Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) (2000–2001): Season 1, Episode 1 - Drop Dead - full transcript

Private eyes Randall and Hopkirk are investigating two-timing husband Kenneth Crisby as Marty Hopkirk prepares for his marriage to Jeannie Hurst. Performance artist Gordon Stylus also seeks their help as he believes his wife is suicidal. Marty is killed when a car, apparently driven by Mrs. Stylus, sweeps them both over a cliff. The killer is, in fact, Crisby and Marty's ghost comes to Jeff Randall's aid when Crisby threatens him. However, Marty is destined to remain a ghost with only Jeff being able to see him.

She's showing him her etchings.

Come on Marty, Pay attention.
Get it focused.

Well make sure you do this time.
-Lovely.

Kenneth Crisby, Mrs. Crisby's not gonna like this one bit.

She's going to take you to the cleaners.
They're getting very excited in there.

You can see everything,
but the question is Jeff,

Will it stand up in court?
-Oh come on, Marty, take it more seriously please.

Come on Jeff, all we ever do
is divorce cases.

When are we going to get something
exciting that involves murder, mystery and--

helicopters -helicopters?
-You know what I mean.

Kenneth, enjoy your house while you
can,
'cause you won't have it much longer.



Wait a minute.

He's gone.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Mind the camera. Mind the camera?
-I'll shove the camera right down--

Don't mess with me I'm afraid I'm--

I'm sorry Mr. Crisby,
it's a very expensive--

Jeff. -You, miserable little parasite, I'll murder you.

Jeff.

You're a dead man.

Jeannie. Jeannie.

Start the car. -Where've you been?
You said you'd only be a few minutes.

Get in the driver's seat and start the car.

Great night out this.

Jeannie, please just start the car.



Excuse me

Excuse me. -What?
-Do you mind not hitting my fiance?

Fiance? You can't possibly walk
down the aisle with this little turd,

let alone bear his children.

I won't tell you again.

Go home! It's way past your bedtime.

You, get in the car and don't
ever try to work on a date again.

You alright, Jeannie?

Right, listen to me. The bank
is here. This alley here is one way.

This road here is closed
due to road works. OK?

Now the first car should arrive at the
junction of Spooner Drive and Berman Street

at exactly 10:15.
The church is approximately

3 miles away, so the motorcade should--

God, you're thorough, Jeff.

You must be the most
thorough Best Man in the world.

We're wondering,
perhaps you might do some diagrams

for us for what to do
when we get into the hotel room.

Can you not take
this seriously please Marty?

No, it's all right Jeff,
we are taking it seriously.

Thank you Jeannie. As I was--

Jeff, could I just clarify one thing.
When we get to the hotel room,

Should I go straight
for the trousers or kiss him first?

Look, if you can't take it seriously--

I think she should go
for the trousers first.

Good.

Look, it's you two
that are getting married right?

There's a client to see you.

Thank you Felia. -Thank God for that.
-We'll carry on with this later.

I really don't think you two
realize exactly what's involved--

I've got to go actually Jeff,
but thanks for everything.

But Jeannie there's the photographer--

Jeff, we really appreciate
everything you're doing.

I'm not doing it for him.
I'm doing it for you Jeannie.

See ya.

Mr. Stylus.

Thank you Felia.
Hello. Randall. Jeff Randall.

Pleased to meet you.
We spoke on the phone. right.

And this is my partner Marty Hopkirk.
-Hello.

Although I expect I'll be
dealing with the case myself, Gordon.

Gordon Stylus?

Gordon Stylus, the famous artist? -Yes.

I've got a postcard of one of your
paintings in my toilet.

That's nice. -Yes, I know a lotabout art and classical music.

I recently bought "Classical Moods".

Shut up, Marty.

Have a seat Gordon.

So I should imagine this case
involves international art theft

or a clever forgery or a mysterious painting
of a beautiful woman that contains a clue--

I want you to follow my wife.

Take over, would you Jeff please?
Divorce is your speciality.

It's not divorce.

It's something much worse.

What do you think of Damien for a name?

I've heard worse.
-Like what?

Actually, no, I haven't.

Please. Don't smoke.

Sorry.
-I don't want a mutant baby.

Who does?

She's my inspiration my,
my soul music, my all, my A1,

my, my habit, my, my main line.
She, she's more than-- Is that a painting?

Yeah, it was just a bare
wall out there before.

We thought it would cheer the
place up a bit, you know?

Yeah, I did it myself.
It's my design and everything.

It's not very good.

She's changed. She's, she's, she's

shifted shape. She, she's become distant.

She has these violent episodes and,

I thought at first that she might
try and harm someone else, but,

lately, I've become
terrified that she's going to--

turn inwards.

What made her change do you think?
-I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know I--

That's what I want you to find out.
I want you to watch her.

Find out what it is, and stop her.

From--

Can I just clarify?
Are we talking about suicide here?

Gordon's having this big party.

It's her birthday and he wants us there
to mingle. - Wait a minute when is this?

This weekend.

Marty, we're getting married this weekend.

Are we?

Jeannie, we need the money.

The wedding's not until
Sunday afternoon and it's been organized

right down to the tiniest,tiniest,
little detail. You could come along.

Marty, don't be ridiculous, I can't.

Miss Hurst. I don't pay
you to hobnob with the guests.

I'm sorry Mr Drake, but this is my fiance,
Marty. Marty, Mr Drake, Mr Drake, Marty.

We both work all hours so I never
get the chance to talk to him and--

Whatever gave you the impression
Miss Hurst that I was remotely interested
in your private life?

This is a restaurant,
not the Oprah Winfrey Show.

I can't believe you talked me
into going to this party.

You know me, Jeannie.
I have a silver tongue.

Will you two shut up, please!

And Marty, Marty.
Will you drive a bit faster please?

You must be
the slowest driver in the world.

It's not good to thrash the engine Jeff.

Yeah, but Marty, if we were
going any slower, we would be parking.

Jeff, you don't know the first
thing about driving or cars.

Yeah, you're always saying that Jeff.

Shut up.

Shut up, please.

OK, when we get inside,
I'll stay close to Annette Stylus.

Make sure she didn't try to kill herself.
You mingle with the other guests.

Hey, what gives you
the right to say who does what?

Because I'm the better detective.

Feels like I've been stuck
with a couple of kids.

He started it.

Follow me.

Marty.

Oh. Oh here she is folks. Party girl.

You need to start behaving.

I just went for a drive.
Needed some fresh air.

Oh Annette, this is Marty.
This is Jeff and Jeannie.

You know, for some stupid reason
I thought this was my party.

But you only seem to
have invited your friends.

You don't have any friends, Annette.

What are we doing here?

Trying to save
Gordon's marriage by the look of it.

I'd get a pretty distorted picture of
marital bliss knocking about with you two.

Is this what it comes to then,
mutual distrust, cheating entirely?

Are you sure
we're doing the right thing Marty?

All I know is I have a picture
of an old white haired couple

with a little cottage somewhere,

sitting happily in the late afternoon sun,
spending their lives together,

growing old together,
could face anything together.

Who might lose old fools be?

I have no idea,

but I do know that you and I are out the back putting sensors in the rhubarb patch.

You romantic. -Let me put it another
way, Jeannie. Je t'aime.

Ich Liebe dich TMO
or as the Japanese would say--

How do you like that?
Never even said he loved me.

This old stuff is worthless. Junk.

It's the past. I've moved on.

Painting is dead.

Stuff I'm working on now
is going to blow old art away.

Boom!

Come on, come with me,
I wanna show you what art is.

I've got a major exhibition opening soon,

this is mostly work in progress.
-Ah, this is very special.

Beautifully understated and yet almost--

overstated, and the material,

gold, if I'm not mistaken.

No, it's frozen urine.

My own.

Of course, of course.

For some reason I just love
making casts of my own head.

Do you know Gordon,
you're right. Your sculptures are

a lot more impressive than your paintings.

This for instance, what do you call this?

That's my washing up.

Exquisite.

Jeannie.

I'm going home Jeff, this is stupid.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I could strangle Marty, sometimes.
-Me too.

Just make sure
that he gets there on time tomorrow,

and I know you wouldn't,
but don't leave him to his own devices.

Let's face it,
he's basically just a big kid.

Hey. Whoo hoo.

It's great fun Gordon, but is it art?

We have to break down
the barriers between science and art.

Why can't you be a great artist
and a great inventor?
I mean look at Leonardo Da Vinci.

That's resin.
-It's very, um.

What's the word? -Hermetic.

Hard. -I love her. I love her.
You know L-O-V-E.

I'm nothing without her. I'm, I'm.
I'm no. I'm no thing. I'm no, I'm zero.

Annette's...

You've seen what she's like.

I saw her the other night.
She'd gone off for a drive.

She was standing on the cliffs.

I think she would
have jumped if I hadn't stopped her.

She's slipping away from me.

I know.

I'm going to
paint her something, for her birthday

Something-- magnificent.

It's over between me and Stylus.

It has been for a year.

I can't live in his shadow any longer.

I can't breathe.

You're my only way out.

It is NOT-- SUDDEN!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Boys and girls.

Androids, automata
and drones. I give you the greatest gift

that man can give.
The thing that separates men from machines.

The gift of art.

Annette's pretty preoccupied for a while
Marty. Watch her. But don't let her know.

Don't worry, Gordon,
discretion is my maiden name.

It's fantastic, we're actually
witnessing the creation of a masterpiece.

Fantastic! I haven't
been this excited since Readers Digest

personally selected
me to go into their prize draw.

I'm going home Marty.

Jeannie.

Jeannie wait, you can't go.

Marty, we're getting married tomorrow.

But I have to stay. At least until he's
finished his painting. I promised Gordon.

Oh, Gordon? Your new best mate?
What are you gonna do? Live here forever?

Watch over his wife 24 hours a day? It's
stupid Marty. It doesn't make any sense.

Love him?

I suppose I did.

Of course I did.
I probably still do love him.

You can love someone and hate
their guts at the same time, can't you?

So will you do it? Will you help me?

Hi, Jeff Randall.

Have you ever seen
a more narcissistic display?

No.

He's lost it big time.

You've heard the rumors? I suppose?
-No

That she basically did all
his best work for him.

You're kidding?

No. While he's busy poncing about with his media friends,

abusing his system in a variety of fashionable night spots,

the little lady stays at home slaving over a hot canvas.

I don't suppose he'd ever like
that one to get out, would he?

Be well distressed.

Is it distressed or UN stressed?
-De-stressed.

Right.

Is that your decision? Well, sod you then.

I'll just have to do it
without you. Thanks for nothing.

No, forget it Marty. I'm going home.
You can do what you bloody like.

Keys.

You're too kind.

Drive carefully and don't go above 40.

And don't park under any lime trees

or it'll leave that terrible,
sticky stuff on the roof.

And whatever you do, don't--
-Oh, drop dead!

Jeannie.

You're right.

Don't jump. You've so much to live for.
-Yeah?

Like what?

Never mind, I wasn't planning on jumping.

Oh good right?'cause I
promised Gordon I'd look after you.

Why? What is this?

You're not a friend of his, are you?

Who are you?

I'm um--

I'm a private detective.

Give the man a cigar.

So, the great Stylus has finally resorted
to spying on me has he? What's he told you?

Well, that you might try to kill
yourself. That you might be going mad.

Mad? Oh I'm mad all right.
Mad at him for treating me like this,

and mad at you for buying his lies.

Suicidal and prone to violent
outbursts. Losing my marbles.

Don't worry, Mr Hopkirk,
he's the crazy one, not me.

This is supposed to
be my party,

but I don't suppose he's even noticed I'm not there.

He wasn't always like this.

I've never known anyone
who could be so passionate.

He was crazy about me.

It was scary, almost as
if he wanted to be me.

But now he's just crazy.

Be careful of him. I don't
know what he might do.

Don't worry about me.
I can look after myself.

You!

Marty?

It's all right. I'm okay.
It's not my lucky day though, is it?

Annette! What are you doing?

Stop!

Stop!

Okay, okay. It's all right.

Just don't get out of the car.

Don't, don't get out of the--

This is it.

For Annette.

I shall call this piece,

Ashes to Ashes.

Dust to dust.

Jeannie, I can't find him anywhere
and his bed's not been slept in.

Do you think he's had second thoughts?

No, this isn't like him at all.

Mrs. Hopkirk?

Not yet Sergeant.

Oh, right, yeah, sorry. Miss Hurst.

Yes.

I'm afraid we have some bad news.

It was always Jeff and Marty. They
did everything together. Poor Jeff.

What about Jeannie? What about Jeannie and Marty? -I don't want any pity Wendy.

Maybe Jeff doesn't want any either.

Not prepared for a funeral.
This is my waitress's uniform.

I'm sorry Jeannie.

When I saw the car had gone, I
thought you two must have left together.

I should have taken Stylus more
seriously when he warned me

how unstable Annette was.

Jeff, you can't blame yourself.

I just keep expecting to
see him walk down that path

with a big stupid grin on his
face, saying it was just a big joke.

He was always joking.

I never thought I'd say
this, Marty, but I'm gonna,

I'm gonna miss you.

So long, mate.

Enjoy yourself,

wherever it is.

I'm sorry, but you must stop this please. The paint fumes. I don't want to have a mutant baby.

Cheers Marty.

Who is it?

Oh, hello there inspector.

Sorry to bother you Mr Randall.
I understand you must be very upset.

Well yeah, it's funny, you know.

You plod on day by day, not
really thinking and then,

something happens that just
blows your, your whole world apart.

Right, yeah.

I thought you ought to know we've closed
the case. Basically, she was just bonkers.

Sorry, that was inappropriate.

Insane. She was insane.

We traced her last call.
It was to Stylus's art dealer.

She was ranting on apparently.
Threatening all kinds of mayhem.

He thought she was just drunk again. Didn't think she'd actually do anything, let alone--Kersplat!

Sorry, that was in bad taste.
Anyway, we've taken a full statement

from Mr. Crisby. He's been very
helpful. The jigsaw is complete.

I'm sorry, from who?

Kenneth Crisby. Stylus's agent,
owner of the Crisby Gallery-- up in town.

Kenneth Crisby?!

Ooh, careful mate. Do
you want a hand with that?

Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust.

The very piece Gordon was
working on as Annette died.

I expect this to be the most sought
after piece in the exhibition.

I've already had offers
well into six figures.

People seem to love the delightful
frisson of violence and insanity.

Cheer up hombre.

The future's looking very rosy.

She's gone.

Yes, very sad and all that. Now, I thought it prudent to draw up a new contract.

Anything. I don't care anymore.
-Of course.

I thought 50/50.

50/50?!
-Yes.

Darling Jennifer is walking out
on me with 50% of everything I own.

I thought it only fair
to take 50% of what you own.

You bastard!

Yes, I know. Nevertheless, I think you'll
sign. After all, what choice do you have?

I have only to tell Inspector
Large what Annette and I

really talked about on the
telephone that afternoon and erm--

What did you really talk about?

Oh look, it's one half of the dynamic
duo that destroyed my marriage.

I think you played a part in
that you know Mr Crisby.

Spare me the moralizing, you little twerp.

How did you get in here? What
are you doing here anyway?

I'm here on business. I did some
work for Gordon and he hasn't paid me yet.

Hasn't paid you.

Of course he hasn't paid
you, you tit.

You were hired to stop his wife from
killing herself and look what happened.

Go away, and don't come back.

Right.

Right.

I'm not sure. -Oh, for God's sake,
you always have chicken,

wherever we go.

Waitress, waitress.

I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Just take you to Kentucky Fried Chicken
and have done with it.

Oh, you've deigned to join us have you?

Sorry, can I get you some drinks?

That's alright. Give me the money in your
purse love, I'll get the drinks.

Right, I'll have the
foie gras and the turbot.

She'll have the goat's
cheese and chicken.

No, I think I'll try the guinea fowl.

Oh, for God's sake, you feel sorry
for guinea fowl. It makes you cry.

She'll have the chicken.

No, erm, I don't know, erm,
what would you recommend?

I recommend you leave this arsehole
and go out with a human being.

I beg your pardon.

Do you know who I am?

Ladies and gentlemen, I wonder if
anyone can help me.

This poor gentleman seems to have
completely forgotten who he is.

Does anyone know? Oh, you might have
seen him at the circus or on Crimewatch.

Come on. Anyone?

It's a very sad case of amnesia.
-Miss Hurst!!!

They got me Jeff. They killed
me.

Jeff, Jeff. Go to the church. Meet me at my grave.

Not now Marty. I'm tired, it's late.

Marty?

Jeff, it's alright. Don't panic. You're not going mad.

Please Marty, you're dead.

I know, I know, but I've come back. Look, I know this is a bit of a shock to you,

but go to the cemetery and meet me there. Take my car.

and don't drive too fast. Don't over-rev it.
-Oh stop it.

Hello Jeff.
-Marty! You're not dead!

Of course I'm dead,
you idiot. You buried me.

I keep trying to tell you, I'm a ghost.

Stop it Marty, it's not funny.

I know it's not funny. I'm a flaming
stiff but will you please listen to me.

Bloody hell!
-Satisfied?

Marty, this is typical of you. Why
can't you stay dead like anyone else?

I've got one night to return to Earth.
One night to find out who killed me.

Annette Stylus killed you Marty. Now please, just go back to heaven or wherever it is you've come from.

It's not right Jeff. It
doesn't make sense.

What doesn't make sense Marty
is you stood here talking to me.

Gordon was lying.
Annette wasn't crazy.

She was going to expose him. She'd
been talking to his agent.

Kenneth Crisby.
-What?

Crisby is Gordon's agent.
-Well, there's a coincidence!

Yeah, you know, I did think
something fishy was going on

and I was gonna confront
Stylus about it, but--.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Talking to a dead man.
I must be dreaming or something.

Jeff, you've gotta believe in me.

I've only got one night.

Jeannie. Jeannie, what
are you doing here?

I've been fired from the restaurant, Jeff.

It was stupid, I just lost my temper. I've been driving aimlessly around.

I couldn't face going home.
I needed someone to talk to.

Sometimes, I talk to Marty's grave.

I sound crazy talking to a dead person.

No, not at all Jeannie. Not at all.

I can't bear it.
-Oh, Jeannie.

Oh yeah. I'm not cold in my grave
and you're making moves on my fiance.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--

No, not you. Jeannie not you. Not at all.

Look Jeannie. Do you notice

anything unusual here tonight?

No, other than the fact that we're standing in a graveyard in the middle of the night.

She can't see me, Jeff. I chose you, you're the only one.

But Jeannie, if Marty was here,

if he could hear you,
what would you want to say to him?

That I miss him terribly.

That I haven't laughed since he died.

I've got to go.

Look Jeannie, I may have lost the plot,
but there are things about Marty's death

that just don't add up.
-Well, where are you going?

I'm going to go and
see Stylus. Ask him some questions.

I'll come with you.

No Jeannie. Please.
You just go home. Please go home.

Alright. I believe you now. Satisfied?

Yeah. Good. Right. Then let's go. We're running out of time. I've only got until daybreak.

-Or what?

Afore the sun shall rise anew,

each ghost unto his grave must goo, goo?
goo Goo, Go Go, Go, go.

I didn't write the bloody rhyme.

All I know is we've only got until dawn. So let's go and see Stylus.

Alright, let's goo. Goo go go.

Where have you been? -I haven't quite got the hang of sticking to things yet.

It's very awkward being just ectoplasm
you know. -I wouldn't know would I?

Well look at me, there's nothing to me.
-There never was Marty.

No no no. It wasn't my fault.

Don't look at me like that. I don't know. Don't look at me.

So she really did do all of Gordon's best work did she? -Yeah. Don't drive so fast.

I'm not driving fast Marty. So why did she phone Crisby? -Mind the curb? -Marty will you concentrate?

How can I concentrate when you're driving like a maniac? -Marty, are we in a hurry or what? -Yes.

So why did she phone Crisby?
-He was the only other person that knew the truth.

She wanted him to tell the world.
-But he refused yeah?

Yeah, well Stylus
earns him a lot of money.

Crisby and Stylus both had good
reason to want her out of the way, Marty,

But you've gotta face it, she
topped herself, didn't she? -Did she?

What if she wasn't driving the car?

What if it was somebody dressed
as her, and she was already dead?

What if this whole thing

is a scam to get rid of Annette?

Crisby wouldn't have had time to
get there would he?

And Stylus was too busy doing his stupid
painting at the party.

Was he? He was wearing a mask and
goggles. It could have been anyone.

Or anything.

Jeff slow down. What do you think you're doing?

I'm solving your murder Marty.

Jeff. Allow me please. Go ahead.

I don't understand it. Maybe you need to take a run at it Marty? -OK.

Hello Gordon. You look nice.
-Hiya

Shall we talk, Gordon?

Why not.

It's all over.

I'm nothing without her.

She was everything to me. Now she's gone.

So why did you kill her?

I haven't solved anything. I haven't solved anything.

You and Crisby planned this from
the start, didn't you?

Yeah.
-Kill two birds with one stone.

You get rid of Annette, and Crisby
gets his revenge on us.

It was Kenneth's idea.

It wasn't you painting at the
party at all, was it? It was one of them.

Well, that was bloody easy.

Jeff look out.

Ah, Mr Randall. You've surfaced -Crisby. -I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.

You're about to become a permanent art exhibit,

and a frighteningly realistic one at that.

You see, Mr Stylus and I are on the cusp of becoming very, very rich men.

And we can't let a common little git like you spoil that, now can we?

Marty. Marty. Thank God.
You've got to do something.

What? Jeff, I'm a ghost.

Nobody can see me apart from you. I can't do anything.

I can blow things.

And besides, it's nearly dawn. -So?

Remember the rhyme?

Afore the sun shall rise anew, each ghost unto his grave must goo.
-Or what?

Cursed be the ghost who dares to stay and face the awful light of day.

Yeah, but what does it mean, Marty? What happens?

I don't know. I can't remember the rest of the rhyme Jeff.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to end like this. I've got to go.

Marty. Please no. You can't leave me like this, Marty. Do something.

I'm sorry Jeff, I've got to go.

Just give me a minute okay.

Right then Jeff, it does exactly what it says on the label.

Dries to a very tough finish.
It'll kill you. But we all have to suffer for the arts!

You'll be hung in a gallery somewhere for streams of bored schoolchildren to gawp at for all eternity.

Never mind. I'm sure you would want to be well hung.

You know this is very satisfying.

The only thing that
would make this moment more complete,

would be to drop in the vicious
little bitch that kicked me in the head.

Hello.

Oh. Happy birthday me.

Jeannie. Get out. Get away from here.

Jeff! I'm sorry I followed you but--

You won't get the better of me this time dearie.

Time to join your fiance.

Get out Jeannie. Quickly. Run.

Oh dear.

Jeannie!

Marty. You beauty.

You didn't really think I'd leave you did you partner?

You took your time, didn't you?

Jeff, I'm losing me signal. Look after Jeannie will you.

What the hell was that?

Something must have exploded, Jeannie.

But never mind that. Where's Stylus?

Jeannie get me out of here, quick.

Hurry up, come on, quickly Jeannie.

The bitch is back.

Jeannie hurry up.

I may be finished, but my art lives on.

I am immortal.

Man becomes art.

Thank you all for coming.

Gordon Stylus was a truly famous artist,

and I'm sure this exhibition will be a huge success.

I can't tell you what a joy it is to see you all here today.

And I hope you choke to death on your champagne.

All right, that's enough. Let's get him out of here.

I'm going to get another drink. Do you want one?

Yeah, thanks Jeannie. And thanks for coming to the rescue as well.

It was nothing.

Can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?

Marty! What are you doing here? It's all over.

I remembered the rest of the rhyme didn't I?

Cursed be the ghost who dares to stay and face the awful light of day.

Ye shall not to your grave return until your chosen one be gurn, gurn gurn gone gone.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I didn't get back in time anyway.

The grave rejected me.

Yeah, so I'm stuck with you am I?
-No. I'm stuck with you pal. Partners for life.

Yeah sorry Marty. You know if you hadn't come back to help--

I couldn't leave my old partner there to die could I?

Anyway, this way
I can keep an eye on Jeannie. -Yeah.

So, what do you think?

Well, I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.