Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

SINCE WHEN DID WOODY'S BECOME A CUNT-RY CLUB?

SINCE YOU'RE HERE.

HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ROUND?

AHH... NO.

LAST CALL FOR YOU, YOU HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.

YOUR FIRST DAY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

ONE MINUTE HE'S IN A COMA

AND THE NEXT HE'S GOING TO COLLEGE.

WELL, IN THE WORDS OF THE KING,

"YOU GOTTA FOLLOW THAT DREAM."

MM. NOW THERE'S A DREAM.



YEE-HAW.

I'VE HAD THE SAME DREAM EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN LITTLE:

TO FALL IN LOVE, GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY.

WELL, TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD.

THREE OUT OF THREE IS EVEN BETTER.

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?

WHEN DID YOU DECIDE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

YES. A FEW WEEKS AGO. WE JUST DID.

AHH!

HERE'S A TOAST TO THE HAPPY COUPLE.

MAY YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES BEFORE IT'S...

TOO LATE.

OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING!



EVERYONE'S DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.

HEY, WHAT'S YOUR DREAM, SWEETIE?

MY DREAM IS TO ONE DAY KNOW WHAT MY DREAM IS.

DREAMING'S FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SLEEP.

I'D RATHER BE AWAKE AND FUCKING.

I'M GOING TO CALL TEDDY AND TELL HIM TO GET HIS ASS DOWN HERE.

AND I WAS HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.

WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING LAY OFF HIM?

THE GUY'S BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED.

YEAH, HE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB EVER SINCE THAT INCIDENT.

I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL SHOOTING A LOAD OFF

IN FRONT OF MY BOSS "AN INCIDENT".

HE'S NOT PICKING UP.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE HE'D DO SOMETHING... DRASTIC,

DO YOU? I-I MEAN,

HE COULD BE LYING IN BED RIGHT NOW...

DEAD.

HOW COULD YOU TELL?

TED?

TEDDY?

TED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT THE HELL'S IT LOOK LIKE?

GOD... IT SMELLS LIKE A BATH HOUSE IN HERE.

WHEN IS THE LAST TIME

YOU LEFT THIS PLACE?

FOUR DAYS.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A MARATHON.

JUST LIKE AMC.

AMERICAN MASTURBATION CLASSICS.

HONEY, I THINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

HUH. YOU'RE RIGHT. USUALLY RICKY ROD'S HAIRLESS CHEW-HOLE DRIVES ME WILD.

FOR SOME REASON IT'S LOST ITS MAGIC.

I KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN A LITTLE DEPRESSED LATELY,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO DO?

ONLY YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT ANY EASIER. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP,

GRAB A NIPPLE AND SQUEEZE.

DO I LOOK LIKE A HUMAN TIT CLAMP?

WHOA! LOOK AT THAT.

OOH.

THAT IS HOT.

UGH, NO!

YOU ARE NOT SUCKING ME INTO YOUR BLACK HOLE OF DEPRAVITY.

NOW YOU GET UP, YOU GET UP RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS BED LONG ENOUGH.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

LISTEN TO ME, TEDDY.

LOOK, I KNOW...

I KNOW IT'S BEEN TOUGH GETTING FIRED.

IT'S... IT'S A TREMENDOUS BLOW. BLOW?

SCRATCH THAT.

BUT... BUT THERE IS A GREAT, BIG...

FABULOUS WORLD OUT THERE. YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT GREAT, BIG, FABULOUS WORLD OUT THERE.

YOU EITHER JERK OFF OR YOU GET JERKED OFF.

YEAH!

THAT'S IT. GO FOR IT.

AH... NO. NO.

THAT WAS JUST FOR YOU.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU TURN DOWN GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED?

SINCE TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY.

I NEED TO SAVE MY ENERGY FOR MY ART.

HUH, WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

I PROMISE I'LL LET YOU BLOW ME TOMORROW NIGHT.

YEAH? WELL, WHO SAYS I'LL BE IN THE MOOD?

YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE MOOD,

WHICH IS KIND OF AMAZING WHEN YOU THINK OF IT.

I MEAN, AT YOUR AGE.

DRAWING MY COCK AGAIN?

JUST DOODLING.

HUH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST DOODLING.

I TOLD YOU, I HAVE SCHOOL.

THINK I'D LOOK GOOD WITH A NEW HAIRCUT?

I THINK I WOULD. DO YOU?

WHAT'D YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE BUZZ IT ALL OFF,

OR BLEACH IT.

THAT'D BE COOL. FOR TWO YEARS AGO.

SO WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING'S WRONG. WHY DO YOU THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG?

BECAUSE EVERY TIME SOMETHING'S WRONG,

YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR HAIR.

THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!

MICHAEL'S THINKING ABOUT CHANGING HIS HAIR.

OH, GOD.

BABY, WHAT'S WRONG? TELL ME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

IT FEELS LIKE EVERYBODY'S LIFE IS SPEEDING ALONG.

LINDSAY AND MELANIE ARE GETTING MARRIED,

AND JUSTIN'S GOING TO ART SCHOOL.

HE WAS PRACTICALLY DEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, FOR FUCK SAKE.

AND I'M STILL STUCK AT THE STARTING GATE.

WELL, SINCE WHEN IS IT A RACE?

SINCE I FEEL LIKE I'M COMING IN LAST.

WELL, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE CUTE. YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU'RE HUNG.

LIKE WHAT?

QUIT THE FUCKING Q!

YOU DON'T THINK I'D LIKE TO?

BUT I HAVE OBLIGATIONS TO OTHERS.

WELL, AS ONE OF THE "OTHERS" TO WHOM YOU ARE REFERRING,

I WOULD SAY YOUR FIRST OBLIGATION IS TO YOURSELF.

SO WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?

SHOULD WE HUM THE THEME FROM "JEOPARDY"?

FUCK YOU.

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY IS TO GET TO WORK ON TIME

AND NOT CATCH SHIT FROM MY BOSS.

MM, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT.

SOMEBODY GOT LUCKY.

GOOD FOR HIM. I SPENT THE NIGHT AT TED'S.

YOU GUYS, HE IS IN DEEPSHIT TROUBLE.

WE NEED TO HAVE AN INTERVENTION.

BOOZE? CRYSTAL?

WHIPPING THE WILLY.

SCHMUCK.

COULDN'T EVEN GET A DECENT ADDICTION.

SO, CAN I GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING?

COFFEE? JUICE?

POPPERS?

DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.

HE MAY ASK YOU TO SQUEEZE SOMETHING.

SO, WHAT'S UP?

YOU, TEDDY.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT MICHAEL AND BRIAN.

WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS,

WE CARE ABOUT YOU.

WE'RE HERE TO HELP.

NOT TO WORRY, UH, I'VE GOT THE SITUATION IN HAND.

YEAH, WE CAN SEE THAT.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS LATELY,

AND I HAVE BEEN RELEASING SOME TENSION, THAT'S ALL.

HEY, JUST REMEMBER...

Y-YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE, SO MANY GIFTS.

THERE'S A GREAT, BIG, FABULOUS WORLD...

YEAH, I ALREADY TRIED THAT.

FUCK THIS.

GET OFF YOUR ASS, GO TAKE A SHOWER. YOU REEK.

AND GO FIND A JOB.

WHAT I THINK...

BRIAN'S... TRYING TO SAY

IN HIS OWN, UH, OWN CARING WAY

IS YOU'RE HAVING A SELF-ESTEEM CRISIS.

OKAY? BUT WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN BECOME

A VALUABLE AND PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY AGAIN.

SO ALLOW US TO LOVE YOU, UNTIL YOU CAN LOVE YOURSELF.

I THINK HE'S LOVED HIMSELF PLENTY.

HEY, IT'S KINNEY. PUT OLIVER ON.

OLLIE? IT'S BRIAN.

ARE YOU STILL LOOKING FOR A REPLACEMENT FOR MENDOZA?

WELL, I JUST FOUND HIM.

HIS NAME IS SCHMIDT.

TED SCHMIDT.

YEAH, HE'S A TOTAL DORK.

Perfect. I'll see him at 4:00.

HEY, WONDER-WHACKER!

I JUST RAVED ABOUT YOU TO OUR HEAD OF ACCOUNTING.

YOU HAVE A MEETING AT 4:00 O'CLOCK.

DON'T FUCK IT UP.

DON'T WORRY, I'M TOO SORE TO FUCK ANYTHING.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S EXCELLENT.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, CLASS.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE MUSCULATURE OF THE BACK AND THE BUTTOCKS.

HMM.

OH FUCK!

SOMETHING WRONG, MR. TAYLOR?

NO. NOTHING.

HEY, WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

A FRIEND WAS IN TROUBLE.

ANDREW'S BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US, NOVOTNY.

SORRY, ANDREW, IT COULDN'T BE HELPED.

MAYBE WALTZING IN ANY TIME YOU PLEASED

WAS OKAY WHEN YOU WERE RUNNING THINGS,

BUT I'M IN CHARGE NOW.

LOOK, I SAID I'M SORRY, OKAY?

HEY, TAKE IT EASY. I'M NOT TRYING TO BUST YOUR BALLS.

IT'S JUST THAT WITH ALL YOUR EXPERIENCE,

THERE'S A LOT I DEPEND ON YOU FOR.

THANKS. LIKE,

SOME CHILD JUST THREW UP IN FRONT OF THE DAIRY CASE.

WHO CAN CLEAN IT UP BETTER THAN YOU?

SURE, ANDREW. RIGHT AWAY.

OH, WHAT A JERK!

WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH IT?

I'D BETTER GET A MOP.

MR. TAYLOR? DEAN RYERSON.

PROFESSOR STANLEY TELLS ME YOU WERE HAVING SOME TROUBLE

TODAY IN LIFE CLASS.

I WASN'T HAVING ANY TROUBLE.

SHE SAID YOU LOST CONTROL OF YOUR HAND.

HAH... UH, JUST FOR A SECOND.

IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL.

MR. TAYLOR, IF YOU'RE HAVING A PROBLEM...

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM, I TOLD YOU.

IT JUST... IT GETS A LITTLE TIRED.

MY OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST SAYS THE STRENGTH WILL BE BACK.

MAY I?

IT'S NOT... IT'S NOT FINISHED.

YOU'RE A VERY TALENTED YOUNG MAN, JUSTIN.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ADMITTED TO I.F.A. IF YOU WEREN'T.

BUT AS YOU KNOW,

THIS IS A... A VERY STRENUOUS PROGRAMME.

I THINK YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER

WHETHER YOU'RE ABLE TO MEET THE REQUIREMENTS.

HI.

HEY, MICHAEL.

HOW'S IT GOING, BUD?

BETTER NOW THAT I'M HERE.

HEY, DID YOU ORDER THAT OLD "JUSTICE LEAGUE"?

YEAH.

BUT IT MIGHT NOT GET HERE IN TIME.

IN TIME FOR WHAT?

END OF THE MONTH, I'M TAKING OFF FOR FLORIDA.

YEAH? WHEN YOU COMING BACK?

I'M NOT.

I GOT SOME FRIENDS DOWN IN ST. PETE, TELLING ME FOR YEARS

TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE SNOW. SO I FINALLY DECIDED.

I'M PACKING UP THE VAN AND I'M TAKING OFF.

WHAT ABOUT THE STORE?

CLOSING IT. 22 YEARS IS LONG ENOUGH.

I'M GOING TO KICK BACK,

SMOKE SOME WEED, DO SOME FISHING.

MAYBE I'LL START UP A BAND.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, BUZZY.

THANKS, MICHAEL.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

HOW VERY, VERY PROUD I AM OF YOU.

FOR WHAT?

FOR KICKING YOUR ADDICTION, FOR GETTING OUT OF BED.

FOR DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.

LIKE SHARING A BUMP AT BABYLON.

LIKE GETTING A NEW JOB.

THANKS TO MY...

DARE I SAY IT?

GOOD FRIEND BRIAN.

DON'T SAY IT.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE REALLY IMPRESSED THEM.

OLIVER SAID YOU WERE EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING.

WHICH, APPARENTLY, IS QUITE A BIG COMPLIMENT FOR AN ACCOUNTANT.

OKAY,

I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR FAVOURITE PERSON.

IN FACT, OUT OF THE SIX BILLION

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, I'M SURE I RANK SOMEWHERE BELOW

THE POPULATIONS OF ZAMBIA AND ZIMBABWE, BUT, UH,

IF THERE'S EVER ANY WAY

I CAN RETURN THE FAVOUR... THERE IS.

IF YOU SEE ME AT LUNCH,

PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

GOTCHA.

ONE FOR MIKEY.

GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME.

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

NOTHING.

BUZZY'S MOVING TO FLORIDA.

EVEN FUCKING BUZZY HAS A DREAM.

WHO'S FUCKING BUZZY?

NO ONE. I'VE SEEN HIM.

HE OWNS A COMIC BOOK STORE.

HONEY, A-AREN'T THERE OTHER PLACES?

THAT'S MY PLACE.

I'VE BEEN GOING THERE SINCE I WAS 10.

HEY!

HEY, YOURSELF.

WHY AREN'T YOU HOME PACKING YOUR LUNCH BOX

FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW?

I DON'T NEED TO. I'M NOT GOING.

LET ME GUESS,

YOU HEARD THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE YOU DRAW VAGINAS.

I QUIT.

YOU WHAT?

WHAT FOR?

WELL I CAN'T DRAW ANY MORE,

SO...

WHAT'S THE POINT WASTING MY TIME?

WHEN I COULD BE HERE,

POPPING PILLS AND DRINKING BEERS

AND... STICKING MY GIMP HAND

DOWN GUYS' PANTS.

DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?

FUCK, YEAH.

THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY NEXT QUESTION.

WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

PAIN MANAGEMENT.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS DAY TO BE OVER.

THANK GOD IT'S ONLY ONCE A YEAR.

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

MORE LIKE "HERE'S YOUR BALLOON, KID,

NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME SHOP!"

SO WHO'S THE VICTIM THIS YEAR? SALLY,

THE NEW CASHIER.

SHE'S SWEET. AT LEAST SHE WAS UNTIL TODAY.

TODAY WE DRAIN HER OF HER SOUL, HER DIGNITY.

SALLY JUST CALLED. SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

DID SOMEBODY TELL HER?

NOT ME.

DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

WE NEED SOMEBODY ELSE.

IT'S ALL YOURS, NOVOTNY.

WAIT A MINUTE... STORE POLICY,

THE NEWEST EMPLOYEE GETS THE HONOUR.

BUT MICHAEL'S BEEN HERE FOREVER.

CORRECTION: HE LEFT, THEN HE CAME BACK.

SO ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, YOU'RE IT.

NOW GO GET DRESSED.

FORGET IT!

CAN I HAVE A BALLOON, PLEASE?

BUT I WANTED A RED ONE.

LIFE SUCKS, KID.

LET'S GO, JIMMY.

BETTER YOU KNOW IT NOW THAN BE DISAPPOINTED LATER.

I COULD SWEAR THAT'S MICHAEL. WHERE?

THERE, THE GUY IN THE CLOWN SUIT.

WHAT WOULD HE BE DOING IN A CLOWN SUIT?

HE'S A MANAGER. THEY DON'T MAKE MANAGERS CLOWNS.

OH, SHIT. EXCUSE ME,

COULD WE GET A BALLOON FOR OUR SON?

OH, THANKS, BUT WE ONLY NEED ONE.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR OUR FRIEND MICHAEL NOVOTNY.

HE WORKS HERE.

MICHAEL, IT IS YOU!

HONK, HONK.

OH, MICHAEL, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

DON'T ASK. AND DON'T TELL. ESPECIALLY BRIAN.

THERE HAVE BEEN SOME GREAT CLOWNS.

BOZO, EMMETT KELLY.

WELL, HEY, WHAT ABOUT GUS' BALLOON?

...ENDS, ALWAYS.

HEY, GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING?

WHO'S THAT?

WHO, THE GEEZER? FUCK IF I KNOW.

OKAY, SHEP. WE'RE READY TO BE WOWED.

WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE US SELL OUR BLOOD

AND BUY EASTON HEIGHTS TEA BAGS?

NO PRESSURE, HUH, BRI?

IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING PRESSURE,

I'M NOT DOING MY JOB.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

UH, OF COURSE IT STILL NEEDS SOME REFINING.

I CAN GIVE YOU A POPPY IN THERE LIKE THAT,

AND, UH...

STEMS. WE NEED SOME GREEN STEMS.

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME OF THAT.

THERE YOU GO.

AND, UH, YOU DON'T LIKE THE HEADER, I'LL GIVE YOU A NEW HEADER.

TRY THAT.

THAT'S AMAZING. THANKS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS THING.

OH, STATE OF THE ART. GO AHEAD, TRY IT.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR

WITH THE PEACHTREE SOFTWARE?

IT'S JUST LIKE MY LAST JOB.

WE KEEP OUR RECEIVABLES CURRENT

AND WE HAVE A REVOLVING LINE OF CREDIT AT THE BANK OF PITTSBURGH.

HUH, JUST LIKE MY LAST JOB.

WE PAD OUR CLIENT BILLING.

JUST LIKE MY LAST JOB.

AND WE WALK AROUND

LIKE WE'RE DEAD INSIDE.

JUST LIKE MY LAST JOB.

MR. SCHMIDT? MR. SCHMIDT?

I WILL, UH, GET STARTED ON THIS RIGHT AWAY, MR. WERTSCHAFTER, UH...

FLEISCHAFTER...

MR. UH... FLEI...

FLEISCHACKER, UH...

SIR... SHACKTER.

TED SCHMIDT.

Hey, I just...

CALLED TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING.

OH, IT'S GREAT. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

SO, WHAT'S IT LIKE?

I HAVE A DESK AND A CHAIR AND A COMPUTER.

W-WHAT'S THE COLOUR SCHEME?

Beigey-gray.

OR GRAYISH-BEIGE.

YOU KNOW, TAKE YOUR PICK.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS PERFECT, HONEY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL JUST, UH...

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR MAKING ME BAD AT MATH.

HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK GOOD WITH A LITTLE MAKEUP.

FUCK! THEY TOLD YOU, DIDN'T THEY?

THEY COULDN'T WAIT. TOLD ME WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? GAY PRIDE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GAY PRIDE. HOW'D THEY TURN OUT?

YOU'RE GOING TO HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS,

BUT YOU MAKE ONE BITCHIN' BROAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO WEARING A DRESS.

HERE I AM, KISSING MY BOSS.

THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD.

HONEY, THAT'S WHAT PRIDE IS ALL ABOUT.

LOVE AND FORGIVENESS, I MEAN.

ARE YOU WEARING BLUSH?

THE LOST BOY RETURNS.

FEELING BETTER?

AHH, LOTS.

HOW'S DAPHNE?

UH, SHE AND HER ROOMMATES HAD TO STUDY.

FORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I WENT TO WOODY'S. I LET GUYS BUY ME DRINKS.

THEY ALL WANTED TO FUCK ME.

AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY LOOKS.

I TOLD THEM NO. I'M SAVING THAT FOR YOU.

AREN'T YOU A SWEETHEART?

LET'S GO. COME ON.

LATER.

COME AND SEE WHAT I GOT YOU. WHAT?

A NEW BUTT PLUG? MANACLES?

I KNOW, A VACU-PUMP? BETTER.

I SAW IT TODAY AT WORK. IT'S... I'M NOT INTERESTED.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SURE I DO. IT'S FALSE HOPE.

NO, WATCH. YOU CAN DRAW WITH IT, SEE?

SAME AS A PEN,

OR A PENCIL, OR A PAINTBRUSH.

JUST MUCH EASIER TO CONTROL.

OH, LIKE WITH MY GIMP HAND?

AND THERE'S A MILLION SPECIAL EFFECTS YOU CAN CREATE WITH IT.

STOP BEING A FUCKING PRINCESS AND COME GIVE IT A TRY.

WHAT FOR? TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?

SO THAT YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF

YOU FIXED LITTLE JUSTIN'S PROBLEMS

AND MADE EVERYTHING ALL BETTER?

WELL YOU CAN'T FIX THIS, ALL RIGHT? NO ONE CAN.

SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO QUIT.

HUH. IT'S OVER, ALL RIGHT?

ACCEPT IT. I'M NOT GOING TO DRAW AGAIN.

AND NO FUCKING ELECTRONIC

CRAYOLA BOX IS GOING TO FIX THAT.

SO WHY DON'T YOU COME FUCK ME BEFORE I PASS OUT?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, CAN YOU TELL ME

WHERE I CAN FIND THE RUBBER NOSES?

I HEAR THEY'RE GETTING YOU A BUNNY SUIT

FOR THE EASTER SALE.

DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO,

LIKE YOUR JOBS? WE'RE JUST KIDDING AROUND.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU KID AROUND SOMEWHERE ELSE?

THEY'RE THE CLOWNS.

THEY WERE RIGHT. I WAS RIDICULOUS.

OKAY, NOVOTNY, BETTER GET INTO THIS.

WHAT?

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB YESTERDAY,

I FIGURED YOU SHOULD DO IT AGAIN TODAY.

NO FUCKING WAY! HEY, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, PAL,

THIS IS A FAMILY STORE. NOW GET DRESSED.

SORRY, ANDREW, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

EXCUSE ME? I SAID NO!

IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, I'M THE MANAGER NOW.

I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT,

SINCE YOU'VE MANAGED TO NEVER LET ME FORGET IT.

BUT THE THING YOU CAN'T FORGET

IS THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE THIS JOB

IS BECAUSE I LEFT.

MY ONLY MISTAKE IS I NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK.

I SAID PUT IT ON.

AND I SAID NO.

PUT IT ON.

OR YOU'RE FIRED.

FUCK... YOU.

BYE, TRACE. BYE.

SO LONG, LOVER-BOY.

ATTENTION, BIG Q SHOPPERS,

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR SALE.

FOR ALL YOUR COSMETIC NEEDS,

FROM LIPSTICK TO EYELINER...

YEAH!

WATCH YOUR BACKS, HOT STUFF COMING THROUGH.

NO KIDDIN'. WHOO!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE EAT A DOUGHNUT LIKE THAT BEFORE.

IS IT A SOUTHERN SORT OF THING?

MM, MORE OF A SURVIVAL SORT OF THING.

TRY AND GRAB IT.

OH, GOD!

MISS MANNERS MAY NOT HAVE APPROVED,

BUT WITH SIX HUNGRY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

IT'S HOW I KEPT MY BELLY FULL.

MM, HEY! MORE COFFEE,

JAVA BOY.

OH! CAREFUL. CAREFUL.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GIVE YOUR HAND A REST, HUH, SUNSHINE?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD MIND YOU OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

I SAID MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

YEAH, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.

THEN WHY'D YOU ASK ME TO REPEAT IT?

I WANTED TO BE SURE I HEARD IT CORRECTLY.

AH... LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

JUSTIN!

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SUCKS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU SOME... POLLYANNA SHIT

ABOUT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, OR...

OR... OR THIS WAS GOD'S GIFT TO MAKE Y-YOU STRONG.

'CAUSE IF ANYBODY HAD SAID THAT TO ME, HONEY,

WHEN VIC WAS DYING, I WOULDA PUNCHED 'EM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MOUTH.

ALL YOU CAN DO AT A TIME LIKE THIS

IS JUST HANG ON UNTIL THE SCENERY CHANGES.

SO... WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET ME LEND A HAND

IN POURING THE HOT STUFF, OKAY?

MM-HMM.

AND ONE MORE THING.

THE NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT,

I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW BUTTHOLE SO BIG,

YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO TAKE A CANNON UP YOUR ASS.

BYE. BYE.

SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU NEED A BREAK.

HMM.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT I THINK?

THE COMPOSITION'S GOOD.

THE, UH, TECHNIQUE, USE OF COLOUR, IT'S INTERESTING.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THE SUBJECT MATTER.

A SAD YOUNG MAN.

YEAH, WHO NEEDS TO LOOK AT THAT?

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE GOT A MIRROR.

I LIKE THAT ONE.

IT'S, UM...

IT'S LESS REPRESENTATIONAL. IT'S MORE SPONTANEOUS.

IT'S MORE... ANGRY.

LIKE WHAT YOU'RE FEELING?

THE ARTIST HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN INFLUENCED

BY THE WORK OF THE ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISTS...

DE KOONING. GOTTLIEB.

KLEIN. LINDSAY!

LONG TIME, BABE.

TOO LONG. HEY.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SHOW. THANKS.

HOW'S IT GOING? SOLD THREE ALREADY.

NOT BAD.

A COUPLE MORE, I'M ON MY WAY TO RIO.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND.

THIS IS JUSTIN TAYLOR.

THIS IS ADRIENNE BENNETT.

SHE'S THE ARTIST.

JUSTIN'S AN ARTIST TOO.

HE WAS JUST COMMENTING ON THIS PIECE,

HOW MUCH HE LIKED THE SPONTANEITY, THE ANGER.

I WAS IN A MOOD THAT DAY.

SO WHAT KIND OF STUFF YOU DO?

I DON'T ANY MORE. I GAVE IT UP.

HMM.

CHRIST, IF I COULDN'T WORK, I'D WHEEL MYSELF OFF A CLIFF.

H-HOW DO YOU? I MEAN... WORK?

UH, THE WAY TWO SNAILS FUCK:

VERYSLOWLY.

I GOT THIS CONTRAPTION I CALL THE "ONE-ARM BANDIT".

THEY STRAP IT TO MY GOOD ARM.

THAT'S THE WAY I DIRECT THE BRUSH.

SOUNDS HARD.

SO WHAT'S EASY BESIDES COMPLAINING?

AS IF YOU NEVER DID THAT.

OH, BACK OFF, BITCH. I'LL ROLL OVER YOUR FOOT.

NOW, I'LL ADMIT I WASN'T TOO PLEASED

AFTER DOING A SPIN-OUT ON THE PENN-LINCOLN PARKWAY

TO WAKE UP AND DISCOVER MY TAPDANCING DAYS WERE OVER.

LET ALONE PAINTING. IN FACT, I WAS OFFERING BIG BUCKS

TO ANYONE WHO'D SHOOT ME.

YOU MUST BE FEELING THE SAME WAY.

IT AIN'T THE END OF THE WORLD, KID.

UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE.

NOW, PICK A PAINTING.

HMM?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE.

ADRIENNE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THESE CAME FROM.

I JUST CALLED THE BIG Q.

THEY SAID THAT YOU NO LONGER WORK THERE,

THAT YOU QUIT?

THAT'S RIGHT, MA.

WHY WOULD YOU DO A STUPID THING LIKE THAT?

WELL, UH...

I'M FOLLOWING MY DREAM.

TO BE UNEMPLOYED?

LEAVE HIM ALONE, DEB.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THAT YOU'D BE INVOLVED.

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN HEARING THAT SINCE YOU WERE 14.

IT'S HIS LIFE.

YEAH, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. YOU CAN PAY YOUR BILLS.

WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF?

I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

ON WHAT?

I'M AUCTIONING SOMETHING ON eBAY.

YOUR MOTHER?

DON'T START THE BIDDING TOO HIGH.

MY CAPTAIN ASTRO. VOLUME ONE. ISSUE ONE.

THE ONE I BOUGHT YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

THAT COST A FUCKING MINT. I KNOW.

IF I GET ENOUGH FOR IT, I'M GOING TO BUY BUZZY'S STORE.

YOU'RE BUYING A COMIC BOOK STORE? THAT'S CRAZY.

SO IS STAYING IN A JOB WHERE I'M GOING TO BE MISERABLE

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

WHAT'S THE BID AT?

IT'S STUCK AT $1,000. $1,000?

FUCK, IT'S WORTH MORE THAN THAT. SCOOT OVER.

IF YOU SAID YOU WERE REALLY SORRY,

MAYBE THEY'D GIVE YOU YOUR JOB BACK.

THERE'S ONLY A FEW MINUTES LEFT.

HOW DOES $5,000 SOUND?

YOU'RE BIDDING ON IT YOURSELF?

WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU ALREADY BOUGHT IT ONCE.

THE SECRET TO GETTING SOMEONE TO WANT SOMETHING

IS CONVINCING THEM SOMEONE ELSE WANTS IT MORE.

THAT'LL NEVER WORK. PEOPLE AREN'T THAT STUPID.

$6,000!

THEN AGAIN...

"HANDY".

"SEX MEN".

"...APES".

SO... I WILL BRING...

THE REST BACK TOMORROW. THE REST?

JUST PUT THEM ON MY CHARGE, QUENTIN.

WHICH OF THESE DO YOU RECOMMEND?

YOU THINK I WATCH THIS SHIT?

ASK HIM. HE'S SEEN THEM ALL.

LEMME SEE.

"YOUR ASS-LICKED PARK".

WELL, IT'S AN EXCELLENT RIMMING SCENE

BETWEEN A PALEONTOLOGIST AND A STEGOSAURUS.

"FORREST DUMP". SOME IDIOT GIVES NIXON

A PLATE JOB IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

OH, DEFINITELY THIS ONE.

"ARM 'N HEAD IN". IT'S GOT THE BEST FISTING SCENE

ON AN ASTEROID HEADED TO EARTH EVER FILMED.

WOW. YOU'RE AMAZING.

NO, YOU ARE AMAZING.

ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T CALL KNOWING EVERY BOYBANG FLICK EVER MADE

A SIGNIFICANT CONTRIBUTION TO CULTURAL LITERACY.

AH, HEY, MISSY BIG-WORDS.

I'M NOT ASHAMED OF LOVING PORN.

PORNOGRAPHY HAPPENS TO SERVE AN IMPORTANT

AND PROFOUNDLY HUMANE SERVICE.

OH, THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. TAKE A GUY LIKE ME RENTING A VIDEO, OKAY?

W-WHAT'RE MY CHOICES? A MORONIC COMEDY,

A COP DRAMA STARRING SOME BRAINLESS ACTOR

SHOOTING OFF HIS WIDDLE GUN, OR...

AN EXOTIC FANTASY LAND FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL MEN,

ALL OF WHOM ARE THERE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PLEASING ME.

AH-H. SEE, IT'S MY CHANCE TO BE BRIAN KINNEY.

FUCK ANYONE I WANT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SO YOU GET YOUR ROCKS OFF TO SOME DREAM BOY,

BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, IT'S A DIRTY BUSINESS.

WHAT, MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY?

IT'S A LOT MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR MY JOB.

ALL I DO IS CRUNCH NUMBERS SO SOME ASSHOLE CAN CHEAT UNCLE SAM

OUT OF A FEW EXTRA BUCKS. SEE, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL PORN.

THERE'S NO REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE WHATSOEVER.

I THINK YOU PROVIDE AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SERVICE.

PREPARING YOUR TAXES?

YEAH, GREAT. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME IT MADE YOU COME?

1998. I GOT A BIG REFUND.

I GOTTA GET TO COURT.

YEAH. GO FOR IT.

IT'S STUCK AT 6,000.

ALRIGHTY... 7,000.

CHRIST, BRIAN, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

UH, THERE'S ONLY 30 SECONDS LEFT.

OH, JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH.

HA.
8,000.

OH!

TAKE IT. TAKE IT!

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, MA.

9,000.

OH GOD, NO!

OH, I CAN'T LOOK.

I CAN'T LOOK. NEITHER CAN I.

YOU HAVE YOUR FINGER IN MY EYE.

I'M SORRY, HONEY. OW.

10 SECONDS.

NOBODY'S BIDDING!

LOOK.

10,000.

10,000.

10,000.

10,000!

10,000!

$10,000!

OH, AND TO THINK I USED TO YELL AT YOU

FOR READING THEM!

OH, MY GOD! $10,000!

OH, HONEY! 10,000!

YOUR OWN STORE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO HAS HIS OWN STORE.

FINALLY I CAN GET A FABULOUS DISCOUNT

ON SOMETHING I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO OWN.

WHY COULDN'T YOUR DREAM HAVE BEEN CASHMERE?

MY GRANDFATHER USED TO OWN HIS OWN DRY GOODS STORE...

IN BROOKLYN, AND HE USED TO SAY,

"BETTER TO WORK FOR YOURSELF THAN SOME MESHUGANAH GONIFF."

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,

EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE DID.

WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

'CAUSE YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.

THANKS A LOT.

YOU PUT YOUR FUCKING LIFE UP FOR AUCTION.

I MEAN, WHAT IF IT HADN'T WORKED OUT?

WELL, I GUESS I'D HAVE NO MONEY

AND NO JOB, NO NOTHING.

NOTHING BUT THE BIGGEST BALLS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.

TEDDY!

WHY, THEODORE SCHMIDT!

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE, UH,

GREASING THE OLD POLE. UH, ACTUALLY

I'VE FINALLY COME TO MY SENSES.

SO TO SPEAK, AND, UH, I-I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS

FOR HELPING ME THROUGH ONE OF THE DARKEST

AND MOST DIFFICULT TIMES IN MY LIFE.

OH, BABY. BUT,

I'M FINALLY READY TO BECOME A PRODUCTIVE PART OF SOCIETY AGAIN.

I-I WANT TO GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY,

FEEL A SENSE OF PRIDE,

OF PURPOSE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL, SWEETHEART. AHH!

SO...

I HAVE DECIDED TO QUIT MY NEW JOB...

AND...

START MY OWN PORNO WEB SITE.

WHAT?

WELL, AT LEAST HE'S FOLLOWING HIS DREAM.

HOWEVER WET IT MAY BE.

WHAT?