Raised by Wolves (2013–2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Yoko's Got Talent - full transcript

What's your name and
where do you come from?

My name's Yoko. I'm 13, and
I come from that bunk bed.

Do you have any dying relatives?

Um... Grampy has a cold sore?

And what are you going to do
for us tonight?

I'm going to sing.

Take it away, Yoko.

♪ Why do... ♪
Hey, guys! Check it out!

I have four buttocks!

Germaine! Look!

Avert your eyes, Wyatt.



It's a no for me.

Sub by MemoryOnSmells, sync by santibone

So, if you find your washing machine
isn't draining properly,

there could be an item or debris
in the filt...

Ugh! You and your frigging head,
blondie.

Silly cow.

Mom, we need to talk about Germaine.

Is she trying to get you
to sell your hair

on the internet again?
No, it's something else.

I think she's damaging
Wyatt's emotional wellbeing.

Wyatt, come in, please.

What happened?

Germaine showed him her four
buttocks. Of course she did.

Right. Wyatt,



I know it sucks to be
the only boy in this house.

Here. Have Optimus Prime,

he's master of his domain.
And he transforms into an hatchback.

Now take Optimus up the garden
and chill on my poor man's patio

while I sort everything out.

OK, Mom.

Oh, and there's one more thing.

Germaine told him about hyenas
giving birth through their clitoris.

What's all this crap about four
buttocks and hyena clitorises, Germaine?

You're traumatising Wyatt.

They're just facts, Mom.
My pants are just too small.

It's like they've heard
there's a storm coming

and are seeking safe haven
in my bum crack.

And David Attenborough said the thing about
hyenas, so take that up with him. Germaine,

when you need new underwear,
just come and frigging tell me.

There's no need to show anyone your
bifurcated arse cheeks, you get me?

Sure thing, Chief.

Right, then.

What size?

Large, black...

No, Mom, you can't buy pants
on eBay! Why not?

It's where I buy my cables
and tarpaulins.

Because I want to try things on.
Touch the fabric.

Feel like a special lady.
Can't we go into town?

Going into town won't make you feel
like a special lady, Germaine.

It'll make you feel sweaty,
claustrophobic and poor.

Mom...

if you're going to buy,
er, you know...

I think I might need a new...

Do you need a new bra, Yoko?

It's true, she does. The other day,
running for the bus,

three people on the top deck
started filming on their phones.

Right then, fine.
We're going up town.

But I warn you now, because of
how mental conditioning works,

that I cannot allow you
to enjoy the experience.

♪ Here come the girls! ♪

Is my mother in?

Nah, she's in Kingswinford
with the bell-ringers.

I need you to have Wyatt for the day.

Why? You're not doing a runner,
are you? No. Chill your boots, Dad.

Wyatt's had too much time
around women.

We're frigging him up.
With our bloody high-pitched voices

and our moods and our constant
chatter... Preach it, sister!

Do something that'll make him
feel good about being male.

I would venture that rucksack's not
helping him, Del. That's a girl's rucksack.

It features a girl, Dad.
That doesn't make it a girl's thing.

You know, like strip clubs.

Anyway, the only other option
was Fireman Sam,

and I can't stand the twat.

Come on, then, Wyatt.
Bros before hos.

But don't tell your nan I said that.

Mom, why did we have to park here?

There are loads of places
nearer the shops.

Because it's free for half an hour.

I will not pay for parking
in my own home town, Germaine.

It's an outrage. They even charge
at the frigging hospital now.

When I went into labour with Cher,

I parked in the ambulance bay
with my hazards on,

and told the doctors to use forceps.

Right, I'm not losing the whole day
to this shopping bollocks.

We're going in one shop.
Underwear. Out. Get me?

But Mom, we haven't planned
what kind of pants I'm getting.

Well, knickers are basically a drip
tray for your bits, Germaine.

So two leg holes and a gusset
is about all you need.

Plus get them in black so I can chuck
them in the wash with the tea towels.

Welcome to the wilderness, Wyatt.
The best place to be a boy.

Or a bear.

Although it's unwise
for the two groups to mix.

Bears can take your scalp off
with one swipe of their claws.

Are there bears here, Grampy?
Not any more.

Or are there?

No, there aren't.

You know what, Wyatt, you don't actually
need a plastic gun out here in the wilderness.

All a boy really needs here
is a stick.

This is better than a gun.

It's silent, and it can be
anything you want it to be. Like...

No, it's gone.
Here, you work it out.

It's your stick.

Ah, all the ladies, out on the town,

exercising our God-given right

to fabulise ourselves
till the break of dawn,

and shop till we drop.

I'm glad George Orwell died before
he had to hear the word fabulise.

Between you and Mom, you're ruining
this whole experience.

Do you know what the Buddhists
believe, Germaine?

You choose what parents
you get born to.

So don't start moaning at me.
Cos this was all your idea.

There's no way that's true.
I definitely would have chosen

Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn
as my parents.

I'd go with Mr and Mrs Incredible,
from The Incredibles.

Mrs Incredible can turn into
a speedboat.

I'll take Dan Cruickshank
and Simon Schama, thanks.

I'll remind you of these choices
if any of you ever need a kidney.

Mom, can we have a quick browse
in here?

I'd love to ring in the changes
with a snood.

Those snoods are the result of
child suffering, Germaine.

And? Should a five-year-old
in Bangladesh work an 18-hour day

so some silly bitch over here
can make her neck look chunky?

This is child suffering, Mom.
I'm snoodless.

And snoods are key this fall.

Autumn, Germaine. That season
is called autumn. This isn't America.

In this country, fall is what
happened to your great gramma.

See that rock over there?

I ambushed my brother behind
that rock when I was your age.

Shot him in the leg
with an air rifle.

I wish I had a brother.

You're not missing much.
I'm speaking from experience.

I had four brothers.

Five, if you count the twins
as two separate people.

Which we never did.

Ah, the old quarry.

Beautiful, but fatal, Wyatt.

We saw a dead man's face
in there once.

That's why we called it
Dead Man's Face Pond.

Turned out he was my uncle.

Horribly gnarly hands, he had.

Right, best get a wriggle on.
I've got to see a man about a dog.

There's so much choice!

What sort of underwear girl am I,
I wonder?

Oooh, these look challenging.

Dare I accept that challenge?

That's basically
a bacterial superhighway

from your bumhole to your business,
Germaine.

I'm talking cystitis.

Have you ever had a UTI?

It's like someone pouring vinegar
down your piss pipe.

Come away from there, bab.

These are lovely.
Such pretty colours.

Sophie Raworth probably wears pants
like this when she's reading the news.

I could definitely announce
a royal birth in these.

There's no wear in them, Germaine.
You need something more industrial.

"Industrial" is not a word
on my panties mood board, Mom.

Don't say "panties", Germaine.
It makes me want to slap you.

I'll tell you what you should get,
kiddo. Boxer shorts.

You can't fob a man off
with flimsy pants.

And they won't stand for nylon
near their bits.

Men value quality in a garment.

If they get less than
a decade of wear out of something,

they come and ram-raid the shop.

Ask her to measure you.

Can you ask?

I can't intercede on your behalf,
Yoko.

You are not the Crown Prince of
Denmark. I am not your equerry.

D'you wanna be measured, lovely?

Come on through, then, bab.

Aww! What a sweet babby.

I am not her mom.

I don't like it here, Grampy.

Pahhh! There's nothing
to be scared of.

This is the sort of place
where real men do business.

None of that boardroom bollocks
for me, mate.

You got them?
I'll stick 'em in the boot

and then we'll start the haggling.

I love the haggling.

Right, laddy. Little lesson for you.

Beat old Iron Balls here
down to 20 quid.

But don't look him in the eye.
It makes him angry.

It's Della Garry here, love.

I've got an appointment for a smear
at 11, but I might be a bit late.

I'm on an emergency underwear trip
with my eldest.

Yeah, the one who got the kidney bean
stuck up her nose.

I know, it always cheers me up, too.

Nice one, bab. Tararabit.

I'm a G!

We've fitted the young lady
with a new T-shirt bra.

Watch this.

Nothing moved!

Congratulations, Yoko. You've won
your personal war against gravity.

But now we need to find Germaine.

I just overheard information
of great import!

Germaine! Germaine?

What?

Mom has a smear test appointment
today.

She did
the washing machine filter earlier

and waxed her moustache this
morning. What does that tell you?

That being a middle-aged woman
sucks?

It's her birthday, Germaine. She always
does things she hates on her birthday.

Remember last year when she lanced
that boil on Grampy's back?

Pus-gate? I'll remember it forever.

But so what? We forget her birthday
every year. She doesn't care.

Yeah, she says she doesn't care.

But what about last year's
ten-mile hike?

Or when she invented
luncheon meat soup?

Both the day after her birthday.

She wormed us that time!

Exactly. And you know what?

I don't think we needed
to be wormed.

Oh, God! Mom says she doesn't care
about her birthday.

But she does.
She just won't admit it.

Something tells me
if we'd have said it with flowers,

she wouldn't have said it
with worming tablets.

Get to the tills.
We've got seven minutes!

Move it! We have to stall her.

Do something.
I know. I'll do my fake fit.

No! Don't do that, Germaine.

Aretha! I need the toilet.

Yes, Mariah!

Mom, Mariah needs the toilet!

Germaine, don't fit! Ohhh! I was
really looking forward to that.

For frig's sake, Mariah, I purposely
dehydrated you today as well.

You lot take her to Starbucks
for a wazz.

I'm going for the car.
Here, take this.

But do not play Snake on it. The
battery's really low. And take that,

so they think you've just bought
a friggoccino.

You will be waiting for me
at the library in six minutes.

You hear me?
Yes, Mom, six minutes.

Six minutes.

This is it! Present-ageddon.

What does Mom love?

Germaine, I need to wee!

Well, what would you rather, Mariah?
To wee or to be wormed?

I don't want to be wormed.
Then hold it in, sister.

And make yourself useful and go
and look in the bargain bin.

Ray Mears! Mom loves Ray Mears.

She's got both of those.

She's got all of these.
Why hasn't he made more DVDs?

Get on with it, Mears!

Noam Chomsky is right, Germaine.

Consumerism will not further
humanity's progress.

This problem is bigger than
blockbusting DVDs.

I'm taking desperate measures.

# If it makes you happy

♪ Then why the hell
are you so sad? ♪

Speak. 'Grampy, it's Aretha.'

It's Mom's birthday.

Indeed. You know she's Leo
with Scorpio rising?

That's a powerful mix, Aretha.

A lion and a scorpion
in the body of a woman. Mayhem.

What you getting her?

We haven't got her anything.

Can we come in
on what you're getting?

Oooh... I don't think so, kid.

Nothing says "someone forgot"
like a load of names on a gift tag.

And I don't want her thinking
it's me that forgot.

She's borrowing my strimmer tomorrow

and I intend to get it back
in one piece.

Very well, Grampy.
If that's how you feel.

Just to say, your lack of cooperation
has not gone unnoticed.

What does that mean?

Not gone unnoticed? Aretha?

Aretha?!

He says no.

Goddamn, Grampy! I'll remember this
when he's too frail to feed himself.

Mom likes Russell Crowe,
doesn't she?

If it's Gladiator, don't bother.

She's already got three copies
of that. No, it's another one.

See? No sandals, no skirt.

What's he doing in it?

Mom only likes Russell Crowe
when he's angry or vengeful,

not when he's travelling through time
or has an illness.

He's a maverick cop
out to kill his corrupt bosses.

That's right up Mom's alley.

It'll remind her of that time she
quit the pound shop. Nice one, Yoko!

I knew I'd see
the point in you one day.

To the tills!

Oh, what?

Three minutes, Germaine!

OK. I know.

I'm going to steal this DVD.
For you guys.

For all of us. For Mom.

Here I go. I'm stealing...
No, you're not, love.

You're about ten decibels
too loud to be a shoplifter.

# Here they coming
with their guns, guns, guns

# See the news, take them on

# Here they coming
with their guns, guns, guns

# See the news, take them on

# You don't wanna, don't wanna

# Don't wanna mess with me
Don't mess with me

♪ I got the feeling
I can break... ♪

Eat it, love.

I really need a wee, Germaine!
Oh, shut up, Mariah.

It's all me, me, me with you,
isn't it?

OK, emergency brainstorm time.

When have you seen Mom
enjoying herself?

Outside of telling off pedestrians
for walking too slowly.

There was that YouTube video
of the shark biting the man.

She loved that. Or when Grampy
banged his coccyx at the ice rink.

I could do my dance for her.

Newsflash, Mariah. No-one
enjoys watching your dance.

Zero stars. Got it?

Wait! I know what we can get her.

Get in the car. And make it snappy.
I've got a van up my arse here.

What?

You'll just have to trust me.

- Are you in?
- Uh-huh.

Wind it in, Clarkson!

Right, that's my cervix scraped
for another three years.

I'm sure he opened that speculum
wider than he needed to.

But anyway, let's get the frig home.

Hey, Mom, so, obviously we haven't
forgotten that it's your birthday.

And now you've had
your lady bits serviced,

it's time for your present.

You haven't got me a THING, have you?

Every THING that comes into the house
becomes my problem.

Something I've got to unblock,
or mend. Or breastfeed.

It isn't a thing, Mom.
I think you're really gonna love it.

The rest of your present's
in the glove compartment.

You can open it when you're inside.
Enjoy having your rims buffed.

I would totally enjoy
having my rims buffed.

# Take me down to the Paradise City

# Where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty

# Oh, won't you please take me home?

# Yeah, yeah

# Take me down to the Paradise City

# Where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty

♪ Take me home... ♪

You know what, Yoko?
You've surprised me today.

This carwash is a good present.

I didn't have much faith in you

after the jar of stones
you got me at Christmas.

They were quartz, Germaine.

I thought they'd remind you
of the holiday on Barry Island

when we saw that shooting star
on the beach.

Sorry, Yoko.
The rule with presents is,

if you've got to explain them,
you've got it wrong.

Can I have some of that?

Sorry, Mariah.
No more fluids for you today.

You know what?

That was the best present
I've had in ten years.

I mean, it's up there with
the time I got norovirus

and had to quarantine myself

in my bedroom with a bucket
and a Bruce Willis box set.

All right, Dad?

Hey, Del. It's all tickety-boo
here. Come and join us.

I can give you
your birthday present.

I'll just text you our co-ordinates.

No, that seems to be broken.
We're in the Springdale, Del.

The pub? You'll be
pleasantly surprised, Del.

I'll sign off now.
Ooh, and is Aretha with you?

Yeah, she's here.

Tell her from me I'm not
intimidated by her. All right?

Grampy!

Ah!

Where's Wyatt?

He's up there, Del.
Loving it, so he is.

He didn't want man time. You were giving in
to sexual stereotypes, Della.

He just wanted alone time.

He's chilling up there
with old Octopus Prime.

You all right in there, bab?

Fine, thanks, Mom.

Well, well, well, you old sod.
You've actually come through for me.

This almost makes up for when you
left Yoko behind at Twycross Zoo.

Yeah. And that's not all, Del.

Popped into the big Tesco for
an iced bun and it struck me.

Get him something for home,
to give him some space.

See, thinking outside the box.

Or, in this case, inside the box.

That tickled me, Del. I was laughing
all the way to the tills.

Hmm. Not bad, Dad.

Anyway, enough about Grampy's
heroic tales of derring-do.

Happy birthday, Del.

My biggest and my best.

Just best'll do, Dad.
We've talked about this.

Come and see your present.

Real humdinger, this.

I've slaved over it.

For my patio?

Exactly. There's exactly
enough slabs for a small one.

How do you...
Don't ask me how I know that.

Oh, yeah, and to be clear,
these are from me alone.

Wyatt's on his own on this one.

Oh, retail therapy,
is there nothing you can't fix?

It's some knickers, Germaine,
not universal suffrage.

Right, I'm going to savour
my sore cervix

by cleaning out
the bottom of the wheelie bin.

Ah, but Mom,
you're the birthday girl.

Why don't you do
something nice instead?

Actually, that is a good idea,
Yoko.

I'm gonna put my feet up
and watch a film.

That's the spirit, Mom.

You can do the wheelie bin tomorrow

when you're just
a normal woman again.

Wyatt? Are you playing?

No, thanks.

Take it away, Yoko.

♪ Why do... ♪
Hey, guys! Check it out!

The pants cured
the four-buttocks thing,

but they've given me massive
camel toe! Look!

I'm pretty well hung for a girl.
Check it out!

Britain's got talent, all right.

In my pants! Mom!

Germaine is showing everyone
her camel toe!

Germaine!

Kill 'em all, Russ.

Fuck 'em right up!

Sub by MemoryOnSmells, sync by santibone