Ralph & Katie (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Valentine's Day - full transcript

MUSIC: It Must Be Love
by Madness

# I never thought I'd miss you

# Half as much

# As I do

# And I never thought I'd feel
this way

# The way I feel

# About you

# As soon as I wake up

# Every night

# Every day

# I know that it's you I need



# To take the blues away

# It must be love

# Love, love. #

CHOIR: # It must be love, love, love

# It must be love, love love

# Nothing more, nothing less

# Love is the best. #

Good. That was really clean.

We can only do so many
a capella numbers, Louise.

We've not got the pitch for it.

Er, speak for yourself, thanks.

It's a great idea, love. I just
don't think we've got the time.

What for?

A Valentine's fundraiser for a new
piano. Oh.



I can handle most of it.

You just need to spread the word.

Are you sure you wanna celebrate
Valentine's this year, after...

..you know?

I'm over Gary now.

Or I will be.

Gary would have said what
you're saying.

"You can't organise a party in
a few days.

"You need to plan ahead, Emma."

And you want to prove him wrong?

Maybe. But you're over him.

I just want to do something nice.

SHE SIGHS
OK.

OK?

OK. Whatever you need,
just let me know.

Thank you. You won't regret this.

I'm a Libra, Louise.
It's in my blood to spread love.

Ooh. What about you,
Danny? You Libra too?

Nah, I'm a bit
Valentine's-intolerant,

to be honest. Danny! Well, it's
a load of rubbish, in't it?

If I fancy someone, I'll tell 'em.

I don't need to wait
till February 14th

to buy some overpriced chocolates
and half-dead flowers.

Well, this is a cheery room.

Tom! Hi, babes.

We're heading off.

The hall is all yours.

Tom, do you remember Danny?
The year above us at school?

Er... yeah! Hi!

You're the one who did
the magic trick

at Miss Brebner's leaving
assembly.

Correct.

Can't forget that.

Tried. Couldn't.

Yeah.

So much blood. Anyway...

And so many ferrets.
Emma, you were saying...

Yes, er, Valentine's Day.

Oh, I love it.

Chocolates, the flowers,
the mystery.

We're throwing a Valentine's
fundraiser.

Monday night, ticket's a tenner

and you get a buffet and a glass of
Prosecco.

Sign me up. Ooh! Our first guest.

Right, come on, hurry up.

Got a gaggle of stagey
eight-year-olds

arriving in ten minutes.

See you Monday.

Good to see you, Danny.
Yeah, yeah, you too.

Everything all right, mate?

Yeah.

CHAT SHOW ON TV

PHONE VIBRATES

Who's that?

Emma. She wants us to do the raffle.

It'll be fun.

Our first Valentine's day as
a married couple.

Did he like Valentine's Day?

Who?

The guy who broke your heart.

Nathan?

Yeah, he did.

Did you love him?

Nathan's in the past.

Are you still in touch?

No. He moved down to Devon.

We wrote letters for a bit.

You coming to bed?

I'll be up in a bit.

I've booked a DJ

and we've got the brewery
throwing in a few kegs

and the pub are sorting us out
with some buffet bits.

Do you want to know how many tickets
we've sold?

Er, I've got a feeling you're going
to tell me. 42! Ah!

I mean, it's a bit sad they didn't
have any other plans, to be honest.

Now, what do you think about
a centrepiece?

Something they won't expect.

Like a fire-breather.

No mime artists, though.

I had a bad experience once in
Covent Garden.

That's why I don't trust London.

HE CHUCKLES

What? No, nothing, nothing.
You're...

..you're good at this.

Gary used to say I was
a bit too much.

Yeah, well, you know my views
on Gary.

You going to come, then?
HE GROANS

Tom'll be there. And?

And he's looking pretty good
these days.

Yeah, he always looked good.
So what?

PHONE VIBRATES

Ooh. It's Ralph.

Code red. Got to go.

OK, so his name's Nathan.
What does that matter?

He's just an ex.

You had a girlfriend before
Katie, right?

Yeah.

I didn't love her.

She didn't send me letters from
Devon.

Well, no, but probably because
she was from Braithwaite.

Look, I don't know what you're
worried about, mate.

Nathan's in the past.

And no-one goes back to the past.
It's a closed door.

What about this?

This was sent to Katie.

What, has Katie seen this?

You stole her card?

And now you're getting me involved?

Jesus Christ, Ralph.
How long have you had it?

A day. 24 hours?

No. No, no, no, you need
to talk to Katie and come clean.

It's my marriage.

Mate...

..I just think you need to have
a chat with Katie, right?

Give her that.

I will.

When the time is right.

Are you OK there, Brian?

I'm at war, Louise. Oh?

Slugs. I'm on a search
and destroy mission.

Sounds intense.

Oh, it is.

I'm currently training the local
predators to hunt them down.

I've just ordered a new hedgehog
house.

Starting early is a must.

Right.

What are you going with?

Hardy geraniums and sciatica.
Very nice.

The geraniums, I mean.

I got that.

Happy Valentine's Day, Brian.

Is it?

Oh, well, yes.

Good. Likewise.

Are you coming to the party tonight,
Brian?

Tenner a ticket. Village hall.
All for a good cause.

You might get lucky!

Ah, well, actually...

..I already have a long-standing
commitment.

Ooh, what's her name?

It's an illustrated talk on slate
mining at the Keswick Institute.

Ah, right, on that note,
I'd best be off.

I'll see you later, love.

See you later.

Oh, and Brian, you change your mind,

there'll be a vol-au-vent with your
name on it.

Hey, tiger.

How was work?
Missed you this morning.

Fine.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You can get mine later.

I'm off to help Emma.

Love you.

Love you too.

What time can we get into the hall?

Half an hour.
I think I might pass out.

A human body can't emit this
much air.

Did you not want helium balloons?

Oh, God, don't.

The canister didn't arrive, did it?

We're just gonna have...
sad balloons.

Sad balloons?

Yeah, like on the floor. Fatigued.

Afternoon.

Oh, hello.
Didn't think we'd be seeing you.

Yeah, I just found these beers in my
Nan's garage.

I think they're from Boxing Day
two years ago,

but figured you might want 'em.

Er, can I give you a hand?
Oh, yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

Or not. That's fine too.

Someone's getting into
the Valentine's Day spirit.

Well, suppose it's nice
to celebrate, in't it?

Chocolates and flowers
and... the mystery and whatnot.

Aw, it's like Scrooge on
Christmas morning.

Babe, I've got to go.
I'll drop these off on my way.

Thanks so much for helping.
I'll see you tonight.

See you both tonight. See ya. Bye.

Shut up, you.

DOOR OPENS
Ah, Katie. Brilliant.

Where's Ralph?

I'm meeting Ralph at the hall.

Everything... OK? Yeah. Why?

No reason. All good.

Oh, you're kidding!

Why, what's wrong?
They've got my order wrong.

I ordered the bumper Valentine's
party box.

And they've sent a hen do box.

We've got six packs of penis straws.

It's fine. No-one will notice.

They've got veins, Danny.
DANNY LAUGHS

I've invited the WI!

It's all right, have you seen
their calendars?

Not helpful.

Erm, right, I just need to...
Wait, where are you going?

I won't be long.
I just need to do something.

We'll see you at the hall? Er, yeah.

Oi, you said you were gonna speak
to her.

Oh, mate.

You're getting yourself in
a state over nothing.

Have you ever been in love?

Er, yeah. Once.

What happened?

Er... Well, he broke my heart.

I cried in every room in the house,
shed included.

Um...

But eventually I was OK.

I mean, it probably wasn't even real
love.

I think I just wanted someone to...

..want me.

But that was totally different
to you and Katie.

Look, when you know, you know.

You know?

Look, can we please go to
the hall and sort this out?

EMMA: He should be here by now.

Who? The DJ, he's late.

You Emma? Yeah.

I'm Surrane, Psychic Surrane.

The fortune teller.
Where shall I set up?

Oh, eh, yeah, hi. Just
in the corner, please.

Unless that's bad energy?

Nah.

Nah, it's all the same, really.

SHE SIGHS
I'm gonna call the DJ.

Make sure he's not lost.

It's going to be fine.

Yeah, no, you're right.

This is going to be a good night,
right, Surrane?

I'm not on the clock till seven,
hun.

Anything out of the agreed hours is
extra.

Right.

I'll make a start on the cakes.
DOOR OPENS

There you are.

Shall we, er, have a sit down?
Have a cuppa, or coffee or...

..maybe a peppermint tea might be
nice and calming.

You opened my post?

Why are you getting cards from
other men?

What? Ralph... Ralph's worried it's
from Nathan.

Nathan? Why did you never tell me
about him?

There's nothing to tell.

You loved him.

I thought I was the one.

You are.

Then why did Nathan send you this?

He didn't.

Then who did?

I did.

I didn't have anyone to send
a card to this year so...

..I sent one to Katie.

You know, for Galentine's Day?

Like Valentine's, but for gals.

Ralph, I didn't mean to...

SURRANE: Your phone just pinged,
hun.

DJ's cancelled.

DOOR CLOSES
RALPH: Mum?

Living room!

What are you doing here?
I was just about to leave.

I need to go into the loft.

So, let me get this straight.

Katie got a Valentine's card,

which you opened and didn't tell
her about,

and you just found out that
it wasn't from some secret lover,

it was, in fact, from Emma

and now instead of apologising to
Katie

and begging her for forgiveness,

you've left the party to come here

and have a quick rummage
through your old football magazines?

Sounds reasonable.
Ten out of ten for that, Ralph.

I'm looking for something.

Well, I'm going to the party
and I'm not waiting.

What's that?

I made it at grammar school.

But I didn't have anyone
to send it to.

Katie's the only person
I've ever loved.

I've missed out on stuff.

What are you talking about?

Katie's parents took her to clubs.

She met people.

Boyfriends.

You didn't take me.

We weren't the kind of people who
did clubs.

You weren't.

Well, I'm sorry for not thinking
about your relationship status

when you were 11, Ralph.

If I'd gone, I might have been in
love before.

But you're in love now,
you're married, for Christ's sake.

Katie has a past.

I should have a past.

I'm a man.

Wow. Well, excuse me,
I didn't realise

we'd been transported back
to the 1940s.

What, you want more skeletons
in your closet, is that it?

And you're blaming me?

What if I don't know what love is?

Course you know what love is!

You've been worshipping
Wayne Rooney for two decades.

Ralph...

..you found your wife

sooner than most people
find their socks in the morning.

You're one of the lucky ones.

And...

..I'm sorry if you think I kept you
from those experiences.

And... maybe I did.

But I'm your mum and I did what I
thought was best.

And quite frankly, I don't think
it's turned out all that badly.

It's different.

What is?

Being married.

To how you thought it would be?

Well, it'd be a bit boring if
everything was always as expected.

For example, I thought you were
a feminist and yet here we are.

Sorry.

I think Katie needs to hear that
more than me, don't you?

KATIE: Thank you. Thank you.

I'll leave you two alone.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you how I felt.

Yes, you should.

I've never been in love before.

It's a bit scary sometimes.

I know.

I wanted to keep Nathan in the past.

I love you now.
And that's all that matters.

This has been waiting for you.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean for you
to get upset about the card.

Honestly, I'm not having an
affair with your wife.

I know. I realise I'm a bit
of a nightmare,

but Katie's my friend and I want
you to be my friend too.

It's fine.

I just wanted to do something nice
for everyone.

Now I can't even organise
a party in a village hall.

You can.

You have.

MUSIC PLAYS IN NEXT ROOM

I've whacked my playlist on.

It's starting to fill up, mate. You
should probably come out.

Is anybody dancing?

They will.

MUSIC: She's So Lovely
by Scouting For Girls

Hello, everyone.

Hi. Erm...

..thank you so much for being here
tonight.

I just wanted to let you all know

that we have officially raised
enough money for a new piano.

CHEERING

Er, well, a second-hand keyboard
from Oxfam, but still.

Um, and that wouldn't have been
possible without all of you.

So thank you.

This is actually my first
Valentine's

as a single person
for... quite a while

and... well...

..I wanted to do this to make sure
we all had somewhere to be.

People to be with.

None of this would have happened
without the help of my mates.

And two of them are about to come
to the rescue again right now.

So, over to you, boys.

INAUDIBLE

MUSIC: Knock On Wood
by Amii Stewart

Oh, God, what am I doing?

Just follow my lead.

Ooh, yeah!

# I don't wanna lose you

# This good thing

# That I got

# Cos if I do

# I will surely

# Surely lose a lot

# Cos your love

# Is better

# Than any love I know

# It's like thunder

# And lightning

# The way you love me is frightening

# Ah, you better knock

# Knock

# On wood

# Baby

# Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Baby

# Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# I'm not superstitious about you

# But I can't take no chance

# It's like thunder

# And lightning

# The way you love me is frightening

# You better knock, knock, knock

# On wood

# Baby

# Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# You better knock, knock, knock on
wood

# Baby, better knock, knock, knock
on wood

# Baby, better knock, knock, knock
on wood

Wow!

# Knock, knock, knock on wood... #

Right, come on, everyone!

SONG CONTINUES

MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES

Ah, yes, I'm seeing a man
in uniform.

You've got good eyesight.
He's in the Himalayas.

But wait...

..looks like there might be somebody
a little closer to home.

Absolutely not.

There he is. Billy Elliot himself.

Was it really embarrassing?

No, I liked it.

What you lacked in dignity, you made
up for in enthusiasm.

Not the first time that's been said.

Hey, do you, erm, do you want to get
a drink?

There you are.

Finally.
Sorry, I got stuck in traffic.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, Mick, this is Danny,
an old school friend.

Danny, this is my boyfriend, Mick.

He's late for everything.

Nice to meet you, Danny.
Yeah, yeah, you too.

Danny does magic.

He's basically the David Blaine
of Cumbria.

Uses ferrets instead of rabbits
and everything. Very edgy.

Yeah, well ferrets aren't part of
a union.

BOTH: Yet.
THEY CHUCKLE

Anyway, shall we get a drink?

Drink, Danny?

No, no, I've got one.
It's over... there.

OK!

MUSIC: The Lady In Red
by Chris De Burgh

# I've never seen you looking
so lovely as you did tonight

# I've never seen you shine so bright

# I've never seen so many men ask you
if you wanted to dance

# They're looking for
a little romance... #

I didn't know he had
a boyfriend, sorry.

It's all right.

Got you, haven't I?

Like Thelma and Louise.

Over love and ready to embrace
the joys of single life.

Have you ever watched Thelma
and Louise?

No, I have not.

SHE SIGHS

I don't think I actually want
the single life.

Sorry.

I want love and marriage

and matching Christmas pyjamas...
HE GROANS

..and all the other stuff you hate.

Thought I had all that with Gary,
but...

..if not Gary, then...

Same plan, different man.

Same plan, different man.

Right, come on.

You look tragic.

Danny Hyde, will you please dance
with me?

You owe me a present.

I know.

Next year, you can get me two.

OK.

Will you celebrate next year? Yeah!

I love you. I love you too.

But if you ever open my post again,

I'll kill you.

Fair enough.