Rawhide (1959–1965): Season 6, Episode 20 - Incident of the Swindler - full transcript

All right, come and get it.

Exhale, I'll do the rest.

Whatever you say, friend.
I'm not an arguing man.

Well, there's only one
way to saddle a horse.

That wasn't it.

You know, even when
that's horse is friendly,

it takes two of
us to saddle him.

If he's not friendly, it's
more than likely five or six.

As I said, gentlemen,
I'm not an arguing man.

Now, who have I the
honor of addressing?

Gil Favor, the trail boss here.



You better try this. You
look like you could use it.

Well, a gentleman and a scholar.
A knight in a world of knaves.

- Your health, sir.
- I'll settle for a name.

Coleman.

Straw Coleman, late
of New York, Chicago,

New Orleans,

you name it.

You know, even
with those bracelets,

you're the best-dressed
horse thief I ever saw.

Heh. Well, now, I'm sure that my tailor
would appreciate what you have to say

about my clothes,

but the rest of the statement is
a little strong, wouldn't you say?

Oh, how so?

Well, you said
it, friend, not me.



It would take five men
to saddle that horse?

Now, how can a man steal a horse
he can't get close enough to saddle?

Just trying. Just by trying.

Surely men of your stature
wouldn't condemn someone

on such flimsy evidence.

It doesn't look like we have to.

It seems like somebody
already beat us to it.

You mean these? No.

Fate, gentlemen.

An accident, no more.

You see, it happens
that I have a friend

who sells handcuffs
and leg irons

and assorted jail hardware
to officers of the law.

Now, he was entertaining
some customers in his hotel room,

and one of those present

thought that these handcuffs
were of inferior quality,

so my friend put them on
me to demonstrate their worth.

Now, it also so happens

that my friend has a
little trouble with the bottle.

And somehow he
misplaced the key.

Now, he was going
to find it in the morning,

but he forgot

and he took the stage north.

Mm-mm.

Heh. A perceptive man.

You know a fabrication
when you hear one, don't you?

Yeah, it sort of
comes out like a lie.

Well, precisely. I told a lie
because you expected to hear one.

Human nature, gentlemen,

as predictable as sunrise and...

Sunset.

I'm still listening.

Hmm?

Oh, all right. The truth you
want, the truth you shall have.

So help me.

I was traveling alone, carrying
a considerable sum of money,

when I was set upon.

Beaten mercilessly, robbed

and left for dead.

When did all this happen?

Yesterday.

Oh, yesterday, huh?

Today, you don't have a
speck of a bruise on you.

You heal mighty fast.

That's exactly
what the sheriff said.

You know, he had half decided that I
was the robber instead of the victim.

So he put these on me until we
could get the matter straightened out.

So naturally, I took the
first opportunity I could

to set about to find the
thieves to clear my good name.

But, oh, my,

tragically, I lost the trail. I
lost the horse some miles back.

And here I am.

No sale?

Nope. No sale.

Shame.

It was one of my better efforts.

Well, what happens now?

Nothing, for tonight.

Tomorrow you can try out your stories
on the sheriff down at Adobe Wells.

Maybe he'll be a
better audience.

Uh, it's possible but
highly improbable.

Lawmen and funny bones
just don't seem to go together.

Besides, uh,

I like this audience right here.

Well, enjoy it while
you can, then, Coleman.

You got until sunup.

I hope you boys ain't waiting
for the herd to come and find you.

Uh, Mr. Favor, even the
condemned get one last wish.

It's been a long
time between meals.

Ah. Wish, take care of him.

You keep an eye on him, hear?

Oh, you better make
that both eyes, Wish.

He's bound to have a little greased
pig in his family tree someplace.

Well, George,

it's been a long time.

I'll get you some stew.

What is it, 12 years?

Thirteen.

Oh, my.

Slumgullion.

It isn't like New Orleans,
but it'll keep you going.

Oh, well, George, to keep
going, I'll need more than this.

What else do you want?

Back interest on an old debt.

I'll settle for a gun, a horse and
the pleasure of your company.

No, I couldn't do that.

Well, then I...

I guess I'll just have
to settle for the reward.

Reward?

You were two days
gone when they posted it.

Five thousand dollars.

It's still there waiting for
the man who brings you in.

Can you imagine after
13 years, it's still there?

Well, think it over, George.

Don't take too long, though.

We only have until sunup.

Mr. Wishbone.

Mr. Wishbone, what's the matter?

Your back acting up again?

Go on back to sleep, Mushy.

I can mix up a batch
of that turpentine

and an asafetida liniment.

I could rub it on your back
and you'll be as good as new.

There's nothing
wrong with my back.

I don't need any liniment,
and I don't need any company.

Now, go on back to bed.

You're rocking
the boat, Coleman.

Just want a cup of coffee.

- Puts me to sleep.
- If it don't, this will.

Is that clear?

Like a window.

You know, it's funny.

Night air like this,

a whole skyful of
stars for a ceiling,

Mother Nature for a blanket,

and here you are just
sitting and staring at nothing.

If I didn't know you any better, George,
I'd say you have the look of a man

with a problem.

Look again.

A man can learn
to live with anything.

Even New Orleans?

I didn't do it, you know that.

Wrong, friend.

You told me you didn't.

There's a difference.

Now, I know it and
you know it, George.

But in my case, the
books don't balance.

And they won't until you erase me
from the wrong side of the ledger.

Look, Straw, I've
got a little cash.

Enough to hire you a lawyer.

- Maybe even... STRAW:
No shortcuts, George.

No easy way.

A lawyer can't help me

any more than he can help you.

It's not a bad setup
you have here, George.

Not bad at all, really.

Got a place in the sun,

a way to live out your
years with some meaning,

among friends.

I wonder how they would
take to New Orleans,

how they would take to
George Washington Wishbone

who ran,

who kept running for 13 years.

Straw...

You've got no choice.

A gun, a horse and the
pleasure of your company.

You better get some sleep.
We've got a long day ahead of us.

Well, if it isn't Joe Scarlet,
the original all-night nighthawk.

Funny.

I'll dish some eggs
up for you, Mr. Scarlet.

Oh. Whew.

Oh, never mind, Mushy.
I can do it just fine.

- What are you doing?
- What did I do wrong, Mr. Wishbone?

Nothing at all.

Just putting a pan away
that needs washing.

Now, get out
of here. I'll do it.

Why, sure thing.
Whatever you say.

- Have you got the firewood for noon?
- Yes, sir.

And have you hitched
up the supply wagon?

- No, sir.
- Then you better get at it.

But the dishes ain't washed yet.

Oh, never mind.
I'll do it. You go on.

Here, let me see that.

A burn? Now, when
and how did you do that?

The frying pan. The handle
was hotter than I thought it was.

Oh, Mushy.

A hundred times a
day I have to tell you,

watch what you're doing,

be careful.

And I just turn my back

and you go do some
fool thing like that.

Yes, sir.

Clumsy as a bear cub,
not a brain in your head.

Putting a dirty rag
like that on a burn.

You could catch blood poisoning.

I swear, Mushy,

I don't know what you'd do if I
wasn't here to take care of you.

But you're always here.

Yeah, but what if I wasn't?

Guess I'd have to
wait till you got back.

You do the dishes, Mushy.
I'll hitch up your team for you.

It's getting about that time.

I know.

Just so we both know.

All right, let's snap it up.

That herd ain't
gonna wait all day.

Jim, as soon as
you're finished eating,

you saddle up a
horse for our guest.

You and Scarlet can
escort him to Adobe Wells.

Boss, I just got
off of night guard.

Good, then your
saddle's already warm.

Uh, boss, why don't you
let me take Coleman in?

Well, I could use
some supplies anyway.

Some supplies? Are
you putting me on?

You done bought up half the staples
of the territory day before yesterday.

Well, yeah, but I forgot
some of the extras.

You know, like
cinnamon, molasses...

Extras? This crew's
spoiled rotten already.

Tough enough to get a
day's work out of them.

They don't need no fancy extras.

Boss, it's important.

Look, Wish, first things first.

First, you don't need supplies.

And another first, you ain't
the right man for the job.

- So get packed and get rolling.
- Mister...

Look, Wish, now.

Come on, Joe. Time
to take our friend here.

- Clippety-clop.
- That's right.

It's time.

Right there, Joe.

Stand right there.

What?

I mean it, don't anybody move.

Nobody except us
friends, that is. All right now.

Toss them in back of you.

Oh. What in the name of heaven?

I said, don't anybody move.

Look...

Mr. Wishbone!

Now, the next one's
not gonna miss.

All right, all right already.

You had me worried for a while there.
I thought you were never gonna move.

What's it all about,
Wish? What's he to you?

Ancient history, Mr. Favor.

Something won't stay buried.

Take care of the
horses. I'll mind the store.

Mr. Wishbone, you can't do this.

You just take good
care of yourself.

Hey, Mr. Quince,
I have your gun.

I might as well have your
belt to keep it company.

Hyah, hyah, hyah!

Kindly toss it this way.

Thank you, gentlemen,
for your hospitality.

- Put it down.
- Just one shot.

You might hit Wish.

It just don't make sense.

Pulling a gun on us,

for a crook like that.

Well, he didn't mean to
use it. He didn't mean it.

I'll believe that when
I hear it from him.

Round up the horses.

Jim, you hold the herd here

until Rowdy gets
back with the new men.

I'll catch up when I can.

- I gotta go with you, Mr. Favor.
- Mushy...

I can't let Mr. Wishbone
down. I gotta go with you.

All right. Pick up enough
food for both of us.

Well, still nothing.

Looks like your friends decided
we weren't worth chasing.

I don't have any
friends, not anymore.

Cheer up, George,
you're a free man.

What more do you want?

Just what I had, Straw.

What I'll never have
again, thanks to you.

Come now, George,
that's not a bit kindly.

After all, I saved your
neck in New Orleans.

You're just returning the favor.

Then it's even and quits.

No, no, not quite.

You see, a man can't
undo these things by himself

any more than he can
scratch his ear with his elbow.

You're gonna have
to cut them off me.

Then we part company.

You got a pocketful
of files or something?

We'll find them.

Okay, let's just
ride on, friend.

Wait.

I think I'll just relieve
you of your gun.

We wouldn't want any more
accidents, would we, now, friend?

No, Straw.

No more accidents.

The tracks come
straight in, Mr. Favor.

Yeah, maybe too straight in.

You check the barn.

Mr. Favor, over here!

- Mushy, get some water.
- Yes, sir.

Easy now.

Mr. Favor. FAVOR: Yeah.

You must have heard us come
in. How come you didn't holler out?

For all I know, you could've
been the same one coming back.

- What'd he look like?
- He has billy-goat whiskers, runty.

He rode in alone,
smiling and friendly.

Said he had a wagon
broke down up on the ridge.

Wanted to buy a hammer

and whatever cold
chisels and files I had.

What happened then?

I told him a man that lives
as far from anyplace as I do,

he can't sell what
few tools he's got

because he's sure to need
them himself come tomorrow.

I offered to lend.

I said I'd ride out with
him and give him a hand.

He didn't want that either,
and then he rode out.

About 15 minutes later, I
heard a step behind me.

Then the roof come down.

Had to be the same one.

No. It couldn't have
been Mr. Wishbone.

Oh, easy.

- We'll take you into the house.
- I'd be obliged.

There.

Oh.

Hey, put me downwind, and
I'll take off and I'll fly like a bird.

Yeah, well, you'll
be flying on one wing

because this
chisel's about had it.

Have faith, my
whiskered little friend,

and use a little more muscle.

You know, you give up too easy.

You even let that old nester
send you away empty-handed.

I'd still like to know how
you changed his mind.

I didn't argue. I'm
too smart for that.

I just waved some
money under his nose.

Heh. Now, you wouldn't
doubt me, would you, friend?

Would it make any difference?

You know, looking at
you, it's hard to believe

that you were the
man I used to know.

Back then, you had
a bounce in your step

and a sparkle in your eye.

New Orleans.

You fresh off the boat,
a chip on your shoulder,

a pocketful of money.

Remember?

Hi, handsome.

You feel rich enough
to buy me a drink.

Rich enough but
not thirsty enough.

At least, not yet.

Bet 60.

You bet 60. Yeah.

I'll call.

Straight. Ace high.

No hope, no help,
friend. Kings full.

Better luck next time.

I've had it for tonight.

Don't worry, sir, I'll keep
the money warm for you.

I found you a mark, Straw.

The one at the wheel,
derby hat, whiskers.

He's got a wallet in his
pocket that's as heavy as he is.

Well, that needn't be money,
but in this case, it could be.

Oh, just in case he
winds up in the river,

I don't wanna
know about it, huh?

Double aught.

Twenty dollars, please.

Place your bets, gentlemen.

I'd bet the black and even.

Number four, black and even.

Place your bets, gentlemen.

- Why?
- Hmm?

Oh, it's you.

Gambling make you thirsty, huh?

Why tell me about
the crooked wheel?

Oh, I wouldn't say it's crooked.

I just noticed that you do
better going against the big bets

than you do by going with them.

I think I will have that drink, and
it'd pleasure me to buy you one.

Well, that's very kind of
you. Thank you very much.

Coleman's my
name. Straw Coleman.

George W. Wishbone.

You know, if I was a gambling man,
I would bet you that that W stands

- for Washington.
- Washington.

Of course, it would have to.

Yes, it wouldn't be much
of a gamble. Whiskey.

Same, please. Put it on my tab.

Well, you just get
into town, huh?

Just come down the river.

Thought I'd stop off for one last fling
before my boat takes off for Texas.

Texas? That's a big place.

Do you have relations there?

Oh, no. Left them
all in Tennessee.

I'm gonna have a
ranch, raise cattle.

I envy you.

That is something I've
always wanted to do.

To your health, sir.

Well, the way I hear it, there's
room enough for both of us.

Hmm.

It takes a considerable amount
of cash to set up a good spread.

And every time I build
up a big enough pile,

I run into one of
those educated wheels.

Now, cards, that's an
entirely different matter.

Poker, for instance, is a
game of luck, a game of skill...

And a little knowledge
of human nature.

No. No, no, no, Straw. Your
dollar signs are showing.

- I'm not that big a mark.
- Ha, ha.

Well, you must admit,
it was a pretty good try.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
moment you've been waiting for.

The River City Salon
takes great pleasure

in presenting the
pride of New Orleans,

Miss Loreen Bouquet.

Come on!

Hallelujah!

- Ha, ha.
- Amen, friend.

She's all that and more.

Oh, you know her?

Oh. Not as well
as I'd like to, no.

She keeps us worshiping her
from a respectable distance.

Oh, well, that must be
because she's never met

a real Tennessee timber wolf.

All I need is an introduction.

Well, you scratch my
back and I'll scratch yours.

Like you said, my friend,

all it takes is a little
knowledge of human nature.

Fair enough. Only
I make the rules.

I'm all ears.

Table stakes,
one-hour time limit.

Now, if you're on top by
then, we'll play the string out.

But if I'm on top...

Loreen has a Tennessee
timber wolf on her hands.

Ah. Done.

Oh, one thing more,

we'll start with a new deck.

There it is.

One hundred iron men.

Now, either you call

or we have an all-night
game on our hands.

Oh, that wouldn't be polite,
Straw. Remember, we have a date.

I'll call.

Oh.

It rhymes with "blush,"
my Tennessee friend.

Start bleeding.

They're all red.

Good hand. But not good enough.

It's like my daddy always said,

it takes a pretty strong
hand to top one lady

but a ten-buggy prayer meeting

to put a lid on four.

This daddy of yours, does
he give lessons on the side?

Well, I'll see if that can be
arranged after our little appointment.

Four queens.

A hundred dollars?

That was only his half.

The other hundred was mine.

You mean you wagered all
that money on an introduction?

So I've got all that extra money
and no one to help me enjoy it.

Have you ever tried
your hand at faro?

Oh, not tonight, Straw.

Mr. Wishbone has an engagement.

Well, at least I hope he has.

I've got a buggy waiting.

Oh, Straw, take
back your hundred.

Daddy doesn't
approve of gambling.

That is, not for money.

Well...

Bless my soul.

It's the twinkle toes of New
Orleans, queen of all she beholds,

who keeps her
most ardent admirer

languishing on the
invisible thread of hope.

You're overdoing it, buster.

One evening, Miss
Bouquet, that's all I ask.

Accept and New Orleans is yours.

I'm sorry, Mr. Samson.

Loreen, please.

I said, you're
overdoing it, buster.

He what I think he is?

Stagestruck.
Hopelessly, I'm afraid.

- Can't say I blame him.
- Oh.

What's it going to be, Loreen?

Oh, please, Wish,
don't start that again.

I can't stay here forever.
I've been here a week already.

I know that.

Then why don't you come with me?

As my wife.

I'm asking you to marry me.

I'm flattered, Wish.

Really, more than
you'll ever know.

Then why don't
you start packing?

I can't.

Loreen, I have over $3,000.

I know that isn't very
much, but it's a start.

A rancher's wife doesn't
have the easiest life,

- but I'll try to make it up to you.
- Please, don't say anything more.

- At least not until you know the truth.
- I know how I feel.

That's truth enough for me.

Wish, listen to me.

Pardon the intrusion. I told
you I had something to say,

and I mean to say it.

You have already had your say.

Now, do you get out of
here under your own power,

or do I put wheels under you?

Not until I have finished.

Now, put that thing away
before you hurt yourself.

Wish, let him talk.

Not until he puts
that cannon away.

What...?

Wish!

Loreen.

Loreen.

George, I heard the
shot. What happened?

Straw...

She's dead.

Oh, it was an accident.

Some drunk came in,
started an argument.

Had a gun. We struggled
over it and it went off.

I didn't see anybody.

He was here.

Here's his gun.

It was an accident.

I know it was an
accident, you know it,

but you think you can get
away with a story like that?

I'm not trying to get
away with anything.

I'll tell them what happened.

George, everybody in town
knows you've been seeing Loreen.

Now you're gonna say you were having
dinner by candlelight in her apartment,

then some mysterious drunk
breaks in and you fight over a gun,

and she was killed by accident?

They won't even
wait for the trial.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

Well, it sure does. Your life matters.
There's no point in both of you...

George, you gotta get out
of town, and keep going.

- There's nothing else you can do.
- I can't leave her. Not like this.

George, you owe it to her to get
out of town. You understand that?

Look, I'll take care of her.

I promise you.

All right. But I want
the best for her.

The best money can buy.

Easy money,

bright lights, beautiful women.

Those were the days.

They could've been.

Yeah, you've got
something there, friend.

I could've been a millionaire,
with the right cards at the right time.

And you could've had the
biggest cattle ranch in all Texas.

That's our trouble. We have to
live with what we could've been.

Aha.

Like I said, George, all
it took was a little faith

and a lot of exercise.

Well, whatever it
took, it's over and done.

New Orleans, those
chains, and you and me.

Now, you've got your horse
and a gun and a head start.

The rest is up to you.

Not just me.

Both of us.

See, I still have
some miles to go,

and I never was able to carry
on a conversation with myself.

Call it, uh, insurance.
Call it life insurance.

It's just my way of seeing that
your friends stay away from me.

They're probably not
my friends anymore.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Always copper your bet, George,

especially when the stakes are
about as high as they can get.

Now, that lawman, the one
who put the chains on me,

he's stone cold.

I didn't mean to
hit him that hard,

but my neck is on the block now.

That means I
don't trust anybody.

Not even you, an old friend.

Where do we go from here?

To the end of the
rainbow, to the pot of gold.

That lawman didn't
catch up to me

until after I'd separated
the bank from its assets.

My partner got away with it,

and they're both waiting for me
now at the Caribou relay station.

So until I get on that eastbound
stage, you stay with me, George.

I insist.

Well, might as well get going.

Cover a lot of
miles before sunup.

Still warm, Mr. Favor.

They can't be too far ahead.
Maybe we'll catch up with them today.

Then what, Mushy?

He got these off, he
got Coleman this far.

Why is he staying with him?

Well, Mr. Wishbone's
got a reason. I'm sure.

I hope so, Mushy.

I surely do hope so.

- Afternoon, gents.
- Ah.

Come far?

Far enough.

Say, might your name be Coleman?

It might.

Friend of yours has been
waiting inside most of the week.

Getting kind of itchy, I'd say.

When's the eastbound due?

Well, give or take a day or
two, I'd say about sundown.

Aha.

Would you mind seeing
to the horses, please?

That'll be six bits apiece.

Well, now, my friend, I think
we can make that an even, uh,

$5?

Look, mister, for this kind of
money, I'll even tuck them in.

Come on. Come on.

Well, inside, George.

Well, there's no point
waiting in the sun.

We've been thirsty
too long as it is.

Well, well, well,
Miss Barleycorn.

Straw.

Just where do you think you've been
all this time leaving me here stranded

in the middle of nowhere?

Two days. You
said two lousy days.

Loreen, you're
forgetting your manners.

Now, look, I found
an old friend of ours.

The only old friend I
wanna see is civilization...

Wish.

It can't be.

No, it can't be.

Heh. No, you're not having
hallucinations, George.

She's real enough.

Please, my friend, touch her.

Or maybe, better yet, give
her a kiss on the cheek,

for old times' sake.

Why, Straw? Why?

Loreen, you shock me. Here I
resurrect the ghost of the man

you've spent all these
years dreaming about,

and I don't even get
so much as a thank-you.

Please, dear, the money?

Yeah, right close to my
heart, the way you taught me.

You didn't have
to bring him here.

Since when do you tell your
dear, devoted husband what to do?

Husband?

That's right, George,
since New Orleans.

Even a little before that.

Then it was all a lie.

A lie?

You call the most masterful
swindle of the century a lie?

My friend, that's like calling
the Grand Canyon a creek bed.

Here I go to all the trouble
of hiring an alcoholic actor

to portray my
interpretation of Iago,

a performance that forces
you into swindling yourself,

and you simply
label it as a lie?

Oh, alas, but true.

Genius knows no recognition.

However, on the other hand, I
must admit it must be rather a shame

to learn the truth. Ahem.

After all these years,

to learn that your deceased
love was only the means

by which you were deprived of
$3,000 must come as quite a shock.

You brought me here for this.

Oh, no, not just for this,
for the look on your face.

The look on both your faces.
It's worth its weight in gold.

Two lovers
reunited at long last,

once more sharing
their tender memories.

Wish, believe me,

I did everything I could
not to let it happen.

I wasn't the woman
for you, but...

Well, I didn't want you hurt.

I only went through with it...

Well, what does it matter now?

Maybe not to you,
dear, but it matters to me.

Then and now.

You see, she was 19

when I found her
in a dance hall.

Nineteen and
dewy-eyed and stupid.

Now, I had to teach her
how to walk, how to dress,

how to do everything
except breathe.

Then we were starting to
clean up when you came along.

Now, after that, she
forgot how to smile at a man

without feeling sorry for him.

And that cost me money.

And a lot of miserable years.

It cost us all that, Straw.

Maybe even more than we know.

Oh, I don't know.

This helps to dull
the pain, of course.

But think of it, George.

Think of the carefree
life you're gonna lead

now that you know
that Loreen is alive.

Now, I'm surprised
you haven't thanked me.

Except for the salt and pepper,
you haven't changed much, Wish.

Neither have you, Loreen.

You could still set
New Orleans on its ear.

All these years,
where have you been?

Did you ever get that ranch?

Pots and pans, Loreen.

He's a bean-slinger
on a cattle drive.

That's all the
ranch he ever found.

I think maybe it's about time you went
back to your rolling cook stove, friend.

You've served your purpose.

Wrong, Straw.

It's the other way around.

For the first time in your
life, you've served a purpose.

Now you've got your money
and you've had your little joke.

Why don't you take both
and go back into the jungle

where all three of you belong?

My, my.

The worm not only
turns but he talks.

Let's see what else he can do.

Straw, it's done. It's over.

There isn't anything
else you can do to us.

Now, do I start counting,

or do I start you off
with a little wiggle?

Aah! Straw, please!

What's going on?

You needn't concern
yourself now, friend.

It's just a little
lesson in gratitude.

Put it away, Coleman. I
played puppet for you once.

I'm not going to do it again.

Why, it's a shame.

Now maybe I guess I
should start you wiggling.

Straw, you ca...

Loreen.

It was an accident.

I didn't mean to hurt...

Horses, women.

I never could pick them right.

That's the story of my life.

Wish?

I watched her die
like this once before.

She was prettier then.

Like a dream right
out of a rainbow.

When I found her again, it was
like a memory come back to life.

A memory and a dream.

Well, I still got that.

At least I got that.

Head them up!

Move them out!