Reaper (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 2 - Dirty Sexy Mongol - full transcript

So what does this soul
look like?

He's a Mongolian warrior
from the 13th century.

Whatever they look like...
that's who we're after.

Traditional Mongolian dress
is called a del.

It's worn by both
men and women.

It's widely worn
by Mongolians today.

- Is that so, Professor?
- Hey, don't mock me, okay?

History Channel docs are a great way
to break the ice with the ladies.

What ladies?

All right, he just
got out of hell yesterday.

Devil said he'd come here
to steal a horse.



And he's skilled with
swords, spears and knives.

He could probably snap your spine
with his bare hands.

Maybe you guys should
cover the other exit.

Cover the exit with what,
our spines?

Yeah, you have that.
We're sticking with you.

He's probably hiding.
Keep your eyes open.

- Look.
- What? What?

Bunny.

Oh, he's gonna get crushed by the horse.
Cover me, okay?

- Ben, what are you doing?
- Ben.

Idiot.

- Isn't he cute?
- No no no, Ben, no.

Can we keep it?
I've always wanted a rabbit.

No, my house... my rules.
No pets.



It's our house now.

Can we discuss this later?
We need to find the stupid soul.

Look out.

Sock, the phone...
it's freaking him out.

I'm gonna call you.

Yeah.

Oh, who's the big,
tough,

stupid, stinky
Mongolian now, huh?

I'm just
a primitive being.

I don't understand
your modern technology.

Ben, get the vessel.

Ben, drop the rabbit.

Ben, drop the stupid rabbit.
Get the vessel.

Get the vessel.

Whoa whoa whoa.

I got it.
I got it, guys.

I got it.

What?

That's the soul who figured out how
to get out of his deal with the devil?

Yep. I'm gonna hang
these up all over town.

I don't know how else
to find the guy.

"Large reward."
Exactly what do you mean by "large"?

I got a gift certificate
to Outback.

- $30.
- Ooh, nice.

Hey, have you seen
the bok choy?

King Charlie here
just loves it.

Didn't Sock say you were
supposed to leave it out in the garage?

Yeah, but he doesn't
like it in there.

He needs to be inside.

Besides, he won't be
any trouble.

You know, Ben,

when was the last time
you went out on a date with a girl?

- Why?
- I'm just saying

sometimes when you get lonely
you sorta...

you get really attached
to animals.

That's not...

this is not
about that.

Don't listen to him,
King Charlie.

He's just jealous.

Don't you dare
listen to him.

Time to...

wake up, brother!

No, Ben, not today.

Hey, top of the morning
to you!

I can't believe I'm
wrestling with my brother.

Believe it.
Come here.

So fun!

So fun.
So excruciatingly fun.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Oh, okay, all right.

- One, two...
- No, you don't.

Okay, all right.
Hello.

Oh, why, Sam,
why is she torturing me?

Oh my God, I can't handle it.
I'm cracking up.

- Oh, brother.
- What the hell?

It's like she's waterboarding my boys,
Sammy. They're constantly blue.

You got the Blue Man Group
in your pants.

Shut up, Ben. Whoa, hey,
what the hell is that?

Easy, you're scaring him.

I don't care.
Get that thing out of here.

Dude, what's your problem?
He's not hurting anybody.

Okay okay, house meeting.
House meeting.

First item up.
I propose a vote.

We put a ban on all bunnies
being in the house

at any time for any given reason.
How about that?

- Second it.
- All in favor?

- Aye.
- Sam.

- All opposed?
- Can we talk about this?

Thank you.
The ayes have it.

Take the vermin
to the garage now.

Make sure you tell your little buddy
to bundle up out there.

It gets good and cold
at night.

But in terms of your basic benchtop,
this really can't be beat.

It's lightweight, mobile
and a really great value.

- How big is the blade?
- 10".

- Motor?
- Single-phase, 120-volt,

34-50rpm
and a 27" fence.

Anything else?

I think that's it. You certainly know
your merchandise.

Mm.

Are you one of those
secret shoppers...

you know, they send you
from corporate

to see if we know
our stuff?

Was I that obvious?

No, actually.
You were really good.

Well, you were amazing.

Do me a favor, will you?

- Yeah.
- I can only do my job

if none of your co-workers
know I'm in the store.

Could you...?

Yeah, my lips
are sealed.

- Secret shoppers?
- Yeah, they pretend to be customers

but they really
work for the Bench.

They write up reports
on employees.

You remember Andrew Fink?
Yeah, he got fired last year

because he tried to sell
a secret shopper weed.

They spy on us?
They can do that?

Yeah, of course they can.
They can do whatever they want, man.

They're a big, giant
evil corporation

representing everything
that's wrong with this country.

Excuse me...

Shush shush shush.

I have a message for you and your boys
up at corporate, my friend...

I'm watching you
watching me

watching you.
Believe it.

Narc!

I just wanted
some rope.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Place the vessel
on the mat.

I don't have
a vessel.

Great.
Next.

No, hold on, please.
I need a favor.

Can you hang this
up in here?

No.
Get out of here.

Hold on a second.
Did you see that?

You recognize him.

All you meat bags
look alike.

This is a federal building.
No private bills can be posted.

- No, you know him.
- Gladys, come on.

I just need to track him down.
His name is Alan Townsend.

He used to be in hell.
I need an address.

- Not a chance.
- I got you out of hell, remember?

Once.

You're never gonna
let me live this down, are you?

I can't talk here.

Tonight, 8:00, look out your
back window.

I'll flash a light.
When you see that, go outside.

Next.

Oh, Sammy,

that look on your face...
priceless.

Yeah yeah,
you're hilarious.

Hey, you ever hear that noise again,
buddy... you just start running.

On second thought, forget about it.
You'd probably already be dead.

At least you'd know
what killed you.

- What are you talking about?
- Demons.

That's the sound one makes
when it's hunting its prey.

You don't recall
a certain demon rebellion

that sort of tried
to assassinate you,

what with you being
my son and all?

Right right.

Well, I try to watch
your back, buddy,

but you gotta remember,
I'm a busy guy.

It's an election year.

Okay, I know.
I'll handle it.

All right.
Oh, and one other thing...

assuming you're not torn apart
by demons in the next few hours,

you might want to try and catch
your soul sooner rather than later.

Those Mongols conquered
half the earth.

And I have a feeling
this guys is gonna adapt

to life in the 21st century
pretty quickly.

Okay.

Your copies are done.

Right. Thank you.
Thanks.

Thank you.
Thanks.

I'm always here
to help.

Remember to keep focused...

In and out.

She's torturing me, Sam.

She's like a prison guard
at Gitmo,

got my bonbons
all locked up.

She's not trying to torture you.
She's exercising.

This is so unfair.

I am not her brother.
I don't even look like her.

Why does she insist
on labeling me as a brother?

I just want her to see me the way
the rest of the world does.

And how is that?

As a sexual magician.

I gotta open her eyes,
change up the game,

explode the paradigm,
you know.

She's really flexible.

I know.
It's crazy.

I got it.
I got it.

I'll take her dancing.
Chicks love to dance, right?

They love to get drunk
when they dance.

And more importantly,
I can straight up shake this ass.

I start popping and locking
and she's gonna go bonkers, right?

Absolutely.

Sock, can you spot me
on this move?

Can I?

Gangway.

Okay.
Oh, look at me

spotting you.

I'm sorry you gotta
stay out here, little man,

but my roommates
have very little respect

for anything
but themselves.

Anyway,
I got you a present...

a tiki torch.
It's nice, right?

Scented with a little
citronella

to keep the bugs away.

Now we're living large.

She got me in a headlock
again, Sam.

Hello?

Gladys, where are you?

Let him go now!

Hey!

Hi.

Hello.

Surprised to see me?

A little bit, yes.

I almost got my throat
ripped out last night.

Drama queen.

You sent a demon in my house to kill me,
Gladys. Why would you do that?

We're in a book club
together.

So you agreed
to have me assassinated?

These book clubs
are a lot of pressure.

I want you to look
at that computer

and find Alan Townsend
right now.

There.
Happy?

Before I look
at this address

I want you to remember
who my dad is,

because if this is another
setup to get me killed,

I think Dad would be
very upset about that

and would want to punish
all those involved.

Am I clear?

Thanks.

This place is awesome.

I know.

It's so nice that we can do stuff
like this, you know,

just me and my brother
hanging out.

Yeah, just hanging
with your bro,

or just a dude who technically
is not related to you,

but has so much in common with you,
it seems like he should be...

not in blood relations
kind of way, but...

Oh, I love this song.

Me too.
Let's do it, come on.

Oh, Sock.

Like that?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Come here, baby.

Would you like
to dance?

So you think you can
actually get this guy to help you?

I hope so. We do have a common
enemy in the Devil.

What?

How great would it be
if this actually worked,

if I actually got out of
my deal with the Devil?

I know.

I don't want to jinx it,
but if this actually happened...

It would be amazing.

Yeah, no more Devil,
no more souls.

- We could actually be a normal couple.
- Yes.

- Do normal things.
- Yes.

Ooh, we could go
on vacation.

Yes, like a real
vacation... Paris.

We could go to Malta.

I don't even know
where that is.

But first he has
to help you.

I know, I know.

It's fun
to think about.

Yeah.

I'm starving.

I'm gonna go to the convenience store
on the corner.

- You want anything?
- No, I'm good.

Be back in a jiff.

You two seem
very much in love.

Why do you always
have to do that?

I just think that love
is really wonderful.

Whatever.

So what are you
doing here?

I was looking
for the Mongol.

I had a hunch
and Andi wanted to help...

Eh, that fish is a week old, Sammy.
I'm not buying it.

- I got...
- I know what you're really doing here...

making time
with your gal,

looking to steam up
the windows.

Meanwhile...

In local news,
a man on horseback

rampaged through
a downtown area today,

vandalizing property
and robbing several stores.

Police warn that the man
is extremely dangerous and not to...

You hear that?

- The police are after him.
- I know.

I don't want that soul in a police jail.
I want him in my jail.

I'm concerned that you're allowing
yourself to become distracted.

A $10,000 reward
is being offered

for any information
leading to his arrest.

Chips?

We gotta go.

What?

So this dude with these curly slut bangs
starts dancing with her.

And she completely
lets him.

- It's like I wasn't even there.
- That sucks.

I know.
I was pulling out this move too.

How do you
ignore that?

I don't know. I couldn't.
That's a great move.

Thank you very much.
I just want a little acknowledgment.

Oh, this is where
Ben said to meet him.

Chao anh, gentlemen.
What's that?

It's the vessel.
Where's the soul?

- He'll be here.
- How do you know?

History.
Observe, if you will.

All right.

Benjamin.

So, as any scholar will tell you,
the Mongols first invaded China,

then Korea,
all the way down to Vietnam.

Now, similarly, our soul
first ransacked

a Chinese restaurant,

then a Korean barbecue.

One guess as to what
he's gonna hit next.

Don't tell me it's
a Vietnamese restaurant.

It's gonna be
a Vietnamese restaurant.

And this one just happens
to be the best one in Little Saigon.

Ben, I don't think
it works that way.

Ignore history, Sam,
and see what happens.

So what, we're just
supposed to wait here?

Benjamin, do you happen to have
the rest of the pieces?

Way ahead of you.
Try the bahn pho.

- It's really good.
- I will.

I don't care who you are.
It's a 15-minute wait.

It's the Mongolian.

Where the hell
did he get a suit?

Devil said he could adapt.
Come on.

Benjamin.

Come on, Ben.

Get people
out of the kitchen!

Wait wait wait.
Stay back. Stay back.

Are you kidding me?

So you have to admit
I was right.

No question, the best
Vietnamese food in Seattle.

No, about the soul,
nimrod.

Ben, you were absolutely
100% right.

I am sorry
we doubted you.

Thank you.
So with those facts on the table,

I'd like to reopen
the vote.

King Charlie should be
allowed to live inside the house.

Benjamin, that smelly beast is not
setting foot inside this house, okay?

Plus, you need someone
to second the motion

to reopen the vote.
Out of luck, pal.

Sam?

I found the soul.

I saved your life
from the demon.

You have to
second the motion.

I second the motion.

Yes!
All right, cool. A new vote...

all those in favor of King Charlie
living inside the house,

please raise your hand.

Opposed?

- What?
- I'm sorry, Ben. It was a close vote.

- This is crap.

It's parliamentary procedure.
It's not crap.

It's crap.

Parliament, Ben.

What's up, bro?

Topher.
We met the other night.

I'm here
to pick up Kris...

Come on in, bro.

So, Toph, tofu,

- what do you do?
- Do?

Yeah, do for a living.

My dad owns
a car dealership.

Oh, look at you...
a self-made man.

All right. Very proud of you.
That's impressive.

Here's the thing...

Kristen is not
like other girls.

She is smart
and she is kind

and she is
very very special.

So if you think you're
gonna waltz up in here

and put another notch in your belt,
my man, you are sorely mistaken.

Because she is my sister.

And the only one allowed
to have sex with her is me.

Hey, To.

Sock, you remember Topher?

- Uh-huh.
- He's taking me dancing.

Funzies!

If she were my sister,
I'd probably want to do her too,

because that ass
is crazy doable.

Oh my God.

Oh my God,
I did that.

Oh, dude, oh, I'm so sorry, man.
That was way over the line.

Listen, I'm not only
a violent person.

I'm very tender,
very gentle and kind.

You want a bottle
with some ice?

Just leave us alone.

Go.

Are you okay?

Come on, it's not that bad.
At least he didn't call the cops.

It's terrible, Sam...
all of it, all right?

- Sock.
- My sister hates me.

I just...
you know what?

I need you to leave
right now.

Please just respect
my privacy

and go.

I see you.

Excuse me?

You have been coming
in here every day this week,

walking these aisles,
stealing furtive glances,

hoping, waiting,
fantasizing.

I'm sorry.
I think you're confused.

No no no, there's no
confusion here, sexy lady.

Yeah, no,
I know the drill.

A lonely hausfrau
cruising the Bench,

looking for a fleeting
moment of passion

with anyone
that will have them.

Sir, I really
don't think

that you want to continue
this line of conversation.

Don't worry.
You aren't the first

and you won't be
the last.

But you will be
the seventh.

What did you say
your name was?

Ted Gallagher,
manager.

- Sock, Sock.
- Leave me alone.

Listen to me. Ted hit on the secret
shopper and he got fired.

He's about to leave.

Agh! Where?

You're gonna hear a lot of terrible
things about why I was dismissed...

words like "harassment,"
"sexual advances,"

"inadequately endowed."

- Sir, please.
- Detective...

thank you.

But what kind of world is it
where a man can't

simply say hello
to his neighbor,

can't strike up a conversation
with a pretty lady,

can't flirt harmlessly, tell her
about his hobbies and passions?

Not the kind of world
I want to live in.

I'll tell you that
right now.

And just to be clear, sex swings
have been around for thousands of years.

It's not like I invented them.
I wish I had.

Sir, you need to leave
immediately.

I've been authorized
to use force.

I can't really...

Don't don't don't.
Don't analyze.

Just savor.
Savor.

Wait, Alan, hold on.
Wait, Alan.

I'm not here to catch you.
I just want to talk.

I just want to talk.

I'm not gonna talk to you.
You work for the Devil.

I do not work for him. He owns me.
My parents sold him my soul.

I'm going to hell when I die and I
didn't have anything to do with it.

That sucks, man, but I can't do
anything for you.

Yes, you can.
You can tell me how you did it.

Just tell me how you got out
of your deal with the Devil.

I'm sorry,
but I'm done with this.

I got a second chance
and I'm not gonna blow it.

I can't risk talking to you.
I can't risk helping you.

I gotta stay off
the Devil's radar

and I gotta avoid
any temptation of any sort.

Yeah, but that's
never gonna happen.

You're always gonna be
on his radar.

He's always gonna find
a way to tempt you.

No matter what you do,
where you hide,

he's gonna find a way
to get you into hell

unless I help you.

I know how he operates.
I know his tricks...

some of them.
And he trusts me.

I might be the only person in the world
to keep him away from you.

You set me up.

No, I didn't.
I swear.

Go back to your little hovel and warn
your rebellious friends

this one is not
to be touched.

Did you get a look
at its face?

I thought it was gonna
start bawling.

Oh, man.

I love killing demons.

Hey, drink up, buddy.

You just had
a near-death experience.

You ought to be
over the moon.

You're thinking about
Alan Townsend, aren't you?

You gotta let go
of that man,

face reality.

He's never gonna
talk to you,

not after what you did
to him.

What I did to him?

Yeah, it did sort of
look like you were trying

to get him killed
by demons just now.

You set this
whole thing up.

You had the demons
attack me on purpose.

Now how would I
do that?

Because you know if Alan thinks
I'm involved with those demons

he'd be too afraid
to talk to me, and he is.

You know,

it's funny how it all
worked out in my favor,

isn't it?

Look, I got a feeling
that soul is not gonna be able

to stay out of hell
too much longer.

So my advice to you...
forget about him.

Give over to your fate.

Because you can make
yourself miserable fighting it,

or you can accept
your lot in life

and make
the most of it.

Adapt or die,

like our little
Mongolian friend.

Did you know he's from
13th-century China?

And in a less than a week he's become
a Blackberry-toting jackass

who's terrorizing the city
like a professional.

We should all be
so wise.

Well, fine.

If you don't want to drink
to your happiness,

here's to your sorrow.

Hey, want to do a little
stretching with me?

This one's called
"the eagle pose."

Listen, hey, if you're waiting
for me to apologize

for what happened to Gopher,
you can forget about it.

His name is Topher.

What do you see in that guy?
He's a hair product.

What? Seriously, tell me.
I'd like to know.

Because he to me is
so obviously a player.

I don't know what dudes
are like in Japan,

but this douche bag just wants
to bang you and walk away.

Maybe that's
what I want.

Oh, come on,
how bad could it be?

It's bad.

Okay, so he saw
a couple of demons attack you.

The guy was
in hell, okay?

It's probably not even
a big deal to him.

The Devil screwed me. He made it
look like I was working with him.

There's no way that
guy's gonna trust me.

It's over.
It's hopeless.

No, I refuse
to accept that.

There's gotta be
something you can do.

There's not.
The Devil made sure of it.

What the Devil didn't count on
is me.

- Alan will talk to me.
- Why?

Because when I want something
I can be pretty persistent.

And I really really
want to go to Malta.

Hello hello.

Who's got fresh kale,
so nibbly, so delicious?

Oh.

Wow, we're in
the wrong garage.

Yeah, excuse us.

Sock, he has
the rabbit.

What? Oh, no no no,
you don't, no.

Please open
the door, Sock.

Don't even think
about it, Benji.

- Please open the door.
- The rabbit stays outside.

Open the door now!
Come on!

Sock!

Hello?

Come on, Charlie.

Anybody there?

Uh, okay, so we're
just gonna leave.

So thanks.

Uh, you seem a little
angry and upset

about what we did.

Let me just say
that I apologize

on behalf of myself
and the rabbit.

I burned you
a little bit there.

And that was
wrong of me.

That was so wrong.

Maybe we could get you
some ointment or something,

something to help
the scarring.

Please just be careful,
please.

No no no,
you don't want him.

I promise
he didn't do anything.

Just the two of us.
Okay.

I'm just gonna do
a little prayer.

As I walk
through the valley...

my mind's all blank.

I'm drawing
a total blank.

You know a prayer?

What?

What do you want
from me, huh?

What do you
want from me?

I want
what everyone wants.

I've been watching you.
You're very brave.

You risked your life
to save your friend.

You have a kind heart.

You seem to really love
that rabbit.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You have beautiful eyes.

Oh my God, he's dead.
There's nothing we can do.

- What do we do?
- Sam.

Sock, that thing took him
and he's not coming back.

Sam, listen.

Here's what
we're gonna do...

we need to get our stories straight.
People are gonna come here,

ask questions.
We have to have answers ready.

Sock, our friend is dead.

Ben would want us to have
a cover-up story for the cops.

And that is a fact, Sam. So now here,
this is what we're gonna do...

tell people that he went
on a bike ride

late by himself.

Maybe we invent a drug problem.
He was a drug mule.

- You know what?
- Narcotraficante.

None of this would have happened
if you just opened the door.

Hey, Ben knew the rules... no pets
inside the house. We voted on that.

Why do you hate
the rabbit so much?

Why do I hate
the rabbit, Sam?

Let me give you
one good reason...

because this is not
a Milk Dud.

This is not
a Milk Dud.

What's up, boys?

Oh my God, Ben,
you're alive!

- Benji.
- Yeah.

Oh my God, man.

Hell yes, I'm alive. Did you think some
punk-ass demon was gonna take me out?

We thought you were dead.
We thought you were dead, Ben.

What happened?

- So the thing grabbed me, right?
- Yeah.

And it took me up to a lair
up in the mountains,

sat me down and came
straight for to me...

I mean,
straight for me.

And I just went house
on that thing.

That's crazy.
How?

It was just like
a shot of adrenalin.

I just Jackie-Chan'd
its ass

and hauled out of there.
It was crazy.

I don't believe it.
Look at you.

You don't have a scratch
on you... nothing.

Not a scratch.
Nothing.

What?

Nothing. It's just
you fought a demon

and you're totally fine.
It's just odd, that's all.

What, you don't
believe me?

Who knows?
Maybe you're not lying.

Whoa, Ben, hey hey.
Rabbit... house rules.

No rules.
King Charlie stays.

It's my sister.

Hello.

Hey, I came as quick as I could.
Are you okay?

Here, get in.

You were totally right
about Topher.

He's a jerk.

What happened?

I went to surprise him

and he was having sex
with another girl.

Ha.

That's...
that's terrible.

I had my hair done.

I bought
fancy underwear.

I was gonna give him
my virginity.

Are you...?

Oh my God, you're not wearing
any clothes under that thing?

I feel so ashamed.

You were gonna give that guy
your virginity? Why?

I just wanted
to get it over with.

All my friends have
already done it.

I feel like
such a loser.

Part of me feels
so ready, you know,

just to have
meaningless crazy sex

with anyone.

I just thought

Topher would be easy.

Listen to me.

Your ladyhood

is a very very
special thing.

It's like...

it's like a super awesome
hot tub.

But if you just let
anybody hop into that tub,

it kind of becomes
meaningless.

It gets full of hair and you have to
clean it out all the time.

I hate dirty hot tubs.

We all do.
Now look,

sex can be
a wonderful thing

between two people...
don't get me wrong...

but it can also be just really gross
and kind of weird.

Look, you will find
the right person...

the perfect person,

maybe even closer
than you think.

You're so right, Sock.

I know.

I'm going to save myself
until marriage.

Did l...
Did I say that?

I'm going to keep
my virginity.

And I need
your help.

Oh, please, Sock.

Will you help me
not have sex with anyone?

Of course I will,
Kristen.

You're the best brother
anybody could ever have.

Yay.

Love it. Love it so much.
Okay.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Glad you made it.
You look amazing.

I know.

Um, just to be clear...

you're not just using me
to get to my friend

- so you can kill him, right?
- Probably not.

Yeah, that's good enough.

That's fine.

Oh.

Hello?

He's gone.

Holy cow.

Look at this place.

He could be anywhere
in the world by now.

There's no way
we're gonna find him.

We'll find him.

How?

Look at this.

"Don't overeat.
That's gluttony!"

"Don't covet neighbor's
possessions and/or wife."

What does it mean?

This guy was obsessed.

He's trying to avoid
temptation at all cost.

Gamblers Anonymous
schedule.

Exactly.
He's terrified

that the Devil is gonna
somehow tempt him back to hell.

This apartment
was his fortress.

So?

So we just need
to figure out...

where would Alan go
to be safe from the Devil?

It's hard work, sweaty,
and it doesn't pay that much.

Plus lots of people
are afraid of corpses.

Doesn't bother me.

Are you sure
you want the job?

This ground's been
consecrated, right?

By the bishop.

I'll take it.