Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Confidence & Paranoia - full transcript

This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.

We have been travelling through
the galaxy now for three million years.

And there are many things
we've discovered.

The highest form of life
in the universe is man,



and the lowest is a man
who works for the post office.

Oh, Jim, weren't you the one who said

we have to seize our moments
because they may never come again?

Don't you see, you crazy fool?

This is our moment, right here and now.

Let's seize it together.

But, darling, I 'm dying!

I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.

- Busy, are you, Dave?
- Hol, I'm watching the film!

I just wondered if you were a bit bored.

No, no. I'm watching the film.

- You're not bored then?
- No. Go away!

But, darling, I 'm dying!

I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.



I've just finished reading everything.

I 've now read everything that's ever
been written anywhere by anyone ever.

Will you go away?

You know what the worst book
ever written ever was?

I don't care!

Football: It's A Funny Old Game
by Kevin Keegan.

Holly, will you let me watch the film?

I'm at a loose end now.
I don 't know what to do with meself.

Holly, why don't you just read
everything all over again?

I was thinking it might help
pass the time

if I created a perfectly functioning
replica of a woman,

capable of independent
decision-making and abstract thought,

and absolutely undetectable
from the real thing.

- Why don't you?
- 'Cause I don 't know how.

I wouldn't even know
how to make the nose.

Holly, is there
something that you want?

Well, only if you 're not busy.

Would you mind erasing
some of my memory bank?

What for?

Well, if you erase

all the Agatha Christie novels
from my memory bank,

I can read them again tonight.

How do I do it?

Just type in ”Hol-mem'j
password ”0 verria'e”.

Then, ”Novels, Christie, Agatha. ”
Then press erase.

- I've done it.
- Done what?

- Erased Agatha Christie.
- Who's she, then?

Hol, you just asked me to erase

all Agatha Christie novels
from your memory.

Why should I do that?
I've never heard of her.

You've never heard of her
'cause I've just erased her

from your smegging memory.

- What did you do that for?
- You asked me to!

- When?
- Just now!

I don 't remember this.

Oh! I'm going to bed.
This is going to go on all night.

I 'm dying!

I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.

Off! Had a good day, Lister?

Scrummed enough choccies?
Watched enough drivel, have you?

Look at you. You're turning
into a sad, middle-aged woman.

Next thing you know,
you'll be varnishing your nails

and buying girdles.

Oh, yeah, and what have you done
that's so great?

I've achieved 17 things today
off my daily goal list,

whereas you've never achieved
anything ever in your entire life.

Don't know, you know,
I went up the officers' block.

- When?
- This morning.

But it hasn't been decontaminated!

You said it had last week!

No. I said it was
on last Thursday's daily goal list!

And you haven't done it yet?

Tomorrow. It's on
tomorrow's daily goal list.

Item 34,
right after learn Portuguese.

Thanks a lot. Don't tell me.

Why were you mooching around
up there, anyway?

I was looking through
Kochanski's dream recorder.

She dreamt about me three times,
you know. It was in the log.

50? Clean my teeth, please, Holly.

It must mean something.

You don't dream about someone
that you don't feel something for.

Lister, I once had a dream
about a baboon.

It doesn't mean
I want to go to bed with it.

- Must mean something.
- Shave, please, Holly.

Lister, you ought to take
a good long look at yourself,

then you'd see just how ridiculous you
appear to other people.

If you get me Kochanski's
personality disc for, like, one second,

maybe I could find out.

Lister, if you were
a Love Celibate like me,

you wouldn't have these problems.

Come on, Rimmer, the only reason
you knocked around with those prats

from the Love Celibacy Society
is you could never get a date.

No, it wasn't.
I happen to agree with their philosophy

that love is a sickness
that holds back your career,

and makes you
want to spend all your money.

And you could never get a date

'cause you let your mum buy
all your casual clothes.

There was nothing wrong
with my casual clothes.

Oh, come on, Rimmer,
your trousers were so short,

when you crossed your legs,
you could see your knees.

What about Yvonne McGruder?
That was a date.

She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
She had concussion.

That's got nothing to do with it!
She was crazy about me!

Oh, yeah. She kept calling you Norman.

She still went to bed with me.

Yeah, because she had wonky vision

and she thought
you were somebody else.

Well, it serves her right
for being concussed, doesn't it?

- Rimmer! You don't know what love is.
- Oh, yes, I do, Lister.

Love is a device invented
by bank managers to make us overdrawn.

Lights.

Rimmer, love is...

Love is what
makes us different from animals.

No, Lister. What makes us
different from animals

is we don't use our tongues
to clean our own genitals.

Lights!

Rimmer, are you awake?
Rimmer, are you awake?

What? Yes, Mum.
I'm just packing my satchel.

- Where am I? What time is it?
- I don't feel very well.

- Half past 3:00?
- I feel really ill.

- Well, you are really ill.
- No, I mean really ill.

I'm going down to the medical unit.
I don't feel very well.

Lights.

Ah, Ms McGruder, where were we?

I feel really hot.

And this is mine. That's mine.
All this is mine.

I'm claiming all this as mine.

Except for that bit.
I don't want that bit.

But all the rest of this is mine.

Hey, this has been a good day.

I've eaten five times,
I've slept six times

and I've made a lot of things mine.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna see
if I can have sex with something.

Oh! Yeah!

♪ S-E-X, you know I want it!

♪ S-E-x I'm gonna get it!
Yeah!

♪ S-E-X, I think I found it!
Yeah ♪

Oh, it's you!

Hey, monkey, you're sick.

Sick, helpless and unconscious.

If you weren't my friend,
I'd steal your shoes.

Time for a snack. This way.

Ow!

Emergency.

There '5 an emergency going on.

It's still going on.

And it's still an emergency.

Will Arnold Rimmer please
hurry to White Corridor 759?

This is an emergency announcement.

Food!

Today's speciality is Chicken Marengo-

#I'm gonna eat you, little chick/e

#I'm gonna eat you, little chick/e

♪ I'm gonna eat you, little chick/e ♪

Uh-uh, too slow, Chicken Marengo.
Too slow for this cat.

Hey! This chicken's faster
than I thought!

Quick! Lister's fainted,
he needs help quick!

Didn't you hear me?
Didn't anyone hear me?

Lister's in trouble.

The monkey, ooh-ooh-ooh, has fainted.
I cannot pick him up.

Quick! Come now!

Is there something wrong with you?
Lister's collapsed!

- Yeah?
- What do you mean, yeah? He needs help!

- And?
- If you don't help him, he might die.

Oh, no! That's too bad.
I really liked him, too.

- So come and help him.
- What, and interrupt my lunch?

What's more important,
the man's life or your smegging lunch?

That doesn't even deserve an answer.

Right, okay, fine.
You come with me. You get a stretcher.

Down. Down. Stop.

Let the medi-comp take me temperature.

Lister, they've got to learn.

Down, down, down, slowly.
Ah. Ah.

Now very,
very, very slowly forward.

- Ah! Me eye!
- Lister, they've got to learn.

- I just nearly lost an eye!
- How about an anal reading?

- I'm all right. I feel fine now.
- Well, you're not fine.

And it's your own smegging fault
for going up to the officers' deck

- before it was decontaminated.
- I just wanted to have a look around.

You just wanted to go
into Kochanski's quarters

and wallow in self-pity
and look where it's got you.

I'm all right. I've got
a touch of pneumonia, that's all.

It's not pneumonia.

Three million years ago,
it was pneumonia.

But since then, it's bred and mutated
and now we don't know what it is.

Why didn't I ask her out?
What's the worst she could've said?

She could've said,
"No, you're a filthy, stinking,

"loathsome, disgusting object

"I wouldn't be seen dead
within a plague pit."

She could've said yes.
Stranger things have happened.

Only two spring to mind, Lister.

The spontaneous combustion
of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546

and that incident in 12th-century
Burgundy when it rained herring.

There's this theory
me and Chen used to have.

It's like, everyone's
got two people inside, yeah?

You've got your confidence
and your paranoia.

And your confidence is the guy who says,

"Hey, you're great. You're dead sexy!
Everybody loves you!"

And your paranoia says, "You're stupid,
you're useless, you're ugly

"and everybody hates you."

That's odd, Lister. According to
this reading, you're clinically dead.

What would happen was me confidence
would just about persuade me

to ask Kochanski out,
and as I was walking up to her,

he'd go on a business trip
to Hawaii or something,

and I'd be left with me paranoia saying,

"You must be joking,
she's going to laugh in our face."

You know, sometimes, Lister, you can be
quite perceptive and thought-provoking.

And other times, like this,

you can rant and drivel on
like a complete loony.

Just take me to me bed.

All right, Lister.

Okay, you know how it works.

Now, release the mechanism
very, very, very gently.

Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.

Quick! Get an umbrella!
Get an umbrella! Quick!

Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella!

Get an umbrella!

Get an umbrella!

Necrobics.
Hologramatlc exercises for the dead.

It's raining! It's raining!
Get an umbrella!

It's raining. It's raining...

- Holly, what's going on?
- What?

What's happening?

Um, Hercule Poirot's
just stepped off the steaming train.

And if you want my opinion,
I think they all did it.

Why do we have to have you
as the ship's computer?

We'd have been better off with a bucket
full of sheep slop running things.

If you've got a complaint,
just come straight out with it.

Don 't hide behind
innuendo and hyperbole.

Why is it raining fish
in our sleeping quarters?

I 'a' be lying if I said I knew.

The only comparable incident on record
is in 72th-century Burgundy

when it rained herring.

It really is going to be
one of those days, isn't it?

Hey, you're awake!

- Yeah, I just woke up.
- I brought you some presents!

Thanks, you shouldn't have bothered.

I'm that kind of guy!

Hey, let's see what we've got
in the magic bag here.

I've got you some grapes,

and I got you an orange.

Oh, thanks a lot. I feel better already.

Well, all this enormous generosity
has made me tired.

I'm going to bed.

Ah, yes, indeedy.

- You're awake.
- Yeah, but I'll be asleep In a minute.

How do you feel?

Fine. Just don't ask me
any more questions. I'm trying to sleep!

Shut up, you stupid moggy,
and out of that bed!

Well, if you're going to
speak to me like that,

I'm gonna take my presents back!

- How do you feel?
- Hurt.

- I feel great.
- I.Isl: en, Lister. you had a fever, okay?

Yeah.

And you started
to hallucinate, all right?

Yeah.

Only your hallucinations were solid.

What do you mean, solid?

I mean, they were real, alive, solid.

- Solid?
- Solid.

What do you mean, they were solid?

Okay, I'll put it another way.

- You had hallucinations, all right?
- Yeah.

And they were solid.

I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia.
I told you it was mutated.

I knew something
like this would happen.

Okay. What did I hallucinate?

Well, first of all, it was fish rain.

Fish rain? Yeah. I dreamt that!

- Well, it actually happened.
- Where's all the fish?

Somebody ate them!

Then the Mayor of Warsaw
spontaneously combusted.

And then you hallucinated
two men in the Drive Room.

What two men?

Apparently, one of them
is your confidence

and the other's your paranoia.

You see what I mean, Lister?

Hey! It's the king!

Mr Beautiful!

Hey, you, what's the H
stand for? Horace?

A chair for the king, Horace.

And breakfast.
Mr Wonderful wishes to dine.

Have you lost weight?
You're looking great.

Is he totally perfect or what?

You're my confidence?

I just love that accent.
It just makes me go all wibbly!

I don't understand it. You look like
the manager of the London Jets,

but you sound like Bing Baxter,
the American quiz show host.

I'm all the things you associate
with confidence, King.

And you're my paranoia?

Isn't that a urine stain
on the front of your trousers?

- What? No, it isn't. It's tea.
- So how are you, anyway?

Isn't that a huge spot
appearing on your so-called face?

My God, you've got fat, haven't you?
Must be all that lager.

Bet you've got a terminal disease.

Always happens to people
who least expect it.

Don't you find that?

Say hello, then, won't you?
I'm only trying to be friendly.

Baby, baby, what can I say?

Is he the greatest, most handsome,
fantastic person ever or am I insane?

You're insane.

Lister, what are you
going to do about them?

- Do? What can I do?
- I think we should arrest them.

- What for?
- For being hallucinations.

Oh, come on, smeghead.
It's a bit of company, isn't it?

Lister, you're still sick.
These two are symptoms of your disease.

They're like the spots in measles,
the swellings in mumps,

the funny walk in cystitis.

Until they're gone, you won't be better.

Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for.

Hidiot! Am I right?

You are treading
a very thin line, me laddo.

H stands for hologram,
I happen to be dead.

Couldn't have happened
to a more deserving guy.

Come on, King.
Forget those losers. Let's go party.

- No. I forbid it!
- Why?

Why do you never listen to Mr Rimmer?

He's so much more experienced,
more level-headed,

so much better than you.

Hey, no one is better
than Mr Magnificent.

And no one tells the Prince of Charisma
what to do. Right, Prince?

- Yeah, right!
- That's my Davey-boy!

I don't believe it. He's socialising
with a figment of his imagination.

Yes.

Please note
a dust storm is approaching.

The ship exterior
is now out of bounds.

All airlocks are being
automatically sealed.

Estimated duration, 78 hours.

♪ Our love I tried to kindle

♪ Like firefight, it dwindled

♪ Now! wonder when this

♪ Wind'll ever stop ♪

- You wrote that?
- Yeah, but it was ages ago, you know.

- That Is the greatest love song ever.
- Come on!

Ever! It's so deep. The images!

The dwindling, the kindling,
all the indling! I love all that stuff!

When I think there's fast-buck merchants
like Beethoven and Mozart out there

grabbing all the publicity
and here's you,

writing pieces of that calibre,
it makes me wanna weep.

What are you doing
with the cigarette butt?

Oh, you've embarrassed me now.

It's just, your lips have touched it.

Your lips! The King's kissing lips!

I just wanted some proof I'd actually
met the Duke of Deliciousness!

You're serious, aren't you?

- Serious about what?
- I'm a nobody!

Out of the 169 people on
board this ship, I ranked 169.

Bottom of the pile.

That's because you didn't want
all that career stuff.

You wanted your farm on Fiji
with you-know-who.

- If she'd have come.
- If! If! Ha!

And turn down the opportunity
to become the envy of all womankind?

- Oh, we'll never know now.
- Why not?

- She's dead.
- So? So Is Rimmer. Bring her back.

I can't. Holly can only
sustain one hologram

and Rimmer's hidden
all the other personality disks.

- 50? Find them.
- I can't.

King, you can do anything.

Anything!

Anything. He can't do anything.

Oh, I know, I know. I'll bet five.

Do you know, he used to practise
kissing on his own?

- How?
- He made lips out of one hand

and then waggled his thumb
through the gap like a tongue.

That is priceless, it really is.

Seventeen years old
and he used to snog his own hand.

Once, in front of the whole school,

he called his gym teacher "Daddy".

I could've died with embarrassment.

What a silly thing to call a gym master.

I'm racked with guilt. I hate him.

If you hate him,
why do you talk about him so much?

Because he makes my life one big,
humiliating, cringe-making,

guilt-ridden hell!

Now! Stab him! Stab him!
Stab him! Quick, stab him!

Ah, you haven't met Stabbim.

He's one of our skutters.

Stabbim, meet Lister's paranoia.

Lister's paranoia, this is Stabbim.

Yo, Rimmer, listen, we've been thinking.

We think we can get Kochanski back
without turning you off.

Oh, he's drunk. Yes.
You can smell it from here.

All's we got to do is turn off
all unnecessary power systems

and Holly says it'll work.

Ding-dong. Another great idea

from the people who brought you
beer milkshakes!

How can you be so obsessed
with a girl you hardly know?

Hardly knows her?
You haven't heard the "indling" song!

♪ Our [0 ve I tried to kindle ♪

Not now!

Lister, you're not having her disc.

Why? Because she'll rank above you?

But she's a bright, good-looking,

intelligent, witty,
upwardly mobile officer.

Why should she be interested in you?

Yes, why should she
be interested in you?

Yeah, why should she
be interested in me?

Hmm? Sorry, I was just
thinking about that song.

I can't get it out of my head.
Why? Because you're great!

You're an incredibly seductive,
charming, charismatic young stud!

Yeah, I forgot.
That's why she'd be interested in me.

Lister, you're not having
her disc or any disc.

Come on, King, you know Rimmer.
Where would he hide them?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

- No, he doesn't.
- Come on, think "winner".

Outside. Outside the ship.

- Er, wrong, actually!
- Where outside?

Well, he'd have to send the skutters
and the disc would have to be safe.

Wrong, wrong! Absolutely brimming
over with wrongability.

And they'd have to be right
under my nose so he could laugh at me.

Wrong and getting wronger all the time.

Outside our sleeping quarters.

The solar panel
outside our sleeping quarters!

You followed me, you goit!

Is that where they are?
That's incredible! I did it!

Lister.

- How long now, Hot?
- Can't be long now, Dave-

Hercule has got
all the suspects in one room

and I 'm only two pages away from
”A [so by the same author”.

No, Holly. The dust storm.

Oh, that. Any time now,
it's almost subsided.

Hey, how's my baby boy?

Oh, look. You've got a body
like a coat hanger!

How can you make a spacesuit
look like evening wear?

- Let me ask you one question.
- It's no use arguing, Rimmer. I'm going.

Who smashed up the medi-comp?

He's stalling, King. Let's go.

Holly, give him a punch-up.

What's in it for them
smashing up the medical unit?

Lister, come here. Come here.

- You are still sick.
- I feel great.

You will not... You will not...

You will not be better
until they've gone.

They know that and now they've stopped
you getting any treatment.

Where's Paranoia?

I don't know.
Is it some place near Uruguay?

Who is this joker?

Lister, they're germs
and they're dangerous.

The storm has passed, Dave.
Airlocks are now released.

- What are we waiting for, King?
- Nothing.

- Holly, put a trace on Paranoia.
- What's a trace?

It's space jargon. It means find him.

No, it doesn't.
You just made it up to be cool.

- Where is he?
- Paranoia is no longer aboard this ship.

Hey, look at that View, Kingo!

Me and you on top of the world!
Makes you wanna dance!

♪ C ha, cha -cha

♪ Che-Che, aha-aha aha-aha

♪ C ha, cha -cha

♪ C ha -cha, cha -cha cha -cha ♪

Hey, here it is!

Noz Eamznm km gm$b®
QB $5.3 QB $5.3 QB -QE:. hm

- Didyou hear something?
- Nope.

In space, no one
can hear you cna-cna-cna!

You don 't think that Paranoia could have
got here first, do you?

- Forget him. He '5 no danger.
- He smashed up the medical unit.

- No, he didn't.
- What do you mean?

- I did.
- You did?

50 we can be together, Davey.

You don 't want to get cured.
I did it for you!

- 50 where did he go, then?
- I killed him.

♪ Cha-cha-cha ♪

What do you mean,
you killed him, cha-cha-cha?

Don 't look at me like that.
He didn 't suffer.

I just fed him into the waste grinder
and flushed his bits into space.

Look, I 'm gonna go inside now.

Gets a little bit hot. I get
a bit claustrophobic in these suits.

- Take your helmet off.
- What?

You 're hot! Take your helmet off.

- I'll die.
- W/7 y?

There '5 no oxygen out here!

Hey, oxygen's for losers. Come on!

I need oxygen!

You don 't need anything, King.
You 're the King!

- You're crazy!
- Who told you you needed oxygen?

Some loser who was trying
to make you feel small.

Look, I 'll prove it to you.
I '11 take mine off first.

We '11 soon see who the
crazy one is around here!

No!

- Must you do this now?
- I'm doing my laundry!

- It's totally disgusting.
- What's disgusting?

- Lister.
- Yeah?

I just want to say
I was right all along.

I said they were germs
and they were germs.

Yeah, okay, so what?

And I'm just saying now
that disc will only bring you misery.

I just want you to remember I said that.

If she comes back and she's
not interested, I can handle it.

Whatever, Lister, I want it on record.

That disc is a one-way ticket
to Miseryville.

Yeah, well, I've spent enough time
listening to me paranoia.

Now I'm going to listen
to me confidence.

Hi, Krissie...
That's not gonna work.

Hello, Krissie.
That's not gonna work, either.

Hey! Yo, Krissie!

Hi.

Lister, look, good luck. I mean it.

- Smeg off.
- No, honestly, I mean It. Good luck.

Okay, Hol, switch it on.

- Well, he did warn you.
- I certainly did.

Do you honestly think
I'd put Kochanski's disc

in Kochanski's box
where any munchkin could find it?

You think you had it bad before, Lister?

Now you've got it in stereo, baby.

Welcome aboard, Rimsie.

Nice to be here, Mr Rimmer,
you son of a gun.

♪ It's cold outside
there's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

♪ Let me fly far away from here

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice

♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ Fun, fun, fun

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪