Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #4.5 - full transcript

Coffee?

Your calls.

Your advance copy of "Heat".

Hmm. Did Remson see it yet?

Fax just came. He's over the moon.

Brian Kinney is "Back with a Vengeance".

This campaign is going to start a revolution.

The "no more bullshit" era of advertising.

Yeah, next thing you know, there'll be soft drink jingles

about rotting teeth and hyperactive kids.

What the fuck is that?



Oh, just a few thousand forms for you to sign.

Insurance, pension and benefits, S.S.I.

I can think of so many more interesting things to do with my right hand.

I'm sure you can, but in the meantime,

I need to attend to the business of setting up your business.

Oh, uh...

I also wanted to give you this.

Who's it from?

Actually, uh, it's from me.

It's part of the program. It's called making amends.

Huh. How sweet.

A 12-step valentine.

I'm touched, Theodore.

But, um... where's the cheque?



That's about the response I expected.

Leave a message.

The point of having a cell phone is that you leave it on.

Where the fuck are you?

You're a really good shot.

I practiced a lot when I was a kid.

Tin cans in the back yard.

Rabbits.

You had a gun when you were a kid?

I had a six-shooter, partner, before I had a two-wheeler.

Where I grew up, everyone did.

I wasn't even allowed to have a cap pistol.

Try it.

No, thanks.

Come on, don't be a sissy.

You're right-handed, right?

Yeah.

Okay. So hold it with your right hand.

Now, line up your sight with your right eye,

then pull the trigger.

Nervous?

No. It's my gimp hand,

from when I was bashed. It acts up sometimes.

Okay, then try this.

Left hand to your wrist

to steady it.

Arms out straight.

Spread your legs a bit,

for balance.

Now it's got a kick, so don't resist.

Just ride it, like the hottest piece of ass you ever had.

Wow. That was intense.

How the west was won.

But next time, try to hit the target.

Shit. It's harder than I thought.

Tell you my little secret.

See how it has no face?

Well, I give it one.

Someone who deserves a bullet between the eyes.

Like who?

Like Wayne,

captain of the football team.

He and his jock buddies held me down

while he carved "faggot" on my ass with a penknife.

Bang!

Or Mr. Mackley,

who made me show it to the class.

Bang.

Or my father,

who slapped me across the face when I told him what they did.

Bang.

Sounds like you have no shortage of targets.

I bet you've got a few too.

Whoo-hoo! Works every time.

So, who were you thinking of?

"Suck your own dick, motherfucker"?

This is definitely some pretty strong stuff.

Well, that's how Justin wanted it.

He insisted it had to be that way.

Here're your eggs, boys.

Whites only, tomatoes, no bread.

Cheese omelette, sausages, and a side of pancakes.

Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

Upside down, looks like some guy's getting his dick stuffed in his mouth.

Right-side up too.

Well, gratuitous man-sex is one thing.

Personally, I don't mind it.

We know.

But gratuitous violence, that's another story.

Actually, I don't consider it gratuitous.

In fact, I'd argue that disturbing as these images may be,

they are a legitimate expression

of every gay man's outrage at...

at being victimized, and therefore can be justified

as a... a passionate and uncompromising work of art.

Well... maybe so, but he's still got his dick stuffed in his mouth.

Where the fuck have you been?

I was about to issue a missing person's report.

Do you know how much work it takes,

unpacking a new place?

What, you forgot to unpack your phone?

So, when do I get to see it?

Sis, we haven't even gotten the dish towels yet.

But as soon as it's presentable, you'll be the first official guest.

Do you hear that, boys? I am the first official guest.

Did you mean what you said about it being an uncompromising work of art?

Absolutely. Every word.

And, um, I hope you'll be as honest with meabout my book.

Ben...

Hey, it's okay, it's okay. Um...

I only gave it to you a few days ago. I shouldn't have said anything.

No, it's not that. It's...

it's just that I'm not finished reading it.

But as soon as I do...

Even if I agreed to relinquish the case

and let Larry head up the proceedings,

Jeanette and Anna would never agree.

Oh, of course not. They're not just your clients. They're our friends.

And they're depending on me.

They gave me their trust,

I gave them my promise.

There's no reason in the world why I shouldn't be representing them.

You don't have to convince me.

There's a bond, a sisterhood, that some people simply can't understand.

Mainly men.

Men?

Did someone mention men?

One in particular.

My partner, Larry Jacobs.

Oh, those high-powered, aggressive, Jewish lawyer types don't do it for me.

Uh, except for you, of course.

You got everything, sweetie?

Uh, except for you guys.

You're going to be just fine.

I know, I know. I'm a big boy. Some say very big.

So there's no reason for me not to have my own place.

Once you fix it up, you're going to love it.

Oh, it came already furnished, uh, ready to move in.

All I have to do is unpack.

There you go, even better.

Gei gasundtheit, Em.

Close enough. "Go in good health".

Well... this is it.

Say bye-bye to your Auntie Em, sweetie.

Ah-h. Alone at last.

Hey, aren't you forgetting someone?

And someone else on the way?

We're not going to be alone for another 18 years.

You went to a firing range?

Once he got the hang of it, he was awesome.

I thought you hated guns.

You even signed that petition in high school.

I still do.

You wouldn't believe what it felt like.

See that bullet hole right between the eyes?

He was thinking of someone before he fired it,

but he wouldn't tell me who.

Oh. Bet it was Chris Hobbs.

Daphne.

Thought so.

Who's he?

He's this high school jock I jerked off once.

After that, he didn't like me very much.

Oh, I always suspected he was secretly in love with you.

Sounds like some of the assholes I went to school with.

They were probably afraid of being queer.

Yeah, whatever he was...

when he saw me at the prom, dancing with Brian...

which, for the record, was un-fucking real.

...He freaked.

Afterwards, he followed me

to the parking garage with a baseball bat.

He smashed my skull.

I was in a coma, then, um, rehab, for almost six months.

Can you believe that creep practically went free?

Slap on the wrist, a few months' community service at the AIDS hospice.

I can believe it.

Last time I saw him he was there, mopping the floor.

He said I'd end up just like the others.

That I deserved to die.

I hope you fucking beat the shit out of him.

I was too afraid to say anything.

So I just stood there, like a fucking faggot.

Instant apartment.

Just, uh, add trick and stir.

So what do you think?

It's great, Em.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh, careful, Brian, you're dripping.

I don't want any stains on the sofa.

Oh. Not yet, anyway.

Uh, you know, this place is, uh,

vaguely reminiscent of somewhere I've...

my loft.

Did I fuck your decorator?

Brian, I asked you to be careful. Here.

I hope they included some cleaner in the kitchen.

You call this crappy knock-off a Barcelona chair?

It's more like a Tijuana chair.

Whatever.

You want a bite?

You can have some of my sandwich too.

Cut it out.

I told Ben a lie. A big fat lie.

Okay, who'd you fuck?

No one.

Well, then make it quick.

I finished his book three days ago.

But I told him I'm still reading it.

That's it? That's the big fat... no.

A big fat lie is "I won't come in your mouth."

Just don't come on the sofa.

He wants me to be honest,

to tell him what I really think.

And what do you really think?

It was kind of boring.

Kind of like him?

He's your partner, Mikey.

You got to sit him down, take his hand and tell him,

"Honey, it's a steaming piece of horseshit".

Could you say that to Justin?

Yeah.

Fortunately, the lad's a genius.

You are so helpful.

And you're pathetic.

If you can't be honest, then what kind of a relationship do you have?

Just a cheap...

Imitation.

You want some? It's good.

Larry, the court just sent us a...

Oh, uh, come in, Mel.

Hi, guys.

What are you...

uh, do we have a meeting scheduled?

Mel, Jeanette, Anna and I have been discussing the case.

Without me?

Mel, um...

Mel, we all know how conservative this new judge is.

Believe me, it has nothing to do with you.

We love you.

You know that.

It's just that...

we feel that...

I'll spare you the explanation, and the tears.

I understand. Completely.

Mel...

Ben, I finished your book,

and you made some really interesting choices.

Ben, I finished your book,

and even though it's a little long in places,

I'm sure that with some editing, um...

It's a great read,

especially if you're having trouble sleeping.

Ben, I finished your book...

and...

You did?

Ben.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I was on my way to the gym, uh,

so I figured I'd poke my head in and say hello.

So, you finished it?

Yeah.

And I... I just want to say that...

'Scuse me.

Hi, ma.

Sure, ma.

Okay, ma.

Bye, ma. That was ma.

Hmm, got it. So you just want to say...?

Oh... hi. Uh, that'll be $3.50.

Okay. One...

two...

okay. And three...

41, 42, 43, 44, 45... there you go.

Come back any time. We can always use the change.

Yes.

About the book?

All I can say is...

Teddy!

Hey.

Oh, hope I'm not interrupting.

Not at all.

Oh, good. Because, uh...

I've got something for each of you.

No, y-you don't have to read it now. I-it's...

Great.

I'd love to.

Teddy, that is so thoughtful.

And so brave.

And of course we forgive you.

Ah, thank you, guys.

Well, I-I... I've got a few more of those to deliver.

So, I guess I'll, uh, see you guys later?

Great. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Now then.

The book.

Right.

Ben...

I finished your book.

And, uh...

I loved it.

What are you doing?

Lookee what I found.

Sunshine's new play-toy.

You had no business going through my things.

Looking for a light.

That's bullshit.

You were snooping.

Now give it back.

Careful.

Why?

Is it loaded?

No. It's only meant to scare people.

For someone who's never seen a western on principle,

you have an awfully keen interest in firearms.

Where'd you get it?

Cody gave it to me.

How thoughtful.

What's next?

A small nuclear device?

It's necessary that we have them.

After what happened the other night, we could've been killed.

Play with this long enough, and you will be.

Would you just hand it...

you're not... running around the streets with a concealed weapon.

I told you...

"it's necessary". So that you and Cody can be the gay avengers,

heroes of the resistance.

Martyrs to the cause?

We're trying to stop violence before it happens.

By starting it?

You know, you wouldn't think it was so funny

if you were the one who'd been bashed.

Nobody said it's funny.

They hate us.

They want us dead.

Now give me the goddamn gun.

Just what I'm looking for.

What you going to do with all those candles?

Create an intimate environment in which to entertain my, uh, guests.

More like create a fucking fire hazard.

Hey, how about this for Rodney and Vic?

Is there someplace they can put it?

Yeah. I'm not sure it'll fit.

I'm sorry I haven't been more helpful finding them a housewarming gift.

So far, everything I've picked out is for myself.

Oh, honey, you're trying to make your house a home.

Meanwhile, my home's become a house.

Guess you miss him a lot, huh?

Don't you dare ever tell him.

I don't want him to feel bad for leaving.

My lips are sealed. For that, anyway.

It's just been a long time since I've lived alone.

I'd forgotten how lonely it can get...

especially when you're older.

You get used to having people around...

to fight with, and laugh with, and bug the shit out of you.

And nobody bugged the shit out of me like Vic.

Hey, Em, how about this? Look.

You know, that would look perfect in your place,

but I'm not sure Vic would appreciate it.

Dish towels? He said they needed some.

Look at this.

Perfect for a couple of old cocks!

I've tried talking to her, but she wouldn't listen.

Now she refuses to leave the bedroom.

Well, eventually they come out to feed,

but if I were you, I'd lock up the livestock.

Brian!

Why the fuck did you call me?

I have no practical skills whatsoever in talking lesbians out of trees.

But you do have a remarkable ability to put things into perspective,

see them in a purely objective, practical way.

Going to lie there sharpening your claws and feeling sorry for yourself,

or are you going to get your ass out of bed?

Jesus, Brian. You could at least knock.

Huh, if I'd knocked, you'd have told me to fuck off.

Fuck off.

Too late.

Now then.

Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you.

You want to know where he touched me?

Right here, in the gut.

You want to know why?

Because a lesbian couple with a child

just fired their lesbian lawyer with a child

so some straight white male asshole can argue their case.

Makes sense to me.

Why am I not surprised?

The courts have always been partial to the voice of the straight white male asshole.

Yeah, but this was my case.

It's business, Mel.

So suck it up and move on.

Is that objective and practical enough for you?

Can you believe this?

Actually, I agree with him.

As much as I understand why you're upset,

and believe me, I would be too,

I also understand Jeanette and Anna's position.

They have to do whatever they can to get...

No, I-I don't want to hear it.

Mel.

At least she's out of the bedroom.

He almost took it away from me.

Christ.

Well, next time be more careful.

Here. You keep it.

No, it's okay. I...

I've got others.

Others?

Some people collect stamps, others collect injustices.

I collect these.

What are we doing here?

Waiting for someone.

A new posse member?

Not exactly.

Say...

don't you know that guy?

I want you to talk to these guys, and make sure they...

How did you find him?

Looked him up in the phone book.

Now you can tell him what a piece of shit he is.

Hobbs!

Don't!

Do I know you?

No, but I believe you know my friend.

Taylor?

What the fuck are you doing here?

You looking for a job?

Sorry, we don't have any openings.

At least not the kind you like.

Faggots.

So what you reading, pal?

"Catcher in the fuckin' Rye".

Ever hear of it?

A variation thereof.

What do you think?

I think Holden Caulfield's a fag.

Mm-hm. How do you figure that?

"Catcher" is a bottom, right?

I'm going to call the dean of Carnegie-Mellon tomorrow,

see if there's a position in the lit department.

Ready.

Damn! Don't you look hot.

You look hotter.

And where are you two hotties going?

Dining and dancing.

Now I want you in bed by 11:00 o'clock sharp.

And come give me a kiss, but careful, don't muss my hair.

You two are freaks.

Hey-hey, now that we're parents, we're required to make

parent remarks.

So what's the big occasion?

Your golden anniversary?

Huh. I just finished my book.

And the most important critic

gave it a rave review.

I thought you said it was a snooze.

What?

I never said that.

I said I fell asleep.

Well, uh, it was late. I was tired.

Michael, I told you, you could be honest.

I was honest.

Now, come on, let's get out of here.

And you just wait until I get home, young man.

That's another parent remark.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry. I, um...

I must have the wrong place.

Would you happen to know where Vic Grassi lives?

Debbie. Uh, come on in.

Lobster souffle, s'il vous plait...

Sis.

I, uh...

I just...

came by to give this to you. It's a

housewarming present.

But I see that the house is warm already.

Well, as long as you're here, why don't you stay?

Uh, I'd love to but I can't. I have other plans.

No, sis, wait.

This is my sister, Debbie.

Oh, hi. Hi, debbie. Hi.

There's plenty.

I'm sure. There always is.

But I don't attend parties I'm not invited to.

It doesn't matter.

Well, actually it does.

Because you told me you weren't ready to have people over here,

and when you did, I'd be the first.

Uh, th-this dinner is just an impromptu affair.

Oh, I'm sure.

Everybody just happens to have a lobster souffle in the pantry

for when five, or...

make that six,

unexpected guests drop in.

I'll leave you to your friends.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to shoot so far.

You have remarkable aim.

Club soda always does the trick.

Hmm. A trick from a trick.

You leaving already?

Got to get back.

My roommate's waiting.

Oh, you have a roommate, huh?

Every Thursday night,

we make a big bowl of popcorn,

curl up on the sofa and watch "Friends".

Hmm, that's nice.

We share everything:

Clothes,

stories about who we fucked.

So, you live alone?

Yeah, uh, first time.

Never could afford it till now.

It's a great place.

But I think even when I can afford it,

I'll still want to live with someone.

But that's me. Uh...

I like the sound of someone else breathing.

Well, see you.

See you.

Granola?

No, thank you.

Have you eaten anything? Because I could fix you a...

I said no thank you.

Well, as long as you're back, safe and sound, I guess I'll go to bed.

Yeah... I can understand Brian

siding with Larry and Jeanette and Anna.

I mean, it's no surprise.

But you.

I'm entitled to express my opinion.

No, you betrayed me.

Do you really think I would ever betray you?

Where are the Oreos?

- We're all out. - Fuck!

I was simply trying to say that I understand

jeanette and anna's position.

But as usual, you have to make it about you.

"As usual"?

If this were about gus, you know goddamn well

we would do whatever it takes to get him back,

even if it meant firing a friend and hiring a straight man.

Not just a friend,

a lesbian mother defending another lesbian mother.

This isn't about that.

It's about Jeanette's son.

Like Brian said, it may not be right and it may not be fair, but it's how it is.

I'm such a fucking coward.

You should never have gone to see Chris Hobbs in the first place.

Why are you digging up this shit all over again?

Because it was never finished.

It's still not.

You've got to go back there,

face him.

No fucking way!

It's the only way.

We can pay him a little visit tomorrow night.

After work.

Hey! What are you doing?

Thinking.

In Babylon? That's a first.

"Is it better to

suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or...

take arms and by opposing end them?"

Huh?

Shakespeare.

An eye for an eye, or turn the other cheek?

Fight fire with fire, or...

do unto others as you would have them...

you know the rest.

So...

which is it?

Depends on the circumstances.

You're saying there's no such thing as absolute right or wrong?

That morality is merely a matter of circumstance?

What the fuck are we talking about?

Say somebody bashes you,

nearly kills you.

Does that give you the right to go out and do the same?

Of course not.

Why?

'Cause two wrongs don't make a right.

Besides, there are laws.

But what if the law failed to protect you?

What if the law doesn't give a shit? Then what?

Then I guess you'd have to take the law into your own hands.

No, no, no. Violence is never a moral option.

But doing nothing,

letting someone bash your brains in; it is.

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all.

Come on, babe. Let's dance.

So just for my own curiosity,

you thought my book was slow?

Dull? Boring?

What? I never said that.

Just for my own curiosity.

Certain parts...

felt a little long. That's all.

Which parts?

I can't remember.

Oh-ho-ho, try.

It was just an overall feeling.

Overall plot?

Characters? Theme? What?

I don't know.

I guess sometimes I didn't know where the story was going.

Uh-huh.

And I wasn't quite sure what the main character wanted.

Uh-huh.

Or how it was, uh, all supposed to add up.

Maybe this isn't the time or place to talk about it.

You're the one who brought it up.

In fact, I never should have asked you to read it in the first place.

Why do you say that?

Let's face it. You don't exactly have a literary background.

Excuse me if I didn't go to Harvard or Yale.

It's not your fault that you're more

Justice League than ivy league.

Are you going in to work today?

What for? Mail come?

I haven't checked yet.

Oh. Uh, hi. I was just about to put this under your door.

Come on.

At least when Wertshafter fired me, I had the comfort of knowing that he was

a bigoted straight man with an enlarged prostate.

But in your case, ah...

to be dumped by two fellow lesbians.

The sense of betrayal must be crushing,

staggering, all-consuming.

Thanks. I feel so much better now.

Oh, here.

I wanted to give you this.

It's for you and Linz.

I'm making my amends.

I've written them to everyone.

Everyone, that is, except Emmett. I just...

don't know what to say,

except that I wish I could change everything.

I'll give this to Linz.

I know she'll be as proud of you as I am.

Thanks, Mel.

You know what's funny?

When I was growing up,

my father had the "serenity prayer" taped to the refrigerator.

He wasn't in A.A.; Never touched a drop.

He just liked it.

I saw it 10 times a day.

Knew it by heart, of course.

Never meant anything.

Now, huh, it's been my salvation.

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change...

the courage to change the things I can...

and the wisdom to know the difference."

Excuse me a second.

The new layouts for Parcheesy Pizza are on your desk,

and Leo Brown is expecting your call.

Oh, and there's a young woman,

says she knows you, needs to talk to you right away.

Why, Daphne, what an unexpected surprise.

You look particularly enchanting today.

Mind if you hit on me later?

I have to talk to you.

But I thought you should know.

Thanks, for the heads-up.

But there's not much I can do.

Can't you talk to him?

Been there, tried that.

Hasn't done much good.

What if he gets into a fight?

What if he gets hurt?

Then at least he'll know he stood up,

and fought back; that he didn't run away.

I want to go over a few of the points I'll be making in my, uh,

opening argument. Now...

Excuse me, Larry.

I don't mean to interrupt.

Jeanette, Anna,

I just stopped in to say that...

I understand your decision,

that I don't take it personally,

and that I'm willing to offer my assistance and support.

Considering the importance of this case,

it would be remiss of me not to.

Uh, Mel?

We could use your assistance and support.

Spend less time getting there and more time being there.

The islands of the Bahamas...

Hey, Deb.

Em, honey.

I hope you don't mind my dropping by.

I saw your light was on.

Oh, no. I'm glad you did. Come on in.

Well, just for a minute.

Hi.

So, uh, how'd Vic like his housewarming gift?

Well, let's just say he wasn't expecting it.

You want some ice cream?

My god, it's like a soda fountain in here.

All that's missing is the whipped cream.

Oh, wait.

So what are you doing wandering around,

instead of spending a nice quiet evening at home fucking your brains out?

There's only so much fucking your brains out one can do.

You have a temperature, honey?

You know, it's just nice to have someone to talk to, that's all.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

In fact, walking over here, I was thinking, uh,

about when Michael and I shared the apartment.

You know what the best times were?

Uh, just sitting on the sofa after

one of us had given some trick the boot,

eating chips or ice cream, gabbing till all hours.

Sometimes we'd fall asleep with our heads in each other's laps.

Well, what good's an ice cream sundae without two spoons?

Hmmm. Uh, what kind is that?

Mint chocolate chip.

Don't mind if I do.

What you watching?

Hmm. "The Bad and the Beautiful" is about to start.

Oh my god.

That's my all-time fave.

Wow!

All right.

So, how was your last trick?

Mmm, big dick. Teeny brain.

The best kind.

...In pittsburgh is pleased to present "the Bad and the Beautiful"

starring Lana Turner and Kirk Douglas.

I picked up some chicken.

Extra veggies, no potatoes. You hungry?

Maybe later.

You working on your book?

Re-reading the boring parts.

I thought this was boring too,

and it's supposed to be a classic.

Let's face it. If I knew the difference between a great book and a lousy one, I...

I would've gone to Harvard or Yale,

instead of going to community college for a couple of months.

I heard from my publisher.

You did?

They had a few comments of their own.

See, that's what you need:

A professional opinion from people who know what they're talking about.

They felt the main character's motivation was...

unclear...

that the story was overly complex and convoluted;

and that thematically, it lacked force and focus.

So, in other words...

exactly what you said.

So they passed.

I'm sorry, Ben.

For what? Being honest?

Christ. Taylor?

What are you doing here?

Stalking me?

Fucking creeps. Get outta here or I'll call the police.

Not until he gets what he came for.

What's that?

You want to suck my cock?

I want you to apologize.

For what?

For bashing me.

For causing me brain damage and permanent injury.

For giving me nightmares every night for two years.

For filling me with fear every time I walk out the door.

For treating me like a subhuman who doesn't deserve to live.

That's what you are, Taylor.

Now if you don't mind, I'd like to kick back, and have a beer.

Tell him you're sorry.

Get out of my way, faggots.

Don't fuck with me!

Come on, man. Just take it easy.

Get on your knees.

What the fuck are you...

Do what he says!

I said get on your knees!

Okay, okay.

There.

You scared me, see?

Now put the gun away.

First say, "I'm sorry."

Say it.

I'm sorry.

"For bashing you."

For bashing you.

"For causing you brain damage and permanent injury."

For causing you brain damage and permanent injury.

Now suck on this.

Hot. That's it. Fuck, yeah.

Go on.

Suck it.

Please.

Suck it!

This is beautiful, man.

This is what you've been wanting to do, all this time.

Now you know what it feels like,

the fear that all faggots feel

all their lives.

Walking down the street, holding hands...

because of assholes like you!

And you know what?

We're tired of it.

Do it.

Do it.

What the fuck are you doing? You can't stop now.

Get up.

Get up.

Go inside.

You can't let him go.

And I wouldn't call the police.

You don't want to have to tell them a couple faggots made you shit your pants.

You coward.

You fucking coward! You let him get away.

You had him!

You could've had him, but you were too chickenshit.

You're like all the other faggots.

You're too afraid.

You're all cowards and they know it.

You could've ended it!

Faggot!

You are no different than the rest of them.

You deserve what you get.

And you wanna know why?

Because you're all fucking pussies, that's why.

Until we show those hetero assholes that we have balls,

and we can pull the trigger,

beat the shit out of them the way that they do us,

they'll always think we're fucking pussies...