Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 1 - Home Is Where the Ass Is - full transcript

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY

THE GRAND CANYON OR BIG SUR BUT...

I THINK SOME OF THE FINEST VISTAS

TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE IN THESE UNITED STATES

ARE RIGHT HERE IN PITTSBURGH.

LOOKS PRETTY BARREN TO ME.

OH COME ON. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE

IN THIS VAST PANORAMA OF SWEATY BODIES

YOU'RE JUST DYING TO HAVE REJECT YOU.

IT'S NOT THEM. IT'S ME.

IT'S TOO SOON. I'M STILL IN MOURNING.



WELL IT'S TIME TO TAKE OFF THE WIDOW'S WEEDS.

AFTER ALL, EVEN JACKIE MANAGED TO GET UP OFF ALL FOURS,

MARRY SOME RICH OLD MAN AND GO SHOPPING AGAIN.

AT LEAST TRY.

HIM.

WHO?

OVER THERE. THE, UH, RED AND BLUE SHIRT,

BLACK HAIR, BIG BUTTON EYES,

CUTE LITTLE TURNED-UP NOSE.

OH, HE'S ADORABLE.

HE'S HOT.

HE'S, UH...

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL. OH MY GOD.



HEY. MICHAEL!

HEY! MICHAEL-L-L.

MICHAEL.

IT'S YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I FIGURED I'D FIND YOU HERE.

HOW'D YOU GUESS? WELL, IT WAS EITHER THIS

OR MIDNIGHT MASS. OH, WELL... SO, YEAH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU WERE COMING?

IT WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT THING.

I, UH... DAVID TOOK HANK CAMPING...

AND SO YOU FIGURED YOU'D DO A LITTLE CAMPING OF YOUR OWN.

OH-HO, MAN.

OH, IT'S... OH, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK ADORABLE.

AND HOT!

DOESN'T HE LOOK HOT, TED?

LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

OH, YEAH. COME ON.

SO HOW LONG ARE YOU IN TOWN FOR?

JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SEE YOU GUYS AND...

AND MY MOM AND MY UNCLE VIC...

BRIAN. BRIAN. YEAH.

OH, THERE'S NO POINT IN LOOKING FOR HIM, SWEETIE,

HE'S NOT HERE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

HE'S IN THE BACK ROOM.

OH, HEY, TODD, HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY. FINE.

HEY, MIKEY.

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

N-NO. COVER YOUR TEETH.

I'VE BEEN E-MAILING YOU AND LEAVING YOU MESSAGES

PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST MONTH

AND YOU NEVER ANSWERED.

BUSY, BUSY. WHAT?

UP TO YOUR OLD TRICKS?

NEVER OLD ONES,

AND NEVER THE SAME ONES TWICE.

OKAY, GUYS, YOU CAN TAKE A BREAK.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY.

OH, NOT JUST OKAY. I'M...

I'M FABULOUS.

IN FACT, I'M THE MOST FABULOUS FAG IN PITTSBURGH...

THAT IS IF IT'S POSSIBLE TO BE FABULOUS IN PITTSBURGH.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY "E"?

MM-HMM. HERE YOU GO.

TRY IT. HERE.

GO ON, TAKE IT.

SO WHO TOLD YOU I WAS HERE, ROSENCRANZ OR GUILDENSTERN?

I THINK I COULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT ON MY OWN.

OH SHIT! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO NAIL THAT FUCKER ALL NIGHT.

WHEN AM I GOING TO SEE YOU?

I WOULDN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, SWEETIE.

HE'S CUT HIMSELF OFF FROM EVERYONE.

EVERYONE, THAT IS, EXCEPT FOR EVERY SLUT IN PITTSBURGH

WITH A SMOOTH ASS OR A NINEINCH COCK.

SO IN OTHER WORDS, DESPITE WHAT HAPPENED,

IT'S BUSINESS AS USUAL FOR MR. KINNEY.

BUT HEY, WHEN YOUR BOY-TOY GETS BROKEN,

YOU GET ANOTHER TOY. RIGHT?

WELL, HERE WE ARE. HOME, SWEET DUMP.

IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK.

AH, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

AFTER THOSE PHOTOS YOU E-MAILED US OF YOUR NEW PLACE.

WELL, I MAY NOT HAVE A POOL AND AN ATRIUM,

BUT I'VE GOT A STOPPED-UP SINK

AND A HALFDEAD RUBBER TREE PLANT.

HE'S TRYING TO GROW HIS OWN CONDOMS.

OH, BABY, YOU MUST BE SO HAPPY.

YEAH. HANK AND DAVID ARE GETTING VERY CLOSE NOW AND...

AND, UH, WE GET TO DO ALL THESE COOL THINGS TOGETHER.

WE GET TO GO BICYCLING IN FOREST PARK,

AND WE GET TO GO TO CANNON BEACH,

AND, UH, WE'VE MADE SOME REALLY GREAT NEW FRIENDS.

IT'S REALLY... YOU HAVE... FRIENDS?

WELL, THAT'S, UH... THAT'S NICE.

OH, STOP IT. YOU KNOW NOBODY COULD REPLACE YOU GUYS.

HMMM? UH, YEAH, WELL, I'M AFRAID

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACE YOU.

WHAT?

IF I DON'T FIND A NEW ROOMMATE SOON,

I'M GOING TO BE FORCED TO MOVE INTO THE HOME FOR INDIGENT HOMOS.

WELL, HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING?

I'M HERE ABOUT THE ROOM.

I'M HERE ABOUT THE ROOM.

I'M HERE...

OH, YEAH!

WHOO!

HIGH AND LOW.

ONLY NO ONE, UH... MEASURES UP.

MAYBE YOU NEED TO RETHINK THE INTERVIEW PROCESS.

RIGHT NOW WE HAVE A GUEST.

WELCOME HOME, BABY.

MMMM.

CRUMMY NIGHT?

HELL, WHAT'S A LITTLE RAIN?

HOW ABOUT SOME HOT TEA?

OR I COULD, UH, FIX YOU UP SOME OF THAT, UH, SOUP IN A CUP,

ALTHOUGH IT'S GOT ENOUGH SODIUM TO STIFF A HORSE.

OH, BY THE WAY, MIGUEL, YOU KNOW, UH,

THE ONE WHO'S HERE TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS,

HE WAS TOSSING THE BALL WITH HIM TODAY.

YEAH, SAID HIS HAND WAS IMPROVING.

BUT HE STILL HAS THESE OUTBURSTS WHEN HE GETS FRUSTRATED.

WELL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN GIVE HIM.

OH, DRUGS CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING.

WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?

IF YOU ASK ME...

WHAT WOULD HELP HIM THE MOST

IS IF HE KNEW THAT YOU CAME HERE EVERY...

NO!

UH-UH-UH-UM.

UH, NO.

WHO MADE UP THE FUCKING RULE THAT YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN A HOSPITAL?

COME AND GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG.

PROMISE TO LET ME GO THIS TIME?

EAGLE SCOUT'S HONOUR.

AND THEY'RE ALL FAGS, YOU KNOW.

MY BABY!

CHRIST!

YOU'RE A FUCKING SKELETON.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN EATING

OUT THERE? NUTS AND BERRIES?

I CAN SEE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FATTEN YOU UP.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU THE BUTCH BOTTOM SPECIAL, HUH?

STACK-O-JACKS. JACKS.

DOUBLE SAUSAGE AND EGGS,

A BIG SLICE OF CHERRY PIE A LA MODE.

RIGHT. DOUBLE B-S FOR MY KID.

ARE YOU TRYING TO FATTEN ME UP OR GIVE ME A STROKE?

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

CHRIS HOBBS' SENTENCING IS NEXT WEEK.

THE JUDGE IS A REAL ASSHOLE.

YEAH, WE'RE CALLING EVERYBODY WE CAN.

P-FLAGers, ACLUers.

WE'RE GOING TO PACK THAT COURTROOM.

MAKE SURE HE KNOWS WE'RE HOLDING HIM ACCOUNTABLE.

JUSTIN'S VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU LOOKING AFTER HIM.

WELL, THAT'S MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND.

HE HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM ONCE.

EVERY TIME WE VISIT JUSTIN,

ALL HE EVER ASKS IS, "WHERE'S BRIAN?"

GETTING HIS DICK SUCKED, THAT'S WHERE'S BRIAN.

I'M NOT STICKING UP FOR HIM.

BUT MAYBE IT'S LIKE THOSE VIETNAM VETS

WHO WITNESSED ALL THOSE ATROCITIES.

IT'S JUST TOO PAINFUL FOR HIM TO FACE.

WHAT? SEEING A POOR, HURT KID?

YOU WEREN'T THERE THAT NIGHT. YOU DIDN'T SEE BRIAN...

IN SHOCK, WITH ALL THAT BLOOD ALL OVER HIM.

IT'S LIKE HE HAD THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM TOO.

IF YOU ASK ME, HE'S STILL AN ASSHOLE.

OKAY, I GUESS IT'S TIME TO GET TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR.

YEAH, GET OUR HAIR DONE.

GET OUR MANICURES. PICK UP OUR DRESSES.

BE READY WHEN OUR DATES ARRIVE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN WHILE I WAS GONE THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

DON'T WORRY, MICHAEL. WE'RE STILL LESBIANS.

OH, WHOO!

IT'S MY SISTER'S WEDDING.

AND THE LESS SAID, THE BETTER.

RIGHT. YEAH.

HERE, BONE-BUTT.

START ON THESE.

OH, MMM-WAH.

COFFEE.

COFFEE.

DOES HE ALWAYS PUSH HIMSELF THIS HARD?

EVEN WHEN HE WAS A KID,

HE WAS S... SO DETERMINED TO RIDE HIS TWO-WHEELER.

HE FELL A HUNDRED TIMES.

HIS KNEES WERE A BLOODY MESS, BUT...

HE KEPT AT IT TILL HE LEARNED HOW TO STAY UP.

HE HASN'T CHANGED.

IF HE WANTS SOMETHING, HE WON'T STOP TILL HE GETS IT.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS NOW

THAT'S MAKING HIM WANT TO STAY ON TOP,

IT'S PAID OFF.

I'M SENDING HIM HOME.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

FUCK! SHIT!

ARE YOU SURE HE'S READY?

I WANT TO SEE HIM HERE THREE TIMES A WEEK

FOR THE NEXT MONTH FOR OUTPATIENT THERAPY.

AND CALL ME IF THERE'S A PROBLEM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'M DRESSED FOR A FUCKING FUNERAL.

CLOSE TO IT. HETERO WEDDING.

CAN'T YOU TWO GIVE UP BABYLON FOR ONE NIGHT?

I DID, AND LOOK. I'M HAVING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS.

OH. WELL, IT'S TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT. YOU COULD...

REALLY SCORE BIG TIME.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

BUT IN THIS PARALLEL UNIVERSE, YOU'RE ACTUALLY HOT.

WOO-HOO, LUCKY ME.

PINK CHAMPAGNE. YEAH.

UM, YEAH, THAT'S TOO NELLY EVEN FOR ME.

NOT BAD...

FOR A DOUCHE.

LOOK, I'M SORRY

TO MAKE YOU PRETEND TO BE OUR DATES BUT...

LYNNETTE INSISTED MEL AND I NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.

WHAT DID SHE THINK WE WERE GOING TO DO?

PERFORM CUNNILINGUS ON TOP OF THE WEDDING CAKE?

I PROMISED WE'D FOLLOW WEDDING ETIQUETTE.

YEAH, WELL I'VE READ "MISS MANNERS" COVER TO COVER,

AND NOWHERE DOES IT STATE THAT ONE MUST SUBJUGATE ONE'S SEXUALITY

EVEN... AT THE BRIDE'S REQUEST.

WOW, IS HE HOT! COME BACK HERE.

WHAT'S HER POSITION ON FUCKING USHERS?

PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.

PREFERABLY NOT DURING THE CEREMONY.

THERE SHE IS. AH, DADDY.

AH, THERE'S MY GIRL.

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

HELLO, MELANIE.

MR. AND MRS. PETERSEN.

THIS IS TED, EMMETT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

WE'RE THEIR BEARDS.

YOU, UH, READY FOR "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"?

AGAIN. OH, RON, STOP.

WELL, DON'T TELL ME, NANCY, TELL LYNNETTE.

UH, THREE WEDDINGS IN FIVE YEARS IS...

THIS IS THE LAST ONE I'M PAYING FOR.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID THE LAST TIME.

MR. PETERSEN.

OH... OH, THERE'S OUR CUE.

SHALL WE TAKE OUR POSITIONS?

I LEFT YOU FOUR MESSAGES.

I TOLD YOU, BUSY, BUSY.

WANT SOME DINNER?

THIS IS DINNER?

IT'S JUST THE ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF A HEALTHY DIET;

SALT, SATURATED FAT,

ALCOHOL.

I'M NEVER EATING AGAIN.

MY MOM PRACTICALLY FORCE-FED ME

THE ENTIRE LIBERTY DINER MENU.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO EAT IT?

WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

SAY NO.

YOU KNOW IT MAKES HER HAPPY.

THERE YOU HAVE IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PROOF POSITIVE

THAT MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY

CAN CAUSE NAUSEA,

SEVERE CRAMPS, EVEN DIARRHEA.

GOT ANY TUMS?

YOU KNOW WHAT TUMS IS SPELLED BACKWARDS?

SMUT! SMUT!

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE? I TOLD YOU,

I LEFT YOU A BUNCH OF MESSAGES, AND YOU NEVER CALLED ME BACK.

I-I MEAN, OUT OF ALL THE HOLIDAY DESTINATIONS YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN...

IBIZA, PUERTA VALLARTA, SIX FLAGS OVER FUCKING TULSA,

WHY THE PITTS? I MISSED IT. IT'S MY HOME.

NOT ANY MORE IT'S NOT. YOU'RE JUST A VISITOR HERE NOW.

JUST A SIGHTSEER OF YOUR FORMER LIFE.

SO NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN YOUR MOM AND THE BOYS AND ME,

WHO'S NEXT ON THE TOUR?

I THOUGHT I'D GO SEE JUSTIN.

HOW'S HE DOING? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WELL, YOU WOULD IF YOU WENT TO SEE HIM.

HOW ABOUT YOU COMING WITH ME? WHAT FOR?

IT MIGHT MAKE HIM HAPPY.

I JUST TOLD YOU, MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY

CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.

SO CAN MAKING YOURSELF MISERABLE.

LOOK, SAVE THE WORRIED WIFE ROUTINE FOR THE DOC...

AND, UH, COME WITH ME TO WOODY'S.

I DON'T WANT TO...

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WOODY'S. COME ON.

IT'S PART OF THE TOUR.

ON YOUR LEFT, A NOSTALGIC RECREATION OF YOUR MISSPENT YOUTH.

YOU'LL LOVE IT. UH...

YEAH, SURE.

I STINK. I NEED A SHOWER.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT JUSTIN'S CONDITION?

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO JUSTIN?

IS HE ALL RIGHT? HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

OW, SHIT!

MRS. TAYLOR, IS JUSTIN ALL RIGHT?

WILL YOU BE GOING TO THE SENTENCING?

JESUS CHRIST, WHAT WAS THAT?

THEY WERE WAITING FOR US WHEN WE GOT HOME.

SOMEONE FROM THE HOSPITAL MUST HAVE TOLD THEM

JUSTIN WAS BEING RELEASED.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHAT? OH, JESUS.

SOME ASSHOLE OUT THERE BUMPED INTO ME

AND MADE ME SPILL MY MARINARA ALL OVER MYSELF.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO ON THE ANGEL HAIR, NOT YOU.

OH. WAIT TILL YOU SEE ALL THE SUPPORTERS

WE HAVE GOT COMING TO THE COURTROOM.

UH, DEBBIE, I... JUST BROUGHT JUSTIN HOME.

I CAN'T SUBJECT HIM TO ALL THAT.

OH, SURE. I UNDERSTAND.

WHOA! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

IT'S... IT WASN'T ANY TROUBLE.

SHE COOKED IT.

I MADE JUSTIN'S FAVOURITE,

CHICKEN PARMIGIANA. WELL,

I'M SURE HE'S GOING TO LOVE IT, IF I CAN JUST GET HIM TO EAT.

OF COURSE HE'LL EAT.

OF COURSE I'LL EAT.

SUNSHINE!

SWEETHEART, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING A NAP.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

DON'T I LOOK IT?

GOOD AS NEW.

AH, BETTER.

HUH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE PRAYED...

OH, FOR THIS MOMENT,

TO SEE YOU STANDING THERE...

TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

SHIT! HUH.

YOU COME AND GIVE ME A KISS, HONEY.

OH!

WHAT'S WRONG? UH, SWEETHEART.

HONEY, IT'S JUST...

MARINARA SAUCE. IT'S OKAY.

I'M SORRY.

SO, WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN AND EAT?

YEAH, I-I'LL NUKE UP, UH, THE REST OF THE SAUCE,

WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

AND I'LL WASH THE BABY FIELD GREENS,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WEEDS.

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUN UPSTAIRS

AND GET CLEANED UP?

OKAY.

"HONEY." "SWEETIE." "SUNSHINE."

JUST 'CAUSE CHRIS HOBBS FUCKING BASHES ME IN THE HEAD,

SUDDENLY EVERYBODY WANTS TO INFANTALIZE ME.

YOU COULD HAVE DIED, YOU KNOW.

I WAS THERE. THEY'RE GOING TO FREAK

WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU'RE GONE.

I LEFT A NOTE.

"BACK SOON. LOVE AND KISSES."

WILL YOU BE OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT I HAVE TO FIND HIM.

THANK YOU.

HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

AH! DON'T TOUCH ME.

AH. SO.

HOW ARE THE BOYS OF PORTLAND?

I BET WITH ALL THAT... RAIN,

THEY ALL HAVE PERFECT PEACHES AND CREAM CHEEKS.

I... HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO DO A BUTT-CHECK.

BESIDES, DAVID AND I HAVE BETTER WAYS OF SPENDING OUR EVENINGS.

LIKE WHAT? WE COOK AND WE READ

AND WE LISTEN TO MUSIC.

AND... CHECK EACH OTHER'S PULSES

TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?

YOU KNOW, IF IT WAS ME, I'D BE OUT EVERY NIGHT...

TOPPING THE TALL TIMBER. YEAH,

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION LAWS.

BUT, MIKEY,

TELL ME. I NEED TO KNOW.

DOES A LUMBERJACK OFF?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

NOTHING-THE-FUCK IS GOING ON.

YOU'RE A FUCKING, FALL-DOWN MESS.

I'M BEAUTIFUL.

I'LL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL, YOU SAID THAT YOURSELF.

YOU WANT SOME?

YOU'VE CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM EVERYONE

INCLUDING ME.

YOU'RE DRINKING...

CHRIST, LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

OH, WELL.

MAYBE YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.

WHAT ARE YOU? MY GODDAMN MOTHER?

YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU BELONG, AND...

READ AND COOK AND LISTEN TO MUZAK WITH DAVID,

AND I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU GONE TO SEE JUSTIN?

BECAUSE...

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO FOR HIM.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

HEY, THEY SEND THAT GUY TO JAIL?

HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? DON'T TOUCH ME.

GIVE HIM SOME ROOM.

JUSTIN, IT'S ME, MICHAEL.

WELL, ARE YOU JUST GOING TO FUCKING STAND THERE?

THE FIRST MARRIAGE SHE WAS REGISTERED AT TIFFANY'S.

THE SECOND, POTTERY BARN.

THE THIRD, THE BIG Q.

PATHETIC, ISN'T IT?

STRAIGHT PEOPLE AND THEIR SILLY LITTLE RITUALS.

OH, COME ON, MEL, YOU KNOW IF IT WAS LEGAL

FOR YOU AND LINDSAY TO GET MARRIED, YOU WOULD.

WELL, WE CAN'T, SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

THE BRIDE REQUESTS NO SMOKING.

OH, UH, FUCK THE BRIDE.

HELLO, MELANIE.

LYNNETTE. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

JUST LIKE THEY'VE ALL BEEN.

THANK YOU.

THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS.

IT WAS A CAPON.

WELL, IT TASTED LIKE CHICKEN.

I WAS JUST SAYING, I...

I BET YOU'RE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT HONEYMOON.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO THIS TIME?

BORNEO.

BORNEO. AH.

DON'T THEY HAVE A LOT OF PIGS THERE?

WELL!

I'M HAVING A MUCH BETTER TIME THAN I THOUGHT.

WELL...

TIME TO CUT THE CAKE.

AND YOU...

YOU PROMISED TO TOAST THE HAPPY COUPLE.

RIGHT. I DID.

BUT BEFORE YOU DO,

I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU.

FOR TOASTING MY OWN SISTER AT HER WEDDING?

NO, I MEAN, UH,

FOR NOT... EMBARRASSING ME.

YOU KNOW, NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST MELANIE,

AND YOU KNOW I ADORE GUS, BUT...

CONSIDERING IT IS MY WEDDING...

THIRD WEDDING.

AFTER ALL, IT'S JUST... DIDN'T SEE ANY REASON

FOR PEOPLE TO BE SUBJECTED TO...

AN UNDIGNIFIED DISPLAY OF MY PRIVATE LIFE.

EXCUSE ME,

EVERYONE. I'M LINDSAY, LYNNETTE'S SISTER,

AND I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE HER AND HER HUSBAND

ON THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.

TO STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

AND TO DECLARE YOUR LOVE AND COMMITMENT

IN THE EYES OF GOD AND... THE LAW

IS A PRIVILEGE...

NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I'VE SHARED A COMMITMENT WITH MY PARTNER

FOR SIX WONDERFUL YEARS,

EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE.

BUT THAT SHOULDN'T STOP TWO PEOPLE

FROM DOING WHAT THEY TRULY WANT,

SHOULD IT?

SO I'D LIKE TO ASK MY BELOVED,

MELANIE...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

OH!

THE DOCTOR SAID IF CHRIS HOBBS HAD HIT ME

A FRACTION OF AN INCH THIS WAY,

OR THAT WAY,

OR AT A DIFFERENT ANGLE,

OR EVEN A LITTLE BIT HARDER,

I'D BE A COMPLETE VEGETABLE,

OR DEAD.

AS IT IS, HE ONLY DAMAGED THE CEREBRAL MOTOR STRIP.

IS THAT WHERE THEY DRAGRACE THROUGH YOUR BRAIN?

NO. IT'S THE PART OF THE CEREBRAL CORTEX THAT CONTROLS MOTOR SKILLS.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS. I ATTENDED THE EIGHTH GRADE.

THEY HAD TO DRILL THROUGH MY SKULL TO RELEASE ALL THE BLOOD.

COOL.

THEY SAY I MAY NEVER DRAW AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE

THEY'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN OR...

DRAW AGAIN OR...

PISS AGAIN, SO THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY DO,

YOU'LL THINK THEY'RE GENIUSES

AND THEY CAN CHARGE YOU WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME AND SEE ME?

WHAT FOR?

CONSIDERING THAT I WAS IN A COMA FOR TWO WEEKS,

AND REHAB FOR A MONTH,

TRYING TO RE-LEARN HOW TO THROW A FUCKING WHIFFLE BALL.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO REGAIN THE AGILITY AND THE STRENGTH IN YOUR HAND,

I SUGGEST JERKING OFF SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC.

YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS STILL ALIVE.

I'M SURE I WOULD HAVE HEARD IF YOU WEREN'T.

BESIDES, I'M NOT YOUR OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST.

I'M NOT YOUR TRAUMA SPECIALIST. I'M NOT EVEN YOUR GODDAMNED MOTHER

SITTING THERE HOLDING YOUR HAND. I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU.

I STILL DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

LAST THING I DO REMEMBER IS YOU TELLING ME

THAT YOU WOULDN'T COME TO MY PROM.

BUT THEY SAID THAT YOU SHOWED UP AFTER ALL.

AND THAT WE DANCED TOGETHER.

AND THAT IT WAS AMAZING.

DAPHNE SAID THAT WE WERE AMAZING.

WE WERE ALL RIGHT.

SHIT!

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER THAT.

AND THEN...

I WALKED WITH YOU...

BACK OUT TO YOUR JEEP.

AND THAT'S WHEN CHRIS HOBBS CAME OUT WITH THE BASEBALL BAT...

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

I CAN'T.

THIS IS JUST STUFF THAT...

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME.

IT'S LIKE...

A STORY THAT HAPPENED TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

YEAH, WELL, I CAN REMEMBER. I CAN REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

I SAW HIM.

HE WAS COMING AFTER YOU WITH THE BAT.

BUT HE WAS MOVING TOO FAST, AND YOU WERE TOO FAR AWAY.

JUSTIN!

I RAN.

BUT THERE WAS NO TIME TO STOP IT.

AND THEN HE SWUNG.

AND IT WAS TOO LATE.

THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.

AND THEN YOU JUST LAY THERE ON THE COLD CEMENT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO. OH...

GOD!

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

HMM. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

OH, GOD, THAT OLD BIDDY

WHO WRESTLED ME FOR THIS THING,

SHE HAD ONE HELL OF A GRIP.

MMMM. TRY THIS.

MMMM-HM-HM.

LET ME GIVE A PIECE OF THIS TO MY ROOMMATE,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S... HAPPILY MARRIED, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY IF YOU PUT A PIECE OF WEDDING CAKE

UNDER YOUR PILLOW, YOU'LL GET, UH,

YOU'LL GET ICING ALL OVER YOUR PILLOWCASE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHY DON'T YOU, UH,

SHOW YOURSELF RIGHT INTO MY BEDROOM,

THROUGH THERE. OKAY.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE MINUTE.

THANKS.

FOR WHAT?

THE RIDE. SAVING ME.

I DIDN'T SAVE YOU.

I MEANT TONIGHT.

SO... WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?

YEAH, YOU'LL SEE ME.

WELL, DON'T WAIT TOO LONG.

AT THIS RATE, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG I'LL BE AROUND?

JUSTIN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS?

HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE LIKE THAT?

I LEFT YOU A NOTE.

COME INSIDE.

OKAY, COME ON, COME ON BE QUIET.

HOW ABOUT ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD?

SIX IS MY LUCKY NUMBER.

OH, SUPER. OKAY.

I LEFT YOU MY NUMBER BY THE BED.

YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING?

OKAY, SCRAM.

OW. OW! SHHH. CALL ME.

AH-H-AH.

SO, UM...

HOW WAS YOUR PIECE OF CAKE?

MOM. MOM, PLEASE. Mrs. Petersen:

MOM, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP CRYING? Did she put you up to it?

NO, SHE DID NOT PUT ME UP TO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, BLAME THE JEW.

DAMNIT, MOTHER, IF LYNNETTE CAN GET MARRIED,

THREE TIMES, THEN WHY THE HELL CAN'T I?

WELL, FRANKLY, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

Two women do not get married. LOVE TO DADDY.

How can we show our faces? What are...

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE VIDEO.

Do you know how many weddings we're invited to this season?

And anniversary parties?

BITCH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE THIS UPSET.

FEAR NOT.

IN TIME THEY'LL SWEEP IT UNDER THEIR WASPY RUG,

AND FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANT TO FORGET ABOUT IT.

I WANT FULL AND EQUAL RECOGNITION,

IF NOT UNDER THE LAW, THEN AT LEAST IN MY OWN PARENTS' HOUSE.

I'D COUNT ON GETTING HITCHED IN MISSISSIPPI FIRST.

MMMM. AH-H...

CAN'T WE STAY IN BED A LITTLE LONGER?

OH-H-H.

YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YOU WEREN'T SERIOUS?

I WAS DEAD SERIOUS.

WHY DO THEY GET TO RECEIVE EVERYONE'S BLESSINGS AND PRESENTS

AND WE DON'T? I KNEW IT HAD TO DO WITH PRESENTS.

LOOK, WE CAN'T GET MARRIED.

I MEAN, FOR ONE THING IT'S NOT LEGAL, ONLY SYMBOLIC,

AND FOR ANOTHER, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WEDDINGS.

THEY'RE ANTIQUATED...

MEANINGLESS RITUALS FOR HETEROSEXUALS.

I'VE HEARD. LINZ, WE HAVE A MARRIAGE...

AND A FAMILY...

SIX YEARS STRONG,

GIVE OR TAKE A FEW BUMPS IN THE ROAD.

AND AS NICE AS IT WOULD BE

TO HAVE A PARTY AND PAYBACK, FINALLY,

FOR ALL THE WEDDING GIFTS WE'VE SHELLED OUT FOR THROUGHOUT THE YEARS,

WE DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT TO PROVE TO OURSELVES WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

NOW COME ON.

LET'S GO AND GRAB OUR KID AND GET SOME BRUNCH.

I MEAN, IF I'D KNOWN HOW MANY MEN YOU COULD MEET AT STRAIGHT FUNCTIONS,

I'D HAVE STARTED GOING YEARS AGO.

LEAVE IT TO YOU TO SNIFF OUT THE ONE TRUFFLE IN THE GARDEN.

MMM, I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.

I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS ABOUT THE GROOM.

OH, YOU MEAN LINDSAY'S SISTER

MIGHT ACTUALLY BREAK HER OWN RECORD.

HOW ABOUT YOU, MICHAEL?

HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT ON THE TOWN?

MMMM.

HE BROUGHT HOME A NICE CENTREPIECE OF HIS OWN.

JEEZ, EM.

WELL.

YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME, DID YOU?

IN TOWN LESS THAN 24 HOURS AND...

WHY SHOULDN'T HE GET A LITTLE ACTION?

HE'S OUTSIDE THE REQUIRED 400-MILE LIMIT

FOR EXTRA-MARITAL QUICKIES AND ANONYMOUS ASSIGNATIONS.

MIND YOU, IF YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING FURTHER,

YOU'LL NEED OVERSEAS TRAVEL AND A MINIMUM 14-DAY STAY.

I JUST THOUGHT, WITH EVERYTHING YOU WROTE, THAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU AND DAVID WERE SO IN LOVE, SO COMMITTED...

EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS ITS OWN SET OF RULES.

THEIR ARRANGEMENT IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

RIGHT, SWEETIE?

NOW WHO WANTS A POTSTICKER?

WE BROKE UP.

WHAT?

IT'S OVER.

DAVID AND I ARE OVER.

MMM, GOD. YOU KNOW,

THESE ARE THE BEST PAN-FRIED DUMPLINGS I'VE EVER HAD.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE JUST SAID?

HE BROKE UP.

YOU BROKE UP.

SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

I WAS GOING TO. WHEN?

AFTER YOU'D CONVINCED US

THAT YOU'D FOUND PARADISE LOST?

WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT.

YOU KNOW,

BUT THERE'S NEVER A RIGHT TIME

TO ADMIT THAT YOU'VE FAILED.

YOU HAD THIS GREAT OPPORTUNITY

TO START YOUR LIFE OVER

WITH SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVED OR...

THOUGHT YOU LOVED, AND...

YOU BLEW IT.

I BLEW IT.

I COMPLAINED THAT DAVID WAS WORKING TOO MUCH,

AND THAT I COULDN'T FIND A JOB,

AND THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS,

AND WHEN I ACCUSED HIM OF BEING THOUGHTLESS AND NOT CARING,

AND SAID THAT IF I'D KNOWN IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE COME, HE SAID...

"WELL, GO HOME, MICHAEL.

GO HOME."

WELL...

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT YOU FAILED.

AND... YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT TRUE

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS,

'CAUSE YOU STILL GOT US.

AND AS FOR COMING HOME,

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO SHAME IN THAT.

IT'S WHAT IT'S HERE FOR.

THE FACT THAT CHRISTOPHER HOBBS PLED GUILTY

TO ASSAULT CHARGES FOR HIS VICIOUS ATTACK ON JUSTIN TAYLOR

IN NO WAY MITIGATES THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE CRIME,

OR THE TRAGIC EFFECTS ON THESE YOUNG MEN'S LIVES.

BOTH WERE HONOUR STUDENTS AT ST. JAMES ACADEMY.

BOTH HAD PLANNED TO ATTEND COLLEGE.

NOW ONE YOUNG MAN IS RECOVERING FROM SERIOUS BRAIN INJURIES,

AND THE OTHER IS FACING A PRISON SENTENCE.

I ASK MYSELF HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

CHRIS HOBBS IS A HOMOPHOBIC ANIMAL SHH.

WHO SHOULD BE PUT AWAY. SHH.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW PROFOUNDLY DISTURBING IT MUST HAVE BEEN

FOR A YOUNG MAN OF CHRIS HOBBS' FINE, MORAL UPBRINGING,

TO BE APPROACHED SEXUALLY BY A FELLOW STUDENT,

THEN TO SEE HIM FLAUNT HIS LIFESTYLE

BY BRINGING HIS MALE LOVER TO THE PROM, AND ENGAGE IN

WHAT HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A HIGHLY PROVOCATIVE DANCE.

GIVEN THE FACT THAT HE WAS DRINKING,

WHICH HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN,

I COULD UNDERSTAND HOW CHRIS HOBBS MIGHT LOSE CONTROL

OF HIS BETTER JUDGMENT. STILL...

IT DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS ACTIONS.

AND SO I HAVE STRUGGLED

TO FIND THE APPROPRIATE SENTENCE

TO IMPOSE FOR THIS UNFORTUNATE CRIME.

COURT WILL RECESS FOR 10 MINUTES.

WHERE THE FUCK'S HE GOING?

IT'S A HELL OF A TIME TO LEAVE.

GREAT SUSPENSE.

IT'S HOW HE GOT HIS NAME, REGULAR ROY.

EVERY DAY AT 12:15
ON THE DOT

HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM ACROSS THE HALL,

SITS IN THE STALL UNDER THE WINDOW,

TAKES A DUMP AND HAS A SMOKE.

NO WAY! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.

WOULDN'T MATTER WHO HE WAS SENTENCING.

CHRISTOPHER MARK HOBBS,

THIS COURT ACCEPTS YOUR PLEA OF GUILTY FOR SIMPLE ASSAULT.

BECAUSE OF YOUR AGE, THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NO PREVIOUS OFFENCES,

AND BECAUSE YOU WERE UNDULY PROVOKED,

YOU ARE HEREBY GIVEN A TWO-YEAR SUSPENDED SENTENCE

AND ORDERED TO SERVE 500 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE.

NO. NO.

CAN HE DO THAT?

NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

JUST A SLAP ON THE WRIST, JUDGE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S PRACTICALLY A FUCKING MURDERER.

HOW'D HE GET OFF SCOT-FREE?

MADE A DEAL.

HIS LAWYER AGREED TO PLEAD GUILTY.

THE PROSECUTOR REDUCED THE CHARGES

FROM AGGRAVATED TO SIMPLE ASSAULT,

AND ROY SENT HIM OFF WITH PROBATION AND SERVICE.

YEAH, WELL I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO SERVICE.

HE'D HAVE GOTTEN MORE FOR... BASHING A DOG.

IT'S OKAY, MA. LET'S GO HOME.

GET SOME REST. DAMN RIGHT I'M GOING HOME.

BUT NOT TO REST. I'M GOING TO CALL EVERY P-FLAG CHAPTER IN THIS COUNTRY.

I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS.

NOT FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND.

WE'RE GOING TO MARCH.

WE'RE GOING TO CARRY HUGE SIGNS

THAT LET THIS ASSHOLE JUDGE KNOW WHAT WE THINK OF HIM.

THAT'S ENOUGH. AND WE'RE GOING TO MARCH

ON WASHINGTON IF WE HAVE TO.

SIS. DO YOU HEAR THAT!

JUST... NOW SETTLE DOWN.

WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON.

SETTLE DOWN. COME ON, SIS. THAT'S ENOUGH.

IT'S OKAY, MA. IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY. HE'S NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.

WE'LL MARCH. WE'LL PROTEST.

BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.

ALL PROTESTS ARE BULLSHIT.

I MEAN, A BUNCH OF WELL-MEANING DO-GOODERS

MARCHING AROUND CARRYING SIGNS,

CHANTING?

"HEY, HEY, HO, HO, HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO."

GIVE ME A GODDAMN FUCKING BREAK.

SO, I GUESS THIS MEANS

YOU'RE... NOT GOING WITH US?

HELL NO, I WON'T GO.

SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT THERE ON YOUR ASS

AND DO NOTHING. YEAH. I GUESS SO.

JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO ALL THESE WEEKS

WITHOUT YOU HERE TO HARANGUE ME?

WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING BACK ANYWAY?

I'M NOT.

I KNOW.

WHY? DID TED AND EMMETT TELL YOU?

NO, I MANAGED TO FIGURE IT OUT ALL BY MY LITTLE SELF.

I MEAN...

I KNEW IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

RIGHT AS USUAL.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME, ASSHOLE. IT'S ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU'D BE HAPPY IN WISCONSIN,

PLAYING THE DOCTOR'S WIFE?

OREGON. PORTLAND'S IN OREGON.

WHEREVER THE FUCK.

WELL MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I BELONG.

THERE. THAT'S WHERE.

NOW...

WILL YOU GO ON AND HELP YOUR MOM?

AND... MAKE THE WORLD SAFE FOR FAGS.

WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS OUR OLD CHEMISTRY BOOK?

YEAH, IT IS, FROM HIGH SCHOOL. YEAH, THAT'S, UM...

I'M DOING SOME RESEARCH. I HAVE A NEW CLIENT

AT A DRUG COMPANY.

OH. WELL, YOU MUST BE THRILLED.

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET "E" WHOLESALE.

AFTER SPENDING 14 HOURS GLUED TO A TOILET SEAT,

THE JUDGE WAS UNHARMED BUT BADLY SHAKEN.

SO FAR THERE ARE NO CLUES OR SUSPECTS.

THE SEAT OF JUSTICE HAS BEEN SEVERELY COMPROMISED.

NO SKIN OFF MY ASS.

BET HE WISHES HE COULD SAY THE SAME THING.

WELL, WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT?

SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T LIKE WAITING FOR HIS SENTENCE.

ONE THING YOU CAN SAY FOR SURE,

THAT MUST HAVE SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?

THAT TIME IN CHEMISTRY CLASS

WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO INVENT SYNTHETIC CUM,

AND YOU MADE THAT GOO.

YOU PUT IT ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT IN THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE,

AND MRS. RENFREW GOT GLUED TO IT.

I BETTER TAKE OFF.

I KNEW THEY'D LET HIM GO.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT US. THEY WANT US ALL DEAD.

LOOK. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY?

JUST FOCUS ON WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

SHIT.

FUCK!

COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT.

NAH, I CAN'T.

YES, YOU CAN. COME ON.

HEY, THAT ONE WAS GOOD, JUSTIN.

OH, DAPH, YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT.

HI, HONEY.

HELLO, DAPHNE. HEY.

HELLO, MRS. TAYLOR.

HELLO, BRIAN.

WE WERE JUST TOSSING THE BALL.

I THINK YOU SHOULD REST NOW.

I'M NOT TIRED.

I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO BRIAN.

COME ON, DAPH.

THE DAY THE DOCTOR SENT HIM HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL,

HE SAID HE'D NEVER SEEN SUCH A DETERMINED PATIENT,

AND HE ASKED ME WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE HIM WORK SO HARD.

I-I KNEW, BUT I DIDN'T TELL HIM.

IT WAS YOU.

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DIDN'T COME TO SEE HIM

WAS MORE INCENTIVE FOR HIM TO GET BETTER

AND GET OUT SO THAT HE COULD COME TO SEE YOU.

OF COURSE WHAT JUSTIN DIDN'T KNOW,

AND I DIDN'T TELL HIM WAS

THAT YOU WERE THERE, EVERY NIGHT.

THE NURSE ON DUTY TOLD ME.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THAT,

BUT HE'S HOME NOW, SAFE AND SOUND,

AND THERE ISN'T ANY REASON ANY MORE

FOR YOU TO WATCH OVER HIM, SO...

SO I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LEAVE

AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I CARE ABOUT HIM.

IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU HE WAS ALMOST KILLED.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLUNT.

I'VE TRIED TO ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS,

TO ACCEPT YOUR WORLD AND THAT HE'S PART OF IT.

I'VE EVEN TRIED TO ACCEPT YOU.

AND AS A RESULT, I NEARLY LOST HIM.

AND I DON'T INTEND TO LOSE HIM AGAIN.

SO IF YOU CARE ABOUT HIM...

AND I BELIEVE YOU...

I BELIEVE YOU DO...

YOU'LL DO WHAT I ASK,

AND RETURN MY SON TO ME.