Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode #3.9 - full transcript

ONE TWO, THREE, FOUR,

ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

SHAKE IT, DUDE.

[ *** ]

[ Singing in
foreign language ]

[ *** ]

AM I SEEING
WHAT I THINK
I'M SEEING?

YES, YOU ARE
SEEING IT.

IT'S THE MOST
HISTORIC REUNI-
FICATION SINCE
GERMANY.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE FIDDLER?

HE FELL OFF
THE ROOF.



[ Chuckling ]

[ *** ]

HEY, COME ON NOW.
WHY DON'T WE GO
SHAKE A TAIL FEATHER

ON THE DANCE FLOOR?

MMM, MY
BACK'S STILL
ACTING UP.

BUT YOU GO AHEAD.
ENJOY YOURSELF.

MIND IF I BORROW
YOUR HUSBAND?

JUST BE SURE TO
KEEP YOUR HANDS
ABOVE HIS WAIST
AT ALL TIMES.

YOU TAKE THE FUN
OUT OF EVERYTHING.

TWO SONGS, THEN
COME RESCUE ME.

[ *** ]

ANOTHER OF
MY USUAL.
COMING UP.

[ Sigh ]

VODKA...



AND VICACET.

THOSE THINGS
ARE STRONG.
BETTER GO EASY.

WELL, NOT LIKE
I HAVE TO GET
UP FOR WORK IN
THE MORNING.

HECK, IT'S NOT
LIKE I HAVE TO GET
UP FOR ANYTHING.

[ *** ]

HEY, MAYBE WE
SHOULD GO BACK
TO YOUR PLACE.

EVERYONE'S SAYING
THERE'RE UNDERCOVER
COPS EVERYWHERE.

OH, FUCK. THAT'S
WHAT MAKES IT HOT.

[ Moaning ]

[ *** ]

Jim:
I'LL ALWAYS CHER-
ISH THE TIMES I
SPENT WITH MY DAD,

BUILDING MODEL PLANES,
HEARING HIS STORIES,

HIS WORDS OF ADVICE.

ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT LESSONS I
EVER LEARNED IS...

"IF YOU SAY IT, MEAN IT".

RIGHT, BOYS?

Both:
RIGHT, DAD.

WHEN I SAY I'M GOING TO
MAKE PITTSBURGH FAMILY-
FRIENDLY ONCE MORE,

YOU CAN BE
SURE I MEAN IT.

Man:
AND CUT!

YOU GOOD?
YEAH.

THAT WAS
GREAT, JIM.

YOU TOO, GUYS.

BOYS, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE
FOR BASKETBALL.

Boys:
BYE, DAD.

HEY, WIN
THAT GAME!

HOW'D HE DO?

HOPE I WASN'T
TOO STIFF.

OH, YOU DON'T
HAVE A STIFF BONE
IN YOUR BODY.

I GOT ONE.

MY BACK'S
KILLING ME.

WHAT? OLD
SPORTS INJURY?
HOW'D YOU GUESS?

Woman:
HONEY, WHY DON'T
YOU GO SOAK IN
THE HOT TUB?

GOOD IDEA.

HEY, YOU WANT
TO JOIN ME?

UM...

DON'T USUALLY
TRAVEL WITH
A SWIMSUIT.

WE'RE JUST A
COUPLE OF GUYS.

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

COME ON.

Michael:
THERE'RE A LOT OF PERKS
TO BEING A MEMBER OF
THE Q-MART FAMILY.

THERE'S THE
EMPLOYEE PENSION.

OF COURSE, YOU
HAVE TO WORK
HERE 50 YEARS
TO GET THAT.

[ Chuckling ]
THEN THERE'S
THE EMPLOYEE
DISCOUNT.

OH, WELL, IT'S
A RELIEF TO KNOW

I'LL NEVER
HAVE TO PAY FULL
PRICE FOR TOILET
PAPER AGAIN.

IT'S JUST...
DON'T EXPECT
TOO MUCH, OKAY?

THIS ISN'T
EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE USED TO.

THERE'S NO SHAME
IN EARNING AN
HONEST DAY'S PAY

FOR AN HONEST
DAY'S WORK.

AND THE FACT
THAT YOU'D GO
OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO HELP ME

IS ALL THAT
MATTERS.

TRACE!

Tracy:
MIKE!

LOOK AT YOU!

MANAGER!

CAN YOU
BELIEVE IT?

NOBODY DESERVES
IT MORE.

AWW.
TRACY, THIS
IS TED.

HI. TED SCHMIDT. NICE
TO MEET YOU, TRACY.

YOU TOO, TED.

MIKE SAYS YOU'RE
A GREAT GUY.

OH, WELL,
YOU KNOW MIKE.

ALL HEART,
NO TASTE...

BUT THANKS FOR
CONSIDERING ME
FOR THE JOB.

IT'S FOR ASSISTANT
BOOKKEEPER.

FROM THE RESUME
YOU SENT ME, YOU
SEEM A LITTLE
OVERQUALIFIED.

OH, IT DOESN'T
MATTER. AS I
WAS JUST SAYING
TO MICHAEL,

THERE'S NO SHAME
IN EARNING AN
HONEST DAY'S PAY

FOR AN HONEST
DAY'S WORK.

WELL, THAT'S A
GREAT ATTITUDE.

SO WHY DON'T
WE GO UP TO
MY OFFICE,

OR SHOULD I
SAY CUBICLE?
YEAH.

AND WE'LL
DISCUSS WHAT
THE POSITION
ENTAILS.

SOUNDS
GOOD TO ME.
OKAY.

TAGGART CASE,
PROBABLY BE
GOING TO TRIAL

JUST AS I GO
INTO LABOUR.

I'LL TAKE OVER.
ONE LESS THING

YOU'LL BE
SCREAMING ABOUT
WHILE YOU'RE
GIVING BIRTH.

THANKS, DEE.

AND I'LL
TAKE OVER THE
MORTIMER CASE,

BUT WE MAY NEED
YOU TO CONSULT.

HEY, I'M NOT
RETIRING, JUST
CUTTING BACK.

WHAT?
NOTHING.
NOTHING.

IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S HARD TO
IMAGINE YOU,

OF ALL PEOPLE...
SLOWING DOWN.

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ALL
SITTING DOWN.

I JUST GOT THE NEWS.

THE STATE SUPREME COURT
HAS ACCEPTED OUR APPEAL

ON ARLEN
VERSUS ARLEN.

OH-H-H!

DID YOU DREAM THIS
DAY WOULD EVER COME?

I WAS BEGINNING
TO HAVE MY DOUBTS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO CALL
THE CLIENT AND TELL HER.

YOU MIGHT ALSO
WANT TO TELL HER

I'LL BE TAKING
OVER AS LEAD COUNSEL.

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, YOU ASKED
THE FIRM TO LIGHTEN
YOUR WORKLOAD,

SO DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.

DEE, ERIC, UH,
WE'LL BE RECONVEN-
ING IN MY OFFICE.

WE NEED TO GO
OVER THE BRIEFING
SCHEDULE,

START MAPPING
OUT OUR STRATEGY.

OH, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT.

I SPENT THE LAST THREE
YEARS OF MY LIFE GETTING
THIS CASE TO COURT.

IT'S GOING TO BE A
LANDMARK DECISION.

AND IT'S ALSO
GOING TO TAKE
YOUR FULL AND
UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

FROM NOW UNTIL
WE GO TO TRIAL.

THERE'S NO WAY
YOU CAN DO ALL
THAT'S REQUIRED

AND ONLY WORK
PART-TIME.

OKAY.

AH-H.

IT'S HOT.

TAKES SOME
GETTING
USED TO,

BUT ONCE
YOU'RE INSIDE,

FEELS DAMN GOOD.

[ Chuckle ]

YEAH.

I LIKE YOU,
KINNEY.

UH, THANKS... JIM.

YOU TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT
MY PLAN IS AFTER
I GET ELECTED?

BAIL ON ALL YOUR
CAMPAIGN PROMISES,

EMBEZZLE THE CITY
PAYROLL AND ABSCOND
TO SOUTH AMERICA.

I PLAN ON INTRODUCING
YOU TO EVERY FAT CAT

WHO'S BEEN BACKING
MY CAMPAIGN.

WELL, I CERTAINLY
HOPE SO.

WHY THE FUCK ELSE
DO YOU THINK I'M
DOING THIS?

I ALSO LIKE
YOUR STYLE.

STRAIGHTFORWARD,
NO BULLSHIT.

YOU GOT BALLS.

OH, YOU
NOTICED.

THAT'S WHY I'M
GOING TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING

I NEVER TOLD
A LIVING SOUL,

EXCEPT MY WIFE.

I'M SCARED.

SCARED SHITLESS.

OF LOSING?

OF WINNING.

AFTER ALL,
I'M JUST A COP.

MY DAD WAS A COP.

MY BROTHERS
ARE COPS.

WHEN I WAS
PROMOTED
TO SERGEANT

I THOUGHT,
"THIS IS IT."

I NEVER EXPECTED
ANYTHING MORE.

AND NOW, I MAY
BE RUNNING AN
ENTIRE CITY.

PEOPLE'LL BE COUNT-
ING ON ME TO COME
THROUGH FOR THEM.

I QUESTION
WHETHER I HAVE
THE GOODS.

THAT'S NEVER STOPPED
A POLITICIAN BEFORE.

BESIDES, EVERYBODY
HAS DOUBTS.

EVEN YOU?

SOMETIMES.

HMM.

I FIGURED YOU WERE ONE
OF THOSE GOLDEN BOYS,

NEVER LOST A MINUTE'S
SLEEP WORRYING WHETHER
YOU COULD PULL IT OFF.

OH, I CAN ALWAYS
PULL IT OFF.

SO CAN YOU.

PINK PLATE
SPECIAL...

FOR MY
SPECIAL GUY.

FISH AND CHIPS,

DOUBLE TARTAR
SAUCE.
HOT AND
DELICIOUS,

AND I'M NOT
TALKING ABOUT
THE LUNCH.

BETTER LET IT
COOL OFF A BIT.

DON'T WANT TO
BURN YOUR TONGUE.

AND TRACY
TOLD ME ALL
SHE HAD TO DO

WAS GET ME
APPROVED BY THE
DISTRICT MANAGER,

BUT THAT THAT
WAS A MERE
FORMALITY.

OH, TEDDY, I
AM SO HAPPY.

OF COURSE, IT'S
ONLY AN ASSISTANT
BOOKKEEPER POSITION

AND SHE ADMITTED
THE PAY'S RIDIC-
ULOUS. BUT...

WELL, LIKE
I TOLD HER,

NO SHAME IN
EARNING AN HONEST
DAY'S PAY

FOR AN HONEST
DAY'S WORK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GO OUT TONIGHT
AND CELEBRATE,

JUST THE
TWO OF US?
MMM.

Debbie:
JUST THE TWO
OF YOU AND,
HOPEFULLY,

500 OF YOUR
CLOSEST FRIENDS.

THE "TEASE FOR TEENS"
CONTEST AT WOODY'S TONIGHT

TO RAISE MONEY
FOR THE SUICIDE
PREVENTION
HOTLINE, HUH?

KIKI, THE NEW WAITRESS,

FORMERLY KENNY
THE OLD WAITER,

IS THE MISTRESS
OF CEREMONIES.

I HEAR SHE'S
SO FUNNY, YOU'RE
GONNA BUST A GUT!

Woman:
OH-H-H!

FUCK!

Debbie:
KENNY?

KIKI, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

I JUST HAD THE
PINK PLATE SPECIAL.

[ *** ]

[ Wild cheering of crowd ]

I'LL BRING YOU A BURGER.

Ted:
I'LL HAVE THE
TUNA SALAD,

SALMONELLA
ON THE SIDE.

DEB, COULD YOU
FILL IN FOR ME?

OH, SURE, HONEY.
DON'T YOU WORRY.

NOW SIT DOWN.
YEAH, I'LL TAKE
OVER YOUR SHIFT.

I MEAN AT THE
CONTEST TONIGHT.

I THINK YOU
HAVE A TOUCH
OF DELIRIUM.

YOU'D BETTER
ASK ONE OF
YOUR SISTERS.

WELL, THEY ALL
MODEL THEMSELVES
AFTER YOU,

SO WHY NOT
GO WITH THE
ORIGINAL, HUH?

[ Gagging ]

I'M... I'M GOOD
AT DISHING UP
HASH BROWNS...

NOT DISHING OUT INTROS.

DEB? YOU'D
BE GREAT.

YOU'RE BIGGER
THAN LIFE.
WITH AN EVEN
BIGGER MOUTH.

YA MIND NOT
INSULTING ME IN
FRONT OF THE...

B.F.?

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT MY GIRL.

BIGGER THAN
LIFE, AND A
MOUTH TO MATCH.

I WOULDN'T WANT
HER ANY OTHER WAY.

YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT IT'S HOT.

IT'S PRAC-
TICALLY PORN.

IT WOULD SELL A
BAZILLION COPIES.

IF IT'S NOT
CONFISCATED FIRST.

WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

THINK OF THE
FREE PUBLICITY.

WORKING FOR BRIAN'S
RUBBED OFF ON YOU,

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

I SAY WE GO
WITH THIS ONE.

IT'S COMPLETELY
ANTISEPTIC.

IT ESTABLISHES
OUR NEW VILLAIN,
ICE TINA.

IT... IT PLACES OUR
HERO IN JEOPARDY.

YEAH, THIS IS
SUPPOSED TO BE
A GAY COMIC.

UNAPOLOGETIC,
DARING, SEXUAL, IN
YOUR FUCKING FACE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN BEING DARING

AND SEX FOR
SEX'S SAKE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU
THINK THIS IS?

J.T. GIVING RAGE
A BLOW JOB ISN'T
JUST ABOUT SEX.

IT'S ABOUT THAWING
HIS COLD HEART.

IT'S ABOUT BRINGING
HIM BACK TO LIFE.

IT'S ABOUT
THEIR LOVE,

THEIR UNSPOKEN
COMMITMENT.

ART IMITATING LIFE?

[ Sighing ]
YOU WERE RIGHT.

BRIAN SHOWED ME
HE LOVED ME...

EVERY DAY,

EVEN THOUGH HE
NEVER SAID IT.

EVEN THOUGH
HE NEVER WILL.

I JUST DIDN'T
WANT TO HEAR IT.

WELL, IT'S ALWAYS
NICE TO BE RIGHT.

THINK IT OVER.

[ Closing of door ]

AFTER 15 YEARS
OF LITERALLY
LIVING IN HELL,

SHE FINALLY
LEAVES HER DRUNK,

ABUSIVE, UN-
EMPLOYED HUSBAND
FOR A WOMAN.

IS THIS RIGHT?
YEAH, JUST STIR
IT INTO THE SAUCE

AND ADD THE
WINE. HERE.
I CAN DO IT.

SO, WHAT DOES
THE ASSHOLE
EX-HUSBAND DO?

SUES FOR CUSTODY
OF THEIR THREE KIDS,

AND THE FUCKING
JUDGE ACTUALLY
AWARDS IT TO HIM.

WHY?

BECAUSE A
DRUNK, ABUSIVE,

UNEMPLOYED
STRAIGHT MALE

MAKES A
BETTER PARENT

THAN TWO LESBIANS
ANY DAY. EVERYBODY
KNOWS THAT.

MAKE SURE THE
MEAT DOESN'T
GET TOO DONE.

I CAN DO IT.

NOW ALL SHE HAS
IS SUPERVISED
VISITATION.

SHE'S MISERABLE,
THE KIDS ARE
MISERABLE.

TALK ABOUT UNJUST.

WHICH IS WHY I
HAVE TO WIN IT.

YOU HAVE TO WIN IT.

I KNOW I SAID
I'D EASE UP,

AND I HAVE BEEN,

HAVEN'T I?

BUT THIS IS
GOING TO BE A
LANDMARK CASE,

WHAT I'VE BEEN
WORKING TOWARDS
MY ENTIRE CAREER.

IT... IT'S
IMPORTANT, NOT
JUST FOR STATE
CUSTODY LAW,

BUT FOR THE
COMMUNITY,

FOR US, FOR
OUR CHILDREN.

WHAT CAN I SAY
AFTER SUCH AN
IMPASSIONED PLEA?

EXCEPT THAT
YOU'RE PREGNANT

AND WE MADE
AN AGREEMENT.

AND I INTEND
TO HONOUR IT,
I PROMISE.

I JUST HAVE
TO BE EXTRA-
SPECIAL CAUTIOUS

ABOUT BUDGETING MY
TIME, THAT'S ALL.

I... HEY, IT'S
GOING TO BURN!

I CAN DO IT.

OH, AND CAN YOU
DO ME A HUGE FAVOUR

AND TAKE GUS
TO DAYCARE ON
YOUR WAY TO
WORK TOMORROW?

I HAVE TO MEET
THE CLIENT
FIRST THING IN
THE MORNING.

UH, BUT
DON'T WORRY,

I CAN PICK HIM UP
IN THE AFTERNOON.

WELL, SURE.

SEE?

WHO SAID YOU
CAN'T DO IT ALL?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Cheering/whooping ]

[ *** ]

HEY, I'LL GIVE
YOU AN EXTRA
100 IF YOU
SHOW YOUR COCK.

YOU GOT IT.

I-I-I MEANT
UP THERE.

YOU'RE EVIL.
OH, I'M SWEET.

[ *** ]

WHAT IS IT
ABOUT GAY MEN

THAT THEY'LL
INVENT ANY EXCUSE

JUST TO SHOW
THEIR DICKS?

BECAUSE
IT'S FUN?

OR ELSE THEY FEEL
IT'S ALL THEY
HAVE TO SHOW.

WELL, MR. NOVOTNY,

WHEN DID WE BECOME
SUCH A PRUDE, HUH?
I'M N...

I'M NOT A PRUDE.
OH.

I JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY
EVERYTHING

HAS TO BE ABOUT
SEX. LIKE...

JUSTIN'S
COVER FOR THE
NEXT "RAGE"

HAS GOT J.T.
GIVING BRIAN A...

RAGE, A
BLOW JOB.
INTERESTING
SLIP.

AND HOW DOES
MICHAEL, I MEAN,
UH, ZEPHYR, FEEL
ABOUT THAT?

HE DOESN'T GIVE
A SHIT, AND
NEITHER DO I.

HELLO, BOYS!
Various:
HEY!

QUITE A TURN-OUT.

YEAH, YOUR MOM CAN
REALLY FILL A VENUE.

YEAH, SOMEHOW
I DON'T THINK
IT'S MY MOM.

SO, UH, HOW
ARE THINGS...

OTHERWISE?

OTHERWISE,
THINGS ARE GOOD.

YEAH, I THOUGHT
MAYBE, UH,

YOU MIGHT HAVE
HEARD FROM TRACY.

YOU KNOW, ANY
SPECIALS AT
THE BIG Q?

HOW'S THE
INVENTORY
MOVING? DID I
GET THE JOB?

ACTUALLY, I DID
SPEAK TO HER.

WELL, COME,
COME ON, COME
ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.

THE SUSPENSE
IS KILLING ME.

I MEAN, DID
SHE TALK TO THE
DISTRICT MANAGER?

THIS ISN'T THE
TIME OR PLACE...
MICHAEL,
COME ON.

OH, YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH THIS
MEANS TO ME.

PLEASE, DON'T
PLAY GAMES.
I'M NOT PLAYING
GAMES. IT...

SHIT.

SHE SAID HE HAD
SOMEONE ELSE IN
MIND FOR THE JOB.

SOMEONE MORE
QUALIFIED.

MORE QUALIFIED?

SHE SAID I WAS
OVERQUALIFIED
AS IT IS.

I...
ARE YOU SURE THAT
WAS THE REASON?

THAT'S ALL SHE
TOLD ME. THAT'S
ALL I KNOW.

[ Cheering/whistling ]

Debbie:
[ On speakers ]
OKAY,

LET'S GIVE A BIG HAND
FOR JACOB'S BIG FINISH!

HOLY SHIT, HONEY,
IS THAT YOU

OR IS THAT
ONE OF MY
OLD FALSIES?

WAH!

THAT AIN'T NO
FOAM RUBBER.

ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.... UM,

LET'S SEE IF OUR
NEXT CONTESTANT
MEASURES UP.

UH, GET YOUR HANDS
OUT OF YOUR PANTS

AND PUT 'EM TOGETHER
FOR MATTHEW.

[ Cheers/clapping ]

[ *** ]

WHOOOO!

[ *** ]

* BURN, BABY, BURN... *

[ *** ]

Man:
EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!

PITTSBURGH P.D.!

THIS ESTABLISHMENT IS
NOW CLOSED FOR VIOLA-
TION OF SECTION 493,

SUBSECTION 10: LEWD
AND IMMORAL BEHAVIOUR.

Debbie:
WHAT THE FUCK!

WE'RE... WE'RE
JUST STRIPPING
FOR CHARITY HERE!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LOOK, I WANT EVERYBODY
TO CLEAR OUT THE FRONT.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

LET'S GO!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

Policeman:
PARTY'S OVER,
PEOPLE. OUTSIDE.

YOU HEARD ME.
COME ON, MOVE IT.

[ Mixed chatter ]

QUICK, QUICK, QUICK. COME
ON, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

WHEN YOU,
UH, TALK TO
JEANETTE TODAY,

STRESS HOW
IMPORTANT HER
APPEARANCE IN
COURT WILL BE.

SEE IF YOU
CAN CONVINCE
HER NOT TO...

LOOK LIKE
A LESBIAN?

I KNOW IT'S NOT P.C.,

BUT IF WEARING
A SKIRT AND
EYE SHADOW

IS WHAT IT
TAKES TO GET
HER KIDS BACK...
I'LL MAKE SURE

SHE LEAVES
HER LUMBERJACK
SHIRT AT HOME.

[ Forced
chuckle ]

JEANETTE ARLEN
HAS TO PUSH HER
MEETING TO 4:00.

SOMETHING
AT WORK.

OH, FUCK.

FINE, OKAY.

HEY, IF THERE'S
A PROBLEM, I
CAN TAKE OVER.

NO, NO, I'LL
BE THERE.

JUST, UH, GIVE
ME A MINUTE.

LINDSAY PETERSON,
PLEASE.

HEY, BABE. UH,

LISTEN, I'M IN A SPOT.

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOUR?

[ Cheering ]

WE'RE GONNA DO
THIS PEACEFULLY,

BUT WE'RE
GONNA BE LOUD

AND WE'RE
GONNA BE ANGRY!

Various:
YEAH!

WHAT'RE WE GONNA BE?

All:
LOUD!

WHAT ELSE ARE
WE GONNA BE?

All:
ANGRY!

Debbie:
THAT'S BETTER.

WE'RE GONNA LET THAT
FUCKIN' STOCKWELL KNOW

THAT WE ARE CITIZENS
OF THE UNITED STATES
OF FUCKIN' AMERICA,

AND WE HAVE THE
SAME FUCKIN' FREEDOMS
AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

THE FREEDOM
TO... OF SPEECH,

AND THE FREEDOM
TO ASSEMBLE,

AND THE FREEDOM
TO STRIP.

[ Whooping ]

ALTHOUGH YOU MAY
HAVE GONE A LITTLE
TOO FAR, HONEY,

BUT ALL RIGHT,
IT'S FOR A
GOOD CAUSE.

SO EVERYBODY BUNDLE UP,

'CAUSE WE'RE GOING DOWN
TO POLICE HEADQUARTERS.

[ Cheering ]

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

HALF-PRICE SALE
ON LEMON BARS?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
THE MAN BEHIND
THE ASSHOLE.

BRIAN'S ALWAYS
BEHIND THE ASSHOLE.

DAMN IT, MICHAEL,
THIS IS SERIOUS.

THE ENTIRE FUTURE
OF LIBERTY AVENUE
IS BEING THREATENED

AND YOUR BEST
FRIEND HERE NOT
ONLY DOESN'T
GIVE A SHIT,

HE'S ALSO HELPING
TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

COULD I GET
SOME LUNCH?

I-I-I'M GOING
TO BE LATE FOR
MY PRAYER GROUP.

I'M NOT
SERVING TODAY.

I GOT OTHER
THINGS TO DO.

AND WHY DON'T
YOU DO THE RIGHT
THING FOR ONCE

AND COME WITH US?

Michael:
COME ON, MA,
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

BRIAN DIDN'T
CAUSE THE RAID.

UH, WHOA, WHOA.
I'M SORRY, MICHAEL,
BUT DEBBIE'S RIGHT.

BRIAN HAS PLAYED
A BIG PART

IN ENCOURAGING
STOCKWELL TO TARGET
THE GAY COMMUNITY.

STOCKWELL'S
NEVER ONCE
MENTIONED THEM.

Debbie:
US!

BUT HE HAS IMPLIED
IT IN EVERY WORD
HE'S SPOKEN.

Debbie:
MICHAEL, WHO'S
SIDE ARE YOU ON?

YOUR FRIENDS',
YOUR FAMILY'S,

YOUR COMMUNITY'S?

OR HIS?

[ Ringing of
service bell ]

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
I THINK WHAT YOU'RE
DOING REALLY SUCKS.

[ Chuckling ]
OH, CHRIST.

NOT YOU TOO.

LOOK, STOCKWELL'S
JUST STIRRING
SHIT UP.

AS SOON AS HE'S
ELECTED, THIS'LL
ALL BLOW OVER.

THINK IT'S
GOING TO BLOW
OVER FOR TED?

UM, TED FUCKED UP.

IT'S NOT
MY PROBLEM.
MA'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT ANYBODY
BUT YOURSELF.

WELL, IF I
DON'T, WHO
WILL? YOU KNOW?

STOCKWELL AND HIS
SUPPORTERS ARE MY
ONE-WAY TICKET

OUT OF
THIS SECOND-
RATE, SECOND-
CLASS BURG.

WHAT ABOUT
YOUR SECOND-
RATE FRIENDS?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I'M ON
THE 99th FLOOR

OF MY NEW OFFICE
IN NEW YORK CITY,

THIS IS ALL GOING
TO SEEM LIKE A
DISTANT MEMORY.

FINE, GO.

TAKE JUSTIN
WITH YOU.
HEY!

YOU DIDN'T
LET ME FINISH.

IT'LL ALL SEEM
LIKE A DISTANT
MEMORY, EXCEPT
FOR YOU...

BECAUSE WHEREVER
I GO, AND WHO-
EVER I'M WITH,

I'LL ALWAYS
LOVE YOU.

BULLSHIT.

IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.

GRITS WITH CREAM CHEESE,

DEEP-FRIED OKRA,

CATFISH WITH PECAN
SAUCE, COCONUT
CUSTARD PIE.

I THOUGHT I'D
GIVE THEM SOME
SOUTHERN COMFORT.

YOU'RE GOING
TO GIVE THEM
A HEART ATTACK.
WELL...

MORNING, SWEETIE.

"MORNING"?

HEY, VIC.

SORRY I SLEPT
SO LATE.
[ Clearing
of throat ]

THAT'S OKAY. YOU
NEEDED YOUR REST.

PLANNING
ANOTHER PARTY?

JUST A SIMPLE,
DOWN-HOME
BIRTHDAY.

AT $50 A HEAD.

GOOD THING ONE
OF US IS BRINGING
HOME THE BACON.

SORRY TO HEAR
ABOUT THE BIG Q.
MICHAEL TOLD ME.

YEAH, SEEMS
MY REPUTATION
PRECEDED ME.

NOW, NOW. BETTER
THINGS LIE AHEAD.

AFTER ALL, LOOK
WHAT HAPPENED TO
VANESSA WILLIAMS.

SHE, UM...
SHE LOST HER
MISS AMERICA CROWN

FOR BUMPING
BUSHES IN THAT
PHOTO SPREAD,

BUT THAT DIDN'T
STOP DISNEY

FROM ASKING HER
TO SING THE THEME
TO "POCAHONTAS",

NOW DID IT?

WHATCHA
MAKIN', BABY?

BLOODY MARY.
ANYONE WANT ONE?

NOT FOR ME.

OH, UH, YEAH,
WE HAVE TO
FIND SOMEONE
TO TEND BAR.

BRENT, UH, HAS TO
WORK AT WOODY'S.

I CAN TEND BAR.

YOU CAN?

YEAH, HOW DO YOU
THINK I EARNED EXTRA
MONEY BACK IN COLLEGE?

I TENDED BAR AT
ALL THE AA MEETINGS.

ACCOUNTANTS
ASSOCIATION.

WELL, THAT WOULD
BE GREAT, SWEETIE,

BUT WE CAN'T
PAY A LOT.

THAT DOESN'T
MATTER.

THERE'S NO
SHAME IN EARNING
AN HONEST
NIGHT'S PAY

FOR AN HONEST
NIGHT'S WORK.

WELL, THEN, YOU
BETTER GET OUT YOUR
COCKTAIL SHAKER

AND START
SHAKING, MISTER!

[ Chuckling ]
UH-HUH?

STOCKWELL IS A
FUCKING HOMOPHOBE,

IS WHAT HE IS.

HE'S TRYING TO
TURN ALL THE GAYS
INTO SCAPEGOATS,

L... LIKE THEY DID
IN THE PAST WITH
OTHER MINORITIES.

SO WHOEVER THOSE
ASSHOLES ARE WHO
SAY THAT IT COULDN'T
HAPPEN HERE?

WELL, IT IS
HAPPENING!

SO, WHAT'D WE
DO THIS TIME?

UH, SHUT DOWN A BAR
ON LIBERTY AVENUE.

AND THE FAIRIES
ARE ALL A-
FLUTTER, HUH?

THERE'S NO REASON
TO CALL PEOPLE
NAMES, TOM.

MAYBE YOU'D
WANT TO JOIN
THEM, HUH?

HEY, ISN'T THAT
YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

IT'S NOT ANY DIFFERENT
THAN WHAT THE...

THOSE FUCKIN' NAZIS
DID TO THE JEWS!

OR... OR WHAT
HAPPENED TO
CICELY TYSON

WHEN SHE TRIED
TO TAKE A SIP OF
WATER OUT OF THAT
DRINKING FOUNTAIN.

YOU OUGHTA GET
HER A MUZZLE.

'SCUSE ME.

HOW COULD YOU
LET THIS HAPPEN?

ME? WHAT DID I
HAVE TO DO WITH...

DON'T TELL ME YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
HE HAD PLANNED.

HE'S YOUR FUCKIN'
BOSS, ISN'T HE?

I SWEAR I DIDN'T
KNOW JACK SHIT.
OH, WELL, SAVE
IT, CARL...

'CAUSE I'M
NOT BUYIN' IT.

STOCKWELL CAN
GO TO HELL!

Protesters: [ Chanting ]
STOCKWELL CAN
GO TO HELL!

IT WAS THE ONLY
TIME THEY COULD MEET.

YOU SAID THE
COURT DATE ISN'T
FOR MONTHS.

BUT WE HAVE TO
START BUILDING
OUR APPEAL NOW.

WE'VE GOT TO
INTERVIEW THE
DEFENDANTS,

LINE UP
WITNESSES...
WHICH OBVIOUSLY
TAKES PRECEDENCE

OVER PICKING
YOUR SON UP
FROM DAYCARE.

I'VE TOLD YOU:
IT'S A...
IT'S A LAND-
MARK CASE.

YES, SO
I'VE HEARD.
CAN I FINISH?

YES, GO
AHEAD, FINISH.

...THAT HAS DIRECT
BEARING ON OUR LIVES.

WHAT THE COURTS
HAVE BASICALLY SAID

IS THAT A FAMILY
WITH GAY PARENTS

IS LESS THAN A FAMILY
WITH STRAIGHT PARENTS,

SO IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN
JUST JEANETTE ARLEN
AND ANNA SOKOWSKI.

IT'S ABOUT YOU AND ME.

WELL, IF IT IS
ABOUT YOU AND ME,

MAYBE YOU COULD
TRY SHOWING A
LITTLE MORE RE-
SPECT FOR MY LIFE,

MY JOB.
LOOK, I SAID I
WAS SORRY ABOUT
A BILLIONS TIMES.

I MEAN, WAS...
WAS IT THAT BIG
OF AN IMPOSITION?

DID IT CREATE
SOME LIFE-THREAT-
ENING CATASTROPHE

AT THE
ART GALLERY?
YOU SEE?

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.

WHAT I DO COULDN'T
POSSIBLY BE AS
IMPORTANT AS
WHAT YOU DO.

IT'S MY JOB
THAT PAYS FOR
THIS MORTGAGE.

IT'S MY SALARY
THAT PAYS FOR
GUS' DAYCARE.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT
MONEY, IT'S ABOUT
KEEPING YOUR WORD,

AND WE MADE
A DEAL.

THIS IS THE CASE
OF MY CAREER!

AND THIS IS
THE LAUNDRY,
AND THOSE ARE
THE DISHES,

AND THIS IS
OUR SON...

WHO NEEDS TO
TAKE A BATH.

LINZ...

LINZ!

I'M NOT YOU...

AND I'M NEVER GOING
TO BE THE KIND OF
MOTHER YOU ARE.

AND WHAT KIND OF
MOTHER'S THAT?

THE KIND WHO'S
WILLING TO GIVE
EVERYTHING UP

TO BE THERE WITH
HER KID, 24/7.

WHO ASKED
YOU TO BE?

THE AGREEMENT
WAS TO SHARE
AND SHARE ALIKE,

BUT THE FIRST
TIME IT INTERFERES
WITH YOUR WORK...

THERE IS A WAY IT
DOESN'T HAVE TO.

WHAT? YOU WANT ME
TO QUIT MY JOB?

NO, OF COURSE NOT,

BUT WE COULD GET
A PART-TIME NANNY.

NO, NO, NO. I
WAS RAISED BY
NANNIES, IN CASE
YOU'D FORGOTTEN.

I WILL NOT HAVE
GUS BE RAISED
BY SOMEONE ELSE.

ALL RIGHT, THEN
WE CAN ASK DUSTY

OR ONE OF THE
OTHER MOMS TO
PICK GUS UP AFTER
SCHOOL AND...

AND KEEP HIM
UNTIL ONE OF US
GETS OFF WORK.

[ Heavy sigh ]
WELL?

YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S SO INTENT

ON DEFENDING
LESBIAN MOTHERHOOD,

YOU'RE NOT MUCH
OF AN EXAMPLE.

WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?

STRAIGHT MOTHERS
WORK FULL-TIME
AND HAVE NANNIES,

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

THE DIFFERENCE
IS WE HAVE TO BE A
LITTLE BIT BETTER.

I'M SURE YOUR CLIENTS
WOULD AGREE WITH ME.

[ Closing of door ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
YOU WANT TO GET THESE
FOR THIS GENTLEMAN HERE?

Ted:
THERE YOU GO,

DRAGON FRUIT
EXTRAVAGANZA.

YOU GUYS GOT
YOUR RED WINES.

Ted:
THERE YOU GO.

RIGHT THERE.
HOPE YOU
ENJOY IT.

THAT'S A REALLY
GOOD YEAR.

KETEL ONE
AND TONIC,

THERE YOU GO,
CHEERS.

AND TWO COSMOS,
COMING RIGHT UP.

Woman:
GREAT,
THANK YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, NO ONE'S
BEEN POISONED YET.

I'VE BEEN
WATCHING YOU.

YOU HAVE?
MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I LIKE THAT
IN A MAN.
MMM.

WELL, THEN
WAIT UNTIL YOU
SEE ME MIX A
SLOE GIN FIZZ.

YOU KNOW I
LIKE IT SLOW.

[ Chuckling ]

TWO COSMOS,
THERE YOU GO.

Woman:
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

MARTINI,
EXTRA DIRTY.

YES, SIR, COMING
RIGHT UP, SIR!

I SAID, A MARTINI,
EXTRA DIRTY.

UH, RIGHT.

RIGHT AWAY.

I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE, UM...

SCHMIDT.

TED, ISN'T IT?

THE ONE WITH
THAT WEBSITE.

HELLO, GARTH.

SAW YOUR PICTURE
IN THE PAPER,

AND ON THE NEWS.

WHAT A SHAME.

YEAH, WELL...

WHAT'RE YOU
GOING TO DO?
IT'S...

ONE OF
THOSE THINGS.

AND NOW?

[ Clearing
of throat ]

I, UM...

OH, I... MY...
MY, UH...

MY BOYFRIEND'S...

THROWING
THIS PARTY.

SO I HAVE TO...
I'M JUST, UM...
I'M, UH...

I'M HELPING HIM...
HELPING HIM OUT.

I ASKED FOR
"EXTRA DIRTY".

OF ALL PEOPLE, I
WOULD THINK THAT
YOU'D BE ABLE
TO HANDLE THAT.

SORRY.

WHO'S THAT YOU
WERE TALKING TO?

NOBODY.

[ Lounge *** ]

JUST GOT THE
ON-AIR VERSION OF
THE AD WE SHOT,

THOUGHT I'D
DROP IT BY.

YOU COME
OFF GREAT,

AND YOUR INTERACTION
WITH THE KIDS,
IT'S TERRIFIC.

I'LL LOOK
AT IT LATER.

SOMETHING UP?

I HAD A POW-
WOW WITH MY
ADVISORS TODAY.

WE ALL THINK
YOU'VE DONE
A GREAT JOB,

BUT AT THIS
CRITICAL
JUNCTURE,

WE FEEL WE NEED
TO MOVE IN A
NEW DIRECTION.

I TURNED
YOUR FUCKING
CAMPAIGN AROUND.

I'M AWARE
OF THAT.

THEN WHY, AT
THIS CRITICAL
JUNCTURE,

ARE YOU
FIRING ME?

LET'S JUST SAY WE
NO LONGER BAT FOR
THE SAME TEAM.

WHAT TEAM
IS THAT?

THE PITTSBURGH
POONCHASERS?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
PUSSY, JIM.

LOOK, DON'T INSULT ME.

ONE OF YOUR POSSE
SAW ME AT WOODY'S
LAST NIGHT

AND REPORTED BACK.

YOU SHOULD
HAVE TOLD ME.

WELL, MY RULE HAS
ALWAYS BEEN "IF I'M
NOT SUCKING YOUR COCK,

THEN IT'S NONE OF
YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS."

THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG.

ANYTHING THAT
CAN COST ME THIS
CAMPAIGN IS MY
FUCKING BUSINESS.

[ Clattering of tape ]

Vic:
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR DIET?

FUCK FOUR OUNCES
OF KALE AND THREE
OUNCES OF CHICKEN.

FUCK HORVATH TOO?

HE'S NO LONGER
PART OF MY WEIGHT
LOSS PROGRAMME.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL I
WAS DOING DATING
A COP, ANYWAY.

BECAUSE HE ADORED
YOU AND COULD PER-
FORM CUNNILINGUS

LIKE A THIRSTY
LESBIAN.

GOD!

HOW THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW?

THE WALLS
HAVE EARS.

SIS, YOU'RE
ASSUMING THINGS.

MAYBE HE REALLY
DIDN'T KNOW,

AND IF HE DID,
IT'S HARD
TO BELIEVE

HE WOULDN'T'VE
TRIED TO
PROTECT YOU.

SINCE WHEN
DID YOU START
DEFENDING COPS?

SINCE YOU
FELL FOR ONE.

Michael:
SURE DIDN'T
TAKE THEM LONG
TO REOPEN.

WELL, I TOLD YOU,
IT'S ALL A GAME.

HE CLOSES
THEM DOWN,

THEY PAY A
LITTLE FINE,

HE GETS A HIT
IN THE PRESS.

YOUR MOM'S THE
ONE WHO HAD TO
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT GAMES.

SHE TAKES EVERY-
THING TO HEART.

YOU, ON THE
OTHER HAND,

ARE THE PERFECT
POLITICAL ANIMAL.

HAND STEADY,

EYES FIXED FIRMLY
ON THE TARGET.

SAY ANYTHING,
DO ANYTHING...

HE CANNED ME.

HUH?

STOCKWELL. HE
FUCKING CANNED ME.

FOR WHAT?

FOR BEING HERE.

ONE OF HIS COPS
RECOGNIZED ME.

TRAPPED IN A WEB
OF YOUR OWN DECEIT,

A VICTIM OF YOUR
OWN MACHINATIONS.

SAVE THE BAD
DIALOGUE FOR
YOUR COMIC BOOK.

THAT'S WHAT
YOU GET WORKING
FOR HETEROS.

YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN
YOUR OWN ADVICE.

WAIT 'TIL MY
MOM FINDS OUT.

THAT'LL
CHEER HER UP.

GLAD TO BE
OF ASSISTANCE.

MA...

MA!

NOT NOW,
SWEETIE.

MOTHER'S TRYING
TO CONCENTRATE.

WELL CONCENTRATE
ON THIS: BRIAN
GOT THE AXE.

STOCKWELL FIRED HIM.

WHOO.
THAT'S NICE.

NICE? I THOUGHT
YOU'D BE THRILLED.

IT DOESN'T
CHANGE ANYTHING.

STOCKWELL'S STILL
GONNA PICK ON US,

AND YOU
KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE'S
A BULLY...

AND WE'RE THE
LITTLE GUY.

JUST LIKE WHEN
YOU WERE IN THIRD
GRADE AND THAT...

THAT TERRY KID
PICKED ON YOU.

THERE'S ALWAYS
GOING TO BE
A BULLY.

THAT'S LIFE,

BUT THIS TIME,
WE'RE GOING TO
STAND UP TO HIM.

Various: [ On TV ]
STOCKWELL CAN
GO TO HELL!

STOCKWELL IS A [ Beep ]
HOMOPHOBE IS WHAT HE IS!

HE'S TRYING TO
TURN ALL THE GAYS
INTO SCAPEGOATS,

LIKE THEY DID IN THE PAST
TO OTHER MINORITIES.

SO WHOEVER THOSE [ Beep ]
ARE WHO SAY THAT IT
COULDN'T HAPPEN HERE?

WELL, IT IS HAPPENING!

[ Cheering/clapping ]

Woman: [ On TV ]
AS MEMBERS OF
THE GAY COMMUNITY
EXPRESS OUTRAGE,

AND HIS NUMBERS
DROP SIGNIFICANTLY
IN THE POLLS,

MAYORAL CANDIDATE,
POLICE CHIEF JIM STOCKWELL

HAS YET TO RESPOND TO
THE CHARGES OF HOMOPHOBIA.

HEY, BRIAN!

HOW'S YOUR GUY
GONNA COVER
HIS ASS NOW?

I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER.

STOCKWELL IS [ Beep ]
HOMOPHOBE IS WHAT HE IS!

HE'S TRYING TO TURN ALL
THE GAYS INTO SCAPEGO...

[ Switching off of TV ]

[ Sighing ]

Brian:
AH, SHE'S GOT
A BIG MOUTH.

THAT RALLY ALSO
COST ME SOME POINTS.

WELL, I TOLD
YOU ABOUT PICKING
ON GUYS THAT
AREN'T YOUR SIZE.

SO OTHER THAN
THAT, HOW'S
YOUR DAY GOING?

JIM JUNIOR HAS A
BASKETBALL GAME.

IS HIS TEAM STILL AHEAD?

THEY'RE TIED FOR
THE LEAGUE NOW.

HE NEEDS A
WIN TODAY.

SO DO YOU.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

THAT'S ALL THE
PAPER WE HAVE
ON THE GUY.

I SUPPOSE YOU
SHOULD CHECK
THE EAST END.

THAT'S HIS
OLD, UH...
HIS OLD HOOD.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S
SEE THE MEMO.

EXCUSE ME.
OKAY.

I'M SORRY
TO INTERRUPT.

THAT'S OKAY.
WHAT'S UP?

WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, UM...

I'VE COME
TO APOLOGIZE.

ANYWAY, UH,
WOODY'S IS
REOPENED NOW,

AND... AND THE
CONTEST WAS A
FUCKIN' HOOT.

THE KIDS LOVED ME.

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
SOME OF THE GOOD
CRACKS I GOT OFF.

I'M SURE.

YOU ALWAYS DO.

WHAT?

YOU ALWAYS DO.

YOUR BIG MOUTH
HAS GOTTEN ME
INTO SOME DEEP
SHIT AROUND HERE.

I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED MY
BIG MOUTH.

NOT WHEN IT'S
YAPPING ON TV,
BLASTING MY BOSS.

BECAUSE HE'S A
GODDAMN FUCKING
NAZI HOMOPHOBE!

WILL YOU
PIPE DOWN?

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN.

CAN'T YOU KEEP
THAT THING SHUT?

NOT WHEN SOMEONE'S
ATTACKING MY...

MY FRIENDS AND
MY COMMUNITY.

I DON'T GIVE
A SHIT IF HE
IS YOUR BOSS.

WELL, I DO.

SO HE SHUT
DOWN A GAY BAR
FOR ONE NIGHT

FOR HAVING
AN ILLEGAL
STRIP SHOW.

YEAH, USING
SOME LAW LEFT
OVER FROM DAYS

WHEN INDIANS
STRIPPED FOR
SETTLERS.

STOP TURNING IT
INTO THE GODDAMN
INQUISITION.

HE'S THE ONE
DOING A GREAT JOB
OF THAT WITHOUT
ANY HELP FROM ME.

AND YOU KNOW
AS WELL AS I DO
HE'S NOT GONNA
STOP HERE.

WELL,
NEITHER AM I!

AS LONG AS
THERE'S STILL
FREEDOM OF
SPEECH,

I-I-I'M GONNA
EXERCISE MY
FUCKIN' RIGHTS

TO SHOOT
OFF MY BIG
FUCKIN' MOUTH...

AS LOUD AS I
FUCKIN' WANT!

IF THAT'S
YOUR CHOICE.

IT IS.

THEN THIS
IS MINE.

Various:
I AM STARVING...

[ Sigh ]

I'VE BEEN WAITING
ALL DAY...

IF WE WAIT
ANY LONGER,

WE CAN PAVE THE
DRIVEWAY WITH
THESE EMPANADAS.

MMM. WHERE'S TED?

HE WENT OUT
TO PICK UP
SOME WINE.

ABOUT FIVE
HOURS AGO.

YOU KNOW HOW
FINICKY HE IS
ABOUT CHOOSING
THE RIGHT LABEL.

Emmett:
WELL...

I GUESS WE SHOULD START.

SO, UH, THANK
YOU ALL FOR BEING
OUR TASTERS.

YOU ARE GOOD
FRIENDS...

AND GUINEA PIGS.

IN OTHER WORDS,

BETTER WE CROAK THAN
YOUR RICH CLIENTS.

EXACTLY.

WELL, IT MAY BE
DEADLY, BUT IT
LOOKS DELICIOUS.

MMM... AMAZING.

HMM.

Vic:
WELL, DIG
IN, THERE'S
LOTS OF FOOD.

HAIL! HAIL! THE
GANG'S ALL HERE!

Ted:
HEY!
HEY!
HEY!

WHERE'VE YOU
BEEN, HONEY?

MMM, SELECTING
THE PROPER VINTAGE,

WHICH, GIVEN THE
AUSPICIOUSNESS...

IS THAT A WORD?

WELL, IT
IS NOW;

OF THIS
OCCASION...

REQUIRED SOME
PRETTY GODDAMN
EXTENSIVE SAMPLING.

I CAN TELL.

OH-H-H.

Ted:
WOULD YOU
JUST LOOK...

ALL THIS
BEAUTIFUL FOOD.

WHO'D'VE
GUESSED
IT, HUH?

OUR LITTLE
EM...

SUCH A SUCCESS.

EVERYBODY
WANTS HIM.

HOW ABOUT
YOU GIVE ME

A GREAT BIG KISS!

I'D ASK YOU TO
GIVE ME A GREAT
BIG BLOW JOB

BUT WE HAVE
GUESTS,

SO, A KISS'LL
HAVE TO DO.

Emmett:
HOW ABOUT WE GET
YOU SOMETHING TO
EAT FIRST? HMM?

THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

REALLY GOOD IDEA.

YEAH. HERE...
HERE YOU GO, BABY.

HERE, TAKE
A BITE OF
THIS. HMM?

NO, NO, NO,
THANK YOU,

I AM ON A
LIQUID DIET.

SORT OF A
CLEANSING.

DON'T BUDDHISTS
DO THAT, BEN?

OH, UH, YEAH, THEY DO,

BUT, UH, NOT
WITH PINOT NOIR.

HERE, HONEY,
JUST, UH...
JUST ONE BITE?

FOR ME?

SAY "PRETTY
PLEASE."

PRETTY PLEASE?

I DON'T WANT IT.

COME ON. COME
ON, BABY, HERE,
JUST, UH...
JUST ONE BITE.

Ted:
MM-MMM.

OPEN UP FOR
THE CHOO-CHOO!

WOOO-WOOO!

I SAID NO!

EM?

EM, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

I'M SORRY. I
DIDN'T... I
DIDN'T MEAN TO...

ALL RIGHT.
I-I KNOW. I
KNOW, I KNOW.

OF COURSE YOU
DIDN'T. OF COURSE
YOU DIDN'T.

[ Whispering ]
YOU HAVE JUST
HAD A LITTLE TOO
MUCH TO DRINK,

THAT'S ALL.

YEAH, I
GUESS I HAVE.

Emmett:
HAPPENS TO
THE BEST OF US.

WHY DON'T
YOU COME LIE
DOWN? OKAY?

THAT'S A
GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.

Ted:
I'M SUDDEN-
LY, UH...

I'M FEELING
VERY, VERY...

VERY TIRED.

HE JUST NEEDS
TO REST.

Jim:
I EMPHATICALLY DENY THAT
MY DEPARTMENT'S ACTIONS

REGARDING THE CLOSING
OF A GAY BAR ON
LIBERTY AVENUE

HAD ANYTHING TO DO

WITH THE SEXUAL ORIEN-
TATION OF ITS PATRONS.

IT WAS PROMPTED
ENTIRELY BY THE FACT

THAT THERE WERE
ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES
GOING ON AT THE TIME,

AND AS SUCH, IT
WAS THE DUTY OF THE
POLICE TO RESPOND.

AS FOR BEING HOMOPHOBIC,

I FEEL THESE CHARGES WERE
MADE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE

OF DAMAGING MY
REPUTATION AND MY
CAMPAIGN FOR MAYOR.

I HOLD NO ANIMOS-
ITY WHATSOEVER

TOWARDS OUR LAW-
ABIDING GAY CITIZENS,

MANY OF WHOM
SUPPORT MY EFFORTS
TO ELIMINATE DRUGS,

PROSTITUTION, AND
BUSINESSES THAT PROFIT
FROM ILLICIT SEX.

IN FACT, THE PERSON
IN CHARGE OF MY ENTIRE
ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN,

A CLOSE FRIEND AND
PERSONAL ADVISOR...

HAPPENS TO BE GAY.

[ Clicking of
camera shutters ]

[ *** ]

* HERE BY MY SIDE,
AN ANGEL *

[ *** ]

* HERE BY MY SIDE,
THE DEVIL *

[ *** ]

* NEVER TURN
YOUR BACK ON ME *

* NEVER TURN YOUR
BACK ON ME AGAIN *

* HERE BY MY SIDE,
IT'S HEAVEN *

[ *** ]

* HERE BY MY SIDE,
YOU ARE DESTRUCTION *

[ *** ]

* HERE BY MY SIDE *

* A NEW COLOUR
TO PAINT THE WORLD *

* OOH *

* NEVER TURN
YOUR BACK ON IT *

* NEVER TURN YOUR
BACK ON IT AGAIN *

* HERE BY MY SIDE,
IT'S HEAVEN *

[ Moaning ]

[ Panting ]

[ *** ]

[ Clearing
of throat ]

THAT WAS
FUCKING HOT.

OH, IT WAS JUST
LIKE THE, UH...

THE COVER OF
YOUR COMIC.

MICHAEL FINALLY
AGREED TO GO
WITH IT,

EVEN IF WE DO
GET ARRESTED.

UH, WELL...

WHAT KIND OF
ARTIST ARE YOU
IF YOU DON'T?

[ Knocking on door ]

[ Sighing ]
SORRY.

THAT'S MY
11:00 O'CLOCK.

[ Clearing
of throat ]

COOL PLACE.

OH, YEAH,
THERE'S TOURS
EVERY HOUR.

BEDROOM'S
THROUGH THERE.

WHO'S HE?

OH, THAT'S A
DIFFICULT QUES-
TION TO ANSWER

GIVEN THE
LIMITATIONS OF
THE LANGUAGE

AND THE CONVENTION-
ALITY OF MOST
PEOPLE'S THINKING.

UM...

LET'S JUST
SAY HE'S THE
GUY I FUCK MORE
THAN ONCE.

UNLIKE YOU.

[ *** ]

* TOUGH BOYS,
RUNNING THE STREETS *

* COME A LITTLE CLOSER *

* ROUGH TOYS
UNDER THE SHEETS *

* NOBODY KNOWS HER *

* ROUGH BOYS,
DON'T WALK AWAY *

* I VERY NEARLY
MISSED YOU *

* TOUGH BOY,
COME OVER HERE *

* I WANNA BITE
AND KISS YOU *

[ *** ]

* I WANNA SEE
WHAT I CAN FIND *

* TOUGH KID,
TAKE A BOTTLE OF WINE *

* WHEN YOUR DEAL
IS BROKEN *

* TEN QUID, SHE'S
SO EASY TO BLIND *

* NOT A WORD IS SPOKEN *

* ROUGH BOYS,
DON'T WALK AWAY *

* I FEEL PRETTY
BLISSED HERE *

* TOUGH BOY,
I WANNA CARRY YOU HOME *

* YOU GOT PRETTY
PISSED, DEAR *

[ *** ]

* GONNA GET INSIDE YOU *

* GONNA GET INSIDE... *

* YOUR BITTER MIND *

[ *** ]

* I WANNA SEE
WHAT I CAN FIND *

ROUGH BOY,
DON'T WALK AWAY *

* I WANNA BUY
YOU LEATHER *

MOO!
* MAKE NOISE, TRY
AND TAKE ME AWAY *

* WE CAN'T BE
SEEN TOGETHER *

* TOUGH KIDS,
WHAT CAN I DO? *

* I'M SO PALE
AND WEEDY *

* ROUGH FITS IN MY
HUSH PUPPY SHOES *

* BUT I'M STILL
PLEADING... *