Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Blonde Leading the Blind - full transcript

[Snoring]

[Softly] Van. Van.

Van! [Shouts]

Mrs. H, what are you doin'?

I made you some cookies, and look, I wrote
your name on this one with some M&M'S.

Wow. I dreamt it, and
it actually happened.

And this time,
I'm wearin' pants.

Good cookie. Good
freakin' cookie! Mmm.

- Hey, guys. What's goin' on?
- A perfect moment. Don't ruin it.

While Van was nappin', I
made him some cookies.

And milk. Your mother is
treating me, well, properly.



So Mom came home from work,
saw you asleep on the couch,

and instead of whackin' you with
a spoon, she made you cookies?

Good freakin' cookie!

- Something's fishy about this.
- Nothin' fishy around here.

Just a mother-in-law
showin' a little love.

Yeah. She likes me,
Cheyenne. Oh, I love him.

I love him a lot. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Not just fishy... sinister.

We're nice to each other.

She made me cookies.
I lent her my car.

[Chuckles]

My car!

[Shrieks, Whimpers]

[Gasps]



If it makes you
feel better, I'm fine.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Oh, Rhonda.

Your door.

Anything but your door.

Look, Van. I'm terribly sorry.

Get away from me,
you car wrecker!

Okay, Van. Okay. Do
not overreact. [Groans]

I'm sure it's something
that we could... [Sobbing]

very easily fix.

[Brock] Whoa. Not the door.

The door is the
hardest part to fix.

Oh, man. Van's gonna cry.

I'm not gonna cry.
No, I'm not gonna cry.

[Sniffles] It's fine.

But I'll be damned if I let
you people see me not cry!

Oh, I better go after him.
I've seen him like this before.

He writes poetry.

That's perfect. I get
a poem for school...

Written on a fifth-grade level.

Reba, did you do
this to Van's car?

It wasn't all my fault.
There was a pole involved!

Oh, yeah. And last week, when you wrecked
your car, there was a fence involved.

Now, could it be that you were
driving without your glasses again?

You don't live here.
Why am I talkin' to you?

Rhonda, Rhonda...

The car I was so "fonda."

I wish I could fix you...

with a magic "wanda."

Honey, that is beautiful.

Yeah, for a second grader.

Van, again, I am so
sorry about Rhonda.

Yeah? Well, now I'm gonna
have to go rent a Honda.

Reba, if you're gonna drive
at night without your glasses,

you're gonna have
to take other steps.

She wasn't wearing her glasses?

Cheyenne, she wasn't
wearing her glasses. How rich.

- Easy, honey.
- No, I'm fine!

I mean, why should Mrs.
Magoo wear her glasses?

I hate my glasses. They
make me look like a grandma.

Zip it.

Well, then why the heck don't
you just get laser eye surgery?

I don't have time to
do something like that.

Well, Reba, you
gotta do something,

because this family
is runnin' out of cars.

Mom, you should really think
about getting that laser thing done.

I mean, it only takes an afternoon. I'd
be happy to stay home and look after you.

Or I could look after her...

while she's blind
and defenseless.

I'm gonna go read Rhonda a poem.

[Door Opens, Closes]

Will you at least think
about getting it done?

I am getting it done,
Cheyenne, on Tuesday.

I had my consultation today.

Oh. You wanna
hear somethin' ironic?

The pole that I
smashed into today...

was in the eye
doctor's parking lot.

Oh. Well, so you're
doin' it. That's great.

Okay, so I'll stay home
and take care of you.

No, no, no! I don't want
anybody to take care of me.

I just need a ride there and back,
and then I wanna be left alone.

Oh! I'm so excited.

So, are you just getting the eyes
done, or are you gonna do the bags too?

Can they do that?

You are doin' so well, Mom.

And step. And... step...

I know how to
walk. I'm not a baby.

Oh, no, you're not. You're
a big girl. Yes, you are.

So, how long till you can see?

A few hours. The
kind of surgery I had...

is where they don't cut your
eyeball, they just scrape it off.

So the recovery's
a little bit longer.

[Chuckles]

Good Valium. Mmm.

Good freakin' Valium!

Okay. I'm gonna lead you
to the couch now, all right?

Gonna be a little
trust exercise. All right.

[Cell Phone Rings] Oh. Hello?

Oh. I'll call you back.

Cheyenne! Mom, I'm sorry.

Glen called Jennifer.
He is so cute!

- Okay, I'll help you
to the couch.
- Oh, forget it.

Mom, are you sure you're gonna be
okay? I feel guilty leavin' you like this.

Lookin' forward to some alone
time. Go on to the movies. I'll be fine.

Okay. But call me if you need
me. I'll have my cell phone. Okay?

- All right.
- [Cell Phone Rings]

Hello? Oh, no. It was nothing.
My mom's just blind, and she fell.

So tell me everything.
Oh, my God!

[Squeals] Oh. I'll call you
back. Where are you going?

I am totally, like, going in
the house. Move, please.

No, no. You can't
go in there. Why?

Because you can't. Why?

Well... Because... I
can't tell you! Why?

Because Mom got the laser eye surgery, and
she doesn't want anyone fussin' over her.

She's in there? This is perfect.

I have a score to
settle... a vendetta. No.

No, Van. No vendettas.
Come on. Why don't you

just forgive Mom and
go to the movies with me?

Please? [Chuckles] You
know what? You're right.

That's what I'm gonna do...
Forgive her. You know why?

'Cause you asked me
and I love you. Oh, baby.

Let me borrow your phone. I'm gonna
call for tickets. I'm gonna get the car.

Okay. Okay. All
right. [Chuckles]

[Beeping]

Barbra Jean. Hey. Just wanna
let you know... Mrs. H is in trouble.

I know, but she doesn't
want anybody to help her,

and I just wanted to call to
make sure that whatever you do,

you don't sneak over here
and make sure she's okay.

Bye now.

That was for you, Rhonda.

Cup, cup, cup,
cup, cup, cup. Ah.

Cup. Got me a cup.
Water, water, water, water.

Water, water,
water, water, water.

Okay. Now I'm
hungry. Fine, dandy.

[Sighs] Sandwich.

Where's the bread?
Where's the bread?

Here?

Bread was right here just the
other day. I know I put it here.

[Chuckles] There it is.

Okay. Good bread. Good bread.

There you go.

Bologna-and-cheese
sandwich. Good.

No. Peanut butter.
Love peanut butter.

Jake hid the peanut butter
on me. I know he... Durn it.

Was right here. Ah.

Right by the bread.
That's where it always is.

Ah! Good old peanut butter.

There you go. [Chuckles]

I can do this all by myself.
I don't need Cheyenne.

Knife. Need a knife.

Oop. That's a fork.

That's a fork. That's a spoon.

Ah. Knife.

Okay. Where'd the bread go?

Ah.

Where's the other
piece of bread?

Fewer carbs this way.

[Screaming] [Screaming]

Barbra Jean, what
are you doin' here?

You can hear!

How did you know I was here?
I didn't want anybody to know.

- He made me promise
I wouldn't say.
- Brock?

No, Van. No!

Barbra Jean, I'm gonna say
this as nice as I possibly can.

Please leave me alone.

[Exhales] Reba, I can't.

I saw you in here fumbling
around. It was pathetic.

I mean, drinkin' a plant?

Reba, let me be your eyes.

I-I'll read to you, and
I'll cut up your food,

and-and I'll teach you
how to put your makeup on.

The right way. Okay, that's it!

I didn't ask you to be here. I
don't want you here. Now get out!

[Scoffs] Fine.

If that's the way you
feel about it, I'm leaving.

Good-bye, Reba, and good luck.

Barbra Jean, I
know you're still here.

All right. Fine. I'm leaving.

Barbra Jean. What?

Get out! Okay!

Barbra Jean?

Huh.

Marco. Polo.

Barbra Jean! Aaah!
I can't leave you!

Now, since you can't watch TV,

I thought that, for
entertainment, I could read to you.

Read? Why? Just
to prove you can?

I chose a classic...
Oliver Twist. Okay.

Boring, boring, boring.
Blah, blah. Orphan, orphan.

Okay. Here we
go. [Clears Throat]

[British Accent] "Please,
sir. I want some more."

"More?"

Are you still reading,
or did you just pass gas?

Hey, we're back. Oh,
look. It's Barbra Jean.

[Door Closes]

Well, I guess we're
even. Right, Mrs. H?

Really? [Chuckles]

Go check the other door.

Oh, I'm real scared.

[Door Closes] All right, Barbra
Jean. I'll take over from here.

Oh, no, no. I can't
leave yet, Cheyenne.

I haven't taught Reba to catch
the little ball with the bell in it.

Reba? Can you hear
it? Reba? [Rattling]

All right. You stay here. I'm gonna
go get my cell phone from the car.

Even though Mom
didn't want your help,

I'm sure you were a
very good nurse. Yeah.

You know, as a kid, I always
wanted to be a nurse. Mm-hmm.

In the high school talent
show, I juggled bedpans.

Oh. My book. I left my
little Dickens in the house.

Oh, Cheyenne.
I'm glad you're back.

I couldn't wait to tell you
about my day with Barbra Jean.

Mmm?

You know, you'd think that
havin' a laser shot in my eye...

would be the worst part
of my day, but it wasn't.

[Sighs] Do you have
any idea what she did?

[High-pitched Voice] No.

Well, she sang to me,
and then she read to me.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

In this really bad accent. Now, I usually
don't make fun of people's accents,

but hers was like... [British Accent]
"Please, sir. May I have more?"

"More?" Oh, man.

I was thinkin' to myself
while she was here,

"Why just couldn't I
have been deaf too?"

- [Chuckling]
- [Crying]

Mom, what'd you say to
Barbra Jean to make her cry?

Barbra Jean?

Oh, crap!

Well, honey, maybe she
was just kiddin' around.

She does not have a
sense of humor, Brock.

[Clattering]

Brock, get rid of her. I
do not want to talk to her.

- Barbra Jean?
- No. No, it's me.

[Chuckles] Boy, you really
can't see anything, can you?

- No.
- So, listen. Uh...

Barbra Jean told me what
happened between the two of you,

and I gotta say, Reba, it
sounds like you were a little mean.

Oh, I knew that's what
she was gonna say!

That's why I came over here, because I
just had to give you my side of the story.

Okay, great. Great.
What's your side?

Well, for one thing, I made it
clear that I wanted to be left alone,

but she insisted on staying.

- You know how annoying
she can be.
- I... Um...

Oh, Brock.

Don't play dumb with me.
You said it just the other day.

"Man, sometimes Barbra Jean
really gets on people's nerves."

[Mouthing Words]

No. No, I never said that.

What I said w... You
know, that's not the point.

Now look, Reba. If you
had seen Barbra Jean's face,

I don't think you'd
be defending yourself.

In fact, I think you'd be
apologizing right now.

Nah!

On the other hand...

- Nah, nothin'.
- Wait. No. Wait, wait, wait.

What were you... What
were you gonna say?

Look, Reba. Just...

Just pretend that I'm her.

Now, what would you say?

- Oh, you'll just tell her.
- No, I swear I won't.

Well, I guess I
would say to her...

I got mad when you tried to help me,
'cause I hate thinkin' I might need help.

It scares me. [Exhales]

Go on.

Mostly because of the
way my life has turned out.

Makes me worry that there won't be anybody
around to help me when I really need it.

But the truth is, I don't
need to worry about that...

because it looks like I'm always
gonna have someone there for me.

I know you're there, Barbra
Jean, so you can hug me now.

Was it because we're just so
close you could sense my presence?

No, I can still smell the
peanut butter on you.

Oh, Reba. I will never, ever
forget what you just said, ever.

Oh, honey. I gotta go write this in my
diary while it is still fresh in my mind.

"And then she turned to me and
she said, 'Barbra Jean, I apologize.

You have made my
life a garden of orchids.'"

That was very nice, Reba.
Yeah, I regret it already.

Mmm. Okay, I get it. You
don't wanna talk about it. Fine.

So how's your eyesight?

- Actually, it's pretty amazing. Whoa!
- Yeah.

You have gotten old.

Van. Van!

Wake up. Made you
some more cookies.

Really? Mm-hmm.

You're not mad about the
whole Barbra Jean thing? No.

Actually, I made these cookies as a peace
offering. Forgive and forget. That's me.

Wait a minute. "Forgive
and forget" isn't you.

You're "Hell hath no fury."
You put something in these.

Just double chips. Come on, Van.

Either you're gonna eat
the cookies, or you're not.

Sooner or later, we have to
learn to trust each other again.

Jake. Have a cookie.

Cool.

How is it? Really good.

[Chuckles]

How'd it go? Great.

I took the cookie you
told me to. [Cackles]

[Groans]

Acme! [Coughing]