Rake (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Close Shave - full transcript
(Roy)
You're $59,000 in the hole.
[Grunts]
Victor needs his money, Kee.
Tomorrow morning.
(Ben)
Kee. Kee, get up.
You got to find
someplace else to crash, Kee.
This is not working.
Let's not forget
one basic fact.
That I'm a prostitute?
Yes, that's it. Bingo.
Maddy.
He's not a patient.
He's my ex-husband.
Where is my car?
You have no idea how difficult
you've made my life recently.
Expect reciprocity.
[Knocking at the door]
(Mary)
Jedidiah, who is here?
Mary! Mary, Mary!
Mary, come with me!
Take your hands off me!
[All grunting]
[Razor slices]
[Children chatting]
(Max)
Good morning, Uncle Kee.
- Hey, Kee.
- Hey.
You're moving out soon, right?
It's a little loud, guys.
[Beeping]
Hey, this took me three weeks
to learn how to operate this.
You guys change the settings
on this?
You want lungo or cortado?
I just want coffee.
I want some brown coffee.
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Hey, hey, easy with that.
I'm not doin' anything.
You know how much it costs
to repair this thing?
(Adam) Kee doesn't know
how to make coffee.
You want lungo or cortado?
(Keegan)
Yes, either.
(Max)
Dad.
No, no, no. Not in here.
That goes in the backyard.
[Speaking Spanish]
This is the kitchen.
[Speaking Spanish] Yes, this is the kitchen,
but that goes in the backyard.
Scarlet!
Look at all this work you're
making for yourself, buddy.
I love you, but this is absurd.
Ah, it's a sweet idea,
and Scarlet wants it.
Oh, come on.
Just say it's absurd.
Say it's absurd,
and then I can maintain
some level of respect for you.
- What's absurd?
- Nothing.
Recommitment ceremony.
It serves one of two purposes.
Here we go.
Either your marriage
is in shambles,
in which case, you're trying
to hide it from the whole world,
or you're gloriously happy,
and you want to rub
everybody's noses in it.
Kee, don't project your
relationship issues onto us.
"Behold our covenant of love."
[Child laughs]
You're cranky
about the recommitment ceremony
because it has
the word "commit" in it,
and you're afraid of that word.
The word "commit" is usually
followed by a crime.
I don't know who got you
that tower of flowers,
but don't expect
a gift from me.
Oh, we don't need a present.
We have each other.
Look.
[All groaning]
See there?
And be fair, honey.
Kee doesn't have a problem
with commitment.
Thank you, brother.
He's got a problem
staying committed.
[Laughs]
You could be in a relationship
with the perfect woman,
you'd still figure out
a way to blow it up.
Boy, is that not true.
Kee, come on.
Your last five relationships
have been like watching
the bomb squad highlight reel.
[Machine beeps]
Coffee?
Oh, thanks.
Have a nice morning.
I'm leaving.
You're moving out?
No, I'm just leaving.
Could you move out?
(Keegan)
Good-bye.
No?
(Leanne)
Ah! You.
You are naughty.
I got to go, he just walked in.
(Leanne)
Yeah. Stop. Bye.
Better not be a client.
It's my boyfriend.
- Beaver?
- Bevan.
Hey, these are great offices.
Whose are they,
and how long we got 'em?
Marty Lynch, and two days,
or five to ten years,
depending on whether
she's guilty of tax fraud.
It doesn't pull out.
So you and Kevin
are really--
Bevan. We've been together
for two years.
Doesn't seem possible.
Why? 'Cause you can't
sustain a relationship
longer than a fortnight?
- What did you say?
- Which part?
Have you been talking
to Ben and Scarlet?
No.
So everybody thinks
I can't be in a relationship?
No, I'm sure there's a monk
up a mountain in Tibet
who hasn't heard the memo.
In other news,
your new clients posted bail.
- How much?
- $50,000 each.
Which means they have money.
Which means I'll have money.
Which means I'll have money.
Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
Wait, these guys have money?
What are they,
trust fund hipsters?
No, they're not hipsters.
They're amish.
- What are they charged with?
- Attempted murder.
Ah, yes,
the amish crime of choice.
That, along with over-whipping
the ox.
They're way overcharged.
It'll never stick.
They attacked an old man
with a razor?
- Who's the ADA on this?
- Ed Chambers.
Oh, my God.
That name-dropping tool.
I bet you $10 right now
he name drops
within two minutes
of seeing him.
Hey, after court, I need a ride
out to Silver Lake.
I'm not driving you,
but check your phone.
I downloaded you an app.
It's called "Joyrider."
You put in your address,
and a real person
comes to pick you up
and takes you
where you want to go.
I'm not getting
into some strange person's car.
They're gonna want
to talk to me.
There'll be germs
and foggy windows.
First two rides are free.
- You really think I'm that desperate?
- I do.
Hey, hey, Howie.
Morning, Mr. Deane.
You watch the Lakers game?
You bet I did.
I told you
it was gonna be close.
Took 'em at the buzzer.
You hear about those three kids
in Silver Lake
- that attacked that old guy?
- Yeah.
What is wrong with people?
I'll let you know.
I'm meeting them later.
Sorry. You've been randomly
selected for a full body search.
We've had a couple breaches
in security recently,
so we're trying to crack down.
Yeah, I can feel that.
I guess maybe you shouldn't
piss off the mayor, huh?
Yes, Mr. Potter?
Uh, Your Honor,
the government asks, yet again,
that the defendant comply
with our subpoena
or be held in contempt.
The IRS has been
more than patient.
I agree, Mr. Potter.
Your Honor, may I once again
- object to this witch hunt?
- You may not.
This is what happens
to decent Americans
when a massive
and petty bureaucracy
is allowed to stifle
their spirit.
No, it isn't.
Mr. Deane, do you have
anything further to add
before I hold you in contempt?
I have three
signed affidavits here,
supporting my claim
that the financial records
were in fa water damaged
due to my recently
moving offices...
Daily occurrence.
That were signed
by the president
of the moving company, as well
as two supporting witnesses.
Mr. Deane,
these affidavits don't appear
to be written in English.
Bulgarian.
Yeah, those haven't
been translated yet.
They just came to my office.
I'm having the said translation
facilitated,
so until that's done, I'm asking
for a brief continuance.
[Laughs]
Movers and rain-damaged files.
You are unbelievable.
Harry, nothing'd make me happier
than to have those files.
They'd exonerate me
in an instant.
Yeah, right. You know what,
enough with this "Harry" crap,
all right?
It's starting to get around.
It's 'cause it's a great name.
'Cause "David Potter's" boring.
I mean,
"Harry Potter" stands out.
You know what, you're lucky
I don't have my wand with me
right now, because I know
where I'd like to shove it.
Where inside me would you like
to shove your wand, Harry?
Wow.
Got yourself a real enterprise
here, Jedidiah.
Smells good.
We live next door
in the main house.
We work here in the bakery,
and all the profits go towards
buying more land in Lancaster.
Oh, back in Pennsylvania.
No. Lancaster here.
It's up north near Palmdale.
Oh.
[Phone ringing]
Oh. 'Scuse me.
Excuse me, Jedidiah.
One of the local markets
looking for their delivery.
Oh, so you have
cell phones too.
Sure you're amish?
You're thinking
of the old order, Mr. Deane.
- We're reformed amish.
- Oh.
We're true to our faith,
but we're open to-- Excuse me.
We're open to the benefits
of the modern world.
Look around.
The amish have never been
so prosperous,
closer to his word.
Mmm.
How does a attempted murder
charge
put you closer to his word?
Oh, my God.
That is-- that's fantastic.
- Thank you.
- How do you do that?
We only use untreated
organic stone-ground flour
and natural sourdough yeast,
and we don't rush the dough.
It's got a crunch to it,
doesn't it?
We give it two long,
slow rises.
Two slow rises.
Hmm.
All right, so you were trying
to kill this guy.
[Scoffs]
If I had wanted to kill
Bishop Guth,
he would be dead by now.
I never meant him
any physical harm,
and what we did was justified
within the bounds
of our beliefs.
Wait, so the victim was--
he was a bishop?
Abraham Guth is a bishop
of Paradise,
- our village in Lancaster.
- Up north?
No, back home in Pennsylvania.
All right, that's gonna be
a little confusing.
I never wanted to kill him.
I wanted to shave him.
[Laughs]
Oh, I'm lovin' this case.
[Buzzing electricity]
Sure. So shaving somebody's
beard, what is that?
Is that, like, a punishment?
It won't make sense
to an outsider.
Bishop Guth came to us
with a message.
We responded
with a message of our own.
Yeah, you need to tell me
what that message is, Jed.
'Cause I'm gonna be
representing you in court,
and the judge is probably--
It's your court, your judge,
not ours.
We may be reform, but we still
follow our core beliefs.
We don't fight in your wars,
we don't worship
in your churches,
and we do not involve ourselves
in your courts.
Trust me, you're involved.
Solomon, Mordechai,
thank you very much.
If I'm gonna be condemned
by English laws,
- then it's Gottes wille.
- Who?
Gottes wille.
It's God's will.
And you and your English courts
have no authority
over that, Mr. Deane.
I'm having a hard time
believing all this, Jedidiah.
I'm sorry I couldn't be
more helpful.
No, no. It's just,
I can't believe
an amish guy's got a car,
and I don't.
How you doin'?
Okay.
[Engine starting]
(Jedidiah)
Good day.
Hey.
[Sighs]
Hey, there.
Are you my Joyrider?
Yes.
You look really familiar.
Have we ever, um--
No, no, no, I'm... I'm new
to the Joyrider experience.
I have done
a little TV, though.
Mm?
Maybe you've seen me, uh,
On The Record.
Oh, with Greta Van Susteren?
Yeah.
So you're a lawyer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's perfect.
I have this nagging question.
I just finished
that eminent domain piece
in the Columbia Law Review,
and I'm really confused.
What determines
fair market value?
Fair market value is determined
by a legal authority
that sets an absolute value
on a product or a service.
Actually, I'm sorry,
isn't that imposed value?
It probably is.
How do you know that?
I like to read.
[Both chuckle]
And I also like
to impress handsome men
- that get into my car.
- [Chuckles]
Are you hungry?
[Siren whoops]
This is incredible.
They use a high-protein flour
and a special yeast,
and they give the dough
two slow rises.
That's the key.
It's the rises.
Hey, this was really fun.
How do we do this again?
Oh, check your phone.
The app automatically sends you
my contact info
when the ride's done.
You give me a high rating,
I become one of your
preferred drivers.
Well, I'm definitely
gonna do that...
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Brooke Alexander.
- Keegan Deane.
All right, I'm gonna
see you very soon.
I hope so.
You promise me one thing?
Yeah?
You'll bring the bread.
We'll see.
[Police radio chatter]
I hope the judge gets here soon.
I have a lunch.
Oh.
Who you having lunch with?
Linda Nussman, just a friend.
Actually, second cousin.
She's Charles Barkley's
accountant.
[Laughs]
[Beep]
48.2 seconds.
- What are you talkin' about?
- It's a personal best for you.
Plus, you won me 10 bucks.
All right, boys,
keep it brief, please.
I don't want to be late
for my therapy appointment.
You've got five minutes.
You don't even
have to sit down.
(Keegan)
My clients have no priors.
This is a simple skirmish
between some amish guys.
Minor skirmish
involving a razor.
They weren't trying
to hurt your client, Ed.
No, they just surrounded him,
pushed him to the ground,
and shaved him.
(Keegan) Oh, well, in
that case, my goodness,
forget about attempted murder.
You should go
for "Forced grooming
in the third degree."
This is a simple assault.
Nothing else.
Why'd they shave the beard?
It's an amish thing.
They just--
It's the way they
settle their disputes.
There's no case here, Janet.
I'm telling you,
this is a little "manscaping"
gone bad, that's it.
(Ed) Your Honor, in
the amish culture,
a man's beard can be seen
as a symbol
of his faith
and devotion to God.
Don't do this, Ed.
Since this attack targeted
my client's facial hair,
and therefore
his religious beliefs...
- Ed.
- ...this is no longer
a simple attempted murder
charge.
Ed, stop this.
This is now a hate crime.
A hate crime?
Would you straighten him out
on this?
He's trying to set you up.
[Laughs] Thank you for worrying
about my reputation.
Look, Keegan,
worry about your clients.
I've looked at the case.
There's precedent here.
I think that's a stretch.
No, the attack
was clearly motivated
by the victim's
specific religious beliefs.
Your clients are looking
at an additional
15 years in prison
if convicted.
Anything else?
Enjoy therapy.
Be a lot more meaningful if we
had a drink first, you know?
Look, I don't like this
any more than you do, Kee,
and it's only gonna get worse.
At least light
a few candles, Howie.
You might want
to figure out a way
to get on the mayor's good side
again real soon.
- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Mr. Guth, you mentioned earlier
that you went--
Bishop Guth.
Of course.
You mentioned earlier
that you went
to my client's house
to discuss an urgent matter.
Ja, that is right, but instead
of speaking to me reasonably,
he and his henchmen
attacked me.
[Scoffs] Would've thought
that had been sharper.
The urgent matter, what was it?
I came to collect
Mary Stultzfoos,
to bring her back to Paradise.
Paradise?
That is our home,
back in Pennsylvania.
Oh, because--
Mary's actually a member
of Mr. Plank's reformed sect
here in Los Angeles.
I recognize no such sect.
Mary's family feared
that Jedidiah and his boys
were holding her against
her will, and they were.
And when I made
to leave with her,
these animals tried
to rip my throat out.
That's what they tried to do?
Ja, ja.
These-- these three guys
over here?
- Ja.
- Stand up.
(Keegan)
Go ahead.
These three young,
healthy, fit men
against... you.
Ja.
No disrespect, but that's--
[Laughs]
If what you say is true,
that they were trying
to rip your throat out,
how is it all they managed
was to give you a lousy shave?
Sir, I had to visit a hospital.
I had to have stitches.
- How many?
- The number is not important.
- Your Honor?
- Answer the question, please.
How many?
Two.
Two?
No further questions.
(Sports radio announcer)
Shot goes wide past the net.
Pass off to...
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Go. Go!
- Go. Yes!
- Yes! Winner!
- Chicago takes it!
That's right.
- Hey!
- Winner.
Somebody likes hockey, huh?
[Laughs] Oh, no, actually,
I just-- I like betting on it.
Oh, you-- you gamble?
Listen, okay?
It is only called gambling
if you lose.
[Laughs] No, I'm-- I'm just--
I'm good at stats
and mathematical probability,
and my old boyfriend
sets the odds line
at a major casino in Vegas.
So you only gamble on sports?
Yeah, that's it.
And the horses.
If you can get
over to Santa Anita
tomorrow afternoon,
PrettyLittlePenny in the third,
10-to-1 on the morning line,
guaranteed winner.
I'm-- I'm not getting
fooled again.
- What?
- Ben and Scarlet, right?
Who? What?
Did they put you up to this?
What?
- This is a setup.
- No.
I'm deleting your app.
I'm getting out.
No, wait.
[Stutters and laughs]
What are you talking about?
I'm not new to this game,
Brooke.
- Come on, this is--
- [Laughs] What?
Perfect women don't just
drop into your lap every day?
You are far from perfect.
You're sitting in a car,
straddling a man
you just met, okay?
That's a little crazy.
Mm.
- I like a little crazy.
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Mm, the only thing
you have to know about me
is that I'm into older men,
you lucky boy.
- It's a trap.
- No, it's not!
It-- it is not a trap.
I'm about to make
a huge mistake.
My friends, Ben and Scarlet,
they're having
a recommitment ceremony
on Saturday.
It's-- it's absurd,
but it's a party.
Please tell me
you're not available.
I'll be there.
Is this a setup?
No, it's not.
[Laughs]
[Dice rattle]
Oh, I win.
Three in a row.
Kee, pay attention.
You're off your game.
Well, I'm just lulling you
into a false sense of security.
Like a cobra, hiding
in the weeds, ready to strike.
Yeah, well...
you are a snake.
I know that.
♪ anything to make it
all right ♪
[Grunts]
♪ I can't help myself ♪
- What is it?
- Whose perfume is that?
I-I don't smell--
- Keegan.
- What? I don't.
I was driving around
with some woman today.
Oh, and?
And?
This feels very strange, Mikki,
'cause I pay to be here...
which should very clearly
define our relationship,
but when you're jealous,
it makes it very unclear.
No. No, no, no.
I'm not jealous.
Yeah, you are.
Huh?
All right.
Careful. Ah!
[Zipper]
Ah! God!
What are you doing?
Take it easy.
Okay, okay.
Ah.
Does it bother you
when you leave here,
because I have another client
showing up?
No.
Oh, come on.
Bothers me a little bit.
Yeah. Why?
I-- [Laughs]
I just-- I don't know.
I'd like to think we have
something a little different.
[Music continues in background]
♪
[Laughs]
Oh, my God.
What? What,
I'm opening up to you.
You are such a sap.
No, I'm being honest,
and if you were honest,
you'd admit that it bothers you
that I smell like another woman.
No, Keegan, what you do outside
of this room is your concern.
I just don't need
my other clients
thinking that's my perfume.
It's cheap.
Go take a shower.
If I take a shower,
we're not gonna have time
- for anything else.
- Hmm.
Funny how that works.
♪ is this the good life? ♪
Mr. Plank, how long
have you lived in Los Angeles?
Two years this winter.
So why travel
thousands of miles from home?
Why not just settle
in Paradise?
Settle where?
There's an acre plot left
to me and my ten siblings.
That isn't enough land
to build a shed, let alone farm.
So Paradise isn't exactly
paradise, huh?
Why do you think Bishop Guth
was so anxious to get Mary home?
Think her parents were
that concerned about her?
Not at all.
They talk to her once a week
by telephone.
And they miss her,
but they can hear her voice
and tell how happy she is.
So the real reason
this man wanted
to take this woman away
from you--
It's just that.
She's a woman.
Before she arrived,
our sect members were all men.
And now, with a woman
as a part of our community,
there's a possibly for children,
and children mean future.
And that's the last thing
Bishop Guth would want
- for your sect.
- Yes.
Do you love her?
Very much.
Hey.
Carlotta have the baby?
(Roy)
No. It's months away.
Two seconds, guys.
I can't believe
you're gonna be a daddy.
Yeah. I just hope you're
around to see it, my brother.
Thing is, you owe us $63,000.
Victor needs to see some cash.
I know. You got to trust me,
Roy, the money's coming, okay?
(Roy) Yeah, I hear you.
Look here, Kee,
I love you, man,
but you are puttin' me
in an awkward position
with Victor.
Next time I see you,
I'm gonna have to give you
a painful reminder
about paying up.
Okay, take it easy.
I understand, all right?
(Roy) Nothin' personal.
Just is what it is.
I'll be lookin' for you.
No, Roy. Roy.
- Kee.
- [Starts]
- Are you okay?
- I'm... fine.
Are you serving bread
at your recommitment ceremony?
Bread? I think
the caterers are bringing rolls.
No. No, no.
No catered rolls.
I'm bringing the bread.
It's my gift to you and Ben
on your special,
but ultimately meaningless day.
Knock yourself out.
Listen, I need
to talk to you about something.
Your restraining order
against Margaret has lapsed.
But if you want to extend it,
I can handle it for you.
Extend it?
No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's okay. It's okay.
She hasn't called you
or shown up?
I remember you were
pretty spooked.
I don't remember being spooked.
I was pretty spooked.
The dead birds
wrapped in fabric.
I don't need
a restraining order.
Didn't she try
to burn all your shirts?
Oh, my God, that picture,
with all that blood.
Okay, fine.
You win, okay?
If you want to keep it going
for another few months, fine.
I-I... guess it doesn't
cost anything.
I'll file the extension.
Today?
Yeah.
Does that go effective
immediately?
Immediately.
What does this mean,
"Hate crime"?
We're not hateful people.
Oh, the hate crime's
just an escalation
of the attempted murder charge.
Once I make that charge go away,
and I will, then
the "Hate" element will be gone.
Where are you here?
Oh, yeah, right here.
Um...
Actually, maybe you can
pull up a little further.
Are you going to get out?
Huh?
Are you going to get out?
I might need a favor
from you boys.
[Van door opening]
[Funk music]
♪
What's up, Roy?
It can wait.
Cool.
Talk soon.
You're not helping, Mary.
You're awfully quiet.
Jed and the boys
didn't give me much either.
Mary, I need your help.
What about Guth?
What about Bishop Guth?
I don't think I can help you,
Mr. Deane.
It's not my place to discuss
an elder of the community.
Well, you understand that Jed's
in some very, very serious
trouble here, right, Mary?
He's gonna go away
for a long, long time.
You okay with that?
You smell nice.
It's like a nice little
amish fragrance you got there.
You ever take that handkerchief
out of your head?
- Jedidiah.
- You know, you ever do one of those?
Get the blonde hair flowin'?
I'm assuming it's natural.
- Jedidiah.
- I just don't understand the frumpy dress,
covering up all your backside
goodies, huh?
You could be a model
if you wanted.
Your parents must be beavers,
'cause damn.
- Jedidiah, please.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I being inappropriate, Mary?
I apologize.
I'm just trying to help you.
You're about to become single
in Los Angeles, California.
There's gonna be a long line
of hungry, inappropriate guys
down in that bake shop
of yours.
They're gonna be looking
for more than warm rolls.
They're gonna want to get
a little bit
of that special amish you got.
And Jed is not gonna be there
to help you.
He'll be gone.
Do you need me?
No. No, I'm sorry.
Okay.
[Door closing]
I can tell you
about Bishop Guth.
(Keegan) Bishop Guth,
correct me if I'm wrong,
but as an elder in the church,
you're pretty knowledgeable
about all things amish.
Yes.
So if I was thinking
about becoming amish myself--
Objection. Mr. Deane
has about as much chance
of becoming amish as I have
of becoming Halle Berry,
whom I met at a gallery opening
earlier this year.
He's unbelievable.
Your Honor,
is my interest in becoming amish
will be relevant
to the case at hand.
Short leash, Mr. Deane.
Understood.
Okay, so obviously,
I'd had to make
some lifestyle changes.
I'd change the wardrobe, pick up
one of these fabulous hats.
I've been reading up.
It says that "An amish person
is not allowed to have
a full-length mirror
in their home."
Is that true?
This is true.
A mirror that size
will only lead to vanity.
Amen to that.
And I'd be expected
to grow a beard.
Although, mustaches, that's--
that's frowned upon, right?
Yeah, the roots of our faith
are German,
and in that culture,
mustaches are associated
with military officers.
Hmm.
And beard-cutting
is recognized as a form
of punishment among the amish.
Recognized by whom?
By whom?
By you.
Each district has
its own ordnung.
An "ordnung" being
a set of rules, right?
It varies
from district to district.
So you've never heard of this
beard-cutting business, huh?
Yeah, I have heard of that.
Let me ask you,
as an amish person,
isn't it prohibited
to file a lawsuit?
- Sir?
- This is not allowed,
but the savagery of this attack
demanded that a lesson
be taught--
But this attack was not
an attempted murder.
That's the charge
that you wanted,
because if Mr. Plank and
his friends are found guilty,
then they're gonna go to prison
for a long, long time.
There will be
no more reform sect,
and what a message
for you to send
back to the youth of Paradise
who were even thinking
about moving west.
Two birds with one stone,
right?
- Now?
- Yeah.
So beard-cutting as a punishment
has been recognized
according to these documents
as far back as 1709,
but I'm thinking
you already knew that,
because you've not only
had this done to you, sir...
you've done it yourself.
[Door opening]
I'm over here.
Recognize him?
That's Isaac Graber.
Sir, do you recognize him?
This gentleman here
was found to have
rubber tires on his tractor
four years ago,
and his punishment
was to have his beard cut.
Do you want to tell these people
who cut his beard, Bishop?
Or should I?
On the count
of attempted murder,
we find the defendants
not guilty, Your Honor.
And how do you find
as to count two, assault?
We find the defendants guilty,
Your Honor.
(Janet) As this is a
misdemeanor conviction,
I'm gonna deliver my sentence
from the bench.
The defendants
are hereby sentenced
to six months in county jail.
Your Honor,
that is the maximum sentence.
- Given the facts--
- Counselor,
you convinced the jury.
You didn't convince me.
Let's let your clients
be an example
of those who use violence
to settle religious disputes.
[Gavel bang]
- [Crowd murmurs]
- Jed.
Jacob Hilty and his brothers
are on their way.
I'll see to it they look after
Mary until you are released.
(Bailiff)
Mr. Plank.
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you, Bishop.
Another amish tradition,
Mr. Deane.
Forgiveness.
Since 1709.
[Spanish jazz music playing]
Let me-- let me see if I can find
the big groom of the hour.
Here he is. Benny.
- Hey.
- How are you?
Wow, look at you.
Yeah, Scarlet picked it out.
- This is her, Brooke Alexander.
- Ben Leon.
Thank you for having me.
Nice meeting you, Brooke.
I've heard way too much about
you the last couple of days.
If we make it through a week,
recommitment time. Big party.
Don't worry.
You're invited.
[Laughs]
Okay, she's a keeper.
Don't screw it up.
Hey, did the bride arrive?
The bride's here.
Thank you.
(Keegan)
Frances, you look lovely.
Why, thank you, Keegan.
This is my date.
This is Brooke Alexander.
This is Ben's mother, Frances.
- Pleasure.
- Likewise.
Benjamin, your father needs
to speak to you, he's outside.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Anyone care for a drink?
Oh, thank you, no.
I'll have a bourbon.
Okay.
What a lovely girl.
How much is she by the hour?
I love her dark hair.
Reminds me of snow white.
You remember her,
don't you, Frances?
That's the little girl you tried
to kill with the poison apple.
Keegan, one favor.
If you feel the need
to bang her at some point,
try not to do it
on the buffet table.
I wouldn't want you knocking
over the ice sculpture.
Oh, I never mix sex with ice,
unlike your husband.
Your turn.
Great decorating job, huh?
Scarlet spent a lot of time
on the details.
You wanted to see me
about something, dad?
Did you finish going through
those submissions for Pemberton?
Not yet, there were about 300,
but I'm almost done.
I thought you didn't need 'em
until Wednesday.
It doesn't matter.
I'll get someone else to do it.
Steve.
You must be the fabulous Brooke.
Scarlet Leon.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
Oh, well, it's official,
I love her.
[Both laughing]
So good news for you, Kee.
Mayor's office called.
He won't be joining us.
Mm. Major disappointment.
I'd cancel the party,
send everybody home.
Yeah, well, Gloria's here
representing him, so--
His wife? She's here?
- Yeah.
- Where?
She's that striking woman
right over there
- in the black lace dress.
- One sec.
Wait.
Kee, what are you gonna do?
Calm down.
I just want to talk to her,
get her to call her husband off.
I'll be right back.
Oh, no problem.
Take your time.
Excuse me.
Is there any chance you could
get your husband off my ass?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, is there any chance
you could get--
Keegan Deane.
My husband thinks you're
the Antichrist incarnate,
which is probably why you've
come over to butter me up,
in the hopes
that I'll be charmed enough
to help thaw relations
between you two.
Sadly enough, I won't.
So don't.
I hope that wasn't too direct.
No.
No, now I understand
why your husband's
always so pissed off.
[Laughs]
Enjoy the party.
[Spanish jazz music playing]
♪
- Hey.
- Hello.
[Smooch]
You look great.
- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah. Hey, listen,
I want you to meet my date.
She's really something.
She's smart, pretty, gambles.
If her father owns
a liquor store,
she could be your dream girl.
Hope it lasts.
Excuse me.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.
I'm glad you're happy.
Yeah, but what--
what do you mean?
Every time you meet someone new,
it's all sunshine and roses,
everything's perfect,
but the first misstep,
the first wrong note,
and you panic.
And then the relationship's
damaged goods.
And rather than
actually work on it,
you flee and run off to find
the next perfect thing.
And that's only ever
gonna change--
- Hey.
- Oh, Bruce.
This is my ex, Keegan Deane.
Oh, wow.
Kee, this is my friend,
Bruce Mangan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Bruce owns that great raw juice
place near Finn's school.
Yeah, The Master Presser.
You should check it out, dude.
Yeah, juices, huh?
Um, well, I got to run.
[Laughs]
Well, he seems like a nice guy.
You told me he was
kind of a lunatic.
Give it time.
[Mellow jazz music playing]
- Two slow rises?
- That's right.
Oh, it sounds delicious.
[Whispering]
Kee. Kee.
Uh--
- Hey, you look great.
- Hey.
- Come on, walk with me.
- Huh?
- Walk with me.
- Where are we goin'?
- This about the bread?
- No.
The bread is fine.
Just stop with the bread.
- Okay.
- I'm not doing this.
What?
The ceremony, the whole thing.
God, Kee, you were right
about everything you said.
It's meaningless,
and it's showy, and it's absurd.
I don't think
I said "Absurd."
Yeah, you did,
and I'm calling it off.
You can't cancel it.
Scarlet, there's 150
of the most well-connected,
self-serving, hypocritical
pricks in the city there.
I'm not going through with it.
Does Ben know?
[Whispering]
Of course not.
Okay, we'll go back in,
we'll tell everybody to go home.
Yeah?
Yeah, come on.
Okay, let's do it.
Of course, there's Frances
in there.
- [Scoffs]
- I can't wait to see
- her reaction.
- She's gonna love this.
You know how she loves chaos.
Yeah.
Kids.
Like Max,
he's running around
with his tuxedo,
so proud of you guys.
It's a little heartbreaking,
but he'll be all right.
Look, you'll talk to Ben.
I'll go tell everybody
we're calling it a day, okay?
I'll get the mic.
You'll be fine.
Kee.
I'm a car wreck.
Car wreck in a nice dress.
[Crying]
It's a great dress.
Scarlet, come on.
I remember all this.
You've done this before, okay?
The day you guys got married.
You're forgetting.
"I can't marry him.
I don't know him.
I'm going to ruin his life."
Kee, I freaked out back then,
because maybe I thought
that Ben wasn't the one,
or maybe I thought
that there was somebody
more right out there for me,
or maybe--
I don't know,
maybe I thought that you and I
would get back together
and try again.
That was a weekend.
It was four days.
Scarlet, you and I wouldn't be
walking you up a driveway.
I'd be walking you off a bridge.
[Laughs]
Is it possible
that after 15 years
and three kids
and a pretty wonderful life...
I'm the one who's afraid
of commitment?
Come on.
[Wistful music]
♪
Help! Somebody!
Please, call an ambulance!
A man has collapsed.
Please, hurry!
[All speaking at once]
[Ambulance radio chatter]
I pulled the car around.
I'll go with Scarlet, all right?
- Thanks, Kee.
- All right. You okay?
I'm fine.
I'll see you over there.
Okay.
Ugh, that poor man.
I feel awful.
Never had anyone
die on me before.
No, no, no, no.
He's not dead.
He's not dead.
He'll be all right.
[Sighs]
What do you mean, "On you"?
He was so forceful.
He took me in the bedroom,
and the next thing I knew,
we were having sex.
Who?
- Arthur.
- What?
Okay, Kee, the kids are
with the neighbors, let's go.
Okay, we got to-- Art--
be right there.
What?
Arthur and you, what?
I'm really sorry.
You had sex with
my best friend's father here?
Are you crazy?
You knew I was crazy.
You said you liked it.
No, I said I liked
a little crazy.
That man was just
taken away on a gurney.
There's nothing little
about that.
Well, I said I liked older men.
Oh, right.
Of course!
All of the telltale signs
were there for me, Brooke.
I should've seen it coming,
right?
You're out of your mind, okay?
I never should've
brought you here.
You know why?
Because I'm not a guest
anymore.
- Kee!
- I'm an accessory.
I'm coming.
Good-bye.
I got to go.
I got to go,
but I'm just gonna say this.
These people, they all think
I can't maintain a relationship.
They think I'm the problem!
They don't know
what I'm wrong with!
(Scarlet) - Kee!
- Coming.
I don't even care. Honestly,
it's okay.
It's okay.
But your app's deleted.
What's the latest?
He's stable.
It was a stroke,
and the next few days
are critical,
in terms of seeing
how he comes out of it.
Thanks.
[Sighs]
It's weird.
He was found in Max's bedroom.
What was he doing in there?
I don't know.
How should I know?
He never showed
any interest in the kids.
I can't stop thinking
it means something
that he was found in that room.
Obviously, a powerful force
pulled him in there.
Like an urge.
An urge, yeah.
I'm sorry, Ben.
It's not like it's your fault.
Hey, Scarlet and I,
we really like Brooke.
Oh.
Yeah, it's not gonna work out.
You kidding?
What happened?
Um... stuff.
[Laughs]
You did it again, brother.
Yeah, you know me.
Listen, Ben, it's been great
living with you, me, Scarlet,
being under one roof,
but you got a lot
on your plate right now
with your father.
I think I'm gonna move out,
get my own place.
Okay.
I mean, unless you need help.
No.
- Watch the kids?
- No.
- Maybe just one--
- No.
Got it.
So how soon can you move out?
You're $59,000 in the hole.
[Grunts]
Victor needs his money, Kee.
Tomorrow morning.
(Ben)
Kee. Kee, get up.
You got to find
someplace else to crash, Kee.
This is not working.
Let's not forget
one basic fact.
That I'm a prostitute?
Yes, that's it. Bingo.
Maddy.
He's not a patient.
He's my ex-husband.
Where is my car?
You have no idea how difficult
you've made my life recently.
Expect reciprocity.
[Knocking at the door]
(Mary)
Jedidiah, who is here?
Mary! Mary, Mary!
Mary, come with me!
Take your hands off me!
[All grunting]
[Razor slices]
[Children chatting]
(Max)
Good morning, Uncle Kee.
- Hey, Kee.
- Hey.
You're moving out soon, right?
It's a little loud, guys.
[Beeping]
Hey, this took me three weeks
to learn how to operate this.
You guys change the settings
on this?
You want lungo or cortado?
I just want coffee.
I want some brown coffee.
- Whoa!
- Oh!
Hey, hey, easy with that.
I'm not doin' anything.
You know how much it costs
to repair this thing?
(Adam) Kee doesn't know
how to make coffee.
You want lungo or cortado?
(Keegan)
Yes, either.
(Max)
Dad.
No, no, no. Not in here.
That goes in the backyard.
[Speaking Spanish]
This is the kitchen.
[Speaking Spanish] Yes, this is the kitchen,
but that goes in the backyard.
Scarlet!
Look at all this work you're
making for yourself, buddy.
I love you, but this is absurd.
Ah, it's a sweet idea,
and Scarlet wants it.
Oh, come on.
Just say it's absurd.
Say it's absurd,
and then I can maintain
some level of respect for you.
- What's absurd?
- Nothing.
Recommitment ceremony.
It serves one of two purposes.
Here we go.
Either your marriage
is in shambles,
in which case, you're trying
to hide it from the whole world,
or you're gloriously happy,
and you want to rub
everybody's noses in it.
Kee, don't project your
relationship issues onto us.
"Behold our covenant of love."
[Child laughs]
You're cranky
about the recommitment ceremony
because it has
the word "commit" in it,
and you're afraid of that word.
The word "commit" is usually
followed by a crime.
I don't know who got you
that tower of flowers,
but don't expect
a gift from me.
Oh, we don't need a present.
We have each other.
Look.
[All groaning]
See there?
And be fair, honey.
Kee doesn't have a problem
with commitment.
Thank you, brother.
He's got a problem
staying committed.
[Laughs]
You could be in a relationship
with the perfect woman,
you'd still figure out
a way to blow it up.
Boy, is that not true.
Kee, come on.
Your last five relationships
have been like watching
the bomb squad highlight reel.
[Machine beeps]
Coffee?
Oh, thanks.
Have a nice morning.
I'm leaving.
You're moving out?
No, I'm just leaving.
Could you move out?
(Keegan)
Good-bye.
No?
(Leanne)
Ah! You.
You are naughty.
I got to go, he just walked in.
(Leanne)
Yeah. Stop. Bye.
Better not be a client.
It's my boyfriend.
- Beaver?
- Bevan.
Hey, these are great offices.
Whose are they,
and how long we got 'em?
Marty Lynch, and two days,
or five to ten years,
depending on whether
she's guilty of tax fraud.
It doesn't pull out.
So you and Kevin
are really--
Bevan. We've been together
for two years.
Doesn't seem possible.
Why? 'Cause you can't
sustain a relationship
longer than a fortnight?
- What did you say?
- Which part?
Have you been talking
to Ben and Scarlet?
No.
So everybody thinks
I can't be in a relationship?
No, I'm sure there's a monk
up a mountain in Tibet
who hasn't heard the memo.
In other news,
your new clients posted bail.
- How much?
- $50,000 each.
Which means they have money.
Which means I'll have money.
Which means I'll have money.
Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
Wait, these guys have money?
What are they,
trust fund hipsters?
No, they're not hipsters.
They're amish.
- What are they charged with?
- Attempted murder.
Ah, yes,
the amish crime of choice.
That, along with over-whipping
the ox.
They're way overcharged.
It'll never stick.
They attacked an old man
with a razor?
- Who's the ADA on this?
- Ed Chambers.
Oh, my God.
That name-dropping tool.
I bet you $10 right now
he name drops
within two minutes
of seeing him.
Hey, after court, I need a ride
out to Silver Lake.
I'm not driving you,
but check your phone.
I downloaded you an app.
It's called "Joyrider."
You put in your address,
and a real person
comes to pick you up
and takes you
where you want to go.
I'm not getting
into some strange person's car.
They're gonna want
to talk to me.
There'll be germs
and foggy windows.
First two rides are free.
- You really think I'm that desperate?
- I do.
Hey, hey, Howie.
Morning, Mr. Deane.
You watch the Lakers game?
You bet I did.
I told you
it was gonna be close.
Took 'em at the buzzer.
You hear about those three kids
in Silver Lake
- that attacked that old guy?
- Yeah.
What is wrong with people?
I'll let you know.
I'm meeting them later.
Sorry. You've been randomly
selected for a full body search.
We've had a couple breaches
in security recently,
so we're trying to crack down.
Yeah, I can feel that.
I guess maybe you shouldn't
piss off the mayor, huh?
Yes, Mr. Potter?
Uh, Your Honor,
the government asks, yet again,
that the defendant comply
with our subpoena
or be held in contempt.
The IRS has been
more than patient.
I agree, Mr. Potter.
Your Honor, may I once again
- object to this witch hunt?
- You may not.
This is what happens
to decent Americans
when a massive
and petty bureaucracy
is allowed to stifle
their spirit.
No, it isn't.
Mr. Deane, do you have
anything further to add
before I hold you in contempt?
I have three
signed affidavits here,
supporting my claim
that the financial records
were in fa water damaged
due to my recently
moving offices...
Daily occurrence.
That were signed
by the president
of the moving company, as well
as two supporting witnesses.
Mr. Deane,
these affidavits don't appear
to be written in English.
Bulgarian.
Yeah, those haven't
been translated yet.
They just came to my office.
I'm having the said translation
facilitated,
so until that's done, I'm asking
for a brief continuance.
[Laughs]
Movers and rain-damaged files.
You are unbelievable.
Harry, nothing'd make me happier
than to have those files.
They'd exonerate me
in an instant.
Yeah, right. You know what,
enough with this "Harry" crap,
all right?
It's starting to get around.
It's 'cause it's a great name.
'Cause "David Potter's" boring.
I mean,
"Harry Potter" stands out.
You know what, you're lucky
I don't have my wand with me
right now, because I know
where I'd like to shove it.
Where inside me would you like
to shove your wand, Harry?
Wow.
Got yourself a real enterprise
here, Jedidiah.
Smells good.
We live next door
in the main house.
We work here in the bakery,
and all the profits go towards
buying more land in Lancaster.
Oh, back in Pennsylvania.
No. Lancaster here.
It's up north near Palmdale.
Oh.
[Phone ringing]
Oh. 'Scuse me.
Excuse me, Jedidiah.
One of the local markets
looking for their delivery.
Oh, so you have
cell phones too.
Sure you're amish?
You're thinking
of the old order, Mr. Deane.
- We're reformed amish.
- Oh.
We're true to our faith,
but we're open to-- Excuse me.
We're open to the benefits
of the modern world.
Look around.
The amish have never been
so prosperous,
closer to his word.
Mmm.
How does a attempted murder
charge
put you closer to his word?
Oh, my God.
That is-- that's fantastic.
- Thank you.
- How do you do that?
We only use untreated
organic stone-ground flour
and natural sourdough yeast,
and we don't rush the dough.
It's got a crunch to it,
doesn't it?
We give it two long,
slow rises.
Two slow rises.
Hmm.
All right, so you were trying
to kill this guy.
[Scoffs]
If I had wanted to kill
Bishop Guth,
he would be dead by now.
I never meant him
any physical harm,
and what we did was justified
within the bounds
of our beliefs.
Wait, so the victim was--
he was a bishop?
Abraham Guth is a bishop
of Paradise,
- our village in Lancaster.
- Up north?
No, back home in Pennsylvania.
All right, that's gonna be
a little confusing.
I never wanted to kill him.
I wanted to shave him.
[Laughs]
Oh, I'm lovin' this case.
[Buzzing electricity]
Sure. So shaving somebody's
beard, what is that?
Is that, like, a punishment?
It won't make sense
to an outsider.
Bishop Guth came to us
with a message.
We responded
with a message of our own.
Yeah, you need to tell me
what that message is, Jed.
'Cause I'm gonna be
representing you in court,
and the judge is probably--
It's your court, your judge,
not ours.
We may be reform, but we still
follow our core beliefs.
We don't fight in your wars,
we don't worship
in your churches,
and we do not involve ourselves
in your courts.
Trust me, you're involved.
Solomon, Mordechai,
thank you very much.
If I'm gonna be condemned
by English laws,
- then it's Gottes wille.
- Who?
Gottes wille.
It's God's will.
And you and your English courts
have no authority
over that, Mr. Deane.
I'm having a hard time
believing all this, Jedidiah.
I'm sorry I couldn't be
more helpful.
No, no. It's just,
I can't believe
an amish guy's got a car,
and I don't.
How you doin'?
Okay.
[Engine starting]
(Jedidiah)
Good day.
Hey.
[Sighs]
Hey, there.
Are you my Joyrider?
Yes.
You look really familiar.
Have we ever, um--
No, no, no, I'm... I'm new
to the Joyrider experience.
I have done
a little TV, though.
Mm?
Maybe you've seen me, uh,
On The Record.
Oh, with Greta Van Susteren?
Yeah.
So you're a lawyer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's perfect.
I have this nagging question.
I just finished
that eminent domain piece
in the Columbia Law Review,
and I'm really confused.
What determines
fair market value?
Fair market value is determined
by a legal authority
that sets an absolute value
on a product or a service.
Actually, I'm sorry,
isn't that imposed value?
It probably is.
How do you know that?
I like to read.
[Both chuckle]
And I also like
to impress handsome men
- that get into my car.
- [Chuckles]
Are you hungry?
[Siren whoops]
This is incredible.
They use a high-protein flour
and a special yeast,
and they give the dough
two slow rises.
That's the key.
It's the rises.
Hey, this was really fun.
How do we do this again?
Oh, check your phone.
The app automatically sends you
my contact info
when the ride's done.
You give me a high rating,
I become one of your
preferred drivers.
Well, I'm definitely
gonna do that...
- Brooke.
- Brooke.
- Brooke Alexander.
- Keegan Deane.
All right, I'm gonna
see you very soon.
I hope so.
You promise me one thing?
Yeah?
You'll bring the bread.
We'll see.
[Police radio chatter]
I hope the judge gets here soon.
I have a lunch.
Oh.
Who you having lunch with?
Linda Nussman, just a friend.
Actually, second cousin.
She's Charles Barkley's
accountant.
[Laughs]
[Beep]
48.2 seconds.
- What are you talkin' about?
- It's a personal best for you.
Plus, you won me 10 bucks.
All right, boys,
keep it brief, please.
I don't want to be late
for my therapy appointment.
You've got five minutes.
You don't even
have to sit down.
(Keegan)
My clients have no priors.
This is a simple skirmish
between some amish guys.
Minor skirmish
involving a razor.
They weren't trying
to hurt your client, Ed.
No, they just surrounded him,
pushed him to the ground,
and shaved him.
(Keegan) Oh, well, in
that case, my goodness,
forget about attempted murder.
You should go
for "Forced grooming
in the third degree."
This is a simple assault.
Nothing else.
Why'd they shave the beard?
It's an amish thing.
They just--
It's the way they
settle their disputes.
There's no case here, Janet.
I'm telling you,
this is a little "manscaping"
gone bad, that's it.
(Ed) Your Honor, in
the amish culture,
a man's beard can be seen
as a symbol
of his faith
and devotion to God.
Don't do this, Ed.
Since this attack targeted
my client's facial hair,
and therefore
his religious beliefs...
- Ed.
- ...this is no longer
a simple attempted murder
charge.
Ed, stop this.
This is now a hate crime.
A hate crime?
Would you straighten him out
on this?
He's trying to set you up.
[Laughs] Thank you for worrying
about my reputation.
Look, Keegan,
worry about your clients.
I've looked at the case.
There's precedent here.
I think that's a stretch.
No, the attack
was clearly motivated
by the victim's
specific religious beliefs.
Your clients are looking
at an additional
15 years in prison
if convicted.
Anything else?
Enjoy therapy.
Be a lot more meaningful if we
had a drink first, you know?
Look, I don't like this
any more than you do, Kee,
and it's only gonna get worse.
At least light
a few candles, Howie.
You might want
to figure out a way
to get on the mayor's good side
again real soon.
- Huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Mr. Guth, you mentioned earlier
that you went--
Bishop Guth.
Of course.
You mentioned earlier
that you went
to my client's house
to discuss an urgent matter.
Ja, that is right, but instead
of speaking to me reasonably,
he and his henchmen
attacked me.
[Scoffs] Would've thought
that had been sharper.
The urgent matter, what was it?
I came to collect
Mary Stultzfoos,
to bring her back to Paradise.
Paradise?
That is our home,
back in Pennsylvania.
Oh, because--
Mary's actually a member
of Mr. Plank's reformed sect
here in Los Angeles.
I recognize no such sect.
Mary's family feared
that Jedidiah and his boys
were holding her against
her will, and they were.
And when I made
to leave with her,
these animals tried
to rip my throat out.
That's what they tried to do?
Ja, ja.
These-- these three guys
over here?
- Ja.
- Stand up.
(Keegan)
Go ahead.
These three young,
healthy, fit men
against... you.
Ja.
No disrespect, but that's--
[Laughs]
If what you say is true,
that they were trying
to rip your throat out,
how is it all they managed
was to give you a lousy shave?
Sir, I had to visit a hospital.
I had to have stitches.
- How many?
- The number is not important.
- Your Honor?
- Answer the question, please.
How many?
Two.
Two?
No further questions.
(Sports radio announcer)
Shot goes wide past the net.
Pass off to...
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Go. Go!
- Go. Yes!
- Yes! Winner!
- Chicago takes it!
That's right.
- Hey!
- Winner.
Somebody likes hockey, huh?
[Laughs] Oh, no, actually,
I just-- I like betting on it.
Oh, you-- you gamble?
Listen, okay?
It is only called gambling
if you lose.
[Laughs] No, I'm-- I'm just--
I'm good at stats
and mathematical probability,
and my old boyfriend
sets the odds line
at a major casino in Vegas.
So you only gamble on sports?
Yeah, that's it.
And the horses.
If you can get
over to Santa Anita
tomorrow afternoon,
PrettyLittlePenny in the third,
10-to-1 on the morning line,
guaranteed winner.
I'm-- I'm not getting
fooled again.
- What?
- Ben and Scarlet, right?
Who? What?
Did they put you up to this?
What?
- This is a setup.
- No.
I'm deleting your app.
I'm getting out.
No, wait.
[Stutters and laughs]
What are you talking about?
I'm not new to this game,
Brooke.
- Come on, this is--
- [Laughs] What?
Perfect women don't just
drop into your lap every day?
You are far from perfect.
You're sitting in a car,
straddling a man
you just met, okay?
That's a little crazy.
Mm.
- I like a little crazy.
- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Mm, the only thing
you have to know about me
is that I'm into older men,
you lucky boy.
- It's a trap.
- No, it's not!
It-- it is not a trap.
I'm about to make
a huge mistake.
My friends, Ben and Scarlet,
they're having
a recommitment ceremony
on Saturday.
It's-- it's absurd,
but it's a party.
Please tell me
you're not available.
I'll be there.
Is this a setup?
No, it's not.
[Laughs]
[Dice rattle]
Oh, I win.
Three in a row.
Kee, pay attention.
You're off your game.
Well, I'm just lulling you
into a false sense of security.
Like a cobra, hiding
in the weeds, ready to strike.
Yeah, well...
you are a snake.
I know that.
♪ anything to make it
all right ♪
[Grunts]
♪ I can't help myself ♪
- What is it?
- Whose perfume is that?
I-I don't smell--
- Keegan.
- What? I don't.
I was driving around
with some woman today.
Oh, and?
And?
This feels very strange, Mikki,
'cause I pay to be here...
which should very clearly
define our relationship,
but when you're jealous,
it makes it very unclear.
No. No, no, no.
I'm not jealous.
Yeah, you are.
Huh?
All right.
Careful. Ah!
[Zipper]
Ah! God!
What are you doing?
Take it easy.
Okay, okay.
Ah.
Does it bother you
when you leave here,
because I have another client
showing up?
No.
Oh, come on.
Bothers me a little bit.
Yeah. Why?
I-- [Laughs]
I just-- I don't know.
I'd like to think we have
something a little different.
[Music continues in background]
♪
[Laughs]
Oh, my God.
What? What,
I'm opening up to you.
You are such a sap.
No, I'm being honest,
and if you were honest,
you'd admit that it bothers you
that I smell like another woman.
No, Keegan, what you do outside
of this room is your concern.
I just don't need
my other clients
thinking that's my perfume.
It's cheap.
Go take a shower.
If I take a shower,
we're not gonna have time
- for anything else.
- Hmm.
Funny how that works.
♪ is this the good life? ♪
Mr. Plank, how long
have you lived in Los Angeles?
Two years this winter.
So why travel
thousands of miles from home?
Why not just settle
in Paradise?
Settle where?
There's an acre plot left
to me and my ten siblings.
That isn't enough land
to build a shed, let alone farm.
So Paradise isn't exactly
paradise, huh?
Why do you think Bishop Guth
was so anxious to get Mary home?
Think her parents were
that concerned about her?
Not at all.
They talk to her once a week
by telephone.
And they miss her,
but they can hear her voice
and tell how happy she is.
So the real reason
this man wanted
to take this woman away
from you--
It's just that.
She's a woman.
Before she arrived,
our sect members were all men.
And now, with a woman
as a part of our community,
there's a possibly for children,
and children mean future.
And that's the last thing
Bishop Guth would want
- for your sect.
- Yes.
Do you love her?
Very much.
Hey.
Carlotta have the baby?
(Roy)
No. It's months away.
Two seconds, guys.
I can't believe
you're gonna be a daddy.
Yeah. I just hope you're
around to see it, my brother.
Thing is, you owe us $63,000.
Victor needs to see some cash.
I know. You got to trust me,
Roy, the money's coming, okay?
(Roy) Yeah, I hear you.
Look here, Kee,
I love you, man,
but you are puttin' me
in an awkward position
with Victor.
Next time I see you,
I'm gonna have to give you
a painful reminder
about paying up.
Okay, take it easy.
I understand, all right?
(Roy) Nothin' personal.
Just is what it is.
I'll be lookin' for you.
No, Roy. Roy.
- Kee.
- [Starts]
- Are you okay?
- I'm... fine.
Are you serving bread
at your recommitment ceremony?
Bread? I think
the caterers are bringing rolls.
No. No, no.
No catered rolls.
I'm bringing the bread.
It's my gift to you and Ben
on your special,
but ultimately meaningless day.
Knock yourself out.
Listen, I need
to talk to you about something.
Your restraining order
against Margaret has lapsed.
But if you want to extend it,
I can handle it for you.
Extend it?
No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's okay. It's okay.
She hasn't called you
or shown up?
I remember you were
pretty spooked.
I don't remember being spooked.
I was pretty spooked.
The dead birds
wrapped in fabric.
I don't need
a restraining order.
Didn't she try
to burn all your shirts?
Oh, my God, that picture,
with all that blood.
Okay, fine.
You win, okay?
If you want to keep it going
for another few months, fine.
I-I... guess it doesn't
cost anything.
I'll file the extension.
Today?
Yeah.
Does that go effective
immediately?
Immediately.
What does this mean,
"Hate crime"?
We're not hateful people.
Oh, the hate crime's
just an escalation
of the attempted murder charge.
Once I make that charge go away,
and I will, then
the "Hate" element will be gone.
Where are you here?
Oh, yeah, right here.
Um...
Actually, maybe you can
pull up a little further.
Are you going to get out?
Huh?
Are you going to get out?
I might need a favor
from you boys.
[Van door opening]
[Funk music]
♪
What's up, Roy?
It can wait.
Cool.
Talk soon.
You're not helping, Mary.
You're awfully quiet.
Jed and the boys
didn't give me much either.
Mary, I need your help.
What about Guth?
What about Bishop Guth?
I don't think I can help you,
Mr. Deane.
It's not my place to discuss
an elder of the community.
Well, you understand that Jed's
in some very, very serious
trouble here, right, Mary?
He's gonna go away
for a long, long time.
You okay with that?
You smell nice.
It's like a nice little
amish fragrance you got there.
You ever take that handkerchief
out of your head?
- Jedidiah.
- You know, you ever do one of those?
Get the blonde hair flowin'?
I'm assuming it's natural.
- Jedidiah.
- I just don't understand the frumpy dress,
covering up all your backside
goodies, huh?
You could be a model
if you wanted.
Your parents must be beavers,
'cause damn.
- Jedidiah, please.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I being inappropriate, Mary?
I apologize.
I'm just trying to help you.
You're about to become single
in Los Angeles, California.
There's gonna be a long line
of hungry, inappropriate guys
down in that bake shop
of yours.
They're gonna be looking
for more than warm rolls.
They're gonna want to get
a little bit
of that special amish you got.
And Jed is not gonna be there
to help you.
He'll be gone.
Do you need me?
No. No, I'm sorry.
Okay.
[Door closing]
I can tell you
about Bishop Guth.
(Keegan) Bishop Guth,
correct me if I'm wrong,
but as an elder in the church,
you're pretty knowledgeable
about all things amish.
Yes.
So if I was thinking
about becoming amish myself--
Objection. Mr. Deane
has about as much chance
of becoming amish as I have
of becoming Halle Berry,
whom I met at a gallery opening
earlier this year.
He's unbelievable.
Your Honor,
is my interest in becoming amish
will be relevant
to the case at hand.
Short leash, Mr. Deane.
Understood.
Okay, so obviously,
I'd had to make
some lifestyle changes.
I'd change the wardrobe, pick up
one of these fabulous hats.
I've been reading up.
It says that "An amish person
is not allowed to have
a full-length mirror
in their home."
Is that true?
This is true.
A mirror that size
will only lead to vanity.
Amen to that.
And I'd be expected
to grow a beard.
Although, mustaches, that's--
that's frowned upon, right?
Yeah, the roots of our faith
are German,
and in that culture,
mustaches are associated
with military officers.
Hmm.
And beard-cutting
is recognized as a form
of punishment among the amish.
Recognized by whom?
By whom?
By you.
Each district has
its own ordnung.
An "ordnung" being
a set of rules, right?
It varies
from district to district.
So you've never heard of this
beard-cutting business, huh?
Yeah, I have heard of that.
Let me ask you,
as an amish person,
isn't it prohibited
to file a lawsuit?
- Sir?
- This is not allowed,
but the savagery of this attack
demanded that a lesson
be taught--
But this attack was not
an attempted murder.
That's the charge
that you wanted,
because if Mr. Plank and
his friends are found guilty,
then they're gonna go to prison
for a long, long time.
There will be
no more reform sect,
and what a message
for you to send
back to the youth of Paradise
who were even thinking
about moving west.
Two birds with one stone,
right?
- Now?
- Yeah.
So beard-cutting as a punishment
has been recognized
according to these documents
as far back as 1709,
but I'm thinking
you already knew that,
because you've not only
had this done to you, sir...
you've done it yourself.
[Door opening]
I'm over here.
Recognize him?
That's Isaac Graber.
Sir, do you recognize him?
This gentleman here
was found to have
rubber tires on his tractor
four years ago,
and his punishment
was to have his beard cut.
Do you want to tell these people
who cut his beard, Bishop?
Or should I?
On the count
of attempted murder,
we find the defendants
not guilty, Your Honor.
And how do you find
as to count two, assault?
We find the defendants guilty,
Your Honor.
(Janet) As this is a
misdemeanor conviction,
I'm gonna deliver my sentence
from the bench.
The defendants
are hereby sentenced
to six months in county jail.
Your Honor,
that is the maximum sentence.
- Given the facts--
- Counselor,
you convinced the jury.
You didn't convince me.
Let's let your clients
be an example
of those who use violence
to settle religious disputes.
[Gavel bang]
- [Crowd murmurs]
- Jed.
Jacob Hilty and his brothers
are on their way.
I'll see to it they look after
Mary until you are released.
(Bailiff)
Mr. Plank.
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you, Bishop.
Another amish tradition,
Mr. Deane.
Forgiveness.
Since 1709.
[Spanish jazz music playing]
Let me-- let me see if I can find
the big groom of the hour.
Here he is. Benny.
- Hey.
- How are you?
Wow, look at you.
Yeah, Scarlet picked it out.
- This is her, Brooke Alexander.
- Ben Leon.
Thank you for having me.
Nice meeting you, Brooke.
I've heard way too much about
you the last couple of days.
If we make it through a week,
recommitment time. Big party.
Don't worry.
You're invited.
[Laughs]
Okay, she's a keeper.
Don't screw it up.
Hey, did the bride arrive?
The bride's here.
Thank you.
(Keegan)
Frances, you look lovely.
Why, thank you, Keegan.
This is my date.
This is Brooke Alexander.
This is Ben's mother, Frances.
- Pleasure.
- Likewise.
Benjamin, your father needs
to speak to you, he's outside.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Anyone care for a drink?
Oh, thank you, no.
I'll have a bourbon.
Okay.
What a lovely girl.
How much is she by the hour?
I love her dark hair.
Reminds me of snow white.
You remember her,
don't you, Frances?
That's the little girl you tried
to kill with the poison apple.
Keegan, one favor.
If you feel the need
to bang her at some point,
try not to do it
on the buffet table.
I wouldn't want you knocking
over the ice sculpture.
Oh, I never mix sex with ice,
unlike your husband.
Your turn.
Great decorating job, huh?
Scarlet spent a lot of time
on the details.
You wanted to see me
about something, dad?
Did you finish going through
those submissions for Pemberton?
Not yet, there were about 300,
but I'm almost done.
I thought you didn't need 'em
until Wednesday.
It doesn't matter.
I'll get someone else to do it.
Steve.
You must be the fabulous Brooke.
Scarlet Leon.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
Oh, well, it's official,
I love her.
[Both laughing]
So good news for you, Kee.
Mayor's office called.
He won't be joining us.
Mm. Major disappointment.
I'd cancel the party,
send everybody home.
Yeah, well, Gloria's here
representing him, so--
His wife? She's here?
- Yeah.
- Where?
She's that striking woman
right over there
- in the black lace dress.
- One sec.
Wait.
Kee, what are you gonna do?
Calm down.
I just want to talk to her,
get her to call her husband off.
I'll be right back.
Oh, no problem.
Take your time.
Excuse me.
Is there any chance you could
get your husband off my ass?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, is there any chance
you could get--
Keegan Deane.
My husband thinks you're
the Antichrist incarnate,
which is probably why you've
come over to butter me up,
in the hopes
that I'll be charmed enough
to help thaw relations
between you two.
Sadly enough, I won't.
So don't.
I hope that wasn't too direct.
No.
No, now I understand
why your husband's
always so pissed off.
[Laughs]
Enjoy the party.
[Spanish jazz music playing]
♪
- Hey.
- Hello.
[Smooch]
You look great.
- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah. Hey, listen,
I want you to meet my date.
She's really something.
She's smart, pretty, gambles.
If her father owns
a liquor store,
she could be your dream girl.
Hope it lasts.
Excuse me.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.
I'm glad you're happy.
Yeah, but what--
what do you mean?
Every time you meet someone new,
it's all sunshine and roses,
everything's perfect,
but the first misstep,
the first wrong note,
and you panic.
And then the relationship's
damaged goods.
And rather than
actually work on it,
you flee and run off to find
the next perfect thing.
And that's only ever
gonna change--
- Hey.
- Oh, Bruce.
This is my ex, Keegan Deane.
Oh, wow.
Kee, this is my friend,
Bruce Mangan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Bruce owns that great raw juice
place near Finn's school.
Yeah, The Master Presser.
You should check it out, dude.
Yeah, juices, huh?
Um, well, I got to run.
[Laughs]
Well, he seems like a nice guy.
You told me he was
kind of a lunatic.
Give it time.
[Mellow jazz music playing]
- Two slow rises?
- That's right.
Oh, it sounds delicious.
[Whispering]
Kee. Kee.
Uh--
- Hey, you look great.
- Hey.
- Come on, walk with me.
- Huh?
- Walk with me.
- Where are we goin'?
- This about the bread?
- No.
The bread is fine.
Just stop with the bread.
- Okay.
- I'm not doing this.
What?
The ceremony, the whole thing.
God, Kee, you were right
about everything you said.
It's meaningless,
and it's showy, and it's absurd.
I don't think
I said "Absurd."
Yeah, you did,
and I'm calling it off.
You can't cancel it.
Scarlet, there's 150
of the most well-connected,
self-serving, hypocritical
pricks in the city there.
I'm not going through with it.
Does Ben know?
[Whispering]
Of course not.
Okay, we'll go back in,
we'll tell everybody to go home.
Yeah?
Yeah, come on.
Okay, let's do it.
Of course, there's Frances
in there.
- [Scoffs]
- I can't wait to see
- her reaction.
- She's gonna love this.
You know how she loves chaos.
Yeah.
Kids.
Like Max,
he's running around
with his tuxedo,
so proud of you guys.
It's a little heartbreaking,
but he'll be all right.
Look, you'll talk to Ben.
I'll go tell everybody
we're calling it a day, okay?
I'll get the mic.
You'll be fine.
Kee.
I'm a car wreck.
Car wreck in a nice dress.
[Crying]
It's a great dress.
Scarlet, come on.
I remember all this.
You've done this before, okay?
The day you guys got married.
You're forgetting.
"I can't marry him.
I don't know him.
I'm going to ruin his life."
Kee, I freaked out back then,
because maybe I thought
that Ben wasn't the one,
or maybe I thought
that there was somebody
more right out there for me,
or maybe--
I don't know,
maybe I thought that you and I
would get back together
and try again.
That was a weekend.
It was four days.
Scarlet, you and I wouldn't be
walking you up a driveway.
I'd be walking you off a bridge.
[Laughs]
Is it possible
that after 15 years
and three kids
and a pretty wonderful life...
I'm the one who's afraid
of commitment?
Come on.
[Wistful music]
♪
Help! Somebody!
Please, call an ambulance!
A man has collapsed.
Please, hurry!
[All speaking at once]
[Ambulance radio chatter]
I pulled the car around.
I'll go with Scarlet, all right?
- Thanks, Kee.
- All right. You okay?
I'm fine.
I'll see you over there.
Okay.
Ugh, that poor man.
I feel awful.
Never had anyone
die on me before.
No, no, no, no.
He's not dead.
He's not dead.
He'll be all right.
[Sighs]
What do you mean, "On you"?
He was so forceful.
He took me in the bedroom,
and the next thing I knew,
we were having sex.
Who?
- Arthur.
- What?
Okay, Kee, the kids are
with the neighbors, let's go.
Okay, we got to-- Art--
be right there.
What?
Arthur and you, what?
I'm really sorry.
You had sex with
my best friend's father here?
Are you crazy?
You knew I was crazy.
You said you liked it.
No, I said I liked
a little crazy.
That man was just
taken away on a gurney.
There's nothing little
about that.
Well, I said I liked older men.
Oh, right.
Of course!
All of the telltale signs
were there for me, Brooke.
I should've seen it coming,
right?
You're out of your mind, okay?
I never should've
brought you here.
You know why?
Because I'm not a guest
anymore.
- Kee!
- I'm an accessory.
I'm coming.
Good-bye.
I got to go.
I got to go,
but I'm just gonna say this.
These people, they all think
I can't maintain a relationship.
They think I'm the problem!
They don't know
what I'm wrong with!
(Scarlet) - Kee!
- Coming.
I don't even care. Honestly,
it's okay.
It's okay.
But your app's deleted.
What's the latest?
He's stable.
It was a stroke,
and the next few days
are critical,
in terms of seeing
how he comes out of it.
Thanks.
[Sighs]
It's weird.
He was found in Max's bedroom.
What was he doing in there?
I don't know.
How should I know?
He never showed
any interest in the kids.
I can't stop thinking
it means something
that he was found in that room.
Obviously, a powerful force
pulled him in there.
Like an urge.
An urge, yeah.
I'm sorry, Ben.
It's not like it's your fault.
Hey, Scarlet and I,
we really like Brooke.
Oh.
Yeah, it's not gonna work out.
You kidding?
What happened?
Um... stuff.
[Laughs]
You did it again, brother.
Yeah, you know me.
Listen, Ben, it's been great
living with you, me, Scarlet,
being under one roof,
but you got a lot
on your plate right now
with your father.
I think I'm gonna move out,
get my own place.
Okay.
I mean, unless you need help.
No.
- Watch the kids?
- No.
- Maybe just one--
- No.
Got it.
So how soon can you move out?