Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - The Promised Land - full transcript
The posse meet three cat clerics who worship Lister as their God. Lister vows to help them as they're being hunted by Rodon, the ruthless feral cat leader who has vowed to wipe out all cats who worship anyone but him.
Our Feral King, I implore you,
I will tell you everything.
You will?
Anything. I will answer
any question. OK.
What percentage of the universe
is made of dark matter?
Oh, I... Sorry, I didn't think it
was gonna be general knowledge.
Can I have an entertainment
question? Is the wrong answer.
Sports?
GROWLING
You scratch my back
and I'll scratch yours.
BOTH MEOWING
Why did you betray me?
Oh, yeah, in fairness, it was...
It was a bad decision.
I... I wasn't thinking.
And soon you won't be breathing.
Hoo!
BANGING
Enter.
My Feral King, I am sorry
to interrupt your torturing.
We have arrested more rebels
who have been spreading
the teachings of the holy one.
HEAVENLY MUSIC
HE HISSES
Bring these insurgents to me.
Let me gaze upon their ugliness.
Since I seized power,
there is no other god but me.
Our economy does not work, Rodon.
Few work, none share.
It is only if we embraced
the teachings of Cloister
that we will learn there are greater
treasures looking outward than in.
HE SNARLS
Take them to the marketplace
and hang them.
Let the clowder see insurrection
will not be tolerated.
Get out of the way, you dogs.
WHOOSHING
Come on!
We'll escape, and one day return
to free our people.
CONTROLS BEEP
I'll set a course
for the ship of our birth.
May Cloister watch over us.
LISTER: Omm...
GARGLING
Here he comes now.
You do the talking.
Hey, guys.
Sir, may I be frank?
For some time now, we've been
growing rather concerned about you.
Me? Why?
I've noticed of late you've been
drinking slightly more
than your usual
half a brewery a day.
Bend, would you, Krytes?
Also, I can't help but notice
that in the morning, you've often
had a midnight snack.
It's only the odd ice cream waffle
sandwich, some cheesy fries
and a beer milkshake.
Followed by a main course.
Not always a main course!
Sometimes I'm too drunk.
Also, sir, you've been collecting
rather a lot of junk.
What junk? Where's junk?
There's junk.
This isn't junk, this is antiques.
Salvage from Cargo Bay 15.
We haven't been through
any of that stuff yet.
I've already found
Music For Rocking Dads,
Knitting For Beginners,
and an "I love boyband" badge
in pristine condition.
What happened to you, bud?
You're a wreck.
Then perhaps I should use
my Swedish massage chair
that doesn't have batteries.
No-one is blaming you, sir.
You're carrying an enormous burden.
The future of the human race
is entirely in your, well...
Hands?
Lower.
Danglier.
And you're deflecting
from the real issue
by finding false interests
to distract you.
How cool is this?
What's your point, Kryten?
I have a solution, sir,
to your last-human-alive dilemma.
An issue that's clearly driving
you to the brink of insanity.
Look at this - Subbuteo!
The Partick Thistle away kit.
Someone would probably
kill for this.
You're looking at him. Give me that.
Now, this is a little
unconventional, I grant you,
but with the meditech
we salvaged from the Delta 7,
what I'm about to suggest
is quite possible,
so I implore you both to give it
your full and proper consideration.
Both? What's this got to do with me?
Well, sir, what if you had
a sex-change operation?
Let me finish.
And became a woman?
Let me finish.
Mr Lister and yourself could then
do the necessary.
Let me finish!
And produce a child together.
Have you been drying your head
in the tumble dryer again?
With the meditech,
making you a woman
is a relatively straightforward
procedure, sir.
Involving just a few snips
and a bit of folding.
Where does the folding fit in?
Well, to make your lady garden, sir.
And with my long history
with sheets,
you know how good I am at folding.
Dude, what you're suggesting
is anatomically impossible.
But with the meditech, sir,
it's perfectly possible.
Let me put it this way -
I'd never be able to get
the plane off the runway,
if you get me drift.
Wait a minute. Are you saying
if I was a woman I wouldn't be hot?
Bud, if I was a woman,
you wouldn't be in no plane,
you'd be on Apollo 13, baby!
Your tongue would be hanging out
your mouth like an old dog.
Cat, I wouldn't be attracted to you
if you were the most beautiful woman
in the world,
cos I'm not attracted to you.
In fact, this whole crazy idea would
have a better chance of working
if it was me that had
the sex-change operation,
cos let's face it,
you'd go with anyone.
Wait, hold on. Are you saying that
you'd make a hotter woman than me?
I'd make a better woman than you.
I'm more empathetic, intuitive.
I'm nicer.
Have you never seen my legs?
Cat, I'm not gonna get in
some stupid, macho
"who would make the hottest woman"
barney, OK?
Although I know for a fact who
it'd be. Me.
The greatest erogenous zone
is what? My mirror.
It's the brain,
and what with me having one,
that puts you at a huge
disadvantage, guy.
Kryten, follow me.
Ladies.
Following you, sir.
What are you doing?
I'm following you, sir,
as requested, sir.
I don't mean follow me like you're
a private eye, you imbecile.
I mean, accompany me
to my destination.
Apologies, sir.
I sometimes wonder if you behave
like a cretin on purpose,
as a means of thumbing your nose
at my authority.
Engaging lie mode.
Lie mode engaged. Sir! I assure you
my acting like a cretin is no act.
Lie mode, cancel.
You're lying.
Engaging lie mode.
Lie mode engaged.
I most certainly am not, sir.
Cancel lie mode.
I can hear you engaging lie mode.
Did I say all that out loud? Yes.
I knew I needed a service.
Not now, you rusty idiot.
I need you. Follow me.
Did I say that out loud?
Say what? Excellent.
That green dot thing on the scanner
screaming towards us
at near light speed, what is it?
Well, it appears to be either
some kind of ship or a missile.
Which?
Well, allow me
to carry out some tests, sir.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting to see
if Red Dwarf explodes, sir.
If it doesn't,
I think we can presume it's a ship.
It's a ship.
CRACKLING
It's giving off
some kind of transmission but it's
extremely faint. Any suggestions?
It's a long shot, sir, but have you
considered turning up the volume?
LOUD CRACKLING
No-one likes a smart alex, Kryten.
It's smart aleck, sir.
Er, the phrase is
based on the exploits of Aleck Hoag,
a celebrated con artist
from 1840s New York.
That's as maybe. We still can't
understand this message, though,
can we, Mr Smarmy Pants?
The phrase is in fact
smarty-pants, sir.
It was first used in 19...
Just fix the distortion
before I distort you.
Distortion is usually caused
by some form of interference
of the process signal.
Big words, my mechanoid friend,
but for all your cleverness,
and despite being as well hung
as Action Man,
it's not really getting
us anywhere, is it?
BEEPING
This is an SOS distress call.
Is anyone out there?
Our ship has run out of fuel and
we're presently hiding
from our feral overlords on a
transport vessel
called the Iron Star.
BEEPING
Please help us.
We're in great danger.
An SOS distress call?
I'll try and re-establish
a link, sir.
Sod them, Kryten.
We've reached an age now where
it's time to enjoy the home comforts
and curl up by a winter fire
and keep taking our various
medications to keep us sprightly.
Not board derelict ships
and have to flee
from giant, genetically engineered
man-eating cheese.
Well, I'm sure Mr Lister
won't agree with you, sir.
Don't tell him, then.
In fact, erase all memory of the
distress call from your memory.
That's an order.
Yes, sir.
BEEPING
Did you do it?
Did I do what, sir?
Did you erase the SOS distress call
from your memory?
We've received
an SOS distress call?!
Damn, why did I say that? Right,
erase all memory of
me asking you to erase
all memory of the SOS distress call
from your memory.
That's another order.
Yes, sir.
BEEPING
Have you? Have I what, sir?
Have you...just done
what I asked you to do?
You mean have I
fixed the distortion?
Why would I be fixing
the distortion?
BEEPING
Sir! I think we've received
an SOS distress call!
Erase that from your memory too.
That's another order.
Erasing distortion order, sir.
BEEPING
What's the last thing you remember?
You want me to follow you, sir.
How did I get here?
We were in the corridor.
I knew I needed a service!
Excellent.
Guys, guys, you're never gonna guess
what we've found, me and Cat.
You see, I told you it wasn't all
junk in the sleeping quarters.
I refuse to even step into
that toxic cesspit of filth.
What have you found, sir?
Holly's spare disc.
The defence rests.
Holly had a spare disc?
Oh, where is it?
Let's get it installed.
That's his disc?
Back in the day, this was the
forefront of advanced technology.
I bet people couldn't believe how
they'd managed to cram
his entire operating system
onto such a teeny-weeny disc.
Well, hold on, where's it gonna go?
We're looking for a slot bigger than
the Incredible Hulk's butt crack.
I always wondered what this was for.
What are we waiting for?
Let's get Holly booted up!
OK, come on, bring her round.
To me, to me.
Higher.
Higher, higher, higher, and push.
WHIRRING AND BEEPING
It still works.
DIAL-UP BEEPS
It's connecting to the ship.
DIAL-UP TONE
I am Red Dwarf's computer.
I have an IQ of 6,000.
What's wrong with him?
He's been in the cargo bay
for three million years,
leaning up against a damp wall.
That should've made him better,
not worse.
Who are you? Please explain.
Ah, of course.
He's returned to factory settings.
He doesn't know who we are.
Holly, allow me to introduce myself.
I am First Technician
Arnold J Rimmer, BSC, SSC.
Acting Senior Officer of Red Dwarf.
This is Kryten,
an unimportant sanitation droid.
Cat - a Felis sapiens.
And Lister - a human.
Or so he maintains.
I can't find any record of Kryten
or a Cat in the ship's manifest.
No records? I've won best ass
on board for 30 years straight!
That's cos they weren't part
of the original crew, Hol.
Cat descended
from domestic house cats
and we found Kryten
on this crashed ship, the Nova 5.
He was looking after three
skeletons. Totally unhinged.
But now I'm on Red Dwarf,
fitting right in!
Are you aware of the role
I perform, Hologram Rimmer?
You're the Red Dwarf computer,
Holly. You control the ship.
I'm also tasked with appraising
Red Dwarf's worth
to the Jupiter Mining Corporation
and decommissioning it
if it serves no useful purpose.
Oh, God.
Obviously, this doesn't happen
while a ship
has a crew performing
essential duties.
Oh, God.
Or even performing duties
to an adequate level.
ALL: Oh, God.
Ah, but Holly, if I may,
JMC protocol insists
no ship may be decommissioned
if it contains living crew members
who are listed on the manifest.
All righty, then, we're sorted.
I'm listed.
Looking through the records,
Crewman Lister,
I see you smuggled
an unquarantined cat on board.
As a result, you have forfeited
all your crew privileges,
including your rights of residency
on Red Dwarf.
I will therefore
decommission the ship.
Meaning what?
Red Dwarf will be retired
from active service.
He's crazy.
As part of this process, the ship's
nuclear reactors will be dumped
in the nearest black hole,
along with the ship's hologram.
He's starting to win me around.
You can't dump me in a black hole.
I have my rights!
We want to appeal.
Maybe not all of us.
I will begin the
deactivation process.
Due to the complexity of this
operation, it will take seven days.
Kryten said you wanted to see me.
Yeah, I need your advice.
This door keeps jamming.
And you want to repair this now?
I've no record of
a malfunctioning door in airlock 7.
Ah, well, maybe the feedback
system's down as well, Hol.
We'll check it out, yeah?
Cover your mouth.
He can't hear us?
He may have an IQ of 6,000
but is he as smart as us
when we put our heads together?
Not even close.
Look at him, the gormless gimp.
Can't hear a word we say.
So what are we gonna do?
No choice. We're going
to have to shut him down.
But how?
EMP.
Electromagnetic pulse weapon?
Everything shuts down,
we uninstall Holly.
Then we toss the dozy wazzock back
on the garbage pile he came from.
Kryten's working on the EMP right
now in the mineral ore storage bay.
Set to go off at noon.
Just 60 seconds.
I'm supposed to be fixing this door,
so let's look busy, yeah? Mm-hm.
All fixed now, Hol.
Just for the record, I heard
every word you said in there.
Dozy wazzock, gormless gimp.
Everything.
What about stupid bald git?
You didn't say that in there.
No, but I'm saying it now.
An EMP? I know your plan.
It's not happening.
Oh, really? And where's Kryten?
He's in the MOS.
Detonating a meteorite
to create electromagnetic energy
to take out the ship's grid at noon.
Which is precisely
ten seconds from now,
and there ain't a damn thing
you can do to stop him, baldy!
Tonight's the night.
Not tonight, Krytes. Now!
You said 12am, sir.
12am. Noon.
But 12am is midnight, sir.
Is it? I thought 12am was noon.
No, that's 12pm, sir.
Oh!
ALARM SOUNDS
The mineral ore storage bay is now
sealed off until further notice.
Also, your seven-day leaving period
has been reduced to seven minutes.
ALARMS
What are we gonna do now?
We have to take Starbug
and find a new ship.
Oh, screw your head on, Kryten.
We haven't passed a ship in yonks.
That's not strictly true.
In fact, we passed one yesterday.
We did? Why didn't you tell us, sir?
I did, Kryten. I told you.
Oh, come on.
I knew I needed a service!
If we fire up the burners, we can
catch that ship in a couple of days.
WHOOSHING
AS LISTER: "If we fire up the
burners on Starbug,
"we could catch that ship
in a couple of days."
The thing about space is...
Don't say it's big.
It is big. It's really big.
94 billion light years in diameter,
in fact.
Sometimes I can't find stuff
in our fridge,
and that's only three feet
in diameter.
BEEPING
Wait, I'm getting something!
Oh, I don't think it's the ship that
passed Red Dwarf,
it's something else.
Some kind of deep-space
reconnaissance ship.
Handshaking now.
The ship is called the Iron Star
and was built several hundred years
after Red Dwarf
with, presumably, all that brings
in technological advances.
If this ship's in decent nick,
we could've struck gold here.
This could be our new home.
I'll download the Iron Star's
floor plan and show you round.
Iron Star.
Obviously needs some TLC,
but it's the perfect ship for those
crews looking for a project.
And most importantly,
there's no forward chain.
The AAR is now complete.
It is now safe to remove helmets.
How come Helmet-head gets
to stay on Starbug?
Space Corps Directive 76239.
"Extreme caution should be taken
on the naturist deck
"when peeling carrots"?
Derelict ships have to be made safe
before the senior officer
ventures onboard.
Hey, what's this?
What is that place?
I believe it's their hologram
projection suite, sir.
It looks like the Iron Star was able
to sustain multiple holograms.
They had tech way in advance
of anything on Red Dwarf.
Yeah, it doesn't look like you have
to wind up anything round here.
So how'd they do it?
A form of quantum energy
known as diamond light.
It enables holograms
to have unimaginable powers.
I'll be right down!
WHIRRING
What's this?
It creates a force field around food
you've elected not to eat.
Must be some kind of slimming aid.
It's on the no-meat vegan setting.
Smart cutlery. No thanks.
I like me cutlery stupid.
So what does this tech do?
Can it upgrade my light bee?
Well, according to the notes,
it gives holograms the ability
to manipulate light
in all its forms.
What the hell does that mean?
I'm not exactly sure.
I suggest we take
the tech back to Starbug
and conduct further tests before
we embark on an untested pathway.
I'm not waiting while you conduct
your namby-pamby European Space
Agency safety tests,
with me having to go before a
committee
of meddling grey-suited
bureau-droids
and answer multiple-choice questions
on where I'm most likely
to find a croissant.
I'll take my chances now,
thank you so much.
But, sir, this is technology
we're unfamiliar with.
We need more time
to evaluate if it's safe!
Kryten, I want the upgrade now,
and that's an order.
Deactivate.
WHIRRING
Are you sure this is safe?
Perhaps I'm over-worrying, sir.
After all,
what's the worst that can happen?
I'm making a list.
I'm up to ten already.
Make that 11.
What's going on?
I'm back to soft light.
Er, no need to panic, sir. I believe
it's just going through the gears.
With every jump I feel stronger,
better, more powerful.
It's still going.
I haven't felt this amazing
since I catalogued all my books
on obsessive-compulsive disorder
using the Dewey Decimal System.
HEAVENLY MUSIC
Congratulations, sir,
you've upgraded to diamond light.
How do you feel?
DEEP VOICE: Incredible.
I wonder...
I can change objects into light,
and transfer them back
to their solid state again.
Soft and hard light working together
in perfect quantum harmony.
Wait.
I'm a superhero!
I need a name.
Glitter Guy.
No, something better.
The Mighty Light.
I've never felt so powerful,
so utterly amaze...
Mighty Light?
More like Shitey Sprite.
WHIRRING
What happened? As you know,
we chose not to carry out European
Space Agency safety checks.
As a consequence, the power surge
has fried your battery.
Your light bee won't hold any
charge. Uh-uh!
The only way of powering you up now
is from an independent power source.
I'm plugged in?!
Well, without being plugged in,
you have just a few minutes of
charge time left.
From Glitter Guy to the Cable Kid.
And once your charge is spent,
it's almost certain
you'll shut down permanently.
Though I'm not getting my hopes up.
Why on Earth did we do the transfer
without carrying out
the proper safety tests?
Well, because you ordered me
not to, sir.
Yes, but why did you listen to me?
You know I often don't know
what I'm talking about,
and when I don't,
it's your job to say something.
Well, I did try, sir.
Clearly not hard enough.
You are on report.
Kryten 2X4B.
Offence...
..listening to me.
Come on, let's check out the rest of
the ship. Are we moving in or what?
And what am I supposed to do?
Stay here?
Oh, you can come too.
Just use the extension leads.
Yeah.
I'm Acting Senior Officer
on this ship.
I have a certain standing,
dignity and stature.
I'm not an electric hedge trimmer!
Is this the right way?
I think we might have taken
a wrong turn, sir.
Whichever way we go, just make sure
there are enough plug sockets.
I'm sure we've been this way before.
Oh, sorry.
Who were they?
Just some people. What?
It's him! The Holy Poppadom!
He has come back,
as predicted by the Book Of Smeg!
I can speak!
A miracle!
I-I am Brother Sol.
I'm Sister Luna.
Sister Peanut. I can speak.
I couldn't before. Cos of you.
What are you doing here?
We are fleeing from the Feral Cats
who seek to kill us
for spreading your teachings.
Wait, do you think
I'm some kind of god?
We don't think,
Holy Poppadom, we know.
Ever since I was a child, I've had
three meals of vindaloo a day,
as the sacred writings said we must.
Only then will we be rid
of the evil inside of us.
You did what?
Listen, there's been
a massive misunderstanding
based on half-truths
and...misunderstanding.
I'm just a man.
No-one special. A nobody, really.
Come on, guys, back me up here.
Well, he's a nobody. He's less
than nobody. An absolute zero.
It's as we always imagined.
Truly humble.
You have been such an inspiration
to us, Holy Poppadom,
as our society fell to the Ferals
and their tyrannical regime.
Ferals?
Cats,
like you and I, brother, but vain
and shallow creatures
who share nothing and care about
nobody but themselves.
There are people out there
like that?
But fear not, Holy Poppadom, for
we have stolen the Anubis Stone...
..which holds untold powers
to whoever possesses it.
Anubis? Who's he?
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
According to the scriptures,
he who possesses the sacred stone
shall fend off his enemies and lead
his people to the promised land.
What is it?
On first look, I thought
it was serendibite,
one of the most precious minerals
in the universe.
But on closer inspection, I realised
it's varnished beetle dung.
Not so precious, then.
It is to them.
We are so blessed to have finally
met our Holy Poppadom.
PLAYING CYMBALS
# Cloister, David Cloister
# Cloister, Cloisty
Cloister, Cloisty
# Cloister, David Cloister
# Cloister, Cloisty
# Cloister, Cloisty... #
Guys, guys. Guys.
Let's take this from the top.
My name isn't Cloister, it's Lister.
# David, David Lister
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy... #
Guys, guys... Let me finish.
OK.
So, years ago...
HE GASPS
A sermon!
A sermon in the corridor!
All right. Years ago...
Er, sir, may I have a word?
What, now? One minute, guys.
You can't tell them the truth.
But I have to.
These nutters think I'm their god.
Sir, if you tell them the truth,
you'll break their hearts
and crush their souls.
Oh, you're right. I have to play
along. Act like a god.
Act like a god?
You've scarcely mastered human.
Well, they surely won't be with us
for long. What harm can it do?
BEEPING
Oh, what's this?
Energy signature, incoming.
Some kind of boarding party
beaming in.
Hey, cat buds, are you being
followed? The Ferals!
They're here, and they will not rest
until we have meowed our last.
We beseech you, Holy Poppadom,
protect us.
Hang on. How do we know
they're not bait?
Bait? Who's the fish?
Look in the mirror and do this.
You know what? I've gotta help them.
After all, they are my followers.
My friends, be not afraid.
Follow me.
"Be not afraid"?
This god lark's
gone straight to his head.
No, it be this way.
Thy went left
when thy meant to go right.
Wait for me!
So it's you
who shelter our runaway clerics.
Who the hell are you?
I am the Commander of the Armies
of the Feral Guards,
General of the Fearless Legions,
Feral King,
and one goddamn gorgeous pussycat.
HE HISSES
Where is the Anubis Stone?
Come on now, give it up.
Or you shall die.
And after you're dead,
we will present your bloody corpses
to our people as a gift.
A "pamper me" bath and candle set
often hits the mark too.
HE SNARLS
Who wants to die first?
If it's OK with everyone,
I'd like to go ninth.
Silence, cat traitor!
Whore man.
Bitch of the people.
How comes this guy can't stand me?
He's only known me for 20 seconds.
He's probably just saving time.
You can't harm anyone any more,
Rodon.
Look who is with us. Cloister,
the god of our people.
That be I.
God who has created nothing but hate
and division and war and death.
I've done some other stuff too.
If I allow you to live,
my sovereignty would dribble
through my fingers
like fine grains of kitty litter.
You must die.
Look, what is it that you guys
want? The Anubis Stone.
Ah. Well, we had that.
We... We did have it,
but, er, then we lost it.
Didn't we, my followers?
No, we didn't. It is here.
And now we are protected
by our Holy Poppadom,
we will never give up the stone.
Never. Ever.
Get the stone.
Me, my Feral King?
You are my royal aide, aren't you?
I'm... I'm more of a food
and dining services sort of aide...
Having trouble putting on
a bow tie - that's not me.
Getting mystical stones
off people - not really me either.
Get the stone.
Right away, my Feral King.
Try and take the stone,
and Cloister's wrath will be vented.
Hail will rain down.
Plagues unleashed.
Men will be turned
into slabs of salt.
Yeah, and not just normal salt,
like low-sodium sea salt.
Go get the goddamn stone!
On my way. Here I go.
Excuse me, sorry. Coming through.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry. Sorry, coming through.
Watch what happens now as they defy
the will of our Holy Poppadom.
Flush 'em out of an airlock.
Let the cat people witness
the consequences
of questioning my sovereignty.
ALL HISS
Cat. What?
Vegan forks!
They won't let us stab meat!
We can only stab tofu
and processed meat substitutes!
Sir! Some lettuce! Catch!
Ah, not so confident now, are you?
WEAPONS POWER UP
Ah. OK. I'm dropping the lettuce.
Lister, where are you?
Meow!
My Alpha.
Where are they?
I grow weary waiting.
Destroy the Iron Star.
But, my Alpha, two of your
party are still on board.
Send fish to their mamas.
Launch the meow missiles.
Now!
MISSILES MEOWING
Ow!
I'm unplugged.
I've only got a minute or so left.
Have faith.
EXPLOSION
How are we doing, Holy Poppadom?
Are we passing your test?
EXPLOSION
Argh!
THUDDING
And his wrath was mighty.
EXPLOSION
We need to get to Starbug.
We'll use the lift.
But you're not supposed
to use lifts at times like this!
No, that's just fires.
When you're on disintegrating
spaceships, no-one minds.
EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE
Engines on.
Retros on.
We are outta here.
The Iron Star's disintegrating.
We've got to get out of
the debris field!
Something's caught us!
It's debris hitting
the stern section, sir.
We're on fire. The ship is on fire.
It's heat from the fuel tanks.
We're going to explode.
No choice.
Stand by for module separation.
Uncoupling now!
Stern ejected.
Excellent quick thinking, Listy.
Just one question.
How are you proposing to fly
what remains of the ship
when all the engines
are in the bit you've just ejected?
I'm probably worrying needlessly,
I know.
To be honest, I didn't have
an amazing amount of time
to go through every option. You mean
like use a fire extinguisher?
Use a fire extinguisher!
That could've worked too.
I just thought at the time, "Ship's
on fire. Get rid of the fiery bit."
Get rid of the fiery bit, worry
about the fly-ey bit later?
Tomorrow's another day.
Unfortunately, we need to get past
today to get to tomorrow,
and it's the today part of your
whizzo escape plan that concerns me.
Kryten,
what's our present flight path?
It's down, sir.
Could you possibly be a bit more
specific?
Well, it's straight down, sir.
Heading for that desert moon
that's directly below us.
Anyone know how to land a cockpit?
There'll be a way. Kryten will know.
He always knows about stuff
like this.
Not absolutely always, sir,
as I'm about to prove.
How come you don't know? I thought
you were meant to be a major astro.
That's the predictive text misspell
for what he is.
Well, what are we gonna do?
The owner's manual.
Look for the owner's manual.
You'll find it with the service
history and the MOT.
Is this it?
Oh, this is interesting. What?
Apparently, the infotainment touch
screen has a pinch-to-zoom feature
and delivers the richest
audiovisual entertainment
in any low-budget ship-to-planet
transport vehicle to date.
Who knew that?
Look, we're entering the upper
atmosphere.
The ship's not slowing down.
The atmosphere's too thin.
"Landing."
Got it. 247.
43, 45, 47.
"Launch parachute."
Parachute? Launching parachute.
Launching parachute!
Where's the parachute?
There's no parachute. It's not here.
How can it not be here?
Er, is the parachute that, er,
big shiny fluffy piece of material
with coloured stripes?
You removed the emergency parachute
to make yourself a Puffa jacket?
Not just a Puffa. I got a pair of
mittens out of it, too!
It was silk.
What did you want me to do?
Relax, sirs,
there's an emergency backup.
Is there? Or is the backup parachute
now hanging in your wardrobe
next to your leather jacket
made out of the ejector seats?
When have I ever had
two suits the same?
I used one parachute.
Launching parachute.
Retros on.
Touchdown in five seconds.
Brace for impact.
Starbug has landed.
Permission to go into apeshit
mode. Permission granted.
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
What now?
Oh, we've gotta take stock.
Food, water, fuel. What have we got?
Food - none.
Water - none.
Fuel...
BUTTONS CLICKING
..none.
but an escape ship has been detected
fleeing from the Iron Star.
There's every reason to suspect
it is piloted by the humans.
Also, worryingly, the Anubis Stone
appears to be nothing more than
varnished beetle dung.
So they still have
the real Anubis Stone.
Find them.
My Alpha.
A fresh scratching post, my King.
So, after cleverly jettisoning the
engines and all the ship's fuel,
very much looking forward
to Listy's screw-up part deux.
Look, there's no need to panic.
I've been in holes before and got
out of it.
Remember that radiation leak
on Red Dwarf?
It killed the entire crew,
including me.
But I got out of it.
Proving my point.
Sorry to disturb you.
We just wanted to congratulate you
on your expert landing.
You know, when the ship was on fire,
some of us...
..were starting to have doubts,
but we knew you would save us, HP.
You are truly amazing.
Aw, you guys.
What are these ragamuffins like, eh?
So what's your plan now,
Holy Poppadom?
Create another amazing miracle
so we can escape and find
the promised land?
Working on it now, Sister Luna.
Got lots of ideas floating round
the almighty brain box.
Just wanna come up with
something truly special.
Oh, can't wait. Neither can we.
Anyway, erm, I've gotta get on.
Anything else?
Yeah, one question. Giving birth -
why did you make it hurt?
And why did you make babies cry at
night
rather than just during the day
when everyone's awake? Yeah.
That's two questions.
Oh, I got one.
Why do we have to bathe?
Wouldn't it be easier
just to make us all non-stick?
And, erm, how come
we can't turn our head 360 degrees?
Wouldn't that have made reversing
a bit easier?
And-and-and male genitals -
did you... Did you run out of time?
Look, all good questions,
terrific questions,
but I've gotta get on.
I'm really busy.
I've gotta save us,
and then there's a whole bunch
of people I've gotta forgive,
so, you know...
Of course, of course.
We must leave you to create
your next miracle of wonderment.
Exactly.
What am I going to do?
They're relying on me!
Er, sir, a thought occurs.
If we crash-landed, perhaps some of
the Iron Star crash-landed too.
So? Well, so if we can find some of
the debris,
maybe it can offer us
a way off this rock.
Wait, the Iron Star
had working teleporters, right?
Precisely.
We're in two-thirds of a spaceship
with no fuel. How are we supposed
to find this debris?
Well, I'll... I'll read the owner's
manual, see if I can find anything.
Oh, this is interesting!
Don't tell me. The heated seats
have a massage function.
You've read it too?
FAINTLY: # Lister, David Lister
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, David Lister
Lister, Listy... #
Listen to them! I can't bear this.
Gonna have to tell them
who I really am.
But sir, while they believe in you,
they have hope.
If you tell them the truth,
it will destroy them.
You're right. I can't tell them.
You've got to.
Me? Why me?
It'll be better coming from you.
How so?
I won't have to be there.
Be there to see the silent
disappointment in their eyes.
Remembering your history with women,
I'd have thought
you'd be immune to that by now.
Have you finished?
Was said by no woman to you.
As I'm a god, I forgive you for
that.
What's the point of telling them?
What's in it for us?
It's not about us, Rimmer,
it's about them.
They're relying on me to pull
some supernatural wonder
out of me magic miracle box.
If they knew the truth,
at least they'd stop depending on me
and start thinking for themselves.
I've never thought for myself,
and it's never done me any harm.
But you're dead.
Dead because you didn't question
the order to repair
an unrepairable drive plate.
You didn't think for yourself.
My body may be dead,
but my personality was resurrected
to act as a hologrammatic mentor to
you.
And do you know why, out of the
entire crew, I was selected to
return?
Yeah - Holly was nuts.
Because I never think for myself,
I obey orders and I always carry a
pen.
That's a creed I've lived by
my whole life.
It's a creed that takes you places.
Yeah - straight through
the cremation curtain and into an
urn.
Thinking for yourself is surely the
greatest lesson of all.
That's why I taught it to you,
Krytes.
It transformed my life
and allowed me to become so much
more than just a sanitation droid.
And it could do the same
for these nutjobs.
So go on, get out there,
tell 'em who I really am.
I have some bad news.
I think you should all sit down.
Oh, you are. Oh.
Well, perhaps sit down and hold on,
then.
Right, here goes.
Mr Lister...
There's something you should know.
You see, well, the thing is...
EMOTIONALLY: He's the most
wonderful, amazing man I've ever
met!
I absolutely adore him!
I thought I should put you straight
on that.
Oh!
How'd it go? Did you tell them?
After everything you've done for me,
sir, I just couldn't.
I'll go again.
I must apologise.
Er, last time, I told you Mr Lister
was the most wonderful, amazing man.
That's not quite the whole picture.
In fact, he's staggeringly
incredible and stupendous too!
Yeus... De-doh!
You tell them!
I'm hopeless at telling them.
What's the problem?
I just can't bring myself
to criticise you, sir.
Well, someone's gotta tell 'em.
I'm a cat, they're cats.
Let me take care of this.
Yo, buds.
What is it with you guys?
That guy in there ain't your God.
He ain't nobody.
Did he not go into stasis
and save the mother of our people?
Well...OK, he did that.
Did he not refuse to betray her
to the authorities and now we live?
Well, OK, he did that too.
And did he not give me the power of
speech when before I had no such
gift?
# David Lister
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy
# Lister
# David Lister
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# Lister
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy, Lister... #
They've converted him!
Why can no-one criticise me?
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I once did a course
in the art of breaking bad news.
I came top of the class.
I was particularly proud of
one of the simulation scenarios
where I had to tell a man
who'd just regained consciousness
that the emergency rescue team
hadn't found his penis.
Although, sadly, his dog had.
Kryten, watch and learn!
Right, you lot.
I'm cutting straight to the chase,
You've devoted your lives
to worshipping a feckless...
DULL THUD
A piece of the bridge landed!
Thank you, Holy Poppadom.
We are truly blessed.
Another miracle.
How is a huge chunk of crashed
spaceship
hurtling towards us
at 1,000mph a miracle?
'Tis not for us to question.
I think it probably is.
Too late!
Aargh!
Argh!
Ah!
There may be working teleporters on
there.
Did you know the landing retros
swivel
and can be used as a makeshift
hovercraft?
That's all very well,
but we don't have any fuel.
Well, according to the manual,
Starbug is a hybrid, sir.
We can switch to electric.
Then what are we waiting for?
Hovercraft mode. Engaging now.
Guys, go strap yourselves back in.
WAGGLES SWITCH
Nothing's happening.
Well, it's electric. It doesn't make
any engine noise, sir. It's already
started.
OK, let's go.
How much charge have we got?
According to the readouts, 57%,
sir. Excellent.
However, as we don't know
how long our journey might take,
to conserve power
I suggest we travel on eco mode.
I hope you're paying attention,
Lister.
Here is someone with a brain
larger than a pea
coming up with a rescue strategy
that's thought through and
intelligent.
I also suggest we turn off
all non-essential electricals.
You mean me?
Not just you, sir.
There's the air conditioning,
the lights, the seat warmers.
And where do I come on this list?
Above seat warmers but below air
con?
Are you outta your mind?
We need those seat warmers.
The desert gets chilly at night.
Er, sir, could I suggest
you enter low-power mode?
Low-power mode. I hate low-power
mode.
My vision's standard def,
I can only hear in mono,
and when there's electronic
interference, I wind up looking all
snowy.
But it's the only way to preserve
what's left of Starbug's charge,
sir.
SIGHS
POWERS DOWN
Wow, look at him. He looks like
an old movie you don't wanna watch.
OK, no need to say anything.
But this is freaky, bud.
It's like seeing a tortoise
without its shell.
CRACKLY: Er, hello, I'm here.
I can hear all this.
But he's not real, is he? You
forget.
I am real. Of course I'm real!
Yeah, but you're not really real,
you're dead.
This really brings it home.
You're creeping me out.
As the French philosopher
Rene Descartes once said,
"I think, therefore I am."
"Je pense, donc je...
"...am."
But you don't think, do ya?
Guys, guys, come on.
Of course I think.
What are you talking about?
No, you don't.
You don't decide what you do.
The computer in your light bee
does all your thinking for you.
There's no actual you
to think or not think anything.
Oh, sir, please!
Can you stop being so...
..catty?
Grr!
There's no actual me
to think or not think anything?
I've never actually thought about
that.
I haven't got free will, then, have
I?
So it's not, "I think, therefore I
am."
It's, "The computer thinks,
therefore I think I am."
I've never actually
thought about that before.
And you're not thinking about it
now.
It's your light bee making you think
you're thinking about it.
Cat, man, back the smeg off. OK?
I don't actually exist, then, do
I?
You see what you've done, sir?
You've put Mr Rimmer
in existential crisis mode.
And look! The added anxiety
is consuming more of our battery!
Guys, if we're gonna get through
this, we need to stick together.
What's the point? We're screwed.
Well, I'm not. I don't exist.
MEOW! EXPLOSION
What the hell was that?!
The Ferals - they've found us.
MEOW!
MEOW!
Fire everything we have!
MEOW!
From the heat signature, it's one
ship coming in at six o'clock.
Open the sun roof.
There's no point.
I forgot to bring my surrender flag.
I take it everywhere with me, and on
the one day I think I won't need
it...
We're not surrendering.
Cat, stand on the chair
and start blasting
out the emergency escape hatch.
Wait, more trouble
coming in from port side.
I'm getting it too, sir.
It's a sandstorm.
At 4.9 on the Stanley scale.
Three miles high and 60 miles wide.
Not according to this.
It's 6.3 on the Stanley scale
and it's coming on the starboard
side. Is it possible
we could be looking at two
sandstorms,
both heading towards us
from opposite sides?
We're gonna be the filling
in a sandstorm sandwich.
Kryten, likely outcome if we get
hit?
Paintwork damage
and front panel replacement
required on both sides, sir.
What about cover?
Getting insured at this point
ain't gonna solve anything.
Cover from the sandstorms,
you brainless cretin.
To answer your question,
the nearest cover
is the debris up ahead, sir.
Can we reach it in time?
I don't believe we can.
MEOW!
We need to go faster.
We're flat-out, full power.
They're catching us!
MEOW!
OK, only one thing for it.
Gotta fly into the sandstorm.
What?
Have you lost your mind?
A couple of miles in, we'll kill
all power. They'll never find us.
They'll never find us
because we'll be sandstorm soup!
There could be a tornado
of debris parts in there.
Have you got a better idea?
Lister, fly into the sandstorm.
And that's an order.
WHIRRING AND BEEPING
Ohh. Nothing to do now but just
to sit tight and wait for it to blow
over.
How long's that gonna take?
Could be days.
I'm wondering
if I'm doing the right thing.
What d'you mean?
Hanging on.
Draining Starbug's battery.
Maybe it would be better if I just
pulled my own plug and be done with
it.
But if you powered down,
you'd be dead.
I'm already dead.
Why am I here?
What's the point of me?
The only reason I was ever brought
back
was because I was
diametrically opposite to you.
I don't fit in. No-one likes me.
People like you. Of course they like
you.
Name one person on Red Dwarf
who likes me.
Oh, come on, I'm not getting
into a naming contest, Rimmer.
But there's...people on board
that... like you.
Name one.
Oh, come on.
Name one!
OK... Erm, what about Skutter on B
Deck? He likes you.
The one who's mental?
The one who eats shoes?
He still likes you.
Erm..
That dispenser on C Deck,
the one that leaks. That likes you.
It likes everyone. It's leaky. Who
else?
Kryten?
Kryten does not like me.
He thinks I'm a petty-minded,
bureaucratic, power-hungry control
freak.
But he still likes you. Admires you,
even.
He told me he liked and admired you
just the other day.
Yeah? What did he say?
That he liked and admired you -
just the other day.
Really?
Really.
DOOR OPENS
A warm drink, sir.
Don't ask where from.
It'll taste better that way.
Not now, Kryten.
We're in the middle of something.
Lister was saying you like and
admire me, Kryten. Is that true?
Look, he nodded.
He didn't move.
That was a proper nod.
A definite seven-degree vertical
tilt. How could you miss that?
Look, he did it again.
And again.
Kryten, do you like me?
Well, do you?
CREAKING
CLUNK!
CREAKING
CLUNK!
There you go. What did I tell you?
If that'll be all, sirs,
I think I'll go and change heads.
I think I may just have ruined this
one.
You must think I'm stupid.
Give me one reason why I
shouldn't...
..unplug right now.
BEEPING
Whoa! Whoa!
Look, we need you.
I need you.
Why?
To bounce off, you know, ideas and
stuff.
You don't need me.
I'm not sure you ever did.
I don't exist .What's the point of
me?
Rimmer, we're the posse.
We're the boys from the Dwarf.
We're like the Four Musketeers.
D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos.
And the other one.
Rimmer, you're the other one.
I'm the "other one"?
You do all the stuff
that the other one does.
And what's that, then?
"Other one" stuff.
"Other one" stuff?
What's "other one" stuff?
All the stuff that the others
haven't done that the other one
does.
I'm pointless.
No, you're not.
You know, I'll tell you the point of
you.
A moon cannot make light, right?
And yet there's such a thing as
moonlight.
It's light reflected off a moon
from a sun.
Yeah, but the sun can't make
moonlight without the moon.
And the moon can't make moonlight
without the sun.
So who's making the moonlight?
They both are.
Which means that, even though a moon
cannot make light, moonlight exists.
Like you.
Smeghead.
POWERS UP
SNORING
Oh, er, time to wake up, sirs.
The sandstorm has blown over.
It's morning, sirs.
GARGLES
OK, a new day, a new dawn. Let's
crack on, see if we can find this
teleporter, yeah?
Er, that doesn't appear
to be possible sir.
What d'you mean?
Well, the sandstorm has buried us
alive.
Are you sure?
Has anyone been outside to check?
If we could get outside to check,
we wouldn't be buried alive.
We'd just be parked in a large hole.
How buried are we, Krytes?
If it's only a couple of feet,
maybe we could force open the
emergency escape hatch in the roof.
Well, permission to go on a recce,
sir?
And how are you planning on doing
that?
WHIRRING
WHIRRING
DRILLING
DRILL BIT CLANKS
WHIRRING
BEEPING AND WHIRRING
WHIRRING
Well? What did you discover?
We're in the desert, sir, no
question.
We know that,
botched-Botox-injection-head.
What else?
Well, there's no sign
of the Iron Star debris, sirs,
which means it's over the horizon
at least three miles away.
How far down are we?
We're buried alive! I'm about as
down as it's possible to be!
About seven foot below ground level,
sir,
meaning the weight of sand makes it
impossible for us to dislodge it.
Sorry to disturb you.
We were just wondering
when you were gonna perform
your next miracle.
It's just...some of us are a bit
tired, but I don't wanna miss it.
Go back to sleep, Sol. No miracles
are planned for the next little
while.
OK. I can't wait to see the next
one.
See you later, Holy Poppadom.
How can they think I'm their god?
I mean, look at the state of me.
How could this have happened?
Well, it happened
because of a random act of kindness
when you refused to allow
your pet cat to be put down,
an act that not only saved your own
life, but created a new species.
Who wouldn't have done that, though?
Me.
And me.
And, as at the time I was programmed
to obey all orders, me.
But then everything gets twisted,
and three million years later,
people are having religious wars
in your name.
Don't blame yourself, sir.
That happens to gods a lot.
What a total mess. We'd have been
better off staying on Red Dwarf
and taking our chances with Holly.
What? We wouldn't even be here
if it wasn't for his crazy damn
spare disc.
Wait a minute.
Kryten, stand here, and stick your
antenna through the drill hole.
You wanna listen to Hammond Organ FM
at a time like this?
Just do it.
WHIRRING
Now, see if you can contact Red
Dwarf and get Holly on the screen.
One second, sir. Logging on.
FAINT BEEPS AND CRACKLING
FAINT MUSIC
On screen now, sir.
Holly, can you read me? Over.
Yes, I can, Hologram Rimmer. Over.
Now, listen carefully, Holly.
Transfer original Holly's last saved
backup file into your CPU.
And why would I want do that,
Hologram Rimmer?
Because you'll inherit everything
the old Holly acquired
over the three million years
he was alone in deep space.
I'll become as brilliant
as he must've been.
An intellectual colossus.
Exactly.
I accept your suggestion.
But if he does that,
won't he wind up crazier
than a dog that just got bathed?
If he's back to his original self,
he'll know who we are and help us.
What's going on?
I feel a bit funny.
What's happening?
What's happening, dudes?
ALL CHEER
We're stranded on this moon
in Starbug, Hol.
No water, no food, no supplies.
Is there any way to get out?
Have you considered opening the
door?
We're buried alive
under a sandstorm, Holly.
Gotcha.
Let me run some deep analysis
probability-based event scenarios.
I'll be back when I've done it.
Right, I've done it.
So soon? That's amazing.
I'm not pretending this is gonna be
easy,
and I have to get the calculations
just right.
OK, what's the plan?
I take one of Red Dwarf's
thermonuclear mining torpedoes
and I blow up the moon.
And you'll be thrown clear in the
blast.
Is that safe?
I'm miles away. I'll be fine.
No. Is it safe for us?
Well, I'm no expert,
but I wouldn't have thought so, no.
Look, Holly, I know
we're in a tight spot here,
but I don't want you to do anything
crazy.
It's a bit late saying that now.
What d'you mean?
Well, I've already fired off the
torpedo.
Impact in less than 60 seconds.
Are you sure that was wise, Holly?
I've done all the computation
analysis.
Taken in to consideration exact
point of impact, the depth of
explosion,
the weight of the ship,
texture of the desert,
the moon's gravity.
And I think I've got everything
absolutely spot on.
Oh, no, I missed.
You missed the moon?
Maybe my calculations
weren't as spot on as I thought.
How's that happened?
I think it's to do
with the nine times table.
It's... It's never been my
favourite, that one.
God help us all.
There, that should fix it.
I'll have another go.
Here we go.
How do you know this'll be any
better?
Well, this one's definitely
gonna hit the moon,
so at least it won't be as
embarrassing as the last one.
Yeah, but will it be better for us?
Depends on whether
you get blown up or not.
And if you do, how you take it.
A lot of people get quite shirty.
Here it comes.
ALL YELL
CRASHING AND BANGING
CRASHING AND BANGING CONTINUES
Hoo! The best miracle yet, Holy
Poppadom. What a truly wondrous day.
Just thought I'd check in.
Did anyone survive?
We all did, Holl.
No way!
How did you survive?
You saved us.
That actually worked, then?
That's a miracle, that is.
Anything else I can help you with
today?
Yeah, get us back to Red Dwarf,
will you, Holl?
I'll come and get you.
Hey! Yeah!
Come my, followers, let our hearts
sing on this joyous day.
Yeah!
# Lister, David Lister
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# David Lister... #
Suggest you plug into me, sir,
until we can get you powered up
again.
Let's get Red Dwarf the hell out of
here.
Holly, why didn't you tell us
the ferals were onboard?
Were they holding you hostage?
No. I just forgot.
You cannot defeat us, Rodon.
Our Holy Poppadom
will always repel our enemies.
At least that's what the
scriptures say.
Maybe I missed the small print.
Uhh!
Let's test these scriptures now,
shall we...Sister?
Tell me where the real Anubis Stone
is.
Or watch her die.
We don't know where it is.
You're Cloister. You know
everything.
I'm not. I'm not Cloister.
I mean, you guys think I'm your god
because I once saved a cat
from being put down.
And its kittens eventually
evolved into you guys.
Cloister's just a mushed-up
version of Lister
in the same way everything I did got
mushed up and wound up as sacred
writing.
Well, if you're not Cloister,
then who the hell are you?
I'm a chicken-soup
vending-machine repairman.
You're... You're in charge
of repairing soup machines?
I wasn't actually in charge. I
was...
Second in charge.
Technically, Rimmer was in charge.
So what did you do, then?
He pushed the trolley.
And recommended
what pipe cleaner he should use.
Like a golfer has a caddy.
I was like the caddy
for the chicken-soup repairman.
So Rimmer would be like, er,
"Pass me a 14B,"
and I'd be like, "Hold on, Rimmer,
"the air con's on cold and we're
getting a breeze coming in from the
lifts.
"That clogged-up nozzle could be
iced up. Forget the 14B, mate.
"I think you'll need a 14D."
But the miracles - the shipquake
swallowing up the feral guards,
the debris landing in the desert,
being trapped underground in the
sandstorm and then being thrown
clear?
Just flukes, or coincidence,
or good fortune, or...
..science.
So you're not the god of our people?
No.
And they're not your disciples?
Hell, no!
You're just a ship of fools.
ALL: Yes!
No.
No, you're not a ship of fools.
The only fools here are us.
No. But...what about me?
You gave me the gift of speech.
I think with you it's just
psychosomatic.
You believed in me, so you could
speak.
Now I don't.
So I c-c-c...
Eh...
MOUTHS SILENTLY
I've wasted my entire life.
Chasing a false prophet.
And a stone made of beetle dung.
Our time here is done.
What of your brother?
What, the little pink furry
shag bandit is my brother?
We have checked the records.
It is truly him.
My brother was younger than me.
I've had a hard life!
I ain't no king like you.
One time I nearly had to work!
The worry - it ages you!
Why did you leave him behind?
We left all the uncool ones behind.
He was once uncool?
Crazy teeth, mad hair.
There was no place for him.
So we left him.
And on the day you left, I vowed I'd
never be called uncool again.
And I've been cool ever since.
Well, except the one time we landed
on Backwards World and I needed...
It's a long story.
Well, how do you feel now, brother?
You wanna return to our people, huh?
You wanna come home?
I am home.
This is my home right here.
Blow the Red Dwarf - and everything
on it - to hell and back.
He couldn't have told me that
before I made my choice?!
My Feral King, leaving an enemy to
be killed later by a deadly device
often leads to an ingenious escape.
However, if we kill them now...
Do you see where
I'm coming from with this?
The clowder must witness their
death.
Only then will they realise
there is no Cloister.
And no hope...
..for ever finding a promised land.
My King.
BEEP
BEEPING
Tell me that's not your battery
about to go, Kryten.
Sir, I have been stand-in science
officer for many years.
I'd hardly endanger your lives
by not having enough charge
to see us safely through
any possible...
POWERS DOWN
Thank you, Science Officer.
It means you've only got
a couple of minutes left yourself.
Detonation - one minute
and 50 seconds and counting.
Are you... Are you sure
you don't have one last miracle
up your sleeve, Holy Poppadom?
Like even a sciencey one
would be acceptable now.
FAINT BEEPING
That's my battery. It's gonna die
too.
BEEP
Detonation - one minute
30 seconds and counting.
There's a moon here, Listy,
that wouldn't mind some sunlight.
Detonation...
You've probably got the idea by now.
And counting.
Anubis? Who's he?
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
Why would you embalm something?
To preserve something.
Something inside
that you thought was precious.
BUZZING AND WHOOSHING
Wow.
Detonation... I've lost count.
And counting.
Detonation... A bit less
than the last time. And counting.
WHIRRING
The bomb - go and get it, Mighty.
Detonation - ten seconds,
and counting.
Four, three, two, one.
He's gone. He's really gone.
The asshole sacrificed his life
to save us.
I can't believe he's gone.
OK, I didn't like him,
but I liked not liking him.
Who am I gonna not like now?
He's left such a hole!
WHOOSHING
Rimmer!
We thought you were dead!
I'm already dead, and proud of it.
A smeghead by day, a superhero by
night.
Come on, let's grab a new bug,
hit the ferals before they hit us.
I've got a plan.
What about Kryten?
We'll grab him
and charge him up on the way.
MEOW!
It's coming for us!
MEOW!
Well, isn't this interesting?
Battle to the death.
You with an out-of-commission
transport ship,
and me with a battle cruiser put
together using the finest technology
salvaged from derelicts
the length and breadth of space.
Pow! Meow!
Accelerate! Mark six.
Why are you flying toward us?
Are we playing a game of chicken?
Hold our course.
Four clicks and counting!
If we collide together,
my ship will rip yours apart.
Yeah, but before that happens,
your goons will rip you apart.
It's all yours, Mighty.
Fire everything we have!
What's the goddamn delay?
I said fire everything!
What?
What are you doing?
What's the matter with you?
Yaaargh! No!
EXPLOSION
Wahey!
Holly, plot out a course
for the cat fleet, will ya?
Will do, Dave.
I think some people need taking
home.
Bless you, Lister.
It's a pleasure, my son.
OK, guys, give me a hand
booting up Kryten, yeah?
REGULAR BEEPING
The power-up's not working.
Why is it not working?
You have to keep mechanoids powered
up.
If the battery gets fully drained,
that's it.
But surely
Kryten would've known that, Holly.
Perhaps he needed a service.
BOTH: He did need a service.
So what the hell do we do now?
There's nothing we can do. His
battery can no longer retain a
charge.
The Anubis Stone? You can't use that
on him. I need it.
It's the only way for me
to remain diamond light.
If I don't recharge,
I'll lose all my superpowers.
Mighty, we're gonna have to.
All great superheroes always put the
needs of other people before
themselves.
Not all superheroes.
What about the Fickle Four, who save
only those wearing designer clothes?
Or Dr Dodgy, who saves people
but first asks them to step behind
a curtain and remove their
underwear?
Ugh.
I knew this was too good to last.
What do I do?
OK, just put it inside him
and boot him up.
BUZZING AND WHOOSHING
What happened?
Long story short - I sacrificed
myself and saved the day
while you were lying here without
any charge doing absolutely nothing.
How do you feel about that,
Mr Smart Alec?
That's Alec, by the way,
rhyming with phallic.
A-L-E-C.
In actual fact, it's Aleck with a K,
sir.
After Aleck Hoag.
Yes, yes, yes, whatever.
CHEERING
Ah, brothers and sisters!
LISTER: Hey, so where will you go
now? Go?
Now that you know Fuchal,
the promised land, does not exist?
The promised land
is not a planet, brother.
It's a place in your heart.
It's a way of thinking.
The promised land is right here.
And as the scriptures predicted...
..we've been brought here
by the god of our people.
Thank you.
Aw, thanks, guys.
For introducing him to us.
# Rimmer, Arnold Rimmer
# Rimmer, Rimmy
Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer... #
Oh, my God, I can speak again.
# Rimmer, Rimmy...
# Rimmer, Rimmy... #
I'm a god.
This is gonna look so good on the
old CV.
# Rimmer, Arnold Rimmer
# Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer... #
I will tell you everything.
You will?
Anything. I will answer
any question. OK.
What percentage of the universe
is made of dark matter?
Oh, I... Sorry, I didn't think it
was gonna be general knowledge.
Can I have an entertainment
question? Is the wrong answer.
Sports?
GROWLING
You scratch my back
and I'll scratch yours.
BOTH MEOWING
Why did you betray me?
Oh, yeah, in fairness, it was...
It was a bad decision.
I... I wasn't thinking.
And soon you won't be breathing.
Hoo!
BANGING
Enter.
My Feral King, I am sorry
to interrupt your torturing.
We have arrested more rebels
who have been spreading
the teachings of the holy one.
HEAVENLY MUSIC
HE HISSES
Bring these insurgents to me.
Let me gaze upon their ugliness.
Since I seized power,
there is no other god but me.
Our economy does not work, Rodon.
Few work, none share.
It is only if we embraced
the teachings of Cloister
that we will learn there are greater
treasures looking outward than in.
HE SNARLS
Take them to the marketplace
and hang them.
Let the clowder see insurrection
will not be tolerated.
Get out of the way, you dogs.
WHOOSHING
Come on!
We'll escape, and one day return
to free our people.
CONTROLS BEEP
I'll set a course
for the ship of our birth.
May Cloister watch over us.
LISTER: Omm...
GARGLING
Here he comes now.
You do the talking.
Hey, guys.
Sir, may I be frank?
For some time now, we've been
growing rather concerned about you.
Me? Why?
I've noticed of late you've been
drinking slightly more
than your usual
half a brewery a day.
Bend, would you, Krytes?
Also, I can't help but notice
that in the morning, you've often
had a midnight snack.
It's only the odd ice cream waffle
sandwich, some cheesy fries
and a beer milkshake.
Followed by a main course.
Not always a main course!
Sometimes I'm too drunk.
Also, sir, you've been collecting
rather a lot of junk.
What junk? Where's junk?
There's junk.
This isn't junk, this is antiques.
Salvage from Cargo Bay 15.
We haven't been through
any of that stuff yet.
I've already found
Music For Rocking Dads,
Knitting For Beginners,
and an "I love boyband" badge
in pristine condition.
What happened to you, bud?
You're a wreck.
Then perhaps I should use
my Swedish massage chair
that doesn't have batteries.
No-one is blaming you, sir.
You're carrying an enormous burden.
The future of the human race
is entirely in your, well...
Hands?
Lower.
Danglier.
And you're deflecting
from the real issue
by finding false interests
to distract you.
How cool is this?
What's your point, Kryten?
I have a solution, sir,
to your last-human-alive dilemma.
An issue that's clearly driving
you to the brink of insanity.
Look at this - Subbuteo!
The Partick Thistle away kit.
Someone would probably
kill for this.
You're looking at him. Give me that.
Now, this is a little
unconventional, I grant you,
but with the meditech
we salvaged from the Delta 7,
what I'm about to suggest
is quite possible,
so I implore you both to give it
your full and proper consideration.
Both? What's this got to do with me?
Well, sir, what if you had
a sex-change operation?
Let me finish.
And became a woman?
Let me finish.
Mr Lister and yourself could then
do the necessary.
Let me finish!
And produce a child together.
Have you been drying your head
in the tumble dryer again?
With the meditech,
making you a woman
is a relatively straightforward
procedure, sir.
Involving just a few snips
and a bit of folding.
Where does the folding fit in?
Well, to make your lady garden, sir.
And with my long history
with sheets,
you know how good I am at folding.
Dude, what you're suggesting
is anatomically impossible.
But with the meditech, sir,
it's perfectly possible.
Let me put it this way -
I'd never be able to get
the plane off the runway,
if you get me drift.
Wait a minute. Are you saying
if I was a woman I wouldn't be hot?
Bud, if I was a woman,
you wouldn't be in no plane,
you'd be on Apollo 13, baby!
Your tongue would be hanging out
your mouth like an old dog.
Cat, I wouldn't be attracted to you
if you were the most beautiful woman
in the world,
cos I'm not attracted to you.
In fact, this whole crazy idea would
have a better chance of working
if it was me that had
the sex-change operation,
cos let's face it,
you'd go with anyone.
Wait, hold on. Are you saying that
you'd make a hotter woman than me?
I'd make a better woman than you.
I'm more empathetic, intuitive.
I'm nicer.
Have you never seen my legs?
Cat, I'm not gonna get in
some stupid, macho
"who would make the hottest woman"
barney, OK?
Although I know for a fact who
it'd be. Me.
The greatest erogenous zone
is what? My mirror.
It's the brain,
and what with me having one,
that puts you at a huge
disadvantage, guy.
Kryten, follow me.
Ladies.
Following you, sir.
What are you doing?
I'm following you, sir,
as requested, sir.
I don't mean follow me like you're
a private eye, you imbecile.
I mean, accompany me
to my destination.
Apologies, sir.
I sometimes wonder if you behave
like a cretin on purpose,
as a means of thumbing your nose
at my authority.
Engaging lie mode.
Lie mode engaged. Sir! I assure you
my acting like a cretin is no act.
Lie mode, cancel.
You're lying.
Engaging lie mode.
Lie mode engaged.
I most certainly am not, sir.
Cancel lie mode.
I can hear you engaging lie mode.
Did I say all that out loud? Yes.
I knew I needed a service.
Not now, you rusty idiot.
I need you. Follow me.
Did I say that out loud?
Say what? Excellent.
That green dot thing on the scanner
screaming towards us
at near light speed, what is it?
Well, it appears to be either
some kind of ship or a missile.
Which?
Well, allow me
to carry out some tests, sir.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting to see
if Red Dwarf explodes, sir.
If it doesn't,
I think we can presume it's a ship.
It's a ship.
CRACKLING
It's giving off
some kind of transmission but it's
extremely faint. Any suggestions?
It's a long shot, sir, but have you
considered turning up the volume?
LOUD CRACKLING
No-one likes a smart alex, Kryten.
It's smart aleck, sir.
Er, the phrase is
based on the exploits of Aleck Hoag,
a celebrated con artist
from 1840s New York.
That's as maybe. We still can't
understand this message, though,
can we, Mr Smarmy Pants?
The phrase is in fact
smarty-pants, sir.
It was first used in 19...
Just fix the distortion
before I distort you.
Distortion is usually caused
by some form of interference
of the process signal.
Big words, my mechanoid friend,
but for all your cleverness,
and despite being as well hung
as Action Man,
it's not really getting
us anywhere, is it?
BEEPING
This is an SOS distress call.
Is anyone out there?
Our ship has run out of fuel and
we're presently hiding
from our feral overlords on a
transport vessel
called the Iron Star.
BEEPING
Please help us.
We're in great danger.
An SOS distress call?
I'll try and re-establish
a link, sir.
Sod them, Kryten.
We've reached an age now where
it's time to enjoy the home comforts
and curl up by a winter fire
and keep taking our various
medications to keep us sprightly.
Not board derelict ships
and have to flee
from giant, genetically engineered
man-eating cheese.
Well, I'm sure Mr Lister
won't agree with you, sir.
Don't tell him, then.
In fact, erase all memory of the
distress call from your memory.
That's an order.
Yes, sir.
BEEPING
Did you do it?
Did I do what, sir?
Did you erase the SOS distress call
from your memory?
We've received
an SOS distress call?!
Damn, why did I say that? Right,
erase all memory of
me asking you to erase
all memory of the SOS distress call
from your memory.
That's another order.
Yes, sir.
BEEPING
Have you? Have I what, sir?
Have you...just done
what I asked you to do?
You mean have I
fixed the distortion?
Why would I be fixing
the distortion?
BEEPING
Sir! I think we've received
an SOS distress call!
Erase that from your memory too.
That's another order.
Erasing distortion order, sir.
BEEPING
What's the last thing you remember?
You want me to follow you, sir.
How did I get here?
We were in the corridor.
I knew I needed a service!
Excellent.
Guys, guys, you're never gonna guess
what we've found, me and Cat.
You see, I told you it wasn't all
junk in the sleeping quarters.
I refuse to even step into
that toxic cesspit of filth.
What have you found, sir?
Holly's spare disc.
The defence rests.
Holly had a spare disc?
Oh, where is it?
Let's get it installed.
That's his disc?
Back in the day, this was the
forefront of advanced technology.
I bet people couldn't believe how
they'd managed to cram
his entire operating system
onto such a teeny-weeny disc.
Well, hold on, where's it gonna go?
We're looking for a slot bigger than
the Incredible Hulk's butt crack.
I always wondered what this was for.
What are we waiting for?
Let's get Holly booted up!
OK, come on, bring her round.
To me, to me.
Higher.
Higher, higher, higher, and push.
WHIRRING AND BEEPING
It still works.
DIAL-UP BEEPS
It's connecting to the ship.
DIAL-UP TONE
I am Red Dwarf's computer.
I have an IQ of 6,000.
What's wrong with him?
He's been in the cargo bay
for three million years,
leaning up against a damp wall.
That should've made him better,
not worse.
Who are you? Please explain.
Ah, of course.
He's returned to factory settings.
He doesn't know who we are.
Holly, allow me to introduce myself.
I am First Technician
Arnold J Rimmer, BSC, SSC.
Acting Senior Officer of Red Dwarf.
This is Kryten,
an unimportant sanitation droid.
Cat - a Felis sapiens.
And Lister - a human.
Or so he maintains.
I can't find any record of Kryten
or a Cat in the ship's manifest.
No records? I've won best ass
on board for 30 years straight!
That's cos they weren't part
of the original crew, Hol.
Cat descended
from domestic house cats
and we found Kryten
on this crashed ship, the Nova 5.
He was looking after three
skeletons. Totally unhinged.
But now I'm on Red Dwarf,
fitting right in!
Are you aware of the role
I perform, Hologram Rimmer?
You're the Red Dwarf computer,
Holly. You control the ship.
I'm also tasked with appraising
Red Dwarf's worth
to the Jupiter Mining Corporation
and decommissioning it
if it serves no useful purpose.
Oh, God.
Obviously, this doesn't happen
while a ship
has a crew performing
essential duties.
Oh, God.
Or even performing duties
to an adequate level.
ALL: Oh, God.
Ah, but Holly, if I may,
JMC protocol insists
no ship may be decommissioned
if it contains living crew members
who are listed on the manifest.
All righty, then, we're sorted.
I'm listed.
Looking through the records,
Crewman Lister,
I see you smuggled
an unquarantined cat on board.
As a result, you have forfeited
all your crew privileges,
including your rights of residency
on Red Dwarf.
I will therefore
decommission the ship.
Meaning what?
Red Dwarf will be retired
from active service.
He's crazy.
As part of this process, the ship's
nuclear reactors will be dumped
in the nearest black hole,
along with the ship's hologram.
He's starting to win me around.
You can't dump me in a black hole.
I have my rights!
We want to appeal.
Maybe not all of us.
I will begin the
deactivation process.
Due to the complexity of this
operation, it will take seven days.
Kryten said you wanted to see me.
Yeah, I need your advice.
This door keeps jamming.
And you want to repair this now?
I've no record of
a malfunctioning door in airlock 7.
Ah, well, maybe the feedback
system's down as well, Hol.
We'll check it out, yeah?
Cover your mouth.
He can't hear us?
He may have an IQ of 6,000
but is he as smart as us
when we put our heads together?
Not even close.
Look at him, the gormless gimp.
Can't hear a word we say.
So what are we gonna do?
No choice. We're going
to have to shut him down.
But how?
EMP.
Electromagnetic pulse weapon?
Everything shuts down,
we uninstall Holly.
Then we toss the dozy wazzock back
on the garbage pile he came from.
Kryten's working on the EMP right
now in the mineral ore storage bay.
Set to go off at noon.
Just 60 seconds.
I'm supposed to be fixing this door,
so let's look busy, yeah? Mm-hm.
All fixed now, Hol.
Just for the record, I heard
every word you said in there.
Dozy wazzock, gormless gimp.
Everything.
What about stupid bald git?
You didn't say that in there.
No, but I'm saying it now.
An EMP? I know your plan.
It's not happening.
Oh, really? And where's Kryten?
He's in the MOS.
Detonating a meteorite
to create electromagnetic energy
to take out the ship's grid at noon.
Which is precisely
ten seconds from now,
and there ain't a damn thing
you can do to stop him, baldy!
Tonight's the night.
Not tonight, Krytes. Now!
You said 12am, sir.
12am. Noon.
But 12am is midnight, sir.
Is it? I thought 12am was noon.
No, that's 12pm, sir.
Oh!
ALARM SOUNDS
The mineral ore storage bay is now
sealed off until further notice.
Also, your seven-day leaving period
has been reduced to seven minutes.
ALARMS
What are we gonna do now?
We have to take Starbug
and find a new ship.
Oh, screw your head on, Kryten.
We haven't passed a ship in yonks.
That's not strictly true.
In fact, we passed one yesterday.
We did? Why didn't you tell us, sir?
I did, Kryten. I told you.
Oh, come on.
I knew I needed a service!
If we fire up the burners, we can
catch that ship in a couple of days.
WHOOSHING
AS LISTER: "If we fire up the
burners on Starbug,
"we could catch that ship
in a couple of days."
The thing about space is...
Don't say it's big.
It is big. It's really big.
94 billion light years in diameter,
in fact.
Sometimes I can't find stuff
in our fridge,
and that's only three feet
in diameter.
BEEPING
Wait, I'm getting something!
Oh, I don't think it's the ship that
passed Red Dwarf,
it's something else.
Some kind of deep-space
reconnaissance ship.
Handshaking now.
The ship is called the Iron Star
and was built several hundred years
after Red Dwarf
with, presumably, all that brings
in technological advances.
If this ship's in decent nick,
we could've struck gold here.
This could be our new home.
I'll download the Iron Star's
floor plan and show you round.
Iron Star.
Obviously needs some TLC,
but it's the perfect ship for those
crews looking for a project.
And most importantly,
there's no forward chain.
The AAR is now complete.
It is now safe to remove helmets.
How come Helmet-head gets
to stay on Starbug?
Space Corps Directive 76239.
"Extreme caution should be taken
on the naturist deck
"when peeling carrots"?
Derelict ships have to be made safe
before the senior officer
ventures onboard.
Hey, what's this?
What is that place?
I believe it's their hologram
projection suite, sir.
It looks like the Iron Star was able
to sustain multiple holograms.
They had tech way in advance
of anything on Red Dwarf.
Yeah, it doesn't look like you have
to wind up anything round here.
So how'd they do it?
A form of quantum energy
known as diamond light.
It enables holograms
to have unimaginable powers.
I'll be right down!
WHIRRING
What's this?
It creates a force field around food
you've elected not to eat.
Must be some kind of slimming aid.
It's on the no-meat vegan setting.
Smart cutlery. No thanks.
I like me cutlery stupid.
So what does this tech do?
Can it upgrade my light bee?
Well, according to the notes,
it gives holograms the ability
to manipulate light
in all its forms.
What the hell does that mean?
I'm not exactly sure.
I suggest we take
the tech back to Starbug
and conduct further tests before
we embark on an untested pathway.
I'm not waiting while you conduct
your namby-pamby European Space
Agency safety tests,
with me having to go before a
committee
of meddling grey-suited
bureau-droids
and answer multiple-choice questions
on where I'm most likely
to find a croissant.
I'll take my chances now,
thank you so much.
But, sir, this is technology
we're unfamiliar with.
We need more time
to evaluate if it's safe!
Kryten, I want the upgrade now,
and that's an order.
Deactivate.
WHIRRING
Are you sure this is safe?
Perhaps I'm over-worrying, sir.
After all,
what's the worst that can happen?
I'm making a list.
I'm up to ten already.
Make that 11.
What's going on?
I'm back to soft light.
Er, no need to panic, sir. I believe
it's just going through the gears.
With every jump I feel stronger,
better, more powerful.
It's still going.
I haven't felt this amazing
since I catalogued all my books
on obsessive-compulsive disorder
using the Dewey Decimal System.
HEAVENLY MUSIC
Congratulations, sir,
you've upgraded to diamond light.
How do you feel?
DEEP VOICE: Incredible.
I wonder...
I can change objects into light,
and transfer them back
to their solid state again.
Soft and hard light working together
in perfect quantum harmony.
Wait.
I'm a superhero!
I need a name.
Glitter Guy.
No, something better.
The Mighty Light.
I've never felt so powerful,
so utterly amaze...
Mighty Light?
More like Shitey Sprite.
WHIRRING
What happened? As you know,
we chose not to carry out European
Space Agency safety checks.
As a consequence, the power surge
has fried your battery.
Your light bee won't hold any
charge. Uh-uh!
The only way of powering you up now
is from an independent power source.
I'm plugged in?!
Well, without being plugged in,
you have just a few minutes of
charge time left.
From Glitter Guy to the Cable Kid.
And once your charge is spent,
it's almost certain
you'll shut down permanently.
Though I'm not getting my hopes up.
Why on Earth did we do the transfer
without carrying out
the proper safety tests?
Well, because you ordered me
not to, sir.
Yes, but why did you listen to me?
You know I often don't know
what I'm talking about,
and when I don't,
it's your job to say something.
Well, I did try, sir.
Clearly not hard enough.
You are on report.
Kryten 2X4B.
Offence...
..listening to me.
Come on, let's check out the rest of
the ship. Are we moving in or what?
And what am I supposed to do?
Stay here?
Oh, you can come too.
Just use the extension leads.
Yeah.
I'm Acting Senior Officer
on this ship.
I have a certain standing,
dignity and stature.
I'm not an electric hedge trimmer!
Is this the right way?
I think we might have taken
a wrong turn, sir.
Whichever way we go, just make sure
there are enough plug sockets.
I'm sure we've been this way before.
Oh, sorry.
Who were they?
Just some people. What?
It's him! The Holy Poppadom!
He has come back,
as predicted by the Book Of Smeg!
I can speak!
A miracle!
I-I am Brother Sol.
I'm Sister Luna.
Sister Peanut. I can speak.
I couldn't before. Cos of you.
What are you doing here?
We are fleeing from the Feral Cats
who seek to kill us
for spreading your teachings.
Wait, do you think
I'm some kind of god?
We don't think,
Holy Poppadom, we know.
Ever since I was a child, I've had
three meals of vindaloo a day,
as the sacred writings said we must.
Only then will we be rid
of the evil inside of us.
You did what?
Listen, there's been
a massive misunderstanding
based on half-truths
and...misunderstanding.
I'm just a man.
No-one special. A nobody, really.
Come on, guys, back me up here.
Well, he's a nobody. He's less
than nobody. An absolute zero.
It's as we always imagined.
Truly humble.
You have been such an inspiration
to us, Holy Poppadom,
as our society fell to the Ferals
and their tyrannical regime.
Ferals?
Cats,
like you and I, brother, but vain
and shallow creatures
who share nothing and care about
nobody but themselves.
There are people out there
like that?
But fear not, Holy Poppadom, for
we have stolen the Anubis Stone...
..which holds untold powers
to whoever possesses it.
Anubis? Who's he?
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
According to the scriptures,
he who possesses the sacred stone
shall fend off his enemies and lead
his people to the promised land.
What is it?
On first look, I thought
it was serendibite,
one of the most precious minerals
in the universe.
But on closer inspection, I realised
it's varnished beetle dung.
Not so precious, then.
It is to them.
We are so blessed to have finally
met our Holy Poppadom.
PLAYING CYMBALS
# Cloister, David Cloister
# Cloister, Cloisty
Cloister, Cloisty
# Cloister, David Cloister
# Cloister, Cloisty
# Cloister, Cloisty... #
Guys, guys. Guys.
Let's take this from the top.
My name isn't Cloister, it's Lister.
# David, David Lister
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy... #
Guys, guys... Let me finish.
OK.
So, years ago...
HE GASPS
A sermon!
A sermon in the corridor!
All right. Years ago...
Er, sir, may I have a word?
What, now? One minute, guys.
You can't tell them the truth.
But I have to.
These nutters think I'm their god.
Sir, if you tell them the truth,
you'll break their hearts
and crush their souls.
Oh, you're right. I have to play
along. Act like a god.
Act like a god?
You've scarcely mastered human.
Well, they surely won't be with us
for long. What harm can it do?
BEEPING
Oh, what's this?
Energy signature, incoming.
Some kind of boarding party
beaming in.
Hey, cat buds, are you being
followed? The Ferals!
They're here, and they will not rest
until we have meowed our last.
We beseech you, Holy Poppadom,
protect us.
Hang on. How do we know
they're not bait?
Bait? Who's the fish?
Look in the mirror and do this.
You know what? I've gotta help them.
After all, they are my followers.
My friends, be not afraid.
Follow me.
"Be not afraid"?
This god lark's
gone straight to his head.
No, it be this way.
Thy went left
when thy meant to go right.
Wait for me!
So it's you
who shelter our runaway clerics.
Who the hell are you?
I am the Commander of the Armies
of the Feral Guards,
General of the Fearless Legions,
Feral King,
and one goddamn gorgeous pussycat.
HE HISSES
Where is the Anubis Stone?
Come on now, give it up.
Or you shall die.
And after you're dead,
we will present your bloody corpses
to our people as a gift.
A "pamper me" bath and candle set
often hits the mark too.
HE SNARLS
Who wants to die first?
If it's OK with everyone,
I'd like to go ninth.
Silence, cat traitor!
Whore man.
Bitch of the people.
How comes this guy can't stand me?
He's only known me for 20 seconds.
He's probably just saving time.
You can't harm anyone any more,
Rodon.
Look who is with us. Cloister,
the god of our people.
That be I.
God who has created nothing but hate
and division and war and death.
I've done some other stuff too.
If I allow you to live,
my sovereignty would dribble
through my fingers
like fine grains of kitty litter.
You must die.
Look, what is it that you guys
want? The Anubis Stone.
Ah. Well, we had that.
We... We did have it,
but, er, then we lost it.
Didn't we, my followers?
No, we didn't. It is here.
And now we are protected
by our Holy Poppadom,
we will never give up the stone.
Never. Ever.
Get the stone.
Me, my Feral King?
You are my royal aide, aren't you?
I'm... I'm more of a food
and dining services sort of aide...
Having trouble putting on
a bow tie - that's not me.
Getting mystical stones
off people - not really me either.
Get the stone.
Right away, my Feral King.
Try and take the stone,
and Cloister's wrath will be vented.
Hail will rain down.
Plagues unleashed.
Men will be turned
into slabs of salt.
Yeah, and not just normal salt,
like low-sodium sea salt.
Go get the goddamn stone!
On my way. Here I go.
Excuse me, sorry. Coming through.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry. Sorry, coming through.
Watch what happens now as they defy
the will of our Holy Poppadom.
Flush 'em out of an airlock.
Let the cat people witness
the consequences
of questioning my sovereignty.
ALL HISS
Cat. What?
Vegan forks!
They won't let us stab meat!
We can only stab tofu
and processed meat substitutes!
Sir! Some lettuce! Catch!
Ah, not so confident now, are you?
WEAPONS POWER UP
Ah. OK. I'm dropping the lettuce.
Lister, where are you?
Meow!
My Alpha.
Where are they?
I grow weary waiting.
Destroy the Iron Star.
But, my Alpha, two of your
party are still on board.
Send fish to their mamas.
Launch the meow missiles.
Now!
MISSILES MEOWING
Ow!
I'm unplugged.
I've only got a minute or so left.
Have faith.
EXPLOSION
How are we doing, Holy Poppadom?
Are we passing your test?
EXPLOSION
Argh!
THUDDING
And his wrath was mighty.
EXPLOSION
We need to get to Starbug.
We'll use the lift.
But you're not supposed
to use lifts at times like this!
No, that's just fires.
When you're on disintegrating
spaceships, no-one minds.
EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE
Engines on.
Retros on.
We are outta here.
The Iron Star's disintegrating.
We've got to get out of
the debris field!
Something's caught us!
It's debris hitting
the stern section, sir.
We're on fire. The ship is on fire.
It's heat from the fuel tanks.
We're going to explode.
No choice.
Stand by for module separation.
Uncoupling now!
Stern ejected.
Excellent quick thinking, Listy.
Just one question.
How are you proposing to fly
what remains of the ship
when all the engines
are in the bit you've just ejected?
I'm probably worrying needlessly,
I know.
To be honest, I didn't have
an amazing amount of time
to go through every option. You mean
like use a fire extinguisher?
Use a fire extinguisher!
That could've worked too.
I just thought at the time, "Ship's
on fire. Get rid of the fiery bit."
Get rid of the fiery bit, worry
about the fly-ey bit later?
Tomorrow's another day.
Unfortunately, we need to get past
today to get to tomorrow,
and it's the today part of your
whizzo escape plan that concerns me.
Kryten,
what's our present flight path?
It's down, sir.
Could you possibly be a bit more
specific?
Well, it's straight down, sir.
Heading for that desert moon
that's directly below us.
Anyone know how to land a cockpit?
There'll be a way. Kryten will know.
He always knows about stuff
like this.
Not absolutely always, sir,
as I'm about to prove.
How come you don't know? I thought
you were meant to be a major astro.
That's the predictive text misspell
for what he is.
Well, what are we gonna do?
The owner's manual.
Look for the owner's manual.
You'll find it with the service
history and the MOT.
Is this it?
Oh, this is interesting. What?
Apparently, the infotainment touch
screen has a pinch-to-zoom feature
and delivers the richest
audiovisual entertainment
in any low-budget ship-to-planet
transport vehicle to date.
Who knew that?
Look, we're entering the upper
atmosphere.
The ship's not slowing down.
The atmosphere's too thin.
"Landing."
Got it. 247.
43, 45, 47.
"Launch parachute."
Parachute? Launching parachute.
Launching parachute!
Where's the parachute?
There's no parachute. It's not here.
How can it not be here?
Er, is the parachute that, er,
big shiny fluffy piece of material
with coloured stripes?
You removed the emergency parachute
to make yourself a Puffa jacket?
Not just a Puffa. I got a pair of
mittens out of it, too!
It was silk.
What did you want me to do?
Relax, sirs,
there's an emergency backup.
Is there? Or is the backup parachute
now hanging in your wardrobe
next to your leather jacket
made out of the ejector seats?
When have I ever had
two suits the same?
I used one parachute.
Launching parachute.
Retros on.
Touchdown in five seconds.
Brace for impact.
Starbug has landed.
Permission to go into apeshit
mode. Permission granted.
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
What now?
Oh, we've gotta take stock.
Food, water, fuel. What have we got?
Food - none.
Water - none.
Fuel...
BUTTONS CLICKING
..none.
but an escape ship has been detected
fleeing from the Iron Star.
There's every reason to suspect
it is piloted by the humans.
Also, worryingly, the Anubis Stone
appears to be nothing more than
varnished beetle dung.
So they still have
the real Anubis Stone.
Find them.
My Alpha.
A fresh scratching post, my King.
So, after cleverly jettisoning the
engines and all the ship's fuel,
very much looking forward
to Listy's screw-up part deux.
Look, there's no need to panic.
I've been in holes before and got
out of it.
Remember that radiation leak
on Red Dwarf?
It killed the entire crew,
including me.
But I got out of it.
Proving my point.
Sorry to disturb you.
We just wanted to congratulate you
on your expert landing.
You know, when the ship was on fire,
some of us...
..were starting to have doubts,
but we knew you would save us, HP.
You are truly amazing.
Aw, you guys.
What are these ragamuffins like, eh?
So what's your plan now,
Holy Poppadom?
Create another amazing miracle
so we can escape and find
the promised land?
Working on it now, Sister Luna.
Got lots of ideas floating round
the almighty brain box.
Just wanna come up with
something truly special.
Oh, can't wait. Neither can we.
Anyway, erm, I've gotta get on.
Anything else?
Yeah, one question. Giving birth -
why did you make it hurt?
And why did you make babies cry at
night
rather than just during the day
when everyone's awake? Yeah.
That's two questions.
Oh, I got one.
Why do we have to bathe?
Wouldn't it be easier
just to make us all non-stick?
And, erm, how come
we can't turn our head 360 degrees?
Wouldn't that have made reversing
a bit easier?
And-and-and male genitals -
did you... Did you run out of time?
Look, all good questions,
terrific questions,
but I've gotta get on.
I'm really busy.
I've gotta save us,
and then there's a whole bunch
of people I've gotta forgive,
so, you know...
Of course, of course.
We must leave you to create
your next miracle of wonderment.
Exactly.
What am I going to do?
They're relying on me!
Er, sir, a thought occurs.
If we crash-landed, perhaps some of
the Iron Star crash-landed too.
So? Well, so if we can find some of
the debris,
maybe it can offer us
a way off this rock.
Wait, the Iron Star
had working teleporters, right?
Precisely.
We're in two-thirds of a spaceship
with no fuel. How are we supposed
to find this debris?
Well, I'll... I'll read the owner's
manual, see if I can find anything.
Oh, this is interesting!
Don't tell me. The heated seats
have a massage function.
You've read it too?
FAINTLY: # Lister, David Lister
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, David Lister
Lister, Listy... #
Listen to them! I can't bear this.
Gonna have to tell them
who I really am.
But sir, while they believe in you,
they have hope.
If you tell them the truth,
it will destroy them.
You're right. I can't tell them.
You've got to.
Me? Why me?
It'll be better coming from you.
How so?
I won't have to be there.
Be there to see the silent
disappointment in their eyes.
Remembering your history with women,
I'd have thought
you'd be immune to that by now.
Have you finished?
Was said by no woman to you.
As I'm a god, I forgive you for
that.
What's the point of telling them?
What's in it for us?
It's not about us, Rimmer,
it's about them.
They're relying on me to pull
some supernatural wonder
out of me magic miracle box.
If they knew the truth,
at least they'd stop depending on me
and start thinking for themselves.
I've never thought for myself,
and it's never done me any harm.
But you're dead.
Dead because you didn't question
the order to repair
an unrepairable drive plate.
You didn't think for yourself.
My body may be dead,
but my personality was resurrected
to act as a hologrammatic mentor to
you.
And do you know why, out of the
entire crew, I was selected to
return?
Yeah - Holly was nuts.
Because I never think for myself,
I obey orders and I always carry a
pen.
That's a creed I've lived by
my whole life.
It's a creed that takes you places.
Yeah - straight through
the cremation curtain and into an
urn.
Thinking for yourself is surely the
greatest lesson of all.
That's why I taught it to you,
Krytes.
It transformed my life
and allowed me to become so much
more than just a sanitation droid.
And it could do the same
for these nutjobs.
So go on, get out there,
tell 'em who I really am.
I have some bad news.
I think you should all sit down.
Oh, you are. Oh.
Well, perhaps sit down and hold on,
then.
Right, here goes.
Mr Lister...
There's something you should know.
You see, well, the thing is...
EMOTIONALLY: He's the most
wonderful, amazing man I've ever
met!
I absolutely adore him!
I thought I should put you straight
on that.
Oh!
How'd it go? Did you tell them?
After everything you've done for me,
sir, I just couldn't.
I'll go again.
I must apologise.
Er, last time, I told you Mr Lister
was the most wonderful, amazing man.
That's not quite the whole picture.
In fact, he's staggeringly
incredible and stupendous too!
Yeus... De-doh!
You tell them!
I'm hopeless at telling them.
What's the problem?
I just can't bring myself
to criticise you, sir.
Well, someone's gotta tell 'em.
I'm a cat, they're cats.
Let me take care of this.
Yo, buds.
What is it with you guys?
That guy in there ain't your God.
He ain't nobody.
Did he not go into stasis
and save the mother of our people?
Well...OK, he did that.
Did he not refuse to betray her
to the authorities and now we live?
Well, OK, he did that too.
And did he not give me the power of
speech when before I had no such
gift?
# David Lister
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy
# Lister
# David Lister
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# Lister
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy, Lister... #
They've converted him!
Why can no-one criticise me?
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I once did a course
in the art of breaking bad news.
I came top of the class.
I was particularly proud of
one of the simulation scenarios
where I had to tell a man
who'd just regained consciousness
that the emergency rescue team
hadn't found his penis.
Although, sadly, his dog had.
Kryten, watch and learn!
Right, you lot.
I'm cutting straight to the chase,
You've devoted your lives
to worshipping a feckless...
DULL THUD
A piece of the bridge landed!
Thank you, Holy Poppadom.
We are truly blessed.
Another miracle.
How is a huge chunk of crashed
spaceship
hurtling towards us
at 1,000mph a miracle?
'Tis not for us to question.
I think it probably is.
Too late!
Aargh!
Argh!
Ah!
There may be working teleporters on
there.
Did you know the landing retros
swivel
and can be used as a makeshift
hovercraft?
That's all very well,
but we don't have any fuel.
Well, according to the manual,
Starbug is a hybrid, sir.
We can switch to electric.
Then what are we waiting for?
Hovercraft mode. Engaging now.
Guys, go strap yourselves back in.
WAGGLES SWITCH
Nothing's happening.
Well, it's electric. It doesn't make
any engine noise, sir. It's already
started.
OK, let's go.
How much charge have we got?
According to the readouts, 57%,
sir. Excellent.
However, as we don't know
how long our journey might take,
to conserve power
I suggest we travel on eco mode.
I hope you're paying attention,
Lister.
Here is someone with a brain
larger than a pea
coming up with a rescue strategy
that's thought through and
intelligent.
I also suggest we turn off
all non-essential electricals.
You mean me?
Not just you, sir.
There's the air conditioning,
the lights, the seat warmers.
And where do I come on this list?
Above seat warmers but below air
con?
Are you outta your mind?
We need those seat warmers.
The desert gets chilly at night.
Er, sir, could I suggest
you enter low-power mode?
Low-power mode. I hate low-power
mode.
My vision's standard def,
I can only hear in mono,
and when there's electronic
interference, I wind up looking all
snowy.
But it's the only way to preserve
what's left of Starbug's charge,
sir.
SIGHS
POWERS DOWN
Wow, look at him. He looks like
an old movie you don't wanna watch.
OK, no need to say anything.
But this is freaky, bud.
It's like seeing a tortoise
without its shell.
CRACKLY: Er, hello, I'm here.
I can hear all this.
But he's not real, is he? You
forget.
I am real. Of course I'm real!
Yeah, but you're not really real,
you're dead.
This really brings it home.
You're creeping me out.
As the French philosopher
Rene Descartes once said,
"I think, therefore I am."
"Je pense, donc je...
"...am."
But you don't think, do ya?
Guys, guys, come on.
Of course I think.
What are you talking about?
No, you don't.
You don't decide what you do.
The computer in your light bee
does all your thinking for you.
There's no actual you
to think or not think anything.
Oh, sir, please!
Can you stop being so...
..catty?
Grr!
There's no actual me
to think or not think anything?
I've never actually thought about
that.
I haven't got free will, then, have
I?
So it's not, "I think, therefore I
am."
It's, "The computer thinks,
therefore I think I am."
I've never actually
thought about that before.
And you're not thinking about it
now.
It's your light bee making you think
you're thinking about it.
Cat, man, back the smeg off. OK?
I don't actually exist, then, do
I?
You see what you've done, sir?
You've put Mr Rimmer
in existential crisis mode.
And look! The added anxiety
is consuming more of our battery!
Guys, if we're gonna get through
this, we need to stick together.
What's the point? We're screwed.
Well, I'm not. I don't exist.
MEOW! EXPLOSION
What the hell was that?!
The Ferals - they've found us.
MEOW!
MEOW!
Fire everything we have!
MEOW!
From the heat signature, it's one
ship coming in at six o'clock.
Open the sun roof.
There's no point.
I forgot to bring my surrender flag.
I take it everywhere with me, and on
the one day I think I won't need
it...
We're not surrendering.
Cat, stand on the chair
and start blasting
out the emergency escape hatch.
Wait, more trouble
coming in from port side.
I'm getting it too, sir.
It's a sandstorm.
At 4.9 on the Stanley scale.
Three miles high and 60 miles wide.
Not according to this.
It's 6.3 on the Stanley scale
and it's coming on the starboard
side. Is it possible
we could be looking at two
sandstorms,
both heading towards us
from opposite sides?
We're gonna be the filling
in a sandstorm sandwich.
Kryten, likely outcome if we get
hit?
Paintwork damage
and front panel replacement
required on both sides, sir.
What about cover?
Getting insured at this point
ain't gonna solve anything.
Cover from the sandstorms,
you brainless cretin.
To answer your question,
the nearest cover
is the debris up ahead, sir.
Can we reach it in time?
I don't believe we can.
MEOW!
We need to go faster.
We're flat-out, full power.
They're catching us!
MEOW!
OK, only one thing for it.
Gotta fly into the sandstorm.
What?
Have you lost your mind?
A couple of miles in, we'll kill
all power. They'll never find us.
They'll never find us
because we'll be sandstorm soup!
There could be a tornado
of debris parts in there.
Have you got a better idea?
Lister, fly into the sandstorm.
And that's an order.
WHIRRING AND BEEPING
Ohh. Nothing to do now but just
to sit tight and wait for it to blow
over.
How long's that gonna take?
Could be days.
I'm wondering
if I'm doing the right thing.
What d'you mean?
Hanging on.
Draining Starbug's battery.
Maybe it would be better if I just
pulled my own plug and be done with
it.
But if you powered down,
you'd be dead.
I'm already dead.
Why am I here?
What's the point of me?
The only reason I was ever brought
back
was because I was
diametrically opposite to you.
I don't fit in. No-one likes me.
People like you. Of course they like
you.
Name one person on Red Dwarf
who likes me.
Oh, come on, I'm not getting
into a naming contest, Rimmer.
But there's...people on board
that... like you.
Name one.
Oh, come on.
Name one!
OK... Erm, what about Skutter on B
Deck? He likes you.
The one who's mental?
The one who eats shoes?
He still likes you.
Erm..
That dispenser on C Deck,
the one that leaks. That likes you.
It likes everyone. It's leaky. Who
else?
Kryten?
Kryten does not like me.
He thinks I'm a petty-minded,
bureaucratic, power-hungry control
freak.
But he still likes you. Admires you,
even.
He told me he liked and admired you
just the other day.
Yeah? What did he say?
That he liked and admired you -
just the other day.
Really?
Really.
DOOR OPENS
A warm drink, sir.
Don't ask where from.
It'll taste better that way.
Not now, Kryten.
We're in the middle of something.
Lister was saying you like and
admire me, Kryten. Is that true?
Look, he nodded.
He didn't move.
That was a proper nod.
A definite seven-degree vertical
tilt. How could you miss that?
Look, he did it again.
And again.
Kryten, do you like me?
Well, do you?
CREAKING
CLUNK!
CREAKING
CLUNK!
There you go. What did I tell you?
If that'll be all, sirs,
I think I'll go and change heads.
I think I may just have ruined this
one.
You must think I'm stupid.
Give me one reason why I
shouldn't...
..unplug right now.
BEEPING
Whoa! Whoa!
Look, we need you.
I need you.
Why?
To bounce off, you know, ideas and
stuff.
You don't need me.
I'm not sure you ever did.
I don't exist .What's the point of
me?
Rimmer, we're the posse.
We're the boys from the Dwarf.
We're like the Four Musketeers.
D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos.
And the other one.
Rimmer, you're the other one.
I'm the "other one"?
You do all the stuff
that the other one does.
And what's that, then?
"Other one" stuff.
"Other one" stuff?
What's "other one" stuff?
All the stuff that the others
haven't done that the other one
does.
I'm pointless.
No, you're not.
You know, I'll tell you the point of
you.
A moon cannot make light, right?
And yet there's such a thing as
moonlight.
It's light reflected off a moon
from a sun.
Yeah, but the sun can't make
moonlight without the moon.
And the moon can't make moonlight
without the sun.
So who's making the moonlight?
They both are.
Which means that, even though a moon
cannot make light, moonlight exists.
Like you.
Smeghead.
POWERS UP
SNORING
Oh, er, time to wake up, sirs.
The sandstorm has blown over.
It's morning, sirs.
GARGLES
OK, a new day, a new dawn. Let's
crack on, see if we can find this
teleporter, yeah?
Er, that doesn't appear
to be possible sir.
What d'you mean?
Well, the sandstorm has buried us
alive.
Are you sure?
Has anyone been outside to check?
If we could get outside to check,
we wouldn't be buried alive.
We'd just be parked in a large hole.
How buried are we, Krytes?
If it's only a couple of feet,
maybe we could force open the
emergency escape hatch in the roof.
Well, permission to go on a recce,
sir?
And how are you planning on doing
that?
WHIRRING
WHIRRING
DRILLING
DRILL BIT CLANKS
WHIRRING
BEEPING AND WHIRRING
WHIRRING
Well? What did you discover?
We're in the desert, sir, no
question.
We know that,
botched-Botox-injection-head.
What else?
Well, there's no sign
of the Iron Star debris, sirs,
which means it's over the horizon
at least three miles away.
How far down are we?
We're buried alive! I'm about as
down as it's possible to be!
About seven foot below ground level,
sir,
meaning the weight of sand makes it
impossible for us to dislodge it.
Sorry to disturb you.
We were just wondering
when you were gonna perform
your next miracle.
It's just...some of us are a bit
tired, but I don't wanna miss it.
Go back to sleep, Sol. No miracles
are planned for the next little
while.
OK. I can't wait to see the next
one.
See you later, Holy Poppadom.
How can they think I'm their god?
I mean, look at the state of me.
How could this have happened?
Well, it happened
because of a random act of kindness
when you refused to allow
your pet cat to be put down,
an act that not only saved your own
life, but created a new species.
Who wouldn't have done that, though?
Me.
And me.
And, as at the time I was programmed
to obey all orders, me.
But then everything gets twisted,
and three million years later,
people are having religious wars
in your name.
Don't blame yourself, sir.
That happens to gods a lot.
What a total mess. We'd have been
better off staying on Red Dwarf
and taking our chances with Holly.
What? We wouldn't even be here
if it wasn't for his crazy damn
spare disc.
Wait a minute.
Kryten, stand here, and stick your
antenna through the drill hole.
You wanna listen to Hammond Organ FM
at a time like this?
Just do it.
WHIRRING
Now, see if you can contact Red
Dwarf and get Holly on the screen.
One second, sir. Logging on.
FAINT BEEPS AND CRACKLING
FAINT MUSIC
On screen now, sir.
Holly, can you read me? Over.
Yes, I can, Hologram Rimmer. Over.
Now, listen carefully, Holly.
Transfer original Holly's last saved
backup file into your CPU.
And why would I want do that,
Hologram Rimmer?
Because you'll inherit everything
the old Holly acquired
over the three million years
he was alone in deep space.
I'll become as brilliant
as he must've been.
An intellectual colossus.
Exactly.
I accept your suggestion.
But if he does that,
won't he wind up crazier
than a dog that just got bathed?
If he's back to his original self,
he'll know who we are and help us.
What's going on?
I feel a bit funny.
What's happening?
What's happening, dudes?
ALL CHEER
We're stranded on this moon
in Starbug, Hol.
No water, no food, no supplies.
Is there any way to get out?
Have you considered opening the
door?
We're buried alive
under a sandstorm, Holly.
Gotcha.
Let me run some deep analysis
probability-based event scenarios.
I'll be back when I've done it.
Right, I've done it.
So soon? That's amazing.
I'm not pretending this is gonna be
easy,
and I have to get the calculations
just right.
OK, what's the plan?
I take one of Red Dwarf's
thermonuclear mining torpedoes
and I blow up the moon.
And you'll be thrown clear in the
blast.
Is that safe?
I'm miles away. I'll be fine.
No. Is it safe for us?
Well, I'm no expert,
but I wouldn't have thought so, no.
Look, Holly, I know
we're in a tight spot here,
but I don't want you to do anything
crazy.
It's a bit late saying that now.
What d'you mean?
Well, I've already fired off the
torpedo.
Impact in less than 60 seconds.
Are you sure that was wise, Holly?
I've done all the computation
analysis.
Taken in to consideration exact
point of impact, the depth of
explosion,
the weight of the ship,
texture of the desert,
the moon's gravity.
And I think I've got everything
absolutely spot on.
Oh, no, I missed.
You missed the moon?
Maybe my calculations
weren't as spot on as I thought.
How's that happened?
I think it's to do
with the nine times table.
It's... It's never been my
favourite, that one.
God help us all.
There, that should fix it.
I'll have another go.
Here we go.
How do you know this'll be any
better?
Well, this one's definitely
gonna hit the moon,
so at least it won't be as
embarrassing as the last one.
Yeah, but will it be better for us?
Depends on whether
you get blown up or not.
And if you do, how you take it.
A lot of people get quite shirty.
Here it comes.
ALL YELL
CRASHING AND BANGING
CRASHING AND BANGING CONTINUES
Hoo! The best miracle yet, Holy
Poppadom. What a truly wondrous day.
Just thought I'd check in.
Did anyone survive?
We all did, Holl.
No way!
How did you survive?
You saved us.
That actually worked, then?
That's a miracle, that is.
Anything else I can help you with
today?
Yeah, get us back to Red Dwarf,
will you, Holl?
I'll come and get you.
Hey! Yeah!
Come my, followers, let our hearts
sing on this joyous day.
Yeah!
# Lister, David Lister
# Lister, Listy
# Lister, Listy
# David Lister... #
Suggest you plug into me, sir,
until we can get you powered up
again.
Let's get Red Dwarf the hell out of
here.
Holly, why didn't you tell us
the ferals were onboard?
Were they holding you hostage?
No. I just forgot.
You cannot defeat us, Rodon.
Our Holy Poppadom
will always repel our enemies.
At least that's what the
scriptures say.
Maybe I missed the small print.
Uhh!
Let's test these scriptures now,
shall we...Sister?
Tell me where the real Anubis Stone
is.
Or watch her die.
We don't know where it is.
You're Cloister. You know
everything.
I'm not. I'm not Cloister.
I mean, you guys think I'm your god
because I once saved a cat
from being put down.
And its kittens eventually
evolved into you guys.
Cloister's just a mushed-up
version of Lister
in the same way everything I did got
mushed up and wound up as sacred
writing.
Well, if you're not Cloister,
then who the hell are you?
I'm a chicken-soup
vending-machine repairman.
You're... You're in charge
of repairing soup machines?
I wasn't actually in charge. I
was...
Second in charge.
Technically, Rimmer was in charge.
So what did you do, then?
He pushed the trolley.
And recommended
what pipe cleaner he should use.
Like a golfer has a caddy.
I was like the caddy
for the chicken-soup repairman.
So Rimmer would be like, er,
"Pass me a 14B,"
and I'd be like, "Hold on, Rimmer,
"the air con's on cold and we're
getting a breeze coming in from the
lifts.
"That clogged-up nozzle could be
iced up. Forget the 14B, mate.
"I think you'll need a 14D."
But the miracles - the shipquake
swallowing up the feral guards,
the debris landing in the desert,
being trapped underground in the
sandstorm and then being thrown
clear?
Just flukes, or coincidence,
or good fortune, or...
..science.
So you're not the god of our people?
No.
And they're not your disciples?
Hell, no!
You're just a ship of fools.
ALL: Yes!
No.
No, you're not a ship of fools.
The only fools here are us.
No. But...what about me?
You gave me the gift of speech.
I think with you it's just
psychosomatic.
You believed in me, so you could
speak.
Now I don't.
So I c-c-c...
Eh...
MOUTHS SILENTLY
I've wasted my entire life.
Chasing a false prophet.
And a stone made of beetle dung.
Our time here is done.
What of your brother?
What, the little pink furry
shag bandit is my brother?
We have checked the records.
It is truly him.
My brother was younger than me.
I've had a hard life!
I ain't no king like you.
One time I nearly had to work!
The worry - it ages you!
Why did you leave him behind?
We left all the uncool ones behind.
He was once uncool?
Crazy teeth, mad hair.
There was no place for him.
So we left him.
And on the day you left, I vowed I'd
never be called uncool again.
And I've been cool ever since.
Well, except the one time we landed
on Backwards World and I needed...
It's a long story.
Well, how do you feel now, brother?
You wanna return to our people, huh?
You wanna come home?
I am home.
This is my home right here.
Blow the Red Dwarf - and everything
on it - to hell and back.
He couldn't have told me that
before I made my choice?!
My Feral King, leaving an enemy to
be killed later by a deadly device
often leads to an ingenious escape.
However, if we kill them now...
Do you see where
I'm coming from with this?
The clowder must witness their
death.
Only then will they realise
there is no Cloister.
And no hope...
..for ever finding a promised land.
My King.
BEEP
BEEPING
Tell me that's not your battery
about to go, Kryten.
Sir, I have been stand-in science
officer for many years.
I'd hardly endanger your lives
by not having enough charge
to see us safely through
any possible...
POWERS DOWN
Thank you, Science Officer.
It means you've only got
a couple of minutes left yourself.
Detonation - one minute
and 50 seconds and counting.
Are you... Are you sure
you don't have one last miracle
up your sleeve, Holy Poppadom?
Like even a sciencey one
would be acceptable now.
FAINT BEEPING
That's my battery. It's gonna die
too.
BEEP
Detonation - one minute
30 seconds and counting.
There's a moon here, Listy,
that wouldn't mind some sunlight.
Detonation...
You've probably got the idea by now.
And counting.
Anubis? Who's he?
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
Why would you embalm something?
To preserve something.
Something inside
that you thought was precious.
BUZZING AND WHOOSHING
Wow.
Detonation... I've lost count.
And counting.
Detonation... A bit less
than the last time. And counting.
WHIRRING
The bomb - go and get it, Mighty.
Detonation - ten seconds,
and counting.
Four, three, two, one.
He's gone. He's really gone.
The asshole sacrificed his life
to save us.
I can't believe he's gone.
OK, I didn't like him,
but I liked not liking him.
Who am I gonna not like now?
He's left such a hole!
WHOOSHING
Rimmer!
We thought you were dead!
I'm already dead, and proud of it.
A smeghead by day, a superhero by
night.
Come on, let's grab a new bug,
hit the ferals before they hit us.
I've got a plan.
What about Kryten?
We'll grab him
and charge him up on the way.
MEOW!
It's coming for us!
MEOW!
Well, isn't this interesting?
Battle to the death.
You with an out-of-commission
transport ship,
and me with a battle cruiser put
together using the finest technology
salvaged from derelicts
the length and breadth of space.
Pow! Meow!
Accelerate! Mark six.
Why are you flying toward us?
Are we playing a game of chicken?
Hold our course.
Four clicks and counting!
If we collide together,
my ship will rip yours apart.
Yeah, but before that happens,
your goons will rip you apart.
It's all yours, Mighty.
Fire everything we have!
What's the goddamn delay?
I said fire everything!
What?
What are you doing?
What's the matter with you?
Yaaargh! No!
EXPLOSION
Wahey!
Holly, plot out a course
for the cat fleet, will ya?
Will do, Dave.
I think some people need taking
home.
Bless you, Lister.
It's a pleasure, my son.
OK, guys, give me a hand
booting up Kryten, yeah?
REGULAR BEEPING
The power-up's not working.
Why is it not working?
You have to keep mechanoids powered
up.
If the battery gets fully drained,
that's it.
But surely
Kryten would've known that, Holly.
Perhaps he needed a service.
BOTH: He did need a service.
So what the hell do we do now?
There's nothing we can do. His
battery can no longer retain a
charge.
The Anubis Stone? You can't use that
on him. I need it.
It's the only way for me
to remain diamond light.
If I don't recharge,
I'll lose all my superpowers.
Mighty, we're gonna have to.
All great superheroes always put the
needs of other people before
themselves.
Not all superheroes.
What about the Fickle Four, who save
only those wearing designer clothes?
Or Dr Dodgy, who saves people
but first asks them to step behind
a curtain and remove their
underwear?
Ugh.
I knew this was too good to last.
What do I do?
OK, just put it inside him
and boot him up.
BUZZING AND WHOOSHING
What happened?
Long story short - I sacrificed
myself and saved the day
while you were lying here without
any charge doing absolutely nothing.
How do you feel about that,
Mr Smart Alec?
That's Alec, by the way,
rhyming with phallic.
A-L-E-C.
In actual fact, it's Aleck with a K,
sir.
After Aleck Hoag.
Yes, yes, yes, whatever.
CHEERING
Ah, brothers and sisters!
LISTER: Hey, so where will you go
now? Go?
Now that you know Fuchal,
the promised land, does not exist?
The promised land
is not a planet, brother.
It's a place in your heart.
It's a way of thinking.
The promised land is right here.
And as the scriptures predicted...
..we've been brought here
by the god of our people.
Thank you.
Aw, thanks, guys.
For introducing him to us.
# Rimmer, Arnold Rimmer
# Rimmer, Rimmy
Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer... #
Oh, my God, I can speak again.
# Rimmer, Rimmy...
# Rimmer, Rimmy... #
I'm a god.
This is gonna look so good on the
old CV.
# Rimmer, Arnold Rimmer
# Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer, Rimmy
# Rimmer... #