Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Car Boot - full transcript

Fags.

Check.

It's still not here, Mum!

Any minute now, bab.
Just stay there.

It's here, Mum!

Bring it in, bab.

We can handle this, Russ.

One for you, one for Grampy.

Take it to him, bab.
And shut the door.

There might be some
swearing in here.

That's gonna chafe.



Right, you fuckers, how much
do you want from me?

You fucking what?!

Sounds like
it's someone's time of the month.

You know, I think the magic between
me and Callum is fading.

There was magic?

Sure, in the early days.

For our three-day anniversary,
he gave me his jumper

so I could smell him
if I missed him.

Now I feel aroused
whenever I smell Dreft.

Jeez, your "magic" threshold is low.

But then again, you do believe
that Dynamo has actual magic powers.

One day, the world will see
the truth about Dynamo!

That he's a goddamn warlock
and must be stopped!

Right.



As of midday, we are at war
with the gas company.

I'm Uncle Sam, and I want you.

No, thanks, Mum.

I'm going to watch Nymphomaniac,
then Nymphomaniac 2.

I want to mull over Callum whilst
trying to decide

if I'm a nymphomaniac or not.

No can do, Germaine.

You're an inescapable
part of this family

and you're going to bag up some old
tat and flog it at the car boot.

You get me?

Whoa!

Now look here, Mum.
I basically cost you nothing.

I illegally download all
my entertainment from torrent sites.

Well, you don't download gas,
do you, Germaine?

Mrs "let's whack
the thermostat up a notch".

Too much for you to put on
a frigging jumper, isn't it?

Do you have any idea how hard it is
to find fashionable knitwear?

Put me in a jumper
and I turn into the Bulkinator!

Not a good look, Mum.

You're coming too, Yoko.

I can't have you lying here
all day, petal.

You're going a bit
Gorillas In The Mist.

Energy conservation
is good for the planet.

And I got in the bath
after Grampy yesterday.

Yeah, and we all know
he blows his nose into his hands

when he's in there.

That is sacrifice!

I thought that was bath oil...

That's not bath oil, Yoko.

That's Grampy Oil.

But, Mum, I love him!

Tell you what, if you can tell me
his name, you can keep him.

Er...

There you go, old,
non-specific bear! Into the bag!

Captain Sparkles!

Fine, you've saved him.

Er...

I can't allow any hesitations,
deviations or repetitions, bab.

He's being liquidised.

All right, Dad.
You coming to the car boot?

Had a spot of news, Del.

I too am being shoved
into a big black

bin-liner by an irascible woman.

Your mother's filing for divorce.

Dad.

Upstairs.

If it makes you feel any better,

I'm in an abusive relationship too.

With the gas company.

We take their shit because we crave
what they're offering.

For you it's gas, for me it was
over-cooked broccoli

and cheeky afternooners.

Do you want some valerian tea?

I've got some in, if you fancy it?

No, you don't, Del.
I quashed that in May.

Mr Selfridge was heavy this year.

I'll come to the car boot.

Looking at the nicky-nacky-noos
might be just what

I need to raise my spirits.

Only problem is, I can't fit you
and all this shit in the car.

I'll borrow your mum's car.

It's the first Saturday of the month,

she'll be in Leominster
having her feet planed.

Old Mrs Wu will be carving her
a new foot out of solid hoof.

What say I sneak one last
go in Old Faithful?

For old time's sake.

Lee Rhind.

He's so last month.

Like that lumpy period I had.
He's just a love-clot now.

A'right.

You can park in my, er,
special MILF area.

Come closer, petal.

What you earning doing this, bab?

That's the gate.

That's a car.

Smell you later, bummers.
Wah!!

I'm scared.

Don't worry, Yoko.
We'll be OK.

Oi, ginge!

Any space down that way?

I don't know.

Why don't you drive round
and have a look?

You're the one in a car!
Four pound, please.

Thank you.

Yoko! Car!

Right, we're going to have
to go back to basics.

Come on, that's it.

Let's have yer!
Don't be shy!

Right, kids.

If you get lost, find the oldest,
fattest, nanna you can

and stick with her.

She won't be moving fast or far,
so I'll be able to find you.

I do love a car boot.

Takes me right back
to my festival days.

That was living!

People tripping so hard
they were eating their own clothes.

Happy times.

I think I'll do a circuit, Del.

See who's on at the Pyramid Stage.

Well, take it easy, Dad.
You're probably in shock.

You've just had
a massive bitch amputated.

Don't worry, kidder.
I thrive on emotional turmoil.

No, you don't, Dad. You thrive on
gammon, Aldi stout and Krackawheat.

Hey, Mum, can I take five?

I want to find Callum
and make him do a series of emotional

and physical challenges
to impress me.

You have to give five
to take five, Germaine.

It's like National Insurance.
Besides, I've got plans for you.

- All right, Del!
- And here she is now!

Cathy!

Catherine.

Germany.

Your cousin's got
a face-painting stall.

Proper little Alan Sugar, she is.

And you're going to help her.

Learn a trade!

Face-painting is not "a trade", Mum.

Making artisanal cupcakes is a trade.

Selling crocheted boot cuffs
on Etsy is a trade.

Having epic thighbrow is a trade.

The day you make a friggin' cupcake,
I'll concede your point.

But for now...

Here's your Snazaroo.

How can I help you today?

Come on a second.
Now, you go.

I knew you were a jazz fan.

It's in the way you walk.

Actually, I can't stand jazz.
Horrible din.

But I do love the art.

Miles Davies, man.

I always find a couple
when I'm tatting around car boots.

On a good day,
I average five Miles per hour.

I'm with you, darlin'.
These are a few of my favourite pieces.

I'll be sad when they go,
but time moves on.

I get you.

If you love something,
set it free.

Um.

Wise man, that Sting.

Bit of a cock at times,
but then, who isn't?

I totally dig.

Actually, I've got
another line of business,

if you might be interested in
a little extra something?

I am always interested in
a little extra something.

Then step into my boardroom.

Pretend I'm a car.
Direct me.

Stop being a car!
I don't like it.

The cars won't stop, Yoko.
Direct me.

I don't want to!

Come on!
Honk-honk-honk!

- Direct me!
- Nooooo!

OK! I'm not a car,
I'm not a car, I'm not a car!

I don't like it, Aretha!

That was good, Yoko.

You found your anger.

Anger is a fuel.
Use it!

Back off! We're talking!

See?

So, girls want butterflies
or Elsa from Frozen,

which is basically just painting
their lips blue.

Boys want tigers or Spider-Man.

To be fair, the parents
don't really care what it looks like.

They just need somewhere
to dump their kids

while they go to the meat auction.

Don't worry, Cathy,
I think I know how to paint a face.

I've been practising
contouring on Yoko for months.

I made her look exactly
like a Kardashian.

It was Rob Kardashian, but I can only
work with the underlying bone structure.

Blue lips and Spidermans, Germaine.

Keep it simple.

Do you want this one?

So, child, what is
your face painting vision?

- Butterfly or Elsa, bab?
- Elsa, please.

Whoa!
Not so fast.

I need to work out
your face-shape first,

see what we're working with.

Yep. As I suspected.
You have a round face.

I'm not going to lie to you, kid,
that's gonna make life hard.

Still, with a little shading,

maybe we can carve
out some features...

He was my best friend.
£2, please.

Tell you what, you keep him, darlin'.
Good luck to you.

Such a brave girl.

Aye-aye!
Backstreet's back!

You all right, Dad?

I've found peace, Della.

I'm letting your mum go.
I'm letting it all go.

You don't need her cluttering up
your life, like a fucked-up futon.

Exactly.
And now, I've got this.

It's called "Serpent".
This is Grampy's Little Helper.

I bought it from a cool cat
over on the jazz stall.

You can't buy weed
at a car boot sale!

It's a legal high, Del.
Legal.

I could blow this in a policeman's face
and he couldn't touch me.

He'd just get a mellow vibe,
open his heart to the universe

and get on with his day.

Let's whack some tunes on?

Right!
Let's get this tat shifted, yeah?

Whoop!

Eurgh, a wasp!

Nope.

Nothing there.

It's good stuff, this Serpent.

Cheers.

...and he was my best friend.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Wyatt, stick another quid
on the total, petal.

We've made 20 hundred pounds!

"20 hundred pound"?

You and me are going to have to sit down
and do a little maths lesson tomorrow.

Parking you in front of Sesame Street
just isn't doing it, is it, kid?

Right.

You can do this, Yoko.

Where am I supposed to be parking,
kidder?

Think about that sea turtle
with a straw stuck up its nose.

How unjust that was.

Park there, car man.

Chill out, cocker.

See, Yoko?

See what anger can do, OK?

But isn't that what Darth Vader
said to Luke?

Darth Vader got a lot done, Yoko.
He built a Death Star. Twice.

Hi, guys! Are you on gate?
I'm on gate!

Well, I'm on Number Two.

It was going great until I directed
a Bedford into a Transit.

Is Germaine about?

She's on our stall, I think.
Main block.

Three stalls down from the man
selling second-hand sex toys.

OK.

Is your mum on your stall?

Probably.
Mum is kind of...everywhere.

I'll wait here then.

Your mum is gangsta.

That's Germaine.

She says that the last text
I sent her was..."adonyne".

What's "adonyne" mean?
It sounds like toothpaste.

Anodyne.
She's saying your texts are dull.

Which is rich,
given she spent 45 minutes last night

describing her dream eyebrows.

Germaine is so hard to please.

No, she's not.
She's an over-adrenalized simpleton.

All Germaine wants is something that
might have happened on The Bachelor.

Send her the lyrics to...
My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas.

She'll be happy.

Sweet.

He's so right!

I do have lovely lady lumps!

He's drunk off the junk in my trunk!

Usually, he just sends me a load of
aubergine emoticons and the word "brap".

But this is different.

He really "gets" me.

I'm gonna send him a shot
of my bra strap to reward him.

Hey, man, never send real skin pics.

What if he revenge porns you?

- Send him a hand clam instead.
- Excuse me? A what?

You know.
A hand clam?

A trick pic.

A finger minge?

Look.

Wha...?

You see.

That could be my cleavage.

Or my bum.

- Wow, that is really effective!
- Innit?

I sent Lee a shot
of my uncle's bald head last night

and he thought it was my boob.

I have to try this!

Excuse me, Germaine, am I Elsa now?

Hey, kid, don't rush me.

I'm working against
a massive obstacle here!

The obstacle being your face.

So pipe down.

How do you do a finger minge?

Right, you take this one, Yoko.

Think about a pelican
drowning in oil.

Hi, Aretha!

Gainfully employed
in the tertiary economy, I see.

Um...

I'm conducting an informal survey
on unofficial revenue streams.

Cool.

I'm looking for an Ercol chair,

a set of Churchill's war memoirs
and/or a hot dog.

So, should I not be horrible
to this one?

No. Don't be horrible to this one,
please.

I'll see you in class.

I warn you now, I'm gonna grill you
on the Chinese slowdown.

I'll be so ready.

Who was that?

That was my economics teacher.

She's the most intelligent person
I've ever met.

She's really pretty too.

Isn't she?

Cock fan?

It's a classic piece.

Would you take three quid for it?

Not in this economy, dollface.
Try again.

- 3.50?
- Tell you what.

You tickle my knackers,
I'll tickle yours.

3.75.

OK.

Stella's got her groove back, kid!

I'm operating on a higher plane.

It's like I can see in their faces
what they're willing to pay.

You see her?

She will give me 5.25
for that broken xylophone.

Well, go and sell it to her then,
"The Car-boot Whisperer".

Actually, Del, turns out
I've got unfinished business.

The Serpent's awoken
my deepest chakra.

Time for the Portaloos, I think.

There's no bog-roll
in them Portaloos, Dad.

I had to wipe Mariah
down on her tights.

Never fear, I have a plan!

Your mum sent me a couple of ply
this morning, remember!

They're legal documents!
You need to sign those, you soft sod!

Mariah, customer.

Sending her those lyrics
was a bustin' move!

She's taken things up a level.

She's sent me...

She's sent me...

No... I don't know what
she's sent me. But it is hot.

Thanks, Aretha!

- What shall I send next?
- I'm a bit busy.

You might have to woo
Dr Strangelove on your own. Right.

Come on, Yoko.

Think about how the emissions
from that car are causing

the polar ice caps to melt.

Starving polar bears, Yoko.
Polar bears.

Hey, kidder.
How about I give you two quid,

you wave me in
and you don't tell your gaffer?

Is that a bribe?

Are you trying to bribe me?!

Yes, he is, Yoko.

How do you feel about that?

- That's wrong, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

Oi, chill out, copper nob!
It's cheap entry to a car boot,

not extraordinary rendition.

I don't think
I'm going to let you in.

Sorry.

Tah!

Yeah, he's so right!

I never am knowingly undersold.

I think he's maybe just reading stuff
off the side of vans now, Germaine.

So, I've done elbow cleavage,
toe gap and finger-gina

What next?
I'm running out of rude.

Well, you could do
some earhole action.

Take it to the next level.

Of course!

Earhole action!

Germaine. Am I Elsa now?

Yeah, yeah.
You're done.

I didn't do you as Elsa,
in the end.

Turns out I don't actually know
what she looks like.

Instead, I did you as someone better.

I don't like it...

What have you done to her face, man?

She's a later years
Elizabeth Taylor, obviously!

I mean, ideally,
she'd be wearing a muu-muu

and accessorised with a drunk
Richard Burton, but you know,

you can only work with
what you've got.

Mummy!

Hey, kid, what is your problem?

Elizabeth Taylor is an icon!

An icon!

What a bitch!

God bless the car boot.

Stick any old shit on a trestle table
and someone will buy it.

Who'd've thought there'd be demand
for half a bag of cat litter,

a single moonboot
and a knackered mini-fridge?

Excuse me.

Are you this girl's mother?

I'm not very happy about what
she's done to my daughter's face.

Er, man! The real crime here is
what you did to her face.

You gave her that chin!

Er, zip it, Germaine.

Let's work something out here, bab.

- I want my money back.
- I see.

Well, I'm sorry, bab,

but lacklustre customer service is
what this country is all about.

Doing a shitty job and charging you up
the wazoo for it is a basic human right.

- That's capitalism.
- This is outrageous!

Welcome to Cameron's Britain, love.

I'm going to find security.
This isn't over!

Right, pack up the unsold tat!
We're out of here!

I don't need car boot security
on my ass.

But what about Grampy?

Don't you worry about your old Grampy.
He's got 25 quid in loose change

and a kilo of Serpent

and he ain't too proud
to sleep in a bush.

He'll be just dandy.

Pack quicker!

Anyone not in the car in ten seconds
gets left behind.

Aaaah.

Don't do it to yourself, laddie.

I've just let out
35 years of pain in there.

You get me?

I'd find a bush if I were you.

Check it out!
I'm live streaming this on Periscope,

and someone's live streaming me
live streaming it!

This is amazing!

We did that.

No, Yoko.

You did that.

These are your tailbacks.

Get in. We're leaving.

Yoko, evac!

Callum! Callum!!

Callum! Callum!

Callum!

Chill out, Bonnie and Clyde!

That was a great car boot, Mum.
I've unlocked Callum's poetic side.

Our relationship is
on a whole new level now!

You idiot.

I told him to look up
lyrics on the internet

and send them to you
and it totally worked.

I did a Cyrano de Bergerac on you.

You Bergerac'd me?

Yeah.

Classic Bergerac.

Now I know it was you
behind this whole thing,

I'm even more aroused.

Germaine!

Sure, you say it was a joke,
but I know the truth.

You find me fascinating.
Of course you do.

You want in on the Germaine pie.
I get that.

I am a rich and meaty dish.

Welcome to our relationship, Aretha.

I can give you my number
if you fancy meeting up again.

It's up to you.
No pressure, Chief.

What happens at the car boot
stays at the car boot.

I can go with that.

I'll tell you what.

It's bloody good stuff, this Serpent.

I'm tripping balls, here.

I can see a tiny,
sobbing Elizabeth Taylor over there

being interviewed by a policeman.

I bloody love divorce!