Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 3, Episode 1 - Mad Dog Kinney - full transcript

ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

SHAKE IT, DUDE.

[ *** ]

[ Mixed chatter/laughter ]

[ Murmurs of surprise ]

[ Clanging of bell ]

[ Cheering of crowd
at boxing match ]

Michael:
AND HE'S DOWN
FOR THE COUNT.

THE CROWD IS GOING WILD.

MIGHTY MIKE NOVOTNY HAS
TAKEN IT ON THE CHIN

FROM MAD DOG KINNEY.



SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE.
GET UP, YOU BUM.

THE WINNER AND
NEW CHAMPION IS...

HOLD IT. BEFORE WE
CROWN THE CHAMP,

LET'S GIVE ALL YOU
SPORTS FANS A BLOW-
BY-BLOW RECAP,

SO CAN SEE FOR
YOURSELVES WHAT THE
FUCK JUST HAPPENED.

TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I
WOULDN'TMIND KNOWING

WHAT THE FUCK
HAPPENED MYSELF.

IT WAS A WEEK AGO, THE
NIGHT THAT MAD DOG...

I MEAN, BRIAN; THREW
THE PARTY FOR "RAGE".

[ *** ]

WHOO!

[ Shouts of
merriment ]

LET'S GO BACK
TO MY PLACE.

* ...I STILL LOVE YOU *



* SO SHOW ME *

* THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO *

[ *** ]

Ben:
WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT
"RAGE" IS ALL THE RAGE.

YEAH.

[ *** ]

Melanie:
AW-W-W...

SEE YOU
LATER.

YEAH, MUCH,
MUCH LATER.

Melanie:
GOD. DO
YOU THINK

THEY'RE
ACTUALLY
GOING TO...
DO IT?

HEY, WHAT
DO YOU SAY

THAT WE
GO HOME

AND CONTINUE
THE CELEBRA-
TION, HUH?

IN A MINUTE.
I HAVE TO
FIND BRIAN.
OKAY.

LAST TIME
I SAW HIM,

HE WAS FEELING
NO PAIN.

YEAH, GET-
TING IT ON

WITH SHIRTLESS
WONDER 4,689.

HE AND JUSTIN
JUST BROKE UP.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

JUSTIN'S BEEN
SEEING SOME-
ONE ELSE.

OH, AREN'T THEY
ALWAYS SEEING
SOMEBODY ELSE?

THIS TIME,
IT'S DIFFERENT.

[ *** ]

I'LL BE BACK.

[ *** ]

[ Muffled club *** ]
Man:
TAXI!

[ Mixed chatter ]

AH-H.
IT JUST
BUGS ME,

'CAUSE HE
DOESN'T EVEN
SEEM TO...

BRIAN!

[ Revving of engine ]
BRIAN!

[ Mixed chatter/
whistling ]

[ Violin *** ]

HMMMM.

[ *** ]

I PROMISED I'D SERENADE
YOU AWAKE, DIDN'T I?

YOU ALSO
PROMISED ME
BREAKFAST
IN BED.

AH-HA.

[ Chuckle ]

DARK
CHOCOLATE.

IS THERE ANY
OTHER KIND?

HMM.

I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU'RE
FINALLY HERE,

THAT WE ACTUALLY
SPENT THE ENTIRE
NIGHT TOGETHER.

I'M HERE...

BUT I
CAN'T STAY.

OH-H...
I HAVE TO
GO TO CLASS,

AH.
THEN TO
WORK.

OH, I ALSO
HAVE TO PICK
UP MY STUFF.

WHAT IF HE'S THERE?

WHAT IF HE IS?

I DON'T CARE.

[ Zipping of fly ]

I'M WITH YOU NOW.

Michael:
BRIAN...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

CALL ME.

THAT'LL BE 5.25,
WITH TAX.

I'LL TAKE A RAGE
T-SHIRT TOO.

OH, THIS IS
NOT FOR SALE.

DO YOU HAVE
ANY MORE COPIES?

LOOKS LIKE
I JUST SOLD
MY LAST ONE.

WHEN IS
ISSUE TWO
COMING OUT?

IT'S NOT.

BUT WHAT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN TO
RAGE AND J.T.?

ARE THEY GOING
TO GET TOGETHER?
YEAH,

AND WILL
ZEPHYR HAVE A
COSMIC MELTDOWN
IF THEY DO?

I GUESS
WE'LL NEVER
KNOW, SO...

HANG ON TO
YOUR COMIC
BOOKS, GUYS.

IT'S ABOUT TO BECOME A
TRUE COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

[ Knocking on door ]

BRIAN?

BRIAN...

Men:
[ Laughing ]

[ Moans of
pleasure ]

AHH.

Both:
[ Panting/moaning ]

[ Splashing of shower ]

[ *** ]

[ Moans of pleasure ]

[ *** ]

[ Gasping/panting ]

[ *** ]

OKAY, TIME TO
PUT THAT AWAY

AND EAT YOUR
PINK-PLATE
SPECIALS

BEFORE THEY
GET COLD. THERE
YOU GO, BABY.

Men:
THANK YOU.
THANKS.

YOU KNOW YOU WROTE
THAT, DON'T YOU?

MY SON,

MICHAEL NOVOTNY.

HEY, NO
SNATCHING THE
LEMON BARS,

EVEN IF YOU
ARE A GENIUS.

Lindsay:
YOU DID IT,
DIDN'T YOU?

WE KNOW
YOU DID IT.

WAS IT HEAVEN?
WAS IT BLISS?

Melanie:
PERMIT ME TO
DO THE CROSS-
EXAMINING.

WHO WAS TOP?
WHO WAS BOTTOM?
HMM?

CHRIST, YOU
SOUND LIKE ME.

HOLD ON.
DID I MISS
SOMETHING?

YOU GUYS DIDN'T
ACTUALLY...

Debbie:
ORDER IN
THE COURT.

ANSWER THE QUESTION.

[ Mixed chatter
of staff ]

[ Gulping ]
WELL, LET'S
JUST SAY

IT WAS, UM...

A NIGHT LIKE
NO OTHER.

Emmett:
AND I'LL
REMEMBER IT...

ALWAYS.
[ Chuckling ]

REMEMBER WHAT?

AW, DIDN'T
WE TELL YOU?

TELL ME!

OH, WE'RE
SO THRILLED
FOR YOU!

SOON YOU'LL
BE CELEBRATING
YOUR ANNIVERSARY,
JUST LIKE US.

Debbie:
ANNIVERSARY?

YOU JUST GOT MARRIED.

WE'VE ALWAYS
CELEBRATE THE DAY

WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER.
ONE FOR YOU...

Emmett:
MY FRIENDS
ARNIE AND
EDWARD,

THEY CELEBRATE
THE DAY THEY
FIRST FUCKED.

SAME THING.

Melanie:
AND ONE
FOR YOU...

WE EXPECT YOU
ALL TO BE THERE.

WELL, DON'T
EXPECT ANY
GIFTS THIS TIME.

Lindsay
EXCEPT...

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?

GUESS THEY
WON'T BE
COMING.

AT LEAST,
NOT TOGETHER.

Debbie:
POOR SUNSHINE.

HE REALLY LOVED HIM.

AND BRIAN REALLY
LOVED HIM.

YEAH WELL, HE
SHOULD'VE SHOWED IT.

HE DID,
IN HIS WAY.

POOR BRIAN MUST BE
SEQUESTERED AWAY,

DEVASTATED,

DISGRACED,

BROKEN,

HUMILIATED...

[ Chuckling ]

Emmett:
OR MAYBE NOW
HE'S, YOU KNOW,

PLANNING TO
PACK HIS BAGS
AND MOVE ON,

NOW THAT HE'S NO
LONGER PITTSBURGH'S
NUMERO UNO HOMO.

Brian:
WELL, REPORTS
OF MY DEATH
HAVE BEEN...

GREATLY EXAGGERATED.

HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN THERE?

LONG ENOUGH...

TO KNOW WHO MY
REAL FRIENDS ARE.

BRIAN...

YOU OKAY?

I'M BRILLIANT,
DAZZLING.

[ Closing of door ]

YOU GONNA
JUST STAND
THERE,

OR YOU GONNA
GET TO WORK?

[ Sighing ]

WHAT DO
YOU WANT?

WELL, IT'S SUCH
A LOVELY DAY,

I THOUGHT I'D
GO FOR A STROLL,

YOU KNOW, TAKE
IN THE SIGHTS.

[ Groan of
effort ]

ME, THROWING
OUT GARBAGE?

YEAH WELL,
YOU'RE SO GOOD AT
DUMPING THINGS.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO WALK OUT ON
HIM LIKE THAT

IN FRONT
OF EVERYONE,
YOU KNOW.

I WOULD'VE
TOLD HIM TO GO
FUCK HIMSELF,

BUT HE WAS
ALREADY
DOING THAT

IN THE BACK
ROOM WITH RAGE.

HOW CAN YOU BE
SUCH A SHIT,

AFTER ALL HE'S
DONE FOR YOU?

I KNOW WHAT
HE'S DONE
FOR ME.

AND YOU KNEW
WHO HE WAS,

RIGHT FROM
THE BEGINNING.
YEAH.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME.

AND DID YOU
THINK THAT YOU
COULD CHANGE HIM?

THAT HE WOULD
CHANGE FOR YOU?

I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT.

OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S OVER.

ON TO THE NEXT.
YOU GOT WHAT
YOU WANTED.

SO DID YOU.

FROM THE
FIRST NIGHT
THAT WE MET,

AND HE TOOK
ME HOME AND
FUCKED ME,

YOU HAVE
WANTED ME
GONE.

WELL, MIKEY,
YOU FINALLY
GOT YOUR WISH.

THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING IN YOUR
WAY ANY MORE.

HE'S ALL
YOURS.
YOU KNOW,

SINCE YOU'RE
NO LONGER
WITH BRIAN,

THERE'S REALLY
NO REASON FOR
YOU TO BE HERE,
IS THERE?

SO WHY DON'T
YOU JUST DO US
ALL A FAVOUR,

INCLUDING
YOURSELF,
AND DISAPPEAR?

Lindsay:
NOW HUDDLE IN
JUST A LITTLE
CLOSER TOGETHER.

Melanie:
OKAY NOW. SAY
"CUNNILINGUS".

[ Gagging ]

All:
[ Laughing ]

OH, AREN'T
THEY ADORABLE.
PRECIOUS.

OKAY, WE'LL
SEE YOU TWO
LOVEBIRDS LATER.
BYE.

BYE-BYE.

LATER.
SEE YA.

BYE.

THEY THINK
WE DID IT.

EVERYBODY
THINKS WE
DID IT.

WELL, CAN WE
HELP IT IF THEY
MAKE CERTAIN
ASSUMPTIONS?

DIDN'T THEY
MAKE CERTAIN
ASSUMPTIONS

BECAUSE WE LET
THEM MAKE CERTAIN
ASSUMPTIONS?

IT'S NOT AS
IF WE LIED
TO THEM...

OR DIDN'T
WANT TO DO IT.

WE SO WANTED
TO DO IT.
BUT IT
WAS LATE.

I, FOR ONE,
HAD FAR TOO
MANY RAGE-TINIS.

I COULD
BARELY KEEP
MY EYES OPEN.

NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, WE
WERE ASLEEP.

WELL, AT
LEAST, WE WERE
IN THE SAME BED
TOGETHER.

YEAH,
WHICH MEANS,
TECHNICALLY,

WE DID SLEEP
TOGETHER.
TECHNICALLY.

ANYWAY, WHEN WE
FINALLY DO...

IT.
IT...

[ Chuckle ]

WE WANT IT TO
BE JUST RIGHT.

RIGHT?

RIGHT.

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
INCREDIBLY RIGHT.

BEAUTIFULLY
RIGHT.

Ben:
NO, I KNOW,
I KNOW. OF
COURSE. UH,

I COMPLETELY
UNDERSTAND. IT'S
JUST THAT, UH,

SINCE I DECIDED
NOT TO GO TO
TIBET AFTER ALL,

I THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE YOU WOULD...

OH. OKAY THEN.

UM, I HOPE ALL GOES WELL.

YEAH, RIGHT. YOU TOO. HUH.

BYE.

BITCH.

NO LUCK?

OH, SHE SAID SHE
SIGNED THE LEASE
IN GOOD FAITH,

AND SHE INTENDS
TO STAY.

WHY DID I
HAVE TO SUBLET
MY PLACE TO A
LAW PROFESSOR?

HUH.
WELL,

GUESS I'D BETTER
START SEARCHING.

CHECK OUT
CAMPUS HOUSING.

WHY DO THAT?

I'VE GOT TO FIND
SOME PLACE TO LIVE.

LIVE HERE.

WELL, LIVE HERE FOR
A COUPLE OF DAYS,

OR LIVE HERE...
FOR GOOD?

FOR GOOD.

WHY NOT?
OH...

IT'S JUST
THAT, UH...

ARE WE READY
FOR THIS?

I MEAN, WE'VE... WE'VE
NEVER DISCUSSED IT.

WHAT'S TO DISCUSS?

IT'S A
COMMITMENT.

AREN'T WE
COMMITTED?

OF COURSE
WE ARE.
SO WHAT'S
THE PROBLEM?

YOU AFRAID WE'RE
NOT GOING TO
BE COMPATIBLE?

HUH, WELL,
YOU NEVER KNOW.

ALL RIGHT,
PROFESSOR BRUCKNER,

DO YOU THROW
WILD PARTIES?

DO YOU PLAY
LOUD MUSIC
ALL NIGHT?

DO YOU SPEND HOURS
IN THE BATHROOM?

LET'S SEE. WHAT ELSE
AM I FORGETTING?

JUST THIS.

HMM.

I SAY WE'RE
GOING TO GET
ALONG JUST FINE.

MM-HMM.

HI, BOYS.

HOPE I'M
INTERRUPTING
SOMETHING.

EM, WHAT WOULD
YOU SAY TO...

BEN MOVING
IN HERE?

UM, WELL, IT'S...

KIND OF A LOT OF PEOPLE
IN A SMALL SPACE.

BUT HEY, I LIKE A LOT OF
PEOPLE IN A SMALL SPACE.

[ Chuckling ]

WHAT ABOUT
YOU AND... TED?

YEAH, WHAT
ABOUT YOU
AND TED?

I-I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO
BITE THE BULLET

AND TELL
HIM NO.
WELL, LET'S...

JUST SAY I DECIDED TO
BITE SOMETHING ELSE.

Ben:
IT'S GREAT

YOU GUYS
DECIDED TO
GET TOGETHER.

TO THINK HE'S BEEN
RIGHT IN FRONT OF
MY NOSE ALL ALONG.

STILL, I
CAN'T IMAGINE
HAVING SEX

WITH YOUR
BEST FRIEND.

REALLY?

SO... SO WHAT? I'M SORRY,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
IMAGINE IT,

WHAT? TEDDY AND I DON'T
DESERVE TO BE AS HAPPY

AS YOU
AND BEN?

I DIDN'T
MEAN THAT.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE

EVERYTHING
IN THE WORLD,

INCLUDING THE
HOTTEST SEX.

I JUST DON'T
WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT IT.

Lindsay:
HOW COULD YOU
JUST LET HIM WALK
OUT LIKE THAT?

Brian:
WHAT WOULD YOU
HAVE HAD ME DO?

THROW MYSELF
DOWN ON MY
KNEES AND BEG
HIM NOT TO GO?

WELL, I'M
NOT SURPRISED
HE LEFT.

IN FACT, I
SAW IT COMING.

DID YOU
HEAR THAT,
SONNY BOY?

WHAT A PERCEP-
TIVE PUSS
YOUR MOMMA IS.

WELL, IT WASN'T
JUST ME. IT
WAS EVERYONE.

THE WAY YOU
TREATED HIM,
REFUSING
TO MAKE

EVEN THE
SLIGHTEST
ROMANTIC
GESTURE.

IT'S NO WONDER
HE FOUND
SOMEONE ELSE.

HOWEVER...

MMM.

IT'S NOT
TOO LATE.

FOR WHAT?
TO GET
HIM BACK.

OH, DON'T GIVE
ME THAT...

FUCKING SUPERIOR SNEER.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM.

IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO
ASK, A SMALL SACRIFICE.

AND THEN WE COULD
BE A HAPPY COUPLE,

LIKE YOU AND MELANIE,

OR... OR
MIKEY AND
THE PROFESSOR.

GOD HELP US,
TED AND EMMETT.

AND WHAT IS
SO TERRIBLE
WITH THAT?

NOTHING. IT'S
JUST THAT...

I'M NOT
A DYKE.

OR ONE OF THE
GROWING LEGIONS
OF DICKLESS FAGS

WHO THINK
THAT BY IMIT-
ATING THEM,

THEY'RE GOING
TO FIND TRUE
HAPPINESS.

SO YOU'D
RATHER BE ALONE,

THAN BE WITH THE
ONE PERSON WHO
LOVED YOU ENOUGH

TO ALMOST PUT
UP WITH ALL
YOUR BULLSHIT...

I NEVER
LOVED HIM.

AND EVEN IF
I DID, I'D
NEVER ASK HIM

TO PUT MY NEEDS
ABOVE HIS OR...

BE SOMETHING HE'S
NOT TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

I'D TELL HIM IF
HE'S NOT GETTING
WHAT HE WANTS,

THEN GO FIND IT
SOMEPLACE ELSE.

WELL, HE
CERTAINLY
LEARNED HIS
LESSON.

CONGRATULATIONS.

Debbie:
KIKI, THE
NEW WAITRESS,

FORMERLY KENNY
THE WAITER,
[ Slapping of counter ]

TOLD ME
THAT JUSTIN
QUIT TODAY,

JUST LIKE THAT.

WHERE IN THE
FUCK IS THE
CHEESE GRATER?

OH.

OH, AND GET THIS.

ON HIS WAY OUT
THE DOOR, HE SAYS,

"BE SURE AND TELL DEBBIE
I SAID GOODBYE."

LIKE HE WAS GOING AROUND
THE GODDAMN CORNER.

[ Groan of disgust ]
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?

THERE'S NO
MEAT IN THIS.

THE GIRLS WANTED
VEGETARIAN.

LESBIAN LASAGNA.

FOR CHRIST'S
SAKE, MICHAEL,

IT'S NOT
LIKE YOU HAVE
TO EAT PUSSY.

MOTHER!
AND AFTER
ALL I DID

FOR THAT KID.

AFTER WHAT WE ALL DID.

I TOLD HIM, LOUD
AND CLEAR...

TOLD HIM WHAT?

THAT HE'S A SELFISH,
UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PRICK,

AND HE SHOULD GET THE
FUCK OUT OF OUR LIVES.

YOU TOLD HIM THAT?

I SURE DID.

GIVE ME THAT.

WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

WHATEVER HAPPENED
BETWEEN THOSE TWO BOYS

IS NONE OF YOUR
GODDAMN BUSINESS.

BRIAN HAPPENS TO
BE MY BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT
YOUR BEST FRIEND.

AND IF YOU
ASK ME,

JUSTIN DID THE
RIGHT THING.
HOPEFULLY,
THIS...

ETHAN KID WILL
APPRECIATE HIM.

BRIAN APPRECIATED
HIM. HE DID EVERY-
THING FOR HIM.

EVERYTHING BUT LOVE HIM.

BUT THEN HE CAN'T
LOVE ANYBODY.

NOT EVEN YOU.

[ Clatter of pots ]

Lindsay:
[ Reading ]
"TIME PASSED,

AND IT LOOKED
AS IF BEAUTY
WOULD NEVER RETURN.

AND SO THE BEAST
SHUT HIMSELF AWAY
FROM THE WORLD,

IN LONELINESS
AND DESPAIR."

HEY. HEY-HEY,

IT'S ONLY A
FAIRY TALE.

[ Sigh ]
I KNOW. HMM.

LOOK WHAT
I FOUND.

A PHOTO,
RIGHT AFTER WE
GOT TOGETHER.

EIGHT
YEARS. HMMM.

GOES BY
IN A BLINK.
A FLASH.

A SMILE.

YOU HAVEN'T
CHANGED A BIT.

NEITHER
HAVE YOU.

Both:
[ Giggling ]

LIAR.
LIAR!

[ Ringing of doorbell ]

[ Stereo *** ]

Melanie:
CUTIE!
LINZ,

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

OH HI, SWEETIE.
COME ON IN.

I HOPE IT'S
NOT TOO LATE.

NO. WE WERE JUST SET-
TING UP FOR THE PARTY.

YOU'LL BE HERE,
WON'T YOU?

ACTUALLY I HAVE
OTHER PLANS.

I-I CAME BY
NOW TO GIVE
YOU GUYS THIS.

OH, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO BRING US...
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

UH, WAIT.

YOU JUST
GOT HERE.

ETHAN'S WAITING FOR ME.

WELL, YOU CAN BRING
HIM TOO, IF YOU WANT.

Melanie:
AND IF YOU'RE
WORRIED

ABOUT RUNNING
INTO BRIAN,

FORGET IT.

THIS IS THE LAST
PLACE HE'D BE.

IT WASN'T JUST THAT. I...

FIGURED IT WOULD BE
EASIER FOR YOU GUYS

IF I WASN'T AROUND.

WHY THE HELL
WOULD YOU
THINK THAT?

YOU WERE HIS
FRIENDS FIRST.

BUT YOU'RE OUR FRIEND TOO.

WE LOVE YOU THE
SAME AS HIM...

IF NOT MORE.

SO WHY DON'T
YOU HOLD
ON TO THAT,

AND GIVE IT TO
US AT THE PARTY?

Gus:
[ Babbling ]

[ *** ]

Man:
HI.

HI.

I WAS HOPING
YOU'D MAKE YOUR
WAY OVER HERE.

[ Mixed chatter ]

HUH! WOULD YOU
LOOK AT THAT.

MY GOD, I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D LIVE
TO SEE THE DAY.

BRIAN KINNEY,
REJECTED.

HIS STOCK
HAS PLUMMETED.

THE NASDAQ
OF FAGS.

I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU'VE GOT TO
BE SO CAREFUL

WHAT YOU PUT IT
INTO THESE DAYS.

Both:
[ Snickering ]

DID YOU HEAR
WHAT THEY
WERE SAYING?

MEAN,
VICIOUS CUNTS.

SELF-LOATHING
STEREOTYPES.

FUNNY, I THOUGHT
THEY SOUNDED AN
AWFUL LOT LIKE US.

WE'RE ALLOWED
TO TALK THAT WAY.

WE'RE HIS
FRIENDS.

WHAT DO YOU
SAY WE GO OVER

AND LET HIM
INSULT US FOR
A LITTLE WHILE.

OH, GOOD IDEA.
MIGHT MAKE HIM
FEEL BETTER.

Debbie:
I THOUGHT YOU
TWO'D BE HOME

STAINING
THE SHEETS.
[ Chuckling ]

WHY, IT
MUST BE...

MMM...
DEBBIE.

[ Chuckling ]
OH, AND VIC.

THE NEW TWO-
SOME IN TOWN.

Vic:
I THINK
IT'S GREAT.

AND DON'T LET
ANYONE TELL YOU

THE ODDS ARE STACKED
AGAINST YOU.

WHAT ODDS?

FOR CHRIST'S
SAKE, VIC,

YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BRING
UP CARLOS,
ARE YOU?

SCARE THE
FUCKING SHIT
OUT OF THEM.

I WASN'T
PLANNING TO.

WHO, UM...
WHO'S CARLOS?

Vic:
FORGET IT.

MY SISTER'S
GOT A BIG MOUTH.

NEVER NOTICED.

HE AND VIC WERE
BEST FRIENDS.
LIKE YOU TWO.

I MEAN, FOR
YEARS THEY WERE
INSEPARABLE.

AND THEN ONE
DAY, CARLOS
SAYS TO VIC,

"I'M IN LOVE
WITH SOMEBODY."

VIC SAYS,
"WHO?" CARLOS
SAYS, "YOU."

I TRIED TO WARN
THEM NOT TO MESS
WITH A GOOD THING,

BUT THEY WENT
AHEAD WITH
IT ANYWAY.

AND THREE
MONTHS LATER,

CARLOS VANISHES
WITHOUT A TRACE,

AND THIS
ONE'S AROUND
THE BEND.

YOU'RE LEAVING
OUT A FEW
DETAILS.

Debbie:
THE POINT
IS...

Vic:
THE POINT IS,

IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH THEM.

HAVE A NICE
NIGHT, GUYS.

HAVE A NICE
NIGHT, GUYS.

[ *** ]

I NEVER
REALIZED
YOU HAD...

SO MANY
CLOTHES.

WELL, I NEVER
REALIZED YOUR
CLOSET WAS
SO SMALL.

WELL, HOW ARE
WE SUPPOSED TO
CRAM IT ALL IN?

YOU KNOW,
WE NEVER HAD
PROBLEMS BEFORE.

[ Chuckle/
playful growl ]

Michael:
MM-MM-MMM.

WE'RE SUP-
POSED TO...

BE MOVING
YOU IN.

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

ALL RIGHT.
AH-H.

HOW ABOUT
RIGHT THERE?

ALL RIGHT NOW,
THESE ARE HARD.

YOU HAVE...
OKAY.

[ Indistinct comments ]

Brian:
I LEAVE THE TWO
OF YOU ALONE

FOR FIVE
MINUTES...

CHRIST,
BRIAN.

HOW'D YOU
GET IN HERE?

MY WIDDLE KEY.

THAT'S FOR
EMERGENCIES.
EXACTLY.

IF I DON'T FIND
SOMEONE TO GO TO
BABYLON WITH ME,

I'LL DIE.

Michael:
WHAT IS
THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

GO ON,
GET OUT.

BEN'S JUST
MOVING IN.

SUFFERING SAPPHO.

YOU TOO.

LOOK, I'LL CALL
YOU LATER.

MICHAEL.

WHY DON'T YOU
GO WITH HIM?

NOW?

COME ON,
LOOK...
LOOK AT HIM.

Ben:
THE POOR GUY
NEEDS A FRIEND.

I WOULD TOO, IF
I EVER LOST YOU.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
US? THIS IS YOUR
FIRST NIGHT HERE.

AND THERE'LL
BE OTHERS.

I LIVE
HERE NOW,

REMEMBER?
[ Chuckling ]

MMM.

* YOU'VE GOT
THE MAGIC TOUCH *

* OOH-OOH *
[ Whirring ]

* IT MAKES ME GLOW
SO MUCH *

* OOH-OOH-OOH... *

Emmett:
CAN I COME
IN NOW?

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

* ...IT RINGS A BELL *

* THE MAGIC TOUCH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH *
OKAY.

* THE MAGIC TOUCH *

JESUS.
[ Chuckling ]

LOOKS LIKE FAO SCHWARTZ
DECIDED TO OPEN AN
ADULT TOYS DEPARTMENT.

SHUT UP AND GET IN BED.

OKAY.

WELL, CLOSE YOUR EYES.

WHAT FOR?

I'M MODEST.
MODEST?

I'VE SEEN YOU WHACK OFF
ON THE WEBSITE 100 TIMES.

WELL, THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

THAT WAS WORK.

THIS IS YOU AND ME.
IT'S OUR FIRST TIME.

I WANT IT TO BE INNOCENT,

YOU KNOW,
FILLED WITH...

ANTICIPATION,
AND...

AND DISCOVERY...

JOY.

[ Scoff ]

NOW, GO ON.

[ Sighing/chuckling ]

[ Giggle ]

OKAY, YOU
CAN OPEN THEM.

[ Sigh ]

WELL...
HERE WE ARE.

YOU'D THINK
MY HEART WAS
RUNNING IN
THE PREAKNESS.

MY HANDS
ARE COLD AS
ICE. FEEL.

[ Screaming ]

SORRY.
[ Panting ]

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE JUST
NEED TO...

CALM DOWN.
TAKE IT EASY.

GO SLOW.

AND DON'T EXPECT
TOO MUCH.

SO IN CASE
THERE'S NO...

YOU KNOW...

FIREWORKS OR
FANFARE OR...

THE PITTSBURGH POPS
PLAYING THE
"1812 OVERTURE",

WE WON'T END
UP LIKE VIC
AND CARLOS.

WHAT DO
YOU SUPPOSE
HAPPENED?

[ Sigh ]
IT'S BEST
NOT TO KNOW.

[ Chuckling ]
IT MIGHT INCA-
PACITATE US

WITH SELF-
DOUBT AND FEAR.

TEDDY?

YEAH?

YOU KNOW
I LOVE YOU.
RIGHT?

YOU TOO.

OUT OF ALL
THE PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD,

THERE'S NO ONE
I FEEL CLOSER
TO THAN YOU.

SO WHAT IF
THIS DOESN'T
WORK OUT?

CAN WE STILL GO
BACK TO BEING
JUST FRIENDS?

[ Deep sigh ]

[ Sigh of defeat ]

[ *** ]

* BRIGHTER THAN
A LIGHTNING STRIKE *

* SHOCKS ME WITH
ELECTRIC HEAT *

* STING ME AS A
LOVER'S TOUCH *

* HOTTER THAN
THE MUSIC'S BEAT *

* I LIGHT UP
WHEN YOU WALK BY... *

BRIAN.

BRIAN!

BRIAN, I'VE
GOT TO GO.

BEN'S WAITING.

I'M SURE THE
PROFESSOR'S
ALL TUCKED IN

AND IN DREAM-
LAND BY NOW.

VITAMINS?

NO, THANKS.

[ Sniffing ]
MMMM.

IT'S JUST LIKE
OLD TIMES,
ISN'T IT?

YEAH, YOU
GET LOADED,
AND I GET TO
TAKE YOU HOME.

I MEAN...

JUST YOU
AND ME.

[ *** ]

[ Sniffing ]

[ *** ]

OO-OOH!

COME ON.

[ *** ]

Michael: [ Narrating ]
WHETHER IT WAS THE MUSIC,

OR BRIAN'S SECRET BLEND
OF 11HERBS AND SPICES,

OR BECAUSE IT WAS,
LIKE HESAID,

THE WAY IT USED TO BE,

EVERYTHING
SEEMED TO VANISH,

UNTIL IT WAS JUST THE
TWO OF USUP THERE...

ALONE.

[ *** ]

Woman:
...CAN YOU JUST
GATHER IN THE GROUP?

THAT'S IT. OKAY
NOW, SAY, "PUSSY!"

Various:
PUSSY!

[ Mixed chatter/
laughter ]

[ *** ]

THIS NEARLY
WAS OURS. HMM.

A FLOUR-LESS
ANNIVERSARY CAKE.

SANDALWOOD
CANDLES.

"HAPPY 8th.
LOVE, DORY
AND ROBYN."
HMMM.

All:
PUSSY!

[ Laughter ]

AND OUR
LATEST PHOTO

FOR OUR KEEP-
SAKE ALBUM,

SHOWING US
A LITTLE BIT
OLDER THAN THE
YEAR BEFORE.

AND THE YEAR
BEFORE THAT.

HMM. LYING TO
EACH OTHER...

"YOU LOOK
GREAT!"
"NO, YOU
LOOK GREAT."

"NO, YOU
LOOK GREAT."
"YOU..."

HEY!
LOVEBIRDS.

YOU LOOK
GREAT!

[ Laughter ]
LOVEBIRDS.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

NEXT YEAR IT'LL
BE YOU TWO.

YEAH, JUST
LIKE US.

BYE!
HAVE FUN.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

[ *** ]

Michael:
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
SO MANY COUPLES?

AH, IT'S THE
NEW WORLD ORDER.

WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THE HETEROS
IS GOOD FOR
THE HOMOS.

YOU SOUND
SUSPICIOUSLY
LIKE YOUR
DANCING PARTNER.

WHAT TIME DID
YOU GET IN
LAST NIGHT?

NOT TOO LATE.
Y... YOU WERE
ALREADY ASLEEP.

HM. DID YOU
HAVE FUN?

SAME OLD,
SAME OLD.
YEAH,

SAME OLD HOT
MUSIC, SAME OLD
HALF-NAKED MEN.

Michael:
WHAT'S HE
DOING HERE?

THE GIRLS
INVITED HIM.

YEAH, AND HE HAS
THE FUCKING NERVE

TO BRING HIS
NEW BOYFRIEND.

Melanie:
HI. WE'RE SO
GLAD TO HAVE YOU,

IN OUR...
IN OUR YARD.

[ Laughter ]

Bart:
I SAY WE GO FOR
THE KING EDWARD.

Ned:
I SAY THE
QUEEN MARY.

WHY DON'T YOU
EACH GET A
PRINCE ALBERT

AND BE DONE
WITH IT?

WE'RE NOT DISCUSS-
ING PIERCINGS.

THEY'RE SILVER
PATTERNS. AND
HE'S BEING

HIS USUAL
GODDAMNED
STUBBORN SELF.

I'M STUBBORN?
I'M STUBBORN.

WE FINALLY
DECIDE ON BLUE
CORNFLOWER
FOR PLATES.

WE REGISTERED
AND EVERYTHING.

AND THEN
HE CHANGES
HIS MIND.

I'M ALLOWED TO
CHANGE MY MIND.

Ned:
WELL THEN, MAYBE
THEN I SHOULD
CHANGE MINE

ABOUT EVEN
HAVING THE
CEREMONY.

Bart:
HOW DARE YOU
SAY THAT TO ME

AFTER BEING
TOGETHER FOR
NINE MONTHS?

CHRIST, AREN'T THERE
ANY GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
QUEERS LEFT?

YOU KNOW, NOT
THAT I GIVE
A FUCK, BUT...

I KNOW A COUPLE
OF BULLS WHO COULD
ADVISE YOU BEARS.

[ *** ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

Debbie:
THERE YOU
GO, HONEY.

WANNA TAKE
THESE OUTSIDE
FOR ME?

THERE ARE PEOPLE
WAITING FOR IT.
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.

HEY!

Debbie:
HOLD IT.

GET YOUR PERKY
LITTLE BUTT BACK HERE.

SINCE WHEN DO
YOU WALK BY ME

AND NOT
SAY HELLO?

DEB, PLEASE. THIS
IS HARD ENOUGH.

YEAH WELL, YOU'D
MAKE IT EASIER
ON YOURSELF

IF YOU SHOWED
SOME MANNERS.

WHO THE
FUCK'S HE?

THIS IS ETHAN.
HMM.

THE NEW BOYFRIEND.
I'M DEBBIE.
HI.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING
AN EYE ON SUNSHINE

EVER SINCE
HE LEFT HOME.

SUNSHINE?

YOU GOT A PROB-
LEM WITH THAT?

NO. NO
PROBLEM.

WHATEVER MY SON
SAID TO YOU,

HE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR
ME, OR ANYONE ELSE.

WE ALL STILL
LOVE YOU,

AND YOU'RE
STILL A MEMBER
OF THIS FAMILY.

DO I MAKE
MYSELF CLEAR?

YEAH.

I EXPECT
YOU BACK AT
THE DINER

FIRST THING
TOMORROW.

DON'T BE LATE.

AS FOR YOU...

MM-HM?

YOU'RE FUCKING
ADORABLE IS
WHAT YOU ARE.

[ Chuckling ]

Woman:
AH, EXCUSE ME?

EXCUSE ME?
UM, CAN I...

OH, SORRY.

[ Mixed chatter ]

WHAT THE
HELL ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I BELIEVE I
WAS INVITED.

YOU SAID YOU
WEREN'T COMING.
I WASN'T.

HOWEVER, UH, MY TWO
NEW BEST FRIENDS...

NED.
BART.

THEY CAN'T MAKE
UP THEIR MINDS:

THE QUEEN MARY
OR KING EDWARD?

AND I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU COULD
SETTLE IT FOR THEM.

GOTTA PISS.

CHRIST.
BRIAN...

WATCH WHERE
YOU'RE AIMING.

CAN'T YOU
WAIT TILL
I'M FINISHED?

[ Unzipping of fly ]

WHAT'S THE
BIG DEAL?
I'VE SEEN IT.

[ Sigh ]

[ Zipping of fly ]

DON'T FORGET TO
WASH YOUR HANDS.

BY THE WAY...

I HOPE YOU GET
WHAT YOU WANT.

THE KING EDWARD
IS STUNNING.

AND THE QUEEN MARY'S
A CLASSIC.

BUT WE WENT WITH THE
EMPRESS ALEXANDRA.

IT'S ELEGANT ENOUGH
FOR DINNER...

BUT STURDY ENOUGH
FOR EVERY DAY.
YEAH.

IT'S LOVELY.

DON'T YOU
THINK SO,
HONEY?

Bart:
LOVELY.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU
TWO BEEN TOGETHER?

UH, EIGHT
YEARS AND
STILL COUNTING.

Lindsay & Melanie:
KAYNA HORA!
[ Chuckling ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

[ *** ]

DO YOU BELIEVE
THE NERVE OF
THAT LITTLE TWAT,

SHOWING UP
HERE WITH HIS
NEW BOYFRIEND?

I TOLD HIM TO
STAY THE FUCK
OUT OF OUR LIVES.

WHY'D YOU
DO THAT?
AFTER WHAT
HE DID?

HE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.

WE WERE
NEVER HAPPILY
MARRIED.

HE WAS ALWAYS
FREE TO GO.
SO WAS I.

YOU'RE JUST SAY-
ING THAT. HE'S
A SELFISH SHIT.

BE QUIET,
MICHAEL.
HE USED YOU,

AND HE TOOK
FROM YOU

AND HE NEVER
GAVE BACK
A THING.

I SAID
BE QUIET.

AND THIS IS THE
THANKS YOU GET

FOR SAVING
HIS LIFE.

IF YOU ASK ME, IT
WASN'T WORTH IT.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE JUST LEFT
HIM LYING THERE...

[ Clanging of bell ]

[ Shouting of crowd
at boxing match ]

Michael:
AND THERE YOU
HAVE IT, FOLKS,

THE INSTANT RECAP
LEADING TO THE
SURPRISE PUNCH

THAT LANDED
MIGHTY MIKE NOVOTNY
ON HIS KEISTER.

MICHAEL!

[ Mixed reactions ]

SHIT!

Debbie:
SHIT!

Various:
IS THERE... IS THERE
A NURSE OR A DOCTOR?

BRIAN! WHAT'S
HIS PROBLEM?

Debbie:
YOU FUCKING
ANIMAL,

HITTING
MY KID.

Lindsay:
JESUS. ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

YOU SON
OF A BITCH!

NO, DON'T!

[ Breaking of glass ]

Woman:
DO MEN ALWAYS DO THAT?

I'M ALL RIGHT.
LEMME SEE,
SWEETHEART.
LEMME SEE.

BRIAN, I THINK
YOU BETTER LEAVE.

NOW!

Debbie:
ASSHOLE.

DON'T EVEN
LOOK AT HIM...

Various:
GO, ASSHOLE. GET OUT.

[ Mixed murmurs ]

[ Grunting
in pain ]

Woman:
I FIGURE IT'S
TIME TO LEAVE.

[ Murmurs of agreement ]

[ Opening of door ]

Emmett:
NO COLOUR
WHEEL?

NO.
NO...

DILDOS?

NO.

NO ROBE?

JUST ME, IN THE FLESH.

NOW, ARE WE
ABSOLUTELY,
100% POSITIVE

WE WANT TO
GO THROUGH
WITH THIS?

ABSOLUTELY
100%?

NO.

BUT DON'T
YOU THINK IT'S
WORTH THE RISK?

I GUESS WE'LL
KNOW IN ABOUT
10 MINUTES.

10 MINUTES? HUH.

LET'S, UH...
LET'S GIVE
IT AT LEAST
HALF AN HOUR.

HUH. RIGHT.

WELL...

HERE GOES.

UH, WAIT.

I... I JUST
WANT TO SAY,

NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS,

I PROMISE
NOT TO VANISH
WITHOUT A TRACE.

AND I PROMISE
NOT TO GO
AROUND THE BEND.

UH, WAIT.

[ Whispering ]
GOOD LUCK,
TEDDY.

BREAK A
LEG, EM.

HMM.

[ Knocking on door ]

I'M WORKING.
WHAT DO
YOU WANT?

TO GIVE YOU THIS.

A MAKE-UP GIFT?

GO ON. TAKE IT.

OH MY GOD...

IT'S DRIPPING BLOOD!

WHAT'S IN HERE?

IT'S YOUR
MOTHER'S HEART.

[ Chuckling ]

IT'S A KANSAS CITY STEAK.

IT'S $23
A POUND.

STICK IT ON
YOUR EYE,
THEN EAT IT.

THANKS A
FUCKING LOT.

DOES IT HURT?

CUT IT OUT.

YOU NEVER
HIT ME BEFORE.

BUT I GUESS
AFTER WHAT
I SAID,

I DESERVED IT.

YOU MUST REALLY
LOVE HIM.
[ Scoffing ]

I-I TOLD HIM FROM
DAY ONE, I DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE IN...
FUCKING. YEAH.

I... I KNOW.

EXCEPT FOR YOU,
OF COURSE.

I'M HONOURED.

I WANT YOU TO
MAKE UP WITH HIM.

NO FUCKING WAY.

BUT YOU HAVE WORK TO DO.

"RAGE,"

VOLUME ONE,
ISSUE NUMBER TWO.

FORGET IT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
MIKEY'S BIG DREAM?

HE'LL JUST HAVE TO GET
HIMSELF A NEW ONE.

HEY, YOU WANT TO, UM...

DO YOU WANT TO
GO TO THE DINER,

GET SOMETHING
TO EAT?

I GOT PLANS.

[ Opening of door ]
[ Jingling of bells ]

[ *** ]

[ Knocking on door ]

[ *** ]

HI.

MY NAME'S...
DOESN'T MATTER.

SO AM I
WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR?

CLOSE ENOUGH.

[ *** ]

THAT'LL BE
300 THEN.

UP FRONT.

[ Rustling of money ]

THE BEDROOM'S
THAT WAY.

[ *** ]

ROLL OVER.

[ *** ]

[ *** ]

MOO!

[ *** ]