Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 13 - Move It or Lose It - full transcript

TED SCHMIDT.

BRIAN.

BRIAN WHO?

BRIAN WHODO-YOU-THINK?

THAT'S WHO. OH.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE EVER CALLED ME.

WELL, TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, REMEMBER?

YEAH, RIGHT. UH, SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.



WELL, THINK ABOUT IT AND DECIDE

IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT.

WITH YOU?

YOU SOUND SURPRISED.

Uh, no. Surprised would be if I won the lottery.

OR IF AN ASTEROID HIT THE EARTH,

OR IF RICHARD SIMMONS WAS STRAIGHT.

NO, TRY DUMBSTRUCK.

So you're not busy?

DO YOU HAVE TO ASK?

WOODY'S. AFTER WORK.

HE WANTS ME TO MEET HIM AT WOODY'S...

TO HANG OUT.

GOD, HE MUST REALLY BE DESPERATE.



UH, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. AH.

NOW THAT HE AND MICHAEL ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS,

MY GUESS IS IS THAT HE NEEDS SOMEBODY NEW TO TAKE FOR GRANTED.

SO, NATURALLY, HE THOUGHT OF ME.

YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY CONSIDERING GOING, ARE YOU?

WELL, MAYBE I CAN RESOLVE THE GREAT MICHAEL CONFLICT,

AND WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

AND SCORE WITH ONE OF BRIAN'S REJECTS.

49... 50.

GOD, I HATE MY ABS.

I LOVE YOUR ABS.

I MEAN YOU.

HE MEANS YOU.

YOU'RE EMMETT, RIGHT? RIGHT.

YOU WORK AT TORSO, RIGHT? RIGHT.

AND YOUR DENTIST IS DR. FELDMAN, RIGHT?

RIGHT, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DENTIST IS?

I WAS IN HIS OFFICE LAST WEEK. I HAD THE APPOINTMENT RIGHT AFTER YOU.

AND BY THE WAY, I LOVE THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR TEETH.

I'M BEAU.

THAT'S FRENCH FOR "BEAUTIFUL". I KNOW.

AND I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE KIND OF, UH, CUTE.

YOU HAVE? YEAH.

AND I WAS WONDERING, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT SOMETIME.

AS IF YOU NEED TO ASK.

I'D LOVE TO. AS IF HE'D SAY NO.

ONLY I CAN'T.

WHAT?

I-I CAN'T.

BUT THANKS FOR ASKING.

MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME, THEN.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

GUYS LIKE US DO NOT TURN DOWN GUYS LIKE HIM.

YOU HAVE ACTED IN FLAGRANT VIOLATION

OF THE ENTIRE GAY SOCIAL STRUCTURE.

THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE YOU OUT OF THE BROTHERHOOD.

LET 'EM. I MADE A PROMISE TO GOD, REMEMBER?

THAT IF I TESTED NEGATIVE... I KNOW,

YOU'D NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN, I KNOW.

BUT YOU'RE FINE!

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THE HELL

THAT I WENT THROUGH AGAIN, AND I WON'T.

BECAUSE SOMEONE KEPT HIS PART OF THE BARGAIN.

NOW IT'S MY TURN TO KEEP MINE.

HEY.

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

OH-H, SHH, I JUST PUT GUS TO BED.

IT'S TOO LATE TO SEE HIM THEN, HUH?

OH, YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE MORNING.

HE'S ASLEEP WHEN I LEAVE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD LEAVE LATER, OR EVEN TAKE THE AFTERNOON OFF.

THE POINT OF MY WORKING LONGER DAYS

IS SO YOU CAN STAY HOME.

I APPRECIATE HOW HARD YOU WORK.

IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU SHOWED IT.

I THOUGHT I DID.

AND, UH, I'M WORKING TOO.

TAKING CARE OF OUR SON.

YOUR SON AND BRIAN'S. I JUST PAY THE BILLS.

OH, ARE WE REALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN?

NAW, LET'S PRETEND EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I DIDN'T SAY EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I JUST DON'T FEEL WE NEED TO CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I'M JEWISH AND AFTER NEO-NAZIS

THERE'S NOTHING THE JEWS FEAR MORE THAN SILENCE.

WELL I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

I DON'T HAVE THE NEED TO CONSTANTLY EXPRESS

EVERYTHING THAT I'M FEELING.

I WISH YOU'D TRY.

BECAUSE AFTER THAT FIASCO AT BRIAN'S

YOU'VE TURNED OFF TO ME PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY...

AS USUAL, YOU'RE CATASTROPHIZING,

TURNING EVERY LITTLE SLIGHT INTO A REJECTION.

YOU NEVER WANT TO MAKE LOVE,

YOU BARELY WANT TO HAVE A DISCUSSION.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I MIGHT BE TIRED?

WELL, I'M TIRED, TOO.

I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU,

OF FIGURING OUT WHAT THE HELL I DID WRONG,

OF WONDERING WHY INSTEAD OF FEELING CLOSER THAN WE'VE EVER BEEN,

I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALONE.

OH.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY ANYTHING?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?

I CAN HEAT UP SOME POT ROAST.

SO, HOW WAS WORK?

FAT MARLEY HAD THIS REALLY INCREDIBLE HICKEY.

AND THERE WAS A SALE ON PROTEIN POWDER,

SO EVERY QUEEN IN THE CITY WAS THERE,

EXCEPT FOR YOU, OF COURSE.

BORING.

WORK WAS BORING.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

DON'T TELL ME. YOU TOOK THE CLIENT

TO THIS REALLY FANCY RESTAURANT FOR LUNCH,

AND THERE WAS THIS REALLY HOT WAITER AND HE...

HE SIGNALLED FOR YOU TO MEET HIM IN THE LINEN CLOSET

AND HE GAVE YOU THIS AMAZING BLOW JOB,

AND THEN YOU WENT BACK TO THE TABLE

AND THE CLIENT NEVER KNEW.

HOW'D YOU GUESS?

I ASKED YOU ABOUT WORK.

UH, I TOOK A CLIENT TO LUNCH

AND THE WAITER BLEW ME IN THE LINEN CLOSET.

REALLY?

LIAR! YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

SO, HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM?

WHO?

MICHAEL.

WHAT FOR?

OH, FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.

WASMY BEST FRIEND.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL HIM?

I TOLD YOU.

HE'S OUT OF MY LIFE AND I'M OUT OF HIS.

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT?

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

HOWEVER, UH, I AM AVAILABLE

FOR SAFE SEX AND ESTATE PLANNING.

ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE SOME INVESTMENT QUESTIONS.

WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU HELP ME DIVERSIFY MY PORTFOLIO,

I'LL HELP DIVERSIFY YOURS.

THAT'S THE LAST ONE.

YOU'RE SURE?

WELL, YEAH, FOR THE MOST PART.

I MEAN, I'M GONNA GO BACK

AND GET THE REST TOMORROW.

THE REST?

YOU GOT A LOT OF STUFF.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IF I...

FIND SOMETHING I LIKE, I HOLD ON TO IT,

YOU KNOW, FOR KEEPS.

I HOPE THAT APPLIES TO ME, I HOPE THAT APPLIES TO ME.

I HOPE THAT APPLIES TO ME. ESPECIALLY TO YOU.

SO WHERE SHOULD I PUT IT?

WHEREVER YOU WANT, BABY.

I MEANT MY STUFF.

YOU DECIDE. IT'S OUR PLACE NOW.

GREAT.

UM...

BUT WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TILL TOMORROW MORNING?

'CAUSE I GOT PLANS FOR US TONIGHT.

OH?

OH. OH-H.

SO, YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY GETTING HOME?

YEAH, I KNOW THE WAY.

RIGHT.

I'M SO LUCKY.

WHY IS THAT?

WELL, NORMALLY ABOUT THIS TIME

I'D BE COMING OUT OF WOODY'S,

WAITING IN THE JEEP FOR BRIAN

TO FINISH GETTING A BLOW JOB

SO I COULD DRIVE HIM HOME.

AND INSTEAD?

AND INSTEAD I'M HERE, WITH YOU.

I'M LUCKY TOO.

I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL.

MIKEY?

HEY, SLEEPYHEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY?

WELL, I COULDN'T WAIT TO UNPACK MY STUFF.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT... IT'S, UH...

IT'S GREAT.

I... I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE, UM...

WHERE YOU'VE... THE, UH, THE PUTTING OF,

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

CAPTAIN ASTRO.

YEAH, I WASN'T SURE HOW YOU WERE GOING TO FEEL ABOUT THAT.

OH, IT ADDS A REAL...

UH, WHIMSICAL TOUCH.

I'M STILL NOT SURE WHERE TO PUT MY TOY ROBOTS.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND THE PERFECT PLACE.

NOW COME ON, LET'S GO BACK TO BED. BED?

SOME OF US HAVE TO WORK.

IT'S SATURDAY.

THE BIG Q NEVER CLOSES.

I WAS KIND OF HOPING WE'D JUST KICK BACK AND WATCH THE GAME.

WELL, I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN INTO WATCHING THE GAME.

OR SATURDAYS.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST SATURDAYS?

WELL, THAT WAS THE DAY THAT ALL THE KIDS

DID STUFF WITH THEIR DADS.

AND... I DIDN'T HAVE ONE, SO...

I KINDA DREADED SATURDAYS.

WELL, I CAN PROMISE YOU...

ONLY HAPPY SATURDAYS FROM NOW ON.

ANOTHER THERAPIST?

WITH THAT ATTITUDE WE'LL GET A LOT ACCOMPLISHED.

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GOT A PROBLEM.

AND YOU DON'T?

ONLY THE ONE YOU'RE CREATING.

OH, CHRIST! AM I LIVING IN THIS HOUSE ALONE?

MAYBE YOU'D BE HAPPIER IF YOU WERE.

I'LL GET IT.

MEET MY LATEST TRICK.

HA.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTO BEARS.

I THOUGHT YOU PREFERRED THE YOUNG, HAIRLESS,

"NOT ADMITTED WITHOUT A PARENT OR GUARDIAN" TYPE.

WHERE'S MY SON?

OUR SON IS TAKING A NAP.

WELL, I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY FOR DINNER.

IT'S 2:00 O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON.

THEN I'LL JUST HANG OUT. HANG OUT?

SINCE WHEN DID YOU "HANG OUT" WITH THE LIKES OF US?

SINCE MICHAEL'S NO LONGER IN THE PICTURE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL.

MIKEY AND I WERE HOLDING ON TO EACH OTHER FOR TOO LONG.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT DO WE EVEN HAVE IN COMMON?

YOUR LIVES.

ASIDE FROM THAT.

ANYWAYS, IT WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST.

THANKS TO MY DIVINE INTERVENTION, HE'S WITH THE GOOD DOCTOR NOW.

WHERE HE BELONGS.

LOOK, I GUESS IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

FOR WHAT?

TO FIX THINGS.

SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT BROKEN.

SO. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE PLAY A LITTLE SCRABBLE?

I GOT THIS OFF THE INTERNET,

WAIT'LL YOU HEAR IT.

TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOUR HUSBAND'S GAY.

NUMBER ONE, AT YOUR WEDDING,

HE KISSES THE BEST MAN INSTEAD OF YOU.

NUMBER TWO, FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY,

HE BRINGS YOU FLOWERS,

AND ARRANGES THEM.

NUMBER THREE...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING.

I DON'T THINK IT'S VERY FUNNY, THAT'S ALL.

WELL, I THINK IT'S A SCREAM.

DON'T YOU, MIKE?

UH, I WASN'T REALLY LISTENING.

YOU'RE ENTITLED TO THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT,

AND SO AM I.

AND WHAT I THINK IS THAT...

PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT JOKES

THAT MAKE FUN OF OTHER PEOPLE,

WHOEVER THEY ARE,

ARE IGNORANT AND CRUEL.

WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

MR. NOVOTNY?

YES, TRACY?

I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT?

TWO WEEKS NOTICE.

I GOT A JOB AT THE BIG DOLLAR MART.

I SHOULD REALLY GET BACK, MY BREAK'S OVER.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

BRIAN, HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

TO TELL YOU WHAT A GREAT TIME WE HAD LAST NIGHT.

I WAS BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND.

YEAH, WELL, UH, YOU KNOW

THAT'S THE SIGN OF TRUE FRIENDSHIP.

YOU KNOW, THAT IT CAN, UH, ACCOMMODATE

VASTLY DIVERGENT POINTS OF VIEW.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

YOU KNOW, UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

HOW MANY GUYS HIT ON YOU A NIGHT?

GIVE OR TAKE, 112.

I DON'T KNOW.

AMAZING.

AND I ONLY NEED ONE.

I'M NOT... INTERESTED.

UH, EXCUSE ME. UM...

YOU KNOW, UH...

TAX SEASON IS COMING UP, AND, UH...

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN.

I'M MATT.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS MATT, OR SCOTT,

OR... OR TODD...

OR SOME OTHER WONDERFUL,

ONE SYLLABLE NAME.

I'D OFFER TO BUY YOU A DRINK,

BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER.

SOMETHING TELLS ME...

YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO GO HOME.

IT'S ALWAYS NICER TO VOMIT

IN YOUR OWN TOILET.

MAYBE I'D BETTER GIVE YOU A HAND.

THANK YOU.

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST REEVALUATING YOUR LIFE,

QUESTIONING YOUR CHOICES,

WONDERING IF THERE'S SOMETHING BETTER.

YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S IT EXACTLY.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT.

AND SEEING HOW MISERABLE YOU LOOKED AT THE BAR

MADE ME THINK MAYBE YOU NEEDED TO SEE IT TOO.

WHAT'S THIS?

A GROUP I BELONG TO.

HMM, I DON'T DO VERY WELL IN GROUPS.

I GOT THROWN OUT OF THE CUB SCOUTS FIRST WEEK.

I MADE A FABULOUS NECKLACE OUT OF SLIP KNOTS.

EVERYONE'S WELCOME IN THIS GROUP.

AND IT'S ALL PEOPLE LIKE US.

LIKE US?

PEOPLE WHO ARE QUESTIONING AND EVALUATING.

WHY DON'T YOU COME TO ONE OF OUR MEETINGS?

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO LOSE IS YOUR PAIN.

YOU MAKE A LOT OF TIPS.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M CUTE.

YEAH, AND CONCEITED.

I COULD FUCK PRACTICALLY ANYONE I WANTED.

SO WHY DON'T YOU?

NEVER MIND.

THE ANSWER JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR.

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WHAT, YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW?

WELL, I ASKED, DIDN'T I?

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

HUH?

ARE THESE PARTICULARLY HARD QUESTIONS?

DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER AFTER WORK?

REALLY?

SURE.

I'LL HAVE A TURKEY SANDWICH,

ON WHOLE GRAIN, NO MAYO. TO GO.

DO YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

HE'S EVER ASKED ME TO COME OVER?

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

IT MEANS HE MISSES MICHAEL.

ARE THOSE GUYS REALLY

NEVER GOING TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN?

LOOKS THAT WAY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM?

ME?

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED BRIAN.

AND YOU'RE STAYING IN MICHAEL'S BEDROOM,

WHICH MAKES YOU, LIKE, THE MISSING LINK.

WELL, GO ON.

HEY, BOY WONDER, UH...

A COUPLE OF LEMON SQUARES. TO GO.

SURE.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO TALK TO HIM?

WHAT FOR?

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

YOU GUYS SHOULD TALK.

YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

BUT HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.

JUST GIVE ME THE LEMON SQUARES.

HEY, WHERE'S MY ORDER?

THIS IS A TURKEY SANDWICH.

THESE ARE LEMON SQUARES.

HONEY, I'M HOME!

GOD, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.

HEY, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU COMING IN.

AND HONEY, YOU REALLY ARE HOME.

YEAH, I PICKED THESE UP FOR DESERT.

HOW WAS THE...

GAME?

PENGUINS LOST IN OVERTIME.

THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

THE PLACE LOOKS DIFFERENT.

YEAH, WELL I...

I PUT A FEW THINGS AWAY.

YEAH, LIKE... ALL MY STUFF.

OH, WELL IT WAS A BIT, UH, CLUTTERED.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY? MY DAY? MY...

MY DAY WAS COMPELLING.

CHOCK FULL OF EVENT. WE GOT A NEW HANDICAP RAMP, AND...

FAT MARLEY REGALED US WITH HER WITTY REPERTOIRE OF FAG JOKES.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I TOLD HER I'M AN OUT-ANDPROUD HOMOSEXUAL,

AND IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT SHE CAN SUCK MY DICK.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

TRACY DID.

SHE STOOD RIGHT UP TO HER.

GOOD. SO SHE'S STILL YOUR FRIEND.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

HEY, WELL ONE GOOD THING CAME OUT OF WHAT BRIAN DID.

IT MADE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU BELONG HERE WITH ME.

TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET, GET READY FOR DINNER.

ONE SPOONFUL LEFT.

YOU WANT IT?

NO, IT'LL MEAN 10 MORE MINUTES

ON THE STAIRMASTER.

COME ON.

I WANT TO SEE YOU LICK IT OFF THE SPOON.

MMM, ICE CREAM KISS.

YOU SHOULD EAT MORE, YOU KNOW.

MY MOM SAYS YOU'RE TOO SKINNY.

YOUR MOM? MM-HMM.

SHE DOESN'T COMPLETELY HATE YOU, YOU KNOW.

I TOLD HER YOU WERE ALWAYS SKINNY,

EVEN WHEN YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I LOOKED LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I LIVE IN MICHAEL'S OLD ROOM, REMEMBER?

WITH ALL HIS OLD HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOKS.

PICTURES OF YOU.

YOU WERE A GEEK.

I WAS NEVER A GEEK.

THEN EXPLAIN CHEMISTRY CLUB.

THAT'S WHERE I LEARNED TO BUILD THE BOMB TO BLOW UP THE SCHOOL.

BUT MIKEY TALKED ME OUT OF IT.

GOOD THING HE WAS AROUND.

I BET YOU WISH HE WAS HERE RIGHT NOW.

WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HIM?

I BET YOU'RE SECRETLY WISHING

THAT THE PHONE WOULD RING AND IT WOULD BE HIM...

I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP.

HIS LIFE...

WAS JUST GOING TO HANG THERE LIKE SOME SHIRT

IN THE CLOSET YOU NEVER WEAR.

SO YOU PUSHED HIM AWAY.

IT WAS THE ONLY COURSE OF ACTION.

YEAH, BUT NOW HE HATES YOU.

THAT'S OKAY. AS LONG AS MIKEY'S HAPPY.

GOD, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE HIM.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.

IT ALWAYS IS.

LUCKILY, YOU CAN'T PUSH ME AWAY.

I'M ON TO YOU.

EMMETT, YOU CAME.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HI, I'M TY AND I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

HI, TY.

OUR FIRST SPEAKER TONIGHT IS GINGER.

AND SHE WAS FORMERLY IN THE DARK,

BUT NOW SHE'S...

SEEN THE LIGHT.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I, UH, USED TO BE A LESBIAN.

USED TO BE?

BUT THANKS TO TY AND

EVERY BEAUTIFUL PERSON HERE,

I'VE SHED MY FORMER CORRUPT SELF

AND BECOME THE NEW, PURIFIED HETEROSEXUAL ME.

AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE ONLY THING THAT COMES OUT HERE IS THE TRUTH.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS WAS A COMEDY CLUB. EMMETT.

I CAN TELL YOU, AND GINGER CAN TELL YOU,

THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALL HOPING AND PRAYING FOR

IS NOT AN IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.

IT CAN COME TRUE FOR YOU,

THE SAME WAY IT'S COME TRUE FOR US.

YOU CAN CHANGE, YOU CAN CHANGE,

YOU CAN CHANGE.

I'D START WITH THOSE SHOES.

YOU.

UH, M-ME?

YOU'VE GOT YOUR DOUBTS, DON'T YOU?

WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

DO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS OBSESS ABOUT YOUR BODIES

AND THE BODIES OF OTHER MEN?

CHECK OUT HIS PECS.

THEY'RE, LIKE, PERFECT.

THEY'RE, LIKE, IMPLANTS.

DO YOUR CONVERSATIONS CENTRE AROUND TRIVIALITIES?

SUCH AS, MOVIE STARS?

DID YOU HEAR THAT CHER HAD HER PUSSY TIGHTENED?

WHERE'D YOU READ THAT? "THE ENQUIRER"

OR "POPULAR MECHANICS"?

ARE YOUR DAYS AND NIGHTS SPENT AT THE GYM

AND IN BARS?

GOING HOME WITH MEN WHOSE NAMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW?

SO HE'S COMING AND HE'S GOING, "FRED, FRED!"

FRED, WHO'S FRED?

IF SO, MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF,

"IS THIS THE LIFE I WANT FOR ME?"

"IS THIS THE LIFE GOD WANTS FOR ME?"

"IS THERE A BETTER LIFE?"

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?

YEAH, MY BEACH BALL ALARM CLOCK.

THIS CLOCK IS FROM THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART DESIGN COLLECTION.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS IS MY PLACE TOO.

IT IS.

WELL, HOW COME I DON'T SEE ANY OF MY THINGS?

MICHAEL, UH, YOU KNOW, YOUR THINGS,

YOUR TOYS? THEY'RE, THEY'RE...

THEY'RE CUTE, THEY'RE CUTE LIKE YOU.

BUT YOU KNOW, THEY S...

THEY SORT OF DON'T BELONG.

LET ME EXPLAIN IT BY SAYING THAT...

THIS IS AN ARCHITECTURAL HOUSE.

EVERYTHING HAS ITS PLACE.

SO, IF YOU CLUTTER IT UP,

IT RUINS THE AESTHETIC.

OH, SO I'M "CLUTTERING IT UP".

NO! OH...

I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.

THEY'RE NOT JUST TOYS.

OKAY, SOME OF THEM ARE COLLECTOR'S ITEMS,

LIKE MY JAPANESE ROBOTS.

OR... OR MY BAKELITE BATMOBILE.

THAT WAS MADE DURING WORLD WAR TWO,

WHEN METAL WAS SCARCE.

AND... EVEN IF THEY WERE WORTHLESS,

THEY WOULD STILL BE WORTH SOMETHING TO ME.

BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.

I KIND OF THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT.

LOOK, I JUST,

I JUST GOT YOUR PHONE CALL.

I LIT-LITERALLY RAN OVER HERE.

SO, WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY?

HIM.

HE'S HERE EVERY DAY NOW, SHOWING UP FOR MEALS.

WE'RE SUDDENLY ONE BIG HAPPY FUCKING FAMILY.

I DON'T KNOW,

I SENSE SOME TENSION BETWEEN YOU AND MEL.

WELL, SHE BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING.

INCLUDING YOU.

YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR PROMISE TO GIVE HER GUS.

IF SHE WANTS A KID, SHE CAN HAVE ONE OF HER OWN.

NO, SHE CAN'T.

GUS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERS AND MINE.

NOT YOURS AND MINE.

WELL, LINDSAY'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING

HE NEVER SPENDS ENOUGH TIME WITH GUS.

OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP.

CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE GET HIM AND MICHAEL BACK TOGETHER

SO HE WILL LEAVE US ALONE.

ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU EVEN MENTION MICHAEL'S NAME,

HE'LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF.

YEAH? WELL THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO TO HIM.

SHE ALSO THINKS I'VE TURNED INTO

THIS COLD, UNRESPONSIVE BITCH.

HAVE YOU?

MAYBE A LITTLE.

WELL THEN YOU SHOULD FIND YOURSELF SOME NICE,

FUZZY LEZZIE WITH A THERAPIST'S LICENSE AND WORK IT OUT.

THAT'S WHAT MEL WANTS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT...

I...

I WANT A BAGEL.

AND AFTER THAT, I DON'T KNOW.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT...

IF I TALK, I MIGHT SAY SOMETHING I REGRET.

IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR YOU.

LET OUT SOME OF THOSE NASTY DEMONS.

BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

SEE, I'M A WASP.

FROM A FAMILY OF WASPS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I-I'LL TAKE HIM TO THE TEA-DANCE AT WOODY'S.

GREAT IDEA.

THANKS, TEDDY. YEAH.

I'M NOT REALLY DOING IT FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.

HANGING WITH BRIAN...

BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO MY SEX LIFE.

VIDEO TAPE SPECIAL TODAY, 10 PACK...

SEE YA, MARLEY.

BYE, TRACE.

BYE, MR. NOVOTNY.

TRACY!

YES, MR. NOVOTNY?

WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT, PLEASE?

WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

WELL, I'M SURE YOU COULD THINK OF A FEW THINGS.

I HAVE TO GO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR JOB.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BIG DOLLAR MART?

WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE BIG Q.

NO, BUT AT LEAST PEOPLE SEEM HONEST THERE.

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU BEING GAY, DON'T YOU?

WELL, I ADMIT, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AT FIRST.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT ANY MORE.

WHETHER YOU'RE GAY OR YOU'RE STRAIGHT,

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.

WE ARE. WELL, FRIENDS TRUST EACH OTHER.

WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TOLD ME?

THAT I'D TELL EVERYONE AT THE STORE?

I WOULDN'T HAVE, MIKE.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

I SHOULD'VE.

BUT WHEN YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE KEEPING IT A SECRET...

WHO YOU REALLY ARE,

YOU LEARN TO STOP TRUSTING PEOPLE

AND IT BECOMES SECOND NATURE.

IT KILLS ME THAT I HURT YOU, TRACE,

AND I'D DO ANYTHING TO TAKE THAT BACK.

I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE TO ASK THIS...

BUT DO YOU THINK WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS?

DO YOU THINK WE COULD BE FRIENDS?

WELL, WHY DON'T WE GO HAVE A CUP OF BIG Q COFFEE AND FIND OUT?

I'D LIKE THAT.

BUT I-I REALLY DO HAVE TO GO.

I HAVE A DATE.

IS HE STRAIGHT?

AT LAST, NOW WE HAVE THE HOUSE TO OURSELF,

ALONE.

OH, BY THE WAY, JANET AND THAT DICKHEAD HUSBAND OF HERS,

THEY FINALLY SENT US A CARD

CONGRATULATING US ON GUS.

ONLY TOOK THREE MONTHS.

YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH, MEL.

WHAT?

I SAID YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH.

THAT MY SISTER COULD AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE THE BIRTH OF OUR SON?

OF ME.

YOU WANT ALL MY TIME, MY DEVOTION

AND IF YOU DON'T GET IT, YOU THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

YOU GET ANGRY THAT I SEE THE BABY MORE THAN YOU.

YOU BLAME ME BECAUSE BRIAN WOULDN'T GIVE YOU PARENTAL RIGHTS,

I SUPPOSE IT'S EVEN MY FAULT THAT I CAN HAVE A CHILD AND YOU CAN'T.

HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I FEEL LIKE I SPEND HALF MY LIFE APOLOGIZING TO YOU,

TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT I LOVE YOU.

ONLY NOTHING'S EVER ENOUGH.

I'M STARTING TO WONDER IF ANYTHING EVER COULD BE.

WELL, I ASKED YOU TO TALK, AND YOU DID.

I TELL YOU, HANGING WITH BRIAN IS EXHAUSTING.

BUT IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE SEX.

YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH BRIAN?

OF COURSE NOT.

WE HAVE SYMBIOSIS.

OH MY GOD.

IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN DO?

YOU MUSTN'T GIVE UP HOPE.

IT'S NOT A DISEASE,

IT'S A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH,

THE YELLOW TICK BIRD AND THE RHINOCEROS.

THE YELLOW TICK BIRD FEEDS ON PARASITES

ON THE RHINO'S SKIN, AND IN TURN,

THE RHINO IS WARNED OF IMPENDING DANGER

WHEN THE TICK BIRD FLIES AWAY.

SIMILARLY, I SUPPLY BRIAN

WITH AN OBJECT OF SCORN AND RIDICULE,

NAMELY MYSELF,

AND HE SUPPLIES ME

WITH UNWANTED TICKS,

UH, TRICKS.

YOU'RE DOING THIS FOR CASTOFFS?

WELL, IN BED YOU CAN'T TELL.

THEY'RE AS GOOD AS NEW.

TED, HAVE YOU EVER ASKED YOURSELF...

"IS... IS GOING TO TEA-DANCES WITH BRIAN AND...

HAVING INDISCRIMINATE SEX WITH COUNTLESS STRANGERS

REALLY THE LIFE I WANT?"

I HAVE. AND THE ANSWER IS,

"YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS."

HAVE YOU... HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED,

"IS THIS THE LIFE GOD WANTS FOR ME?"

WELL, I SUPPOSE IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM,

HE DECIDED SOMEBODY HAD TO LIVE IN PITTSBURGH.

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED "IS...

IS THERE A BETTER LIFE?"

YEAH.

I COULD HAVE A 10-INCH DICK AND LOOK LIKE HIM.

WELL, WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT?

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

LOOKING FOR YOU.

WELL, HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

WELL, FIRST I ASKED YOUR MOM, THEN I CALLED DAVID.

IS THERE ANYONE YOU DIDN'T ASK?

THEN I ASKED BRIAN.

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

LOOK, JUST BUTT OUT.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

YEAH, HE SAID THAT WHENEVER YOU FEEL SAD OR UPSET,

THIS IS WHERE YOU COME.

THAT JUST BEING AROUND ALL THESE COMICS

BRINGS THE LIGHT INTO YOUR EYES.

HE SAID THAT?

I GUESS HE KNOWS YOU PRETTY WELL.

WELL, HE DOESN'T KNOW ME ANY MORE.

YEAH.

THAT IS WHY HE GOT YOU THIS.

I TOLD HIM ALREADY, I DON'T WANT HIS CRUMMY PRESENT.

WAIT!

HE MISSES YOU.

HE'S MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU.

WELL GOOD, HE DESERVES TO BE.

HE LOVES YOU.

HE'LL NEVER ADMIT IT, BUT HE DOES.

BRIAN... YOU KNOW THAT.

BRIAN DOESN'T LOVE ANYONE.

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE, REMEMBER?

YOU'RE THE EXCEPTION.

THAT'S WHY HE HURT YOU, SO YOU'D GO BACK WITH DAVID.

HE KNEW IF HE DIDN'T, YOU'D BE WAITING FOR HIM FOREVER.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THIS WAS HIS WAY OF SAYING GOODBYE.

WE'VE GOT SOME NEW FRIENDS TO MEET TONIGHT,

WHOSE DARK WORLD IS ABOUT TO BE ILLUMINATED.

AND AFTERWARDS, I INVITE YOU ALL TO GATHER IN THE FOYER

AND HAVE SOME INCREDIBLE BROWNIES

BAKED BY MY INCREDIBLE WIFE.

SO, LET'S GET STARTED.

HI. I-I'M DON.

HI, DON.

UM, HOW I GOT HERE IS A... A LONG STORY,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I'M HERE,

I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT.

GREAT!

HI, I'M EMMETT.

HI, EMMETT.

AND I, UH, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT...

I WANT TO SEE THE LIGHT, TOO.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE MARRIED NOW.

I CAN STILL LOOK.

YEAH, WELL WHAT'S THE GOOD OF LOOKING IF YOU CAN'T TOUCH?

WANT A BEER? HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?

A FEW. TOO MANY.

KEEP TRACK OF THE DOCTOR, NOT ME.

I NEVER THANKED YOU FOR MY GIFT.

YOUR GIFT?

YOUR WARD TRACKED ME DOWN, INSISTED THAT I TAKE IT.

YEAH, WELL I'LL HAVE TO PUNISH HIM SEVERELY.

IT'S THE NEATEST THING I EVER GOT.

I THOUGHT SO.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

IT FELT WEIRD, NOT TALKING TO YOU.

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I HEARD YOU WERE FREAKING OUT.

YEAH, WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

EVERYBODY, TED, LINDSAY...

WELL, THEY'RE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS.

I WOULDN'T TRUST THEM.

YOU ARE SO BUSTED.

SO, HOW'S THE HAPPY COUPLE?

ARE YOU REALLY INTERESTED?

NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.

EXCEPT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT SUPERMAN DIES

IN "THE CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTH"

OR THAT BATGIRL IS NOW CRIPPLED IN A WHEELCHAIR

AFTER BEING RAPED BY THE JOKER,

OR... OR THAT FOR THAT ONE SPECIAL DAY IN 1970,

CAPTAIN ASTRO BECAME ASTRO WOMAN.

EXACTLY. YOU ARE SO PATHETIC.

HEY!

GIVE HIM TIME.

HE'LL LEARN.

HEY. HEY.

I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ALL WEEKEND.

YOU HAVEN'T.

IN FACT, I THINK I PROBABLY SAW YOU MORE

WHEN YOU DIDN'T LIVE HERE.

I NOTICE YOU'VE BEEN DOING A LITTLE REDECORATING.

AH, I FELT THE PLACE NEEDED A LITTLE WARMTH.

A LITTLE CHARM, A LITTLE WHIMSY.

A LITTLE YOU.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD PUT SOME OF THIS STUFF AWAY.

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOVING IN WAS A BIG CHANGE FOR ME, TOO.

I SAW YOUR STUFF AND I SUDDENLY REALIZED...

THAT I WAS "WE" AGAIN.

THAT MY LIFE WAS NOW OUR LIFE.

IT KIND OF FREAKED ME OUT.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SCARED SHITLESS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE, UH...

BEEN READING YOUR COMICS.

OH, YEAH? I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

I-I NEVER REALLY GOT A CHANCE TO DO THAT WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY PARENTS WERE PRETTY STRICT.

YOU PROBABLY HAD TO READ TOLSTOY AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY, THEY'RE KIND OF FUN.

DID YOU KNOW...

THAT FOR ONE SPECIAL DAY IN 1970,

CAPTAIN ASTRO BECAME ASTRO WOMAN?