Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Waiting for God - full transcript

This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.

The most interesting event
that happened recently

was that Lister pretended
he 'd passed the chef's exam,

although really he 'a' failed.



That gives you some idea of how truly
exciting some days can be around here.

Holly, give me access
to the crew's confidential reports.

Those are for the
Captain's eyes only, Arnold.

Fine. We'll give him ten seconds
to come back from the dead

and if he hasn't managed it,
we'll presume I'm in charge, yeah?

- No. He hasn't managed it.
- Whose do you want?

Give me... Give me Lister's.
Just the remarks.

David Lister, Technician, third class.

Captain 's remarks. ”Has requested
sick leave due to diarrhoea

”on no less than 500 occasions.

”Left his previous job as a supermarket
trolley attendant after ten years

”because he didn't want
to get tied down to a career.

”Promotion prospects, zero. ”

I always liked Captain Hollister.



Such a great reader of men
was Captain Hollister.

A marvellous, marvellous man
and a tragic loss to us all.

All right, Holly.
Give me... Give me mine.

Arnold Rimmer, Technician, second class.

Captain 's remarks.
”There 's a saying amongst the officers,

”if a job '5 worth doing,
it's worth doing well.

”If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer.

”He aches for responsibility,

”but constantly fails
the engineering exam. ”

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Holly, Holly. I want my report.

Rimmer. Two Ms, E, R.

”Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad.

”Probabl y has more teeth
than brain cells.

”Promotion prospects, comical. ”

No, no, no, Holly. I want Rimmer.

That's two Rs,
one at the front, one at the back.

Arnold, this is your report.

I always hated that pus-head Hollister.

He always resented my popularity.

That's why he never
put forward my proposal

to reduce the minimum haircut length
by an eighth of an inch.

Small-minded, petty-thinking modo.

Arnold, I 'm picking up
an unidentified object.

Constantly fails the exam?
I'd hardly call 11 times constantly.

I mean, if you eat roast beef
11 times in your life,

one would hardly say that person
constantly eats roast beef.

No. It would be a rare,
nay, freak occurrence.

Possibly mad?
What is he drivelling about?

- It's on the screen, Arnold.
- What is?

- The U0.
- What is it?

I don 't know.

You'd better find out, hadn't you?
It's obviously beyond me.

I've got more teeth
than brain cells, remember?

Yes, you have.

- Would you like some toast?
- Uh-uh.

Some nice, hot,
crisp, brown, buttered toast?

Uh-uh!

- You don"t want any toast, than?
- No.

- What about a muffin?
- Nothing.

You know the last time you had toast?

Eighteen days ago.
77:36, Tuesday the 3rd.

- Two rounds.
- Sh h!

I mean, what's the point of buying
a toaster with artificial intelligence

if you don 't like toast?

- I do like toast.
- I mean, this is m y job.

- This is cruel. This is just cruel.
- Look, I'm busy.

Oh, you 're not busy
eating toast, are you?

I don't want any!

I mean, the whole purpose
of my existence

is to serve you with hot, buttered
scrummy toast.

If you don 't want any,
then my existence is meaningless.

- Good.
- I toast, therefore I am.

Will you shut up?

What are you doing?

- I'm reading.
- What, with your nose?

Yeah. It's a cat book.
They don't use marks, they use smells.

You run your nose along the line

and all the different smells
are released.

- It's really good.
- What a pathetic idea.

Well, unlike you, Rimmer,
my mind is open to new cultures,

new ways of looking at and doing things.

- And what does It saw
- It says,

"See Dick run.

"Run, Dick, run.

"Run home, Dick."

That's the cat equivalent
of Shakespeare, is it?

Shakespeare? Who's Shakespeare?

You moron. A playwright
in the olden days. Wilfred Shakespeare.

I'm only just starting out. This is for
three-year-olds, so you should try it.

I'm not the slightest bit interested

in smelling anything cats have to say,
thank you, Lister.

You don't know what you're missing.

Rimmer, there's this brilliant one
where Dick buys this ball,

this big ball, this big red ball.
It's amazing stuff.

You ought to try reading
your shirt sometime, Lister.

It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.

Anyway, if you're interested,
Holly's spotted... Is that my shirt?

- Yeah. I borrowed it.
- What's that down the front?

That's definitely biscuit.
Erm, that's custard.

That's definitely ink,
and just general sort of dirty marks.

You can't just go through
my possessions!

- Come on, you don't need them any more.
- Because I'm dead?

Yeah. You're a hologram
and holograms don't need clothes.

They're my things, Lister!

Would you steal verruca cream
from a man with no feet?

I mean, how would you like it
if I stole your T-shirt,

your favourite one
with the custard stains down the front?

I wouldn't care.

You've got no right
to go through my wardrobe.

Okay, okay.

You keep your underpants
on coat hangers, don't you?

That's private!

Okay, Rimmer, okay. Take the shirt back.

I don't want it. It's ruined.
You've sweated in it.

Well, if you don't want the shirt,
what do you want, Rimmer?

Just keep out of my things, all right?

- Okay, okay. What's Holly spotted?
- An unidentified object.

- You mean a rock.
- It might not be.

They're always rocks.

Mostly they're rocks, I agree,
but maybe this one's different.

Rimmer, there's nothing
out there, you know.

There's nobody out there.

No alien monsters, no Zargon warships,

no beautiful blondes
with beehive hairdos,

who say, "Show me some more of this
Earth thing called kissing."

There's just you, me, the Cat

and a lot of floating,
smegging rocks. That's it. Fin/to.

Lister, if there's no one out there,
what's the point in existence?

- Why are we here?
- Beats me. You want some toast?

Arnold, the unidentified object
is now in Visual range.

All right, Holly. I'm on my way.

Ow! Nice jump. Hey!

Smooth with a capital smoo.

Okay, time to get out the food detector.

Food! This way.

Ow! Ooh!

Yeah, yeah! This way.

This way! Yeah!

Ah, you. Where have you been?

Investigating.
Investigating this, investigating that.

General investigation.

- General investigation, eh?
- Yeah.

- Ah, splendid!
- Thank you.

- Keep it up.
- Okay.

Fine. Well, uh,
if you'll just excuse me...

Hey! You can't have my shiny thing!

I found it. It's my shiny thing.

What are you drivelling about?

This is my shiny thing.

And if you try and take it off me,
I may have to eat you.

It's a yo-yo, you modo.

It does two amazing things.

One, you have the shiny thing at the top
and the string down below,

or, and this is the clever part,
you have the string at the top

and shiny thing down here
where the string used to be.

Hey, hey! Ow!

You haven't the slightest clue
what it's for, do you?

Why, sure I do, grease stain.

You hold the shiny thing in one hand

and you go... Ow!

The string's moving!

Hey! Stop that string!
Catch that string!

Ow!

- Where is it?
- It's in scoop range, Arnold.

It's a pod! Holly, bring it in!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back!
Feeling good! Feed me.

Cat, hi. I haven't seen you for ages.
Where have you been?

- Investigating.
- Got you some crispies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I read that book you gave me, you know.

It's got a brilliant ending, I could...

I could hardly believe me nose.

Forget that. Got you this.
The one you asked about.

- The Holy Book.
- Oh, great!

- Hey, pictures!
- Yeah. That's a cat thing.

You see, sometimes in a book,
we have a drawing of something

that is happening in the story
and we call them pictures.

Yeah, yeah. We have pictures, too.

Then you monkeys are
smarter than I thought.

- This is me!
- No. That's not you. That's Cloister.

He was the father of the cat people.

He lived years ago, at the beginning.

- Who's that?
- That's him frozen in time.

No. That's me. I was sent to stasis.
That's what frozen in time is.

He did that to save Frankenstein.

Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat!

Look, Lister, Cloister.
Cloister, Lister! See?

Listen, you stupid monkey,
Cloister's another name for... For God!

That's what I'm saying. I am your God.

Okay. Turn this into a woman.

- I'm serious.
- So am I!

Look, Frankenstein was
my pet cat, right?

And she was pregnant.

Now I got put into suspended animation.

I was supposed to be there for 18 months

but I didn't get out
for three million years.

- You oversleep? So do I.
- No!

What I'm saying is that
over those three million years,

your entire race of people
evolved from my pet cat.

Ah, I gotta go now, man,
but let's do lunch some time.

I'll put it in my diary,
"12:30, lunch with God."

And, formal dress,
you know what I'm saying?

- It Is true, you know.
- Yeah?

Then I've got to ask you
the ultimate question,

if you're God, why that face?

- What's wrong with me face?
- What's wrong with your face?

It's upside down and inside out,
that's what's wrong with it.

Ow!

- Holly?
- Yes, Dave?

If I give you my cat dictionary,
can you translate this for me?

I '11 give it a go, Dave.

Why are you always asking him?
I '11 do it.

- You're a toaster.
- Yeah, I was thinking of packing it in.

It's turning me into
something I don 't like.

I 'm not a moaner by nature, you know.

No. By nature, you're a toaster.

Yeah, it just strikes me
there might be something more,

something greater,
something unimaginably more splendid

than flea ting bread.

Lister, it's arrived!

- What has?
- The U0! It's a pod!

- Where?
- The observation room.

- Yes!
- No point In running, Lister.

It's mine. I found it. I've got bagsies.

He's such a child, that boy.

- Is it safe, Holly?
- Yes, Dave.

Lister, no point in running.
I found it and it's mine.

Calm down. Dead people can have
heart attacks, too, you know.

What is it?

I don't know, it's obviously
some sort of alien capsule.

And clearly they're intelligent, Lister.

The chance to meet an intelligent life
form after 18 weeks alone with you...

Okay, Mr Intelligence,
what are those markings?

I don't know.
I don't speak alien, you gimboid.

Ah...

What are you doing, Lister?

We don't know if it's safe.
It's quarantined!

You might get some
squiggly slimy thing stuck to your face!

Of course it's safe.
Come in. Come on, come in...

Ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. All right, Lister.
We'll play it your way.

But don't think
you're coming out of there.

You're in there for a month.
You're in quarantine.

What did you say, Rimmer?

Why do you never do what I tell you, eh?

Don't you think there's a shining
good reason why I'm your superior?

Yeah. You've been with the company

- for 15 years.
- No, it's not.

And I've been with them
for eight months.

No, it's not. It's because
I'm better than you.

Better trained,
better equipped, better...

Better. Just, just better.

That must mean the rest
of the crew are better than you, then.

No, it doesn't. It means...

I'm not going to let you
bait me, Lister.

This is far too important.

Just you wait here,
keep that door closed

till I get back with the skutters. Tyke.

Oh, Rimmer's such a smeghead, man.

Hang on a minute.

Give me an R.

Give me an E.

Give me a D.

Give me a Red Dwarfgarbage pod!

Holly! Did Rimmer never work
in waste disposal?

No, Dave.

It's one of our Red Dwarfgarbage pods

with, like, the writing
burnt off in places.

- Why didn't you tell him?
- Well, it's a laugh, innit?

After
intensive investigation, comma,

of the markings on the alien pod comma,

it has become clear, comma,

to me, comma,
that we are dealing, comma,

with a species of
awesome intellect, colon.

Good. Perhaps they might be able

to give you a hand
with your punctuation.

Shut up.

Lights.

Lister, are you awake? Lister?

Lister?

Lister!

- Are you awake?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep, either.

- It's the excitement.
- What excitement?

- The alien excitement!
- Rimmer, it's garbage.

You can scoff, Lister.
That's nothing new.

They laughed at Galileo.
They laughed at Edison.

- They laughed at Colombo.
- Who's Colombo?

The man with the dirty mac
who discovered America.

What makes you think these aliens exist?

They must do, Lister.

There's so many things
that are strange and odd.

So many things we don't have
any explanation for.

Like, why do intelligent people
buy cinema hot dogs?

Do you mean that sort of
weird and mysterious thing?

No, Lister. I mean like the pyramids.

How did they move
such massive pieces of stone

without the aid of modern technology?

They had massive whips, Rimmer.
Massive, massive whips.

All right, then.
The Bermuda Triangle.

Go on, explain that one.
You know all the answers.

No, I agree there.
That is a genuine mystery.

How did a song like that
ever become a hit? It defies all reason.

I just don't know why I bother.

I'd get more sense
out of a squashed hedgehog.

Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder?

Why are we here?
What's the grand purpose?

Why does it have to be such a big deal?

Why can't it be, like,
humans beings are a planetary disease?

Like the Earth's got German measles
or facial herpes, right?

And that's why all the other planets
give us such a wide berth.

It's like, "Oh, don't go near Earth.
It's got human beings!

"They're contagious."

So you're saying, Lister,

you're an intergalactic,
pus-filled cold sore?

At last, Lister, we agree on something.

What do you believe in, then?
Do you believe in God?

God? Certainly not!
What a preposterous thought!

I believe in aliens, Lister.

Oh, right, fine.
Something sensible at last.

Aliens, Lister, with technology so far
in advance of our own

we can't even begin to imagine.

Well, that's not difficult.

Mankind hasn't even got the technology
to create a toupee

that doesn't get big laughs.

Aliens, Lister,
who can give me a real body.

Oh, I can't wait to see your face
in the morning, I really can't.

And nor I yours, Lister.

When that pod opens and from it emerges
a beautiful alien woman

with long green hair and six breasts.

Six breasts?

Imagine making love to a woman
with six breasts!

Imagine making love to a woman.

Good morning. How can I help you?

Buongiomo. Erm, give me breakfast.

- What would you like?
- Er, chicken vindaloo and a milkshake.

- What flavour milkshake?
- Erm, beer.

Morning, Dave.
I 'Ve finished your translation.

Who's Cloister? Is it me?

Yes, Dave. The cats
have made you their God.

Hey! Working-class kid makes good!

Your plan to buy a farm on Fiji
and open up a hot dog and doughnut diner

- has became their image of heaven-
- What?

”And Cloister spake,

“Lo, I shall lead you to Fuchal

”and there we shall
open a temple of food

“Wherein shall be sausages
and savoury doughnuts

and all manner of bountiful things.

”'Yea, even individual
sachets of mustard.

“And those who serve shall
wear hats of great majesty.

“Yea, though they be made
of coloured cardboard

“and have humorous arrows
through the top.

Does it say what happened
to the rest of the cats?

Holy wars. There were thousands of years

of fighting, Dave,
between the two factions.

What two factions?

The ones who believed
the hats should be red

and the ones who believed
the hats should be blue.

Do you mean they had a war over

whether the doughnut
diner hats were red or blue?

Yeah. Most of them were killed
fighting about that.

It's daft really, innit?

You're not kidding.
They were supposed to be green.

Go on, Hot.

Well, finally, they called a truce

and built two arks and left Red Dwa rf
in search of Fuchal.

But there's no such place
as Fuchal, it's Fiji.

I mean, how are they
supposed to find it?

”And Cloister gave to Frankenstein
the sacred writing saying,

“Those who have wisdom
will know its meaning. '

”And it was written thus,
seven socks, one shirt...

That's my laundry list! I lined
the cat's basket with me laundry list.

The blue hats thought

it was a star chart
leading to the promised land.

Well, it wasn't.
It was my dirty washing.

What happened next, Hol?

”And the ark that left first
followed the sacred signs,

”and 10, they flew straight
into an asteroid.

”And the righteous
in the second ark flew ever onward,

”knowing they were
indeed righteous. ”

This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing.

They're just using religion as an excuse
to be extremely crappy to each other.

50 what else is new?

I'm not interested.

And they killed each other over which
coloured card board hats to wear.

I'm not interested.

- Don't you think It's amazing?
- No.

You know what happened to people
who didn't eat hotdogs on Fuchal Day?

They were stoned to death
by stale doughnuts.

Lister, what do you want me to say?
"Congratulations, you're God"?

I'm talking about the suffering.

People died. I mean, cats...
Cat people died.

You'vejust come here
to rub my nose in it.

I could've been God, you know,

given a different start in life,

given the lucky
showbiz break you had.

I don't want to be a god,
that's the point.

Oh, vomitisation!
I don't believe it!

"I'm God, but it's bit
of a drag, actually." Come on!

I'm not a god!
I've just been misquoted.

Lister, for my money,
anyone who goes around reading meaning

into any old gobbledygook
deserves everything they get.

I mean, if I had eight socks
on my laundry list instead of seven.

What if I owned more than
one pair of underpants?

They might've been safe.

I just wish I could meet them
and explain and apologise.

Well, that would look spectacular,
wouldn't it, Lister?

God returns in all his splendour

and says, "Sorry, it's all
been a total cock-up!"

I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask to become their god!

Well, I didn't ask to be killed, Lister.

Life's a bitch.
Now smeg off, I'm busy.

They just made
stuff up, you know.

I'm supposed to have given them
five sacred laws. Five sacred laws!

I've broken four of them meself.

I'd have broken the fifth,
but there's no sheep on board.

Bye-bye.

I mean, Rimmer,
what sort of holy writ is this, Rimmer?

"It is a sin to be cool."

Look, I'm sick of hearing
about these stupid cats!

My concerns are slightly
more meaningful than what coloured

stupid, smegging cardboard hat
I'm wearing!

I'm trying to decipher this!

This is science, laddy. You can smirk,
Lister, but I believe the Quagaars...

Quagars?
Quagaarsl It's a name I made up.

Double A, actually.

I believe the Quagaars have
the technology to give me a new body!

Never mind this tot. Where's the Cat?

- Tot?
- Tot.

- Tot?
- Tot!

- Tot?
- Tot!

- Tot?
- Tot!

We'll soon see how totty it is, laddy.

The quarantine period's nearly up!

Bastard!

Cat? Cat?

Holly, where's the Cat?

He '5 no longer in my
supervision field, Dave.

He's gone down to the cargo decks?

I lost him as he
entered Supply Pipe 28.

Cat? Cat?

Cat! Come on, Cat.

Meow! Meow! Come on, kitty, kitty!

Cat, come on.

The crispies have gone warm.

Come on. Cat, come on.

Ow, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hey, fellas. Yes, sir, I'm back.

Feeling good! Feeling...

You're always leaving me
where you go.

Investigating.

- See, I have these feet...
- I'm dying.

I'm telling you about my feet.
My investigating feet.

Didn't you hear me?

I'm dying.

Yeah. But I'm telling you
about my feet.

Why should you listen to me?

A blind old priest
that's lost his faith.

I'm not listening to you.

I'm trying to tell you
about my feet.

What do you care.

I don't care.

You're the one who's doing the dying.
Not me.

Why should I let it spoil my evening?

Cat?

Cat?

Cat, when I get you
I'm going to turn you into a kebab.

Holly, can you still hear me?

Cat?

Here.

Burn the sacred hat.

That's a fearsome hat.

Burn it! Burn it.
It's a symbol of the lies.

- It's burnt.
- All my life I've served a lie.

Because you're not there,
Cloister, are you?

You've never been there!

You don't exist!

- Who's that?
- It is I, Cloister!

Who is it, boy?

I've told you, it's me, Cloister.
I've returnethed.

Is it him? Is it truly him?
Does he look like a king?

A king? Yeah, yeah!

Is he wearing the doughnut
and the golden sausage?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Then it truly is him!

I failed you, Cloister.

All these years I kept my faith.

I wore the holy custard stain

and the sacred gravy marks.

I renounced coolness

and chose the righteous path
of slobbiness.

But in the end, I failed you.

Why didn't you go on the arks
with the rest of the cats?

They left us behind.
The sick and the lame.

Left us to die.

But then the boy was born
to the cripple and the idiot.

- What idiot?
- Your father, boy.

My father was a jelly brain?

Yes. That's why he ate his own feet.

I did wonder.

But as one by one we died,
my faith died also.

You tested me, Cloister,
and I failed you.

Oh, no. You didn't fall, old man.
You passed.

I'm giving you...
I'm giving you an A plus distinction.

You mean there's a place
for me on Fuchal?

A place? Got your own bathroom,
en-suite, cork floors,

your own barbecue on the patio,

double glazing,
a phone and everything.

Oh, my hat!

I've burnt my sacred hat!

No, you haven't!

A miracle!

This is the happiest day of my...

Did I ever tell you about my feet?

My investigating feet.

Once upon a time,
there was an old man...

- Well, are you ready for this, Rimmer?
- Open it! Open it!

Well? What's there?

Are you sure
you're ready for this, Rimmer?

Yes! Come on, you gimboid!

Incredible! A stupendous moment
in my own personal history!

The perfectly preserved remains
of a Quagaar warrior!

Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.

They must have looked
something like a roast chicken.

♪ It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

It's a garbage pod!

#I'm all alone, more or less

It's a smegging garbage pod!

♪ Let me fly far away from here

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice

♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#In the sun, sun, sun

♪ Fun, fun, fun

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪