Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Me² - full transcript

This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions
are a lifeform who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.

We have enough food
to last 30, 000 years,

but we've only got one
After Eight mint left,

and everyone's too polite to take it.



Let me see.

”Astrona Vigation and Invisible Numbers
in Engineering Structure Made Simple.

That's Rimmer's.

Ah-ha! ”The Pop-Up Kama Sutra. ”

Zero Gravity Edition. That's mine.

”Arnold J Rimmer: A Tribute. ”
What's this?

It's a video of my death.

You videoed your death?

Holly did it for me.

You're very strange, Rimmer.

What's so strange?
You have videos of weddings and births.

So what, did you have
a few people around,

give them a sherry
and invite them to watch you snuff it?

Lister, my death is one of
the most important things



that ever happened to me.

Just stick it in the trunk and shut up.

Weird!

What about these posters?

Whoa! They're mine.

I know, but the Btu-Tack is mine.

You want to take the Btu-Tack?

Well, it is mine.
I did pay for it with my money.

There's one of your old toenail
clippings under the bed.

I'll put that in, too, shall I?

Ah, Lister, this is the best
decision I ever made.

No more you
and your stupid annoying face.

No more you
and your stupid annoying habits.

Me? What did I do?

You hummed.

Maliciously and persistently
for two yea rs.

Every time I sat down
to do some revision...

Hang on, hang on! You're trying to say
you never became an officer

because you shared your quarters
with someone who hummed?

Obviously not just that, Lister.
Everything!

Everything you ever did was designed
to hold me back and annoy me.

Like what?

Like using my mother's photograph
as an ashtray.

I didn't know! I thought
it was a souvenir from Titan 200.

Exchanging the symbols
on my revision timetable,

so instead of taking
my Engineering finals, I went swimming.

The symbols fell off.

I thought I'd put them back
in the right place.

Swapping my toothpaste
for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

Come on! That was a joke.

Yes, Lister. The same kind of joke
as putting my name down

on the waiting list
for experimental pile surgery.

It's not all one-way,
you know, Rimmer.

You're hardly Mr Nice Guy,
Mr Easy-To-Live-With.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about playing your
self-hypnosis tapes all night.

Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.

Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep.

We both got the same benefit.

Yeah. Neither of us got any sleep.

What about the time
you tied me hair to the bedpost

and then sounded the fire alarm?

Lister, I did that because
I was sick of you annoying me.

I don't have to explain it!

I nearly needed brain surgery!

What brains? The point is you've always
stopped me being successful.

That's a scientific fact.

Rimmer, you can't blame me
for your lousy life.

Oh, yes, I can.

See, it's always the same.

You never had the right set of pens
for your genie drawing.

Your dividers don't stretch far enough.

- Well, they don't!
- See!

In the end you can't
turn round and say,

"I'm sorry, I buggered up my life."

It's all Lister's fault!

Well, I'm not, am I?
I'm moving out.

Out of Slob City
and into Successville.

What, you mean next door?

It's not the place, Lister,
it's the company.

I'm about to share
my life with someone

who'll give me encouragement
and understanding,

the thrust and parry
of meaningful conversation.

Everything tickety-boo?

Absolument, Mr Rimmer.
I'll be along lickety-split.

Carry on!

What a guy!

I just don't know why
I didn't think of this before.

A duplicate me, Lister.

Yeah, yeah.
Shall I take this through for you?

Be very careful with that.

It's an antique.
It's absolutely priceless.

Absolument, tickety-boo, lickety-split.

God, meaningful conversation!

Ah, Lister, be very careful with that.

It's an antique. Absolutely priceless.

Gosh, I just said that!

Did you really? That's incredible!
What a lovely story!

Why have you got no smoking signs up
when neither of you smoke?

Because they're our no smoking signs

and we happen to think
they look rather striking.

Whoa! What's all this?
"Arnold's tops with us."

"I owe it all to Rimmer."
"Arnie does it best."

This is very funny stuff.

Er, just go.

I mean, because your name's
Arnold Rimmer,

and even though these headlines
are about other people,

you've cut them out
and put them on the wall

so people will think they're about you.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, go on, out.

This joke's going to keep me laughing
all through the winter.

Lister, we don't have to
take this any more.

We don't have to put up
with your snidey remarks,

your total slobbiness,

your socks that set off
the sprinkler system.

Vacate our new quarters.

Bye-bye, Rimmer.

No, sorry. Bye-bye, bye-bye,
Rimmer, Rimmer.

Goit.

Hey, I'm looking so good today.

If I looked any better, I'd be illegal.

Hello, hello, testing, testing,
one, one, one, me, me, me.

Attention, all lady cats.

I am feeling very, very sexy.

Can you hear me, lady cats?

My body is available.

Please form a queue. No squabbling.
This is your lucky day.

Ecstasy!

We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss!

I can hum as loud as I like,
as long as I like.

I'm a free man.

And you see those socks? See 'em?

They're going right where they belong,
all over the floor

where any self-respecting bachelor
would keep 'em.

I'm going to have the bottom bunk,
the big bunk.

I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo.

I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste
right from the middle.

In fact, I'm gonna do all the things
that drove him bonkers!

I'm gonna crack me knuckles.
I'm gonna grind me teeth.

I'm gonna live for a change!

Oh, smegging hell!

What...

What's this?

"Video of Rimmer's death."

Holly, get us some popcorn
and put the video on for us, would you?

Well, I can just about
manage that, I suppose.

356? 556? What's that?

Bronze Swimming Certificate
and Silver Swimming Certificate.

He's a total lunatic.

Hello. This Video pays homage to a man

who fell short of greatness
by a gnat's wing.

Before we see a digitalised recording
of his final moments,

there's going to be a lengthy tribute,

interspersed with poetry readings
read by me.

Whoa! Spin on!

Poetry in motion.

And if it hadn 't been for those people
who kept dragging him down,

pulling him down, pulling him back...

Spin on!

If you put Napoleon
in quarters with Lister,

he 'a' still be in Corsica peeling spuds.

Spin on!

We see the final moments
of Arnold J Rimmer.

Yes!

Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer!

You can't do sloppy work
on the drive plate.

I know, sir, and I accept full
responsibility for any consequences.

Emergency.
There '5 an emergency going on.

It's still going on.

Will Arnold Rimmer
please hurry to White Corridor 759?

Gazpacho soup!

Off.

"Gazpacho soup"?

Why were his last words "gazpacho soup"?

Attention, lady cats! Sensual emergency!

Good loving needed bad!

Ow! Hey, no girls here?

What a waste of a good move! Shame.

I'm looking so dangerous, too!
Wow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Cat, what are you doing?

I'm courting.

Courting who?

Whoever shows up.

I've told you before,
there's no other cats on board.

If I believed
that for one minute, I'd go crazy!

Ow! Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Up, up, up!
Stretch, stretch, stretch!

- Stretch further!
- And rest.

No! Keep jumping!

Absolutely, keep on going.
Through the pain barrier.

Jump, jump, jump!

And rest.

What are you doing, man?

I'm resting. It's going all grey!

That's the pain barrier! Beat it!

You're right!
You're absolutely right! Keep it going!

And rest.

Brilliant! That extra little bit,
that's what it's all about.

What time do we get up?

Early. 8:30.

No, earlier than that, 7:00.

How about 6:00?

No, 4:30.

Four thirty?
That's the middle of the night!

You wanted driving. I'm driving you.

Once again, Arnold,
you're absolutely right.

Holly, alarm call, 4:30 in the morning.

Make it the sonic boom,
extra loud emergency one.

Yes, Arnold. And Arnold.

- What are you doing, Arnold?
- I'm going to bed, Arnold.

But it's 2:00 in the morning.

You could get in
a couple of hours revision easily.

But I'm getting up in a minute.

You take porous circuits and Esperanto.

I'll take thermal energy
and the history of philosophy.

Fantastic! This is what
I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!

Better than sex.

It's 4.30.
Here is your early morning alarm call.

Ofif ofif off! Ofif off!

That's the way.
Smooth and even. Up and down.

Ah, Lister. Bonum matinum.
Didn't wake you, I trust?

No. I haven't been to bed yet.

But it's 5:05 in the morning.
It's practically lunch time.

What are you doing?

It's called work, Lister.
I didn't think you'd recognise it.

W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.

Come on, paint!
Paint! Paint! Paint! Paint!

But why are they painting the corridor
the same colour it was before?

They're changing it from
ocean grey to military grey.

Something that should have been
done a long time ago.

Looks exactly the same to me.

No, no, no, no.

That's the new military grey bit there

and that's the dowdy,
old, nasty ocean grey bit there.

Or is it the other way round?

It doesn't matter, Rimmer,
it's very nice.

So how's Mrs Rimmer?

Tee-hee hoddle ha.

Why don't you just get back
into your cesspit?

Or you won't have the energy
for a full day's slob.

I just wondered what you talked about
and that, you know.

Millions of things, Lister.

Apart from being a complete genius,

that man happens to be a total delight.

Has me in stitches all the time.

But, I mean,
he knows everything you know

and you know everything he knows,
so what do you talk about?

We reminisce, chew over old times,
past glories, old girlfriends.

Oh, you mean Yvonne McGruder?

Don't say Yvonne McGruder
as if she's the only one.

Oh, go on, then.
Name one other girlfriend, then.

Lister, I'm far, far, far
too much of a gentleman

to stoop to that kind
of shower room mentality.

All you need to know
about Yvonne McGruder is I gave her one.

Well, fine. Very nice. Very, very nice.

So, what's gazpacho soup?

What?

It's just that they were your
last words and I wondered why.

You've been watching
my death video, haven't you?

That's private!
It's for my enjoyment only!

It just seems like such a strange thing
to say, "Gazpacho soup."

Well, I'm sorry,
I didn't have time to sit down

and bash out a speech
in iambic pentameter.

I was hit in the face
by an atomic explosion.

But why gazpacho soup?

That, Lister, is something
you will never ever know.

Arnold,
you asked me to remind you

when it was time
for your Esperanto revision.

Thank you, Holly. You two, carry on.

”A to Z of Red Dwarf."

I thought so!

"My Diary, by Arnold J Rimmer.

"January 1st: I have decided to keep

"a journal of my thoughts and deeds

"over the coming year.

"A daily chart of my progress through
the echelons of command,

"so that perhaps one day

"other aspiring officers may seek

"enlightenment through these pages.

"It is my fond hope that one day

"this journal will take its place

"alongside Napoleon's war diaries

"and the memories of Julius Caesar."

Next entry.

"July 17th, Auntie Maggie's birthday."

"November 25th.

"Gazpacho soup day."

That's six weeks
before the crew got wiped out.

He won't find that one.

Not until he changes his boots.

Oh! Did you see him clearly?

Did you get a good look at his face?

Could you spot him in a parade?

I don't think so.
I could've been anybody.

Ten and three-quarter centimetres!

Plus five for not breaking,
and that is a big, big score!

The Browns are going to have to do
something quite sensational

with their last bubble. Quiet, please.

Busy, Dave?

Well, yeah, I am, actually.

Oh, then you won 't want to know about

the two super-light-speed fighters
that are tracking us.

What?

I 'll leave you
to your bubble blowing, mate.

No, Holly, come on!

They're from Earth.

That's three million years away.

They're from the Norweb Federation.

What's that?

The North Western Electricity Board.

They want you, Dave.

Me? Why? What for?

For your crimes against humanity.

You what?

It seems when you left Earth
three million years ago,

you left two half-eaten German sausages
on a plate in your kitchen.

Did I?

Do you know what happens to sausages

left unattended for three million years?

Yeah. They go mouldy.

Your sausages, Dave, now cover
se yen-eighths of the Earth 's surface.

Also, you left £77.50
in your bank account.

Thanks to compound interest, you now

own 9896 of all the world 's wealth.

And because you boarded it
for three million years,

nobody's got any money,
except for you and Norweb.

Why Norweb?

You left a light on in the bathroom.

I've got a final demand here
for £180 billion.

One hundred and eighty billion pounds?
You're kidding!

April fool.

But it's not April.

Yeah, I know.
But I could hardly wait six months

with a red-hot jape like that
under me belt.

So you just made it all up, then?

Yeah. Bit of excitement
for a while, wasn't it?

You can 't beat a good wheeze.

I don't need a good wheeze.
I can do all the excitement for meself.

No, you can 't.
You haven 't got a clue-You 're useless.

Shh! What's that?

I make you vomit?

Keep your voice down!

I'm not gonna stand here
and take this abuse.

Oh, yes! When the going gets tough,

the tough go and have a little cry
in the corner.

You've got a sponge for a backbone!
No wonder Father hated you!

That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!

They why didn't he send you
to the Academy?

He couldn't afford it!

Oh! He sent all our brothers!

You're a filthy, smegging,
lying, smegging liar!

Face facts, man, nobody liked you!
Not even Mummy!

Mummy did like me! Mummy was just busy.

She had a lot of meetings to go to.

Twaddle!

You'd better watch what you say
about my mummy!

I'm a grown man
and I'm not going to accept it.

Oh, grow up, Mr Gazpacho!

Mr what?

I said Mr Gaz-pa-cho, deafie!

That is the most obscenely
hurtfulthing.

Good!

That is the straw
that broke the dromedary, that is.

You're finished, Rimmer.

No, you're finished, Rimmer!

Ah, Lister. How are you?

Tickety-boo. What do you want?

I don't suppose you managed to get

that Btu-Tack together for me, have you?

Rimmer, it's 3:00 a.m.!

It doesn't matter.
It can wait till the morning.

I'm just gonna sleep here,
okay, till you're ready.

Everything all right, is it?

Sure. Absolutely. Yeah, sure.

No problems, then?

No, no, no.

Things couldn't be hunky-dorier.

It's just I thought
I heard, you know, raised voices?

It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it,

having a blazing row with yourself?

Hit the wall!
Go on! Hit the wall! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Can you shut up, Rimmer?
Some of us are trying to sleep!

Obviously, we have
professional disagreements,

but, I mean, nothing
with any side to it. Nothing malicious.

Shut up, you dead git!

Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?

Stop your foul whining,
you filthy piece of distended rectum!

Lister, there's no point
in concealing it any more.

Rimmer and me,
we've had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing major, but it goes
without saying, it was his fault!

Miles from Earth,

deep in the heart of the solar system
and you fancy a curry?

Then why not drop in at
the Titan Taj Mahal Indian restaurant?

Enjoy the finest tandoori cuisine
at one-fifth gravity.

Just a short space-walk
from this cinema.

Shut up!

Will you stop doing that?

I 'm trying to watch the film!

I'm only eating!

No. Eating's when the food
goes in your mouth!

- Afternoon.
- Yeah.

What's on?

Orson Welles, Citizen Kane.

There's no smoking on this side.

You should be sitting over there.

Nobody's complaining.

Yes. They are. I am.

So would you kindly move to
the proper designated smoking area

for the convenience of other patrons?

I thought you hated films.

Me? No. I did a film course
at night school.

Citizen Kane, eh?
That's Orson Welles, isn't it?

That's Citizen Kane, all right.
Unmistakable.

Why are you here? Where's your wife?

Don't ask me.
He's nothing to do with me any more.

Last time I saw him,
he was redoing my paintwork.

Changing it from military grey
back to ocean grey.

He's quite, quite mad!

Lister. Cat.

Excuse me, I can't see.

Shh.

Excuse me, I can't see through the back

of your stupid, curly-haired,
sticky-outy-eared head.

I'm trying to watch the film!

Yeah!

Move!

Look, I just happened
to choose a seat at random.

If you're unhappy with your seat,
I suggest you move.

Right.

Now, where shall I sit?
So many seats to choose from.

How about... No. That's a nice seat!

Look at this. Mr Maturity.

Will you two guys just grow up?

Two? I think there's only
one immature person around here,

and we all know who it is.

Hello.
What do you think of Arnold Rimmer?

This can't go on.
One of yous has gotta go.

Yes, him.

Look, it's crystal smegging clear
which one of us has to go.

Yes, you!

Look, I was here first. I nursed Listy

through those early, delicate days!

Look, we are identical.
We're exactly the same person.

Only you're mentally unstable.

Ippy-dippy. my space-shippy.
On a course SO true,

past Neptune and Pluto's moon,
the one I choose is you.

Excellent, excellent decision,
Listy, turn him off.

And the one you end on
is the one who stays, yeah?

It's you, Rimmer.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Just hold your horses. Hang on.

It's your own fault, Rimmer.

If you'd given me
Kochanski's hologram,

none of this would have happened.

You made the bed. You lie in it.
Drive Room. Ten minutes.

Drive Room. Five minutes.

I don't believe it.
I've been ippy-dippied to death.

I want you out.

What have I said?

Just out!

There's precious
little entertainment on this ship.

If you can't attend the odd execution,
what have you got left?

Out! Go on!

Don't forget to write.

You great nancy.

Lister.

Fancy a drink?

Oh! I didn't know you had any medals!
What are they?

Three Years Long Service,
Six Years Long Service,

Nine Years Long Service,
Twelve Years Long Service.

Come on. Just one drink.

I'll have a whiskey.

Holly, give him a whiskey.

How would you like it?

Straight, with ice and lemonade,
a cherry and a slice of lemon.

Another?

And another.

And another. Make it a double.

So what's all this
gazpacho soup business?

What's it all about?

I suppose now I'm doomed,
I can tell you.

Gazpacho soup.

It was the greatest night of my life.

I'd been invited to the Captain's table.

I'd only been with the company 14 years.

Six officers and me!

They called me Arnold.

We had gazpacho soup for starters.

I didn't know gazpacho soup
was meant to be served cold.

I called over the chef

and I told him to take it away
and bring it back hot.

He did!

The looks on their faces
still haunt me today!

I thought they were laughing
at the chef,

when all the time
they were laughing at me

as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!

I never ate
at the Captain's table again.

That was the end of my career.

Oh, come on.
Anyone could've made that mistake.

If only they'd mentioned it
in basic training!

Instead of climbing up and down ropes

and crawling on your elbows
through tunnels.

If only, just once, they'd said,

"Gazpacho soup is served cold!"

I could've been an admiral by now!

Instead of a nothing,
which is what I am, let's face it.

Oh, come on. You're not a nothing.

He is.

You're right!

I know I'm right.

I never got off the bottom rung.
And do you know why?

Because I didn't have
the right nobby parents.

I bet Todhunter was served gazpacho soup

the moment he was on solids.

No. I bet he was breast-fed with it!

One side gazpacho soup,

the other side freely dispensing
chilled champagne!

Is this gonna go on all day?
I thought he was going to get wiped!

Yes, go on. Turn me off. Go on.
Turn me off. Get rid of me.

I've already done it.
I wiped the other one.

What? You wiped... When?

Just before you came in.

And you let me stand here
and bare my soul?

Yeah!

You see, I wanted to find out
about gazpacho soup

and I knew you wouldn't tell me.

Well, of course I wouldn't tell you.

You'd make my life a hell
with gazpacho soupjokes

for the rest of my life.

Rimmer.

I promise, I swear, I will never,

ever mention this conversation again.

And when I swear, I mean it.

- You promise?
- I promise.

You swear absolutely?

I swear absolutely that I promise

that I will never mention
gazpacho soup again!

All right.

You're a bit of a slob,
Lister, you know,

but when it comes down to it
you keep your word.

This time I'm gonna believe you.
Let's go for another drink.

Souper!

♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

♪ Let me fly far away from here

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice

♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ Fun, fun, fun

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪