Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript

AND OUR NEXT CONTESTANT...

MICHAEL NOVOTNY!

AND HERE COMES TED SCHMIDT!

A NEW ENTRY...

JUSTIN TAYLOR!

ALWAYS A FAVOURITE, BRIAN KINNEY!

A REAL CROWD-PLEASER...

EMMETT HONEYCUTT!

AND LET'S HEAR IT FOR BEN BRUCKNER!

AND THE WINNER IS...

BRIAN KINNEY!



NO!

WHAT IS IT?

OH, I HAD THAT DREAM.

AGAIN.

THE MR. SPERMDONOR PAGEANT?

WHO WON THIS TIME?

GUESS.

MAYBE IT'S SOME KIND OF SIGN.

FUCK.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I WANT SOMEONE ELSE.

BUT WE AGREED IT'S IMPORTANT OUR KIDS SHOULD HAVE THE SAME PARENT.

WE DIDN'T AGREE IT SHOULD BE THE SAME ASSHOLE. FINE.

WE'LL PULL A NAME OUT OF A HAT.

LET'S GET SOME SLEEP,



BEFORE THE ALARM GOES OFF.

LOOK, I KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO YOU.

HE ALWAYS HAS,

AND HE ALWAYS WILL.

BUT HE DOESN'T MEAN THE SAME TO ME.

TO EAT, OR NOT TO EAT?

TRY ONE.

YOU KNOW I'M TRYING TO WATCH MY WEIGHT.

ONE'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

WATER...

WATER.

WATER!

OOO, GOD.

MMM...

JESUS. YOU SAID IT WASN'T GOING TO KILL ME.

WHAT THE HELL'S IN THOSE THINGS?

CHILI POWDER, TABASCO, PEPPERS...

SOUPCON OF SULPHURIC ACID FOR THAT EXTRA LITTLE KICK.

MEET OUR NEWEST ACCOUNT, HOT P'TATERS.

I DEFY YOU TO MAKE THESE SEXY.

THAT'S ACTUALLY...

"HOTTER THAN YOUR DATE LAST SATURDAY NIGHT."

YEAH, GENIUS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE'S DOING,

I HAVE TO SEE HIM.

I'M SORRY, BRIAN. AH, SHE INSISTED.

BRIAN, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

THE SCHOOL JUST CALLED.

PETER BROKE HIS ARM AT SOCCER PRACTICE.

GARDNER... MY SISTER, CLAIRE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A FAMILY CRISIS.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU SORT IT OUT.

PLEASURE.

I HAVE TO GET TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? CAN YOU HELP ME?

CAN YOU LOOK AFTER JOHN?

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M WORKING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO WITH HIM.

STICK HIM IN A LOCKER AT THE BUS STATION.

YOU EVER HEARD OF A SITTER? YOU EXPECT ME

TO FIND SOMEONE ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE,

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?

LEAVE HIM WITH MOM.

MOM'S... INDISPOSED.

IS SHE PASSED OUT DRUNK ON THE FLOOR AGAIN?

BRIAN, PLEASE,

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE? I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I'LL CALL AS SOON AS I HEAR.

OKAY, YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF, DO YOU HEAR ME?

YOU STILL A FAG?

HERE.

HAVE ONE.

HAVE TWO.

LOOK AT THAT BONE STRUCTURE,

THOSE ADORABLE SEASHELL EARS.

AND HE'S INCREDIBLY TALENTED.

HE'S ONLY 19.

WELL, ISN'T THAT A PLUS? FRESH, YOUNG SPERM?

TO ME, HE'S STILL A BABY.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT HAVING A BABY WITH A BABY.

OKAY.

BEN'S BRAINY AND BRAWNY.

I'D SAY HE'S JUST ABOUT PERFECT EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

RIGHT.

THERE'S ALWAYS TED.

AH, GOOD OLD RELIABLE TEDDY.

EMMETT?

UH, YOU TRY IT.

TEDDY!

WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

IT'S CALLED A DINER.

HEY, BRI, GET YOURSELF A NEW BOYFRIEND?

YEAH, HE'S EVEN YOUNGER THAN THE LAST ONE!

AH HA HA.

GOD, I HOPE NOBODY SEES ME.

SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

WHO'S THE CUTIE?

IT'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN AND MY SISTER.

THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED A FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.

BOTH SIDES.

IS SHE A DRAG QUEEN?

SO, WHAT CAN I GET YA, HONEY?

I'M NOT EATING ANYTHING IN HERE.

BRING HIM A BURGER WITH EXTRA GROUND GLASS.

HEY.

HEY. I WANT TO GO TO THE ARCADE IN THE MALL.

I GO THERE EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL.

DOES YOUR MAMA KNOW?

SHE THINKS I'M AT CHOIR PRACTICE.

BET YOU'D LIKE THAT.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH YOUR NEPHEW?

I'M BRAT-SITTING.

HI, JOHN. I'M MICHAEL.

I'M BRIAN'S FRIEND. YOU REMEMBER ME?

NO.

WHY DON'T YOU BRING HIM BY THE STORE?

I HAVE GOT A COMIC BOOK STORE IF YOU WANT TO COME BY.

IT'S JUST DOWN THE STREET.

YOU GOT THE NEW "AVENGERS"?

I GOT EVERYTHING.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP BY AND CHECK IT OUT?

I GIVE FREE SAMPLES.

CAN WE, UNCLE BRI?

ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE RELATED.

WASN'T THAT SWEET OF MICHAEL?

YEAH, HE'S A REAL MENSCH.

AND WOULDN'T GIVE US ANY TROUBLE.

DO YOU WANT TO HAND ME THAT LIGHT BULB, BABE?

CAN I HAVE THIS SPIDER-MAN TOO?

MM-HMM.

DON'T BE SO FUCKING GREEDY.

HE'S ALREADY GIVEN YOU A SHITLOAD.

IT'S YOURS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

THANKS, MIKE.

YOU TWO WANT A KID?

ACTUALLY, I HAVE GIVEN THAT SERIOUS THOUGHT...

BECAUSE THE STUDIES SHOW THAT TWO MEN ARE EVERY BIT AS CAPABLE

OF RAISING A CHILD... PSST.

I MEAN THIS ONE.

COME ON.

AW. I DON'T WANNA GO.

WE ALL HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.

STOP PULLING ME, ASSHOLE.

GODDAMN FAG.

YOU WERE GREAT WITH HIM, YOU KNOW THAT?

KIDS LOVE ME. DON'T ASK ME WHY.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

GOD, YOU'RE HARD!

YEAH, YOU TOO.

DO YOU HAVE THE NEW "SUPERMAN"?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.

IT'S, UH, RIGHT OVER THERE.

THOSE WORKOUTS HAVE REALLY BEEN PAYING OFF.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU AT DINNER?

UH, I THOUGHT WOULD, UH, HIT THE GYM TONIGHT...

AND PUT IN SOME EXTRA TIME

ON MY CHEST AND STOMACH.

BUT I THOUGHT WE MADE PLANS.

SO WE'LL CHANGE THEM.

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM, IS IT?

NO.

NOT A PROBLEM.

YOU'RE A WONDER.

I AM?

I'VE KNOWN YOU... HOW LONG? FIVE, SIX YEARS?

I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD COOK.

MMM, THAT'S BECAUSE I NEVER HAD ANYONE TO COOK FOR.

HMM. NOW THAT I DO,

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE DELIGHTS I PLAN TO WHIP UP.

WELL, I CAN HARDLY WAIT... FOR DESSERT.

HMM. MMM.

JUST A MINUTE. I JUST... I WANT TO CLEAN UP.

EVERYTHING'S ALREADY CLEAN.

THE KITCHEN'S PRACTICALLY SPOTLESS.

WELL, YOU KNOW ME,

CAN'T RELAX UNTIL EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.

GOD, WHEN I COOK,

THE KITCHEN LOOKS LIKE A HURRICANE HIT.

SORRY. NOPE.

WELL, THIS'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

THIS IS SO NICE.

MMM.

I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO.

WHO'S GOING ANYWHERE?

I MEAN...

IT'S SO...

INCONVENIENT,

YOU ALWAYS HAVING TO RUN BACK AND FORTH TO YOUR PLACE.

WELL, SOMETIMES ONE... DOES NEED A FRESH PAIR OF UNDIES.

YEAH, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE MORE PRACTICAL

IF THE UNDIES CAME TO YOU, RATHER THAN YOU GOING TO THE UNDIES?

TEDDY, ARE... ARE YOU SAYING...

WHY NOT MOVE IN?

YOU... YOU MEAN... LIVE TOGETHER.

SHACK UP.

"SHACK UP".

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.

BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TOO SOON?

YEAH.

PROBABLY RIGHT. I MEAN, WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER

HOW LONG? FIVE, SIX YEARS?

WE SHOULD WAIT AT LEAST ANOTHER FIVE MORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

LOVING SOMEONE AND LIVING TOGETHER ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

WHAT IF WE DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY?

WELL... WON'T KNOW UNLESS WE TRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WELL, AS...

LONG AS I WON'T BE IN THE WAY.

HOW COULD YOU EVER BE IN THE WAY?

PUT THAT THERE.

WON'T LEAVE A SPOT.

JUST SHUT UP.

OKAY, GUS, GIMME YOUR HAPPY FACE.

NOW LET ME SEE YOUR... SAD FACE?

OOO, SAD FACE. OOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD WITH KIDS.

YEAH, GUS ADORES YOU.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M A PUSH-OVER.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A GOOD HEART.

THAT'S WHAT MY MOM ALWAYS TELLS ME.

SHE SAYS, "MICHAEL, YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A GOOD HEART?

IT GETS THE S-H-I-T KICKED OUT OF IT."

SHE'S JUST KIDDING.

I THINK SHE SECRETLY WISHES THAT I WAS MORE LIKE BRIAN.

NO HEART?

YEAH, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITIES A PERSON CAN HAVE

IS A KIND AND LOVING NATURE.

I AGREE.

IT'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING WE INTEND TO INSTIL IN GUS.

AND SOMETHING WE WANT OUR...

SECOND CHILD TO HAVE AS WELL.

YOU'RE HAVING ANOTHER KID?

MM-HMM.

HEY, GUS, MAKE ANOTHER HAPPY FACE!

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY BROTHER...

OR A BABY SISTER.

AND THIS TIME...

I'M GOING TO CARRY IT.

NO SHIT?

SORRY.

UM, THAT'S GREAT.

WHICH IS WHY WE ASKED YOU TO STOP BY.

WHY, YOU WANT ME TO BABYSIT?

IT'S A LITTLE EARLY, ISN'T IT?

WE'D LIKE YOU TO BE THE FATHER.

ME?

YEAH.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

YOU DO?

WHAT, FATHERING A CHILD?

HELPING MELANIE AND LINDSAY CREATE A FAMILY?

BUT IT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, I MEAN, BRINGING A...

A HUMAN BEING INTO THE WORLD NOW. I...

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY TO BE "THE OLD MAN", YOU KNOW?

UH... YOU ARE...

MORE READY THAN YOU THINK.

YOU WANT A SHOWER?

STILL, IT IS EXCITING, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

I JUST BETTER NOT FUCK IT UP.

HOW COULD YOU FUCK IT UP?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, MICHAEL, IS...

SUPPLY THE SPERM.

I WISH WE COULD HAVE ONE.

YEAH. THAT'D BE A FIRST.

YOU COULD CARRY IT.

AND LOSE MY FIGURE?

FINE, I'LL CARRY IT.

I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN WRITING TOO MANY

FANTASTICAL ADVENTURES, YOUNG MAN.

STILL, IT'S A NICE THOUGHT, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

PUT IT BACK.

I SAID, PUT IT BACK IN THE FUCKING WALLET. NOW.

WHAT FOR? YOU'VE GOT MORE MONEY THAN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT, YOUR MOMMY?

SHE SAID YOU WERE A SELFISH SON OF A BITCH

WHO NEVER GAVE ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY A RED CENT.

YEAH, I WONDER WHY.

NOW HAND IT OVER.

YOU FUCKING GODDAMN FAGGOT!

YOU AND YOUR FAGGOT FRIENDS ARE GOING TO HELL!

YEAH, REALLY?

WHO TOLD YOU THAT? GRANNY?

YOU TOUCHED MY DICK!

AH!

YOU LITTLE SHIT!

OW... OW! AH!

LET ME GO, BUTT-FUCKER!

ASSHOLE, LET ME GO!

AH!

THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH FAGGOTS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY!

YOU'RE GONNA BE SO SORRY!

WHERE'D YOU FIND THE HUNKY MOVING MEN?

UNDER "HUNKY MOVING MEN" IN THE GAY YELLOW PAGES.

ACTUALLY, THEY'RE PINK.

THEY'RE LIBERTY AVENUE'S TOP MOVERS.

THAT ONE'S A BOTTOM. TRUST ME.

IT'S A WALKING WET DREAM.

WELL, DON'T GET TOO TURNED ON.

YOU GOT TO SAVE YOUR CUM

TO SQUIRT UP MELANIE'S TWAT.

OUR LITTLE MIKEY...

SIRING AN OFFSPRING.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU TWO WILL BE RELATED?

YEAH, LESBIANS ONCE REMOVED.

WELL, I THINK IT'S EXCITING,

BRINGING A KID INTO THE WORLD.

I KNOW ONE I'D LIKE TO HELP LEAVE.

YOUR NEPHEW'S JUST GOING THROUGH A PHASE.

THE SOCIOPATHIC YEARS?

I CAUGHT HIM TRYING TO RIP ME OFF.

OH-H-H.

WHO SAYS MOVING'S SUCH A CHORE?

YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS SHOULD HOLD ON TO YOUR BOXES.

I GIVE IT 24 HOURS.

OH, OOPS.

STUFFED TOMATO.

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!

POT PIE. I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA.

GRILLED CHEESE. I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA.

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HER STOP?

LET HER GLOAT A LITTLE. I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA.

SHE NEVER IN HER WILDEST DREAMS THOUGHT SHE'D BE A GRANDMA.

AND HERE HE IS. BIG DADDY!

YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE PREMATURE, AREN'T YOU?

I MEAN, CAN'T YOU WAIT FOR AT LEAST, SAY...

CONCEPTION?

SO WHEN DO YOU MAKE YOUR FIRST DEPOSIT?

WE HAVEN'T DISCUSSED IT.

WELL, THESE THINGS DON'T HAPPEN BY MAGIC.

THEY TAKE PLANNING AND PREPARATION.

WHAT KIND OF SHORTS ARE YOU WEARING?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WELL, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT TOO TIGHT...

'CAUSE TIGHTNESS CONSTRICTS YOUR BALLS.

AW, YOU GET A HEAT WAVE DOWN THERE

AND YOUR LITTLE SOLDIERS'LL BE DECIMATED.

GET YOURSELF SOME FRUIT OF THE LOOMS.

BIG, BAGGY BOXERS.

VIC'LL LOAN YOU HIS.

THANKS A LOT.

AND CUT BACK ON THE SEX, HUH?

YOU GOT TO SAVE UP YOUR PAYLOAD.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL HIT THE GYM.

VIC, DEBBIE, SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, HONEY.

LET ME OUT, SIS.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

TO GET MICHAEL A PAIR OF MY BIG, BAGGY FRUIT OF THE LOOMS.

BEN! YOU MIND IF I WALK WITH YOU?

NO. ALL THAT BABY TALK.

I-I'M THRILLED FOR MICHAEL AND THE GIRLS.

I NEVER WANTED KIDS, MYSELF.

I DID. OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN NOW.

ONE OF THE WAYS WE'RE NOT LIKE "THEM" ANY MORE.

I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

SOME DAYS, I EVEN SUCCEED.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUT THEN SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS TO REMIND ME:

A TOUCH OF THE FLU, SOMEONE DONATING SPERM,

A LOVER WHO DIES... VIC...

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

TURN AROUND.

SORRY.

YEAH!

BRIAN KINNEY?

WHO'S THAT?

OH, YOU CAUGHT ME.

FUCK.

WHERE'D WE MEET?

UNIFORM NIGHT AT BABYLON?

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR, UH...

HANDCUFFS AND YOUR NIGHTSTICK.

I'M OFFICER HANDLEY, PITTSBURGH POLICE.

CHRIST. HUH. YOU'RE FOR REAL.

JESUS. YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME TO HEADQUARTERS, MR. KINNEY.

NOW YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? THANKS.

BEN AND I WERE UP TALKING ABOUT IT HALF THE NIGHT.

I THINK HE'S ALMOST AS EXCITED ABOUT IT AS I AM.

AND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S REQUIRED?

YEAH, UNLESS THEY'RE MAKING BABIES A NEW WAY THESE DAYS,

I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.

OKAY, THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN THIS.

"THE DONOR AGREES..."

"...NO PARENTAL RIGHTS..."

"...VISITATION STRICTLY BY PERMISSION."

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

IT'S JUST A FORMALITY.

FOR YOUR PROTECTION AS WELL AS OURS.

PROTECTION FROM WHAT?

AS YOU CAN SEE...

SECTION TWO, PARAGRAPH FOUR,

IT RELIEVES YOU OF ANY FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES WHATSOEVER.

"ONCE THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART HAS PERFORMED HIS FUNCTION,

HE IS FREE OF ANY FURTHER OBLIGA...

OBLIGATION."

THAT IS A RELIEF; KNOWING I'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE MY OWN KID.

WELL, YOU'LL KNOW THE BABY, MICHAEL, AND THE BABY WILL KNOW YOU.

WELL, SURE, WHEN HE-OR-SHE IS OLD ENOUGH,

YOU CAN EXPLAIN THAT I'M "THE DONOR".

THAT IS WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

I MUST'VE HEARD YOU WRONG, BECAUSE I SWEAR YOU SAID

YOU WANTED ME TO BE THE FATHER.

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH BRIAN

NOT WANTING TO GIVE UP HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS,

I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, AND I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND HOW HE MUST'VE FELT.

AND I SURE AS HELL UNDERSTAND

HOW A KID FEELS WHO DOESN'T HAVE A DAD,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

SO IF YOU NEED TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW,

MAKE EVERYTHING LEGAL AND ALL, THEN GO AHEAD.

I MEAN...

YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU. BUT...

SO DO I.

UH-H-H...

MICHAEL...

ALWAYS FINISH A MEAL WITH A SMILE.

HUH?

AND HERE...

USEFUL AND DECORATIVE.

I KNOW, AH, ETHAN'S JEWISH,

SO JUST TELL HIM TO IGNORE JESUS ON THE CROSS.

AND THIS IS MY FAVE.

IT'S BEEN IN VIC'S ROOM ALL THESE YEARS.

BUT I'M WILLING TO PART WITH IT.

IT'S TO REMIND YOU THAT WHEREVER YOU ARE,

I'M ALWAYS THERE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT THEM?

WELL, THEY'RE... THEY'RE FAMILY HEIRLOOMS, BUT, UH...

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU BOYS NEED THINGS, SO, I...

I'M PASSING THEM ON TO YOU AND ETHAN FOR SAFEKEEPING.

HI, VIC. DETECTIVE HORVATH.

SIS, YOUR DICK'S HERE.

HEY!

HI, HONEY. HEY, SWEETMEAT.

HETEROSEXUAL LOVE.

YOU SEE, JUSTIN? THEY'RE NOT THAT DIFFERENT FROM US.

I THOUGHT WE WERE ON TOMORROW NIGHT.

WE ARE.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

ONE OF YOUR...

LOST BOYS IS IN TROUBLE.

WHICH ONE? KINNEY.

BRIAN?

SOMETHING HAPPEN TO BRIAN?

IT SEEMS HIS 12-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW

HAS ACCUSED HIM OF MOLESTING HIM.

HOLY SHIT. THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THERE'S NO WAY BRIAN WOULD EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

HAS HE BEEN ARRESTED?

SO FAR THEY'RE JUST QUESTIONING HIM.

BRIAN MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS,

AND I'M THE FIRST ONE TO SAY SO.

BUT HE IS NO CHILD MOLESTER.

WELCOME HOME, HONEY.

HOW WAS WORK?

OH, THE USUAL.

ORGY, GANG RAPE, ENEMA-THON.

YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

YEAH, WELL...

GOT TO KEEP GIVING THOSE WEBSITE MEMBERS

THE KIND OF HIGHQUALITY ENTERTAINMENT THEY DESERVE.

HEY.

SO WHAT'S ALL THIS?

MY AUNT LULAH'S BILOXI-BATTERED CHICKEN.

SHE USED TO SAY SHE COULD DEEP-FAT-FRY A HORSE APPLE

AND THEY'D COME RUNNING.

AH, WELL, I GUESS I... I'M JUST GOING TO GO,

UH, WASH MY HANDS.

OH, UH, BY THE WAY, I HUNG A FEW THINGS UP IN THERE TO DRY.

I SEE.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND, UH, PUT YOUR FEET UP, HONEY?

DIN-DIN BE READY IN A MIN-MIN!

RIGHT.

WHAT, AH, WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LIVING ROOM?

OH, I, AH...

I FENG SHUI-ED IT.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

WELL, IT REALLY...

GIVES THE ROOM A FLOW.

UH, MY NAIL.

WHAT, TEDDY? UH, THERE WAS A BENT NAIL RIGHT THERE.

WHAT, THAT, UH, THAT RUSTY, OLD THING?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT RUSTY, OLD THING. WH-WHERE IS IT?

WELL, WHILE I WAS, UH, FENG SHUI-ING,

I-IT FELL ON THE FLOOR.

YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT WOULD BE

IF YOU STEPPED ON THAT IN YOUR BARE FEET?

YOU'D NEED A TETANUS SHOT.

YEAH, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?

I THREW IT OUT.

IT'S JUST AN OLD NAIL.

IT'S NOT JUST AN OLD NAIL.

IT'S PAVAROTTI'S OLD NAIL.

BEFORE EVERY PERFORMANCE,

HE HAS TO FIND A BENT NAIL BACKSTAGE FOR GOOD LUCK.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

THE NIGHT HE WAS IN TOWN PERFORMING "TURANDOT"

AT THE PITTSBURGH OPERA, HE FOUND THAT NAIL,

PICKED IT UP, KISSED IT, THREW IT OVER HIS SHOULDER,

AND I PICKED IT UP.

IT'S BEEN MY GOOD LUCK CHARM EVER SINCE.

NOW IT'S... IT'S JUST GONE?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TOUCHING IT.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TOUCHING ANYTHING!

YOU KNOW, I-I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU JUST PUT EVERYTHING BACK

THE WAY YOU FOUND IT. AND THAT INCLUDES REMOVING YOUR DRIPPING SHORTS FROM MY BATHROOM.

YOUR BATHROOM?

I'M SORRY, I-I THOUGHT IT WAS OUR... BATHROOM.

IN FACT, I-I THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR... PLACE.

APPARENTLY NOT.

WELL, LIKE YOU SAID,

HAVE TO FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER

WHETHER OR NOT WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER.

BETTER TO HAVE FOUND OUT SOONER.

HE TOLD THEM YOU MADE HIM SUCK YOUR COCK?

THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD MY CUNT-SISTER,

THAT'S WHAT MY CUNT-SISTER TOLD THE COPS.

I GAVE THAT LITTLE ASSHOLE FREE COMICS.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE HIM, DO THEY?

HUH. LISTEN UP, MICHAEL. ARE YOU LISTENING?

I'M LISTENING. THEY'RE HETEROSEXUALS.

THEY THINK ALL US PERVERTS ARE AFTER ONLY ONE THING:

TO GET OUR HANDS ON SOME SWEET PIECE OF LITTLE BOY MEAT.

SO ALL HE HAS TO DO IS ACCUSE YOU,

AND THEY AUTOMATICALLY BELIEVE HIM?

DUNNO, BUT NOW I HAVE TO USE THE MONEY

I WAS GOING TO SPEND ON MY BOTOX TREATMENTS

ON SOME GODDAMN $300-AN-HOUR LAWYER.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO ARREST YOU, ARE THEY?

HOW DO I KNOW? GIVE ME...

SHIT, YOU COULD GO TO PRISON!

DON'T GET YOURSELF ALL WORKED UP.

I'M HALF ITALIAN AND HALF DRAG-QUEEN.

I'M ALLOWED TO GET WORKED UP.

WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST...

WAIT AROUND FOR THEM TO COME AND TAKE YOU AWAY.

I DON'T INTEND TO.

OH SHIT.

OPEN THE DOOR. GO AWAY

OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I SAID OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

WHERE IS HE? GET OUT OF HERE, BRIAN!

JOHN!

GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE FUCK.

WHAT, YOU THINK I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO NEAR HIM, YOU SICK PERVERT?

YOU THINK I ACTUALLY MOLESTED YOUR SON?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF YOU HAD ASKED ME

BEFORE YOU CALLED THE COPS... WHY SHOULD I?

AND WHY WOULD HE MAKE IT UP?

BECAUSE YOUR KID IS A TWISTED,

FAG-HATING LIAR, CLAIRE. THAT'S WHY.

AND WHO'D HE LEARN THAT FROM?

OH... UH-HUH.

ENTER MOM, STAGE LEFT.

YOU HAVE A HELL OF A NERVE, SHOWING YOUR FACE.

AH. NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

WHAT? DON'T I GET A KISS?

STAY AWAY FROM ME. DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE. GOD ONLY KNOWS

WHAT PERMANENT DAMAGE YOU'VE DONE TO HIM.

WHAT? THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ALREADY?

YOU OUGHT TO BE LOCKED UP. PUT AWAY.

UH-HUH. THANKS, OLD SPORT. HAVE ANOTHER.

AND IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, YOU WILL BE.

HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD I WHAT?

MAKE LITTLE JOHNNY SUCK MY DICK?

I'M GOING TO FIND YOU, YOU LITTLE SACK OF SHIT!

AND THIS TIME, YOU WON'T BE COMING UP FOR AIR!

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOTHER?

HE JUST THREATENED HIM!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

GO AHEAD, SIS.

TELL 'EM I'M A DEPRAVED MONSTER.

A GODLESS FAG, RIGHT, MOM?

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTING A REACTION FROM ME, YOU'RE NOT.

HOWEVER, I WILL SAY, KNOWING...

THE KIND OF LIFE YOU LIVE,

THE TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU... ASSOCIATE WITH,

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

IT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON THE LORD.

FUCK THE LORD.

AND FUCK YOU.

I TOLD MY MOM NOT TO GET HER HOPES UP,

AND THEN SHE HAS TO GO AND TELL EVERYBODY.

NOW SHE'LL PROBABLY BE ALL DISAPPOINTED,

AND MOPE AROUND FOR DAYS.

GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT LIKE HER.

YEAH.

OH, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

I'M DISAPPOINTED TOO.

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING UNCLE BEN.

LIKE THE RICE.

PROBABLY THE CLOSEST I'LL EVER COME TO BEING A DAD.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO BE ONE.

IT WAS ALWAYS A THOUGHT.

BUT I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH...

I WANTED IT UNTIL I COULDN'T.

SHIT.

THERE'S SOMEBODY IN THE APARTMENT.

JESUS, EM. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK?

BRIAN WAS RIGHT.

GOOD THING I SAVED THE BOXES.

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?

SHE WENT HOME TO HER MOTHER.

LESS THAN 24 HOURS?

WOW, IT SURPASSED EVEN MY OWN PREDICTIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU MUST FEEL AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF SATISFACTION.

NAH, WHAT I FEEL IS...

AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF DISGUST,

SEEING TWO PATHETIC FAGS TRYING TO TURN THEMSELVES

INTO SOMETHING EVEN MORE PATHETIC:

TWO HAPPILY MARRIED HETEROSEXUALS.

IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOT TO DO WITH SOMETHING

US LOWER LIFE FORMS GENERALLY REFER TO AS LOVE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE REST OF US

SHOULD BE CONDEMNED TO LIVE OUT OUR LIVES IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT...

OUR HEARTS BANISHED TO ONE OF JUPITER'S ICE MOONS.

WHOA, THAT WAS VERY POETIC...

FOR A FORMER ACCOUNTANT.

WELL, I-I SINCERELY HOPE YOU FIND THE DREAM

THAT SATISFIES YOUR EXISTENCE.

BUT UNTIL THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BUY ME A DRINK?

FUCK OFF.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HEY. HEY.

UH, YOU'RE A LITTLE YOUNG FOR ME.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS. DIE.

HOW'S CHOIR PRACTICE?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M A FRIEND OF YOUR UNCLE'S. ANOTHER FAG?

GET AWAY FROM ME OR...

OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL 'EM?

THAT I MADE YOU SUCK ME OFF TOO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT THE TRUTH.

I ALREADY TOLD THE TRUTH.

HE OFFERED ME MONEY BUT I WOULDN'T DO IT.

DID HE OFFER YOU MONEY TOO?

HUH. HE DIDN'T HAVE TO.

I WOULD'VE PAID HIM.

IF YOU DON'T ADMIT THAT YOU'RE LYING,

THAT YOU MADE ALL OF THIS UP, BRIAN COULD GO TO JAIL.

GOOD. THEN HE'D GET RAPED BY A GANG OF BLACK GUYS.

YOUR MOTHER MUST SUBSCRIBE TO HBO.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

THAT'S A COOL BRACELET.

MAYBE THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT WERE A BIT HARSH.

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT US.

BUT MICHAEL'S NOT BRIAN. I MEAN...

THAT'S WHY WE CHOSE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I SAY WE GET A GENIUS FROM THE SPERM BANK.

IT'S EASIER. FOR WHO, MEL?

OUR KID? NEVER KNOWING ITS DAD, EXCEPT BY A NUMBER?

I'M NOT HAVING A REPEAT OF WHAT WE WENT THROUGH WITH BRIAN.

I JUST SAID MICHAEL'S NOT BRIAN.

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

BABY, THE ENTIRE STREET'S LISTENING TO YOU.

IT'S NOT ABOUT MICHAEL,

OR WHO THE FATHER WILL BE.

IT'S ABOUT TRUST;

TRUSTING TO FATE, TRUSTING TO GOD,

TO THE OB-GYN, THAT SOMEHOW EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT,

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A BABY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP, RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S UP?

HOW ABOUT YOU TELLING US?

LET ME HANDLE THIS, DEBBIE.

DETECTIVE CARL HORVATH,

PITTSBURGH P.D.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE MADE SOME ALLEGATIONS

RECENTLY, REGARDING YOUR UNCLE,

BRIAN KINNEY.

HE MADE ME DO THINGS TO HIM.

THAT'S A PRETTY SERIOUS CHARGE, SON, IF IT'S TRUE.

I'M NOT LYING.

HE SAID YOU MADE IT UP BECAUSE HE FOUND YOU STEALING MONEY FROM HIS WALLET.

HE'S THE LIAR.

YOU ALSO TOOK SOME KIND OF BRACELET WITH SHELLS.

I DON'T HAVE ANY STUPID BRACELET.

I SAW YOU WEARING IT TODAY AT THE ARCADE.

WHY SHOULD ANYONE BELIEVE YOU?

JOHN, IS THAT THE BRACELET

YOU HAD ON THIS MORNING AT BREAKFAST?

MOM, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

WELL YOU SAID YOU GOT IT AT THE MALL.

I BOUGHT IT WITH MY ALLOWANCE...

AT THAT STORE ACROSS FROM THE PET SHOP.

LET'S SEE THE BRACELET, SON.

I DON'T HAVE IT. I LOST IT.

SHOW IT TO HIM.

BRIAN GOT IT IN MEXICO.

HIS INITIALS ARE CARVED ON ONE OF THE SHELLS.

I WANT THE TRUTH, JOHN.

YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH.

NOW, DID BRIAN...

REALLY DO WHAT YOU SAID HE DID?

HE'S A FAG...

LIKE YOU SAID, A GODDAMN FAG.

SHAME ON YOU.

BUT MOST OF ALL, SHAME ON YOU.

AND THIS "HULK" FROM

HAS A-A REALLY COOL BATTLE WITH WOLVERINE,

AND SOME GREAT ART BY TODD MacFARLANE.

HI. HOPE WE DIDN'T COME AT A BAD TIME.

NO, I WAS JUST...

ADVISING A COLLECTOR.

HE'S ACTUALLY ONE OF MY BEST CUSTOMERS.

THEN WE WON'T STAY TOO LONG.

MICHAEL, ABOUT THE AGREEMENT...

LOOK, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I... WE KNOW.

THAT'S WHY WE DECIDED

TO AMEND SOME OF THE FINE POINTS.

PROVIDED YOU FULFIL YOUR "FUNCTION",

YOU WILL HEREWITH BE REFERRED TO AS "THE FATHER".

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY, DAD?

OH!

MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK?

NAME ON THE DOOR'S "WOODY'S", NOT "EMMETT'S".

GREY GOOSE AND TONIC.

EM... SAVE YOUR BREATH.

IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS YOU AND I WERE NOT MEANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT I GOT UPSET.

UPSET? TRY, "WENT BALLISTIC".

JUST, I'M KIND OF FINICKY...

FINICKY IS WHEN YOU TURN UP YOUR NOSE UP AT FRISKIES.

WHEN IT COMES TO MY THINGS.

AND WHY SHOULDN'T YOU BE, HONEY?

IT'S YOUR PLACE.

SO IN THE FUTURE,

DON'T ASK SOMEONE TO MOVE IN WITH YOU.

LOOK, AFTER YOU LEFT,

I WALKED UP AND DOWN LIBERTY AVENUE.

I FINALLY ENDED UP AT THE DINER WITH A...

A STALE LEMON BAR AND A COPY OF LAST WEEK'S "PITTSBURGH OUT".

HAVE YOU SEEN IT? IS THE HEADLINE,

"FINICKY BOYFRIEND GOES BERSERK"?

ACTUALLY, THERE'S AN INTERESTING LETTER TO "DEAR ABS" IN HERE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU READ THAT SILLY QUEEN.

GO ON.

"DEAR ABS.

MY BOYFRIEND JUST MOVED IN WITH ME

AND HE'S TAKEN OVER.

HE EVEN MOVED THE LUBE TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED.

HELP. ATTA LOSS."

SO?

NOW HIS ANSWER.

"DEAR ATTA.

GET A NEW PLACE THAT'S BOTH OF YOURS,

UNLESS YOU WANT TO JACK OFF ALONE.

AND AS FOR THE LUBE,

I SUGGEST YOU LET YOUR BOYFRIEND

PUT IT WHEREVER HE WANTS."

NOW THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A REASON

I WAS READING THAT AT 2:00
IN THE MORNING.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, EM,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN LIVE TOGETHER AT MY PLACE.

YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

SO I SUGGEST WE TAKE DEAR ABS' ADVICE

AND GET OUR PLACE.

A SPACE BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO FENG SHUI YOUR HEART OUT

AND FOR ME TO CLOSE THE DOOR

AND TRY AND HIT A HIGH C

ALONG WITH PAVAROTTI IF I WANT TO.

IN FACT, I WAS THINKING OF...

A HOUSE.

A HOUSE?

WITH A BACKYARD, AND ROOMS FOR YOU TO DECORATE.

DECORATE?

IT'S THE BEST INVESTMENT ONE CAN MAKE.

AND BESIDES BEING A GREAT DEDUCTION, IT'S...

IT'S A PROVEN HEDGE AGAINST INFLATION

AND AN UNSTABLE ECONOMY.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I SAY THOSE ARE THE MOST ROMANTIC WORDS I EVER HEARD.

ARE YOU COUNTING OFF HOW MANY SHOPPING DAYS LEFT TILL CHRISTMAS?

IT'S MELANIE'S OVULATION CYCLE.

AND WHAT A PERFECT SPOT FOR IT,

RIGHT BESIDE OUR BED.

WELL, IT'S TO REMIND ME WHEN WE CAN DO IT,

AND WHEN WE CAN'T.

WHOEVER THOUGHT OUR SEX LIFE

WOULD BE RULED BY A FERTILITY CHART?

WELL, NOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER,

WITH FULL CREDIT AND EVERYTHING,

I GOTTA BE EXTRA-SPECIAL RESPONSIBLE.

TONIGHT LOOKS GOOD THOUGH. YOU UP FOR IT?

YEAH, SOON AS I GET BACK FROM THE GYM.

WAIT, YOU'RE GOING TO THE GYM AGAIN?

WELL, DON'T BE LATE.

HUH, MISS MY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY?

HMM... BYE.

I BELIEVE THIS BELONGS TO YOU.

THANKS.

ANY TIME.

HERE.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING BACK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND?

YEAH.