Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 1 - Where There's Smoke - full transcript

[Door Opens]

Howdy-ho, Reba.

I made you a Bundt
cake for your party tonight.

The Germans call
it "Boondt." [Laughs]

[Snorts] Oh, those
funny Germans.

So, what time should
I be here tonight?

The cake can stay,
but you gotta go.

This party is business,
as in none of yours.

Yes, but like so many things,
I've made it my business...

and prepared a speech to give
to your clients. [Clears Throat]

"Reba is not just the best
real estate agent in town.



"She's also my best friend.

"I do not know what I
would do without her.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I thank
God that her husband made a pass at me."

I bet God really
loves to hear from you.

- [Cheyenne] Hey. - Oh.

Cheyenne, how was
your 12-step meeting?

Uh, Reba, those
meetings are anonymous.

She's not supposed
to talk about them.

Oh, no, no, no. I can talk about my
meetings. And they're going really well.

I mean, like, really,
really, really well.

I don't know why, but I just... I
don't feel the need to drink at all.

So how was your day?

Give me that
thing. Oh! Hot, hot.

What do you think you're doing?



I'm smoking. Look. It's no big deal.
I'll quit before it affects my looks.

I'm a little more worried
about your health...

and the health of
everybody around you.

Well, almost everyone.

Okay, look. I do not think
smoking is that bad for you.

I think tobacco's a vegetable.

- [Mouthing Words]
- Yeah.

Cheyenne, take it from me.

It is not worth it.

I mean, sure, you look
cool and sophisticated,

especially if you got a sterling
silver case and a holder like I did...

- Wait. You used to smoke?
- Pack a day.

And I'm telling you. Smoking
makes you a social pariah.

Nobody wants
anything to do with you.

Are you sure they
knew you smoked?

Ha, ha, Fräulein.

Okay, look. I know
it's bad for me,

but it helps me
not want to drink.

Honey, if you're having
a hard time with this,

maybe I shouldn't have
this party for my clients.

- I mean, there'll be
a lot of drinking there.
- No, Mom, look.

I told you. I cannot
live in some fake world

and pretend that
alcohol doesn't exist.

- I just need to smoke right now
to help me get through this.
- Look.

Let's work something out.
Cheyenne, I'm sure if you quit smoking,

Reba will let you have
a snort now and then.

No. She will not smoke,
and she will not drink.

As for you, you can smoke and
drink and go skydivin', for all I care.

I bet she's the
life of Oktoberfest.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey, Mrs. H. Oh, Van. Good. I'm
just finishing you up a grocery list.

Sorry. Don't have time.
I got our party later on,

and I still have to work on
my conversational pieces.

Conversational pieces? Hey.

It's hard work being witty.

And I don't want to step on
my tongue like the last party.

I don't know why pregnant women get so
touchy when you ask them when they're due.

That's because
she wasn't pregnant.

And she wasn't a she.

Well, I'm pretty sure he
was wearing maternity pants.

Van, look. Cheyenne's
going through some stuff.

Yeah, I know. I know.
Watch her like a hawk.

- I was going to say...
- Be supportive. I know. I got it.

Man, you take stuff
so seriously. Stop it.

It's just that I'm worried
that she's having...

a harder time with all this
than we thought she would.

Now, we need to be aware and pay
attention to what she's going through.

Man, Mrs. H, life does not have to be
a constant "Grr, look at me. I'm Reba.

What obstacle do I
have to overcome today?"

Just go with it, man.

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, ahhh.

Man, Cheyenne, your
mom's got a bug up her nose.

She's all over me how I should
be watching you like a hawk...

and what a tough time you're
going through and, "Grr, I'm Reba."

- You know how she is.
- Wait. Why are you supposed
to be watching me?

Was she asking about
my drinking again?

Yeah. Like I don't
pay attention.

I should have been, "Look. Red.

"I'm her husband. I got this.

I know what she's up to." But I didn't.
You know why? 'Cause I'm afraid of her.

You know, this is really
starting to get on my nerves.

I mean, you... you
admit that you have a

problem, you take
the steps to deal with it,

and then all of a sudden
everybody treats you

like you're a completely
different person.

You know? Why...

can't everyone realize that I'm just the
same old Cheyenne as I always was?

Exactly. I realize it
because I'm aware.

Hey. Can I have one of those
vitamins? Give me a Wilma and a Dino.

You know what? I had a Dino
yesterday. Make it a Barney.

No. Van, those
vitamins are not for you.

Are those chick vitamins?

Will I grow boobs? No.

Okay. I'm gonna tell you
something, but you cannot repeat it.

- It's called disulfiram.
- You're right. I can't repeat that.

It's a prescription
medicine for alcoholics.

It makes you violently
ill if you drink alcohol.

A pill that makes
you sick if you drink?

Doesn't that ruin drinking?

Well, that's the point.
It's called Booze Away.

Oh. Cool. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I know that if I have one of
these, I can't have a drink.

So why are you hiding
them from your mom?

'Cause I don't want her to find out.
She's been on my case about everything.

She's always snooping around,
looking for signs of trouble.

So promise me, Van,
if she asks you, as far

as you're concerned,
those are just vitamins.

Got it. Mmm.

Thank you, honey. [Coughs]

H-Have you always smoked?

[Brock] Hey, guys. Listen.

It's about Cheyenne.

I think we should all be impressed
that she hasn't had a drink in two weeks.

Hey. I haven't
peed in six hours.

But when somebody gives up
something like Cheyenne has done,

well, sometimes
they do other things...

things that we might
wish they weren't doing.

- Like what?
- Well, like,
for instance, smoking.

- Smoking what?
- Cigarettes.

I just wanted to make sure that you guys
weren't gonna look at Cheyenne smoking...

and think, "Oh, wow. She looks
so cool. Maybe I should try that."

Oh, man. That last
sip topped me off.

Did you honestly think I'd start
smoking just because Cheyenne is?

I just didn't want for you to
be curious about cigarettes,

and for that to lead
to you tryin' 'em.

- Here. You want to take a look?
- I've seen 'em before, Dad.

These are nasty little buggers.

I know how seductive these
things can be, Kyra. I used to smoke.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I quit before Cheyenne was born.

I haven't smoked
since. Good for you.

You might find yourself
in a situation where

somebody offers you
one of these things.

I have. That's when I used that
powerful "just say no" technique.

"Just smell that
tobacco," they might say.

Thanks for the advice. You
can throw those away now.

[Chuckles] You're darn
straight I'm throwin' 'em away,

because smoking
is bad and evil, Kyra.

Bad and evil, I tell ya.

Oh, baby.

Geez, Mrs. H. You sure
did get a lot of booze.

Well, Van, a lot of
people feel uncomfortable

at these business-type
get-togethers.

So a few drinks kind of
help break down the barriers.

That way, they can relax and get
right to their conversational pieces.

It is hard work being witty.

Oh, look. There's
Cheyenne's purse.

You know, I'm halfway
tempted just to go through it...

to make sure she got rid
of those stupid cigarettes.

Oh, who am I kiddin'?

You know, I'm just doin' this
because I'm trying to protect her.

What do I care? She
goes through your purse.

Nope. No cigarettes.
Just a bottle of vitamins.

Vitamins? No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Van, what are you doing?

Th-These vitamins are for women.

Van, I'm a woman.

Don't you have special
vitamins for people your age?

You know, for bone loss.

Fork 'em over.

Seriously, Mrs. H. You
don't need these vitamins.

You look terrific. I'm
serious. You're hot.

If I wasn't married to your
daughter, I would totally... Ah! Stop it!

Look, Van. We're
fixing to have a party,

and I don't have time
for these silly games.

Come on. All right.
I'll tell you what.

If you can snatch this out
of my hand before I close it...

Probably won't be needing
my conversational pieces.

In our real estate dealings,
Van and I focus on being positive.

Like I always say, if life gives you
lemons, make yourself a screwdriver.

Oh! [Chuckles]

Hey. Van, what are you doing?

I... I think this bottle
of vodka is bad.

Yep. It's flat. Let me
get you a fizzy one.

Cheyenne, where have
you been? I need your help.

What are you doing? Oh!

Trying to keep your mom
from drinking this vodka.

Honey, you could just
pour it down the drain.

Mmm. Yeah.

I could.

Wait. Why are you trying
to keep Mom from drinking?

Because before the party, your
mother snooped through your purse,

found your bottle of Booze Away pills,
thought they were vitamins and took one.

What? Now, if she takes a drink,
she's gonna blow like Mount Rushmore.

You have to tell her. Now?
In the middle of her big party?

I can't pound this whole bottle of
vodka! I barely got down the scotch.

Look, Van.

If I tell her, I'm just gonna
get some big, old lecture.

We'll just keep her
from drinking, okay?

Keep your mom from drinking?

Have you even seen her at parties?
It's like she's sponsored by Smirnoff.

Van, quick. She's got
wine. Go. Go, go, go.

As I was saying, Van is
my son-in-law, and I thought,

"Well, I'll just bring
him in to work with me,"

and... and he's been doing
a really good job. [Sneezes]

Van!

Oh, my gosh. Is that my
gum? Here. Let me get it out.

Wine's a little corky. You
should probably switch to juice.

I'll just have a beer.
I think we're out.

No, there's one
right over there.

Excellent beer spottage,
Mrs. H. Good eye.

Good eye.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Like I said, we're out.

Well, if anybody wants a beer,
we can just squeeze Van. [Laughs]

If you'll just pardon us just
for a sec here. [Chuckles]

Van, what's wrong with you?

I'm a little buzzed
there, Redster.

Look. Mom. We found out
that alcoholism is hereditary,

which means you could
easily get it from me.

I appreciate your concern,
but I have to give a speech,

and I don't have anything
to toast with. Well...

Just say you'd like to make a
toast, then hold up a piece of bread!

You see?

Booze doesn't make you
charming. Humor does. Yeah.

[Chuckles] Move.

Everyone. Pardon me. [Clinks]

[Chuckles] I'd like to thank
you all for coming out today.

You know, real estate isn't about
houses and land. It's about people.

And Van and I feel like our...

Our clients are the best
darn people in all of Houston.

So, cheers.

Mrs. H, no!

Um... [Chuckles Nervously]

Real estate's also
about, um, family.

I-I-It's family togetherness.
[Cheyenne] Mm-hmm.

You know? And, um, looks like
someone starting their own family.

Ma'am, when are you due?

Van, she is not pregnant. What?

- So, everyone, cheers. Cheers.
- [Glasses Clinking]

So, stick around,
have a great time.

Relax. Enjoy yourself.

And when you go home
tonight, think about who...

Th-Think about
who put you there.

Think about... Oh,
God, excuse me. Oh. Oh.

Well.

This has given us a
lot to think about. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Ah.

[Murmurs]

[Barbra Jean] Brock?

Did you just spray
yourself with canola oil?

Did I what? No, of course not.

Oh, you mean that? Yeah.

Yes. Yes, I did. Oh.

You mind telling me why you just
sprayed yourself with canola oil?

They say it's very
good for the skin.

And every time I
walk into a room today,

you are spraying
yourself with something.

Cologne. Air freshener.

Cookin' spray.

I find that odd.

And it makes me want
to ask you a question.

Oh?

What's her name? Whose name?

The skirt you been
runnin' around with...

The one whose perfume
you're trying to cover up.

Is it that tramp Kathy Tillman?
Oh, Brock! Oh! Barbra Jean!

Look! There's
nobody. I sw... You liar!

Barbra Jean. Look.

It's... It's this.

I've been smoking.

Smoking? Yeah.

Who got you hooked on
smoking? That tramp Kathy Tillman?

Barbra Jean. Think.

What would I need with another
woman when I have these?

Honey, this is not okay.

We have two children living in this house.
You cannot smoke. This has got to stop.

It will. It will. I swear.

You know, I'm... I'm just gonna
finish this pack, and then I'll...

- Brock.
- Fine.

I'll go to the store
and get some patches.

And, honey, I... I'm sorry I
got so crazy back there. Mmm.

And just so you know, Kathy Tillman is
one of my nearest and dearest friends.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Don't worry, Mrs. H.

I told everybody you'd
been drinking all day.

Van. Your breath is
making me nauseous.

Right back at ya. Oh! Good Lord.

Van, leave Mom alone. And
quit breathing on her. She's sick.

I don't... I don't understand
it. I was feeling terrific.

Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.

I mean, you eat
right, you work out,

you take your vitamins.

- [Laughing]
- Knock it off, Van.

Oh, I'm just making a little joke.
She has no idea what I'm talking about.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh. Oh, I'm not telling.

Not telling. Not telling.

Seriously, you'll be mad.

Cheyenne, what is he talking
about? Tell me right now.

All right. All right.

Clearly the hens need
some time to cluckety-cluck.

This rooster's
gonna be upstairs.

[Clicks Tongue, Sighs]

What is he talking about?

Okay, you're probably not
gonna think this is funny now,

what with all the
vomiting and stuff, but...

when you feel better, I promise
you, you are gonna see the humor.

Step it up, Cheyenne. I'm
about to wreck your blouse. Okay.

Here's the thing. That
vitamin that you took earlier...

Well, it's not
exactly a vitamin.

It's... It's called Booze Away, and it
makes you sick if you drink alcohol.

And I didn't realize how
sick. So... [Chuckles]

Boy, that is a warnin'.

So you take a pill
so you don't drink?

What do they think about that down at the
meeting? Oh, okay. About the meetings...

I stopped going. Cheyenne, why
would you stop going to the meetings?

Well, because I had to.

They got a bell.

What? Well, you used to be
able to talk about yourself...

for as long as you wanted,
and everyone had to listen.

But now, when they think you
talk too long, they ring a bell on ya.

And I'm the only
one they do it to.

Oh, honey, I'm sure
it just seems that way.

Oh, they call it
"getting Cheyenned."

Well, what are
those people thinkin'?

The whole point of having the meeting
is so you'll talk about your drinkin'.

Okay. Well, that's not
exactly what I talk about.

Okay. What is it
you do talk about?

I talk about lots of
stuff. You know, like...

shopping and makeup and shoes.

American Idol. Cheyenne, it's a
12-step meeting, not a slumber party.

Why don't you talk
about the drinking?

Well, because that's
embarrassing. Really?

More embarrassing
than getting Cheyenned?

I just want this to be over.

I know you do, honey. But
it's gonna be a struggle...

and something you're gonna have
to deal with for the rest of your life.

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

I'm through giving
you pep talks.

You're gonna have to stop
taking the easy way out.

So I'm supposed to go to those
meetings and have them ring a bell on me?

If that's what it takes
to get you better,

then, yes, ma'am,
you're gonna have to do it.

Fine. I'll go. But I'm gonna start
by telling 'em how mean my mom is.

Okay.

Cheyenne.

I need you.

[Affecting Hispanic Accent] I
need you to come upstairs with me...

and clean the lamp that I broke.

[Chuckles] Reba!

Reba! Reba! Reba!
Reba! [Shouts, Laughs]

[Shouts] Reba!

Why is this bed so high?

Why are there so many pillows?

[Grunts]

Hey, Van.

So, I decided that I'm gonna
go back to my meeting tomorrow.

And I cannot wait, because
I have so much to talk about.

Which reminds me, I
gotta pick out an outfit.

I was shopping at the mall
today at my favorite store,

and I saw this really
cute pair of pants.

I mean, they were a little trashy. Not
trashy on me, but trashy on other people.

But it turns out they didn't even
have my size. You know what?

It is so cool I can talk to
you about stuff like this,

since I can't talk about it
at my meeting anymore.

I totally forgot to
tell you. [Ringing]

I was with Elizabeth. We
were walking through the mall,

and this girl came up to us, and she
wanted us to take pictures of Elizabeth,

'cause she said she was
beautiful... [Loud Ringing]

Acme! [Coughing]