Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (2004–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - La Lanterna - full transcript

A great little Italian restaurant
in a wealthy town, charming staff,

top food, happy customers.

Well, that's the dream.

But this is La Lanterna.

And it's going down the pan fast.

How long?

I don't know how long.

These are all out of fucking order.

Chef/Proprietor, Alex Scott, is so
worried about his business

that he hasn't slept for four
months.

She asked for king prawns.



Bollocks. Fucking shit.

His best mate, Gavin, runs front of
house, but he hasn't got a clue.

You as a Maitre'd
are fucking useless.

The food's expensive,
the restaurant's empty most nights,

and Alex is losing
more than a grand a week.

Quit now.

If I can't turn this
business around then the lights

will go out at Lanterna for good.

It's fucking wake-up time.

Just 20 miles north of London,
Letchworth is Britain's

first garden city.

Slap-bang in the middle
of town is Lanterna.

Get Ashley doing this one,
get Ashley to do it.

It's run by British born and bred
Alexander Scott.



Right, hurry up.

From an early age
Alex dreamt of being a chef.

Squeeze lemon juice on it
and pour olive oil over it.

Then childhood holidays in Italy
turned him into a self-confessed

Italianphile, so much so he's
taken to calling himself Alexandro.

I think I'm a pretty decent chef.
I know there's a lot worse,

and I do take a lot of pride in what
I do.

I'd like to get to the stage where
we've got a really

good reputation, where people
travel from 60 miles

to come here for a meal, and we
have got a really, really good name,

like Gordon, or Jamie or
one of these other fellas.

Helping him realise his Italian
dream is Polish sidekick

Aldonna Novak, but she's got more
attitude than aptitude.

Listen to me.
Come back for a mixed salad, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fungi, can I have a little trolley,
yeah?

I try to do everything I can to try
and build the business up.

Everything that I can possibly think
of and it's just not worked.

Employing friends and
ex-air-hostess girlfriend Emily

has proved to be a dangerous
mix of business and pleasure.

OK, you're cancelling.

I've remortgaged my house again

to inject some
money into the business.

I took out another personal loan and
sort of beefed up my credit cards,

but how long can we last?

La Lanterna.

With debts of more than a £180,000

Alex is on the verge of
losing everything he's got.

Hmm, looks quite nice from outside.

That's why I'm here,
to find out what's gone wrong.

Chef?

Morning, chef. Nice to see you.

How are you?

Very well thank you.

Good. And this is it?

It is.

And, God, it's small.

Poky.

Yeah, very poky.
Al Scott, executive chef.

I like those. How many to the team?

Er, in the kitchen? Two of us.

Two? So that's why you're an
executive? What's with the flags?

Italian and English.

< Italian and English?

Yeah.

< That's the style of food, is it?

It is Eng... Er, Italian.

Italian? And you're from...Italy?

England.

< Oh, England?

I've always worked in an Italian
kitchen so I just learnt...

the language, learned
the style of cooking.

So lots of Italian ingredients?

Yeah.

Where are the courgettes from?

Er, from our butcher from
London this morning, but..

Courgettes from a butcher?

Yes.

And where are the peppers from?

Tescos.

< Tescos?

They're cheaper.

< Cheaper? So, courgettes from the
butcher,

peppers from Tescos...
Lemons from Sardinia?

Cash and Carry.

So so far I've seen
fuck all Italian.

It's Saturday, the only busy night
at Lanterna,

and a chance for me to take a close
look

at Alex's authentic Italian kitchen.

What's that there?

That's bechamel which is used
for the cannelloni...

Packet bechamel sauce?

That reminds me of my days as a
hotel commie back in the early '80s.

A successful Italian kitchen has
to understand

the secret of great Italian food.

Simple, fresh Italian ingredients.

What does Donna do in service?

Operate the microwave?

In Alex's kitchen
all the vegetables are pre-cooked

and blasted in the microwave.

Ooh, look, they're everywhere
like Christmas tree decorations.

So stick her on the top shelf and
we've got our fairy!

What turns you on about food,
what makes you excited about food?

Nothing really.

Nothing, eh? Fuck me.

And what did you do in Poland,
were you working as a chef?

I worked in a tax office.

In a tax office?

Yes. Yes.

That's nice.

So, why cooking?

I don't know.

I don't...I don't know.

I don't actually cook.

Great start! A Polish assistant

who won't cook and an English
chef who seemingly can't.

Right, I'll have the
fillet steak for my main course.

But the menu promises modern Italian
cuisine, and at 30 quid a head

it's got to be good
to keep the customers coming back.

Nice, if you like matchmakers.

Maybe I'll have a game of dominoes.

The packet Grossini matches

the decor, straight out of a
1980s fake Italian Tretoria.

To see what Alex is made of
I've asked him to serve me up

some Italian classics.

First up, fresh minestrone soup.

This should be a star hit
on any Italian menu.

God. Very, very greasy.

Dirty oil slick round the outside.

I'll pass on that one. What is that?
Oh, parsley on the stalk.

Next, Salsiccia Legano,

fresh Italian sausages baked in
white wine, served on garlic bread.

Oh, dear.

Dear, oh, dear. And it looks like
two penises doused in parsley.

I almost like feel I've gone back
to sort of 1982

where every other restaurant in the
high street was an Italian rip-off.

We're now in the 21st Century and
he's still serving crap like this.

Fucking disgusting.

Even worse,
the Amaretto cake is bought in.

Unfortunately not quite defrosted,
slightly frozen in the centre.

Oh, dear, dear.

This is about as authentic as
a fucking Chinese take-away.

'Right, Alexandro.'

You talk passionately about,
you know, Italian ingredients,

authenticity. I saw nothing
Italian, and nothing done with care.

I'm concerned about how long this
place has got

to last, and unfortunately
you delivered fuck all.

And that was way, way, way
below par.

< Do you think this is funny?

No.

< No?

Good, cos I didn't find it funny.

That was upsetting,

< cos that was fucking dire.

Alex may think that I'm his worst
nightmare, but this really is

my idea of kitchen hell.

He's in such meltdown, he's even
let the most basic standards

of hygiene slip.

You think he'd have cleaned up.
I mean, it wasn't as if

he didn't know I was coming.

There's no excuse for filth as
bad as this.

When was the last time the
place was really properly cleaned?

It gets cleaned
every Friday afternoon.

Yeah? Bullshit.

When was the last time all
the fridges were pulled out?

Pulled out? That was done about two
weeks ago.

What about all the bread rolls
down behind the fridge now?

That's disgusting.

That's Aldonna, where she throws
our bread up into the...

Oh, Aldonna throws
bread up into the basket.

To dry out. >

To dry out for breadcrumbs,
and she misses so it all goes down

the back of the fridge. Dirty lady.

What about this pile of shit here?

What about them?

With the kitchen in this state Alex
risks further damage to Lanterna's

already fragile reputation.

Oh, fucking hell.

It's never been used.

What about these trays here,
when were they done last?

'He could even be closed down.'

That, if we do that..

Two weeks ago?!

..the oven stops working
when we change that.

Oh, fucking hell. Are you
ever gonna tell me the truth?

It does.

Don't worry about the
oven breaking, yeah?

That's replaceable.

Giving the customer fucking
food poisoning is not. Yeah?

Yeah.

Look. Look at that in there,
that is gross.

That is fucking disgusting.

Everywhere you turn in this kitchen
there's another surprise. Look.

Mussels on the floor.
Stuff everywhere.

Produce just left going
mouldy again.

And then there's a Pot Noodle
on there.

Who the fuck is eating Pot Noodles?

God almighty.

There's 60 customers out there.

I am so fucking glad they can't see
where their food's coming from,

how it's cooked and what the fuck
is going on here,

cos it's a mess and it's a fucking
embarrassment. Fucking disgusting.

Oh, my God,
that is taking the fucking piss.

Fucking hell.

It's my second day at Lanterna,
where I'm trying to drag it back

from the depth of despair.

Alex told me he's tried everything
he can to save the business.

RADIO: 'Their new head chef,
Alexander,

'promises exceptional food
and an enjoyable evening.

'Lanterna, when only
the very best will do.'

Fuck me,
"Only the very best will do"?

The kitchen's a fucking
dirty, filthy mess.

Exquisite, classic Italian food?

God, what a fucking spook.

Radio ad? It's going to
take a lot more than that

to get this place back on track.

When was the last time
the fridges were done?

< Last week.

What is that?

That's finished with from Saturday
night, that's just a special order.

Jesus Christ!

'I'm shocked by
the levels of hygiene here.'

I wouldn't even serve that to
a fucking pig, you know?

I know.

'Alex isn't following
the basic rules.'

It's got to be immaculate
no matter what you're doing,

from a bacon sandwich to a fucking
tortellini of fucking goat's cheese.

'Ovens should be cleaned
after every service.

'The floors should be spotless,
and leftover food thrown away

'or stored in
clearly labelled containers.'

Whose fingers have been in there?

I need to throw this stuff away
because I'm nervous.

Yeah?

Fucking shit.

'With standards this low, Alex's
kitchen could be closed down.'

KNOCKING

Who's there?

Environmental health. Morning.

< Morning, mate.

Environmental health?

No.

Damn.

Pest control.

Fuck me, do we need you. Come in.

Yeah, he knows what he's got to do. >

'One saving grace - they've never
had rats or mice in this kitchen.

'But there is one
pest I'd like to control.

'That's Alex.

'He's been scurrying around in his
own mess for far too long.'

Can you see where we are now?
I've had a very embarrassing dinner,

the place is in a mess,
you've taken your eye off the ball

and we've really
got to get this thing back up.

< Let's get all that cleaned.

With a clean kitchen,
I can focus on the main problem -

Alex's cooking.

It's clearly a really fraudulent
imitation of 1970s Italian crap.

When you walk into a kitchen
and spot a bottle of lazy lemon

it means lazy bastard,
nothing more.

I don't know where to fucking
start with the food, you know,

because I want to try
and install that freshness

and give it a sense
of an Italian style, influence.

But Italian food wasn't built up
on frozen food run under water.

Quite frankly, all I've seen
you do so far is reheat things.

'The food's rubbish but I need to
see how he gets it on the plate.

'I've never seen a chef

'work at this breakneck speed
and yet achieve so little.'

'Cor, fucking hell!'

He's got energy, but it's just
channelled in the wrong direction.

He's actually
jumping around doing fuck all.

He looks fucking busy but he's
actually cooking shit, badly.

How's my Red Bull?

'With a diet of five Red Bulls
a day, Alex is so wired

'he bashes out the food as
though his life depends on it.

'Most of his food comes in frozen
or from a packet and I know why.

'He's lazy.

'Instead of getting ready for his
customers he'd rather play golf

'and rock up an hour before service
with his mate, Gavin Squires.'

There's a woman come in claiming
she's got a table booked for seven.

How many's booked now, Gavin? >

We'll need to double count...

'Gavin is the restaurant manager -
the face of Lanterna.'

Does he know what he's doing?

I've only booked eight o'clock.

We think we may have
got the wrong place.

'It looks like the dining room is
operated with about as much finesse

'as the kitchen.'

You want to run it
as an Italian restaurant.

30 years ago I could understand
why this exists, but not now.

Quite frankly, it's not going any
further, is it? Nowhere near it.

Not with those, yeah?

< That.

Those, yeah?

I was taught to cook by a
well-respected Italian chef.

< That's total bullshit, because
there is nothing Italian there.

< Nothing anywhere.

'Alex tells me this well-respected
chef is still in the area.

'Maybe he can shed some light on
the source of Alex's inspiration.'

Are you Mario?

Yes.

The famous chef?

Well, sort of.

Yeah, you taught Alex
everything he knew, is that right?

Yeah.

Did you introduce him to bechamel
and demi-glace and Marsala.

Yeah. Erm...

So it was you?

Well, I'm the responsible one.
Did something go wrong?

Fucking hell, Mario, where
do you want me to start?

'It turns out Alex spent his
formative years with Mario,

'known as Hertfordshire's
king of the trattorias.'

It obviously went well
cos now you're a taxi driver.

No, it got to the stage where
I was fed up with the kitchen.

If it doesn't work out for Alex,

I suppose I can come
and bring him to the rank?

Yeah.

Cos his food's fucking rank.

Yeah, see?

But he's a lousy driver as well.

He's a lousy driver as well?

I'll let you get back to your rank.

Thank you very much.

They're very soft those hands,
they're like babies' bottoms.

Ciao, Mario.

'It seems the extent of Alex's
knowledge of Italian cuisine

'stretches no further than Luton.

'Alex needs to relaunch the
restaurant with a fresh identity.

'But a new image costs money and
Alex is at the end of his tether.'

How do you pay yourself?

I haven't paid myself
a wage for four months.

Bloody hell.

Is your business on the line
of going bust?

Oh, absolutely.
It's very much so on the line.

I'll lose everything. >

It's all tied up in the business
so if it goes wrong, I get nothing.

'Alex's past seems full of
bad financial decisions.

'After just two weeks of running
Lanterna, success went to his head,

'and instead of getting his cooker
fixed he spent £46,000 on a new car.

'With no spare cash, Alex can't
afford to turn the business around.'

Can you fucking slow down a bit,
please, I'm feeling sick.

Why on earth did you buy it?

Truthfully? Er, I love cars.

Do you think you've got
your priorities right?

Look down at the numberplate.
Do you have a small dick?

No, not at all. Got a big dick.

You don't need a car
to get to work.

No.

You live above the restaurant.
New commitments. Big responsibility.

Then you go and splash out
on a fucking car.

Yeah.

We've got to recuperate money back
to keep the business open.

Absolutely.

So we've got to sell it. >

If you had the choice of keeping
the car and closing the business,

cos that's what's gonna happen...

Yeah. Lose the car
and keep my business.

'At last,
he's got his priorities right.

'With the car up for sale, I've got
him a good deal on a new cooker.'

Need to get 38 for it
to clear the finance.

Shit.

Maybe I can ring around and see if
we can get rid of that numberplate.

Now, let's think of a
fucking grade-A, class-A chef.

Hi, Antony.

I need some help, please?

'I have a lot of respect for
TV chef Antony Worrall Thompson.'

'Not really my cup of tea, Gordon.'

Not your cup of tea?
I didn't think it would be.

And we know you're not in
need of a penis extension.

'Well, quite.'

Erm, you're not interested?

'Jean-Christophe Novelli, he's
got a massive ego, hasn't he now?'

I'll give him a call! >

Hi, JC. Please.
No, listen, I'm trying to sell it.

Hold on a minute, I'm only asking.
What's wrong with a private plate?

'With the car and the numberplate
up for sale we can move forward.

'Time to get Alex to do something he
hasn't done for a very long time -

'I want him to start cooking.'

This is a way of taking all your
frustrations out in your grissini.

'Alex needs all the help he can get,

'and I want to see if any of his
kitchen staff have hidden talents.'

I want each of you to make a pizza.

Whoever has the best-tasting pizza,

we'll put it on the menu tonight
as a special.

'I've discovered that Joe, the
porter, has trained as a cook.'

< Explain yours to me.

Pepper. Mushroom and cheese.

Tomato sauce, tomatoes,
onion and cheese.

< And chef Alex?

Artichokes, green peppers, black
olives and Parma ham and basil.

You flash bastard.
OK, Joe, here we go.

Do you want to come into our
restaurant to try some pizza?

Yeah, go on then.

Thank you.
Joe, explain what we've done.

We've just made these
amazing pizzas.

Would you come in
and just taste them with us?

Bring on the pizza, Alexander.
And I bet you're a vegetarian.

I am.

We have a vegetarian pizza.
How long have you been vegetarian?

Hmm, about eight years.

Oh, God.

'What I didn't realise
was that Aldonna put Parma ham

'on the base of her mozzarella
and tomato pizza.'

Carla, which one did
you actually prefer?

The last one that I tried.

The last one?

I'd go for that one.

The mozzarella one?

Unfortunately that's got lots
of mozzarella and tomato,

but underneath that is Parma ham.

Oh, no, that was mean.

I didn't know that. This is
the lady who made them. Aldonna.

Come here. >

There you go, see, well done.

I've never made pizza in my life.

You've converted a vegetarian.

I'm sorry.

OK. Would you like some more?

No, thank you.

Come on!
There's nothing wrong with you!

See you later.

< Take care.
Good luck with the Vegemite.

'Fresh food on the menu marks
a new start for Lanterna.

'But it's gonna be a
huge step for Alex.'

Goodbye, plastics. Jesus, look at
that. People are eating that.

It's so strong, the demi-glace,
it's not going down the sink.

'I'm banning all traces of
plastic sauces from the premises.

'Now Alex will have to
cook from fresh.

'In an attempt to slow Alex down,

'I'm cutting his menu by half.'

Why are there three chicken dishes?

Er, just for variation.
I want to give them more choice.

Well, I've seen all three
and I think they're all shit,

they're all clogged with the same
fucking sauce. Two of them can go.

< And I'm not doing that
to put you in the shit,

but you are in a position
to rejuvenate those customers,

put some freshness and excitement
into your customers, you know that?

Yeah.

'With a limited menu and some new
dishes, tonight is Alex's big chance

'to prove to me that
he's capable of cooking from fresh.

'It's something I'd expect
one of my most junior chefs

'to pull off without a hitch.'

Check on. One prawn cocktail,
two Parmigiana, one soup.

First table's in.
So normally Alex goes like this.

Jesus Christ. Everyone gets really
dizzy. "First table. Oh, shit.

"Damn! Fuck! Damn!"

Slow down. I want to really make
sure you stay nice and calm, yeah?

We'll show some composure now, yeah?

But the kitchen's
only half the story.

For the evening to run smoothly

the dining room's got to be
well managed by the maitre d'.

The specials... Sorry, excuse me...

But the maitre d'
is Alex's best mate.

It's Gavin's first job
as a restaurant manager

and I don't think he's got a clue.

We've a couple of portions left. >

Very nice. I did have that
for dinner before I started. >

Highly recommended. OK? >

It doesn't help that Gavin's
supported front of house

by Emily, Alex's girlfriend.

The chicken was cold.

It was 70 degrees when I probed it.

What do you want me to do? Anything?

Nothing. It wasn't cold.

Her only experience of serving food
is seven years as an air hostess.

That's why I probe everything.

You are the maitre d', aren't you?
You're running the place.

You've got to get some authority
around you, some presence. >

Look at those profiteroles there.

< That's how big
your bollocks should be.

That big.
Now, find them and fucking use them.

Drizzle. Enough.

Alex. Nice and calm?

Yeah, actually.

'Alex isn't doing too badly. But
soon Gavin is way out of his depth.'

He should be taking orders now, no?
Huh?

What is he doing out there?

Gavin's managed to get 60 people
booked in for tonight.

But he's allowed 40 of them
to arrive at the same time.

I think we're gonna be in the shit
in ten minutes' time.

In the fucking dogshit.

Any manager worth his weight
should know he's got to stagger

the bookings to keep a steady flow
of orders coming into the kitchen.

< Are you OK now?

Yeah.

Yeah? Good. You don't look it.

Shit.

Scrape off that little bit... >

Yeah, OK. Put it up there
and call it out.

What?

What is it? Tell me what it is.

Two pasta, erm...

< Fucking hell, here we go again.

Oh, no!

Let's do another one.

'Under pressure, all Alex's bad
habits come flooding back.

These are all out of fucking order.

'The first time in his entire career
he's actually had to cook properly,

'and it's pretty obvious
he can't do it.

'Completely in the shit
and he's lost it big time.'

Which one next?

'Nothing together.'

She asked for king prawns.

I've got a good mind to get that
number plate off that fucking car

and stick it up his arse sideways.

Get the starter.

'Alex and Gavin are like
two little boys

'playing at running a restaurant.'

It'll never work like this.

I hate saying it, but...

so close to cowboys, you know that?

Quit now.

Yeah.

Put the restaurant up for sale.

'I'm more than halfway
through my week at Lanterna,

'but last night's attempt at putting
freshly-cooked food on the menu

'proved a total disaster.

'Alex has a long way to go
if he's going to become

'a half-decent Italian chef.

'And his mate Gavin gives
an equally pathetic performance.'

It's just so frustrating when
you show them time and time again

the perfect opportunity

for a great local Italian eatery
in the middle of a very wealthy town

and you can make such
a great business out of it,

but I don't know if they've got it.

You jumped up little fucking prick,
who the fuck do you think you are

because you as a maitre d'
are fucking useless.

I've done it to upset you,
so come back to me!

'I'm going to have
to teach Gavin how to get tough

'if he's going to have any
authority...'

Tell me exactly
what you think right now.

'..with his staff
and his customers.'

Get it out!

I'm not ready for this.

Look, there's no-one here!
For fuck's sake,

we're in the
middle of a field.

You've got to have authority,
and customers have got to walk

in there looking for you,
and you've got to get a reputation.

Yet at the moment I just see this

sort of little
lost boy moping around.

And there's things going
on in that dining room

that you should be aware of,
yet you're totally clueless.

I'm really nervous that
you're not supporting Alex properly.

I want you to start getting angry.

Right.

Why did you send that?

Stop, that sounds like
a fucking dickhead in a choir.

'The golden rule
in any dining room -

'you have to be
in control of your staff.'

What the fuck do you think you're
doing you fucking idiot! Like that.

'And not let your staff control
you.'

Why was that food taken?

That's not good enough.

You sound like
a right fucking limp dick.

What the fuck are
you doing taking the food

to table six, not table seven?

(You fucking idiot.)

You fucking idiot, can you not
read the order in the kitchen?

Excellent!

'Gavin needs to gain the respect
of his team,

'then he can start running
the restaurant with a bit of flair.'

Good! Now you've
really found your bollocks.

Give it all this time.

OK. What are you doing you

stupid idiot, where's your fucking
brain tonight, is it up your arse?

'During last night's service
Alex looked a right mess.'

One less thing for Gordon
to have a whinge at me for.

See if he notices.

(LAUGHS)

I think you're a dirty fucker,
show me your fingernails.

Ooh, fucking hell.
I want you looking immaculate.

Smartening up and just lifting
that whole sort of image.

Any chance
of giving him a quick clean up?

Yes, that's fine.

Just don't go too
close in case it bites.

'With a fresh, clean Alex, I want
a fresh, clean look for the menu.

'Alex has confessed that he doesn't
eat fresh fruit, vegetables or fish.

'If we're ever going to make this
restaurant work I've got to get him

'to develop a better sense of taste
for decent food.'

Get the fucking blindfolds on.

'I'm putting swordfish on
the new menu and I want Alex

'to choose the pasta
that will be served with it.'

And you look younger
with that gone.

A lot younger. Right, first one.
Quite interesting, this one.

'We're starting with
a strong blue cheese.'

There you go. Open wide. Thank you.

There you go, nice fine noodles.

< Gavin?

I had a hint of light,
pesto-y type.

< Light pesto-y?

Basil, nut, walnut.

Nutty? I think you're fucking nutty.

This is an intriguing one,
the second one.

You can actually smell
what's on there. Open wide.

'Next up, fresh herbs
and olive oil.'

Definitely freshly chopped
herbs in there, not dried.

Fresh chopped herbs?
That's interesting. Not dried?

That's not bad.

Finally, something
I found lurking in Alex's larder.

OK, this one tastes spicy.

So, erm?

That was very nice.

Yeah?

Very tomatoey.

Uh-huh.

More saucy then they other
two, but still very nice.

Out of all three pastas which one
would you serve with the swordfish?

I'd say the last one.

Yeah, I think the last one.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

'Alex's tastebuds have been sullied
by plastic sauces for too long.'

The last one was a fucking
Pot Noodle.

A curried Pot Noodle.

Pot Noodle!

'I've got to awaken his senses and
give him a standard to aim towards.

'Since I first met him

'Alex has blamed everything but
himself for his lack of success.'

'So I'm taking him
to a neighbourhood restaurant

'that's sustained a great reputation
for 14 years,

'based on simple Italian cooking.'

This chef's been here since, um,

the opening, Francesca.
Morning, gentlemen.

Morning.

How are you?

Very well.
Good to see you.

Alex has got a small, how would
you call it - modern Italian?

Yeah.

Plastic Italian
restaurant in Letchworth.

For me the most important thing is
to look at the size of this kitchen.

This is smaller than yours.

You don't need a big kitchen
to prepare good food.

No. You've got one stove there.

What's the secret behind
Italian cuisine? What is it?

Simplicity.

Simplicity, the freshness
of ingredient. That's all.

And no Pot Noodles, no?

No, no. No frozen food either.

No frozen food? Hmm.

We've got
piglet in the oven at the moment.

Oh, lovely. Piglet, lovely.

Very simple, rosemary, garlic,
fennel seeds.

Nice. And how are you serving that?

Er, just with roast potatoes.

We do a very light gravy.

And do you use any Bechamel sauce?

No.

I've been in here five minutes,
I am starving!

Thank you.

'I want Alex to taste the difference
between his frozen bought-in Ravioli

'and something the Italian kitchen
can be proud to serve.'

I want you to taste this.

Yeah?

Really nice, fresh, flavour.

< Clean.

Clean. Anything stuck to
the roof of your mouth?

No. No stodge. No stodge.

The mustard is there,
really nice sage butter.

Are you capable of
doing something like this?

Definitely. Absolutely.

But do you really want to do it?

I really want to do it.

Am I wasting my fucking time?

Not at all. You'll see a difference.

This has been a big wake up call

and it's gonna get me into focus,
and get things to how it should be

and get things working again.

But I'm quite nervous
because I think you'll let it

fall through your fingers.

It will work, it's not an option.

But if you don't wake up
what will you do?

I will wake up.

I will stick at it.

I hope you do it.

I will.

But I don't think you will.

I'm telling you that
in order for you to prove me wrong.

I will prove you wrong.

And before we go -
you're a great chef aren't you?

Nice car.

Nice car, what about
the number plate,

can I sell you the number plate?
A1CHEF? How much is it going for?

The car?

No, the fucking number plate.

Eighteen hundred.

So would you
have a private number plate?

No.

Even though you're an A1 chef?
You still wouldn't have a plate?

No.

So what the fuck are you
doing with it on your car?

Alex has had his car and number
plate up for sale for the last week

and we're praying
for some good news.

Oh, shit. Unfortunately
your item did not sell.

I was rather hoping
we could get rid of it today.

Yeah.

'It's not the result
Alex was hoping for.

'But with Lanterna
in desperate need of a revamp,

'I want to show him it's possible
to change the look

'without spending lots of money.

'The interior was designed
by Alex's girlfriend, Emily.'

We've got rustic
brickwork down the end.

'But her ideas seem to
be based on dodgy hotels

'she's stayed in
as a charter flight air hostess.'

With a couple of tins of paint
we can rid Lanterna

of its 1980s trattoria look.

I don't think you should touch it.

Right. Well, we'll go with
Emily's, she's the...

Whose restaurant is it?

Alex's.
It's Alex's restaurant.

As Emily's last choice is ghastly,

I think she should have less
of an involvement next time round.

You don't trust me
because the last colour...

It's not that I don't trust you,

there needs to be a substantial
improvement.

'Emily wants pale walls.'

Alex, it's your restaurant.

I'd like it darker.

Get your goolies out
and make a decision.

I'd like to have it darker.

'It's Lanterna's first birthday
tomorrow and a perfect opportunity

'to re-launch the restaurant.

'But in order to make it work,

'Alex has to be completely
committed to his kitchen.'

It's really exciting
making nice home-made soups.

Think of Italian restaurants
and you think "home-made."

I'm replacing the disgusting

Minestrone soup
for rich Tuscan bean soup instead.

So have a quick look at the menu.

Good. Aldonna read the menu.

'I've slimmed down the menu from a
three page epic to a simple handful

'of classic Italian dishes,
all freshly cooked by Alex.'

Now look at the colour of it.

What do you think of the prices?

'And I've cut his prices
to give value for money.

'Not something Alex
has ever been familiar with.'

And that sets you up with 15 to 20
portions of soup at £4 a portion,

that's £80 return.

Now, you've got to put 12-15
minutes of love into it.

That's fuck all, you know that?

'I want Alex to have every
chance of making it a success.'

That we get rid of.

See how elegant that is, nice and
white. Gavin, what do you reckon?

I much prefer it in white.

The paper tablecloths cost next
to nothing, and the paintings come

courtesy of a local art college.
Alex, what do you think?

It's the fucking bollocks, isn't it?
This looks great, absolutely great.

'With a fully-booked restaurant for
the re-launch comes Alex's chance

'to forge a new reputation.'

OK, guys, big night, new menu, yeah?

Lots of exciting, fresh ingredients.

New dining room. So walk around
with a little bit of grace

and put a bit of passion into it,
as if you really want it.

'This is
Lanterna's last bite at the cherry.'

OK, Tuscan bean soup. Very simple.

'If Alex and his troops can
remember what I've taught them

'then there's just the chance
tonight might be a success.'

Can we just highlight the bottom
of the menu here.

"The first anniversary
of Lanterna Restaurant.

"From now on Alessandra Scott
will not be using microwaves

"or synthetic sauces."
And I so fucking mean that.

OK, ready?

Yeah.

Let's go. Good luck.

Just really hoping that
I don't make any mistakes.

I really want to get it right.
I want Gordon

to say, yeah, you did good.

We're OK. OK is good.

Alex has got all the right
ingredients here

to make a bloody good business,
but can he pull it off? Fuck knows.

On order, one sausages, one soup.

Main courses, one pollo,
two swordfish.

Yes, chef.

Yes, chef.

That's better.

No, no, no, just gently, gently.

'We've filled the dining room
with Letchworth's local dignitaries,

'but as the guests start piling
in...'

One soup, one po...

'The cracks in Alex's cooking
begin to show.'

So two sausages, yeah? Yeah?

Come on guys. Just don't let it go
pear-shaped now.

If you take some gravy ready,
but then start doing the veg,

yeah?
Start doing..

Table 13 are waiting
a long time for their starter.

Donna, are you almost
ready with the veg?

I've got eight potatoes.

Yeah, how long? I don't know!

Keep it together, yes?
Laura, how's everybody out there?

What are they saying about the food?

Don't know.

I mean, we've been in here now an
hour and a half and find it slow.

We're not a lot of very happy
bunnies at the moment, I don't think.

An hour and fifteen minutes
and we've had an olive.

Can we re-order
and have breakfast instead?

Bollocks. Fucking shit.

'Alex seems to be falling
at the first hurdle.'

INDISTINCT

< Alex?

Yeah.

< Talk to Aldonna.

I'm a bit lost at the moment.

I know, I know. I know you're lost,

but you've just gone really,
really, really quiet, you know that?

Aldonna?

What?

I keep repeating everything.

'There's only one man
who can get us out of this mess

'and help salvage
Lanterna's reputation.'

Can you get me Gavin, please?
Right, Gavin.

Kitchen's in the shit,
yeah, that's pretty obvious.

It's a big night, the night
we shouldn't be in the shit.

Yeah, how many linguini
have you sold?

I don't think many at all.

Yeah, we haven't sold one yet.

< Yeah? So in order to help
the kitchen,

start pushing the linguini a bit

so we can take weight
off Alex's shoulders.

Push the soup as well,

so we can really start
flying the starters out.

OK, sure.

Let's go.

'I want Gavin to show some bottle.

'If he can motivate his team

'and start selling
the ready-prepared specials,

'that'll take the pressure off Alex
and get the kitchen back on track.'

Well done. Let me just tell you,
you've actually sold

another four portions.
Hey, well done.

Yeah? Welcome back.
What did we discuss in the field

the other day about having what?

Balls?

Coolio. Yeah, profiterole balls,
exactly. Have you found them?

Excellent. Anyway, well done.
You just made the restaurant,

yeah, another 15 quid.

'By Gavin pushing the specials, it's
given Alex some space to calm down

'and start cooking
like a proper chef.'

One blue. Ooh la-la, blue.

Get this one right.
Especially on a night like tonight.

After the last 2.5 hours
of fucking mayhem, yeah?

'With the right
sort of encouragement,

'he might just pull it off.'

I bet you overcook it.

Bet I don't.

I bet you fucking do.
I'm apologising now because Alex

will overcook the blue steak again.
OK?

Sorry. Grazie.

'It's hardly dinner
at the Cipriani, but it's not bad.'

One blue.

'And the customers
are liking it too.'

Nice.

Very nice. Good.

'I never thought I'd say it,

'but thanks to Gavin's
new-found confidence,

'the Letchworth boys have come good.

'Rome wasn't built in a day,

'but at least I've brought Alex

'kicking and screaming
into the 21st century.'

Very good.

< Excellent, yeah.

Timing's a little bit slow,
but otherwise very good.

Yeah, it's been excellent.

Tonight was a bit different,
something a bit different about it.

The sauce, you know, it was just...
It was excellent.

Happy first birthday.

Yeah.

May your second be even better.

Em, Emily,
happy with the dining room?

Yes.

That is a pathetic answer.
That means, "No, I fucking hate it."

I've asked Alex to make sure

you don't get a paintbrush
in your hand again.

Stop it!

< Profiterole man?

I'll take you down
that field again, you know that?

Right, say it to me once more.

What, the whole lot?

The whole fucking lot.

The whole fucking lot?

The whole fucking lot.

Are you sure?

I'm positive,
in front of your colleagues.

Where's your fucking brain tonight,
is it up your fucking arse?

Why the fuck did you take table
six's order to table seven,

you stupid wanker?

That's fantastic.

LAUGHTER

'I really want them to succeed,
but it'll take a lot of commitment

'and hard work to make
this place a real success.'

Right. Cheers, guys.

Cheers.

Chin-chin.

Cheers!

< Oh, you smooth bastard.

Oh, my God!

'Six weeks later, and I can't wait
to see how things are going.'

Very well, how are you?

I thought, "What's going on?"

< I dreamt about you last night.

You had a dream
about me last night?

Yes. You killed me.

I killed you?
You're not wrong there.

'When I first visited, I found
chef proprietor Alex Scott
living in a dream world.'

I don't know how long.

'He believed he was
a talented Italian chef,

'but his kitchen was filthy.'

I wouldn't even serve that to
a fucking pig, you know that?

'The food was dire and overpriced.'

Fucking disgusting.

'To make matters worse,
his restaurant manager Gavin
was a wimp.'

You as a maitre d'
are fucking useless.

'No wonder Alex was drowning in debt
and about to lose his home

'and his business.'

I've never worked like this.

So close to cowboys, you know that?

'After a week of hard slog,
Lanterna was

'given the potential to become
a great neighbourhood restaurant.'

Look at that swordfish.

'Now I'm back to see if my time at
Lanterna had any lasting effect.'

Excuse me, you don't walk in. And
after the way you shouted at me...

< I'm sorry.

I thought at least you'd
make a bit of presence.

How are you?

Yeah. No, louder.

How are you, are you OK?

Bollocks, crap.
Come on, you fucker.

Where the fuck have you been
the last fucking two months?

We've hung around waiting for you,
you lazy fucking bastard.

How are you?

Not so bad, thank you.

Good to see you.
That's better. Excellent.

Where's Aldonna's Christmas tree of
vegetables? They've all gone now?

Everything's done to order. >

'Thank God the revolting overcooked
vegetables are off the menu.'

The whole staff enthusiasm's lifted.

And you look cleaner.
Show me your nails.

< Not bad. Have you been stuck
in a car wash for three weeks?

I feel refreshed, reinvented.
I'm happy about what I'm doing.

Cooker gets done every morning.

'I can't believe what I'm seeing.'

It gets stripped down. >

Open those oven doors.
Show me. Surprise me, Alex.

Not bad. What's that in there?

That's my mix for my almond tart.

Fuck me!

Fuck me. Serious.

'I'm speechless.

'Alex is actually cooking.'

Got my pasta dough in here.

We have ravioli filled
with mushrooms and walnut.

Jesus Christ!

Fucking hell.

Are you all right, yeah?

He surprised me.

He surprised me.

I'm, you know, a little bit...

in shock.

< Thank you.
< I didn't think you were capable.

The amount of time I spend
in the kitchen now is about four
hours more to what I wasdoing.

And the more work and effort
and care you put into food,

the more it hurts
when it goes wrong.

Absolutely. >

So it's an interesting relationship
and it looks like

you've started to really wake up
and understand that bond with food.

Each time I make that ravioli,
I'm improving every time.

Obviously, tasting the food is...

is better and using
the fresh ingredients.

We've talked the talk.
Now I wanna eat the fucking food.

Yeah? Yeah.

'I hope his extra commitment
in the kitchen

'is reflected in the standard
of his food.'

You can close your eyes and actually
count the flavours, the ceps,

the walnuts, the pasta.

Very good.

'I'm pleased to see he's stuck to
a small, very simple Italian menu

'and everything's freshly cooked.'

Hmm, this is the kind of food...

you should be serving.

Real hearty, rustic, wholesome
Italian food, rich with tomatoes,

nice texture in the meatball and
a perfectly cooked linguini. Lovely.

Fuck me.

Is Letchworth ready for Alex Scott?

'Alex has come a long way
since his plastic sauces

'from just six weeks ago.'

Last time you were struggling to
sort of live, survive,

depending on credit cards.
In the shit?

Yeah. Christmas we basically
cleared off all our debts,

all our business and personal debts.

Started afresh, started the year
with a clear bank balance.

Paid off all the backdated rent and
we're standing on our own two feet

and having a good January compared
to everyone else in the area.

'Even though he's still got the car,

'Alex has managed to clear
£20,000 worth of debt.'

A bit calmer in here now, isn't it?

'And can finally afford
to pay himself a wage.'

I might make them proud yet.

'There's still one thing standing
in the way of Alex's success,

'and that's Alex.

'I sincerely hope he doesn't
try to run before he can walk.'

I want Gordon to come back in a year
and say, "Alex, you are an A1 chef."

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Special, delicious.

Unfortunately just, erm,
battered-to-fuck veal.

I will pass that on.

Between then they've
learned how to crack the egg.

Battered to fuck, literally.

He was hoping for this nice big
piece of veal

and there was no texture.

But apart from that, very nice.

But they haven't yet
made the omelette.

You've been, er,
cooking now for six weeks.

That's all I'm gonna say, you're
cooking properly for six weeks.

And it takes years. You know that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Please don't forget that.

Oh, no. It was a big wake-up call
going to Riva,

just woke me up to what can be done
on small premises.

Using fresh ingredients.

What you're saying is that you're
no longer a fucking cowboy?

< Absolutely. A hundred per cent.

So when you think that things
are going perfectly right,

think back
to the days of powdered stock.

Yeah. You always learn, don't you?

And put the shits up yourself,

cos there's going to be no-one here
in five minutes to do that for you.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for
all your help, really appreciate it.

Just one last thing before I go.

Gary? It's Gordon, how are you?

'Gordon!'

Mate, listen, I need a favour.

'Now, Gary Rhodes is truly
an A1 chef.'

I can give it to you for £2,998.

'For that kind of money, I'll sell
you mine, because we're both GR.'

You've got a number plate with...
You haven't got the same, have you?

'I've got 22 GR.'

22 GR.

'There you go.'

Oh, fucking hell!

'Give it to me for less
and I'll think about it.

'500 quid, I'll take it from you.'

OK, mate, 500 quid.

'500 notes, I'll sort it out.'

I'll go for 500 quid and hopefully
we've sold the fucking thing.

Holy mackerel.

I had enough of this!

Hang you upside down
by your bollocks.

We need this place back on track.

We can't cook a fucking burger
in there!