Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 20 - Episode #2.20 - full transcript

Michael: OH, MY GOD.
VOLUME ONE, ISSUE ONE.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN MY WORK
THIS WAS JUST A STORY IN MY HEAD.
THIS IS SO COOL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MUCH THIS IS GOING TO BE WORTH SOME DAY?
LOOK. STORY BY MICHAEL NOVOTNY.
ART BY JUSTIN TAYLOR.
[ Opening of door ]
HEY, BOYS.
HI.
SO, ARE YOU READY TO SELL YOUR BABY ON THE OPEN MARKET?
I HOPE PEOPLE LIKE IT.
WHY WOULDN'T THEY?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW VICIOUS QUEERS CAN BE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEONE ELSE'S SUCCESS.
BUT THAT'S WHY I'VE INVITED THEM ALL TO A PARTY,
SO THEY'LL FEEL LOVED AND INCLUDED.
HOLY SHIT! BRIAN.
I'VE INVITED MEMBERS OF THE GAY PRESS
AND SET UP SOME INTERVIEWS,
BOUGHT ADVERTISING IN ALL THE FAG RAGS,
TOP QUEER WEB SITES.
IF WE PLAY THIS RIGHT,
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PEDDLE THESE FAST ENOUGH.
AND THEN WE CAN ALL RETIRE TO PALM SPRINGS,
WEAR MUUMUUS AND SIP MIMOSAS.
IN THE MEANTIME, I BETTER GET TO CLASS.
BYE.
SEE YOU TONIGHT?
UH, SURE.
[ Closing of door ]
LOVE YOU. ME TOO.
ALWAYS HAVE,
ALWAYS WILL. [ Chuckling ]
ZEPHYR LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
A-AND J.T. LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN.
AND RAGE IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF BRIAN.
Debbie: HOW COME, UH...
I'M NOT IN HERE. WHAT, SUPERHEROES DON'T HAVE MOTHERS?
WHO WASHES THEIR TIGHTS?
Vic: WHO IRONS THEIR CAPES?
YEAH. BEN, HONEY,
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE RIGATONI. OH, NO, NO,
DEBBIE, REALLY I COULDN'T.
SURE YOU CAN. MA,
WOULD YOU STOP FORCE-FEEDING HIM?
HE'S ONE OF THE FAMILY NOW.
EXCUSE ME. I'M ONE OF THE FAMILY.
YEAH, MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES.
WHAT MICHAEL MEANS IS,
MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES.
YEAH WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO HIT HIM
IN THE HEAD NOW TOO?
INCLUDING... A TWO-WEEK PACKAGE IN THE POCONOS.
HMMM. WE'VE BEEN GOING THERE EVERY SUMMER
FOR TWO WEEKS SINCE I WAS NINE.
YEAH, RIGHT BY THE LAKE.
IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO RELAX.
I COOK.
I SLEEP. I CAMP.
SO WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?
OH, UH, I WOULD LOVE TO.
UH, IF I'M HERE. Michael: HERE?
WH-WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
WELL, I WAS, UH, ACTUALLY THINKING
ABOUT GOING TO... TIBET.
Debbie: HONEY, THAT'S A LONG WAY
TO GO FOR A VACATION.
YEAH, WELL, IT WOULDN'T EXACTLY BE A VACATION.
UM, SEE THERE'S THIS BUDDHIST ACADEMY;
IT'S, UH, NEAR LHASA, THE CAPITAL, THAT ACCEPTS WESTERNERS.
A FRIEND OF MINE JUST GOT BACK FROM STUDYING THERE,
SAID IT WAS THE MOST PROFOUND EXPERIENCE THAT HE'D EVER HAD.
I-IT CHANGED HIS LIFE. YEAH, WELL
NO ELECTRICITY AND NO TOILET PAPER CAN DO THAT.
[ Chuckling ] Michael: SO...
YOU'D BE THERE, LIKE, WHAT?
A COUPLE OF WEEKS OR...
UM... WELL, I-IT'S AN INTENSIVE PROGRAMME.
SO IF I DECIDE TO GO, UM...
MORE LIKE SIX MONTHS.
TIBET? WHAT'S IN TIBET?
NUDE BEACH? CIRCUIT PARTY?
[ Chuckling ]
NUDE BEACH OR A CIRCUIT PARTY.
HE'S SO FUNNY. YOU ARESOFUNNY.
WHAT'D I SAY?
HE WANTS TO GO TO A MONASTERY.
COULD BE HOT.
HE'LL BE GONE FOR SIX MONTHS.
THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE CELIBATE.
WELL, YOU LIVE WITH MONKS,
YOU HAVE TO BE CELIBATE.
NOT HIM. YOU.
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE HE'S TALKING ABOUT IT
DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ACTUALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
YEAH. ONCE HE REALIZES THERE'S NO FUCKING,
NO DANCING, NO GYM,
AND THAT YOU HAVE TO WEAR ORANGE,
WHICH, TRUST ME, NO HUMAN BEING LOOKS GOOD IN,
NO MATTER HOW SPIRITUAL,
HE'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.
EM'S RIGHT. YOU ARESORIGHT.
BESIDES, THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GOING TO LEAVE HIS HONEY.
OKAY. COME ON, LET'S HIT THE SHOWERS.
PUSSY. YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT FOR EXACTLY 10 MINUTES.
WHICH IS THE SAME AS A TWO-HOUR WORKOUT FOR YOU,
MINUS ALL THE TIME YOU SPEND
CRUISING ALL THE GUYS IN THIS PLACE.
COME ON, EM, I'LL HIT 'EM WITH YOU.
Ethan: SO THIS FRIDAY, MMM?
INSTEAD OF GOING CLUB-HOPPING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,
WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE TO THE COUNTRY WITH ME?
WE'LL PARK UNDER THE STARS
AND WE'LL WATCH THE METEOR SHOWER.
HMMM.
I CAN'T.
HE'S GIVING ME A PARTY.
DON'T TELL ME HE FINALLY DECIDED HE BELIEVES
[ Chuckling ]
NO. IT'S... IT'S FOR THE COMIC BOOK.
HE MUST LOVE YOU A LOT.
IN HIS WAY.
BUT NOT IN YOURS.
[ Deep sigh ]
I HAVE TO GO.
MY LATEST CD.
YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVE IT.
AND YOU USED MY DRAWING.
CHECK OUT THE BACK.
"FOR JUSTIN."
OH, HOLD ON.
WHAT? YOUR BACK'S STILL WET.
LET ME DRY YOU OFF.
AH-H, WELL, EM,
YOU'VE REALLY GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO GREAT SHAPE.
YOUR BACK IS AS BROAD AS TEXAS,
YOUR STOMACH AS FLAT AS KANSAS,
AND FLORIDA'S LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.
WELL, LET'S JUST STOP BEFORE WE GET TO THE GRAND CANYON.
[ Chuckling ]
GOD, YOU ARE SO FUNNY.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
PUTTING ON MY SHIRT.
[ Chuckling ]
NO, I MEANT... I MEANT AFTER.
WELL, I THOUGHT I MIGHT TRY WORKING.
SOME OF US FORMER MILLIONAIRES HAVE TO, YOU KNOW.
WELL, I MIGHT STOP BY. TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH.
HONEY, YOU'VE ALREADY TAKEN ME OUT TO LUNCH
AND BREAKFAST, AND DINNER.
TREATING YOU...
IS MY TREAT.
MMMM. HMM.
[ Violin ?????? ]
HEY!
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
YOU, UH, YOU DROPPED $100 IN MY CASE.
IT SAYS YOU'RE STARVING.
YEAH, WELL I'M MORE LIKE A LITTLE HUNGRY.
YOU ARE A STUDENT?
YOU WANT TO SEE MY I.D.?
YOU'RE GOOD. I KNOW.
SO WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME STANDING
PLAYING FOR NICKELS AND DIMES?
WELL, DO I LOOK LIKE 'NSYNC?
I'M NOT EXACTLY GOING TO BE SELLING OUT MELLON ARENA.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO MAKE MONEY.
COUPLE THOUSAND, AT LEAST.
DOING WHAT?
I'M FREEZING. I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME COFFEE.
"RAGE" IS NOW REQUIRED READING FOR PROFESSOR BRUCKNER'S CLASS.
I GUESS IT PAYS TO BE THE TEACH- ER'S BOYFRIEND.
THAT IS NOT WHY.
IT REFLECTS THE SUBJECT OF THE COURSE
A SURVEY OF GAY AESTHETICS
IN POST-MODERN AMERICAN ART AND LITERATURE.
WOW, SAY THAT 10 TIMES FAST WHILE HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
AND BECAUSE IT'S GOOD.
YOU MEAN IT? MM-HMM.
IT MAY LOOK LIKE A COMIC BOOK,
BUT IT SAYS SOME- THING IMPORTANT ABOUT GAY PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP,
OF LOYALTY, COURAGE.
AND YOUR CHARAC- TERS, THEY AREN'T JUST CARTOONS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE REAL. I CARE ABOUT THEM.
EVEN RAGE. HUH.
WELL, THAT IS AN ACHIEVEMENT. UH-HUH.
YOU ARE AN HONEST-TO-GOD WRITER, MICHAEL.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU TOO.
FOR WHAT?
WELL, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU,
I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SERIOUSLY ABOUT
BUT WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL,
YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO FOCUS ON SOME- THING POSITIVE.
YEAH, I MEANT SEX OR CHOCOLATE CAKE.
HERE.
THIS CAME TODAY.
IT'S AN E-MAIL I GOT THIS MORNING
FROM THE MONASTERY IN SAMYE.
THEY INVITED ME TO COME STUDY WITH THEM.
BUT I-I WANT YOU TO KNOW,
THERE'S NO WAY THAT I WOULD GO WITHOUT YOUR BLESSING
[ Store ?????? ]
UH, TED, HONEY? YEAH?
DON'T YOU NEED TO GET TO THE WAREHOUSE?
I MEAN, ISN'T THERE A... JISM JAMBOREE
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT ON THE WEB SITE THIS AFTERNOON?
YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY MISS YOUR BEING THERE.
WELL... YOU'VE GOT LOTS OF OTHER JERKERS NOW.
THEY'RE NOT YOU.
MY PAL.
GOOD BUDDY.
LOVING FRIEND.
[ Opening/closing of door ]
Melanie & Lindsay: HEY, GUYS.
Emmett: OH!
LOOK WHO IT IS.
I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU GUYS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GALS DOING CRUISING THE
OH, EMMETT TOLD US
ABOUT THE NEW DISCO BABY BOUTIQUE.
THOUGHT WE'D COME CHECK IT OUT.
YEAH, YEAH,
WITH ALL THE GAY PARENTS THESE DAYS,
WE'VE INTRODUCED A WHOLE NEW LINE
OF, UH, BABY CLOTHES, ACCESSORIES.
THAT'S SO CUTE.
WE'VE GOT TONNES MORE.
HERE, COME ON, I'LL, UH...
I'LL SHOW YOU. [ Chuckling ]
TAKE HIM TO THE MOVIES, TAKE HIM TO LUNCH, JUST TAKE HIM.
WHO? TEDDY.
HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY, WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. HE...
FOLLOWS ME EVERY- WHERE, HE LAUGHS AT EVERYTHING I SAY.
HE KEEPS LOOKING AT ME IN THIS WEIRD KIND OF...
PUPPY-DOG KIND OF WAY.
REALLY? YOU DON'T SAY?
AW-W-W.
SO, TEDDY, YOU SEEING ANYONE?
ME? NAW.
MICHAEL TOLD ME HE SAW EMMETT LAST NIGHT
WITH THIS REALLY HOT GUY.
WHAT? WHO?
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
WHO SAID I'M UPSET?
[ Sigh ]
IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?
'FRAID SO, KIDDO.
WE KNEW AS SOON AS WE SAW YOUR FACE.
I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.
ONE MINUTE I'M LOOKING AT HIM
AND HE'S THE SAME OLD EMMETT I SEE EVERY DAY.
THE NEXT MINUTE I'M LOOKING AT HIM AND...
HE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'SMESHUGANA,HUH?
AH... NOT THAT MESHUGANA.
IT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MEL AND ME.
ONE DAY, WE'RE FRIENDS, AND...
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOVERS.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE LESBIANS, SO...
AH! OOH!
FRIENDS TURN INTO LOVERS ALL THE TIME.
EVEN FAGS.
[ Chuckling ]
SO GO FOR IT.
TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
YOU MIGHT JUST AWAKEN THE SAME FEELINGS IN HIM.
COMMERCIALS. YEAH, WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT ONE NOW.
THIS COUPLE OUT ON A DATE.
CHARMING FRENCH RESTAURANT, DINNER FOR TWO.
BUT INSTEAD OF ORDERING CHAMPAGNE,
THEY ORDER STEELTOWN BEER.
SO, WHAT... WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
YOU'RE THE STROLLING VIOLINIST.
YOU'RE PLAYING SOMETHING RIDICU- LOUSLY ROMANTIC,
LIKE PAGANINI'S "CANTABILE" IN D MAJOR. OPUS 17.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, THAT'S ON MY CD.
NO SHIT.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVOURITES. HUH.
I SHOULD GIVE YOU MY CARD.
MY NAME'S BRIAN.
BRIAN KINNEY.
AND...
YOU ARE?
ETHAN. GOLD.
Justin: BRIAN.
BRIAN, I THOUGHT YOU'D BE AT WORK.
WE'RE JUST HAVING A BUSINESS MEETING.
JUSTIN, THIS IS ETHAN. ETHAN,
JUSTIN.
[ Mixed chatter ]
I GOTTA GET TO CLASS.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,
THE JOB'S YOURS.
[ Sighing ]
Emmett: $15 FOR THE HOUSE SALAD?
HOPE THEY THROW IN A POOL AND A TENNIS COURT.
[ Chuckling ]
DON'T LOOK AT THE PRICES, JUST ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'LL HAVE HIM, TO GO.
JUST... JUST YOUR TYPE?
ISN'T HE YOURS?
NOT REALLY.
YOU DRINK ANY MORE WATER, YOU'LL DROWN.
I'M THIRSTY.
YOU KNOW, TEDDY, YOU'VE BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD LATELY.
WEIRD, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WEIRD?
WELL, I-IT'S SORT OF LIKE,
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY,
BUT YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO?
DON'T WE SHARE EVERYTHING?
NOT YET.
EMMETT... I...
[ Clearing of throat ] THANKS.
[ Clearing of throat ]
BOY, AM I THIRSTY.
[ Cough ]
AS YOU KNOW, I...
NEVER BEEN VERY LUCKY IN THE LOVE DEPARTMENT.
I KNOW. YEAH,
ALWAYS CHASING AFTER THE WRONG BOY.
ONE REJECTION AFTER ANOTHER.
POOR BABY.
I'D PRACTICALLY GIVEN UP HOPE OF EVER FINDING HIM.
YOU KNOW, SAID "FUCK YOU" TO LOVE.
THEN, THE OTHER NIGHT...
HUH...
THERE HE WAS.
OH, TEDDY!
YEAH, IT WAS JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
YOU KNOW, LOVE COMES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.
HUH.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO...
STARRY-EYED AND VAGUELY DISCON- TENTED LATELY.
WELL DON'T JUST SIT THERE STARING AT YOUR PATE.
TELL ME.
WHO IS IT?
WHO? YOU.
YOU, WHO?
YOUYOU.
MEYOU?
YES,YOUYOU.
YOU'RE THE ONE...
WHO KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYONE,
AND STILL HASN'T RUN AWAY.
WHO TELLS ME I'M ADORABLE WHEN I LOOK LIKE SHIT.
WHO, WITH HIS LITTLE FINGER,
CAN LIFT MY SPIRITS EVEN WHEN THEY WEIGH 300 POUNDS.
I LOVE YOU, EMMETT HONEYCUTT.
I...
BRIAN?
[ Clicks of typing ]
I'M SORRY.
WHAT FOR? YOU KNOW WHAT FOR.
I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
I KNOW...
YOU'RE THE POOR, HAPLESS VICTIM OF A LOVE BASHING.
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
AND TAKEN ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT?
[ Sniff ] SO, HOW BIG'S HIS DICK?
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. SINCE WHEN?
YOU LOVE COCK.
YOU LOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT,
YOU LOVE IT UP YOUR ASS,
YOU LOVE RIDING IT.
AND AFTER YOU COME,
[ Whispering ] YOU LOVE TO FALL ASLEEP
WITH IT STILL INSIDE YOU.
CUT IT OUT.
YOU'RE HARD, SO DON'T TELL ME IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS.
FLOWERS? PICNICS?
VIOLIN MUSIC?
HE LOVES ME.
YOUR DREAMY-EYED SCHOOLBOY.
IN WAYS THAT YOU CAN'T.
IN WAYS THAT I WON'T.
HE TOLD ME THAT I'M ALL HE WANTS.
THEY'RE STILL USING THAT ONE?
IT'S MORE THAN YOU'VE EVER SAID.
AND IT'S MORE THAN I EVER WILL. SO, UH...
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?
WOULD YOU CARE IF I WASN'T?
IT'S YOUR CALL, WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.
YOU DECIDE.
BABYLON 9:00 O'CLOCK.
OKAY, GUYS? THANK YOU.
FRIDAY NIGHT, 9:00 O'CLOCK,
"RAGE" AT BABYLON. COOL. THANK YOU.
HI, GUYS. HERE. 9:00 O'CLOCK, BE THERE. OKAY?
BABYLON, "RAGE".
[ Chuckling ] YOU SHOULD BE HIS AGENT.
WHO NEEDS AN AGENT WHEN YOU GOT A MOTHER?
[ Chuckling ] MMMM.
UH-OH. WHAT'S WITH THAT LONG FACE?
BEN'S SERIOUS ABOUT GOING TO TIBET.
AND HE'S OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND.
IT MUST BE COSMIC DESTINY.
EVERY TIME I FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, HE LEAVES TOWN.
THIS ONE'S EVEN LEAVING THE COUNTRY.
WELL, HE CAN'T GO.
WHY NOT? WELL FOR ONE THING,
NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHERE IN THE FUCK TIBET IS.
AND FOR ANOTHER THING, I-IT'S DANGEROUS.
WHAT IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN?
I MEAN, WHAT IF,
GOD FORBID... HE GOT SICK,
AND THE NEAREST HOSPITAL'S HUNDREDS,
THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY?
JESUS, WOULD YOU STOP SCARING ME?
WELL, I'M SCARING MYSELF.
SOMEBODY SHOULD TALK SOME SENSE
INTO THAT BOY.
Vic: YOU ASK ME, HE'S MAKING
REMEMBER CHRISTMAS EVE, THREE YEARS AGO?
I WAS LYING THERE IN THAT HOSPITAL BED,
ATTACHED TO EVERY GODDAMN TUBE KNOWN TO MAN.
THEY WERE SURE I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO MAKE
BUT YOU SURPRISED THEM. AND SOON AS
I BOUGHT TWO TICKETS TO ITALY.
ONE FOR YOU AND ONE FOR ME.
I WAS GOING TO GET TO CAPRI,
EVEN IF THEY HAD TO SHIP ME HOME FEDERAL EXPRESS.
MAYBE BEN FEELS THE SAME WAY.
BEN'S NOT DYING. NO.
THE ONE THING THIS FUCKING DISEASE TEACHES YOU IS...
THERE ISN'T AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF TOMORROWS.
SO DO IT NOW.
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
YOUR BOYFRIEND'S AN ASSHOLE.
HE'S NOT AN ASSHOLE.
HE'S... HE'S HONEST.
IF ANYONE'S AN ASSHOLE, I AM, FOR LYING.
HOW DID HE FIND OUT? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DIDN'T ASK HIM? HE'D NEVER
WELL YOU CAN TELL HIM, FROM ME,
THAT HE CAN KEEP HIS FUCKING DONATION TO THE ARTS.
WAIT, HE CAN AFFORD TO GIVE IT AWAY. YOU CAN'T.
AT LEAST NOW, I KNOW WHY YOU'RE WITH HIM.
GOD, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
MUST BE GREAT IN BED.
YEAH, HE IS.
BUT IT... IT'S WHEN WE'RE NOT IN BED THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
I'M NOT THE ANSWER.
I HAVE MYSELF TO THINK ABOUT.
THE HEIFETZ COMPETITION IS COMING UP.
$25,000 FIRST PRIZE, TOURING DATES,
POSSIBLE RECORDING CONTRACT.
I CAN'T BE WASTING MY TIME THINKING ABOUT YOU.
WISHING THAT YOU WERE HERE.
HOPING THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE THE NIGHT THAT YOU FINALLY STAY.
I WANT TO STAY.
WELL, YOU CAN'T.
YOU CAN'T.
SO JUST GO BACK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND.
AND I'LL GO BACK TO MY VIOLIN.
ETHAN. ETHAN!
ETHAN!
[ ?????? ]
[ Sighing ]
HE SAID HE LOVES YOU?
MM-HM.
AND THAT WE SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER BEING MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS.
PASS THE CHIPS.
THAT WE SHOULD BE LOVERS.
I THOUGHT YOU ATE.
WHO COULD EAT AFTER THAT?
SO WHAT DID YOU SAY?
"EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM."
SURE.
NO, I MEAN TO HIM.
I WAS DRINKING A LOT OF WATER.
JESUS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
WELL...
FIRST YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IF...
YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HIM.
WELL, SURE I HAVE F-FEELINGS FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW, WARM FEELINGS.
FUZZY... FEELINGS,
LIKE I HAVE FOR YOU.
A-AND MEL, AND LINZ. EVEN BRIAN...
SOMETIMES.
BUT NOT... THOSE KIND OF FEELINGS.
WELL THEN, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BITE THE BULLET
[ Opening/closing of door ]
Ben: HELLO.
Michael: HEY. OH.
HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I MAKE ONE OF THOSE?
I DIDN'T GET ANY DINNER.
IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU EAT. YEAH.
OH, UH, I WAS TALKING TO MY NEIGHBOUR
AND SHE SAID SHE KNOWS A VISITING PROFESSOR
WHO MIGHT WANT TO SUBLET MY PLACE.
GREAT.
[ Running of water ]
HONEY,
IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO GO,
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BITE THE BULLET,
AND TELL HIM.
HMMMM.
AHH.
BEN?
WHAT IS IT, BABY?
TIBET'S AWFULLY FAR AWAY.
WHAT IF SOME- THING HAPPENS?
ARE THERE DOCTORS, ARE THERE HOSPITALS?
YEAH, YEAH.
UH...
I'VE BEEN CHECKING IT OUT, AND...
YOU WOULD BE AMAZED, IN THE PAST FEW YEARS,
HOW MODERNIZED IT'S BECOME.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY?
YOU KNOW, LIKE LAST TIME.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR.
IT'S NOT FEAR, IT'S... IT'S BEING PRACTICAL.
SIX MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.
SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO?
LOOK, I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS TRIP IS TO YOU, BUT...
NO. NO...
YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN.
I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULDN'T GO
UNLESS YOU WERE OKAY WITH IT, AND I MEANT THAT.
[ Sighing ]
NO.
NO, THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
THIS IS ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED.
SO GO.
WITH MY BLESSING AND APPROVAL.
[ Singing opera ?????? ]
[ Humming ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Knocking on door ]
[ Humming ]
[ ?????? ]
EM. HI.
HOPE IT'S NOT TOO EARLY.
OH NO, I'M JUST, UH...
GIVING THE PLANTS A LITTLE H2O AND A BIT OF BELLINI.
IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH THEY THRIVE TOBEL CANTO.
WELL, I-I... I HAD TO TALK TO YOU.
I COULDN'T REALLY WAIT, SO... OH, COME IN,
UH, CAN I GET YOU SOME BREAKFAST?
UH, NO, TEDDY. THANKS.
UH, MIND IF I SIT DOWN? OH, NO.
PLEASE, UH...
BE MY GUEST.
[ Patting of cushion ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT, UH, THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, JUST LET ME SAY,
I KNOW, IT MUST'VE COME AS A COMPLETE SHOCK.
BUT IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
WE HATE THE SAME MOVIES, LAUGH AT THE SAME PEOPLE.
WE HAVE A REALSIMPATICO, YOU KNOW?
AND IT SEEMED ONLY NATURAL TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP.
[ Clearing of throat ]
[ Sniffing ] OKAY, NOW YOU.
TEDDY, I, UH, AM TRULY... TOUCHED.
UH, YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY OVERWHELMED...
BY, UH, BY YOUR FEELINGS. UM...
AND, UH, SO, SO FLATTERED.
BUT YOU SEE, I...
GOD, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS. UH...
IT'S OKAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
I KNOW... I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
YOU LOVE ME TO DEATH, BUT YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
SO WE SHOULD... KEEP THINGS AS THEY ARE.
JUST STAY FRIENDS, RIGHT?
[ Slapping of knee ]
HEY, SEE? WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON,
WE CAN EVEN READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS.
HMM.
WELL.
IT WAS JUST A THOUGHT.
YOU KNOW, A SUGGESTION.
THAT'S ALL.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO, UH... I'VE GOT
OR I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK.
D-DO YOU MIND LETTING YOURSELF OUT?
[ Closing of door ]
WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU "RAGE". COOL.
YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
WE HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH "PITTSBURGH OUT",
COULDN'T YOU HAVE DRESSED UP A LITTLE?
I'M AN ARTIST, NOT A BUSINESSMAN.
I DON'T NEED TO WEAR A SUIT AND TIE
TO IMPRESS ANYONE.
THIS IS FOR BRIAN. HE...
HE WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR US.
IT'S NOT FOR US, IT'S FOR HIM.
BRIAN CALLS ALL THE SHOTS.
BRIAN CONTROLS THE SHOW. INCLUDING US.
IF YOU ASK ME, HE'S BEEN PRETTY GOOD TO YOU.
I MEAN, HE SAVED YOUR LIFE,
TOOK YOU IN, HE'S PUTTING YOU THROUGH SCHOOL,
HE PROTECTS YOU, LOOKS AFTER YOU, YOU KNOW,
AND WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE LOVES YOU,
MORE THAN HE'S EVER LOVED ANYONE.
HE DOESN'T LOVE ME.
HE FUCKS ME.
WELL THEN, WHY DON'T YOU FIND SOMEBODY ELSE?
MAYBE YOU ALREADY HAVE.
HE TOLD YOU?
HE NEVER SAID A WORD.
I TOLD HIM.
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
I SAW THE TWO OF YOU KISSING ON THE STREET.
YOU ASSHOLE. DON'T CALL ME AN ASSHOLE,
YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PRICK.
AND WHY DON'T MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
BRIAN IS MY BUSINESS. HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
FUCK YOU, MICHAEL.
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU.
HI.
HI, I'M TOM DONAHUE
WITH "PITTSBURGH OUT".
I'M DOING THE ARTICLE ABOUT "RAGE".
WHO'S MICHAEL AND WHO'S JUSTIN?
HE'S MICHAEL. I'M GONE.
[ Slamming of door ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
THERE YOU GO, HONEY. WHAT YOU READING?
UH, IT'S A BOOK ABOUT TANTRIC BUDDHISM.
I KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.
HELPS EXTENDS YOUR ORGASMS.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH, IT DOES,
UH, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
I FIND DANIELLE STEELE DOES IT FOR ME. HUH!
WELL, UH, LISTEN, I'D BETTER GET OVER TO THE
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
Debbie: BEN!
HONEY.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
THEY'RE LEMON BARS IN CASE YOU GET HUNGRY LATER.
THANK YOU.
I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF MY BOYS. [ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET THESE KIND OF HOMEMADE TREATS
WHERE YOU'RE GOING. NO.
NO, I WILL... I'LL MISS THEM.
I BET YOU'RE GONNA MISS A LOT OF THINGS.
BEN, SIX MONTHS IS A LONG TIME TO...
ASK SOMEBODY TO WAIT. I MEAN...
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
WE TALKED ABOUT IT AND, UH...
HE'LL BE FINE.
YOU KNOW, IN FACT, IN SOME WAYS, HE...
MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER OFF.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW...
NOT HAVING ME AROUND TO WORRY ABOUT.
UH-HUH.
SO YOU'RE DOING HIM A FAVOUR.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
SOME KIND OF NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE?
LOOK, DEBBIE, YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE HE... HE...
WOULD HAVE AN EASIER RIDE.
WHO SAYS LOVE'S AN EASY RIDE?
MICHAEL'S USED TO BUMPS.
HE GREW UP WITH ME.
SO, I-IF YOU THINK YOU'RE...
DOING HIM A FAVOUR BY... LEAVING...
THERE'S NO NEED. MY SON'S STRONG.
HE'S STRONG ENOUGH TO SEE ANYTHING THROUGH.
THE QUESTION IS, ARE YOU?
[ ?????? ]
A RAGE-TINI FOR YOU... [ Chuckle ]
AND A ZEPHYR-POLITAN FOR ME.
ALL RIGHT.
ISN'T THAT ADORABLE? LEAVE IT
GOTTA HAND IT TO HIM.
WHEN IT COMES TO THROWING PARTIES,
HE'S ALMOST IN THE SAME LEAGUE AS ME.
[ Chuckles ]
WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO MAKE SOME CLEVERBON MOT
ABOUT MY PARTIES?
I'LL GET A RAGE-TINI.
THIS IS SO COOL.
YOU'RE A STAR.
RIGHT.
Debbie: DAMN RIGHT IT'S RIGHT.
ARE OUR KIDS
FUCKING UNBELIEV- ABLE OR WHAT?
Jennifer: THEY ABSO- FUCKING-
[ Chuckles ]
BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU LEARNED TO RIDE YOUR TWO-WHEELER.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING,
NOTHING CAN STOP YOU.
YOU!
WOW.
[ Wailing of siren ]
[ Wild cheers ]
[ ?????? ]
WELCOME TO GAYOPOLIS.
HOME OF THAT FABULOUS SUPERHERO, RAGE.
WHAT, YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF RAGE?
WELL, YOU WILL AFTER TONIGHT.
WITH POWERS OF MIND GREATER THAN ANY KNOWN TO MAN,
HE CAN BEND ANYONE'S WILL TO HIS,
ROUT THE FORCES OF INTOLERANCE AND INJUSTICE,
AND STILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FUCK 100 GUYS.
[ Cheering ]
I WROTE THAT COPY.
NO SHIT.
UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE A TWINK'S IN TROUBLE.
Actors: COME HERE, YOU QUEER. COCKSUCKER!
[ ?????? ]
[ Yelp of fear ]
[ Groan of pain ]
Actors: [ Jeering ]
[ Grunts of struggle ]
[ ?????? ]
SOMEBODY HELP ME!
BUT SOMEWHERE IN GAYOPOLIS, HIS CRIES ARE HEARD.
IT'S RAGE AND ZEPHYR!
[ Wild cheers ]
[ ?????? ]
RAGE ENTRAPS J.T.'S BASHERS IN A MIND DISTORTION FIELD.
THEY PERCEIVE EACH OTHER AS FAGS,
AND BEAT THEM- SELVES TO DEATH!
[ Cheering/whistling ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Rolling of thunder ]
Emcee: RAGE REVIVES J.T.
USING HIS OTHER SUPERPOWER...
[ Wild cheers ]
[ ?????? ]
AND JUSTICE PREVAILS IN GAYOPOLIS.
EVERYBODY, PARTY!
[ ?????? ]
WELL, DON'T THANK ME ALL AT ONCE.
I THINK I'M GOING TO GET A DRINK.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
WE'RE NOT SPEAKING.
CREATIVE DIFFERENCES.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.
HE THINKS I'M AN ASSHOLE, AND I THINK HE'S ONE.
WELL, I JUST SPENT A FUCKING FORTUNE ON THIS, SO, UH...
SORT IT OUT. AFTER WHAT HE TOLD YOU?
HE WAS JUST LOOKING AFTER ME.
LIKE ZEPHYR LOOKS AFTER RAGE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT YOUR COMIC BOOK TO BE A SUCCESS,
YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS ASIDE.
AND DON'T PISS ON YOUR ACHIEVEMENT.
[ ?????? ]
I THINK I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE, UH, PRETTY PURPLE ONES.
THERE'S MICHAEL. I SHOULD GO, UH,
CONGRATULATE HIM. HEY.
WOULD YOU STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME, PLEASE?
WHO'S RUNNING? YOU ARE.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE NOT.
WE CAN READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS, REMEMBER?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED.
VERY PERCEPTIVE.
WELL, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
TEDDY, YOU ARE NOT A FOOL.
IT TAKES A LOT OF COURAGE TO... TO...
SPEAK WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
MORE COURAGE THAN SAVING THE WORLD FROM ARCH-VILLAINS.
THAT'S ME. PATHETIC-MAN.
YOU'RE NOT PATHETIC.
YOU'RE FUNNY, AND... AND WITTY.
YOU'RE BRILLIANT. SPARE ME THE FLATTERY.
IT'S TRUE.
TH-THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SEXY,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO, SO SMART.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE...
THE BRAIN IS THE... SECOND SEXIEST ORGAN.
WHICH IS NOT TO SAY THAT THE REST OF YOU IS NOT HOT.
I MEAN... HI! FEEL THOSE PECS.
THEY'RE HARD AS A ROCK.
AND, UM, HELLO! HELLO, TED,
THAT'S A NICE LITTLE SIX-PACK YOU'VE GOT
IT'S MORE OF A FOUR- PACK, REALLY.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
AND THOSE...
THOSE BIG PUPPY- DOG EYES...
YOU COULD JUST DIVE RIGHT IN.
AND...
AND YOUR LIPS ARE...
THEY'RE SO, UM...
SO...
[ ?????? ]
JESUS, WHAT THE HELL DID THEY PUT IN THOSE DRINKS?
BARTENDER, TWO MORE!
[ ?????? ]
THERE YOU ARE!
Lindsay: HAVING FUN?
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW, BRIAN'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
HE IS? WELL, OF COURSE!
IT'S YOUR BIG NIGHT, SWEETIE.
HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU.
[ ?????? ]
I BET TIBET'S GOING TO SEEM QUIET AFTER THIS.
YEAH, NO DANCING,
NO DRINKING, NO DRUGS.
GET IT WHILE YOU CAN.
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO COME
I APPRECIATE THE SELFLESS SACRIFICE.
I'LL BE SITTING AT HOME, KNITTING,
[ Laughing ] WAITING FOR YOUR RETURN...
I DON'T WANT YOU NOT TO HAVE FUN. DON'T WORRY, I...
I INTEND TO HAVE PLENTY OF FUN.
ALTHOUGH, PHONE SEX TO TIBET WILL BE EXPENSIVE.
I'M AFRAID THERE WON'T BE MUCH OF THAT, MICHAEL.
'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE CELIBATE.
'CAUSE I'M NOT GOING.
BUT IT'S ALL YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT,
IT'S ALL YOU'VE TALKED ABOUT.
AND YOU WERE WILLING TO LET ME GO.
YOU SAID IT WAS WHAT YOU NEEDED.
I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I NEED.
BABY, I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO TIBET TO FIND IT.
[ ?????? ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Moan ]
[ ?????? ]
?? IF YOU EVER GET CLOSE TO A HUMAN ??
?? AND HUMAN BEHAVIOUR ??
?? BE READY, BE READY TO GET CONFUSED ??
[ ?????? ]
?? THERE'S DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY... ??
Man: CONGRATULA- TIONS, JUSTIN!
?? ...TO HUMAN BEHAVIOUR ??
?? BUT YET, BUT YET SO IRRESISTIBLE ??
[ ?????? ]
?? AND THERE IS NO MAP... ??
I WAS PRACTICING THE BEETHOVEN.
IT SOUNDED LIKE SHIT, AND I REALIZED,
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
MY FAULT?
I TRIED TO FORGET ABOUT YOU, BUT I CAN'T.
YOU'RE ALL I THINK ABOUT.
[ ?????? ]
?? THEY'RE TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY MOODY ??
?? OH, HUMAN BEHAVIOUR ??
?? THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN TURN HAPPY ??
[ ?????? ]
?? BUT, OH, TO GET INVOLVED IN THE EXCHANGE ??
?? OF HUMAN EMOTIONS ??
?? IS EVER SO, EVER SO SATISFYING ??
[ ?????? ]
?? OH, AND THERE IS NO MAP ??
[ ?????? ]
?? THERE'S DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY ??
?? NO LOGIC ??
?? TO HUMAN ??
?? TO HUMAN ??
?? TO HUMAN... ??
[ ?????? ]
?? HUMAN BEHAVIOUR HUMAN BEHAVIOUR ??
?? HUMAN BEHAVIOUR HUMAN BEHAVIOUR... ??
[ ?????? ]
MOO!
?? HUMAN BEHAVIOUR ??