Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

WELL, THAT COULD BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

YOU KNOW, YOU TWO OUGHTA CALM DOWN.

AREN'T YOU EVEN JUST A TEENY, TINY BIT NERVOUS?

WHY SHOULD I BE NERVOUS?

I'LL BE IN AND OUT OF THERE IN TWO MINUTES.

BING! BANG! BOOM!

SO WHY ARE YOU FIDGETING?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MYSELF IN THREE DAYS.

YOU'D BE FIDGETING TOO.

NOVOTNY? PRESENT.

I MEAN... I'M HERE.



FOLLOW ME.

WISH ME LUCK.

WE LOVE YOU. WE LOVE YOU.

HERE'S FOR YOUR SPECIMEN.

A BIT OPTIMISTIC, AREN'T WE?

AND HERE ARE YOUR TISSUES TO WIPE UP AFTER.

"MOISTURIZING CREAM ADDED FOR EXTRA SOFTNESS". NICE.

LUBRICANT'S OVER HERE, AND THE MAGAZINES ARE HERE.

THE JULY "HUSTLER" IS NASTY.

DON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

THE CLINIC CLOSES AT 5:00.

WELL, HOPEFULLY, WE'LL BOTH GET OFF BY THEN.

NOT A DICK IN SIGHT.

UH...



NERVOUS? HUH...

I'LL TAKE "QUESTIONS WHOSE ANSWERS ARE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS"

FOR 100, ALEX.

"THIS DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME VIOLINIST

DAZZLED THE JUDGES AT THE SEMI-FINALS

AND CONSISTENTLY TAKES JUSTIN TAYLOR'S BREATH AWAY."

WHO IS... ETHAN GOLD?

BING, BING, BING!

YOU'RE MY MUSE. HMM.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU. SURE YOU COULD.

WHEN MY MOM CALLED, SAID MY GRANDFATHER WAS TOO SICK TO TRAVEL,

I ALMOST DIDN'T COME.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING FOR HIM MY WHOLE LIFE,

PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THIS MOMENT.

WITHOUT HIM, WHO WAS I DOING IT FOR?

YOU'RE NEXT, MR. GOLD.

I BETTER TAKE MY SEAT.

NO, STAY HERE, WHERE I CAN SEE YOU.

I'LL BE PLAYING FOR YOU.

PLAYING THE "SCHERZO-TARANTELLA, OPUS 16" BY WIENIAWSKI,

ETHAN GOLD.

IF YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS ARE FINISHED,

HOW ABOUT REGISTERING TO VOTE?

NO.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION

AREN'T YOUR ONLY CIVIC DUTY, YOU KNOW.

IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SUPPORT THE CANDIDATES

WHO ARE WILLING TO FIGHT FOR

AND DEFEND THE RIGHTS OF OUR COMMUNITY.

YEAH, YOU TELL 'EM, SIS.

SO, UH, HOW MANY NEW VOTERS HAVE YOU SIGNED UP?

SIX. HOW ABOUT YOU? FOUR.

CHRIST, WITH AN ELECTION COMIN' UP,

YOU'D THINK THESE GUYS WOULD GIVE A SHIT

ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES GETTING THEIR DICKS SUCKED.

HOW ABOUT A RIM JOB,

OR A GOOD OLDFASHIONED FUCK? HUH.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE, A NONPARTISAN OPINION.

NOW WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU VOTED?

UH, LET'S SEE, THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE...

THE BIG BASKET CONTEST AT WOODY'S.

VOTING'S A SERIOUS BUSINESS.

ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR.

WHAT IF THAT ASSHOLE GETS ELECTED?

WHICH ASSHOLE?

CHRIST, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?

BABYLON, THE BATHS.

OUR ILLUSTRIOUS POLICE CHIEF

IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR.

AND THE POLLS SHOW THAT HE'S RUNNING NECK-AND-NECK

WITH COUNCILMAN DEEKINS.

LET ME KNOW WHO WINS.

HOLD IT!

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T CARE?

YOU MEAN YOU'RE SURPRISED?

I MEAN I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

YOU KNOW, WHETHER IT'S THE DEMOCRAT WHO PRETENDS HE LIKES YOU,

OR THE REPUBLICAN WHO HATES YOU AND LETS YOU KNOW IT,

EITHER WAY, ONCE THEY'RE IN OFFICE,

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO DO A GODDAMN THING.

SO I SAY, MAY THE BEST SELF-SERVING SON OF A BITCH WIN.

YOU KNOW, I ALMOST HATE TO SAY IT BUT...

THEN KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT.

MR. NOVOTNY?

MR. NOVOTNY,

THE CLEANING CREW WOULD LIKE TO GET IN THERE,

AND I'D LIKE TO GO HOME.

HELLO, MY NAME IS...

DO YOU HAVE JUST A MOMENT FOR...

SO I C... NO, I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, IF I COULD JUST HAVE

JUST A MOMENT... NOT TODAY.

HEY, GUYS!

LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR LITTLE CAP.

YEAH, WELL, DEB'S GOT ALL US PFLAG PARENTS OUT VOLUNTEERING.

HAVE YOU REGISTERED?

YEAH, I-I SIGNED UP YESTERDAY.

YOU DID?

I ASKED IF YOU WANTED TO TAKE STRIP AEROBICS.

I BELIEVE JENNIFER MEANS TO VOTE.

OH, THAT. IT'S JUST THAT SORT OF APATHY

THAT GETS THE WRONG MAN ELECTED.

I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE BEEN A REGISTERED REPUBLICAN

FOR ALMOST, UH... WHAT?

A REPUBLICAN.

ARE YOU TELLING ME I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH A YANKEE

AND A REPUBLICAN?

GIVE ME THAT.

ALTHOUGH ONCE WE MOVE, I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO RE-REGISTER.

YOU'RE MOVING?

YEAH, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A HOUSE.

WONDERFUL.

I... SUPPOSE YOU ALREADY HAVE A REALTOR.

NO, NO YET.

WELL, YOU DO NOW.

I WOULD BE DELIGHTED...

TO HELP YOU FIND YOUR DREAM HOME.

EXCELLENT. PERFECT.

BEFORE ANNOUNCING THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S COMPETITION,

I'D LIKE TO COMPLIMENT ALL OF OUR BRILLIANTLY TALENTED YOUNG FINALISTS.

WELL DONE. WELL DONE.

AS WE WITNESSED TODAY,

EACH IS A SUPERB

AND REMARKABLY GIFTED MUSICIAN.

THE HEIFETZ PRIZE GOES TO...

LING LIU.

IT WAS THE CANTABILE.

THE GODDAMN CANTABILE!

I FUCKED IT UP GOOD.

MY FINGERS TIGHTENED UP. I COULD... I COULD FEEL IT.

IT'S OKAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU WERE STILL WONDERFUL.

COME ON.

LET'S GO HOME.

OKAY.

OKAY. MR. GOLD?

THAT'S RIGHT.

GLEN BISHOP, ARTISTS MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATES.

GLEN BISHOP. ARTISTS MANAGEMENT.

JUSTIN TAYLOR. MORAL SUPPORT.

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU GAVE A DAZZLING PERFORMANCE.

APPARENTLY, NOT DAZZLING ENOUGH.

WELL, THE JUDGES HAVE THEIR OWN STANDARDS, BUT I HAVE MINE.

THE AUDIENCE WAS CAPTIVATED BY YOUR PASSION,

YOUR VIRTUOSITY.

YOU HAVE REAL PRESENCE....

AND A GREAT LOOK.

UH... THANKS.

THE PROGRAMME SAYS YOU'RE FROM PITTSBURGH.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHEN ARE YOU HEADING BACK?

UH, TOMORROW MORNING.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS BEFORE THAT THOUGH.

CAN I BUY YOU ONE OF THEM?

UM, YOU BUYING FOR MY BOYFRIEND TOO?

OH, BY ALL MEANS.

ALL RIGHT.

AFTER YOU.

AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THERE'S A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR WHO KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN THERE.

WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

WHAT COULD BE HOTTER THAN HAVING A BUNCH OF BREEDERS

WATCHING YOU WHILE YOU JERK OFF?

EVEN YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S TRUE.

I WENT TO THE "GRAVEL PIT" AND WATCHED WHILE SOME GUY

TOOK IT UP THE BUTT FROM A CONGA LINE.

YOU WHIPPED UP THE BATTER

THAT EVENTUALLY BECAME GUS IN A SEX CLUB?

IT'S DISGUSTING. NOT LIKE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF SOME TWAT

SPREAD HER LIPS IN A CUM-STAINED COPY OF "HUSTLER".

WHICH ONE OF YOU SAID,

"HOLD THE MAYO"?

THAT WOULD BE MR. MIRACLE WHIPPER.

HOW DID IT GO? HUH?

DID YOU SHOOT YOUR LOAD? MOTHER!

BET IT WAS A WHOPPER. HUH!

THE GRASSI SIDE OF THE FAMILY

ARE ITALIAN STALLIONS, ALL OF 'EM.

UH-HUH. WELL, THIS ONE DIDN'T PONY UP.

WHAT?

THANKS FOR ANNOUNCING THE NEWS. WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US THE SPORTS AND THE WEATHER?

WHAT HAPPENED, HONEY?

TELL ME.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

FIRST OBLIGATION TO BEING A FATHER, AND I BLEW IT.

WELL, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

I WOULDN'T MENTION "HARD-ON".

HONEY, A LOT OF PEOPLE FREEZE UP UNDER PRESSURE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S CALLED PERFORMANCE ANXIETY,

RIGHT, BRIAN? NEVER HEARD OF IT.

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

I MEAN, WHO COULD GET A STIFFIE

IN A STERILE ENVIRONMENT LIKE THAT ANYWAY?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE BEN PULL IT FOR YOU,

YOU KNOW, WHILE YOU HOLD THE CUP?

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?

WHAT? WE'RE TALKING CLINICALLY.

WE'RE NOT TALKING AT ALL!

FINE. HANDLE IT YOURSELF.

HE ALREADY DID.

SHUT UP! YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY IN PITTSBURGH

NEEDS TO KNOW MY BUSINESS

AND FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON IT. I'M GOING HOME,

TO WHACK OFF, AND THAT'S THE LAST ANYBODY NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES?

OUR FIRM REPRESENTS SOME OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG CONCERT ARTISTS

PERFORMING IN THE BUSINESS.

SINGERS, DANCERS, MUSICIANS.

SO YOU'RE WHAT, AN AGENT?

TALENT REPRESENTATIVE.

WE ARRANGE FOR BOOKINGS,

RECORDING CONTRACTS,

TOURS, BOTH IN THE STATES AND ABROAD.

TOURS?

ONCE PEOPLE KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO SEE AND HEAR YOU PERFORM.

HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW THAT?

WELL, LEAVE THAT UP TO US.

THAT'S OUR JOB.

SO, ARE YOU...

ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO REPRESENT ME?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING.

BUT WHY? WHY ME?

I DIDN'T EVEN WIN. I WASN'T EVEN THE BEST.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN A RECORD STORE LATELY, ETHAN?

IN THE CLASSICAL DEPARTMENT?

WELL, YEAH, I MAKE MY OWN CDs.

I LIKE TO CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION,

SEE WHAT JOSHUA BELL IS UP TO.

OKAY, SO YOU'VE NOTICED

IT'S STARTING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE THE ROCK DEPARTMENT.

THERE'S NO MORE COVERS WITH SNOWYHAIRED GRANDFATHERS

PROPPED UP LIKE CORPSES AT THEIR BABY GRANDS,

OR CLUTCHING THEIR VIOLINS.

ARTISTS THESE DAYS ARE YOUNG,

HIP, SEXY...

MUCH LIKE YOURSELF.

SO IS THAT WHY YOU'RE INTERESTED IN HIM?

BECAUSE HE'S CUTE?

I'M INTERESTED IN HIM

BECAUSE HE'S AN EXTRAORDINARY TALENT.

ALL THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY

BECAUSE HE'S A TALENT I CAN SELL.

SO I'M A... SO I'M A COMMODITY.

I CAN'T VERY WELL SELL MOZART.

UNLIKE EMINEM, HE HASN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW IN 300 YEARS.

CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?

HAVE TO PEE.

HE'S A NICE KID.

YEAH.

HE'S AN AMAZING ARTIST.

REALLY?

HE'S GOODLOOKING TOO.

DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.

I LIKED MEETING HIM...

BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO SIGN WITH ME,

I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

WHAT?

AS FAR AS YOUR PROFESSIONAL CAREER IS CONCERNED...

HE DOESN'T EXIST.

JUST AS I EXPECTED,

PLENTY OF PRICEY PREY SWIMMING IN THESE WATERS.

PERISCOPE DEPTH.

FOCUS.

THAT'S BILL RANSON OVER THERE.

JERUSALEM STEEL.

THE REDHEAD BESIDE HIM IS THE GATEKEEPER.

GET BY HER, YOU'RE IN.

DIANE OVERTON. BLACK DRESS, BY THE BAR.

CHECK.

CARNEGIE FOUNDATION.

LOTS OF GOOD LEADS THROUGH HER.

AH, THE MAN OF THE HOUR WHOM EVERYONE'S...

HI.

...ANTED UP FIVE THOU TO SHAKE HANDS WITH,

JIM STOCKWELL.

HOW ARE YOU? THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING.

YOU LISTENING?

I PAID A SHITLOAD OF CASH TO GET US IN HERE.

FOR WHICH I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO FIRE A TORPEDO, CAP'N.

SO YOU'RE RUNNING FOR MAYOR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW'S IT GOING?

VERY WELL, THANKS. REALLY?

BECAUSE WITH ALL THIS MONEY YOU'RE RAISING...

YOU SHOULD BE OUT IN FRONT,

BUT THE POLLS SHOW YOU TRAILING COUNCILMAN DEEKINS.

MY OPPONENT IS AHEAD AT THIS POINT,

BY THE NARROWEST OF MARGINS.

HOWEVER, MY ADVISORS HAVE INFORMED ME

THAT WE'RE WELL POSITIONED TO TAKE OVER THE LEAD.

YOUR ADVISORS ARE BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR ASS.

AND YOUR PREPARED REMARKS

ARE AS STALE AS THE CAMPAIGN YOU'RE RUNNING.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION, MR... UH...

KINNEY. BRIAN KINNEY.

IT'S ALWAYS HELPFUL HEARING FROM ONE'S SUPPORTERS.

I'M NOT A SUPPORTER.

I'M AN ADMAN, TRYING TO DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS

AMONG YOUR RICH AND POWERFUL FRIENDS.

HUH.

AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST.

AND I FIGURE THE BEST WAY TO GET IN WITH THEM

IS TO GET IN WITH YOU,

SO IF YOU EVER GET TIRED

OF PISSING AWAY YOUR PALS' MILLIONS

ON AN AD CAMPAIGN THAT HAS YOU POSITIONED

EXACTLY WHERE YOUR ADVISORS WANT YOU TO BE...

GIVE ME A CALL.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

OH, IT'S 5:30.

IT'S SO EARLY.

YEAH, CLASS IS A.
8:00.

COME BACK HERE.

JUST FOR A MINUTE.

AH... HO-HO.

I THOUGHT WE COULD...

YEAH, I WANT TO HIT THE GYM BEFORE CLASS. THERE'S TIME.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD HELP ME MAKE A LITTLE...

CUP OF LOVE.

MAYBE LATER.

OH, COME ON. YOU'RE SO HOT.

IT WON'T TAKE ME VERY LONG.

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT I GET IT TO MEL AND LINZ

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT I GET TO THE GYM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

OKAY, I HAVE TO GO...

NOW.

YOU HARDLY SAID A WORD THE ENTIRE FLIGHT...

OR LAST NIGHT EVEN.

IF IT WAS ME,

I WOULD BE RUNNING AROUND, TELLING EVERYONE.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S GOING TO BE A STAR!"

GREAT.

HEY, COULD WE GO TO THE DINER?

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW OFF,

YOU GOTTA LET ME DO IT FOR YOU.

WAIT.

WHAT'S WRONG?

GLEN SAID IF I SIGN WITH HIM, I HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT.

STRAIGHT?

I CAN'T BE OUT. NOBODY CAN KNOW I'M GAY.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE SAID IT WAS A CONDITION OF THE CONTRACT

THAT I COULDN'T BE SEEN WITH YOU IN PUBLIC,

OR ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.

WHA... THAT'S TOTALLY FUCKED.

IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, SO WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO

WITH PLAYING THE VIOLIN?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ALBUM COVER,

HAVING SOME YOUNG HOT STUD WITH TUSSLED HAIR,

SHIRT UNBUTTONED DOWN TO HERE,

STROKING HIS VIOLIN.

BUT YOU'RE A SERIOUS ARTIST.

YEAH WELL, IF THAT'S ALL HE CARED ABOUT,

HE'D BE TALKING TO LING LIU.

YOU KNOW, ALL GLEN AND THE RECORD COMPANIES

CARE ABOUT IS PURSE POWER.

ALL THOSE YOUNG WOMEN WHO SPEND BILLIONS A YEAR ON CDs,

WHO PROBABLY THINK PAGANINI IS A BRAND OF FROZEN PIZZA,

WHO MIGHT NOT BUY ETHAN GOLD'S LATEST CD

IF THEY KNEW HE WAS...

FUCK.

WELL, WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE US?

TOGETHER. 'CAUSE I'M NOT SIGNING.

ARE YOU SURE?

IT'S YOUR BIG BREAK.

IT'S ALSO MY TALENT,

MY HARD WORK...

MY LIFE, MY DECISION...

AND MY BOYFRIEND.

BRIAN, YOU WON'T BELIEVE ...

ANY CALLS? NO, BUT YOU'LL...

WELL, DID BROWN'S SEND THEIR PROOFS BACK YET? THEY CAME YESTERDAY,

BUT THE HELL WITH BROWN'S. IT...

IT WON'T MATTER WHEN I TELL YOU WHO'S...

CHIEF STOCKWELL. GOOD MORNING, MR. KINNEY,

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY DROPPING BY UNANNOUNCED.

ACTUALLY, I WAS EXPECTING YOU.

I WANTED MY ADVISORS, NANCY HENDERSON AND DOMINIC SCOLOTTO,

TO MEET YOU, AND TO HEAR FIRSTHAND WHAT YOU TOLD ME

IN THE MEN'S ROOM THE OTHER NIGHT.

WHAT, TO MAKE SURE YOU FLUSH?

OR THAT YOU'RE PISSING AWAY THE MONEY

YOU'VE SPENT ON YOUR AD CAMPAIGN.

WHICH AMOUNTS TO THE SAME THING.

MR. KINNEY, DO YOU MIND IF I ASK,

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RUNNING A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN?

NOT A GODDAMN THING.

THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?

BECAUSE WHAT KINNEY SAID IS TRUE,

AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S HAD THE BALLS TO SAY IT.

PLEASE CONTINUE.

WELL, LIKE I WAS SAYING, I MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT POLITICS,

BUT I DO KNOW WHAT SELLS.

AND RIGHT NOW, YOU'VE GOT A PRODUCT THAT NO ONE'S BUYING.

YOU MAKE HIM SOUND LIKE A BOX OF CORN FLAKES.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE IS.

LUCKY FOR YOU, SELLING CORN FLAKES IS WHAT I DO BEST.

MR. KINNEY...

JIM STOCKWELL HAS A 15-YEAR RECORD OF FIGHTING CRIME.

AS CHIEF OF POLICE, HE'S DEFENDED NOT ONLY OUR STREETS,

BUT OUR TRADITIONS, OUR MORAL VALUES.

HIS MANDATE TO SERVE IS BASED UPON THAT COMMITMENT.

WOULD YOU MIND SPARING ME THE BULLSHIT RHETORIC?

WE ALL KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY,

YOUR FLAG, YOUR MOTHER,

BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO GET YOU ARRESTED.

OR IN THIS CASE, ELECTED. WHAT WILL?

SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE THE CONSUMER WANT TO BUY YOUR BRAND

RATHER THAN THE COMPETITION.

SOMETHING THAT WILL ATTRACT THEIR ATTENTION

FOR MORE THAN 15 MINUTES.

SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU POP.

THIS ONE'S A STEAL.

BRAND NEW. NEVER BEEN OCCUPIED.

THE BUILDER WENT BANKRUPT, SO...

I'M SURE YOU COULD GET IT FOR A SONG.

WELL, I'M ENJOYING THE MUSIC.

I SAY WE GO FOR IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU, EM? DON'T YOU LOVE IT?

WELL, LOVE'S A... VERY STRONG WORD.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY MY DREAM HOUSE.

OF COURSE, UH, YOU HAVE TO PICTURE IT

WITH YOUR POSSESSIONS,

YOUR FURNITURE, PRINTS ON THE WALL...

RIGHT, USE A LITTLE IMAGINATION.

OH, I-I AM.

AND, UM... AND WITH A LITTLE IMAGINATION,

I'M PICTURING...

A PLACE LIKE THIS.

THIS WAS BUILT IN THE '40s.

BATHROOMS AND KITCHEN, ALL ORIGINAL.

AND DON'T YOU JUST ADORE

THE LITTLE PICKET FENCE OUT FRONT

WITH THE ROSEBUSHES? YEAH...

IT'S GOT SUCH, UM... SUCH CHARACTER.

YEAH, IT'S GOT CHARACTER, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE ONE TO LIVE HERE.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING THE MATTER. IT NEEDS NEW PLUMBING,

NEW WIRING, A NEW ROOF.

I MEAN, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT WOULD COST

TO RENOVATE THIS PLACE?

IT COULD USE A LITTLE UPDATING.

WHAT IT COULD USE IS A WRECKING BALL.

I SAY WE GO WITH THIS ONE.

IT'S IN MOVEIN CONDITION.

IT'S SO... COLD. CONTEMPORARY.

DEVOID OF PERSONALITY. FULL OF POSSIBILITIES.

A BARGAIN. A WISE INVESTMENT.

I SAY WE GO WITH THIS ONE.

IT'S DECREPIT. LIVED-IN.

RUN-DOWN. CHARMING.

CLAUSTROPHOBIC. COSY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JENNIFER?

YEAH, JENNIFER, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK...

THAT I'LL JUST LET YOU GUYS TALK IT OVER.

HERE YOU GO, GIRLS.

TWO PINK PLATE SPECIALS.

OH, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

WE ONLY ORDERED A TUNA MELT... TO SHARE.

OH, I MUSTA GOTTEN THE ORDER WRONG.

YOU NEVER GET THE ORDER WRONG.

SHH. WE'RE FAMILY NOW.

WE MAY NOT BE FAMILY FOR LONG

UNLESS MICHAEL COMES THROUGH.

'SCUSE ME?

DID I JUST HEAR...

MY BELOVED SON'S NAME MENTIONED?

MELANIE WAS JUST SAYING...

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING, MEL?

WE... W-WE'RE IN A BIT OF A TIME CRUNCH.

THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY. MICHAEL CAN DO THIS.

HE'S A REDBLOODED ALLAMERICAN GAY BOY,

WHICH MEANS HE HAS A WHACK-ATTACK,

OH, THREE, FOUR TIMES A DAY.

WELL, THEN HE BETTER START WHACKING.

WE ONLY HAVE A THREE-DAY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.

SPEAKING OF WINDOWS,

DO YOU MIND IF I PUT THIS UP IN YOURS?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

SAY HEY TO MY NEW ACCOUNT.

THAT FASCIST PIG?

OH, IT'S LIKE "WOODSTOCK REMEMBERED".

I'LL HAVE A REGULAR COFFEE TO GO.

JESUS, BRIAN, YOU KNOW HOW STOCKWELL

FEELS ABOUT GAY PEOPLE.

HOW COULD YOU SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL?

I HAVEN'T SOLD MY SOUL,

I'M JUST BILLING FOR TIME AND EXPENSES.

WELL, ANYTHING YOU DO

TO HELP HIM GET ELECTED IS HURTING US.

HERE'S YOUR ORDER, PIPING HOT.

SCALD YOURSELF.

THANKS FOR THE TIP, DEB.

EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T LEAVE YOU ONE.

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD

LEFT WITH A LITTLE INTEGRITY.

ETHAN WAS OFFERED A CONTRACT WITH A BIG AGENT,

AND HE TURNED IT DOWN

'CAUSE THEY WANTED SUNSHINE HERE OUT OF THE PICTURE.

MMM!

ETHAN DID THAT?

IT WOULD'VE MEANT CONCERT DATES,

EVEN A RECORD DEAL.

SO NOW HE'S BACK ON THE STREET, PLAYING FOR PEANUTS?

SOMEONE SHOULD TELL HIM THERE'S NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT BEING POOR.

MMM...

OW! FUCK!

OOPS.

JERKING OFF USED TO BE FUN.

IT WAS... IT WAS SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

AND NOW IT'S... NOW IT'S THIS OBLIGATION.

YOU KNOW, THERE... THERE'S THIS...

BIG TIME CLOCK HANGING OVER MY HEAD

AND PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING ME TO PERFORM

AND IT'S FUCKING HARD WORK.

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO COME ON DEMAND?

TRUST ME, IT CAN BE DONE.

LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.

YOU'RE CREATING A MENTAL BLOCK.

YOU JUST... YOU NEED TO RELAX, EASE INTO IT.

GET BEN TO GIVE YOU A HAND.

I TRIED THIS MORNING,

BUT HE PRACTICALLY BIT MY HEAD OFF.

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

WHO'S THAT?

THAT'S MY NEW SUPER-JERKER.

I HAVE YOU TO THANK.

IT'S "RAGING HARD-ON".

HE LOOKS GREAT ON-SCREEN.

AH, MOVE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S SEE YOU UNLEASH THOSE SUPERPOWERS.

ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, YEAH, YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX.

STOP FRETTING, 'CAUSE YOU'LL SEE A HOT GUY,

YOU'LL GET TURNED ON, YOU...

MICHAEL?

TEDDY?

YEAH?

DO YOU HAVE A CUP?

A CUP?

A CUP. UH...

YEAH, A CUP, UH...

OH, A CUP. A CUP.

TA DA!

SUCCESS! AT LAST!

I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT.

SOME IDIOT IN A PICK-UP ALMOST HIT ME. THANKS, SWEETIE.

HONEY!

SURE, LINZ.

NO PROBLEM. GOOD LUCK.

GOT IT!

MICHAEL'S SPERM.

OH, THERE'S A... LOT OF IT.

WE KNEW HE WAS GENEROUS.

NOW, QUICK, GET YOUR LEGS UP.

MEL, THIS ISN'T THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES.

OH, RIGHT!

JUST THINK.

WE'RE MAKING A BABY.

A LIFE.

OKAY, NOW SPREAD YOUR LEGS.

WAIT, WAITWAIT-WAIT.

WE NEED TO EXPERIENCE THIS MOMENT.

SWEETIE...

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

OKAY?

YOU READY?

YEAH.

AFTER WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH,

I COULD USE A NIGHT OF BABYLON

TO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF PUSSY.

WHO TOLD YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT?

I COULDN'T HELP IT, YOU KNOW?

KNOWING I WAS SENDING MY LITTLE SOLDIERS OFF TO DO BATTLE.

I'M SURE THEY KNEW IT WAS FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

I WONDER IF IT WORKED.

THE OLD TURKEY BASTER'S PUT MORE THAN ONE BIRD IN THE OVEN.

AH, FUCK. I'LL MEET YOU THERE. OKAY.

KEEP YOUR MONEY, I DON'T NEED IT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

YOU'RE STILL WORKING THE STREETS LIKE ANY OTHER WHORE.

I'M NOT A WHORE.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THEY PEDDLE THEIR ASSES,

YOU'RE SELLING YOUR MUSIC,

YOUR... FORGIVE THE EXPRESSION, SOUL.

AND WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT,

FORGIVE THE EXPRESSION, SOUL?

I KNOW THAT YOU MUST'VE WORKED EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE

SINCE YOU WERE A KID...

PLAYING IT TILL YOUR FINGERS WERE NUMB.

POURING YOUR HEART INTO EVERY MEASURE TO MAKE IT PERFECT.

SO THAT ONE DAY YOU WOULD BE A GREAT ARTIST.

BUT...

WHO'S GOING TO HEAR YOU NOW?

WHY DO YOU GIVE A SHIT?

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD.

THEY WANTED ME TO SELL OUT.

YOU SHOULD DO IT.

SO YOU CAN GET JUSTIN BACK?

I DON'T WANT HIM.

I JUST HATE TO SEE SOMEONE HOLDING ONTO THEIR INTEGRITY

FOR NO GOOD REASON.

I'D EXPECT YOU TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU PROBABLY WOULDA PLAYED FOR THE NAZIS TOO.

IF IT HAD KEPT ME ALIVE FOR ONE MORE DAY,

YOU'RE GODDAMN FUCKING RIGHT I WOULD.

ALL THEY'RE ASKING IS FOR YOU TO PLAY THEIR GAME.

IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL FIGURE OUT A WAY

TO PLAY IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

I'D RATHER WORK THE STREET, THANK YOU.

THAT'S YOUR CALL.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT BEING POOR.

THE ONE I LIKE IS IN MOVE-IN CONDITION,

A PERFECT SPACE AT A PERFECT PRICE.

AND THE ONE I LIKE HAS THE SWEETEST, LITTLE KITCHEN

WITH A BREAKFAST NOOK, AND A BACK ROOM...

A BACK ROOM?

THAT WE CAN CONVERT INTO A DEN...

TURN IT INTO A FULLYEQUIPPED DUNGEON

YOU CAN SELL TO SOME LEATHER QUEEN

FOR TWICE WHAT YOU PAID FOR IT.

LOOK, EM, I KNOW YOU LOVE THAT HOUSE.

IT'S THE HOUSE OF YOUR DREAMS,

BUT DREAMS AREN'T PRACTICAL.

NOW, I HAPPEN TO KNOW ABOUT PROPERTY VALUES

AND INVESTMENT POSSIBILITIES,

AND I'M TELLING YOU... A-A-ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, TEDDY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY,

BEING "PRACTICAL",

WE WILL GO WITH THE HOUSE THAT YOU LIKE.

O-OKAY? IT... IT-IT-IT-IT'S... IT'S FINE.

NOW CAN WE PLEASE, PLEASE,

TALK ABOUT SOMETHING MORE PLEASANT?

ISN'T THAT THE SECOND ONE THAT'S O.D.ed TONIGHT?

MUST BE A BAD BATCH.

OR SOME DUMB KID WHO SHOULD KNOW NOT TO TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS.

IT NEVER CHANGES.

SOMEBODY DROPS. WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE DEAD OR ALIVE,

AND NOBODY MISSES A BEAT.

THE THUMPATHUMPA GOES ON.

SO WHO WANTS ANOTHER COSMO?

HEY, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT THE GYM.

I WAS MISSING YOU.

YOU STILL LOVE ME?

MMM, SO HOW ABOUT...

WE FIND A DARK, SECLUDED CORNER

WHERE I CAN KISS YOU AND SUCK YOU AND... I'D LOVE TO,

BUT I-I PROMISED MEL AND LINZ

I'D BRING THEM ANOTHER LOAD. JESUS CHRIST!

SINCE WHEN DO THESE THESE FUCKING LESBIANS

CONTROL OUR LIFE?

IT'S ONLY FOR A COUPLE MORE DAYS.

FORGET IT.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

EVERYTHING SEEMS TO PISS YOU OFF THESE DAYS,

ESPECIALLY ME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

THE DOORS THAT WOULD OPEN FOR US

IF STOCKWELL WERE ELECTED?

HIS CORPORATE BACKERS WOULD BE HURLING THEMSELVES AT US

TO HANDLE THEIR ACCOUNTS.

IT COULD BE THE CRITICAL MASS WE NEED

TO LAUNCH THE NEW YORK OFFICE.

IF HE WINS, AND...

IF HE COMES BACK.

YOUR FAVOURITE CLIENT IS IN THERE, WAITING FOR YOU.

HMM, THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, CYNTHIA.

COULDN'T HE CALL FIRST?

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

MORNING, JIM.

GOOD MORNING.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET GARDNER VANCE.

HE'S MY PARTNER IN THE FIRM.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASURE HAVING YOU WITH US.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

I BELIEVE I'VE FOUND SOMETHING

THAT'LL MAKE ME POP.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

A CELEBRATION.

THAT STUFF'S NOT CHEAP.

COST ME MY ENTIRE DAY'S WAGES,

BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT.

SO, WHAT'RE WE CELEBRATING?

YOU AND ME, BEING TOGETHER...

I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS?

WHY WOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN?

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SIGNING THE DEAL.

WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

I CAN'T PLAY ON THE STREET FOREVER.

NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO.

BUT THIS GUY...

WANTS YOU TO DENY WHO YOU ARE...

TO DENY US.

THERE'S NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT BEING POOR.

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

SO WHEN YOU'RE SAYING

THAT WE'LL BE TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT,

HOW EXACTLY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

WE'LL MAKE IT AN ADVENTURE.

SECRET RENDEZVOUS, TORRID ENCOUNTERS.

I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET ONCE,

I'M NOT GOING BACK IN.

I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO.

ALL I'M SAYING IS PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHO WE ARE...

OR WHAT WE MEAN TO EACH OTHER.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT WE KNOW.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP BACK IN HAZELHURST,

MY FAMILY WAS SO POOR THAT ONE YEAR,

WE ALL HAD TO LIVE IN A TENT.

THAT IS POOR.

TRAILER TRASH WOULD'VE BEEN A STEP UP FOR US.

AND AS FOR HAVING OUR OWN HOUSE,

GOD, THAT WAS BEYOND EVEN MY WILDEST DREAMS.

WELL, NOW YOU'RE FINALLY GOING TO HAVE ONE. MMM.

EVEN IF IT'S NOT THAT SWEET LITTLE COTTAGE.

MMM, MICHAEL, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT.

IT WAS SO WARM, SO WELCOMING.

YOU... YOU WALK THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, AND...

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I AM GONNA COUNT MY BLESSINGS

AND BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I'VE GOT:

A GOOD DEAL...

A SMART INVESTMENT...

AND SOMEHOW I'LL LEARN TO LOVE IT.

HEY! HEY.

MMM, THEY ACCEPTED OUR OFFER.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU GUYS ARE HOMEOWNERS.

HOW EXCITING! THERE'S NOTHING LIKE OWNING

THE ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. EVEN WHEN IT LEAKS.

AND HAVING YOUR OWN BACKYARD.

EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE TO KEEP RESEEDING IT

'CAUSE THE GODDAMN CRABGRASS KILLS EVERYTHING.

OR KNOWING THAT IF THE COLD,

COLD WORLD TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT,

IT'S STILL YOURS TO KEEP YOU WARM.

EVEN IF THE FUCKING FURNACE KEEPS BREAKING DOWN.

VIC!

I'M SURE YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY THERE.

I KNOW IT.

OH, GOD. LOOK AT THESE GORGEOUS ROSEBUSHES.

AND THAT CUTE LITTLE PICKET FENCE.

NO-NO. NO-NO-NO.

THOSE... THOSE ARE THE WRONG PICTURES.

THAT'S ANOTHER HOUSE.

NO, THOSE ARE THE CORRECT PICTURES.

NO... THAT'S...

OUR NEW HOUSE.

JENNIFER WAS BRILLIANT.

SHE GOT THEM TO KNOCK THE PRICE DOWN.

BUT, LOOK, EVEN IF SHE HADN'T...

I WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY. SO...

TEDDY...

OH MY GOD.

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!

... AFTERMATH OF THREE DRUG OVERDOSES AT BABYLON.

LOOK. SHH, SHH.

LAST NIGHT'S UNFORTUNATE AND TRAGIC INCIDENT

HAS REAFFIRMED MY COMMITMENT TO PUT AN END

TO THE CORRUPTION AND DRUG USE

THAT PLAGUE CERTAIN PARTS OF OUR CITY.

WHY DOESN'T HE JUST SAY LIBERTY AVENUE?

AS MAYOR, I WILL INTENSIFY MY FIGHT

TO TAKE BACK THE STREETS...

SINCE WHEN ARE THEY HIS?

TO PROTECT OUR KIDS,

TO MAKE PITTSBURGH FAMILY FRIENDLY.

"FAMILY"? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE?

FUCK OFF.

I'M BUSY.

FUCK OFF.

YOU SHOULD TAKE A NUMBER, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

AND YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR BIG FUCKING MOUTH SHUT.

I WASN'T THE ONE GIVING THE BLOW JOB.

WHAT DID YOU TELL ETHAN?

THE TRUTH.

"THERE'S NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT BEING POOR"?

OH, HE ACTUALLY LISTENED.

HE MORE THAN LISTENED. HE SIGNED THE PAPERS.

GOOD FOR HIM.

WHAT? THAT HE SOLD OUT?

MAYBE HIS RECORDINGS'LL DO THE SAME,

ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY, I COULD NEVER REALLY STAND VIOLIN MUSIC.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TORTURING A CAT.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU EXPECT HIM TO SACRIFICE HIS CAREER

FOR A PIECE OF BLONDE BOY ASS?

IS THAT YOUR IDEA OF TRUE LOVE, SUNSHINE?