Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 6 - Now Approaching... The Line - full transcript

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

FIVE, SIX
TAKE IT, DUDE

ONE, TWO

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

[ Knocking On Door ]

[ Sighing ]

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M THE GUY
YOU FUCKED
LAST NIGHT.

OH, YEAH.

WERE YOU ANY GOOD?

[ Knocking On Door ]



OKAY! I'M COMING.

AND YOU'RE GOING.

HI. WE JUST HAPPENED TO
BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
SO I--

ARE WE
INTERRUPTING
SOMETHING?

NOT AT ALL.
WE'RE ALL DONE.

THIS YOUR KID?

UH, YES.

OH-HO! HE
IS PRECIOUS!

HELLO! HELLO.

OH, BABY.
HELLO, BABY. HELLO.

WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN.

YEAH. SURE.

LET ME GUESS,
YOUR ITALIAN TUTOR?

LINDSAY:
[ Chuckling ]



GRAZIE.

YOU KNOW,
IF YOU VISITED
ONCE IN A WHILE,

WE WOULDN'T
NEED TO DROP BY
UNANNOUNCED.

TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

YOU CAN'T EXACTLY BLAME HER,
THE WAY YOU BEHAVE.

SHE'S JUST
JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE
THINKS YOU LOVE ME

MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER.

AND SHE'S RIGHT.

LOOK, WE HAVE
A CHILD NOW.

YEAH, YOU AND ME.

AND MELANIE!

SO, ONE WAY
OR ANOTHER,

WE ALL HAVE TO GET ALONG.

GUS:
[ Cooing ]

I'LL TRY.
IF SHE DOUCHES.

[ Humorless
Chuckle ]

I THOUGHT WE COULD
TRY SOMETHING SMALL,

A NICE, CIVILIZED,
HOME-COOKED MEAL?

SEASONED WITH A DASH
OF RAT POISON?

I WAS THINKING GARLIC.
THERE'S A CHICKEN THING
I WANT TO TRY.

IT HAS 40 CLOVES!
COULD YOU STOMACH THAT?

THE CHICKEN, OR MELANIE?

FRIDAY, EARLY? SO YOU
CAN STILL HIT THE BARS?

[ Light Sigh ]

I HAVE 35 CENTS
OFF THE KITTIE BITES.

OH, WE DO COUPONS
AT THE END, AND, UH,
THAT ONE EXPIRED.

MARLEY, ARE YOU
FREE TONIGHT?

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A MAN
TO ASK ME THAT?

I NEED SOMEBODY
TO STAY LATE AND HELP ME
WITH INVENTORY.

MARLEY: OH, SORRY.
I'VE GOT CHURCH
CHOIR PRACTICE.

WELL, THAT'S
A NEW EXCUSE.

HOW MANY TIMES CAN
MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER
BE ON HER DEATHBED?

CUSTOMER: I HAVE A COUPON
FOR THE JOHNNY BOWL TOO.

I'M JUST FLUSHED
WITH EXCITEMENT,
PRINCESS.

MIKE, IF YOU NEED SOMEONE
TO STAY LATE, I'M FREE.

YOU ARE?

THAT'D BE GREAT.
IT WILL ONLY TAKE
A COUPLE OF HOURS.

SHE WOULDN'T
MIND IF IT
TOOK ALL NIGHT.
MARLEY.

SO WE'LL MEET
AFTER CLOSING.

GREAT! I'LL
SEE YOU THEN.

JUST BE CAREFUL YOU
TWO DON'T GET CAUGHT

ON THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS.
[ Giggles ]

WE USED TO SHARE
THINGS. WE...

ENJOYED EACH OTHER.

JENNIFER:
BUT NOW I, UH--

I TALK TO HIM, HE SLAMS
THE DOOR, RUNS AWAY.

AND HE LIES.

HE SAYS HE'S
SPENDING THE NIGHT AT DAPHNE'S,
BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT.

AND I FOUND THINGS.

WHAT SORT OF THINGS?

UH, DRAWINGS,

SKETCHES THAT
HE DID, OF...

MEN.

NAKED.

I JUST HAVE...

TO KNOW.

IF JUSTIN MIGHT BE GAY?

[ Sigh ]

JENNIFER:
HE'S ONLY 17.

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING
THOSE FEELINGS, TO BE--

JUSTIN, HOW CAN
YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
NOW WHO YOU ARE?

THERAPIST:
JUSTIN.

DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?

I LIKE DICK.

I WANNA GET
FUCKED BY DICK.

I WANNA
SUCK DICK.

I LIKE
SUCKING DICK.

AND I'M GOOD AT IT TOO.

WELL,

THAT'S A START.

YOUR EXISTING CAMPAIGN
IS SOLID, MR. TELSON,

BUT YOU NEED MORE
MUSCLE TO BREAK OUT

OF THE
BORING FAMILY
MARKET BOX.

TARGET MALES,
OF COURSE. 18 TO 34.

FEATURE SPEED,
FASHION, VISIBILITY.

YOU SPONSOR
A NASCAR TEAM,

BUT YOU NEED A CAMPAIGN
TO MAX THE INVESTMENT.

TV, PRINT,
SELECTED WEBSITES.

MAN:
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
MR. TELSON,

UH, BRIAN IS OUR
MOST DYNAMIC AND
CREATIVE ACCOUNT EXEC.

HIS CAMPAIGNS
HAVE WON CLIO
AWARDS FOR US.

UH-HUH.

MR. TELSON:
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE... FOR YOU.

HOW DOES THAT TRANSLATE
TO NATIONAL SALES FOR ME?

MAN:
WELL, UH, MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN

AND FLESH OUT THE
STRATEGY WITH HIM.

HE'S ALSO, UH,
ONE HELL OF A HOST.

HE CAN GET YOU
INTO ALL THE
TOP RESTAURANTS.

HE CAN GET YOU
THE BEST TICKETS
TO THE GAMES.

TELL ME, DO YOU
LIKE BASEBALL,
MR. TELSON?

MR. TELSON:
I'M PRETTY TIRED AFTER
THE FLIGHT THIS MORNING AND...

I'VE GOT A FULL SET
OF MEETINGS TOMORROW.

WELL, HOW ABOUT
TOMORROW NIGHT?

BRIAN: THE PIRATES
ARE PLAYING.

WE HAVE COMPANY SEATS
ON THE FIRST BASELINE.

WELL IF I HAVE
ANY TIME, I'LL
GIVE YOU A CALL.

MR. TELSON:
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
WOMAN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BRIAN:
I KNOW WHAT THE SON OF A
BITCH IS UP TO.

HE'S PLAYING US AGAINST
EVERY OTHER AGENCY IN TOWN,
PUMPING US FOR OUR BEST IDEAS,

AND HE'LL TAKE THEM
WHERE HE WANTS TO.

YOU JUST MAKE SURE WHERE
HE WANTS TO GO IS HERE.

[ Mixed Chatter ]

BRIAN: WELL,
IF I DON'T GET THIS ACCOUNT,
I'LL BE FUCKED.

AND WITHOUT LUBE.

AND THAT'S
A BAD THING?

DEBBIE:
IT'S AMAZING HOW
YOU ALWAYS WORK

ANAL INTERCOURSE
INTO THE CONVERSATION.

BRIAN: HEY, YOU
TRY SPENDING AN EVENING

WITH SOME BACKSLAPPING
BREEDER FROM ALTOONA,

SMOKING CIGARS
AND TALKING
ABOUT PUSSY.

TED:
I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT
YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT PUSSY.

THAT IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'VE GOT ONE,

BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH A DICK.

DEBBIE:
MOVE OVER.

DEBBIE:
SO YOU BOYS IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING SWEET,

OR ARE YOU GONNA
PICK UP A LITTLE SOMETHING
AT WOODY'S?

[ Chuckles ]
MA, STOP
PINCHING MY CHEEKS.

DEBBIE:
OH, BEND OVER SO I CAN
PINCH THE OTHER ONES!

[ Laughing ]

I'VE GOT SOME TAX REPORTS
TO GO OVER. SCOOT.

I WOULD THINK
AFTER CHECKING OUT
NUMBERS ALL DAY

YOU'D LIKE TO COME
CHECK OUT SOME NUMBERS AT NIGHT.

WELL, IN LIGHT OF MY
RECENT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,

I'VE DECIDED
TO TAKE ACCOUNT
OF MY NEAR-LIFE.

WOODY'S AND BABYLON
ARE NO LONGER
DEDUCTIBLE EXPENSES.

EMMETT:
HE'LL BE BACK.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S,
UH, IT'S JUST US.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS.

MORE LIKE
THE POINTER SISTERS.
[ Chuckles ]

- I CAN'T GO EITHER.
- WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

MICHAEL:
I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE STORE.
WE'RE RESTOCKING.

EMMETT:
POOR BABY.

SPEND THE ENTIRE EVENING ALONE
IN THAT DREARY CRAP EMPORIUM?

MICHAEL:
TRACY WILL
BE THERE.

YOUR
BRIDE-TO-BE?

SHE'S NOT MY
BRIDE-TO-BE.

THEN YOU CAN TELL HER
WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

EMMETT:
I AGREE.
I ALWAYS SAY, COME CLEAN,

OR DON'T COME AT ALL.

MICHAEL:
I CAN'T. WHERE I WORK,
THEY LAUGH AT FAGGOTS.

BRIAN: HEY, THE ONLY FAGGOTS
WORTH LAUGHING AT ARE THE ONES
WHO DON'T TELL THE TRUTH.

DON'T BE ONE
OF THOSE ASSHOLES
WHO HIDES, MIKEY.

AND STOP LEADING HER ON.

WHO'S LEADING
HER ON? WE'RE...

COUNTING CARTONS
OF TOILET PAPER!

YEAH, WHICH YOU CAN USE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FULL
OF SHIT.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

MICHAEL:
OKAY, WE'VE DONE TOILET PAPER,
PAPER TOWELS,

PAPER NAPKINS,
PAPER PLATES--

TRACY?

TRACE?

I'M HERE!
WHERE?

IN FEMININE HYGIENE.

I'M CHECKING PANTY-LINERS.
LIGHT DAYS AND HEAVY DAYS.

SO HOW WE DOING?

WE'RE HEAVY
ON LIGHT DAYS,

AND LIGHT ON HEAVY DAYS.

GOTCHA.
LET'S MOVE ON.

IT'S ALWAYS
WORK WITH YOU!

DON'T YOU
EVER HAVE FUN?
YEAH, I HAVE FUN.

I HAVE LOTS OF FUN.
REALLY?

'CAUSE YOU NEVER
WANT TO GO OUT
WITH US AFTER WORK.

- I'VE GONE OUT WITH YOU GUYS.
- ONCE.

MARLEY SAYS NO
ONE KNOWS WHAT
YOU'RE REALLY LIKE,

THAT YOU PROBABLY
LEAD THIS DOUBLE LIFE.

SHE'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT WHO I
APPEAR TO BE.

BUT YOU HAVE
TO PROMISE NOT
TO TELL ANYONE.

TRUTH IS, WHEN
I WAS A BOY,

I WAS EXPOSED
TO A LASER LIGHT SHOW
AT A KISS CONCERT,

AND AFTER THAT
I DEVELOPED THE
STRANGE POWER

TO SEE INTO
PEOPLE'S MINDS,

TO READ THEIR
MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

[ Gruffly ]
"I'M GOING TO
ROB A BANK!"

"I'M GOING TO
BLOW UP A BRIDGE!"

[ Normally ]
AND SINCE THEN,
I SET OUT TO PREVENT CRIMES

BEFORE THEY
HAPPENED. AND
MY REAL NAME...

IS "LASER MAN"!

SO, LASER MAN,

WHAT AM I THINKING?

UM, WE SHOULD
PROBABLY GET
BACK TO WORK.

WHOA!
MIKE!

[ Dance ]

IF YOU TAKE YOUR
SHIRT OFF, YOU
GET A FREE DRINK.

I DON'T
SHOW MY TITS FOR
A WATERED-DOWN BUD.

GET ME A BEER?

GET YOUR OWN.
I'M TOO YOUNG.

WELL, THAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
YOUR MOM'S PROBABLY
WORRIED SICK.

[ Scoffing ]
SHE'S PATHETIC.

SHE TOOK ME
TO A FUCKING
WASTE-OF-TIME THERAPIST.

MAYBE SHE'S TRYING
TO UNDERSTAND YOU.

I DON'T WANT HER
TO UNDERSTAND ME.

I WANT HER TO
LEAVE ME ALONE.

WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS
DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
YOU WERE,

YOU KNOW, GAY?

THEY DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.

BECAUSE I NEVER
TOLD THEM.
YOU DIDN'T?

IT'S NOT THEIR LIFE.

I DON'T NEED
THEIR APPROVAL.

DAPH?

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

WHAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT?
MY MOM ANSWERED,
SHE SAID YOU WEREN'T THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO!

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

JUSTIN:
[ Worried Gasps ]

FUCK ME!

JUSTIN:
WHAT'SSHEDOING HERE?

DAPHNE: THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU! I SAID
YOU WERE HERE.

JUSTIN!

[ Deep Sighing ]
HE'S DOWN.

HE'LL BE UP.

YOU LOOK BEAT.

SO DO YOU.

COMING TO BED?
SOON.

I GOTTA GO OVER
THESE BRIEFS.

LISTEN, ABOUT FRIDAY?
MM-HMM?

YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY PLANS, DO YOU?

NOT THAT
I KNOW OF.
NOT WORKING LATE?

NO.

[ Deep Sigh ]

THAT'S GOOD,

BECAUSE I
INVITED BRIAN
FOR DINNER.
OH, CHRIST!

I THOUGHT
I'D MAKE THAT
CHICKEN YOU LIKE!

FORGET IT. I WOULDN'T LET HIM
TOUCH MY SILVERWARE KNOWING
WHERE HIS HANDS HAVE BEEN.

YOU KNOW, I WISH
THE TWO OF YOU WOULD
MAKE THE SLIGHTEST EFFORT

TO GET ALONG, SO I DON'T
HAVE TO BE THE "SMILING LESBIAN
IN THE MIDDLE."

WHO ASKED
YOU TO BE?

JUST LEAVE HIM
OUT OF MY LIFE.

HOW CAN WE?
HE'S GUS'S FATHER.

AS IF I NEED
TO BE REMINDED.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE AN
ALTERNATIVE FAMILY,

WHICH MEANS
TWOMOMMIES.

I'M THE ONE WITH
THE SUBSCRIPTION
TONEWSWEEK.

I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
ONLY THERE'S NOTHING ALTERNATIVE
ABOUT US.

WE'RE AS
FUCKED UP AS
ANY OTHER FAMILY

IN THE HISTORY
OF THE WORLD.

[ Chuckle ]

SO...

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT TO BE
A GOOD MOTHER.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

AND I WANT
YOU TO GIVE
BRIAN A CHANCE.

AW, YOU ALMOST
HAD ME THERE.

HE'S A GOOD PERSON.

HE'S A SELFISH
SHITHEAD!

MAYBE, BUT
HE'S HONEST!
[ Sighing ]

HE TELLS THE
TRUTH, AND HE
DOESN'T PRETEND.

YEAH, WELL I
WISH HE'D TRY.

I WISH YOU WOULD TOO.

[ Groan Of Anticipation ]

[ Playful Giggle ]

[ Dance ]

OH, MAN!
I'M SO HORNY.

I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME
FOR HOURS.

[ Whispering ]
AND I'M A TOP.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
ALL THE BIGGEST
BOTTOMS SAY.

OH, FUCK!

JESUS,
WHO'S THIS?

THAT'S THE PRESIDENT
OF MY FAN CLUB.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
MY MOM'S OUT OF CONTROL.

NOW SHE'S
FOLLOWING ME.

THAT MUST BE AN
INHERITED TRAIT.

I'M NOT GOING HOME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT
STAYING HERE!

THERE'S NOWHERE
ELSE I CAN GO.

DO YOU WANT ME TO
SLEEP ON THE STREET?
I COULD GET KILLED.

WHY DON'T YOU GET LOST,
YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE?
I WAS HERE FIRST.

BETTER YET,
WHY DON'T YOU?

[ Scoffing ]
BEAT IT.

FUCK YOU.
[ Chuckling ]
YEAH.

YOU'RE THE BOTTOM,
REMEMBER?

THANKS.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU,
I'M NOT YOUR LOVER,

I'M NOT YOUR PARTNER,
I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT
ANYTHING TO ME.

I COULD BE.

IF YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE.

[ Chuckling ]

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO TALK LIKE THAT?

WATCHING SOME TEEN DRAMA?

I NEED YOU!

NO, YOUTHINKYOU DO,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE TAUGHT TO THINK,

"WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER."

WELL, IT'S A
CROCK OF SHIT!

YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE YOU NEED.

YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE YOU'VE GOT.

THE COUCH.
JUST FOR TONIGHT.

AND DON'T JERK OFF ON IT.

MORNING, SWEET PEA.
[ Giggles ]

[ Groans Of
Discomfort ]

GOD, I AM
STILL STIFF.
STIFFER
THAN LAST NIGHT ?

HEY, YOU TWO,
LET'S KEEP IT CLEAN.

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT MY NECK.

YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN DOING MORE
THAN INVENTORY.

SHUT UP, MARLEY!
CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S IN PAIN?

IT'S THE WORST PAIN
I'VE EVER FELT
IN MY LIFE.

DID YOU TAKE
SOMETHING?

YEAH! LIKE,
TWO BOTTLES
OF TYLENOL.

THAT WON'T HELP.
YOU NEED A CHIROPRACTOR.

NO. I'M OKAY, REALLY.

A FRIEND OF MINE'S FIANCE
GOES TO SOMEONE

WHO DOES SOME
OF THE STEELERS.

HESWEARSBY HIM.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
YOU NEED
TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I CAN TELL

YOU'RE NOT VERY
GOOD AT THAT.

WOMAN:
RYDER WANTS
TO SEE YOU.

WELL, HE CAN GO
FUCK HIMSELF.

HE'S PISSED AT ME FOR
NOT LANDING TELSON.

HE WANTS
TO CHEW ME A
SECOND ASSHOLE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU
COULD USE ONE OF THOSE.

- MARVIN!
- I WAS JUST COMING TO SEE YOU.

WOMAN:
WELL, I'LL JUST
BE SURE AND GIVE

MR. RYDER
YOUR MESSAGE.

EXCUSE ME.

I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND ME DROPPING BY.

NOT AT ALL. ALTHOUGH
AFTER YESTERDAY, I SORT OF
GOT THE IMPRESSION--

WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW MISLEADING

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE.

AFTER YOU GET
TO KNOW SOMEBODY,
YOU DISCOVER

JUST HOW MUCH IN COMMON
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE.

SO SHALL WE LOOK
AT SOME IDEAS I HAVE?
GREAT.

OH, AND ABOUT
THIS EVENING,

I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TAKE YOU UP ON
YOUR OFFER TO, UH,

SHOW ME THE TOWN.

WELL,
I COULD HAVE CYNTHIA
MAKE US SOME RESERVATIONS.

YOU LIKE STEAKS?
I KNOW A GREAT CHOP HOUSE.

AND I COULD
GET US TICKETS
FOR TONIGHT'S GAME.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I HAD A DIFFERENT SORT
OF EVENING IN MIND.

YOU KNOW, THE SORT
OF EVENING THAT YOU MIGHT
PLAN FOR YOURSELF.

AND WHAT
SORT OF EVENING
IS THAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, ONE
THAT'S MORE FUN, LIKE
THIS CLUB THAT I HEARD ABOUT.

UH, BABYLON?

WHY, MARVIN.
YOU OLD DOG.

CHRIST. ISN'T
ANYONE STRAIGHT
ANYMORE?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Sighs Of Pain ]

HI.

I'M, UH, I'M
DR. CAMERON.

WHAT SEEMS TO
BE THE PROBLEM?

UM, NOTHING. NOTHING.

[ Chuckles ]
NOTHING AT ALL. I'M FINE.

[ Softly ]
OW.

HOW DID YOU
HURT YOURSELF?
UM,

I WAS WORKING
AT THE STORE.

I'M AN ASSISTANT MANAGER

AT THE "BIG Q"
OVER ON BUTLER.

I ACCIDENTALLY FELL.

OKAY, TURN
TO THE LEFT.

HOW'S THAT FEEL?

FINE.

TO THE RIGHT.

[ Groan Of Pain ]

AH. RIGHT THERE,
HUH?

[ Gasp Of Pain ]

CAN YOU LIE DOWN
ON YOUR BACK?

MM... SURE. ON MY BACK.

THIS IS MY
FAVORITE POSITION.

I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH!
[ Cracking Of Spine ]

DEBBIE:
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
SAKS FIFTH AVENUE,

HONEY, YOU MADE
THE WRONG TURN.
[ Chuckling ]

DEBBIE?

ONE AND ONLY!

UH--
HEY!

SUNSHINE'S MOM!

HOW'S JUSTIN?
HE DIDN'T COME
HOME LAST NIGHT,

AND I WAS HOPING YOU
MIGHT HAVE SEEN HIM.

UH, NO. I'M SORRY, UH,
SWEETIE. I WISH I HAD.

WELL, THANKS ANYWAY.
LISTEN-- WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT! HOLD ON!

L-LET ME
GET YOU SOME COFFEE.

I GAVE UP COFFEE.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

WELL, HOW ABOUT
SOME NICE HERBAL TEA,
THEN? HUH?

HAVE A SEAT!
COME ON!

LET'S SEE, UM,
WE GOT LEMON CREAM,

RASPBERRY PARFAIT,

COZY CHAMOMILE.

HOW IN HELL
DID A CONDOM
GET IN HERE?

HERE. "GET HAPPY."

YOU NEED IT.

SO, WHAT DOES
DAD SAY?
HE DOESN'T KNOW.

HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW?
YOU ALWAYS KNOW.

SAME REASON
I DIDN'T.

DIDN'T WANT TO.

BELIEVE ME,
THERE ARE FAR WORSE THINGS.

I JUST KEEP
THINKING IT'S MY--
IT'S NOT.

THAT I WAS--
YOU DIDN'T.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.

YEAH, I DO.

'CAUSE I ASKED MYSELF
ALL THE SAME THINGS.

SO YOU DON'T THINK
IT WAS BECAUSE I--
SMOTHERED HIM?

YOU SMOTHER
A PORK CHOP,

NOT A SON.

PEOPLE ARE
WHAT THEY ARE.

SO, DID HE TELL
YOU TO FUCK OFF?

WASN'T EVEN THE
WORST OF IT.

HE TOLD HIS THERAPIST
THAT HE LIKES...

DICK.

THERE, YOU SEE?

YOU ALREADY HAVE
SOMETHING IN COMMON.

I'M SURE YOU WERE
THINKING YOU'D PROBABLY

NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO SHARE AGAIN.

[ Chuckling ]

LISTEN,

THEY TALK BIG
AND THEY
ACT TOUGH,

BUT THE TRUTH
IS, THE THING HE'S
THE MOST AFRAID OF,

EVEN MORE
THAN HIS DAD
FINDING OUT

AND BEATING THE SHIT
OUT OF HIM,

IS THAT YOU'LL
STOP LOVING HIM.

I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

THEN YOU BE
SURE HE KNOWS HE
HASN'T LOST YOU.

CROSS YOUR HANDS
OVER YOUR CHEST.

GOOD.
BRING YOUR KNEES UP.

GOOD.

OKAY.

FIRST TIME TO
A CHIROPRACTOR?

YEAH, BUT IF I
KNEW IT WAS GOING
TO BE LIKE THIS

I'D HAVE COME SOONER.

[ Groan ]

GOOD!
LEGS DOWN.

LITTLE STRETCH.

[ Groaning ]
AM I HURTING YOU?

NOT AT ALL.

OKAY!

ROLL OVER.

[ Groans Of Relief ]

HOW'S THAT FEEL?
OH, YEAH! OH!

WELL, I THINK
YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM
A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION...

THAT WAS JUST
AGGRAVATED BY THAT FALL.

YOU GIVE IT A
LITTLE TIME AND
SOME REST AND...

LET THE SWELLING
GO DOWN.

RIGHT.

YOU... YOU
MIGHT WANT TO PUT
SOME ICE ON IT.

GOOD IDEA.

OKAY, YOU CAN GET UP.

UM, IF IT'S
OKAY WITH YOU,

I'D LIKE TO JUST
LIE HERE FOR A
COUPLE MINUTES?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?
SOMETHING I SHOULD
LOOK AT OR--

NO! NO, UM,
I FEEL GREAT.

[ Deep Breath ]

TOO GREAT.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

EVEN TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

[ Sigh ]

[ Cheering Of Crowd ]

SEVEN AND
THREE-QUARTER INCHES.

EMCEE:
OH, COME ON, GUYS!
LET'S GET IT UP FOR HIM!

COME ON!
[ Cheering Of Crowd ]

MR. TELSON:
THERE'S THOMAS.

HE'S 17.
HE'S GOING INTO
HARVARD THIS FALL.

AND THERE'S TRISH;
SHE'S 12.

SHE LOVES SOCCER.

[ Chortle ]
THIS HAS GOT
TO BE A FIRST!

FAMILY PHOTOS
IN BABYLON?

EMCEE:
OOH! WHAT IS THIS?

FIVE AND AN EIGHTH.

NOW-- NOW,
CONTESTANTS ARE REMINDED

THAT THEY MUST BE
AT LEAST SIX INCHES.

UH, THAT IS THE
RULE OF THUMB,

AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I'VE SEEN BIGGER THUMBS.

[ Laughing Of Crowd ]

I MARRIED YOUNG,
BEFORE I KNEW.

WENT INTO THE
FAMILY BUSINESS.

BY THE TIME I REALIZED
WHAT I WAS, IT WAS TOO LATE
TO CHANGE THINGS.

I LOVE MY WIFE,
AND MY KIDS.

WHY SHOULD
I DESTROY ALL THAT?

SO YOU TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS
WHILE YOU'RE AWAY
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS?

EXACTLY.

SMART MAN, MARVIN.

YOU'RE A
SMART MAN TOO.

THE QUESTION
IS, HOW SMART?

EMCEE: [ Elated ]
TEN AND FIVE-SIXTEENTHS!

WE HAVE A WINNER!
[ Cheering Of Crowd ]

SO IS THERE ANYONE HERE
YOU'D LIKE TO MEET?

I HAPPEN
TO KNOW THE WINNER.

NO, NOT MY TYPE.

HOWEVER,
THERE IS SOMEBODY
I'M INTERESTED IN.

YEAH? WHO?

THAT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

YEAH, REMIND ME
TO PRESS CHARGES.

WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?

LIKE THE KIND OF GUY,
IF HE WAGGED HIS DICK
IN FRONT OF YOU,

YOU WOULDN'T LOOK TWICE.

BUT IF HE DANGLED HIS ACCOUNT
IN FRONT OF YOU,

YOU MIGHT CONSIDER IT.

YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY DO--

WOULD YOU?

WELL, CONSIDERING
SOME OF THE OTHER
THINGS I'VE DONE.

YEAH,
BUT THAT WAS FOR FUN!

YOU'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

[ Chuckling ]

YOU'RE SO
BEAUTIFULLY NAIVE, MIKEY.

IT'S BUSINESS.

YOU FUCK,
OR YOU GET FUCKED.

YEAH, ONLY,
WHICH END ARE YOU ON?

JUSTIN?

HONEY, PLEASE!

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO COME WITH ME.

WHERE? TO SEE
ANOTHER SHRINK?

IT'S A SURPRISE.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

[ Beeping Of Car Door ]

JENNIFER:
YOU STOP RIGHT THERE!

STOP RUNNING FROM ME,
BECAUSE I'M NOT RUNNING
FROM YOU!

I'M STILL YOUR MOTHER,
AND YOU'RE STILL MY SON,

AND I STILL LOVE YOU.

[ Grunt Of Disbelief ]
WHAT'S THIS?

A GET-WELL BASKET.

BEN-GAY, ASPIRIN,
HOT WATER BOTTLE.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED
FOR A PULLED MUSCLE.

THAT'S REALLY NICE
OF YOU, TRACY.

AT "BIG Q" WE
GUARANTEE FULL MONEY BACK

IF YOU'RE NOT
COMPLETELY SATISFIED.

[ Chuckling ]

I HOPE YOU
WON'T BE NEEDING
ALL THAT.

OH, HI!

HI. HOW'S
YOUR NECK?

UH, IT'S STILL
A LITTLE SORE,

BUT, UH, MUCH
BETTER. I THINK
YOU DID THE TRICK.

GOOD TO HEAR.
UH, TRACY,

THIS IS DR. CAMERON,
THE CHIROPRACTOR
YOU SENT ME TO.

-THANKS FOR
THE REFERRAL, TRACY.
-THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF MIKE.

WELL, I SHOULD
GO AND TAKE CARE
OF MY CASH REGISTER.

BYE!

SHE'S CUTE.
YEAH.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE,
RUNNING INTO
YOU HERE.

WELL,
IT'S NOT REALLY
A COINCIDENCE.

YOU TOLD ME
WHERE YOU WORKED,
REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S REALLY NICE,
COMING ALL THIS WAY
JUST TO SEE HOW I AM.

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN MY PATIENTS' HEALTH
AND WELL-BEING.

[ Chuckle ]
I ALSO WANTED
TO GET A NEW
SCREWDRIVER.

OH, WELL,
LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE
THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT IS.

[ Chuckle ]
WE HAVE
A COMPLETE LINE OF TOOLS,
ALL AT EVERYDAY LOW PRICES.

AND I WANTED TO, UH,
ASK IF YOU'D LIKE
TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

HUH?
DINNER.

YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU
SIT AT A TABLE AND
EAT FOOD FROM A PLATE?

MARLEY:
MIKE?

THERE ARE THESE TWO
BRATS CLIMBING UP THE
SOFT DRINK DISPLAY.

[ Chuckle ]
SOUNDS
LIKE A JOB FOR SUPERMAN.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

SO WHAT
DO YOU SAY?

ABOUT WHAT?

I THINK I JUST
ASKED YOU OUT.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE--

YEAH. I-I HOPE
YOU ARE TOO.

[ Whispering ]
I HAVE TO BE REALLY CAREFUL.
NO ONE HERE KNOWS.

HOW DID YOU?
REMEMBER THAT LITTLE PROBLEM
YOU HAD ON MY TABLE?

YEAH, BUT YOU SAID
THAT EVEN HAPPENS
TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

[ Whispering ]
ONLY THE GAY ONES.

[ Chuckling ]

JENNIFER:
JUSTIN, I HAVE SO MISSED
COMING HERE WITH YOU.

THE VAN GOGHS
AND THE HOPPERS.

YOU KNOW,
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME,
YOU WOULDN'T BE AN ARTIST.

I MEAN,
I ENCOURAGED YOU.

[ Snickering ]

HEY, AFTER WE'RE DONE,
YOU WANT TO SHARE A PIECE

OF THAT
INCREDIBLE CHOCOLATE CAKE,
LIKE WE USED TO?

YEAH, SURE.

OH, JUSTIN. LOOK.
MY FAVORITE.

REMEMBER?

NO.

JENNIFER:
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS
WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU.

I EVEN PUT IT ON YOUR
BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT.

MOM, I GOTTA USE
THE BATHROOM.

OKAY, HONEY.
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

A DOCTOR?

A CHIROPRACTOR.

ALL THAT COUNTS
IS A LITTLE
WHITE JACKET

AT A COMFORTABLE
MID-THIGH LENGTH.

IT'S EVERY
MOTHER'S DREAM.

JUST BE SURE NOT
TO TELL MINE.

I DON'T NEED HER
TO KNOW EVERY
TIME I GO OUT.

"EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT"
IS ONCE A YEAR.

THANKS FOR
KEEPING COUNT.

ACCOUNTING
IS MY LIFE.

SO WHAT'S
HE LIKE?

OLD.

WHAT'S OLD?

OLDER THAN YOU.
PROBABLY 40.

THAT IS OLD.

EMMETT:
ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY
DON'T COME AS QUICK,

AND THEY HAVE
LOTS OF MONEY.

SO WHERE'S
HE TAKING YOU?

SOMEPLACE
CALLED PAPPAGANO.

[ Choking ]
I HOPE HE'S PAYING!

IS IT EXPENSIVE?

A MEDIUM-PRICED ENTREE
IS MORE THAN
YOUR TAX RETURN.

SHIT.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

I DON'T KNOW.
THIS?

OKAY, A DOCTOR
IS TAKING YOU TO ONE

OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE
RESTAURANTS IN PITTSBURGH,
AND YOU'RE GOING LIKE THAT?

NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE.

AS A MEN'S
APPAREL PROFESSIONAL,
IT IS MY SWORN DUTY

TO MAKE SURE
YOU ARE PROPERLY
ATTIRED.

NOW, PUT DOWN
CAPTAIN AMERICA
AND COME WITH ME.

I'M SOAKING HERE!

OH, SHUT UP!

WHO DID THIS THING
TO YOU?

OH, LET ME GUESS,
EMMETT DE LA RENTA?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST
WORN MY JEANS,

BUT HE SAID,
"NO! YOU CAN'T GO
ON A DATE LIKE THAT!"

YOU'VE GOT A DATE?

YEAH.

ADATE?

MIKEY'S
GOT A DATE!

I'M GONNA CALL
AND CANCEL.

THE FUCK YOU ARE!

WELL, I CAN'T
GO LIKE THIS!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

HERE, TRY THIS.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- I'VE GOT DOZENS OF THEM.

IT'S WEIRD
GOING ON A DATE.

BRIAN:
MAKE SURE HE OPENS
THE CAR DOOR FOR YOU

AND PULLS
YOUR CHAIR OUT.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
IT'S SO... HETERO.

YOU EVER BEEN
ON A REAL DATE?

ONCE.

I ENDED UP
FUCKING THE WAITER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO OR SAY!

JUST BE YOURSELF.

THAT SHOULD MAKE
THE EVENING FLY BY.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST
FAST-FORWARD TO THE SEX?

[ Chuckling ]
THE POINT OF A DATE,
OR SO IT'S BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME

BY THOSE WHO DO
THAT SORT OF THING,

IS THAT YOU ACTUALLY GET
TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON

BEFORE YOU
FUCK THEM.

WHAT A DUMB IDEA.

WHAT IF YOU
DON'T LIKE THEM?

WORSE YET,

WHAT IF YOU DO?

SLEEVES ARE TOO LONG.

THAT'S BETTER.

SO, WHO IS
THIS GUY?

NO ONE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY I SAID YES.

I GUESS I JUST
FELT SORRY FOR HIM.

AH! A MERCY
FUCK, HUH?

WHO SAYS I'M
FUCKING HIM?

WELL, IF HE'S
BUYING YOU AN
EXPENSIVE DINNER,

YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO PUT OUT.

AND THIS SHOULD
DO THE TRICK.

MAKE HIM WANT
TO DO THE TRICK.

SO WHAT DO
YOU THINK?

I THINK I
LOOK LIKE YOU.

YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC.

YOU ARE FANTASTIC.

REMEMBER THAT,
MIKEY.

NOW, YOU'D BETTER GO.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE LATE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU
UP TO TONIGHT?

I'M
ENTERTAINING A CLIENT.

YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO GO
THROUGH WITH IT?

YOU'RE SO CUTE.

IT'LL BE
OVER BEFORE
YOU KNOW IT.

HOW LONG CAN
YOU KEEP THE
CHICKEN WARM?

IT'S FINE.
I WRAPPED IT IN FOIL.
HUH!

SOUNDS LIKE MY MOM'S RECIPE.
COOK FOR ONE WEEK,
REMOVE ALL FLAVOR, EAT.

HEY.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
FACE IT, HONEY.
[ Sigh Of Remorse ]

HE'S NOT GOING
TO SHOW UP.

YOU KNOW BRIAN.
HE'S ALWAYS--
FASHIONABLY
LATE?

WHEN WILL YOU
EVER LEARN?

[ Sighing ]

[ Dance ]

I WASN'T SURE
YOU'D COME.

I ALWAYS COME WHEN
I SAY I'M GOING TO.

WE'LL HAVE A
BOTTLE OF CHATEAU
CHEVAL-BLANC, '97.

UH, I'LL HAVE
A DIET PEPSI.

WAITER:
CERTAINLY.

IS THAT HUGO BOSS?
WHERE?

YOUR JACKET.

OH.
[ Chuckling ]

UM... YEP.

IT'S... IT'S
NOT EVEN MINE.

IT BELONGS TO
MY FRIEND, BRIAN.

I BET HE DOESN'T
LOOK HALF AS GOOD
IN IT AS YOU.

HE LOOKS BETTER.

I FIND THAT
HARD TO BELIEVE.

HE CAN LOOK GOOD
IN ANYTHING.

HE EVEN LOOKS
GOOD IN NOTHING.

GOOD BODY?
AWESOME. WHEN HE WALKS
INTO BABYLON,

HEADS TURN LIKE
POLICE LIGHTS JUST
TO LOOK AT HIM.

SOUNDS LIKE
I COULD MAKE A FORTUNE
DOING NECK ADJUSTMENTS.

[ Snickering ]

EVERYBODY WANTS HIM.

DO YOU?

[ Chuckling ]
ME? NO.

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

WE'D NEVER--
GOOD. I WAS STARTING
TO GET JEALOUS.

DON'T WORRY.
BESIDES, HE'S NOT
EVEN INTERESTED IN ME.

I'M SURPRISED.
I THINK IT WOULD
BE VERY EASY

TO BE INTERESTED
IN YOU.
[ Sniffing ]

EXCELLENT.

THIS IS EXCELLENT TOO.

[ Chuckle ]

YOU KNOW A LOT
ABOUT WINE, HUH?

I HAVE A
COLLECTION.

I JUST BOUGHT
A BOTTLE

OF '61 PETRUS ON eBAY.

OH, MY GOD,
YOU GO ON eBAY?

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE
WHAT I JUST GOT.

A MAY 1960FLASH
FROM THE SILVER AGE. "THE
MYSTERY OF THE ELONGATED MAN."

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THIS FORYEARS!

UH, IT'S A--
IT'S A COMIC BOOK.

I HAVE A COLLECTION.

WELL, YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY VERY
PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE EVERY
TIME I FIND ONE,

I'M A KID AGAIN,
UP IN MY OLD ROOM.

THE MYSTERY OF
THE PERPETUAL BOY.

TO THE FLASH.

THE FLASH.

GO ON.
TAKE IT OFF.

EVERYTHING.

MARVIN:
W-WAIT.

COULD YOU... GO
A LITTLE SLOWER?

OH, YOU WANT A SHOW?

UH-HUH.

SURE, WHY NOT?

STOP.

YOU HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL BODY.

I KNOW.

[ Ringing Of Telephone ]

[ Ringing Of Telephone ]

ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT?

SHIT!

[ Grunt Of Pain ]

YES?

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, HOW IS SHE?
IS SHE BADLY HURT?

LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HANDLE IT.

I'M IN A MEETING.

NO, THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN LEAVE!

LOOK,
I JUST TOLD YOU.

I'VE GOT TOO
MUCH GOING ON.

LOOK, TELL HER
I LOVE HER,

AND I'LL BE HOME
TOMORROW, OKAY?

[ Hanging Up Of Phone ]

SO WHERE WERE WE?

IS SOMEONE HURT?

YEAH, THAT'S MY
DAUGHTER. SHE...

BROKE HER ARM
PLAYING BASKETBALL.

- SOUNDS SERIOUS.
- SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

- SHE WAS ASKING FOR YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO COME HOME.
- SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.

WHAT? THAT YOU'RE
DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
SUCKING COCK?

THERE'S NOTHING
THAT I CAN DO ANYWAY.

I CAN.

COULD YOU
PREPARE MR. TELSON'S BILL?

HE'LL BE
CHECKING OUT IMMEDIATELY.

COULD YOU HAVE A CAR
WAITING TO TAKE HIM
TO THE AIRPORT?

YOUR VISIT
TO QUEER WORLD'S
OVER, MARVIN.

BETTER GO BACK
TO YOUR WIFE AND KIDS
AND $30 MILLION-A-YEAR BUSINESS.

YOU'D BE A FOOL
TO THROW THAT AWAY.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE NOT AS SMART
AS I THOUGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL RYDER
WHEN HE ASKS WHY YOU DIDN'T
GET THE ACCOUNT?

I'LL TELL HIM WE COULDN'T
PROVIDE THE SERVICES
YOU REQUIRED.

I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
SO DID I.

THANKS FOR DINNER.
MY PLEASURE.

SO, YOU WANNA COME UP?
OH, I CAN'T. I'VE GOT
MY FIRST PATIENT AT 7:30.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I THOUGHT--

I MEAN,
DON'T YOU WANNA--

I ASKED YOU OUT
'CAUSE I WANTED TO
GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER,

NOT BECAUSE
I WANTED A QUICK FUCK.

LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU.

[ Dance ]

[ Clamoring ]

I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
STAY AWAY.

I'M JUST STRICTLY HERE
AS AN OBSERVER.

YEAH, SO WHAT ELSE
IS NEW?

MM. SOMEBODY MUST'VE
EATEN SOMETHING THAT
DISAGREED WITH HIM.

IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
HE PAID FOR DINNER, AND HE
DIDN'T EVEN WANNA FUCK.

MAYBE
HE HAS A PROSTATE PROBLEM
OR ONLY ONE TESTICLE.

OR MAYBE HE
DOESN'T LIKE ME.

WHY WOULDN'T
HE LIKE YOU?

SAME REASON
AS EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'M NOT BRIAN.

THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT!

HE MUST'VE LIKED--
HE MUST'VE LIKED YOU.

WHY ELSE WOULD HE
ASK YOU OUT?
I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST
YOUR OWN INSECURITIES.

MAYBE HE'S
THE OLD-FASHIONED TYPE. DOESN'T
FUCK UNTIL THE SECOND DATE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE.
I'M GONNA GO FIND SOMEBODY
WHO WANTS ME.

THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED.

WERE YOU SLEEPING?

WE HAVE A NEWBORN HERE.
WE NEVER SLEEP.

- SORRY I MISSED DINNER.
- DON'T APOLOGIZE.
IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU.

AND DON'T THINK YOU CAN
FLASH THAT SMILE AND
GET AWAY WITH IT.

THAT MIGHT'VE BEEN CUTE AT 20,
BUT AT 30, IT'S STARTING
TO GET PATHETIC.

TWENTY-NINE.

[ Sighs ]

- HAVE YOU EATEN?
- NO.

COME ON.

[ Moaning ]

[ Baby Cries ]

YOU'RE FANTASTIC.