Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 3 - Throw Maw Maw from the House, Part Two - full transcript
It's operation prison break for Maw Maw.
Oh, hi, there.
I've been put in a nursing home.
Oh, you didn't know that?
Who is she talking to?
I don't know.
She's losing it. Yesterday,
she said she won an Oscar and
slept with Warren Beatty.
I guess you're wondering
how I got here.
Well, it all started
a long, long time ago,
when the Harlem globetrotters
played their first game
in Hinckley, Illinois,
and after the game,
a very sweet, nice woman
made her way onto the bus
and nine months later,
I was born.
And 86 years after that...
A social worker came
to check up
on my great-granddaughter hope.
At first, she seemed
like a nice lady.
I have a cat.
Her name is muffin.
Oh, my.
But then she stopped worrying
about hope and started
worrying about
how I was being treated.
That better not be
the last piece of Taffy!
Maw maw, no!
The way that you treat this
poor old woman is reprehensible.
I'm taking Barbara
June somewhere
where she can get the
care that she deserves.
You don't understand. We
have to treat her like that.
- She's crazy!
- Who wouldn't be?
You torture her with hot sauce,
you tie her up in saran wrap
and imprison her in her room!
Hey, it's hard on us, too.
We got to reuse that saran wrap.
All our sandwiches taste like
talcum powder and mothballs.
So, she had me taken away
to this state-run nursing home.
And now you're all caught up.
So, if you'll excuse me,
Mr. wall,
I promised to explain everything
to the water fountain as well.
Whoo!
# Here we go #
# oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! #
You have to let
my grandmother out of here.
This place is depressing,
and for some reason,
you have your Thanksgiving
decorations up.
It's gonna confuse her.
Some of our residents don't make
it to their favorite holiday,
so we have Christmas, easter and
Thanksgiving every three weeks.
Just let me see her.
I'm sorry, but for
her own protection,
the state prohibits you from
seeing Barbara June Thompson.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you can tell the state
that two years ago we earned
enough to pay taxes, so...
They work for us.
Hey, buddy.
Same shirt!
Oh, my God, it's me
from the past.
I knew you'd come.
Listen to me.
When you go on that
business trip to Bangkok,
wear a condom.
He seemed cool.
Hey, just for the record,
when you go crazy,
do you want me to put you
in a place like this,
or do you want to just be
a burden to me and the kids?
No, definitely put me
in a place like this.
And you want me to do
the same for you, right?
Oh! No, I'm not going crazy.
Oh, no. No one in
my family ever has.
Yeah, you're gonna go crazy.
She's right,
Jimmy... everybody
goes bananas in our family:
There's maw maw,
there's crazy Uncle Mike,
crazy Uncle Tim.
Didn't you say you had a...
A crazy Uncle Bobby
who would only travel
via jet ski?
Took him six months
to get to Arizona.
Man, this place
is on lockdown. It'd be easier
getting into Tim Tebow's pants.
Maybe this is the best
thing for maw maw.
And we could make
some extra money
by turning her old room
into a bed-and-breakfast.
Hey, we could rent it out
to an old person
who says and does funny things
and acts all kooky,
but this time,
we won't get attached.
We're not turning her room
into anything
because it's still her room.
We need to figure out a way
to sneak her out of here.
- Well, mom, they're gonna know it was us who took her.
- So...
We'll hide her.
Maw maw deserves to live out
her days in her own home,
surrounded by her loving family,
who is hiding her in the attic.
- It certainly worked for Anne Frank.
- See?
Worked for Sabrina's friend,
and it'll work now.
It's time for this family
to sack up.
We're breaking her out
of this hellhole.
So far we have figured out
which random household item
will represent each one of us.
And I still don't think
it's funny that you made me
the nutcracker.
Oh, it's not what you think.
It has nothing to do with that
creepy vacant stare you do.
We just chose that
because you're always
breaking Jimmy's balls.
There's the stare.
Jimmy!
And there's the crunch.
Okay. Does anybody
actually have a plan?
I do.
I have the perfect plan.
Sabrina, wearing
the J.Lo Grammy dress,
will use her feminine wiles
to distract the security guard.
Then I'll stroll in,
dressed as the handsome
cable repairman to the stars,
bulk Masterson.
Once inside, we'll disengage
the security cameras...
which will allow time
for Virginia and Jimmy
to make their move.
They'll be dressed
as food delivery people
to deliver
75 red velvet cupcakes.
74 of those cupcakes
will contain knockout drops
that I've personally made
from chamomile tea,
antihistamines,
and pharmaceutical grade
horse tranquilizers.
Oh.
Mmm.
The 75th cupcake
is the one maw maw will eat.
You'll know it
by the initials M.M.
Ah.
Oh.
Yeah.
If something goes wrong,
Jimmy's cart
will also be loaded with
a tray of pies that will have
- guns baked into them.
- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. I guess I just love
maw maw more than you.
Who are you kidding?
This is about you
getting to lick the bowl
after I bake 75 cupcakes.
Well, if you're gonna throw the
baby out with the bathwater...
Sometimes I wish
I'd never given you
that phrase-of-the-day calendar.
Measure once, cut twice,
Virginia.
Here's what
we're gonna do: Jimmy,
do you still have all
your stupid magic supplies?
Oh, no, they're not magic.
They're illusions.
They're under my bed.
I'm not saying
it's not uncomfortable,
I'm just saying it's doable.
A bottle of water, a
couple adult diapers...
With enough postage,
we could finally take
that dream vacation to
hershey, Pennsylvania.
But how are we gonna
fit back in the box
after we eat all
that chocolate?
Nope, there is
no amazing Jimmy on the list.
And I've gotten into
a lot of trouble
lately for letting people in.
We've had a whole string
of robberies.
Well, the truth of it is, is...
I was on the list,
but I made my name disappear.
Whoa.
How'd you do that?
Well, you go right on in, buddy.
They're gonna love you.
Oh, man. I'm glad neither one
of us is claustrophobic.
I know. It's bad enough
that there's not enough air
and the walls are
closing in on me.
Ow.
I got a lot more sympathy
for those illegal immigrants.
It was tight in there.
Now I know why conjoined twins
hate each other.
Is that true?
Has to be.
All right.
Let's go save maw maw.
You ready?
Let's do this.
Oh, oh...
Attention, nursing home staff,
we are about to make
a resident announcement.
Attention, residents!
There will be a magic show
in the auxiliary room!
A magic show!
There she is.
Boring.
Boring.
Ooh, that's good. Oh.
Oh, my God...
They blend all their
food into smoothies!
Oh, man.
If people knew this is what
they were in store for,
they'd never bother flossing.
Focus, Burt.
Jimmy knows six magic tricks.
That only leaves us
about ten minutes
to sneak maw maw out of here.
Oh, their bowel movements
must be smooth as butter.
Thanks for ruining
butter for me.
I'm gonna need a volunteer
from the audience.
Jimmy. We didn't
practice with a volunteer.
Oh, I've been thinking about it.
I think the reason that
everybody in my family's
losing it is because
we're all doing something wrong.
So I need to find an old
person who's still sharp
so I can ask them
what they did right.
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah.
How about you, sir?
I bid ten dollars.
- Okay, not you.
- You... lady.
I love grapes!
Sit down.
Mmm! Oh!
That's the best
lasagna I ever drank.
Oh, he's leaving.
He's leaving.
Maw maw.
Maw maw.
- Oh!
- It's us.
We're here to bust you
out of here.
Oh, great. Ooh.
But my... my mask seems
to be stuck.
Come on. Come on.
Aliens!
It's the aliens!
They've come to make us young.
Take us to the cocoons.
Aliens, aliens, aliens...
Aliens! Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens! Aliens!
A-any more volunteers?
Bingo! I have bingo!
Hey, kid, if you're
not gonna do a trick soon,
I'm gonna go chat up
that crazy new broad
they brought in.
Word is she'll
do anything for Taffy.
Wait, do you know your name
and where you are?
Henry. And I'm at the worst
magic show ever.
Yeah, he knows
exactly where he is.
May I ask you a question?
See, I've been trying
to find an old person
who hasn't lost their marbles
so I can ask 'em,
"how'd you do it?"
Good genes
and crossword puzzles.
Puzzles and pants, got it.
Any chance you're
ever gonna get that kid
out of the trunk or what?
Oh, God.
How did you do that?
Unlike you, I used
to be a magician.
All right, everyone,
time for some
afternoon roughage.
Those of you who have
trouble getting around,
might want to start towards
the bathroom as you're eating.
Great, this is just
the distraction we need.
Remember what happened the last
time we tried to get maw maw
to eat something
other than pickles for lunch?
Go get the trunk.
I want pickles.
These are pickles.
They're Japanese pickles.
The Japanese.
First they shrank the car,
now they made pickles orange.
I love those clever
little bastards.
I can't believe it.
It was hard to admit, but
people in the nursing home
knew a lot of tricks
for taking care
of old people that we didn't.
And their ways
weren't just easier,
they were a lot cheaper.
Aah!
God!
At home, maw maw
liked to bite people
when they tried
to give her her pills.
So, Burt would have to use
a bunch of our hot sauce
to get the job done.
Aah, aah, aah, aah...
Aah, ooh, oh, God.
But the nursing home people
actually made it fun.
And they didn't waste a taco
night's worth of hot sauce.
Oh...
Neck candy.
Mmm.
And when maw maw decided
to play
"the Chinese torture song..."
Time to wrap this up.
We had our way
of dealing with it.
And in doing so,
we wasted 20-sandwiches-worth
of plastic wrap.
But they figured out a way
to change the station.
Don't be nervous,
everyone's gonna love you.
Okay, hello, everyone!
The therapy animals
are all being moved
into the auxiliary room and
guess who just got certified?
Meet Dr. muffin, purr-h. D.
And my mother said I'd
never end up with a doctor.
Come on.
Jimmy's bringing
the van around back.
Let's do this.
We can't take her, Burt.
The staff here is so much
better with maw maw than I am.
I think I just lost
patience over the years
and started treating her crappy.
I owe it to her
to let her stay.
Well, I know it's hard, but
you're doing the right thing.
We'll come visit her every day.
Or every week.
Unless we're tired or busy.
We'll try, that's
the important thing.
Keep an eye on
your husband, sweetheart.
I'm horny and I don't
play by the rules.
I'm not wearing
any diapers.
Did you hear
what she just said?
I told you we didn't
have to wear diapers.
Yeah, and I'm starting
to feel a little self-conscious.
I'm a crazy old lady
hey, who are you?
You get out of my house.
I appreciate you
trying to help, really.
But, this isn't going to
make me stop missing maw maw.
You really miss her, huh?
She's only been at
the nursing home a week
and they take better care
of her than we ever have.
And this is where our
guests take their meals.
Feel free to dine
with "Al Fresco."
Unless that means "naked."
I'm not exactly sure,
I just, uh, copied some stuff
out of a fancy motel pamphlet.
Speaking of which,
can I see that indoor toilet
you wrote so much about?
Yeah, right down the hall.
- What's going on?
- I told you.
I'm turning maw maw's room
into a bed and breakfast.
The guy needs a place
to stay for the holidays.
And, apparently, he got most of
the blood I donated last year,
so we're practically related.
What's he paying you with?
This shirt.
Plus, he pinky promised
if he ever finds a bag of money
in the woods, I get half.
You sure he wasn't
crossing his fingers?
He did the first time,
but I made him do it again.
How's the crossword
puzzle going?
Not good.
I mean, it's just so hard.
I don't know how the geniuses
at TV guide make these things.
Well, I wouldn't
beat yourself up too much.
Your TV only gets two channels.
Hello?
I'm not sure how to say this.
I have some bad news
about your grandmother.
Oh, no.
She's gone, isn't she?
Oh, she's gone all right.
She's gone bat-crap crazy.
I thought I'd seen
everything here.
I lived through the great
senior syphilis epidemic of '08,
but I never thought
I'd see a hostage situation.
She took people hostage?
She's barricaded herself
in the animal therapy lounge.
Ooh.
How many times do I have
to mark my territory
for you filthy cats?
This is my side of the room.
What happened?
She seemed so happy
the last time we were here.
When were you here?
I'll ask the questions.
What got her so upset?
The residents had
just finished their Turkey
and stuffing smoothies and then,
it was time for dessert,
and then somebody ate
the last piece of Taffy.
What? You never want to take
away this woman's Taffy.
Not unless you got
a handful of circus peanuts.
But we didn't know that.
Whoa, whoa, now you've had
enough Taffy, Barbara June.
Let's give the last
piece to someone else.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
calm down, Barbara June.
Why, why?
Why don't we just relax
and watch some fish, hmm?
Aah!
No, don't scare the clown fish.
They're very sensitive.
Candy, candy, candy.
I have candy.
Yum, yum.
That's not candy.
That's generic thorazine.
And then she barricaded herself
in the animal therapy lounge.
You!
You're the one who
stuck me in this hellhole.
Which cat is yours?
None of them.
I would never bring
my cat here; Never.
Oh, God, please,
don't hurt my muffin!
How could she hurt your...
My cat, my cat's
name is muffin.
Anything you want to say
before I disprove the whole
nine lives theory?
Oh, God, you people
need to do something!
Get in there and stop her
before she hurts my muffin.
I'm really gonna need
you to just say cat.
I don't care what
you do to that woman,
just save my cat.
I'll be honest with you...
a balance beam accident left me
with a tilted uterus, and
muffin is as close to a child
as I'll ever have.
You heard the lady.
We got the green light, people.
It's go time.
Muffin!
Aah, aah, Mexican no-no sauce.
Aah, aah!
Aah!
Oh, God, aah, aah!
Oh... finally...
Somebody who knows
how to control me.
Even that stupid do-gooder
with the dumb-looking cat
had to admit,
everyone would be better off
if maw maw went home.
Of course, that did
mean that Natesville's
only one-star bed and breakfast
would have to close down.
Oh!
Awkward.
And since maw maw was expecting
a Thanksgiving dinner
we gave her one
plus we decided to try some
of the tricks we learned
from the folks
at the nursing home.
Maw maw?
Instead of grabbing
the saran wrap, hot sauce
and spray bottle every time maw
maw started to annoy us,
we got a little more creative
with our solutions.
Things around the house
actually got a little
more peaceful
and on those rare occasions
where we had to bring out
the big guns,
well, sometimes that's
just what family has to do.
Your damn pet monkey
stole the last piece of Taffy.
And nothing says family
like squirting your 86-year-old
grandmother in the face so she
won't hit your granddaughter
with a fireplace poker.
Tune in next week for
the exciting conclusion.
Just kidding.
No, you can't stretch this
crap into a three-parter.
I've been put in a nursing home.
Oh, you didn't know that?
Who is she talking to?
I don't know.
She's losing it. Yesterday,
she said she won an Oscar and
slept with Warren Beatty.
I guess you're wondering
how I got here.
Well, it all started
a long, long time ago,
when the Harlem globetrotters
played their first game
in Hinckley, Illinois,
and after the game,
a very sweet, nice woman
made her way onto the bus
and nine months later,
I was born.
And 86 years after that...
A social worker came
to check up
on my great-granddaughter hope.
At first, she seemed
like a nice lady.
I have a cat.
Her name is muffin.
Oh, my.
But then she stopped worrying
about hope and started
worrying about
how I was being treated.
That better not be
the last piece of Taffy!
Maw maw, no!
The way that you treat this
poor old woman is reprehensible.
I'm taking Barbara
June somewhere
where she can get the
care that she deserves.
You don't understand. We
have to treat her like that.
- She's crazy!
- Who wouldn't be?
You torture her with hot sauce,
you tie her up in saran wrap
and imprison her in her room!
Hey, it's hard on us, too.
We got to reuse that saran wrap.
All our sandwiches taste like
talcum powder and mothballs.
So, she had me taken away
to this state-run nursing home.
And now you're all caught up.
So, if you'll excuse me,
Mr. wall,
I promised to explain everything
to the water fountain as well.
Whoo!
# Here we go #
# oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! #
You have to let
my grandmother out of here.
This place is depressing,
and for some reason,
you have your Thanksgiving
decorations up.
It's gonna confuse her.
Some of our residents don't make
it to their favorite holiday,
so we have Christmas, easter and
Thanksgiving every three weeks.
Just let me see her.
I'm sorry, but for
her own protection,
the state prohibits you from
seeing Barbara June Thompson.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you can tell the state
that two years ago we earned
enough to pay taxes, so...
They work for us.
Hey, buddy.
Same shirt!
Oh, my God, it's me
from the past.
I knew you'd come.
Listen to me.
When you go on that
business trip to Bangkok,
wear a condom.
He seemed cool.
Hey, just for the record,
when you go crazy,
do you want me to put you
in a place like this,
or do you want to just be
a burden to me and the kids?
No, definitely put me
in a place like this.
And you want me to do
the same for you, right?
Oh! No, I'm not going crazy.
Oh, no. No one in
my family ever has.
Yeah, you're gonna go crazy.
She's right,
Jimmy... everybody
goes bananas in our family:
There's maw maw,
there's crazy Uncle Mike,
crazy Uncle Tim.
Didn't you say you had a...
A crazy Uncle Bobby
who would only travel
via jet ski?
Took him six months
to get to Arizona.
Man, this place
is on lockdown. It'd be easier
getting into Tim Tebow's pants.
Maybe this is the best
thing for maw maw.
And we could make
some extra money
by turning her old room
into a bed-and-breakfast.
Hey, we could rent it out
to an old person
who says and does funny things
and acts all kooky,
but this time,
we won't get attached.
We're not turning her room
into anything
because it's still her room.
We need to figure out a way
to sneak her out of here.
- Well, mom, they're gonna know it was us who took her.
- So...
We'll hide her.
Maw maw deserves to live out
her days in her own home,
surrounded by her loving family,
who is hiding her in the attic.
- It certainly worked for Anne Frank.
- See?
Worked for Sabrina's friend,
and it'll work now.
It's time for this family
to sack up.
We're breaking her out
of this hellhole.
So far we have figured out
which random household item
will represent each one of us.
And I still don't think
it's funny that you made me
the nutcracker.
Oh, it's not what you think.
It has nothing to do with that
creepy vacant stare you do.
We just chose that
because you're always
breaking Jimmy's balls.
There's the stare.
Jimmy!
And there's the crunch.
Okay. Does anybody
actually have a plan?
I do.
I have the perfect plan.
Sabrina, wearing
the J.Lo Grammy dress,
will use her feminine wiles
to distract the security guard.
Then I'll stroll in,
dressed as the handsome
cable repairman to the stars,
bulk Masterson.
Once inside, we'll disengage
the security cameras...
which will allow time
for Virginia and Jimmy
to make their move.
They'll be dressed
as food delivery people
to deliver
75 red velvet cupcakes.
74 of those cupcakes
will contain knockout drops
that I've personally made
from chamomile tea,
antihistamines,
and pharmaceutical grade
horse tranquilizers.
Oh.
Mmm.
The 75th cupcake
is the one maw maw will eat.
You'll know it
by the initials M.M.
Ah.
Oh.
Yeah.
If something goes wrong,
Jimmy's cart
will also be loaded with
a tray of pies that will have
- guns baked into them.
- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. I guess I just love
maw maw more than you.
Who are you kidding?
This is about you
getting to lick the bowl
after I bake 75 cupcakes.
Well, if you're gonna throw the
baby out with the bathwater...
Sometimes I wish
I'd never given you
that phrase-of-the-day calendar.
Measure once, cut twice,
Virginia.
Here's what
we're gonna do: Jimmy,
do you still have all
your stupid magic supplies?
Oh, no, they're not magic.
They're illusions.
They're under my bed.
I'm not saying
it's not uncomfortable,
I'm just saying it's doable.
A bottle of water, a
couple adult diapers...
With enough postage,
we could finally take
that dream vacation to
hershey, Pennsylvania.
But how are we gonna
fit back in the box
after we eat all
that chocolate?
Nope, there is
no amazing Jimmy on the list.
And I've gotten into
a lot of trouble
lately for letting people in.
We've had a whole string
of robberies.
Well, the truth of it is, is...
I was on the list,
but I made my name disappear.
Whoa.
How'd you do that?
Well, you go right on in, buddy.
They're gonna love you.
Oh, man. I'm glad neither one
of us is claustrophobic.
I know. It's bad enough
that there's not enough air
and the walls are
closing in on me.
Ow.
I got a lot more sympathy
for those illegal immigrants.
It was tight in there.
Now I know why conjoined twins
hate each other.
Is that true?
Has to be.
All right.
Let's go save maw maw.
You ready?
Let's do this.
Oh, oh...
Attention, nursing home staff,
we are about to make
a resident announcement.
Attention, residents!
There will be a magic show
in the auxiliary room!
A magic show!
There she is.
Boring.
Boring.
Ooh, that's good. Oh.
Oh, my God...
They blend all their
food into smoothies!
Oh, man.
If people knew this is what
they were in store for,
they'd never bother flossing.
Focus, Burt.
Jimmy knows six magic tricks.
That only leaves us
about ten minutes
to sneak maw maw out of here.
Oh, their bowel movements
must be smooth as butter.
Thanks for ruining
butter for me.
I'm gonna need a volunteer
from the audience.
Jimmy. We didn't
practice with a volunteer.
Oh, I've been thinking about it.
I think the reason that
everybody in my family's
losing it is because
we're all doing something wrong.
So I need to find an old
person who's still sharp
so I can ask them
what they did right.
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah.
How about you, sir?
I bid ten dollars.
- Okay, not you.
- You... lady.
I love grapes!
Sit down.
Mmm! Oh!
That's the best
lasagna I ever drank.
Oh, he's leaving.
He's leaving.
Maw maw.
Maw maw.
- Oh!
- It's us.
We're here to bust you
out of here.
Oh, great. Ooh.
But my... my mask seems
to be stuck.
Come on. Come on.
Aliens!
It's the aliens!
They've come to make us young.
Take us to the cocoons.
Aliens, aliens, aliens...
Aliens! Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens!
Aliens! Aliens!
A-any more volunteers?
Bingo! I have bingo!
Hey, kid, if you're
not gonna do a trick soon,
I'm gonna go chat up
that crazy new broad
they brought in.
Word is she'll
do anything for Taffy.
Wait, do you know your name
and where you are?
Henry. And I'm at the worst
magic show ever.
Yeah, he knows
exactly where he is.
May I ask you a question?
See, I've been trying
to find an old person
who hasn't lost their marbles
so I can ask 'em,
"how'd you do it?"
Good genes
and crossword puzzles.
Puzzles and pants, got it.
Any chance you're
ever gonna get that kid
out of the trunk or what?
Oh, God.
How did you do that?
Unlike you, I used
to be a magician.
All right, everyone,
time for some
afternoon roughage.
Those of you who have
trouble getting around,
might want to start towards
the bathroom as you're eating.
Great, this is just
the distraction we need.
Remember what happened the last
time we tried to get maw maw
to eat something
other than pickles for lunch?
Go get the trunk.
I want pickles.
These are pickles.
They're Japanese pickles.
The Japanese.
First they shrank the car,
now they made pickles orange.
I love those clever
little bastards.
I can't believe it.
It was hard to admit, but
people in the nursing home
knew a lot of tricks
for taking care
of old people that we didn't.
And their ways
weren't just easier,
they were a lot cheaper.
Aah!
God!
At home, maw maw
liked to bite people
when they tried
to give her her pills.
So, Burt would have to use
a bunch of our hot sauce
to get the job done.
Aah, aah, aah, aah...
Aah, ooh, oh, God.
But the nursing home people
actually made it fun.
And they didn't waste a taco
night's worth of hot sauce.
Oh...
Neck candy.
Mmm.
And when maw maw decided
to play
"the Chinese torture song..."
Time to wrap this up.
We had our way
of dealing with it.
And in doing so,
we wasted 20-sandwiches-worth
of plastic wrap.
But they figured out a way
to change the station.
Don't be nervous,
everyone's gonna love you.
Okay, hello, everyone!
The therapy animals
are all being moved
into the auxiliary room and
guess who just got certified?
Meet Dr. muffin, purr-h. D.
And my mother said I'd
never end up with a doctor.
Come on.
Jimmy's bringing
the van around back.
Let's do this.
We can't take her, Burt.
The staff here is so much
better with maw maw than I am.
I think I just lost
patience over the years
and started treating her crappy.
I owe it to her
to let her stay.
Well, I know it's hard, but
you're doing the right thing.
We'll come visit her every day.
Or every week.
Unless we're tired or busy.
We'll try, that's
the important thing.
Keep an eye on
your husband, sweetheart.
I'm horny and I don't
play by the rules.
I'm not wearing
any diapers.
Did you hear
what she just said?
I told you we didn't
have to wear diapers.
Yeah, and I'm starting
to feel a little self-conscious.
I'm a crazy old lady
hey, who are you?
You get out of my house.
I appreciate you
trying to help, really.
But, this isn't going to
make me stop missing maw maw.
You really miss her, huh?
She's only been at
the nursing home a week
and they take better care
of her than we ever have.
And this is where our
guests take their meals.
Feel free to dine
with "Al Fresco."
Unless that means "naked."
I'm not exactly sure,
I just, uh, copied some stuff
out of a fancy motel pamphlet.
Speaking of which,
can I see that indoor toilet
you wrote so much about?
Yeah, right down the hall.
- What's going on?
- I told you.
I'm turning maw maw's room
into a bed and breakfast.
The guy needs a place
to stay for the holidays.
And, apparently, he got most of
the blood I donated last year,
so we're practically related.
What's he paying you with?
This shirt.
Plus, he pinky promised
if he ever finds a bag of money
in the woods, I get half.
You sure he wasn't
crossing his fingers?
He did the first time,
but I made him do it again.
How's the crossword
puzzle going?
Not good.
I mean, it's just so hard.
I don't know how the geniuses
at TV guide make these things.
Well, I wouldn't
beat yourself up too much.
Your TV only gets two channels.
Hello?
I'm not sure how to say this.
I have some bad news
about your grandmother.
Oh, no.
She's gone, isn't she?
Oh, she's gone all right.
She's gone bat-crap crazy.
I thought I'd seen
everything here.
I lived through the great
senior syphilis epidemic of '08,
but I never thought
I'd see a hostage situation.
She took people hostage?
She's barricaded herself
in the animal therapy lounge.
Ooh.
How many times do I have
to mark my territory
for you filthy cats?
This is my side of the room.
What happened?
She seemed so happy
the last time we were here.
When were you here?
I'll ask the questions.
What got her so upset?
The residents had
just finished their Turkey
and stuffing smoothies and then,
it was time for dessert,
and then somebody ate
the last piece of Taffy.
What? You never want to take
away this woman's Taffy.
Not unless you got
a handful of circus peanuts.
But we didn't know that.
Whoa, whoa, now you've had
enough Taffy, Barbara June.
Let's give the last
piece to someone else.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
calm down, Barbara June.
Why, why?
Why don't we just relax
and watch some fish, hmm?
Aah!
No, don't scare the clown fish.
They're very sensitive.
Candy, candy, candy.
I have candy.
Yum, yum.
That's not candy.
That's generic thorazine.
And then she barricaded herself
in the animal therapy lounge.
You!
You're the one who
stuck me in this hellhole.
Which cat is yours?
None of them.
I would never bring
my cat here; Never.
Oh, God, please,
don't hurt my muffin!
How could she hurt your...
My cat, my cat's
name is muffin.
Anything you want to say
before I disprove the whole
nine lives theory?
Oh, God, you people
need to do something!
Get in there and stop her
before she hurts my muffin.
I'm really gonna need
you to just say cat.
I don't care what
you do to that woman,
just save my cat.
I'll be honest with you...
a balance beam accident left me
with a tilted uterus, and
muffin is as close to a child
as I'll ever have.
You heard the lady.
We got the green light, people.
It's go time.
Muffin!
Aah, aah, Mexican no-no sauce.
Aah, aah!
Aah!
Oh, God, aah, aah!
Oh... finally...
Somebody who knows
how to control me.
Even that stupid do-gooder
with the dumb-looking cat
had to admit,
everyone would be better off
if maw maw went home.
Of course, that did
mean that Natesville's
only one-star bed and breakfast
would have to close down.
Oh!
Awkward.
And since maw maw was expecting
a Thanksgiving dinner
we gave her one
plus we decided to try some
of the tricks we learned
from the folks
at the nursing home.
Maw maw?
Instead of grabbing
the saran wrap, hot sauce
and spray bottle every time maw
maw started to annoy us,
we got a little more creative
with our solutions.
Things around the house
actually got a little
more peaceful
and on those rare occasions
where we had to bring out
the big guns,
well, sometimes that's
just what family has to do.
Your damn pet monkey
stole the last piece of Taffy.
And nothing says family
like squirting your 86-year-old
grandmother in the face so she
won't hit your granddaughter
with a fireplace poker.
Tune in next week for
the exciting conclusion.
Just kidding.
No, you can't stretch this
crap into a three-parter.