Ramy (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Harry Potter - full transcript

[person speaking Arabic]

MO: You're marrying Zainab
today, all right?

It's happening.

I just started having

some thoughts

about somebody else.

Did you act on 'em?

RAMY: I feel guilty

about something that

I'm now realizing maybe...

Maybe I should've told you.



- Amani, your cousin?
- Yeah.

Amani, who is in
our wedding photos?

- Well, yeah, she's...
- She's family.

You broke my baby girl's heart.

I was just trying
to tell her the truth.

Fuck you, Ramy!

You hurt people!

[engine turning over]

DR. WAKIM:
Socrates famously remarked,

"An unexamined life
is not worth living."

Sadly, many, if not most,
human beings are born,

live, and die without
ever examining their lives.

An honest examination of life
raises fundamental questions.

How did I get here?



What is the purpose of life?

And what, if anything, lurks
behind the curtain of death?

♪ ♪

RAMY: Do you believe in fate?

[lively music]

There's something about destiny

that's always felt hopeless.

It's like, no matter what
I do, I'm just gonna be

where it was written
for me to be.

So why do anything?

Why even try at all?

In Islam, we say in shall ah.

And I always thought it meant,
"If God wills it to be."

But as I got older,
I realized the translation

is a little different.

It's more like,
"If God willed it to be."

Past tense, 'cause
it's already been chosen.

It's already been chosen,
but we still have choice.

I-it's a concept
beyond our understanding.

How can you choose
what's already been chosen?

Only God could know.

Are we ever wrong or right?

Did I fuck up my life, or was
it always gonna be fucked up?

Sometimes it feels
like my only choice is...

if I'm gonna be smiling
when I meet God.

♪ ♪

There's a passage in the Quran
that gives me faith.

Allah says,
"We created you in pairs."

And there's something
so beautiful about that.

It's like, even if our fate's
already been written,

all of our blessings,
all of our downfalls,

it was written for us
to be together in a pair.

We're not meant to be alone.

♪ ♪

That's what's so beautiful
about marriage.

It feels like the best choice
you've ever made,

but it also doesn't feel
like a choice at all.

It's kind of like,
the only thing

you really have to choose
is the right ring.

Wow, where'd you learn
all that, kid?

You married?

Uh, no, no, I'm not.

But, um, one day.

In shall ah, that's what we say

in... in our religion.
FRANKIE: In shall ah.

This girl feels like fate.

She's Lebanese.

Her visa's running out,

then we meet and fall in love,

and now she gets to stay
in America if I marry her.

Now, what are the chances
of that timing?

I-I mean, that... yeah,
tha... that sounds like...

Egypt. Egypt.

One second.

YUVAL: Yo.
I got something big.

I told Selim that we sold
the watch to the Yemenis,

you and I, okay?

He flipped out
'cause they don't buy shit.

I sold the watch to the Yemenis.

It took me, like,
three weeks to close that deal.

You, me, I mean,
we both sold it.

We're like a team now.

We're like Moses
and the Egyptians.

You know that was, like,

a really fucked-up relationship?

Yeah,
but this one's gonna be better,

because they want to meet
right now.

- Selim from the Diamond Club?
- He wants to meet me?

- Diamond Club, baby.
- We got to go now.

Okay, yeah. Um...

Uh, sir, uh,
my uncle's gonna ring you up,

but, please, tag us
on Instagram when you propose?

Beautiful culture you have here.

You gonna buy this shit or what?

[lively music]

♪ ♪

[elevator bell dings]

RAMY: I spent the last
two years taking us online.

We've got almost
a million followers,

a-and soon we won't even be
able to keep up with orders.

If we had just the access
to your suppliers,

we could do something
really special, you know?

We really want to work
with the Diamond Club.

[both speaking Hebrew]

Now I got a warehouse
with silver dragons

collecting dust.

Oh, women love Arabic, okay?

You can't fuck in New York
unless you know Rumi.

Look, I-I don't understand
everything you guys are saying.

- But if we did this...
- Just give us a minute.

In shall ah.

It's very impressive
what you did with Dunya.

Thank you, sir, and, you know,

dunya actually means
"this life" in... in Islam,

- like... like, before...
- [speaking Arabic]

"The world to come."

Our traditions
have a lot in common.

RAMY: Yeah,
I-I've always felt that...

That we share this deep...

Christmas-less-ness, you know?

Chri... huh?

Like, uh... like, not
celebrating Christmas, right?

Like... like,
the whole country's...

This whole country's, like,
worshipping Santa,

an... and we're like,
"No, I don't think so.

This doesn't feel right,"
you know?

- Mm.
- I remember being

in kindergarten.

Everyone's talking about Santa.

I look over at this kid Ari,
and I'm like,

"Dude, we know the truth.

"You know, we know

this is just, like,
a capitalist fucking lie."

Like, Santa's not...
He's not in the texts.

Like, none of them...
None of the...

None of the testaments.

Over there, we have conflict.

But over here,

we see our brotherhood.

Ramy, do you believe in God?

You know, I...

I-I used to, but I don't know.

So I'm just trying to do
something to help my family,

a-and I'm not gonna let
anything get in the way.

Look, we don't do business
with many,

but when we give you a job,
we need our money quick.

And if you lose a client, the
cash comes out of your pocket.

This is not online sales.

- I-I know.
- I know... I understand.

Then we go to Israel
on Sunday, huh?

We go to... to where?

Israel.

If you're joining us,
there has to be trust, right?

The boss only meets in person
in Israel.

- Right, I-I-I thought...
- I just thought you said, like,

over there, there's prob...
But over here, we have the...

Yeah, but we have to go
over there to understand

what's going on over here.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

[speaking Arabic]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

NASEEM: Get up,
and paper the block.

Uncle Na seem, I'm over here
trying to save us money,

and you're wasting it on flyers

that don't even look
like you anymore.

- This is true.
- I'm much better-looking now.

- And that guy yesterday...
- He was gonna by that ring.

It was expensive.

You didn't close the deal.

- I wasn't going to sell him.
- He's a fucking FBI.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Everyone's a fed or a...

Or a pedophile
that works for Obama, right?

That... that's the whole world?

Why didn't you finish
the sale yourself?

Be a man.
No, you didn't.

Because I was going
to the Diamond Club, all right?

To meet with Selim.

- What?
- Who... how... how...

That's the kind of relationship

that can actually help us.

NASEEM:
Those guys are criminals.

Everything they do is unethical.

RAMY: "Unethical"?

Didn't you buy
half our stuff from China?

Made by Muslims.

Are you talking about
the... the Uyghur camps?

A Muslim is a Muslim.

Habibi, it's okay.

Once we make a lot of money,
we will free them.

You just don't want to work
with this guy

because he's Jewish... admit it.

I work with Jews all day,
dum-dum.

Daniel.

Da... Daniel!

I'm doing shit, Na seem.

NASEEM: This kid wants to work
with Selim.

I tell him
those guys are criminals.

Guess what he say.

He say I'm anti-Semitic.

Tell him. Tell him that he
is brainwashed by Twitter.

- Kid, you can't.
- Those guys are the fucking Mob.

There's a price that comes
with working with them

that you don't want to pay.

And your uncle is anti-Semitic.
NASEEM: Wha...

How long I been working
with you, huh?

Doesn't mean you don't hate me.

- It's...
- No, I hate Indians more.

The list is Indian, China,
Dominican Republic, Jew, um,

and... and those people,

uh, the fucking island people...
Bahama?

You hate people
from the Bahamas?

- Yes, Bahama.
- They have no culture.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Salaam alaikum, Brother Hassan.

My name's Rasheed Islam.

I'm here today on behalf of...

Look, we're here because
you owe Zainab a lot of money.

We don't need the salaams.

RASHEED: Malika,
we always need the salaams.

MALIKA: No, Rasheed, we don't
always need the salaams.

You did some dirty shit.
You got to pay up.

Akhi,

Sister Malika is noting

that when you signed
your marriage contract,

there was a mehr in place.

Due to the nature
of the divorce,

you owe the full amount.

It's been over a year,

and Zainab's yet
to receive payment.

- Her $100,000, like, now.
- [speaking Arabic]

No, I-I-I remember signing that.

- It was... it was 50,000.
- [speaking Arabic]

You also agreed
to put down 50 racks...

I-I don't... I don't have that
right now.

Well, just the mugaddam
is okay for now, then,

if that's all you can do.

- I-I don't...
- I don't have that either.

Broke. Broke-ass.

Look, if I could just talk
to Zainab...

I've been trying to get her
on the phone for over a year.

You know, it's not...
It's not right.

Like, w-we just got to have
a conversation or something.

She can't just send you here.

Ramy, you should
really just sign a check.

Sidi Ramy,
you know where you stand.

It's not just about the money.

You're in spiritual debt.

- Yeah, but... but you're...
- You're asking me for mo...

If it's spiritual, then can
we just not charge so much?

We'll be around
when you're ready.

But don't take too long.

God's waiting.

Salaam.

MALIKA: Broke, just broke.

[car alarm beeps]
MAYSA: [whispering in French]

FAROUK: Relax, Maysa.

MAYSA:
I talked to the bank manager.

He said it's very bad.

We might have to sell the house.

RAMY: Mom, no, we... we won't.

It's okay.
MAYSA: It's not okay.

Look at this, okay?

Here...

look.

DENA: I can't...

MAYSA: We can't see anything
in this fucking light.

- These are energy-saving bulbs.
- [speaking Arabic]

Yeah, but w-we really can't
see anything, Dad.

Just look closer.

We owe all the credit cards,
and with Shadi here,

it's like I have
a third child suddenly, right?

There's only... the two of us working,
only Ramy and myself. [Speaking French]

Mom, in a few weeks,
I'm gonna take the bar,

- and when I pass...
- In shall ah.

Sure.

When I pass,
I'm gonna get on a salary,

and I'm gonna help.

RAMY: I'm working
on something, too.

There's this business
opportunity in the district...

- Habibi, no, no, no, no.
- Stay wherever you are.

No business opportunities!

You know, the last time
I heard this from your dad,

it's when he threw
our money away.

Habibi, I'm not living
in Egypt, okay?

That investment you made...
It's fucking shit.

Why don't we
just sell the house?

- What?
- DENA: Yeah, what if it's time?

We move out, get our own places,

and, um, live, you know,
like, apart from each other.

That's not exactly
what I had in mind.

I'm not leaving
this fucking house, okay?

SHADI: [crying softly,
sniffles]

[knock at door]

- RAMY: Yo, you, uh...
- Yo.

- Is e... are you okay?
- Is everything all right?

[sighs] Did you ever watch
American Pie?

- Uh, yeah, it's...
- It's been a while.

SHADI: It's my favorite.

It made me
want to come to America.

But I just realized I never
actually watched the movie.

Wh... what are you
talking about?

In Egypt, a lot of the time,
they edit out the sex scenes.

So I must've watched a version
that was censored or some shit,

but I never actually saw
the part where he... [speaking Arabic]

Bangs the pie.

- Uh, yeah, I mean, I gue...
- I guess it's technically

a-a sex scene.

Growing up in Cairo,
you always have this suspicion

that everyone in America
knows something that you don't,

like you're stupid and the rest
of the world is smart.

Like everyone knows
about the pie

except for your dumb ass.

Look, man, I-I-I know that
it's been kind of a hard time,

but it's... it's... it's been
a hard time for everybody.

And COVID hit the DJ community
really hard,

but it's coming back.

I-I don't want to be
a DJ anymore.

Ever since I watched
that fucking pie scene,

I knew that I had
to rethink everything.

So I took some magic mushrooms,

and then I realized I miss God.

Y-you did shrooms?

SHADI: When you came to Cairo,

I was so confused
about how religious you were.

But being here, I actually miss
the call to prayer.

It used to annoy me,
but now I'm waking up

at 4:00 in the morning
'cause I don't hear it.

I'm waking up
'cause it's too fucking quiet.

- Look, the...
- The way I was in Cairo,

I'm not like that anymore, okay?

I-I don't...

- I know.
- You've been so closed off.

I don't know everything that
happened with you and Zainab.

I know you cheated on her,
but I don't know with who.

I don't really think
it matters with who,

and... and, uh,
I just don't want to...

Just don't say anything about
that to... to my parents or Dena.

SHADI: I don't judge you, bro.

I just don't want you
to lose your light.

Yeah.

- In shall ah.
- In shall ah.

♪ ♪

[door opens]

Allahu Akbar.

[door closes]

SINGER: [singing indistinctly]

[soft music playing]

♪ ♪

Are you sure you don't want
to try something different?

Yeah, i-if you'd
just stop talking,

then I can kind of
get into it, you know?

- Oh.
- Yeah, just give me a chance.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

It just seems like
you have a problem.

You're not getting hard.

Yeah, I'm... [sighs]

- I-I'm just tired, okay?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, yeah, me too.

- Yeah, I just, um...
- I should probably sleep.

- Yeah, yeah, let's just...
- Yep.

Let's... yeah, let's sleep,
and I feel like if... if we...

If we just kind of rest up,

and then... and then
in the morning,

we'll have more energy,
you know, and really kind of...

You know, I feel like
we'll find it, you know?

Like, you sleep here?

Yeah.

Um...

you know...

I, like, never
have anyone sleep over.

It's a personal rule.

- O-okay, but it's...
- It's just, like, I-I, um,

I live in Jersey,
so it's really far.

Yeah, New Jersey.

I'm really sorry about that.

[stammers]

That, like, that I have to
leave or that I live in Jersey?

All of it, really.

♪ ♪

- Okay.
- [yawns]

- Thanks, dude.
- It's fucking surging.

It's, like, $200
to get to Jersey.

Dude, I'd pick you up anywhere,

especially Williamsburg.

This is the land of my people.

You can't say that about
everywhere you guys move.

[chuckles] Yeah, Ramy.

Funny, Ramy... the funniest.

RAMY: No, I'm... I'm serious.

Are you coming to Israel?

- I-I don't know, man.
- It's a lot to think about.

You didn't tell me
anything about this.

YUVAL: I know that was pretty
fucking intimidating,

but Selim's the man.

He picked me up
from the Chabad Center

when I did my rehab,
and ever since he put

this yarmulke on my head,
I've been on fire.

I mean, I'm money right now.

Okay, you know him.

What do we know about
what's going on over there?

His boss is my aunt,
so, I mean...

- What?
- YUVAL: Yeah.

But she thinks
I'm a big fuck-up,

so it's not like we have an in.

But if we prove to her that
I'm not a fuck-up anymore...

I'm clean.
I have a best friend... you.

Show her you.
I mean, you're perfect.

You're the fucking...
I don't know...

Mo Sal ah of jewelry.

You can get generational wealth

and take care of your family.

And people will talk about us...

a Muslim and a Jew,
the two best friends...

who helped each other,

oh, and then helped the world.

And we're gonna get you
out of fucking Jersey.

I can't believe we have
to drive to fucking Jersey.

You just want to sleep over?
I got four beds.

No, I-I-I don't.

- Queens.
- I'm not sleeping over.

- Are you sure?
- We'll figure it out in the car.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

AHMED: Beautiful woman
in a swim magazine.

[device beeps]

Mistress punishing her servant.

[device beeps]
Transgender woman

with a cisgender woman
in the office.

They were arguing
over a work issue,

then there was more tension.

[device beeps]
Bradley Cooper.

[device beeps]

Sarah, the girl who wouldn't
let you ruin her life.

[device beeps]

January 6th rioter
fake-masturbating

next to a portrait
of Bill Clinton.

Dude, what are we doing?

I'm testing different stimuli.

I really thought Bradley Cooper
would've stimulated you more.

I-I don't think
this is doing anything, man.

Maybe I just have,
like, vitamin deficiency.

You think a vitamin is what's
keeping you from getting hard?

- I-I don't know.
- But you said that I'm healthy.

I've been exercising every day,
but I can't get it up, dude.

It's happened
with two girls now,

and... and porn's barely
even doing anything.

- Look at this, man.
- This is an average brain.

The yellow spots
are reward centers.

- See how small the yellow is?
- Yeah.

AHMED: This is your brain.
Look how big the yellow is.

So li... like, I'm extra happy?

No, you're overstimulated.

This is a heroin addict's brain.

Looks just like yours.

Are you watching horse porn?

- Horse porn?
- No, dude.

Can you stop talking to me like
I'm a drug addict or something?

- Everybody watches porn.
- It's the Muslim drug.

We don't drink.
We don't do cocaine.

We porn.

Remember when you told me
you watch porn

because you didn't
want to have sex?

That's how it starts, man.

When you don't think you'll be
with someone in real life,

you pile all your emotions
into your fantasy.

You had sex with a hijabi
from the mosque.

You cheated on your wife
with your cousin.

All your relationships
sound like porn.

- Not all of them, man.
- I've... I've... I've been in love.

I loved Zainab, uh, Sarah.

You don't know
what love is, man.

All your values are twisted.

You wear jewelry
with the Quran on it,

and you're not even praying.

I feel like you're gonna start
celebrating Halloween next.

- Well, Halloween's not haram.
- Shut up.

I just ran you through images
for an hour.

The only time your brain spiked

was when it was
something extreme.

Once you get away
from all this over stimulation,

your brain's gonna calm down.

And if you're gonna keep
having sex,

at least be
in a real relationship...

Someone who means
something to you.

You need love,

then you'll get hard.

SARAH:
It's been so long.

RAMY: I-I know.
What have you been up to?

I-I saw on Instagram
that you started a nonprofit.

SARAH: Yeah, it's been,
like, two years,

and we're also creating a system

to help unhoused youth
in New York.

- That's amazing.
- Li... like homeless kids, yeah?

- Well, we say "unhoused" now.
- It's their preference.

I mean, isn't their preference

just, like, to have a house?

What?

Like, if I was a homeless kid

and I had a wish,
I-I feel like I'd just want

somewhere to live instead
of, like, a-a new term, or...

Well, the communities
we work with appreciate it.

"Homeless" has
a negative connotation.

I think we should listen
to them.

RAMY: No, no, no, no, I get it.

I mean, it's like, uh, you know,

"Home is where
the heart is," actually.

So you know, my... my mom
has one of those plaques...

[laughs]
That says that in the kitchen.

- Um...
- That's nice.

But, um...

I-I-I actually...
I always support the unhoused

- when I can.
- Mm.

Yeah, like... like,
I always put money in the cup,

even though my uncle
tells me not to.

Your uncle tells you
not to donate?

Yeah, he, uh... he thinks

that homeless people
aren't really homeless,

or... or unhoused.

Um, like... like, he thinks
they're just doing it

to avoid taxes.

You know, he's saying
that they get all that money,

and they don't have to give
any to the government,

which is technically true,
but everything's, like,

a conspiracy theory for him,
you know?

Every day I'm with him at work,

and he's just saying
all this crazy shit,

and I got to defend people.

Like, that's
what I'm doing, just...

- SARAH: Yeah.
- Defending people.

SARAH: Ramy, I'm so surprised

that you're still working
with him.

I always thought that was
something you were doing

till you, like,
figured something else out.

- [both chuckle]
- Yeah, I-I-I thought so, too,

but, um... but I'm good at it,

and in the last couple years,

my... my parents
have really needed the money,

and... and so it's been good

to... to actually make some.

And we're growing it.
It... it... it's wild.

Like, there's this supplier
on the block.

They don't work with anybody,
and they might work with us.

- Whoa, great.
- RAMY: Yeah, it's complicated.

Like, there's all this stuff
they want.

You know, they... they get
a cut of everything we make,

and I got to go to Israel
to meet them if... if we do it.

Well, you're not going, right?

- I don't... I mean...
- SARAH: Aren't you BDS?

I mean, your uncle is,
obviously.

We... we... we work with a lot of
people, an... and so it's, uh...

Look, I-I went on birthright.

I saw how they pretend
like nothing's happening

in the settlements.
RAMY: No, I-I-I know,

but I'm not gonna go...
I'm not gonna go, like,

meet with the government
or something.

- [chuckles]
- It's just people.

- Uh-huh.
- Like, that would be like

if... if someone judged us
just 'cause,

you know, Trump or some shit.

SARAH: Well, they kind of can.

I mean, a lot of people love
everything that man said.

- [chuckles]
- Right.

I-I just think that maybe
if people worked together,

that's how change can happen.

Do you really believe that?

- I don't know, okay?
- I-I just... I'm not really

in a situation
where I can be nonprofit.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying that everything
that you're doing is amazing,

and you don't have to worry
about making money.

[scoffs] Yeah, and... and you
think that's the only reason

- I care about people?
- That's not what I'm saying.

I'm... I'm just saying
it's like anything, right?

Like... like eating organic?

Yeah, obviously, but
it's expensive.

Most people can't afford that.

Yeah, I'm not talking
about shopping at Whole Foods.

Anyone can think organic.

That's something
that a rich person would say.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you even like me?

What?

I just don't think you like me,

and I think
you called me to fuck.

Sarah, w-we're just having
a fucking conversation.

- Like, it's not a...
- Yeah, yeah, I don't...

I don't... I'm gonna go.

But, uh, yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles]

[indistinct shouting
in the distance]

Sorry, I, uh,
know this is kind of crazy,

but do you happen to have
an extra cartridge?

RAMY: Um, yeah, actually.
LYNDSEY: Oh, thank you so much.

RAMY: Yeah, no problem.
LYNDSEY: Can I get you a drink?

RAMY: No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm good, thanks.

- Cool necklace, man.
- I love Arabic.

- Uh, thanks.
- Yeah, my, um...

- My company makes them.
- [speaking Arabic]

- Yeah, that... tha...
- That's cool, man.

IAN: It's really fine print,
though.

- I can't read it all.
- It's... it's Quran.

- It's called the Fatiha.
- Ah.

- That's a banger.
- That's why you don't drink.

- Yeah.
- LYNDSEY: I've actually been

doing some sun salutations
for my own faith...

Really similar to your rituals.

RAMY: Okay, yeah, what... what...
What faith is that?

I'm a witch.

Okay.

Yeah.
[clears throat]

I feel like people don't get us.

Sorry, uh, us?

Both our groups
are so misunderstood.

Yeah, uh, when...

When, uh...
When did you become a-a witch?

During the pandemic.

Yeah, yeah,
'cause I-I kind of...

I kind of feel like
it's not the same...

Like, any of it, really.

Like, I don't... I don't
really see how it's the same...

Like, I don't, you... like,
you didn't really grow up

with that feeling like
everything you did

was gonna send you
to hell, right?

Did you have that?

Do witches have guilt
about anything, or...

did you grow up thinking,
like, entire groups of people

- and countries hated you, or...
- No, I-I...

Oh, well, no, right, 'cause
you just became a witch, right?

Like, you just woke up one day,

and you were like,
"I'm a witch,"

an... and now we're the same,
like, we have the same...

Wha... what have you... what? What
have you guys been through,

like, the witch community?

Like, the... like, Salem?
Is that the thing?

Like, that really
fucked you guys up, or?

But I don't... I don't even...
I don't even blame you.

Like, if... if I grew up the way

that you did,
I-I-I'd believe in magic.

Like, I'm sure
everything you wanted, you got.

So, fuck, yeah.
I would think that I was,

- like, Harry Potter, honestly.
- Habibi...

RAMY: Yeah, I'm not...
I'm not your habibi, bro.

- Take a breath.
- [inhales deeply]

Think about that passage
on your neck.

Oh, this isn't the Fatiha.
This is Ayat Al-Kursi.

Yeah, don't
fucking touch me, dude.

- No, no, no, I know.
- It's fine Arabic print.

I can understand
why you might've...

Dude, I told you
not to fucking...

LYNDSEY: [gasps]

[patrons shouting]

Fucking let go of me, man.

Shh.

It's okay, habibi.

[door slams]

Mom...

why's Dad sleeping on the couch?

- He's comfortable.
- Don't worry about it.

Everything is okay.

Here.
[speaking Arabic]

[lively music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

SINGER: [singing in Arabic]

♪ ♪