Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 2 - Hairy Poppins - full transcript

♪ You've got your mother in a whirl

♪ She's not sure
if you're a boy or a girl

♪ Hey, babe, your hair's all right

♪ Hey, babe, let's go out tonight

♪ They put you down,
they say I'm wrong

♪ You tacky thing,
you put them on

♪ Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress

♪ Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess

♪ Rebel Rebel, how could they know?

♪ Hot tramp, I love you so! ♪

Brunch?



- What's going on?
- Why is that child in the sink?

Are you drinking maple syrup?

- Where's your mother?
- She's at work, Grampy.

Is she now?

It's about time I had a day
without your mum's ball-ache.

Ooh, she does harp on! "Hoover this,
flush that." Yap, yap, yap.

What was that, Dad?

I was just telling the kids

how you're working like a
blue-arsed fly to pay for this lot.

Not quite, Dad. A blue-arsed fly
only lives for three days

and then it dies and gets a holiday.

I've been doing this shit for 16
years. Get your arses down here.

- Right-o, Del.
- The struggle is real, eh?

- I've can celled my shift at
- Pound Lord because the frigging
landlady is coming over.



We need to get this place
inspection-ready.
Take the bookshelves down.

- Pretend we don't use Blu-Tack.
- Hide the fags. All that bollocks.

Right, you, pull your fingers out,
you ingrates.

- You hoover the stairs.
- You flush the toilet.

As far as Cersei Lannister is
concerned, I only have three kids,

so the rest of you
are going to have to bugger off.

You're not ashamed of us,
are you Mum? Nope.

But it is easier if I pretend
some of you don't exist.

- So I've arranged for you
to see your father.
- Yeh! Dada!

- All right, calm down.
- He's not One Direction.

He's a soya-munching skinflint
who bodged my exhaust.

He'll be pissing off
to the North Sea again soon,

so make the most of him while
he's around. Not you, Aretha.

- I want you to stay with me.
- You're the most presentable child.

- That's discrimination.
- Why should I miss out on seeing Dad?

Because I can trust you to maintain
a polite veneer while the silly cow

pokes about my cupboards and moans
about the price of smoke detectors.

Oh, the double-edged sword of my
relative social acceptability.

Yeh! Papa! I can't wait to see him

and get a top-up of masculine energy.

Oi! What about my masculine energy?

- Sorry, Grampy.
- I always forget that you're a man.

- ♪ One, two...
- One, two, three, four

- Yeh!
- Not too fast, Mum!

♪ I only want you

♪ I only want you

Now Dad's around, are you
going to get pregnant again?

- It might be that little gay brother
- I've always wanted.

Wyatt is so disappointingly
heterosexual.

- Don't get any ideas, Germaine.
- It's over.

Remember that entire evening we spent
talking about our bloody feelings?

- Oh, yeah, that was great.
- It was like the Council of Elrond.

- Except everyone was crying.
- Here you are,

here's some cheese balls
for your lunch.

Your dad doesn't do dairy,
the twat, so he's on his own.

In my book, if you can't handle
cheese, you can't handle life.

- ♪ I only want you
- I don't understand...

Did you park on the double yellows?

- Course I parked on the double yellows.
- Fuck double yellows.

- Dad! I've missed you.
- Papa! Papa! Papa!

- Right. Germaine's started
talking like a trumpet.
- Look, Dad!

- Was that the Tooth Fairy or a fight?
- Actually, I won't ask.

♪ I only want you. ♪

Frick me, you've given up. What
happened? Did you lose a lung?

No. My supervisor wasn't too keen
on me tabbing near the drill pipe.

- You know, health and safety.
- Right, well, here they are.

- Wyatt's had three bangs on
- Germaine's chocolate brunch,
so he'll be crashing in 40 minutes

and Mariah's in a strop because
- Rastamouse wasn't on this morning.

I was on the frontline
of the Poll Tax Riots dressed
as an acid-house Margaret Thatcher.

If you've fled a charge
of mounted police in high heels,

you can handle a low-key
day out with four kids.

Sean, I know what your
definition of low-key is,

so if you end up getting teargassed,
rinse their eyes with vinegar.

Those days are long gone, Della.

I've eBayed my earrings
and hung up my heels.

We're doing nothing more
controversial than bird-watching.

Though I might add a subtle side
order of Marxist dialectic.

I'm broke so if you need bail money,
don't call me. Enjoy your children.

Reckon we're about ready. Just hang
this frigging monstrosity back up.

So much for the Hotel California.

Sorry, Dad. She threatened a rent
hike when Yoko got a goldfish.

She won't want a pensioner
sleeping in her coat cupboard.

We'll move you back in when she's gone.

Here's the avaricious witch now.

- Della! Hiya!
- Hiya. Come in.

- That's not a hint of cigarette smoke
- I'm detecting, is it?

- No, babe. I don't smoke.
- I've never smoked.

The delicious combination
of nicotine and tar

holds no appeal for me.

Good because the tenancy agreement
was very specific on that point.

Crystal clear, chief.

- Hi!
- You remember my daughter, Aretha?

Of course. How could I forget
that hair? So lurid.

Thanks so much for allowing us
to rent your investment

whilst it increases in value.
- You're welcome!

The contribution property owners make
to society is often overlooked.

I mean, where's my reality show?

Remind me what that
contribution is again?

- I'm just visiting, my love.
- There's no extra rent charge
for that, is there?

- I wish!
- Ha-ha!

Though, to be serious, I would
never condone over-occupation.

Well, I'd offer
to show you around, sweet cheeks,

but I don't know where anything is
because I don't live here!

Right, I'll start in the kitchen,
if you don't mind.

Check you've scrubbed those nasty
fingermarks off my lovely melamine.

Oh, look! I never knew
there was a cupboard there.

I must come round more often.

Yeah, all right, Dad. Rein it in.

♪ Woah!

♪ Oh-oh!

♪ Woah!

- How's my special girl?
- Any updates since last week?

- I'm doing good, Dad.
- The Hugh Jackmen in my
nightmares are getting smaller.

I thought I was your special girl!

You're all my special girls.

So, Dada, is it
emasculating being unemployed?

I get it, I've seen The Full Monty.

Maybe you should
become a stripper too.

Yeah, the problem is, Germaine,
everyone's seen The Full Monty.

When a man my age is made redundant,
the first thing he does is practise

taking his joggers off in front
of the mirror to Lady Marmalade.

- The market's been flooded. So here
- I am, fully clothed but on JSA.

Walking sucks, Dad

I'm taking you to see
one of the wonders of Britain.

Along with bank holidays,
the political hard left,

Lorraine Kelly, this is Wolvo's
best and only nature reserve.

I'm talking British wildlife.

- The robins, the buzzards,
the weekend doggers. Come on!
- Yeh!

♪ Come down from the mountain

♪ You've been gone too long

You're fricking kidding me!

♪ Spring is upon us... ♪

The fricking frackers have
taken my wildlife reserve!

So, shall we just go home then?

We can just watch some
wildlife on the telly.

To be fair,
foreign wildlife is more exciting.

And HD does kind of
look better than real life.

No, Germaine, we're going over.

- This is cool. It's like Bonnie and
- Clyde but there are four Clydes.

- You've all had tetanus shots, right?
- Oh, yeah,

we've had loads of vaccinations.
- Sometimes I wonder if Mum likes
watching us get jabbed.

Now, the key to climbing a fence
is weight distribution

and not getting your jumper caught.
- We might be sticking it to the man

but there's no need to get
the knitwear involved.

Aarrggghhhh!

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

I'm fine. It's not electrified.

But that's why you always check
before you start climbing.

Lesson number one
in civil disobedience. Come on!

Over the fence we go!

Dada is so free,
like Audrey Hepburn on that scooter.

So, as you can see, we like to store
our books in big piles on the floor

like barbarians...
- Aretha.

Oh, now, I am glad you keep
this above the mantle.

It really does belong here, you know.

- Such a masterful exploration
of light and shade.
- Mm!

- And it came free with the frame.
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm!

Which do you enjoy more,
the inflated housing market

increasing your wealth
with no effort on your part

or your tenants being dependent
on you for somewhere to live?

That's a really interesting
question that, Aretha.

- I'd have to say, a bit of both.
- Hmmm!

Mind if I take a few pic-pics?

Would you like one of me being
excluded from property ownership

due to my socio-economic
circumstances?

You're hilarious!

- Frick me, Dad. The Nikon's out.
- That's it, she's selling it.

- Balls!
- Well, house prices have gone
up a lot lately round here, Della.

- It's that new BoozeBonanza on the
- Penn Road, it's gentrifying us.

- Shall I have a word?
- Give her the Connery eyebrow?

That might get you an extra sausage
on the Morrison's meat counter

but it won't work on
- Mrs Buy-To-Let-Portfolio over there.

I'm just going to have to call it.

All right, love,
you've measured up my cupboards,

Feng shui'd my sofa
and now you're going for

the double-aspect money shot.
- You're selling it, aren't you?

I'll be honest with you, Della,
that BoozeBonanza on the Penn Road

is doing really
big things for this area.

So, I might as well
give you this now.

It's a...

I know what an eviction notice
looks like.

So here's the deal. You pop off
in your nasty little Nissan

and tootle the frick away while
- I search the shit out of Rightmove.

You get me?

♪ Because I bring love

- Hm!
- ♪ Bring love... ♪

♪ Listen, I was born by the river

♪ Just like this river,
I've been moving ever since. ♪

It's not exactly the best
little whorehouse in Texas.

There's nothing else on Rightmove
in my price range, Dad.

I'm not sitting around with my
thumbs up my arse while Balfour
frigging Beatty makes us homeless.

So it's this or a lock-up garage
in Wednesfield.

Yeah. I could grow in this.

There was a murder there in January.

- Sure, yeah, I'll have to give
you all self-defence lessons.
- But the buses are good.

Let the viewing commence!

I've never broken in anywhere before.

Unless picking the lock
on Yoko's diary counts.

By the way, Yoko, cranberry juice
will sort out that little problem.

- We didn't break in,
- Germaine, we climbed in,

that's trespass, which is a civil
matter and thus non-prosecutable.

And if we're stopped, we'll simply
say we were getting our ball back.

That's the second rule
of civil disobedience.

Always carry a football,
just in case.

Right! So, are we
going to smash some shit up?

- You know, for the weasels or whatever?
- Yeah, weasels!

- Yeah. Smashing shit up is an option.
- That's what the anarchists do.

Though it might result in a prison
sentence for criminal damage
and everyone thinking you're a dick.

- I could totally handle prison.
- I've seen Orange Is The New Black.

- I could rock that jailbird look.
- I love those prison onesies.

Prison isn't all about moonshine
and experimenting with lesbianism,

there's massive overcrowding
and the food is very poor.

To be fair,
that sounds like my current life.

- Any other ideas?
- I was thinking maybe
we can have a picnic.

Oh, Yoko's going down
the "occupy" road. I like it.

- Who fancies a bit of occupy?
- Yeah!

Let's occupy this
bit of ground here.

- Actually, there's dog shit there.
- Er, let's occupy this bit.

♪ There's a mad man looking at you

♪ And he wants to take your soul

♪ There's a mad man with a mad plan

♪ And he's dancing at your door. ♪

What, no baking bread? They never
bother when you're renting.

Lucky he's brought his own sausage
roll to mask the smell of must.

- Happy to help!
- It sells itself really.

You could give it 5%
effort though, eh, love.

- Well, it's available immediately,
which is a bonus.
- Unless the
mould has squatter's rights.

In case you want to get in touch
to ask me about our agency fees,

which are unexpectedly large.

Yeah, I'll send you some articles
on how the US housing bubble

caused the global economic collapse.

- Anytime, Red.
- My inbox is your playground.

Mum, I think this house
has athlete's foot.

Could I raise the idea of us
maybe living with Dad?

Temporarily,
until we find a new place.

What, are you going to sleep
on a shelf? He shares his lav

with eight other men and one
shit-smeared toilet brush, Aretha.

And he's scared of milk. Pillock.

This is very well-appointed. This
could be my dream nook, you know.

It'll shave time
off my commute to the lav.

- Location, location, location, Del.
- I don't know, Dad.

- The walls are 90% fungus.
- I can't give the kids asthma.

I've already given them
my shonky knees.

- So let's try it one more time.
- I say, "What do we want?"

- A post capitalist-economy.
- And when do we want it?

- It's already happening.
- People just need to acknowledge it.

Yoko! Yoko!

Yoko, my new Facebook status is
"I've been radicalised"
but I need a photo to go with it.

Get a shot of me
in front of this sign.

- It will be like what those
- Anonymous guys do only better

as I'm going to tag myself
so everyone knows it's me.

Get a good angle. There's no reason
why I can't look protesty

and sexy at the same time.

- Can you see my pout through the scarf?
- Where's the zoom?

- I'm too zoomed in!
- I'm inside your face!

- For God's sake!
- Just move backwards, you buffoon.

Oh, tits!

- Yoko did it. She was out of control.
- I tried to stop her.

Right, the third and final rule
of civil disobedience.

When an alarm goes off, you've
fucked it and you need to scarper!

- Already am, Dad!
- Every man for himself.

- If you get caught, claim asylum.
- That'll confuse them.

Rescue the cheese, Dad!

The cheese! I don't want to
regret leaving the cheese behind!

Je ne regrette Brie-en!

Well, Kal,
you've done a sterling job.

I'd love to take it, so you can
charge me a 300-quid admin fee

to print off a couple of emails
and get some keys cut.

But I can't live here, the walls
have got their own ecosystem.

Give me a bell
if you get anything else in.

Ideally with deaf people either side
and a double-sized wheelie bin.

Sure thing. I always call
the MILFs with the DILFs first.

Right, I need two fags.

Did he just call me a DILF?

- So what are we looking at here?
- Are you going to turn us in?

Well, I'm in two minds about this
whole fracking thing, myself.

- It's a complex issue.
- Without investment in renewables,

we will need more fossil fuels.
- Are you going go to prison, Dad?

- Well, that depends on Dave.
- Well, you know what?

Shall I just drop you off at the
roundabout and call it a day?

- Cheers, mate.
- You're all right you are.

I'm sorry the wee one
punched you in the nuts.

She's got a good right hook,
that one.

Fascist!

♪ Wee-hoo!

♪ Wee-hoo!

♪ Wee-hoo!

♪ Wee-hoo! ♪

- The footage from today is great.
- The look on the security guard's face

when I call him
a "corporate succubus" is priceless.

I'll get it!

Ah, Mum. Dad took us trespassing
and got us citizen's arrested.

- Don't grass your father up to me,
- Germaine. I left him with four kids,
he's still got four kids.

That's a good day's trading in my book.
I'm late. Frigging landlord
is selling our house.

- Are we going to be homeless?
- No.
- Mummy is going to sort it all out.

Or go down to the River Severn,
float each one of you off

in a rush basket
and let nature take its course.

Face it, Della. You can't afford
to live in Wolvo any more.

- The housing bubble has buggered you.
- It's over for us here.

We should sod off to Scotland and
live in the middle of nowhere

like the red squirrels.
- Frig of! We can't live
in the middle of nowhere.

- What will the kids do? If I take
- Germaine to the middle of nowhere,

she'll be off down the river
to Virginia Woolf herself, day one.

- Have an affair with
- Vita Sackville-West?
- I would totally do that!

- Can it, Germaine.
- Come on, Della.

You can't tell me you're not
tempted. There's a reason

Mariah was conceived during an
episode of Ray Mears' Bushcraft.

Yeah, well, Aretha was conceived
in front of The Blair Witch Project

but that doesn't mean
- I want to run around a forest
with snot streaming down my face.

- Oh, you guys.
- This is just like old times.

- Can we have ice-cream
because you're arguing?
Zip it!

We should go off-grid,
leave it all behind.

Become part of a community
of like-minded people.

Yeah, there it is. All your plans
always end in the same place.

In a frigging community. You know
how I feel about other people, Sean.

I can't stand the friggers,
especially those eco-clowns.

I will not walk through a fucking
drum circle to get to the bog.

- Not now, not ever.
- But it's not like
when you used to storm out of raves

on account of all the happiness,
things have changed.

- Communities get shit done now.
- Some of the yurts have Wi-Fi.

- Get frigged, Che Guevara.
- Come on, kids,

your father is talking bollocks
and it's time to leave.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.

Bye, Dad.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye.
- Bye, Dad.
- See you soon, Yokes.

I hope the Jackmen
keep getting smaller.

- Oh, and, Della,
- I heard you pull up outside.

In my opinion,
you're over-revving that car.

Don't you ever criticise my clutch
control in front of the kids, Sean.

You massive vaping twat.

♪ Ooh-ooh!

♪ Hell down, heaven down,
living in the same town

♪ Trying to find something new

- ♪ Broken picture frame
- I've been frozen in

♪ Trying to find a better view. ♪

I tell you, Aretha, the sparks were
flying between Mum and Dad today.

- 100% sexual tension!
- Are you sure it wasn't a case

of them feeling tense
and you feeling sexual?

- You could always ask your mother
to put you up.
- Frig off, Dad.

I know things aren't
rosy between you

but I'm fairly sure she'd
let you live in her shed.

- Maybe not Germaine.
- Dad, the last time
my mother offered me help,

it was on the proviso
- I sign Wyatt over to her.

I think she wanted
first dibs on his corneas.

Oh! Oh, shit, balls!

- Oh, sorry Della,
I've knackered your Artex.
- Let's have a look.

Hey, Della! Look!

Get out in the garden! Now!

- That's asbestos, Della.
- I know it when I see it.

Killed my Uncle Jack, it did.

Coughed himself to death
on my tenth birthday

while we watched helpless
from the Ferris wheel.

If we seal it up
so no-one's breathing in

its nasty little shards,
we'll be just fine.

But I'll tell you what, it won't
go down well on frigging Zoopla.

Sarah twatting Beeny
can't sell this frigger now.

Exactly, Del. It's the miracle
we've been waiting for.

- God bless asbestos!
- Well, you'll be sleeping next to it.

So you'll be all right
as long as you breathe carefully

and keep your fingers out of that hole.
- Not a problem for me, Della.

I had the same arrangement
with your mother.

Germaine! Get my
elderflower wine out of the shed.

- We're not homeless any more!
- We've hit the jackpot, kids.

- We've got asbestos!
- Yeh!

Good old asbestos. You're a real pal!

- What's asbestos?
- A silent killer living in our walls.

In our walls, Yoko.

♪ Look at my hopes, look at my dreams

♪ The currency we've spent

♪ I love you, you pay my rent

♪ I love you, you pay my rent. ♪