Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 12 - Surprise! - full transcript

HEY, SEE THAT GUY?

HE JUST TURNED 30.

WOW!

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE IN A COUPLE DAYS, MIKEY.

OH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 10.

YEAH, BUT THIS STRANGE THING HAPPENS ON YOUR 30th.

YOU LOOK GREAT THE NIGHT BEFORE, BUT THEN YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,

AND YOUR ASS IS DOWN TO THERE, AND YOUR DICK DISAPPEARS.

WELL I'M 33. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?

GOD, DID YOU GUYS JUST HEAR SOMETHING?

LIKE A VOICE FROM THE DEAD?



I'M GLAD I DIDN'T MOVE IN WITH DAVID,

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE LEFT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

WELL, PERHAPS YOU WERE LURED BY THE PROSPECT

OF ALL THAT CHIROPRACTIC SEX.

THE SEX WASN'T THAT GREAT.

I SEEM TO REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT A "TALENTED TONGUE".

YEAH, AND UH,

"FANTASTIC FINGERS".

ORGASMS THAT WOULDN'T QUIT.

ALL RIGHT, THE SEX WAS GREAT.

IT'S JUST... IT GETS BORING, YOU KNOW,

WITH THE SAME PERSON AFTER A WHILE.

WELL I WOULDN'T KNOW.



WELL, NOW I'M READY TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS

YOU CAN'T DO WITH A BOYFRIEND,

LIKE GO TO THE CLUBS, AND GO OUT DANCING.

GO HOME ALONE.

HEY, BUSBOY!

DO YOU THINK WE COULD GET SOME WATER?

WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

ISN'T HE ADORABLE?

THE CUSTOMERS LOVE HIM.

HIS ASS GETS MORE COMPLIMENTS THAN THE BURGERS.

'CAUSE HIS BUNS ARE FRESH.

JESUS.

YOU LIVE IN MY ROOM AT MY MOTHER'S HOUSE,

YOU WORK WHERE I EAT. I CAN'T GET RID OF YOU, CAN I?

BLAME HIM.

HE'S THE ONE WHO'S MAKING ME DO THIS.

HE'S JUST PAYING OFF THE CHARGES HE MADE ON MY CREDIT CARD.

COULDN'T YOU SEND HIM TO PRISON?

THIS IS WORSE.

WHERE'S DAVID?

UM, I THINK HE HAD A PATIENT.

DON'T BULLSHIT ME.

IT RAN ITS COURSE, DEB, LEAVE IT ALONE.

OKAY.

SO... EMMETT,

HOW ABOUT THOSE BLUEBERRY-BANANA PANCAKES YOU LOVE, HONEY?

OOH, YES! YUM!

UGH, WHY DID I EAT THOSE GODDAMN PANCAKES?

THEY'RE REPEATING MORE THAN "I LOVE LUCY".

I NEED TO GO REFILL MY CLARITIN.

MM-HMM.

HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?

HONEY, MY GAYDAR WENT OFF THE MINUTE HE WALKED IN.

I HAD SEX WITH HIM.

YOU DID NOT. DID TOO.

STOP IT.

TELL ME EVERY DETAIL.

IT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO, AFTER WORK.

I STOPPED OFF TO PICK UP SOME BOTTLED WATER ON THE WAY HOME.

THAT WAS BEFORE I STARTED USING THE BRITA FILTER.

OKAY, NOT EVERY DETAIL.

SORRY. NO PROBLEM.

DON'T WANT TO FACE THE MORNING WITHOUT WATER.

OH, YEAH.

AND THAT'S THE STORY.

I NEED TO GO INTO A PHONE BOOTH AND JERK OFF.

IT WAS LATE. I PROBABLY LOOKED GOOD TO HIM

'CAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS CONTACTS IN.

HONEY, TAKE IT ANY WAY YOU CAN.

OH, I DID.

I'M STILL ON THE CRIXIVAN, THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM?

GOOD, YOU WON'T HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECTS.

HE MUST BE POSITIVE. THAT'S WHY HE HAS SUCH A GOOD BODY.

THEY PUT THEM ON STEROIDS, YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

YOU WERE SAFE, WEREN'T YOU?

MIKE? WE NEED YOU IN THE BACK,

THERE'S A FIRE.

A-A FIRE? HOLY SHIT!

WHERE'S THE FIRE?

OVER HERE!

SURPRISE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOU GUYS. HOW DID YOU...

TRACY FOUND OUT. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

UH, REALLY?

NOT EVERYTHING.

MAKE A WISH.

OLD MAN NOW.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE.

WHOO-OO-OO!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE.

THEY THREW A PARTY FOR ME AT WORK TODAY.

AW-W-W!

THAT'S CUTE.

RIGHT, LIKE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME HAPPY,

KNOWING THAT ALL MY BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND ME.

YOU'RE NOT PLANNING SOME HIDEOUS BIRTHDAY SURPRISE, ARE YOU?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO CELEBRATE A TRAGIC EVENT LIKE THAT?

GOOD, 'CAUSE I WANT THAT DAY TO PASS WITHOUT A SINGLE REMINDER THAT...

I'LL NEVER BE YOUNG AND CUTE AGAIN.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT THE GOOD DOCTOR AROUND.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE YOUNGER THAN HIM.

AND CUTER. I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T STAND HIM.

WHEN DID I EVER SAY THAT?

EVERY CHANCE YOU GOT.

MAYBE HE WASN'T SUCH A BAD GUY AFTER ALL.

WELL, NOW'S A HELL OF A TIME TO TELL ME.

WHY? YOU DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH HIM ON ACCOUNT OF ME, DID YOU?

COURSE NOT.

THAT'S GOOD.

BECAUSE WE CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF OUR FUCKING LIVES

HANGING OUT TOGETHER.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? HOW COULD YOU JUST LAPSE?

I WASN'T THINKING.

THERE WAS NO TIME TO THINK.

WELL, THAT'S NO EXCUSE.

I ALWAYS HAVE A CONDOM, SPERMICIDAL LUBRICANT...

A BOTTLE OF HYDROGEN PEROXIDE AND WITCH HAZEL. GREAT.

SO YOU'RE THE SAFE-SEX POSTER BOY AND I'M THE HAPPY HOOKER.

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.

I'M SERIOUS.

IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO YOU...

YOU'RE TOO IMPORTANT TO ME.

THANKS, EM.

OKAY, LET'S ROLL UP THOSE SLEEVES.

HI.

HI.

YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR PATIENT HERE, ARE YOU?

HE'S NOT A REGULAR ANYTHING.

I'M JUST GETTING TESTED FOR MORAL SUPPORT.

I-I MAKE A POINT OF GETTING TESTED EVERY SIX MONTHS.

I'M SILLY, REALLY, 'CAUSE MOST OF MY SEX IS CYBER.

OW!

WHAT'S YOUR INSURANCE SITUATION?

UM, I'LL PAY BY CHEQUE.

ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER RIGHT ON TOP.

CAN WE JUST DO THIS?

HE'S NERVOUS.

I'M SURE YOU'LL BE FINE.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

OKAY. WE'RE ALL DONE.

AND NOW... WE WAIT.

SUNSHINE! HMM?

HERE. TAKE THESE ON UP TO YOUR ROOM.

OKEY-DOKE. MYROOM.

COME ON, SWEETIE.

BACK OFF, HUH?

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE 30 YEARS OLD.

SO OLD.

DON'T REMIND ME.

WHAT ARE THOSE? HIS MEDS.

I THOUGHT YOU JUST GOT SOME.

THOSE LITTLE BOTTLES DON'T GO FAR

WHEN YOU'RE POPPING 50 PILLS A DAY.

YOU'RE ON YOUR LAST REFILL.

I'LL CALL THE DOCTOR.

SPEAKING OF DOCTORS...

THAT'S A SUBTLE SEGUE.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS THIS,

IT DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

OH NO? I JUST LOST A POTENTIAL SON-IN-LAW.

ALL YOU LOST WAS FREE TREATMENT FOR OSTEOPOROSIS.

MICHAEL CHARLES NOVOTNY!

UH-OH, MIDDLE NAME, LOOK OUT.

YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY.

DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

NOW I WANT YOU TO CALL DAVID RIGHT NOW

AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DID.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DID ANYTHING?

I'M YOUR MOTHER.

MOM, DAVID AND I HAD NOTHING IN COMMON

EXCEPT PANTENE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER IN ONE

AND I HAD TO GIVE UP MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I COULDN'T SEE MY FRIENDS,

I COULDN'T GO TO CLUBS.

GOOD.

GET OUT BEFORE THEY KICK YOU OUT,

BEFORE YOU TURN INVISIBLE.

SEE? LISTEN TO YOUR UNCLE.

HUH, YOU WANT TO BE LIKE HIM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

IN A FEW DAYS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE A KID ANY MORE,

HANGING OUT WITH BRIAN.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS BRIAN?

YOU TELL ME.

I MEAN, DAVID REALLY CARED FOR YOU.

YOU COULD SEE IT IN HIS EYES.

HUH, VIC, COULDN'T YOU?

I DON'T KNOW, I WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT HIS CHEST.

THERE'LL BE SOMEONE ELSE.

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE ELSE.

BUT THERE WON'T BE SOMEONE LIKE DAVID EVERY DAY.

HELLO?

HELLO?

MICHAEL?

I HAVE CALLER I.D.

I-I MUST HAVE PUSHED THE WRONG BUTTON.

YOU'VE RUINED MY KID'S LIFE.

WHAT, NO HELLO KISS?

I MEAN IT!

YOU GOT SOMETHING FIZZY?

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I HEARD YOUR NAME.

MICHAEL SAYS, "THERE'S THIS NEW BOY IN SCHOOL,

BRIAN KINNEY."

FOR WEEKS THAT'S ALL HE COULD TALK ABOUT:

"BRIAN KINNEY THIS, AND BRIAN KINNEY THAT."

NEXT THING, YOU'RE CUTTING CLASSES.

AND THEN I COME HOME FROM WORK ONE DAY

AND I FIND THE 2 OF YOU,
14 AND DRUNK.

IT WAS THEN I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE.

AND YOU HAVEN'T DISAPPOINTED ME A DAY SINCE THEN.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU CAN'T ACCUSE ME OF BEING INCONSISTENT.

CONSISTENT HEARTBREAK.

COME ON, DEB, YOU KNOW I'VE LOOKED AFTER MIKEY.

I NEVER SAID THAT YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR HIM.

YOU'VE BEEN THERE TOO MUCH.

ALWAYS GIVING HIM JUST THOSE EXTRA LITTLE TIDBITS

OF YOUR AFFECTION, HUH?

TO MAKE HIM BELIEVE THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'D BE HIS.

WELL, WHO KNOWS? MAYBE WE'LL END UP

A COUPLE OF OLD QUEENS IN PALM SPRINGS.

ONLY WHAT'S HE SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN?

HE HAD A CHANCE WITH DAVID,

BUT YOU HAD TO FUCK IT UP.

HE WASN'T HAVING ANY FUN.

HE'S HAD ENOUGH FUN.

YOU'VE ALL HAD ENOUGH FUN.

IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO BE A MAN.

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING.

YOU OWE MY KID SOMETHING.

OKAY, YOU WIN.

I'LL DO SOMETHING.

IT'S MIKEY'S 30th BIRTHDAY.

HE SHOULD HAVE A PARTY HE NEVER FORGETS.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?

IT LIFTS AND SEPARATES.

SOUNDS LIKE THE "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S A BRA".

HMM, SAME PRINCIPLE.

IT'S THE "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S A HARNESS".

YEAH, SOMEHOW I CAN'T SEE MICHAEL

TRUSSED UP LIKE A TURKEY.

SO THEN WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

HE'S ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.

I CAN'T LET HIS 30th BIRTHDAY GO BY

WITHOUT GETTING HIM SOMETHING CHEAP AND DEMEANING.

HOW ABOUT SOME BEN WA BALLS?

WELL, HE IS A BIT OF A TIGHT-ASS.

I WONDER WHAT BRIAN'LL GET HIM.

IF HE'S LUCKY, A FAREWELL FUCK,

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

NICE.

WELL, IT IS SOMETHING HE WANTS

AND WOULDN'T GET FOR HIMSELF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

I THINK HE ALREADY HAS ONE.

NO, I MEAN FOR LINDSAY AND ME.

OH, SORRY, NOT MY AREA.

IT HASN'T BEEN MINE EITHER, LATELY.

WELL, GIVE IT TIME.

YOU KNOW, AFTER A WOMAN GIVES BIRTH

IT TAKES SEVERAL MONTHS

BEFORE SHE FEELS SEXUAL AGAIN.

OH GOD, I WISH YOU'D STOP READING "REDBOOK".

HMM, "McCALL'S". I LIKE THE SEX TIPS BETTER.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S TEN WAYS TO PLEASE A MAN

WITHOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTH?

HMM, GO FIGURE.

IT'S NOT JUST THE SEX. I FEEL LIKE SHE'S SHUTTING ME OUT.

I JUST... I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN TAKE IT.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

WHY CAN'T I SHARE? BECAUSE THE MINUTE

YOU START TELLING YOUR FRIENDS YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS,

IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

FIND A SHRINK. OY.

I'VE BEEN IN THERAPY FOR SIX YEARS.

ARE YOU COVERED BY INSURANCE?

YUP. GREAT.

THEN HAVE A BREAKDOWN, YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

JESUS, WHAT IS WITH YOU?

YOU ARE SO NEGATIVE.

FROM YOUR LIPS TO GOD'S EARS.

IT'S ME.

HELLO?

HEY, TED, IT'S STEVE FROM DR. ROTH'S OFFICE.

UM, YOUR RESULTS ARE IN.

WELL, THAT... THAT WAS FAST.

UH, SO DO YOU, UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME IN?

NOPE, NO NEED TO. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THANKS.

I'M NEGATIVE.

I'M NEGATIVE!

THAT'S OKAY.

HAPPY PEOPLE CAN BE REALLY ANNOYING.

OKAY, WE'VE GOT TO PREPARE OUR STORIES FOR MICHAEL.

I DON'T TRUST YOU TO THINK ON THE SPOT.

YOU ALWAYS ASSUME THE WORST. YOU'RE SO NEGATIVE.

HMM, FUNNY.

THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID.

YOU HEARD?

OH, TED, MY GOD. THAT'S FABULOUS.

NOW I HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON.

YES, MOTHER.

OH MY GOD, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I GOT MICHAEL.

ONE VINTAGE EASY-CAKE OVEN.

WHY'D YOU GET HIM THAT?

EVERY GAY BOY WANTED AN EASY-CAKE OVEN.

UH-HUH.

DIDN'T YOU?

UNH-UH.

SO, DID THEY CALL YOU?

OH, I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY MESSAGES YET.

STEVE...

CUTIE FROM DR. ROTH'S OFFICE.

HE WANTS ME TO...

WHAT?

WHAT?

HE WANTS ME TO COME IN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

WELL, I'M SURE IT CAN'T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS,

BECAUSE YOU SAID YOURSELF, YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ONE THING.

I'M SURE YOU'RE FINE, EMMETT.

THEN WHY DIDN'T HE SAY THAT?

IT'S PROBABLY... IT'S PROCEDURE WITH NEW PATIENTS.

BULLSHIT. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO COME IN

IT MEANS SOMETHING'S WRONG.

FUCK. THE OFFICE IS CLOSED FOR THE WEEKEND.

I HAVE TO WAIT... I-I... I HAVE TO WAIT TILL MONDAY.

I HAVE TO WAIT TILL FUCKING MONDAY! THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND.

OKAY, SO WE JUST... WE'LL REMAIN CALM, AND...

OH MY GOD, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

OR THIS IS GOOD, TOO.

HEY, DOC.

YOU GOT ALL SWEATY WITHOUT ME.

WELL, I WENT FOR A JOG. YEAH.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO STAY IN SHAPE AFTER CERTAIN AGE.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE

JUST TO INSULT ME

AND WE'RE NOT BATTLING OVER MICHAEL'S ATTENTION ANY MORE,

YOU WON, SO...

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

YOU FORGOT TO RSVP.

YOU KNOW, THE SURPRISE PARTY.

I CALLED AND LEFT A MESSAGE.

OH YEAH, WELL I THOUGHT THAT WAS A JOKE.

WHY WOULD IT BE A JOKE?

LOOK, I DON'T THINK MICHAEL

WOULD FEEL TOO COMFORTABLE

WITH ME BEING THERE AND, QUITE FRANKLY,

I DON'T THINK I'D FEEL TOO COMFORTABLE

BEING THERE MYSELF.

DOC, YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME AT MY PLACE.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.

COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE UP THAT EASY, ARE YOU?

HEY, I DIDN'T GIVE UP.

THAT WAS HIS DECISION.

WELL, MIKEY DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.

NO SHIT.

SOMETIMES HE NEEDS A LITTLE PUSH.

SO YOU'LL COME BY AROUND, UH.
9:00?

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO PARIS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE PARIS.

YOU'LL STILL GET THERE.

EVEN IF YOU'RE POSITIVE, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO DROP DEAD TOMORROW.

OH MY GOD, YOU SAID IT.

YOU SAID IT, "YOU'RE... YOU'RE POSITIVE".

I SAID, "EVEN IF..." TO IMPLY THE LACK OF PLAUSIBILITY.

I THINK IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT GUY IN P-TOWN.

HE KEPT BITING MY LIP.

OR MAYBE THAT GUY IN THE DRESSING ROOM,

HE KEPT STICKING HIS FINGERS IN MY MOUTH.

OR SOME GUY AT THE GYM.

I THOUGHT YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING.

I KNOW GUYS WHO FUCK A HUNDRED TIMES A WEEK.

FIVE OR SIX TIMES ISN'T ANYTHING.

EMMETT, YOU CAN NOT BE INFECTED.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD IS MORE HIV PHOBIC THAN YOU ARE.

YOU PRACTICALLY BOIL THE SHEETS!

WELL, THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THEY WANT TO SEE ME,

NOW DOES IT?

GOD, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS WEEKEND?

OH, TEDDY.

I AM SO SCARED!

COME ON.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SKIP MICHAEL'S PARTY.

NO. NO.

I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL HIS DAY.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. YEAH,

IT'LL TAKE MY MIND OFF THINGS.

WE JUST CAN'T TELL HIM.

OKAY.

RIGHT, REMEMBER.

STORY IS WE'RE PICKING UP BRIAN TO GO FOR DINNER

AND TO BABYLON. RIGHT.

ONE LAST DANCE OF DEATH.

EMMETT.

HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, BIRTHDAY BOY.

FUCK YOU, I'M GOING TO BED.

YOU CAN'T! YOU KNOW, WE'RE... WE'RE, UH, GOING TO PICK UP BRIAN

TO GO DO DINNER AND BABYLON.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY.

NOW, NOW, MR. GRUMPYPUSS. WE'RE GOING TO GO OUT.

DON'T YOU WANT TO GO OUT? NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT!

HEY, THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.

YOU KNOW, ONCE IN A LIFETIME THING, A NIGHT OF NIGHTS.

YEAH, WELL I PLAN ON SLEEPING THROUGH EVERY MISERABLE MINUTE OF IT.

YOU GUYS CAN TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

WE NEED TO CELEBRATE.

CELEBRATE WHAT? THAT I'M TURNING INTO A GEEZER?

THAT MY LIFE IS OVER?

THINK OF ALL YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

FLATULENCE, INCONTINENCE, UH, CHRONIC CONSTIPATION,

A CLOSET FULL OF DEPENDS...

OH, FOR CHRIST SAKE!

WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY

AND COME TO YOUR GODDAMN SURPRISE PARTY?

SURPRISE.

HI, WE'RE HERE. READY TO GO TO BABYLON.

ASSHOLES.

YOU TOLD HIM.

SURPRISE!

OH MY GOD!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKEY!

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?

WELL IF I INVITED JUST YOUR FRIENDS

THERE WOULD BE, LIKE, SIX PEOPLE HERE,

I HAD TO OPEN IT UP TO SEX PARTNERS.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.

MY SEX PARTNERS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKEY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL.

THANKS, UNCLE VIC.

EXACTLY 30 YEARS AGO

MY LEGS WERE IN STIRRUPS

AND MY FACE LOOKED LIKE THIS.

WOW, THIS REALLY IS A SURPRISE PARTY.

HI.

HERE.

30, HUH? YEAH.

WELL, I HOPE I LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU DO

WHEN I'M YOUR AGE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

COME ON, MIKEY, YOU'VE GOT PRESENTS.

EXCUSE US.

MARGARITA, NO SALT.

RIGHT UP.

HEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MIX DRINKS?

I'M FROM THE GENTILE COUNTRY CLUB SET.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, IT'S TIME.

MIKEY'S GOING TO OPEN HIS PRESENTS.

UM...

OH MY GOD!

AN EASY-CAKE OVEN!

I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE.

AWW.

THANKS, EM, I LOVE IT.

AWW.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

UH...

OH, THAT'S MINE.

OPEN IT.

YOU PUT YOUR DICK WHERE THE TRUNK GOES.

IT'S FUNNY.

IT IS, IT'S FUNNY.

MOVING ON.

OKAY, HONEY.

UH, WHO'S THIS ONE FROM?

OH, THAT'S... THAT'S FROM ME.

WOW.

THIS IS... THIS IS REALLY...

EXPENSIVE.

UH, WELL I HAD IT INSCRIBED BEFORE,

BUT DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORDS, JUST, UH,

FOCUS ON THE WATERPROOF FEATURES.

THANK YOU, DAVID.

SURE.

HEY, MIKEY.

THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU.

HELLO, MICHAEL.

I HEARD IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY,

SO I THOUGHT I'D FLY BY

AND BRING YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.

OH MY GOD, CAPTAIN ASTRO!

ASTRO COMICS NUMBER ONE?

THIS IS THE FIRST APPEARANCE OF CAPTAIN ASTRO IN PRINT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS IS WORTH?

ANYTHING FOR MY BEST FRIEND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FIND THIS.

SO, CAP, DON'T FLY AWAY.

STAY AND BOOGIE WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY.

ENJOY, MIKEY.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WATCH, DAVID.

AND A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT.

THANKS.

NICE GOING ON THE GIFT.

IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE PERFECT.

THANKS.

YEAH, DAVID'S PRESENT DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

AND THEN AGAIN, NEITHER DID HE.

FUCK OFF.

YOU JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, CAN YOU?

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE MICHAEL REGRESSES PERMANENTLY

TO THE AGE OF 12.

HE'S 30, FOR CHRIST SAKE, BRIAN.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU LET HIM GO?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

I WILL IF YOU WILL.

WHAT?

TELL HIM YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM.

FOR YEARS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T ACT SO INNOCENT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THE BOYS SAW YOUR PICTURES.

THEY SAW YOUR LITTLE SHRINE TO MIKEY,

WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR COMA.

OF COURSE, I ALWAYS KNEW.

SO, AS I SAID...

YOU LET HIM GO AND SO WILL I.

LADIES FIRST.

IS THIS CANDY OR DRUGS?

CANDY.

I THINK.

YOU'D THINK WITH ALL THE PILLS I TAKE THAT I'D KNOW.

SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

FIT AS A FIDDLE AND READY FOR LOVE.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

LISTEN, WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED IN ME ALL OF THE SUDDEN?

OH, I WAS JUST WONDERING.

BULLSHIT.

YOU BOYS NEVER TALK TO ANYONE
OVER 40

UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

I THINK I HAVE IT.

"IT" DOESN'T MEAN WHAT IT USED TO, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

PEOPLE STILL DIE.

ALL THE TIME.

BUT THEY DIE FROM OTHER THINGS, TOO.

YOU CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME.

I-I MEAN, I'M NOT PROMISCUOUS.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT PROMISCUOUS.

PROMISCUOUS IS ANYONE HAVING MORE SEX THAN YOU.

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING SAFE.

CAREFUL.

SEX ISN'T CAREFUL.

AND IF IT IS, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

IT'S MESSY.

AND IT'S HUMAN.

AND IT'S MIXED UP WITH OTHER THINGS,

IT'S A GENIE WHO WON'T STAY IN THE BOTTLE.

LISTEN, EMMETT,

IF YOU THINK YOU MADE A MISTAKE,

MOVE ON.

AND ACCEPT IT LIKE A MAN.

HEY.

HI.

30 YEARS AGO I WAS YOU.

AND 30 YEARS FROM NOW YOU'LL BE ME.

30 YEARS.

IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE.

HE'S A MAN. BUT HE STILL FEELS

AS TINY AND PRECIOUS TO ME

AS GUS DOES TO YOU.

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE...

GOES BY LIKE A DREAM.

SO, I GUESS EVERYBODY BREASTFEEDS NOWADAYS, HUH?

YEAH, IT CREATES A REAL BOND.

I NEVER DID THAT WITH MICHAEL,

BUT I'D SAY WE'RE PRETTY FUCKING TIGHT.

YEAH.

SORRY, HONEY.

YOU FEELING LEFT OUT?

ME, FEEL LEFT OUT?

NOT WITH WHAT IT'S COSTING ME A MONTH.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY SOMETIMES THE NON-BIRTH MOTHER LACTATES AS WELL.

IF I DID, IT'D BE MARGARITAS.

PUT SOME SALT AROUND MY NIPPLE AND TAKE A SIP.

MEL. COME ON, HEY.

PLEASE, MEL.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

LINDSAY'S NEVER INAPPROPRIATE.

DON'T MIND ME, HONEY.

I WOULDN'T KNOW FROM APPROPRIATE.

CAN I GET ANYONE ANOTHER DRINKIE?

DRINKIE? NO THANKS.

AND I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE EITHER.

HEY, I'M NOT BREAST-FEEDING,

AIN'T MY PROBLEM.

HEY, EM.

OH, YEAH!

PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET ME BE NEGATIVE.

IF YOU DO, I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE...

IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?

HELLO?

COME ON UP,

AND GET YOUR COCK OUT.

HEY, TEDDY.

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ELEPHANT UNDERWEAR.

THEY'RE REALLY FUNNY.

YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, REALLY.

I BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING TO SEE DAVID HERE, HUH?

YEAH, TALK ABOUT SURPRISES.

SO, UH, DO YOU THINK YOU TWO MIGHT, UH, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T... I DON'T THINK SO.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

SAY, LISTEN...

I KNOW THERE'S THIS PART OF US

THAT THINKS WE DON'T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

L-L-LET ME FINISH.

SO, WE FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE

WE KNOW WE CAN'T HAVE

AND WHO'S NEVER GOING TO LOVE US.

AND WE FANTASIZE...

ABOUT THE DAY WHEN, UH,

ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT HE REALIZES

AND SEES EVERYTHING HE'S BEEN MISSING,

YOU KNOW, AND... AND...

ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE,

ONLY, UH,

YOU KNOW THAT DAY NEVER COMES

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

IT'S YOUR 40th BIRTHDAY, IT'S YOUR 50th BIRTHDAY

AND... AND YOU'RE STILL ALONE.

DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU, MICHAEL.

LOVE SOMEONE FOR REAL.

SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

TRACY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE!

THANKS, UH, IT'S REALLY WILD. I...

THEY'RE ALL A LITTLE DRUNK.

I DON'T REAL... I ONLY KNOW SIX OF THEM.

YOUR FRIEND BRIAN CALLED.

HE ASKED ME TO COME.

WHAT?

LOOK, UH, ARE YOU HUNGRY?

'CAUSE THERE'S THIS, UM, BURGER PLACE RIGHT NEAR HERE WE COULD...

TRACY. I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU COULD MAKE IT

TO MICHAEL'S SURPRISE PARTY.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO A FEW OF OUR GUESTS.

BRIAN!

DAVID.

DAVID, THIS IS TRACY.

TRACY, THIS IS DAVID.

TRACY, YEAH, WE MET.

RIGHT, YOU'RE MIKE'S CHIROPRACTOR.

RIGHT.

HE'S ALSO HIS BOYFRIEND.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

EX-BOYFRIEND.

THE FIRST TIME THEY FUCKED,

MICHAEL CAME, LIKE, THREE TIMES.

MIKE.

WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOUR FRIEND TRACY A DRINK?

LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD USE ONE.

DON'T GO YET, MIKEY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD YOUR CAKE.

FUCK OFF!

TRACY!

IT'S TRUE.

DAVID WAS MY BOYFRIEND.

DO YOU LAUGH AT ME?

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS?

THE BOYS, DO YOU LAUGH AT ME?

NO. NO.

I MUST BE A BIG JOKE TO YOU, HUH?

THE GIRL AT WORK, THE ONE WHO HAS THE CRUSH.

SHE'S SO FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S SO STUPID.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!

I SWEAR.

YOU'RE A LIAR, MIKE.

A LIAR.

HEY!

LOOK WHAT I HAD COOKED UP

FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.

I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE, HOW ABOUT YOU?

YEAH.

DON'T FORGET THIS.

I DON'T WANT IT.

THANKS FOR THE PARTY.

WELL, BRIAN,

YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO THROW A BIRTHDAY BASH.

TOO BAD ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IS ANYONE SURPRISED?

THAT'S THE WAY HE TREATS PEOPLE.

AM I RIGHT?

I MEAN, IS THERE ANYONE HERE TONIGHT

THAT HASN'T BEEN FUCKED BY BRIAN KINNEY?

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

NOW MICHAEL HAS BEEN, TOO.

SO YOU FINALLY GAVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED.

GOOD FOR YOU.

HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO HIM, BRIAN?

YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

WELL?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO MAKE YOUR BIG EXIT TOO?

NO.

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED SOMEONE TO HELP YOU CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

UH, COME IN, TAKE OFF YOUR THINGS,

YOUR COAT AND RELAX.

THANKS.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

NO, I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

THAT WAS SOME PARTY, HUH?

IT HAD ITS MOMENTS.

LIKE WHEN YOU PUNCHED HIM.

HE DESERVED IT.

HE DESERVED WORSE.

I-I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

I MISSED YOU.

HAVE YOU?

YEAH, I HAVE.

I-I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER,

TO LIVE TOGETHER.

I WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT.

I'M NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE.

I KNOW THAT.

YOU'RE FIRST PRIZE.

YOU'RE SURE?

I'M 30.

IT'S TIME I SETTLED DOWN AND...

TOOK ON SOME RESPONSIBILITY. OH, OH, UNH-UNH.

NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE LIFE INSURANCE.

WELL, IN A WAY YOU ARE.

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

BECAUSE...

I LOVE YOU.

COME.

HE ASKED ME TO PICK UP THE STUFF HE LEFT.

HEY, SUNSHINE!

YOU GOT SOME TABLES TO BUS.

I DON'T FEEL SICK.

MARGARITAS ARE DEFINITELY MY DRINK.

GET UP.

YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

NO THANKS.

CHRIST, I WAS PISSED AT YOU LAST NIGHT.

EVERYBODY WAS... IS.

BUT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CUSSING YOU OUT,

I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING QUIETLY, CAN YOU?

EVERYTHING'S GOTTA BE A SPECTACLE, A DRAMA.

YOU COULDN'T HAVE PUSHED HIM...

SOFTLY.

YOU HAD TO SHOVE HIM OFF A FUCKING CLIFF.

YEAH, I HAD TO. OTHERWISE HE WOULD HAVE

JUST FOLLOWED ME AROUND FOREVER.

YEAH, I GUESS HE WOULD HAVE.

JUSTIN!

I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH.

YOU LOANED HIM YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

I HAVE A SUPPLY.

OH.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY.

THIS DAVID...

HE'S GOOD FOR HIM.

YEAH, THAT WON'T LAST.

MAYBE NOT.

BUT HE SHOULD AT LEAST GIVE IT A TRY.

SO, HOW'S HE DOING?

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY HIS BEST FRIEND WOULD BETRAY HIM.

OF COURSE, HE DOESN'T REALIZE

THAT IT'S THE BEST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN,

THAT YOU DID HIM A FAVOUR.

THAT MAYBE NOW HE CAN FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO HAVE A LIFE.

OKAY,

I'M READY TO GO.

YOU TAKE CARE, KIDDO.

THANK YOU.

WELL, HELLO, EARLY BIRDS.

HI. CAN WE SKIP THE CHIT-CHAT?

WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR AN HOUR.

HOUR AND A HALF.

JUST, UH, JUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

OH, THE... THE MESSAGE I LEFT FOR YOU ON FRIDAY.

YEAH.

WELL, UM, HERE'S THE SITUATION.

OKAY, SPARE ME THE, YOU KNOW,

THE "WARM HIM UP, LET HIM DOWN EASY" SPEECH.

JUST... JUST TELL ME.

YOUR CHEQUE BOUNCED.

WHAT?

YOUR CHEQUE BOUNCED.

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS.

PERFECT. HOW MUCH?

60.

HERE. YOU'RE PAYING ME BACK.

OKAY, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT 60 BUCKS?

I'LL LEAVE IT TO YOU IN MY WILL.

UM, CAN I HAVE MY TEST RESULTS, PLEASE?

YOU'RE FINE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, MY GOD!

I TOLD YOU.

SO, UH, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO CELEBRATE?

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SORRY I CAN'T.

I'M, UH, I'M BUSY.

OKAY.

WELL, UH, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, GUYS.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

HE'S CUTE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM, I'LL TAKE HIM.

YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

I MADE A PROMISE TO GOD.

A PROMISE TO GOD? WHAT PROMISE TO GOD?

I PRAYED AND, UH, AND TOLD GOD THAT IF I WERE NEGATIVE,

I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN.

AND I'M NEGATIVE. SO...

I CAN NEVER TOUCH A MAN AGAIN.

UH-HUH.