Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 4 - Paranoia - full transcript
Ex-government employee and whistle blower Douglas Milton plans to reveal matters of international security at a forthcoming world conference. He has had a dream in which he foresees his own death and so he hires Jeff and Jeannie as his security. In the event there are several groups out to kill him but they end up killing each other instead. Meanwhile Marty perfects a means of literally raising the wind.
A lot of you here, in this room
will find it very hard to believe
what I'm going to say here today.
And a lot of people
do not want me to say it
Because I'm going to shatter the cherished
illusion of cosy little England.
I'm going to demolish
the pillars of society.
And blow apart some
of the highest institutions
in the land and
expose the rotten core
of the system.
Now we've all heard of the
conspiracy theory freaks
who would have us believe that President
Kennedy was assassinated by aliens.
Or whatever.
But the fact of the matter is
that I have uncovered
a far reaching conspiracy,
involving the British government,
organized crime,
and extreme political
groups around Europe.
I'm due to publish
the full details shortly.
But when I tell you that
I fear I may be prevented from doing so,
that I fear,
for my own life,
then you will understand why I wish to
make these details available to you all,
here, now, before it is too late.
The British...
What's going on?! Are you alright?
It's my dream.
I'm at the conference, giving my speech,
and there's this
assassin that nobody can see --
You're just being paranoid Douglas.
Come on. You're tied up in knots
with this damn conference thing.
Nobody wants to kill you.
Go back to sleep.
Killing this
instrument of liberal state oppression
will really put us on the map.
It will be our first major
blow towards building a cleaner,
safer society. A Christian society,
a society in which people
have the right to carry arms,
in which they have the right,
to be right.
We ten here today..
Nine actually, Justin.
Dryden couldn't make it.
Well, that's just
bloody typical, isn't it?
You've read the file Swift,
so you'll know why
Douglas Milton
can't be allowed to make this speech,
but we must also get hold of the book.
He carries it with him at all times.
He guards it with his life.
Is that clear Swift?
Very clear Mr Bulstrode.
You want me to go to
the library, so to speak,
and remove a book.
And then you want me to go
to the Library of souls, so to speak,
and to remove a soul, so to speak.
Something like that.
Yes, thank you, so to speak.
Well, that went very well Mr Lacey.
Very well Mr Bulstrode.
You know he's going to
abandon me, don't you?
And go back to his stupid wife.
No, I don't be mean
about him. I love him still.
And I will kiss him and kiss him
and kiss him. And then I will --
cut him all --
to pieces.
I love his work, don't you?
You know he killed his wife?
I know how he must have felt.
This book of your husband's,
is it all he makes it out to be?
He won't let anyone read it. Not even me.
But the publishers are fighting
over it. He stands to make a fortune.
That's nice for you.
Yes, the last thing
I want is the money to go
to that smutty mistress of his.
I think it will be
very much neater this way.
Well, yes.
Dead authors do sell rather well.
Exactly. Author of conspiracy theory
book dies in mysterious circumstances.
Book goes through the roof.
Wife gets all the profits.
Yes.
That would be very much neater.
First sign of madness
talking to yourself, like me.
I mean, I couldn't do it.
I could do this though Marty,
which is incredibly similar,
and probably slightly more entertaining.
Alright, alright.
Lift that filing cabinet up then.
Well, I can't Marty,
it's too heavy, isn't it?
Right, watch this then.
That's fantastic Marty.
That really is something.
Mr Milton's here, Jeff.
Thank you Jeannie.
Come in Mr Milton
-Thank you.
Do have a seat.
-Did you see that?
Yeah, you didn't lift
the filing cabinet though, did you?
I'm sorry?
I'm just saying Mr. Milton, I must
move that filing cabinet over there,
one day.
-Right.
So I've been reading
all about you in the papers.
Then you'll know that
I'm not a very popular man.
Yes, well, no.
I mean not in certain circles, anyway.
I understand you're making
a speech at the Paranoia Conference.
Yeah, I, I'm supposed
to be. But I'm scared
that certain people
might try to stop me.
Yes, I can understand that.
I wanted to hire you
to look after me and --
There's funny smell in here.
-Yes. Stop that.
It wasn't me.
No, no it was me.
Well, it wasn't me,
it's, it's this room.
It smells like something's dying.
Yes, I think you're probably right.
Look, there'll be security
at this conference. Why do you need me?
There will be very heavy security,
but I can't trust anyone.
Ah, and how do you know
that you can trust me?
No, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Douglas, please come
back. I was only joking.
Let's just talk about this, yeah?
I was only joking.
I'm not finding things
very funny at the moment.
Come on inside.
Welcome welcome to ...
I'm Richard Shelley, head of security.
Hello. This is Judith
my wife and Jeff Randall,
my secretary.
Hello there,
and this is Jeannie Hurst who's,
who's my secretary.
Miss Hurst.
-I, I don't have a secretary.
There's a light buffet
lunch later on
and this afternoon you're free
to use the hotel facilities.
There's golf and tennis, a gym, archery,
and tonight there's a big party,
so we can get to know each other.
And tomorrow the speeches begin.
Please feel free to discuss any aspect
of security with me at any time.
But basically Mr. Milton,
you're in very safe hands.
Can I take that for --?
-No! I'll keep --
That's lovely, so to speak.
Darling, I'm just gonna
have a look around,
I'll see you up in
the room later, OK?
Yeah.
You mustn't fight it.
There is nothing to fear.
Your earthly tale is told,
and your heavenly one begins.
You must reach closure
before you can find peace.
Go towards the light.
Your worldly affairs are settled.
Now is your time
to ascend to the realm of dreams.
Yes. Yes.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
Now, let yourself go.
Ah, Marty, Marty, come along in.
I've just sent a restless spirit on her
way. A troubled soul has found peace.
I find it terribly moving when one
of my charges steps into the light
and is reborn.
Never mind that.
Watch this.
Desist. You must take things
more seriously, Mr Hopkirk.
Being dead is no laughing matter.
Let's get down to your lessons.
Let's work on your powers of levitation.
Alright then.
Oh, Marty, Marty. I know all this seems
boring, but I can teach you great things.
Great wonders.
How rare the secrets you would know.
The secret places you could go.
The secret paths both high and low.
The secret spells that you can sow.
And I these secrets can bestow.
They shall be given unto "yo..".
Concentrate your mind, Marty,
and there is nothing you cannot do.
Nothing.
My dream.
This place.
It's exactly like my dreams.
It's all going to come true.
They're going to kill me.
Douglas, you're perfectly safe here.
The security's excellent, and
you've got me as a last line of defense.
Yes, OK.
Good point.
You look after the book.
No, please.
No, Douglas, that's yours,
that's your life's work.
OK, I'll take it.
I'll take it, Jeannie.
And remember, you must
keep it with you at all times.
Never, ever,
let it out of your sight.
So remember. Flame, stand, light, throw.
Flame, stand, light, throw.
This day will go down in history.
We four will be remembered.
Are you alright Browning?
I think I should be alright.
This book's extraordinary Jeannie.
Just look how small the writing is.
He's mad you know.
Old folk will never be able to read it.
Mind you, we'll have
to find somewhere to hide it.
You know,
somewhere completely safe.
I know.
-Yeah?
We'll put it somewhere
where no one will ever look.
Right?
This will not deter us.
It's gonna spur us on.
The battle has just commenced.
We three shall be remembered.
So, what other delights
can we look forward to
tomorrow at this
godforsaken conference?
Oh, the usual roster of mediocrity.
Drugs, crime, drive by shootings
and lone crazy gunmen.
How all this was
planned a long time ago
by an elite group
of super rich banking
families who aim to control humanity
through a one world government.
Oh look Global 2000.
How the United States government
is going to recall all money
and replace it with an identity chip
which will be injected into the forehead,
eventually leaking lithium into
the body, causing great pain and boils.
As predicted in the Book of Revelations.
Apparently, yes.
Ah, here's a good one.
The population disaster.
How almost every
child you see in print has
the word kill embedded
across the forehead.
This lecture clearly
demonstrates how we're
being conditioned to
equate death with children,
and shows how the birth
rate has gone from 3.9
children per female in
the 50s to 1.2 in the 90s.
We are living in insane times, Mr Lacey.
Thank God Mr Bulstrode. Distracts
the proles from what we're really up to.
Which brings us to our friend Milton.
Such a shame.
Isn't it?
Not my game golf, not really.
Sorry about that. I had to get out.
Get some fresh air.
I felt claustrophobic in there.
I felt like everyone was watching me.
So what happens if there's a power cut?
If the computers detect even
the tiniest fluctuation in current,
a secondary system kicks in
with its own power supply.
I don't mean to sound arrogant
Miss Hurst. May I call you Jeannie?
But our organization has provided
security for many major events
and we haven't lost anyone yet.
I wish I could say
the same for our organization.
You see, I er --
I used to work for the government.
That's where I found out,
certain things.
But my conscience wouldn't let me stay.
So after I left, I began to compile this
secret information.
Fore!
You're using the wrong club.
I'd better go and get my ball, Douglas.
Glad to see you're hard at work.
Yes, I'm being a bodyguard for Milton.
A bodyguard? You?
-Yeah.
You see, you weren't ready.
You've got to be prepared at all times.
You see I could have had poisoned soles.
You think Kevin Costner
would have left Whitney Houston all alone
whilst he went off
to look for his golf ball?
Can't believe he's
put his life in your hands.
It's not just me.
Jeannie's here as well. There's two of us.
Jeannie?
She's checking out security
arrangements with this American fella.
Very good looking bloke
in charge of security.
That's lovely. All alone.
Sitting duck.
A birdie, so to speak.
A hole in one.
A lame duck.
Bloody 'ell.
Where'd 'e come from?
Damn.
Shall we just start again, Douglas?
Yeah.
Good idea.
Well, that didn't
go very well, did it, Mr Lacey?
Not really, no Mr Bulstrode.
Are you sure
our man Swift's up the job.
He is just a common criminal after all.
Well, we do have a contingency.
A nip?
You know, I sometimes
think the phrase
organized crime
is a contradiction in terms.
Coming through.
Are you staying for
the whole conference, Jeannie?
Well, that's up to Mr. Milton
really, but I guess we'll
probably want to leave straight
after his speech tomorrow.
That's a shame.
I suppose I'll see you
tonight at the party though.
Milton's my priority
so I'll have to stay close to him.
So will I. -So we'll be
close to each other all night.
Close enough for a drink?
Cocktails for two it is then.
Oh my God, what is that smell?
Maybe it's a gas attack.
Cocktails for two!
Any luck with the archery?
Missed, I'm afraid.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Don't forget, we have to secure the book.
I get nothing without it. There's quite
a few people would like it to disappear.
I'm not one of them.
Don't worry.
-That little man Randall has it.
I'll get it tonight at the party.
Wyvern?
Mr. Wyvern?
Dear, dear Marty.
Sorry that I was unable to be here.
But this is a valuable lesson.
Sooner or later, we are all alone.
And it is then that we realize
what a cold place the universe is.
But hang on to your memories
of what it was like to be alive
and don't begrudge the living
what they still have and you have lost.
Only fools will try to change the past.
Retell the tale from first to last.
The future is approaching fast. The
present is a time we must not "warste".
Warste?
Warste?
Warste? Waste!
That bloke's after Jeannie, you know.
What bloke?
Old smarmy pants. Bloody
security guard chatting her up and that.
What Shelley?
-Yeah Mr Perfect teeth.
Hey Jeannie, wanna come
and join me for root beer and grits.
Look Marty, you're going
to have to accept you know,
that she'll meet someone else.
She'll fall in love again as well.
You can't hang onto
her forever you know Marty.
She needs to move on.
You got to allow her to be happy again.
I suppose you're right.
She needs to live her own life.
You know it will be hard.
Yes, I know. I just told you,
I heard you the first time.
Just don't keep going on about it.
Come on, let's go join this party, yeah?
I suppose there's
one good thing about seeing him.
And what's that?
-At least it's not you!
Oh Marty, you know
how to hurt a guy, don't you?
Well, we'd been together
for about five years and we finally said,
OK, what the hell,
let's get married. And then --
It was strange at first,
like losing a leg.
I'd forget how to take
a step and then I'd stumble.
Listen, I don't mean to sound corny,
but I know exactly how you feel.
I lost someone too, you see.
-Oh, there you are.
Enjoying the party then?
Mr Randall, I don't mean to seem rude,
but I'm discussing a rather
delicate matter with your secretary.
Secretary? Oh right.
Jeannie. Right, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to
let her live with her own life, Jeff.
I know it's painful,
but you've got to accept it sooner
or later, she's gonna meet someone and,
fall in love.
Can we just leave it.
You jumped the gun, a little bit,
this afternoon, didn't you Mr Swift?
And you can't get rid of him
before you get the book.
I see. You want the Golden egg,
and the Golden Goose, so to speak?
If you like Swift.
Consider his goose cooked.
And his book, so to speak.
Yes, spare us the allusions Swift.
They don't quite work.
You're not an educated man.
Just get the book and kill him.
Hello there.
-Hello.
Jeff Randall. How do you do?
Don't you just love conferences?
Well, it's not really my --
Imagine all the bad behavior
which is going to go on here tonight.
It's not real life, is it?
You can do whatever you like here,
and no one will ever know.
I mean, don't you find hotels so sexy?
Hmm. No, I, I don't know really.
I would have brought my boyfriend
if he was more adventurous.
How about you?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, that's a good start.
How about -- a girlfriend?
No, no strings.
What about ...?
I beg your pardon.
I could show you them if you like.
-I bet you could.
Can't you just relax.
Why don't you have a glass of champagne?
Don't be so ridiculous.
It's probably poisoned.
Oh, for God's sake.
But these things happen.
...with any luck!
Maybe I wasn't quick enough.
Or maybe I just didn't have the guts.
But she did what we were trained to do,
threw herself in front of the ambassador
and took the bullet I should have taken.
There isn't a day that goes by
I don't think about her. -I'm sorry.
Anyway, since then
I haven't really found anybody else.
Left the Bureau, set up
my own agency and threw myself into work.
But you know how these things go.
You suddenly meet someone,
someone who understands.
Maybe we should continue
this somewhere more private.
Well, there's a minibar in my bedroom.
What's number.
What? The minibar, the model number?
No, room number, yes, 2096.
Bye.
There's gotta be
some breath freshener here.
Just coming.
Hallo.
Orange blossom.
Can I get you anything to drink Magda?
I've got spirits. I've got wine.
I've got soft drinks.
Something hard, I think. -OK?
OK.
Aren't you neglecting your duties, Jeff?
Can't you leave me alone for five minutes?
I thought you were pleased to see me.
I am Magda, I am, it's just
I need 5 minutes to go to the bathroom.
Sorry.
So, this is your idea
of being a bodyguard is it?
Look Marty, Jeannie's
with Milton,
Shelley's with Jeannie and
you're with Shelley.
There's more security people
down there than vol au vents.
You're taking a very
cavalier attitude to all this.
Look, if anything happens Marty,
you can just come up here and get me.
But please, please only
if it's a real life or death situation.
You know bombs, guns, fire,
meteorite, something like that.
Look if it's just someone tripping
over a carpet or spilling their drink,
don't bother. Alright?
What about chapped lips?
Look, Marty, I'm begging you.
-What?
Look, nothing's gonna happen.
Milton's perfectly safe.
Sorry mate, can't let
you through without a pass I'm afraid.
And she would go into his room
and he'd be very, very happy to see her.
And he will smile
and say nice things about her.
And she will cut
great holes in all his clothes.
And then she will cut great holes in him.
For she loves him dearly.
It's all down to me now.
But one man can change the world.
I don't know why
you won't take me seriously.
These are genuine concerns.
I might be personally
violated at any moment.
I can't trust anyone.
Oh? Not even your little secretary?
-Jeff Randall?
No. The one you
personally violated. Anabell!
Oh for God's sake Judith.
You know that's over.
Why do you have to keep bringing it up?
Because it turns my stomach.
I'm going up to the room.
Haha, you didn't expect that, did you?
No!
Not really.
So to speak.
No, not on your back. Not on your back.
Oh --
Hi, sorry about that.
That's OK, so where were we?
Well, I was over there and you were --
No, that's not quite right. You see, you
were on the bed and I was going to get --
I'm sorry about this,
but I'm afraid you are
just another innocent victim
in the eternal war of this race.
And you --
Hmm, what do we have here?
Yeah, oh, that's,
it's nothing that's --
just a picture of my secretary.
It's very hot in here isn't it?
I feel quite dizzy.
All the blood seems to
have rushed to my head.
Yes, I know I shouldn't
really be killing people.
I did love Douglas.
I will be remembered.
I'll just open the window.
And I'm not as young
as I was, and it's not
as if men just fall
out of the sky, is it?
Hello, what's this?
It's just a manuscript.
Alright, well I don't
think you'll be needing that.
Not with what I'm going
to do to you tonight.
No, I really need to look after that --
I really should be doing the rounds.
I know. Listen thanks. I've really --
You know. It's been -- Talking like this.
I've been -- I mean --
Talking about-- You know friends and
death, and just being able to, you know
I mean, I don't usually do that.
Just being able to --
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
thanks for letting me articulate all this.
I've been there myself, Jeannie.
You can talk to me anytime.
Maybe when this conference is over and
we both have a little more space we could
meet up.
When do you get off tonight?
Whoa there!
-Whoa there yourself.
I only want to talk some more.
I wasn't about to give you
my room number or anything.
2100.
I'm head of security.
I have to know who's in every room.
I know that you and Jeff
are on either side of Milton.
Jesus! Milton?
Where is he?
Where's Douglas?
-He left. He went upstairs I think.
If you look down here,
I'll check his room.
Douglas?
Douglas.
Hi.
I just wanted to be alone for a bit.
Come on, you stick with me.
Let's get back to the party.
Comfortable?
I'll be right back.
I'll take that, I think.
You,
come with me.
You see, I'm not cut out for this kind
of pressure. I'd like a quiet life.
I think I should
give it all up.
Forget about the book and
just get on with my life.
But this is your life.
You've uncovered something important
and you have to tell the world about it.
As long as I'm around,
nothing's gonna stop you.
Douglas Milton?
-Yes.
OK fellas, let's see your laminates.
Laminates?
-Laminates?
Your passes, security clearance.
-Clearance? -Clearance?
Come along guys. This way.
This way.
I think they wanted to kill me.
Hey fellas, you forgot your bomb.
It's a bomb. It's a bomb.
Jeannie, it's a bomb.
Jeff? Where's Jeff?
Magda?
Magda?
Magda, I'm getting a bit cold now, love.
Magda?
Jeff. Oh dear me.
Three Arab terrorists have
planted a bomb downstairs
and they're going to hold
the whole place hostage.
A bomb? Go and tell everyone Marty.
I can't, can I? I'm a flaming ghost!
Then you've got to warn them Marty.
How? Nobody else can see me. -You've
gotta clear that room somehow, Marty.
Douglas?
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie?
-Milton? -Yes -Mr Milton?
You'd better come this way, I'll explain.
Douglas? Douglas? Douglas?
There's been an incident. It's alright,
you're not in any immediate danger,
but I'd feel happier
if you're in your room under guard.
Now wait a minute.
I'm not in immediate danger.
What are you saying?
I'll be in danger? When?
In an hour? In a day? I don't like any
kind of danger, no matter how far off.
Oh no.
You know what I think has happened?
She was waiting in here to kill you.
Only she didn't reckon with me.
Unfortunately,
I'll never forgive myself,
but I was just too late.
Damn.
That's a tough break.
She shot you.
But thank God,
I got her.
And this.
Which, being the
dutiful citizen that I am,
I intend to hand over
to your government.
Unless of course I can get
a better price for it elsewhere.
You know, in some ways this is a relief.
Mr. Milton? Douglas?
Jeannie?
-I can't find Douglas anywhere.
It's OK, he's safe. He's in here.
Oh, good.
-Why don't you come in?
Oh, please, don't go in Jeannie.
He's only after one thing.
I think I better go and find Jeff.
I haven't seen him for ages.
It's OK, he's in here too.
No he's not.
Bloody Hell!
Jeannie, don't go in there.
Jeff?
Jesus.
I'm sorry Jeannie.
I didn't want you to be involved.
My God, what a bloodbath.
Jeannie's next door with Shelley.
Look Marty, you are gonna
have to let her go.
No you dozy asinine fool. He's an
assassin. He's gonna kill Milton and her!
Well get back in there and do something.
Levitate something at them Marty.
Right. OK.
Like what?
I don't know, but something big.
This big?
-That'll do, yeah, -Right.
You bastard. You only came on to me
so that you could get close to Milton.
The irony is
I am actually attracted to you.
I think you're a wonderful person.
Ah, Jeannie, I don't wanna have to --
I really don't wanna have to hurt you.
Now. Now, I'm gonna hurt you!
Put that down.
OK. Let's start again.
Something big. Something really big.
Believe me, I know
it sounds like a cliche,
but I am sorry it
had to end like this.
I suppose you made
up that story about your
wife dying so that
I'd feel sorry for you?
No. She really did die
protecting the ambassador.
Alright, I changed a couple of details.
Like I was the assassin
and I don't really miss her,
but otherwise it was
a perfectly true story.
Concentrate your mind, Marty.
And there is nothing you cannot do.
Well, I must be going.
Say bye bye.
Jeff?
-Jeannie? Hi.
Is anyone any good with knots?
Thanks for that.
Though you have a rather unorthodox style,
but you saved my life.
No worries Douglas. It's my job.
I still don't understand how you managed
to get that bed through the wall.
Hmm. It's a very
complicated move. It's called
a contrived muscular
spasm. I do a lot of yoga.
Yoga?
Right.
OK.
Yeah, you know,
maybe Milton was right to be so paranoid.
It seems like half the world
was up here tonight trying to get to him.
Yeah, not to mention the bomb downstairs.
-The bomb! The bomb!
Don't open it!
This medal of peace
is awarded to Douglas
Milton for his tireless
struggle against --
For his tireless
struggle against oppression,
and his fight for freedom.
Freedom of opinion, freedom of speech
and the right to be heard.
So, did you?
-Did I what?
You know, the Yank, did you --
Did you?
Could have --
So, did you?
-No.
We thank you.
Did you want to?
Mr. Douglas Milton.
Did you?
No.
A lot of you here
in this room
will find it very hard to believe
what I'm going to say here today.
And as events have proved,
a lot of people do not want me to say it.
You alright, Judith?
Yes, yes, I'm fine
-but I have - I just
never expected Douglas to
actually deliver his message.
It was a close run thing,
but I guess it's all over now.
Once Douglas makes his revelations then --
There would be no point in anyone
trying to bump him off anymore. -No.
So I guess he's really
going to be in the news.
It'll sell millions.
-Yes, I suppose it will.
I suppose you can count yourself lucky.
Yes, I suppose I am.
...before it is too late.
These
are the main details.
The British government
have known for some time now
that a criminal organization
known as the Mafia
or Cosa Nostra
is in control of large parts of Sicily
and is involved with the drugs trade
and other illegal activities in America.
Furthermore, I have details
of government ministers,
particularly in the last administration,
who took money from people
in exchange for
asking questions in Parliament.
I have evidence
that some members of parliament
might
possibly be homosexual.
Extreme right wing
and nationalist groups
are on the increase
both in Europe and in America
and the American president
has possibly had an affair with someone.
Actually, within the White House itself.
And --
This seems to be
going rather well Mr Lacey.
Yes, Mr Bulstrode.
A fuss over nothing.
Small shame that a lot of people
got killed for no reason at all.
Well,
that's politics for you.
will find it very hard to believe
what I'm going to say here today.
And a lot of people
do not want me to say it
Because I'm going to shatter the cherished
illusion of cosy little England.
I'm going to demolish
the pillars of society.
And blow apart some
of the highest institutions
in the land and
expose the rotten core
of the system.
Now we've all heard of the
conspiracy theory freaks
who would have us believe that President
Kennedy was assassinated by aliens.
Or whatever.
But the fact of the matter is
that I have uncovered
a far reaching conspiracy,
involving the British government,
organized crime,
and extreme political
groups around Europe.
I'm due to publish
the full details shortly.
But when I tell you that
I fear I may be prevented from doing so,
that I fear,
for my own life,
then you will understand why I wish to
make these details available to you all,
here, now, before it is too late.
The British...
What's going on?! Are you alright?
It's my dream.
I'm at the conference, giving my speech,
and there's this
assassin that nobody can see --
You're just being paranoid Douglas.
Come on. You're tied up in knots
with this damn conference thing.
Nobody wants to kill you.
Go back to sleep.
Killing this
instrument of liberal state oppression
will really put us on the map.
It will be our first major
blow towards building a cleaner,
safer society. A Christian society,
a society in which people
have the right to carry arms,
in which they have the right,
to be right.
We ten here today..
Nine actually, Justin.
Dryden couldn't make it.
Well, that's just
bloody typical, isn't it?
You've read the file Swift,
so you'll know why
Douglas Milton
can't be allowed to make this speech,
but we must also get hold of the book.
He carries it with him at all times.
He guards it with his life.
Is that clear Swift?
Very clear Mr Bulstrode.
You want me to go to
the library, so to speak,
and remove a book.
And then you want me to go
to the Library of souls, so to speak,
and to remove a soul, so to speak.
Something like that.
Yes, thank you, so to speak.
Well, that went very well Mr Lacey.
Very well Mr Bulstrode.
You know he's going to
abandon me, don't you?
And go back to his stupid wife.
No, I don't be mean
about him. I love him still.
And I will kiss him and kiss him
and kiss him. And then I will --
cut him all --
to pieces.
I love his work, don't you?
You know he killed his wife?
I know how he must have felt.
This book of your husband's,
is it all he makes it out to be?
He won't let anyone read it. Not even me.
But the publishers are fighting
over it. He stands to make a fortune.
That's nice for you.
Yes, the last thing
I want is the money to go
to that smutty mistress of his.
I think it will be
very much neater this way.
Well, yes.
Dead authors do sell rather well.
Exactly. Author of conspiracy theory
book dies in mysterious circumstances.
Book goes through the roof.
Wife gets all the profits.
Yes.
That would be very much neater.
First sign of madness
talking to yourself, like me.
I mean, I couldn't do it.
I could do this though Marty,
which is incredibly similar,
and probably slightly more entertaining.
Alright, alright.
Lift that filing cabinet up then.
Well, I can't Marty,
it's too heavy, isn't it?
Right, watch this then.
That's fantastic Marty.
That really is something.
Mr Milton's here, Jeff.
Thank you Jeannie.
Come in Mr Milton
-Thank you.
Do have a seat.
-Did you see that?
Yeah, you didn't lift
the filing cabinet though, did you?
I'm sorry?
I'm just saying Mr. Milton, I must
move that filing cabinet over there,
one day.
-Right.
So I've been reading
all about you in the papers.
Then you'll know that
I'm not a very popular man.
Yes, well, no.
I mean not in certain circles, anyway.
I understand you're making
a speech at the Paranoia Conference.
Yeah, I, I'm supposed
to be. But I'm scared
that certain people
might try to stop me.
Yes, I can understand that.
I wanted to hire you
to look after me and --
There's funny smell in here.
-Yes. Stop that.
It wasn't me.
No, no it was me.
Well, it wasn't me,
it's, it's this room.
It smells like something's dying.
Yes, I think you're probably right.
Look, there'll be security
at this conference. Why do you need me?
There will be very heavy security,
but I can't trust anyone.
Ah, and how do you know
that you can trust me?
No, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Douglas, please come
back. I was only joking.
Let's just talk about this, yeah?
I was only joking.
I'm not finding things
very funny at the moment.
Come on inside.
Welcome welcome to ...
I'm Richard Shelley, head of security.
Hello. This is Judith
my wife and Jeff Randall,
my secretary.
Hello there,
and this is Jeannie Hurst who's,
who's my secretary.
Miss Hurst.
-I, I don't have a secretary.
There's a light buffet
lunch later on
and this afternoon you're free
to use the hotel facilities.
There's golf and tennis, a gym, archery,
and tonight there's a big party,
so we can get to know each other.
And tomorrow the speeches begin.
Please feel free to discuss any aspect
of security with me at any time.
But basically Mr. Milton,
you're in very safe hands.
Can I take that for --?
-No! I'll keep --
That's lovely, so to speak.
Darling, I'm just gonna
have a look around,
I'll see you up in
the room later, OK?
Yeah.
You mustn't fight it.
There is nothing to fear.
Your earthly tale is told,
and your heavenly one begins.
You must reach closure
before you can find peace.
Go towards the light.
Your worldly affairs are settled.
Now is your time
to ascend to the realm of dreams.
Yes. Yes.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
Now, let yourself go.
Ah, Marty, Marty, come along in.
I've just sent a restless spirit on her
way. A troubled soul has found peace.
I find it terribly moving when one
of my charges steps into the light
and is reborn.
Never mind that.
Watch this.
Desist. You must take things
more seriously, Mr Hopkirk.
Being dead is no laughing matter.
Let's get down to your lessons.
Let's work on your powers of levitation.
Alright then.
Oh, Marty, Marty. I know all this seems
boring, but I can teach you great things.
Great wonders.
How rare the secrets you would know.
The secret places you could go.
The secret paths both high and low.
The secret spells that you can sow.
And I these secrets can bestow.
They shall be given unto "yo..".
Concentrate your mind, Marty,
and there is nothing you cannot do.
Nothing.
My dream.
This place.
It's exactly like my dreams.
It's all going to come true.
They're going to kill me.
Douglas, you're perfectly safe here.
The security's excellent, and
you've got me as a last line of defense.
Yes, OK.
Good point.
You look after the book.
No, please.
No, Douglas, that's yours,
that's your life's work.
OK, I'll take it.
I'll take it, Jeannie.
And remember, you must
keep it with you at all times.
Never, ever,
let it out of your sight.
So remember. Flame, stand, light, throw.
Flame, stand, light, throw.
This day will go down in history.
We four will be remembered.
Are you alright Browning?
I think I should be alright.
This book's extraordinary Jeannie.
Just look how small the writing is.
He's mad you know.
Old folk will never be able to read it.
Mind you, we'll have
to find somewhere to hide it.
You know,
somewhere completely safe.
I know.
-Yeah?
We'll put it somewhere
where no one will ever look.
Right?
This will not deter us.
It's gonna spur us on.
The battle has just commenced.
We three shall be remembered.
So, what other delights
can we look forward to
tomorrow at this
godforsaken conference?
Oh, the usual roster of mediocrity.
Drugs, crime, drive by shootings
and lone crazy gunmen.
How all this was
planned a long time ago
by an elite group
of super rich banking
families who aim to control humanity
through a one world government.
Oh look Global 2000.
How the United States government
is going to recall all money
and replace it with an identity chip
which will be injected into the forehead,
eventually leaking lithium into
the body, causing great pain and boils.
As predicted in the Book of Revelations.
Apparently, yes.
Ah, here's a good one.
The population disaster.
How almost every
child you see in print has
the word kill embedded
across the forehead.
This lecture clearly
demonstrates how we're
being conditioned to
equate death with children,
and shows how the birth
rate has gone from 3.9
children per female in
the 50s to 1.2 in the 90s.
We are living in insane times, Mr Lacey.
Thank God Mr Bulstrode. Distracts
the proles from what we're really up to.
Which brings us to our friend Milton.
Such a shame.
Isn't it?
Not my game golf, not really.
Sorry about that. I had to get out.
Get some fresh air.
I felt claustrophobic in there.
I felt like everyone was watching me.
So what happens if there's a power cut?
If the computers detect even
the tiniest fluctuation in current,
a secondary system kicks in
with its own power supply.
I don't mean to sound arrogant
Miss Hurst. May I call you Jeannie?
But our organization has provided
security for many major events
and we haven't lost anyone yet.
I wish I could say
the same for our organization.
You see, I er --
I used to work for the government.
That's where I found out,
certain things.
But my conscience wouldn't let me stay.
So after I left, I began to compile this
secret information.
Fore!
You're using the wrong club.
I'd better go and get my ball, Douglas.
Glad to see you're hard at work.
Yes, I'm being a bodyguard for Milton.
A bodyguard? You?
-Yeah.
You see, you weren't ready.
You've got to be prepared at all times.
You see I could have had poisoned soles.
You think Kevin Costner
would have left Whitney Houston all alone
whilst he went off
to look for his golf ball?
Can't believe he's
put his life in your hands.
It's not just me.
Jeannie's here as well. There's two of us.
Jeannie?
She's checking out security
arrangements with this American fella.
Very good looking bloke
in charge of security.
That's lovely. All alone.
Sitting duck.
A birdie, so to speak.
A hole in one.
A lame duck.
Bloody 'ell.
Where'd 'e come from?
Damn.
Shall we just start again, Douglas?
Yeah.
Good idea.
Well, that didn't
go very well, did it, Mr Lacey?
Not really, no Mr Bulstrode.
Are you sure
our man Swift's up the job.
He is just a common criminal after all.
Well, we do have a contingency.
A nip?
You know, I sometimes
think the phrase
organized crime
is a contradiction in terms.
Coming through.
Are you staying for
the whole conference, Jeannie?
Well, that's up to Mr. Milton
really, but I guess we'll
probably want to leave straight
after his speech tomorrow.
That's a shame.
I suppose I'll see you
tonight at the party though.
Milton's my priority
so I'll have to stay close to him.
So will I. -So we'll be
close to each other all night.
Close enough for a drink?
Cocktails for two it is then.
Oh my God, what is that smell?
Maybe it's a gas attack.
Cocktails for two!
Any luck with the archery?
Missed, I'm afraid.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Don't forget, we have to secure the book.
I get nothing without it. There's quite
a few people would like it to disappear.
I'm not one of them.
Don't worry.
-That little man Randall has it.
I'll get it tonight at the party.
Wyvern?
Mr. Wyvern?
Dear, dear Marty.
Sorry that I was unable to be here.
But this is a valuable lesson.
Sooner or later, we are all alone.
And it is then that we realize
what a cold place the universe is.
But hang on to your memories
of what it was like to be alive
and don't begrudge the living
what they still have and you have lost.
Only fools will try to change the past.
Retell the tale from first to last.
The future is approaching fast. The
present is a time we must not "warste".
Warste?
Warste?
Warste? Waste!
That bloke's after Jeannie, you know.
What bloke?
Old smarmy pants. Bloody
security guard chatting her up and that.
What Shelley?
-Yeah Mr Perfect teeth.
Hey Jeannie, wanna come
and join me for root beer and grits.
Look Marty, you're going
to have to accept you know,
that she'll meet someone else.
She'll fall in love again as well.
You can't hang onto
her forever you know Marty.
She needs to move on.
You got to allow her to be happy again.
I suppose you're right.
She needs to live her own life.
You know it will be hard.
Yes, I know. I just told you,
I heard you the first time.
Just don't keep going on about it.
Come on, let's go join this party, yeah?
I suppose there's
one good thing about seeing him.
And what's that?
-At least it's not you!
Oh Marty, you know
how to hurt a guy, don't you?
Well, we'd been together
for about five years and we finally said,
OK, what the hell,
let's get married. And then --
It was strange at first,
like losing a leg.
I'd forget how to take
a step and then I'd stumble.
Listen, I don't mean to sound corny,
but I know exactly how you feel.
I lost someone too, you see.
-Oh, there you are.
Enjoying the party then?
Mr Randall, I don't mean to seem rude,
but I'm discussing a rather
delicate matter with your secretary.
Secretary? Oh right.
Jeannie. Right, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to
let her live with her own life, Jeff.
I know it's painful,
but you've got to accept it sooner
or later, she's gonna meet someone and,
fall in love.
Can we just leave it.
You jumped the gun, a little bit,
this afternoon, didn't you Mr Swift?
And you can't get rid of him
before you get the book.
I see. You want the Golden egg,
and the Golden Goose, so to speak?
If you like Swift.
Consider his goose cooked.
And his book, so to speak.
Yes, spare us the allusions Swift.
They don't quite work.
You're not an educated man.
Just get the book and kill him.
Hello there.
-Hello.
Jeff Randall. How do you do?
Don't you just love conferences?
Well, it's not really my --
Imagine all the bad behavior
which is going to go on here tonight.
It's not real life, is it?
You can do whatever you like here,
and no one will ever know.
I mean, don't you find hotels so sexy?
Hmm. No, I, I don't know really.
I would have brought my boyfriend
if he was more adventurous.
How about you?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, that's a good start.
How about -- a girlfriend?
No, no strings.
What about ...?
I beg your pardon.
I could show you them if you like.
-I bet you could.
Can't you just relax.
Why don't you have a glass of champagne?
Don't be so ridiculous.
It's probably poisoned.
Oh, for God's sake.
But these things happen.
...with any luck!
Maybe I wasn't quick enough.
Or maybe I just didn't have the guts.
But she did what we were trained to do,
threw herself in front of the ambassador
and took the bullet I should have taken.
There isn't a day that goes by
I don't think about her. -I'm sorry.
Anyway, since then
I haven't really found anybody else.
Left the Bureau, set up
my own agency and threw myself into work.
But you know how these things go.
You suddenly meet someone,
someone who understands.
Maybe we should continue
this somewhere more private.
Well, there's a minibar in my bedroom.
What's number.
What? The minibar, the model number?
No, room number, yes, 2096.
Bye.
There's gotta be
some breath freshener here.
Just coming.
Hallo.
Orange blossom.
Can I get you anything to drink Magda?
I've got spirits. I've got wine.
I've got soft drinks.
Something hard, I think. -OK?
OK.
Aren't you neglecting your duties, Jeff?
Can't you leave me alone for five minutes?
I thought you were pleased to see me.
I am Magda, I am, it's just
I need 5 minutes to go to the bathroom.
Sorry.
So, this is your idea
of being a bodyguard is it?
Look Marty, Jeannie's
with Milton,
Shelley's with Jeannie and
you're with Shelley.
There's more security people
down there than vol au vents.
You're taking a very
cavalier attitude to all this.
Look, if anything happens Marty,
you can just come up here and get me.
But please, please only
if it's a real life or death situation.
You know bombs, guns, fire,
meteorite, something like that.
Look if it's just someone tripping
over a carpet or spilling their drink,
don't bother. Alright?
What about chapped lips?
Look, Marty, I'm begging you.
-What?
Look, nothing's gonna happen.
Milton's perfectly safe.
Sorry mate, can't let
you through without a pass I'm afraid.
And she would go into his room
and he'd be very, very happy to see her.
And he will smile
and say nice things about her.
And she will cut
great holes in all his clothes.
And then she will cut great holes in him.
For she loves him dearly.
It's all down to me now.
But one man can change the world.
I don't know why
you won't take me seriously.
These are genuine concerns.
I might be personally
violated at any moment.
I can't trust anyone.
Oh? Not even your little secretary?
-Jeff Randall?
No. The one you
personally violated. Anabell!
Oh for God's sake Judith.
You know that's over.
Why do you have to keep bringing it up?
Because it turns my stomach.
I'm going up to the room.
Haha, you didn't expect that, did you?
No!
Not really.
So to speak.
No, not on your back. Not on your back.
Oh --
Hi, sorry about that.
That's OK, so where were we?
Well, I was over there and you were --
No, that's not quite right. You see, you
were on the bed and I was going to get --
I'm sorry about this,
but I'm afraid you are
just another innocent victim
in the eternal war of this race.
And you --
Hmm, what do we have here?
Yeah, oh, that's,
it's nothing that's --
just a picture of my secretary.
It's very hot in here isn't it?
I feel quite dizzy.
All the blood seems to
have rushed to my head.
Yes, I know I shouldn't
really be killing people.
I did love Douglas.
I will be remembered.
I'll just open the window.
And I'm not as young
as I was, and it's not
as if men just fall
out of the sky, is it?
Hello, what's this?
It's just a manuscript.
Alright, well I don't
think you'll be needing that.
Not with what I'm going
to do to you tonight.
No, I really need to look after that --
I really should be doing the rounds.
I know. Listen thanks. I've really --
You know. It's been -- Talking like this.
I've been -- I mean --
Talking about-- You know friends and
death, and just being able to, you know
I mean, I don't usually do that.
Just being able to --
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
thanks for letting me articulate all this.
I've been there myself, Jeannie.
You can talk to me anytime.
Maybe when this conference is over and
we both have a little more space we could
meet up.
When do you get off tonight?
Whoa there!
-Whoa there yourself.
I only want to talk some more.
I wasn't about to give you
my room number or anything.
2100.
I'm head of security.
I have to know who's in every room.
I know that you and Jeff
are on either side of Milton.
Jesus! Milton?
Where is he?
Where's Douglas?
-He left. He went upstairs I think.
If you look down here,
I'll check his room.
Douglas?
Douglas.
Hi.
I just wanted to be alone for a bit.
Come on, you stick with me.
Let's get back to the party.
Comfortable?
I'll be right back.
I'll take that, I think.
You,
come with me.
You see, I'm not cut out for this kind
of pressure. I'd like a quiet life.
I think I should
give it all up.
Forget about the book and
just get on with my life.
But this is your life.
You've uncovered something important
and you have to tell the world about it.
As long as I'm around,
nothing's gonna stop you.
Douglas Milton?
-Yes.
OK fellas, let's see your laminates.
Laminates?
-Laminates?
Your passes, security clearance.
-Clearance? -Clearance?
Come along guys. This way.
This way.
I think they wanted to kill me.
Hey fellas, you forgot your bomb.
It's a bomb. It's a bomb.
Jeannie, it's a bomb.
Jeff? Where's Jeff?
Magda?
Magda?
Magda, I'm getting a bit cold now, love.
Magda?
Jeff. Oh dear me.
Three Arab terrorists have
planted a bomb downstairs
and they're going to hold
the whole place hostage.
A bomb? Go and tell everyone Marty.
I can't, can I? I'm a flaming ghost!
Then you've got to warn them Marty.
How? Nobody else can see me. -You've
gotta clear that room somehow, Marty.
Douglas?
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie?
-Milton? -Yes -Mr Milton?
You'd better come this way, I'll explain.
Douglas? Douglas? Douglas?
There's been an incident. It's alright,
you're not in any immediate danger,
but I'd feel happier
if you're in your room under guard.
Now wait a minute.
I'm not in immediate danger.
What are you saying?
I'll be in danger? When?
In an hour? In a day? I don't like any
kind of danger, no matter how far off.
Oh no.
You know what I think has happened?
She was waiting in here to kill you.
Only she didn't reckon with me.
Unfortunately,
I'll never forgive myself,
but I was just too late.
Damn.
That's a tough break.
She shot you.
But thank God,
I got her.
And this.
Which, being the
dutiful citizen that I am,
I intend to hand over
to your government.
Unless of course I can get
a better price for it elsewhere.
You know, in some ways this is a relief.
Mr. Milton? Douglas?
Jeannie?
-I can't find Douglas anywhere.
It's OK, he's safe. He's in here.
Oh, good.
-Why don't you come in?
Oh, please, don't go in Jeannie.
He's only after one thing.
I think I better go and find Jeff.
I haven't seen him for ages.
It's OK, he's in here too.
No he's not.
Bloody Hell!
Jeannie, don't go in there.
Jeff?
Jesus.
I'm sorry Jeannie.
I didn't want you to be involved.
My God, what a bloodbath.
Jeannie's next door with Shelley.
Look Marty, you are gonna
have to let her go.
No you dozy asinine fool. He's an
assassin. He's gonna kill Milton and her!
Well get back in there and do something.
Levitate something at them Marty.
Right. OK.
Like what?
I don't know, but something big.
This big?
-That'll do, yeah, -Right.
You bastard. You only came on to me
so that you could get close to Milton.
The irony is
I am actually attracted to you.
I think you're a wonderful person.
Ah, Jeannie, I don't wanna have to --
I really don't wanna have to hurt you.
Now. Now, I'm gonna hurt you!
Put that down.
OK. Let's start again.
Something big. Something really big.
Believe me, I know
it sounds like a cliche,
but I am sorry it
had to end like this.
I suppose you made
up that story about your
wife dying so that
I'd feel sorry for you?
No. She really did die
protecting the ambassador.
Alright, I changed a couple of details.
Like I was the assassin
and I don't really miss her,
but otherwise it was
a perfectly true story.
Concentrate your mind, Marty.
And there is nothing you cannot do.
Well, I must be going.
Say bye bye.
Jeff?
-Jeannie? Hi.
Is anyone any good with knots?
Thanks for that.
Though you have a rather unorthodox style,
but you saved my life.
No worries Douglas. It's my job.
I still don't understand how you managed
to get that bed through the wall.
Hmm. It's a very
complicated move. It's called
a contrived muscular
spasm. I do a lot of yoga.
Yoga?
Right.
OK.
Yeah, you know,
maybe Milton was right to be so paranoid.
It seems like half the world
was up here tonight trying to get to him.
Yeah, not to mention the bomb downstairs.
-The bomb! The bomb!
Don't open it!
This medal of peace
is awarded to Douglas
Milton for his tireless
struggle against --
For his tireless
struggle against oppression,
and his fight for freedom.
Freedom of opinion, freedom of speech
and the right to be heard.
So, did you?
-Did I what?
You know, the Yank, did you --
Did you?
Could have --
So, did you?
-No.
We thank you.
Did you want to?
Mr. Douglas Milton.
Did you?
No.
A lot of you here
in this room
will find it very hard to believe
what I'm going to say here today.
And as events have proved,
a lot of people do not want me to say it.
You alright, Judith?
Yes, yes, I'm fine
-but I have - I just
never expected Douglas to
actually deliver his message.
It was a close run thing,
but I guess it's all over now.
Once Douglas makes his revelations then --
There would be no point in anyone
trying to bump him off anymore. -No.
So I guess he's really
going to be in the news.
It'll sell millions.
-Yes, I suppose it will.
I suppose you can count yourself lucky.
Yes, I suppose I am.
...before it is too late.
These
are the main details.
The British government
have known for some time now
that a criminal organization
known as the Mafia
or Cosa Nostra
is in control of large parts of Sicily
and is involved with the drugs trade
and other illegal activities in America.
Furthermore, I have details
of government ministers,
particularly in the last administration,
who took money from people
in exchange for
asking questions in Parliament.
I have evidence
that some members of parliament
might
possibly be homosexual.
Extreme right wing
and nationalist groups
are on the increase
both in Europe and in America
and the American president
has possibly had an affair with someone.
Actually, within the White House itself.
And --
This seems to be
going rather well Mr Lacey.
Yes, Mr Bulstrode.
A fuss over nothing.
Small shame that a lot of people
got killed for no reason at all.
Well,
that's politics for you.