Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 6 - A Man of Substance - full transcript

Maybe you should stick to milk.

Yes, I'm so sorry.
It went down the wrong way.

I know how that feels.

How can I help you?

Got a light?

Yes, of course.

That's a very nasty habit
you've got there.

I know. I've got a lot of nasty habits.

Lauren Dee.

Jeff Randall, How do you do?

Now, Mr Randall.



I need your help.

I can see right up her dress.

Really? -Really? -Really.

I want you to find my husband.

You know the best
looking ones are married.

So he's run off has he?

Do I look like the sort of woman a man
would run out on Mr Randall?

No. So what? He's just disappeared has he?

I don't know Mr Randall.

I'm not the detective here.

His name is John Dee.

10 days ago he was on a business trip

looking for locations for a new factory.

He makes -- cheese.



Cheese?! -He's made
a lot of money in cheese, Mr Randall.

So it's made him a big cheese then?

Way to go Jeff.

What type of cheese?

Hard cheese mostly.

Cheese so strong, it burns
your mouth right out of your face.

Find him for me, Mr Randall.

I miss him terribly.
The bed's too big. Too cold.

She been to the police I suppose?

People disappear all the time Jeannie.
It's not a crime, you know.

Ah, here it is Preston Stortney.
That's where he called her from last.

He was looking for some caves?

Yeah, something about a special fungus.

Special?

Yeah, unique. It's used to make
a particular type of blue cheese.

And where are these famous caves?

The actual caves themselves - get off.

The actual caves themselves are
in a little village called Hadell Wroxted,

but it's not actually
on any of these maps.

Oh, it's like that down that way.
Very cut off.

Cut off?
-Severed!

Nice.

I went camping there there
when I was little.

God, it was awful.
-Awful?

Hideous.

There was this family that been camping
there and they'd just gone missing,

Missing?
-Jeff. I'm being serious.

It's really scary.
-All right.

I don't think they were ever found.

I used to lie awake in my tent
at night, absolutely petrified.

Alright, well I'll take
me teddy bear then Jeannie.

And these maps.

And the crisps.

I don't imagine I'll be away
more than a couple of days.

Here, take the phone. Though you
probably won't be able to get a signal.

Well, I'll try,
as soon as I get there anyway.

Have you got your wallet?
-Yep - and maps?

I think I've got everything.

Look after yourself.

Hello.

It was a wrong number.

I'll see you, Jeannie.

This car's a disgrace you know.
You told me you were gonna look after it.

You're a slob. And you drive too fast.

I'm not driving fast.

You're doing 60 miles an hour.

It's 25 miles an hour Marty.

I want to get there
before it gets too dark.

How long anyway,
we've been driving for days.

We've been driving for one day, Marty.

It's a bit confusing actually.
I thought Hadell Wroxted

was on this road but
there's no signpost to help.

Oh, I know what you're saying, Jeff.

I understand completely.
So what you're saying is "we're lost".

We are not lost Marty.
I just don't know where we are.

Fantastic detective you are.
You're brilliant.

This is you Jeff.
Oh, where's that village?

Oh, was that it we just passed there?

or was that New York?

And stop eating them crisps.

I'm not stopping eating these crisps.

They're such a good batch.

You know? You open the pack, sometimes
you just know you've got a fresh one.

They taste delicious.

Thanks very much Marty.

What's the matter with you?

Seeing that Lauren woman like that.
Just brought it all back to me.

All the things I can't have.

I can't touch, can't feel.

I can never again kiss a woman's lips.

Yeah, but you'll never
have to taste cigarettes on her breath.

Here look. There's someone up ahead.
We'll ask them, see if they know the way.

Excuse me mate.
-Hello there.

Do you know the way
to Hadell Wroxted please?

I do. Yes, I do.

Hadell Wroxted, I'm going there myself.

I'll tell you what.
Pop in and I'll give you a lift.

Wait a minute. How do I know you're not

one of them crazy serial killers?
-You don't.

Well, tell you what,
just give me directions if you want.

No no, no, it's alright,
but you can't be too careful.

I suppose not.

I don't mean to be impolite mate

but it wouldn't half help if there were
some road signs for Hadell.

Oh everybody around here
knows where Hadell is.

Just keep on straight,
and keep going on straight,

and then straight again,

and keep going straight
till we get to the junction.

Then straight over, keep going straight,

until we get to the crossroads.

And straight over?
-No, no.

Keep on straight.

Keep going straight.

He's got very hairy ears Jeff.

Straight over.

Welcome to Hadell Wroxted, home of
the world famous Hadell Wroxted caves.

Somehow Jeff,
I don't think we'll be needing guns.

Good morning Mrs. Glauneck.

Good morning Constable Burns.

What a lovely day.

Lovely.

Are you keeping busy? - Ah, well, you
know what they says. Crime never sleeps.

Thank you kindly. Much appreciated.
And thank you for not killing me.

My pleasure mate, thank you.

Come on Marty, let's try in here.

Hello there. Lovely day.
Two Cream Teas is it?

No, just the one thank you.

Oh, righty, ho.

Bloody 'ell, Jeff. I don't know
if I can stand the excitement.

Hello there. -Lovely day.
-Yes, it's -- lovely.

Lovely day. -Lovely.

Jeannie said I wouldn't get a signal.
-There you are.

If you want a refill, just shout.

These are some lovely homemade
biscuits I thought you might like.

You could do with fattening up a bit.

Yes, thanks very much.

You staying in Hadell?
There's some lovely rooms at the pub.

Actually I'm looking for someone.

He may have been
in the village a couple of weeks ago.

His name's --

Can I interest you
in a souvenir tea towel?

His name's --

It's the Monument. Put up to commemorate

escaping the Black Death
in the Middle Ages.

Do you know we were the only village
round here not to be touched by it.

Have you seen this man?

Then there's this one

with a picture of Preston Stortney
being ravaged by the plague.

See, these are
suppurating boils or buboes.

How are the preparations
coming along for the spring festival?

Oh, very well indeed. Will you be taking
part in the carnival parade as usual?

Oh yes, I wouldn't
miss it for the world, Mrs Glauneck.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hello, what's this then?

Can I help you?

Yeah, what's the name of this place?

We got a bit lost on the
Preston Stortney road.

You don't appear to be on the map.

We often get missed off the map, Sir.

Hadell Wroxted.

Hadell Wroxted. Is there a McDonald's?
Only we're starving.

No, we don't have McDonalds
I'm afraid, Sir.

But we do have some very nice tea rooms.

No, don't know
what you're getting in those places.

Mind how you go.

The pub's straight down
the end of the High Street.

Thanks.
-You're welcome.

We might as well try the pub I suppose?

Oh yeah,
I could really do with a drink Jeff.

Yet another of life's little pleasures
denied to me for all eternity.

No Marty, to see if they've got any rooms.

Bingo!
-Look out.

Afternoon.
-Good afternoon.

What can I do you for? -I was wondering
if you had any rooms available.

Well you're in luck.
We do have a few rooms free.

Would that be twins or doubles?

A double please.
-Two doubles.

One double.

One double it is then. Ah, Mr. & Mrs.
Prevost, good afternoon, lovely day.

Good afternoon, Mr Bechard.
Lovely Day. - Lovely.

Right, I'll just go
get my bag out of the car then.

Thank you. I'll be back in a minute.

There you go. Tea making facilities there.
Like a paper in the morning gents?

Yes, Independent would be nice, thanks.

I've got the Mail or the Telegraph.

Telegraph.

Well, if you want anything,
you know where to find me.

Have you ever been
to Hadell Wroxted before?

No, it's my first time.

You must visit the caves
and the village museum

and the old wool
market is very interesting.

Great. We didn't think
there'd be much to do around here.

Marty?
-Who needs new York?

Who needs Paris -Marty?
-when you've got swinging Hadell Wroxted?

Lovely day!

Sorry.

You'll never guess what I've just seen.

Marty shush. Listen, Marty.
He spoke to you.

Upstairs, you'll never guess.

Marty. Will you listen to me.
He spoke to you.

So? -So I'm the only one
who's meant to be able to see you.

But he spoke to you.

That's a good point he did, didn't he?

And the woman in the tearooms.

Yeah, what's going on Marty?

I don't know.
Wyvern did say I'd occasionally

meet other people who could see me.
People with the sight.

Yeah, but two people in one village?
-Well, maybe it's built on Ley lines.

Maybe it's got Little Magic Springs
and Little Magic Goblins.

Marty, will you be serious please.

I don't flaming know do I?

Can we not just concentrate
on the job before I die of boredom?

Right listen. You pop off and ask your
Mr Wyvern if he knows what's going on.

Alright.
-I'll telephone Jeannie.

No you can't call out I'm afraid.

If you want to call long distance
there's a phone down the post office.

I said there's a phone down
in the post office, isn't there Seth?

Yes.

Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, go on then.
I'll have a pint of bitter please.

Now, you'll be wanting to eat, I expect.

No, it's alright, thanks.

You must eat. There's nothing to you.

Well, maybe later. Look,
you might be able to help me actually.

I'm looking for someone.

This is one of
the oldest Inns in England, you know?

Dates back to the 14th century.

Really?
-Named after one of my ancestors.

He might actually
have stayed here a couple of weeks ago.

Lord Bechard. Colorful character.
He and the local pastor were supposed

to have signed a pact with the devil,

to escape the ravages of the Black Death.

Right.

I love those old stories. Don't you?

Yes, yeah, they're great.

Excuse me.

I think you dropped this.

Did I?

You did.

I didn't see a bin.

There's one just there.

Pop it in for us then will you squire?

You pop it in

You've got your foot on it.

This is a very tidy village.
A very clean village.

We'd like to keep it that way.

We don't like
people like you coming here and --

littering.

That was a bit uncalled for.

... is switched off.
Please leave your message after the tone.

Hi Jeff, it's Jeannie.

You said you'd call when
you'd got there so I just

wanted to check that
everything was all right.

You don't have to call back or anything.
It's not a big deal. I'm not worried.

I'm sure everything's fine.

God, I'm sorry.
I really hate these answering machines.

OK. Bye then.

What is it?
-I'd like to come in please.

Yeah hi. I'd like to come in please.

You can't come in.
-What do you mean I can't come in?

You're not welcome now.

You haven't seen? --

Yes.

Lovely day. - Lovely.

Closed.
-How did you get on?

I don't know what's happening here Jeff.
-What do you mean?

I can't seem to get out of this place.

Marty just calm down.
What's been going on?

I can't get back upstairs.
I'm stuck in Hadell-flaming-Wroxted.

But you -- Lauren?
-What? -Lauren?

Lauren.

Lauren.

Lauren.

Lauren, it's Jeff.

Lauren, wait.

That was Lauren, wasn't it?

I don't know. I didn't really see.
Where'd she go anyway?

I thought she went in here Marty,
but it's locked.

You wouldn't go in there
and have a look would you?

Yeah.
-Go on.

Try again.

I can't get in.

Maybe it's 'cause it's a church?

Good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon vicar I was just --

I'm afraid the church
is closed for renovations.

A team of experts
is restoring some of our original

12th century wall paintings
and they cannot be disturbed.

Jeff!

Get rid of the comedy vicar.
I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry if I'm intruding in some way,
but this is the House of God.

No, not at all vicar. You're
just the person that I wanted,

that we wanted, to see, actually.

We were wondering,
is the village built on Ley lines?

Are there any mystical sites
around here? Standing stones?

Ancient Indian burial grounds?

I am a simple old-fashioned
Church of England vicar.

I'm afraid I hold no truck
with all that New Age mumbo jumbo,

corn circles, Ley lines,

fairies at the bottom of the garden.

Splendid. Keep those arms up
delicately, delicately.

You're wood nymphs not road builders.

Now throw the flowers,

Strew them girls, bring them up.

Oh, hello vicar. Girls, take a breather.

That's looking splendid Mrs G.
It's going to be a real showstopper.

They are so inelegant.

Young people these days aren't taught
proper posture or deportment.

I think they'd
rather be gyrating down at the disco

than playing wood nymphs.
-Oh they do the village service, Mrs. G.

I think they're absolutely enchanting.

Hello there, I'm Mrs Glauneck.

Treasurer of the Village Society.
And you are?

Jeff Randall.

And your friend?

Marty Hopkirk.

Good firm grip. I like that in a man.

Now girls, come along.
It's festival tomorrow.

Alright. What's going on?
What are we doing in here?

You committed
a very serious crime Mr. Banks.

What?

Littering? Not a very
serious crime where we come from.

I don't imagine it is.

But here,

things are different.

Yeah, but we're entitled
to a telephone call.

No, you're not.
You're not entitled to anything.

You've broken the law.

You're a transgressor and as such,

you shall be punished.

Yeah, alright.
Fair cop an' all that. We got the point.

I don't think you understand
the gravity of your situation.

Look,

we're sorry.

We will pay the fine.

Yes, you will pay the fine.

Right, how much is it?

As much as you can give. The penalty --

...is death.

Well that seems a little harsh!

You know what? It doesn't make sense.
A lovely place like this with the inn

and the caves and all the local legends,
but no one seems to have heard of it.

I mean, it's not even on any of the maps.

Marty, are you listening to me?

Marty? - What? -It's not even on any
of the maps. It just doesn't make sense.

Look Marty,
I'm gonna go to Preston Stortney.

Make some phone calls. Are you coming?

No I feel like I feel like I'm all limp
and weak. I feel like I should stay here.

Well, maybe
you'll join me later then yeah?

Yeah right yeah.

See ya.

Evening Marty. What's your poison?
-Pint of lager please Dickie.

No lager here, I'm afraid.

Too many chemicals Marty.

Only good old fashioned
English beer served here.

Fine, OK.

Now, how are you getting along?

Must be exciting being
a private detective.

Oh, I've solved some particularly
tricky cases in my time, Dickie.

The Regent St poisoner.
The murder on the Orient Express.

Well, it's an honor to have you here.

There you go.

I'll have another
one of them please. Thank you.

This can't be right!

Would you like another one?

I'm licensed to kill you know?

Really?
-Yes. I have a double O prefix.

And have you ever killed anyone?

Only once, Dickie.

A Russian spy. Dimitri -- Smirnoff.
-Really?

He had an atom bomb and he
was going to blow up Buckingham Palace.

But, Dickie, it was a very small bomb.

Tiny little bomb.

Could have fitted
in a pack of cigarettes. -Really?

That is small.

I say, that's a small bomb, eh Seth?

Yes.

This is getting ridiculous.

There's got to be
a signpost round here - What!

Get out of town.

What?! I'm trying to
get out of town mate, believe me.

Listen to me. Get back in your car
and do exactly as I say.

Don't deviate from the path I tell you,

and don't look back.
Don't ever look back.

Round here. Watch the stairs now, Marty.

The thing is Dickie, I actually am dead.
-You're dead drunk.

Let's get on now and put you to bed.

No, I really am a ghost.

Whoo..
-That's very good Marty.

Whoo..

Have you dealt with the other one?

Oh yes, he won't be any trouble.

Come on.
Oh, no, not now, no. Please. Please.

Oh, where the hell am I?

Now in you go. Gently does it.

There.
- No, no. I am, I really am a ghost.

I've got supernatural powers.

I can walk through walls.

I can make things levitate
like a poltergeist. I can --

Got a light?

Got anything else up your sleeve?

What are you doing here?

That's for me to know,

and you to find out.

Sorry, does my smoking bother you?

No, no. I'm a man of the world.
-Which world? -Hmm?

I know who you are, Mr Hopkirk.

What you are.

Or rather, what you aren't.

And what aren't I?

I was getting bored of talking.

Me too, blah blah blah.
All we ever seem to do is talk --

Don't tell me you haven't been thinking
about it? Dreaming about it, ever since--

I enjoyed talking to you.

Show me what you're made of, Mr. Hopkirk.

Two can play at that game.

Goodnight Mrs. Harris,
and thanks for supper.

That's alright.
Are you sure you had enough?

Yes, plenty.
-You need to keep your strength up.

You're all skin and bones, you are.

Oh I'm all right. I'm just very tired.

I'll call you at half seven.
Then I'll run you over to the garage.

Thank you very much.

Oh, and I'll
make you a nice big breakfast.

Oh please don't go to any trouble.

It's no trouble.

No trouble at all.
-Right.

Well, goodnight now.
-Goodnight.

What a surprise.

I never knew I had it in me any more.

Well, I certainly knew I had it in me.

So you're going to tell me
what's going on now, then?

I have a confession to make Mr Hopkirk.

Don't tell me, you're not really a woman.

I lured you here under false pretenses.

I try my best.

I needed you here Mr Hopkirk.

We've been looking for somebody
like you for a very, very long time.

You want someone strong,
handsome, intelligent, sexy.

No, darling.

Somebody dead.

So you made it all up then did you?
About your husband leaving?

There never was a John Dee was there?

Oh, there was a John Dee. A businessman.

Poking about.
Interested in exploiting the caves.

But these caves are very special
to the people of Hadell Wroxted,

and he wasn't made very welcome.

And what happened to him?

Well, in many ways
he brightened up the place a little bit.

Still, we didn't let him go.

It's nice to see his face now and again.

Mrs Harris?

Mrs Harris? - Hello.

Mrs Harris?

Lovely day. -Lovely.

Morning Mr Randall.
I trust you slept alright.

Yes, I think I think so, yeah.

Oh, forgive the fancy dress

only it's the Spring Festival today,

and we're all supposed to muck in.

-Right.
Mr. Hopkirk's already up and about.

He asked me to take you to him.

Marty, Marty.

I'm not supposed
to interfere in your earthly affairs,

but you are sailing
into dangerous waters.

Hello.

Excuse me my dear,
I wonder if you could help me?

There's 20 miles of these caves
down here...

20 miles?!

You know this is absolutely fascinating.

I really feel like
I'm stepping back in time.

Are you sure Marty came down here?

Oh yes, he's here.

Hello Jeff.

Marty. I see you've really thrown
yourself into the village festival.

Really Mr Randall. I would have thought
that by now even you would have realised

this is no ordinary fete.

Yes, I did have my suspicions actually.

600 years ago, Lord Bechard
led the people of Hadell Wroxted

into these caves to hide
from the Black Death.

And they prayed,
not to the God who'd deserted them,

but to another. To the dark Lord himself.

And when they emerged from this place

they discovered their village
no longer existed in your world,

but floated between worlds.

Between living and dead.

And we are still here
Mr. Randall, waiting in limbo.

Waiting for this moment.

Just think darling, after today,

you'll finally be able to grow,
after all these years.

I don't know if I want
to be a woman Granny.

Oh my flower.

Too long we've been
trapped between worlds.

So many times we looked
for one like him, trapped like us.

You mean a ghost?

A ghost. This time.
This time, he'll succeed.

So it's your basic
world domination package then is it?

When Mister Hopkirk joins us, the powers

that we'll have over you are untold.

And what's in it
for Old King Cole over there?

We will make Marty -- a man of substance.

What? He'll get his body back?
He'll live again?

He'll be a god.

He'll live for all eternity,

and all the pleasures
of the world will be open to him.

That's the part I like.

And what contribution
do I make to all this?

An offering has to be made.

You are Mr Hopkirk's chosen one.
His link to the mortal world and as such

he cannot obtain Dominion
until you are transubstantiated.

Yeah, right

In layman's terms?

We're going to kill you and eat you.

Hang about, you never told me about this.

Granny, can I have his liver?

Nothing's too good for my little darling.

You look ridiculous.

Surprisingly comfortable.
Fresh air. Stops you from sticking.

The thing is, Jeff, my dad always told
me I'd never amount to anything

and now I've got a chance
to rule the world.

I get back everything I lost.

All the pleasures of the flesh.

And what about me, eh?

So that you can parade around as
the King of the immortals, I have to die.

That's typical of you innit.
You only think about yourself, don't you?

Alright forget about me.
What about Jeannie?

Where does she fit into
your little scheme eh?

All the pleasures of the flesh.

I hadn't really thought about that.
-No, you hadn't thought about that.

You haven't thought
about any of this Marty.

If I had to choose
someone to rule the world,

you'd be right at the bottom
of the list, after Daffy Duck.

Guards! Take him away.

OK, so, what plans do you lot have
for when we take over then?

Tea rooms. -I beg your pardon? -We're
going to build huge, beautiful tearooms

with china cups, and silver service and
millions and millions of homemade buns.

And lovely flowers.
-Yes, and tea towels.

More tea towels
than you could ever dream of.

I'm gonna ban lager and all that
other foul modern puke they call beer.

It'll be ale. Good strong ale. Real ale.

And we shall keep the streets clean.

No more littering. No more spitting.
No more graffiti or chewing gum.

And we shall see the offending
entrails torn out and fed to the dogs.

He's a bit on the short side.

Not a lot of meat to go round.

I reckon nose is the best bit. I say
I reckon nose is the best bit, Seth?

Yes.

Kill all the deviants and weirdos.

Just think, we could have
country dancing all day.

And communal singing all night.

Jam making classes.

Right, listen.
I don't suppose Lauren's around

to discuss the pleasures
of the flesh is she?

Oh Marty, I thought you knew.
-What?

You don't really prefer
me like this do you?

Just think, there's so much
that we could do together Marty.

Oh Lord Hopkirk,
trapped between life and death.

For six long centuries we have waited.

Waited for the time when we could
emerge into the eternal light.

Take this flame now and light our way.

March forward and cleanse this earth.
Make the way pure for our Dominion.

Come.

Marty.

Marty.

Jeannie?
-Marty? - Jeannie?

Do it!
Burn him.

Marty. -Marty.

Don't listen to their murmuring.
Seize your destiny.

Do it, burn him.

Oh, forget it.

You can all go to Hell!

What have you done?
You could have had everything.

What sense is there?
It's just not enough.

I'm sorry, it's just wrong.
We belong dead.

He cannot end Dominion.

We will take you with us to damnation.

Marty -- No.

Marty, what's happening? You're dead.

Yes Jeannie, I'm sorry,
this is all my fault.

Marty?
-I'd have made a terrible tyrant.

Jeannie.
-Jeff.

Jeannie?! What are you doing here?
I don't know Jeff, you tell me.

It's a long story.
-Come on let's get out of here.

Jeannie?

What's happening?

I don't know Jeff.

I was coming to see you and --

And I was, I was,
looking for some, for someone, some --

It will all be
just a dream to them, Marty.

It'll all be just a dream.

But they cannot remember. They must not.

Come on Marty. Let's go home.