Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Back in the Red: Part 3 - full transcript

One day in this lousy, stinking
penal colony and I'm cracking up.

Everyone's so deranged and
brutal it's frightening.

This afternoon I was so depressed
I went to see the social worker.

Was he any help?

Not really; he beat me up.

I thought social workers
were supposed to be nice?

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went
to see the priest and explained everything.

What did he say?

He said I was a whining
baby who was missing his mum.

Then he beat me up, too. You can still see
the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

It's cos we're in G-tower.
All the staff are mad, here.



One of the guys was saying, though,
as a reward for good behaviour,

they move you to the
luxury block on D-wing.

Everything's really nice there;
they even shampoo the rats.

Groom their tails and everything.

What's this?

"Floor 13 information pack.

If privacy is required when using
toilet, please wear blindfold. "

What's the book?

Gideon's Bible.

He follows me everywhere, that
bloke! I was staying in a hotel once,

he left his bible behind there, as well.

And two years later, another hotel,
dozy git left it behind again!

Everything is ruined. My career's
over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.

Yeah, but how come that's
started to get you down now?



Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going
to spend the next two years in the brig?

Two years with the scum of the universe,
hardened criminals, deranged droids,

people so unbalanced and debauched
they could even get elected

as President of the United
States. We've got to escape!

Woh! There're security
cameras everywhere.

You know that mad geezer with
the one eye and the funny tic?

He said it was impossible.

Well he's bound to say
that, he was the warden!

If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer,
instead of the brain-dead, pompous,

stupid-haired git I ended up with.

You defended yourself!

Yes, and I don't need reminding
of that, thank you very much.

Two years in the Tank...

Two years...

How did I get into this mess?

I think the blindfold's
supposed to be for me...

This is the diary of Captain F.
Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several of my crew are presently being
tried for crimes against the Space Corps:

Are you familiar with the mind scan?

We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

You understand that it will involve the
administration of psychotropic drugs,

that is, drugs that
affect your mental state,

making this process possible?
If you accept, say 'aye'.

Aye.

Please sign the consent forms and
seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

To test the voracity of their
defence, unknown to them,

I've had them placed in
artificial reality where their -

actions can be observed.

Right now, they believe they're escaping,
but we just want to observe what they do...

So, that means, that if anyone
happens to mention any...

special agreements... that
they've entered into...

Could you excuse me? I think
I... left the iron on...

Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew -

has started acting very suspiciously,
being incredibly insightful, and efficient.

I suspect he may have access to
the crew's confidential files.

We also believe he may be
in possession of a virus,

which makes him incredibly
attractive to the opposite sex.

This is obviously a
remarkable serum and,

as a responsible senior
officer of the Space Corps,

it's imperative I gain possession
of this solution and use some myself.

Oh - my - god - you are
sexy! So very, very sexy!

Yesterday he was observed injecting
his groin with anaesthetic -

something we believe he did
to regain some self-control.

Hi.

I also suspect someone, possibly Lister,

has given Rimmer access to
the crew's confidential files,

and he's using this information to
blackmail his way up the chain of command.

It's sickening, it's unforgivable,
but it's a technique that can work.

I should know: I used the same
method myself to become Captain.

If the crew discover I'm really
just Dennis the donut boy,

I'm finished.

I will continue to
observe Lister's actions

in AR and expect my
suspicions to be confirmed.

Report ends.

T minus eighteen seconds -

and counting; engines start.

This is Ground Control to Midget 3-

you don't appear to have flight clearance.
Please state your name and clearance code.

Ground Control, this is, er...

- Major Tom!
- Yeah! Major Tom -

Major Tom, what is your
clearance code and pilot number?

I'm sorry, I left all my
details in my other pants.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

Woooowwww!

Without takeoff clearance
I can't permit you to fly.

I can handle this thing okay.
I'm good. I'm better than good,

I'm smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.

Well that's as maybe, but I need a
little proof you can fly that thing.

Fly!? I can make this thing dance!

Wow!

You free Saturday?

I am now.

Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three
day's time; I better start getting ready!

You're going nowhere,
man, we are outta here!

Now all we've got to do is get
a bearing on those damn nano's -

and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.

Getting something now, sir.

Good.

We didn't need that confidential files
scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all.

All that stuff I gave him on the
Captain... Double-dealing, two-faced rat!

Find - all - references
to - the - agreement

between - Lister - and
Rimmer - and - remove.

"All references removed. "

What was that? Something
weird just happened...

Yeah, I felt it, too.

There it was again!

And again.

Oh, my.

What is it?

I don't believe I'm here.

I have that feeling all the time.

I have it. I believe we're in
some kind of computer-manipulated,

psychotropically induced mind state.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

You mean this is our trial?
Our escape is our trial?

The envelopes... When we
signed the consent forms...

there must have been some kind of
drug on the gluey bit we licked.

So you mean nothing's been
real since then? Blue Midget?

The Ground Controller? None of that
was real? You mean after all this,

I still haven't got a date? Damn!

Another year when I have to sent
a Valentine's card to my hand...

No, this good, this is good!
It proves we're innocent!

Everything we've said
and done: escaping,

trying to track down the nano's;
it corroborates our story!

But you are guilty,
guys! Who are you fooling?

I dunno why I said that.

We're being framed...

Wait a minute, what's happening? I just
said "we're being framed" and suddenly -

It just happened again!
Everything we say's being -

Bananas.

If I say who I think's responsible
for this it'll get cut too,

so I'm not going to, but it's him.

I know it's him, you can bet on
it, and if I ever catch up to him,

I'm gonna cut off both his b-

blunt knife.

So how do we stop him?

If we're plugged into A.R. software
there must be a 'trap door' built

into the program
somewhere to allow escape.

You mean to help you get
out if the program freezes?

Precisely. There'll be a
cryptic clue around somewhere,

something like a trap door or exit...

I got it! There's a button here
with "E - 11- T" written on it.

And?

11 is "XI" in Roman
numerals. E - XI - T; "EXIT"!

He got that?

I think it proves, without a shadow
of a doubt, this is not reality!

Press it.

Now where are we?

Well somehow we've wound
up in the screen saver!

We need to locate a power source so
we can switch the A.R. machine off.

A power source? A.R.?

There has to be a clue around here
somewhere. Maybe it's in this ice hole?

There's some food in here?

So?

Including a bottle of ketchup...

So?

Power ketchup, get it?

What's to get?

Power sauce!

Pity he's only smart when
he's made out of plastecine..!

Press it!

Ohhhh... ohhhh...

You back-stabbin', weaselly
smegger! You were trying to frame us!

Listy! Just the man. Now, I know,
at first glance, this may look bad -

God, he's gorgeous...

Ohh, hold her back, please, hold
her, please! No more, no more!

Oh those nostrils! They're driving me
crazy, I've simply got to have them!

Hold her back, Kryten, help me!

Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on hold!

I want his babies!

The Luck virus, have you
still got it? Take some!

It'll cure the virus, and
restore you both to normal.

Oh god, that's so embarrassing...

What now, Holl?

No time to lose, you should head
for the nearest one of these:

You mean a moon?

Exactly.

He's right. We can regroup there and
continue our search for the nano's.

What about me?

Well, Mister Rimmer has had access
to the confidential files, sir.

He knows all the security codes.

Without him, our chances of
escape are about as remote

as meeting an interesting
hairdresser called Kylie.

So, what's it to be?

Look, if I leave I'm always
going to be a failure.

The shame of it. Every
time I have a boiled egg,

knowing I don't even
outrank the toastie soldiers.

I want to be an
officer, a man of honour.

But that's not gonna
happen for you now, man.

Just like it didn't happen
for the other Rimmer.

We're giving you a second chance
at life, and an opportunity for you

to screw it up in a
new and original way.

The old Rimmer was a
vital member of the team.

He performed essential
functions we've never replaced.

What did he do?

I dunno, really.

He, erm... he was, erm... he
was, erm... ah! Head of Safety!

"Head of Safety", that's a hell of
a title! But what did he actually do?

He sought out danger;
he sought out peril.

Then he advised us the best
way to run away from it.

Head of Safety. Five buttons. I'm in!

He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll
crack open a bottle of cyanide!

This is Ground Control.

You don't appear to have flight clearance.

You're the ground controller?

Please state your name and clearance code.

Reality sucks!

Your name's "Reality Sucks"?

One second, Mister Sucks.

Just checking my clearance lists...

Look, just do another smegging dance
and we'll get the hell out of here!

Dance? With her I'd have
trouble walking! Powering up!

Come back Mister Sucks, come back!

There's nothing on the scanner
for a thousand mile radius...

We're in the clear, guys!

Yes, oh yes!

I don't believe we are, ma'am...

What's up?

According to the supplies inventory
we're frighteningly low on...

oh, and everyone was so happy,
I can barely say it out loud...

What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

Worse! Fabric softener!

Suggest we chart a course to the
nearest derelict, the SS Einstein...

before everyone's woolens
get all bibbly-bobbly!

Einstein? Wasn't he the
dude who discovered America?

Einstein discovered the
Theory of Relativity.

Where did he discover it?
Was it fossilised, and stuff?

The Theory of Relativity is...
What is the Theory of Relativity?

Yeah, what is it, Holl?

Bit busy at the moment, Dave.

Well, just tell us what is is in,
sort of, simple layman's terms.

It's a theory.

Yeah, but what is it?

Oh, you want it more
complicated than that, do you?

What does it mean?

It's the Theory of Relativity.

You know, it's the theory
you only tell your relatives.

It's so sad. Holly's supposed
to have an I.Q. of 6000.

Now, I doubt he could even spell I.Q.

If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer
senile, explain this then.

Explain what?

You can't, can you.

Explain what?

It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.

If I'm so stupid, explain why I was
able to re-create a new set of nanobots

and get them to resurrect the crew.

What?

I thought you'd be pleased.

But why?

My job is to keep Dave sane.

True, I'm not that good
at it, but I do my best.

That's why I create these little
diversions to keep him occupied.

But Holl, we could have wound
up doing two years in the brig!

Still could. I've just worked
it out, we're still in A.R.

What?

In computer jargon: my
plans have all gone tits-up.

I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.

Who by?

By a superior intellect.

You mean the hand-dryer in the men's
toilets has outsmarted you again?

No, by that other version
of me. The one on Red Dwarf.

This is still our trial.

Our trial? Why didn't you say? If
I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie!

Well, for me, Lister's
nanobots story is corroborated.

They were trying to track 'em down.

Their actions in the psychtropically
induced scenario bear that out.

I agree Frank. I also believe we
died, and were, indeed, resurrected.

Again, borne out by their actions.

So, original charges: all innocent.

But, its equally apparent that
they used classified information

from the crew's confidential
files to their own ends.

I suspected Rimmer had access the
moment he walked into my office

and began acting incredibly
smart and knowledgeable.

What a giveaway.

That's why I got him to lick
one of the psychotropic envelopes

when I invited him to dinner.

So, abusing classified
information. That's a fresh charge.

And on that, they're all guilty.

That's a statutory sentence.

I know. Two years in the brig.

So, instead of the original charge and a
possible sentence of two years in the brig,

they've been found
guilty on another charge,

and got an entirely different
two years in the brig.

That's going to be a
great comfort to them.

I'll bring them around, and break the news.

This is reality? But how can we be sure?

Why do we care? Nothing makes
any sense no matter where we are.

Look, everything was real before
we licked the envelopes, right?

Then we conked out, and got carted off

to A.R. before we licked anything...

before we licked anything...
I lent you my Holly watch!

So if this is reality, I
should still be wearing it...

Oh yeah, this is reality, all
right. I'd recognise it anywhere.

Also, sir, shouldn't
you have the viruses?

Again, you found them on Starbug
before we licked the envelopes.

The Luck virus; maybe we can
still get out of this mess.

I'll take that. The lab boys are
gonna want to run tests on it.

Where's the other one.

I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that!

Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted
it, to, er, test it, too. Damn!

This is all your fault.

My fault?

You betrayed us over that
confidential files scam -

Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus -

You lied to us -

And generally behaved like a self-serving,
scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!

And that's bad?

It is the finding of this enquiry that
you have been found guilty of contravening

Act 21 of the Space Federation.

Before sentencing,
you will have medicals

so you can be assigned
appropriate prison status.

I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.

Welcome to the Tank...