Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Monroe Technique - full transcript

Here comes the car.

This has 18 million views?

It's a gateway to snuff!

Again!

Look, Yoko - that's not her knee.
That's a massive pustule.

And in a minute, she squeezes it -

and what comes out is essentially
"leg custard".

Here we go!

Three, two, one...

What?!

No!!



Mom! Mom! The Wi-Fi. It's down!

We've tried everything.
We've refreshed it.

We've refreshed it again.
We've literally done everything
we can! Do something! Call so-meone!

Call 999!
Wi-Fi, Mom! Wi-Fi!!

- I turned it off, Germaine.
- Why? Why would a human DO that?

Cos we can't afford it any more.

I'm not paying 29.99 a month to beam
pixels through the frigging air.

But the internet is educational.

I use it to watch TED Talks about...

you know, whatever TED stands for.

All right, Melvyn Bragg.
Educational is it?

Let's have a look at your search
history then, shall we?

Mm. "Tom Hardy topless",

"Tom Hardy top on",



"Benedict Cumberbatch hat on",

"Benedict Cumberbatch hatless"?

So. I need my options visualised.

I can't just imagine
Benedict Cumberbatch
without a hat on, you know.

"Catherine Deneuve's feet"?

Guilty as charged.

"Andrew Marr on his moped"?

Oh, that's Yoko. She's turning out
to be quite niche, sexually.

Look, if you need to use the
internet, go to the library with
Aretha and use it there.

Public internet!
With those public internet losers!

I'm part of the Cyber Generation -
please don't make me go and use

a dirty communal keyboard covered
in sad-old-man finger grease.

Are you questioning my austerity
policies, Germaine?

Are you Corbyn-ing me?

Fine. I will go the library.

But this moment is not going in
my best bits, Mom.

This will not make
the final montage!

Germaine out!

Mom! Mom! These don't fit any more.

How can your feet have grown again?

I've been restricting
your calcium intake for weeks.

Here - have these.

They are pink,
but they've not been pissed in.

Dad said stop giving me girl's
clothes. We've started a Boys' Club.

Can I be in Boys' Club?

We talked about it.
Dad said we can't trust you.

Oh, I get it.

You forget to pick someone up
from Mostyn ferry port one time

and he writes you off forever.

You tell your father
I don't want to be in Boys' Club.

Because I'm in "Not A Twat Club".

Well, Wyatt, I'm afraid
the only other shoes

I can offer you are Grampy's
old flip-flops.

Heh-heh. Instant karma, laddie!

I'd wear a prophylactic sock
if I were you -

- I'm more fungus than foot
down there.

Heh-heh!

Oi! Respect your elders, sonny boy.

I was - briefly and tangentially -

involved in the third cod war
for you.

Securing your cod...
And what thanks do I get?

Sorry, Dad.

The kids aren't used to it not being
a coat cupboard any more.

That's not a place to store useless
old crap nobody wants, Wyatt.

It's where Grampy lives now.

Which is totally different, OK?

Mom! Here you go -
Cher's library books.

I've wiped the snot off them.

I'll just have a quick flick
through.

I accidentally sent my smear test
results to the library last week,

between pages four and five
of Horton Hears A Who!

Right, then, I'm off to the library,

to get finger Aids off
a filthy shared PC.

- Hmmm.
- Germaine!

Sorry, Grampy. I'm too digitally
disenfranchised to remember
that you live there.

Laters!

- Wyatt.
- Coming!

Shall we do something about
this nook, Dad?

It'll have to be cheap

but I can't have you lying there
like the last puppy in the pound.

What say you to a trip to
Poor Woman's IKEA?

Good afternoon, Mrs Buttermere.

Wyatt! Your shoe!

- I don't like them!
- Pick it up, then.

Suck it up, dude!

My mother asked me to tell you

that page seven was missing
when we got it.

Don't worry. We keep a few spares of
that page - it gets torn out a lot.

Seems there's a bit of a backlash
against Mog. There will be no fine.

I appreciate the continued tolerance
this library has for my family.

Hello, Mrs Buttermere.

Hello, Yoko. How's it going?

I watched Dumbo with my dad last
night, and when I got sad,

he told me that if I researched
the ivory trade, it would

"burn the sorrow out of me".

We've got a couple of books on that.
There's the reference number.

You see the drooling, elderly
gentleman napping near the CDs.

It's just behind his left shoulder.

Can I "use the internet" please?

They're all booked at the moment,
seems Penelope Keith's nip slip

has caused quite the stir.

- Should be free in about half an hour.
- Half an hour?

I won't remember what
I want to Google in half an hour.

I'm part of the digital generation.
I think in memes...

I'll put your down for number three.

Mr Latham won't be long.

He's really not getting
the hang of that mouse.

She is fecund.

I'm going to get right inside her.

It's a better quality of refuse
here in Tettenhall.

Shall I do the honours, Del?

Take Mariah. She's got aptitude.

Don't over-egg it, kid.
The limp is my thing.

Get your own grift.

Morning, my love.

Would it be all right if my daughter

and the wee one here took
a couple of things from your skip?

Get you back below the fill line?

They charge you
if you go over the line, you know?

It's so dead in here.

Shush!

Germaine, the first rule of
library club is to shut up.

I'm just saying, can't
they play some music or something?

A bit of John Legend

and a frappuccino machine would vibe
this place right up.

This library is perfect as it is.

Only in here can you sit
and read for free.

Have you any idea how
precious that is?

God, I was just saying...

There are books, here, Germaine.
Knowledge. For free!

Despite a 30% funding cut.

They've had to start a demeaning
coffee morning to raise funds.

A coffee morning!

Thanks!
That coffee morning is demeaning.

I'm a librarian, not a barista.

I studied at De Montford.

But, if you could, please,
just shut up!

You just made me break
the first rule of library club.

Sh, Aretha. Stop wittering on like
an angry Miss Jean Brodie and look.

Lee!

Funny. My feelings for Lee
have definitely all gone now.

There's nothing less attractive than
someone who doesn't fancy you.

I've definitely moved on.

And the important thing is that
no-one got hurt.

You did take quite a lot of my blood
for that voodoo love ceremony.

Farewell, sweet prince.
Oh, how I violated you in my dreams.

Dreams in which you were,
quite frankly,

more erudite than
you are in real life.

Lee's minion's coming!

Fear not.
The librarian will save us.

Sweet, brave noble The Librarian...

Hey. I just issue the books.
I don't do security.

That's Nigel's job.

Here you go, Dad.
We can do you a privacy curtain.

Why pay 15 quid a foot
for a curtain rail

when Cameron's Babes are giving
it away for free?

Ooh, I'll be able to get
dressed in my nook of a morning now,

instead of in the kitchen.

There's something wrong about being
naked around bacon.

These have got potential.

The rats have wazzed on her
but with a bit of tender loving care

and a good waxing,
she'll come back to us.

That's worked for me before now.

Ooh. This is a touch of class.

She's lost a tit, Dad.

We've all got bits missing, Della.
Doesn't mean we can't be loved.

Yeah, all right, Deepak Chopra.

You can keep her
but you're not plugging her in.

I doubt the tit-cyclops has been
PAT-tested.

This is vintage, Della.

Safety laws don't apply
when you get past a certain age.

I think we're done here.
Shall we go?

Sure thing, Della.

But I reckon if we tell her
Mariah's got rickets she'd

let us rummage in her wheelie bins.

This feminist dialectic
will ward him off.

Nothing keeps the boys out
of the yard

like Germaine Greer's milkshake.

Sh!

- Nice one, dude.
- Sh!

Was that a flirt?

Sh!

That WAS a flirt!

Are you seeing this?
How can HE be flirting with me?

We're on opposing sides. We're like
the Mongolios and the DiCaprios.

Capulets and Montagues, Germaine.
Capulets and Montagues.

Yeah, those guys.

I'm going to do my sexy librarian
look.

♪ It's going down for real

♪ It's going down for real

♪ It's going down for real

♪ It's going down for real

♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it,
pop it

♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it, pop it

♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it,
pop it

♪ Lift it, drop it, shake it

♪ It's going down for real

♪ It's going down for real... ♪

Here, chick.

God bless the middle classes.

Always willing to spunk 80 quid on
anything with chalk paint on it.

The trickle-down effect.

In my day, you could only get
that in certain Berlin brothels.

No, no, you're right though, Del.

Give this a whiff of French
farmhouse

and the Per Una crew will be all
over it like a classy rash.

Since you're such
an expert on our target customers,

why don't you tart it up
while I hang your curtain?

Now, Del, are you sure about that?

You know how angry you get when

you've got your arms
up above your head.

Remember when you did the hanging
baskets?

Dunno what you mean, Dad.

I'm incredibly even-tempered.
Am I not?

Yep, sure. 100%.

Ignore me. You carry on, Del.

I'll whip out the old
Black and Decker

and give this beauty
a good going over.

Right then, Mariah. What
say you become Grampy's apprentice?

Like you would have
been in the olden days

if you'd survived scarlet fever,
cholera and typhus, that is.

Put your hands on there.

That was amazing!

I've never witnessed the power
of my own sexual magnetism before.

Yeah, sure, I've got no interest in
him, but it's good to keep

the flirt tanks topped up.

You never know when you're going to
need to spray

gallons of flirt all over
a situation.

Hey, Germaine!

Incoming, 12 o'clock!

Hey, man. Erm...
Do you...

...want to go out with me?

Germaine, if you give
a response the situation will end.

Er... yeah, OK.

Cool. I'll call for you later.

Oh, my God!
I just got asked out!

You just said you had no interest in
him but seven paces ago.

I was a different person seven paces
ago.

Now he's asked me out, I can see his
appeal.

There's something very attractive
about someone who fancies you.

It's like when a dog humps your leg
and you're secretly flattered

that he chose yours over all the
other legs in the room.

Very nice work, kid. Very nice work.

That's almost sweat shop standard,
that.

Don't you want a go, Grampy?

I can't do power tools any more.
I've got vibration white finger.

And not off a drill.
You carry on there.

- What you up to, Grampy?
- The art of delegation.

Heh heh.
How are you enjoying your mandals?

It doesn't pay to
blackball your Grampy.

Unless you're a lady
of the Stuttgarter Platz,

and he's asked you to do it.

- Hey, Mum. Guess what?
- Not now, Germaine.

I just got asked out. On the green.
He just ran up to me

and popped the question.

- A man asked you out on the green,
in the middle of the day?
- Yeah.

Christ. Right, let's recap
the paedophile conversation.

Aretha, get the number for
Crimestoppers.

- No, Mum. It's not like that. I know him.
- Who is he? Do you know him?

He has impinged upon my existence,
yes.

Uh, why aren't you asking me
these questions? He's my intended.

- How much of a dick is he?
- Oh, I'd say a six out of ten.

Then you can go out with him.

Oh, great. So that's how you respond
to my first ever date.

Not, "What star sign is he?" Or
"Let's merge your faces

"in Photoshop to see what our kids
might look like?"

Just, "Is he a dick?" Thanks a
bunch.

Germaine, I have been trying to
get this frigging

cock on for 20 minutes.

I am seconds away from ripping this
entire frigging ceiling down.

So we can have that conversation,
but we will be having it

in the rubble of this hallway! Argh!

This is not the time, Germaine.

She gets the rage of the banshee

when she's got her arms above her head.
- DIE!

There's a reason we keep her
away from monkey bars, Germaine.

That is disappointing. Apparently
Lone Cowboy and Hermit

are no longer viable career options.

The book suggests computer
programmer or lighthouse keeper

as alternatives, but they're far too
people-focused.

I'm going to have to
rethink my entire future.

Well, I'm going to have to redesign
the cover of my project file.

Basically, everything is going
extinct.

It's a bit rude word depressing.

Sorry Yoko,
but this book's a bit out of date.

The Yangtze River dolphin actually
went extinct in 2002.

Poor the river dolphin.

Oh, and the West African
black rhino.

That's dead, too...
Do you know what?

It's probably easier if I tell you
which ones are still alive.

Hey, so guys, I've decided on my
tactics for my date.

I'm doing a Marilyn Monroe.

What, you're going to become famous
by standing on a grate,

appear in Some Like It Hot and die
tragically young? I'm in.

No, Aretha. I'm implementing another
of my patented life hacks.

Check it out! I've got some of my
lady juice on my wrists, as perfume.

- Germaine!
- What? Monroe did it all the time

and she bagged the third
hottest President,

after Obama and that one that sat in
a chair with his legs

under a blanket. I had no idea how
interesting I smell.

It's like I've got Coco Chanel down
there, churning out hit after hit!

Germaine, you set the cause of
humanity back with your actions.

Chill out, Bureau De Ginge.
It's just bodily juices.

Heck, I put my Moon Cup in with
a full dishwasher load this

morning and no-one was any the
wiser.

♪ Cos you're working for the man

♪ Working for the man... ♪

I'm tired, Grampy.

I never said being
an apprentice was going to be fun.

My first job at the steel works was
back-breaking. Did I complain?

No. I turned up there every day,
put my hairnet on

and served those men their lunch.

Yup. I reckon I'm about done, here.

Oh, hi, Della. Didn't see you there.
Lost in my work, I was.

You've done a good job here, Dad.

These listless, lack-lustre
brushstrokes are perfect for that

shabby chic bollocks.

Shame the internet's off,
or I'd stick it on Gumtree.

Least we could do. Mariah was
basically useless.

Hiya! Is Germaine in?

I recognise you.
You live round here, don't you?

Yeah. Over there. Number 12.

Actually my mum says you've got our
wheelie bin, so can we have it back?

No, bab. That's
my bin. It's always been my bin.

If your mum wants it,
she can come over here

and wheel it away over my dead body.
You get me?

- OK.
- So, your house is what?
7.5 metres away?

I guess.

- Police Surveillance Van three,
that your Wi-Fi?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Turns out two other people
already had the idea of calling it

Police Surveillance Van.
My dad was crushed.

- It's a very strong signal.
- We get like 30 megabits a second.

Do you now? You know what?

I reckon we're going to get on like
a house on fire.

Now what's your password, petal.

Is it password with an at symbol
instead of the a?

Yeah!

Germaine!
Superfast Fibre Optic is here!

Is that true?

Oh, no. I've never took acid.

I only wear this cos the colours
make my eyes pop.

I used to love acid.

- But acid never loved me,
if you get me.
- OK.

- Stay away from his sperm, Germaine!
- Ignore that. Mum's just bitter.

She keeps missing Wimbledon
because she's giving birth.

It's not entirely appropriate but at
least you can towel

your knackers in privacy, hey?

Very smooth action.
That's cock on, that.

Home sweet home.

For decoration only, Dad. You're not
to plug this piece of tat in.

Yeah, all right. I do know a fair
bit about electrical safety.

I worked for Indesit for seven
years.

I was only electrocuted thrice.

You may only have one tit, but
you are not tat.

Do you want to get the bus?

I will need to charge my phone soon,
though, because I get really anxious

when it's below half.
- It's OK, we can just hang here.

Get some bus stop realness.

My tea will be ready soon, anyway.

What you having?

Fish fingers.

No way! Me too!

Oh, my God. We've got
so much in common.

That's weird. My mum wants to know
what shoe size you are.

- I'm a seven.
- Anyway, shall we get
off with each other?

Yeah, OK.

Just so you know, I do tongues
and I might explore your body

with my hands a bit, maybe.

Squeeze your nips through your
shirt. Is that all right?

I reckon.

♪ Sometimes all I need is the air
that I breathe and to love you

♪ All I need is the air that I
breathe... ♪

Here it comes again.

I'll say something
for Germaine's lad,

he's got lightning fast broadband.

Yeah, he's all right by me.
I Gumtree'd that chest of drawers.

I might chalk paint the shed next,
see how much I can get for that.

Yoko! Yoko, look.
It's the website for your book.

- You can watch species go
extinct in real time.
- Great. Thanks.

Goodbye, Sumatran Cane Toad.

It's tragic, of course, but a very
impressive use of big data.

Someone should collect two of each
endangered species and put them

in a special zoo to keep them safe.

Or a boat,
because of the rising sea levels.

Do you think anyone has ever
thought of that?

I'm back! And I vini vidi vici'd.

I brought Callum's old trainers,
Mum.

They're Wyatt's size and everything.

There you go, kid. What you lose not
having brothers

you gain from brothers-in-law
now your sisters

are reaching the age of majority.
- Yeah, awesome! Go Boy's Club!

Wazzock!

I'm seeing Callum again tomorrow.

Might try some belly button stuff.
Keep things fresh.

I will not be accused of being
sexually vanilla.

Well, he seems like
a keeper to me, Germaine.

I'm very satisfied with his fat
internet pipe.

Yeah, he's not the one but he's a
one

and that's all I need right now.
- Good for you. You play the field.

Gloria Steinem
died for your right to do that.

Oh, and Aretha, I can report that

the Monroe technique
worked splendidly.

I mean, I've no idea what it did for
him, but it kept me

interested the whole time. Hmm. I'm
maturing to a subtle muskiness.

That's funny, cos all I can smell is
grilling fish fingers.

Now, Aretha, we've all got to
get behind Germaine's new

relationship with young TalkTalk.

Speaking of which, I've got
an appointment with some mood

lighting and Penelope Keith's nip
slip.

See. Our forbidden love across the
divide is healing the world.

I really am a Mongolio.

I'll get it. She'll have come for
her refurbed drawers.

Right, can I have that laptop,
please?

I need to Google how to add a floral
note to my fragrance.

Using the internet,
I am earning with my coochie.

I don't think you do recognise it,
love.

- These are my knickers.
- Per Una. Of course.

Oh! Ah!

Tell you what.
I'll chuck that lamp in for free.