Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The End - full transcript

Lister, have you ever been hit
over the head with a welding mallet?

No?
Shut up and push the trolley.

Yes, sir, Rimmer!

Right.
Corridor 159.

Lister, shut up!

- I'm only hummin'!
- Well, don't.

Lister, don't hum and don't make

any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

Lister,
one more sound, anything,

and you're on report, my laddo.

What job number's this?



Right. That's it!
Lister, D, Third Technician.

Offence, obstructing
a superior technician

by humming,
clicking and being quiet.

When the Captain sees this,
you're dead.

Rimmer, I'm bored!

Bored?
This is essential routine maintenance.

It's absolutely vital
for the well-being of this crew,

this mission and this ship.

Dispenser 172,
chicken soup nozzle clogged.

Pass me a 14-B, Lister.

Lister, is this a 14-B?

Does it look even
remotely like a 14-B?

This is a 14-B, Lister.

This is a 14-F.
Are you blind?



- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!

It's my career, Lister.
I'm the one who gets it in the neck

if an officer comes along,
orders chicken soup,

and gets blackcurrant cordial
with blancmange,

and two creams and a sugar.

Chicken soup.

Yup.
That's working.

It's stupid anyway,
all this maintenance business.

The only reason they don't give
this job to the service robots

is they've got
a better union than us.

Lister,
that is absolute nonsense.

Right.
What's next?

Botanical gardens,
faulty porous circuit.

And corridor 147, sticking door.

It's true, you know,
though, Rimmer.

You rank below all four
of those service robots,

even the one that's
gone absolutely mad.

Well, Lister, not for long, matey.
Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!

Not until you pass
your engineer's exam.

You won't do that because
you'lljust go in there and flunk again.

Lister, last time I only failed

by the narrowest
of narrow margins.

You what? You walked in there,
wrote, "I am a fish" 400 times,

did a funny little dance and fainted.

That's a total lie!

No, it's not.
Petersen told me.

No, it's not!
Petersen told me.

Lister, if you must know,
what I did was,

I wrote a discourse on porous circuits,
which was simply too radical,

too unconventional, too mould-breaking
for the examiners to accept.

Yeah.
You said you were a fish.

Is that a cigarette
you're smoking, Lister?

- No. It's a chicken.
- Right! You're on report.

Two times in as many minutes, Lister.
I don't know.

- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.

Yo, Todhunter, get down!

Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just
going through McIntyre's artefacts

and I see that you've filed
247 complaints

against Lister.

Yes, sir!

That's 123 counts
of insulting a superior technician,

thirty-nine counts
of dereliction of duty,

eighty-four counts of
general insubordination

and one count of mutiny.

Yes, sir!

- Mutiny, Lister?
- I stood on his toe.

Maliciously and
with intent to wound.

- It was an accident!
- Lister, I put it to you,

how is it possible to stand
on one small toe by accident?

You didn't stand on my toe at all,
you stood on my entire foot,

thereby obstructing a superior
technician in pursuit of vital duty.

But the vital duty was that
he was going to snap my guitar in half!

Whereupon you
leapt from the top bunk

- onto the whole of my right foot.
- All right, that's enough.

Had there been
a crisis situation,

I would have had to
perform my duties hopping.

Clearly putting the ship at risk,
clearly therefore mutiny.

- Finished?
- However, I'm not a vindictive man,

so I don't intend to apply
for the death penalty.

There are 169 people
on board this ship.

You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?

You see, I try, sir.
I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.

I try and respect Rimmer and everything,
but it's not easy

'cause he's such a smeghead.

Did you hear that, sir?

Lister, do you have any conception
of the penalty for describing

a superior
technician as a smeghead?

Oh, Rimmer.

You are a smeghead.

You heard that!
With respect, sir, your career's over.

Todhunter,
you're finished, you big lig!

We are all gathered here today

to pay our last respects
to George McIntyre.

George was an excellent officer

and as good a friend
as anyone could ever hope to have.

And he'll be missed more deeply

and more completely than
he could ever know.

I now commend his ashes
to the stars he loved so much.

Goodbye, George.
We'll miss you.

This is a piece of music
he specially requested.

Start the tape, please, Holly.

There goes McIntyre.

- Goodbye, George.
- That was George?

Really? I thought it was Mary,
Queen of Scots!

- Off!
- Hey, I was watching that!

Well, tough!

You touch that guitar, Lister,

I'll remove the E string
and garrotte you with it.

Can I do anything?
Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe?

Lister, I have an exam tomorrow,
which I intend to pass.

I know, yeah. By cheatin'.

This is not cheating!
It is merely an aid to memory.

It helps me marshal the facts
already in my command.

What? Copying the entire
textbooks onto your body?

Why don't you hand your body in
and let them mark that?

Lister, do you think It Is easy

for someone like me to
become an officer?

Someone who wasn't
Academy educated?

Someone who didn't have
the right nobby background?

Someone who didn't have
the right parents?

You didn't have the right parents?
Whose parents did you have?

My parents.
The wrong parents.

I'm just saying, you know,

if you can't pass fair and square,
why bother?

Well, you would, Lister,
because you've no ambition, no drive.

You're perfectly content
to be the lowest rank on the ship.

I'm not the lowest rank
on this ship.

What about the laboratory mice?

Tell those mice to do something
and they've got to jump to it.

Yes, Mr Lister, sir!

Lister, you are a nothing.

I'm not a nothing.
I've got me plan.

What's that? The plan to be
the slobbiest entity

in the entire universe?

No.
Me five year plan.

You see, I'm going to do two more trips
and I've been saving up all me pay.

- Since when?
- Since always.

That's why I never buy
any soap or deodorants

or socks or anything like that,
you know.

Anyway, I'm going to buy myself
a little farm on Fiji.

I'm going to get a sheep
and a cow and breed horses.

With a sheep and a cow?

No.
With horses and horses.

- On Fiji?
- Yeah!

The prices
there are unbelievable.

Yes.
Because they had a volcanic eruption

and now most of Fiji
is three feet below sea level!

It's only three feet.
They can wade.

That's why the animals
are gonna have to be quite tall.

Nice plan, Lister.
Excellent plan. Brilliant plan, Lister.

What about the sheep?

What are you gonna do?
Buy them water wings?

Fit them with stilts?

Better still,
you could cross-breed them

with dolphins and
have leaping mutton!

You can get
a drainage grant these days.

Why bother, Lister?

You could be the first man
to produce wet-look knitwear.

Look, this is why
I never ever said anything to you

'cause I knew
you'd say something like this.

Lister, you have got
the brain of a cheese sandwich.

Morning, Farmer Lister!

I'm just popping down to the shops
in my submarine.

Can I buy you anything?

The Welcome Back
George McIntyre reception

is about to begin
in the refectory.

George says he'd like to
invite everybody,

especially those who weren't
able to attend his funeral.

Hey, have you seen Rimmer's arm?

No. I'm waiting for it
to come out in paperback.

Waiting for it to come out...

Petersen, have you got a coin?

I've just been shown this
great new intelligence test.

What you gotta do is force
the coin onto your forehead,

and then the more times
you can bang yourself on the head

without it falling off,
the more intelligent you are.

You gonna go for it?

He's going for it!

- Are you ready? Can you feel It?
- Yeah!

- Can you feel It?
- Yep.

- Can you feel It?
- Yep.

Go!

Go on!
Go for it!

Shh!

Folks, today is a day
for both sadness and joy.

Sadness for
the passing away of George

and joy because George is back with us,
albeit as a hologram.

Now, some of you may not
have travelled with a hologram before,

so I ask you
to treat him as a normal man,

because he is, in every respect,
like George.

He has George's personality
and George's knowledge and experience.

Of course, he can't lift anything
or touch anything,

so I ask you
to cooperate with his requests.

And please, take every care not
to walk through him,

not even when you're In a hurry.
Thank you.

Speech! Speech!

I want to thank everybody

for giving me
such a marvellous funeral.

I've just seen of it.

And I wanna thank the Captain
for his beautiful eulogy.

Beautiful.

But I still don't understand
why he didn't use the one I wrote.

This must seem
pretty spooky for everyone,

but I don't want you
to think of me as someone who's dead,

more as someone who's
no longer a threat to your marriages.

I... I think Joe knows
what I'm talking about.

As you know, Holly's only capable
of sustaining one hologram,

so my advice to anyone more vital
to the mission than me is,

if you die, I'll kill you.

Please be upstanding
for the cutting of the cake.

Flight coordinator George McIntyre.

George!

Just one thing before the disco,

Holly tells me that he's sensed
a non-human life form aboard.

Sir, it's Rimmer!

We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, okay?

I'm turning you in, Rimmer.

Ooh...

Right, they're bound to ask
the right thigh, which is 10%.

They must ask the left thigh,
which is 20%.

They've got to ask
one of the forearms,

which means I've passed already.

Anything on
the left shin's a bonus!

Right, CUTIE,
current under tension is...

What's this?
Current under tension is equal?

Current under
tension is expandable?

Current under
tension is expensive?

What does this mean?
What does any of this mean?

I've covered my body in complete

and utter and total
absolute nonsense gibberish!

Just relax, relax, relax, relax.

Uh, plus 20% of
the ship's course minus

the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the x-axis

minus one equals
the total velocity of Red Dwarf,

which means I know everything
about astro-engineering.

Good morning, Lister,
for probably the last time.

You got it all down,
have you, Rimmer?

Couple of blanks,
but I think we're there.

So you can't remember anything?

Think what you will, Lister.

Remember F-I-S-H,
that's how you spell fish.

Then you just keel over.

I'm sure it'll all come
flooding back to you.

Dry up, Lister.

Will entrants
for the engineer's examination

now make their way to
the teaching room.

Well, Rimmer,
honestly, good luck.

It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.

Lock! Lock!

Frankenstein.

Oh, come on, Frankenstein!

Oh, you're getting
really big now, you know?

I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.

Never mind,
when the baby cat comes,

maybe we can give him water
and pretend it's milk.

It's only a baby cat,
it won't know, eh? Eh?

Do you want to see me picture
of Fiji again, Frankie?

You're gonna love It there.
Look.

Okay, everybody,
you've got three hours.

No modems,
no speaking slide rules.

Turn over and start.
Good luck.

HI,
where's the Captain's office?

It's over there, where it says
"Captain's office",

where it's always
said Captain's office.

So that's the Captain's office!

- So how are you then?
- Fine.

Do you know what he
wants to see me for?

Yes. I think you've been
promoted to Admiral!

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

For your diligence
and general devotion to duty.

- Oh, yeah?
- Lister!

Bye.

You asked to see me, Captain?

Where's the cat?

What?
What cat?

Lister,
not only are you so stupid

you bring
an unquarantined animal

and jeopardise every
man and woman on this ship,

not only that, but you take a photograph
of yourself with the cat

and send it to be processed
in the ship's lab.

Now I'm gonna ask you again.
Do you have a cat?

- No.
- Have you got a cat?

Er, yes, that one.

- Where did you get It? Titan?
- Yes.

Don't you realise that that thing
could be carrying anything?

Don't you remember what happened

on the Oregon with the rabbits?

Lister, a loose animal aboard
this ship could get anywhere.

It could get into the air ducts,
it could get into Holly.

You know, a little nibble here
and a little nibble there, Lister,

and before we know it,
we're flying backwards.

Now, I want that
cat and I want it now.

Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.
Just suppose.

What would you do
with Frankenstein?

I'd send it down to the medical centre
and I'd have it cut up

and tests run on it.

Would you put it back together
when you'd finished?

Lister, the cat would be dead.

So with respect, sir,
what's in it for the cat?

- Lister, give me that cat.
- It's not as easy as that.

Me and the cat,
we're going to have a baby cat

and we're going to
buy a farm on Fiji.

We're gonna have a sheep
and a cow and three horses.

It's me plan and no one can get
in the way of it,

not even you,
and I do respect you...

Sir.

Oh, Lister, do you want to go
into stasis for the rest of the trip

and forfeit 18 months' wages?

No.

- You wanna hand over that cat?
- No.

Choose.

Look, Dave, no one wants to go
through with this.

It's okay.
I can handle it.

Rimmer, are you all right?

I can't really remember.

I think I did quite well.

Is this going to hurt?

Haven't you ever
travelled interstellar?

- No.
- Oh, you don't feel a thing.

The stasis room creates
a static field of time.

See, just as X-rays
can't pass through lead,

time cannot
penetrate a stasis field.

So, although you exist,
you no longer exist in time,

and for you,
time itself does not exist.

You see,
although you're still a mass,

you're no longer
an event in space-time,

you're a non-event mass
with a quantum probability of zero.

How simple is that, eh?

- Okay, I'm ready.
- See you in 18 months.

Holly,
activate the stasis field.

Okay, Frank.

Good morning, Dave.

It is now safe for you to
emerge from stasis.

I've only just gone in.

Please proceed to
the Drive Room for debriefing.

Where is everybody, Hol?

They're dead Dave.

Who is?

Everybody, Dave.

What, Captain Hollister?

Everybody's dead Dave.

What, Todhunter?

Everybody's dead Dave.

What, Selby?

They're all dead.
Everybody's dead, Dave.

Petersen isn't, is he?

Everybody is dead, Dave.

Not Chen?

Gordon Bennett.
Yes, Chen. Everybody.

Everybody's dead, Dave.

Rimmer?

He '5 dead Dave.
Everybody is dead.

Everybody is dead Dave.

Wait. Are you trying
to tell me everybody's dead?

I wish I 'a' never let him out in
the first place.

How?

The drive plate was
inefficiently repaired.

It blew and the entire crew

was subjected to
a lethal dose of cadmium-2

before I could seal the area.

Oh, this is terrible.

And why's it so dirty around here, Hot?
What is this stuff?

That is Catering
Officer Olaf Petersen.

I've been eating half the crew!

And who's that?

That's Captain Hollister.

And that's Todhunter.

No.
That's Second Technician, Rimmer.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't recognise him
without his report book.

What was Rimmer
doing in the Drive Room?

He was explaining to the Captain

why he hadn't sealed the drive
plate properly.

So wait, Hol.
How long was I in stasis?

Well, I couldn't release you
until the radiation

reached a safe background level.

How long?

Three million years.

Three million years!

I've still got that library book.

What about Krissie?
What about Krissie Kochanski?

She '5 dead Dave-

Oh, hey!

I don't suppose
it's any consolation,

but if she were still alive,

the age difference would
be insurmountable.

She was part of me plan.

I never got round
to telling her,

but she was going to
come with me to Fiji.

She was going to wear a white dress
and ride the horses

and I was going to take care
of everything else.

It was me plan.
I planned it.

Well, she won't be
much use to you on Fiji now,

not unless it snows and you need

something to grit the path with.

Holly!

Sorry.
I 'm sorry about that.

I've been on me own
for three million years

and I 'm just used to
saying what I think.

I think I've gone a bit peculiar,
to tell you the truth.

So everyone's dead?
I'm on me own? It's just me?

Welt technically speaking yeah.

What do you mean,
technically speaking?

Hello, Lister.
Long time no see.

Rimmer, you're a hologram!

Yes. That's because I'm dead.

Dead as a can of Spam.
And it's all thanks to you.

Me? What did I do?

If you hadn't kept
that stupid cat, Lister,

and hadn't been sent to stasis,

I'd have had some help
when I was mending the drive plate

and I wouldn't be dead.

- What does it feel like?
- Death?

It's like being on holiday
with a group of Germans.

No.
I mean being a hologram.

Do you mind?
Being a hologram is fine, Lister.

I still have the same drives,
the same feelings, the same emotions,

but I can't touch anything.

Never again will I be able
to brush a rose against my cheek,

cradle a laughing child
or interfere with a woman sexually.

Rimmer, you never used to do
any of those things anyway.

But I would have
one day, murderer.

Hey, hey, I didn't do anything!

It was you who didn't fix
the drive plate properly.

- Is this me here?
- Yeah.

Me?

Come on, Rimmer,
look on the bright side.

The bright side?
What bright side?

I'm dead.
I'm composed entirely of light

and I'm alone in
space with a man

who'd lose a battle of wits
with a stuffed iguana!

Where's the bright side?

What's an iguana?

Look, look,
you're not dead, are you?

I mean, you're dead,
but not dead-dead

because you're
still here, aren't you?

Lister, I'm not really here!
I'm not really me! Don't you see?

I'm a computer simulation of me.

That's me, there,
that pile of albino mouse droppings.

Come on.
Lots of people have died.

Lots of people have died and gone on
and done really, really well.

You're a hologram.
So what?

I suppose you're right, Lister.

I've got to pull myself together.

But you've got to help me.
You've got to be my hands and my touch.

I know the sort
of things you like to touch.

No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

Are you smoking, Lister?
In the Drive Room?

Yeah. I stopped for quite a while,
but I'm back on them now.

You're on report, squire.

I can't write it down.
I'll remember it.

Oh... Rimmer, look,
I know it's wrong of me

to speak ill of
the dead and all that,

- but you're still a smeghead.
- I beg your pardon?

I said, you're still a smeghead.

Lister,
do you have any conception

of the penalty for
describing a deceased

superior technician
as a smeghead?

Will you listen to me?

Just listen to me.
Just... Just shut up. Shut up.

Ooh.
How am I looking?

Looking nice.
No, wait a minute.

I'm looking better than nice.
I'm looking dangerous.

Ow!
♪ Dangerous ♪

Hey, what's that?

Oh, it's my shadow.
Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.

I'm looking nice.
My shadow's looking nice.

What a team!

We are unbelievable!
Okay, team, this way.

No.
This way.

This way.

Lister, just hold your horses,
listen to me...

Uh-oh.

Better make myself look big.

Fearsome.
I was fearsome.

♪ Me and my shadow... ♪

Ooh! Come on, boy!

♪ Walking down the... ♪

Holly, what was that?

During the radioactive crisis, Dave,
your cat and her kittens

were safely sealed in the hold.

And the y've been breeding there
for three million years

and have evolved into the life form
you just saw in the corridor.

I don't get it.

You know how
mankind evolved from apes?

- Yeah, I know that.
- He evolved from cats.

His ancestors were cats.
He's descended from cats.

He is a cat.

Yeah...

Hello.
Cat?

Whoa!
Crease!

Stand back, Lister.

Here you go, Cat.

Ah, crispies!

Holly says you like these.

Mmm!

Hey!
You monkeys eat off the floor?

Ain't you got no style,
no sophistication?

Oh, I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.

You people are unbelievable.

Where are all your catty friends,
Cat?

Good crispies, man!

But where are all the kitties?

Are they gone? Are they dead?
Have they left you?

Who cares?
I want it off the ship!

No! He's coming home with us,
aren't you, Cat?

Home? And where exactly
is home supposed to be?

- Earth.
- Earth?

What makes you think
there'll be any Earth, Lister?

Even if there is,
look what it's done

to a household pet in
three million years.

Can you imagine
what humankind has evolved into?

To them,
you'll be the equivalent of a slime

that first crawled out the oceans.

- I could smarten meself up a bit.
- Nah. You're a dinosaur.

You're extinct.
You've got nothing.

Hey, hey!
I've still got me plan.

And I've still got a cat.

Okay, it's not Frankenstein,
but it's still a cat.

- Did you say Frankenstein?
- Yeah,

she was your great, great, great, great,
great, great grandmother or something.

The Holy Mother?
The virgin birth?

No one believes that stuff.

The virgin birth?

No, it was a big, black
tom on Titan.

Frankenstein? Yeah.
I remember that stuff from kitty school.

The Holy Mother,
saved by Cloister the Stupid,

who was frozen in time,

and who gaveth of his life
that we might live.

No! No, it's not Cloister,
it's me, it's Lister!

It's Lister the Stupid!

Who shall returneth to lead us
to Fuchal, the Promised Land.

No. It's not Fuchal,
it's Fiji!

And I will!
I'll lead you there.

That's where we're going.
Holly!

Plot a course for Fiji.

Look out, Earth.
The slime's coming home!