Rawhide (1959–1965): Season 6, Episode 15 - Incident of the Rusty Shotgun - full transcript

Hyah!

One more, that's all it'll take.
Those beasts are hearing footsteps.

Yeah, keep them as tight as you can.
They do go, try and pick out the leader.

All right.

Come on, Wish, squeezing them
cards ain't gonna change the spots none.

Patience, Scarlet, patience. You're
about to watch a master at work.

I hate to break the
silence, oh, mighty master,

but are you gonna open or not?

Uh, yes, my good friend,
Jenkins, I shall open for 5 dollars.

Five dollars? What do you think
this is, a Mississippi river boat?

The master has spoke.



It's that grin,
Jenkins, pure possum.

He's bluffing sure
as mice has got ears.

Five and 5 more
to keep it company.

Joe, I knew you had it in you.
Oh, you're a real plunger. Heh, heh.

Stampede!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hold them! Pull them up!

Me, I think you're both lying,
there's a 10, raise it 10 more.

Stampede! Stampede!

- Let's go!
- Hurry, Mr. Wishbone!

But you can't leave now.

You can't leave now!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah!



Hurry, Mr. Wishbone, get under
the wagon, the herd's heading for us.

You can't leave now.

But you can't leave now.

They're heading
toward camp, turn them!

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Mr. Wishbone.

Mr. Wishbone.

You can't leave now.

- Where's Wishbone?
- Under here, the wagon fell.

Get something to prop that
wagon up with. Come on, snap it up.

- You can't leave now.
- Wishbone, are you all right?

Oh, fine.

You're fine? What are you
doing lollygagging under there?

Get out and get this
mess cleaned up,

you can get fresh
supplies in the morning.

You sure you're all
right, Mr. Wishbone?

I had them, Mushy. I had them right
in the palm of my hand. Cold turkey.

Oh, Mr. Wishbone.

Well,

just start cleaning
it up, Mushy.

Beautiful. All it needs is
some harps and a big fat cloud.

- Beautiful.
- What's beautiful?

Paradise, you idiot. Paradise.
Open your ears and listen.

Paradise?

After ten days and 3,000 head
of walleyed cattle, cloudbursts,

cold cooking and gravel-voice
drovers, you can ask that?

Just look around you, Mushy.

Just a plain, little old town.

Garden of Eden's what it is.

Few rocking chairs and nothing to
do but grow hair and soak up the sun.

Yeah, this is real
paradise to me.

One of these days I'm gonna
grab me a cloud and hang on.

I still say it looks just
like a plain, little, old town.

Oh, Mushy, I thought there
was some hope for you.

I thought someday,
somehow, somewhere,

you'd get appreciation
for the finer things of life.

What, like plain,
little old towns?

Just pull over.

Whoa, now. Whoa.

Shortchange me, will you?

Last man that done that still
trying to catch up with his shadow.

Ma'am, it was
only a little joke!

Don't try to sweet-talk me!

Out!

Now, ma'am, don't
be hasty! Ma'am!

Split!

- Temper, temper.
- Shame, shame.

It looks like baby
sister's got a little trouble.

If you ain't out of
sight time I count ten,

you'll be out of
sight permanent.

Ma'am.

Don't be hasty. I'm going.

- One!
- Think we ought to help?

Not as long as she's
waving that greener.

Ma'am. Ma'am, you
can have the kettle. Free.

Two.

Ma'am, don't shoot, I'm going.

Three!

Sheriff.

You gonna let her
get away with that?

Outlaws, I can shoot.

Lawbreakers, I can jail.

But when it comes to Amie
Claybank, all I can do is watch.

Five, six! MAN: Ma'am!

Ma'am, please.

Lady, put that thing down

before I put some dents in it
where it'll do the most good.

You'll what?

Only thing worse than a loud-talking
woman is a big, loud-talking woman.

Now, give me that thing before
I do something I might regret,

having been raised up proper.

And as for you, the first
thing you learn out here

is that the wages
of sin is buckshot.

Now get, while
the getting is good.

Can't thank you enough, mister.

Thank you. Thank you.

You can have that pan.

Well, that just don't
make much sense.

No, it sure don't.
By now sister Amie

would be using a runt
like that for a toothpick.

Yeah.

Unless...

Why, you don't think that he...?

Can't be nobody else.

Yeah.

Now, you, do you run this store?

Then get back in there behind
the counter where you belong.

Mushy, pull the wagon over here

- and I'll call you when I need you.
- Yes, sir.

I could arrest him, Ms. Amie.

And let him think us Claybanks
ain't been raised proper?

Lady, I haven't got all day.

- I'm coming.
- Sister Amie.

Sister Amie, you don't wanna wait on
a man like that looking the way you do.

Well, a frill or two can't hurt.

Oh, and have a shot
of smell. Never fails.

Run along. We'll take care
of your customer for you.

Mind your manners, hear?

Why, sister Amie,
just like we always do.

Lady!

Sheriff, you better
run along too.

This may take a little more
doing than the law allows.

- But why?
- Shake open them eyes, boy.

It's him, back from the past
we thought we buried years ago.

Yeah, men sister Amie
can handle, but ghosts...

- That's where we come in.
- Yeah.

- Well, did you have a nice rest, boy?
- Sure did.

But don't you tell Mr. Wishbone.

He'll skin me out for sure
for sleeping on the job.

- Where is he?
- Who?

Mr. Wishbone, the little runt.

I mean, the little
gent with the whiskers.

- You been drinking, boy?
- Me?

Myself, I always say a little
mash makes the body perk proper,

but not when you start
seeing little runts with whiskers.

First thing you know,

you're gonna start seeing things
crawling up and down a wall.

But I don't drink.

Oh, sure, son.

Now, why don't you just run
along and get a good night's sleep.

It'll go away.

But I can't leave
without Mr. Wishbone.

Ah. Now, we told you, boy,
there ain't no Mr. Wishbone.

Now, you came riding into town
on that wagon all by yourself.

By myself?

Now, take my advice, son.

Leave old devil Beelzebub
Barleycorn alone.

- It'll lead to your ruination.
- But...

And I wouldn't come
back into town either.

Folks around here don't
take kindly to ghost stories.

But Mr. Wishbone ain't no ghost.

I drove into town here
with him this morning

and I ain't leaving
town without him.

That's a shame.

Had his whole life
in front of him too.

You, uh...

Did you ever see a
man with one of these

sticking in one ear and
poking out the other side?

I'll tell you what.

While we're waiting for
this whiskered ghost of yours

to come floating
down out of the blue,

why don't I just
get her started.

It's for your own good, boy.

It'll help you to
stop seeing things.

Amos here is better
than any old sawbones.

No need. I mean, I ain't
seeing things anymore.

Mr. Wishbone, he never was.

And you did come alone
and you are leaving alone.

Right?

Absolutely.

Have a nice trip.

Hyah!

Hyah! MAN 4: Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Get back there, you hammerheads.

Toothless, keep them in there.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Scarlet, will you forget that rope
of yours? Come on, push them.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, Rowdy, they're
starting to swing out.

Keep them bunched in there, huh?

Get them back.

Where you been?

It's a long story.

Yeah, well, you better
make it a good one.

The boss ain't too happy with cold
dinner topped off by a cold breakfast.

Hey, where's Wish?

I don't know. I mean, I
better talk to Mr. Favor.

Yeah, well, it's your hide.
He's over there somewhere.

Push them in!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

You. Where you been?

We got... I don't know.

Gone since yesterday
and you don't know?

You see, Mr. Wishbone and I...

Listen, what do you wanna try
and drive me out of my mind for?

Now, will you get set up?

Men are gonna need a hot meal
by the time they get the herd across.

But I got to talk to you,
Mr. Favor. It's about Mr. Wishbone.

Oh, don't worry. I'm
gonna see him later too.

Are you gonna get set up or am I
gonna have to give you encouragement?

- But I gotta talk to you.
- Scarlet, get back to drag!

- Tell them to push and keep pushing.
- But I gotta talk to you, Mr. Favor.

Hyah! Whoo!

What, pray tell, is this?

Well, I don't know what Wishbone
calls it, but Mushy calls it stew.

Oh, I see. And what
does Wishbone call it?

Wishbone?

I don't imagine he calls it anything.
He ain't been around here lately.

Hasn't been around?

Two meals missed,
this one best forgot

and our cook has
not been around.

Oh, would somebody
tell me where he is?

Don't know, but Mushy could...
- Mushy!

I tried to tell you,
Mr. Favor. I tried to tell you.

All right, then, let's try it once
again. Now, where is Wishbone?

I lost him.

Hm. You lost him?

Well, he went in
this general store

and I went back to the wagon to
sit down and I guess I dozed some.

And when I woke up
these three men, they said,

"Mr. Wishbone never was."

Said I drove in alone.

They said he was even a ghost.

Wishbone a ghost?

Well, he told me to leave,
told me to forget Mr. Wishbone.

And to forget forever that
Mr. Beelzebub Barleycorn,

whoever he is.

Oh, Mushy.

As if I could ever
forget Mr. Wishbone.

- I'm sorry about the stew.
- That's all right, Mushy.

It's all right, I surrender.

You just forget about it.
Keep working on the stew.

Joe, you take over and hold the
herd here, I should be back soon.

Sooner the better, Mr. Favor. My
stomach ain't got much time left.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Come on, Rowdy, let's go.

All right, Mr. Favor has lost supplies,
and the wagons and all this equipment,

the horses and even the herd.

But Wishbone? Huh.

He's gone.

It's just like the earth
swallowed him up.

He's gone.

And if you think you're
gonna get away with this,

you got yourself another
couple of dozen thinks coming.

Sure does run off at
the mouth, don't he?

Puts me to mind of that old
clock of ours that got busted.

The one we took an ax
to to keep from bonging.

Bonging? You
think this is bonging,

you just wait till I start
unwinding in front of a judge.

You may own this
flytrap you call a town,

but you don't own the laws,
especially the one about kidnapping.

Well, now, since when is holding a
man to his word called kidnapping?

Thirty years, buster,
that's what the book says.

Thirty years of busting rocks

and I have my way, you'll
be doing it with your teeth.

Keeping a man to his what?

When was it, about
seven years ago?

No, more like eight.

We just wanna make
sure you don't try for nine.

Nine or 90, don't make me
any different, you jarhead.

Why, you know very well I
haven't made you any promises.

Not us, friend. It
was sister Amie.

Shame on you.

Even a fuzz-faced old
trail bum should know

that when he speaks for a woman,
it stays spoke till death do they part.

Fuzz-faced trail bum, why,
you untie me and I'll show you...

I spoke for sister Amie?!

Why, you knotheads, how
could I speak for some woman

I never saw before in a
town I never heard of?

Sure can't see what
sister Amie sees in him.

There's only one thing worse

than a yelling bridegroom,
that's a lying, yelling bridegroom.

I'm not lying and I'm not yelling
and I'm not gonna be a bridegroom!

Come 7:00 tonight,
you will be, mister.

Flat out or straight up, your
troth is gonna be plighted

in a nuptial knot that
nobody's gonna bust.

Aloysius, Amos.

Then it's gonna be flat
out and stone cold, buster.

Because I'm not saying any "I
dos" for you nor anybody else.

They look like what
I think they look like?

Sure don't look
like gravediggers.

Isn't anybody gonna
shotgun me into any wedding.

They're taking a walkabout.

Especially with some fool
female I never heard of.

And if you think you're gonna...

He does run off at
the mouth, don't he?

For a town what gobbles up
cooks, this don't look so tough.

They will be when
they digest Wishbone.

- Heh.
- Hey.

If I know him, that's where
we could start looking.

Wrong again. That's
where we'll finish looking.

Mushy said general store.

Uh, afternoon, ma'am.

Oh, don't let us
interrupt anything now.

You're doing me a favor, mister.

There ain't nothing that looks
sillier on a big female than a big hat.

Oh, now, that's all in
the way you look at it.

I think you two were
meant for each other.

Put a stick in his mouth
and he'd be pure lollipop.

He spout that homemade
sugar stuff all the time?

Oh, no, ma'am. Only when
there's something to spout about,

like a fine figure of a woman.
- Heh, heh, heh.

Well, if flattery is the food of fools,
I'm sure living high off the hog today.

Keep it up, mister, I may
throw in a box of sweeties.

What'll it be?

Oh, well, uh, it isn't
an it exactly, it's a him.

See, we're looking
for a friend of ours.

A little fellow, about so-ho,

salt and pepper whiskers,
tail feathers to match.

Sometimes when he's in a good
mood, answers to the name of Wishbone.

Mr. Paul Bunyan
would be more fitting.

Paul Bun... You've seen him?

Only once.

That sure was
enough. What a man.

Well, heh, at least Wishbone ain't
turned in his pots and pans for a shroud.

Exactly where did
you see him, ma'am?

Out front, he came
in on a wagon.

Thought he'd be
around for a spell.

When I got back...

I thought I'd try a bustle and
bow on him, he was gone.

- Where to?
- Didn't say.

Was kind of funny though, him
going off without buying anything.

Of course, my brothers...

My brothers.

You call us, sister Amie?

Now, brother Aloysius,
why would I do that?

What reason would I have
to call my three big brothers?

Same reason you've
always had, sister Amie.

Protection.

Never can tell about a couple
of beady-eyed drifters like these.

It's getting so even baby
sisters ain't safe hereabouts.

That could apply to strangers.

These men are looking for
a man named Mr. Wishbone.

That little gent that
was in here yesterday?

The same.

He come in here
and he didn't come out

according to our figuring, and
that means he'd still be here.

Does add up, don't it?

Sister Amie, you run
along. We'll handle this.

Handle what?

If what I'm beginning
to think is true...

Now, there's a time
for you to be thinking,

and a time for us to
do the thinking for you.

This is one of them times.

They start
anything, I'll finish it.

Remember that.

Now, about this fellow
Wishbone, mister, uh...?

Favor, and Yates. We got a
herd a few miles east of here.

Drovers. Never
can depend on them.

Kind of sneaky.

He's probably in the
next county by now.

Yeah, it's a shame too.

Good men these days are
hard to find, let alone keep.

The arithmetic's still the same.

He came here and he didn't
leave, and we ain't either,

except with him.

Mr. Favor, you'd better
take another look around.

Town this size, a stranger
would have to be all shadow

and twice as light
to get himself lost.

Unless maybe the
dogs would fetch him up.

I'm afraid you're
just barking at ghosts.

- Look here...
- You look, cowboy.

And while you're
looking, listen.

This is Claybank country,

has been since me and my brothers
nailed the first two boards together

about 20 years ago.

Yeah, so?

So when a Claybank says
something here, it stays said.

You boys just made a
mistake. Your friend ain't here.

And neither will you be
in, say, 30 minutes. Plain?

Why don't you just give up on
trying to find this friend of yours.

Because myself,
I'd just write him off.

We'll do that after
we talk to the law.

That is, providing you
brothers have got no objections.

Got no objections, friend,

providing you get your
saying done in 30 minutes.

Yeah, we'll run the whole way.

Think it's gonna work?

It won't stick.

Those two won't bluff.

Simple.

We ain't bluffing.

Disgraceful.

Come in. Come in. The
damage has already been done.

Damage?

I missed his nose by
three inches. Disgraceful.

You always use people's
pictures for targets here?

Not people, the Claybanks.

Aloysius, Abraham and Amos.

- Yeah, we already met.
- I see.

No doubt you'd like to join me?

Didn't come here for games, sheriff.
- Oh.

That's too bad.

Best way in the
world to pass the time.

Yeah, time's one
thing we ain't got.

Thirty minutes. That's
what how much time we got

before the shooting starts.

And the shooting is gonna start,
unless you help us find our friend.

He came into town yesterday.

Uh... About so big, whiskers and
a stubborn streak that don't stop?

That's right. You
know where he is?

Where all ghosts are,
the cemetery of hope.

We ain't got time for riddles.

We want straight answers
and we want them now.

Do either of you know
what a chameleon is?

It's a lizard that changes color,
one for almost every occasion.

That's me, gentlemen.

The only two-legged
reptile north of the Pecos.

The Claybanks say
turn green, I turn green.

They say turn
yellow, I turn yellow.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

You see, I happen
to be a Claybank too.

Oh, only a distant cousin

on the maternal side,
but a cousin, nonetheless.

That badge, sheriff, is that
related to the Claybanks?

Well, just the way everything

and everyone in this
town is related to them.

They say "jump,"
we ask "How high?"

They say "crawl" and we just
belly-down and start wiggling.

Sorry to interrupt
your game, sheriff.

Oh, there's one thing more about my
cousins, gentlemen, they're punctual.

- If they said 30 minutes...
- Yeah, I know, they mean 30 minutes.

Tell you what, fella,

you better get down on
your hands and knees,

because you're gonna have
some crawling to do, right soon.

Aloysius, you must
be out of your mind.

You ought to know you can't
get away with anything like this.

Sister Amie, there ain't nothing in
the world we can't get away with.

- But this is kidnapping.
- Now, that's the same thing...

It's just making a
man stay to his word.

But this ain't the man...

I mean, he's got his rights.

- And it ain't worth killing over.
- Well, it don't have to come to that.

As long as we can get our little
banty rooster to listen to reason.

Unh! Reason.

You untie me, and I'll give you
some reasons, you overgrown fathead.

Mr. Wishbone, you've
got to understand...

All I understand, lady,
is just what you said.

You're not gonna
get away with this.

Why, I got more friends
than you can shake a board at,

and when they come
riding into this town...

Like a trail boss and a ramrod?

They're gonna take you
and this 2-by-4 town of yours

into broomsticks.

- Mr. Favor and Rowdy, they're here?
- You like to take a look?

Ha, ha, ha. That's them, all
right. Now you're gonna get it.

Right where you try
to do your thinking.

Maybe you better look again.

Yonder is Abraham.

That's cousins Luke and Freddie.

Amos over there in back.

Them three are the
Hogan brothers over there.

All crack shots, Mr. Wishbone.

Now, just who did you say
was gonna get what for?

You wouldn't.

Sister Amie, this is more than just
you. The Claybank honor is on the line.

Now, they ain't
got much living left.

And there ain't nothing gonna
stop them rifles from going off.

Except me.

Now, I knew we'd get
to understand each other.

Now, who's it gonna be?

Them or you?

Just one minute, friends.
Sixty seconds of seeing.

So why don't you just tuck in those
shirttails and mouse out of here.

Mr. Yates, I apologize. That
suggestion about the saloon.

Does seem a shame to come
all this way without visiting

the internationally famous,
uh, Abraham's Saloon.

Oh, yeah. Sinful.

No one, two, three, boys.

And no more
conversation. It's up to you.

At this range, this is gonna mess
up this street something awful.

Abraham!

Ain't you got no respect?

For sister Amie's wedding day?

Wedding day?

That little difference with our future
brother-in-law has been all cleared up.

- Ain't that right, brother?
- Yeah.

Me and Ms. Claybank,
we're gonna get married.

Married?

How come you never told
us anything about it, Wish?

Well, I'm sorry
about that, Rowdy,

but you see, I spoke
up for her so long ago

that I guess it clean
slipped my mind.

And then that fat little angel shot
off one of them fat little arrows,

- ain't that right?
- Yeah.

So I won't be coming
back to herd, Mr. Favor.

No sense you hanging around.

That's right, boys, so why
don't you just run along, huh?

Wish, you absolutely sure
this is the way that you want it?

Yeah, this is the way I want it.

Well, what are we standing
around for? Drinks on the house!

I'm sorry, Mr. Wishbone.

What for? It's your
wedding day, isn't it?

Needles and pins
Needles and pins

When a man marries
His trouble begins

Wishbone used to
say that every day,

just like it was out
of the Old Testament.

You know, I could figure this out
with any other man on the drive,

but Wishbone?

Yeah.

He didn't even invite
us to the wedding.

Guess we're gonna have
to invite ourselves, huh?

- You heard what he said.
- Oh, yeah, I heard him.

But he forgot something.

He's gonna need
somebody to stand up for him.

Stand up. Oh, yeah, good idea.

It's open.

Well, bust a bone, if it ain't my
intended's long-nosed friends.

Pull up some chairs and I'll rustle you
up something old and something blue.

Unless you're of a mind to
surround something a little stronger.

All we're interested in right
now is some information.

Afraid I can't help you.

See, this is strictly button
and bow time for me.

Privilege of the bride,
something old and something new,

nerves that won't
stop skittering,

and a lot of giggles,

and maybe even a sniffle or two.

Folks say that's the way it always
is on the happiest day of your life.

Amie.

What's it all about?

Seems to me, old
shoes and wedding bells

sort of speak for theirselves.

Yeah, but the trouble
is in this wedding

it seems like a shotgun
is doing all the talking.

This afternoon, Wishbone
was just a name to you,

tonight you wanna put
a Mrs. in front of it. Why?

Come on. We're gonna
find out one way or the other.

Either you give us the answers
or we'll have to put the squeeze

on those overgrown
cupid brothers of yours.

Old Mother Twitchett
Had but one eye

And a long tail,
which she left fly

And every time she went over a
gap She left a bit of her tail in the trap

It's an old nursery rhyme.

Except for the one eye and the
tail, it could've been written for me.

Old Mother Amie,
witch of Claybank,

caught in her own trap.

I did this to Mr. Wishbone,
not my brothers.

My shotgun's a little rusty,

but it still works and I've
got it aimed right at him.

- But I don't see why...
- Open your eyes and look. Mr. Yates.

It isn't hard to see.

The Lily Langtry of
Diamondback Diggings.

Look at me.

It isn't hard to see that no
man would ever look at me

and want to look again.

At first, my brothers
were just embarrassed,

then I sprouted some
and they got mad.

They said they'd
find me a husband.

I couldn't let that happen,
so I told them a lie.

A fairy story that
was born out of words

and grew into a giant
carrying a 10-foot sword

and two dinosaur
heads under each arm.

I told them I was
already spoke for

by a man who had gone
through here a long time ago.

But they'd know him
the minute they saw him.

And then along
came Wishbone, huh?

I know it sounds
crazy, but they believe it.

I guess because
they want to believe it.

To be proud of the spinster

they've been apologizing
for half a lifetime.

This is solid St. Louis, boys.

Best money could
buy 12 years ago.

That's when my brothers got it.

And that's how long they've
been waiting for this night.

And there ain't nothing that's
gonna make them wait any longer.

Not the truth, nor me, nor you.

Yeah. Certainly does
clear things up a bit,

except for one thing.
What about Wishbone?

Like me,

happiest day of his life.

Either that or the
last day of his life.

Hey, I've got it.

Ugh. No, one dead Wishbone.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is
a festive occasion, not a funeral.

Bartender, let's have
some drinks down here.

Well, whatever it is, the least we
can do is drink a toast to your friend.

Be more charitable to shoot him.

What do you mean by that?

I mean that I'd rather be 6 foot down
in the ground and have a shotgun,

- than force me into a marriage.
- Now, that's enough.

One more word, I'll have
to ask you to step outside.

You?

One more word.

Burr.

You tell me why on earth
you're willing to stand up

and fight for the very men that
got you down on your knees?

I'm not referring
to the Claybanks.

Oh, you mean, Ms. Amie?

You show me a woman
who can fill her footprints,

I'll show you a woman
with feathered wings,

and a golden halo
and a solid brass harp.

Well, if you feel this way about
her, why haven't you put your "Mrs."

in front of her "Claybank"?

Because in her brothers' eyes,

I come from the bad
side of their family.

The side that got educated, rich
and flat broke in one generation.

Because I take orders
better than I give them.

Because I'm half-man
and half-coward.

Does it really matter
what those brothers think?

No, but in my case it's true.

Well...

Well, well. My, oh, my.

Rowdy, I think the
sheriff's got a point.

Maybe we should have, uh,
a drink or maybe even two.

Well, you see, I
have had four...

Oh. Oh, yeah. That's a good
idea. Yeah, I think maybe three.

Who knows? We might find
all sorts of things to talk about.

Well, drink up, sheriff.

Barkeep.

Drink up.

Will you stop breathing
on top of my head?

You know, it's just
like the circular said:

nice suit of clothes make
anything look good, even a rooster.

Any more smart mouth out of
you, and wedding or no wedding

I'm gonna put my foot down
your gullet right up to the kneecap.

Now, is that any way to talk to
your future relative-in-laws, huh?

It's curtain time, lover.

And we can't keep
the preacher waiting.

Oh, uh, just one thing.

Your friends decided to
sit in, so don't try anything,

or there will be a
funeral after the wedding.

Ah... Oh, no.

Well,

we're gathered here
today in this good company

to join together this here
man, and this here woman

in the bonds of holy wedlock.

Like the Good Book
says, "To have and to hold,

from this day forward,
for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish

until death do you part.

If that don't say
it, nothing will.

Now, if there's anybody here present
got anything to say against this union,

you better say it
right now, or forget it.

Okay, Burr, now is the time.

Oh, uh... Excuse me,
Your Honor, I, uh...

Well, speak up, sheriff.

Well, there's something I...

Crawl back in the bottle, cousin.
You're holding up the ceremony.

I'm sorry.

Back down now, you'll spend

the rest of your life trying
to peep up over your knees.

Favor, you have been warned.

The preacher asked for
objections, not me, preacher.

Sheriff, tell her what
you told us, now.

What is it, Aaron?

What makes the world
go around, Ms. Amie?

The same thing that's all in
fire, and yet is ever freezing.

What is ever sick,
and yet is never dying.

That which is anything,
and yet is nothing.

That does it. Knew there was a reason
I was getting tired looking at your face.

- Come on. Unh!
- No!

Let him talk!

Sorry. It's taken me ten
years to get to this part

and I'm not stopping now.
Not for you, not for nobody.

Ten years, Ms. Amie. Ten years
I've been your brothers' doormat,

an ostrich with my pride in a
hole and my head in a cloud

waiting for something called
hope to make a dream come true.

Well, it took Mr. Favor and
Mr. Yates here to make me see

that hope can't be enough.

Not for a dream big enough
to turn a man into a mat.

I don't understand, Aaron.

Oh, uh... It's not all this ceremony
I'm objecting to, Ms. Amie,

it's the people in it.

Before you say, "I do," I just
want you to know one thing.

I just want you to...

Last chance, Aaron. Last chance.

I just want you to know I'd be
proud to be standing by your side.

Oh, Aaron.

I... Well, you never said.

That's just it, Ms.
Amie, I never said.

I never had the courage.

Oh, Aaron.

Ms. Amie, of course, we know how
deep your feelings is for Mr. Wishbone

- being the man he is.
- Mr. Favor.

But the sheriff here, you know,

I do think that he does
deserve some consideration.

Don't you agree?

Oh, well, no doubt
about it. No, sir.

Like I always say, it's never too
late, especially for consideration.

I know how you must feel
about this, Mr. Wishbone,

you know, and the
way you feel, I just...

Well, I just want you to
know I'd be perfectly happy

to give you satisfaction.
You just name the weapons.

Yeah, after all, Wish, it is...
The lady's hand's at stake.

Not anymore, it isn't.

Mr. Wishbone, I
know you'll understand.

Well, I have known Aaron longer.

Well, then that settles it.

I release you from your troth.

Looks like the best man won.

Well, let's get a
fresh start, preacher.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey, Wish, ain't you gonna
drink to the bride's health?

I'll do that in Denver.

Gather here tonight
in this good company

to join together this
here man to this here...

Shove me again, you
overgrown buzzard,

and you're gonna
pull back a stump.

- Me, shoving? Why, you...
- Oh, stop your yelling.

- Who's yelling?
- You are.

And it ruins my digestion.

Yeah, isn't it grand?

Ain't what grand?

Paradise, you idiot. Just listen.
There's nothing like a cattle drive.

But you said... I thought that you
thought living in town was a paradise.

Mushy, when are you ever gonna
learn to never listen to anything I say?

Now, just pick up that
stuff and move along.

Now, get this line going
here and quit crowding,

or you're gonna be
eating stewed cowboy.

Now, take some bread.

And I said quit crowding

or you're gonna be eating
rocks for the next month.

Head them up!

Move them out!

Hyah! Hyah!