Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 14 - Episode #2.14 - full transcript

Justin is rolling in the dough, but his schoolwork suffers; Carl asks Debbie out; George asks Emmett to accompany him on a world tour.

FROM HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR TO GO-GO BOY IN LESS THAN A YEAR.

IT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD.

ANOTHER SUCCESS STORY FROM FATHER KINNEY'S

HOME FOR RUNAWAY BOYS.

AND TO THINK SOME PEOPLE SAY HE DOESN'T MAKE A GOOD ROLE MODEL.

IF I WERE BRIAN, I'D GO CRAZY

SEEING ALL THOSE GUYS PAWING MY BOYFRIEND.

YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE TRUE WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT DEAFENING MUSIC DAMAGING YOUR EARDRUMS.

I COULD SWEAR I HEARD YOU SAY IF YOU WERE ME...

COME ON, IT'S GOT TO BOTHER YOU A LITTLE BIT.



I MEAN, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THE ONLY WAY YOU GET TO DANCE ON THE BAR

IS IF YOU LET THE BOSS BLOW YOU.

IT'S BUSINESS. GETTING HEAD

TO GET AHEAD?

HE'S EARNING AN HONEST LIVING,

NOT TAKING ANY HANDOUTS.

CHECK OUT HOW MUCH MONEY I'M MAKING.

THAT'S ENOUGH TO PUT A CHILD THROUGH SCHOOL.

SHOULDN'T THE CHILD BE AT HOME, IN BED?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I CAN'T. I HAVE TO WORK TILL 2:00.

BUT, SWEETIE, YOU ALREADY LOOK EXHAUSTED.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP IT UP?



ESPECIALLY AT HOME.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I'M ON A BREAK.

BREAK'S OVER.

RELAX, SAP. HE'S KEEPING YOUR CUSTOMERS HAPPY.

IT'S SAPPERSTEIN, KINNEY.

AND THEY'RE MY CUSTOMERS, NOT YOURS.

COME ON, YOU'RE MINE FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

UM, DID I EVER MENTION THAT I... I HAVE AN IRRATIONAL,

BUT NEVERTHELESS QUITE INTENSE FEAR OF ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

THAT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE IN BED?

COME ON, IT'S JUST HORSEBACK RIDING.

DON'T BE SUCH A SISSY.

ANY OTHER IMPOSSIBLE REQUESTS?

COME ON. WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE?

UH, RIGHT BACK IN THE COZY, WARM BED THAT I CRAWLED OUT OF

TO FREEZE MY PRECIOUS BUNS OFF OUT HERE WITH YOU.

WELL, IT'S TIME YOU TRIED SOMETHING DARING, HUH?

SOMETHING NEW. YEAH, I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY

WITH MY BORING LITTLE LIFE RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER WANTED TO TRAVEL?

HUH? GO AROUND THE WORLD?

I BELIEVE WE DID THAT LAST NIGHT.

I MEAN FOR REAL.

COME ON, EMMETT, WHEN YOU WERE
A LITTLE BOY

GROWING UP IN HAZELHURST,

WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF?

GETTING OUT. WHAT ELSE?

WHERE DID YOU DREAM OF GOING? BILOXI.

IT WAS THE NEAREST AIRPORT.

AH. AND AFTER THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

NEW YORK, PARIS, ROME.

ANY PLACE AUDREY HEPBURN EVER MADE A MOVIE.

AND WHERE THERE WEREN'T GUYS IN SHIT-KICKERS,

KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

BUT I ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PITTSBURGH.

WELL, NOW YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT.

THE WORLD IS YOURS.

IT'S YOURS AND MINE.

SO JUST SAY THE WORD.

THE WORLD IS, UH...

MINE.

AROUND THE WORLD? THE ENTIRE WORLD?

YEAH. BORA-BORA, THE HIMALAYAS,

THE SERENGETI...

GEORGE SAYS WE COULD BE GONE SIX MONTHS, A YEAR.

WOW! I MEAN, A TRIP LIKE THAT ISN'T JUST A VACATION.

THAT'S A LIFE EXPERIENCE. HMM.

THERE'S SO MANY PLACES I WANT TO GO.

LIKE WHERE? OH, CHINA, JAPAN,

TIBET

TO MEDITATE.

I WANT TO GO TO BERLIN,

AMSTERDAM, PRAGUE.

GREAT ART, GREAT HISTORY.

GREAT MEN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE LIBERTY AVENUE TO GET INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.

FRENCH TOAST,

BELGIAN WAFFLE

AND A SPANISH OMELETTE FOR OUR OWN LITTLE JET-SETTER.

OH, D-DEBBIE?

YES, BEN?

UH, I'M SORRY. WH-WHAT ABOUT MY BREAKFAST?

WORKING ON IT. I HAVE JUST SO MANY HANDS.

THAT IS SUCH CRAP. YOU ALWAYS GET SERVED LAST.

AND WHEN IT ARRIVES, IT'S COLD.

YEAH, WELL, I DID ORDER WHEATIES.

MA.

YES, SWEETIE?

WHAT'S GOING ON, MA?

WITH WHAT? WITH WHAT?

THE WAY YOU'RE BEHAVING TOWARDS BEN.

WHY? 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HOP TO WHEN HE WANTED HIS CEREAL?

IT'S MORE THAN THAT. YOU... YOU NEVER SAY HELLO.

YOU BARELY SPEAK TO HIM UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

WELL, FORGIVE ME IF I'M NOT SITTING DOWN

AND CHATTING WITH HIM ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS OVER A CUP OF TEA.

I HAPPEN TO BE BUSY. OR HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?

NOW, EXCUSE ME.

I'VE GOT TO GET SOMEBODY HIS BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

WHEATIES.

OH-H...

GOOD MORNING...

SUNSHINE.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD A CLASS.

I DITCHED IT. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED

TO DO YOUR BEST WORK WHEN YOU'RE UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING AROUND?

I'M TAKING LESSONS FROM YOU.

AND I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND. I'M WORKING.

YEAH, I SAW HOW YOU WORK.

STICKING THAT... FUNNY WHITE POWDER THE SAP GAVE YOU

UP YOUR CUTE, LITTLE BUTTON NOSE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH SCHOOL,

NOT GETTING SO HAMMERED YOU CAN'T MAKE IT TO CLASS.

$410 IN ONE NIGHT.

FOR YOUR TUITION,

WHICH YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

WHEN THEY KICK YOU OUT.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY FATHER.

FUCK OFF.

BREAK IN THE CASE?

NAW. NOTHING YET.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT'S A DINER, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LUNCH TIME, ISN'T IT?

IT'S A LITTLE EARLY, ISN'T IT?

BUT WHAT'LL IT BE?

UM, MEAT LOAF SANDWICH,

SIDE OF FRIES.

AND HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING OUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

YEAH, THAT LAST ITEM ISN'T ON THE MENU.

I THOUGHT WE COULD GET ONE OF THOSE FANCY COFFEES, YOU KNOW,

UH... MOCHA...

FRAPPE LATTE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY'RE CALLED.

YEAH, WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH OF THAT STUFF I POUR,

IT'D BE A BUSMAN'S HOLIDAY.

HOW ABOUT DINNER THEN? SOMEBODY CAN WAIT ON YOU FOR A CHANGE.

NO, THANKS.

IS THAT "NO THANKS, NOT TOMORROW"

OR "NO THANKS, NOT EVER"?

JUST... NO THANKS.

HEY, HORVATH?

YOU WANT A LEMON BAR FOR THE ROAD?

HUH. NO, THANKS.

AH, YES! OH.

TO FETCH DIXON, A BIG...

BIGSTAR.

YOU'RE A HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.

OH-H...

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY... GOOD. THEN, LET'S HAVE SOME CAKE.

HOWEVER...

EVEN THOUGH I'M RETIRING FROM THE BIZ,

I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL FOR MY EXPERIENCE HERE,

AND, UH, AND... AND FOR FETCH DIXON.

WITHOUT HIM, I NEVER WOULD'VE MET MY HONEY.

YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.

AH. AN INSPIRATION?

NO, I'M... JUST... LUCKY.

UM, I MEAN, THE SAME THING COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

YOU NEVER WHO'S OUT THERE, WATCHING.

SO, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.

ONE DAY YOUR PRINCE WILL COME.

WHEN HE DOES,

TED WILL BE MAKING $19.95 FOR THE FIRST 10 MINUTES.

OOH!

PRESENTS. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT...

WORKING TONIGHT?

HMM.
9:00
TO 2:00.

YOU CAN HARDLY KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

THE SAP WILL SEE TO THAT.

DERAMINE.

IT'S FOR MOTION SICKNESS.

WELL, THAT SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE SEX.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY, I'LL LOAN IT TO YOU.

I DON'T NEED YOUR HANDOUTS.

IT'S NOT A HANDOUT.

WHEN YOU GRADUATE AND GET A REAL JOB,

YOU CAN PAY ME BACK WITH INTEREST.

NO, THANKS.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A TWAT?

I'M NOT BEING A TWAT.

I'M TRYING TO LOOK AFTER MYSELF FOR ONCE,

INSTEAD OF ALWAYS LETTING YOU DO IT FOR ME.

DICTIONARY OF FOREIGN PHRASES.

NOW YOU CAN SAY "FUCK ME FASTER" IN FARSI.

LOOK, YOU ONCE TOLD ME THAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME

THE BEST HOMOSEXUAL IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE.

DOESN'T THAT INCLUDE BEING A MAN?

SOMETIMES A MAN KNOWS WHEN TO ACCEPT HELP.

HERE'S SOME SEXY UNDERWEAR FOR YOUR TRIP.

IT'S EMPTY.

EXACTLY.

"WINE, MEN AND SONG,

LATE 40s, EPICUREAN,

LOOKING FOR FELLOW GOURMAND.

PEEL ME A GRAPE AND I'LL PEEL YOU ONE."

SOUNDS PERFECT.

HIV-NEGATIVE ONLY NEED APPLY.

OH. YOU'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY SOME DAY.

AT MY AGE, IT BETTER BE SOME DAY SOON.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT CRAP ABOUT "AT YOUR AGE".

EMMETT FELL FOR GEORGE, RIGHT?

WHICH ONLY PROVES THAT LOVE IS POSSIBLE

NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE.

SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.

NOR DO I NEED ONE,

'CAUSE SOMEONE ASKED ME OUT TODAY.

YOU? YES, ME.

HUH, I MEAN, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU LIVE WITH FAGS,

YOU WORK WITH FAGS.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A STRAIGHT MAN IN YEARS.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT DETECTIVE?

THE ONE INVESTIGATING THE MURDER.

HE ASKED YOU.

NONE OTHER. HOLY SHIT!

SO, WHEN ARE YOU GOING?

I'M NOT.

YOU TURNED HIM DOWN?

HE'S NOT MY TYPE.

HE'S ALIVE AND HE'S GOT A DICK.

WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

SOMEONE WHO'S NOT A HOMOPHOBE.

BECAUSE HE MADE A COUPLE OF CRACKS?

THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S A FAG-HATER.

IT JUST MEANS HE NEEDS... ENLIGHTENING.

SO YOU GO OUT WITH HIM.

YOU'RE MORE HIS TYPE.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU WENT ON A DATE?

HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW?

1992.

MUST BE SO RUSTY IT SQUEAKS.

I'VE BEEN BUSY. DOING WHAT?

TAKING CARE OF YOU.

SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE NOW?

I ALREADY TURNED HIM DOWN.

BUT... YOU'RE A WOMAN.

SOMEWHAT OUT OF PRACTICE, BUT NONETHELESS...

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

WELL, GO ON.

JUST SAY YES.

COME ON.

HARDER!

PUSH. YES.

YES!

WHEW! DIDN'T THINK I'D GET ALL THAT IN THERE.

WELL, THAT'S THAT.

YEAH. AND NOW THAT I AM GONE,

YOU AND BEN WILL HAVE THE PLACE ALL TO YOURSELVES,

SO YOU CAN... HUMP AND BUMP

AND MAKE MAD PASSIONATE LOVE

AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS,

WITHOUT ME LISTENING THROUGH THE WALLS.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I'LL STAY.

TOO LATE, THAT'S THE LIMO.

COME ON UP, GEORGIE.

GOD, I GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO ACT LIKE A SHOPGIRL.

DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM WORLDWIDE.

WHY WOULD YOU EMBARRASS HIM?

WELL, BACK IN HAZELHURST,

GEORGE IS WHAT WE USED TO CALL REFINED.

AND I AM WHAT WE USED TO CALL A PIECE OF THRASH.

SOMEONE LIKE HIM WOULD NEVER ASSOCIATE WITH THE LIKES OF ME.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT IN HAZELHURST ANY MORE,

AND GEORGE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY.

I KNOW.

IT'S JUST... MORE THAN I EVER DREAMED.

YOU DESERVE A FABULOUS LIFE, EM.

AS FABULOUS AS YOU.

HMMM. OOP.

WELL, HELLO, DREAM-DATE.

YOU ALL PACKED? YEAH.

OH, WOW! LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVEN'T PACKED?

HAVE A GREAT TRIP.

AH, THANKS, MICHAEL.

I'LL TAKE THAT, SIR.

WELL, I GUESS... THIS IS IT.

UM, MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE ASSHOLE SUPER TO FIX THE RADIATOR.

LAST WINTER WE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PARKAS.

OH AND, UH, MAKE SURE HE REPAINTS IN THE SPRING.

ALTHOUGH HE'S ONLY BEEN PROMISING FOR, LIKE...

TWO YEARS.

OKAY.

MMM, I'M, UH...

REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU.

YOU KNOW, I, UH, HATE TO INTERRUPT THIS,

BUT, UH, WE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

I'LL, UH, I'LL SEND YOU POSTCARDS,

FROM RIO AND...

POSITANO AND, UH, OH! AH, BEIJING.

OH.

OKAY, BYE. BYE.

IT'S JUST FOR THE WEEKEND

SO THAT I CAN FINISH A PROJECT.

MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

THIS ISN'T A PARTY. THIS IS A BUSINESS.

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO DEPEND ON MY EMPLOYEES

TO SHOW UP ON TIME,

DO THEIR JOB... IF I DON'T,

MY PROFESSOR SAID HE'S GOING TO FAIL ME.

I FEEL FOR YOU, KIDDO, I REALLY DO.

RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

JUST THIS ONCE, I'LL LET YOU OFF.

OH, THANKS, SAP. UH, GARY.

BUT...

I WANT YOU TO DO ME A LITTLE FAVOUR.

THAT'S NOT BAD.

THANKS. MAYBE WE'LL EVEN HANG IT.

REALLY?

THEN YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY YOU'RE HUNG.

I ALREADY DO.

SO HOW DID YOU GET THE NIGHT OFF?

I TOLD THE BOSS I HAD TO FINISH A PROJECT.

THAT WAS EASY. MM-HMM.

I TOLD YOU I COULD HANDLE IT.

OW. SMART ASS.

IN FACT, HE SAID I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE WEEKEND IF I JUST WENT

TO SOME AFTER-HOURS PARTY AT HIS HOUSE.

FOR WHAT?

HE WANTS SOME PRETTY BOYS THERE FOR DECORATION.

WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BE THERE? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

HIS FRIENDS.

I CAN IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS HE HAS.

AND I CAN GUESS WHAT KIND OF PARTY HE'S HAVING.

THAT GUY'S A FUCKING SLEAZE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

I KNOW HOW YOU GOT TO DANCE ON THE BAR.

I LET HIM BLOW ME.

BIG DEAL.

I'LL GIVE YOU $5,000.

WHAT FOR?

THAT DRAWING.

IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

NO. JUST YOU.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES. I'M STILL PUTTING ON YOUR MASCARA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

HORVATH KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

IT'S NOT FOR HORVATH.

IT'S FOR YOU.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE TOO.

OKAY, READY? OPEN UP.

HOLY SHIT.

I LOOK NICE.

NICER THAN NICE.

YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.

WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN LOOKING LIKE THE QUEEN MOTHER.

AH. AH. OH, CHRIST.

IT MUST BE HIM. DON'T BE NERVOUS.

I'M NOT NERVOUS.

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

OH, HEY, THE... THE... THE FRONT DOOR IS THAT WAY.

OH, YEAH. OKAY.

HI.

YOU LOOK, UH... YOU LOOK, UH...

ARE THE WORDS YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR, "LIKE A PRINCESS"?

I WAS GOING TO SAY "NOT BAD".

THAT'LL DO. HUH.

OH, COME ON IN.

THANKS.

UM, THIS IS LINDSAY

AND MELANIE. HI.

THEY'RE LESBIANS. THAT'S NICE.

AND THIS IS DETECTIVE...

HORVATH. CARL.

HEY, CARL. NICE TO MEET YOU.

WELL, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY. HUH.

HAVE FUN.

YEAH, HAVE A NICE NIGHT, UH,

EVENING.

BYE.

YEAH, BEN'S STILL WORKING ON HIS BOOK,

SO I FIGURED I'D COME DOWN HERE,

HAVE DINNER WITH YOU AND MOM,

TRY A LITTLE DIPLOMACY.

WELL, IF YOU MEAN ABOUT YOU AND HIM, FORGET IT.

SHE'S DUG HER HIGH HEELS IN AND SHE'S NOT BUDGING.

IT'S STILL WORTH A TRY. NOT TONIGHT.

SHE'S GOT A DATE.

WITH A MAN?

OF COURSE WITH A MAN.

WHY SHOULD SHE BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM US?

WAIT, IS THAT HIM? THAT DETECTIVE?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT DETECTIVES WERE SEXY.

HERCULE POIROT WITH THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE.

COLUMBO IN THAT RUMPLED TRENCH COAT.

I THOUGHT SHE SAID HE WAS A REAL HOMOPHOBE.

HI, SWEETHEART.

CARL, YOU REMEMBER MY SON MICHAEL

SURE. AND MY BROTHER VIC.

VIC. HI.

MIKE, HOW'RE YOU DOING?

FINE.

WELL, WE'RE OFF.

ALLOW ME.

THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO.

I'LL HAVE SOME OF THE BRIE...

PLEASE, AND, UH, OH, THE... THE TARTE AU CHOCOLAT,

AND... AND, UH, AND THECREME BRULEE.

AND, UH, AND DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE CHAMPAGNE.

YOU'VE BEEN EATING SINCE WE TOOK OFF.

WELL, IT'S MY FIRST TIME IN FIRST CLASS.

I, UH, I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.

LISTEN.

WHAT? IF YOU'RE VERY QUIET,

YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THEM MOO.

WHO? THE CATTLE IN COACH.

OH.

I KNOW. I USED TO BE ONE OF THE HERD.

BUT NOW I AM FINALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN,

AND IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

WELL FROM NOW ON, I HOPE THE WORLD WILL BE A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

HMMM.

IT WILL BE...

'CAUSE I'M WITH YOU.

WOULD YOU FIND IT TERRIBLY TEDIOUS

IF I TOLD YOU HOW MARVELLOUS YOU ARE?

HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME?

I WILL TRY TO ENDURE IT.

I TELL YOU, EMMETT, NO ONE'S EVER GIVEN ME SUCH PLEASURE.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO MAKE LOVE AT EVERY DESTINATION.

HMM.

YEAH, AT MACHU PICCHU.

IN A GONDOLA IN VENICE.

ON THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.

I WONDER IF THERE'S A 3000-YEAR-OLD GLORY HOLE?

I WISH WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW.

WHY NOT?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB?

HONEY, IT'S WHY WILBUR AND ORVILLE INVENTED AVIATION.

YOU GO IN THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM FIRST.

THEN WHEN NO ONE'S LOOKING,

I'LL SLIP IN AND, UH...

OKAY. MM-HMM.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD CHILDREN.

YEAH, TWO.

MY SON, CARL JUNIOR,

HE'S IN THE AIR FORCE, STATIONED IN GERMANY.

HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF LITTLE ONES.

VERY NICE.

MY, UH, DAUGHTER VICKI. MMM.

NAMED AFTER HER MOM, GOD REST HER SOUL.

SHE'S IN SALT LAKE.

SHE'S A MUSIC TEACHER.

MARRIED?

UH-HUH. TO A BLACK GUY.

OH. UH...

DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA.

DID YOU HEAR ME SAY A WORD?

HE'S NICE ENOUGH. HE'S A LAWYER.

SUCCESSFUL. BUT YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

WELL, I'M WORKING ON IT.

BIG OF YOU.

YOU GOT ENOUGH THERE? MM-HMM.

PLENTY.

I JUST DON'T GET WHY SHE'D...

WANT TO GO MAKE HER LIFE MORE DIFFICULT.

I TRIED TALKING TO HER BUT...

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN'T DICTATE TO YOUR KIDS

ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIFE OR WHO TO LOVE.

AND THE MORE YOU DO, THE WORSE IT GETS.

SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE, UH...

TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE HERE.

MY SON'S SEEING SOMEBODY WHO'S HIV-POSITIVE.

HOLY SHIT.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

BUT TRY TALKING TO HIM AND HE'LL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU SAY...

IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

WE'RE JUST THE POOR SUCKERS WHO BROUGHT THEM INTO THE WORLD.

I WORRY FOR HER THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

FOR THE KIDS THEY MIGHT HAVE.

HMMM.

I WORRY TOO...

FOR MY KID'S LIFE.

SO I'M AN OGRE.

A DAMN PRETTY ONE.

DON'T TRY TO SWEET-TALK ME.

WHAT? CAN'T YOU TAKE A COMPLIMENT?

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD ONE,

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

YOU SAVOUR IT, LIKE THIS.

AH, IT'S PRETTY TIGHT IN HERE.

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE'RE EXPERIENCING A LITTLE TURBULENCE.

THEM TOO?

THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE OVERHEAD SEAT BELT SIGN

AND REQUESTS THAT YOU PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR SEAT.

SORRY, MY SEAT'S TAKEN.

SH-SH-SH-SH.

WE DON'T WANT THE STEWARD HEARING AND BURSTING IN,

ALTHOUGH HE WAS KIND OF CUTE.

THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD ONE.

YOU ALL RIGHT, GEORGE?

GEORGE?

GEORGE?

OH, MY GOD. GEOR...

OH, MY GOD.

GEOR... GEORGE, A-ARE YOU...

OH MY GOD.

SOMEBODY HELP US.

GEORGE... GOD.

SOMEBODY...

SOMEBODY!

SOMEBODY HELP US, PLEASE!

GOD...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

YOU WAITING UP FOR ME?

IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.

GONNA TO GROUND ME?

YOU'RE DRUNK.

I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF WINE

AND A VERY NICE TIME, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.

WITH THAT HOMOPHOBIC PRICK?

HE'S NOT A HOMOPHOBIC PRICK.

OKAY, SO NOW WHAT IS HE?

HE'S A 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY

WITH 55-YEAR-OLD STRAIGHT GUY ATTITUDES

WHO NEEDS HIS EYES OPENED.

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.

FOR A FREE MEAL AND A LITTLE ATTENTION,

YOU'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVE IN?

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MICHAEL.

NEITHER DO YOU. WELL, I'D LIKE TO.

AND IF YOU DON'T APPROVE,

THEN I SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE

WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT YOU SEEING BEN,

AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT TRY REMEMBERING ALL THE YEARS

THAT I RAISED YOU AND LOOKED AFTER YOUR UNCLE VIC,

WITHOUT EVER TAKING A MINUTE FOR MYSELF.

AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME,

A-A GUY ASKS ME OUT IN...

I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW LONG,

AND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY FOR ME.

WHAT, HAPPY YOU'RE SO FUCKING DESPERATE

YOU'LL GO OUT WITH ANYONE?

HEY, SAVE SOME FOR OTHERS...

HI, GUY.

COOL PLACE, HUH? YEAH.

COOL.

HUH.

WANT SOME?

NO, THANKS.

COME ON, LOOSEN UP, RELAX.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF?

WHAT FOR?

IT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE, REMEMBER?

DECORATION.

THAT WAS THE DEAL.

THAT'S BETTER.

OUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE

LOOKS LIKE HE COULD USE A DRINK.

WHY DON'T WE, UH, OFFER HIM SOMETHING?

LATER.

GO AHEAD. IT'S GREAT SHIT.

OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOO STRONG?

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

YEAH.

I MEAN, MICHAEL'S GOT BEN...

YOU'VE GOT JUSTIN.

EVEN EMMETT HAS GEORGE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

HOW COME EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE EXCEPT ME?

THE REASON YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND IS BECAUSE...

YOU DON'T WANT ONE.

I DON'T?

IF YOU HAD ONE, IT WOULD CHALLENGE

THE WELL-ESTABLISHED OPINION YOU HAVE OF YOURSELF

AS A WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT NOBODY WANTS.

THEREFORE, YOU GO AFTER GUYS YOU KNOW WILL REJECT YOU,

THEN YOU STAND AROUND HERE AND BITCH LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL,

WHEN IN FACT YOU'VE GOTTEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT,

MAINLY... NOTHING.

WELL, THANK YOU, DR. KINNEY. YOU'VE SAVED ME YEARS OF THERAPY

NOT TO MENTION SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS.

SHE HIT ME. MY MOTHER FUCKING HIT ME.

SHE'S ALWAYS HITTING YOU.

THAT'S HOW SHE SHOWS HER AFFECTION.

I MEAN FOR REAL.

WELL, WHAT DID MIKEY DO?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I TOLD HER SHE WAS PATHETIC FOR DATING THAT FAG-HATING COP.

YOU KNOW, IF SHE KEEPS THIS UP,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HER HONORARY QUEER BUTTON AWAY.

WHERE ARE HER VALUES? HER PRINCIPLES?

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU WANT COCK.

THEY'RE THE FIRST THINGS TO GO.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.

LITTLE MIKEY'S JEALOUS.

WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DO YOU THINK THEY DID IT?

DO YOU THINK HE SLIPPED HER THE BIG GREASER?

HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC?

IT'S JUST YOUR GARDEN-VARIETY OEDIPAL THING.

ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE BEEN HER LITTLE MAN,

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN SOME BIG OLD DICK POPS UP,

THREATENS TO TAKE HER AWAY.

AND YOU'RE HURT.

YOU'RE ANGRY. YOU'RE MAD ENOUGH TO KILL.

OKAY, ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I'M THROWING YOU OUT OF THE CAR. OKAY?

EVEN IF IT IS YOURS.

SHIT.

WHAT NOW?

WE'RE BEING PULLED OVER. FUCK!

YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON YOU?

YEAH, 16 POUNDS OF COCAINE AND 24 OUNCES OF HEROIN.

THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FUNNY.

WHO'S BEING FUNNY?

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, SIR.

ARE YOU THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE?

NO. HE IS.

IT'S A WONDERFUL EVENING, ISN'T IT, OFFICER?

ARE YOU AWARE YOU WERE SPEEDING?

OH, THAT MUST BE WHY IT FELT LIKE WE WERE GOING SO FAST.

MICHAEL.

YOU WERE DOING 60 IN A
35-MILE ZONE.

WOW, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? MATH.

GIVE THE OFFICER A JELLY DOUGHNUT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR?

LOOK, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO DO,

LIKE... ARREST A MURDERER?

JESUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH POLICE OFFICERS, SIR?

ONLY ONES THAT ARE BOFFING HIS MOTHER.

SHUT UP, ASSHOLE.

JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN TICKET.

OH, NOW HE'S DONE IT.

GET OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED.

WHAT NOW? SO YOU CAN WORK ME OVER?

OH, NOW WE'RE GOING TO JAIL.

YOU TOO. PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE CAR.

WHAT DID WE DO? I SAID OUT.

AW!

OFFICER, I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY

TO DRIVE THESE TWO GENTLEMEN HOME.

IT'S SHOW TIME.

HMM.

YOU LOOK KIND OF THIRSTY. HUH.

HAVE A SIP. THANKS.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY PLACE.

COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.

YOU EVER BEEN IN A SLING?

OH, YOU'D LOVE IT.

COME ON, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

I DON'T... I DON'T WANT TO.

I DON'T WANT TO.

COME ON, IT'S JUST...

I SAID THAT I DON'T TO!

SHIT!

YOU BROKE ONE OF MY CAPS.

I BETTER GO. I...

FUCKER.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE COST ME?

I GOTTA GO.

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT. AND DON'T BOTHER

COMING BACK TO WORK.

GOD... YOU OKAY, GARY?

IT, UH...

IT APPEARS THE GENTLEMAN

SUFFERED A MASSIVE MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION,

A HEART ATTACK, UH... BROUGHT ON BY, UH...

OVEREXERTION.

WELL... THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

LUCKY TO HAVE A HEART SPECIALIST ON BOARD.

UH... ACTUALLY, UM, I'M A DOCTOR OF ECONOMICS.

BUT, UH, THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE.

WHAT A WAY TO GO.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?

A DRINK.

I COULD REALLY USE A DRINK.

OVER ICE?

WON'T BE NECESSARY.

THANKS.

UM, DO YOU, UH...

DO YOU MIND IF I STAY UP HERE?

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST HOLLER. I'LL...

FETCH IT FOR YOU.

HEAR THAT, GEORGE?

HE RECOGNIZED ME.

I GUESS, UH...

I GUESS STARDOM SOMETIMES HAS ITS ADVANTAGES.

SO, HERE WE ARE, HONEY.

FLYING AROUND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN...

HEAVEN AND EARTH...

LOST IN THE STARS.

I'M SO DISAPPOINTED.

I KNOW, I FUCKED UP.

I DON'T MEAN THAT.

ALL THE PORNO FLICKS I'VE SEEN THAT TAKE PLACE IN PRISON

ALWAYS SHOW THESE HOT CRIMINAL TYPES IN HEAVY MAN-ON-MAN ACTION.

NOTHING LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR EITHER.

I WONDER WHO I HAVE TO BLOW AROUND HERE

TO GET A TRIPLE NON-FAT LATTE?

HMM, IF YOU SAY SO.

OKAY, GENTLEMEN.

FREE TO GO.

THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STAFF

DESERVES A THRASHING.

A WORD?

IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT

INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OUT ON THE OFFICER WHO PULLED YOU OVER.

YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT AND I WANT YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHER.

THANKS FOR BEING FORTHRIGHT.

MAY I BE THE SAME?

I DON'T HATE GAYS.

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

BUT THEN YOU COULD SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT ME,

SO WE'RE EVEN.

AS FOR YOUR MOTHER...

SHE'S A VERY NICE LADY.

BIG HEART, BIG PERSONALITY, BIG MOUTH.

CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I LIKE THAT.

AND SHE SURE AS HELL LOVES YOU.

GO PAY YOUR SPEEDING TICKET AT THE FRONT DESK.

THERE'LL BE NO RECORD OF YOUR NIGHT IN THE SLAMMER

FOR YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS.

THANKS.

MOTHER? MOM?

YES?

CAN WE ORDER, PLEASE?

YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST

AND TO SAY I'M SORRY.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

UH, WHEATIES.

MOM, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

TWO EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, RAISIN TOAST.

I MEANT THE SORRY PART. I SAID I'M SORRY.

LIKE YOU WERE ORDERING SOMETHING OFF A MENU.

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SERVE YOU UP A NICE PLATE OF...

FORGIVENESS.

JUST LIKE THAT.

I THINK I SHOULD LEAVE AND LET YOU TWO WORK THIS OUT.

STAY.

I HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE DETECTIVE HORVATH WITHOUT KNOWING HIM.

AND I HAD NO RIGHT SAYING THE THINGS TO YOU THAT I SAID.

YOU'RE ENTITLED TO DATE WHOEVER YOU WANT.

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM.

RIGHT.

BUT THEN, SO AM I.

YOUR CEREAL'S COMING RIGHT UP, BEN.

THANK YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT?

DON'T ASK.

WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.

HOME BY 3:00, OR MY BALLS TURN INTO PUMPKINS. HMM.

BELIEVE ME, YOU DIDN'T MISS A THING.

HOW WAS THE PARTY?

OH, INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS.

I LEFT EARLY.

BET THE SAP DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

FUCK THE SAP.

ANYWAY...

I QUIT.

I DECIDED THAT...

WORKING ALL NIGHT AND GOING TO SCHOOL DURING THE DAY

WAS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO MY GOALS.

I NEED TO PRIORITIZE,

CONCENTRATE ON MY ART.

SO...

I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER...

IF IT STILL STANDS.

IT STILL STANDS.

WE'LL NEED TO DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE LOAN...

INTEREST, REPAYMENT SCHEDULE.

AND WE SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING IN WRITING.

OF COURSE. MM-HMM.

SO, WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP.