Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Mehmesis - full transcript
Cousin Cathy calls by unannounced and everybody is pleased to see her - except Germaine, and to make matters worse Cathy attracts the desirable Lee Rhind. To get even Germaine takes her on at cards and a quiz, losing both times. Della manages to stop her from leaving home but is unable to stop Grampy from causing more damage to the garden than the pesky cat he is trying to trap.
Isn't this great? Summer's the best.
If we could just block out
that last chink of light,
watching this film outdoors
would be nearly as good as
watching it inside.
Ooh - all out of fruit cubes?
I'll go on a run.
Stay out of the sun, Germaine.
Yeah, yeah. I'm only
going for ice cubes, Mum.
You could just sun cream us,
you know?
The price of sun cream -
I might as well paint you all
in liquid frigging gold.
Have you any idea of the total
surface area of six children?
You're the human Forth Bridge.
Oh, hey, Grampy.
What are you doing here?
Your nan's on a juice-cleanse.
She won't allow meat in the house.
It's wall-to-wall celery
round our place.
If that's your nan, stall her.
Germaine, hiya.
Hiya, Cathy. How lovely that you've
come over, completely unannounced.
Unfortunately, today is a
"close family" day only -
no cousins allowed. Sorry.
Let me in, Germolene. We've just
done a baccy-run to Poland.
I've got a delivery for Della.
Oh, I see.
Well, you'd better come in then,
seeing as you're delivering
lingering death to my mother.
Maybe next time you could
bring a box of TB,
or a little hamper of ebola.
Is that Cathy I can hear?
Cath-Cath! You frigging beauty.
Ooh, you got your
Grampy's gubbins, too?
Hiya, Grampy - got your baccy.
Cathy, your nan's not
with you, is she?
No. I'm solo and YOLO, Grampy.
Cathy!
Thank God. Hi, Wyatt.
I've done that black pudding
no justice, eating it that fast.
I've basically murdered my fry-up.
The man said not to worry about the gnarly
bits that look like straw and sawdust.
Old Grampy's not worried about a bit
of garnish - as long as the price is right.
You going to hang out
with us for a bit, bab?
Yeah - I'll chill my boots
here for a bit.
Wyatt, go and get your cousin a Coke.
Can we have Coke too, Mum?
No. The shit that does
to Wyatt's teeth,
I might as well bash them
out with a spade -
not that Mummy would do that, bab.
You lot can have water.
Great. Water. "It's the taste."
Ooh, that's cheap baccy.
I'd cough, but that
reflex died years ago.
Right, you lot need to frig off round
the front garden for 20 minutes.
Cathy! Go! Go!
Hiya, Cath.
And stay out of the sun!
Shade is free -
Cameron's not clocked that one yet!
Mmm...
I love the smell of
Ronseal in the morning.
You not going with them, Dad?
There will be fumes, you know.
I reckon I can handle it.
Aw, thanks.
Do you want the chair, Cathy?
Ah, Wyatt. You're such a gent.
That's where Mum sits when she's
keeping an eye on the bin men.
Have a sixpence. Thanks, Cathy!
It's an obsolete coin, Wyatt -
not "the one ring". Get a grip.
Oh, it's good to just chill.
College is taking it out of me.
I am knackered -
but in-my-mind knackered.
It's a whole new kind of knackered.
Yeah, right...
I'll have to hide,
if anyone I know goes past.
They call you the
"freak family" at school,
on account of how you're...
you know, freaks?
Society always shuns what it fears.
What do they know, anyway?
Who even is society?
Just some people...
You get called most names actually,
Germaine.
Like "Lady Hagrid",
"Girl Russell Brand",
"Fat Winehouse..."
It's kind of the law
of jungle at school.
If you don't join in,
you pay the price.
Actually, I'm the one that
came up with "Fat Winehouse".
Oh. Thanks a bunch, Cathy.
They think you're the
kids' mother, you know?
What, so...
Then who do they think Mum is?
Your hot eldest daughter.
In six months, all that is going to
be heaving with fresh vegetables -
and then Aldi can go fuck itself.
Oh, he's wily, that Smiley.
Heh-heh! You show them, son.
Oh, here she is.
Right on cue. Frigging Tiddles...
Come to do her business in my
brand-new border, the tabby shit-bag.
Well, not on my watch.
Eh, that was horrible.
It was like you were channelling
your mother for a second, there.
I'm going to hose that little bitch,
every time she comes back.
Teach her not to drop her
biscuits in my basket.
Classical conditioning, Della.
Powerful technique. Good call.
It bloody works though, Dad.
I've been using it on the kids.
Since I've been feeding them
really salty food when it's on,
they've gone right off
Dora the frigging Explorer. Huh.
Just a couple of sprays
on Tiddles' pink anus
and she'll learn to
respect my borders.
I'd do that to your mother,
but she'd probably like it,
the kinky old bird.
Stop making that face around her.
What face?
Like you're interested in her.
I am interested in her.
She's had experience of things
that happened beyond
the postbox, Germaine.
That's interesting to me.
Yeah, well, it's easy
for her to be interesting.
I'd be interesting if my dad
was having a breakdown,
and I'd been given an iPhone and a
hamster, just to stop me being sad.
Unfortunately,
I've not been so lucky.
Yeah, the gods have been
so unkind to you!
What up, bummers?
The gods are back on-side - Lee!
Oh, my God.
Look at him, Aretha...
Ice white, like a sexy iceberg.
God, I'd ram my gigantic
transatlantic steamer into him.
Screw the plebs in third class!
Look! It's Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!
I knew he'd have a zinger for me.
Gypsy Wedding's good - it means
he associates me with weddings.
..And bare-knuckle fighting.
No way.
Is that Lee Rhind?
Yeah.
He was the year below me at school.
Last time I saw him, he had
a Blackberry and Bieber hair.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at his dreamy breasts, Aretha!
I don't think they're called
"breasts" when they're on a man.
His nipples are so petite -
like little chocolate chips.
I might go over there.
Tell him to shut up.
Yeah, be my guest.
On your head be it.
Last time I approached him
unannounced, he threw a dog at me.
I reckon I'll be all right.
I'm going to take my girls with me.
No-one argues with my girls.
Fool.
Oi, Rhind! What?
Any second now,
she'll come running back,
crying that he called her
a "bummer".
Germaine - seriously, can you not
see what's going on?
What? What's "going on"?
Well, look at him.
Kong has fallen in love.
No way!
They could be talking
about anything.
He could be asking
her for directions.
Yeah - to her vagina.
Aretha, do something!
Intervene! Make him chase you!
Lure him away with your lurid hair!
Wise up - they have chemistry.
It's a done deal.
They may have chemistry,
but I have fearsome intellect.
Fearsome intellect doesn't look
good in shorts, Germaine.
Ooh, this is what she wants -
a nice fine tilth,
all soft and welcoming.
She'll get in here, wanting to
free her chocolate hostages -
and then whammo!
Seems a bit hardcore to me, Del.
Me, I take the Ghandi approach.
That's appeasement, Dad.
Which is understandable,
given that you're basically
living with Vichy France.
Now, Della, come on - your mum
can't help being a firebrand.
It's part of what I love about her.
"Firebrand"?
She called Yoko a "bitch" -
on Christmas Day.
Yeah, well none of us are at our
best on Christmas Day, are we Della?
Well, Ebenezer Scrooge made
the best of it - and The Grinch.
Right. I need to get the kids in.
They've had their
20 minutes outside,
so that's rickets taken care of,
Professor Tanya Byron.
Here, Ghandi - you're on cat patrol.
If you see the little pink target,
take a shot.
And no appeasement, Dad.
How you handle my mother
is your business,
but this manky old
creature's going down.
This will not stand.
She's overstepped her bounds.
I'm going to have to avenge myself
on Catherine Elizabeth Garry.
The best revenge is a
life well-lived, Germaine.
I don't have time for
"a life well-lived".
I'm just going to punch her,
or make her infertile.
You're going Joffrey.
I'm just warning you.
Lee reckons my fitness is unbounded.
He's got good taste -
and biceps like melons.
What is wrong with
the women in this family?
I expect it from Germaine -
she fancied Osama Bin Laden...
He had dreamy eyes,
like Gareth Gates.
..but you have AS levels, Cathy.
I expected better of you.
Right, everyone - inside.
I'm not having anyone - Aretha -
getting sunstroke again.
The boating lake sunstroke incident
was Germaine's fault, Mum.
She refused to row back to shore.
I'd already paid for
40 minutes, Aretha
and I wanted to see the coot's nest.
Laters, loser!
I aye arsed of you, Lee.
Well, I am arsed...
so very arsed of you.
We could watch telly.
I think Dora the Explorer
might be on.
I don't like Dora.
Dora makes me thirsty.
What do you say we play
a little game, Cathy?
Would you like to dance with
the devil in the pale moonlight?
Cool. I'm brilliant
at dancing games.
No... I don't mean actual dancing.
Card games - gambling.
Shithead.
Cool, yeah. Shithead's my game.
Bring it on.
Then let's have this. Who's in?
Me!
Aretha?
No.
I swore I'd never play
another family game
after Shit Nan stabbed me
in the hand with a fork
when I bought the Old Kent Road.
The brown ones are hers,
apparently.
Can I play? No!
Yoko isn't allowed to play
card games. She cheats.
I don't cheat. I just know
what card's coming next.
Yeah, exactly... cheater.
That's a two.
Yoko!
What's this?
Are you playing Shithead?
Yep.
You know the rules - no gambling...
without me.
We're early doors. Get involved.
Is she playing? No.
Good, let's have this.
Right, then. Quick recap
of the rules for the babbies.
First one rid of their cards wins.
The last one left in
is the Shithead
and each time you lose,
you get a letter on your forehead.
Two is a glass card, aces high, ten
burns the deck, Jacks nominate. So...
..anyone want to bet me a lifetime
of loading the dishwasher?
Thought not.
Yes! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Germaine's got a six.
Yoko!
Mariah, play for Mummy, petal.
Put that Jack on Wyatt's nine
and crush his little dreams.
Della...
Della!
No appeasement, eh?
Right then, Tiddles.
It's just you and me.
Time to make a stand.
Yoko!
Sorry, Wyatt.
Rules are rules.
Don't bet what you
can't stand to lose, bab.
Right, Cathy. It's just you and me.
This is it - the decider.
Tonight, you die in Hell, Cathy.
Dine in Hell. It's "dine in Hell."
Really? That's way less
dramatic than dying in hell.
That's just a meal somewhere hot.
I'd be fine with that.
Come on - less mouth action,
more card action, Germaine.
Yeah, OK. This is it.
I'm going to crush you.
No-one ever won anything
with a seven, Germaine.
An ace, and I'm out!
Now, that's good Shithead.
Thanks a bunch, the gods!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
I beat you, Germaine. Yes!
Come on! Give me another chance.
Let's have a rematch.
Yeah, a rematch.
Cos at of Wimbledon,
they always have a re-match,
in case the loser's a bit sad
and wants another try!
Butt out, Aretha. You're not on
Have I Got News For You.
Come on, Cathy. We can play
something shorter, like... Snap,
or general knowledge -
double or quits.
You've got nothing left
to double with, Germaine.
I've already won all your stuff.
But, bring it on -
Aretha can be question master.
She's impartial, like Evan Davis.
Right then, this will be
a family knowledge quiz.
Best of three, fastest finger first.
How many people does Mariah
think live in the UK?
3,000.
Correct - one point to Cathy.
That's not fair. You know
I've got no interest in Mariah!
Ask me about something I care about.
Very well. This Christmas,
Germaine attempted to insult me
by calling me a ginger "something".
Got it! It was a "ginger basilisk".
Yes, it was.
Though technically,
that's not an insult,
as a basilisk
is A, literally legendary
and B, king of the reptiles.
Here comes the deciding question.
What is Yoko most scared of?
Blood! No, birds!
No - the theme tune to Panorama!
I'm going with Panorama.
It's Panorama.
Yoko?
It's high on the list, not top.
Balls!
Is it Michael Parkinson?
He's number three.
Uncle Nigel's hands?
They look like monkey paws.
Then Cathy has won - again.
The quiz is over. U-S-A! U-S-A!
No way. I know way more
about this family than Cathy.
I'm actually in this family!
For example,
I bet Cathy doesn't know
why we didn't go
bowling for my birthday.
Because the prices at that bowling
alley are a frigging disgrace.
I will not pay 3.75
for a Juice Shoot.
Not now, not ever.
No, Mum. You and I both know
it was because you thought
Aretha would be embarrassed
asking for men's bowling shoes,
because her feet are freakishly
wide, like those of a platypus.
Zip it, Germaine.
Too late, Mum. My files are open.
Now I'm Assanging.
Yoko, here's a truth bomb for you.
Mum frequently takes money
from your special savings jar
to pay the egg man.
That's my Natural History Museum
fund!
I always put it back after.
It's just that frigging egg man's
a stickler for the right change...
What about you, Cathy?
Did you know that Shit Nan
calls you "The Orphan",
because both of your parents
are lacklustre?
Pow! Top that, Edward Snowden!
Enough of this bollocks.
Go to bed, now!
No, Mum. I'm the truth -
and you can't send the truth to bed!
I frigging can!
Go to bed, Germaine.
OK, fine. The truth is going to bed.
Clearly it's not welcome here.
Enjoy Lee. Be gentle.
He's a lot more sensitive than his
"Poon Hunter" T-shirt would suggest.
'Oh, Chris - you've brought
a beautiful bird.
'I have indeed. We'd like you
to look out for these this weekend
'and going forward, too.
It's a barn owl...'
Yeah...
you stroke that fierce
lady predator, Chris.
Calm her right down.
Looks like Germaine's
running away again.
Frig's sake!
Springwatch has just started.
What the frig are you doing,
Germaine?
I'm running away, of course.
You're going nowhere.
The buses stopped at six.
Well, then I'm going to make
a new life for myself
here at the bus stop.
Come on, then.
Tell me what's going on.
I am listening.
Why does everybody
like Cathy so much?
She's evil. I hate her.
OK, so you don't like Cathy.
What's the big deal?
There's loads of people I hate -
my own mother, Bill Oddie,
a band from the '90s
called All Saints...
But I'm not a hater. I hate haters.
I comment on YouTube videos
to exactly that effect.
There's nothing wrong with a bit
of hate, Germaine. It's only human.
You've just got to learn
to mask it, that's all.
Mask my hate?
Yup. Be two-faced.
That's my advice, Germaine.
You'll get your chance
to let out all the hate
when capitalism goes tits up
and you're fighting for a dead rat
with a home-made cleaver.
So is that what everybody does?
Pretend to like each other?
90% of the time, Germaine, yes.
Now, come home
and apologise to your cousin.
And you can be
as insincere as you like.
That's your treat.
I'm going now, Germaine.
Cathy, Germaine would like to say
something to you, before you go.
I'm sorry for my uncouth words,
Cathy. Forgive my temper.
We shouldn't fight over a man.
We're better than that.
We were fighting over a man?
Shit! Grampy!
Dad?
Della, hear me out.
I know this looks bad,
but I'm playing the long game here.
I've got her right where I want her.
So have I.
Della?
Sorry, Dad...
but I won't stand for appeasement.
Della!
Well, that was your
biggest running away yet.
You made it all the way
to the bus stop. Congratulations.
Maybe next time,
you'll make it out of the postcode.
You can mock, Aretha, but I am
the victor in this situation.
Mum thinks I'm taking her advice
and being two-faced to Cathy,
when, actually, I'm just
pretending to be two-faced.
Do you see?
I'm being two-faced
on a whole other level.
Ingenious, eh?
Just like Sherlock Holmes.
You're no Holmes, Germaine.
You're a Watson
who thinks he's a Holmes.
When you eliminate the impossible,
whatever remains,
no matter how improbable -
will be me doing Lee.
Dream on, Watson.
You noob.
If we could just block out
that last chink of light,
watching this film outdoors
would be nearly as good as
watching it inside.
Ooh - all out of fruit cubes?
I'll go on a run.
Stay out of the sun, Germaine.
Yeah, yeah. I'm only
going for ice cubes, Mum.
You could just sun cream us,
you know?
The price of sun cream -
I might as well paint you all
in liquid frigging gold.
Have you any idea of the total
surface area of six children?
You're the human Forth Bridge.
Oh, hey, Grampy.
What are you doing here?
Your nan's on a juice-cleanse.
She won't allow meat in the house.
It's wall-to-wall celery
round our place.
If that's your nan, stall her.
Germaine, hiya.
Hiya, Cathy. How lovely that you've
come over, completely unannounced.
Unfortunately, today is a
"close family" day only -
no cousins allowed. Sorry.
Let me in, Germolene. We've just
done a baccy-run to Poland.
I've got a delivery for Della.
Oh, I see.
Well, you'd better come in then,
seeing as you're delivering
lingering death to my mother.
Maybe next time you could
bring a box of TB,
or a little hamper of ebola.
Is that Cathy I can hear?
Cath-Cath! You frigging beauty.
Ooh, you got your
Grampy's gubbins, too?
Hiya, Grampy - got your baccy.
Cathy, your nan's not
with you, is she?
No. I'm solo and YOLO, Grampy.
Cathy!
Thank God. Hi, Wyatt.
I've done that black pudding
no justice, eating it that fast.
I've basically murdered my fry-up.
The man said not to worry about the gnarly
bits that look like straw and sawdust.
Old Grampy's not worried about a bit
of garnish - as long as the price is right.
You going to hang out
with us for a bit, bab?
Yeah - I'll chill my boots
here for a bit.
Wyatt, go and get your cousin a Coke.
Can we have Coke too, Mum?
No. The shit that does
to Wyatt's teeth,
I might as well bash them
out with a spade -
not that Mummy would do that, bab.
You lot can have water.
Great. Water. "It's the taste."
Ooh, that's cheap baccy.
I'd cough, but that
reflex died years ago.
Right, you lot need to frig off round
the front garden for 20 minutes.
Cathy! Go! Go!
Hiya, Cath.
And stay out of the sun!
Shade is free -
Cameron's not clocked that one yet!
Mmm...
I love the smell of
Ronseal in the morning.
You not going with them, Dad?
There will be fumes, you know.
I reckon I can handle it.
Aw, thanks.
Do you want the chair, Cathy?
Ah, Wyatt. You're such a gent.
That's where Mum sits when she's
keeping an eye on the bin men.
Have a sixpence. Thanks, Cathy!
It's an obsolete coin, Wyatt -
not "the one ring". Get a grip.
Oh, it's good to just chill.
College is taking it out of me.
I am knackered -
but in-my-mind knackered.
It's a whole new kind of knackered.
Yeah, right...
I'll have to hide,
if anyone I know goes past.
They call you the
"freak family" at school,
on account of how you're...
you know, freaks?
Society always shuns what it fears.
What do they know, anyway?
Who even is society?
Just some people...
You get called most names actually,
Germaine.
Like "Lady Hagrid",
"Girl Russell Brand",
"Fat Winehouse..."
It's kind of the law
of jungle at school.
If you don't join in,
you pay the price.
Actually, I'm the one that
came up with "Fat Winehouse".
Oh. Thanks a bunch, Cathy.
They think you're the
kids' mother, you know?
What, so...
Then who do they think Mum is?
Your hot eldest daughter.
In six months, all that is going to
be heaving with fresh vegetables -
and then Aldi can go fuck itself.
Oh, he's wily, that Smiley.
Heh-heh! You show them, son.
Oh, here she is.
Right on cue. Frigging Tiddles...
Come to do her business in my
brand-new border, the tabby shit-bag.
Well, not on my watch.
Eh, that was horrible.
It was like you were channelling
your mother for a second, there.
I'm going to hose that little bitch,
every time she comes back.
Teach her not to drop her
biscuits in my basket.
Classical conditioning, Della.
Powerful technique. Good call.
It bloody works though, Dad.
I've been using it on the kids.
Since I've been feeding them
really salty food when it's on,
they've gone right off
Dora the frigging Explorer. Huh.
Just a couple of sprays
on Tiddles' pink anus
and she'll learn to
respect my borders.
I'd do that to your mother,
but she'd probably like it,
the kinky old bird.
Stop making that face around her.
What face?
Like you're interested in her.
I am interested in her.
She's had experience of things
that happened beyond
the postbox, Germaine.
That's interesting to me.
Yeah, well, it's easy
for her to be interesting.
I'd be interesting if my dad
was having a breakdown,
and I'd been given an iPhone and a
hamster, just to stop me being sad.
Unfortunately,
I've not been so lucky.
Yeah, the gods have been
so unkind to you!
What up, bummers?
The gods are back on-side - Lee!
Oh, my God.
Look at him, Aretha...
Ice white, like a sexy iceberg.
God, I'd ram my gigantic
transatlantic steamer into him.
Screw the plebs in third class!
Look! It's Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!
I knew he'd have a zinger for me.
Gypsy Wedding's good - it means
he associates me with weddings.
..And bare-knuckle fighting.
No way.
Is that Lee Rhind?
Yeah.
He was the year below me at school.
Last time I saw him, he had
a Blackberry and Bieber hair.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at his dreamy breasts, Aretha!
I don't think they're called
"breasts" when they're on a man.
His nipples are so petite -
like little chocolate chips.
I might go over there.
Tell him to shut up.
Yeah, be my guest.
On your head be it.
Last time I approached him
unannounced, he threw a dog at me.
I reckon I'll be all right.
I'm going to take my girls with me.
No-one argues with my girls.
Fool.
Oi, Rhind! What?
Any second now,
she'll come running back,
crying that he called her
a "bummer".
Germaine - seriously, can you not
see what's going on?
What? What's "going on"?
Well, look at him.
Kong has fallen in love.
No way!
They could be talking
about anything.
He could be asking
her for directions.
Yeah - to her vagina.
Aretha, do something!
Intervene! Make him chase you!
Lure him away with your lurid hair!
Wise up - they have chemistry.
It's a done deal.
They may have chemistry,
but I have fearsome intellect.
Fearsome intellect doesn't look
good in shorts, Germaine.
Ooh, this is what she wants -
a nice fine tilth,
all soft and welcoming.
She'll get in here, wanting to
free her chocolate hostages -
and then whammo!
Seems a bit hardcore to me, Del.
Me, I take the Ghandi approach.
That's appeasement, Dad.
Which is understandable,
given that you're basically
living with Vichy France.
Now, Della, come on - your mum
can't help being a firebrand.
It's part of what I love about her.
"Firebrand"?
She called Yoko a "bitch" -
on Christmas Day.
Yeah, well none of us are at our
best on Christmas Day, are we Della?
Well, Ebenezer Scrooge made
the best of it - and The Grinch.
Right. I need to get the kids in.
They've had their
20 minutes outside,
so that's rickets taken care of,
Professor Tanya Byron.
Here, Ghandi - you're on cat patrol.
If you see the little pink target,
take a shot.
And no appeasement, Dad.
How you handle my mother
is your business,
but this manky old
creature's going down.
This will not stand.
She's overstepped her bounds.
I'm going to have to avenge myself
on Catherine Elizabeth Garry.
The best revenge is a
life well-lived, Germaine.
I don't have time for
"a life well-lived".
I'm just going to punch her,
or make her infertile.
You're going Joffrey.
I'm just warning you.
Lee reckons my fitness is unbounded.
He's got good taste -
and biceps like melons.
What is wrong with
the women in this family?
I expect it from Germaine -
she fancied Osama Bin Laden...
He had dreamy eyes,
like Gareth Gates.
..but you have AS levels, Cathy.
I expected better of you.
Right, everyone - inside.
I'm not having anyone - Aretha -
getting sunstroke again.
The boating lake sunstroke incident
was Germaine's fault, Mum.
She refused to row back to shore.
I'd already paid for
40 minutes, Aretha
and I wanted to see the coot's nest.
Laters, loser!
I aye arsed of you, Lee.
Well, I am arsed...
so very arsed of you.
We could watch telly.
I think Dora the Explorer
might be on.
I don't like Dora.
Dora makes me thirsty.
What do you say we play
a little game, Cathy?
Would you like to dance with
the devil in the pale moonlight?
Cool. I'm brilliant
at dancing games.
No... I don't mean actual dancing.
Card games - gambling.
Shithead.
Cool, yeah. Shithead's my game.
Bring it on.
Then let's have this. Who's in?
Me!
Aretha?
No.
I swore I'd never play
another family game
after Shit Nan stabbed me
in the hand with a fork
when I bought the Old Kent Road.
The brown ones are hers,
apparently.
Can I play? No!
Yoko isn't allowed to play
card games. She cheats.
I don't cheat. I just know
what card's coming next.
Yeah, exactly... cheater.
That's a two.
Yoko!
What's this?
Are you playing Shithead?
Yep.
You know the rules - no gambling...
without me.
We're early doors. Get involved.
Is she playing? No.
Good, let's have this.
Right, then. Quick recap
of the rules for the babbies.
First one rid of their cards wins.
The last one left in
is the Shithead
and each time you lose,
you get a letter on your forehead.
Two is a glass card, aces high, ten
burns the deck, Jacks nominate. So...
..anyone want to bet me a lifetime
of loading the dishwasher?
Thought not.
Yes! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Germaine's got a six.
Yoko!
Mariah, play for Mummy, petal.
Put that Jack on Wyatt's nine
and crush his little dreams.
Della...
Della!
No appeasement, eh?
Right then, Tiddles.
It's just you and me.
Time to make a stand.
Yoko!
Sorry, Wyatt.
Rules are rules.
Don't bet what you
can't stand to lose, bab.
Right, Cathy. It's just you and me.
This is it - the decider.
Tonight, you die in Hell, Cathy.
Dine in Hell. It's "dine in Hell."
Really? That's way less
dramatic than dying in hell.
That's just a meal somewhere hot.
I'd be fine with that.
Come on - less mouth action,
more card action, Germaine.
Yeah, OK. This is it.
I'm going to crush you.
No-one ever won anything
with a seven, Germaine.
An ace, and I'm out!
Now, that's good Shithead.
Thanks a bunch, the gods!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
I beat you, Germaine. Yes!
Come on! Give me another chance.
Let's have a rematch.
Yeah, a rematch.
Cos at of Wimbledon,
they always have a re-match,
in case the loser's a bit sad
and wants another try!
Butt out, Aretha. You're not on
Have I Got News For You.
Come on, Cathy. We can play
something shorter, like... Snap,
or general knowledge -
double or quits.
You've got nothing left
to double with, Germaine.
I've already won all your stuff.
But, bring it on -
Aretha can be question master.
She's impartial, like Evan Davis.
Right then, this will be
a family knowledge quiz.
Best of three, fastest finger first.
How many people does Mariah
think live in the UK?
3,000.
Correct - one point to Cathy.
That's not fair. You know
I've got no interest in Mariah!
Ask me about something I care about.
Very well. This Christmas,
Germaine attempted to insult me
by calling me a ginger "something".
Got it! It was a "ginger basilisk".
Yes, it was.
Though technically,
that's not an insult,
as a basilisk
is A, literally legendary
and B, king of the reptiles.
Here comes the deciding question.
What is Yoko most scared of?
Blood! No, birds!
No - the theme tune to Panorama!
I'm going with Panorama.
It's Panorama.
Yoko?
It's high on the list, not top.
Balls!
Is it Michael Parkinson?
He's number three.
Uncle Nigel's hands?
They look like monkey paws.
Then Cathy has won - again.
The quiz is over. U-S-A! U-S-A!
No way. I know way more
about this family than Cathy.
I'm actually in this family!
For example,
I bet Cathy doesn't know
why we didn't go
bowling for my birthday.
Because the prices at that bowling
alley are a frigging disgrace.
I will not pay 3.75
for a Juice Shoot.
Not now, not ever.
No, Mum. You and I both know
it was because you thought
Aretha would be embarrassed
asking for men's bowling shoes,
because her feet are freakishly
wide, like those of a platypus.
Zip it, Germaine.
Too late, Mum. My files are open.
Now I'm Assanging.
Yoko, here's a truth bomb for you.
Mum frequently takes money
from your special savings jar
to pay the egg man.
That's my Natural History Museum
fund!
I always put it back after.
It's just that frigging egg man's
a stickler for the right change...
What about you, Cathy?
Did you know that Shit Nan
calls you "The Orphan",
because both of your parents
are lacklustre?
Pow! Top that, Edward Snowden!
Enough of this bollocks.
Go to bed, now!
No, Mum. I'm the truth -
and you can't send the truth to bed!
I frigging can!
Go to bed, Germaine.
OK, fine. The truth is going to bed.
Clearly it's not welcome here.
Enjoy Lee. Be gentle.
He's a lot more sensitive than his
"Poon Hunter" T-shirt would suggest.
'Oh, Chris - you've brought
a beautiful bird.
'I have indeed. We'd like you
to look out for these this weekend
'and going forward, too.
It's a barn owl...'
Yeah...
you stroke that fierce
lady predator, Chris.
Calm her right down.
Looks like Germaine's
running away again.
Frig's sake!
Springwatch has just started.
What the frig are you doing,
Germaine?
I'm running away, of course.
You're going nowhere.
The buses stopped at six.
Well, then I'm going to make
a new life for myself
here at the bus stop.
Come on, then.
Tell me what's going on.
I am listening.
Why does everybody
like Cathy so much?
She's evil. I hate her.
OK, so you don't like Cathy.
What's the big deal?
There's loads of people I hate -
my own mother, Bill Oddie,
a band from the '90s
called All Saints...
But I'm not a hater. I hate haters.
I comment on YouTube videos
to exactly that effect.
There's nothing wrong with a bit
of hate, Germaine. It's only human.
You've just got to learn
to mask it, that's all.
Mask my hate?
Yup. Be two-faced.
That's my advice, Germaine.
You'll get your chance
to let out all the hate
when capitalism goes tits up
and you're fighting for a dead rat
with a home-made cleaver.
So is that what everybody does?
Pretend to like each other?
90% of the time, Germaine, yes.
Now, come home
and apologise to your cousin.
And you can be
as insincere as you like.
That's your treat.
I'm going now, Germaine.
Cathy, Germaine would like to say
something to you, before you go.
I'm sorry for my uncouth words,
Cathy. Forgive my temper.
We shouldn't fight over a man.
We're better than that.
We were fighting over a man?
Shit! Grampy!
Dad?
Della, hear me out.
I know this looks bad,
but I'm playing the long game here.
I've got her right where I want her.
So have I.
Della?
Sorry, Dad...
but I won't stand for appeasement.
Della!
Well, that was your
biggest running away yet.
You made it all the way
to the bus stop. Congratulations.
Maybe next time,
you'll make it out of the postcode.
You can mock, Aretha, but I am
the victor in this situation.
Mum thinks I'm taking her advice
and being two-faced to Cathy,
when, actually, I'm just
pretending to be two-faced.
Do you see?
I'm being two-faced
on a whole other level.
Ingenious, eh?
Just like Sherlock Holmes.
You're no Holmes, Germaine.
You're a Watson
who thinks he's a Holmes.
When you eliminate the impossible,
whatever remains,
no matter how improbable -
will be me doing Lee.
Dream on, Watson.
You noob.