Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Best Years of Your Death - full transcript

Jeannie's young nephew Daniel is troubled by events at his boarding school following the death of a teacher,Mr. Dawkins. Jeff and Jeannie investigate by securing work at the school, respectively as teacher and nurse. The military style headmaster Captain Graves turns out to have a hand in the skulduggery and Jeannie and Jeff are helped by the pupils, as well as Marty, in overcoming him.

You're insane. This is madness.
You'll never get away with this.

Hi Jeannie,

Hi. -How was the drive?

Fine.

Hi there Danny.

Are you enjoying half term?

Hey, like the new haircut.

Hello, Auntie Jean. I'm very well
thank you very much. And how are you?

Very formal. No hug?

Kissing is unhygienic.

Shall I get the tea things ready mother?
-Yes OK.



It's that new school of his.

I know I should be pleased,
but oh, I don't know.

Maybe he's just becoming a teenager.

That usually means cultivating
a ludicrous haircut,

communicating in grunts,
and dressing like a clown.

Not turning into little Lord Fauntleroy.
-I know.

What a lovely day.

Hello there.
-Hello.

I can almost smell the flowers.

I miss being able to smell things,
you know, touch things.

Have you no feelings at all?

I beg your pardon?
-Nothing, sorry.

Well, if I concentrate,
I can sit down like this,

and it's almost like touching things.



Can you touch me?

No look, it goes right through.

But I've learned
a lot of things from Mr. Wyvern.

I've got a fantastic new power.

Would you show it to me?

Look, if you don't stop,
I shall call the police.

Right, watch this then.

See that pigeon?
-Yeah.

That's fantastic. The ability
to look constipated, yeah? -Hang on.

So you're working
for Marty's partner now? -Yes.

You don't suppose you ought to be
thinking about getting a proper job?

Thank you, Daniel.

Daniel's doing very well at school.

Aren't you lad?

Is it alright if I go to my room father?
I need to finish some homework.

Of course.

I expect you've
noticed the transformation, Jean.

Yes.

He used to be human.

And just what is that supposed to mean?

He's miserable, darling.
I'm really worried about him.

Nonsense.

He's just growing up
and becoming a responsible young man.

I don't think he should go back.

At least not until
we've tried to talk to him.

Wendy, I'm driving him
up to Radlands tonight, and that's that.

What do you think of that, then?

It's ridiculous Marty.
I'm very impressed. Does it hurt?

Not really doctor Doolittle,
it tingles a little bit

but I can't vouch for the pigeon.

Is it just pigeons you do? Or,
you know, can you possess anything else?

If a beast you want to be, the secret
of its heart unfurl, a stronger mind

is all you'll need to possess its very
surl surl? surl? surl soul soul soul soul.

So can you possess humans?

I don't know. I've not tried.

I'll give it a go, shall I?

Hey no. No way Marty.
You keep out of me.

No, thank you.

I'm off now Danny,
I just wanted to say goodbye.

Goodbye auntie Jean.
It was nice to see you.

Are you looking forward to going back?

I'm doing very well academically.

But you hate it.

With all due respect auntie Jean,
I didn't say that.

I'm very happy there.

With all due respect Danny, you're not
the Daniel Gill that I used to know.

Remember that time when
you gave me a glass of

washing up liquid and told
me that it was a liqueur?

Whenever you spoke, little bubbles came

out the corner of your mouth.

Auntie Jean,
I'd do anything not to go back.

Nearly ready, Daniel.

I want to stay here.
It was alright until Mr Dawkins left.

Mr. Dawkins?

My housemaster. He was the only one who understood and now he's gone--

I'm so scared.

Scared of what?

Come on. Get your things together.

Time to go.

He's going to be a real success, this boy.

A real success.

Bye then.
-Bye auntie Jean

Bye.

Good morning, Jeannie.

You're in nice and early. I like that.

It's half past twelve, Jeff.
-Really?

It's not as if there's anything worth
hurrying into work for, is it really?

You know, I don't think
the phones have rung here for two weeks.

Why don't you get onto BT and
see if there's a problem with the line?

It's fine. I've been using it all morning.

What we've got a case, have we?

No, not really.
I was just doing something for my sister.

Anything I can help you with?

It's just a silly thing.
I don't want to waste your time with it.

Well, I'd rather you wasted my time than
I wasted it for myself, Jeannie.

For goodness sake,
Mr Hopkirk, for goodness sake.

Possession is not a power to be taken
lightly. It is fraught with danger.

But I feel fine.

It's not dangerous for you.

It's dangerous for them.
You rob their minds.

Yeah, well,
I've picked up some strange habits.

You are not listening to me.

When you invade another creature,
you put them at great risk.

A brief possession may only result in
making them feel drowsy and disorientated.

But a longer possession could result
in a permanent loss of consciousness.

You must show some responsibility.

I thought you'd be pleased with me.

I am Marty, I am.

You're a bright pupil, but
you have a tendency toward waywardness.

Practice, practice, practice.

You must not run ahead of yourself.
-Sorry, sorry.

It was just nice for a moment
to experience some --

physical sensations.

I know what you mean.

Fried eggs.

A good malt whisky.

Having your back scratched.

So Dawkins walks out halfway through
the term, and he's never seen again?

Yes, and he's not the only one.

The old matron vanished earlier as well.

The school's in a bit of a bind.

They're having
to interview people for both positions.

And you found this out
by yourself this morning, Jeannie?

Yes, Jeff.
I'm not a complete idiot you know.

No you're not I'm very impressed.

It wasn't easy, either I can tell you.

Radlands school is ridiculously secretive.

Just because this Dawkins
fellow disappeared, Jeannie,

it doesn't mean
he's been murdered, does it?

Kids have very vivid imaginations,
you know. They read too many comics.

But Danny's changed.

I don't know, maybe
there is something else

and he's just made up
this story to cover it.

Yeah, but what else could there be?

I don't know.
I don't know how to get in to find out.

Oh, there are ways, believe me.

I didn't mean to drag you into this, Jeff.

That's alright. It's hardly the Maltese
Falcon, but it gives me something to do.

Well Dawkins disappeared four weeks ago,
so you can imagine

they're pretty desperate to fill his post.
-Right, what did he teach?

History. And he was a house master.

So it's a boarding school?

Yeah.

Wow, this is thrilling.
Are we investigating a vicious gang?

A secret society?

A sinister plot to take over the world?

No, a spoilt boy's
having problems at school.

Oh the excitement. My heart has stopped.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I forgot I'm already dead of course

Are you finished?
There's no need to be like that.

I'm doing it for Jeannie, you know.

What?

You're being very friendly with Jeannie.

Don't be daft. You asked me
to look after her Marty. -Yeah.

Right I'd better get a move on,
you know what to do without you? -Yes.

OK, I'll see you up there.
-OK.

Hello there. Jeff Randall.

Here for the house master's post

It's a bit nerve wracking isn't it?

A bit like being at school again.

You know, outside the headmaster's
office, waiting to be told off.

I'm back at school
myself at the moment, you know.

I go to night School.

I'm learning the Indian language.

Sari seems to be the hardest word.

I wonder who'll be first up.

Mr Purnell, please.

We here at Radlands believe
in old-fashioned principles.

Old fashioned ideals,

and I'm not ashamed to say
that I'm an old-fashioned guy.

Yes, I expect a lot from my staff:dignity,

gravitas,

cleanliness, honesty,

devotion to the school.

As headmaster,
I expect to be obeyed without question.

You may not be used to such
an autocratic approach,

but I can assure you
I'm well respected here.

Is something amusing you Mr Purnell?

No, I'm sorry it's a --

it's a touch of hayfever.

Yes.

Mr Purnell,

tell us about yourself.

I'm sorry.

Mr Walton, please.

Come.

That will be all Mr Walton. Thank you.

Mr Waymark please.

Good luck.

Shan't need it.

Once I show them what I'm made of

they won't even bother
asking you in Matey Boy.

You all set?

I shouldn't really do this you know,

I promised Mr. Wyvern.

Well just be brief.

OK, but you have
to accept the consequences.

Alright.

Look, he's on his way in.
Hurry up, go on.

I cannot deny that
you are our preferred candidate.

Your references are impeccable,
but your character must speak for itself.

We need men of fine calibre
with healthy minds and healthy bodies.

So perhaps you could tell us why you're so
interested in joining us here at Radlands.

Certainly Captain Graves.

I was particularly attracted to Radlands
because of its traditional approach

Stop it. Get out.

To education.

Strict discipline
makes it so much easier to eat boys heads.

What's happening to me?

Sorry, to teach boys.
It also makes it more fun.

And boys appreciate
being able to learn in a giant walnut.

They like to order themselves about into traditional, traditional, traditional --

Traditionally--

Bastard.

teaching is pretty stupid.

No.

Stop.

I hope you showed them what you're made of

Matey boy.

Right, come on, Jeff, let's do it.

Ah Mr. Randall,

I must confess that
you are not at the top of our list,

but circumstances have altered somewhat.

Now, what can you tell us about yourself

that would endear you
to us here at Radlands?

Well, I can tell you that my wife's a
qualified nurse and an experienced matron.

Ah, the complete package.

Welcome to Saint Georges House,
Mr and Mrs Randall.

Hello. -I'm I'm Mr Bank Smith.
I'm the Junior House master.

We met at the interviews.

Oh so so we did. We did so didn't we.

Well do, do come along please.

It's rather small, but

Dawkins was very happy there.

It's marvelous to have you,
have you on board.

I've been holding the fort, but it's
been very difficult since Dawkins left.

I expect the boys are finding it hard.
He was very popular I gather.

Mr Dawkins made the mistake
of trying to get the boys to like him.

Boys do not respond to that.

Boys have savage tendencies.

They are dumb beasts
and will not work unless they are forced.

If you show them any kindness
they will spit--

in your face.

They exploited Mr Dawkins.

Yes. Hello Harriet, Dear.

I shall see you at supper.
I'm doing my rounds.

Harriet is head matron and I am her wife.

That's to say, her husband.

I'll leave you to settle in
and see you at supper.

Yes, thanks.

Remember Jeannie, this was your idea.

Now are you sure
you want that side of the bed?

Look this is strictly business, Jeff.

Jeannie, we're partners
in the business sense.

It will be exactly
as if I was sharing a bed with Marty.

But it will be matey boy, don't you worry,

I won't be leaving you alone
with her for one moment.

Great.

Auntie Jean. -Danny.

What are you doing? You shouldn't be here,

You can't just give someone a note
like this and expect them to ignore it.

It was a joke. I made it up.

Furthermore, you will wash properly
at all times of the day.

You will not shout
or make fools of yourselves,

and you will honor the headmaster.

These are simple doctrines
for simple boys.

Now you may eat.

Could you er --

I'm the only mother
most of these boys know.

I must have
the biggest family in the world.

I, I do hope it works out for you both,

I'm afraid the
last matron left in rather a hurry.

Why, what happened to her?

Dawkins had a theory,

that she was sweet on Captain Graves.

Dawkins was always up on the gossip.

But something must have gone wrong b --

Potatoes are good.

She let me kiss her,
but she wouldn't open her mouth.

but it was worth it,
seeing her again in the holidays.

I'm sorry Praetor I was lying.

I didn't really kiss a girl.

You were seen
talking to Mrs Randall, Gill.

I'm sorry.

This wasn't authorized.

It was a transgression
against the rules Gill.

This is a formal accusation.

And you are under suspicion.

The eyes of the school are on you.

Well, here we are then Jeannie.

Here we are then.

You don't snore do you?

Not as far as I know.

It's just that
I'm a very light sleeper, you see.

Are you sure you're alright
that side of the bed?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

Good.

Is your pillow alright?

Fine, Will you just shut up
and let me go to sleep. Jeff. -Sorry.

Are you warm enough, Jeannie?
Do you want some more blankets?

Shut up.

I'm sorry.

Shut up, shut up. Shut up, shut up.

Oh my boys.

As this sword,

the Sword of our founder,
Sir John of Radlands,

was forged in
the white heat of traditional faith.

So we must build our future
here at Radlands.

Forged in the white heat
of traditional education.

Let us draw strength
from this great knight.

As so the infidels in the Holy Land
and smite down our own enemies.

You are, an elite.

You are, an army.

You are the
foot soldiers of enlightenment.

Go to your classes.

And prepare for power.

Chaucer's England.

More specifically, life in Chaucer's
England. Sounds fun, doesn't it boys?

Chaucer lived, of course,
many hundreds of years ago,

and it was the Middle Ages.

It's called the Middle Ages,
though of course at the time

for the people living then

it wasn't the middle there.

There wasn't enough of the future
to have made it the middle.

But let's say he lived
a long time ago in the olden days.

And of course there was a King,
on the throne.

There always seems to be, doesn't there?

And it was King Charles.

King Edward, Sir.

Oh right. Bushell. Very good.

Let's write that down. King Edward--

the second

Wasn't it King Richard the Second
as well , Sir?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think you'd have two Kings on
the throne at the same time, would you?

One after the other, Sir.

One after the other?

Yeah, no, you're right one
after the other. Of course

Richard the Third you say yeah.

He sounds great, I'll write him down

as well, Richard the Third
the Lion-ROAR-Heart.

Hello there.

My first patient.

What's wrong?
-Nothing.

Illness is a weakness.

The headmaster
does not like boys to be sick.

Right. So what can I do for you then?

The last matron didn't...work out.
-Oh --

Stay away from the headmaster.

Stay away from him.
Know your place.

You can't speak to me like that.

No one must know what's going on.
Or all our plans will come to nothing.

Don't worry, our secret is safe.

Dawkins was the only one
who might have been a problem,

and he, he's no longer with us. -No.

But we're so close to completion.
The money is all in place.

The final phase must go ahead as planned.

Headmaster.
-Mrs Randall.

How are you finding
things here at Radlands?

Fine, thank you headmaster.

I hope you'll
stay with us for a long time.

But I have one question.
-Which is?

What are you

Mrs Randall?

What are you really?

Are you a --

Radlandian?

Yes. -One of us, one of us.

There's something wrong about him.

I don't think
he's a proper teacher at all.

There will need to be an investigation.

We must be more vigilant than ever.

Oh my boys,

my chosen ones

time for choir practice
in the Assembly Hall.

But fear not.

The final phase will soon be complete and

you're going to take
your rightful places.

Now we must hurry.

Captain Graves is so creepy.

I'm beginning to think
this wasn't such a great idea, Jeff.

It's doing my head in.

If you want to be
a private detective, Jeannie,

you have to get used
to this sort of thing, you know.

Yeah, but the mood's so tense everywhere.
And it's so cold.

It'll be alright, Jeannie.

Just get a good night's sleep.

Shut up.

Howzat?

Howzat.

Was it out, Sir?

Course it wasn't out
It didn't hit the sticks did it?

No Sir, LBW Sir.

Exactly.

Have you ever played cricket before Sir?

Bushell, I used to play for Oxford.

Show us Sir, bowl Sir.

Yeah, alright, Yeah.

You be umpire Bushell.
OK, you know what to do?

If you pass your initiation,

Parker,

you can join the choir
and wear the Red Blazer.

Marty, Marty.

You summoned me oh master?

Marty. I told them I could
play cricket you gotta save my skin.

Yeah alright then.

Howzat!
-Yeah --

Come in.

Hello Parker.

Please matron

I've cut my knee matron.

Well, we better disinfect that.

Up on the bed.

How did you do that?

I was running Miss.
Headmaster says we mustn't run.

Headmaster says you mustn't do anything.

Oh, you brave soldier.

Yeah yeah right

Right Gill, you go
and get the ball all right.

Now, are you all watching carefully?

It's all in the wrist action over
and back over and back.

I don't like the look
of this weather lads.

Let's get back to the
pavilion. I'll tell you all

about that technique. Come on.

That's Mrs Randall.

He's a detective.

We must report this.

Incoming.

No.

Mr Randall. Jeff.

It's all connected
to some secret plan. The final phase

Dawkins. Maybe Dawkins
found out about it and --

Yeah, but Marty,

perhaps it's just that all
private schools are like this.

No captain Graves is up to something.

He's using the boys.

Are you going to be long in there?

I need a shower.

Nearly done, Jeannie.

She looks great
in that uniform doesn't she?

I'm trying not to think about it.

It's bad enough
having to share a bed with her.

Jeff,

I was, erm --

I was wondering,
-What?

I was wondering --

Can I borrow your body
for a night, please?

To do what?

Oh Marty no, please.

No, she's not gonna wanna sleep with you.

She'll sleep with me, as you?

With us. It's ridiculous.

But you want to, don't you?

No no, well, not like that,

no, not at all in fact Marty.

Not with you breathing down on me.

I wouldn't be breathing down on you.

I'd be breathing up it.
Anyway, you'll be fast asleep.

Oh right, great.

You get all the good bits.

All I get is the embarrassment, apologies.

And what will it do
to my friendship with Jeannie?

It will be worth it.

No. That's final.

Maybe I just will anyway.
-I won't let you.

You won't have to.

I just need a stronger mind. -Exactly.

No. No stop it Marty, don't you dare?

Stop it, Marty.

Jeff.

Jeff, are you alright?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Jeff?

Jeff?

Yeah, I just need to get some sleep.

That's right you go to sleep go to sleep
go to sleep go to sleep little Jeffrey.

Wow, it worked.

What?

Yes, this is more like it.

You've perked up, I must say.

Yeah, no, not really, Jeannie.

Yeah, I think I got up a bit too
quickly. Just then, would you hold me?

Yeah.

We give ourselves freely unto you.

Yes, soon the future
will be secured for you.

Yes, tonight the world
will open up for you, my Captain Graves.

Sorry about the door.

Oh it's alright Jeannie

I feel a lot better now. How about you?

Oh, I wish I was at home. In my own bed.
I've got a permanent headache.

Have you really?

Would you like a neck massage?

Jeff! -Yeah?

Could make you feel a lot better.

You sit down there, Jeannie. Please
come on. You deserve a bit of pampering.

Just sit there.

And we'll rub away the pain.

OK?

Feels good, yeah?

Yeah, it's nice.

Marty was good at giving neck massages.
It used to make me feel all tingly.

Do you miss him terribly?

He was a terrific bloke wasn't he?

Just like anyone else.

That's not fair, Jeannie, no.
He was a terrific dancer.

Especially tap and he was good humoured.

He was trustworthy.

Generous, loving.

Tender.

Loving.

Jeff, what are you doing?

Come on Jeannie, you know what I'm doing.

These last couple of nights together.

Sharing the same bed and all.

Don't Jeff.

Well, come on Jeannie. Give us a kiss.

Now look what you've done! -Jeff.

Jeff, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but you
understand it wouldn't be fair to Marty.

Wait a minute, you wouldn't really
consider sleeping with him, would you?

Mr and Mrs. Randall.

Parker, what is it?

They've got Daniel, Miss.
They've got Daniel Gill.

Jeff, Jeff. Wake up. Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff! Wake up! Jeff!

Jeff!

Aghhhhh

Jeff.

Jeannie's gone.

What?
-Jeannie has gone.

Come on.

Yes alright alright keep your hair on.

OK, Captain Graves.
Where is she? Where's Jeannie?

I've no idea what what,
why should she be here?

I'll take a look around.

Look Captain Graves.

Look Capt. Graves. Don't think we
haven't rumbled your little game.

We know exactly what you're up to.

What what am I up to?

I haven't a clue, but I do know
about Dawkins's disappearance

and about the final phase
as well. So where is she?

There's no one in here.
Would you kindly leave.

I don't believe you Captain Graves.

Where are you hiding?
What's your little secret?

Let's have a look shall we?
-No, no, no. How dare you no.

I do beg your pardon.

Get out of here Mr Randall.

Get out of my rooms
and get out of my school.

Look Captain Graves. You can't deny
that there's something going on here.

The disappearance,
the secrecy, the final phase.

The final phase of our
modernization program?

The renovation of our old school Chapel?

It's a building project.

Yes.

I'll kill you Marty.

May I suggest that you been watching too
much cheap television Mr Randall.

It's addled your mind.
There's no sinister plot at Radlands.

The Chapel Jeff, she's in the Chapel.
-She's in the Chapel.

Auntie Jean
you should never have come here.

Practising for the new school play?

You're carrying on like
the Spanish inquisition.

What are boys?

Boys are dirty. Boys are unclean.

What are boys?
-Boys are stupid. Boys don't study.

-What are boys? -Boys are bad,
boys are violent. -What are boys?

Slugs and snails and puppy dogs' tails.

We are not like other boys.
-So I've noticed. -We are always polite.

Clean.

And respectful.

We do what our mother tells us.

And those that would
harm her must be stopped.

What is all this?
The chapel's out of bounds. It's unsafe.

Why don't you do something?

Awhh.

Mr Randall do be careful.

Don't you worry Headmaster
I'll be alright. You just stand back.

You are a threat to our school.

To what we stand for.

And as such.

You must be disciplined.

What are you doing?

You're all crazy, cut off here
in your screwed up little world.

What are boys?

What are boys? -Boys are useless.
-No, you're wrong.

You mustn't believe her.
You're young. You're full of life.

You should be running around and fighting

and being silly and making stupid jokes.

This is all wrong. Can't you understand
she's poisoned your minds?

We know what we are.
We are dirty and evil and --

Jeannie I've come to rescue you.

Thanks.

What is going on?

These boys, my boys.

Would do anything for me.

I'm their mother.

And you are their father, headmaster.

All this is for you.
Everything we have done.

When Dawkins found out
about us our secret love.

I couldn't risk a scandal.
Risk all you've worked for?

This is not what I worked for.
Are you mad?

Kill them

Go on boys get back to your dormitories.

Stay where you are.

Go on, it's all over.

We will stay.

And do what we're told by our mother.

Don't you see she hates you?

She hates boys. Hates you all.

Yes, they're all dirty
and smelly and badly behaved.

What are boys?

What are boys?

Come on, this is just stupid.

Jeannie!

Hold it right there you mad bat.

Give us a kiss.

Thank you Jeannie. Thank you so much.

Daniel.

I'm sorry.

Well, it was nice Jeannie you know,
those few days, as husband and wife.

Tell you what Jeff. You snore too loudly.

Eh? I don't snore!

Yes you do.

How would you know?

Cos I made you!