Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - The iPhone, the Bitch and the Wardrobe - full transcript

Della believes that the girls should socialize more and makes them attend the birthday party for depressive Uncle Natie, whose wife has left him. Yoko is very nervous but is declared a champion due to her unexpected skill at computer games whilst Germaine is annoyed to find that Cathy has invited Lee Rhind as her guest. To add insult to injury she gets locked in a wardrobe and has to see Cathy kissing Lee before Aretha frees her. Della on the other hand does find romance, with hunky break-down man Michael, who helps her to put the tired and emotional Natie to bed.

Higher, Germaine!

Snack me.

Oh, no. I'm not having this.

Mom?

You lot are getting weird.
You need to socialise.

We do socialise, constantly.
We're socialising right now. Look.

I don't mean your brothers
and sisters, Germaine.

Lying on top of someone does not
count as socialising with them.

I'm talking strangers.
The outside world.

Them bastards.
You never socialise.

Bollocks. I've done my stint. How do
you think I ended up with you lot?



I didn't parthenogenetically reproduce,
Aretha. I'm not a fricking aphid.

Your Uncle Natie's having a party
later, and you're all going.

Oh, what? Natie?
But he's so depressing.

He's always listening to Sting
and looking out the window.

Yeah, he's in a frigging state.

So would you be if your wife
left you for a Bargain Hunt
contestant, Germaine.

He doesn't need you taking
the piss on his birthday.

And I'm gonna make sure of that,
because you know what?
I'm coming too.

Yeah, I'm frigging coming too,
and I'm gonna drink white wine,

and make conversation with people
about parking zones and bin days,

and prove to you lot that
socialising is important and fun.

Are you happy now?
I repeat, are you happy now?

I'm looking forward to this.

When it comes down to it, I am a
people person. That's just how I am.



Like Oprah. Jason Manford.
Eamonn Holmes.

I think people might disagree
with that assertion.

Apart from taking the bin out,
I haven't left the house

since the bluetit chicks
were born on Springwatch.

They've fledged and been predated
since then, Yoko. All dead.

The chicks are dead? Yep.

You really need to get out more.

You guys won't leave me on
my own at this party, will you?

What if I get lost or someone
tests me on maths?

Don't worry, Yoko.

We can sit together in a corner
whilst I misanthropically judge people.

Hey, Aretha.

What if you met another misanthropist
tonight? A sexy misanthropist.

Like, um... I don't know.
Who's a sexy misanthropist?

Will Self?
Like Will Self.

And you got married.
Then, instead of Miss Anthropist,
you'd be Mrs Anthropist.

No. I would be Mrs Self, cos I
would be married to Will Self.

This is great banter.

This is exactly the kind of
banter we should be having at
the party, you know,

like on Mock The Week, riffing
back and forth in a cheeky way

like, um... Russell Howard and that
woman they have on there sometimes.

Right, that's Cher down for her nap.
You got everything you need, Dad?

Aye, I'm all set up.

Fray Bentos in the oven,
massive Toblerone in the fridge,
MasterChef on the laptop.

We're gonna have a cracking
time, aren't we, kids?

Yeah, Grampy!

Aren't we, young Mariah?
What's up with her?

Mariah here wants to watch
In The Night Garden.

But you know how I feel
about the Ninky Nonk, Della.

No can do.
I just don't like the thing.

Stick to your guns, Dad.
She'll give you demon eyes,
but she can't hurt you.

She's only just got it together
to wipe her own arse.

Oh, it's no problem, Del.

I can deal with a tiny woman sneering
at me while I eat my tea.

I'm coming up on 40 years
with your mother.

Well, there's Calpol
in the bathroom cabinet,

if it all gets too much and you
just want to dose her sippy cup.

Now, you give Natie my best.

Tell him his dad says to open to the pain.
There's comfort in the darkness, Del.

No, Dad. I won't.

I'll say nothing more provocative
than my opinions on speed traps,

keep him off the spirits

and say absolutely nothing about
Shirley's massive new boyfriend.

Right, then, Grampy's a bit hazy about
the old child development stages.

Are either of you old enough
to make Grampy a cup of tea?

I've seen enough frat-house
movies to know the drill here.

First, we need to fill
a melon with vodka.

Good luck getting hold of a melon on
a Sunday in Penn, Germaine.

Crack? Yes. Fruit? No.
Thanks, Captain Comedown.

I'm scared, Mom.
You're just a tiny bit shy, Yoko.

It's part of why you're so
frigging cool.

But don't worry. Your sisters are
going to look after you, aren't you?

Chill out, Mom.
I'm sensitive to the mood in a room.

I'm a human mood ring.
Today I'm blue, caring.

Here, Yoko, take this. If it all
gets too much, call me on that.

And, Aretha, I want you
to talk to someone tonight.

Find me someone

with five GCSEs...

..grade A-C, and I'll chat.

Hey, Yoko, here's a tip
for social anxiety.

If you're scared of people,
just imagine them naked.

Imagine the room full of
naked people.

All their boobies and wangers,
all hanging there.

See? Bet you feel better.

Del. You came.

I knew you would.
I had faith in you.

Oh, wind it in, Natie.
It's barely ten past four.

All right, gorgeous?

Hi, Cathy.

Hiya. Hiya.

So, this is the kids'
bit of the party.

These are my cousins.
They don't go to school.

I think that's why
they dress like that.

These are my dad's mate's kids.

I only met 'em today,
but they're all right by me.

What's going on? Where's the
music? The beer in red cups?

The cutting-edge chat?

This looks like a call centre.

We're gaming, Germaine.
It's a gaming party.

My dad bought me that
console last week.

I actually wanted a guitar,

but he was too busy crying and hacking
into Mom's e-mail account to listen.

Gaming party? This is no party.
This is an office environment.

Shh! I'm fighting a ghoul here.

It's a gaming party, Germaine.
Get with the programme.

The computer programme.

You have good basic humour.

I'm Louise.
I'm Aretha. This is Yoko.

I'm shy. Me too.

Here, have a prop. Helps to keep
your hands busy.

Thanks.

It's so great to hang
with some fellow geeks.

We're society's outsiders, aren't we?

Ostracised by the norms, for loving
Google Docs and coding too hard.

So, er... let's bond. Ask me a
question, anything you like.

Are you someone's drunk mom?

Here, I brought you a bin.

Thought you might need one.

Happy birthday.
Thanks, Del.

I'm on the up at last.
I've been dressed all week.

No bathrobe after Homes Under The
Hammer. That's my new rule.

Good lad.

All right?
BOTH: All right?

So, what are you lot
talking about out here, then?

Parking zones. Course, big topic.
Wine, please.

Ooh, he's made an error there. What
doesn't Gregg like, kiddies?

Lobster foam, Grampy.
Gregg doesn't like foams.

Dead right, Wyatt.

Someone's going straight back to
being a management consultant.

I don't like it, Grampy.

Give it a chance, kiddo.

Think of Gregg as being
like a little pixie man.

You know, doing a little... dance.

# Diddly-diddly-dee-dee,
diddly-diddly-dee

♪ I'm a little pixie... ♪

Christ, your nan's genes are strong.

Will you hurry up and choose a name
for your character, please, Germaine?

Just choose a name, Germaine.

Fine! There, I'll call him
Elizabeth Taylor. Happy?

That's my default name. Elizabeth
Taylor, my hair brush.

Elizabeth Taylor, my left breast.

Stop talking!

Oh, no! Elizabeth Taylor's
fallen into a chasm.

What character did you go
for, Aretha?

Assassin.
I'm an assassin, too.

BOTH: I enjoy killing
from the shadows.

Warning. Incoming ghoul,
five o'clock.

No way, man.
Yoko just totalled that ghoul.

Incredible. She used a
level-nine power move.

How did you do that, Yoko?
What did I do? Was it bad?

Amazing move, Yoko.

That's not a begonia.
That's a geranium.

I think you'll find
it's a begonia, Lenny.

I think you'll find
it's a geranium, Ro.

That takes me back.

Me and Shirley had
that exact same argument

in Homebase when we
bought that plant.

Come on, Nate, it's your birthday.
Let's not get all Shadowlands.

Do you want a hand getting
that grill lit?

No. I will do this. I will.

I'm the master of my own
destiny, Shirley.

Della. I'm the master
of my own destiny, Della.

Scallops and pureed peas?
Scallops and pureed peas?

Did you learn nothing
from Michel Roux Jr?

You've let yourself down,
Jason. Cook better, Jason!

Fine dining has evolved way past
scallops and pureed peas, Mariah.

Huh! This... this Jason character
is a right chancer.

Another level-16 mage defeated by
Yoko. This is unprecedented.

Aretha! Behind you.

Oh! I would high-five you,
but I eschew physical contact.

I'd high-five you, too,
but my hands are sweaty.

You know, if you ever wanted to
come out, I'd be very supportive.

I'm trying to kill a
fell beast, Germaine.

Seriously, though, Aretha.

If it looks like you're
turning out to be gay,

I want you to promise
you'll tell me first.

# If you're coming out

# I want the me to know

♪ Got to let it show... ♪
Germaine.

Do you want me to help you
out with that chasm problem?

I... Hey, man!

I've dreamt of that moment.

Germaine?

Seeing as you're dead, why don't
you go get the door?

Yeah, Germaine, go on.
Be a sweetheart.

Oh, I see, the geeks.
Turning on me.

Just because I got stuck in a chasm
and think Doctor Who is overrated.

Lee! No way!

It's the Gruffalo. Let me in.

Seems I get to decide
if you come in or not.

I am the gatekeeper.

The gay keeper? Is that Rhind?

Let him in, Germaine.
Overruled!

So, you think you're some sort of
gardener now, do you, Monty Don?

Well, you don't know
anything about our garden.

Right. I'm sorry, Natie. I'm going to have
to stage an intervention on this barbecue.

You sit down.

Let's get that fucking grill lit

and get some food in Who's Afraid Of
Virginia Woolf? over there.

And what we really need is...

A shit-ton of lighter fuel?

That'll do it. You've
incinerated the meatballs, though.

The meatballs are fine.
This tabard's heat-resistant.

I know a boss hack for this game.

They bounce when she runs,
and everything.

They've done some proper
physics on them. Boom!

Rhind, you knobber.

I was just thinking this game
wasn't sexualised enough.

Sigh. This is a classic
love triangle.

All I can see is a love line,
Germaine, from there to there.

Hey, Elizabeth Taylor.

As you're not playing, do you wanna
get the pop from the kitchen?

Oh, yes, please.
I'm really thirsty.

I don't want to go.
I'm not the butler.

Yoko needs fluids, you buffoon.

Fine, I'll go.
But I will say this, Jerry.

You may only be ten,
but I don't like your attitude.

Touching your stuff, Cathy!

Whoops! Sorry, Cath-Cath!

Just in here.

So, this is my bedroom.

I wanted to do some graffiti on the
walls but my dad's scared of the landlord.

This... is cool.

Oh, yeah.

Nice tabard.
Are you from the RAC?

Or is there a gas leak somewhere
I don't know about?

I'm working later.
Gotta Bitumac the A42.

No-one's getting into Kegworth
tomorrow without me.

Unless they take the bypass
at Measham.

You know your roads.

There won't be satellite navigation
when the food riots start.

We'll all be on foot then,

heading to the feeding stations for
a bowl of Cameron's gruel.

If there are feeding stations,
of course.

There won't be feeding stations.

We'll be left to fight it out
amongst ourselves.

Hand to hand. Man to man.
Tops off. Knives out.

My name's Michael, by the way.

Della. Pleased to meet you.

Do you mind if I whittle?
Whittle away.

Oh, here he is.

Here's the birthday boy.

Do you want a bucket, Nate?

Yoko! Yoko!

Yoko! Yoko! Yoko!

Yoko! Yoko! Yoko!

My bum is vibrating.
Why is my bum vibrating?

Is the Dread Lord doing that?
It's the phone, you noob!

Go on! Keep up with him!

Aretha, it's me. Cathy's
locked me in her wardrobe.

Help. And hurry. I think I'm allergic
to skimpy denim shorts.

Yoko is battling the Dread Lord!
I'm doing backup runes!

Aretha. I'm in a place
with limited oxygen.

OK. But you'll have to wait.

Come on, Yoko!
Come on, Yoko! Finish him!

Come on, Yoko! Finish him!

Use the power move! It's just there!

ALL: Yeah!

You totalled the Dread Lord!
Yes, Yoko!

All hail the Dread Lord slayer!

It's over now, Yoko.
You can stop. He's dead.

Oh, thank God.

Young Mariah. Would you
like a custard slice?

Maybe.

Are you really sad? No.

Give me half of that cake
or I'm telling Grampy.

Here you go, kiddo.

I was going to have that as my
special treat, but you can have it.

Now come and snuggle up with us, and watch
Jason prepare his venison three ways.

OK.

That hornbeam needs a
good, hard prune. I know.

Pity I didn't bring my
chainsaw with me.

Oh. Got a chainsaw, have you?

Yeah. Big one. Interested in
chainsaws, are you?

Mildly.

Well, I'll have to get it out
for you some time.

You'll need protection, though. It's
a powerful piece of equipment.

Think it might be his bedtime.

Tell you what. Let's put the
Mitchell brothers away first, eh?

Fireman's lift in two, Natie. One.

Two.

Well...

this is ironic.

You're trapped in the closet.

It's a wardrobe, Aretha. We're
not in America. Let me out.

If I agree to let you
out of the closet,

do you agree to stop trying
to let me out of the closet?

Seriously, Aretha. It's a wardrobe.

Will you stop writing,
"Aretha, question mark," in the Radio Times

next to any programme
that has Clare Balding in it?

Very well.

And no more suggestions that
I go on a walking holiday?

That's not even a lesbian thing.

I genuinely think
you'd enjoy the Pennine Way.

But if my leisure activity suggestions are
unwanted, then, fine, I shall desist.

Very well. You may come out
of the closet.

Wardrobe.

I came out... of the wardrobe.

Poor twat.

Brogues aren't really a bed shoe.

And these cords will be
really digging into him.

Take two of these in the morning,
Natie. Mouth, not bum. OK?

Party's finished. Host's unconscious.
It's basically trespass if we stay.

Hope you've had fun,
because it's over.

This is Michael. He's been
helping me put your uncle to bed.

See you soon, guys.

Thanks for slaying
the Dread Lord, Yokes.

Here's your phone back.

I made a call on it, but it should be
covered by your call plan,

which I imagine is generous.

Yeah, it is.
It's a bostin call plan.

Well, er... I'll be going, then.

You not leaving with us, Lee?

Nah.

I don't reckon.

We're gonna crack open my dad's booze
drawer, play Crash Bandicoot drunk.

See you, Germaine.

So, do you fancy going out
for a drive some time?

Yeah. Go on.

Oh, and bring your chainsaw,
if you've really got one.

Oh, I've got one, all right.

Della.

Now, that's how you socialise.

You deserve that trophy, Jason.

Nobody gave depth of flavour
like you did.

Jason did the best cooking.
Yep.

Yep, he did the best cooking. He's
been on a real journey, that one.

How did it go?

The power of MasterChef won
her round in the end.

So, you didn't have to use
the Calpol, then?

Not on the kids, no.

So, Aretha, do you think you're
going to see Louise again?

As a friend, of course. I'm not suggesting
anything about you co-owning a pug.

Why would I see her again?

I like her. So, I leave her alone,
as a mark of my respect.

You're so weird, Aretha.
I fight for my love.

Like Cheryl Cole did, before she divorced
her love and married another love.

By "fight for your love", do you
mean spy on your love from a wardrobe?

Don't knock spying, Aretha.

I can see what Peeping Toms
are on about.

It was so wrong, yet so arousing.

It was like bad up here,
good down there.

I don't want to hear about
either end, thank you.

Hey, Dread Lord slayer,
put the light off, please.

Can I stop imagining all the
boobies and wangers now?

I'm going home, Del. MasterChef
always takes it out of me.

I need some quiet time
to get my head together.

Ah! What's this?

Who's done this?
That'll be Mariah.

I gave her that custard slice in good
faith, as a gesture of friendship.

I thought we were bonding,
but I was just her patsy.

Bribes don't work on Mariah, Dad.

She respects firm boundaries,
the naughty step...

..and Bob The Builder.

If that's your mom,
tell her to get off my back.

I'll be home in time for Downton.

No, it's from that bloke
I met at Natie's.

He's just sent me a picture
of his massive tool.