Reboot (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Growing Pains - full transcript

Oh, shit.

Clay! Dougie Lewis.

We used to have the same agent
back in the day.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Dougie, how you doin'?

Well, not great, you know?

Things have been a little...
rough, to be honest.

You know, I haven't booked a job
since I posted that manifesto,

and a Ford Fusion is no place to live, so.

- Yeah.
- I can't believe they let you back

on the lot after all that
trouble you used to cause.

Ah, yeah, I had to sign
a crazy strict morals clause.



- Speaking of which...
- Hey, you know what?

I'm actually here auditioning
for a couple lines

on Chicago Hope: Miami.

I don't know if you know
anybody over there...

- Oh, I really don't. I'm, uh...
- That's why I got this suit, you know?

The guy at the garage sale
wanted 40 bucks.

- I said, "I can't afford that."
- Hey, Dougie, look.

I'm sorry your life sucks,

but I fucked someone
I wasn't supposed to,

so I have to get to wardrobe right now.

Okay. Roger that.

- Yeah.
- Break a leg.

- So.
- Oh!

You and my mom, doin' the deed.



Okay, if you need to hit me, go ahead.

Just don't break my nose,
my septum's hanging on by a thread.

I'm not gonna hit you.

I just wanna know, man to man,
do you like my mom?

Or do you like-like my mom?

I like-like what we did,

but I don't feel comfortable
talking to you about any of this.

Cool... Cool.

I was just worried

'cause if it was one of those
"wham bam thank you, Mom" situations,

she does not handle that well.

What do you mean?

She was dating this guy
and he was using her,

and she kinda smashed his windshield,
and the neighbors had to call the police.

- Whoa! No, no, no.
- None of that here. No, no.

Awesome!

My real mom and my TV dad dating.
Uh, dreams come true much?

- Good morning.
- Morning, morning, morning.

All right, let's get...
Oh, hello, people I don't know.

- Hi, Gordon. Gordon, uh...
- Everyone, this is Gordon.

He is the creator of the original show.

Also, technically, my father.
Uh, Gordon, new writers.

Oh! Okay. Ah, good for us.

This one of those...
diversity intern training things?

- Uh...
- You know what?

Personally, I think it's a shame
you're not getting paid

'cause that's not right at all,
but I will say this,

the lessons you're
gonna learn, invaluable.

Case in point:

Misunderstandings, always funny.

Example, guy's in a store
and he's talking to a busty salesgirl...

Okay, stop!

No, Gordon, these are the writers

that I hired for the show
before you decided to

- join us. Yeah.
- Oh.

Janae comes from the Harvard Lampoon,

Benny is an amazing queer playwright,

and Azmina wrote an amazing spec script,

and fine, is also
from the Disney diversity program.

What, no Eskimos?

Oh my god.

Wow.

Literal gasp.

Uh-oh. What? Did I just step in it?

Is... Is one of you part Eskimo?

- No, that's not the problem.
- All right, good, good.

Hey, little fun fact.

I happen to be Eskimo brothers
with Don Johnson.

Hey.

- Uh, did you read the rewrite?
- No, not yet.

Yeah, they added a scene.

- Uh, we're in bed.
- Oh.

- Foolin' around.
- Ooh.

That's actually kind of racy compared to
how tame we had to keep it on network.

I just, just wanted to
make sure you're okay with it?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Oh, uh, well, you know,
just, um... given our history.

Mmm.

You think that your mouth is a wormhole

and I'm gonna fall right back into 2005?

- No, no! What?
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah, you do. I think you do.
- Oh, I don't, I don't. I'm tellin'...

No, this is fine, this is great.

- Okay.
- This is great, Bree.

You're fine, I'm fine, uh.

Just worried about... oh, you know.

What?

You're going through
a divorce right now.

Oh.

You might be feeling
a little bit lonely and vulnerable,

which could, you know,
lead to stirrings of old feelings.

You are being
so condescending right now...

- No, no, honey, I'm not being condescending.
- Yeah, you're doing it right now.

- Bree, I am not being...
- Still doing it.

Still doing it.

Lana!

I just walked into my trailer to find
a full assortment of Spanx waiting for me.

Are you trying to tell me something?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Oh, well, I guess I just got visited
by the Spanx fairy then.

Sweetie, it's Hollywood.

There's not an actress over 40
raw doggin' it these days.

- Charming.
- Just be careful wearing them on a date.

When a man undresses you,

you expand like one
of those mattresses in a box.

Well, I haven't had to worry
about that in a while.

- Why? Oh, sorry.
- Couldn't help but overhear.

Because I haven't been
on a first date in 15 years.

That's since I was six years old.

Why is everyone trying to hurt me today?

Okay, look, we gotta fix this,

take you out,
help you meet some hot zaddies.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

I can't, I am so behind on Cupcake Wars.

I just heard myself.
Where do you wanna go?

Let's get some dinner
and then go someplace fun.

What do you wanna eat: Sushi or Mexican?

- Mexican.
- I'd go for sushi.

- Fuck off, Lana!
- Ooh, somebody's hangry.

- Shorter?
- Yeah.

- There's my guy.
- Oh god.

Got a hot little tip for ya.

You know that special lady
you've been crushin' on?

- You mean, your mom?
- It's her birthday Saturday.

I scored us a res at the O-G,
Olive Garden.

Let's just say if you were
to show up at the table

with the never-ending bread sticks,
she would not be mad.

- Oh, hell yes.
- As long as it's not Saturday, I'm in.

Oh, I just said it was Saturday.

Oh, what about brunch on Sunday?

We need to find a way
to bring Whitney and Josie closer.

- Okay. What if...
- there's a, a hot delivery guy

and both girls are ordering
all this stuff they don't even want

just so they can see the guy.

And then on the way out,
there's, like, a big box,

he trips over the box

'cause hot plus clumsy, always funny.

- Right?
- Yeah, so, in real life,

people don't just
magically trip over things

the exact moment you need them to.

They can if you write that.

I wanna do something less sitcom-y,

or, you know, at least something
that passes the Bechdel test.

What?

Something that passes the Bechdel test.

- No, I heard her...
- I just don't know what the fuck that is.

- Guys, let's go easy on him.
- He's old.

I heard that, too, Carrot Top.

Or Carrot Bottom,
I don't wanna make assumptions.

To pass the Bechdel test,

the script must have at least
one exchange between two women

where they're not talking about a man.

- Is she still talkin'?
- 'Cause I dozed off.

This is probably too meta,
but...

Oh my god.

This is exciting,
she's got somethin' here.

What if they bond by talking
about Alison Bechdel?

That's hilarious.

- Oh, I like that.
- All right, I, I also get why it's funny.

Um, can I speak to you
for a second outside?

Yeah.

What's the problem?

I was under the impression
we're still makin' a comedy.

Oh my god, just because they're
not pitching, like, old-timey jokes

- doesn't m...
- No, no, no. They're not pitching jokes period.

So, comedy's evolved since
you last wrote for television.

I mean, honestly,
whole species have evolved.

Listen, we don't schlep in
a live audience every week

so they can sit there and nod
in thoughtful amusement.

We need them to actually laugh.

Yeah, I get it, and trust me,
these writers are very funny.

I...

The bathroom is that way?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, A-Azmina.

Funniest food?

Uh, I don't know. Uh, oatmeal.

Oatmeal... Aren't you embarrassed?

It's pickles.

Pickles?

Okay. Let's get this on its feet.

Or maybe I should say on its back.

Jake, you're in the hall.

Lawrence is on top of Josie.

- I'm on top of her, huh?
- Uh-huh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Umm.

All right, so... so we'll
mock the kissing.

Oh my god,
I'm gonna punch you in the face.

And action!

All right, wow.

Looks like we have
the house all to ourselves.

- Mm.
- And you're kissing.

- Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
- Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.

Now the canoodling's
getting hot and heavy.

All right.

Very nice. Humpy, humpy... Very nice.

- Um.
- Okay, what is that?

- Nothing, it's nothing.
- Doesn't feel like nothing.

Don't mind me, just lookin' for my keys.

Jake!

Ah, ah, ah, I think it's funnier
if you stay on top of her.

- You want me to stay on top of her?
- Yeah.

Oh.

- Oh boy.
- But... there's, you know,

in terms of the momentum of the scene...

- Jer, I think Reed wants to get off now.
- Not, Not what I said.

Okay, fine, Lawrence
gets out of the bed.

- Uh, uh, or, or, uh, here's a thought.
- Lawrence stays in bed.

You don't wanna get outta bed?

I really don't.

Jerry, is it funny if
I pull off the covers...

No, no, no, nope. Nope, not funny.

Oh, I get it.

It's no big deal, everyone,

- Reed just has an erection.
- Yep!

Let's take five

on account of Reed's erection.

Hey, uh, Jerry, is this
a hard five or a soft five?

Unbelievable.

That's... Really, Really, Jerry?
You don't laugh in 56 years. That got you?

Right, so, uh, where did
we leave off yesterday?

Gordon pitched that Caitlyn Jenner joke
and then you threw an orange at him.

- It was a tangelo.
- Yeah, that's the important part.

Okay, right. I mean, uh, before that.

Uh, we talked about the fight
you and your dad had in the kitchen.

And a lot of other fights
you two have had.

And then we watched
an episode of Yellow jackets.

I will admit I was
a bit... thrown yesterday,

but, today, we are...

Good news, everyone.

The comedy cavalry has arrived.

Good morning! Delivery from Jews 'R' Us.

Sorry we're late, we've been wandering
in Palm Desert for 40 years.

Ignore these old fucks.

They saw some actress out there

and they got their first
hard-ons in 20 years.

Let me introduce everybody.

This is Alan, Bob, Selma.

Say hello to Benny, Janae, and Azmina.

- Azmina...
- I think I take that for my gout.

Azmina, that's a Spanish name,
if I'm not mistaken.

- Sorta.
- My first wife was Latin.

Case you ever wonder
why I'm scared of you.

Uh, kitchen?

All righty.

They're exactly what we need.

Oh, well, then I'm shocked they were
available at a moment's notice.

Did you find them
feeding birds in the park?

They're funny.

Every single one of those writers

has been making sitcoms
since before you were born.

That's not a point in their favor.

We don't need a bunch of dinosaurs
in the writers' room.

So funny you say that,

Alan ran the last two seasons
of Dinosaurs on ABC.

Yeah, again, "wrote for giant puppets"
is not the mic drop you think it is.

Trust me, when it's late
and we're tired,

and we're stuck on that
last page of a rewrite,

you are gonna want pros like them.

They can come up with a joke
that gets ya home every time.

They're legends.

And they're hipper than you think.

- Hey.
- Nice kids,

but Selma had this great cunt joke,
went over like a fart in schule.

Also, uh, where can I find a fax machine?

- Oh, hold up.
- We gotta meet the Queen Bree.

Queen Bree Marie Jensen,
and she's single.

Can we, um, can we just tape this later

because, honestly,
I'm feeling really gross right now,

and according to wardrobe,

I look like a cow
if I'm not wearing Spanx.

We're live to 85,000 people.

- Oh, hi, everyone!
- Hey, yeah.

Hello!

You should show them the bird
that lives in the light grid!

Good call!

How hilarious is she?

Hey, Bree... Uh, Reed, a moment.

I just came from a bullshit meeting at HR
about what happened yesterday.

What happened yesterday?

Sweetheart, you got a hard-on.

Apparently, that's against company policy.

Oh my god, there was a meeting?

Oh my god, this is
the greatest thing ever.

I'm supposed to make you
feel comfortable because,

"The Walt Disney company
is committed to providing

"a safe and secure workplace environment.

"We must all work together
for a better tomorrow.

Walt Disney, where dreams come true."

- All right, great...
- Just to be clear,

Jerry, um, I'm not in trouble for being
so hot that Reed got an erection?

This is on Reed for being a dog

who goes full lipstick
if someone touches him, right?

No, this is about Reed.

None of the executives made fun of you.

Okay, the only reason this happened
is because I was reacting in character,

as Lawrence, who was
being aroused by his wife, Josie.

No, I don't think that's what it is.

What I think happened is that
you're confused because of our history

and I think you still
have feelings for me.

- I do not still have feelings for you.
- I am in a committed relationship.

Right, with Nora,
who's a real person in New York City.

- Okay, you know what?
- Thank you so very much, Jerry,

for bringin' this to my attention
and reading this document.

I have had enough.

Oh, no, there's, there's somethin' else.

Uh, Dennis, where's
the thing and the thing?

- Here you go.
- Wh-What are we doin' now?

This is called a vajoga.

God.

I'm thrilled to announce you place it
between your stuff and her business

as a protective barrier.

Um, Jerry, I don't think you are aware
of just how hard Reed was yesterday.

I don't think that's
gonna be enough protection.

Please kill me.

There's also this modesty sock.

Tell me more.

Well, you lace it around your member

and pull on the strap
until you achieve a snug fit.

This is fun.

Well, I won't need a vajoga,
and I won't need a sock

because after today,
I may never get hard again.

Hey, naughty man.

I knit you a scarf.

You wanna try it on for size?

- Oh, I, I don't know.
- I... wouldn't want you to get cold.

Don't worry, I run hot.

Especially since I hit my 50s.

Oh, wow, you know, I, uh,
just came to grab my, uh...

They need me on stage, so.

Ooh, are you tryin' to run away,
my little bunny?

'Cause that would make
Mommy so upset with you.

- No, no, no, no.
- No need to get upset.

Nobody's trying to run away.

I just, I-literally, have
to get back to the stage

to do my scene.

Oh, what if we shot a little scene?

"Interior me, Clay enters."

Oh, boy, I would really love that, uh,

but they're callin' me,
so, uh... Clay has to exit.

Reed! Hey!
Can I hide in your trailer?

Is this Zack's mom again?

Yeah, he found out,
but he's not even pissed at me,

and now that everyone's okay with it,
uch, it just feels wrong.

So break it off with her.

Well... Zack told me she busted
out some dude's windshield

for trying to cut and run,
and I can't afford that kind of trouble.

Well, I got problems of my own.

Apparently, there was a whole HR meeting

about my totally involuntary
and completely understandable incident.

Your dick caused an HR situation?

- Yeah.
- Interesting.

- Now we have to rehearse the scene...
- What if it happens again?

Just be a professional
and go crank your hog first.

I'm not gonna pleasure
myself at work, Clay.

That's practically all I do.

Why do you think I never know my lines?

Okay, it's, uh, 3:00

and we are still in the A scene.

That's because it took you guys
an hour to decide where to get lunch.

And then an hour to complain
about the lunch once it got here.

That meatloaf is, is still
not sitting well with me.

- Oh my god.
- Oh, what, what organ is-is right here?

Please don't die.

Then I'd be the schlockiest writer alive.

What about Murray Klein?

Murray Klein died on a sound stage
just like all his pictures.

He should rest in peace.

Terrible writer, but a fantastic lay.

Oh, sweet Jesus. Okay, can we,
can we please get back to the story?

All right.

Cody is broke, why is he broke?

Crippling student loans.

Inflation. Gas prices.

He, He lost his job because he
falls asleep whenever he hears a bell.

Ha!

What?

- What do you mean "what?"
- Obviously, he's been hypnotized.

Thank you.

When I was on the Lampoon...

Okay, that's four.

I count five.

What, what about, um, crypto or an NFT?

What the hell is an NFT?

What if Cody loses
his shirt playin' the ponies?

So, he's addicted to gambling
and he supports animal abuse.

I thought gay people
were supposed to be fun.

I'm gonna order you some
of those boxer briefs in fun colors.

Ooh, thank you.

I like it 'cause you don't see
a panty line on TV.

Yeah.

- Hey, guys.
- We got a little situation here.

This dude's from corporate HR.

Hi, I'm, uh, Tony Finger ton.

Well, hello, Mr. Finger ton.

May I offer you some grapes or a Go-Gurt?

- Oh, yeah, uh, sure.
- Uh, both would be...

No. We're not gonna give
this creep anything.

Wait 'til you hear what he has to say.

Fine.

Uh, uh, we've, uh, received word
of, um, unreported on-set romance,

which goes against, um,

s... uh, section four
of the employee conduct handbook.

But she's not even an employee.

- W... Uh, well, um...
- That's what I said,

but he said it's a problem
because you were a minor

when your mom and I originally met.

Correct. I-I-I'm sorry,
but if you don't end the relationship,

we will find Mr. Barber
in violation of his contract

and he will be terminated immediately.

- Oh my.
- What?! That's B.S.!

Language.

Aw, man, bro.

You've got a tough decision to make.

Okay.

Do we dare try the kiss
at the top for real this time?

I don't know, Jerry,

I would hate to see Reed punch a hole
in a perfectly good vajoga.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We
can do the kiss.

Are you sure you can handle it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, I am an artist,
and I have control of my instrument.

As long as I don't feel
your instrument on my leg.

All right, people, settle,

and may god have mercy
on our souls, action.

- Finally, have the house to ourselves.
- Mm-hm.

Bree?

Are you crying?

- Wait, are you okay?
- No, I just...

Wait, Bree, are you okay?

What'd you do this time?

That was not my fault,
completely flaccid over here!

Hello.

Look, I am so upset
about this whole HR situation,

- but you know the rules...
- Stop it.

I knew the whole thing was fake the minute
"Mr. Finger ton" opened his mouth.

- What?
- Clay.

- Okay, Susan, hold on. Don't get mad. I...
- I'm not mad,

but I am very disappointed.

Oh my god, that's so much worse.

Look, it's not what you think.
I can explain,

so there's no reason to start freakin' out
and smashing windshields...

What?!

Wait, is that what Zack told you?

Oh, I see what's happening here.

Can I be vulgar for a moment?

You're askin' me?

I like... to fuck.

And that's not easy for a son
to understand about his mother,

especially after a divorce.

I broke that windshield
from inside the car... with my foot

while having an orgasm.

The neighbors heard and called the police.

Jesus, that's actually impressive.

I owe it all to kettle bells.

So, you're not mad that
I don't wanna have a relationship?

I was married for 25 years.

I only go after men who have
nothing to offer me romantically.

Rough trade boys like yourself
are... kind of my thing.

Well, being called a rough trade boy

by women like you is,
uh, kind of my thing.

Now that Zack thinks
you'll get fired if we're together,

it's even more forbidden
than it was before.

Hm.

Maybe someday when
you're drunk and misbehaving,

you'll gimme a call
and I'll come and set ya straight.

I'd like that, Susan... I really would.

Take care of yourself, Clayton.

But not too well.

She's a heck of a woman.

I probably would've chosen my career, too.

Well, it was neck and neck.

Thanks for being so cool to my mom.

It was great seeing her happy.

Well, she's a nice lady.

At least you're still my TV dad.

- Yeah, well...
- see ya tomorrow.

Good night.

Look. Hey, I'm goin' to get
a hamburger after this,

- so if you wanna...
- Seriously?

- Shotgun!
- Hey, calm down, separate cars.

Right.

Race ya!

I can't believe I cried in front
of everybody like that today.

- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hm.

Why did you and Reed break up?

- Oh, we made each other crazy.
- In the good way and the bad way.

It was just too intense to last.
Totally the opposite with my ex-husband.

Maybe that's why you ran off with him.

Yeah, I might have over-corrected.

So, today?

- I think kissing Reed...
- took me back to the years

when someone made
me feel sexy... and loved.

And I got overwhelmed
with how long it's been.

Well, not having that
in your marriage must've been awful.

- It, It was good in the beginning.
- Anders and I had a lot of nice times.

I got to wear a crown,
they named an iceberg after me.

Wait, were they calling me cold?

- Well...
- What?

If it makes you feel any better,

half of the guys
on the crew wanna bang you.

Oh my god! No, they don't.

- Do they?
- Yeah.

Even the cute grip who looks like Jesus?

You are an 11 out of 10.

If you were feeling yourself,
you could take anybody

in this bar home tonight.

I think that is what you need
to get yourself right again.

- Maybe you're right.
- Mm-hm.

- Maybe I need to have hot, crazy, meaningless sex with a stranger...
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- No strings attached...
- Hello, ladies.

- Couldn't help overhearing...
- Nope.

O-kay.

Can you not do that, please?

You want me to throw 'em on the floor?

That's where your nuts usually are.

I don't love how much
you talk about Alan's genitals.

I'm sorry. Low-hangin' fruit.

How does she do it?

Okay, can we please
get back to the story?

Okay? Anybody, Josie and Whitney?

All right, Josie and Whitney.

Were we too quick to dismiss
the hot, clumsy delivery guy?

- No.
- No. You've got to stop pitching that.

- I'm telling you, it'd work.
- It's too sitcom-y.

- It's funny.
- None of us laughed.

You know, between us, we have
150 years in this business

and you guys haven't laughed at anything
coming from this side of the table.

I don't know, I laughed at some
of the sounds coming out of Alan.

- Story of my life.
- I love onions, they don't love me.

I'm telling you, it could be
symptoms of something serious.

Uh, I'm sorry, I, I just
think some of the jokes

you guys tell are a, a little c-corny.

Yeah, and a lot of them
are wildly offensive.

They're like the ones
my memaw tells at Thanksgiving.

- She sounds funny.
- Does she have a.

Okay, yeah, I'm gonna
just state the obvious.

So, we're coming from two
entirely different planets here.

Listen, sometimes it takes a while
for a room to come together.

We're never gonna come together.

Selma! Don't even.

Gimme four dildos and a metronome.

You are a broken woman.

Gordon, your writers and my writers
have nothing in common.

So, don't you think that
says something about us?

Says I know how to hire writers,
nothing personal.

Seems personal.

You know... we've barely spoken
for the last 25 years,

so I think we were fucking crazy
to think this could work.

Maybe this is not the place
for that conversation.

Or maybe there's just
nothing left to discuss... Yeah.

- Where you going?
- Guys, I'm, I-I'm really sorry

I dragged you all into this, truly I am.

Gordon, you know what?
You said this is your show,

so do it your way.

- What, you're quitting?
- Not much use in a room

full of people who can't agree
on a single goddamn thing that's funny.

Ah! Ow, fuck me.

Don't laugh, you guys are assholes.

- Oh, my baby, are you okay?
- No.

I'm talking to the garbage can.

- I don't know why I'm laughing?
- I'm in so much pain.

Wait, wait, wait!

Josie should eat it like that
in the kitchen scene.

- Ooh, absolutely!
- Yeah!

Especially if she just finished giving
some big, melodramatic speech.

And then she trips over an extension cord

'cause Cody's got his computer plugged in
and he's workin' on one of those NFTs.

- Okay, Alan, I see you.
- Yes!

I still don't know what it is,
but I like that somebody's falling.

- Falling is always funny.
- Yes. Falling's funny.

All right.

Well, uh, we should
probably order some dinner.

Yes, how 'bout a nice
deli platter from Nate 'n Al's?

- Ooh.
- I do like their salami.

- I bet you do, you old whore.
- You are fun.

You know about salami, huh?

- Hello?
- Hey.

I tried to catch up with you today,
but they said that you took off.

Just, uh, wanted to check in
in a, in a totally non-condescending way.

I'm doing better, thanks.

Good... Very good.

I also wanted to, uh,
let you know that you were right.

Um... deep down, I was worried about,

you know, whether I was gonna
feel that old spark again

ever since I heard
the show was coming back,

and, obviously, I still felt it,

and... uh, you literally did as well.

But I... just, uh,
I just, uh, had a sense today that,

uh, maybe you felt something too.

So, you know, if you
wanted to talk about it.

You know what?

I appreciate you saying that,

but I'm actually in a really
good place right now.

Oh.

Okay.

Glad to hear it.

Yeah... Good night, Reed.

Good night?

Everything okay?

Everything's great.

No!