Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

Michael: [ Thinking ]
I'VE WALKED DOWN
LIBERTY AVENUE,

OH, I DON'T KNOW
HOW MANY TIMES,

CHECKING OUT THE GUYS,
ENJOYING THE VIEW,

NO PROBLEMA.

THAT WAS, UNTIL
I MET HIM.

[ ?????? ]

AM I GOING CRAZY?

[ ?????? ]

?? SOMEDAY HE'LL
COME ALONG ??

?? THE MAN I LOVE ??

Waiter:
CHEERS.
CHEERS.



?? AND HE'LL BE
BIG AND STRONG... ??

Michael:
I'M JUST FEELING A LITTLE
VULNERABLE, THAT'S ALL,

SINCE BEN AND I BROKE UP.

BUT I'LL BE OVER
THAT SOON ENOUGH,

COURTESY OF
"PITTSBURGH MAN-2-MAN".

Date 1: [ Recording ]
HI, THIS IS BARRY.
I'M IN MY LATE 20s.

I LOVE TO EAT IN OR OUT.

I'D SAY I'M A
WELL-ROUNDED GUY.

CAN YOU PASS THE BUTTER?

Date 2: [ Recording ]
HEY, GUYS, I'M MARCUS,

A MOTIVATED BUSINESS
PROFESSIONAL WITH
CLEARLY DEFINED GOALS.

WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO MAKE A LONG-TERM
COMMITMENT, CALL ME.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT...

TERM LIFE INSURANCE?



Date 3: [ Recording ]
HEY, I'M ED.

GREAT BODY, GREAT
PERSONALITY,

LOOKING TO PAMPER
THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

[ Gulp ]

Michael:
HE WANTED TO
DIAPER ME.

Ted:
AW, POOR BABY.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
FROM A 30-SECOND
VOICE PERSONAL?

HONESTY. I DIDN'T
LIE IN MY AD.

MUCH.
[ Chuckling ]

YOU CALLED
AND LISTENED

TO MY AD?
[ Chuckling ]

IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

"HEY, IT'S MIKE.

CUTE,
SWIMMER BUILD.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?
BOY-NEXT-
DOOR TYPE."

[ Chuckling ]

SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU ALSO ADDED A
COUPLE EXTRA INCHES.

TO HIS
HEIGHT. I-I...

BUT I WAS
VERY PLEASED
TO HEAR

THAT YOU'RE
VERSATILE,

AND NOT A TOTAL BOTTOM.

AH, SOUNDS
EVEN BETTER.

CAN I INTERJECT
JUST ONE WORD OF
MOTHERLY ADVICE?

INTERJECT AWAY.

YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA GET
A BOYFRIEND

FROM VOICE MAIL.

BUT IF YOU REALLY,
REALLY WANT TO
MEET SOMEBODY,

GO SEE
MY FRIEND.
"IDA PEARLSTEIN,

MATCHMAKER".

I COULD MAKE A LOT OF
TRITE MUSICAL THEATRE
REFERENCES RIGHT NOW.

BUT I WON'T.

YOUR FRIENDS
ARE FREAKS, MA.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SET
UP BY SOME OLDYENTA.

MICHAEL...

SEE THOSE
LOVEBIRDS
OVER THERE?

IDA FIXED
THEM UP.

THEY'RE CELEBRAT-
ING THEIR THIRD.

DON'T THEY
LOOK HAPPY?

OR HEAVILY
MEDICATED.

NOW I SAY TRY
ADAM AND STEVE
INTERNET DATING.

EH? SEE WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING
BEFORE YOU GET
IT, YOU KNOW.

WEED OUT THE
UNFUCKABLES.

DATING SERVICES?

MATCHMAKERS?

IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

THE NEXT GUY THAT
WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR

IS THE MAN I'M GOING
TO LIVE WITH FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.

OH, MICHAEL,

THERE YOU
ARE. YEAH.

RENT CHEQUE'S DUE
TODAY, SWEETIE.

ADAM AND STEVE.
ADAM AND STEVE.

[ Beeps of dialling ]

UP FOR
ANOTHER GO?
[ Chuckle ]

THINGS ARE TIGHT.

WHEN CAN I
SEE YOU AGAIN?

THE STORE POLICY, UH,

NO DEPOSIT...

NO RETURN.

THEN...

I'LL JUST HAVE TO
TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

YOU DON'T GET THAT.

OH, LET ME GUESS.

A BOYFRIEND?

HUH. THOUGHT SO.

[ Humming of
elevator motor ]

I WAS IN
ONE OF THOSE
ARRANGEMENTS ONCE.

PROBLEM IS...

YOU LEAVE YOUR
DOOR OPEN,

AND YOU NEVER
KNOW WHO'S
GONNA COME IN...

OR OUT.

DO YOU MIND TAKING
THE STAIRS?

CUTTING IT A
LITTLE CLOSE,
AREN'T YOU?

HEY.
WE'RE HERE.

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE
SALES THEY WERE HAVING.

LOOKS LIKE
YOU PICKED UP
A FEW THINGS.

YOU TOO.

I JUST SOLD
A HOUSE.

SO, I DECIDED
TO SPLURGE,

BUY MYSELF SOME
NEW CLOTHES.

I'M WAY TOO OLD
TO GO SHOPPING
WITH MY MOTHER.

NOT WHEN
SHE'S PAYING.

Brian:
I HOPE YOU
REMEMBERED

TO BUY HIM
SOME RUBBERS...

UH, FOR THOSE
RAINY DAYS.

HEY.

LOOK, YOU CAN
WEAR THIS TO
DAPHNE'S PARTY.

NAH. NOT GOING
TO THE HETERO-HOP

WITH A BUNCH OF BEER-
CHUGGING BREEDERS.

[ Snorting ]
JUSTIN, YOU'VE
GOT TO GET
OUT THERE,

AND MEET
NEW FRIENDS
YOUR OWN AGE.

NOTHING PERSONAL.
OH NO, I AGREE.

YOUTH SHOULD
BE SAVOURED.

I MET HIS DAD IN
JUNIOR YEAR, BUT...

BELIEVE ME,
BEFORE THAT,
I DID SOME...

PRETTY...
[ Chuckling ]
WILD THINGS.

UH, IT RUNS
IN THE FAMILY.

OKAY, I'VE
GOT TO PICK UP
YOUR SISTER.

SWEETHEART,
COLLEGE IS
GOING TO BE

THE BEST TIME
OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M JUST... I'M SO
EXCITED FOR YOU.

MMM-WAH.
SO AM I.

BYE.
BYE.

HOW WAS HE?
NOT BAD.

WHAT DID HE
LOOK LIKE?
[ Chuckling ]

GUESS.

[ Sniffing ]

UH...

6'2"...

[ Sniffing ]

175, BLACK HAIR,
BROWN EYES...

SMOULDERING GOOD LOOKS.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

MMMM. WHAT'D
YOU DO?

YOU FUCKED HIM?
YOU SUCK HIM?
TELL ME.

WHY DON'T I
JUST SHOW YOU?

HUP TWO, SOLDIER.
BOMBS AWAY!

READY...

AIM...

FIRE!

[ Groaning ]

AH.

[ Gasping ]

BRAVO!
[ Chuckling ]

FETCH DIXON DELIVERS
ANOTHER STUNNING
DISPLAY OF MANPOWER.

WELL...
Cameraman:
I'LL TAKE
YOUR GUNS.

MY FANS EXPECT ME
TO GIVE IT MY ALL.

WHOO. I DO HAVE
A REPUTATION
TO UPHOLD.

AND JUDGING FROM
ALL YOUR CARDS
AND LETTERS,

THEY LOVE
TO WATCH YOU
UPHOLD IT.

[ Giggling ]

"DEAR FETCH, I AM
SENDING YOU THIS

AS A TOKEN OF
MY AFFECTION.

PLEASE THINK OF ME
WHEN YOU USE IT."

EUW.

"DEAR FETCH,

COULD YOU WEAR
THIS TO THE GYM,

THEN POP IT BACK

INTO THE
SELF-ADDRESSED,
STAMPED...

ENVELOPE."

HI. GET A LIFE.

OKAY. ALL
RIGHT, LET'S...
WAIT. WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT?

OH, MY GOD!

TEDDY, LOOK.

IT'S EXQUISITE.

IT MUST HAVE
COST A FORTUNE.

WELL, HERE'S
A CARD.

"YOU ARE A BEACON OF
LIGHT IN THE SORDID
GLOOM OF CYBERSPACE.

FOND
ADMIRATION...

YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."

MY SECRET
ADMIRER. I...

ALL MY LIFE,
I'VE...

I'VE WANTED A...
SECRET ADMIRER.

HERE. HERE, HERE,
HELP ME PUT IT ON.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO KEEP IT?

I... IT'SGOLD!

WHAT QUEEN DOESN'T
ACCEPT GOLD? HUH.

UH, ONE WHOSE LOYAL
SUBJECTS SEND HIM
GIANT DILDOES,

AND WANT TO
SNIFF HIS
JOCK-STRAP.

THEY'RE LUNATICS,
EMMETT.

IF YOU LET THEM
INTO YOUR LIFE,

THEY'RE GOING
TO THINK THEY'RE
YOUR FRIENDS,

AND THEY'RE GOING
TO EXPECT YOU
TO BE THEIRS,

AND YOU'LL NEVER BE
RID OF THEM, SO...

COME ON.

BUT IT'S SO SHINY...

AND PRETTY.

TAKE IT OFF.

I DON'T WANT TO.
EMMETT!

ALL RIGHT.

UH, COME ON.

GIVE IT.

REMEMBER,
EVERYTHING
IN THIS LIFE

COMES WITH STRINGS
ATTACHED. OKAY?

EVEN LITTLE,
WHITE, SATIN ONES.
I'M SORRY.

Man:
OKAY. AND
WE'RE ROLLING.

HI, I'M MIKE. UH,
I'M JUST A FUN GUY,

AND I'D LOVE TO MEET
ANOTHER FUN GUY,

SO CALL ME IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR SOME FUN.

UH... LET'S
TRY IT AGAIN,
BUT THIS TIME,

LET'S HAVE A
LITTLE LESS "FUN".

LESS FUN.

UM...
[ Clearing of throat ]

HEY, DUDES, IT'S MIKE.

I'M INTO
GOOD TIMES,

GOOD FRIENDS, YOU
KNOW, THE GOOD LIFE.

CALL ME.

IS THAT BETTER?

FOR A BEER COMMERCIAL,
YEAH. UM, BUT, UH...

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN,
AND THIS TIME,

LET'S TRY TO BE MORE...
I DON'T KNOW, PERSONAL.

I NEVER KNEW MY FATHER.

HE WAS KILLED
IN VIETNAM TWO
WEEKS AFTER
I WAS BORN,

BUT SOMEHOW WE
MANAGED TO SURVIVE.

I DROPPED OUT OF
COMMUNITY COLLEGE,

AND, UH, I WENT TO
WORK AT THE BIG Q MART.

THAT'S WHEN MY UNCLE VIC
CAME TO LIVE WITH US.

HE WAS DYING
OF AIDS.

OKAY, UH, THANKS
FOR SHARING,
BUT, UH...

YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR A DATE, NOT
A THERAPIST,
ALL RIGHT?

SO WE'VE GOT TIME
FOR ONE MORE,

SO PUT A
MORE POSITIVE
SPIN ON IT.

HI, I'M MICHAEL. I'M 29.

HONEST, SINCERE, ROMANTIC,
WITH MY OWN BUSINESS.

I LIKE... WORKING OUT,
DANCING, GOING TO CLUBS.

I HAVE A GREAT
GROUP OF FRIENDS. I
LOVE THEM TO DEATH,

BUT I'M STILL LOOKING FOR
THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE WHO...

Ben's voice:
WHO KNOWS THAT
UNDERNEATH THAT MILD-
MANNERED APPEARANCE...

BEATS THE HEART
OF A SUPERHERO.

I'M SORRY,
WHAT WAS THAT?

[ Mixed chatter
of passersby ]

I SWEAR YOU
CAN'T TELL THE
DIFFERENCE.

[ Chuckling ]

WELL, AS
LONG AS WE'RE
COMPARING...

HOLY SHIT!

IS THAT
REAL GOLD?

I ALMOST BROKE
A TOOTH TESTING.

MY SECRET ADMIRER
SENT IT TO ME.

WHO DO YOU
THINK IT IS?

I KNOW WHO I'D
LIKE IT TO BE.

HUH. A DASHING,
YOUNG PRINCE,

TOO... SHY AT
FIRST TO REVEAL HE
HAS A CRUSH ON ME.

BUT HE
APPEARS
AND...

WHISKS ME OFF
TO HIS PALACE.

OH, WHERE YOU LIVE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

I KNOW. IT'S...

HIGHLY UNREALISTIC.

MY FRIENDS WOULD PROBABLY
LAUGH IF THEY HEARD ME.

OH, WHAT DO THEY KNOW
ABOUT LOVE, HONEY? HUH.

MOST OF THEM ARE TOO BUSY
CHASING THEIR HARD-ONS

TO LISTEN TO
THEIR HEART. HM.

STILL I... HAVE
THIS DREAM...

OF... PERFECTION.

SO I... KEEP
ON LOOKING...

HOPING AGAINST HOPE
THAT I'LL FIND IT.

WELL, IT'S AN
ADMIRABLE DREAM, HONEY.

BUT I GOTTA
TELL YOU, EM,
IN MOST CASES,

THAT KIND OF
LOVE ONLY HAPPENS
IN THE MOVIES,

AND EVEN
THEN, ONLY TO
AUDREY HEPBURN.

REAL LOVE,
WHEN IT COMES,
DOESN'T LOOK

ANYTHING LIKE
WHAT YOU EXPECT.

PARDON ME.

YES?

YOU'RE FETCH,
ARE YOU NOT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN SENT
TO "FETCH" YOU.

EXCUSE ME. YOU...

YOU EXPECT ME
TO GET INTO A
CAR WITH A...

A TOTAL
STRANGER AND...
AND... AND...

DRIVE OFF TO GOD
KNOWS WHERE? I...

SORRY, BUT MY
MOTHER TAUGHT
ME BETTER. HUH.

DON'T LOOK AT
ME. I'M NOT
HIS MOTHER.

MY EMPLOYER IS
EXPECTING YOU.

AND WHO...
WHO EXACTLY IS
YOUR EMPLOYER?

YOU KNOW

HE'S GOTTA TELL
YOU HE'S NOT AT
LIBERTY TO SAY.

I'M NOT AT
LIBERTY TO SAY.

WHAT HAVE YOU
GOTTA DO THE
REST OF THE DAY?

WASH OUT
YOUR UNDIES?

OKAY.

WHOO!

Michael: [ On tape ]
HI, I'M MICHAEL. I'M 29,

HONEST, SINCERE, ROMANTIC.

I LOVE DANCING, GOING TO
THE MOVIES, WORKING OUT.

I-I GOT A GREAT
GROUP OF FRIENDS.
I LOVE 'EM TO DEATH,

BUT I'M STILL LOOKING
FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO
HAVE SOME FUN, CALL ME.

WELL?

YOU HAVE EXCELLENT
POSTURE.

NICE SHIRT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
ADORABLE.

IT'S PATHETIC.

AT LEAST SOMEBODY'S HONEST.

ASSHOLE.

WHAT A COMPLETE FUCKING
WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.

Brian:
LISTEN, MIKEY,
YOU HAVE TO
SELL YOURSELF.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE
NO DIFFERENT THAN
TOOTHPASTE OR SHAMPOO.

PEOPLE
WANT SEXY.

THEY WANT HOT.
Ted:
HE'S RIGHT.

I THINK I'LL RE-
HEAT THIS PIZZA.

Michael:
SO WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

DON'T MOVE.

[ ?????? ]

OW.

[ ?????? ]

LET'S SEE.

"NICE GUY..."
MAKE THAT
"A HOT GUY".

"WELL-ROUNDED..."

COULD YOU MAKE
THAT "WELL-HUNG"?

"WITH A SPIRIT
OF ADVENTURE."

"IS INTO ANY SCENE."

CAN'T SAY THAT.

SHUT UP AND SHOW
ME SOME SKIN.

"IF YOU'RE GIVING,

WITH A GREAT
SENSE OF HUMOUR,

BIG HEART..."

"IF YOU LIKE
TO GIVE IT..."

Melanie:
"HAVE A
GREAT BODY..."

"AND A BIG COCK..."

"I WANT TO
HEAR FROM YOU."

Lindsay:
PERFECT.

[ ?????? ]

THAT'S THE ONE.

[ ?????? ]

All:
[ Gasps of delight ]

I'D DATE ME.
SO WOULD I.

THEORETICALLY
SPEAKING.

WELL, IT'S
NOT EXACTLY
WHAT I WROTE.

[ Scoffing ]
WRITERS,

COMPLAINING EVERY
TIME YOU CHANGE
A FUCKING WORD.

Melanie:
YOU'LL BE BEAT-
ING THEM OFF
WITH A STICK.

Ted:
HOPEFULLY
YOU WON'T
NEED A STICK.

Brian:
SO HOW DOES IT FEEL, MIKEY,

TO BE THE HOTTEST
GUY ON THE INTERNET?

Melanie:
[ Chuckling ]

Emmett:
WELL, IN THE
MODERN RE-TELLING,

THE COACHWOULD
BE A LIMO,

AND THE LIVERIED
FOOTMAN WOULD, UH,

WOULD BE THE DRIVER,

AND CINDERELLA
WOULD, OF COURSE,

BE A FAG RATHER
THAN A WOMAN,

SINCE NO SELF-RESPECTING
WOMAN WOULD LET HERSELF

BE ENTICED TO A
STRANGE MAN'S HOME

WITH JEWELRY, A LIMO,
CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR...

[ Chuckling ]
THANK GOD.

[ Rolling of window ]

OH, MY GOD.

[ Chiming of clock ]

SOMETHING TELLS ME I'M
NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.

IN FACT, SOMETHING
TELLS ME I'M NOT IN
PITTSBURGH ANYMORE.

FETCH?

[ ?????? ]

IT'S HIM.

UH, YOUR,
UH, YOUR...
YOUR MAJESTY.

YOUR... GRACE,
YOUR, UH...

GORGEOUSNESS,
I, UH...

I RECEIVED
THE BRACELET...

AND I'M YOURS.

I'M THE BUTLER, SIR.

UH... OH.

THIS WAY.

OKAY. YEAH. RIGHT.

JESUS, IF HE'S
THE BUTLER...

THANK YOU.
[ Chuckle ]

[ Closing of door ]

OH... MY... GOD!

?? IF... THEY... COULD...
SEE ME NOW ??

?? THAT LITTLE
GANG OF MINE ??

[ Giggle ]
NO, NO, NO. DON'T
DO THAT. NO. NO.

THIS IS, UH, NO TIME
TO BE A SHOW-TUNE QUEEN.

THIS IS, UH...
IT'S MUCH MORE...

[ English accent ]
"MASTERPIECE THEATRE".

YES. OH....
[ Chuckling ]

[ Clearing of throat ]
YOUR HIGHNESS. YES.

HOW VERY KIND OF
YOU TO INVITE ME.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
WITH THE PLACE. YES.

JOIN YOU BY THE FIRE?
OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED.

[ Chuckling ]
DO YOU KNOW,

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO ASK YOU, IS, UH,

IS CHARMING
YOUR FIRST NAME

OR YOUR LAST?
[ Yelp of surprise ]

OH. HUH.

JESUS CHRIST.
SCARED ME TO DEATH.

I DIDN'T, UH,
DIDN'T KNOW
ANYONE WAS HERE.

I'M, UH, I'M FETCH.

WAITING FOR THE MASTER.

I'M GEORGE SCHICKEL.

I AM THE MASTER.

Y... YOU...
I SEE YOU, UH,

RECEIVED MY
LITTLE... TOKEN
OF ESTEEM.

HUH?

OH... YEAH.

I WAS ON
THE INTERNET
ONE DAY,

"SURFING" I BELIEVE
IS THE WORD,

WHEN I CAME UPON YOU.

OH, MY,
MY, MY.

YOU'RE A VERY
TALENTED BOY.

HARDLY A BOY.

AT MY AGE,

EVERYONE'S A BOY.

NOW THEN...
[ Clearing
of throat ]

SHALL WE DISCUSS
YOUR FEE?
FEE?

OH, FOR YOUR...
SERVICES.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU
PEOPLE CHARGE, SO, UM,

WILL A THOUSAND SUFFICE?

A TH...
THOUSAND? A...

[ Chuckle ]
ALL RIGHT, TWO.

TWO? TWO...
ALL RIGHT. THREE.

GOD, YOU DRIVE A
HARD BARGAIN...

SO IT HAD BETTER...
BE HARD.

[ Chuckle ]

EXCUSE ME, MR. SCHICKEL,

BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'VE
MADE A MISTAKE.

I'M NOT,
AS YOU SEEM
TO THINK,

FOR HIRE.

I CAME HERE E-EXPECTING...

WELL, IT'S...

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT
I CAME HERE EXPECTING,

EXCEPT TO
SAY I DIDN'T
FIND IT.

THANK YOU
FOR THE, UH,
LOVELY GIFT...

AND FOR ALLOWING ME A
FEW MOMENTS TO DREAM.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

[ ?????? ]

YOU WANT ME
TO FUCK YOU?

I WANT YOU TO
WASH MY BACK.

[ ?????? ]

BETTER GET
A MOVE ON.

THE GUYS ARE
WAITING ON US.

YOU KNOW MAYBE
YOU SHOULD...

GET SOME FRIENDS
YOUR OWN AGE.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER.

WELL, SOMETIMES
YOUR MOMMY'S RIGHT.

I HAVE FRIENDS
MY OWN AGE.

YOU'RE MY AGE,
EMOTIONALLY.

I MEAN LIKE DAPHNE.

HUH! I'M NOT GOING
TO HER LAME-ASS PARTY.

WHY? YOU GOT SOME-
THING BETTER TO DO?

BE WITH YOU.

YOU CAN ALWAYS
BE WITH ME.

YOU PRACTICALLY ARE.

WHAT IF I MEET SOME
HORNY FRAT BOY?

FUCK HIM FOR ME.

AW. HEY, I JUST
WANT YOU TO
ENJOY YOUR YOUTH.

I CERTAINLY HAVE.

Michael:
19 GUYS ALREADY.

Ted:
HE'S NOT BAD.

HE'S EVEN BETTER.

OH MY GOD!
HE'S PERFECT.

AND HE WANTS TO
MEET YOU TONIGHT.

Both:
[ Chuckles of disbelief ]

I GOTTA GIVE BRIAN
CREDIT, HE CAN
SELL ANYTHING,

[ Opening of door ]
EVEN ME.

HEY, EM, YOU WANNA
SEE MY DREAM DATE?

Emmett:
FUCK OFF.

Ted:
WHO PISSED ON
YOUR PARADE?

MY SECRET ADMIRER.
Ted:
YOU DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT
WE AGREED

THAT THIS WASN'T
REALLY A GOOD IDEA.

I KNOW. BUT
HIS CHAUFFEUR
PICKED ME UP.

YOU DID IT WITH
HIS CHAUFFEUR?

NO, SWEETIE,
HIS CHAUFFEUR

DROVE ME...
TO HIS PLACE...
[ Grunt of effort ]

WHICH MAKES
BUCKINGHAM PALACE
LOOK LIKE A WINNEBAGO.

[ Sigh ]
SO WHO IS THIS
GUY, ANYWAY?

GEORGE SCHICKEL.

"SCHICKEL'S PICKLES"?

"THE PICKLE THE
PEOPLE PREFER"?

WELL, HE CAN
KEEP HIS PICKLE.

IT'S LIKE, 300 YEARS OLD.

THEY SAY HE'S
WORTH A FORTUNE.

WELL, UNFORTU-
NATELY FOR HIM

HE FINALLY
FOUND SOMETHING

THAT EVEN HIS
MONEY CAN'T BUY,

NAMELY... ME.

HE THINKS
YOU'RE A...

A HUSTLER! CAN
YOU IMAGINE? HUH!

UNBELIEVABLE.
THE NERVE!

I TOLD HIM, "I
AM AN ARTIST.

WHAT I DO REQUIRES
CONCENTRATION,

DEDICATION,
DETERMINATION...

Ted:
DON'T FORGET
EJACULATION.

TAKE MY WORD; IT'S A LOT
HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.

AND IF YOU'RE
WATCHING, MR. SCHICKEL,

WHAT YOU SEE IS DEFINITELY
NOT WHAT YOU GET.

[ ?????? ]

Daphne:
UH, JUSTIN?

HAVING A GOOD TIME?

CAN'T YOU TELL?

YES, WELL YOU
HAVE TO MINGLE.

WITH YOUR HAPPY
HETERO FRIENDS?

LOOK, IF I CAN DEAL WITH
THE HOMOS AT WOODY'S,

YOU CAN HANDLE
THEM, HMM?

YEAH, THAT'S
THE PROBLEM.

NO ONE TO HANDLE.

[ ?????? ]

WAIT.

WE HAVE TO BE SAFE.

DON'T WORRY.

I COME PREPARED.

PUT IT ON MY DICK.

JUST, UH...

GO SLOWLY, OKAY?

I...

I'VE NEVER...

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

I'LL TAKE IT EASY.

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING OUT.

HUNH! AND MISS
THE BETTY HUTTON
FILM FESTIVAL?

MY DATE IS
COMING OVER.
SO?

HE LOOKS REALLY HOT.
WHAT IF WE WANT TO FUCK
RIGHT HERE ON THE FLOOR?

I PROMISE
NOT TO LEAVE
ANY CRUMBS.

AND I HATE TO BURST
YOUR BUBBLE, BABY,

BUT MOST OF THOSE GUYS DON'T
EVEN USE THEIR OWN PHOTOS,

UH, OR ELSE THEY TOOK IT,
LIKE, 30 YEARS AGO.

DON'T BE SO CYNICAL.

AND DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN
HE SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR,

TURNS OUT TO BE
SOME OLD GEEZER.

LOOK, JUST 'CAUSE YOU
HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE,
[ Knocking on door ]

DOESN'T MEAN THAT
EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET
WHATEVER THEY WANT

BY WHATEVER
MEANS THEY CAN.

THERE'S STILL SOME HONEST
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

YOU'RE RIGHT,
THEY ALL LIE.

HE'S, LIKE, THIS 300-YEAR-
OLD GUY IN A RED CARDIGAN.

I BELIEVE THAT
ONE'S FOR ME.

[ Knocking on door ]

MR. SCHICKEL,

I DO NOT
APPRECIATE
BEING STALKED.

SO KINDLY
REMOVE YOURSELF
FROM MY DOORWAY,

MY BUILDING, MY
STREET AND MY LIFE.

PLEASE,
PLEASE I...

I'VE GONE TO A
LOT OF TROUBLE
TO FIND YOU.

QUITE UNNECESSARY,
I ASSURE YOU.

OH, NO, NO,
NO. I-I WAS...

I WAS JUST
HORRIFIED WHEN
I REALIZED THAT
I'D MADE SUCH A...

REALLY SERIOUS
MISCALCULATION.

A MISCALCULATION
IS WHEN YOU CAN'T
BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK.

THIS WAS...
AN INSULT.

I REALIZE THAT.

SO I HAVE COME HERE TO
OFFER YOU MY APOLOGIES...

AND, UH...

AND THIS...

BECAUSE I WOULD STILL
LIKE YOU TO HAVE IT.

I DON'T ACCEPT
GIFTS FROM FANS.

THEN HAVE DINNER
WITH ME.

SORRY, I... ALREADY...

PLEASE.

PLEASE?

IT WOULD JUST
BE A SMALL BUT...

NEVERTHELESS HEART-
FELT EXPRESSION OF
MY DEEPEST REGRET,

AT HAVING
TREATED YOU
IN SUCH A RUDE

AND REPREHENSIBLE MANNER.

WELL, I...

I DON'T THINK YOUR MANNER'S
THAT... REPREHENSIBLE. I...

[ Chuckle ]

WELL...

OH, ALL RIGHT.

GO... REV UP THE CARRIAGE,
PRINCE CHARMING, I'LL...

GET MY SLIPPERS.

[ Chuckling ]

HMMM.

UH, EXCUSE ME,

I'M LOOKING FOR MICHAEL.

OH MY GOD, YOU, UH...

YOU REALLY ARE A DREAM.
[ Chuckle ]

SO...
MICHAEL,

YOUR DATE'S HERE.

WHERE WERE YOU
10 SECONDS AGO

WHEN I WAS
STILL AVAILABLE?

OH, UM, COME IN.

THANKS.

Both:
SO, UM...
[ Laughing ]

I THOUGHT WE'D,
UH, DO MAYBE PIZZA
AND A MOVIE.

OR, UH, TEX-MEX
AND DANCING.

OR WE COULD JUST
STAY HERE AND FUCK
OUR BRAINS OUT.

UH, THAT ONE.

[ Chuckling ]
YOU NEGATIVE?

YOU?

[ Distant party hubbub ]

AH. SO, UH...

WHAT WAS
YOURS LIKE?

YOUR FIRST TIME?
HMMM.

I SAW HIM, I
KNEW RIGHT AWAY
HE WAS THE ONE.

WERE YOU SCARED?
[ Laughing ]
SHITLESS!

[ Sigh ]

WE WENT BACK TO HIS
PLACE. I SWEAR...

I COULDN'T SPEAK
MY HEART WAS
POUNDING SO HARD.

I LET HIM FUCK
ME THOUGH.

I STILL
REMEMBER FEELING
HIM INSIDE ME...

SEEING HIS FACE
WHEN HE CAME...

[ Pounding on door ]

WANTING IT TO
GO ON FOREVER.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN.
[ Pounding on door ]

Woman:
WE NEED
OUR COATS.

FUCK OFF!

Both:
[ Laughing ]

GOD, I HATE THESE
STUPID PARTIES.

AH, ME TOO.

I WOULDN'T
HAVE COME, BUT
IF I DIDN'T,

MY FRIEND DAPHNE
WOULD NEVER SPEAK
TO ME AGAIN.

WELL, I USUALLY
END UP STANDING
IN THE CORNER

WATCHING THEDUDES
ANDBABESAND...

THINKING HOW
I SHOULD HAVE
STAYED HOME AND
WATCHED MTV.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
TO CLUBS AND BARS?

YOU'D MEET LOTS
OF GUYS THERE.

I DON'T WANT
TO MEET A
LOT OF GUYS.

I WANT TO MEET
JUST ONE, HUH,

THAT I CAN
BE WITH...

JUST THE
TWO OF US.

YEAH!

THINGS DON'T EXACTLY
WORK OUT THAT WAY.

THEY CAN IF YOU
WANT THEM TO.

[ Pounding on door ]

Woman:
COME ON!

I GUESS WE BETTER
GET DRESSED.

Woman:
HURRY UP!

COME BACK HERE.

Woman:
COME ON.
[ Pounding on door ]

MMM!

MMM, I LOVE...

BURGER QUEEN!
[ Chuckling ]

BUT YOU KNOW,
FOR ME...

WHAT MAKES IT
A ROYAL TREAT

IS NOT THE
ALL-MEAT PATTY

OR THE
SPECIAL BUN.

IT'S THE PICKLES.
AH.

I RELISH THE COMPLIMENT.

Both:
[ Laughing ]

AND THEY'RE... THEY'RE...
THEY ARE MINE, YOU KNOW.

OH YEAH?
OH YEAH.

OH.
[ Chuckling ]

I'M A PICKLE-LOVER
FROM WAY BACK.

MY GREAT AUNT LULAH
BACK IN HAZELHURST,
MISSISSIPPI,

SHE USED
TO MAKE 'EM.

SHE HAD A VAT RIGHT OUT
THERE ON HER KITCHEN PORCH.

I'D GO OVER
THERE EVERY DAY
AFTER SCHOOL,

AND WE'D SIT
OUT BACK AND...

GAB AND SUCK ON THOSE
BIG OLD THINGS.

[ Chuckle ]
WHICH WAS
PROBABLY

MORE SIGNIFICANT TO
LATER STAGES OF MY
PSYCHO-SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT

THAN I CARE
TO GO INTO.

[ Hearty chuckle ]

YOU HAD A REALLY
COLOURFUL FAMILY.

I PREFER TO THINK
OF THEM AS LUNATICS.

YEAH.
EXCEPT FOR
AUNT LULAH,

WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE THE CRAZY ONE.

SHE WAS MY ONLY
FRIEND. HMM.

THE REST
OF THEM...

WANTED NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE...

THE LOCAL SISSY BOY.

MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY LONELY.

HMM.

DIDN'T STOP ME FROM
BEING WHO I WANTED TO BE.

FUCK 'EM ALL!

THAT WAS
MY MOTTO.

STILL IS.
[ Laughing ]

WELL... I ADMIRE
YOUR COURAGE.

I WISH I'D
HAD IT.

INSTEAD I CHOSE
TO... LIVE A LIE,

SUBJUGATING MY FREEDOM,

MY DESIRES TO THE
FAMILY FORTUNE.

I EVEN ALLOWED THEM TO...

MARRY ME OFF TO THIS
MEAT-PACKING HEIRESS

SO THAT WE COULD
MAKE BEAUTIFUL SAND-
WICHES TOGETHER.

OH, IT WAS A
PERFECT MERGER...

TILL ONE DAY ABOUT...

FIVE YEARS AGO,
SHE CAME HOME AND...

CAUGHT ME GIVING THE
GARDENER A BLOW JOB

RIGHT THERE IN THE
MIDDLE OF HER PRIZE-
WINNING ROSE GARDEN.

WHY, GEORGE...
[ Chuckling ]

YOU RAKE.

FRENCH-FRY?
MMMM.

WELL IT WASN'T...

AS IF I WERE CHEATING
ON HER. I MEAN,

WE HADN'T
HAD SEX
SINCE 1972.

BUT SHE, UH, SUED
ME FOR MILLIONS.

TURNED THE
CHILDREN
AGAINST ME.

NEEDLESS TO
SAY, I...

BECAME A SOCIAL PARIAH.

AT LEAST YOU WERE...

FINALLY FREE
TO BE YOURSELF.

YEAH, YEAH, TO BE
ALONE, FRIENDLESS...

AND BUYING COMPANIONSHIP
OVER THE INTERNET.

WELL...

FUCK 'EM ALL!

[ Panting ]

UH... OH, MAN.

Both:
[ Gasping ]

YOU ARE PERFECT.

I KNOW.

BUT... I WASN'T ALWAYS.

I USED TO
WEIGH 350.
I WAS BALD.

I HAD HIDEOUS,
COARSE BODY HAIR
ALL OVER MY BACK,

MY SHOULDERS,
MY STOMACH.
REALLY?

NOT TO MENTION NO
CHIN. HUGE HONKER,

ZERO CHEEKBONES.
DEFINITELY NOT
A PRETTY SIGHT.

BUT YOU LOOK SO...
IT ALL STARTED
WITH LIPOSUCTION.

THEN A SERIES
OF OPERATIONS TO
TIGHTEN MY SKIN.

NEXT, LASER
HAIR REMOVAL,

EVERYWHERE
EXCEPT MY PUBES,

WHICH, OF
COURSE, I TRIM.
OF COURSE.

AFTER THAT HAIR
TRANSPLANTATION,

SCALP REDUCTION,
NOSE JOB,

CHEEK AND
CHIN IMPLANTS.

THAT MUST HAVE
BEEN EXPENSIVE.

OH, A HUNDRED THOU,
GIVE OR TAKE,

MY FOLKS
HAVE MONEY.

NOW I WORK OUT WITH
A TRAINER, ADOLPH,

FIVE HOURS A DAY,
SIX DAYS A WEEK,

IT'S BRUTAL BUT,
GOTTA MAINTAIN.

AND FOOD COMBINING,
VERY IMPORTANT.

YOU CAN EAT PROTEINS
WITH VEGETABLES

OR CARBS WITH
VEGETABLES,

BUT NEVER,
NEVER,NEVER...

PROTEINS
WITH CARBS.
GOT IT.

SUPPLEMENTS ARE ESSENTIAL.

YOU WANT SOME HAAGEN-DAAZ?

HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING?

YOU KNOW...

YOU COULD USE A LITTLE
IMPROVING YOURSELF...

LASER HAIR REMOVAL
ON YOUR CHEST,

PEC IMPLANTS. THE
BRIDGE OF YOUR NOSE

IS DEFINITELY...
IT'S TOO WIDE.

A-A-AND NOTHING
PERSONAL BUT...

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
A... A PENILE EXTENSION.

THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Justin:
[ Moaning ]

YOU'RE
FINALLY UP.
[ Chuckling ]

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S TIME TO
TAKE CARE OF YOUR
MORNING HARD-ON,

ALTHOUGH IT'S
AFTER NOON.

SOMEBODY GOT
HOME LATE
LAST NIGHT.

2:58, JUST
UNDER THE WIRE.

OL' DAPHNE MUST
HAVE HAD SOME
KICK-ASS PARTY.

MMM, YEAH, IT
WAS ALL RIGHT.

[ Sniffing ]

MY NOSE TELLS
ME IT WAS BETTER

THAN ALL RIGHT.

I SMELL A VARSITY
LACROSSE PLAYER.

[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE WAY OFF.

HOLD ON.

[ Sniffing ]

HM, IT'S COMING.

HMM.
[ Sniffing ]

A NICE, TIGHT
COMPUTER NERD.

YOU'RE GETTING
WARMER.

[ Sniffing ]

A SCENT OF
INNOCENCE.

A... A VIRGIN.

A LUCKY GUESS.

YOU KISSED HIM.

I THINK I'LL
TAKE A SHOWER.

THE FACE WAS
GREAT. THE
BODY WAS GREAT.

THE SEX
WAS GREAT.

AND THEN HE
STARTED TALKING.

SO LET ME GET
THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU HAD SEX ON A DATE

BEFORE YOU EVEN
HAD A CONVERSATION?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

AND WHY'S THAT?

BECAUSE SEX IS
DIFFERENT FOR MEN
THAN IT IS FOR WOMEN.

THE NEED IS
MORE IMMEDIATE,
MORE INTENSE.

AT LEAST THAT'S
WHAT I'VE READ.

WHERE, IN
"FIELD AND STREAM"?

UH, JUST FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, LINZ
AND I FUCK LIKE CRAZY.

WE PANT AND DROOL
LIKE A COUPLE OF
BITCHES IN HEAT.

OUR PUSSIES
SOAK THE SHEETS.

Lindsay:
AND WE GO AT IT
A LOT LONGER

THAN THE 10-MINUTE TUMBLE
YOU GUYS CALL SEX.

AND YOU DON'T
EVEN WANNA KNOW

HOW MANY TIMES WE
GET OFF IN A NIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T.

HI, HONEY
MOM...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DID SOMETHING
SCARE YOU?

JUST US.

I THINK MICHAEL
HAD A BAD DATE.

I TOLD YOU TO CALL
IDA, FOR CHRISSAKES.

SHE'S A FUCK-
ING GENIUS.

I'LL END UP WITH
A JEWISH PRINCESS.

YOU COULD END UP
WITH A LOT WORSE.
MMM.

OH-H.

[ Chuckle ]
[ Shudder ]

[ Groans of exertion ]

[ ?????? ]

GEEZ, EASY!

YOU'VE GOT A
LOT ON THERE.

I FEEL SLACK. I
NEED TO TIGHTEN UP.

YOU HAVE A 18-
YEAR-OLD AT HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU
WORRIED ABOUT?
Emmett:
KEEPING HIM.

IT'S A SHAME YOU
CAN'T ENJOY YOUR
GOLDEN YEARS WITHOUT...

WORRYING ABOUT
EVERY SAG,
EVERY WRINKLE.

AH, I GUESS THAT'S
WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU'RE
DATING SOMEONE
SO MANY...

MANYYEARS
YOUR JUNIOR.

THERE'S ALWAYS
THAT CONSTANT
NAGGING FEAR

HE'S GONNA DUMP
YOU FOR A...

HOTTER, CUTER,
YOUNGER,

FIRMER... STUD.

YEAH, I DON'T ENVY
YOU YOUR YOUTH.

WELL, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO

SINCE YOU'RE DATING
SOMEONE WHO'S 103.

I'M NOT DATING HIM.
WE SHARED A BURGER.

[ Laughing ]
HE CAN HAVE SOLIDS?

YOU KNOW, GEORGE
MAY NOT BE 29

OR HAVE A PERFECT CHIN
OR A 30-INCH WAIST,

BUT HE'S A
LOT NICER THAN
CERTAIN ARROGANT,

CONTEMPTUOUS, SELF-
DELUDED ASSHOLES
THAT I KNOW.

DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE GONNA
SEE HIM AGAIN.

NO, WHEN
WE, UH...

WHEN WE SAID
GOOD NIGHT, WE, UH,
ALSO SAID GOODBYE.

YOU THINK HE
ACTUALLY LIKED HIM?

SOME GUYS ARE INTO
PRIME, AGED COCK.

BETTER HOPE JUSTIN IS.

[ Gasp of exertion ]

OH GOD.

SO YOU'RE
MICHAEL.

OH, YOUR MOTHER JUST
RAVES ABOUT YOU.

YOU TOO.
[ Chuckle ]

SO, A-ARE YOU A
P-FLAG MOM OR...

ACTUALLY I'M A P-FLAG SON.

HAVE SOME BUNDT.

OH, RELAX.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU
GOTTA DATEME.

[ Clearing of throat ]

NOW, WHAT ARE
YOU LOOKING FOR?

UM, HE SHOULD BE TALL,

BLUE EYES, BUILT
LIKE SUPERMAN.

WELL, WE ALL
KNOW YOU BOYS
WANT BEAUTIES.
THAT'S A GIVEN

YOU ASKED ME
WHAT I WANTED.

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE OUTSIDE.

MICHAEL SWEETHEART, WHAT
DO YOU WANT ON THE INSIDE?

I-I...

I DON'T KNOW.

SURE YOU DO.

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.

THINK.

HE'S GOTTA BE PAS-
SIONATE ABOUT LIFE.

HE'S WORKED HARD
TO SURVIVE IT...

YET HE'S MAINTAINED
HIS... HUMOUR.

HE'S CHARMING, KIND.

UH-HUH.

HE DOES SOMETHING
CREATIVE, MAYBE A WRITER.

AND HE'S INTO SPIRITUAL
STUFF, LIKE BUDDHA.

AND HE FOCUSES ON
LIVING IN THE NOW

BECAUSE THERE'S
NO TIME TO WASTE.

OH...

AND WHEN I'M WITH HIM, I
FEEL LIKE A BETTER PERSON.

UH-HUH.

UH... AHA!

NO.

AH! HERE HE IS.

THE LIMELIGHT,
LIBERTY AVENUE,
8:00 O'CLOCK.

SHOULDN'T I SEE A PHOTO-
GRAPH? HOW WILL I KNOW
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE?

OH, YOU DON'T
NEED ONE.

TRUST ME, YOU'LL KNOW.

Various:
A NEW MEMBER. OOH! HI...

[ Lewd chuckles ]

HONEY...

JUST START
BREATHING

AND TAKE A SEAT
AND I'LL BE
RIGHT WITH YOU.

AH, A-ACTUALLY, I'M
LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.

IN THIS JOINT,
WHO ISN'T?
[ Chuckle ]

JUSTIN.

FRIEND OF YOURS?
HUH.

UH, DO YOU MIND
IF I TAKE A BREAK?

TAKE ALL THE
TIME YOU NEED...

AS LONG AS
YOU'RE BACK IN
FIVE MINUTES.

WH-WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

I'VE BEEN THINK-
ING ABOUT YOU
SINCE LAST NIGHT.

I REALLY
MISSED YOU.

YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW ME.

SURE I DO.
AND, UH...

YOU KNOW ME TOO.

LOOK, I DON'T
WANT YOU TO COME
HERE AGAIN, OKAY?

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I SAID SO.

YEAH, BUT AFTER
WHAT HAPPENED,

I THOUGHT THAT WE
COULD HAVE THIS...
NOTHING HAPPENED.

WE FUCKED,
THAT'S ALL.

THAT'S NOT ALL.

I LOVE YOU.

[ Scoffing ]
YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

AND FROM THE WAY
YOU KISSED ME,
I CAN TELL

THAT WE HAD
THIS CONNECT...
DO YOU KNOW HOW
PATHETIC YOU ARE?

ONE LOUSY FUCK.

NOW YOU'RE CARRY-
ING ON LIKE SOME
LOVESICK FAIRY.

YOU'VE GOT A
LOT TO LEARN.

FAGS WILL SAY
ANYTHING TO GET
THEIR DICKS SUCKED

OR FUCK A NICE ASS.

THEN IT'S ON
TO THE NEXT.

I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.

I KNOW WHAT
I FELT.

YEAH WELL, I DIDN'T
FEEL ANYTHING.

AS FAR AS
I'M CONCERNED,

YOU'RE YESTERDAY'S FUCK.

HMMM.

SHOULDN'T YOU LET
THE GARDENER DO THAT?

THE GARDENER'S GOOD
FOR SOME THINGS.

IT'S A NEW GARDENER.

[ Chuckling ]

BUT THESE NEED
SPECIAL CARE.

WHO WOULD THINK
AN UGLY LITTLE
THING LIKE THIS

COULD CONTAIN
SOMETHING SO
BEAUTIFUL.

I USED TO HELP
MY MOTHER IN
THE GARDEN.

ONCE I, UH,
I PLANTED A
LIGHT BULB.

THOUGHT COME
SPRING THERE'D
BE A CHANDELIER.

Both:
[ Laughing ]

DUMB, HUH?

CHARMING
NEVERTHELESS.

OH, UH, TO, UM,

TO THANK YOU FOR
DINNER, I, UH,

I BROUGHT US SOME LUNCH.

YOU REALLY MUST
LOVE BURGER QUEEN.

I ASKED FOR EXTRA PICKLES.

[ Chuckling ]

THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL
OF YOU, FETCH.

ACTUALLY MY... MY
REAL NAME ISN'T FETCH.

IT'S, UH, IT'S EMMETT.

NICE TO MEET YOU, EMMETT.

WELL.

UM...

WHY NOT?
RIGHT HERE.

THANK YOU.

?? I'LL KNOW ??

?? WHEN MY LOVE
COMES ALONG... ??

Michael: [ Thinking ]
DISTURBING QUESTION
NUMBER ONE:

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO RECOGNIZE MY DATE

WHEN I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM?

DISTURBING QUESTION
NUMBER TWO:

WHY DO I LISTEN
TO MY MOTHER?

SHIT! BEN'S HERE.

THIS TIME I'M
NOT HALLUCINATING,
IT REALLY IS HIM.

DISTURBING QUESTION
NUMBER THREE:

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
IMPRESS MY DATE WHEN...

OH FUCK, BENISMY DATE.

THATMESHUGENA YENTA
ACTUALLY FIXED ME UP WITH...

OH GOD, HE'S
LOOKING AT ME.

WHAT'LL I DO?
WHAT'LL I DO?

MICHAEL?

BEN, WHAT
A SURPRISE.

YEAH, YEAH,
SMALL WORLD.

ISN'T IT? IDA
SURE WAS RIGHT

WHEN SHE SAID I'D
KNOW WHO IT WAS.

[ Chuckle ]
WHO?

IDA. THE MATCHMAKER.

MY MOTHER'S GONNA SHIT
WHEN SHE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

UH, ABOUT... ABOUT WHAT?

YOU AND ME.

OH, YEAH, I'M
SORRY, I'M, UH,...

AREN'T YOU HERE
FOR A DATE?

YEAH, YEAH, I AM,

BUT, UH... HI.

BUT NOT WITH YOU.

[ ?????? ]

SO MANY MEN, SO
LITTLE BODY HAIR.

SEE ANY YOU LIKE?

HIM.

I GUESS.

YOU?

HIM.

HE'S KIND
OF YOUNG.

LET'S GO FOR IT.

OR WE COULD
GO HOME,

JUST THE TWO OF US.

WHAT ABOUT THE GAME?

FUCK THE GAME.

[ ?????? ]