Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript

One, two, three, four, five, six,

shake it, dude.

Cue the pulse to begin

Cue the pulse to begin

Cue the pulse to begin

Cue the pulse to begin

You obsess about it, you fantasize about it,

but then when you finally hear the news...

Take a deep breath.

All you can think about is, "why me?"

I mean, how could this happen? How...



how could I...

be negative?

Luck of the Irish?

Except I'm not Irish.

Bobby, it's going to be okay.

What's next?

Ah. A job, I guess.

I became quite adept at cleaning

toilets back at rehab.

Polished that porcelain so bright

you could see your face before you puked.

Let me ask you.

If you could do anything in the world...

what would it be?



Well...

Aw. You'll laugh.

Come on. Try me.

I always wanted to sing opera.

Back in college, I even took some lessons.

Instructor said I wasn't half bad.

Of course, I was paying him.

So sing.

What, are you kidding?

I mean, that was... that was just a dream.

What I need is something practical.

No, what you need is something you love.

Something that'll make you feel good.

So I've been going to the gym religiously.

Is that why you were kneeling in the steam room?

I've got to get back in shape.

You look fine, Em.

"Fine"?

Just "fine"?

"Fine" is fine for you two. You each have a husband.

Wife? Partner?

Passing acquaintance?

Anyway, for those of us adrift on the sea of

single-dom, it's "sparkle, neely, sparkle!"

Shit.

Shit.

Come to think of it, I, uh...

may do a little speed-walking.

Burn off a couple of pounds.

Ted!

Michael.

Brian. You remember Blake.

Nice to see you guys.

So, uh, how are you, uh...

Doing? Great.

Great.

Well, uh, we should get together sometime.

What do you say?

Yeah, sure, sometime.

Well, gotta go.

Get going, yeah.

Think he was acting kind of strange?

For Theodore? No.

Maybe he feels like we're judging him.

I don't know about you, but I am.

So, if we're going to have a recognizable force,

we need to have a uniform appearance.

Wouldn't our presence on the street be

more effective if we were less noticeable?

Well, what's the point of doing it

if we don't get some attention?

We need to look the part

so they know not to fuck with us.

Hey, Daphne.

This is my roommate, Daphne.

Daph, this is the group that I was telling you about,

the pink posse.

Ah, right. For a minute there,

I thought you were enrolled in beauty school.

Daphne and I started the gay-straight

alliance at our high school.

I was the straight half.

Can I join?

It's only for queers.

I thought keeping the streets safe

was everyone's concern.

Well, huh.

I guess I'll...

grab a straight soda, and...

head to my straight room

and study my straight studies.

She's my best friend.

Why couldn't she be a part of this?

Because this is about queers defending themselves.

Queers standing up to their attackers.

Queers fighting back.

Right on!

Let in heteros, it dissipates the purpose.

Exactly.

Now, we'll be patrolling in teams of two.

It's you and me, dude.

Dynamic duo.

We'll work together.

Okay, who's next?

I am.

Ted's one of my best friends but...

it's like I hardly knew him at all.

He... he was so distant.

Oh, he's been that way to all of us.

Here you go, sweetie.

Thanks.

I meant Gus.

But you can have one too.

Of course, I haven't exactly been there for him either.

Hey, don't start blaming yourself.

Ted's responsible for his own behaviour.

He knows that.

Still, he needs to know that we're there for him.

Hell, we're making him cookies, aren't we?

Hi, baby.

Ix-nay on the Ed-tay.

This is a nice surprise.

What brings you to these parts?

Just checking up on Mel.

Hmm, seems like there's more than a bun in the oven.

You realize, of course, I'm going to

have to chain myself to the treadmill

for a week after that.

Make that two weeks.

Actually, Em...

we're making them for...

for Ted.

That's very thoughtful.

I'm sure he'll appreciate knowing he has such good friends as you.

This one has plenty of square footage,

offices with excellent views,

generous support areas including a conference room,

uh, kitchen, uh, executive washroom,

and plenty of underground parking.

Sounds like everything I need,

but it's not what I want.

But it's as nice as Vangard.

Kinnetik is not Vangard.

We don't think in a box. We don't live in a box.

Therefore, we don't work in a box.

Even if that box were the Seagram's building, I don't want it.

Hey.

Christ!

What did you do to your hair?

It's called a haircut, mother.

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm just surprised, that's all.

It used to be... so beautiful.

Yeah well, maybe that was the problem.

Anyway, we all got them.

Who's "we"?

The pink posse.

We're protecting Liberty Avenue from homophobes.

In case you weren't aware, there was a bashing.

I'm perfectly aware.

I'm also aware that you were bashed.

All the more reason.

To put yourself at risk?

Haven't you been through enough?

Don't fucking tell me what to do.

Hey, hey, take it easy, Timberlake.

Brian, will you please talk some sense into him?

Now, now, Mother Taylor,

Justin's a big boy.

He should be allowed to make his own mistakes.

I'll be in touch.

Your haircut's hot.

That was very nice. Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Next!

Thanks. Sorry.

You are Ted Schmidt?

Ah, yes, sir. Ted Schmidt. That's me.

Care to tell me a little something about yourself, Ted?

Ah, okay, ah, well, ah...

born and raised right here in Pittsburgh,

uh, went to North Allegheny High,

uh, then to Wharton where I was in the top 10...

I meant your singing experience.

Oh. Uh, well... You know, I, uh,

I mean, I've had, you know, a few voice lessons,

and did some college and amateur productions,

"Pinafore", "Penzance", things like that.

I see.

But I love opera.

It's always been my dream to...

So what are you going to sing for us today?

Well, I thought I'd do, uh,

"Che Gelida Manina" from "Boheme".

Perhaps if you gave Oscar your music,

he might play it while you sing.

Oh.

Of course.

I'm sorry. Uh, yes. Uh, here you go, Oscar.

From the top, I guess.

Are you sure she's asleep?

She's sawing enough wood down there

to keep us warm all winter.

Speaking of which, my feet are freezing.

Warm them up, would you?

You warm mine.

Honey?

I thought we were gonna watch

"By Love Possessed" on AMC.

Well, I thought you were asleep.

I was just taking a catnap so I could stay up. Huh!

You know, when I was younger, and a blonde,

everybody said I reminded them of Lana Turner.

It was Shelly Winters.

It was Lana fucking Turner.

She and I both had that perfect chin.

And the tits.

I've still got 'em.

Anyway, I thought I'd, uh, heat up some those...

those turnovers, you know, from the freezer.

So what'll it be, apricot or cherry?

Apricot.

Rodney?

Cherry.

I'll drizzle extra icing on 'em.

Well, you coming?

You know, actually, Debbie...

Could you give us a minute, sis?

Sure, honey. Take your time.

Say, you weren't gonna fuck or anything, were you?

Something tells me the temperature tonight

is going to hit record lows.

What makes you say that?

'Cause I'm already feeling a chill,

and it's coming from your side of the bed.

She never leaves us alone.

I thought that when we got together,

we were going to be a couple, not a threesome.

What can I do? It's her house.

It's your room.

Well, it's not much better at your place,

with your three roommates running around.

So I guess we can never be alone.

We're alone now.

Vic! Rodney! It's on!

Teddy.

Michael.

I come bearing cookies.

Actually, they're from Mel and Linz, chocolate chippers, but...

Gus and I were the official taste testers.

That's nice.

Um, what do you say we crack open the tin

and eat 'em all in one sitting?

Well, as much as I'd like to O.D. on chocolate...

For a change.

I mean...

I'm just on my way out to a meeting.

Oh, new job?

Not that kind of meeting.

It's my 12-step.

Oh. Well, um,

how about dinner? You can meet Hunter.

All right, yeah, Mel and Linz told me...

Yeah. He's a great kid

when he's not being a royal pain in the ass. But, uh,

he's funny. I think you'll like him.

I'm sure.

So, say around 7:00, our place?

Uh, well, I've got my group at rehab tonight.

Well, what about tomorrow? Or the next day?

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, between-meal snacks,

whatever you say.

I'm kind of busy

these days, what with, you know,

my meetings, and looking for work, and my therapy.

Ted, I just want you to know that I'm your friend.

And I was your friend before this happened,

and I'm your friend now.

And, uh, I'll be here for you if you ever need anything.

No matter what.

Is that what the well-dressed vigilante will be wearing this season?

Cody says it's important we be recognizable.

Hmm, well, you'll be recognizable, all right.

So, uh, what weapon are you packing?

The howitzer or bazooka?

Pepper spray.

Whoo. Armed and ready for action.

This Cody's thought of everything.

I remember when my mother used to refer to you as "This Brian".

Well, your mom's no fool.

She knew her little angel was getting

himself into a peck of trouble.

She's not wrong this time.

You should really go back to school.

Fuck school.

They kicked me out for doing what was right.

I don't need them or their diploma.

They can eat shit.

Still angry?

I'm not angry, I'm committed.

What, to saving the world?

You saved the world from an evil politician.

I didn't do it for the world.

Stockwell closed down the back room,

forced us to fuck like boring breeders. So...

don't start mistaking me for Eleanor Roosevelt.

I just did what I had to do, for me.

And I'm doing what I have to do, for me.

What are you doing reading comic books?

Duh! I'm in a fucking comic book store.

Well, you should be doing your homework.

And watch your mouth.

Holy shit.

What? What's the matter?

Did you hear me?

I sounded just like my mother.

Here. Read as many as you like.

Hey, Uncle Vic.

Hi, Michael.

Hey, how's it going, Hunter?

As an older gay man in this world,

you might as well be invisible.

He's just doing his homework.

I don't fucking get algebra.

Here, let's see.

Make "x" equal to "y", then square it,

and you've got your solution.

Ah, I get it.

Awesome!

I was always good at numbers.

Especially cute ones.

You can always count on Uncle Vic to solve a problem.

Except my own.

Do you think Rage could help me?

There's somebody you want brought back to life with a blow-job?

Me. But every time Rodney and I try to...

Fuck?

Thank you. Your mother...

Oh, say no more.

She won't leave us alone.

We'd like it to be the two of us,

but instead, it's always the three of us.

Easy solution, dude.

Subtract one from three and you've got your problem solved.

Smart ass.

Well, oddly enough, that was Rodney's solution too.

But Debbie and I've lived together for so long, hell,

we'd be an old married couple if we weren't brother and sister.

Besides, it would break her heart if I moved out.

And after all she's done for me.

I probably wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for her.

She helped you get your life back

so that you could have a life.

You're entitled to that, Uncle Vic.

I'm sure she would be the first to say so.

Surprisingly moist...

for lesbian-baked goods.

You know you're lucky to have such...

good friends.

Yeah.

Well,

I guess I'd better figure out how I'm going to support myself,

considering I'm down to my last crumb.

What?

Can you believe I actually thought

I could get a job singing?

Those people at the audition

must've had a good laugh after I left.

As if anyone would hire me.

I remember hearing you in the shower.

You sounded pretty good.

Everyone sounds good in the shower.

It's time I put all those romantic notions behind me

and get real.

Aren't you going to answer that?

No. It's probably just Michael wanting to do something.

Remember we talked about avoidance in group?

Hello?

Yes?

What?

Are you sure? I-I mean... yes!

That's great!

Thank you.

Michael must want to do something great.

He wants me to sing.

Not Michael, I mean...

I got the job.

Oh my god.

That's...

unbelievable? Insane? A mistake?

It's wonderful!

Save any lives last night?

Oh, we helped some fucked-up club kids

get back to their apartment,

an old queen change a flat.

Other than that, it's pretty quiet.

Yeah well, that's the thing about being a superhero.

The average person thinks it's all about

stopping two planets from colliding or...

saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole.

But most days, it's just your average

run-of-the-mill good deeds.

This is where I get off.

It's a little early in the day, isn't it?

No.

This more what you're looking for?

I've always dreamed

of having an office with a drain in the floor.

I thought you might like it.

Come on. I'll show you around.

I miss the old orgy room.

You could make it a conference room.

It's perfect...

for screwing the competition.

Bravo!

Thank you. Thank you.

Something in your spaghetti?

Do you know who the singing waiter is? It's...

Schmidt!

Yes, Mr. Parducci?

Table three needs more breadsticks.

Right away, sir.

Oh and, Schmidt,

that was a very nice "Pagliacci".

Oh, thank you, Mr. Parducci.

I thought it would go well with scampi and a valpolicella.

Excellent choice.

Ted, a singing waiter?

He's serving up arias and arrabbiata at Rigoletto's.

I always heard that place is a blast.

Oh, honey, it's like a goddamn ride at Disneyland.

They got fake grapes,

fake Italian waiters,

fake sunsets painted on the walls.

No fuckin' class at all.

Huh. Then what were Vic and Rodney doing there?

Vic and Rodney?

At Rigoletto's?

Last night. That's how we heard about Ted.

We were supposed to go to the Grand Pricks last night.

It's that big-dick contest at babylon, not the car race.

We know, ma.

But Vic said that...

that... Rodney wasn't feeling well.

Hi, boys.

Hey, Em.

You know, we should all go there for dinner.

You sure he'd like that?

Why not?

Go where?

Rigoletto's.

That cheesy joint with the singing waiters?

Why would we want to go there?

Ted's one of the singing waiters.

Really?

So you just, uh, figured we'd all go and root him on?

Huh. Well, be sure and shout "bravo" for me.

Em, would you slow down?

What are you getting so upset for?

I'm just trying to show Ted a little support.

Well, I'm getting a little tired of your little support.

Cookies are one thing.

Now you're his cheering section?

He's my friend.

In case you've forgotten, so am I.

I know that.

Then you might try considering how I feel.

What does my friendship with him have to do with you?

How can you even say that to me

after what he put me through?

That's between the two of you.

Besides, I can't very well turn my back on him.

Why not? He turned his back on you.

Well, that doesn't mean I should do the same.

It wouldn't be fair.

"Fair"?

What about being fair to me?

Why should I be fair to him or anyone else?

Vic!

Get your ass down here. We're gonna miss the movie.

Why didn't you bring a sweater? You know it's chilly.

Now go back upstairs, get your sweater.

Did you remember your wallet? Last time you forgot it.

Sis, do you mind if we skip the movie?

What's the matter? Aren't you feeling well?

I'm fine.

I just thought since it's

Rodney's night to volunteer at the hospice,

you and I could spend the evening at home.

Just the two of us.

Just the two of us?

We haven't done that in a long time.

Wanna play cards?

I'll make us some caramel corn.

Maybe later. Sis...

Baby, what is it?

You know I love you.

More than anyone else in the world.

Except Rodney. But I understand that.

Then I hope you'll understand that...

we've talked things over and...

we've decided to get our own place.

It's time, sis.

You're damn fuckin' right it's time.

Hell, I've been waiting for this for god knows how long.

Not that I don't love having you here.

And not that I'm not crazy about Rodney.

But I never have any privacy.

I have to close the door every time I want to go potty

and I can't run down here to the refrigerator in my panties.

You do anyway. We've seen you.

Well, now I can do it with nobody watching.

So when are you going?

Well, since it's making you so happy, I could go right now.

No! No.

Not till we play cards.

Oh, get off me now.

Say "auntie"!

Auntie, auntie...

I could always pin you down.

You're the top in this family.

You bet.

You get the cards.

I'll make the caramel corn.

And, honey?

Don't you dare worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

Mmm! This chianti tastes like piss.

This pasta's so limp, it needs Viagra sauce.

It doesn't matter if the food's good or not.

We're here to support Ted.

So where is Teddy?

Are you sure he's working tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen,

signore and signori,

we hope you are having a memorable dining experience.

I'm sure I'll remember the indigestion.

And, to add to your enjoyment...

Signore Schmidt!

Thanks

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I-I can't.

Teddy, what's wrong?

Why are you here?

To cheer you on.

Did it ever occur to you,

to any of you,

that if I wanted you here, I would have asked you?

And if you were really my friends, you would leave me alone.

Waiter, can I get some more breadsticks?

Right away, ma'am.

Hey, faggot!

Wanna suck my cock?

Assholes.

Come on.

Motherfuckers!

Who do you think you are, calling people faggot?

Get out of the car!

Get out of the fucking car.

Hey! What are you doing?

Look what you did to my fucking car, you asshole.

How would you like me to do the same thing to you?

You and who else, faggot?

The other faggot.

Apologize. You too.

Hey, fuck you, you little cocksucker.

Now you can get your cock sucked.

And you can do it for him.

Ah, you're just in time.

I was about to go out to Babylon.

These fucking straight assholes;

we turned them into pussies.

You should've seen us there.

Good boy!

Feel those pecs.

Anytime you want, big guy.

Excuse me, but would you mind spotting me?

Uh, actually, we were just about to hit the showers.

I'm Blake.

Ben.

Oh, you're, uh, Ted's...

Michael's told me...

The whole story?

Come on. We need to get home.

Uh, look.

Uh, I know you don't really want to hear anything I have to say,

but what happened last night between you and Ted, uh...

You've got to give him some time.

Thanks for the advice. Now, if you don't mind...

He's trying to put his life back together.

And there's a lot of things that he's ashamed of.

And when he sees you, he's reminded of them.

You're a reflection of those things that he wants to forget.

I-It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.

We care about him too.

Yeah, we just want him to know it.

He does know it, deep down.

Eventually, he'll come around.

But it has to be on his own terms.

I'll spot you, if you like.

- Thanks. - Sure.

Guess this is everything.

You ready?

Vic!

I'm down here, sis.

I'll be there in a minute.

Take your time. I'm going to put this in the car.

Aren't you going to take the twins?

I thought I'd leave them for you.

But I bought them for you, remember?

Of course I remember.

You were so sick you couldn't get out of bed.

So I put one on either side, to watch over you.

And they did.

Tell you what.

I'll take her, you keep him.

That way, we have each other.

Deal.

So, you got everything?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Don't forget.

There's a baked ziti, lasagne, a couple of chickens, a pound cake.

Jesus, it's enough for an army.

Well, you can't go to a new place without food in your fridge.

Hey, it's not like you're never coming back.

I just always thought that the only way I'd leave here would be...

in a box.

Well, thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that never happened.

Now you're walking out the front door

with your boyfriend, and you're starting a whole new life.

Hmm. What about you?

Well, in case you haven't noticed,

I'm all set up for my Rosalind Russell film festival.

And I've got enough ice cream in the freezer

to give every man, woman and child in Pittsburgh a heart attack.

So, as soon as you leave, then my new life begins.

I'm throwing off all my clothes,

I'm gonna dive onto the couch,

and I'm never looking back.

And neither should you.

Ready?

Yeah.

No fuckin' goodbyes.

Besides, we all know I'm gonna be over there

bugging the shit out of you in about an hour.

I love you.

Bye.

Coming to Babylon?

Got other plans.

On Friday night in this nowhere burg, that would either be...

counting your socks or going to synagogue.

I've got patrol duty.

As long as you're working the streets,

you should try making a few bucks.

Where'd you get that?

Oh. One of these jerk-offs from the other day punched me.

It's nothing.

This time.

I can fucking take care of myself.

Well, how about, um,

taking the night off?

Even Rage and God get a day of rest.

I told you, I have things to do.

More like, going out looking for trouble.

I'm not looking for anything.

It comes looking for us.

Motherfucking asshole straight guys

think they can drive down the street,

yell "faggot!" out of their car window,

and we're just going to stand there and take it

like a bunch of scared sissies.

As far as I'm concerned, they can fucking die.

I'm glad to hear you're not angry.

We're protecting innocent people,

standing up for ourselves.

What's wrong with that?

The professor joining us?

Uh, he's working on his new book.

He's almost done. I can't wait to read it.

I think I'll wait for the movie.

Is Justin coming?

Maybe.

I heard the pink posse came to the rescue last night.

Hey, Em!

Hello, Michael.

How's it going?

Just fine.

You want to get a drink?

No, thanks.

Ramon and I are busy.

Okay. Well, maybe later.

Later, Ramon and I will be even busier.

But, hey; why don't you call Ted?

I'm sure he'd love to get a drink with you.

Why don't you get us a couple beers?

Oh. Do you mind if I cut in?

I'm dancing with someone.

Not any more.

How dare you?

Where the fuck do you get off?

Save your diva routine for your world tour.

Why'd you treat Michael like that?

Like what?

Like he's an insignificant piece of shit.

What the fuck business is it of yours?

Anybody who hurts Michael is the fuck my business.

Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too.

By being friends with Theodore?

You are the one who told me to forget him,

that... that he's dead.

Right here on this very dance floor.

Well, guess what?

Like Jesus and Liza and Judy, he's making a comeback.

And now everybody wants to give him a standing ovation,

just like nothing ever happened.

Listen to me, Honeycutt.

Are you listening?

Yes, I'm listening.

And don't call me Honeycutt.

Michael is your friend, just the same as he's Ted's.

But if you force him to choose between you,

you're going to lose him.

Oh and, uh, by the way,

I fucked Ramon.

His dick's the size of a Ticonderoga #3

after it's been sharpened. Sorry.

There's not much happening tonight.

You can't expect to kick ass every time.

But last night...

last night was the first time I was in a fight and won.

For once, the fucking bullies ran away.

Nothing like feeling a little power.

But it might make things harder.

Once they hear we're not afraid to fight back,

they might not be so quick to come looking for us.

So we'll just have to go looking for them.

But I thought our job was to protect people here on the street.

Sure. But why hang around Liberty Avenue

waiting for something to happen,

when there's a whole straight world out there?

Let them see us and fear us in Jesus' name!

W... what the fuck is that?

Southern baptist bullshit.

Every Wednesday and Sunday night,

I'd be sitting there, listening to the preacher

telling us how all homosexuals were going to burn in hell.

And I'd be shitting in my pants, thinking,

"What if the congregation found out?"

I'd be kicked out.

My parents would hate me, they'd never speak to me again.

Is that what happened?

Not before I fucked Hector Ramirez up the ass.

So...

what do you say we go flush us out some homophobes.

I'll have what my friend is having.

Sure.

So I've been thinking about going blonde.

The sort of silvery-platinum shade madonna was

pre-"Blonde Ambition" post-"Dick Tracy".

I think that's the worst fucking idea I've ever heard.

I knew you would.

When my dad used to take me bird hunting,

the first thing we'd do to flush them out was beat the bushes.

How do we do that?

Like this.

What...

Come on.

Christ!

Excuse me?

Huh?

I thought you said something about my friend and me.

Yeah, get a room.

Do you have a problem, sir, with our kissing?

No, you do.

You're in the wrong part of town.

So why don't you go back to where you belong?

Last I heard, we were still living in a democracy.

When did they pass out the pink triangles?

Fuck off.

You got a problem, asshole?

I asked if you had a problem.

Yeah. You fucking fags should all get AIDS and die!

Someone else once said that to me.

Moo!