Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

SHAKE IT, DUDE.

[ *** ]

[ *** ]

[ Groaning ]

[ *** ]

[ Panting ]
THAT WAS...

ONE OF MY
TOP TEN FUCKS.

[ Panting ]

YEAH.



DEFINITELY ONE OF MY...

TOP TEN...

THOUSAND.

[ Panting ]

[ Grunt ]

OH... GOD.

I SHOT BUCKETS.

[ Sighing ]

YOU MIND IF I
USE YOUR SHOWER?

WEAR IT HOME
PROUDLY.

I'M BUSY.

WHAT, ARE YOU
JUST KICKING
ME OUT?
YOU GOT IT.

WHY ARE THE BEST
FUCKS ALWAYS THE
BIGGEST JERKS?

[ Ringing of bell ]



RISE AND
SHINE, LOVER.
HMM.

"LOVER". HUH.

HOW I LOVE
THAT WORD. HMM.

MM, WHAT
SMELLS SO
YUMMY?

I MADE YOU

SOME OF MY
SPECIAL ROAST.

HMMM.
I HOPE YOU
LIKE IT.

I LIKE MY
COFFEE LIKE
I LIKE MY MEN.

STRONG, FULL-
BODIED, AND
PIPING HOT.

HUH! STOP.

IT'S TRUE.

YOU WERE....

YOU WERE
MAGNIFICENT.

I WAS?
MMM, SO...

GENTLE, SO SENSITIVE...

AND YET,
SO FORCEFUL.

WHO KNEW?

WELL, EVEN
THOUGH YOU ARE
MY BEST FRIEND,

THERE'RE SOME
THINGS ONLY A
LOVER CAN KNOW.

HMMM.

"LOVER".

HOW I LOVE
THAT WORD.

[ Chuckling ]

AND WHAT
ABOUT YOU?

YOU ARE...

SENSATIONAL.

NO, I'M NOT.

[ Snorting ]

REALLY?
HUH.

THE MIRACLES
YOU CAN PERFORM
WITH YOUR TONGUE.

TAUNTING ME,
TEASING ME...

DRIVING ME MAD.
HMM.

AND YOUR ASS.
HMM?

YOUR ASS IS...

AS SOFT...

AS MY NEW EGYPTIAN
COTTON, 2,000-THREAD
COUNT SHEETS.

[ Chuckle ]

CAREFUL,
DON'T SPILL.

AND THEY
SAID IT WOULD
NEVER WORK.

FOOLS. WHAT
DO THEY KNOW?

AHH.
HMM.

OH, MORE CREAM,
SWEETHEART?

MM, THANKS,
LOVER.

"LOVER".

HOW I LOVE
THAT WORD.

HMM, MMMM.

Ted:
HAVE ANOTHER
BITE,

LAMB CHOP.

HUH. THANK YOU,
TEDDY BEAR.

I'M GOING TO HEAVE
MY HASH BROWNS.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT UNSPEAKABLE

ACTS OF PERVERSION YOU TWO
FREAKS COMMIT IN PRIVATE,

DO YOU HAVE TO FLAUNT IT
IN THE FACES OF DECENT,
GOD-FEARING CITIZENS?

YOU'RE JUST
JEALOUS BECAUSE
WE HAVE WHAT
YOU DON'T.

ANAL WARTS?

HUH.

A LOVING, MATURE
RELATIONSHIP.

OPEN UP FOR
THE CHOO-CHOO,
BOO-BOO.

[ Imitating
chugging train ]
LA, LA-LA, LA...

[ Exaggerated
chewing noises ]

THERE YOU
GO, HONEY.

HOW'S THAT
SHINER COMING?
IT'S NOTHING.

OW!
WHAT, IT
STILL SMARTS?

ANIMAL!

Michael:
LEAVE HIM
ALONE, MA.

I ASKED
FOR IT.

NOBODY ASKS
TO GET PUNCHED
IN THE EYE.

SINCE WHEN DO
GAY GUYS USE
THEIR FISTS?

[ Snickering ]
Emmett:
YEAH, I'LL
GET, UH,

BIG HAIRY AL
TO EXPLAIN
THAT TO YOU.

Man:
HEY, UH...

Y-YOU WROTE
"RAGE", RIGHT?

RIGHT.

I MEAN...

YEAH, WITH
A PARTNER.

I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS MEANS TO ME,

Y-YOU KNOW,
HAVING A GAY
SUPERHERO.

I ONLY WISH HE'D
BEEN AROUND WHEN
I WAS GROWING UP.

YEAH. ME TOO.

HEY, SO, WHEN'S
THE NEXT ISSUE
COMING OUT?

Brian:
YEAH, MIKEY,

WHEN IS THE NEXT
ISSUE COMING OUT?

NOT SURE.

Man:
WELL, I
CAN'T WAIT.

Debbie:
OKAY, UH, BABY,

YOU NEED THREE
EGGS, SMASH...

[ Mixed chatter ]

STILL HERE,
I SEE?

I TRIED TO QUIT.
YOUR MOTHER
WOULDN'T LET ME.

YEAH WELL,
WE ALL KNOW
HOW SUBTLE

HER POWERS
OF PERSUASION
CAN BE.

BESIDES, I
NEED THE MONEY.

I GUESS BRIAN
CAME IN HANDY
FOR SOMETHING.

[ Snort ]

LOOK, IF YOU WANT
MONEY, THE...

THE COMIC BOOK'S
A BIG HIT.

I MEAN, WE SOLD
OUT THE FIRST
ISSUE ALREADY

AND PEOPLE ARE
ASKING FOR IT.
WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING?

WE SHOULD
WORK TOGETHER?

WE DON'T HAVE TO
LIKE EACH OTHER,

BUT WE... WE DID
MAKE A COMMITMENT.

YOU BETRAYED ME.

YOU BETRAYED
YOURSELF.
AND BRIAN.

OH, LOOK, I DON'T
WANT ANYTHING TO
DO WITH "RAGE".

OR YOU.

WHOO-OO-OO!

MOMMY'S GOT YOU
AND ALL OF YOU,

EVERY DAY, EVERY
NIGHT, ALL THE TIME!

Melanie:
YEAH... NO,

THEY'RE NOT APPEALING.
IT'S SETTLED.

YEAH. WE NEED TO DRAFT
UP A PAYMENT SCHEDULE.

UH, THE NOTES ARE
ON MY HARD DRIVE.

OKAY.

HEY!

LOOK WHAT MAMA
GOT FOR YOU.

OH-H. HEY-
HEY-HEY-HEY,

NOT BEFORE
LUNCH.
OOH,

MEAN OLD MOMMY
WON'T LET YOU CARB
UP AFTER YOUR...

YOUR WORKOUT.
UH-UH.

HEY, MEL.

HEY!
HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU

AT THE SWING SETS LATELY.

THE ONLY RECESS I GET
IS WHEN JUDGE HARTLEY
CALLS IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE IN
COURT ALL DAY.

WE FINALLY SETTLED
THE KITTRICH CASE.

OH, MY GOD.
[ Chuckling ]

OH MY GOD, IT'S
BEEN TWO YEARS!

OF DEFERRED
FEES, NOW WE'RE
PAID IN FULL.

WHOO-HOO!
Woman:
[ Chuckling ]

CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU GUYS.

AH, YOU TOO,
DUSTY. ON
YOUR SECOND?

YEAH, A FEW
YEARS AGO, WHO
WOULD'VE THUNK

THIS BIG OL' DYKE
WOULD BE HAVING A KID?

NOW I CAN HARDLY
WAIT FOR MY THIRD.

OH-OH,
THREE? OH.

OOH, COME HERE,
YOU LITTLE RAT!

HEY, WHAT ABOUT
YOU? AREN'T YOU
DUE FOR ANOTHER?
OH,

ARE YOU KIDDING?

OH, I HAVE MY HANDS
FULL WITH ONE.

DON'T I, BABY?

Gus:
[ Fussing ]

Lindsay:
OH, OKAY,
OKAY.

[ Violin *** ]

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

THE CLAW JUST
GETS TIRED
SOMETIMES.

Justin:
YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH HE AVER-
AGES A DAY?

NO.
40 BUCKS.

I HAD NO IDEA
BEING A BEGGAR
COULD BE SO
LUCRATIVE.

HE'S NOT
A BEGGAR.

HE'S A STREET
PERFORMER.

HOW ROMANTIC.

YOU HAVE
NO IDEA.

LAST NIGHT,
WE MADE LOVE
ON THE ROOF.

UNDERNEATH
THE STARS.

NEVER DID
ANYTHING LIKE
THAT WITH BRIAN.

I DON'T KNOW.
I RECALL HEARING

ABOUT SOME PRETTY
HOT NIGHTS.

HMM.
REMEMBER HOW
HE'D FUCK
YOU SO HARD

YOU COULD STILL
FEEL HIM INSIDE
YOU THE NEXT
MORNING?

[ Giggle ]
DAPHNE.

YOUR WORDS,
DARLING,
NOT MINE.

Ethan:
IF I HAVE TO PLAY
"LA CAMPANELLA"

ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GOING TO SCREAM.

MY POOR
LITTLE GENIUS.
[ Chuckle ]

HEY, DAPH.

[ Clearing
of throat ]
WHAT'RE YOU TAKING
NEXT TERM, MAN?

COMP-ANAT AND
BIO-CHEM. WHAT
ABOUT YOU?

I'M NOT.

WHAT?

I'M DROPPING OUT.

NO WAY.

NO MONEY.
WELL,

WHO'S BEEN PAYING FOR IT?

[ *** ]

Man: [ On telephone ]
You sound hot.

Brian:
UH-HUH.

So, uh, what
are you into?

SITTING ON YOUR
FACE WHILE YOU
SUCK MY BALLS.

Oh, yeah!

Oh fuck, I'm so hard.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A HIT OF POPPERS,

STICK A COUPLE
OF FINGERS UP YOUR
HOLE AND JERK OFF?

Oh my! Call me! Oh...

YOU'RE WASTING
IT ON THE PHONE.

WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC
TROLL ARE YOU?

[ *** ]

HUH.
YOU DIDN'T
MEAN

WHAT YOU
SAID IN THE
PARK, DID YOU?

NO COOKIES
BEFORE LUNCH?
HMM.

NO BABIES
AFTER GUS.

WELL NOW
THAT HE'S IN
PRE-SCHOOL,

I WAS HOPING
TO RETURN TO
CIVILIAN LIFE.

YOU KNOW,
TEACH, GET BACK
INTO MY ART.

SARA EVEN SAID
THAT IF I HAD
ENOUGH PAINTINGS

SHE COULD GIVE
ME A SHOW.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT IF WE
HAVE ANOTHER KID?

I UNDERSTAND,
BUT IT'S NOT
LIKE WE CAN...

POP OUT A
BABY WHENEVER
WE WANT.
OH-H.

IT REQUIRES...

TIMING,

PLANNING...

WRONG TIME,
WRONG PLAN.

YOU LOVED
BEING PREGNANT.

I DID?
UH, GOD,

WERE YOU
EVER SEXY!

[ Chuckling ]
I WAS?

YOU HAD A
BIG, HARD...

BELLY AND...

HOT, LUSCIOUS
TITS AND...

YOU WERE HORNY
ALL THE TIME.

[ Inhaling ]
OH-H,

I DON'T REMEMBER
IT QUITE
THAT FONDLY.

[ Coughing ]

OKAY.

THEN HOW
ABOUT THIS?

WHEN WE BROUGHT
GUS HOME FROM
THE HOSPITAL,

YOU SAID, "I WANT
A HOUSE FILLED
WITH CHILDREN.

CHILDREN WHO KNOW
THEY'RE LOVED,

WHO ARE AN
EXPRESSION
OF OUR LOVE."

MM-HM.

YOU'RE VERY
PERSUASIVE,
COUNCILLOR.

Emmett:
MMM! WHAT
SMELLS SO
YUM-A-LICIOUS?

Michael:
BEN'S STIRRING
UP SOME THAI
DELIGHT.

ARE YOU GOING
TO JOIN US?
THERE'S PLENTY.

OH, THANK YOU,
BENJAMIN.

BUT I'M ON MY
WAY TO MEET
MR. RIGHT.

I THOUGHT
YOU ALREADY
MET HIM.

OH, IT'S
JUST, UH...

JUST THIS GAME
THAT TEDDY
AND I PLAY.

WE, UH, FIND
EACH OTHER
AT BABYLON

AND HE'LL SAY
SOMETHING TO
ME LIKE, "COME
HERE OFTEN?"

AND, UH, I'LL
SAY SOMETHING
TO HIM LIKE, UH,

"ONLY WHEN
MY BOYFRIEND'S
OUT OF TOWN."
HUH.

AND THEN WE
GO BACK TO HIS
PLACE AND FUCK
LIKE BUNNIES.

OH, THAT'S CUTE.

SO, UM, DO YOU
GUYS WANT TO
HOOK UP LATER?

NOTHING SHORT
OF A DISASTER

COULD DRAG US
OUT OF THE HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT
THEN, POP.

TRY NOT TO
BURN THE PLACE
DOWN. TA!

BYE.

COME AND
GET IT.
HUH,

THESE WORDS
I HAVE BEEN
DROOLING TO HEAR.

MMM.
HM-MM.

[ Knocking on door ]

EMMETT FORGET
HIS KEY?

EMMETT NEVER
FORGETS HIS KEY.

[ Insistent
knocking on door ]

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE
THAT COULD BE...

YOU DON'T ANSWER IT,
HE'LL GO AWAY.

Brian:
YOU SAID I WAS
WELCOME ANYTIME.

FUCK.

AT LEAST GIVE
ME A LITTLE
DINNER

AND SCHMOOZE
ME UP FIRST.

SO.

WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

MEE KROB.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD OF MEATLOAF?

I ONLY MADE
ENOUGH FOR TWO.

OH, WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS GOING TO JOIN ME?
BRIAN,

BEN AND I WOULD
LIKE TO SPEND...

AN EVENING
AT HOME.

ALONE.

BUT IT'S
"NINE-INCH NITE"
AT BABYLON.

ANY GUY WITH MORE
THAN NINE INCHES GETS
IN FOR FREE. SO...

I FIGURED I'D
BUY YOUR TICKETS.

[ Chuckle ]
BUT WE PREFER TO
SIT THIS ONE OUT.

[ *** ]

Emmett:
I THOUGHT YOU
AND MICHAEL

WERE SPENDING
A QUIET EVENING
ALONE TOGETHER.

THE BEST
UN-LAID
PLANS...

MM-HM! I HAVE
TO TINKLE.

DON'T BE
LONG, LOVER.

MMMM.
MMMM.

Man:
LOOKING
GOOD, EMMETT.

[ *** ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

[ *** ]

HEY, STRANGER.
COME HERE OFTEN?

ONLY WHEN
MY BOY...

OH MY GOD,
IT'S, UM...
DIJON.

LIKE THE
MUSTARD.
RIGHT!

YEAH, I KNEW
YOU WERE A...
CONDIMENT.

I HAVE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT
YOU, BABY.

YOU HAVE?
THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S SWEET.
MORE LIKE...

HOT 'N' SPICY.
HMM.

I'M BACK FROM
MY FLIGHT.

OH! YEAH,
YOU'RE THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

RIGHT.
RIGHT.

AND I HAVE
A THREE DAY
LAY-OVER.

PLENTY OF TIME
TO GET LAID,
OVER AND OVER.

[ Nervous
chuckle ]
YOU STILL UP
FOR THAT DATE?

DATE?

UH, THAT WE
MADE AT THE GYM
A FEW WEEKS AGO.

MAYBE, UM...
[ Clearing
of throat ]

THIS WILL JOG
YOUR MEMORY.

AH...

YEAH, UH...

OH YEAH,
IT'S... I-IT'S
COMING BACK.

UM... YOU...

UH, YOU
KNOW, AS...

AS MUCH AS
I WOULD...

LOVE TO,
UH...

THE WORLD AS
WE KNOW IT
HAS CHANGED.

POSTAGE
WENT UP?
HMMM.

I HAVE A
BOYFRIEND.

WELL, I WON'T
TELL YOUR
BOYFRIEND

IF YOU WON'T
TELL MINE.

HERE'S THE
ADDRESS.

TOMORROW?

SAY, ABOUT 7:00?

[ *** ]

[ Opening/closing
of door ]

Ted:
HELLO, STRANGER,
COME HERE OFTEN?

OH! TEDDY
IT'S YOU, HEY.

WHO DID YOU
THINK IT WAS?

YOU'VE BEEN IN
HERE SO LONG,

I THOUGHT
YOU'D FALLEN IN
OR SOMETHING.

OR MET SOMEONE
ELSE, AH...

MET SOMEONE
ELSE!

SO FUNNY.
[ Chuckling ]

[ *** ]

IT'S ABOUT
TIME. ARE YOU
READY TO GO?

Brian:
THE NIGHT
IS YOUNG.

NOT AS YOUNG
AS IT ONCE WAS.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME DANCE?
MICHAEL,
I TOLD YOU.

I HAVE GOT A
CLASS FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S PERFECT. YOU CAN
LEAVE STRAIGHT FROM HERE.

GOTTA GO.

SURE, MIKEY.

I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW.

[ *** ]

JUSTIN TELLS
ME YOU'RE A...
GENIUS, HUH.

NO, I LIKE TO THINK
I INHERITED IT FROM
MY GRANDFATHER.

HE WAS AT A
CONCENTRATION
CAMP.

OH! OH, I'M SORRY...

LUCKILY, HE SURVIVED

AND HE TAUGHT
ME HOW TO PLAY.

THANK GOD.

I'M ALSO FORTUNATE
TO HAVE PARENTS WHO...

PAID FOR ALL THOSE
LESSONS EVEN THOUGH THEY
DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEY.

WELL, HOW NICE

TO HEAR SOMEONE
PRAISING
THEIR PARENTS

FOR A CHANGE.

I SAY NICE
THINGS ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE JUST
NOT AROUND
TO HEAR IT.

WELL, I GOTTA GO.
I GOTTA PRACTICE.

ETHAN'S A FINALIST FOR
THE HEIFETZ COMPETITION.

THAT'S
WONDERFUL.

Jennifer:
I HOPE YOU
WIN IT.
ME TOO.

NICE TO MEET YOU,
MRS. TAYLOR.

MY PLEASURE.

THANKS AGAIN
FOR LUNCH.
AND YOU...

SEE YOU
AT HOME.
YEAH.

OH, WELL.
[ Chuckle ]

HE SEEMS LIKE A...

AN ACCOMPLISHED
YOUNG MAN.

DON'T LEAVE OUT "CUTE".
VERY.

CUTE.
[ Chuckle ]

AND CERTAINLY...

MORE APPROPRIATE
FOR YOU THAN BRIAN.

NOT THAT I HAVE
ANYTHING AGAINST BRIAN.

IF IT HADN'T BEEN
FOR HIM, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT EITHER OF
US WOULD'VE...
DO YOU MIND

IF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT
HIM? I'M WITH ETHAN NOW.

LET ME GET
THE TIP.

PUT YOUR
MONEY AWAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M
GOING TO NEED IT.

MAYBE I CAN HELP
WITH TUITION.

AT LEAST
PART OF IT.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF AND MOLLY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

MOLLY SAYS HE
ASKS ABOUT YOU.

LIKE I GIVE A SHIT.

JUSTIN.

MAYBE NOW THAT
YOU'RE NOT WITH BRIAN,

HE MIGHT...
I'M NOT ASKING DAD
FOR A FUCKING THING.

HE'S BEEN VERY GENEROUS
WITH YOUR SISTER.

MAYBE IF YOU...
EXPLAINED THE
SITUATION,

HE MIGHT
COME THROUGH.
AFTER ALL...

HE'S STILL
YOUR FATHER.

I KNOW I MAY NOT
BE STANDING HERE

WITH A RAZOR
BLADE AT
MY WRIST,

OR A LIGHT BULB
UP MY ASS,

BUT I NEED TO
TALK TO SOMEONE
NOW! I...

I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR THE
GODDAMNED GAY
CRISIS HELP LINE

TO TAKE MY CALL FOR
THE PAST 15 MINUTES.

YOU SHOULD
TELL THEM YOU
HAVE A REALLY
BAD TINT JOB.

I'M SURE
THEY'D PUT YOU
RIGHT THROUGH.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS...
[ Sigh ]

I HAVE THIS
FRIEND...

THAT WOULD BE YOU.

WHO IS, UM,

IN LOVE WITH HIS
BEST FRIEND...

THAT WOULD BE THEODORE.

BUT BEFORE THEY
REALIZED THEY
WERE IN LOVE,

MY FRIEND MADE
THIS... PREVIOUS
COMMITMENT.

MM-HM. FUCK DATE.

WITH THIS
REALLY, REALLY
HOT FLIGHT
ATTENDANT.

DIJON? LIKE THE MUSTARD?

GOD, HE'S A
FIRST CLASS FUCK.

PLUS YOUR FRIEND WILL
GET FREE BONUS MILES.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE
REMORSE AND... GUILT?

TELL HIM NOT
TO SWEAT IT.

HE'S PROTECTED BY THE
GRANDFATHER CLAUSE.

WHAT'S THAT?
THAT STATES THAT
ANY AGREEMENT

MADE BEFORE
THE CURRENT
ARRANGEMENT

IS STILL CONSIDERED
LEGALLY BINDING

AND MUST THEREFORE
BE HONOURED.

SO YOU MEAN
MY... FRIEND

COULD
ACTUALLY,
UM...

BLOW SAID REALLY
HOT FLIGHT
ATTENDANT

AND STILL
BE WITHIN
HIS RIGHTS?

AS LONG AS HE KEEPS
HIS MOUTH SHUT...
AFTERWARDS.

[ Store *** ]

[ Closing of door ]

Lindsay:
HOW ABOUT
A TIDE?

Dusty:
NO, I'VE
ALREADY
GOT IT.

MULTI-GRAIN
CHEERIOS?

FOR YOUR
RAGU?

DEAL.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckle ]
WHAT'S SO
FUNNY?

REMEMBER WHEN
I WAS TEACHING
THAT CLASS

ON ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONISM

AND YOU WERE
LECTURING ON
THE METAPHYSICAL
POETS?

NOW WE'RE
SWAPPING
COUPONS FOR THE
SHOP 'N SAVE.

TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, I DON'T
MIND IT.

BESIDES, WHAT
MORE CAN YOU
SAY ABOUT
ROTHKO OR DONNE

THAT HASN'T
ALREADY
BEEN SAID?

IT'S JUST
THAT SOMETIMES,

I FEEL LIKE
I'M MISSING ALL
THE EXCITEMENT.

MELANIE'S OUT
THERE, MAKING
THE WORLD A
BETTER PLACE,

AND... WHAT
AM I DOING?

RAISING BEAUTIFUL
CHILDREN TO
LIVE IN IT.

CORRECTION:
ONE CHILD.

WELL, THAT'S
NOT WHAT I HEAR.

WHAT?
AH, I SAW YOUR
BETTER HALF

AT THE CASH
MACHINE THIS
MORNING.

SHE TOLD ME
THE BIG NEWS.
WHAT BIG NEWS?

OH, AND I'VE
ALREADY GOT
YOUR NAMES
PICKED OUT.

SHANE IF IT'S
A BOY, SABRINA
IF IT'S A GIRL.

YOU CAN TELL
I'VE BEEN
WATCHING AMC.

MELANIE TOLD
YOU WE'RE HAVING
ANOTHER KID?

YEAH, SHE WAS
ALL EXCITED.
SHE SAID YOU
COULDN'T WAIT.

[ *** ]

YOU KNOW, I WAS
PUKING MY GUTS
OUT LAST NIGHT.

MUST'VE BEEN
THE VAST AMOUNT
OF DRUGS YOU
CONSUMED.

YEAH, OR MAYBE
IT WAS THAT WEIRD
ASIAN SHIT BEN
CONCOCTED.

SO WHAT
TIME'S DINNER?

IT'S NOT.

WE'RE GOING
TO MY MOM'S.

OH, THAT
SHOULD BE FUN.

ALMOST AS MUCH
FUN AS THE
UNDERWEAR PARTY.

WHAT UNDERWEAR PARTY?

THE ONE I'M
ATTENDING
THIS EVENING.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DO IT;

WORKING ALL
DAY, FUCKING
ALL NIGHT.

WELL, THEY
SAY IN THE
VAST EMPTINESS
OF SPACE,

THE FASTER
YOU MOVE, THE
SLOWER YOU AGE.

I HAVE TO
BELIEVE

THE SAME
HOLDS TRUE FOR
PITTSBURGH.

YOU CARE
TO JOIN ME?

YOU'LL HAVE TO
STAY FOREVER
YOUNG WITHOUT ME.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE IN
A COMMITTED
RELATIONSHIP
WITH YOUR...

WHAT IS
THAT HIDEOUS
EXPRESSION?

"SIGNIFICANT
OTHER?"

LOSER.

[ Jingling of
door chimes ]

[ Grunt of effort ]

[ Muffled gasp ]

[ In affected voice]
DO WHAT I SAY, AND
I WON'T KILL YA.

OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY. JUST
TAKE IT EASY!

[ Beeping of
electronic toy ]

FUCK! BRIAN!

GOTCHA!
[ Laughing ]

YOU SCARED THE
SHIT OUT OF ME!

WHY ARE YOU
STILL HERE?

I THOUGHT I'D
DROP YOU AT
YOUR MAMA'S.

YOU ARE SO
PATHETIC,
YOU KNOW THAT?

ACTUALLY,
YOU ARE.

[ *** ]

SO WHAT TIME'S
THE PARTY START?

WHEN I GET THERE,
OF COURSE.

HEY...

WE JUST... YOU
MISSED MOM'S TURN.

AH. OR SHOULD I SAY,
WHEN WE GET THERE?

I TOLD YOU I CAN'T GO.

UH, TURN BACK.

IT'S TOO LATE.

HUH. THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

JUST LET... LET ME OUT.

SORRY.

I'M CALLING BEN.

[ Chuckling ]

THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING? YOU...

SIT BACK, AND RELAX.

OH.

HERE'S A LITTLE PARTY
OUTFIT I GOT YOU.

AH... I
CAN'T STAY.

UH, THE ONLY
REASON I'M HERE
IS BECAUSE MY
AUNT LULA,

SHE ALWAYS TAUGHT
ME THAT IF YOU
HAVE TO DELIVER
BAD NEWS,

IT'S BEST
TO DO IT IN
PERSON. HUH.

"IT'S JUST PLAIN
GOOD MANNERS!"
SHE WOULD SAY.

SO, UM...

BYE.
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-
WHOA-WHOA-
WHOA... WHOA.

WHAT'S YOUR
HURRY, BABY?

COME ON IN.

I-I-I'M AFRAID
IT'S, UM, GOING
TO BE IMPOSSIBLE

FOR US TO
KEEP THIS
LITTLE TRYST.

[ Clearing of throat ]

I, UH... I'M
IN A RELATION-
SHIP SEE?

WITH THIS,
UH, REALLY
WONDERFUL MAN.

MM-HMM.
AND, UM...

AND EVEN
THOUGH I COULD
CITE THE, UH,

THE GRANDFATHER
CLAUSE...

CAN I GET YOU
A BEVERAGE?
OH, UH...

BLOODY MARY.

I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.

INSTEAD, I CHOOSE TO
HONOUR MY COMMITMENT.

TO THE LETTER.

PEANUTS OR PRETZELS?

PEANUTS.
SO, UH, I...

I HOPE YOU'LL
UNDERSTAND THAT
EVEN THOUGH I-I
WOULD REALLY...

REALLY LIKE
TO STAY FOR
THE, UH...

IN-FLIGHT
ENTERTAINMENT,
UM... I...

WHAT'S THAT?

Dijon:
THE, UH,
AIRLINE AWARDED
THAT TO ME

FOR SERVICING OVER
10,000 PASSENGERS.

AH, "TO...

TO DIJON..."

LIKE THE MUSTARD;

"WHO... WHO WILL GO TO
ANY LENGTH TO MAKE SURE

SATISFACTION
IS GUARANTEED."

[ Beep of
in-flight signal ]

I SEE WHAT THEY
MEAN BY, UH...

BY "ANY LENGTH."

AND I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY
IN THE UPRIGHT, AND
LOCKED, POSITION.

[ Humming of
jet engines ]

WHERE THE HELL
ARE YOU, YOU
LITTLE ASSHOLE?

I'VE BEEN
CALLING AND
LEAVING MESS-
AGES FOR YOU

FOR OVER
AN HOUR,

AND NOT ONE
FUCKING "BOO"
FROM YOU.

WELL YOU'D
BETTER BE ON YOUR
WAY OVER HERE

IS ALL I
GOTTA SAY

'CAUSE MY
GODDAMN DINNER'S
TURNING TO SHIT.

LOVE, MOTHER.

THIS GARLIC BREAD'S
NOT BAD...

FOR A DOORSTOP.

SHUT UP.

HUH.

SO, IT'S A
DRIED OUT MESS.

THAT'S WHY
ITALIANS
INVENTED SAUCE.

[ Sighing ]
WELL,

WE WILL GO
AHEAD WITH
OUR DINNER,

WITH OR WITHOUT
MY SON.

YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T LIKE
MICHAEL NOT TO SHOW UP.

OR EVEN CALL.

NO, BUT IT'S
EXACTLY LIKE...

YOU-KNOW-WHO.

WHO? BRIAN?

YOU WIN THE VEAL.

WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK HE'S
WITH BRIAN?

YOU SAID THEY'VE BEEN OUT
EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

AND LAST.

WELL YEAH, BRIAN
NEEDS HIS BEST
FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

THOUGH HE WOULD
NEVER ADMIT THAT.

HE WANTS EVERYONE TO
THINK HE DOESN'T GIVE
A SHIT. EXCUSE ME.

COVER YOUR EARS, SIS.

BUT HE IS HURTING INSIDE.

AND THE MORE
HE'S HURTING,

THE MORE HE
TRIES TO HIDE IT.

WHAT AN INCREDIBLY
KIND, COMPASSIONATE
THING TO SAY.

YOU REALLY
ARE A HELL OF
A NICE GUY.

THANK YOU, DEBBIE.

FUCK "NICE".

UNLESS YOU
KNOCK SOME SENSE

INTO THAT
BOYFRIEND
OF YOURS,

BRIAN'S GONNA
KEEP HAULING
HIM OFF TO GOD
KNOWS WHERE,

AND HE SHOULD BE
HERE WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT UP TO ME.
I CAN'T CONTROL HIM.

Vic:
WHY NOT?

SHE'S BEEN
DOING IT FOR
30 YEARS.

LET'S JUST HOPE
MICHAEL WAKES UP

AND REALIZES
HE'S JUST A
SUBSTITUTE
FOR JUSTIN.

Vic:
ONLY TROUBLE IS,

THE SUBSTITUTE'S
USUALLY THE
LAST TO KNOW.

SAUCE?

YOUR SON WAS A CRANKY
LITTLE CUSS TONIGHT.

[ Dropping of object ]

I LOVE HOW WHEN HE'S
CRANKY, HE'S MY SON.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE
CRANKY YOURSELF.

DO I?

[ Running of water ]

I WENT TO THE
SUPERMARKET TODAY.

MMMM?
AND WHILE
I WAS THERE,

I RAN INTO DUSTY,
WHO TOLD ME THE MOST
ASTONISHING NEWS.

REALLY? WHAT?

YOU AND I ARE HAVING
ANOTHER BABY. HMM!

GEE, WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?

WELL, WE... TALKED
ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.

AND I THOUGHT
WE DECIDED...

WE DIDN'T DECIDE
ANYTHING.

I SAID I'D
THINK ABOUT IT.

AND SINCE I'M THE ONE
WHO'LL BE CARRYING IT,

DON'T YOU THINK
I SHOULD HAVE AT
LEAST HAVE SOME
SAY AS TO WHEN?

OF COURSE YOU
SHOULD, HONEY. I...

OH, STOP TRYING TO
PLACATE ME, MEL.

[ Sigh ]
REMINDS ME OF MY
GODDAMN PARENTS.

I'M NOT TRYING
TO PLACATE YOU,

AND WE ARE DEFINITELY
NOT YOUR PARENTS.

OH, COMPARED TO
US, THEY'VE GOT THE
ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE,

AND WE'RE THE HAPPILY
MARRIED STRAIGHT
COUPLE OF 1962.

[ Whistling of kettle ]
ALL I SAID

IS THAT I WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.

AND JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE THE BREADWINNER,

THAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT
TO TELL ME WHEN TO...

POP OUT ANOTHER LOAF?

YOU WANT ANOTHER KID SO
BADLY, HAVE IT YOURSELF.

I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU
JUST SAID THAT.

THAT IS NOT FAIR.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T
HAVE CHILDREN.

YOU KNOW DAMN
WELL I CAN'T. THE
DOCTORS TOLD ME.

THAT WAS
YEARS AGO.

YOU AND I BOTH
KNOW THERE ARE
NEW PROCEDURES.

THEY COULD
ZAP YOU WITH A
LASER AND YOU'D
AS BE FERTILE

AS MOTHER EARTH.
BUT...

NO...
BECAUSE YOU WANT
TO PLAY DAD,

PASSING OUT
THE COHIBAS.
WHAT...

HUH! SORRY,
MEL. NO CIGAR.

[ Sigh ]

Mr. Taylor:
YOU WANT
A SODA?

Justin:
I'LL HAVE THE
SAME AS YOU.

I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU
HAVE A DRINK.

THAT'S BECAUSE I ALWAYS
USED TO WAIT UNTIL YOU
WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

OR ASLEEP.

THANKS.

MOLLY TELLS ME
YOU'RE... BETTER.

YEAH, I'M DOING
ALL RIGHT.

Woman:
HONEY?

I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.

Woman:
I'M JUST GOING
TO GET OUT
TO THE STORE.

OKAY. SEE
YOU SOON.

OKAY. BYE.

[ Opening/closing
of door ]

SHE'S PRETTY.

YEAH.

HER NAME'S LORI.

WE'VE BEEN SEEING
EACH OTHER FOR
ABOUT A YEAR NOW.

I BROUGHT SOME OF
MY LATEST WORK.

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO SEE SOME.

SURE.

BUT I'M NOT MUCH
OF AN ART CRITIC.

HERE.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

THE NEW TERM'S
COMING UP, AND...

I NEED SOME
FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.

I WAS HOPING MAYBE
YOU WOULD HELP ME OUT.

JUSTIN, I TOLD YOU
WHEN YOU WERE APPLYING
TO COLLEGES...

I KNOW WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

BUT NOW THAT
I'VE COMPLETED

MY FIRST YEAR
WITH HONOURS...

IN SPITE OF THE HAND,

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU
WOULD CHANGE YOUR MIND.

LOOK, I CAN'T GET A
SCHOLARSHIP BECAUSE
YOU MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY.

AND I CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL
AND WORK FULL-TIME.

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN?

WE'RE NOT
TOGETHER ANY MORE.

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS.

I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU'VE COME TO
YOUR SENSES.

NOW, IF YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT GOING
TO DARTMOUTH OR...

DAD.

I'M NEVER GOING TO
BE A BUSINESSMAN.

AND I'M NEVER GOING
TO BE STRAIGHT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN
YOU WERE A KID,

THE ONE THING THAT
MEANT THE MOST TO YOU,

EVEN MORE THAN MAKING
YOUR MOTHER HAPPY,
WAS MAKING ME PROUD.

WHENEVER YOU GOT
AN "A" ON A TEST
OR A REPORT CARD,

IT WAS ALWAYS
ME YOU CAME
RUNNING TO.

AND NO FATHER EVER
COULD HAVE BEEN
PROUDER OF HIS SON

THAN I WAS OF YOU.

NOW YOU'RE ASHAMED?

N-NO...

THAT I'M NOT THE MAN
YOU WANTED ME TO BE?

WELL...

[ Sighing ]
I AM THE MAN
THAT I WANT TO BE.

I'M THE ONLY MAN
THAT I CAN BE.

IF YOU CAN'T BE PROUD
OF ME FOR THAT, THEN...

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

[ Opening/closing
of door ]

Michael:
GIVE ME
THE KEYS.

I'M TAKING THE
FUCKING CAR AND
I'M GOING TO
LEAVE YOU HERE.

THAT'S FINE
WITH ME.

GIVE ME
MY PHONE!

THANK YOU.

THE BATTERY'S
ALMOST DEAD.

I KNOW. I WAS
FEEDING ON
ITS ENERGY.

BEN?

BEN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I'M GOING
TO BE A
LITTLE LATE.

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

HELLO?

HELLO?

SHIT! I LOST HIM.

WELL AS LONG
AS YOU'RE HERE

YOU MIGHT AS
WELL TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES...

AND JOIN
THE PARTY.
I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU KNOW, THIS
REMINDS ME OF
THE FIRST TIME
I BLINDFOLDED YOU

AND TOOK
YOU TO THE
LIBERTY BATHS.

YOU WERE
SO HOT!

WALKING UP AND
DOWN THE HALLS

IN YOUR
CORDUROYS AND
YOUR FLANNEL.

LOOSEN UP.
I SAID NO.

YOU'D RATHER
WATCH?

THAT CAN BE
ARRANGED.

YOU SEE THAT FINE,
UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN

OVER THERE?

FIRST, I'M GOING
TO WEAR OUT HIS
JAW ON MY COCK.

THEN, I'M
GOING TO REACH
AROUND... BACK,

AND START
FINGERING...

[ *** ]

WHY NOT SEE
FOR YOURSELF?

[ *** ]

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

[ *** ]

* I LIKE IT *

* LET'S GET INTIMATE *

* I LIKE IT *

* LET'S GET... *

[ Sigh ]

I NEED TO
GET SOME WORK
DONE... IN PEACE.

I DON'T ENVY YOU
BREADWINNERS. HUH.

DO YOU MIND IF
WE NOT TALK ABOUT
BREAD? I'M...

TRYING TO
WATCH MY CARBS.

HOW ABOUT
SOME EGGS?
[ Scoff ]

DON'T EVEN
MENTION EGGS.

EGGS ARE THE
LAST THING I
WANT TO THINK OF.

ANY PROBLEM WITH PRUNES?

MEL, HONEY.

AFTER A HEALTHY
BREAKFAST,

THE BEST WAY
TO START THE DAY

IS BY TELLING ME...

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?

LINDSAY SAYS
IF I WANT
ANOTHER BABY,

I SHOULD CARRY
IT MYSELF.

SOUNDS FAIR TO ME.

[ Sigh ]
EVEN IF I COULD, I... I...

I-I NEVER PICTURED
MYSELF THE...

"BIRTHING BABIES" TYPE.

YEAH, ALL THE FUSS
AND THE MUSS...

AND, UH...
WELL, IT'S DEFINITELY
NOT FOR CONTROL FREAKS

OR THE FAINT OF HEART.

HMM.
AH-H,

THAT LET'S
ME OUT.

YOU SEE, MY
LIFE WORKS BEST

WHEN IT'S GOING
ACCORDING TO PLAN.

MY PLAN. AND...
AS FOR PAIN,
PAIN IS...

DEFINITELY NOT ON
MY "TO DO" LIST.

SO YOU'D RATHER LEAVE
THE DIRTY WORK TO HER.

NO, THAT'S
NOT IT.

WELL WHAT IS IT, THEN?

IT'S THAT
SHE'S...

BRAVER, AND
STRONGER,

AND A
BETTER WOMAN...

THAN I'LL
EVER BE.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST
LOAD OF HORSESHIT
I'VE EVER HEARD.

I'M NOT
TELLING YOU IT
ISN'T SCARY.

'CAUSE IT'S
FUCKING
TERRIFYING.

AND I'M NOT
TELLING YOU THAT
IT ISN'T PAINFUL.

ALTHOUGH IT
SEEMS I'VE
FORGOTTEN THAT.

BUT I AM
TELLING YOU THAT
HAVING A KID

IS THE NUMBER
ONE, TOP-RATED
EXPERIENCE

IN MY LIFE.

AND I'D HATE TO
SEE YOU DEPRIVE
YOURSELF OF
ALL OF THAT

BECAUSE YOU
THINK YOU'RE NOT
WOMAN ENOUGH.

PFFF.

HOW ABOUT I GET
YOU SOME EGGS AND
A NICE FRESH BUN?

OKAY.

DIDN'T EXPECT
YOU UP SO EARLY

AFTER GETTING
IN SO LATE.

IT WAS
1:30-ISH.

YEAH. TRY
2:45-ISH.

HE KIDNAPPED ME.

HE KIDNAPPED YOU.

YEAH, AND THEN HE
TOOK MY CELL PHONE,

AND SHOVED IT
DOWN HIS PANTS.

WELL, THAT IS DEFI-
NITELY OUT OF YOUR
CALLING AREA, HUH?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU
TO HANG OUT WITH HIM.

[ Sniff ]
ALTHOUGH I DID THINK

THAT WHEN YOU ASKED ME
TO MOVE IN WITH YOU,

YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE
HERE FROM TIME TO TIME.

I WANTED TO BE.

[ Sighing ]

I GUESS THIS WASN'T
SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
WHAT?

US LIVING TOGETHER.

OF COURSE IT IS!

NO, WE DIDN'T
PLAN ON IT,
MICHAEL.

IT JUST
HAPPENED OUT OF
CIRCUMSTANCE.
SO?

SO MAYBE WE'RE
NOT READY.

WELL...
MAYBE THERE
ARE SOME THINGS
IN OUR LIVES

WE NEED TO
WORK OUT FIRST.
WHAT...

MAYBE I SHOULD
FIND MY OWN
APARTMENT.

[ Opening of door ]

[ *** ]

DON'T USE
UP ALL YOUR
ENERGY, BUNNY.

GOT TO SAVE SOME
FOR OUR WORKOUT.

HUH! IT'S...

UH... OH!

OW! OW.

SWEETIE,
WHAT'S WRONG?

I, UH... I
THINK I PULLED
A MUSCLE.

HAH.
OH, YOU
POOR BABY.

I, UH... YOU
KNOW, IT'S...
IT'S OKAY, UM...

I THINK I JUST
NEED TO PUT SOME
HEAT ON IT. I'M
GOING TO, AH...

I'M GOING
TO GO TO THE
STEAM ROOM.
OH YES.

OKAY, IT'S...

HEY, SWEET
THING!

HEY! UH...

UH, TEDDY,
THIS IS DIJON.

LIKE THE MUSTARD.

S... UH, THIS
IS TED, MY
BOYFRIEND.

THE ONE I'M
IN A RELATION-
SHIP WITH.

RIGHT.

I'M ON A
FLIGHT TONIGHT
TO MIAMI.

OH, THANK
GOD. HUH.

I MEAN, UM...
THANK GOD
FOR YOU!

GETTING OUT OF
HERE... COLD...

AND, UM...
[ Clearing
of throat ]

WHEN I, UH,
GET BACK,

[ Whispering ]
I'M GOING TO
GIVE YOU A CALL.

[ *** ]

WHY SHOULD HE
GIVE YOU A CALL?

H-HE'S A, UM...

HE'S A FLIGHT
ATTENDANT.

SO I THINK HE
MIGHT BE ABLE
TO GET US
AN UPGRADE.

WE'RE NOT
GOING ANYWHERE.

WHY WAS HE
TOUCHING YOU
LIKE THAT?

UM, YOU KNOW,
HE WAS GIVEN AN
AWARD FOR SERVICE.

HE'S VERY
ATTENTIVE.

YEAH, I
NOTICED.

YOU DID IT WITH
HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, AT LEAST I
KNOW WHAT MUSCLE
YOU PULLED.

I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

THE PROBLEM
IS, THAT UNLESS
MR. TAYLOR

IS ALLOWED TO
CONTINUE HIS
STUDIES,

THE WORLD
IS GOING TO
BE DEPRIVED

OF HIS
STAGGERING
GIFT.

AND THAT WOULD
BE A SHAME.

IS THERE
ANY WAY

THAT I CAN DEFER TUITION

UNTIL I CAN FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO GET A LOAN?

YOU DON'T NEED A LOAN.

HOW ELSE IS HE
SUPPOSED TO PAY?

IT'S ALREADY BEEN PAID.

IT'S IN YOUR FILE.

YOU... YOU SAID
YOUR ASSHOLE
FATHER REFUSED.

HE DID.

I MEAN, I
THOUGHT HE DID.

WELL, APPARENTLY
HE CHANGED HIS MIND.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU
SAID TO HIM, IT WORKED.

[ Loud kissing ]

CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. TAYLOR.

THE WORLD CAN
NOW ANTICIPATE
YOUR GIFT.

[ Chuckle ]

I SHOULD STAND HIM UP,
SAME AS ANY MAN'LL DO.

AND YOU THINK
THAT TO KILL HIM

WILL MAKE YOU A MAN?

[ Lip-synching ]
WELL, I
DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THAT.

AND I KNOW
THAT I THOUGHT
ABOUT HIM

EVERY DAY FOR
FIVE YEARS.

AND THAT WAS THE
ONLY THING THAT
KEPT ME GOING.

[ Banging on door ]

Actress:
DO YOU?

THERE ARE NOT
MANY CHANCES
IN LIFE

TO BE HAPPY.

AND I THINK
THAT WE HAVE A
GOOD ONE NOW.

WON'T YOU TRY TO
FORGET THIS...

YOU PLANNING
ON COMING IN?

IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR SOME-
ONE, THERE'S NO
ONE ELSE HERE.

FOR A
CHANGE.

IS THAT A NEW
COFFEE TABLE?

MIES VAN DER ROHE.
HMMM.

MUST'VE COST
A FORTUNE.
YEP.

I WENT BY
THE BURSARY'S
OFFICE TODAY.

I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.

WHAT?
TUITION.

OH, THAT.

WHY, IS SOMEONE
ELSE COVERING IT?

NO.

WELL THEN, YOU
CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO.

BUT WE'RE NOT
TOGETHER ANY MORE.

WE SIGNED AN
AGREEMENT.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO HONOUR IT.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

I COULD BE POOR
FOR A LONG TIME.

YEAH WELL, KNOWING
YOUR TASTES, YOU'D
BETTER NOT BE.

[ Scoffing ]

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A
SHITLOAD OF GREAT MONEY-
MAKING OPPORTUNITIES.

YOU HAVE ONE.

AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING
SOMETHING?

THANK YOU.

NOT THAT.

THAT.

YOUR COMPUTER.
I PACKED IT
FOR YOU.

IT'S YOURS.

BULLSHIT.

YOU NEED IT.

TAKE IT.

Actress: [ On TV ]
I LOVE YOU.

[ *** ]

Actor: [ On TV ]
WAIT A MINUTE...

THE GRANDFATHER
CLAUSE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'D USE SUCH A
LUDICROUS EXCUSE!

IT SEEMED TO MAKE SENSE
WHEN BRIAN EXPLAINED IT.

OR THAT YOU'D
EVEN GO TO...

GULDEN'S HOUSE TO TELL
HIM YOU COULDN'T SEE HIM.

DIJON.
YEAH,
WHATEVER!

HAVEN'T YOU
EVER HEARD
OF THE PHONE?

COREY, DON'T RUB
IT RAW, OKAY?

YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER HOUR
AND A HALF. WOULD
YOU GO, PLEASE?

Various:
[ Moaning/groaning ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

Emmett:
[ Sobbing ]

YOU KNOW THE
ONE THING I WISH

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN
THE WORLD RIGHT NOW?

I WISH THAT I COULD
TALK TO MY BEST
FRIEND, TEDDY.

HE'S ALWAYS
SO... WISE
AND CARING.

ONLY NOW HE'S MY
BOYFRIEND. AND...

WELL, THERE'S JUST
SOME THINGS...

YOU CAN'T SAY TO YOUR
BOYFRIEND, NO MATTER...

HOW MUCH Y-YOU LOVE HIM.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH ME.

I MEAN, I... I
MUST BE CRAZY.

I NO SOONER GET TOGETHER
WITH THIS REALLY...

WONDERFUL GUY,

THAN I GO AND
DO SOMETHING

WITH SOMEONE THAT MEANS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...

TO ME.

I MEAN... WHY DO
I DO THESE THINGS?

BECAUSE YOU NEVER MET
A COCK YOU DIDN'T LIKE.

[ Bitter chuckle ]

IT'S PART
OF YOUR
CHARM, SO...

DON'T BE SO HARD
ON YOURSELF.

THAT'S YOUR BEST
FRIEND SPEAKING.

BUT AS YOUR
BOYFRIEND,

I HAVE TO SAY
THAT WHAT YOU DID

WAS A FLAGRANT BETRAYAL.

I'M NOT SURE THAT I CAN
EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN.

THEN AGAIN,

AS YOUR... BEST
FRIEND, IT'S...

UNDERSTANDABLE THAT YOU'D
GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION.

I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN
SINGLE ALL THESE YEARS.

IT'S NOT EASY TO JUST
SETTLE DOWN OVERNIGHT.

STILL, IT'S
ONE THING
TO KNOW THAT

AS YOUR BEST FRIEND,

IT'S ANOTHER THING TO
ACCEPT IT AS YOUR LOVER.

I'M SORRY, TEDDY.

FOR HURTING YOU.

AND...

FOR DESTROYING WHAT
WE MIGHT'VE HAD.

[ Sniffling ]

HERE.

THESE AREN'T
USUALLY USED
FOR WIPING TEARS.

BUT...
YEAH, I KNOW.

[ Sniffle ]

[ Sigh ]

I DON'T BLAME YOU
FOR HATING ME.

[ Sighing ]
I DON'T
HATE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW YOU
VERY WELL.

AND I STILL
LOVE YOU.

ARE YOU, UH...

ARE YOU SAYING
THAT AS MY...
[ Sigh ]

BEST FRIEND? OR MY LOVER?

BOTH?

[ Sobbing/
sniffling ]

I'M SORRY,
HONEY.

I'M SO SORRY.
I KNOW.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE OPEN LATE.

[ Closing of door ]

INVENTORY.

I SUPPOSE
YOU CAME
FOR THIS.

HMMM.

$600?
[ Clearing
of throat ]

THAT'S WHAT
WE'VE MADE ON
"RAGE" SO FAR,
MINUS THE COSTS.

I MEANT TO
BRING IT BY THE
DINER, BUT...

OKAY.

I WAS THINKING.

WHAT IF J.T.

PLAYS THE TRUMPET
FOR HIS HIGH
SCHOOL BAND,

AND RAGE TEACHES
HIM WITH HIS...

MIND CONTROL
POWERS, TO
PLAY A NOTE

SO LOUD AND
SO HIGH,

THAT HE CAN
BLOW THINGS UP?

LIKE HIS
HOMOPHOBIC
PRINCIPAL?

NOT BAD.

IT'S FUCKING
GENIUS AND
YOU KNOW IT.

EXCEPT I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO WORK TOGETHER
ANY MORE.

A DEAL'S
A DEAL.

[ Closing of door ]

[ Beeping of cell phone ]

WHERE ARE YOU?

Brian: [ On phone ]
Where you never
grow old.

WHAT?
Where everything
is beautiful.

I SHOULD'VE GUESSED.
Come on, Mikey.

We can be beautiful
together, just you and me.
I... I CAN'T TONIGHT.

I've got some great shit.
I SAID I CAN'T.

I-I'VE GOTTA
GO HOME. HOME?
What?

YEAH, AND IF I'M
LUCKY HE'LL BE THERE.

[ *** ]

[ *** ]

MOO!

[ *** ]

* OH YES *

[ *** ]

* CAN YOU FEEL IT? *