Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Back in the Red: Part 1 - full transcript

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Remember Argyle Somerfield,
the old movie star?

83, according to this.
He's just had a baby with his nurse.

"It was love at first sight," she cooed.
"I've always liked older men."

If she ever met Tutankhamen,
he wouldn't stand a chance.

She'd have his bandages off
before he could say "Silicone implants"!

There's a picture of 'em with their newborn.

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No, THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.

I was thrown by the bib and the bonnet.

I thought it was the baby at first.



An 83-year-old dad?!

How's that gonna work?

I bet he won't get up in the night
to give the baby its feed.

He'll probably pretend to be dead.

"Darling, can you feed the baby tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

The only advantage, as far as I can see,

is the wife can change both their nappies
at the same time!

Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, you know.

I've a good mind to fill your shoes
with runny porridge again.

That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.

All right. I bet I can make you say something
in the next minute.

20 big ones.

Shake on it.



All right. If I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on!

OK.

I'm going to say something and you're going
to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?

All right. Several years ago, when money was
not abundant, and I medically needed a pint...

I took some money from your purse.

(GROANING)

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

God, it was horrible going in there.

The wallet that time forgot!

Not that there was any point.
They wouldn't serve me.

Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.

You should have handed them in
after the Spanish Armada!

I thought I'd get you going.
You hate digs about your stinginess.

It usually makes you so agitated that you make
a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!

Well, still... Plenty of time to go.

(LAUGHS)

Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you?

I used to go out with her - before you did.
You didn't know that, did you?

Broke up in the end. Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.

They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Both cheeks, man!

She nearly wore them down to the bone!

(SCREECHES)

Will you shut up?!

What did I tell ya?

20 big ones.

I've listened to you wittling on
for what seems like two ice ages.

My mind is so numb and drained,

I feel like I've attended a three-day seminar
on the future of plumbing.

Do you know how irritating you are?

You're a master. There are things
you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

- Talk to me, then.
- No!

I'm sorry! How many times
do you want me to say it?

- I am sorry!
- No, you're not.

- It was an accident.
- You poured a whole tube of it over me,

you disgusting, rotting, fetid
piece of congealed monkey vomit!

At last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.

83!

(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.

Er... guys, we got a problem!

- Guys, look at me body.
- There's an invitation

that will not cause a stampede!

- It's back to normal.
- No time for that now.

We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf,
and Starbug appears to be expanding!

It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking.

It's to do with the nanobot molecular process,
like my body.

We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.

- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in.
- We must be bold, positive, decisive.

- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert.
- Forget red.

Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

There's no such thing as brown alert.

You won't be saying that in a minute!

And don't say I didn't alert you.

All right, dudes. Anyone fancy
a game of charades using just your nose,

- or is this a bad time?
- We're about to get crushed to death!

So that's a no, then?

Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,

- I thought things would get back to normal.
- We haven't a clue what's happening.

Things ARE back to normal.

You don't even fancy a quick one?

Science-fiction film,
name of the ship, one word.

(HUMS THROUGH HIS NOSE)

The Nostrilomo.

Spent a week thinking that one up.

Good, innit?

- Computing time to impact. Calculations here.
- How long have we got?

- About the time it takes to read a Stop sign.
- That's OK.

I don't always get through those in one sitting.

- What are our chances?
- About the same odds

as discovering Mr. Lister saddle-stitching
the hem of linen maternity slacks.

It's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster?

- We'll get crushed by a gigantic trouser press!
- Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free.

- I always prayed I'd go out like that.
- There may be a way through this.

Go past Epsilon 14, right at the hydro unit.

- Saves two minutes.
- Well, sir?

I don't understand a woman who's hurtling
towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.

- But as a navigator, there's none finer!
- What's your view, Hol?

Straight up your nose
when you lean in like that.

Epsilon 14.

There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.

- It's beating at an incredible rate.
- There's a heart out there with no body?

No wonder it's beating so fast!

(THROBBING HEARTBEAT)

Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.

We've lost all engines.

Didn't I read somewhere
that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.

I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have
to have sandwiches for lunch.

(ALL) Oh...

(COUGHING)

- Dave?
- Selby...

Chen... Is it really you?

Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.

- Think it's us.
- Guys, this is brilliant.

- I can't believe it!
- You know these people, sir?

Know them? When they've been drunk
and unconscious,

I've undressed them
and painted parts of them green.

This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

- How?
- The nanos resurrected them with the ship.

This is Chen. He works in the kitchen.
He's always drunk.

And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too.
Where's Petersen?

He couldn't make it.

He's drunk!

The crew are all alive. Great news.
Wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.

All that extra ironing - bliss!

Mr. Thornton, read them their rights.

David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug,

having no pilot's licence, and smuggling
two stowaways onboard with Officer Kochanski.

Anything you say or do not say now may be
used by the board of inquiry against you.

Do you require any form of aid?

Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.

Left, right, left, right...

- Relax. You'll burst a blood vessel.
- Shut up! Do you understand?!

- Do you understand?!
- Yes.

Yes, what?

- Yes, Mr. Shouty.
- Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...

...left, right. Halt!

Left arm.

At ease.

(HOLLY) All right, dude?

They don't know about you yet. It might be
an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.

If the board finds us guilty, what happens then?

They'll probably have a pot of tea,
a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.

What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

If you lose, you'll get two years in the brig.

- What brig?
- The brig on floor 13.

- There isn't a floor 13.
- It was classified.

A need-to-know-only basis.

- So who knew?
- All the officers,

and anyone who's ever seen
"The Twilight Zone".

What's it like, this brig?

If I was an estate agent, I'd describe it
as an old-style penal establishment,

abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms

all with en suite buckets.

Smegging 'ell!

They call it the Tank.

There was an inmate population of 400
all being transported to Adelphi 12.

- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too.
- What are they like? No, don't tell me.

They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes, breath like
old nappies, arms like toilet walls, aren't they?

Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

Hang on. I've got one of them on file
somewhere. Here we go.

I'm Nigel.

I'm nice.

See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.

Nige is lovely.
Though he does tend to get a bit narky

if you go too close to him with a magnet.

Thanks, Hol. You're really cheering me up (!)

The brig!

Two years!

Two years without curry and lager!

Two years without sex!

You hope.

- Rimmer!
- They're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,

then the bookcase and library, brick by brick.

God, it's you like you used to be.

(GROANS)

What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug.
You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.

This is gonna sound nuts,

but the whole crew died, including you, and you
were resurrected by these microscopic robots.

I died? All the crew died? And you're gonna
spend the next two years in the brig

with a load of Neanderthals
with badly spelt tattoos?

So where are we? Is this my heaven?

Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived 'cause I was in stasis.

Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship
and resurrected the crew.

- So where are they?
- Dunno. Gone. Scarpered.

- Maybe I should take the Fifth.
- I'd take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.

I've got to find these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

Meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.

- Me?
- Who else will help? I'm confined to quarters.

The minute I go through that door, I get enough
watches up me jacksie to light up Bootle.

Considering what the future
has in store for your jacksie,

a couple of zillion volts will be easy street.

Why have the nanobots put us in this situation?

In the past, they've only ever done things
which have benefited us.

- Like what?
- Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.

We went halfway round the galaxy.

They led us to Legion,
where Mr. Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.

- Benefit.
- Then, back at Red Dwarf, they rebooted Holly.

Benefit. And after that, they led you
to the temporal rip where you met me.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(HISSING SPRAY)

Is it true we're three million light years into
deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

That is classified information, Karen!
Who the hell told you that?

The coffee machine on G Deck.

Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust
his ass down to tampon dispenser.

Is it true?

Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

Starbug took out a CPU bank in the crash.
We're having trouble rebooting.

The coffee machine said the ship's identical to
its original design plans - before the cutbacks.

We now have a quark level
matter-anti-matter generator,

ship wired by organic computer networking,
and a karaoke bar on C deck.

But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?

Nobody knows.

We don't believe this one's human.
Take a look at this.

(WHISTLES) Has he got the measles?

Those are his nipples.

Six nipples?
What's the female of the species like?

Pretty easy to please in bed.

Especially if you play the piano.

- His internal organs are different, too.
- How?

His kidney, liver, appendix,
are colour-coordinated.

And even weirder, his stomach wall
appears to be decorated.

This guy's intestines look better
than my quarters.

His heartbeat's weird, too. Instead
of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler.

Do you think I'm gonna have the dorky human
heartbeat? Doo-duh. Doo-duh.

Doo-duh. Doo-duh. Where's the tune in that?

Let me hear it.

(HIP-HOP BEAT)

Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

(SAMBA RHYTHM)

That's good. Will you slam that
down on tape for me?

Rimmer, help me escape.
I've got to track down these nanobots.

I'm not risking my career for you.
I'm going places.

Up the ziggurat lickety-split (!)

Precisely. I'm going to pass the engineering exam.

- And become an officer.
- Yes. An officer.

A guy of honour, decency and breeding.

Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

People with breeding, when they're bored
and want my bridge club chums to go home,

they do not play "Popeye the Sailor Man"
with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

I remember that.

(LAUGHS) I used to do that sort of thing,
didn't I?

And when someone's had a tad too much claret
and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk,

people of honour generally don't take
a Polaroid of your snoozing todger,

draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it...

...then pin it up on the bulletin board
under "Missing Persons".

They don't write underneath, "Have you seen
this man, believed to be a French movie star?"

As if your todger with eyes drawn on it
would look like a French movie star.

Way too good-looking.

- Don't expect help from me.
- But that was years ago.

- It was last week!
- Last week for you.

You've just been resurrected - years ago for me.

Anyway, I was wurlitzered then.
I even finished off the advocaat.

I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff
at the back of the drinks cabinet.

That was my Windolene.

I'd used it to clean the glass.

It tasted all right
with that chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.

You drank my Swarfega, too?

- You're unbelievable.
- I'm different now. More mature and debonair.

I don't even stir me tea with a spanner
any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

- Have you stopped playing the guitar?
- No.

But I've stopped accompanying myself
on me armpit.

I don't have to take
my frustrations out on you any more.

How's that?

I've been away. What is it? Five or six years
not counting stasis? I've done stuff.

Stuff that would make your hair straight.
I've come through it.

- I can help you.
- Do what?

Get promoted.

Preposterous!

How?

Information. I saw the crew's confidential
reports. I know their strengths and weaknesses.

- How?
- Before you were resurrected,

I had the run of the whole of the ship.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records,
therapy sessions - the works.

Knowledge is power. Who said that?

- I don't know.
- Nor do I.

The point I'm making is
I can make you look like a genius.

You can get promoted. You won't have
to take exams - do that astroengineering smeg.

Just help me escape.

I have my principles. You think you can buy me
with promises of power and glory? You think...

OK, I'll do it.

- You'll have to prove it to me first.
- You're on.

- Get me promoted.
- You've got it.

OK. Deal.

The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.

The senile version of Holly
is loaded into this watch.

Hello. I'm Dr Lucas McClaren.
I'm the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor.

I thought it was time we got together
and had a really good natter.

My name is Kryten, sir.

Lovely. We are doing well, aren't we!

Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

I was the last time I looked, sir, yes.

Can you tell me when you were created?
Can you remember?

2640, sir.

Very good. 2640.

Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

Yes, sir. I was created after you died.

Lovely!

So, I died and you were created - how long
would you say I've been dead altogether?

- You're not dead any more, sir.
- Aren't I?

- No. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
- Right...

I was alive, died, and then started living again.

- You've been most fortunate, sir.
- I have, haven't I?!

Golly. Your chair IS screwed down,
isn't it, Kryten?

- Yes, sir.
- Just checking. Excellent. Lovely.

So...

How did I suddenly spring back to life again?

You were rebuilt
by these teeny-weeny tinty little robots.

- Tinty little robots?
- They make this little noise.

(SQUEAKS) Mini-mini-mini.

Yes. Just double-check that chair for me,
would you?

- It IS screwed down, isn't it?
- Yes, sir.

With long, long screws
that go deep, deep into the ground?

Yes, sir.

Tell me. What kind of robot do you think
you are? What were you programmed to do?

I'm a sanitation droid. I do sanitation-type
things - washing, cleaning, ironing.

You also drive spaceships, don't you?
Pretend to be the science officer

and sit in that swivelly chair
with those pretty buttons and press them all.

Yes, I do that too, sir.

- That's sort of thanks to Mr. Lister.
- Mr. Lister?

He helped me break my programming.
I've developed some serious character faults

of which I'm extremely proud.

I'm even able to lie to a modest standard.

For example, you have a very fine haircut.

(LAUGHS)

See how good I've got?
Also, I've completely mastered pomposity,

even though I say so myself.

I've also developed several
rudimentary emotions, including fear...

(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. It's going to kill us!

Sadness... (QUIETLY) Oh, my God. It's killed us.

Happiness...

Oh, no, it hasn't!

Surprise...
(SQUEALS) Ooh! I've turned into a frog!

And just lately, I've got the hang of anger
with rudimentary mindless violence. Arrgh!

That's a newie.

I was gonna launch it
at this year's emotion show.

At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence,

which means feeling two opposite emotions
about the same thing.

(GROANS)

I haven't got the hang of that one yet.

I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

- What is your relationship with Lister?
- I love Mr. Lister. He taught me everything.

Without him, I'd probably be normal.

I'm gonna make a recommendation
which I think will help you,

but just before I do,
double-check that chair for me, would you?

(TAPPING KEYS)

Yes!

Luck virus? Sexual magnetism?

- (BEEP)
- Holly, what's this?

They got them years ago
from this scientist called Lanstrom.

They're positive viruses. One gives you
sexual magnetism, the other gives you luck,

till your natural defences combat the virus.

Sexual magnetism!

- Are you gonna use it?
- Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am!

A tiny swigette to see if it works.

Well, bottoms up.

Then bottoms down,
and hopefully, bottoms up again!

(ALL) Hi there!

Ladies?

Hi, Arnold.

The world loves a bastard!

(SONG) It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun