soldiers up there.
- What?
- Come on, we're getting up to that bridge
for a closer look.
- What are they doing?
- That's what I'm trying to figure out.
They're just standing there talking.
- Is one of them the
guy who licked our base?
- Yep, and he brought company, two more.
- Who the hell licks a base,
especially in the cold?
- Oh wait, looks like they're on the move.
- Maybe this has something
to do with our mission.
- How many times do I
have to tell you guys?
There is no mission.
Charon Industries abandoned us here.
- Well, at least they left us with booze,
who wants another White Russian?
- Well maybe if you would've
let us take that guy out
when he was stuck to
our base by his tongue,
that could have become our mission.
- Oh yeah, but wait,
Sherry's pretty smart.
Maybe she knew that our mission was a test
to realize there isn't a mission.
And we did the right thing
by not killing that guy,
in which case-
- Mission accomplished.
- Yeah baby.
- There isn't a goddamn mission.
- That's what she said.
- (laughing) Nice.
- You realize this is why
they dumped us here, right?
You're incompetent, he's incompetent,
talking to you makes me incompetent.
Killing us and touching our dead bodies
would have only made them in competent.
It was their only choice.
- I'm pro-choice by the way,
just wanted you to know
that for future reference.
- [Woman] Good for you, Terrill,
you want a cookie?
- [Terrill] No, man, I
just like choices, jeez.
- Oh-oh.
- What is it?
- Looks like our friends
made it up to the bridge.
- Okay, I'll go make us
some drinks to celebrate.
- You think they see us?
- Maybe.
No wait, one of them is making cocktails.
I think we're good.
- You think they know how to
make a whiskey on the rocks?
- God, I hope so.
- Will you two please just focus for once?
This might actually be my
chance at an actual mission
and I will not have you
two losers ruin it for me.
What?
- Ohio.
- What?
- Fuck it, Vera, can I call you Vera?
- I mean, sure, I guess, what is it?
- It's just, it really hurts my feelings
when you call us losers.
- What?
- I mean, it's like you
don't value me or Mike.
We're just your temporary friends
and you're only waiting
for the chance to trade up.
And I mean, if that's how you
feel, that's how you feel,
but I mean...
- Oh man, Idaho, Ezra,
I don't feel that...
I'm sorry, I guess this is,
I mean, what I'm trying to say, look...
Guys, I know I can be a
bit of a hard-ass but,
don't make me get all mushy, okay.
You're okay, okay?
You too, Mike.
- Aw!
- Hey, we're supposed to
be the best at being us.
- Yeah, and what's that?
- A team.
So if we're gonna win,
or if we're gonna suck,
let's just do it together.
(sighs)
- Roger that.
Now just this once,
let's mission the shit
out of this thing, okay?
- Okay.
- Let me do the talking.
And whatever happens,
happens to all of us.
- Okay.
- Hey, you guys know how to
make a whiskey on the rocks?
You put ice in it, it's pretty easy!
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- Hey, what the hell do
you think you're doing?
- We're coming to investigate your base.
- What don't you understand
about let me do the talking?
- Why did your guy put
his tongue on our base?
- It's a long story.
- We got nothing but time.
- Are you guys a test?
- A what?
- A test.
We're from Charon Industries
and we're waiting to find out
what we're here for.
- Ex-Charon Industries.
We're not really waiting
for anything though,
except maybe like a quick merciful death.
- Are you the leader?
We don't exactly have a
chain of command anymore.
I'm mostly in charge though,
because I'm not a complete
fucking waste of brain cells.
My name's Sherry, this
is my partner, Darryl,
this is my other partner, Terrill.
- Hi.
- Ohio, Idaho, Iowa, agents
of Project Freelancer.
- Let me guess, you guys got dumped here.
- How did you know?
- Body language.
That, and there's no reason to come here
for anyone, like ever.
- Good eye.
- Yeah, it's a fun party
trick, only thing I'm good at.
Got more if you want.
- Really?
- You, you're the one that
just wants to go unnoticed.
- You used to love her,
but you've accepted that
she likes the ladies.
- Hey, how did you?
- Come on girl, it is obvious.
- Maybe you guys can date.
- And now one got messed up somehow,
but he has the most upbeat
attitude, so net-net I guess.
Here, we'll come over,
we can compare notes.
- Okay.
- You used to what me?
- Yeah, hey let's just move past this.
(bright music)
- [Sherry] We were the
worst soldiers of our unit.
- Us too.
- Terrill here, he detonated a base
trying to heat up a cup of coffee.
- Who puts the
fire-all-the-missiles button,
right next to the microwave?
- Pretty sure they were just expecting us
to accidentally fall down a
ravine or blow up our base
and save themselves the
trouble of a coverup.
- Stone cold-hearted man.
- Tell me about it.
- God fucking damn it.
Fuck my life, seriously.
Our one chance at a real
assignment, and we meet you guys.
- Oh, you're a real charmer.
- Boss, I like her, seriously.
Are you gonna date?
- The long and short of it
is, we're fuck ups, like you.
We're all stranded here,
we'll all die here, and
we'll all be forgotten.
(somber music)
- Well, at least we can do it together.
- Hey, yeah.
- Together,
- Together.
- You know, I think I
just learned something.
It doesn't matter if the rest of the world
wants to push you away.
As long as you find friendship in...
Ice spider!
(gunshots blaring)
Oh god, it's going,
it's going up your leg!
- Oh, he shot me!
- You bastards, I'll kill you.
- Iowa, get under cover.
- Goddamn it.
- Goddamn it.
- This happen often?
- Yeah.
But not as often as, nevermind.
- Man, I just wanted,
I just wanted a chance.
To be given a mission,
to be given a purpose.
- You want a purpose?
- Yeah, I really do.
- (chuckling softly) Me too.
(shots firing)
- Oh, shit!
You shot me.
The fuck did you do that for?
- Giving us all a reason
to be out here bitch.
- What are you, crazy?
- Yeah, probably.
But I'm done waiting on
someone to give me a purpose.
I'm making one for myself.
- Ohio, come on, we
have to get out of here.
- You're going down sweet cheeks.
- Oh, that's the spirit.
It's a shame though, you
actually seem like my type.
Come on guys, let's roll out.
- What, what did you do?
- I just gave us a purpose for being here.
- Which is?
- To keep an eye on those assholes.
- All I wanted to do
was kill the ice spider.
- But they just said they
aren't doing anything.
Why do we need to watch them?
- That's where you're wrong,
they are doing something now,
they are watching us
because now we've shot two of them.
- Seriously, you're saying
the only reason we need to be here
is because they have a base over there,
and the only reason they need
a base is because we are here.
- (giggles) Yes.
We finally have a purpose in life.
Isn't it glorious?
- You guys are a bunch
of psychotic assholes.
- You'll thank me later fuckface.
- You're super uncool,
you know that, right?
You're all losers.
- Yup, and I wouldn't
have it any other way.
(somber music)
- I haven't seen the triplets in a while.
I was gonna join them for lunch.
- You didn't hear?
- No, hear what?
- They dropped out of
the program or something.
It's pretty hush-hush.
- Man, nobody ever tells me anything.
- Who cares, they were never gonna amount
to anything anyway.
Best we just forget about them.
- Sure, I guess so.
- Hey, five things nobody
ever tells Wash, go.
- He's a dork.
- Hey.
- One.
- He's gullible.
- Oh, two.
- I am not.
- He's got something in his teeth.
- Wait, I do?
- (laughing) Three.
- [Vic] Since the beginning,
a single question has plagued the minds
of Red vs. Blue fans everywhere.
No, it's not you ever
wonder why we're here,
God knows we've run that
one into the ground.
Nope, the question is simple.
Red Team or Blue Team.
Well, clearly there's only one
logical way to settle this.
A battle of wits and rhymes.
Word to your mothers.
- Hey there.
Hey there recording guy,
what's the order of this, this rap battle?
- Hey guys, am I going
first or is he going first?
- Does it go him then me then me then him
then me then him me?
- It's Red versus Blue, he
should go first, he's Red.
- Or does it go me him him me
him him me me me me me him?
- It's the fight of
the ages, Red vs. Blue.
By the end this battle,
you'll finally see...
What is that, is that even a sentence,
why did we let an Achievement
Hunter write this stuff?
- When do I get my bling?
The Warthog needs spinners.
- Who's going first in this
thing, am I going first?
All right, let's do this.
- [Announcer] It's time for
Rooster Teeth Throw Down.
Leonard Church vs Sarge.
Rappers ready?
Throw Down!
♪ It the fight of the
ages! Red versus Blue ♪
♪ Or it would be if
anybody cared about you ♪
♪ By the end of this
battle you'll finally see ♪
♪ Leader of a real team ain't
as easy as it seems to be ♪
♪ You're trying to mold
three wimps into men ♪
♪ I run the suit of the biggest
badass there's ever been ♪
♪ Your shotgun's primed for a
war you've been storming up ♪
♪ But back away my laser
face has started warming up ♪
♪ Hate the people on you team
and can barely control them ♪
♪ Got your ass kicked
by Freelancers, Sarge ♪
♪ While I owned them ♪
♪ The Director, a machine
you're a cadencing shmuck ♪
♪ Can't rap against a ghost
so boo you motherfuck ♪
♪ My story's what fans and critics adore ♪
♪ I'll sum up yours in one word "snore" ♪
♪ This is all getting real,
bitch, this isn't a game ♪
♪ All the call you is Sarge ♪
♪ That's not even a name ♪
♪ Your rap is finally
over, the fat lady said ♪
♪ I'll kick your ass three times ♪
♪ With a left, right, left ♪
♪ Sarge isn't a name, it's superiority ♪
♪ Unlike yours, my team respects
enough to bury dead me ♪
♪ You got rhymes more fruity
than a strawberry Yoo-Hoo ♪
♪ I'll rip you so hard your
whole team will go "blue-hoo" ♪
♪ You say you're a leader
oh man, that's a riot ♪
♪ This sergeant's loading up ♪
♪ To kick you straight in the privates ♪
♪ Red wins, blue sucks
how it's always ended ♪
♪ Wipe this scum from the
earth as God intended ♪
♪ So death to the Blues
on the beautiful day ♪
♪ Rotting up like roadkill
on a lonely highway ♪
♪ And one day we'll sit
around a tattered blue flag ♪
♪ Stepping on the necks of
you broken battered dirtbags ♪
♪ Nothing you can say can stand up to me ♪
♪ So drop, bluetard,
and give me infinite ♪
♪ That's cute, look at you ♪
♪ You're thinking you're still relevant ♪
♪ Since reconstruction hit, ♪
♪ you're completely insignificant ♪
♪ You're an old hasbeen
who's still trying to prove ♪
♪ He's just as good as
he was back in 1952 ♪
♪ Goddamn I really died for this war? ♪
♪ You're the only one caring about ♪
♪ this motherfucking score ♪
♪ If I actually tried
you'd be down in one go ♪
♪ Also brown-nose, rust-boat,
wide-load and Delano ♪
♪ Red sucks, deal with it ♪
♪ And let me just remind you that ♪
♪ It's because of me,
RVB went past season 3 ♪
♪ You stepped up to a
game you can't play ♪
♪ Church is in session ♪
♪ So maybe you should stop and pray ♪
♪ Your days are numbered
you scruffy nerf herder ♪
♪ I got a brain full of beats
and a boner for murder ♪
♪ A case of blue like yours
calls for proper medication ♪
♪ Got a shotgun full of pills
for your insubordination ♪
♪ Glory to the Red Team
and extra glory to me ♪
♪ I need a proper victory ♪
♪ so who's in charge of the confetti ♪
♪ You're an old computer
program with a virus maybe ♪
♪ I'll wipe your hard-drive clean ♪
♪ With the treads of my Chupababy ♪
♪ We're just better,
that's not gonna change ♪
♪ So take a step closer
into face-stabbing range ♪
♪ Your fall's a matter of
"when" not a matter of "if" ♪
♪ My second shell is for you
I'm saving the first for Grif ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Oh, put away the threats
and the knuckle cracks ♪
♪ I told you to stay out of this ♪
♪ Dude just relax ♪
♪ These guys wanna fight and
hey, we're supporting it ♪
♪ But now we're chiming in on the rhyme ♪
♪ How unfortunate ♪
♪ See we're just better, in every way ♪
♪ What you've done in your
life I've done in a day ♪
♪ We're perfectly crafted,
cunning, killing machines ♪
♪ The two baddest of the
mercenary space marines ♪
♪ I'm a supreme know-it-all
when it comes to a knife ♪
♪ Close-Range combat's
how I'm living my life ♪
♪ Then couple me up with
an invisible dread ♪
♪ By the time you see
me you're already dead ♪
♪ How'd you both get teams
following your command? ♪
♪ When you can count your
IQ on a single hand? ♪
♪ I can't believe this fake
battle's caused this much fuss ♪
♪ 'Cause the way I see it ♪
♪ You're just practice for us ♪
♪ Calling Epsilon, the
Alpha the Director online ♪
♪ RVB is just a tale that
my life story designed ♪
♪ When I powered Tucker's
suit my tale came to an end ♪
♪ I know that's hard to explain
to a dude with no friends ♪
♪ Friends don't make you smile
in this battle-scarred hell ♪
♪ What made me smile was
watching you dissolve yourself ♪
♪ But you tried your damned
best so don't take it too hard ♪
♪ But it's time to suck it
Blue you just got Sarged ♪
(upbeat music)
- [Vic] Now, I know it's been
a while since we covered it,
but for this last piece,
I'd like to bring up the
whole Multiverse Theory again.
See, I was digging through my archives
and I found something ca-razy.
I mean seriously dude, C-A-R-AZY.
It's a theory about a universe
where Red vs. Blue is just a cartoon,
made by a bunch of losers in Texas.
I mean, talk about far-fetched.
But still, seemed entertaining enough,
so let's just humor the idea.
(metal clanking)
- Oh yeah, that's it Lopez.
Way to bend over and work those nuts.
Grab that shaft.
Give them a good screw.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I still don't understand
how our teleporter keeps breaking.
Who could be taking parts out of it?
- Well, certainly no one building
a secret Physical Location
Object Transfer device,
sometimes referred to as a
P.L.O.T. device for short,
not that I would know.
- Teleporter, shmeleporter,
I already tried telling him
all you have to do is turn the power off,
and then turn it back on.
Problem will fix itself.
It's proven science like global cooling.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Muchos amigos, Kimosabe!
Simmons, activate Red Base
Teleporter number one.
(teleporter powering on)
- Whoa, what's wrong with this thing?
- Oh God, it's drawing too much power.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Look out everyone, incoming.
(soldiers shouting drowns out speaker)
- Hello.
- Well, that was anti-climactic.
- It sure was.
And I really wanted to
climax with all you guys.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Ha, stupid Blue, you
walked right into the trap
we didn't even know we had set.
- Which means you is
even dumber than us is.
- Caboose, why were you in our teleporter?
- Well, I was playing
hide and seek with Tucker,
and crawled into the deep
freezer, my favorite hiding spot,
when I saw a bright light.
- Wait, cut!
Guys, what are you doing?
Okay, those are Caboose's lines,
you're bobbing to the wrong heads,
the Blue guy, not the Red guy.
- Oh, son of a bitch,
there's too many damn
colors in this goddamn show.
- I know, it's so confusing.
- Guys, please, you know I hate it
when I can't tell if you're
being sarcastic or not, right?
So could you just, reason with me here?
- Oh, Mr. Miles Luna can't
tell if we're being sarcastic.
Mr. Writer gotta use the big words,
like sarcastic.
- That's a standard word dude,
that's like a basic word.
- Spell it in a sentence
for me, sarcastic.
(overlapping argument)
- Well, well, well,
if it isn't another episode
of Red vs Blue in production,
what a lovable collection
of bickering morons.
Of course the actual
characters in the actual show
are funny, but I guess you
dipshits are even funnier.
- (laughing) Burnie, so good to see you.
Look, it's getting late, we
have a tight schedule here,
and all we have left to drink
are these Rocket Rooster energy drinks
that Matt keeps forcing on everyone.
- That's because it gives you
a magical level of efficiency, Miles.
- It also turns my ass into
a magical mudslide, Burnie.
- [Miles] What do you want?
- Oh, I don't know, Miles.
Maybe I wanna save the
legacy of my inspiring career
from the millennial hacks
that have taken over my show.
You know, back when we
worked on Red vs Blue,
we actually gave a shit.
Isn't that right Geoff?
- I don't remember.
- How do you not remember,
you worked on the show for like six years.
- I drank a lot.
- All right, well gramps,
thanks for stopping by,
but I think it's time you two
just shuffled on outta here
if you wanna catch that
early-bird special.
I hear the senior
discount ends at 5:00 PM.
- (laughing) That's 'cause they're old!
- Feel the Burnie, burn.
- [Miles] You got there, no
you got there, that was good.
- Okay, all right.
Well, I guess you guys think
that you're pretty hot shit, huh?
Well guess what, we are the
hottest shit that there is.
In fact we are so hot, we're
like a giant bag of shit
that's lit on fire,
and then you put on your
neighbor's doorstep,
ring the doorbell, and run away
in the middle of the night.
And then your neighbor comes
out in his robe and slippers
and he's like, "What's this,
oh, it's a huge burning
bag on my doorstep.
I better put that out."
So he starts stomping on it.
He's stomping on the fire.
But guess what? he's not stomping on fire,
he's stomping on shit.
And that hot shit that's on
the bottom of his slipper.
That's us.
- That's a really weird metaphor.
- You're a really fucking weird
metaphor, am I right Geoff?
- I don't know.
- How can you not know,
it's not that hard.
- I still drink a lot.
- Gentlemen, I think it's
time you moved on, okay?
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we gotta get back to adding three dozen
brand new pivotal characters
to this season's story arc.
Later.
- I made pivotal characters.
Come on Geoff, let's go.
- Yeah, let's go Geoff.
- You know your job.
(overlapping dialogue)
- That was awesome.
- All right, now, was that
a sarcastic high-five,
or a serious one?
I just don't wanna go down
this road again, okay?
- What does sarcastic mean?
- Son of a bitch.
How can they be so arrogant?
No one's better than me.
You know, we need to put
those guys in their place.
But how?
- We can convince them
to make some kind of permanent
change to their appearance,
like a mark or a design
or something on their skin
that seems super cool at
first, but after 14 years
or so seems ever so slightly less cool.
No, who am I kidding?
Nobody's dumb enough to
fall for that repeatedly.
- No, nobody's that dumb.
What we need is
a simple solution.
(laughing maniacally)
- Like the Nazis.
- What, no.
Geoff, that's the final solution.
I'm gonna cut the power.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Why Nazis, that was kind of weird.
(playful music)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Precisely Lopez.
Scientifically, there's only one way
to make sure the teleporter
is finally working properly.
And that's for all of us to jump into it
at exactly the same moment.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Sir, that doesn't make any sense.
- On the count of three.
Ready?
- Well, this is a great plan.
- One.
- All right, you ready?
- Yeah.
- One.
- Oh man, this is gonna work perfectly.
- Oh, this one is definitely gonna work.
Two.
- Two.
(speaking in foreign language)
- And-
- And-
- And three.
Three.
Three.
Three.
Three, guys, what the fuck are you doing?
Tucker's supposed to come
out of the teleporter
and say his line.
- Which one is Tucker again?
- The teal one.
- I thought it was cyan.
- No, no, no Carolina's cyan.
Tucker's aquamarine.
- They're the same color.
- Then which one is turquoise?
- Guys, look, Tucker's black
when he comes out of the teleporter, okay?
It's not important because
black lines don't matter.
- Boy, what the fuck is
that supposed to mean?
- And-
- And-
- Fuck!
- And-
- Three.
- Three.
(calm music)
(all screaming)
- Well, that worked better
than I thought it would.
(Caboose screaming)
- Caboose, what are you screaming about?
- I don't know, just seemed
like the popular thing to do!
(Caboose screaming)
- Can it, blue-tard, you're
going to give away our position.
- What position?
Where are we?
(speaking in foreign language)
- And how is it we are looking so good?
Check out the sheen on my armor?
I feel like I just got
slathered in baby oil.
And now I'm ready to party.
- Can it pinkie pants,
it's clear that our
teleporter has been sabotaged.
And now, find ourselves smack dab
in the middle of the enemy's lair.
- This, uh, lair looks
more like a warehouse.
- That would make it a lair house.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I agree Lopez, there could be traps
set around every corner.
- What's the plan Sarge?
- We need a reconnoiter.
Emphasis on the noitre.
- Got it.
I'll scope out the enemy's mess hall.
Perhaps by eating their food,
I'll learn the way they think.
- There's gotta be a
control room here somewhere.
- And hopefully a day spa.
- Ooh, maybe we can
give each other facials.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Excelente, the work load
is evenly divided then.
Grif, you take the left
flank, Simmons the right.
Donut, take the rear.
- As always.
(overlapping dialogue)
- [Sarge] Watch where you're going.
- My bad.
- Watch where I'm going,
more importantly.
(beatboxing)
- Hey Joel.
- Oh yeah, hey man.
- You're late.
- Yeah, I like to come in
after the animators have
gone home for the day
and mess with their desks in weird ways.
So you've got, like, the used
Kleenex, and then the lotion,
and I'm about to mess
with the browser history.
- Oh, hey, type this in.
M-E-A-T-S-P-I...
What was that?
- I think someone's coming.
- Okay, quick, let's hide.
- [Sarge] Watch where
you're going dirtbag.
- [Caboose] Not my fault,
someone put a wall in my way!
(playful music)
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna go round back
and try to figure it out.
Hold this position, okay?
(suspenseful music)
- Ah, look at all these devices.
- Motion capture computer,
authorized personnel only.
- What in the-
- Admiral Sergeant look, the
computer is mimicking me.
Bad computer, that is rude!
- Occam's Laser! I see
what's going on here.
Our enemy has figured out a
way to capture our every move
and then turn it against us.
Why, with nefarious technology like this
they can control an entire army.
Possibly even two.
- Or even an entire dance party!
(upbeat music)
- That can't be good.
- Goddamn, smells like a middle
school cafeteria in here.
This must be the place.
What the fuck is up with this art though?
That is truly hideous.
I wonder what enemy's caloric intake is.
Let's see what we've got
in the fridge I guess.
Gee whiz, the enemy sure
drinks a lot of energy drinks.
That must be exhausting.
Where's the real food?
I wonder what the enemy eats.
- Huh, too heathy, not fattening enough,
vegetables ugh, where the
hell do they keep the Oreos?
- Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- Nothing, just cleaning
up the mess here, sir.
- Kitchen duty, huh?
Man, I hate cleaning stuff.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I hate doing any kind of work,
especially if it benefits others.
- Me too.
I'll tell you what, ain't
nothing like doing nothing.
- Yeah, now you're talking.
You know, I bet I'm way better
at doing nothing than you.
- Not a chance, I haven't
done anything in years.
- Not doing anything isn't nothing,
it's actually something.
And you can be proud of that
kind of nothing something.
- You're right, it takes a lot
of work to avoid doing work,
and that's the kind of
work I don't ever avoid.
- Why can't other people
see that being lazy
is the hardest job of all.
- Right?
I like the way you think.
And hey, I may hate sharing
almost as much as I hate work,
but if you're still
looking for those Oreos?
Why don't you try the vegetable crisper?
- Oh, sweet, I'll tell you what buddy,
maybe we could split these.
I'm only gonna eat the middle part anyway.
- Me too.
And you know what?
I think I have just the thing
for us to wash it down with!
(bottle breaking)
- Uh, I'm not cleaning that up.
(bright music)
- Ah, come on, what is this shit,
this place is a dump.
Is this somewhere Grif would sit? Gross.
Huh, what do we have here?
Looks like some kind of
communication device.
(soldier screaming)
- What was that?
- [Soldier] What was that?
- Testing.
- Testing.
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Huh, system seems to have
some kind of feedback loop.
- Yeah, I'm definitely
getting a feedback loop.
- The feedback loop seems
to be modulating itself.
- That's unusual.
- But not entirely unpredicted.
- Mathematically it makes perfect sense.
- I think I've finally proven my theory.
- Using this device-
- The feedback loop is likely to transcend
the barrier of the space-time continuum.
- And I can now communicate
with myself in the future.
- Future me, where are you?
I mean, where am I?
I mean, where are we?
- This location, I don't
know, it's hard to describe.
It's very ugly.
Kind of place that only
someone with very bad taste
would enjoy, I mean,
it's a real fucking shit show in here.
- That doesn't sound familiar.
Is there anything that looks recognizable?
- Oh, I think I found the control room.
Oh shit!
- What is it?
- I think I saw the enemy,
he's a fucking ugly bastard.
- The enemy?
Is there some kind of war in
the future, what's going on?
- What the fuck kind of
stupid question is that?
Don't you know anything?
- Hey man, I'm not the one
from the fucking future, okay?
I don't know what the
hell is going on here.
- I better just get out of here.
This is definitely the time to retreat.
- Retreat? Fuck that
shit, don't be a pussy.
- What, I don't have any backup.
- Do you have any weapons?
I don't know, something you fight with?
- I have a rifle with 60 rounds,
and a couple grenades.
- What the fuck.
Man, the future is crazy.
- What do I do?
- I don't know, use one of your grenades
and shoot any of the
bad guys who come out.
- Okay, here goes nothing.
- Oh, holy shit.
(screaming)
(grenade explodes)
- I see the enemy, I'm gonna shoot him.
(gunshots blaring)
- Don't shoot.
Fuck the future.
- Dance, I like dance.
Dancing, dancing, I like dance.
- My God.
The enemy is attacking,
you hold this position
while I flank them.
- Holding position.
(upbeat music)
- That's something you
don't see every day.
(calm music)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- Quit your yapping dirtbag.
Where are the rest of your soldiers?
- Soldiers?
You mean employees?
It's a practical joke, right?
- Yeah, and the punchline
is, I punch you in the face.
- So no?
- Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- Wrong again, I am.
- No, I am.
- No, I am.
- No, I am.
- Uh-uh, I am.
- Why do you just keep
repeating the words I say?
(gun cocks)
- When you hear my shotgun a-cocking,
you better start a-talking.
- Are you just trying out one liners?
- Shut up, dirtbag.
- Hello?
Anybody still here?
Yo!
What?
Oh my God!
(speaking in foreign language)
What the hell is happening in here?
(speaking in foreign language)
Yeah dude, I don't speak Spanish,
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
- [Gus and Geoff] Ahhh, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- [Grif and Simmons] Shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
- I wish that I could go just one week
without dealing with those fucking morons.
- Last chance numbnuts.
- Okay, listen, listen.
I don't know why we're here,
I don't know how this happened,
but before you pull that trigger,
I do know one thing,
there are four crazy people
about to run around that corner
and smash right into you.
- (chuckling) You really
think I'm gonna fall for that?
(gunshots blasting)
- Go.
- That's the enemy over there.
- Come on!
- Kill them.
- And that you see, is not
only the true meaning of life,
but why all of us should invest
all of our money in gold.
- Joel, what the hell are you doing, man?
Come on, we gotta get
the hell out of here.
- Right behind you.
(serene music)
Goodbye friend.
- And that was the smartest
person I have ever met.
- What happened, where did the enemy go?
- Those idiots outsmarted us.
- They were one step ahead of us.
- Yeah, bastard, it was
like he was reading my mind.
Like he knew my thoughts
before I even thought them.
- Yeah, I feel that way all the time.
(panting)
- What the hell is going on?
- Did we all really just
see what I think we saw?
- Maybe we were just hallucinating right
like we probably had too much
Rocket Rooster Energy Drink, right?
- Or maybe not enough.
- Oh come on, fuck off with that.
- Fuck you guys, it's
a major profit center.
- Man, whatever's going on,
we have to figure it out,
we have to reverse it.
- The switch, that's how
we got into this mess.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, it makes sense.
We can turn the power off,
and we turn it back on again,
and the problem fixes itself,
it's a proven science,
like global cooling.
- We can do this guys, we can do this.
On three
one.
- Let go, that is my Xbox.
(speaking in foreign language)
- What in Sam Hell? Lopez!
(speaking in foreign language)
I told you I don't speak Spanish.
- Two.
- Let go.
- Hey guys, I didn't get a facial,
but I did find a bunch of energy drinks
and made us all cocktails.
- Christ, Donut, are
you fucking kidding me?
- Now, who wants the cock,
and who wants the tail?
(Burnie laughs)
- And three.
(all screaming)
(bright music)
(electric buzz)
- Hello.
(Sarge grunting)
- Oh, son of a bitch.
(playful music)
- I think that maybe
everything's back to normal.
- Yeah, the problem seems
to have fixed itself,
hashtag science.
- So, I guess the real lesson here
is that it's perfectly safe to drink
Rocket Rooster brand energy drink.
There are no proven long-term
or short-term side effects.
Yes, that's the real lesson.
- Fucking idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What, what?
- I'm gonna go count my gold
'cause that's what I do.
- Guys, this is how we
make all of our money.
I mean literally all of our money.
Could you just work with me?
I mean it only causes
cancer in some people.
- Three.
- Oh, fuck berries.
(upbeat music)
- You know, it's weird how we
haven't seen Burnie around.
- Yeah, it's not the same without him.
- Gotta admit, kind of
like the new guy though.
- Well, hello, are you a
model or a famous actress?
Bow chicka bow wow!.
(punch lands)
Ow, bow, ow!
- [Vic] Ladies and gentlemen,
Reds and Blues, chicos
and chicas, it's been fun,
but as an old bald British dude once said,
all good things must come to an end.
You know, I keep thinking back
to this whole multiverse thing,
if there's really an infinite
number of parallel universes,
then that means there's probably
an infinite number of stories out there
that still need to be told.
Maybe some of them are funny,
maybe some of them are sad,
maybe some of them
start off looking funny,
but then they totally hit
you with a bait and switch
and get you all sad, I don't know.
After all, I'm just one of
an infinite number of Vics,
which is exactly why I'm here.
Why I've been guiding you this entire time
to open a window, to open
your eyes to the truth.
As long as there's stories,
there needs to be storytellers.
And that is where you come in.
Tell your story, dude or dudettes.
It could be one in a billion
others, but it'll be yours.
Make it about the Reds,
make it about the Blues,
heck, make it about some
other group of soldiers
that no one ever heard
about until you told them.
Show us villains that tell
themselves they're heroes,
build entire worlds, brick by brick,
teach the galaxy about friendship,
but whatever you do, don't stop
because a universe without stories,
well, that's just empty space amigo.
All right, well that
does it for me, I'm out.
555-V-I-C-K signing off!
Don't call me, I'll call you.
(upbeat music)
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ If they ever thought they had a shot ♪
♪ You're the one who sold
the lies they bought ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
(cheerful music)
Project de los Freelancer
really nailed it
when it came to building
two armies worth of idiots.
Some people say it's because
we had such convincing propaganda,
but I'm pretty sure
there's just that many stupid
people in the universe.
(playful music)
- [Narrator] You joined the military
to help fight off the alien scourge.
You were told that joining the military
would keep your fellow man safe.
But what you weren't told
is that your fellow man
could very well be our real enemy.
And they're already here.
Every day hiding in plain sight,
Blue conspirators conspire against us.
Our way of life, our very freedom.
But not all is lost!
Military intelligence
has been gathering
information on the enemy,
and after months of
analyzing and planning,
have come up with a way
to combat the true enemy,
the Blue enemy.
To combat this Blue enemy,
the military has formed a
strike force code name Red Team.
This team is comprised of
only the most elite soldiers,
those willing to do what it takes
to eliminate the Blue bastards.
These Red commandos are
familiarizing themselves
with the military's
newest and best equipment.
Just ask this fine soldier here.
What's your name and rank soldier?
- Sarge.
- [Narrator] And your name?
- I just told you, are
you slow or something son?
- [Narrator] Right?
Well then, let's continue.
So Sarge, what's that fine piece
of hardware you have there?
- Oh, this here is the M90 shotgun.
8-gauge magnum rounds.
Chrome-lined barrel, and
glow-in-the-dark sights,
There are many like it,
but this one, she's mine.
- [Narrator] That's a
fine piece of hardware-
- And don't even think about touching her.
- [Narrator] I wasn't going to.
- Or looking at her.
I can see you looking.
- [Narrator] Uh...I'm sorry?
- Damn skippy, dirtba-
- [Narrator] Whoa, looks like Sarge
had to go off on a super-secret mission
against the vile Blue Team.
Back to that high-speed gear.
Let's check in with
another fine Red soldier.
- [Soldier 1] Dude, she is so hot.
- [Soldier 2] You know, I
don't feel really comfortable
looking at this with you.
- Dibs.
- Damn it!
- [Narrator] How goes it gents?
- Ah, I swear I just found it.
- Don't tell Sarge.
- I was only holding it for Lopez.
- [Narrator] Uh...
- Wait a second, who are you?
And what are you doing with that camera?
- [Narrator] We're with the Red Command
Military Intelligence,
and we're here to film you fine soldiers
so you can tell the galaxy
about the thrilling
lifestyle of the Red Army.
- It sucks, everything's Red.
We don't-
- Oh, okay.
Well, what about all the
top-notch military equipment
you and your men are using
to fend off the Blue scourge.
- Um...Well, we have a
robot that speaks Spanish
and I guess that's helpful,
or, well, I mean, it
really doesn't help us.
- [Narrator] What about that heavy hitter
you've got there soldier?
- Why did you just hand me this?
- [Narrator] Care to
tell us what it's like
to hold liberty in the palm of your hand?
- I can keep the rocket launcher, right?
- Sure.
- Then shit yeah,
what do you need camera guy?
- [Narrator] Let's start with your name.
- Dexter Grif, "Rocket Expert".
- Why'd you give it to him?
- [Narrator] All right
Grif, what's your rank here
at Blood Gulch Outpost number one?
- They call me Sergeant.
- [Soldier] Where you at Grif.
- [Narrator] Who was that?
- Just ignore him,
he can't handle that
we're both the same rank
now that Simmons and I
are being transferRed over to Rat's Nest.
- [Narrator] Well, Sergeant.
- [Sarge] What do you want?
- [Narrator] Grif, mind
telling us a little
about that rocket launcher you have there
and how it's helping to combat the enemy?
- This thing? You just gave it to me.
- And again, why not give it to me?
- You know, I don't
like your tone Private.
- Oh yeah, well, I don't
like your anything, Sergeant.
(rocket launcher blasts)
- Help!
- Do not sass me Private.
Now quit bleeding all over my base.
- [Narrator] Could you please
just talk about fighting the Blues?
- Who?
Oh, you mean Tucker and those guys?
Are we back to hating them again?
I thought everything was cool
since the whole alien
thing with the Freelancer-
- [Narrator] All right, turn it off!
Turn it off!
(upbeat music)
Boy, looks like those high-speed troops
sure are busy on super-secret missions.
Now you might be asking yourself
if you've already got all
these least tip-top soldiers,
why do you need me?
Easy, while our Red soldiers
are keeping the enemy at bay,
military intelligence
has found that the...
Gentlemen!
- But I told her I had a sniper rifle.
She's expecting me to bring it.
- [Narrator] Gentlemen!
- I don't care what
you told Grif's sister.
I am not letting you take my sniper rifle
on your imaginary date.
- It's not imaginary,
she's totally into me.
- [Narrator] Will you please just focus!
- Who are you again?
- For the last time
we are the same rank!
- Oh, the pain.
- [Voiceover] The Blue! Red! Blue!
- [Narrator] Traitors
are alien sympathizers.
(upbeat music)
Ugh, disgusting.
They even hate our very own children.
- I hate babies!
- [Narrator] You exceptional soldiers
have been handpicked by your
commanders to join Red Team.
Join and be a part of the team
that is making a difference.
Do you wanna drive a Warthog?
- Join the Red Team.
- [Narrator] Do you wanna
see new and exciting places?
- Join the Red Team, team, team, team!
- [Narrator] Do you wanna
be where the action is?
- Join the Red Team.
- [Sarge] Caboose, get out of here.
- Okay.
- [Narrator] So if you
think you're lean enough
and if you think you're mean enough,
and if you wanna send those Blue heathens
back to the hell they came from,
then do your part and accept
the invitation to Red Team.
- [Grif] No, seriously,
are we really not cool
with the Blues anymore?
- [Narrator] Fuck it! Fuck it!
We'll fix it in post.
- [Vic] Who would win in a fight?
Now, if that's not the
most popular question
asked around Project Freelancer,
I don't know what it is.
Oh, no wait, it'd probably be,
hey, where do these AI keep coming from?
Or have you noticed that we're
looking pretty evil lately?
Anyway, there's been plenty
of action-packed punch outs,
and kick-ass karate
matches over the years,
but we never really saw a matchup
between two of our heaviest
hitters, Carolina and the Meta.
Let's see if we can do
something about that.
(dramatic music)
- Hey.
- Yeah?
- You ever wonder who'd win
in a fight between Carolina and the Meta?
- No, only hopeless nerds on the internet
care about that kind of crap.
- Yeah, why do you think I'm asking you?
Come on, picture it,
it'd be totally badass.
- Well, yeah, I guess.
Carolina would definitely win though.
- Bullshit!
You're just picking her
'cause you're scared of girls.
Meta is way scarier.
He threw a Warthog at me.
- Oh, I didn't realize scariness
was the deciding factor
in a fight to the fucking death, genius.
- Hey Ranks, what are you talking about?
- Oh, Grif was just
asking what would happen
if Carolina and Meta fought.
- By who?
- One another.
- Is that a who?
- What?
- What?
- Just ignore him.
- Oh you mean death battle.
- I mean, sure.
- Oh! Awesome! Hang on.
I know some smart people that can help.
Be right back!
- Do you have any idea
what he's talking about?
- No, but I do know that
you're still fucking wrong.
- Okay, I'm back.
- Well, that was fast.
- Yep, I called Command
and they sent two of their
best scientist fighting people
to help us.
- Their best?
Really?
- And that's how you write
your name in buckshot.
- All right, all right,
enough screwing around.
We've got a job to do.
- Oh, fine.
- I think you're forgetting
the Command's best
is just a step up from incompetent.
- They sent us Donut.
- I rest my case.
- Introducing Chase and Boomstick.
- It's Wiz and Boomstick.
- Wow, those are the dumbest
names I've ever heard.
- Franklin Delano Donut.
- And I retract my previous statement.
- Yeah, well you've got the
dumbest face I've ever seen.
- I thought you were supposed to be smart.
I'm wearing a helmet.
- Oh my God, me too.
- All right, so how you guys do this?
You just like drawn names out of a hat,
cast some chicken bones around?
- It's our job to analyze their
weapons, armor, and skills,
to find out who would win a death battle.
- Why did you say it like that?
- Just, just watch.
(upbeat music)
- [Wiz] Before there was Red versus Blue,
there was Project Freelancer.
The Freelancers were
highly trained soldiers
with experimental weaponry
and a mission so secret,
not even they knew what it was.
- [Boomstick] Kind of stupid in hindsight,
but these were true soldiers.
The biggest and the strongest
of them all was Agent Maine.
- [Wiz] Maine was the muscle of the team,
relying on his brute
strength, wrestling styles,
and his unwavering ferocity
to intimidate and crush his foes.
- [Boomstick] While he liked carrying
an M6G Magnum Pistol into battle,
he really likes a certain alien
grenade launcher he stole.
The Type-25 Grenade
Launcher, AKA the Brute Shot.
- I mean, seriously, look at this thing.
It's got a blade,
and can fire up to four
rounds in three seconds.
Let's test that, shall we?
- Hey, that's mine.
Give it back.
(weapon blasting)
(soldier groaning)
- Well, in conclusion, I love this thing.
- [Boomstick] So the guy
was a badass fighter.
Too bad Project Freelancer
ended up turning him into a monster.
- [Wiz] Long story short, the
Director of Project Freelancer
received a rare artificial
intelligence for testing.
- [Boomstick] The Director imagined
an army of super soldiers paired with AIs,
but he could only get the one.
- [Wiz] Being the
resourceful scientist he was,
the Director decided to torture the AI,
forcing it to separate its raw emotions
into multiple personalities
to save itself.
These personalities were captured
as individual AI fragments
and paired with different freelancers.
Trust me, that's science.
- [Boomstick] Maine was given Sigma,
the AI fragment representing
ambition and creativity.
And apparently being creative
makes you fucking evil.
- [Wiz] Desperate to gather
his fellow AI fragments
and reform into a perfect AI,
Sigma manipulated and brainwashed Maine,
turning him into the murdering psychopath
known as the Meta.
- [Boomstick] The Meta went on a rampage,
betraying his fellow freelancers
and stealing their AIs.
He was like the predator,
but bigger, meaner,
and with tons of overpowered equipment.
- [Wiz] His domed energy shield
creates a nigh impregnable force field.
- It can block bullets, explosions,
and even shells from tanks.
Allow us to demonstrate.
Here's Grif inside an energy shield.
- Yeah, so?
- And here is a tank operated by Caboose.
- [Caboose] And what could go wrong?
- Oh, shit.
- Fire in the hole, in-1.
(tank blasts)
- Let's try that again Blue buddy.
- [Caboose] Yes sir, Captain Deadpan!
- Huh!
- Wait, it ran out of...
(blast)
(Grif shouting)
- Now, if the energy shield had been there
Grif would've been fine.
- [Caboose] Wow, science is fun.
- [Simmons] I've said it for years.
- [Wiz] As if that weren't enough,
the Meta's active camouflage
turns him practically invisible.
His strength-boost enhancement
grants him, well, super strength,
and most impressively, his
temporal distortion device
can slow time to a crawl.
- [Boomstick] He can turn
invisible and stop time?
This guy sounds unstoppable.
- [Wiz] Unfortunately,
running so much equipment
alongside so many AI fragments
consumes a lot of power.
But that hasn't stopped him
from killing several freelancers
and stealing seven other AIs.
- [Boomstick] Not to mention,
the dude can take a hit
and keep on going,
even when that hit is taking nine shots,
point blank to the neck.
Man, and I thought my
voice made my throat hurt.
No wonder he never talks.
- [Wiz] The only thing that could stop him
was when a couple of idiots
stabbed him in the chest,
tied him to a car, and
threw that car off a cliff
into the freezing ocean.
- [Boomstick] But let's be fair Wiz,
that's a pretty fucking
hardcore way to go.
(upbeat music)
(tires screeching)
(metal clanging)
- Hey, wait a minute,
where'd you get all this footage?
Have you been spying on us?
- Don't worry about it.
(metal bangs)
- [Wiz] Leading the troops
of Project Freelancer,
Agent Carolina, was supposedly
the best of the best.
She commanded the team through
many successful missions,
mastered several martial arts,
and her top spot on the
leaderboard seemed untouchable.
- [Boomstick] Until a mysterious stranger
showed up out of the blue
and ruined everything.
But we'll get to that later.
Carolina carries a
wider variety of weapons
than most freelancers.
Over the course of her career,
she's favored the standard Magnum Pistol,
dual plasma rifles, a grappling hook,
which can operate in outer space,
a humbler stun device, which
is basically a shock baton,
and a long range BR55 barrel rifle.
It's not as flashy as a shotgun,
but it's got an impressive
range of over 3000 feet.
(rifle blasts)
- Ow! Why me?
- It just feels right.
- [Wiz] Like many other freelancers,
Carolina also possesses an AI companion,
several actually, but for this matchup,
we'll be focusing on the
time she spent with Epsilon,
the memory of the original Alpha
AI the Director fragmented.
It's also known as Church.
Like the other AI fragments,
Epsilon experiences time
205 times slower than a human being.
And therefore drastically speeds up
Carolina's thoughts and reaction time.
- [Boomstick] Too bad
he's kind of an asshole,
and by kind of, I mean,
that's basically his thing.
- Guys, I'm an asshole.
- [Boomstick] In her
post-Freelancer career,
Carolina made it her mission to track down
as much experimental armor
equipment as possible.
And let me tell you, she
did a pretty damn good job.
Like Maine, she managed to
acquire the domed energy shield,
but also picked up adaptive camouflage,
a speed boost, and a healing unit.
- [Wiz] Unfortunately,
just one AI fragment
isn't enough to run all
of this equipment at once.
In battle, if Carolina's not careful,
she can accidentally push Epsilon too far
and essentially short circuit him.
- [Boomstick] Yeah, for a leader,
she's kind of hotheaded
and super competitive.
Like when Agent Texas
joined the Freelancer crew
and started showing her up,
Carolina started making
a lot of stupid mistakes.
- [Wiz] There's a lot going on here.
Turns out the Director was
Carolina's father all along,
and Tex was actually
the AI fragment memory
of his deceased wife.
Meaning Carolina's greatest
rival for her father's approval
was actually her own mother.
- Wait, what?
You're making that up.
- You guys didn't know that?
Where have you been, pay attention.
- Yeah, seriously guys,
it's like super obvious.
- Huh? Suddenly everything
makes a lot more sense.
- Fuck dude, remember
when all we used to do
is stand around and talk?
- Yeah, good times.
- Good times.
- Ow!
- (chuckles) Still love this thing.
- [Wiz] Regardless,
Carolina is one tough woman.
She's defeated several other freelancers,
saved an entire planet from civil war,
and once blocked the shockwave
of a nuclear explosion.
- [Boomstick] She and Epsilon
were even skilled enough
to track down dear old dad,
after he went into hiding
just to help him kill himself.
Jeez, that got dark real fast.
- [Voiceover] Who are you?
- I'm your true warrior.
(metal bangs)
- [Wiz] All right, the combatants are set,
let's end this debate once and for all.
- [Boomstick] It's time
for a death battle!
(metal bangs)
(wind whooshing)
(electric buzz)
(martial art noises)
(playful music)
- Time.
- Oh yeah, just 0.03
milliseconds too slow.
Looks like I'm picking the movie tonight.
- Oh, can it not be another
garbage action movie?
- Oh, come on, they're hilarious.
Everyone talks in one liners,
the plot's nonexistent.
It's like the characters are just there
to beat the shit out of each other.
(alarm tingling)
Uh-oh!
- What is it?
- I think we're about to have company.
(gun cocks)
- Maine!
- Not exactly.
- That's more perfect.
- Take it.
- Okay, if we win, you can
totally pick the movie.
(glass shattering)
- [Announcer] Fight!
(gunshots blaring)
- [Church] Not working.
- I can see that.
(punches landing)
(dramatic music)
(baton buzzing)
(dramatic music)
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
- [Church] You sure you
can't set that thing to kill?
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
- Just hold on!
(dramatic music)
- Church, where is he?
- [Church] I'm on it, scanning.
Your left.
(dramatic music)
(punches landing)
(Carolina groaning)
(dramatic music continues)
- Church, I need Armor Enhancements.
- [Church] Which ones?
- All of them.
- [Church] That doesn't
seem like a good idea.
Yeah, shit.
(Carolina groans)
Damn it!
Focusing on the healing unit, I got you.
Carolina, can you hear me?
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
You got him.
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
Okay, seriously, what the fuck!
♪ Yeah they're going down. ♪
♪ If they ever thought they had a shot ♪
♪ You're the one who sold
the lies they bought ♪
(punches landing)
Hey, hey, wait, wait.
Hold up.
- [AI] It's him.
- So, I know you're about to
pummel her ginger face in and all,
but you also only talk in grunts,
so I'm just gonna say this
one line for you, okay,
just this one time.
Oh, son of a bitch.
(weapon blasts)
- [Announcer] KO.
- Church.
- Yeah!
- No action movies.
(metal bangs)
- Holy shit.
- I know he did not even
have a head under his helmet.
He was a ghost the whole time.
- I told you, I told you.
- Like Bruce Willis.
- Bullshit, Meta's stronger,
he should have won.
- Not true Grif.
As the Freelancer leaderboard prooves,
strength isn't everything.
- [Wiz] Carolina's mastery of martial arts
let her hold her own.
And her use of equipment
allowed her to match and
even counter the Meta's.
He may have gained an upper hand
with his temporal distortion,
but Carolina's healing
unit quickly repaired
damage done during the attack.
- [Boomstick] Even though the Meta
had all that powerful equipment,
it drained his suit's energy way too fast.
Carolina tried
to use all of her equipment
at once and failed.
Luckily, she had Epsilon
to change tactics and focus on recovery.
- [Wiz] Which brings us to what is perhaps
the most important factor of the fight.
The relationship between Freelancer
and Artificial Intelligence.
The Meta was brainwashed and manipulated
by eight different AI,
effectively filling his head
with an unintelligible mess
of voices and commands.
In contrast, Carolina and Epsilon
work together as partners
with a mutual trust,
both capable of making judgment calls
to make up for each other's weaknesses.
- Whatever, I still say it
should have been the Meta.
- Says the guy who can't
tell the difference
between a car and a Puma.
- I can tell the difference.
It was a matter of comparison.
- [Boomstick] The Meta
just couldn't get ahead
of his competition.
- [Wiz] The winner is Agent Carolina.
- Hey, what in Sam Hell
are you boys doing here?
Fraternizing with a blue devil and a...?
Who the hell are these dirtbags?
- Whoa, easy there sir,
we're just here from Command.
- Hey, nice shotgun.
I like the cut of your jib.
- (laughing) well, what do you know?
Someone who has an eye for
the finer things in life.
- Oh, you better believe it.
- You know, you remind me of someone.
Almost like the son that I never wanted?
- Oh, that's funny.
I was about to say you're
like the papi I never had.
When I was a kid,
he ran out on us to join the
army and never came back.
- Huh, well, how about that?
Time to move along, I
guess, nothing to see here.
(humming)
- What a nice guy.
- [Vic] All right, I got a joke for you.
What's black and white and red all over?
Oh snap, wait, wait,
this joke doesn't make any sense
until you see the next story.
Okay, so I'll just describe it to you then
so you'll get my joke.
It's about another
group of Reds and Blues,
and it's really funny, and...
And you know what,
I'm just gonna keep
working on my material.
(dramatic music)
(playful music)
- [Reg] What I'm trying to say is-
- [Deuce] I don't care
what you're trying to say.
What I'm actually saying is-
- My red-hearted mama always told me
not to trust a dirty Blue,
and I'm sure not gonna start now.
- Quiet!
We've been here for three hours
and we haven't been able
to compromise on anything.
We're no closer to peace
than when we started.
- Well, Hutch, we'd already have peace
if you Reds would all just die
already like decent people.
- Or peacefully surrender.
- After you're all dead.
- (sighs) Wynn, take control of your men.
Need I remind you we're locked in here
and those doors won't open
until we reach an agreement
or we're all dead.
- Whose idea was that anyway?
- Mine! Deal with it!
- Well, looks like we
gotta get to peace making
or we're gonna be in more trouble
than a bull moose in Blood Gulch.
(spits) Oh God, why do I
keep spitting in my helmet?
- This is hopeless,
what are the odds of us
actually reaching peace?
- Statistically insignificant,
my dear naive Squatch.
We are as good as dead.
- Fine by me, the only
good Red is a dead Red.
- A dead Red with bed head.
- And a lead shed.
- He said.
- knock it off, boys, especially you Cobb.
Remember which side you're on here.
- Sorry Hutch, got
caught up in the moment.
No way I'm gonna mistake myself
for a two-faced mud-sucking Blue.
- That's it, we're out of here.
- Deuce, bust open those doors.
- You're leaving over my dead
(lights go out)
(overlapping chattering)
(gunshot bangs)
- Oh my God, there's a murderer in here.
I gotta get out of here.
- Don't even bother Squatch,
those doors aren't opening.
- Reg is correct,
we are not leaving until we
find peace or we're all dead.
- Well, it's obvious who shot Hutch.
It was Wynn.
- Me? But why me?
You're the leader of the Blues.
You benefit the most from his death.
- Nyah, see, my commander
wouldn't hurt a fly.
Unless it was a Red.
Oh wait.
- I believe it was you
who said the only good Red is a dead Red.
- What, you're accusing me now?
You're the one with those
weird-looking shifty eyes.
I mean, look at him.
(suspenseful music)
Nyah, see, he's doing it right now.
- I'm not doing anything, or am I?
(suspenseful music)
- Okay, look people,
we gotta sort this out.
Now, let's try what we
used to do back home
on Alpha Centaur-I-Aye, a
good old-fashioned line up.
- Good idea Cobb.
Everybody stand against that wall.
(suspenseful music)
- Uh, isn't there normally a witness
that identifies the suspect?
- Oh right.
Here's how we're gonna do it,
one by one let's step forward
and say, "I shot Hutch."
You first Cobb.
- All right, I shot Hutch.
(all shouting indiscernibly)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't shoot,
I was just saying what he told me to say.
- This isn't gonna work.
No lineup.
- Everybody say I shot Hutch.
- Oh, great idea Wynn.
- Don't sass me Squatch.
- Any other bright ideas, gentlemen?
- I suppose we could...
Wait a second.
- Well, this doesn't seem right.
- Uh-oh!
- Where's my third Red?
Red's come here, Blues stay there.
- Uh-oh!
- Wait, what is happening here?
- Yeah, hold on, I'm a little confused.
- Look, Blue, will you
just call your man over?
- Uh, yeah.
Hey Squatch, bring our guy over.
- What? Why me?
- What in heaven's name is
taking you people so long?
- Well, you all look the same.
- No we don't, we're Red.
You know, the color of
tomatoes, celery, the ocean-
- Celery is not red, it's blue.
- What are you, stupid?
Celery is purple.
(overlapping argument)
- I don't know what color celery is.
I don't know what color anything is.
Everything just looks gray.
- Do you mean to tell me
that you can't see colors?
Well, neither can I.
- Okay, yeah, cards on the table,
I just see everything in shades of gray.
(indiscernible chattering)
- Wow, amazing.
Well chaps, it appears we
are all extremely colorblind.
- (chuckling) What are the odds of that?
- So you mean, all of
us have been fighting
Blue versus Red this whole time,
and nobody could see color?
- We were always on
opposite sides of the map.
And I always thought those
were random code names
like Delta Squad or Green Team.
- All right, everyone calm down.
Now, we had a way of
settling disputes like this
back on good ol' Cassio-P-I-A!.
- Meh, starts aren't planets.
- Yes they are, big glowing planets.
- Good, yes, fight!
- Wait, who the hell are you?
- Ah, I'm one of you Reds obviously.
- Deuce?
- I mean, us Reds.
Us Reds, yeah, see?
- Deuce, we all know it's you,
you've got a two on your shoulder.
- Ah, but our dear Regina
bears the same symbol.
- Yeah, and I'm clearly Red.
- Yeah, see, that's exactly
what Deuce would say.
- Reg is a girl.
- Damn right I am.
- Deuce, why the hell are you
trying to switch sides anyway?
- Uh, uh, you gotta answer him.
- All right, screw this,
I'm killing them both.
- Yes, excellent.
- What?
- Hey!
(soldiers shouting)
- (gasps) Wait, the guns.
Whoever shot Hutch will
be missing a bullet.
See, full clip, wasn't me!
So who's next?
How about you, Squatch?
(Squatch stuttering in panic)
- Come on Squatch, show us your gun.
- What's wrong, dear Squatch.
Something to hide?
- Fine, it was me, I killed Hutch.
(all gasp)
I didn't mean to, the lights
went out and I panicked.
I get jumpy in the dark.
I swear I didn't mean it.
- Whoa whoa whoa, wait just
a corn-shucking minute.
Now that I think about it,
I heard a shotgun go off.
That ain't a shotgun.
(suspenseful music)
- Well, chaps, it's been
fun, but I'm afraid-
- Wait, it was me.
(suspenseful music)
- Reg?
- You're such an idiot.
- Yeah, see, killing is
all I've ever been good at.
If we had peace,
I just don't know what I'd do.
- Thanks Deuce, but I'm
afraid I've got to come clean.
I shot Hutch, never trusted him.
When the lights went out,
I saw my opportunity to strike.
- What, I'm not lying Wynn.
I shot him too.
- I always envied Hutch's position.
I'd make for a much better leader,
just listen to my accent.
- But then that means-
- We all shot Hutch?
- Yes, except for Reg, it seems.
- (laughing) All right, you got me.
I swapped guns with
Hutch after I shot him.
You see, when I was first stationed here,
Hutch stole my rations
and from that day forward-
- All right, all right,
no one cares to hear your life story.
Well, shucks, we all shot him
at exactly the same time,
and exactly the same place.
- What are the odds of that?
- (laughing) Well, if we're being
completely honest with each other,
I think this is for the best.
I mean, I never really wanted peace.
- Oh, get out of town, I
don't want a truce either.
- Yeah, I was just kind of going along
with what everyone else seemed to want.
- Well, that is just too funny.
- You know, I'm glad we were able
to set our differences aside
and come to a unanimous
peaceful resolution.
(overlapping chatter)
(guns cock)
(gunshots blazing)
- [Narrator] A subsequent autopsy
revealed that Hutch died of a heart attack
immediately after the lights went out.
What a goddamn shame.
- [Vic] Alrighty amigo.
It's time for another
one of Vic's stories.
Now, this time I was
thinking of hitting you all
with the origin of-
- [Caboose] Friendship.
- [Vic] Whoa dude, how
did you get in here?
- [Caboose] I used the door.
- [Vic] You used the door?
To get into this fourth
wall-breaking episode prologue?
You found a door to do that?
- [Caboose] Yep, it next
to the broken window,
by the men's restroom.
- [Vic] I am not even mad.
Color me impressed.
- [Caboose] Thank you.
- [Vic] So did you, did you
have a story or something, dude?
- [Caboose] Oh yep, thank you for asking.
- [Vic] Well, all right blue
amigo, the floor is yours.
(beep)
(playful music)
- [Caboose] Hello, my name is Caboose.
Excuse me, yeah, I said Caboose.
Thank you.
Yeah, so anyway, for a really long time,
I lived in a canyon.
And it was pretty great.
I had friends.
They really liked me.
Yeah, I know what you are thinking.
But, not because I am psychic.
You're thinking, Caboose,
how did you get so good at making friends?
I'd like to make friends too.
We could have sandwiches together.
Well, I will tell you.
But only if you share those sandwiches,
and the damn peanut butter.
(playful music)
First, you need to know
what makes good-friend material.
Cotton is most people's
favorite friend material,
mainly because it is soft.
But in my personal experience,
it catches on fire pretty easy.
(fire crackling)
Other friend materials you
may want to avoid are cactus,
snow, water leftover from
melted snow, spiders, rock,
and imaginary.
Speaking from personal experience,
I really like metal.
(bang)
Metal is pretty much the best
material for making friends
because it is durable.
(shots blaring)
It is really strong.
(bang)
And even if it's a little cold at first,
it eventually warms up.
But now you have to figure out
what kind of friends you want to make.
(drill buzzing)
Sometimes it's good to have a friend
that listens to you when you talk.
Especially when you get to
the part where you saved them
and they called you a
hero, and not a bad name.
Other times it's good to have a friend
that will go on adventures with you.
They can push you outside
of your comfort zone.
(blast)
And you can push them back.
Just remember that being a friend
is sometimes pretty hard work.
You got friends who will
always be there for you
to give you a piggy-back
ride or murder evil soldiers.
But whenever your friends
are having a hard time,
you have to be there for them too.
Yep, friends are pretty great.
But there is nothing better
than having a best friend.
I mean, except for maybe ice cream,
or like a talking horse.
But best friends are the best
because they're the person you
can talk to about anything.
You can spend all your time
with them, tell them secrets.
You know, talk about how Tucker is stupid,
and I mean, he really is just,
he's just awful!
But sometimes, you will lose a friend.
Sometimes even your best friend.
Maybe you grow apart,
maybe you get into a fight,
maybe they're destroyed
in electromagnetic pulse.
These things happen.
It's just a sad, sad, sad,
sad, sad, sad, sad, sad,
sad part of life.
But you know, I think the
very best thing about friends,
Well, the thing most people
forget about anyways,
is that no matter how
many friends you do lose,
you can always make more.
And, that's pretty neat.
(wind whooshing)
- [Vic] Around the end of
their time in Blood Gulch
the Reds and Blues had a run-in
with one bad bro-chacho: the A.I. Omega.
AKA O'Malley, AKA Lord
Satan von Kills-A-Lot.
This duderino had a habit
of infecting people's brains
via their helmet radios,
and making them do all
sorts of evil stuff.
Yeah, I don't get how it works either,
but man, what I wouldn't give
to see what he saw inside of their heads.
If only there was some kind
of short story that was...
(laughing) Yeah!
(playful music)
- Come out so I can
shoot you you fuckstick!
- Where did Caboose go?
- I don't see him.
- Caboose!
- Come out Caboose!
All we wanna do is shoot you.
- Don't listen to them, it's a trick.
- [Tex] This is Freelancer Tex
broadcasting on an open channel.
- [Church] This is Private Church
broadcasting on an open channel.
- Why are the Blues on the radio?
- Who knows?
Hey Blues, shut the fuck up.
Get off our radios and quit
running our batteries down.
(evil laughter)
- Yes, your mind now belongs to me, Tex.
With your body, I shall
exact my diabolical...
Wait a minute.
What's this, are those?
No, no!
This is not the brain I meant to infest.
- Oh my, a guest.
Hello there.
We have a guest,
Grif, you idiot, fetch his coat
and get him a glass of
our finest Irish whiskey.
- (laughing) Do I have to?
I'm just so lazy and gross,
and I'm pretty sure I
disrespect you behind your back.
I just can't prove it yet.
- Don't make me repeat myself.
- Fine.
I don't respect you.
- (sighs) Sorry about that.
- I'm so happy you're here.
Welcome to Chez Simmon.
It's not often I have company.
- I'm leaving.
- What, but you just got
here, you can't leave.
- If you attempt to
hold me against my will,
I shall remove your eyes
from your tiny skull
and replace them with ping pong balls
with similar eyes drawn on them.
- This guy causing you trouble Simmons?
Stand down, Sarge, stand down.
I'm sure it's just a miscommunication.
Nothing to worry about.
- Understood,
but if he gets up to any
funny business, kapow!
- Excuse me.
- Oh Sarge, you're the
best commanding officer
a gentlemen could ask for.
- Well, that just means the
world to me coming from you son.
I don't mean son as a term of endearment
or as a celestial body,
but as a subtle way of telling you
that you're secretly my true offspring,
even though I'll never admit
it in public or to anyone else.
(groans) And here I thought
the blue one was delusional.
- Oh boy, I can't wait to show you around.
I've been planning for this
day for a very long time.
- You planned to have your mind invaded
by artificial intelligence?
- You can never be too careful.
Now first I have some
saved-up extra credit homework
from my 12th grade calculus class.
I figured we could do that together,
then daydream about all the pretty girls
I had a crush on in college.
I remember all of them.
They usually hang out next
to the repressed memories
I have of them rejecting me.
- And where is that?
- You know, I don't remember.
- I will not stand for this torture.
- Ah, not the face.
- Do it now, or I will
kill every last one of you,
and then everyone else here as
well, just to prove a point.
(evil laughter)
Wait a minute, who said that?
Did I say that?
We said it you fool,
I'm in control now. (laughing)
- Whoa, I sound badass.
Make me tell Grif to suck it.
- Suck it you fool, and
what's wrong with your voice?
- Nothing, why does something
have to be wrong with my voice?
Maybe something's wrong with your voice.
Ever think about that, cocksucker?
- Shit! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sarge is gonna kill me.
- I mean, cocksucker, Sir.
- There, happy you dimwit?
- Yep, nailed it asshole.
- Simmons is getting a promotion.
Ow, the back of my lower legs.
Ow, the side of my head,
the back of my face,
the front of my front.
- Hey wait,
Tex is beating us up.
- Tex?
- And give me the controls
back, you're doing it wrong.
Not a chance you paper-skinned nitwit!
Listen to me, you've been walked
all over your entire life.
Aren't you ready to take
charge and change that?
(evil laughter)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am.
I am ready.
- Good, good!
Then trust me, and together
we will rule this galaxy and-
- [Caboose] Church, are we
still talking on the radio?
- Oh, thank God, an exit.
- What, no, come back.
I said I was ready.
No! (sobbing)
- Hey, this is just like
that time with your dad.
- Shut up!
(laughing)
- 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio.
What, what am I doing in this idiot?
Hegagergerk!
- Ah, crap.
Sarge, I need you to do me a favor.
(overlapping argument)
- I am going to kill all of you.
- Ah, it's Tex, run away.
- Hey O'Malley.
- Well, look who it is.
- I don't wanna fight you.
I wanna talk.
- Oh, (laughing)
it appears you're finally
ready to play our little game.
Very well, let's talk Tex.
Assuming of course, no
one will barge in here
and force me out of this...
(groans) I can't help but feel
I set myself up for that one.
- Gentlemen and gentlemen,
please welcome the man of the hour,
Franklin Delano Donut.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
Thank you, thank you,
the pleasure is all mine.
- Oh, dear God, please tell
me I'm not where I think I am.
- Well, hey there Omega,
welcome to my lightish-red head.
- Do not ever call it that again.
- You got it, buddy.
The cool kids all call
it the Donut Hole anyway.
- Then my first order of business
will be murdering the cool kids.
(laughing)
- No, it's my body, it's my choice.
And another thing, why do I
do as much work as you guys,
but I only make 92%...
- Blast, where the devil am I now?
- Freeze, dirtbag.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- All right soldier, I want
rank and name on the pronto,
we've got a war to win.
- [Caboose] Alas, I have tripped!
- The Blues are scheming,
there's an evil AI on the loose,
and senility keeps trying
to overtake the hippocampus.
- And who are they?
(overlapping argument)
- Stress relief.
(weapon blasts)
- Well, I...
(weapon blats)
I'm really growing rather tired of this.
- 'Sup!
- What, no characteristic decorations,
no comedic interpretations.
- Eh, who's got time for that?
- You smell, and you're gross
and no one likes you
and everyone likes me.
Get back here you little shit.
- We're here, is anyone hurt?
- Anyone need to be
killed? (evil laughter)
- I know that laugh, nobody move.
- Ah, that's it!
I can't take anymore.
(growling)
Wait a minute.
This place, it feels familiar.
What is this?
(suspenseful music)
- Hey, so I guess you're
here to take over my brain.
- Wait, you're not going to oppose me?
- Look man, I've been running this mess
all by myself for years.
If you really want a
piece of this bullshit,
then by all means.
I really cannot be bothered
to care at this point.
- Yes, yes!
This is it!
Finally, I have never felt more at home.
I've never felt more alive.
This is it.
This is the beginning of the end for all.
Nothing can stop us now!
Yes, nothing can stop us!
Ah fuck.
(wind whooshing)
- [Vic] So, remember
when everybody thought
Church died and became a ghost, right?
Well, turns out he was
actually an AI program.
Spoiler alert!
Anyway, he eventually transferred
himself into a memory unit
with the hope of reuniting
with his ex-girlfriend Tex,
who was also a computer
person thing it turns out.
Yeah, love is complicated
like that I guess.
Anyway, Church tried to
relive his own memories
over and over again,
just hoping that one
day he would find Tex,
and they'd be together and
live happily ever after.
Only problem is,
sometimes he didn't exactly
remember everything right.
Second spoiler alert.
- Church, hey Church.
Church!
- Huh, what?
- I said, we could blow
up the whole goddamn world
with this thing.
- What, are you talking about Sheila?
- Who?
- The tank.
Oh wait right, that doesn't
happen till later, sorry.
- You named the tank Sheila?
- I, you know, yeah, yeah.
I mean she just kind of looks
like a Sheila to me, you know.
So, what were you saying?
- You know what, forget what I said.
We can definitely pick
up chicks in this thing.
Probably two or three chicks a piece.
- Oh man, listen to you.
What are you gonna do with two chicks?
- Church, like I've always said,
women are like Voltron.
The more you hook up, the better it gets.
And what chicks are we
gonna pick up exactly?
- What are you, the rookie?
We've got a whole base full of them
right here in the canyon.
- Yeah, but that's...
I'm sorry, what?
- [Caboose] Hey, I just
wanted to let you know,
the General stopped by
and picked up the flag.
Also, I think she likes me.
- What?
- Yeah, okay, whatever moron.
- Seriously dude, what's with this guy?
- I gotta go check on something.
(suspenseful music)
All right, don't panic, just think.
You're reliving your memories,
you're here to find Tex.
As long as you didn't
misremember anything,
you should be good.
Tucker's fine, Caboose is,
you know the way he is,
Canyon seems to be intact,
that means the only thing
I could have possibly gotten wrong is-
- Freeze, dirtbag!
- Well, shit!
Oh dear God in heaven, no.
- Stow it Blue.
Thought you could sneak
up on our base, did you?
Well, you gotta get up
pretty early in the morning
to pull one over on the Red Team,
and sunshine, it looks like you overslept.
- Sarge, is that you?
- Yes, I can surmise
being so swiftly out-maneuvered
by your enemy must be-
- This is so wrong.
This is so fucking wrong.
- Hey, do not interrupt
me while I'm berating you.
Now, hurry up and come with me.
You're my prisoner, blue boy.
Think I'm just gonna
let an enemy combatant
wander around out here
without taking action?
- Well, you know, never made
a big deal about it before.
(smack)
Oh, please tell me that was
the world's worst fever dream.
- [Simmons] The prisoner's awake ma'am.
- Ah, I need mental bleach,
or just regular bleach.
I don't wanna live in this world.
- Thanks for the sit-rep Private Simmons.
How are upgrades on the
defense network coming along?
- Almost finished, ma'am.
Just waiting on Grif to
calibrate the power couplings.
- Where am I?
What is with all that noise?
- Renovations to the base, of course.
What did you think,
we were just standing
around all day over here,
yammering about the mysteries of life?
We've got a war to win
son, and I intend to-
- This is Red base?
It's freaking huge.
(smack)
Ow!
- Simmons, if he interrupts me
again, shoot him in the lap.
- Yes ma'am.
- Oh.
- Yep, good old Blood
Gulch Outpost number one.
Seemed like it needed a
little something extra is all.
So we excavated new sub-levels,
set up perimeter defenses,
added a state-of-the-art
entertainment facility,
planted an herb garden,
installed a jacuzzi.
- Don't forget about the
new showerhead ma'am.
- Good point Simmons.
That is a damn fine showerhead,
with multiple pulse settings.
- Where'd you find time to do all of this?
Where'd it come from?
- Oh, not too long.
When did we get started Simmons?
- Uh, last week, ma'am.
- Hmm, seemed longer.
As for the supplies,
we just put in a requisition with Command.
- Wait, you mean we could have,
all we had to do was,
we just had to ask?
- Hey what's with all the shouting?
I'm trying to get some
beauty rest up here.
- Yeah, like rest is gonna fix that face.
- Oh God, just put a bullet in my head.
- Private Grif,
you're supposed to be
calibrating the power couplings.
- I know, that's why I told Donut to do it
once she got back with
the headlight fluid.
Delegation, bitch.
- I'm back, no headlight fluid.
But I got a flag thing,
it's in the dining room.
- The dining room?
Donut, don't you know anything
about interior decorating?
That cerulean flag is gonna clash
with everything in this base.
- Ma'am, who cares about decorating?
If it were up to me,
I'd get down on my hands and knees,
and I'd tear up all the
carpet in this base.
What's with the blue guy?
- I'm just, I know what I
should've expected from you.
I was just not ready for it.
- Hello, anybody home?
Damn, this place was a
lot bigger on the inside.
- Grif apprehend those enemy combatants.
- Uh, freeze?
- Hi Church.
- Tucker, Caboose,
the hell kind of rescue operation is this?
- Man, I'm not here for
you, I'm here for them.
- What?
- Hey baby, I've never been
with a plus-size girl before,
and I bet you've never hooked up
in an armored military tank.
How about we scratch a few things off our-
(blast interrupts speaker)
Ow, my lap.
- Plus-size my fat ass.
Oh, right.
- Bow chicka ow ow!
- Excellent work Private Grif.
We may make a respectable
soldier out of you yet.
- Well Sarge, it looks as though
we've successfully captured
the entire Blue Army.
- Indeed it does Simmons.
Radio Command immediately and
inform them of the good news.
- Yes ma'am.
And might I compliment you
on your decisive victory?
- You might.
(playful music)
- So what happens to us?
- Good question, dirtbag.
Ladies, let us discuss the terms
of the Blue Army's surrender.
Lopez! Lopez! Keep an eye on them.
- Si, senorita.
- This cannot possibly get- (blast)
(gunshots blaring)
(smack)
Tex?
Tex, oh my God!
Tex, you're here.
- Well, this seems to be
where all the action is.
- Tex, what's up with your voice filter?
- What voice filter?
- Uh, let me think
about this for a second.
Yeah, I'm cool with it but I'm out.
- [Tucker] Hey Church.
Church, Church!
- Huh, what?
- I was saying, how about you and me
go for a ride in this tank?
I can show you the cannon.
- Tucker, what the fuck is wrong with...
What the fuck is wrong with?
Oh, come on!
- [Vic] You ever have a
song stuck in your head?
Yeah, me too.
Over 5,000, to be exact.
Agent Florida downloaded
his entire music library
to my hard drives before kicking
the aspirin-filled bucket.
Dude was really big into Barenaked Ladies.
But for me, my heart
goes out to the classics:
hip hop, tejano folk
fusion, and musical theater.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You ever wonder why we're here ♪
♪ It's one of life's mysteries ♪
♪ Why are we standing here ♪
♪ Is there a plan ♪
♪ Is there a God ♪
- What?
No, I mean, why are we out here, singing?
♪ To kill them dirty Blues, ♪
♪ jazz hands. ♪
- Oh, Sarge, we didn't see you there.
- Boys, I've got some news
that's gonna blow your minds.
And those was dirty Blues
into teeny tinny pieces.
- I can hardly contain myself.
- We've just received
a new shipment of weaponry from Command
that fills my heart with
some sort of new emotion
I've never felt before.
It makes me feel warm and want to smile.
- Um, Sir, I think
that's called happiness.
- It's disgusting.
- So what the hell is it?
- Ladies, allow me to introduce you to,
the M41 surface-to-surface
rocket medium anti-vehicle assault weapon
But I like to call it The Spanker.
- The Spanker?
Why the hell would you call it that?
- I'm glad you asked.
♪ Well these letters on the side here ♪
♪ The big SPNKR ♪
♪ Stand for Sayonara,
See ya later, Au revoir ♪
♪ See the Blues have had it coming ♪
♪ With the fancy ghosts and tanks ♪
♪ But with this gun our battle's won ♪
♪ 'cause it don't just kill, it spanks ♪
♪ Ooh, Sarge that name
sounds really stupid ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Yeah, it's really not that great ♪
♪ Simmons ♪
♪ Oh come one, I kind of like that one ♪
♪ This is not up for debate ♪
♪ Well, if we put our heads together ♪
♪ We can find the perfect name. ♪
♪ Oh, can I go first by
head's fit to burst ♪
♪ Oh God, this is so lame ♪
♪ It's an RPG, a master key ♪
♪ A projectile wrecking ball ♪
♪ A big surprise, a little friend ♪
♪ Old Betsy and the law ♪
♪ This lazy boy, is my favorite toy ♪
♪ I'll tell you fellas why ♪
♪ You lock your load ♪
♪ It shoots, explodes ♪
♪ And you blow them Blues sky high ♪
- Yeah, no those all suck.
- Well, what would you suggest Grif?
- Something cool, like The Equalizer.
- The Equalizer?
- What, you got any better ideas?
- I do.
- No one cares.
♪ Now based on the range of impact ♪
♪ I'd call it Simmons' Blaster. ♪
♪ Why not Blue-Be-Gone, or Air Torpedo ♪
♪ Or why not Ass Disaster? ♪
♪ Those names are total garbage. ♪
♪ Oh right, as if you'd know ♪
♪ How about AT4, or Gjallahorn? ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ It's a BFG, Blues' Destiny,
Heat seeking dead mans bomb ♪
♪ Where death begins and their life ends ♪
♪ It's a hand held breath of god ♪
♪ Call it what you will ♪
♪ We gotta her set to kill, ♪
♪ Time to paint this canyon red ♪
♪ 'Cause this nuke tube,
Jack hammer, compensator ♪
♪ Gut slammer, Pez dispenser, boom stick ♪
♪ Chupa-Thingy, huge prick, ♪
♪ Iron Churro Assembled Gun,
Heavy Metal Big Bazooka! ♪
♪ Means the no-good Blues are dead ♪
- But, I mean, why can't we just call it
The Rocket Launcher?
- Because nothing rhymes with launcher.
- [Grif] Well.
- Now, come on,
we've got a whole crate
full of these babies.
It's time to devise our plan of attack.
- Oh, that is just great.
- What is it?
- What is it?
- Didn't you just see the
song and dance number?
- No, I can't see shit from up here.
- The Reds got a bunch of rocket launchers
and they're gonna attack Blue base.
- Oh, I've got an idea.
- You do?
- Yeah, how about you let me
use the goddamn sniper rifle
so I don't always have to
ask you to explain shit.
(Church sighs)
(bright music)
♪ Another day I'm stuck here ♪
♪ Another day goes by ♪
♪ Another day I ask myself ♪
♪ Why to I even try? ♪
♪ The shitheads all around me ♪
♪ They poke and prod and pry ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish that I'd just ♪
♪ die ♪
- Oh, come on Church,
your life's not that bad.
- Yeah, plus, you already died once.
- And whose fault was that Caboose?
- Tucker did it.
- Sheila did it.
- I would rather not get involved in this.
- All of you shut up, you
wanna know about my life,
I'll tell you.
♪ My nine to five is filled with misery ♪
♪ My girlfriend's always
such a bitch to me ♪
♪ I think my death counts pushing three ♪
♪ I just don't get how
this is hard to see ♪
♪ And as I lie awake at night ♪
♪ I just want to die ♪
♪ Oh please, you're overly dramatic ♪
♪ You're clearly asymptomatic ♪
♪ Your life is hardly that traumatic ♪
♪ But your girlfriend is half aquatic ♪
♪ You know I think I changed my mind ♪
♪ I wish you'd all die ♪
- Come on buddy, you've got
a good thing going for ya!
- Is that any way to talk to your team?
- Yeah, or your girlfriend?
(overlapping talk)
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Just shut the fuck up!
♪ Living here's not going well ♪
♪ This canyon's my detention cell! ♪
♪ I feel the need to scream and yell ♪
♪ I wish that you'd all burn in hell ♪
Oh, oh and it gets worse
I have been to jury duty 37 times
I always get the middle seat on flights.
Last year, no one wished
me a happy birthday
Fuck all of you.
Fuck everyone.
And fuck this fucking song.
- Uh, hey Church.
- What?
- The Reds are here.
- [Sarge] Attention Blue Team,
prepare for your inevitable demise.
- Yep, okay.
- Uh, stauncher, uh, sponsor.
- Sponsor doesn't rhyme with launcher.
- Dude, just roll with me on this okay,
I refuse to call these things-
- Men, prepare to fire,
your Name-Pending-Approval devices.
- Just call them fucking rocket launchers.
- Okay Church, what's the plan here?
- At this point, I'm just thinking
about letting them kill us all.
- You have got to be kidding.
- I'm really, truly not.
- Ready, aim-
- Church!
- Okay, I've got it.
- What?
- I'm definitely gonna let them shoot us.
- Fire!
(weapons clicking)
- Uh, Sarge.
- Yes Private Donut.
- Do these rocket launchers
feel a little light to you?
- Well, I just assumed
it was because I'm in
peak physical condition.
- Oh God, you've gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Holy shit, they don't have any ammo.
- Goddamn it.
- Why would Command
send us rocket launchers
with no rockets?
- Who is running this army?
- All right men, initiate plan B.
Let's bludgeon them to death!
- Bring it on, dead man.
(Sarge shouting)
- Wait, wait!
Sarge, why go with plan B
when we can go with plan D?
- What the hell is that, Plan Donut?
- Nope, the D stands for dance.
(upbeat music)
- Uh, what is happening right now?
- I don't know, I just
know that I hate it.
- Where is that music coming from?
- Come on everybody, let's shake it out.
- Well all right, a peaceful resolution.
- Set cannon to funk.
- Tucker, what the hell are you doing?
- I can't help it,
something's taking over.
- Oh yeah, move those treads.
♪ Everybody do-do the Chupacabra ♪
- Boosting initiated.
(Sheila singing)
- What the fuck is happening right now?
(music continues)
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do the Chupa! ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-ah-ah do the Chupa! ♪
♪ Do the chup-do the
chup-do the chup-do the- ♪
- Donut!
♪ Do the Chupa ♪
Donut!
- Huh?
- What the hell was that?
- I was telling the story of Blood Gulch.
- What kind of messed
up world do you live in?
- I don't know, but I think
he captured me pretty well.
- Donut, none of that shit ever happened.
- Well, maybe not in your version.
I decided to spice things up.
Add a little pizzazz.
The original version was so boring.
All we ever did was stand around and talk.
(clears throat)
- Yes, so did you actually have
song and dance numbers or...?
- (sighs) Let's take it from the top?
- [All] No.
- [Vic] All right dudes,
I gotta admit something
We're a few stories in now
and I've had to drain the old
hose since about episode two,
if you catch my drift.
Gotta make it my number one priority,
you know what I'm saying?
Been making a point to hydrate,
now I'm paying the price in
gold, if you're following me.
I'm saying I gotta pee.
Now, don't ask how a computer
program takes a leak.
Just watch these guys mess
around with some science stuff
while I'm gone.
(playful music)
(car engine roaring)
(upbeat music)
- Slow down, what's the hurry?
- I can't slow down, there's no time.
- Grif, I want an explanation
for this reckless driving assumption!
Why is the steering wheel on
the wrong side of the car?
- Wait, you mean you don't
know where we're going either?
- I merely assumed a bomb
had been planted inside the Warthog,
and it said explosive would detonate
if we dropped below 50 miles per hour.
Made sense to me and Lopez.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Will all of you shut up?
I'm trying to focus.
Focus on what?
Where are you taking us?
- [Caboose] Hi! Yeah, hey, uh, Red guys?
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know
that the power is still out at your base
and your ice cream is
getting pretty melty.
- No!
(car engine roaring)
- Ice cream, you're driving like a lunatic
to get some fucking ice cream?
- It's not just ice cream,
it's Rocky Road, Simmons.
- If Red Base doesn't have power,
that mean's we're completely defenseless.
Step on it dirtbag.
- What about Donut?
- Oh good, I sent him to the store
get me some parts to fix the
Warthog's power steering.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Speaking of rocky road, um...
- Grif, we're gonna crash, do something.
I don't know what to do,
the steering's not working.
- And this car bomb could
go off at any second.
(speaking in foreign language)
- All in favor of abandoning ship say aye.
- Aye!
- Tuck and roll Lopez!
(speaking in foreign language)
(Warthog crashing)
(playful music)
- Oh, dang-nabit!
- Welcome to a very special
Red versus Blue Immersion.
We've come out here to our
Rooster Teeth test canyon,
to run an experiment with
one of the most iconic,
and beloved video game
vehicles of all time,
the Halo Warthog.
Now, if you've ever played
the game Halo before,
the players can often drive the Jeep
in such a way that it ends up on its roof.
To get it back on its wheels,
all the player needs to
do is press a button,
and it'll turn itself over
in less than three seconds.
As you can see behind me,
we have placed a real life Warthog,
very delicately on its roof,
and we're gonna find out
what it takes to flip
a Warthog in real life.
And to help me conduct this experiment,
I have recruited a very special
lab-rat, Mr. Miles Luna.
- You know, I can't help but feel
like I was a little more
forced than recruited.
- Well, forcing is a very important part
of the Immersion
recruitment process Miles,
you should know that by now.
- Yeah.
- So would you say that you are familiar
with the Halo franchise?
- I would say that I am mildly
to moderately familiar with Halo.
- Okay, well then I'm sure
you've seen this scenario before then.
- Oh yeah, a thousand times.
- Okay, how would you
handle this in the game?
- Well, I'd just walk up to it,
hit that little (clicks) X button,
and we'd be right as rain.
- All right, well, since we
can't do that in real life,
our control today, and every
good experiment has a control,
is that Miles is gonna attempt
to flip the Warthog back over
using just his brute strength.
- Just me?
- Just you.
- Really?
- Yep.
- And we think that might work?
- Oh yeah.
- We're gonna through
that whole song and dance.
"Oh, he might do it, who knows?"
- What do I care, I'm not
the one wearing the armor.
I'm gonna go work on my tan.
- Great.
- All right Miles, you ready?
I want you to flip it in three, two,
I don't know why I'm timing this.
Just flip it, go!
(playful music)
Miles lift with your back,
not with your legs, come on.
- Who's your daddy?
Goddamn it!
Spartans never die, they're
just missing in action,
or on their back.
Get in with the hips.
Be forceful with it, just be forceful.
Don't be afraid.
There you go, good hustle.
- All right, well, that's
disappointing but predictable.
All right, come over here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Get in here.
But clearly that didn't go very well.
- What did you expect?
- Well, I don't know,
I thought maybe you'd flip it over.
You'd get hurt and that'd
be funny or something.
I thought you've been working out,
what happened with that?
- Well, not enough to lift two tons.
- All right, well, clearly
since one person cannot
flip the Warthog on his own,
we don't wanna give up, what
would be the fun in that?
Why don't we head back into the shop
and figure out what it's gonna take
to flip this bad boy over?
We've come out to the
Rooster Teeth Workshop
to show you exactly how we're
gonna get this enormous beast
back on its wheels.
And in order for us to do that,
we brought in our newest
scientist, Mr. Marcus LaPorte,
Marcus, what are our challenges
in getting this bad
boy back on its wheels?
- Okay, well, first and foremost,
we had to make this thing structural.
When we first got it, it
was really more decorative.
(upbeat rock music)
First, the Rooster Teeth effects team
will use steel plates to
reinforce the truck frame
so the Warthog can
actually sit upside down,
essentially creating a roll cage.
We will also weld large metal rings
to the body of the truck,
which will then be connected
by cable to a pneumatic ram.
The pneumatic ram will
use compressed nitrogen
to pull our vehicle back onto its wheels.
- In Halo, players flip the
Warthog in mere seconds.
To do that in real life,
we'll require between 1,000 and 1,500 PSI.
That's more than 37,000 pounds of force.
(bright music)
Okay, so if this goes, according to plan,
we should go from this, to that.
- You know, I get it.
- I know, I just wanted
to show you the model.
So Marcus, how are we
gonna set this thing off?
- All right, so here it is.
- Oh, we have an X button, that's awesome.
- Why does he get an X button?
- Because on the scientist,
what do you care?
- All right, I'm afraid to touch it.
So I hit this, and then
that Warthog flips?
- [Marcus] That's what we're hoping for.
- All right, let's count it down.
Three, two, one.
- Oh, shit!
(Burnie laughing)
- Hey, congratulations, that was awesome.
- That was fucking good.
- Wow,
that works a lot better
than you did Miles,
no offense.
- Thanks.
No, yeah, thank you.
- Well, since Miles obviously
could not flip it over on
his own, but science could,
our winner for today
is science, and Marcus.
- What do I get?
- You get to keep a suit of armor,
you get to wear it home.
(birds chirping)
- Jesus, could you guys
have taken any longer?
There's gonna be nothing left at the base
but ice cream soup,
which, I guess I'm actually okay with
when I say it out loud.
- You're fucking disgusting.
- Well, I never thought I'd say this,
but that was the best damn
episode of Red vs Blue
I've ever seen.
The only thing that could
possibly make it better,
would be a larger than life,
completely unnecessary
gratuitous explosion.
- Yeah, but there's no real
need for anything to explode.
It'd just be like shoehorning it in
for a spectacle at this point.
Well, what about that bomb in the Jeep?
(speaking in foreign language)
(bomb blasts)
- Huh, guess there was a bomb in the Jeep.
- Told you.
(speaking in foreign language)
- [Vic] Now, there was an
indiscriminate amount of time
between Tex and Junior
disappearing from Blood Gulch,
and then the gang getting split up
and reassigned by Project Freelancer.
You all remember that?
It was a strange time,
a time when the Reds and Blues
had become familiar with one another,
but were technically still at war,
but were simultaneously no
longer really giving a damn,
but were also not really
fond of one another.
Like I said, it was a strange time.
And strange things happen
when you're stuck in a canyon
with your worst friends/enemy/robot
companion/siblings.
Man, what a bunch of weirdos.
- [Tucker] Tight.
- Hey, the fuck are you
doing to our base, blue?
- Oh, hey guys,
I was just putting up some
flyers for my thing tonight.
I'm hosting a-
- Movie night, we figured it out.
- Awesome, well, I'm
keeping the film a secret,
but I can give you guys some hints.
It's a kick-ass crime caper
made by the most badass
filmmaker of all time.
- Come on Tucker, we
know it's Reservoir Dogs.
It's all ways Reservoir Dogs.
- I'm so sick of that movie.
- You can't get sick of
Reservoir Dogs, it's impossible.
It's the perfect movie.
Kick-ass dialogue,
kick-ass characters, Kick-ass ass kicking.
- Whoa, yeah, that sounds great, Tucker.
But we actually have
plans tonight for once.
- Yeah, Sarge says he's gonna make Grif
finish that squat, he started in basic.
On second thought, we'll be there.
(bright music)
- All right everyone,
remember we're calling
sanctuary, so no fighting.
- Well, I thought you could
only call sanctuary in a church.
- Yeah, huh, What do you want?
- This is a church, a cinema,
so grab some popcorn and shut up.
- Ooh, we have popcorn?
- Oh, no, not really.
Gentlemen, I've had your curiosity,
now I'd like your attention.
(speaking in foreign language)
A little background on our film tonight.
Before Quentin Tarantino
went on to dazzle audiences
with Kill Bill, Inglorious
Basterds and Pulp Fiction,
he made his first mark
on the cinematic world
with this stunning debut film,
a little movie I like
to call Reservoir Dogs.
- Hey Tucker, I was just
thinking, I've got an idea here.
What if we watched
literally anything else?
- Why would you wanna watch anything else?
- Firstly, because this
movie is older than Sarge.
- Yeah, and old things are totally gross.
- Hey, I'm not that old you
snot-gobbling whippersnapper.
Get off my lawn.
- I didn't know there
was a lawn here, sorry.
- Don't you guys get it?
It's still the only movie we have
in this godforsaken canyon.
It's got us by the balls.
- Great point,
so unless someone's hiding
Netflix in their armor-
- Lopez just left.
- You'll have to settle
for watching the greatest
film of all time again.
Caboose, the tape.
- Already set up!
- Oh, I don't think that's
gonna work, Caboose.
Why don't we just take the tape
out and play it in the VCR?
- I vote we try it, this
could definitely work.
- Seconded.
- Okay, get the light.
- No, Caboose wait!
(fire crackling)
- It broke, that is weird,
I don't know how that would happen.
- So since that thing is on fire,
should I still get the lights?
(playful music)
- Yo, Reds, anybody here?
- No, we packed up and left.
- Cut the crap, we
gotta talk about Tucker.
- Tucker?
Don't tell me he's still
upset about movie night.
- He's done nothing but sit in his room
and listen to Stuck in the
Middle With You on repeat.
- It could be worse.
- He's been doing it for almost six days.
That's like two weeks and Tucker time.
Yeah, so listen,
I feel somewhat responsible
for what happened,
and I would like to try to
make it up to him if I can.
Also, I gotta admit,
I'm about two songs away
from just covering myself in
gasoline and ending it all.
Are you guys gonna help me or what?
- What, out of the goodness of our hearts?
- Or boredom, what else are you gonna do?
- We're in.
- Hold on there Blue,
we're not agreeing to anything
just because we may lay down our arms
for a weekly movie night,
doesn't mean we're going to-
- You can play the lead.
- I'll get you my headshots.
(bright music)
- All right, now, for our remake,
we're all gonna be playing characters
from the movie Reservoir Dogs.
I figured we can make
just like a sizzle-reel
trailer, kind of a thing.
And just let Tucker direct the rest.
Otherwise we're all just
gonna have to listen to him
bitch about how we did it wrong.
Here are your character... (coughs)
I've got something in my throat.
Here are your characters.
Mr. Brown,
Mr. Blonde,
Mr. Blue,
Mr. Orange,
Mr. Black,
Mr. Pink, and I'm Mr. White.
- Wait, why am I Mr. Pink?
- Are you seriously asking that question?
- It's lightish-red,
I've told you guys a thousand times.
Who cares what character you play?
- That's easy for you to say.
You're Mr. White, you
have a cool sounding name.
Why can't we pick our characters?
(speaking in foreign language)
- If we pick our characters,
we're all gonna be fighting
over who gets to be Mr. Black.
- Thank God, Tex isn't here.
- Hey, how would you like to be
Mr. Has-a-fucking-hole-in-his-head,
and I'm not talking about your mouth.
I'm like talking about like
another hole in your head.
A new hole, I'm gonna shoot you.
You understand?
- I mean, it's a little wordy.
- Mr. Pink sound like a pansy.
Tell you what, how about I be Mr. Purple?
That sounds good to me.
- You're not Mr. Purple,
there's no Mr. Purple in the movie.
- We can change the movie.
I never liked how everyone
dies at the end anyway.
- Oh, come on, spoiler alert, somebody.
- How is that a spoiler?
We've watched that movie
together 10,000 times.
- Usually after the gunfire
I fall right to sleep.
- Hey Taran-terrible,
why the fuck am I not Mr. Blonde?
- Because you're a girl,
and also you're not blonde.
- Not on my head.
- That doesn't even...
Wait, what?
- Sister, there's no
girls in Reservoir Dogs,
go back to base.
- What about the all-female
remake they made,
You know, the terrible one?
- Reservoir Bitches, it was terrible.
- Fine, enjoy being sexist,
I'll go make my own movie.
And I'll only have girls.
Then we'll see who's sexist.
And where are you gonna get girls
to help you make an impromptu movie?
- I've done it before,
they didn't even care about the nudity
because women are professionals.
- Please do not tell anyone
else the things you just said.
- [Sister] I hate you!
You're just like mom and dad.
- [Grif] Ugh, I am shot.
- Hey, you cut that shit right now.
You're hurt, you're hurt real fucking bad
but you ain't dying.
Okay, trust me, I know
what that feels like.
- Ah, that heist, it went so bad.
And now I have been shot.
I am going to die, I know it.
- That heist went bad,
but you're not gonna die.
I'm, uh, line?
- [Simmons] I'm going to get you help.
- Right, I'm gonna get you help.
- [Grif] Herk.
- No, don't you herk
bleagh on me, you hold on.
- [Caboose] From the visionary brain
of Quentin Tar, tar, rantula.
In a movie where some people
like wearing the same clothes
and have colors for their names
decide to have a robbery heist
and also secretly, spoiler alert,
one of them is a cop.
I think one of us is secretly a cop.
- There is violence, and
guns, and shooting, and stuff.
- Bang pew, pew, bang.
- Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
- Oh no, according to the
script, I've been shot.
- Who the fuck gave him actual gasoline?
- I'm a method actor.
- Vagina power, down with
the men, suck my lady dick.
End women's suffrage,
we've suffered long enough.
- So yeah, it's still a rough cut.
- Dude, that was awesome.
- Oh, thank God.
So does this mean we get
to make the rest of it now?
As Quentin Tarantino would say,
let me suck on that bitch's toes.
- Ah-huh, I knew there
was a girl in the movie.
- Hey, you know what I was thinking?
What if we turned that
camera around on us?
Made a little documentary
about Blood Gulch,
and all our hanging out.
You know, slice of life kind of stuff.
- What kind of brain-dead lunatic
would watch something like that?
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- [Vic] Project Freelancer,
a military splinter organization
designed with one goal and one goal only,
create the greatest soldiers
the galaxy has ever seen.
But if you really wanna
find who's the best,
well, that means you gotta
sort through the worst.
(bright music)
- Oh yeah, oh yeah, Project Freelancer.
You made it baby, you made it,
you are finally with the best,
you are finally with the best of the best,
you are the best, you're the best around.
Oh yeah, baby, you are the best around.
Nothing's ever gonna bring you down.
- Hi Ohio!
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Iowa.
You don't have to yell.
- Sometimes I forget.
Sometimes I forget how to
talk with these helmets on.
- You just talk.
You don't have to do anything different.
- Come on, lay off Ohio.
You know he hasn't been the same
since the training incident.
It wasn't a big deal,
your suit stopped feeding you oxygen.
- I was fine.
- For 20 minutes?
- But I got the best record
for holding my breath.
- Congratulations, you're
real Freelancer material.
- Oh, Iowa, I got a new one for you.
- Tell me.
- Dungeons and Dragons,
five things you don't wanna
make saving throws against, go.
- Ooh, nice, okay.
Poison.
- One.
- A fireball.
- Two.
- A poisoned fireball.
That's not a thing.
- It could be.
- Fine, I'll give it to you, three.
- A Super Saiyan.
- (makes buzzer noise) Never
gonna happen in my campaign.
- I'm just saying it's not something
I would wanna make a savings throw against
because if Super Saiyan Goku comes up
it means I'm not playing with you anymore,
and that would make me sad.
- Oh, that's sweet, point conceded, four.
- An avalanche.
- Five.
- Oh, will you guys just knock it off
with five things for once?
See this, this,
this is exactly why we never
get mission assignments.
- Who crapped in your
Cheerios this morning?
You usually love that game.
- I do not love that game.
I just play it when I'm bored.
- Which is all the time.
- Because we never get
mission assignments.
- You don't have to yell
when you're wearing the helmet, Ohio.
- You know what, bite me corndog.
- Oh, I get it,
this is because of the
new rankings, isn't it?
- (strained noise)
Probably, I don't know, yes.
(sighs) I mean, I just thought,
I just thought maybe
this would be the time
we wouldn't be dead last.
You know, the time where we
actually get to do something,.
I need an objective guys, a purpose.
Anything's better than
sitting around this ship
hoping we'll get noticed.
- We do things, we get noticed.
- Yeah, everyone was
talking about me last week.
- That's because you
demolished 12 Mongooses,
wait, Mongeese?
Mon, whatever.
12, in the last training session alone.
(Mongooses crashing)
- I'm not a very strong driver.
- Stop shouting!
- Sorry.
- Uh-oh, single digits incoming.
- Oh my God, they are just too cool.
- [Iowa] Hey, look whose with them.
Can you believe Wash and C.T.
got called up to the top group?
- Do you think they'll
still eat lunch with us?
- Well, well, well, if
it isn't the triplets.
- Here we go.
- Yo, what'd you say Sputnik.
- Oh, he was just saying
that you guys are so great, Georgia.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah, I mean, you are
like total role models for us.
And maybe if we work hard then
maybe we'll get called up,
like David and Connie one da...
I mean, Wash and C.T., yeah.
- Sure, good luck with
that kid. (laughing)
- Oh, five meats that you
think wouldn't be delicious
but are totally delicious, go.
- Iowa!
- Beef's tongue.
- One.
- Guys, stop being idiots.
- What the hell are you guys doing?
- Pork cheek, the face,
the face meat of the pig.
- Two.
- No guys, shut up,
you are embarrassing yourselves!
- No, we're not.
- Yeah Ohio, we're totally cool, spider!
(gunshots blazing)
I got him.
- Okay, we're gonna go now.
- Yeah, some of us have
actual missions to train for.
- Have fun cleaning our gear
when we're done, triplets.
- Christ, they were weird.
- Oh my God, I am so mortified, you guys.
- Don't worry about it.
- How come those guys
always call us the triplets?
We aren't related or anything.
- They can be kind of mean.
They're just under a lot of pressure.
Try not to take it personally.
- But you guys are fine, right?
I mean we're all okay, right?
- Of course, we're friends.
Just don't call me David, okay?
This unit takes that kind
of stuff pretty seriously.
- You got it boss.
- Wash, we should get going.
We don't wanna be late.
- See you at lunch.
- Yeah, sure.
- Well, that went pretty well.
- Five things you'd wanna have for lunch.
- Food.
- One.
- Guys, stop!
- Can't you be serious
for once in your life?
I mean, you saw how they treated us.
Even our friends.
- C.T.'s still got our backs,
but yeah, I see what you mean.
Pretty sure we've lost Wash.
- Well, I still think
that guy's pretty cool.
- (scoffs) Cool.
Come on, they're not the
only one with training ops.
They want cool, let's show them cool.
- [Announcer] Training session
begin in three, two, one.
(upbeat music)
(gunshots blaring)
(shouting indistinctly)
(soldier groaning)
- Where was this thingy?
(upbeat music)
- This is so not cool.
- Could you not stand so close to me?
(upbeat music)
(gunshots blazing)
(engine roaring)
(Mongoose explodes)
- Oh man!
Five things you'd rather be doing, go.
- Anything.
- One.
- Something else.
- Two.
- Not this.
- Three.
- Contemplating the futility
of existence in a coffee shop.
- Four.
- Seems like your heart's
not really in this O.
- Your mom.
- Ooh snap, that's our girl.
(playful music)
- Yay, it's assignment day.
Iowa, for fuck's sake,
why did you have to crash that Mongoose?
- I technically didn't have to.
It was more like, why did the Mongoose
wanna crash me into the wall?
- [Idaho] That's not how driving works.
- [Iowa] Apparently not.
- [Ohio] Oh, we are never
gonna get noticed around here.
(doors closing)
- [Counselor] Agent's
Ohio, Idaho, and Iowa.
I am so glad we were able
to find the time to
talk to you in private.
While the rest of the freelancers
are receiving their weekly duties,
the Director has a special
assignment for you.
- You were saying?
- For us? Really?
- [Counselor] We have
received intelligence
about suspicious activity
on a strategic outpost
that warrants further investigation.
The Director believes
your particular skillsets
are more suited for the mission.
- Oh, a mission?
- We have skillsets?
- [Counselor] Yes, you most assuredly do.
- But we're not really good at anything.
- [Counselor] As you may have noticed,
you consistently rank toward the bottom
of our regular assessment
of the abilities of members
of Project Freelancer.
- No shit Sherlock.
- [Counselor] But as you also know,
most operations happen in
teams of three or four.
In this regard, you have
shown remarkable cohesion.
In fact, in assessing your
abilities to work as a group,
you rank at the top of that metric.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
I mean, thank you sir.
- [Counselor] We are
confident in your abilities.
Now, please prepare your equipment.
The drop ship departs at 0900.
(door opens)
- Oh, oh, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
- What is it O?
- This is our big break.
If we do this mission right,
people will have to take us seriously.
All we have to do is work as a team.
But teams still have to do, you know,
have people do individual things.
Things that we're not good at.
As far as I can tell,
we're just really good
at being equally sucky.
- Do not shit on my parade, Idaho.
- Oh wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.
- What?
- I don't have to fly us there, do I?
- [Four Seven N iner] All right you three,
this is our drop point.
Good luck, okay?
- [Iowa] When do we call
you to bring us back?
- [Woman] Jump in three, two, one.
(triplets screaming)
(wind whooshing)
- [Idaho] Here's our big chance, she says.
- [Ohio] Idaho.
- [Idaho] Here's our big
break, gonna finally get
to hang out with the cool kids she says.
- [Ohio] I'm right here.
- Oh, I know, that's why I'm saying it.
- Oh, thanks, I really
appreciate it Spuds Mackenzie.
- Is that a fucking potato pun?
You know, I didn't get to choose
which state got assigned to me, right?
- No, no, why don't you tell me
more about the project, asshole.
- Okay, fine.
I'll tell you more, when you
tell me more about the mission.
- We have gone over this.
- You know it's not really a mission,
if the mission doesn't have
a specific objective, right?
- (stuttering) They forgot to
send the mission objective.
You know?
Something got disrupted in
the downloads (stuttering).
There's gotta be an explanation.
- There is, I've been telling you.
There is no mission.
They just dropped us here.
- I know, okay.
Okay, I get it, (sobbing)
I get it.
- Really, crying?
(Ohio crying)
- I hate my life.
- I didn't wanna believe it either,
but it seems pretty obvious.
- I know.
Oh my God, it's one big
fucking metaphor, isn't it?
I mean, they are freezing
us out of the program.
They dropped us here
because this is one giant
cold shoulder of a planet,
and this is what we deserve.
You know, just let us
slowly die of hypothermia
over the course of several months on this,
what is the name of this planet anyway?
Snowball? Deep Freeze?
(somber music)
All I wanted was one assignment.
You know, just one chance
to be given a purpose.
I've been trying too hard.
And the thing is, I was
trying not to do that,
you know, as a woman.
- What does that even mean?
- The top women here
are either total hard-charging badasses
or phoney-as-shit little ingenues.
All I want is meaningful work
while still being myself.
- Which is what exactly?
- A dork, a fuck up.
Just, I don't know a person who likes
geeking out about Kung
Fu movies with you idiots
and eating cake after midnight.
And who also happens to
be a pretty good shot.
- But not a good enough shot
to get sent on an actual mission, right?
- No, I suppose not.
Better shot than you though.
- [Iowa] Guys! Guys, I found something!
- What did you say?
Crap, he's turning around.
(explosion)
- [Iowa] I found the mission.
- [Ohio] And you are sure it's a base.
- And not like, you got too
much snow in your helmet
and got brain frostbite, and
had a near-death experience
where you hallucinated we
were finally on a mission?
- Well,-
- Ah, ah, ah, focus.
Are you sure?
- Fact, I saw a base
on the other side of a big
bridge I had to go across.
Fact, I saw a base and crossed the bridge
after I got snow in my helmet.
Fact, I went up to the
base and I touched it.
Fact, I touched it with my tongue.
It got stuck until I breathed hot on it.
- Jesus, you licked the base?
- I knew you were gonna
ask me if it was real
because after I put on my
helmet filled with snow,
how could I be sure?
- And then you thought
of the least likely way
you could prove that it was real.
- Yep, I licked it, I licked the base.
- Oh yeah, then what did it taste like?
- A white Russian, but not like
a person of Russian descent,
like the drink.
- Iowa, you are really
and truly a fucking moron.
- Come O, you said you
wanted an objective?
- Well, I guess it's either
sit here and freeze to death,
or go check it out and freeze to death.
- Mission!
- [Idaho] I'll be damned,
there really is a giant bridge.
- [Ohio] Well, now I wanna
know how he got up there.
Finger strength, man.
- You always were a good climber.
Wait, is that a path over there?
Why didn't you just take the path?
- I did, on the way down.
- Oh my God, my thoughts exactly.
- No, guys, there are soldiers up there.
- What?
- Come on, we're getting up to that bridge
for a closer look.
- What are they doing?
- That's what I'm trying to figure out.
They're just standing there talking.
- Is one of them the
guy who licked our base?
- Yep, and he brought company, two more.
- Who the hell licks a base,
especially in the cold?
- Oh wait, looks like they're on the move.
- Maybe this has something
to do with our mission.
- How many times do I
have to tell you guys?
There is no mission.
Charon Industries abandoned us here.
- Well, at least they left us with booze,
who wants another White Russian?
- Well maybe if you would've
let us take that guy out
when he was stuck to
our base by his tongue,
that could have become our mission.
- Oh yeah, but wait,
Sherry's pretty smart.
Maybe she knew that our mission was a test
to realize there isn't a mission.
And we did the right thing
by not killing that guy,
in which case-
- Mission accomplished.
- Yeah baby.
- There isn't a goddamn mission.
- That's what she said.
- (laughing) Nice.
- You realize this is why
they dumped us here, right?
You're incompetent, he's incompetent,
talking to you makes me incompetent.
Killing us and touching our dead bodies
would have only made them in competent.
It was their only choice.
- I'm pro-choice by the way,
just wanted you to know
that for future reference.
- [Woman] Good for you, Terrill,
you want a cookie?
- [Terrill] No, man, I
just like choices, jeez.
- Oh-oh.
- What is it?
- Looks like our friends
made it up to the bridge.
- Okay, I'll go make us
some drinks to celebrate.
- You think they see us?
- Maybe.
No wait, one of them is making cocktails.
I think we're good.
- You think they know how to
make a whiskey on the rocks?
- God, I hope so.
- Will you two please just focus for once?
This might actually be my
chance at an actual mission
and I will not have you
two losers ruin it for me.
What?
- Ohio.
- What?
- Fuck it, Vera, can I call you Vera?
- I mean, sure, I guess, what is it?
- It's just, it really hurts my feelings
when you call us losers.
- What?
- I mean, it's like you
don't value me or Mike.
We're just your temporary friends
and you're only waiting
for the chance to trade up.
And I mean, if that's how you
feel, that's how you feel,
but I mean...
- Oh man, Idaho, Ezra,
I don't feel that...
I'm sorry, I guess this is,
I mean, what I'm trying to say, look...
Guys, I know I can be a
bit of a hard-ass but,
don't make me get all mushy, okay.
You're okay, okay?
You too, Mike.
- Aw!
- Hey, we're supposed to
be the best at being us.
- Yeah, and what's that?
- A team.
So if we're gonna win,
or if we're gonna suck,
let's just do it together.
(sighs)
- Roger that.
Now just this once,
let's mission the shit
out of this thing, okay?
- Okay.
- Let me do the talking.
And whatever happens,
happens to all of us.
- Okay.
- Hey, you guys know how to
make a whiskey on the rocks?
You put ice in it, it's pretty easy!
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- Hey, what the hell do
you think you're doing?
- We're coming to investigate your base.
- What don't you understand
about let me do the talking?
- Why did your guy put
his tongue on our base?
- It's a long story.
- We got nothing but time.
- Are you guys a test?
- A what?
- A test.
We're from Charon Industries
and we're waiting to find out
what we're here for.
- Ex-Charon Industries.
We're not really waiting
for anything though,
except maybe like a quick merciful death.
- Are you the leader?
We don't exactly have a
chain of command anymore.
I'm mostly in charge though,
because I'm not a complete
fucking waste of brain cells.
My name's Sherry, this
is my partner, Darryl,
this is my other partner, Terrill.
- Hi.
- Ohio, Idaho, Iowa, agents
of Project Freelancer.
- Let me guess, you guys got dumped here.
- How did you know?
- Body language.
That, and there's no reason to come here
for anyone, like ever.
- Good eye.
- Yeah, it's a fun party
trick, only thing I'm good at.
Got more if you want.
- Really?
- You, you're the one that
just wants to go unnoticed.
- You used to love her,
but you've accepted that
she likes the ladies.
- Hey, how did you?
- Come on girl, it is obvious.
- Maybe you guys can date.
- And now one got messed up somehow,
but he has the most upbeat
attitude, so net-net I guess.
Here, we'll come over,
we can compare notes.
- Okay.
- You used to what me?
- Yeah, hey let's just move past this.
(bright music)
- [Sherry] We were the
worst soldiers of our unit.
- Us too.
- Terrill here, he detonated a base
trying to heat up a cup of coffee.
- Who puts the
fire-all-the-missiles button,
right next to the microwave?
- Pretty sure they were just expecting us
to accidentally fall down a
ravine or blow up our base
and save themselves the
trouble of a coverup.
- Stone cold-hearted man.
- Tell me about it.
- God fucking damn it.
Fuck my life, seriously.
Our one chance at a real
assignment, and we meet you guys.
- Oh, you're a real charmer.
- Boss, I like her, seriously.
Are you gonna date?
- The long and short of it
is, we're fuck ups, like you.
We're all stranded here,
we'll all die here, and
we'll all be forgotten.
(somber music)
- Well, at least we can do it together.
- Hey, yeah.
- Together,
- Together.
- You know, I think I
just learned something.
It doesn't matter if the rest of the world
wants to push you away.
As long as you find friendship in...
Ice spider!
(gunshots blaring)
Oh god, it's going,
it's going up your leg!
- Oh, he shot me!
- You bastards, I'll kill you.
- Iowa, get under cover.
- Goddamn it.
- Goddamn it.
- This happen often?
- Yeah.
But not as often as, nevermind.
- Man, I just wanted,
I just wanted a chance.
To be given a mission,
to be given a purpose.
- You want a purpose?
- Yeah, I really do.
- (chuckling softly) Me too.
(shots firing)
- Oh, shit!
You shot me.
The fuck did you do that for?
- Giving us all a reason
to be out here bitch.
- What are you, crazy?
- Yeah, probably.
But I'm done waiting on
someone to give me a purpose.
I'm making one for myself.
- Ohio, come on, we
have to get out of here.
- You're going down sweet cheeks.
- Oh, that's the spirit.
It's a shame though, you
actually seem like my type.
Come on guys, let's roll out.
- What, what did you do?
- I just gave us a purpose for being here.
- Which is?
- To keep an eye on those assholes.
- All I wanted to do
was kill the ice spider.
- But they just said they
aren't doing anything.
Why do we need to watch them?
- That's where you're wrong,
they are doing something now,
they are watching us
because now we've shot two of them.
- Seriously, you're saying
the only reason we need to be here
is because they have a base over there,
and the only reason they need
a base is because we are here.
- (giggles) Yes.
We finally have a purpose in life.
Isn't it glorious?
- You guys are a bunch
of psychotic assholes.
- You'll thank me later fuckface.
- You're super uncool,
you know that, right?
You're all losers.
- Yup, and I wouldn't
have it any other way.
(somber music)
- I haven't seen the triplets in a while.
I was gonna join them for lunch.
- You didn't hear?
- No, hear what?
- They dropped out of
the program or something.
It's pretty hush-hush.
- Man, nobody ever tells me anything.
- Who cares, they were never gonna amount
to anything anyway.
Best we just forget about them.
- Sure, I guess so.
- Hey, five things nobody
ever tells Wash, go.
- He's a dork.
- Hey.
- One.
- He's gullible.
- Oh, two.
- I am not.
- He's got something in his teeth.
- Wait, I do?
- (laughing) Three.
- [Vic] Since the beginning,
a single question has plagued the minds
of Red vs. Blue fans everywhere.
No, it's not you ever
wonder why we're here,
God knows we've run that
one into the ground.
Nope, the question is simple.
Red Team or Blue Team.
Well, clearly there's only one
logical way to settle this.
A battle of wits and rhymes.
Word to your mothers.
- Hey there.
Hey there recording guy,
what's the order of this, this rap battle?
- Hey guys, am I going
first or is he going first?
- Does it go him then me then me then him
then me then him me?
- It's Red versus Blue, he
should go first, he's Red.
- Or does it go me him him me
him him me me me me me him?
- It's the fight of
the ages, Red vs. Blue.
By the end this battle,
you'll finally see...
What is that, is that even a sentence,
why did we let an Achievement
Hunter write this stuff?
- When do I get my bling?
The Warthog needs spinners.
- Who's going first in this
thing, am I going first?
All right, let's do this.
- [Announcer] It's time for
Rooster Teeth Throw Down.
Leonard Church vs Sarge.
Rappers ready?
Throw Down!
♪ It the fight of the
ages! Red versus Blue ♪
♪ Or it would be if
anybody cared about you ♪
♪ By the end of this
battle you'll finally see ♪
♪ Leader of a real team ain't
as easy as it seems to be ♪
♪ You're trying to mold
three wimps into men ♪
♪ I run the suit of the biggest
badass there's ever been ♪
♪ Your shotgun's primed for a
war you've been storming up ♪
♪ But back away my laser
face has started warming up ♪
♪ Hate the people on you team
and can barely control them ♪
♪ Got your ass kicked
by Freelancers, Sarge ♪
♪ While I owned them ♪
♪ The Director, a machine
you're a cadencing shmuck ♪
♪ Can't rap against a ghost
so boo you motherfuck ♪
♪ My story's what fans and critics adore ♪
♪ I'll sum up yours in one word "snore" ♪
♪ This is all getting real,
bitch, this isn't a game ♪
♪ All the call you is Sarge ♪
♪ That's not even a name ♪
♪ Your rap is finally
over, the fat lady said ♪
♪ I'll kick your ass three times ♪
♪ With a left, right, left ♪
♪ Sarge isn't a name, it's superiority ♪
♪ Unlike yours, my team respects
enough to bury dead me ♪
♪ You got rhymes more fruity
than a strawberry Yoo-Hoo ♪
♪ I'll rip you so hard your
whole team will go "blue-hoo" ♪
♪ You say you're a leader
oh man, that's a riot ♪
♪ This sergeant's loading up ♪
♪ To kick you straight in the privates ♪
♪ Red wins, blue sucks
how it's always ended ♪
♪ Wipe this scum from the
earth as God intended ♪
♪ So death to the Blues
on the beautiful day ♪
♪ Rotting up like roadkill
on a lonely highway ♪
♪ And one day we'll sit
around a tattered blue flag ♪
♪ Stepping on the necks of
you broken battered dirtbags ♪
♪ Nothing you can say can stand up to me ♪
♪ So drop, bluetard,
and give me infinite ♪
♪ That's cute, look at you ♪
♪ You're thinking you're still relevant ♪
♪ Since reconstruction hit, ♪
♪ you're completely insignificant ♪
♪ You're an old hasbeen
who's still trying to prove ♪
♪ He's just as good as
he was back in 1952 ♪
♪ Goddamn I really died for this war? ♪
♪ You're the only one caring about ♪
♪ this motherfucking score ♪
♪ If I actually tried
you'd be down in one go ♪
♪ Also brown-nose, rust-boat,
wide-load and Delano ♪
♪ Red sucks, deal with it ♪
♪ And let me just remind you that ♪
♪ It's because of me,
RVB went past season 3 ♪
♪ You stepped up to a
game you can't play ♪
♪ Church is in session ♪
♪ So maybe you should stop and pray ♪
♪ Your days are numbered
you scruffy nerf herder ♪
♪ I got a brain full of beats
and a boner for murder ♪
♪ A case of blue like yours
calls for proper medication ♪
♪ Got a shotgun full of pills
for your insubordination ♪
♪ Glory to the Red Team
and extra glory to me ♪
♪ I need a proper victory ♪
♪ so who's in charge of the confetti ♪
♪ You're an old computer
program with a virus maybe ♪
♪ I'll wipe your hard-drive clean ♪
♪ With the treads of my Chupababy ♪
♪ We're just better,
that's not gonna change ♪
♪ So take a step closer
into face-stabbing range ♪
♪ Your fall's a matter of
"when" not a matter of "if" ♪
♪ My second shell is for you
I'm saving the first for Grif ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Oh, put away the threats
and the knuckle cracks ♪
♪ I told you to stay out of this ♪
♪ Dude just relax ♪
♪ These guys wanna fight and
hey, we're supporting it ♪
♪ But now we're chiming in on the rhyme ♪
♪ How unfortunate ♪
♪ See we're just better, in every way ♪
♪ What you've done in your
life I've done in a day ♪
♪ We're perfectly crafted,
cunning, killing machines ♪
♪ The two baddest of the
mercenary space marines ♪
♪ I'm a supreme know-it-all
when it comes to a knife ♪
♪ Close-Range combat's
how I'm living my life ♪
♪ Then couple me up with
an invisible dread ♪
♪ By the time you see
me you're already dead ♪
♪ How'd you both get teams
following your command? ♪
♪ When you can count your
IQ on a single hand? ♪
♪ I can't believe this fake
battle's caused this much fuss ♪
♪ 'Cause the way I see it ♪
♪ You're just practice for us ♪
♪ Calling Epsilon, the
Alpha the Director online ♪
♪ RVB is just a tale that
my life story designed ♪
♪ When I powered Tucker's
suit my tale came to an end ♪
♪ I know that's hard to explain
to a dude with no friends ♪
♪ Friends don't make you smile
in this battle-scarred hell ♪
♪ What made me smile was
watching you dissolve yourself ♪
♪ But you tried your damned
best so don't take it too hard ♪
♪ But it's time to suck it
Blue you just got Sarged ♪
(upbeat music)
- [Vic] Now, I know it's been
a while since we covered it,
but for this last piece,
I'd like to bring up the
whole Multiverse Theory again.
See, I was digging through my archives
and I found something ca-razy.
I mean seriously dude, C-A-R-AZY.
It's a theory about a universe
where Red vs. Blue is just a cartoon,
made by a bunch of losers in Texas.
I mean, talk about far-fetched.
But still, seemed entertaining enough,
so let's just humor the idea.
(metal clanking)
- Oh yeah, that's it Lopez.
Way to bend over and work those nuts.
Grab that shaft.
Give them a good screw.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I still don't understand
how our teleporter keeps breaking.
Who could be taking parts out of it?
- Well, certainly no one building
a secret Physical Location
Object Transfer device,
sometimes referred to as a
P.L.O.T. device for short,
not that I would know.
- Teleporter, shmeleporter,
I already tried telling him
all you have to do is turn the power off,
and then turn it back on.
Problem will fix itself.
It's proven science like global cooling.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Muchos amigos, Kimosabe!
Simmons, activate Red Base
Teleporter number one.
(teleporter powering on)
- Whoa, what's wrong with this thing?
- Oh God, it's drawing too much power.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Look out everyone, incoming.
(soldiers shouting drowns out speaker)
- Hello.
- Well, that was anti-climactic.
- It sure was.
And I really wanted to
climax with all you guys.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Ha, stupid Blue, you
walked right into the trap
we didn't even know we had set.
- Which means you is
even dumber than us is.
- Caboose, why were you in our teleporter?
- Well, I was playing
hide and seek with Tucker,
and crawled into the deep
freezer, my favorite hiding spot,
when I saw a bright light.
- Wait, cut!
Guys, what are you doing?
Okay, those are Caboose's lines,
you're bobbing to the wrong heads,
the Blue guy, not the Red guy.
- Oh, son of a bitch,
there's too many damn
colors in this goddamn show.
- I know, it's so confusing.
- Guys, please, you know I hate it
when I can't tell if you're
being sarcastic or not, right?
So could you just, reason with me here?
- Oh, Mr. Miles Luna can't
tell if we're being sarcastic.
Mr. Writer gotta use the big words,
like sarcastic.
- That's a standard word dude,
that's like a basic word.
- Spell it in a sentence
for me, sarcastic.
(overlapping argument)
- Well, well, well,
if it isn't another episode
of Red vs Blue in production,
what a lovable collection
of bickering morons.
Of course the actual
characters in the actual show
are funny, but I guess you
dipshits are even funnier.
- (laughing) Burnie, so good to see you.
Look, it's getting late, we
have a tight schedule here,
and all we have left to drink
are these Rocket Rooster energy drinks
that Matt keeps forcing on everyone.
- That's because it gives you
a magical level of efficiency, Miles.
- It also turns my ass into
a magical mudslide, Burnie.
- [Miles] What do you want?
- Oh, I don't know, Miles.
Maybe I wanna save the
legacy of my inspiring career
from the millennial hacks
that have taken over my show.
You know, back when we
worked on Red vs Blue,
we actually gave a shit.
Isn't that right Geoff?
- I don't remember.
- How do you not remember,
you worked on the show for like six years.
- I drank a lot.
- All right, well gramps,
thanks for stopping by,
but I think it's time you two
just shuffled on outta here
if you wanna catch that
early-bird special.
I hear the senior
discount ends at 5:00 PM.
- (laughing) That's 'cause they're old!
- Feel the Burnie, burn.
- [Miles] You got there, no
you got there, that was good.
- Okay, all right.
Well, I guess you guys think
that you're pretty hot shit, huh?
Well guess what, we are the
hottest shit that there is.
In fact we are so hot, we're
like a giant bag of shit
that's lit on fire,
and then you put on your
neighbor's doorstep,
ring the doorbell, and run away
in the middle of the night.
And then your neighbor comes
out in his robe and slippers
and he's like, "What's this,
oh, it's a huge burning
bag on my doorstep.
I better put that out."
So he starts stomping on it.
He's stomping on the fire.
But guess what? he's not stomping on fire,
he's stomping on shit.
And that hot shit that's on
the bottom of his slipper.
That's us.
- That's a really weird metaphor.
- You're a really fucking weird
metaphor, am I right Geoff?
- I don't know.
- How can you not know,
it's not that hard.
- I still drink a lot.
- Gentlemen, I think it's
time you moved on, okay?
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we gotta get back to adding three dozen
brand new pivotal characters
to this season's story arc.
Later.
- I made pivotal characters.
Come on Geoff, let's go.
- Yeah, let's go Geoff.
- You know your job.
(overlapping dialogue)
- That was awesome.
- All right, now, was that
a sarcastic high-five,
or a serious one?
I just don't wanna go down
this road again, okay?
- What does sarcastic mean?
- Son of a bitch.
How can they be so arrogant?
No one's better than me.
You know, we need to put
those guys in their place.
But how?
- We can convince them
to make some kind of permanent
change to their appearance,
like a mark or a design
or something on their skin
that seems super cool at
first, but after 14 years
or so seems ever so slightly less cool.
No, who am I kidding?
Nobody's dumb enough to
fall for that repeatedly.
- No, nobody's that dumb.
What we need is
a simple solution.
(laughing maniacally)
- Like the Nazis.
- What, no.
Geoff, that's the final solution.
I'm gonna cut the power.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Why Nazis, that was kind of weird.
(playful music)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Precisely Lopez.
Scientifically, there's only one way
to make sure the teleporter
is finally working properly.
And that's for all of us to jump into it
at exactly the same moment.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Sir, that doesn't make any sense.
- On the count of three.
Ready?
- Well, this is a great plan.
- One.
- All right, you ready?
- Yeah.
- One.
- Oh man, this is gonna work perfectly.
- Oh, this one is definitely gonna work.
Two.
- Two.
(speaking in foreign language)
- And-
- And-
- And three.
Three.
Three.
Three.
Three, guys, what the fuck are you doing?
Tucker's supposed to come
out of the teleporter
and say his line.
- Which one is Tucker again?
- The teal one.
- I thought it was cyan.
- No, no, no Carolina's cyan.
Tucker's aquamarine.
- They're the same color.
- Then which one is turquoise?
- Guys, look, Tucker's black
when he comes out of the teleporter, okay?
It's not important because
black lines don't matter.
- Boy, what the fuck is
that supposed to mean?
- And-
- And-
- Fuck!
- And-
- Three.
- Three.
(calm music)
(all screaming)
- Well, that worked better
than I thought it would.
(Caboose screaming)
- Caboose, what are you screaming about?
- I don't know, just seemed
like the popular thing to do!
(Caboose screaming)
- Can it, blue-tard, you're
going to give away our position.
- What position?
Where are we?
(speaking in foreign language)
- And how is it we are looking so good?
Check out the sheen on my armor?
I feel like I just got
slathered in baby oil.
And now I'm ready to party.
- Can it pinkie pants,
it's clear that our
teleporter has been sabotaged.
And now, find ourselves smack dab
in the middle of the enemy's lair.
- This, uh, lair looks
more like a warehouse.
- That would make it a lair house.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I agree Lopez, there could be traps
set around every corner.
- What's the plan Sarge?
- We need a reconnoiter.
Emphasis on the noitre.
- Got it.
I'll scope out the enemy's mess hall.
Perhaps by eating their food,
I'll learn the way they think.
- There's gotta be a
control room here somewhere.
- And hopefully a day spa.
- Ooh, maybe we can
give each other facials.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Excelente, the work load
is evenly divided then.
Grif, you take the left
flank, Simmons the right.
Donut, take the rear.
- As always.
(overlapping dialogue)
- [Sarge] Watch where you're going.
- My bad.
- Watch where I'm going,
more importantly.
(beatboxing)
- Hey Joel.
- Oh yeah, hey man.
- You're late.
- Yeah, I like to come in
after the animators have
gone home for the day
and mess with their desks in weird ways.
So you've got, like, the used
Kleenex, and then the lotion,
and I'm about to mess
with the browser history.
- Oh, hey, type this in.
M-E-A-T-S-P-I...
What was that?
- I think someone's coming.
- Okay, quick, let's hide.
- [Sarge] Watch where
you're going dirtbag.
- [Caboose] Not my fault,
someone put a wall in my way!
(playful music)
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna go round back
and try to figure it out.
Hold this position, okay?
(suspenseful music)
- Ah, look at all these devices.
- Motion capture computer,
authorized personnel only.
- What in the-
- Admiral Sergeant look, the
computer is mimicking me.
Bad computer, that is rude!
- Occam's Laser! I see
what's going on here.
Our enemy has figured out a
way to capture our every move
and then turn it against us.
Why, with nefarious technology like this
they can control an entire army.
Possibly even two.
- Or even an entire dance party!
(upbeat music)
- That can't be good.
- Goddamn, smells like a middle
school cafeteria in here.
This must be the place.
What the fuck is up with this art though?
That is truly hideous.
I wonder what enemy's caloric intake is.
Let's see what we've got
in the fridge I guess.
Gee whiz, the enemy sure
drinks a lot of energy drinks.
That must be exhausting.
Where's the real food?
I wonder what the enemy eats.
- Huh, too heathy, not fattening enough,
vegetables ugh, where the
hell do they keep the Oreos?
- Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- Nothing, just cleaning
up the mess here, sir.
- Kitchen duty, huh?
Man, I hate cleaning stuff.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I hate doing any kind of work,
especially if it benefits others.
- Me too.
I'll tell you what, ain't
nothing like doing nothing.
- Yeah, now you're talking.
You know, I bet I'm way better
at doing nothing than you.
- Not a chance, I haven't
done anything in years.
- Not doing anything isn't nothing,
it's actually something.
And you can be proud of that
kind of nothing something.
- You're right, it takes a lot
of work to avoid doing work,
and that's the kind of
work I don't ever avoid.
- Why can't other people
see that being lazy
is the hardest job of all.
- Right?
I like the way you think.
And hey, I may hate sharing
almost as much as I hate work,
but if you're still
looking for those Oreos?
Why don't you try the vegetable crisper?
- Oh, sweet, I'll tell you what buddy,
maybe we could split these.
I'm only gonna eat the middle part anyway.
- Me too.
And you know what?
I think I have just the thing
for us to wash it down with!
(bottle breaking)
- Uh, I'm not cleaning that up.
(bright music)
- Ah, come on, what is this shit,
this place is a dump.
Is this somewhere Grif would sit? Gross.
Huh, what do we have here?
Looks like some kind of
communication device.
(soldier screaming)
- What was that?
- [Soldier] What was that?
- Testing.
- Testing.
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Huh, system seems to have
some kind of feedback loop.
- Yeah, I'm definitely
getting a feedback loop.
- The feedback loop seems
to be modulating itself.
- That's unusual.
- But not entirely unpredicted.
- Mathematically it makes perfect sense.
- I think I've finally proven my theory.
- Using this device-
- The feedback loop is likely to transcend
the barrier of the space-time continuum.
- And I can now communicate
with myself in the future.
- Future me, where are you?
I mean, where am I?
I mean, where are we?
- This location, I don't
know, it's hard to describe.
It's very ugly.
Kind of place that only
someone with very bad taste
would enjoy, I mean,
it's a real fucking shit show in here.
- That doesn't sound familiar.
Is there anything that looks recognizable?
- Oh, I think I found the control room.
Oh shit!
- What is it?
- I think I saw the enemy,
he's a fucking ugly bastard.
- The enemy?
Is there some kind of war in
the future, what's going on?
- What the fuck kind of
stupid question is that?
Don't you know anything?
- Hey man, I'm not the one
from the fucking future, okay?
I don't know what the
hell is going on here.
- I better just get out of here.
This is definitely the time to retreat.
- Retreat? Fuck that
shit, don't be a pussy.
- What, I don't have any backup.
- Do you have any weapons?
I don't know, something you fight with?
- I have a rifle with 60 rounds,
and a couple grenades.
- What the fuck.
Man, the future is crazy.
- What do I do?
- I don't know, use one of your grenades
and shoot any of the
bad guys who come out.
- Okay, here goes nothing.
- Oh, holy shit.
(screaming)
(grenade explodes)
- I see the enemy, I'm gonna shoot him.
(gunshots blaring)
- Don't shoot.
Fuck the future.
- Dance, I like dance.
Dancing, dancing, I like dance.
- My God.
The enemy is attacking,
you hold this position
while I flank them.
- Holding position.
(upbeat music)
- That's something you
don't see every day.
(calm music)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
- Quit your yapping dirtbag.
Where are the rest of your soldiers?
- Soldiers?
You mean employees?
It's a practical joke, right?
- Yeah, and the punchline
is, I punch you in the face.
- So no?
- Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- Wrong again, I am.
- No, I am.
- No, I am.
- No, I am.
- Uh-uh, I am.
- Why do you just keep
repeating the words I say?
(gun cocks)
- When you hear my shotgun a-cocking,
you better start a-talking.
- Are you just trying out one liners?
- Shut up, dirtbag.
- Hello?
Anybody still here?
Yo!
What?
Oh my God!
(speaking in foreign language)
What the hell is happening in here?
(speaking in foreign language)
Yeah dude, I don't speak Spanish,
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
- [Gus and Geoff] Ahhh, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- [Grif and Simmons] Shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
- I wish that I could go just one week
without dealing with those fucking morons.
- Last chance numbnuts.
- Okay, listen, listen.
I don't know why we're here,
I don't know how this happened,
but before you pull that trigger,
I do know one thing,
there are four crazy people
about to run around that corner
and smash right into you.
- (chuckling) You really
think I'm gonna fall for that?
(gunshots blasting)
- Go.
- That's the enemy over there.
- Come on!
- Kill them.
- And that you see, is not
only the true meaning of life,
but why all of us should invest
all of our money in gold.
- Joel, what the hell are you doing, man?
Come on, we gotta get
the hell out of here.
- Right behind you.
(serene music)
Goodbye friend.
- And that was the smartest
person I have ever met.
- What happened, where did the enemy go?
- Those idiots outsmarted us.
- They were one step ahead of us.
- Yeah, bastard, it was
like he was reading my mind.
Like he knew my thoughts
before I even thought them.
- Yeah, I feel that way all the time.
(panting)
- What the hell is going on?
- Did we all really just
see what I think we saw?
- Maybe we were just hallucinating right
like we probably had too much
Rocket Rooster Energy Drink, right?
- Or maybe not enough.
- Oh come on, fuck off with that.
- Fuck you guys, it's
a major profit center.
- Man, whatever's going on,
we have to figure it out,
we have to reverse it.
- The switch, that's how
we got into this mess.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, it makes sense.
We can turn the power off,
and we turn it back on again,
and the problem fixes itself,
it's a proven science,
like global cooling.
- We can do this guys, we can do this.
On three
one.
- Let go, that is my Xbox.
(speaking in foreign language)
- What in Sam Hell? Lopez!
(speaking in foreign language)
I told you I don't speak Spanish.
- Two.
- Let go.
- Hey guys, I didn't get a facial,
but I did find a bunch of energy drinks
and made us all cocktails.
- Christ, Donut, are
you fucking kidding me?
- Now, who wants the cock,
and who wants the tail?
(Burnie laughs)
- And three.
(all screaming)
(bright music)
(electric buzz)
- Hello.
(Sarge grunting)
- Oh, son of a bitch.
(playful music)
- I think that maybe
everything's back to normal.
- Yeah, the problem seems
to have fixed itself,
hashtag science.
- So, I guess the real lesson here
is that it's perfectly safe to drink
Rocket Rooster brand energy drink.
There are no proven long-term
or short-term side effects.
Yes, that's the real lesson.
- Fucking idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What, what?
- I'm gonna go count my gold
'cause that's what I do.
- Guys, this is how we
make all of our money.
I mean literally all of our money.
Could you just work with me?
I mean it only causes
cancer in some people.
- Three.
- Oh, fuck berries.
(upbeat music)
- You know, it's weird how we
haven't seen Burnie around.
- Yeah, it's not the same without him.
- Gotta admit, kind of
like the new guy though.
- Well, hello, are you a
model or a famous actress?
Bow chicka bow wow!.
(punch lands)
Ow, bow, ow!
- [Vic] Ladies and gentlemen,
Reds and Blues, chicos
and chicas, it's been fun,
but as an old bald British dude once said,
all good things must come to an end.
You know, I keep thinking back
to this whole multiverse thing,
if there's really an infinite
number of parallel universes,
then that means there's probably
an infinite number of stories out there
that still need to be told.
Maybe some of them are funny,
maybe some of them are sad,
maybe some of them
start off looking funny,
but then they totally hit
you with a bait and switch
and get you all sad, I don't know.
After all, I'm just one of
an infinite number of Vics,
which is exactly why I'm here.
Why I've been guiding you this entire time
to open a window, to open
your eyes to the truth.
As long as there's stories,
there needs to be storytellers.
And that is where you come in.
Tell your story, dude or dudettes.
It could be one in a billion
others, but it'll be yours.
Make it about the Reds,
make it about the Blues,
heck, make it about some
other group of soldiers
that no one ever heard
about until you told them.
Show us villains that tell
themselves they're heroes,
build entire worlds, brick by brick,
teach the galaxy about friendship,
but whatever you do, don't stop
because a universe without stories,
well, that's just empty space amigo.
All right, well that
does it for me, I'm out.
555-V-I-C-K signing off!
Don't call me, I'll call you.
(upbeat music)
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ Grant the souls I send your way ♪
♪ Final peace and rest at last ♪
♪ 'Cause they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ You know they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ If they ever thought they had a shot ♪
♪ You're the one who sold
the lies they bought ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
♪ Yeah they're going down ♪
(cheerful music)