Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 10 - Episode #3.10 - full transcript

Brian and Justin clash over Stockwell: he's good for Brian's business, but bad for the community. Ted takes a dangerous detour on his way to a weekend getaway. Melanie finds Michael's "doting dad" routine annoying. Hunter, the street hustler, calls in a favor from Ben.

ONE TWO, THREE, FOUR,

ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

SHAKE IT, DUDE.

[ Rumble of traffic/
beeping of car horn ]

Justin:
MAN CANNOT
LIVE

ON THE BACK
ROOM OF BABYLON
ALONE.

IT'LL BE FUN
TO FUCK SOME
PLACE DIFFERENT
FOR A CHANGE.

Justin:
WHEN DID
THAT HAPPEN?

HOW THE FUCK
DO I KNOW?

COME ON.

Justin:
SHIT!



THEM TOO?

WELL, LET'S
TRY THE ADONIS.

COME AGAIN.

THE QUESTIONS
IS, WHERE?

[ Wailing of siren ]

WHAT'RE YOU BOYS UP TO?

WE'RE JUST
LOOKING FOR
A GOOD PLACE
TO FUCK.

KNOW OF ANY?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

19.
LET ME SEE
SOME I.D.

[ Sighing ]

[ Sniffling ]

YOU WERE HOPING
FOR SOMETHING
YOUNGER?

ARE YOU HOPING
TO CALL YOUR
LAWYER TONIGHT



FROM A HOLDING
CELL AT THE
PRECINCT?

UH, HE'S JUST A
LITTLE RAMBUNC-
TIOUS, OFFICER.

YOU KNOW HOW
THEY ARE AT
HIS AGE.

GO HOME, BOYS.
THE PARTY'S OVER.

[ Grunting ]

IT'S BECOME A
BONA FIDE POLICE
STATE HERE

ON BEAUTIFUL
LOSS-OF-LIBERTY
AVENUE.

SOMETHING'S
GOTTA BE DONE!

YEAH... ME.

[ Panting ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Groan ]

[ Moaning ]

THAT'S FOR THE BOYS
AT THE PRECINCT, JIM.

Brian:
[ Laughing ]

Brian:
MORNING, BOYS.

Michael:
MISSED YOU
AT BABYLON
LAST NIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS SUCH A
LOVELY EVENING,

JUSTIN AND
I DECIDED TO
TAKE A STROLL.

OH, YOU SHOULD'VE
BEEN THERE.

I HEAR IT WAS AN
OVERFLOW CROWD.

FILLED TO CAPACITY.

Brian:
WHAT WAS THE
ENTICEMENT?

FREE AIRLINE MILES FOR
EVERY COCK YOU SUCK?

HUH. THERE'S NO-
WHERE ELSE TO GO.

STOCKWELL'S CLOSED
DOWN HALF THE STREET.

AND YOU'VE EMPOWERED
HIM DO TO IT.

FRANKLY, HE'S
DOING US A FAVOUR.

THE GRAVEL PIT WAS
ALWAYS A SKANK-HOLE.

THE ONLY THING I
EVER PICKED UP THERE
WAS A CASE OF CRABS.

THE BATHS WERE
ALWAYS FULL
OF TROLLS,

AND THE ADONIS HADN'T
CLEANED THE CUM
OFF THEIR FLOORS

SINCE THE DAY THEY OPENED.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

OUR WORLD'S BEING
TAKEN AWAY FROM US.

AND THAT INCLUDES
OUR RIGHT TO FUCK
WHEREVER WE WANT.

I THOUGHT SOMEHOW
THAT MIGHT HAVE PERSONAL
SIGNIFICANCE FOR YOU.

THE ONLY THING
THAT HAS PERSONAL
SIGNIFICANCE TO HIM

IS SIGNING UP
STOCKWELL'S BACKERS
AND MOVING TO NEW YORK.

[ Clicking of tongue ]

Man:
OKAY, WILL
YOU PLEASE
CALM DOWN?

Ted:
NO, I WILL
NOT CALM DOWN!

I AM JUST DOING
WHAT I'M TOLD.
BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I
WANT TO SEE THE
FUCKING MANAGER NOW!

NOW!

HEY, HEY, HEY,
WHAT... WHA...
W-WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S GOING ON?
THEY WON'T
LET ME IN!

WE GOT AN INSUFFI-
CIENT FUNDS NOTICE
FROM THE BANK

WHEN WE TRIED TO
BILL HIS ACCOUNT.

THAT'S BULLSHIT!

I-I'M SURE IT'S
JUST A MIX-UP.

WE WILL GET YOU A GUEST
MEMBERSHIP FOR NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE BEEN COMING
HERE FOR NINE YEARS.

NINE YEARS!

YOU'D THINK YOU COULD
SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

FUCK YOU AND
YOUR MEMBERSHIP!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

HONEY, YOU SHOULD
SEE THE CARNAGE

WHEN YOGA SELLS OUT.

POOR TEDDY. THESE
DAYS, THE SLIGHTEST
LITTLE AFFRONT

IS LIKE A KNIFE
IN HIS HEART.

MAYBE WHAT
HE NEEDS IS
A VACATION.

MAYBE WHAT HE
NEEDS IS AN
INDUSTRIAL-
STRENGTH VALIUM.

VALIUM?

WELL LOOK
AT IT. IT'S
BEATING
SO FAST!

OH, THAT'S
QUITE NORMAL.

PREGNANCY'S
HARD WORK,

FOR BOTH THE
CHILD AND
THE MOTHER.

ESPECIALLY AFTER
MELANIE'S ENDOMETRIOSIS.

ENDO... MEETRY... WHAT?

YOU'LL PROB-
ABLY DISCOVER

THAT THE
PAIN'LL
SUBSIDE

DURING THE
PREGNANCY.
PAIN? WHAT PAIN?

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

SHE SHOULD STILL
BE TAKING IT EASY.

RIGHT, DOCTOR?
IS SOMETHING
THE MATTER?

EVERYONE,
PLEASE STOP
WORRYING.

I AM NOT
WORRYING.
I AM!

I WAS JUST MAKING
A SUGGESTION.

THERE'S NO HARM
IN TAKING IT EASY.

SHE'S PRACTICALLY
WORKING HERSELF

INTO A STATE
OF EXHAUSTION.
WHAT?

I AM NOT WORKING
MYSELF INTO A STATE
OF EXHAUSTION.

PLEASE. SHE THINKS
SHE CAN DO IT ALL.

BECAUSE I CAN!

Doctor:
YOU NEED TO
BE CAREFUL,
MELANIE,

NOT TO OVERDO.

TOO MUCH STRESS,
NOT EATING PROPERLY,

THESE ALL CAN
LEAD TO SERIOUS
COMPLICATIONS.

JESUS.
I TAKE CARE
OF MYSELF,

I REALLY DO.

IT'S JUST,
MY DARLING,
DEVOTED PARTNER

IS SIMPLY
OVERREACTING

AND DRIVING ME NUTS!

YOU'D THINK WITH
ALL THE CHRONIC
MASTURBATION HE'D
BE CALM BUT...

HE'S A
JANGLE OF
NERVES.

IT'S NOT FUNNY!

MEL'S RUNNING
HERSELF RAGGED.

THAT'S WHAT YOU
GET WHEN YOU'RE
ALWAYS ON THE RAG.

AND THERE'S
NOTHING YOU
CAN DO, OKAY?

SHE'S THE ONE
CARRYING THE BABY.

OUR BABY.

Ben:
SO?

DID YOU SEE IT?

WHAT... WHAT
DID IT LOOK
LIKE?

DID IT HAVE YOUR
CUTE LITTLE TURNED-UP
NOSE AND BUTTON EYES

AND PERFECTLY-
SHAPED PENIS?

YOU REALLY
THINK SO?

HEY, HEY!

IT'S THE SIZE
OF A PEANUT.

[ Beeping of
cell phone ]

THE BABY!

I MEAN, IT'S
AMAZING.

IT'S REALLY
FUCKIN' AMAZING.

HELLO?

YES?

MY WHAT?

OH.

RIGHT, RIGHT,
RIGHT.

WELL, IS HE ALL RIGHT?

Y... NO, I-I SEE...

I TEACH UNTIL 3:00, BUT
I CAN BE THERE AFTER THAT.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?

Y-YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

UM, I WILL
SEE YOU LATER.

PLEASE STOP
WORRYING.

WHO'S WORRYING?

THAT'S MY
JOB, DAMMIT.

MELANIE'S WORK-
ING TOO HARD,

AND
MICHAEL...

MICHAEL'S WORRIED
FOR THE LIFE
OF HIS CHILD!

SWEETHEART,
LET ME TELL
YOU A STORY.

ONCE UPON A
GODFORSAKEN TIME,

THERE WAS A BEAU-
TIFUL PRINCESS

AND SHE WORKED
HER ASS OFF

UNTIL THE DAY SHE
POPPED HER KID.

AND SHE WENT
BACK TO WORK
THREE DAYS LATER.

THAT DIANA WAS
AN INSPIRATION.

THE BOTTOM
LINE IS,

I COULDN'T AFFORD
THE LUXURY OF
NOT WORKING.

I HAD TO EARN
A LIVING.

YEAH, BUT
YOU WERE 17.

MEL'S IN HER 30s,

AND SHE'S GOT ENDO-
METRY-WHATEVER-THE-
FUCK-IT'S-CALLED,

AND NOW SHE'S
TAKEN ON THE
BIGGEST COURT
CASE OF HER LIFE.

YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET:
SHE'S A CWAZY WESBIAN.

NOW DO YOU SEE
WHY I'M WORRIED?

WELL?

SAY SOMETHING!

[ Ringing of order bell ]

SOMEBODY BETTER
KEEP AN EYE
ON THAT GIRL.

OH MY GOD! NOW
I REALLY NEED
A VALIUM.

Ted:[ Reading ]
"TRY DISCOUNT VIAGRA."

"WATCH TEENAGE GIRLS DOING
IT WITH FARM ANIMALS."

WHOO-HOO. I CAN
HARDLY WAIT.

"REFINANCE YOUR HOME."

LIKE I NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT THAT ANY MORE.

"UNDERGROUND SEX PARTY."

WHAT, WITH CORPSES?

"YOU'VE RECEIVED THIS CUZ
YOU'RE ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S
HOTTEST SEX-PIGS."

BOY, DOES YOUR LIST
NEED UPDATING.

"CUM JOIN THE HOTTEST
SEX PARTY IN TOWN

TOMORROW AT THE
PARADISE MOTEL."

THAT FILTHY,
PESTILENCE-
RIDDEN HOLE?

NOW IF THEY WANT TO
CLOSE SOME PLACE, WHY
DON'T THEY CLOSE THAT?

[ Opening of door ]
SORRY, BOYS,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO PARTY WITHOUT ME.

WELL, IT'S
ALL CONFIRMED.

OUR RESERVATION AT
THE MAPLE LEAF INN!

EM, I TOLD YOU,
I CAN'T AFFORD

TO GO TO THE COUNTRY,
NOT EVEN FOR A NIGHT.

AND I TOLD YOU,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S MY TREAT!

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO TREAT ME!

I'M NOT A CHARITY CASE.

[ Loud sigh ]
ACTUALLY I AM.

[ Clinking of bottles ]
TEDDY...

HOW MANY TIMES WERE
YOU THERE FOR ME

WHEN I COULDN'T
EVEN AFFORD TO
PAY MY PHONE BILL?

NOW IT IS
MY TURN

TO BE THERE FOR YOU.

[ Dropping of keys ]

COME ON,

IT'LL DO YOU
GOOD TO GET AWAY,

RELAX, FORGET
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

HMM, THAT SHOULDN'T
BE HARD TO DO,

CONSIDERING
I HAVE NOTHING.

AREN'T YOU FORGET-
TING ONE THING?

YOU STILL HAVE ME.

[ Ringing of
cell phone ]

OOH, GOD.

HELLO?

YES, THIS IS HE.

OH! I'D BE DELIGHTED.
[ Chuckling ]

UH, UH,
TOMORROW?

WELL, ACTUALLY, UM, UH,
TOMORROW'S NOT GOOD...

MM, I...
I SEE.

WELL, UH, UH, LET'S
SAY AROUND 2:00 THEN?

I LOOK FORWARD
TO IT. OKAY.

YOU WILL NEVER
GUESS WHO
THAT WAS.

THAT WAS
MRS. HENRY ASHCROFT
THE THIRD.

WIFE OF
HENRY ASHCROFT
THE THIRD.

ANYWAY, UH, SHE
HEARD ABOUT ME FROM
ONE OF HER FRIENDS,

AND WANTS ME TO
DO HER NEXT PARTY.

MY, MY. YOUR STAR
IS CERTAINLY ON
THE ASCENDANT.

THE ONLY TROUBLE
IS, UH, SHE INSISTS,
INSISTS, INSISTS...

THAT I MEET WITH
HER TOMORROW.

IT'S THE ONLY
TIME SHE HAS.

WELL, SO MUCH FOR ENJOY-
ING THE BUCOLIC CHARM

OF RURAL PENNSYLVANIA.

NO. YOU
KNOW WHAT?

I WANT YOU
TO GO ANYWAY.

I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT YOU,

ESPECIALLY SINCE
YOU'RE PAYING.

WELL, IT MIGHT
BE EVEN BETTER
THIS WAY.

YOU NEED SOME
TIME ALONE

TO... COMMUNE
WITH NATURE...

WITH YOUR SOUL.

WHAT THE FUCK
TOOK YOU SO LONG?

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

SO I GOT A CALL...

TELLING ME "MY NEPHEW"
WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.

WHICH WAS
SURPRISING,

SINCE I DON'T
HAVE A NEPHEW.

YOU DO NOW...
"UNC".

WELL, SINCE
WE'RE "RELATED",

YOU MIND TELL-
ING ME WHAT'S
GOING ON?

THE DOCTOR SAYS
I HAVE SOME KIND
OF KIDNEY INFECTION.

HMM.
HURTS LIKE HELL.

I HEAR THEY CAN
BE PRETTY PAINFUL.

I PASSED OUT,
RIGHT ON THE
SIDEWALK.

AFTER LAYING
THERE FOR
AN HOUR,

SOMEBODY FINALLY
BOTHERED TO CALL
AN AMBULANCE.

WELL, AT LEAST
YOU'RE HERE NOW.

I'M SURE THAT
THEY'LL TAKE
GOOD CARE OF YOU.

THEY WANTED TO
KNOW THE NAME OF MY
PARENT OR GUARDIAN.

SO I GAVE
'EM YOURS.

UH-H...
WELL YOU SAID
I SHOULD CALL

IF THERE WAS
A PROBLEM.

THERE WAS A PROBLEM.

I AM NOT GOING
TO LIE TO THEM,

GET MYSELF
IN TROUBLE,
YOU AS WELL.

I'D BETTER
GO EXPLAIN TO
THEM THAT...
NO, WAIT!

IF YOU TELL
THEM YOU'RE
NOT MY UNCLE,

THEY'LL CALL
THE POLICE.

THEY'LL PUT
ME BACK IN
THE SYSTEM.

HUNTER, THAT
MAY NOT BE THE
WORST THING.

YOU THINK SO?

I TOLD YOU WHAT
IT WAS LIKE!
WEREN'T YOU
LISTENING?

I'M SURE THERE
MUST BE SOME
DECENT FAMILIES.

THEY'RE NOT
GONNA WANT ME.

THEY'RE GONNA
WANT SOME CUTE
LITTLE THREE-
YEAR-OLD.

I GET TO ROT
IN SOME COUNTY
HOME WITH THE
OTHER REJECTS.

WELL, THERE MUST BE
SOME OTHER SOLUTION.

HUNTER, I'M SORRY.

WHY'D YOU EVEN
BOTHER GIVING
ME YOUR NUMBER,
ASSHOLE?

SO YOU FEEL LIKE
SOME FUCKIN'
DO-GOODER?

NEXT TIME, DON'T
EVEN BOTHER!

[ Approaching footsteps ]

BEN BRUCKNER?

UH... YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE HUNTER'S
UNCLE?

UH...
I'M GOING TO NEED
YOU TO FILL OUT
SOME FORMS.

WHOOPS.

NOT TONIGHT!

DON'T YOU WANT
TO PARTY LIKE
IT'S "1984"?

THERE'S SOMETHING
I GOT TO DO.

YEAH, ME TOO.

I'LL CATCH
YOU LATER.

[ Inhaling
deeply ]

YOU'RE UNDER
ARREST FOR THE
POSSESSION OF
ILLEGAL DRUGS.

AH.

I HAVE A
BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE GO
TO THE BACK ROOM,

AND PLAY
GOOD COCK...
OOOH.

BAD COCK?
OH-H.

[ Footsteps ]

SOMEBODY THERE?

[ Footsteps ]

WHO IS IT?

I'VE GOT MACE...

IF I CAN EVER
FUCKING FIND IT.

IT'S JUST
ME, MEL.

OH!
IT'S JUST ME!

MICHAEL!
DON'T SHOOT.

OH, JESUS!
FUCKING CHRIST!

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING
HERE?

I JUST THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT NEED SOME HELP
WITH THE GROCERIES.

[ Sigh ]

GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T
GET THAT 10-GALLON
BOTTLE OF DETERGENT.

WERE YOU IN
THE SUPERMARKET?

HAVE YOU BEEN
SPYING ON ME?
NO!

WELL, KINDA.

[ Sigh ]

CAN YOU BELIEVE JUNIOR
DETECTIVE'S BEEN
SPYING ON ME ALL DAY?

YOU HAVE?

WELL, I WAS
WORRIED!

YOUR DOCTOR SAID YOU
SHOULD WATCH YOUR
STRESS LEVEL, SO...

SO YOU DECIDED TO RAISE
IT BY NEARLY GIVING
ME A HEART ATTACK?

WELL, MICHAEL
DOES HAVE A POINT.

I MEAN, WORKING
ALL DAY, DOING THE
GROCERIES AT MIDNIGHT,

AND NEXT TIME,

LET THE BOX-BOY HELP
YOU TO YOUR CAR.

I DON'T FUCKING
BELIEVE THIS!

I AM ONLY 10
WEEKS PREGNANT!

I-IS THIS
THE KIND

OF OVERBEARING, OVER-
PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOUR

I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?

SHH, GUS IS
SLEEPING, HONEY.

WELL, IT HAD BETTER
STOP RIGHT NOW!

DO I HAVE
YOUR WORD?

DO I?

I THINK YOU
BETTER SAY YES.

OKAY. I WON'T
SPY ON YOU
ANY MORE.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU FUCKIN'
LOOK AT THAT?

ISN'T IT
FABULOUS?

THEY'RE
UP ALL
OVER TOWN.

IT ADDS A
NEEDED TOUCH
OF CLASS TO THE
NEIGHBOURHOOD.

ISN'T THERE A FINE FOR
DEFACING PUBLIC PROPERTY?

WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE DID IT?

IT'S A BIG MYSTERY.
NO ONE KNOWS.

AH, IT'S LIKE OUR VERY
OWN SECRET AVENGER!

IT'S ABOUT
TIME SOMEBODY
SPOKE OUT.

BESIDES YOU?

Justin:
HEY.

CHRIST, SUNSHINE!

YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN
UP ALL NIGHT.

I WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT.

WELL, IF YOU'RE
DONE WITH HIM,

WILL YOU PASS
HIM ON TO ME?

NOT THAT KIND OF PROJECT.

SO WHAT DOES
OUR RESIDENT
ART STUDENT
THINK?

YES, CARE
TO CRITIQUE?

Justin:
THE MESSAGE IS
HEAVY-HANDED,

THE GRAPHICS ARE CRUDE.

EVERYBODY'S A
FUCKIN' CRITIC.

I LIKE THE BOLD
COARSENESS OF
THE DESIGN.

IT'S VERY MUCH IN THE GREAT
TRADITION OF AGIT-PROP ART.

Debbie:
WHAT?

PROPAGANDA POSTERS
TO AGITATE THE MASSES.

Debbie:
OH.

THIS OUGHT TO "AGITATE"
STOCKWELL'S BOWELS

WHEN HE SEES IT!

Debbie:
[ Laughing ]

I'D BETTER TAKE OFF.

I WANT TO GET
TO THE COUNTRY
BEFORE IT GETS
TOO DARK.

DRIVE SAFELY.

Debbie:
DON'T PICK UP
ANY STRANGERS!

UNLESS THEY'RE HOT.

WELL, HAVE A
FABULOUS TIME.

FORGET ABOUT
EVERYTHING.

EXCEPT ME,
OF COURSE!
[ Chuckle ]

OH, AND, UH...

HERE'S A LITTLE
SOMETHING,
JUST IN CASE.

NEVER KNOW
WHEN YOU MIGHT
NEED IT.

[ Ignition of engine ]

[ Ringing of telephone ]

[ Flushing of toilet ]

JESUS, DIDN'T YOU
HEAR THE PHONE?

OH, I'M SORRY, I W... I WAS
WORKING ON THIS CHAPTER.

MY MIND WAS A
MILLION MILES AWAY.

HELLO?

YES, WHO'S CALLING?

UM... ONE MOMENT.

IT'S ALLEGHENY GENERAL.

THEY WANT TO
VERIFY YOUR
BILLING ADDRESS.

YEAH.

HELLO?

YES?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YES, THAT'S
ALL CORRECT.

WAIT, I'M SORRY,
THAT... THAT'S
PRETTY STEEP.

NO, NO, NO,
ONE PAYMENT WILL
BE FINE. UH...

YEAH, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.

[ Replacing of receiver ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

IT WAS THE
HOSPITAL.

YEAH, I KNOW.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

ARE YOU SICK? WHY
DIDN'T YOU TELL...

IT'S NOT ME.

IT'S HUNTER.

H... HUNTER.

AS IN "HUNTER
THE HUSTLER"?

IT WAS...
AN EMERGENCY.

OKAY? HE HAD
A... HE HAD A
KIDNEY INFECTION,

BUT HE'S GOING
TO BE OKAY.

SO WHAT'S WITH
THE BILLING INFO?

I TOLD THEM
I'D PAY FOR IT.

WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT?

IT'S A COUPLE OF THOUSAND.

A COUPLE OF THOUSAND.

ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR MIND? WHY YOU?

THEY THINK THAT
I'M HIS UNCLE.

AND WHY DO THEY
THINK THAT?

BECAUSE I SAID SO.
MICHAEL, IF I HADN'T,

THEY WOULD HAVE PUT
HIM IN SOME GOD-AWFUL
COUNTY FACILITY.

I DON'T WANT TO
HEAR ABOUT IT!

THIS KID IS NOT
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

HE WAS IN TROUBLE,
HE NEEDED HELP.

AND THERE YOU
WERE, CHARGING
TO THE RESCUE.

WELL, Y...
YOU'RE GONNA GO
BACK DOWN THERE

AND TELL THEM
THE TRUTH,

AND THEY'RE
GONNA CALL
FAMILY SERVICES

OR WHOEVER THE
FUCK BECAUSE
WE'RE NOT GET-
TING INVOLVED!

NOT!

DO I MAKE MYSELF
UNDERSTOOD?

"HAVE A FABULOUS TIME."

"FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING."
[ Ringing of cell phone ]

[ Sighing ]

HELLO?

Emmett:[ On phone ]
Hi, baby!

Just, uh, checking
in. You on your way?

TO THE PROMISED LAND.

I HEAR IT'S PARADISE!

CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE.

Will do.

[ Sigh ]

"PARADISE".

"YOU'VE RECEIVED THIS CUZ
YOU'RE ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S
HOTTEST SEX-PIGS."

ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S
HOTTEST SEX-PIGS.

[ Tooting of car horn ]

[ Honking of car horn ]

[ Blaring of car horns ]

THERE'S A NEW
RESTAURANT I'D
LIKE TO TRY.

FOOD GOT
ONE STAR,

WAITERS GOT FOUR.

YOU WANT TO
CHECK IT OUT?

YEAH, I'D
LOVE TO,

NOT TONIGHT
THOUGH.

I'M BUSY.

ANOTHER "PROJECT"?
[ Knocking at door ]

Cynthia:
BRIAN.

THANKS, CYNTHIA.

LET'S GO TO
MY OFFICE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE
EDITORIAL PAGE?

THEY'RE CALLING
ME A NAZI.

A NAZI!

AND IT'S BECAUSE
OF THOSE GOD-
DAMNED POSTERS!

UM, WHY DON'T
YOU FINISH
THAT LATER?

THANKS.

[ Closing of door ]

THEY'RE A PRANK.

IT'S A JOKE.

IT'S NOT A JOKE!

THEY'RE EVERY-
WHERE YOU LOOK.
DRIVING OVER
HERE, I SAW THEM

PRACTICALLY
ON EVERY
STREET CORNER.

THERE'S EVEN
ONE IN FRONT
OF POLICE
HEADQUARTERS!

WELL, THEN
HAVE IT REMOVED.
YOU'RE THE CHIEF.

I NEED YOU TO
COME UP WITH SOME
KIND OF A SPOT.

WHAT FOR?
TO REFUTE THIS.

PEOPLE ARE
LAUGHING.

THAT'S BECAUSE
IT'S FUNNY.

HMM?

IF YOU TAKE
THOSE POSTERS
SERIOUSLY,

THEY WILL ROAST
YOU ALIVE.

THE BEST WAY
TO DEAL WITH IT

IS TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF,

HARDER THAN ANYONE.

WHEN'S YOUR
NEXT PUBLIC
APPEARANCE?

LUNCH WITH THE
BUSINESSMEN'S
ASSOCIATION
IN AN HOUR.

THEN "GOOD AFTERNOON
PITTSBURGH".

IT'S PERFECT.

GET IN FRONT
OF THE CAMERAS

AND JOKE
ABOUT IT.

IN FACT, YOU
BRING IT UP.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THESE
POSTERS OF ME? HA HA."

LET THE VOTERS KNOW THAT
YOU WELCOME DISSENSION,

AND THAT UNLIKE
NAZI GERMANY,

WE'RE BLESSED TO LIVE
IN A FREE SOCIETY

WHERE ALL VOICES
ARE HEARD,

AND THAT AS MAYOR,
YOU INTEND TO KEEP
IT THAT WAY.

NOW LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.

HUH.

KEEP PRACTICING.

Men:
[ Moaning on television ]

Men:
[ Gasping/
moaning ]

$1.25 FOR
A FUCKING
CAN OF SODA.

YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

75. SHIT.

DON'T EXACTLY
HAVE ANY POCKETS.

OH, HERE,
LET ME.

THANKS.

SO, UH...

WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE? ORANGE?
ROOT BEER?

I'D LOVE
SOME COKE.
[ Sniffing ]

GOT ANY?

AH, NOT
THAT KIND.

TOO BAD THERE'S
NOT A MACHINE
FOR THAT.

WHAT ABOUT
FAVOURS?

UH, NOT REALLY.

GOT SOME IN
MY ROOM IF
YOU'D LIKE.

UH... NO. THANKS.
IT'S NOT REALLY
MY THING.

I'M MARK.

TED.

IT'S REALLY CLEAN.
I WOULDN'T DO
IT, OTHERWISE.
SEE, UH...

[ Sniffing ]
I'M A DOCTOR.

EAR, NOSE AND
THROAT. GOT TO
BE CAREFUL

NOT TO DAMAGE THE
NASAL PASSAGES.

WELL, YOU'RE
THE EXPERT.

WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU STOP BY?

I'M IN 37. WE
GOT A BIT OF
A PARTY GOING.

NICE BUNCH
OF GUYS.

CUTE TOO.

UH, THANKS, UH...

BUT I-I'M JUST ON
MY WAY UP NORTH.

WELL IF YOU
DECIDE TO
GO SOUTH...

COME JOIN US.

YES, THANKS
FOR THE SODA.

Men:
[ Groaning ]

HAPPY NOW?

ALMOST.
ALMOST.

THE OTHER PART YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO EVEN BE
HAPPY THAT YOU RAISED.

Hunter:
[ Chuckling ]
YOU WANT HER TO PAY FOR...

WHERE DO
THEY GET
THESE JUDGES?

ARE THEY REALLY JUDGES?
[ Chatter on television ]

AND THOSE LOSERS
SUING EACH OTHER.

HOW COME THEY'RE ALL FAT?

TURN IT OFF.

Judge: [ On Television ]
...AND TAKE HER
TO THE DOCTOR.

Man:
NO, SHE...
VERY GOOD.

AND YOU DON'T GET PAID
FOR THE VASECTOMY.
YOU'RE OVER 21...

WHAT'S UP?

THIS LITTLE
HOSPITAL
STAY OF YOURS

IS COSTING ME A
COUPLE THOUSAND
DOLLARS.

HUH. NO SHIT.

AND FOR WHAT? SO YOU
CAN GO BACK TO LIVING
ON THE STREET?

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU CALL PRACTICALLY
FREEZING TO DEATH,

SLEEPING IN DOORWAYS,
"ALL RIGHT"?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR
A FUCKING LECTURE.

WELL, YOU'RE GOING
TO GET ONE ANYWAY.

INSTEAD OF
PEDDLING
YOUR ASS,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE
THINKING OF THIS

AS A WAKE-UP CALL,

AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO
TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEAH, I SHOULD GO ON
ONE OF THOSE LUNATIC
RELIGIOUS SHOWS

AND PRAISE THE LORD

FOR GIVING
ME THIS SECOND
CHANCE.

"I'M SAVED! I'M SAVED."

AND I MIGHT AS WELL
SAVE MYSELF SOME CASH.

I'M GOING TO
GO TELL THAT
SOCIAL WORKER
THE TRUTH.

STRAIGHTEN THIS MESS
OUT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

YOU HAVE YOURSELF
A GOOD LIFE,

AND THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR A SUCKER,

YOU CALL SOMEBODY ELSE.

EXCUSE ME,

I'D, UH, LIKE
TO SPEAK TO A
SOCIAL WORKER
PLEASE,

ABOUT THE
PATIENT IN 216.

ARE YOU HUNTER'S
GUARDIAN?

ACTUALLY, I'M...
Nurse:
EXCUSE ME,
DOCTOR.

SORRY.

WE'RE RELEASING
HIM TOMORROW. BUT
BEFORE WE DO,

I THINK THERE'S SOME-
THING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

Melanie:
I KNOW IT'S LATE, BUT
I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

UH, I'LL BE
HOME IN A FEW.

OH SHIT!

[ Sighing ]

[ Groans of pain ]

Michael:
ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

UH, MICHAEL.

UH... I'M FINE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

IT'S JUST
A LITTLE
INDIGESTION.

I THOUGHT WE'D
AGREED YOU'D
STOP STALKING ME.

I LIED. IT'S A GOOD
THING THAT I DID.

I ALREADY TOLD
YOU WHAT IT IS.
YEAH.

INDIGESTION.

YOU KNOW, DESPITE
WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,

DO NOT EAT SOUR
PICKLES WHEN
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
[ Chuckling ]

YEAH, I'LL TRY
AND REMEMBER THAT.

[ Moaning ]
MEL, ARE
YOU OKAY?

[ Groaning ]

[ Whirring of
photocopier ]

Brian:
TAYLOR, WHAT
ARE YOU STILL
DOING HERE?

LET ME GUESS.

THE MAD AVENGER
WAS TOO CHEAP TO
DO HIS COPYING
AT KINKO'S,

SO YOU OFFERED
TO DO IT FOR HIM?

I TOLD YOU, IT'S JUST AN
ART PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.

UH-HUH.

[ Chuckling ]
WELL, I'M SURE
YOU'LL GET
AN A-PLUS

EVEN IF IT IS
A BIT CRUDE AND
HEAVY-HANDED,

LOOK, I DIDN'T
THINK ANYONE
WOULD BE HERE
THIS LATE.

SO...

YOU FOUND OUT MY
SECRET IDENTITY.

OH, WELL, FUN'S
OVER, SUPER-BOY.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

YOU MADE YOUR
STATEMENT ONCE.
THAT'S ENOUGH.

NOW IT'S TIME
TO CUT IT OUT.

I'M NOT GOING
TO CUT IT OUT.

I'M DOING WHAT
I BELIEVE IN.

FUCK WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN!

I'M TELLING YOU TO STOP.

YOU ALSO ONCE
TOLD ME YOU
WANTED ME

TO BE THE BEST
HOMOSEXUAL I
COULD POSSIBLY BE,

WHICH INCLUDES
NOT GIVING A
SHIT WHAT ANY-
ONE TELLS ME,

TO THINK
FOR MYSELF.

STOCKWELL IS
A HOMOPHOBE,
HE'S A FASCIST,

AND HE'S A THREAT
TO EVERYTHING AND
EVERYONE WE KNOW.

JUST BECAUSE
YOU DON'T
THINK SO

DOESN'T MEAN
THAT I...
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT I THINK!

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT STOCKWELL.

BUT YOU'RE NOT
JUST FUCKING
WITH HIM,

YOU'RE FUCKING WITH
ME. IT'S MY BUSINESS.

NOW GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE.

[ Closing of
photocopier ]

[ Closing of door ]

[ Ringing of cell phone ]

Emmett: [ On phone ]
Teddy, it's me.
Are you there?

YEAH, I'M HERE.

SO HOW IS IT?

VERY QUAINT.

HMM, HOW'S THE
ROOM? NICE VIEW?

YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THE SIGHTS.

UH, LOOK, I GOT TO RUN.

UH, THEY'RE... SERVING
WINE AND CHEESE IN THE
VICTORIAN SITTING ROOM.

You enjoy every
yummy mouthful.

Men:
[ Grunting ]

COME ON IN.

[ Sniffing ]

GREAT SHIT.

LIKE I SAID, NOTHING
BUT THE BEST.

YOU WANT A SNORT?

NO THANKS.

YOU SURE?

[ Sighing ]
THEY'RE HOT,
AREN'T THEY?

SO BEAUTIFUL.

[ Sniffing ]

I'M BEAUTIFUL.
EVERYTHING'S...

FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

YOU WANT TO
BE BEAUTIFUL?

[ Sniffing ]

[ Sniffing ]

THAT'S
RIGHT, BABY.

[ Voice echoing ]
YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THERE WAS JUST A BIT
OF SPOTTING, ALONG
WITH THE CRAMPS.

[ Clearing
of throat ]
YOU CALL
THOSE CRAMPS?

I'VE HAD
CRAMPS,
BUT NEVER
LIKE THAT.

IS SHE GOING
TO BE ALL RIGHT?

AND THE BABY?
OH, EVERY-
THING'S FINE.

BUT IT'S A GOOD
THING YOU GOT
HERE AS QUICKLY
AS YOU DID.

THANKS TO
MY STALKER.

ARE YOU THE FATHER?

YEAH. WELL,
THAT IS, UM,

WHAT I MEAN
IS, UH...
WHAT HE
MEANS IS...

WHAT THEY MEAN
IS, WE'RE ALL
THE PARENTS.

OH.
[ Chuckle ]

GOOD.

[ Chiming of
elevator bell ]

[ Chatter on P.A. ]

BEN?

MICHAEL,
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

MELANIE HAD A
LITTLE EMERGENCY.

LUCKILY, I
WAS IN THE
NEIGHBOURHOOD

SO I... I
DROVE HER OVER.
SHE OKAY?

HMM, PROVIDED
SHE LAYS OFF
THE KOSHER DILLS.

DID YOU STRAIGHTEN
EVERYTHING OUT?

NOT EXACTLY.

WHY NOT?
[ Sighing ]

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO
COME CLEAN,

GET YOUR
MONEY BACK.

FOR CHRIST'S
SAKE, BEN!

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GOING TO LET THIS
KID HUSTLE YOU
OUT OF $2,000.

YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
UNDERSTAND WHAT?

WHAT DON'T I
GET THIS TIME?

THAT YOU
FEEL GUILTY?

THAT YOU FEEL
SORRY FOR HIM
AND HE KNOWS IT,

THAT HE'S
GOING TO PLAY
YOU FOR EVERY-
THING HE CAN?

HE'S POSITIVE!

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S WHY I
COULDN'T JUST...
I UNDERSTAND.

DOES HE KNOW?

NO, NOT YET.

UH, THE DOCTOR WAS
GOING TO TELL HIM,

BUT I SAID THAT
IT WOULD BE...

BETTER IF HE
HEARD IT FROM ME...

CONSIDERING I'M
THE NEXT OF KIN.

Both:
[ Sighing ]

[ Opening of
refrigerator/rattling
of bottles ]

Emmett:
[ Yelping ]

OH MY GOD, TEDDY,
YOU SCARED ME!

SORRY.

I WASN'T EXPECTING
YOU BACK SO SOON.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO... CALL ME.

I FORGOT.

DIDN'T YOU EAT
BEFORE YOU LEFT?

I WANTED TO GET
AN EARLY START.

DID YOU HAVE A
FABULOUS TIME?

IT WAS FABULOUS.

YEAH? YOU FEEL
MORE RELAXED?

MM. LOTS.

OH, I'M SO
HAPPY, BABY.
MM. MM.

LET'S SEE,
GIVE ME A KISS!
HMM.

WHAT'S WITH
THE GLASSES?

OH, THE SUN
WAS IN MY EYES,
IT WAS A TOUGH
DRIVE DOWN SO...

YOU LOOK
EXHAUSTED.

DIDN'T YOU
GET ANY SLEEP?

I WAS TOO QUIET.

OH.

WELL, NEXT TIME...

WE'LL GO TOGETHER.
HMM.

YEAH, AND WE'LL
MAKE LOTS OF NOISE.

OKAY, I'LL, UH,
I'LL GET DRESSED,

YOU'LL TELL ME
ALL ABOUT IT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO SAY?

DAMNED IF I KNOW.

I HAVE NEVER HAD
TO TELL ANYONE
BEFORE THAT THEY
WERE POSITIVE...

ESPECIALLY A KID.
WELL...

IT'S NOT THE
END OF THE WORLD.

IT'S NOT A
DEATH SENTENCE.

IF ANYBODY KNOWS
THAT, IT'S YOU.

AND I ALSO KNOW
HOW I'VE STRUG-
GLED WITH IT,

HOW TERRIFYING
IT CAN BE.

AND I'M TWICE
HIS AGE.

I MEAN HOW IS HE
GOING TO SURVIVE

ON... NOTHING?

NOT EVEN A-A... A
ROOF OVER HIS HEAD,

OR KNOWING WHERE
HIS NEXT MEAL
IS COMING FROM?

NOT TO MENTION
MEDICAL ATTENTION.

ALL THE MORE
REASON WHY HE
NEEDS TO BE IN
A FOSTER HOME.

YEAH BUT NO
ONE WOULD TAKE
HIM BEFORE,

WHO'S GOING TO
TAKE HIM NOW?

AND IT STILL
DOESN'T ANSWER
THE QUESTION,

"HOW DO I
TELL HIM?"

YOU'LL FIND THE
RIGHT WORDS.

IT'S YOUR GIFT.

THERE ARE NO
RIGHT WORDS TO
TAKE AWAY THE
ONE ILLUSION...

EVERY KID IS
ENTITLED TO.

HIS INVINCIBILITY.

HIS IMMORTALITY.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

YOU JUST FIGURED
THAT OUT?

I SPOKE AT THE
PITTSBURGH PRESS
ASSOCIATION
LAST NIGHT,

PLAYED IT
EXACTLY LIKE
YOU SAID,

LAUGHED
IT OFF.

THEY ATE IT UP.
[ Laughing ]

YEAH, I BET AFTER THAT
RUBBER CHICKEN, THEY DID.

AND GUESS WHO I HEARD
FROM WHEN I GOT BACK
TO THE OFFICE?

THE NRA?

THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER.

OH?
A WOMAN...

[ Rustling of paper ]
NAMED...

TANNIS.

THEY'RE ENDORSING ME.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

"THE GAY AND
LESBIAN CENTER

OFFICIALLY
SUPPORTS CHIEF
JAMES STOCKWELL

IN HIS MAYORAL
CAMPAIGN,

AND PRAISES HIS
EFFORTS TO CLOSE
DOWN SEXUAL
ESTABLISHMENTS

THAT HAVE BEEN
A BLIGHT ON
THE IMAGE OF
OUR COMMUNITY."

GUESS THEY CAN'T CALL ME
A HOMOPHOBE NOW, CAN THEY?

I GUESS NOT.

THREE OTHER GAY
ORGANIZATIONS HAVE COME
OUT FOR ME AS WELL,

ALL PRETTY MUCH SAYING
THE SAME THING:

"IT'S ABOUT TIME
SOMEBODY CLEANED
UP LIBERTY AVENUE."

AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK.

YOU HELPED ME
GET THAT MESSAGE
OUT THERE...

THAT I WANT A SAFE, CLEAN,

MORALLY-UPSTANDING CITY
FOR ALL OF OUR CITIZENS.

YOU AND THE
FINE FOLKS

AT THE GAY AND
LESBIAN CENTER...

UNDERSTAND THAT.

[ Whispering ]
PRETTY BABY.

Gus:
[ Cooing ]

Debbie:
YOU'RE SUCH
A GOOD BOY.

HI!

AH, WHO'S HERE?

HOW WAS HE?

AH, HE'S A LITTLE
LAMB, IS WHAT HE IS.

MY GRANDSON OR GRAND-
DAUGHTER BETTER BE
AS GOOD AS THIS ONE.

HOW IS MY... GRANDSON
OR GRANDDAUGHTER?

HE OR SHE
IS JUST FINE.

[ Sigh of relief ]

AND SO'S
THE MOTHER.

THANK YOU, JESUS.

HE HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
THANK MICHAEL.

FOR WHAT?

FOR BEING
A NAGGING,
INTRUSIVE,

OVERPROTEC-
TIVE PEST.

WELL, HOW IN HELL DID
HE EVER GET LIKE THAT?

DAMNED IF I KNOW.

Gus:
MAMA.

NEXT TIME YOU
BETTER CARE
OF YOURSELF,
YOUNG LADY,

OR I'M THE
ONE WHO'S
GOING TO BE

ON YOUR FU...

FUCKING TAIL.

[ Clearing of throat ]

I SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS.

TO WORK?

TO REST.

FOR HOW LONG?

A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I MEAN, UNTIL YOU DRIVE
YOURSELF TO EXHAUSTION,

OR UNTIL SOMETHING LIKE
THIS HAPPENS AGAIN?

Gus:
[ Babbling ]

AND MAYBE NEXT TIME WE
MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY.

I'M SORRY I PUT
YOU THROUGH THIS.

I PROMISE IT WON'T
HAPPEN AGAIN.

DON'T MAKE PROMISES
YOU CAN'T KEEP.

I MEAN IT.

AND THE CASE?

LOOKING AFTER THE WORLD,

FIGHTING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT,

IT'S IMPORTANT,

BUT NOT AT THE
EXPENSE OF YOU...

AND GUS...

AND THIS BABY.

HEY.

HMM.

Gus:
[ Babbling ]

HE'S NOT THERE.

WELL, MAYBE HE'S
IN THE LOUNGE OR...
OR WALKING AROUND.

HI, NURSE?

UH, WHERE'S,
UH, HUNTER?

THE NIGHT NURSE
SAW HIM LEAVE
HIS ROOM

ABOUT 4:00 IN
THE MORNING.

IT SEEMS HE
NEVER CAME BACK.

MOO.