Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 19 - Episode #2.19 - full transcript

EDDIE, YOU WANT TO PASS THESE OUT

TO THE GUYS THERE? SURE. THANKS.

THAT'S IT, PRISON CELL. REALLY GIVE IT TO HIM.

REMEMBER, HE'S IN FOR 10 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

UH, GUYS IN THE ELEVATOR?

YEAH, DON'T LET OUR MEMBERS DOWN. KEEP IT UP.

MICHAEL, DON'T CROSS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.

TH-THANKS.

MEN ON THE ORAL REEF? SPLASH DOWN.

EASY, MERMAN, EASY.

KEEP IT LIQUID.



THAT'S IT.

MIND IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION, TED?

SHOOT. OH YEAH!

SORRY, TED. YOU.

HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE WITH ALL THESE...

HOT, HORNY GUYS SURROUNDING YOU?

YEAH, IF IT WERE ME,

I'D HAVE A PERMANENT BONER.

THOUGHT YOU ALREADY DID.

HOT AND HORNY ACTIONISMY WORK.

AHH... IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.

I CAN GUESS WHAT KIND OF DREAM.

WHOEVER THOUGHT THAT YOU, THEODORE SCHMIDT,

LOSER, REJECT, PUTZ,



WOULD WIND UP BEING THE LUCKIEST FUCKER IN THE WORLD?

DO I DETECT A NOTE OF ENVY? BRI?

I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

I HAVE A NEW ACCOUNT.

BABY WIPES.

YEAH, I GOT... EUW.

COMIC BOOKS I GOTTA UNPACK

AND FILE AND DISPLAY

AND THEN PACK AND FILE AND DISPLAY...

MR. SCHMIDT. WELL, AS FOR ME...

THERE YOU ARE. THANK YOU, EDDIE.

I'VE GOT, UH, LET'S SEE.

"RIM-O-RAMA" FROM 2:00
TO 5:00,

I'VE GOT "DILDO DAZE",

SPELLED D-A-Z-E.

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

FROM 6:00 T. 9:00...

THANKS FOR NOT RUBBING OUR NOSES IN IT.

AW, YOU'RE WELCOME.

AH, I'D ASK YOU BOYS TO STAY,

BUT I KNOW YOU NEED TO TODDLE ON BACK

TO YOUR LACKLUSTRE LITTLE LIVES.

TRY NOT TO WORK TOO HARD.

FUCKER.

AHH.

YOU KNOW YOU MAKE LOVE LIKE YOU PLAY YOUR VIOLIN?

WITH AN ACCOMPANIST IN FRONT OF A CHEERING AUDIENCE?

ON THE STREET CORNER FOR CASH?

LIKE YOU'RE IN A TRANCE.

WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.

AND YOU'RE MY INSTRUMENT. HMM.

FIRST I TUNE YOU...

AND THEN I STROKE YOU WITH MY BOW...

AND THEN I MAKE BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS POUR OUT OF YOU.

I HAVE TO GO.

YOU HAVE BIG PLANS TONIGHT? OH YEAH.

A DATE WITH COPY-BOY.

I'M RUNNING OFF POSTERS FOR MY COMIC BOOK.

HUH, THAT'S AWESOME.

WE'RE GOING TO PLASTER LIBERTY AVENUE, TRY TO SELL SOME OF IT.

WELL MAYBE WE COULD WORK TOGETHER.

I FIDDLE, YOU PEDDLE.

STARVING ARTISTS INC.

THAT'S US.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU STAYED SOMETIME...

WE COULD WAKE UP TOGETHER,

WATCH THE SUN RISE.

MAKES EVERYTHING RED AND GOLD.

YES!

YOU ARE SO GOOD.

HEY, HOW COME WHEN I GOT A STRIKE,

I DIDN'T GET ONE OF THOSE?

HEY, DONNA. HOW COME WHEN HORVATH GOT A STRIKE,

HE DIDN'T GET ONE OF THOSE?

COME HERE.

OH, I'M UP.

LET'S GO, DEB.

LOVE YOUR BALLS.

THANKS.

OH, MY GOD! YOU DID IT!

FANTASTIC!

LET'S SEE.

YES! ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAR IT FOR ME!

OH, I'M SO...

OUR LADY OF THE LANES.

EXCUSE ME.

BUT THERE HAPPEN TO BE A LOT

OF REALLY GREAT GAY BOWLERS.

NAME ONE.

I'LL NAME MORE THAN ONE.

WE HAVE OUR OWN GAY BOWLING TEAM

RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH...

THE LIBERTY BALLS.

AND THEY CAN KNOCK THE FUCKING PINS

OUT FROM UNDER YOU.

HEY, BRING 'EM ON.

COULD WE GET BACK TO OUR GAME, PLEASE?

ANY TIME, ANYWHERE.

HOW ABOUT... HERE, FRIDAY NIGHT?

COPS AGAINST THE QUEERS.

AH, FORGET IT, IT'S A BAD IDEA.

'FRAID THEY'RE GONNA KICK YOUR ASS?

TRUST ME,

WON'T BE ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS.

COME ON. WHO'S NEXT?

HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN AFRAID

THAT IT WOULD NEVER BE LIKE THIS AGAIN?

LEDA WAS RIGHT.

ALL WE NEEDED WAS A JUMP-START.

SHE JUMPED US ALL RIGHT.

I'M GLAD WHAT HAPPENED, HAPPENED.

YOU ARE?

IT MADE ME REALIZE...

THAT DESPITE OUR UPS AND DOWNS,

AND THE OCCASIONAL DRY SPELL,

YOU'RE STILL THE ONLY ONE I EVER WANT TO BE WITH.

OH, MEL.

HEY, GIRLS.

LEDA?

HI.

I HEARD THE FLOORBOARDS

SQUEAKING OVERHEAD AND...

OUR NEXT RENOVATION.

AND I FIGURED,

SINCE YOUR UP,

WHY DON'T WE HAVE A LITTLE SLUMBER PARTY?

JUST US GIRLS.

OH, GOSH... THERE'S GUS.

I-I... I-I BETTER GO SEE WHAT'S WRONG.

THANKS FOR A GOOD DAY'S JERK.

HERE YOU GO, FOR YOU.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

ULYSSES...

PERSEUS...

HERCULES...

STANLEY, THANKS FOR A GOOD DAY'S JERK.

I DON'T GET IT, MR. SCHMIDT.

GET WHAT, EDDIE?

I OVERHEARD YOU TELLING YOUR FRIENDS

THAT IT WAS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE

BEING HERE WITH ALL THESE HOT AND HORNY GUYS.

AND YET...

JUST NOW, WHEN THEY ALL WALK BY YOU...

YOU BARELY LOOKED UP.

WELL, I WAS PASSING OUT PAYCHEQUES.

YOU KNOW... HAD TO MAKE SURE THE NAME WENT WITH THE DICK.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT?

OTHER NIGHT?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

"DUELLING DICKS"?

OVER 12 HOURS OF NON-STOP J.O. ACTION?

OH, RIGHT. HUH.

IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE PORN EVENTS OF THE CENTURY,

AND YET YOU JUST SAT THERE.

DOING YOUR BOOKS.

YOU DIDN'T LOOK UP THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

NOT ONCE.

WELL THAT'S... THAT'S VERY OBSERVANT... EDDIE, BUT, UH,

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THIS IS WORK.

AND I'M THE BOSS.

I HAVE A PROFESSIONAL DEMEANOUR I HAVE TO MAINTAIN.

HOWEVER...

IT DOESN'T MEAN I WASN'T LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

WELL...

IF YOU DON'T NEED ME FOR ANYTHING ELSE,

DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE OFF?

OH NO, YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL LOCK UP.

THANKS, MR. SCHMIDT.

SEE YOU TOMORROW. YEAH.

YOU'RE WORKING LATE.

WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE BENEFITS OF BEING A PARTNER.

YOU GIVE SOMEONE SOMETHING TO DO, THEY FUCK IT UP

AND THEN YOU GET TO DO IT YOURSELF.

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

YEAH, AND I GOT IT.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

STUDYING.

AND I HAD TO GET THESE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MY OWN LITTLE ADVERTISING GENIUS.

HMMM.

I TOLD YOU I'D HELP YOU.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY.

COME HERE. MMM.

I HAVE TO SHOWER, I STINK.

FROM STUDYING? HMM.

SWEATING OVER A PROJECT.

YOU SCARED ME.

RELAX.

IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF A SHOWER SCENE.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD WORK TO DO.

BUT I GOT ALL SWEATY TOO.

BRIAN?

THANK GOD THAT HE STARTED CRYING.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY HEAR HIM SCREAM HIS LUNGS OUT.

I MEAN, UNFORTUNATELY WE CAN'T COUNT ON HIM TO SAVE US

NEXT TIME SHE SHOWS UP WANTING TO... DIVE IN.

WE COULD ALWAYS PUT A LOCK ON THE BEDROOM DOOR.

I'M SERIOUS.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SET UP SOME SORT OF BLOCKADE.

WELL, THE PROBLEM IS SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE

IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING. HOW COULD SHE NOT?

IT WAS JUST A SPONTANEOUS

"I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL IT HAPPENED

BUT THERE YOU ARE, DOING IT" SORT OF THING.

WELL, WE JUST NEED TO BE HONEST WITH HER.

OKAY.

YOU DO IT.

ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU WERE THERE TOO. I KNOW,

BUT YOU'RE MUCH BETTER AT REJECTING PEOPLE THAN I AM.

EXCUSE ME?

I MEANT THAT IN THE HIGHEST FORM OF PRAISE.

I MEAN, YOU'RE GREAT WHEN IT COMES TO FIRING THE SITTER,

OR SAYING NO TO PHONE SOLICITORS.

I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER

SHE CAN'T COME LIVE WITH US?

OH, SO IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE A TIMID LITTLESHIKSA.

THAT'S ME. WELL, THIS IS A LOT MORE DIFFICULT

THAN TELLING THE SALVATION ARMY TO TAKE A HIKE.

LEDA'S A DEAR FRIEND. NOT ONLY THAT,

SHE'S DOING US A BIG FAVOUR.

WAIT, THAT'S IT.

THE DEAL WAS, SHE COULD COME STAY WITH US

WHILE SHE WAS WORKING ON THE STUDIO, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

THE STUDIO'S PRACTICALLY DONE.

SO WE DON'T SAY ANYTHING, AND IN A COUPLE OF DAYS...

OUR PROBLEM MOVES OUT WITH HER?

YES.

UH, WE'LL POSTER GAYOPOLIS A LOT FASTER IF WE SPLIT UP.

I'LL GET THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

GOOD IDEA. OKAY.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, BUSINESS IS A LITTLE SLOW,

BUT AT LEAST ONE DEVOTED FAN IS HERE.

THANKS.

NOT YOU. BERTHA.

SHE NEVER MISSES A PERFORMANCE.

WHAT'VE YOU GOT THERE?

POSTERS.

AH, FOR YOUR COMIC BOOK. "RAGE".

I'M HOPING TO SELL ENOUGH TO PAY FOR TUITION NEXT YEAR.

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.

I HEAR THE GUYS WHO DID "THE X-MEN" MADE A FORTUNE. YEAH.

HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET A LATTE?

I CAN'T, I HAVE TO PUT THESE UP.

HUH.

OKAY, WELL MAYBE THIS WEEKEND WE CAN GO SEE A MOVIE.

YOU LIKE FRENCH FILMS?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ONE.

NEVER BEEN? PEASANT.

THE STUDENT FILM SOCIETY IS HAVING A TRUFFAUT RETROSPECTIVE.

THEY'RE SHOWING "JULES ET JIM".

A STORY ABOUT TWO MEN IN LOVE WITH THE SAME WOMAN.

ONLY IF YOU'LL NOTICE, HER NAME'S NOT IN THE TITLE

WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

IT'S HARD ENOUGH LOVING ONE PERSON.

BUT IF YOU'RE THE ONE THE OTHER TWO ARE IN LOVE WITH,

THEN YOU CAN BREAK BOTH THEIR HEARTS.

I'LL CALL YOU ABOUT THE WEEKEND. SURE.

THAT'S COOL. "JULES ET JIM,"

OR SOMETHING.

HEY, PORN KING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AMID THE SERFS?

FUCK OFF.

OH, IS THAT NICE.

HERE I AM, ACTUALLY GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY,

AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS LEVEL A RATHER PEDESTRIAN CURSE AT ME.

HEY, BRIAN, WAIT.

UH, COME HAVE A DRINK. ON ME.

COUPLE OF DEWARS.

WELL, WE'RE SERIOUS TONIGHT.

THE UNTHINKABLE HAS HAPPENED.

"TED SCHMIDT WOKE ONE MORNING FROM FITFUL DREAMS

TO FIND HIMSELF TRANSFORMED IN HIS BED INTO A GIANT VAGINA."

WORSE.

I'M...

IMMUNE.

TO PENICILLIN?

TO CLEVER LITERARY REFERENCES?

TO PORN.

I LOOK AT IT AND IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME.

ZIPPO.NADA.

I TOTALLY LOST INTEREST IN IT.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

ONE DAY, SUDDENLY, IT'S...

JUST GONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING...

YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

I'VE SEEN ALL MY WILDEST FANTASIES FULFILLED,

LIVE AND UNCENSORED RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES,

OVER, AND OVER...

AND OVER... I GOT IT.

SO MAY... MAYBE I NEED TO...

LAY OFF FOR A WHILE, YOU KNOW, JUST...

JUST GIVE IT A REST.

OR MAYBE YOU NEED TO STOP WATCHING AND DO.

WHAT'S YOUR MOST SECRET SEXUAL FANTASY?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M NOT TELLING YOU THAT.

FINE.

LIVE OUT THE REMAINDER OF YOUR DAYS

CONDEMNED TO SEXUAL PURGATORY.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT IF I TELL YOU, DO YOU PROMISE

NOT TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A FOOL?

HUH, THAT WOULD BE REDUNDANT.

I MAY HAVE SERIOUSLY UNDERESTIMATED YOU, THEODORE.

HEY, YOU GO, EM.

COME ON.

LOOK, LOOK! I DID IT, I GOT THEM ALL DOWN.

THE NEXT TIME, HONEY,

UH, TRY AND DO IT IN YOUR LANE.

GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU MOM,

THIS MATCH IS THE WORST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD.

WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

LET THEM GET AWAY WITH MAKING FUN OF GAY BOWLERS?

WE DO. YEAH WELL, THEY'RE COPS,

THEY SHOULD BE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD.

RIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO DO FINE.

ALL WE NEED TO DO IS PRACTICE. THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

BRIAN ALREADY IS PERFECT.

GLAD YOU THINK SO.

YEAH. A LITTLE MORE PRACTICE,

AND I'LL BE PERFECT TOO.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A LOT OF POTENTIAL, EMMETT.

FOR MANSLAUGHTER?

YOU JUST NEED TO WORK ON YOUR FOLLOW-THROUGH.

SEE, WHEREVER YOUR HAND GOES, THE BALL GOES.

SO JUST PRETEND YOU'RE THROWING RIGHT AT THE PINS.

THROW YOUR HAND AT THE PINS.

WHOO!

WELCOME TO TEAM HOMO!

WELL...

DEBBIE, YOU ALREADY HAVE A FULL LINEUP.

YEAH, WELL...

WE JUST LOST A PLAYER.

EMMETT, YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO,

"IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,

IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME"?

WELL, IT NEEDS A REWRITE.

SORRY, MOM. HE JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. IT'S TOO SOON.

MICHAEL,

I'M FINE. AH, YEAH.

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO STAY THAT WAY.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING ANYTHING PHYSICALLY STRENUOUS.

HEAR THAT, PROFESSOR?

NO MORE HEAVY BUTT ACTION.

DO YOU MIND?

JUST LOOKING AFTER HIS HEALTH.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, MICHAEL.

WOULD YOU STOP BEING A MOTHER HEN? THAT'S MY JOB.

HE SAYS HE FEELS FINE.

HE'S NOT BOWLING, AND THAT'S FINAL.

WELL,

I GUESS I'M ON THE TEAM,

WHETHER HER MAJESTY LIKES IT OR NOT.

I-I'M FEELING GOOD ABOUT THIS. YES, I AM.

WE'RE GOOD.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU, CHECKING OUT THE COMPETITION?

CHECKING IT OUT REAL CLOSELY.

I LIKE WHAT I SEE. HEY, VIC. HEY.

LEAVE IT TO MY SISTER

TO GET US INTO THIS.

MICHAEL, COVER YOUR EYES.

HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A DRINK.

FOR ONCE, WE CAN BE ALONE.

OH MY... MY KID'S STANDING RIGHT THERE.

I JUST WANNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE KISS.

HOW ABOUT WE GO OUT FOR A DRINK?

I CAN'T, I'M MEETING WITH THE GUYS. WE'RE...

WE'RE STRATEGIZING FOR THE GAME.

AH.

GO AHEAD, I WON'T KEEP YOU.

CONSIDERING WHAT AN EXPERT YOU ARE... AT GAMES.

PARDON?

FORGET IT.

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW SOMETHING LIKE THAT OUT THERE

AND SAY, "FORGET IT". I'M A DETECTIVE,

I KNOW HOW TO READ PEOPLE.

YOU'RE COMING THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR.

WELL, I WISH YOU WERE.

EVERY TIME I...

TRY TO GET A LITTLE FRIENDLY, YOU SHOOT ME DOWN.

NO, I MEAN I TOLD YOU. IT'S JUST THAT...

YOU CAN'T DESERT YOUR TEAM.

IF IT WASN'T THIS,

YOU'D BE STUFFING ENVELOPES FOR P-FLAG, OR...

MARCHING FOR GAY RIGHTS...

OR SOME OTHER EXCUSE NOT TO GET CLOSE.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

WHO DO WE HAVE TO THANK FOR THAT?

YOU'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL.

TOO BIG A DEAL. YOU PRACTICALLY DIED.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T, MICHAEL.

I AM STILL HERE.

YEAH.

AND I STILL WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND LISTEN TO YOU BREATHE.

JUST TO BE SURE.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT,

YOU CAN BENCH MY ASS.

NOW STOP WORRYING.

I CAN'T HELP IT, I...

I HAVE THE GENES OF AN ITALIAN MOTHER IN MY BLOOD.

MMM. SO HOW COME YOU CAN'T COOK?

I WORRY ABOUT EVERYBODY. I WORRY ABOUT VIC,

I WORRY ABOUT... TED AND EMMETT,

I WORRY ABOUT BRIAN AND JUSTIN...

HMM... WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM? WHAT...

WHICH HOT TRICK THEY'RE GOING TO FUCK NEXT?

I SAW... JUSTIN KISSING SOME GUY.

MICHAEL, I KISS GUYS ALL THE TIME.

YOU DO?

YEAH, I KISS THEM HELLO,

I KISS THEM GOODBYE, I...

IT WASN'T THAT KIND OF A KISS.

HMMMM.

MMMM.

MMMM.

MMMM.

IT WAS THAT KIND OF A KISS.

OKAY. UH...

DOES, UH...

DOES... DOES HE KNOW THAT YOU SAW HIM?

I WAS ACROSS THE STREET.

SO DO I TELL BRIAN OR NOT?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WHAT, RULE NUMBER TWO OF GAY ETIQUETTE:

NEVER TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT HIS BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON HIM?

IF YOU'RE WRONG, HE WILL BE FURIOUS.

AND IF I'M RIGHT?

HE'LL BE EVEN FURIOUSER.

SO EITHER WAY I LOSE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIE HERE ALL NIGHT,

WORRYING.

I TOLD YOU, IT'S GENETIC.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE!

THE BOYS BEHAVED THEMSELVES?

"MISBEHAVED" IS MORE LIKE IT.

IT WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED. I REALLY GOT MY GROOVE BACK.

GROOVY.

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

YOU CAN'T.

HEY, WHAT SIZE DOES THIS COME IN?

"TWINK", "STUD" AND "BEAR".

I... I'LL TAKE A "STUD".

I'LL TAKE TWO.

BY THE WAY, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

OH. BRRR. RIGHT.

SO WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH BRIAN'S BRACELET?

NEVER MIND.

TEDDY.

SINCE WHEN DO WE KEEP SECRETS?

AND SINCE WHEN DO WE SHARE THINGS WITH BRIAN

THAT WE DO NOT SHARE WITH ME?

I BORROWED IT.

BRIEFLY.

ALONG WITH HIS LIFE.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE...

TO BE HIM.

DISH.

HEY, UH... HI.

I... CAN GET IN?

SORRY.

YOU GUYS ARE SLIPPERY.

IT WAS AWFUL.

EMPTY... MEANINGLESS.

WELL, YOU REALLY WERE BRIAN.

IT WAS MY ALL-TIME NUMBER ONE FANTASY.

NOW THAT'S GONE, WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT?

HERE. TRY THIS ON.

AFTER A WHILE, DREAMS WEAR THIN.

KIND OF LIKE THIS FABRIC. HMM.

THEN, YOU REALIZE YOU NEED SOMETHING MORE.

I WAS HOPING TO FIND THAT WITH LUKE.

YEAH.

HE WAS A SWEET BOY.

BUT, HE COULDN'T ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.

TURN AROUND.

YOU'LL FIND IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

LOVE COMES AT THE STRANGEST TIMES IN THE STRANGEST WAYS.

IT'LL HAPPEN FOR YOU.

JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE.

MMM, YOU ARE ONE HANDSOME DEVIL, TED SCHMIDT.

YOU KNOW THAT?

READY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S GORGEOUS.

IT'S EVERYTHING I DREAMED OF.

LOOK AT THE WAY THE SUN POURS IN THROUGH THE SKYLIGHT.

THE SINK, IT ACTUALLY WORKS!

TIME FOR A TOAST.

TO...

MAKING ART.

TO MAKING YOUR FRIENDS HAPPY,

AND TO MAKING LOVE.

WELL, NOW THAT YOUR WORK'S DONE, I...

GUESS YOU'LL BE MOVING ON.

I HATE TO SEE YOU GO.

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH WORK TO TURN YOUR GARAGE...

INTO A NICE LITTLE... GUEST QUARTERS.

IN CASE SOMEONE WANTED TO COME FOR...

A VISIT, OR...

EVEN TO STICK AROUND.

IN FACT, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER...

RENTING IT OUT TO...

A SPECIAL FRIEND.

LEDA, WAIT.

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US,

MEANINGFUL AS IT MAY HAVE BEEN...

WAS A ONETIME THING.

BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING WE WISH TO CONTINUE.

RIGHT, LEEDS. SO...

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

WE'VE REALLY LOVED HAVING YOU HERE.

I, UH, UNDERSTAND.

WELL, THAT'S A... THAT'S A RELIEF.

WE WERE WORRIED YOU... FIRST,

I RENOVATE YOUR ATTIC, AND...

THEN I RENOVATE YOUR SEX LIFE.

AND THEN IT'S...

"SO LONG, LEDA"?

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE MEANT.

THAT'S HOW IT SOUNDED.

I THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU HERE.

WHY AREN'T YOU AT BEN'S, TAKING CARE OF THE INVALID?

HE'S DOING GREAT.

EVERYBODY CAN USE A HAND.

WHERE'S JUSTIN?

HE'S AT HOME, DOING A PROJECT.

THAT'S WEIRD, 'CAUSE I... I CALLED YOUR PLACE

AND THERE WAS NO ANSWER.

WELL I GUESS HE'S NOT PICKING UP,

OR MAYBE HE WENT OUT.

DON'T YOU GUYS TELL EACH OTHER

WHERE YOU'RE GOING OR WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I'M JUST ASKING. IT'S NOT A PSYCH WARD.

WE DON'T HAVE TO SIGN OUT,

OR CALL IN AND REPORT OUR WHEREABOUTS.

WE'VE EVEN STOPPED WEARING THOSE HOMING DEVICES.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I...

YOU'RE FREE TO COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE. IT'S JUST...

DON'T YOU EVER WONDER, THOUGH, WHAT HE'S DOING

WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND?

I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

MMMM.

AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.

HE'S 19, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

WHEN I WAS HIS AGE,

I WAS OUT FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT MOVED TOO.

YOU STILL ARE.

SO WHY SHOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM

IF THE LAD WANTS TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN?

WELL, WHAT IF IT WAS MORE THAN THAT?

WHAT IF...

WHAT IF WHAT?

WHAT IF...

THERE WAS...

SOMEONE ELSE?

SOMEONE THAT HE WAS SEEING

THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT?

WHAT IF THERE WAS?

YOU'D BE OKAY WITH THAT TOO?

HE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

WHAT ABOUT THE TRUTH?

YOU FIND A PLACE?

LUCKY LEDA LANDS ON HER FEET.

LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I...

I DO. I FEEL TERRIBLE THAT, UH...

THAT YOU'VE TURNED INTO A PROPER,

DIGNIFIED, HYPOCRITICAL BITCH?

I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT WE HURT YOU...

WELL YOU CAN TRY

TO SWEEP WHAT HAPPENED ON YOUR MATTRESS

UNDER YOUR MATTRESS, BUT YOU DON'T FOOL ME. I WAS THERE.

I'M NOT SAYING THE SEX WASN'T GREAT.

THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.

FRANKLY, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN HEARING

ABOUT ANY MORE OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

WELL... LINZ AND I, WE'RE A...

A COUPLE.

AND THAT MEANS THERE'S NO ROOM IN OUR LIFE

OR OUR BED, FOR A THIRD PARTY

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE MAY CARE FOR HER.

BEING WITH YOU AGAIN WAS...

WAS NICE. IT BROUGHT BACK A LOT OF MEMORIES.

ME TOO. AND SEEING YOU AND LINDSAY

AND HOW GREAT YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER,

I COULDN'T HELP WISHING THAT SOMEHOW, I COULD BE A PART OF IT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HORN IN ON YOUR SCENE.

IT'S JUST...

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES IT, UH...

IT GETS A LITTLE LONELY.

YOU'RE LUCKY, MEL. YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, MAYBE IT'S, UH...

TIME YOU FOUND SOMEONE OF YOUR OWN.

I MIGHT JUST DO THAT, BABE.

I MIGHT JUST DO THAT.

WELL, I GOTTA GET GOING.

YOU GIVE LINDSAY A BIG, SLOPPY SOUL KISS FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

WILL DO.

BE SURE TO DROP A LINE.

LET US KNOW WHERE YOU'RE AT.

DON'T I ALWAYS?

GOOD, GOOD, THAT'S NICE.

GO-O-O-O-O, GO, LINDSAY,

GO, LINDSAY! LIBERTY BALLS!

WHOO! HOO! HOO!

NO WAY SHE'S GONNA MAKE A DIME STORE SPLIT.

SHE'LL MAKE IT.

FAT CHANCE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON!

WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

OOH.

THANK YOU.

OH.

OUCH.

SHIT.

"SOME OF THE GREATEST BOWLERS ARE GAY."

NOT IN THIS BUNCH.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HONEY.

HE DELIBERATELY THREW YOU OFF

BY MAKING THAT NOISE.

WHAT NOISE?

THAT THING YOU DO WITH YOUR THROAT.

IT'S CALLED BREATHING.

WELL, KNOCK IT OFF.

ALL RIGHT, CARL. WE NEED YOU, BUDDY.

WELL, THIS OUGHTA BE GOOD.

GO, BABY!

GOOD.

IT'S CALLED SNEEZING.

BLESS YOU.

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL KISS THIS GAME GOODBYE.

YOU CAN SAVE YOUR KISSES.

WE STILL GOT ONE FRAME LEFT.

OH, GOOD. WHOO.

COME ON, EM, YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU ONLY NEED...

THREE STRIKES IN A ROW.

IS THAT ALL? THREE STRIKES. OKAY.

OH, WRONG ONE.

AH! OW! OW! OW!

EM, YOU OKAY?

OH, MY GOD! OW!

ARE YOU OKAY? OH, MY GOD,

I THINK I SPRAINED MY WRIST. LET ME SEE IT.

SEE HOW IT'S HANGING THERE LIMP LIKE THAT?

DOESN'T REALLY LOOK THAT MUCH DIFFERENT TO ME.

BEN!

BEN. DEBBIE, I'M SORRY. I...

I CAN'T.

IT'S OKAY. I UNDERSTAND.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S OVER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T?

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF LOSER ATTITUDE IS THAT?

MICHAEL, YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT...

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I FEEL FINE.

THEN GET OUT THERE.

AND WIN ONE FOR... YES!

...QUEERS EVERYWHERE. ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, THE LIBERTY BALLS ARE MAKING A SUBSTITUTION.

WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE, HE'S NOT ON THE TEAM.

IF THEY CAN DO IT IN BASEBALL,

WE CAN DO IT IN BOWLING.

HUH? WHAT?

1968, THE PIRATES AND THE REDS?

THE PIRATES NEEDED A PINCH HITTER.

SO THEY TOOK FERNANDO GUTIERREZ

OFF THE INJURY LIST,

WHICH MEANS HE WAS NOT ON THE TEAM

AT THE TIME,

AND THEY SENT HIM IN.

I'M SURE ALL YOU MANLY SPORTS FANS

REMEMBER THAT ONE, HMM?

SHE'S GOT A POINT.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW HE'S GAY. YEAH.

OH, COME ON.

OH, THAT'D BE GOOD.

OKAY,

HE QUALIFIES. LET'S BOWL.

YOO-OO!

FASCINATING SPORTS FACT ABOUT FERNANDO GUTIERREZ.

BUT SINCE WHEN DOES OUR MAILMAN PLAY PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL?

HUH! SHOWS YOU WHAT STRAIGHT GUYS KNOW.

MM-MM.

WHOOOO!

TWO MORE!

WHO'S CRYING NOW.

HOLY SHIT.

ALL RIGHT!

ONE MORE, ONE MORE, BEN.

ALL RIGHT!

IT'S OKAY.

ONE FUCKING PIN.

IT'S HARDLY A VICTORY.

NEXT YEAR, WE'RE GONNA REAM THEIR ASSES.

LET'S STICK TO BOWLING, SHALL WE?

EM?

I LET THE TEAM DOWN.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

IT'S THE SPIRIT THAT MATTERS, NOT THE SCORE.

AND,

YOU HAD, BY FAR,

THE MOST FABULOUS SPORTS ENSEMBLE.

REALLY? ABSOLUTELY.

THE WAY YOU GOT THE SHOES

TO MATCH THE SHIRT...

INSPIRED.

LITTLE PINS SITTING WITH THE LITTLE BALL,

AND THERE, AND THE PIPING...

OKAY, OKAY.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, TED SCHMIDT?

WHAT?

I LOVE YOU.

TO THE LIBERTY BALLS!

LONG MAY THEY HANG.

UH-OH, THE VICTOR.

COME TO GLOAT?

COME TO OFFER MY CONGRATULATIONS.

WHY? YOUR TEAM WON.

NOT BY MUCH.

YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

OH, THANKS. THANKS, CARL.

HEY, HORVATH?

DOESN'T THE WINNER BUY THE LOSER A DRINK?

DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF. NOBODY HERE'S INTERESTED IN YOU.

EXCEPT ME.

OH MY, OH... OH... OKAY, OKAY.

A STRAIGHT KISS AT WOODY'S.

THAT'S GOTTA BE A FIRST.

I GUESS PEOPLE REALLY DO FIND LOVE

IN THE STRANGEST PLACES.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, TEDDY? YOU, UH... YOU SEE ANYBODY HERE

MAKES YOUR HEART GO PITTER-PAT?

WELL, MAYBE. YEAH? WHO? WHO?

IT'S TOO SOON TO TELL.

I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T JUST SEE MY MOTHER

STICKING HER TONGUE DOWN HORVATH'S THROAT.

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, PRETEND SHE WON'T BE BLOWING HIM LATER

IN THE BACK OF HIS PATROL CAR.

IT'S TOO BAD JUSTIN COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

YOU TOLD HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

HE DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE.

JESUS, BRIAN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BOWLING.

GAME'S OVER.

HOW'D WE DO?

THREE CHEERS TO THE WINNERS.

WAY TO GO.

IT WASN'T US. OH.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

TAKING A SHOWER.

YOU SURE ARE TAKING A LOT OF SHOWERS LATELY.

HUH. COME HERE.

LATER.

NOW. CAN'T WE PLEASE DO THIS

AFTER I SHOWER?

I LIKE SMELLING YOU.

NOT SOAP.

YOU LIKE THAT? YES.

WHY'D YOU STOP?

BRIAN?

GO TAKE A SHOWER.

YOU STINK.